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♪ upbeat pop music playing ♪
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‐ [screams]
‐ Hey!
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Whoa! What the fuck are you doing?! Oh!
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‐ I was watching you surf.
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‐ Well, that wasn't me,
I surfed two hours ago.
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I get up much earlier than you do.
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‐ This is the same reason
I hate watching football.
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You can't tell anyone apart!
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COLIN: Ah.
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MADISON:
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
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COLIN: How on earth did you
learn to punch like that?
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MADISON:
Well, earlier this year,
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Stella and I went to this bonfire
where Stella ended up meeting
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her "Ayurvedic soul mate" or whatever.
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But it turned out,
he had a girlfriend who got drunk
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and lit Stella's fashion poncho on fire.
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We brought top‐shelf tequila,
so technically no one should've been upset
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about anything,
but people are irrational.
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Anyhoo, we were like,
that obviously can't ever happen again.
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We need to know how to protect ourselves,
so, we enrolled in a self‐defense class.
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‐ Wait. Which one is Stella again?
‐ Unironically owned a rabbit,
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dated her therapist,
sometimes house‐sits for Macklemore.
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‐ I thought Stella was the, uh, sad girl
who doesn't wash her hair,
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the one with the cat.
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‐ Yeah, no, that's Jules.
‐ Okay, so then Izzy
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is the one who just broke up
with her boyfriend,
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brought a puzzle to a bar.
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‐ No, that's... also Jules.
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‐ I wanna meet them.
‐ What? Wait...
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I thought we had to keep things private
until the divorce finalized?
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‐ Well, that's true,
but I know how you hate it
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that I don't know your friends,
and I wanna meet them.
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You know, if she gets the house,
she gets the house.
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I'm kidding.
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Let's do dinner, all of us.
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I can't imagine you've actually
kept me a secret from them, have you?
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‐ No, I have.
‐ Are you lying?
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‐ I am.
‐ Then let's do dinner!
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All of us. Your place. Come on.
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‐ Oh, God. I mean, oh good!
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Because I...
definitely know how to cook.
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‐ Unless if you think
it's too awkward, you know,
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with the age difference and everything.
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‐ No, no way!
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My friends are crazy mature for their age.
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I mean, I can't remember
a time when we weren't discussing
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our portfolios and deductibles, or 2008.
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‐ Do you think Gordon Gekko
is coming for dinner?
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‐ The lizard in the commercials?
He has a name?
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‐ Never mind. It was...
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‐ Oh, right, from the...
‐ I was just kidding.
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‐ Obviously. [laughs]
‐ Yeah.
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‐ This is gonna be great. [laughs]
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[whispering]: Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,
fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck...
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♪ pop instrumental playing ♪
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[sighs]
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[cat mews]
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‐ It wasn't me.
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[cat purring]
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JULES:
Again, Turtle? [groans]
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God, and I'm hosting Ramona's
bachelorette party today.
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I don't need this.
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[Turtle mews]
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Don't give me that look,
I don't feel bad for you.
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Just because you miss Jeremy's dog
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doesn't mean you can just
fly off the handle.
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Get your emotions under control!
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‐ [meows]
CAT LADY: If I may,
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you two are in a destructive
cycle of conflict.
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Come with me.
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We need to open this up.
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[Turtle mews]
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Jules, our goal
is to remove the blockages
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that are stopping you
from connecting with Turtle.
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You're the one who agreed to be
Ramona's bridesmaid, not him.
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‐ My only blockage is my cat
destroying my kitchen
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on the one day it needed
to look like the kitchen
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of a person who is healthy and adjusted
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and not completely heartbroken
over anyone's brother.
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‐ Remember, Jules,
it's not you against Turtle,
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it's you and Turtle against the problem.
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Why don't you talk
about how you're feeling
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as opposed to what you're thinking?
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‐ I feel like I think
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Ramona needs to see
that I'm doing amazing
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and report that back to Jeremy.
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‐ Do you think that
maybe what's going on
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is that you're not over your breakup
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and instead, you're making the problem
about your cat?
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‐ Exactly. The real problem is the cat.
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Turtle is sad because
when we moved out of Jeremy's,
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we had to leave Johnny Drama
and now he's acting out.
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But I can fix this.
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‐ For the record,
this session was unproductive!
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‐ It's only weird if you make it weird.
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‐ [Turtle mews]
JULES: There you go. See, Turtle?
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Feeling better already.
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MAN:
Hey, uh, so I feel a little weird
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to just come up and tell you this, but‐‐
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‐ Oh, God. [laughs]
Look, I'm sure plenty of people come here
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hoping for a pet‐inspired
meet‐cute situation,
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and I'm very flattered,
but it is not a great time for me.
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‐ You just stepped in shit.
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[dog yipping]
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Lucky for you, I am kind of
a compulsive cleaner.
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Here.
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‐ Um, I'm really sorry,
by the way, about that
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whole speech before, um...
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Honestly, I just got a little freaked out
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because I thought you were
gonna hit on me.
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MAN:
Right, and I would obviously freak you out
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because upon first glance,
I'm either totally revolting
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or seem like a serial killer?
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‐ No. Nope. No, it's not that.
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You, you don't seem like
a serial killer, trust me.
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I mean, not "trust me" like
I have experience with serial killers,
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because I don't.
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I mean, I don't think I do
just because I'm alive?
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Anyway, I'm Jules. This is Turtle.
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‐ I'm Wes, this is Ollie.
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So is Turtle one of those
species‐fluid cats?
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Very woke of him.
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‐ Well, he's used to being
around a dog and, um,
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he's been a little depressed lately,
so I thought this might be a good idea.
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I don't know, is that crazy?
‐ No, it's not crazy at all.
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A lot of people don't realize it,
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but animals can struggle
with separation anxiety,
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and all sorts of mental health
problems that people do.
