1
00:00:28,329 --> 00:00:31,832
Dasvidaniya suka!

2
00:00:31,865 --> 00:00:33,234
You speak Russian?

3
00:00:33,267 --> 00:00:34,737
I can only say two things.

4
00:00:36,648 --> 00:00:37,648
And the other one.

5
00:00:51,051 --> 00:00:52,652
[alarm buzzes]

6
00:00:52,686 --> 00:00:53,886
[grumbles]

7
00:00:56,223 --> 00:00:57,825
[alarm buzzes]

8
00:00:57,857 --> 00:01:00,527
[struggling]

9
00:01:00,561 --> 00:01:02,429
[alarm buzzes]

10
00:01:02,462 --> 00:01:04,399
[grunting]

11
00:01:04,432 --> 00:01:05,734
-Yes!
-[alarm buzzes]

12
00:01:05,768 --> 00:01:08,602
Oh, God! Are you shittin' me?

13
00:01:08,635 --> 00:01:11,337
[Joker laughing]

14
00:01:11,370 --> 00:01:12,373
Joker!

15
00:01:12,406 --> 00:01:17,356
-This is my score.
-Well, it was.

16
00:01:17,912 --> 00:01:20,313
[clicks open]

17
00:01:20,347 --> 00:01:22,183
But it's mine now.

18
00:01:22,215 --> 00:01:23,817
The only reason
you're getting this
and I'm not,

19
00:01:23,817 --> 00:01:26,087
is you got a bunch of goons
that do whatever you say.

20
00:01:26,120 --> 00:01:27,355
That's not true!

21
00:01:27,388 --> 00:01:29,322
Goons, throw Harley out.

22
00:01:29,356 --> 00:01:30,990
[both]
Whatever you say, boss.

23
00:01:31,025 --> 00:01:32,025
Whoa!

24
00:01:38,799 --> 00:01:41,001
[sighs] I need a fucking crew.

25
00:01:41,034 --> 00:01:43,271
No, you need a shower.

26
00:01:43,304 --> 00:01:47,275
[theme music playing]

27
00:01:47,308 --> 00:01:49,176
So, you didn't get the warhead?

28
00:01:49,176 --> 00:01:52,112
No. Joker stole it
'cause he had a crew.

29
00:01:52,146 --> 00:01:53,513
Like all real supervillains.

30
00:01:53,548 --> 00:01:55,750
I mean, I get by
just fine on my own. So...

31
00:01:55,784 --> 00:01:59,085
[coughing sarcastically]
Your independence
is quite inspiring.

32
00:01:59,120 --> 00:02:00,921
-Oh, can it, Frank.
-I love you, Ivy.

33
00:02:00,956 --> 00:02:02,891
You know, Ive,
I could have really used
your help out there.

34
00:02:02,924 --> 00:02:06,161
Honestly, I really think that
crews are over-rated.

35
00:02:06,194 --> 00:02:10,097
You know, it's like,
some very successful
supervillains work alone.

36
00:02:10,131 --> 00:02:12,133
Like look at this guy.
Look at Dr. Psycho.

37
00:02:12,165 --> 00:02:13,469
Perfect example.

38
00:02:13,469 --> 00:02:16,169
Doesn't have a crew,
yet still taking on
Wonder Woman.

39
00:02:16,203 --> 00:02:18,372
Like a champ.

40
00:02:18,406 --> 00:02:21,105
[people screaming]

41
00:02:24,377 --> 00:02:27,713
Still too scared to fight me
with your own hands, Psycho?

42
00:02:27,747 --> 00:02:30,217
What a grand idea!

43
00:02:30,251 --> 00:02:32,485
[choking]

44
00:02:32,485 --> 00:02:33,454
[laughing]

45
00:02:33,454 --> 00:02:35,723
I'm sorry. What's that?

46
00:02:35,757 --> 00:02:40,757
You really want your last words
to be... [mimics choking]

47
00:02:41,861 --> 00:02:44,564
[Wonder Woman screams]

48
00:02:44,598 --> 00:02:48,669
-That really hurt, you [bleep]!
-[all gasp]

49
00:02:48,701 --> 00:02:49,735
[gasps]

50
00:02:49,770 --> 00:02:53,139
[both gasp]

51
00:02:53,174 --> 00:02:54,437
Holy shit!

