- Wow, really? - Oh, yeah. Yeah.
- It's a shit show over there apparently. - Yeah?
Yeah. Like, advertisers bailing, my dad is out of it, by all accounts.
You know, Gerri Kellman in charge?
Sorry. I mean, Gerri's great, I actually I actually love Gerri, you know,
but Gerri is a time server who's way out of her depth.
Meanwhile, on the upside,
the DOJ and I are in contact about the terms of my immunity deal.
So yeah. Does not look good for them.
Right.
All that's on background, you know, as we said a lot of moving parts.
- But.. but, yeah, please, let's... - So you're okay if I record this, right?
Yeah. Hey, am I okay? I am I am great.
- Great. Thank you. - Let's record. Open the kimono.
Thank you.
So will this be in the piece?
"Kendall Roy ordered a shaved fennel salad and picked at it, inquisitively?"
You're quite concerned with how you're gonna come across.
Not really. No.
Am I? No, look, I come from a world of image, that's the family business.
I mean, did you see the Sophie Iwobi monologue?
Yeah. Well, she did a bit "Oedipussy"?
It's funny, right? But, you know, it doesn't hurt now because,
because I am who I am.
And, and, and I wanna plant a flag,
I wanna physically get in and plant a flag,
you know, for that inside my family's business.
And in terms of your family business,
one question that people do have is about your siblings.
So where are they in this? Have you managed to stay close with them?
You know, sure. Absolutely.
There, there are issues, but, uh
essentially, yeah.
I'm just really happy in my headspace.
And I hope they're happy in theirs.
Hey. El Presidente. How's your headspace? You happy in it?
Uh, yeah. You like the ending?
"Oh, I love my kids, what are their names again?"
"Blur Face and Who Cares?"
- All right. - Oh. And let's press go on that sale,
the Israeli machine learning operation.
- Okay? - What?
What... nothing. Good. Let me get into that.
- Look at me. - No, I am.
- Hi. I see you. - Action stations.
Strategy meet. Time to go tickle my dad's balls.
- Yeah. - Hi, Karolina.
I just hope our acting CEO isn't getting too fucking acting.
I'll tell you what's a scary story we should maybe reboot.
Pinocchio. A puppet that comes to life.
Oh, come on. Let's get started.
- They can catch up. - Hey, Dad. How's your headspace?
I hear Gerri's looking at the Israeli outfit.
-Uh, pretty insignificant. - No, no, no, no, no, no.
I have a shape of things in mind for that.
GoJo Go, I don't know, streaming.
No. Kill it, okay? Just kill it.
What? What? Are you checking the chain of command?
No. Um...
What does he mean by "plant a flag", huh?
Please, don't fucking hover.
Um, there's talk that, uh, Kendall's planning to come in.
- You're fucking kidding? - Uh-hmm.
- In here? - Uh-hmm.
That rat steps one foot inside this building, I'll punch him in the nose, okay?
Well, I think that's the grown-up solution that keeps everyone happy.
Find out what this fucker's planning.
- I don't need him in my teeth right now. - I can I can scope that out.
I can catch him tonight, if you'd like, at the journalism dinner.
But, you know, what are we doing to counter?
Yes. Yes! You should all be out there, call him out on this.
well, we did discuss the town hall event?
Yeah. I like it. It brings everyone together.
- Yeah. - Open, anonymous questions. Employee facing.
Yeah. I'm happy to lead it, if it's about change.
Oh, you are? Now who's planting a flag?
In terms of getting proactive,
Hugo had Frankton's put together some full-page responses.
Yeah. There were a there were a couple we liked.
Full-page, with, a number of pledges, we can figure out the verbiage.
And the tagline "We Get It."
I thought it was quite funky.
"We get it." A bit like those ladies on the cruise ship got it?
- Gerry liked it? - Yeah, it's a little,
"Yeah, yeah, we get it already, stop moaning about the rapes."
Logan, um, we have agents on the phone,
asking if Waystar's willing to accept service of a document subpoena?
- Tell them to fuck off. - Oh, okay.
- Kerry, hang on, he's kidding. - Dad?
Logan, I'm just wondering, uh, when we might start to play ball.
I mean, everybody cooperates.
Maybe I don't do that dance.
And how does that feel in regards to the shareholder meeting?
We don't accept service, in an hour, there's gonna be two agents here to serve you,
and while they're at it, they could subpoena you to the grand jury.
Fuck 'em.
- Logan? - Tell 'em to fuck off!
- FBI, hands up! - Hey.
- How's it going? - To be honest? Not great, Greg.
It's looking pretty bad with the investigation, and, um,
Logan says we have to take these.
Cyanide pills. The whole team.
It's a mint, you doofus. Take one. Your breath really does stink.
Hey, can I show you something?
- Mmm. Yeah. - Come on.
Gregory, my chief of staff, leggy princeling of ATN, you deserve a new office.
What do you think?
I mean, it's, it's not very nice.
That's rude, rude boy. It's your new place.
Okay. I see this is punishment, right?
This is because I'm not taking the company lawyer, right?
- And I am I getting demoted right now? - In the middle of an investigation?
No. No. This is just part of a totally standard office rationalization.