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‐ What are you, a cat doctor?
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‐ Most people just say "veterinarian,"
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but, yeah, I guess technically
I'm a doctor of cats and such.
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‐ Oh. [laughs]
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Well... I just put my foot in my mouth.
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‐ I'd strongly advise against that
given the circumstances.
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Anyway, I don't want to take up your time
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or be that vet at a dog park
handing out his card,
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but just in case something comes up.
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‐ [laughs] Okay.
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‐ Nice to meet you.
‐ Bye. [laughs]
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WES:
Hey. Follow me.
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♪ breezy jazz playing ♪
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[kitchen timer dings]
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[sighs]
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‐ It legit smells fucked up in here.
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‐ I'm getting notes of a burnt something.
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I can't quite put my finger on it.
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‐ I set Ina Garten on fire
during the third chicken.
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‐ Toasted book,
that's what I was smelling.
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‐ Less judging, more helping.
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Colin's gonna be here in an hour
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and I've gotta cook something
that 46‐year‐olds eat.
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‐ My grandpa always gets it up
for a nice piece of fish.
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‐ I'm sorry, can your grandfather's boner
not be a part of this conversation?
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‐ Hey, don't hate
on my grandfather's boner.
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I wouldn't be here
without my grandfather's boner.
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‐ Is this a Gucci belt
in your silverware drawer?
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‐ This is my overflow closet.
I don't cook a lot.
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‐ Why don't we just Postmates?
You know, maybe the Postmates guy
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will be cute, and then you can go
on a date with him
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instead of cooking dinner
for this old fuck.
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‐ Stella, was I this unsupportive
that time you dated that mime?
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‐ Yes. You called him "Quiet Clown"
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and then kicked him out
of your birthday dinner.
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‐ Well, he made me wanna... myself.
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[sighs] Look,
Colin wants to meet you guys,
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so this dinner has to be elegant,
adult and sophisticated.
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Which reminds me,
no one can act like themselves.
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‐ I have experience with that.
‐ Izzy,
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don't talk about your Ariana Grande blog.
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Ooh! Or how you got
that permanent bottom retainer.
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Or that dream where
you're a Christmas tree.
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And don't call things "fire."
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It never sounds natural
when you say it.
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‐ Really? "That dress is fire.
That dress is fire."
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‐ I just want to painstakingly
construct an aura
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of sophistication and maturity
that is both effortless and natural.
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‐ This feels like the domestic equivalent
of faking an orgasm.
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You know, they're never gonna get better
if we keep pretending.
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‐ It is not pretending.
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It's like when you put on
tinted moisturizer,
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clear brow gel, brown mascara,
loose setting powder, and matte lip balm
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in order to achieve a carefully
crafted makeup‐free look.
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‐ Holy shit. Can you repeat that?
I gotta write it down.
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‐ Just stick to the areas of conversation
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that make us seem
worldly and cosmopolitan.
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The following is a list of
dinner party approved topics:
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"The dangers of social media,
the absence of the middle class,
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"travel anxiety, Lipitor, classic rock,
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airline reward points, and Frasier."
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00:08:46,652 --> 00:08:49,402
Stella, I need you to email
that list to Jules.
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‐ Okay, that's adorable
you think I listened to that
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and could regurgitate it into an email.
‐ [phone buzzes]
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‐ Jules says she's gonna be late,
she has her cousin's bachelorette party.
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Don't mention the bachelorette
party to Colin,
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00:09:00,457 --> 00:09:02,167
it makes it sound slutty and young.
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00:09:02,167 --> 00:09:03,747
‐ [smoke detector beeping]
‐ Oh, my God!
197
00:09:03,752 --> 00:09:05,672
Did someone turn on the oven?
198
00:09:05,671 --> 00:09:07,671
IZZY: You were trying to cook
a whole chicken on the stove.
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00:09:07,673 --> 00:09:10,093
MADISON:
No! Shit, I keep my heels in there!
200
00:09:10,092 --> 00:09:13,512
‐ It doesn't feel like it was
my responsibility to know that.
201
00:09:13,512 --> 00:09:16,062
MADISON:
My shoes! My Louboutins!
202
00:09:16,056 --> 00:09:18,266
♪ upbeat music playing ♪
203
00:09:20,811 --> 00:09:23,561
‐ Another supermodel
is ready for the runway.
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00:09:25,774 --> 00:09:27,404
What do you think?
‐ [women gasp, shriek]
205
00:09:27,401 --> 00:09:28,861
‐ Oh, my God!
‐ [Ramona mouthing words]
206
00:09:28,861 --> 00:09:30,031
‐ Oh, my God.
207
00:09:30,028 --> 00:09:32,488
‐ It screams "me."
208
00:09:32,489 --> 00:09:36,829
‐ You are getting the full
Dallas treatment today. Oh!
209
00:09:36,827 --> 00:09:39,747
Thank you to my besties for being here.
210
00:09:39,746 --> 00:09:42,286
Especially my girls
who flew out from Texas.
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00:09:42,291 --> 00:09:45,631
Oh! You brought like a little bit of home
here to L. A. for my batch weekend.
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00:09:45,627 --> 00:09:48,417
Hash tag HolyMatramona, tag your Instas.
213
00:09:48,422 --> 00:09:52,302
‐ Oh, uh, quick housekeeping announcement
from the maid of honor.
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00:09:52,301 --> 00:09:54,341
For those of you who haven't,
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00:09:54,344 --> 00:10:00,274
if you could Venmo me the $576
for the tea, sachets, decor and hotel.
216
00:10:00,267 --> 00:10:03,897
Oh, and that doesn't include
the party bus or dinner this evening.
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00:10:03,896 --> 00:10:06,436
Now, gettin' into games,
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00:10:06,440 --> 00:10:10,740
let's each go around
and talk about the first time
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00:10:10,736 --> 00:10:12,986
we met Ramona.