52
00:02:54,437 --> 00:02:57,444
Well, see! If he had a crew,
that would have told him
to use the B word instead.

53
00:02:57,478 --> 00:03:00,881
And if I had one,
I'd use that warhead
to blackmail Gotham

54
00:03:00,913 --> 00:03:02,282
into naming a highway after me.

55
00:03:02,316 --> 00:03:03,951
Huh? A highway. All right.

56
00:03:03,951 --> 00:03:07,830
Well, you know,
that took a weird turn.
[slurps]

57
00:03:08,588 --> 00:03:11,058
[sighs in frustration] Mmm.

58
00:03:11,092 --> 00:03:14,562
So you're certain this whole
[bleep] thing is gonna
blow over, right?

59
00:03:14,594 --> 00:03:17,431
-Oh, yeah.
-Sure, yeah. A few talk show
appearances...

60
00:03:17,465 --> 00:03:20,133
-Cry about how you love
your wife.
-[laughing]

61
00:03:20,133 --> 00:03:21,669
It's exactly what we had
Mr. Freeze do

62
00:03:21,669 --> 00:03:24,104
when he exposed himself
at the Gotham water park.

63
00:03:24,138 --> 00:03:26,209
You guys fixed that?
Wow, you're good.

64
00:03:26,241 --> 00:03:31,145
-And by good, I mean bad!
-[both laughing]

65
00:03:31,177 --> 00:03:32,312
Come on!

66
00:03:32,346 --> 00:03:34,115
Ms. Quinn,
we've been expecting you.

67
00:03:34,147 --> 00:03:37,117
-Thank you.
-Let's get you henched up.

68
00:03:37,151 --> 00:03:39,387
That's Cronk.
He's muscle.

69
00:03:39,419 --> 00:03:42,223
If you don't mind
crazy roid rage,
he's your man.

70
00:03:42,256 --> 00:03:44,725
-The Professor, he's brainy.
-So smart.

71
00:03:44,758 --> 00:03:46,627
He's not brainy
with names though, huh?

72
00:03:46,661 --> 00:03:48,762
-Oh, my God, so right.
-[both laughing]

73
00:03:48,795 --> 00:03:49,862
Beautiful.

74
00:03:49,896 --> 00:03:51,665
Meet Blaze!

75
00:03:51,699 --> 00:03:54,502
-Explosive.
Lotta buzz on him.
-Boom.

76
00:03:54,534 --> 00:03:56,169
-Lotta chatter.
-[making chatter effect]

77
00:03:56,203 --> 00:03:58,173
Lotta heat.

78
00:03:58,205 --> 00:03:59,774
Yes, and if you don't
take him today, he'll have
seven offers tomorrow.

79
00:03:59,807 --> 00:04:01,575
-Goodbye.
-Hell, I'll take 'em all.

80
00:04:01,609 --> 00:04:04,344
I'll crush Joker with
this team behind me.

81
00:04:04,377 --> 00:04:06,114
-I thought you were
his girlfriend.
-No.

82
00:04:06,147 --> 00:04:08,616
-I dumped that bum weeks ago.
-You didn't go back to him?

83
00:04:08,616 --> 00:04:11,085
-Yeah, like you always do.
-No. I'm on my own now.

84
00:04:11,117 --> 00:04:13,687
So, when can these guys start?

85
00:04:13,721 --> 00:04:16,189
-I'm sorry. These men
are unavailable.
-For how long?

86
00:04:16,223 --> 00:04:17,925
-For...
-Ever?

87
00:04:17,958 --> 00:04:19,392
-Yeah.
-Yeah, forever.

88
00:04:19,427 --> 00:04:21,896
Well, I don't need ya.
I don't need any of ya!

89
00:04:21,930 --> 00:04:25,100
I'll put together my own crew
who's excited to work with
a real up-and-comer.

90
00:04:25,132 --> 00:04:28,134
If you get back together
with Joker, our doors
are always--

91
00:04:28,168 --> 00:04:32,968
[people chattering
indistinctly]

92
00:04:34,040 --> 00:04:36,177
Hey! Hey! Hey, you!