No. No, no, no. You do whatever you like, you know.
Hang out with Kendall. Take your own counsel.
I hear you have a really great lawyer.
Is it true you can find him anytime day or night?
- Yes. - Because he has one of those bowties
- that lights up and spins around? - He's actually really good.
I'm very, very happy with him.
Listen, on the level, buddy,
On the level, there are a million knives being sharpened right now.
The DOJ's gonna be like a combine harvester in a wheat field of dicks, okay?
So I understand, I get it. I see that this is tough.
I have gone Waystar, I think that's safest.
But tonight, I'm actually seeing a pal to get an objective take on my situation.
And if you want, if you want, I can fold you in.
- Tonight? - Yeah. I just thought, you know,
over a beer, we could kick back and recall what happened,
and make sure that we remember it exactly the same way.
- What? - No. It's just Ken.
- Fuck Ken. - Yeah. No, fuck Ken,
- a hundred percent,but... - But what?
He's... it's stupid, he's giving me a watch tonight to say thanks,
- um, for so, I don't know, I... - You sold your ass for a watch?
I'll buy you a watch, dickwad. Just fucking come over!
Okay. I'll try to come. I wanna come.
Stay.
You know, your dad just wondered,
since the public discourse about your father feels really one-sided...
Yes. We would love your help getting more dimensions.
It would be totally controlled business interview, with some softballs at the end.
Yeah. So Shiv, or someone like Shiv,
sharing some memories and feelings about your dad.
Yeah, I see. I think I think I'm best placed neutralizing Kendall.
Okay. Well, you or someone like you.
All right. Yeah, fine. Fuck you. I'll go out and I say I love Dad.
Why not? I do. So yeah, fuck you.
Aww, look at you. Cutest cheerleader in high school.
Is it true you let the track team finger bang you for lunch money?
- Stop projecting your memories onto me. - All right.
I like it. I like it. It's a good weight, I...
Ken? Real quick, can you, can you just give me the green light on this?
It's very expensive. I mean, I usually just use my phone
- for all my time needs. - Yeah. Fuck it.
Fuck it, man, you deserve it. Dude, your phone is a widget, a button.
Every janitor in America has one.
Your watch is a Mona-fucking-Lisa.
Okay, hey, shut the fuck up, Reece. Guys, it is game time.
The game is Good Tweet, Bad Tweet!
Oh, shit!
Okay. You crazy fuckers better have these ready when I call them out.
- Start it already. - Okay. And... good tweet!
"Okay. Allies, don't always come in the form we like."
But what Kendall Roy did was important and brave."
Boom! Boom, that's the shit! All right, all right, all right. Bad tweet.
I got it, I got it, I got it.
- Bad tweet. Bad tweet. - "Kendall Roy is not a hero, fam."
"He's bootleg Ross with a daddy complex."
- Love it! Love it! - Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
- Good tweet, good tweet. - Okay. Keep them coming, motherfuckers.
"Maybe it's just because he's murking his shitty dad,"
"but I kind of wanna fuck Kendall Roy?"
- Oh, hell yeah! Booyah! - Yeah, girl.
- Bad tweet, bad tweet, bad tweet. - Hit me up. Hit me up.
Bad tweet, bad tweet, bad tweet, bad tweet, bad tweet.
Okay. "He clearly has mental health issues and crazy guilt"
"coupled with addiction. That's all this is and it's sad."
- Boo! - Boo! Boo! Boo.
That one sucked! That one sucked! That one sucked! That one sucked!
- Hi! - Hi!
- Hi! Wow. - Let's speed it up, fellas.
Should I give them something? - Yeah.
Fuck the patriarchy!
All right. Do we have like a safe word to get out of here?
Excuse me.
- Shiv-fucking-Roy. Great to see you here. - I always come.
The Committee for the Protection and Welfare of Journalists?
You're into that, but you like to keep them protected in hutches, correct?
With the little feeding bottles, kind of like hamsters?
Yeah. Yeah. Adorable. We do keep more newspapers alive
and employ more journalists worldwide than any other company, so I guess we're doing our bit?
Uh-huh. The Soviet Union employed a ton of journalists, too.
Oh, Nate, we got to Stalin so fast?
Is Gil still turning up on Russia Today by mistake?
- Hey. Hey, man. - Hey, Ken.
- Good to see you. - It's a family affair.
Yeah, I didn't think you'd be here. I thought
the newly-minted President of Waystar Royco would just be too busy.
- I'm on the advisory. - Oh, right.
You're the newest attraction at the zoo, half man, half Nobel Prize?
Oh, sure, Shiv. You got me.
Well, well, well, Shiv. Really nice to see you, really.
- Hey. - Hey.
So how is he? Is he, like, angry hog at the state fair, rolling in shit, snapping at kids?
He's fine. He's worried you might come in.
- Let him worry. - Okay. Well, that would just be dumb, Ken.
We all need for us to win the shareholder vote.
You, too. So just, you know, just wait a week.
And maybe cool it on the interviews while you're at it?
- That'd be smart all round. - Oh. Well, yeah. Maybe.
I'm not a suicide bomber, Shiv.
Hey, I wanted to say, um, just at Rava's?