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00:10:12,988 --> 00:10:15,658
‐ [crowd applauding]
‐ Miss Maid of Honor,
221
00:10:15,657 --> 00:10:17,617
you have one minute for your answer.
222
00:10:19,494 --> 00:10:22,834
‐ I'll never forget
the first time I met Ramona.
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00:10:22,831 --> 00:10:25,501
It was the first day of kindergarten,
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00:10:25,501 --> 00:10:29,381
and her Barbie lent my Barbie
the most incredible pair
225
00:10:29,379 --> 00:10:32,129
of plastic open‐toed espadrilles.
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00:10:32,132 --> 00:10:33,972
‐ Thank you, Miss Maid of Honor.
‐ [applause]
227
00:10:33,967 --> 00:10:36,297
Miss Friend from Camp?
228
00:10:36,303 --> 00:10:39,063
‐ Ramona and I made friendship bracelets
229
00:10:39,056 --> 00:10:42,096
that we promised
we'd give our daughters one day.
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00:10:42,100 --> 00:10:44,600
CROWD: Aw!
‐ Whoo! Go Camp Wannaweepweep!
231
00:10:44,603 --> 00:10:46,653
[whistling and applause]
232
00:10:46,647 --> 00:10:50,107
‐ Miss Dumped by the Bride's Brother?
233
00:10:51,985 --> 00:10:54,945
‐ Uh... Hi.
234
00:10:54,947 --> 00:10:58,987
‐ I'll repeat the question.
When did you first meet Ramona?
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00:10:58,992 --> 00:11:02,252
‐ Um, I think it's
when I came to a Thanksgiving.
236
00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:05,497
With Jeremy.
‐ [feedback whines]
237
00:11:05,499 --> 00:11:07,629
‐ [scattered exclamations]
238
00:11:07,626 --> 00:11:11,206
‐ Are you still harboring secret
and unresolved feelings for him?
239
00:11:11,213 --> 00:11:14,053
‐ No one else got a second question.
‐ It's a two‐parter.
240
00:11:14,049 --> 00:11:17,589
‐ I mean, am I completely over it?
241
00:11:17,594 --> 00:11:18,724
Define "completely."
242
00:11:18,720 --> 00:11:21,470
Define "over."
Define "it."
243
00:11:21,473 --> 00:11:24,943
‐ It must be so hard to put
on a brave face in a situation
244
00:11:24,935 --> 00:11:28,725
that is so obviously totally crushing you.
245
00:11:28,730 --> 00:11:31,070
‐ Uh, did we do away with swimsuit?
246
00:11:31,066 --> 00:11:33,686
Because I feel like that's gonna
be more comfortable than this.
247
00:11:33,694 --> 00:11:36,574
‐ [Mario screams]
Something just touched my foot!
248
00:11:36,572 --> 00:11:39,162
‐ [hair sizzles]
‐ [screaming]
249
00:11:42,828 --> 00:11:45,538
‐ I'm so sorry about your face, Ramona.
250
00:11:45,539 --> 00:11:48,079
Turtle has been acting out lately.
251
00:11:48,083 --> 00:11:51,753
I... I totally understand if you don't
want me to be in your wedding anymore.
252
00:11:51,753 --> 00:11:53,173
‐ Are you kidding?
253
00:11:53,172 --> 00:11:55,672
You can't back out,
not because of your cat,
254
00:11:55,674 --> 00:11:58,474
and not because of my idiot
little brother either, okay?
255
00:11:58,468 --> 00:12:01,008
Dumping you before my wedding
was so selfish of him.
256
00:12:01,013 --> 00:12:04,223
‐ Yeah, that was my first
thought after the breakup too.
257
00:12:04,224 --> 00:12:07,194
‐ This isn't about Jer, right?
‐ No. No, no, no. No.
258
00:12:07,186 --> 00:12:09,516
You're an only child
as far as I'm concerned.
259
00:12:09,521 --> 00:12:11,191
I'm just glad you're not mad at me.
260
00:12:11,190 --> 00:12:12,980
‐ Oh, it wasn't your fault.
261
00:12:12,983 --> 00:12:14,743
Just tell me, is it bad?
262
00:12:16,320 --> 00:12:18,110
‐ [friends cough quietly]
‐ No.
263
00:12:18,113 --> 00:12:20,953
‐ [murmuring]
‐ Oh, gosh no.
264
00:12:20,949 --> 00:12:22,199
[slurping]
265
00:12:22,201 --> 00:12:24,491
JULES:
Hey, Mads. My thing ended early
266
00:12:24,494 --> 00:12:26,794
because of a third‐degree burn situation,
267
00:12:26,788 --> 00:12:28,578
so I'm just gonna wash my face
and head over‐‐
268
00:12:28,582 --> 00:12:30,542
‐ Change of plans.
We're having dinner at your place.
269
00:12:30,542 --> 00:12:32,252
Oh, my God, what is this?
270
00:12:32,252 --> 00:12:35,462
‐ My cousin's bachelorette party.
‐ The party was here?
271
00:12:35,464 --> 00:12:37,424
Fuck the dangers of social media,
272
00:12:37,424 --> 00:12:39,384
this is what Instagram stories are for.
273
00:12:39,384 --> 00:12:41,144
‐ I swear I know the model for this.
274
00:12:41,136 --> 00:12:42,886
‐ Why would you move
the dinner party to my house?
275
00:12:42,888 --> 00:12:44,598
‐ Because Izzy set my shoes on fire
276
00:12:44,598 --> 00:12:46,678
and I didn't know you were
hosting a penis festival.
277
00:12:46,683 --> 00:12:48,443
‐ [laughs] Penis festival.
278
00:12:48,435 --> 00:12:50,185
‐ Okay, everyone split up.
279
00:12:50,187 --> 00:12:52,897
Colin's gonna be here any minute.