93
00:04:36,209 --> 00:04:37,812
Are you tired of being
a lousy sidekick?

94
00:04:37,846 --> 00:04:40,947
Abused, shit on,
used as a human shield?

95
00:04:40,980 --> 00:04:42,415
Then come work for me.

96
00:04:42,449 --> 00:04:44,485
You'll get top dollar,
great benefits,

97
00:04:44,519 --> 00:04:47,387
and I won't ever, knowingly,
send you to your deaths.

98
00:04:47,420 --> 00:04:48,723
[screaming]

99
00:04:48,755 --> 00:04:50,791
Wait, was she talking about
a job

100
00:04:50,791 --> 00:04:52,427
where we don't have to jump
into hell portals
and definitely die?

101
00:04:52,461 --> 00:04:54,661
Oh, just shut up and jump.

102
00:04:54,696 --> 00:04:56,930
[screaming]
I'm definitely dying!

103
00:04:56,964 --> 00:04:59,000
I promise you
it'll be better than that.

104
00:04:59,033 --> 00:05:02,403
Join me, and we'll be doing
million dollar heists
in no time.

105
00:05:02,435 --> 00:05:03,637
-Who's with me?
-Can't.

106
00:05:03,670 --> 00:05:05,338
-Busy.
-I got a family emergency.

107
00:05:05,372 --> 00:05:07,807
[stammering]
I have a thing.

108
00:05:07,841 --> 00:05:10,411
[screaming]

109
00:05:10,444 --> 00:05:13,146
-Assholes.
-No. No. No. No.

110
00:05:13,180 --> 00:05:14,781
Before you open
your female trap,

111
00:05:14,815 --> 00:05:17,283
no way in hell
I'm working for you.

112
00:05:17,317 --> 00:05:18,720
Who asked ya?

113
00:05:18,752 --> 00:05:20,687
Can you believe [bleep] guy's
rejecting me?

114
00:05:20,721 --> 00:05:23,490
[southern accent]
Well, ma'am, I don't know
nothing about that.

115
00:05:23,490 --> 00:05:25,994
I'm just a simply farm boy
from Oklahoma.

116
00:05:26,026 --> 00:05:29,697
I got two parents, three girls,
four boys, two lab mixes,

117
00:05:29,730 --> 00:05:33,634
both uncut on a small ranch
just outside of Muskogee.

118
00:05:33,668 --> 00:05:35,903
-What's your problem, weirdo?
-Why, Ms...

119
00:05:35,937 --> 00:05:39,939
I don't have no problem,
because I am actually...

120
00:05:39,973 --> 00:05:41,074
[growls]

121
00:05:41,108 --> 00:05:42,475
-Jeez.
-Good, fuckin' God.

122
00:05:42,509 --> 00:05:44,379
The name is Clayface.

123
00:05:44,413 --> 00:05:47,749
Thespian extraordinaire
recently portraying
the juicy role

124
00:05:47,781 --> 00:05:50,418
of country boy bartending
in the big city.

125
00:05:50,451 --> 00:05:53,786
I thought you were
playing the role of
"literal piece of shit."

126
00:05:53,819 --> 00:05:55,322
Not yet.

127
00:05:55,357 --> 00:05:59,192
-Ugh. It's in my hair.
-Now I'm a literal
piece of shit.

128
00:05:59,225 --> 00:06:01,028
-Okay.
-[thudding]

129
00:06:01,060 --> 00:06:03,230
Is it Clayface or Fuckface?

130
00:06:03,264 --> 00:06:07,401
Hey! Kite Man here.
Thinking about doing
a caper, gang.

131
00:06:07,435 --> 00:06:11,273
Not sure what,
might steal something,
might kidnap somebody.

132
00:06:11,305 --> 00:06:16,576
I don't know, uh,
depending on the weather.
But Kite will be involved.

133
00:06:16,576 --> 00:06:19,213
-Who's in?
-[all] I am! Let's do this!

134
00:06:19,245 --> 00:06:21,149
I do not fucking believe this.

135
00:06:21,182 --> 00:06:25,185
And then, they all ran off
with that loser Kite Man.

136
00:06:25,218 --> 00:06:26,653
Yeah.