I think I'm right, I am right, but I maybe threw a couple of ugly rocks.
I'm just trying to be more thoughtful now.
- So... - Look, I...
I think we have the same aim here is the truth.
You know, big picture. I am fucking tired of all this shit, too.
And I'm pushing for change.
Like, is there a world where you stop being gross and throwing stones
and we can acknowledge and rebuild, you know, truth and reconciliation.
You know, and maybe we can actually find a way to fucking fix things
from the inside, which is the only place that anything ever gets done anyway.
They made you get all dressed up for this?
Or do you not actually give a fuck?
And it's all just ego?
Look at this.
It's you now.
- "Ladies and gentlemen, to present our..." - I'm sorry for you, Siobhan.
"who is used to owning the news rather than being in the news, Kendall Roy."
So thanks for making time and, when we do it, the first section will just be
- the South Asian streaming stuff? - Yeah.
We'll have to ask the shareholder meeting question.
- I'm very confident. Massive optimism. - Great.
And then, you know, I think that you know that there's this idea
that everyone felt it'd be really kind of fun
if after everything we might, open up the door on some family stuff for a little bit.
No, I know, I know. And we won't dwell on it, so,
we'll just keep it loose and, it'd be fun to freewheel it, hmm?
Tell me precisely every single word they're gonna ask me.
Well, I couldn't disclose specific questions because of our policies at ATN Business
and that would be ethically, you know.
But, it's, it might be something like
"Logan seems like a business- oriented guy,"
"what's something special that you and your dad enjoy doing together?"
- No! Next question. - Okay. Sure.
"What was a time that your dad came to your aid when you really needed him?"
- Mmm, no. We're not doing that one. - Right.
"What is your most cherished father-son memory?"
So far, these are bad.
Well, how about, how about you lead?
Is there some sort of childhood, uh, story that you'd like to tell?
I got a memory in the old bankiola. some fly-fishing in Montana,
- Sure. - If that interests you.
Thank you, Mr. Roy!
Um, well, I will pass that along.
- Hi. - Hi.
And I don't want him...
- How are you doing? - Love and marriage.
I feel another million drain with every cluck from that hen house.
- Did you see him? - I did.
- Is he coming in? - I don't know.
I don't think so. I think he gets it.
Thank you.
You know, every time I don't see you out there saying something, I think,
- "Does Shiv even like me?" - Oh, come on. Roman is...
My daughter. My only daughter.
What is it exactly that you want me to do?
I don't know. Draw a circle around him, maybe?
Declare that your old man isn't some dirty bastard.
- Tell the truth, maybe, about him. - Uh-hmm. Yeah.
The truth, but horrible in public, right?
- Do you trust me? - Yes, of course.
- On what? - On all this hullabaloo.
- "Hullabaloo"? - Uh-huh.
Yeah.
I don't...
Yeah.
- Can we I mean, can we talk? - Yes. We can talk.
Okay. Well, we're a big company, but...
how bad is... is... What is the worst thing
- that could be in those papers? - Not all that bad.
I mean Um, health, safety, compliance.
A few bad apples.
What? Well, I know that isn't true.
Come on, Dad. Tom worked in cruises, Bill told him everything.
And besides, I know that there were black ops
and I know that there was targeted intimidation of victims and whistleblowers.
- NRPI, for fuck's sake. - Maybe there were some salty moves.
- You can't just change your story. - I wanna keep you clean.
I put Gerri in, but I can't trust her, she's optics. I need you.
Listen, I didn't know about any of this shit.
Well, you're on emails.
Do you know how many emails I get a day?
I don't read my emails. I get the action points.
- I know. - Shiv, the world is fucking rough.
We ran a cruise line out of some tin pot ports registered in bongo fucking bongo hovels
and we poured millions in it, sure.
Did we play rough with the odd fucking union boss
or some Moaning Minnie repeat litigant?
I don't know! It was a quarter of a century ago.
A lot of it. So yes.
I fought, for you and your brothers.
But you will not find a piece of paper that makes you ashamed of me. Okay?
Well, the government does have an unbelievable amount of leverage at its disposal, Dad.
- The law. - Yeah, the law.
The law is people.
And people is politics.
And I can handle the people.
- Oh, that is nice. - It's just beautiful,
- I mean, it's just... it's... - It's heavy.
Is it? I've always been self-conscious about my wrists,
- It's saffron. - so it could address that.
- You have normal wrists. - Thanks, that is very nice of you to say.
- That is, you have some nice wrists yourself. - Greg, do you think we could figure this out?
You wanna transfer now? It's 40K.
Oh, no, no. Um, I think this is, uh, like a gift situation.
Hey, Ken? Hey, Ken?
- Are you buying this? - What?
- Are you buying him this? - What? The... the watch?
No. No. I just said I'd hook you up, dude.
What is that look? Don't get weird on me.
I'm not your fucking sugar daddy. Cheapskate.
No, that's... that's all good, I mean,
- it's $40,000 worth... - I'm not buying that fucking watch.
- What the fuck is he talking about? - No, I can't. I'm gonna need to give it back.
- It's not a good time. No, no, no, no, no. - It has your patina now.