Hide the dicks.
280
00:12:52,898 --> 00:12:54,778
♪ upbeat music playing ♪
281
00:13:13,836 --> 00:13:15,796
‐ Okay, I think we got it all.
282
00:13:15,796 --> 00:13:16,876
[sighs]
283
00:13:23,595 --> 00:13:25,805
[grunting]
284
00:13:26,390 --> 00:13:28,640
IZZY:
It won't deflate! It's too hard!
285
00:13:28,642 --> 00:13:30,892
‐ Try stepping on the balls.
IZZY: Okay.
286
00:13:31,895 --> 00:13:35,185
‐ Knock‐knock. I brought Pinot.
287
00:13:36,859 --> 00:13:38,489
‐ Welcome to my home.
288
00:13:42,310 --> 00:13:44,870
‐ Uh, everyone, this is Colin.
Colin, this is everyone.
289
00:13:44,867 --> 00:13:46,237
COLIN:
Hey, girls.
290
00:13:46,243 --> 00:13:48,583
That's quite the large penis
you have there.
291
00:13:48,579 --> 00:13:50,909
MADISON:
It's an art installation.
292
00:13:50,914 --> 00:13:53,884
Uh, Jules is really
into feminist modernism.
293
00:13:53,876 --> 00:13:57,166
‐ Yep. I got it at a... gallery.
294
00:13:57,171 --> 00:13:59,131
‐ Cool. Cool. Which one?
295
00:13:59,131 --> 00:14:02,551
‐ It's just called, um, Gallery.
296
00:14:02,551 --> 00:14:04,341
It's minimalist.
297
00:14:04,344 --> 00:14:07,724
‐ Stella, Izzy, why don't you guys
make Colin a drink from the bar cart
298
00:14:07,723 --> 00:14:10,103
that houses various types
of aged and unaged alcohols?
299
00:14:10,100 --> 00:14:12,520
Sit down, honey.
Jules, I need your help in the kitchen.
300
00:14:12,519 --> 00:14:15,519
‐ Perfect. Well, feel free
to make yourself at‐‐
301
00:14:18,192 --> 00:14:20,152
‐ Normally I would have
questions about why you look
302
00:14:20,152 --> 00:14:22,402
like a Dolly Parton impersonator,
but we need to focus.
303
00:14:22,404 --> 00:14:24,664
‐ The bachelorette party
had this guy doing makeovers.
304
00:14:24,656 --> 00:14:26,696
‐ What, and you did something
to make him hate you?
305
00:14:26,700 --> 00:14:27,870
I can see your line.
306
00:14:27,868 --> 00:14:29,658
‐ My what?
‐ Your line.
307
00:14:29,661 --> 00:14:31,621
The completely unblended line
where your foundation dead‐ends
308
00:14:31,622 --> 00:14:32,962
into the rest of your neck.
309
00:14:32,956 --> 00:14:34,666
The line that screams,
"In case you were wondering,
310
00:14:34,666 --> 00:14:36,456
this is not at all
what I actually look like!"
311
00:14:36,460 --> 00:14:38,920
‐ Oh, is it anything like
the line between normal Madison
312
00:14:38,921 --> 00:14:41,421
and the person who keeps rearranging
the same six Brussels sprouts
313
00:14:41,423 --> 00:14:43,263
on that plate like a culinary Rain Man?
314
00:14:43,258 --> 00:14:44,718
‐ We can insult each other later.
315
00:14:44,718 --> 00:14:46,638
Right now, I need this dinner
to go perfectly.
316
00:14:46,637 --> 00:14:48,507
‐ Colin seems like a pretty chill guy.
317
00:14:48,514 --> 00:14:50,854
‐ Look, I know he says
he doesn't care how mature I am,
318
00:14:50,849 --> 00:14:52,889
but his beach house says otherwise.
319
00:14:52,893 --> 00:14:55,523
Look, his ex‐wife was obviously
an incredible homemaker
320
00:14:55,521 --> 00:14:58,151
and had the interior design
instincts of Jonathan Adler.
321
00:14:58,148 --> 00:15:01,188
So tonight has to be
the definition of sophistication.
322
00:15:04,321 --> 00:15:05,491
Who's hungry?
323
00:15:07,824 --> 00:15:10,874
Ah. Izzy, Stella,
can you help set the table?
324
00:15:10,869 --> 00:15:12,909
You know how we normally do
during all the dinner parties
325
00:15:12,913 --> 00:15:14,583
we're constantly throwing.
326
00:15:14,581 --> 00:15:16,791
‐ [knock on door]
COLIN: I got it.
327
00:15:19,294 --> 00:15:20,344
Hey.
328
00:15:20,337 --> 00:15:23,087
‐ Hey. Is this Jules' place?
329
00:15:23,090 --> 00:15:24,930
I'm Steve.
I'm here for the party.
330
00:15:24,925 --> 00:15:27,335
‐ Sure, come on in.
‐ Oh, thank you.
331
00:15:27,761 --> 00:15:29,811
‐ Jules, your friend Steve's here.
332
00:15:30,931 --> 00:15:33,731
‐ Oh, my God.
Hello, Steve. Uh...
333
00:15:33,725 --> 00:15:36,135
So good of you to come. Welcome.
334
00:15:36,144 --> 00:15:37,404
‐ [softly] Who the fuck is that?
335
00:15:37,396 --> 00:15:39,306
‐ It's not not the stripper
336
00:15:39,314 --> 00:15:41,234
from the bachelorette party
I forgot to cancel.
337
00:15:41,233 --> 00:15:44,073
‐ Jules!
‐ Handling it. Handling it.
338
00:15:44,069 --> 00:15:46,819
‐ Make you a drink? You look like
an old‐fashioned kind of guy.