137
00:06:26,687 --> 00:06:30,124
What a loser that guy is.
Did he mention my name?

138
00:06:30,156 --> 00:06:31,959
You know what, nevermind.

139
00:06:31,992 --> 00:06:34,194
-But did he?
-There must be something
I'm missing.

140
00:06:34,228 --> 00:06:37,430
-How do I get people
to work for me?
-She has no fuckin' idea.

141
00:06:37,464 --> 00:06:39,901
Because plants do all this shit
for her lazy ass.

142
00:06:39,934 --> 00:06:42,473
[dismissive groan]
There must be someone
who can gimme the inside scoop.

143
00:06:42,473 --> 00:06:46,673
Babe, what real supervillain
is gonna give away
their trade secrets?

144
00:06:46,708 --> 00:06:50,908
Well, maybe not "give away."

145
00:06:52,312 --> 00:06:56,416
[lights clank off]

146
00:06:56,449 --> 00:06:59,988
[thunder cracking]

147
00:07:00,021 --> 00:07:02,923
I am Maxie Zeus!

148
00:07:02,956 --> 00:07:06,259
And tonight, I "max"

149
00:07:06,293 --> 00:07:09,295
all your dreams come true!

150
00:07:09,329 --> 00:07:11,199
This guy's such a douche.

151
00:07:11,233 --> 00:07:13,834
I'm sorry, but none of
the charming villains
with great personalities

152
00:07:13,867 --> 00:07:15,403
were holding seminars today.

153
00:07:15,435 --> 00:07:18,773
Joker. Riddler. Two-Face.

154
00:07:18,805 --> 00:07:21,776
What do they have
that you don't?

155
00:07:21,809 --> 00:07:24,377
-[Poison Ivy] A penis?
-A crew!

156
00:07:24,411 --> 00:07:26,312
A villain goes in alone,

157
00:07:26,346 --> 00:07:29,617
but a supervillain
needs henchmen.

158
00:07:29,649 --> 00:07:32,088
When I robbed
the 1996 Olympics--

159
00:07:32,122 --> 00:07:35,656
-[crowd applauding]
-Oh, thank you very much,
just lovely. Fun times.

160
00:07:35,689 --> 00:07:39,427
My crew helped me
steal those medals.

161
00:07:39,459 --> 00:07:43,764
And now I literally sleep
on a pile of gold.

162
00:07:43,764 --> 00:07:46,733
Ivy, you hear that?
Sleeps on gold!

163
00:07:46,767 --> 00:07:49,336
Honestly, with the amount
of coke this guy does,

164
00:07:49,336 --> 00:07:51,810
I doubt he's sleeping
on anything.

165
00:07:51,810 --> 00:07:54,442
So, how does one
recruit goons?

166
00:07:54,475 --> 00:07:56,610
Through a henchmen agency,

167
00:07:56,644 --> 00:07:58,846
-or from popular villain--
-[Harley] Oh, oh, oh, oh...

168
00:07:58,879 --> 00:08:01,149
Yes. The juggler
in the third row.

169
00:08:01,182 --> 00:08:04,819
Mr. Zeus, I tried those things
and they didn't work.

170
00:08:04,851 --> 00:08:09,423
You can't let
rejection stop you.
Think about the big boys.

171
00:08:09,456 --> 00:08:12,793
Darkseid. Luthor. Maxie.

172
00:08:12,826 --> 00:08:15,928
-Are we quitters?
-[crowd] No!

173
00:08:15,963 --> 00:08:18,399
Neither are you!

174
00:08:18,432 --> 00:08:19,934
Okay, I'm out.

175
00:08:19,934 --> 00:08:21,701
Oh, sorry, sorry.
Didn't know you were busy.

176
00:08:21,701 --> 00:08:22,769
No, no. Come in.

177
00:08:22,803 --> 00:08:26,105
Just letting my legs breathe.

178
00:08:26,139 --> 00:08:28,142
You were so inspiring.

179
00:08:28,175 --> 00:08:30,547
-If you don't mind,
I got a couple questions.
-And I've got one big answer.