- No, I don't have patina. - You agreed.
- No, I shower. - Shit, she... did me again tonight.
Hey, hey, Comfry? Sophie Iwobi did me again tonight.
I'm gonna do it. I'mma do it. Yeah.
- What? - She did a segment.
- Oh, shit. - Should we do this tomorrow, maybe?
- "Oedipussy 2." - I could... I can get you some bullet points?
It looks like she tore me one. Come on, fuck that.
We gotta we gotta watch this!
Hey, guys! Guys! I'm gonna put on Sophie Iwobi.
It looks like she tore me one.
Hey, hey. Come on. We should watch this, it'll be fun. Here it is.
"So let's turn for a moment to Kendall Roy Whoo-hoo! my favorite white man."
"Snitchy Rich. Or as you may know him"
- "a jar of mayonnaise in a Prada suit." - Ha! Okay.
"Roy tweeted earlier today, "We must overthrow the culture"
- It's okay, you can laugh. - "of corruption that silences women."
- "The fuck is he talking about?" - Amen.
"That's like your dog saying, "Hey, guys, guys, we have to punish""
""whoever ate coffee grounds out of the trash and then shit on the sofa.""
"Hashtag Sofa Justice."
- That's great. - "Actual progressives have been embracing"
"this dude. Why?"
"This is the guy who told Congress like a month ago"
"that the investigation into his father was a witch hunt."
"And he's also the fail-bro who once posed in this photo"
- Oh, shit. - "flashing gang signs"
- "outside of Jean Georges." - Okay. That is such a reach.
- You were being tongue-in-cheek. - She fucking loves me.
"See, the problem is, Kendall Roy suffers from a severe case"
- This is love, it's all love. - "of what doctors call Caucasian Rich Brain."
"What happens is, genetically inherited wealth and whiteness can cause neural pathways"
"in the brain to constrict and make the patient believe he's woke"
"when he's just a total fucking jackass."
- "Of course he's done wrong. Thank you." - I feel like I should go on.
- What do you think? Can you touch base? - I think we should talk to Berry
because there's a couple ways to counter backlash,
- and it might not be the best. - Backlash? This is...
- This is not... - This is being in the conversation.
- Yeah - This is fucking great.
- This is great. - Yeah.
- Hey. - Shivy!
- Oh, hi! - Hey.
- How was your guy? Did you see him? - Yup.
Yeah. When I got in,
Mondale had eaten some of your pantyhose and I had to pull them out of his ass.
Oh, my God. I'm sorry.
You shouldn't leave them lying around on the floor, Siobhan.
- Not once the help have gone. - Yeah.
-You okay? - Mondale's not well. Mondale's unsettled.
- Is, Kendall coming in to Waystar? -I don't think so.
- How is your guy? - How is my guy?
- Uh-hmm. - Well, um, well, uh...
Yeah. We I outlined what might have happened to a theoretical John Doe, divisional head.
- Uh-hmm. - And, you know, we talked about
if what comes out does come out in terms of the investigation, and he said
"It's very difficult to see a world in which this John Doe doesn't go to jail."
- So. - Right. Fuck.
Tom, it'll be okay.
And what evidence do you have for that? I'm curious.
- Tom, honey? - I did have one dumb idea.
- Uh-hmm? - Yeah.
I was thinking, you know, maybe... maybe it would be good to get out in front of it.
If prison is likely, could I find any benefit in that, you know?
- You mean cooperate? - No, not with DOJ.
Your dad.
I go to your dad and I... I offer myself up as the beating post.
Uh, no, honey, you can't.
No. Honey, you're drunk.
But it is smart.
Yeah. It's, kind of a... a win from a no-win.
- You think? - Yeah. I mean, it's punchy.
I mean, you know, it's very likely that no one goes to prison.
- Uh-huh. Yeah. - And either way, you bank gold with my dad.
The offer is kind of genius.
All being well, you know, with a fair wind, I could be done in less than a year.
But, no, you can't, Tom.
Jesus. Everyone's doing fucking somersaults for him right now.
"And he told congress like a month ago"
"that the investigation into his father was a witch hunt."
"And he's also the fail-bro who once posed in this photo, flashing gang signs"
"outside of Jean-Georges."
"Poor Kenny."
"See, the problem is Kendall Roy suffers from a severe case"
"of what doctors call Caucasian Rich Brain."
- "Hey." Hey, Jess.
- I'm going in. - "Oh, okay. To the office?"
- Okay. Yeah. - "When?"
- Now. - "But you said..."
Yeah. I said that was a false thought. just make sure my office is ready.
I'll ping you before I arrive.
Good? Good? Great.
Greg. Yo. Hey, I'm going in.
Yeah. I might wanna roll deep, so, uh, just keep it on the down-low, okay?
I wanna see the shockwaves.
- "November just around the corner," - Hi.
- "very important election..." - Shouldn't be too long now.
Well, he has already brought more voters, in a sense, by increasing...
Yeah, because I've, you know, I've been, I've been...
I've been thinking, um, about what it is that you might really need right now,
and, um, and how I can help.