339
00:15:46,822 --> 00:15:48,412
‐ [clicks tongue]
Yeah, sure,
340
00:15:48,407 --> 00:15:50,617
just an old‐fashioned
Jager and Red Bull for me.
341
00:15:52,244 --> 00:15:53,374
‐ Okay.
342
00:15:55,372 --> 00:15:57,212
‐ Oh, my‐‐ No‐no‐no‐no! Oh, boy!
343
00:15:57,207 --> 00:15:58,917
We should, uh, it's cold, right?
344
00:15:58,917 --> 00:16:00,957
So we should just leave
the coat on, I think.
345
00:16:00,961 --> 00:16:02,751
‐ Oh, okay, whatever you want.
You're paying for it.
346
00:16:02,754 --> 00:16:04,974
‐ Uh, look, uh, Steve, listen.
347
00:16:04,965 --> 00:16:07,465
There's been a little
misunderstanding, okay?
348
00:16:07,467 --> 00:16:09,217
And, uh, I think we really need to talk
349
00:16:09,219 --> 00:16:11,599
before this night goes
completely off the rails.
350
00:16:11,597 --> 00:16:15,177
[train whistle blowing]
351
00:16:15,184 --> 00:16:17,234
We don't have a lot of time, Steve.
352
00:16:17,227 --> 00:16:19,477
We have to switch gears quickly!
353
00:16:19,479 --> 00:16:22,399
♪ saloon piano
playing dramatic soundtrack ♪
354
00:16:23,650 --> 00:16:24,820
[train whistle blows]
355
00:16:26,862 --> 00:16:29,782
I'm very, very sorry
no one called to cancel,
356
00:16:29,781 --> 00:16:32,201
but, uh, tonight you are not a stripper.
357
00:16:32,201 --> 00:16:35,201
Okay, Steve?
You're a guest at a dinner party.
358
00:16:35,204 --> 00:16:36,714
You understand what I'm saying?
359
00:16:36,705 --> 00:16:40,205
‐ Got it. I am a "guest"
at a dinner party.
360
00:16:40,209 --> 00:16:42,289
‐ Ooh, Steve, I feel like
you're not following
361
00:16:42,294 --> 00:16:44,884
and it is very important that we get
on the same page right now.
362
00:16:44,880 --> 00:16:46,840
Okay? Who are you tonight?
363
00:16:46,840 --> 00:16:50,510
‐ I am a "guest" at a "dinner party."
364
00:16:50,511 --> 00:16:53,891
‐ No air quotes, Steve.
The air quotes are very concerning.
365
00:16:53,889 --> 00:16:55,639
This is a matter of life or death.
366
00:16:55,641 --> 00:16:57,351
♪ dramatic soundtrack continues ♪
367
00:16:57,351 --> 00:16:59,601
[train whistle blows]
368
00:17:01,855 --> 00:17:05,395
If this night is a train wreck,
Madison is going to kill me.
369
00:17:05,901 --> 00:17:07,401
No sandwiches!
370
00:17:07,903 --> 00:17:09,113
We're as ready as we'll ever be, Steve.
371
00:17:09,112 --> 00:17:10,992
We have to jump.
372
00:17:11,782 --> 00:17:13,162
Come on!
373
00:17:13,158 --> 00:17:15,158
♪ dramatic soundtrack continues ♪
374
00:17:15,160 --> 00:17:17,250
‐ [train whistle blows]
‐ Whoa!
375
00:17:17,246 --> 00:17:19,996
Uh... Keep that closed, Steve.
376
00:17:23,210 --> 00:17:24,210
[both yell]
377
00:17:26,421 --> 00:17:28,171
‐ What were you two up to in there?
378
00:17:28,173 --> 00:17:30,053
‐ Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
379
00:17:30,050 --> 00:17:31,510
Kissing.
380
00:17:37,182 --> 00:17:39,432
COLIN:
This chicken is delicious, Mads.
381
00:17:39,434 --> 00:17:42,734
I thought your knowledge of food
ended with takeout from Fat Dragon.
382
00:17:42,729 --> 00:17:46,399
‐ We always get takeout when we have
our French cinema marathons.
383
00:17:46,400 --> 00:17:48,690
Oh, honey, we should watch
Moulin Rouge again.
384
00:17:48,694 --> 00:17:50,864
‐ Fully Australian film,
shot in Australia.
385
00:17:50,863 --> 00:17:53,453
‐ Anyway, uh, I don't always
have time to cook,
386
00:17:53,448 --> 00:17:57,038
I'm a very busy girl‐‐
uh, woman, very busy woman.
387
00:17:57,035 --> 00:17:59,655
Oh, but it's such a treat
to casually throw together
388
00:17:59,663 --> 00:18:01,043
a gourmet chicken and nine sides.
389
00:18:01,039 --> 00:18:03,539
‐ Oh, wow.
You are really extra right now.
390
00:18:03,542 --> 00:18:07,712
‐ Extra great wife material.
[laughs]
391
00:18:07,713 --> 00:18:09,633
Not that you need a wife.
Or have ever had one.
392
00:18:09,631 --> 00:18:11,221
Or still do. Never mind.
393
00:18:11,216 --> 00:18:13,506
We weren't supposed
to talk about this. Divorce.
394
00:18:13,510 --> 00:18:15,390
‐ Honey, uh, would you like
more mac and cheese?
395
00:18:15,387 --> 00:18:16,597
‐ Uh, yeah, please, yeah.
396
00:18:16,597 --> 00:18:19,387
Have I ever told you
about the, uh, mac and cheese
397
00:18:19,391 --> 00:18:21,191
at my favorite spot in New Orleans?
398
00:18:21,185 --> 00:18:23,725
‐ Oh, we're supposed to go
in February for Mardi Gras.
399
00:18:23,729 --> 00:18:27,439
Last time we were there, I met this guy
who had the biggest fetish for a‐‐
400
00:18:27,441 --> 00:18:31,241
‐ Chicken! Anyone want seconds?