180
00:08:30,581 --> 00:08:34,682
[seductive music playing]

181
00:08:34,716 --> 00:08:38,352
Wow. That's just like one of
those paintings, you know,
where the eyes follow you,

182
00:08:38,385 --> 00:08:42,121
-except, nope, it's just your
greased-up nipples.
-Just between us,

183
00:08:42,155 --> 00:08:44,625
I painted it. Shh.

184
00:08:44,659 --> 00:08:47,662
Weird. So, hey,
I was wondering if you'd just
gimme some pointers.

185
00:08:47,695 --> 00:08:50,932
Well, I can certainly
give you one.

186
00:08:50,965 --> 00:08:54,749
Ah, got it!
So you're just a creepy dick.

187
00:08:54,749 --> 00:08:56,937
-I'm not fucking you.
-Oh, really?

188
00:08:56,971 --> 00:09:00,173
You were laughed out of UTI.

189
00:09:00,206 --> 00:09:02,408
Yeah! Word gets around.

190
00:09:02,442 --> 00:09:03,878
You'll never get a crew!

191
00:09:03,910 --> 00:09:07,948
Because no bad guy
will ever work for a woman.

192
00:09:07,981 --> 00:09:09,984
-My two cents.
-Then here's mine.

193
00:09:10,018 --> 00:09:13,086
See a urologist,
'cause creepy dick
wasn't just an insult,

194
00:09:13,120 --> 00:09:14,421
it was a concern.

195
00:09:14,455 --> 00:09:16,490
And if no bad guy
will work with me,

196
00:09:16,524 --> 00:09:19,826
then maybe I don't need
a "bad guy."

197
00:09:19,860 --> 00:09:21,662
Harley, I told you this,
I work alone.

198
00:09:21,696 --> 00:09:23,331
Alone-ish.

199
00:09:23,365 --> 00:09:25,732
-Don't even get me started
right now.
-Come on, Ive.

200
00:09:25,765 --> 00:09:28,269
With your ability to control
all plant life on Earth,

201
00:09:28,302 --> 00:09:31,839
and my gymnastics,
I mean, there's nothing
we can't do if we team up.

202
00:09:31,873 --> 00:09:34,408
I said no. I mean,
I got a brand. You know?

203
00:09:34,442 --> 00:09:38,111
It's like, adding gymnastics
to it, it's a very
muddled message.

204
00:09:38,145 --> 00:09:41,548
Tell her the real reason,
you lying motherfucker.

205
00:09:41,581 --> 00:09:44,318
[sighs] Oh, God, here we go.

206
00:09:44,318 --> 00:09:48,423
All right, so look,
there's a glass ceiling for
female supervillains, okay?

207
00:09:48,456 --> 00:09:52,159
Like, sure, we're tolerated,
but as long as we don't
get too powerful.

208
00:09:52,192 --> 00:09:55,163
-Aren't you being
a little dramatic?
-Guess whose naive ass

209
00:09:55,196 --> 00:09:57,817
who hasn't heard of
the Queen of Fables.

210
00:09:57,817 --> 00:10:01,034
Go on, Ivy, tell your story.
I'll set the mood.

211
00:10:01,068 --> 00:10:03,203
All right, all right.
Thanks, Frank.

212
00:10:03,238 --> 00:10:07,174
So, a long time ago,
way back in the '80s.
There was this

213
00:10:07,207 --> 00:10:12,207
powerful sorceress, right?
She's known as
the Queen of Fables.

214
00:10:13,347 --> 00:10:16,418
Fed up of being a footnote
to the male supervillains,

215
00:10:16,451 --> 00:10:21,288
she decided to turn Gotham
into an evil force
by using sorcery

216
00:10:21,322 --> 00:10:25,860
to pull characters
from the pages of storybooks.

217
00:10:25,893 --> 00:10:30,230
Until she had a whole army
at her command.

218
00:10:30,264 --> 00:10:35,264
-Well, what happened to her?
-Ask her yourself.

219
00:10:35,937 --> 00:10:37,572
[woman speaking indistinctly]

220
00:10:37,605 --> 00:10:41,676
FYI, bailin' out
your klepto aunt
with the snow globe fetish

221
00:10:41,708 --> 00:10:43,577
does not count. Next.