Yeah. Yeah. Because, you know, if, if things go how they could go,
maybe there's no repercussions. But if not,
there'll probably be a cash number
and there will probably need to be a face or two behind bars, right?
- What's your angle, Tom? - No, none. None. Just just, uh
I'm probably in the firing line.
And I just wanted you to know if you need to strategize, I can be that guy.
I'll step up and go down.
That's it?
- You don't want anything? - No. No. It's just there.
If you need it. I won't wriggle.
Just clonk the trout on the head and put it in your pouch.
It won't come to that.
But...
thank you, Tom. Thank you.
- Not a problem. - All he's doing, helping us to get
our message out to Latino voters who've really come around
to the President's message and, you know,
we saw Boyer on your program a few nights ago.
- Absolutely. - Absolutely. Much for the president so...
"Bergman, Hendon, and Weiss."
Hello. Uh, hi.
I was given your number by a friend of mine and I was wanting to, um
I would like to schedule an appointment with Rex Hendon?
- "This is for a consultation?" - Uh-huh. That's right.
Excuse me, can you hold the line one second?
- Greg, talk fast. What is it? I'm busy. - "Hey, so..."
"so I have something that you guys might wanna know."
- Thank you. - Here you go.
- Hey! How you doing? - Great.
- Are you... what are you doing down here? - Mark, isn't he the just fucking greatest?
- Sure. Yeah. - As ever, great to have you contribute.
Could we do five on what we need to do here?
Sure.
So how are things?
Look at you, the tough guy!
You wouldn't even take service of a subpoena, right?
Yeah. My son stands up, waves his dick in the air,
and the rest of the world is meant to re-arrange itself according to his liking?
- I don't think so, right? - I see.
But are you gonna get more cooperative now that you've set the table?
Oh, it's a witch hunt.
The prosecutors are gonna regret any time or money they spend on it.
- What does the old man think? - Not fucking much.
No, he's got he's got poll numbers dancing in front of his eyes morning, noon, and night.
So someone shits in Wisconsin,
he's worried it'll float down the Mississippi and hurt his numbers in Iowa.
Relax. We've got his back!
Yeah, well that's great.
I guess, you know, when this thing broke the whole thing was, "Logan Roy's going down."
But then you got this thing, some of our folks are like, "There's no way Roy's going down."
"The President's gonna protect him. The system is broken!"
People have no idea.
- They have these paranoid fantasies. - Yeah.
- I don't want you to do anything. - Right.
What I want is, is nothing.
Normal consideration not to become the focus of some bullshit.
- Right. - Not favors.
- Right. - Right, right, right, right, right.
- What? - The fact is,
I don't want anything from anyone.
That's not the way I operate, but I would like to know
that no one's gonna shit their pants if I hang tough.
Facebook is full of photos of you and the boss at CPAC and Davos.
All the nice things you've said about each other?
It hits the demographic we have to worry about.
If that Raisin hangs me out to dry, I'm quite willing to do the same to him.
Well, if we're gonna be real, maybe the president has not been feeling
like your coverage has been very helpful or truthful lately.
It could get a lot fucking worse!
We have the same interest here.
Can you lower the temperature? And I'll see what I can do.
Sure. That's all I need.
- Excuse me. - So we asked everyone to submit
concerns and questions anonymously via the Intranet.
Which has some drawbacks, as you know, and we wanted you to be aware, Shiv.
If you're gonna be up there, so we plan to put these on, um, a screen
- And what are they asking? - Well, the general tenor is,
"What the hell's happening here?"
A lot of those.
also, "I'm embarrassed to say to my mother I work at Waystar. Any advice?"
- Yeah, fuck your mother. - "Please tell us anything at all"
- "about what is happening here." - Oh, God.
- Did they write these questions in crayon? - I mean, I have my speech all set.
Do we even really need to have questions?
Well, we did say we wanted to answer questions, so...
- Yeah. There we go. - Okay. Well, dad can't see this one
- or this one. - Oh, fuck no.
- This will make him shit his Pop Tarts. - No, no.
- I think there's like three here we can use. - Okay.
- Three is all we need. - But this is just fucking rude.
- I mean, it's not even really a question. - Okay.
I mean, I don't think people should even be thinking this that work here.
- You're right. - Can we get different questions like
- less question-y questions? - Yeah. Uh-hmm.
- 'Cause these are just fucking horrible. - We can.
- Okay. Well, Hugo and I did prepare... - Something else.
a set of questions that are of the sort of things that people would actually wanna know.
- Great. - Yeah. I mean these, we feel,
- are people's real questions, okay? - We've got a problem.
- Logan wants to see you in his office. - Now?
- "Hello?" - Lisa.
- Lisa! The Regal Legal Eagle. - "Kendall, I hear you're going in."
- "What the fuck?" - Yeah.
I can't let him dominate the battlespace, Lisa.
My sister is making moves, I can't just watch it happen.
What... what's the story on my immunity?
"I'm figuring out a "Queen for a Day" situation, Kendall."
- "I have to have control here." - Yeah, but we're losing the momentum.
Can we get a raid? What about a raid? Can we get a raid?
- "We can't "get" anything." - No, sure. But really?
I mean, we hit the right buttons. Has the government gone soft-cock on Big Corp?