There's so much chicken here. Colin, you?
401
00:18:31,236 --> 00:18:33,106
‐ Uh... [laughs]
Yeah, maybe later.
402
00:18:33,113 --> 00:18:35,323
JULES: Okay.
‐ Or, right now is good, yeah.
403
00:18:35,324 --> 00:18:37,164
There's something that tastes
so familiar about it.
404
00:18:37,159 --> 00:18:39,829
‐ Ass play.
That was the fetish.
405
00:18:41,830 --> 00:18:43,120
Sorry, I got cut off before.
406
00:18:44,791 --> 00:18:46,381
COLIN:
Cool.
407
00:18:46,376 --> 00:18:48,666
So everyone psyched for the weekend?
408
00:18:48,670 --> 00:18:50,920
‐ Oh my God, are you going, too?
‐ Going where?
409
00:18:50,923 --> 00:18:53,013
‐ The Weeknd.
‐ Yeah, but I'm asking where.
410
00:18:53,008 --> 00:18:55,298
IZZY: Oh, they haven't
announced it yet, but it's supposed to be
411
00:18:55,302 --> 00:18:56,972
a really small venue, really intimate,
412
00:18:56,970 --> 00:18:58,810
and The Hadids might be there,
but who knows.
413
00:18:58,805 --> 00:19:02,225
‐ Okay, so a concert.
[chuckles]
414
00:19:02,226 --> 00:19:03,596
IZZY:
Yeah.
415
00:19:05,938 --> 00:19:07,898
‐ Who's playing?
416
00:19:07,898 --> 00:19:09,688
‐ The Weeknd.
417
00:19:09,691 --> 00:19:11,861
‐ You're the one who pretended
to be someone else, right?
418
00:19:11,860 --> 00:19:13,990
‐ Hmm. Maybe I can be helpful, Colin.
419
00:19:13,987 --> 00:19:15,907
Um, the Weeknd is a singer,
420
00:19:15,906 --> 00:19:19,236
whose real name is Abel,
and he has some...
421
00:19:19,243 --> 00:19:20,743
cool tunes.
422
00:19:20,744 --> 00:19:22,294
‐ They're called bops.
423
00:19:22,287 --> 00:19:24,287
"I Can't Feel My Face When I'm with You"?
424
00:19:24,289 --> 00:19:26,879
It's one of the greatest
love songs of our time.
425
00:19:30,546 --> 00:19:32,046
‐ Right. Yeah.
426
00:19:33,841 --> 00:19:36,891
‐ So does, uh, anyone else have
anything they'd like to say?
427
00:19:36,885 --> 00:19:39,715
‐ I read something kind of cool.
‐ Anyone other than Steve?
428
00:19:39,721 --> 00:19:42,641
‐ It was in the Wall Street Journal,
about how interest rates
429
00:19:42,641 --> 00:19:46,061
are at their highest mark
since 2011, yet consumers‐‐
430
00:19:46,061 --> 00:19:49,401
‐ Aren't able to generate enough income
to put money into savings.
431
00:19:49,398 --> 00:19:50,568
Yeah, I saw that.
432
00:19:50,566 --> 00:19:53,026
Do you think it's going to have
an impact on the housing market?
433
00:19:53,026 --> 00:19:55,026
‐ It's hard to say, you know.
If first‐time homebuyers
434
00:19:55,028 --> 00:19:56,608
aren't able to put together
a down payment‐‐
435
00:19:56,613 --> 00:19:58,373
COLIN: I know, well then
what difference does it make
436
00:19:58,365 --> 00:20:00,525
how many jumbo loans
they can string together?
437
00:20:00,534 --> 00:20:01,544
‐ It's pick your poison.
438
00:20:01,535 --> 00:20:04,405
‐ I know, that's exactly
what I've been saying. Yeah.
439
00:20:04,413 --> 00:20:08,333
[chuckles, sniffs]
What do you do again, Steve?
440
00:20:08,333 --> 00:20:11,383
‐ [gulps]
I'm a guest at a dinner party.
441
00:20:11,378 --> 00:20:12,708
[Jules coughs]
442
00:20:12,713 --> 00:20:14,803
‐ Living in the moment.
I love this guy.
443
00:20:14,798 --> 00:20:17,378
‐ On that note,
I want to propose a toast.
444
00:20:17,384 --> 00:20:20,554
This dinner was all about bringing
together a group of like‐minded adults
445
00:20:20,554 --> 00:20:22,604
who've really made an impact on my life.
446
00:20:22,598 --> 00:20:24,888
My boyfriend Colin...
447
00:20:24,892 --> 00:20:28,022
my best friends in the world...
Jules, Stella, Izzy...
448
00:20:29,897 --> 00:20:31,227
and Steve.
449
00:20:31,231 --> 00:20:33,071
So let's all raise a glass.
450
00:20:33,066 --> 00:20:34,686
[Turtle growling]
451
00:20:34,693 --> 00:20:36,153
Let's... all raise a glass.
452
00:20:36,153 --> 00:20:37,743
[Turtle retching]
453
00:20:37,738 --> 00:20:40,908
JULES: Please excuse me
while I excuse myself, please.
454
00:20:44,745 --> 00:20:45,865
Oh shit!
455
00:20:46,496 --> 00:20:48,326
Turtle ate a bag of dicks!
456
00:20:50,459 --> 00:20:51,999
‐ [Turtle yowls]
‐ Thank you so much for coming.
457
00:20:52,002 --> 00:20:53,052
I didn't know who else to call.
458
00:20:53,045 --> 00:20:54,545
‐ Don't worry.
You did the right thing.
459
00:20:54,546 --> 00:20:56,506
Do you have any idea
how many dicks he ate?