222
00:10:43,611 --> 00:10:47,615
-Uh, hey, I'm looking for
the Queen of Fables?
-Just found her, sweetie.

223
00:10:47,648 --> 00:10:49,750
No. Why you lookin'
up there for? Here.

224
00:10:49,783 --> 00:10:52,386
The book. Me.
I'm stuck in this bullshit.

225
00:10:52,419 --> 00:10:54,855
I've got 20 minutes
till my next appointment.
What's up?

226
00:10:54,889 --> 00:10:58,125
Hey, my name's Harley Quinn.
I'm a new supervillain,

227
00:10:58,158 --> 00:11:00,160
and I was told
I should ask
what happened to you.

228
00:11:00,195 --> 00:11:04,732
[sighs and coughs]
All right, buckle up,
honey, it's story time.

229
00:11:04,765 --> 00:11:09,136
So there I was with my crew,
a bunch of dumb
storybook things,

230
00:11:09,169 --> 00:11:14,169
when the heroes showed up.
Ugh! It was a horror.

231
00:11:20,248 --> 00:11:22,783
No, no, no. There's no way
Superman did that.

232
00:11:22,817 --> 00:11:24,919
I exaggerate to add flavor.

233
00:11:24,952 --> 00:11:31,548
But the truth is,
they punished me in a way
no one has ever been punished.

234
00:11:31,548 --> 00:11:35,196
No!

235
00:11:35,230 --> 00:11:39,767
[sighs] Instead of
throwing me into Arkham
like any male villain,

236
00:11:39,799 --> 00:11:42,169
they came up
with this bullshit.

237
00:11:42,202 --> 00:11:46,014
I mean, a guy robs a bank,
he's a criminal mastermind.

238
00:11:46,014 --> 00:11:48,307
-A woman robs a bank--
-She's a crazy bitch.

239
00:11:48,341 --> 00:11:50,211
Exactly! Think about it.

240
00:11:50,245 --> 00:11:53,379
A male supervillain
can literally look like
a deformed penguin,

241
00:11:53,380 --> 00:11:57,085
but God forbid we outshine them
even a little bit,

242
00:11:57,118 --> 00:12:00,922
and into the fucking
tax book we go, forever.

243
00:12:00,955 --> 00:12:03,091
Yeah, you can get
as big as you want,

244
00:12:03,124 --> 00:12:06,626
-as long as you don't get
bigger than them.
-Yeah. You get it.

245
00:12:06,659 --> 00:12:09,029
And your ambition
won't just hurt you,

246
00:12:09,029 --> 00:12:11,198
it'll hurt the people
you care most about.

247
00:12:11,231 --> 00:12:14,668
-Birthday cake for the boss
at 4:00.
-Thanks, Mark.

248
00:12:14,701 --> 00:12:16,571
God, I hate this place.

249
00:12:16,605 --> 00:12:20,307
But at least I'm not
on the streets turning tricks
for cash anymore.

250
00:12:20,307 --> 00:12:23,211
[grumbles]
Who knows. Maybe your story
will turn out different.

251
00:12:23,211 --> 00:12:25,913
I couldn't get a crew
'cause no one believed in me.

252
00:12:25,947 --> 00:12:29,984
So I had to make my own
by believing in stupid little
things like Mark.

253
00:12:30,017 --> 00:12:32,253
-No offense, Mark.
-[Mark sighs]

254
00:12:32,287 --> 00:12:35,657
-Queen of Fables,
pretty fun, right?
-Oh, she was pretty bleak.

255
00:12:35,690 --> 00:12:38,424
Before I left she was like,
"I have to use the bathroom.

256
00:12:38,458 --> 00:12:40,061
There, I did it."

257
00:12:40,094 --> 00:12:41,928
Did you send me to her
because you think
I can't do this?

258
00:12:41,962 --> 00:12:45,173
No, Harley, I sent you there
because I know that you can.

259
00:12:45,173 --> 00:12:49,035
Look... [sighs]
I just wanted you to know
what you're up against,

260
00:12:49,070 --> 00:12:52,340
you know,
'cause I, uh... I love ya.