I'll call you in 40, Lisa. You're the boss here! Bye.
And let's commit to Iwobi. Yeah? Let's do it. Reach out.
Call Noah and get me some jokes.
Not jokes, like, funny as fuck shit, but not in a stupid jokey way.
- Is it true? He's on his way? - Fucking rat.
I'm gonna jam a Montblanc down his fucking throat.
- He'll eat up any drama, Dad. - Kerry!
Look, why don't we just let him come on in and ignore him?
Get us Colin, get us building services.
If he comes for me, I want him fucking cuffed.
- Okay. - He's fired!
HR is discussing him stepping down from his duties, but firing?
You would be handing DOJ a gas can.
- Yeah. - It would be a PR disaster.
- Want me to get outside counsel on the line? - Front desk says he's pulling up.
I don't want people seeing him. Keep him the fuck out!
How are you?
Sir. I'm... I'm sorry.
- Yeah? - Just Your keycard has expired.
- Expired? That's weird. - Hi, Kendall.
- Uh, bit of a crazy morning here. - Oh, is it?
If you like, we could head over to 43 North and I can fill you in.
Might be a little bit more comfortable there.
Yeah. Not going to the satellite office. Thanks.
My card doesn't work, so I'm just gonna hurdle the gates and have Remi film it.
What? No, who's... How about we go up with you?
- We go up together. We'll swipe you in. - You guys wanna sync up?
- They can't go up. - 'Cause they... They're inviting me to...
- No. He can go up. He can't go up. - They told us he can't go up.
- Really? Sorry, who's "they"? Who's "they"? - We can't authorize that.
- Well... - I can authorize that.
- I am authorizing that. - Let... Hey...
We probably can't keep him out of the town hall, correct?
"You can discourage him from attending in light of his position."
Can we discourage him with a taser shot directly to his peni or scrummage sacking?
- He's headed for the freight. - Fine.
Bring him up in the dumbwaiter like a fucking hamburger.
- All right. What's up, bro? - Hey.
- Doing the heavy lifting. - Yeah.
- Is he there? - I don't see him yet with his stupid walk.
Tom, get Sam and Ray in IT, and make sure he doesn't get fucking cute with IT.
Hey, man.
- Good to see you, man. Hey, man. - Hey. Hey, hey, hey.
- Hey. - Kind of weird, right?
- It's pretty weird. - Yeah.
- But, you know, yeah. - How's it going?
- Yeah. Life goes on, you know? Yeah. - Buddhist.
Nice. Life does go on.
So what so what's going on back there in my dad's office?
He got any backchannel White House contacts in there or what?
- I'm joking. You can't tell me that. - Right. Right, right.
And do you have an immunity deal with DOJ?
- Do you? - It's good we can kid around like this.
But look, man, you're actually in a difficult spot.
I know it's... it's no fun being the last fucking eunuch in the forbidden city.
I'm doing fine.
Well, I like you and I have no beef with you, Tom.
Another life is possible, brother.
He's trying to kiss or nibble Tom.
Let's just not turn this into the Invasion of Normandy, okay?
- 2010.... - Okay. Okay.
Locked out. Does it feel cold to you in here?
- Right? - It... Is it?
You got to be kidding me.
Yeah, yeah. They've... they've... they've hacked my AC.
I think... I think this is a 68, how you like it.
68? This isn't 68, no fucking way.
This is like 65, 62. Definitely feels a little cool.
- Okay, Remi. - Yeah.
-I'm airdropping you a little shopping list. - Okay.
-You gonna come back stat? - I can do that.
- What time does the town hall start? - Um, two o'clock.
- Two o'clock? Okay. - Yeah.
Yeah.
- What? - Just checking in.
Okay. Yeah. I'm just...
I know you.
- So, if you're ready? - Will my dad be there?
- Undermining my authority? - He'll be nearby emphasizing your authority.
The live feed will be streaming through the whole building
and to all major offices globally.
And anything you need, I'll be here.
Congratulations, by the way.
I was always pushing for you to be brought in in my own little way. I think this...
And now please welcome our new Domestic President, Siobhan Roy.
Thank you all. Thank you. Thank you, Karolina.
Okay, so I will keep this straightforward.
A senior executive at Waystar who also happens to be a senior brother of mine,
I think I can legally say that,
has made some very serious allegations
and as we take those allegations seriously,
there is, you'll understand, a fair amount that we can't talk about legally.
However, this is still a family operation in spirit and you are all a part of that family.
So as much as we can tell you, you know, we want to tell you,
I'm Siobhan Roy, Waystar's new President of Domestic Operations.
And I'm paying particular and specific attention to corporate responsibility.
I know that some of you have concerns, and I'm here to tell you we get it.
If mistakes have been made historically at Cruises,
we are going to identify them and implement, uh...
What's more, personal accountability
is one of the four core pillars of the Waystar philosophy. Hugo?
- Yeah. Yeah. - We got that. Thank you.
some people might think this, issue is a joke,
but we, assure you, we take it very seriously. Just... Thank you.
Go and find what the fuck is going on, please.
So we are going to ensure that those who engaged in any actions
that went beyond mere mistakes, to more purpos-ul... Purposeful...