460
00:20:56,507 --> 00:20:58,927
‐ Um, well, I think he got through
most of the cookie dicks,
461
00:20:58,926 --> 00:21:01,796
but there were also gummy dicks
and like a marshmallow dick, I think.
462
00:21:01,803 --> 00:21:03,723
‐ It's really important
I know exactly what was in it.
463
00:21:03,722 --> 00:21:06,642
JULES: Um, well, it's still
in the garbage, let me look.
464
00:21:11,438 --> 00:21:14,568
‐ Boston Market.
That's what I was tasting.
465
00:21:14,566 --> 00:21:17,856
‐ Jules, can you stop
the dumpster dive, please?
466
00:21:17,861 --> 00:21:19,571
‐ I'm looking for what he ate, okay?
467
00:21:19,571 --> 00:21:21,821
‐ Colin, for the record,
I did cook a chicken.
468
00:21:21,823 --> 00:21:23,453
Just not the one you ate.
IZZY: She did.
469
00:21:23,450 --> 00:21:25,830
She tried.
She cooked like five chickens,
470
00:21:25,827 --> 00:21:27,117
and probably would have kept going
471
00:21:27,120 --> 00:21:29,000
if we didn't set her shoes
on fire in the oven.
472
00:21:28,997 --> 00:21:30,867
‐ Guys, it's really fine.
When I was in my 20s,
473
00:21:30,874 --> 00:21:33,134
I couldn't make a bowl of cereal
without screwing something up.
474
00:21:33,126 --> 00:21:36,046
‐ But look at him now.
Sixty years later and he's a doctor.
475
00:21:36,046 --> 00:21:38,216
‐ Ow! How old do you think I am?
476
00:21:38,215 --> 00:21:41,335
‐ Speaking of doctors, how loose
are you with health insurance
477
00:21:41,343 --> 00:21:43,433
if I need to get a checkup
to get scuba certified?
478
00:21:43,428 --> 00:21:44,968
‐ Uh... not loose.
479
00:21:44,972 --> 00:21:47,182
‐ He's totally fine,
he vomited everything up.
480
00:21:47,182 --> 00:21:49,232
You know, I just think Turtle
could maybe use a little space,
481
00:21:49,226 --> 00:21:51,266
if you guys don't mind clearing out.
482
00:21:53,730 --> 00:21:55,980
‐ This is great, Jules.
This is going really well.
483
00:21:55,983 --> 00:21:59,033
Your cat's having an exorcism,
and my boyfriend thinks I'm an 11‐year‐old
484
00:21:59,027 --> 00:22:01,147
who's more equipped to make
myself Lucky Charms than‐‐
WES: Wait!
485
00:22:01,154 --> 00:22:03,204
He didn't eat Lucky Charms, did he?
‐ No.
486
00:22:03,198 --> 00:22:05,198
I can't believe you're trying
to make this my fault.
487
00:22:05,200 --> 00:22:08,450
I mean, why the hell would you tell Colin
we're sophisticated in the first place?
488
00:22:08,453 --> 00:22:11,003
We brought Taco Bell
to a Friendsgiving last weekend.
489
00:22:10,998 --> 00:22:13,498
‐ Well, sorry for wanting to come off
a little more mature.
490
00:22:13,500 --> 00:22:16,840
Have you never wanted to make yourself
a little bit better than you actually are?
491
00:22:16,837 --> 00:22:19,627
‐ Are you kidding? I'm constantly trying
to seem better than I am.
492
00:22:19,631 --> 00:22:22,261
I wanna seem like I'm totally happy
being single with my girlfriends
493
00:22:22,259 --> 00:22:24,469
and not still heartbroken all the time.
494
00:22:24,469 --> 00:22:26,559
‐ Well, I didn't realize you
were still feeling that way
495
00:22:26,555 --> 00:22:28,635
and I think it's really brave
of you to admit that.
496
00:22:28,640 --> 00:22:30,520
‐ Well, I think you don't have
to try so hard
497
00:22:30,517 --> 00:22:32,437
because you're already perfect
the way you are
498
00:22:32,436 --> 00:22:34,266
and any guy you're dating
should be able to see that.
499
00:22:34,271 --> 00:22:36,401
‐ Well, I really appreciate
that coming from you
500
00:22:36,398 --> 00:22:38,978
'cause you are my best friend
and I'm so happy you're back in my life.
501
00:22:38,984 --> 00:22:42,704
‐ Guys, I think we should all
kind of take a breather here.
502
00:22:42,696 --> 00:22:45,236
You know, maybe listen to some music.
503
00:22:45,240 --> 00:22:47,370
Alexa, play party music.
504
00:22:47,367 --> 00:22:48,907
ALEXA: Okay.
505
00:22:48,911 --> 00:22:51,001
♪ "The Stroke" by Billy Squier playing ♪
506
00:22:50,996 --> 00:22:53,616
‐ [gasps]
‐ ♪ Now, everybody ♪
507
00:22:53,624 --> 00:22:55,714
♪ Have you heard? ♪
508
00:22:55,709 --> 00:22:58,499
♪ If you're in the game ♪
‐ Steve?
509
00:22:58,504 --> 00:23:00,134
♪ Then the stroke's the word ♪
510
00:23:02,716 --> 00:23:05,296
♪ Don't take no rhythm ♪
511
00:23:05,302 --> 00:23:07,892
♪ Don't take no style ♪
‐ [Izzy shrieks]
512
00:23:07,888 --> 00:23:09,558
♪ Got a thirst for killing ♪
513
00:23:09,556 --> 00:23:13,346
‐ [shrieks]
‐ ♪ Grab your vial, yeah ♪
514
00:23:13,352 --> 00:23:14,812
‐ [women gasping]
‐ ♪ Whoo! ♪
515
00:23:18,315 --> 00:23:20,855
IZZY: Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
516
00:23:22,444 --> 00:23:24,574
♪ Put your right hand out ♪
517
00:23:24,571 --> 00:23:26,161
‐ Ooh!