Can we get that sorted?
I assure you, we take this issue very seriously even if someone here is not.
Fucking ruined it.
Sorry, Pinky.
Now do you see? Huh?
- Hey, Ken. - Hey.
Thanks.
- Are we close? What time is it? - Oh, what time is it?
Oh, it's, it's like the 18th century or something when watches didn't work.
- It doesn't work? - No.
- Why did you get it? - Why did I get it? You encouraged me.
You don't remember this? You shrugged at me like it was reasonable.
- This one's good. - Not if it doesn't work.
It's fine. It's okay. I I'm a humble custodian now.
A piece like this will often have to go to Switzerland for six months.
So I have this funny bit about how, for the special committee of the board.
And the... the white shoe firm that will handle the investigation,
how my dad's putting pressure to hire a firm that will help them cover up.
- Do you hear anything? - So it's, it's like, cover-up.
Cover-Up 'R" Us. Like Toys 'R' Us.
- Cover-up 'R' Us. - Yeah.
- No? - I don't know.
- No. - But I think that the Love Boat vids
- are good. - Yeah, Love Boat.
Hey! Because we pushed taping for you, we're still filling up the audience.
- But shouldn't be too long. - Cool.
- Do you guys need anything? - We're great. Thank you.
- Are you okay? - Yeah, I'm good. Yeah.
- He's just jerking off his invisible friend. - No.
Hey, so, where are the writers at?
- Um, generally writers and guests are... - Oh, no, generally,
but I knew a guy at the Lampoon who knows Dylan.
Can I just find them to say hi? I might pitch a couple of areas for the gigglebots?
Oh, well, we don't really have time.
- We gotta kind of get up there. - It's cool, I'll find him.
Hey, Rome, how you doing?
I've just been on TV waxing lyrical about me and dad out
murdering trout and singing sea shanties around the old marshmallow hole.
- Have you read this thing? - Now, I talked dad down.
- He wanted us all to appear on a talk show. - Get the fuck out of here.
Sitting on a couch together I thought would be very gauche.
So I drafted this to land and to end debate He wants us all to sign it.
Man, this is quite a rich brew.
Well, I think a formal response really draws a line under it.
I'm sure you're being asked, so this is just us very clearly saying
that we're not a part of Kendall's thing.
What? You would have to say it's accurate.
Yeah, accurate like Oswald was accurate.
I want us all to sign it for release to media tonight.
I mean, it's kind of It's kind of a greeting card from hell.
- What? - It's a Times New Roman firing squad.
Yeah, it's pretty horrible, you know?
Well. It's all basically verified so...
Well, yeah, drug addict, serial liar, absentee father,
history of his own problematic relations with women.
- Which of those isn't true? - No. It's accurate, you know.
But this would be out there, like, forever.
You know, PGN pulls up that photo of me with the pony tail
anytime they wanna make me look untrustworthy.
Okay. Look, Kendall is on a mission.
And he's not going to stop unless we take his legs out.
And did dad want for all of us to do this?
It's more powerful if it comes from all three of us.
- Now, you're full of shit. - What?
- I'm... I'm not signing this. - Roman, why not?
Because I don't want to. It makes me feel unwell.
He taught me how to aim my peepee in the toilet.
The fuck? That's not a reason, Roman.
Take me to reason court and fucking sue me.
Roman, we all have to do things we don't want to sometimes.
I just don't. This is not in my best interest, so, no.
- Connor? - Well, I don't wanna be a bitch.
But my signature is valuable real estate and I'm not giving it away for free.
- Okay. What do you want? - I would like some consideration.
I would like some suck, suck on my dicky-dick.
- Oh, my God. - Same.
I'm feeling brutally un-suck-sucked right now.
You're babies.
- Take my name off, please. - Fine. I'll do it myself.
Thanks all the fucking help as always.
Um, it's so good to see so many of you here to tonight.
Our amazing advertisers, and, you know, we'd be nothing without you.
And I just wanna say to you all whatever is happening up in the clouds,
where the gods play a little rough and tumble, down here, it is very much, business as usual.
So here's to you, here's to weathering the storm.
Yeah, like that's... that's closer to the idea...
Here they are.
The geniuses at work! Clickity- clack, clickity-clack.
- Okay. Hello. - Dylan?
- Yeah? - Yeah, hey, I I knew Pat at the Lampoon.
- Oh, okay. - He says you're like a super funny dude.
- Oh, well - Yeah. No, you are.
I just wanted to drop by and let you guys know
you do awesome work, very smart, very satirical.
- Cool. Thanks, man. - Yeah, yeah.
- Hey, listen, I want you guys to hit me. - Yes.
Just Rickles the fuck out of Oedipussy here?
- I can take it. - Well, it's just the show so...
- Yeah, yeah. It's the show. - You know.
- Hey. Ken, can I grab for a second? - Hey. These are the writers.
- Hi. - Dylan, my man. Hurt me.
- Ken. Ken. - Fucking hurt me.
- Please. - Jesus Christ.
- What's up? - I'm not sure how wide this has gone,
- I'm just seeing it now. But... - Okay.
You should...
- So... okay. - Yeah.
So... So... What... what do I... What do we do with this?
Because this is actually really sort of nothing, I think.
- Yeah? - No, I wouldn't say it's nothing.
That's below the belt.
Is the world seeing this or or just basically us?
Yeah the whole world.
Can we ask them not to use it tonight? Will they mention it?
- I think they'll probably mention it. - But they but it's private, I feel like...
Yeah. But it's not private.
- No. - No. Okay.
I mean, can I still go on? I feel like I still go on, right?
- Yeah, I know. I think it's fine. - Yeah.
It's just the kind of thing where we just maybe steer away from it.
- You know? Maybe... - Here, here.
- Right. So, my concern is that it might... - Yeah.
- It might be weird if we don't mention it. - Sure.
- Absolutely. - Okay. Good.
Look, it is big of you to come here.
- We wanna be fair. - Totally. And I'm game.
- Okay. That's great. - Yeah.
There's just a you know, a possibility with all the legal of it
that I might have to bow out, but we're good.
- We're good. - Right.
- We tape in 15 minutes. - Sure, no, and I'd help with that. Obviously.
- Right. How would you help with that? - I know people.
You... You're gonna what? Call Jay-Z and get him to...
- Yeah. A name. - to do the show in 15 minutes?
- I can do that. - No, no.
I think you're over-thinking this.
It's a comedy show. We're gonna we're gonna have fun.
And Sophie is tough, but she's fair.
Look, and you're our guest.
- So... - No, I know. You're right.
- Yeah. So we're... we're good? - Okay. Yeah, no, for sure.
- Okay. - Okay.
Great.
Hey!
- Hey. - What are you in for?
Ah, me? Just running some numbers with Gerri on you know,
the fucking getting the distribution deals for these Fucking... It's murder.
- Good kid. - Yeah. Uh-huh.
Um, but sorry about the letter or whatever, I just...
Keeping your nose out, huh?
- Well, I don't know, I guess. - Smart cookie, huh?
- Smart little fucking cookie, hey? - Well, you know?
- I, saw your little interview. - Oh, right.
- Yeah, we don't have to dissect that. - "Ooo, I wuv my daddy".
- Yeah. - I never figured you for a faggot.
- I'm kidding. I'm kidding. - I know, I know.
So what's this, uh fishing thing?
- I don't remember. - Oh, yeah, that was, Connor, actually.
Connor took me on that.
But, you know, single multi-use happy childhood memory. So yeah.
"Oh, my God. Such sad news."
"Guess what, we're down a guest. Oedipussy has ghosted my ass."
"Yeah. And I'm like heartbroken, because I had so many names I was going to call him."
Wokestar Royco.
"Benedickhead Arnold, Paranoid Kendroid."
"But honestly, nothing could be as brutal as the open letter his own sister released."
""I am deeply concerned for the wellbeing of my brother.""
""Our entire family has supported him through his many attempts""
""at rehabilitation for his multiple addictions.""
""But the events of the last days have made it clear""
""that our hopes for his recovery were misplaced.""
""I've now been a direct witness to his misogynistic rants""
""and comparisons to world historical figures""
""that were suggestive of grandiose and disordered thinking""
""and I would ask that people give my brother privacy and consideration""
""during this difficult time.""
"And that's from his sister and she's the fucking nice one."
- The FBI is downstairs. - What?
- Yeah. - Tell them to fuck off.
Yeah, these are the ones who don't fuck off.
- This is a search warrant. - What do they do at the front desk?
What are we doing? They're at the gates.
- Can we call Southern district? - Okay.
- Get Layo, get, get, get, get, get. - Okay, okay.
Can we stall 'em? Shall I call Michelle-Anne?
No, I think that the Deputy Attorney General got spooked by you talking to Michelle-Anne.
Well, what the fuck did Michelle-Anne do? She's got no fucking acumen.
Well, I guess the Government isn't a fucking Pez dispenser.
You don't push a button and something pops out the other end.
- Yes, I am well-aware. - There's about 20 of them down there.
Why don't we just ask them if they can come back tomorrow?
Logan, they are coming up, and if you don't open the door, they will kick it in.
And if you don't open the filing cabinet, they will pull out a crow bar.
This is a show of resolve and there are cameras outside
and they do not need to see the FBI meeting any resistance.
What do we say?
Cooperate.
- Open up. Let them in. - Come on. Let's go.
Okay. I will call down and I'll ask to talk to the lead agent and we will work something out.
- Okay. - We're cooperating?
We're cooperating.
Get the special committee, shift the legals. We're cooperating.
People watch our channel for so long, we had to animate our logo
because it was burning into people's screens.
I mean, that is how loyal the viewers are.
And you know, we will survive this whole episode because... Because of our strength,
because of our depth of talent, and because of our values.
Our true values. Yes?
Um, guys, just a little heads-up.
And this is not something I want us to get out of proportion or spoil the evening,
but it would that seem some agents of Federal law enforcement
are raiding the premises right now.
So if you see them, that's what that is.
It's fine. It's fine. Just fucking leave it.
"As you can see, the FBI is currently raiding Waystar headquarters in lower Manhattan."
"In order to execute an..."