‐ ♪ Give a firm handshake ♪
518
00:23:26,156 --> 00:23:27,866
‐ Whoa.
519
00:23:27,866 --> 00:23:30,076
‐ ♪ Talk to me ♪
520
00:23:30,077 --> 00:23:31,697
♪ About that one big break ♪
521
00:23:33,664 --> 00:23:36,384
♪ Spread your ear pollution ♪
522
00:23:36,375 --> 00:23:38,995
♪ Both far and wide ♪
523
00:23:39,002 --> 00:23:41,422
♪ Keep your contributions ♪
524
00:23:41,421 --> 00:23:43,011
‐ Steve?
‐ ♪ By your side ♪
525
00:23:43,006 --> 00:23:45,876
♪ And stroke me, stroke me ♪
526
00:23:45,884 --> 00:23:48,764
♪ Could be a winner, boy,
and move mighty well ♪
527
00:23:48,762 --> 00:23:50,352
♪ Stroke me, stroke me ♪
528
00:23:50,347 --> 00:23:51,807
‐ Uh, Steve?
529
00:23:51,807 --> 00:23:56,137
‐ Colin, I may have slightly exaggerated
the maturity levels of my friends and I.
530
00:23:56,144 --> 00:23:58,114
‐ Whoo! Yes!
531
00:23:58,105 --> 00:24:01,225
‐ Do you have Venmo?
I'm so Venmoing you!
532
00:24:01,233 --> 00:24:04,243
‐ Save on haircuts, save on car wash,
save on Smog Check.
533
00:24:04,236 --> 00:24:06,356
‐ What makes you say that?
534
00:24:06,363 --> 00:24:08,283
‐ Look, I'm sorry I got so crazy tonight.
535
00:24:08,282 --> 00:24:10,332
I was just so happy you wanted
to know my friends and...
536
00:24:10,325 --> 00:24:12,865
STELLA: Whoo!
‐ ...now you do.
537
00:24:12,870 --> 00:24:14,540
Any chance this is endearing?
538
00:24:14,538 --> 00:24:16,538
‐ It's entirely endearing.
539
00:24:21,211 --> 00:24:23,801
Oh, remind me to get
Steve's email before I go.
540
00:24:23,797 --> 00:24:26,587
I want to send him this Forbes article
about emerging markets.
541
00:24:29,845 --> 00:24:31,135
Oh, my God.
542
00:24:32,931 --> 00:24:35,271
‐ Thank you again for coming
to a stranger's house
543
00:24:35,267 --> 00:24:37,937
to solve a very weird problem.
544
00:24:37,936 --> 00:24:39,686
‐ Trust me, I've seen weirder.
545
00:24:39,688 --> 00:24:42,568
There was a situation with
a ferret and a box of tampons.
546
00:24:42,566 --> 00:24:45,606
I don't think I'll ever be able to get
that image out of my head.
547
00:24:45,611 --> 00:24:48,661
‐ Well, could you do me a favor
and get this out of your head?
548
00:24:48,655 --> 00:24:52,485
Because, uh, this is not
my normal evening look.
549
00:24:52,492 --> 00:24:54,702
‐ Oh, yeah, I don't remember
your eyelids being
550
00:24:54,703 --> 00:24:57,543
quite so... cerulean?
551
00:24:58,332 --> 00:25:00,132
‐ Yeah, I guess I was just, um...
552
00:25:00,125 --> 00:25:02,495
pretending to be something I'm not.
553
00:25:02,503 --> 00:25:03,803
In a lot of ways.
554
00:25:03,795 --> 00:25:05,335
‐ Hey, I... I completely get that.
555
00:25:05,339 --> 00:25:06,799
I pretend, too, sometimes.
556
00:25:06,798 --> 00:25:10,138
For example, I once gave my card
to a woman under the guise
557
00:25:10,135 --> 00:25:12,755
that she would call me
if she needed a vet,
558
00:25:12,763 --> 00:25:17,483
but really, I just wanted her to call me.
559
00:25:19,853 --> 00:25:21,863
‐ How about I call you
if Turtle eats another dick?
560
00:25:24,107 --> 00:25:25,607
‐ Or if he doesn't.
561
00:25:27,110 --> 00:25:28,990
‐ Or if he doesn't.
562
00:25:28,987 --> 00:25:33,367
["A Love Song" by Ladyhawke playing]
♪ Life is always meant to replay ♪
563
00:25:33,367 --> 00:25:37,367
♪ No heartbreak, no more today ♪
564
00:25:37,955 --> 00:25:39,665
♪ This could be my life ♪
565
00:25:39,665 --> 00:25:41,785
♪ But it's only words ♪
566
00:25:41,792 --> 00:25:43,712
♪ To make me feel right ♪
567
00:25:43,710 --> 00:25:46,090
♪ When the meaning's blurred ♪
568
00:25:46,088 --> 00:25:47,798
♪ You've opened my eyes ♪
569
00:25:47,798 --> 00:25:50,968
♪ To the oldest tale of time ♪
570
00:25:50,968 --> 00:25:54,098
♪ This is what a love song sounds like ♪
571
00:25:54,096 --> 00:25:55,596
♪ This could be my life ♪
572
00:25:55,597 --> 00:25:58,057
♪ But it's only words ♪
573
00:25:58,058 --> 00:25:59,688
♪ To make me feel right ♪
574
00:25:59,685 --> 00:26:01,805
♪ When the meaning's blurred ♪
575
00:26:01,812 --> 00:26:03,732
♪ You've opened my eyes ♪
576
00:26:03,730 --> 00:26:06,690
♪ To the oldest tale of time ♪
577
00:26:06,692 --> 00:26:09,112
♪ This is what a love song ♪
578
00:26:09,111 --> 00:26:12,031
♪ Love song sounds like,
sounds like... ♪