261
00:12:52,373 --> 00:12:55,308
-Don't make a thing of it.
-[Frank crying]

262
00:12:55,341 --> 00:12:56,844
[wails]

263
00:12:56,876 --> 00:12:59,613
Anybody feel this shit but me?

264
00:12:59,647 --> 00:13:02,649
A man can't show emotion!

265
00:13:02,682 --> 00:13:04,183
A man?

266
00:13:04,216 --> 00:13:05,216
Fuck you, Ivy.

267
00:13:05,216 --> 00:13:08,657
Look, I appreciate your warning
but what Queen of Fables
made me realize,

268
00:13:08,657 --> 00:13:12,058
is if I want a crew,
I shouldn't be looking for
scumbags who believe in me,

269
00:13:12,092 --> 00:13:16,196
I should be looking for
scumbags no one else
believes in.

270
00:13:16,229 --> 00:13:17,865
Right, okay.

271
00:13:17,899 --> 00:13:20,934
So, so, so,
that was the take away
from the chain-smoking book,

272
00:13:20,967 --> 00:13:22,836
-and the trick turning cookie?
-Yeah!

273
00:13:22,870 --> 00:13:24,437
And I know just where to start.

274
00:13:24,471 --> 00:13:26,408
[audience applauds]

275
00:13:26,441 --> 00:13:29,878
Welcome back.
We have here Dr. Psycho.

276
00:13:29,912 --> 00:13:34,881
-[audience boos]
-He says he's here to apologize
for using the C word.

277
00:13:34,916 --> 00:13:37,551
-[woman] Woman hater!
-What? [laughing]

278
00:13:37,585 --> 00:13:39,687
Hate women? I cherish them.

279
00:13:39,687 --> 00:13:44,687
No one on God's green Earth
respects women like this one.

280
00:13:44,725 --> 00:13:46,962
I know. I know. Giganta,

281
00:13:46,995 --> 00:13:49,931
girl, how you feelin'
about all this?

282
00:13:49,964 --> 00:13:51,600
She is devastated,

283
00:13:51,600 --> 00:13:55,102
that the world is attacking
a man she knows is so kind,

284
00:13:55,135 --> 00:13:58,004
-is so loving--
-Let's hear it
in her own words.

285
00:13:58,038 --> 00:13:59,706
Those are her own words.

286
00:13:59,740 --> 00:14:02,043
I'm a telepath, right?

287
00:14:02,076 --> 00:14:04,845
She thinks it, I say it.
Isn't that right, honey?

288
00:14:04,845 --> 00:14:05,947
-[audience boo]
-She said "Right."

289
00:14:05,947 --> 00:14:07,782
She did not say "Right"!

290
00:14:07,815 --> 00:14:09,817
Did y'all hear her say "Right"?

291
00:14:09,850 --> 00:14:14,456
-She was talking to me!
-Mmm-hmm.

292
00:14:14,489 --> 00:14:20,159
An individual person
who exists outside of you!

293
00:14:20,160 --> 00:14:23,398
-Go, girl.
-A person who, for years
you mind controlled...

294
00:14:23,431 --> 00:14:25,399
-Don't do this.
-...into thinking
they loved you!

295
00:14:25,432 --> 00:14:29,604
-Do not do this!
-A person who is leaving you!

296
00:14:29,638 --> 00:14:34,638
-Why, you get back here,
you miserable... [bleep]
-[all gasp]

297
00:14:35,542 --> 00:14:36,591
[gasps]

298
00:14:41,447 --> 00:14:43,317
Holy shit!

299
00:14:43,350 --> 00:14:46,721
He just became the least
employable person on Earth.

300
00:14:46,721 --> 00:14:49,091
Exactly.

301
00:14:49,456 --> 00:14:53,059
So, you know, I thought,
hey, maybe you should
join me and my crew.

302
00:14:53,094 --> 00:14:54,928
[chuckles] Join you?

303
00:14:54,961 --> 00:14:57,210
I'm in the big leagues, mama.

304
00:14:57,210 --> 00:14:58,768
The L.O.D.

305
00:14:58,768 --> 00:15:00,768
The Legion of Doom.

306
00:15:00,801 --> 00:15:02,302
Hard pass!

307
00:15:02,336 --> 00:15:05,139
We cannot condone
Dr. Psycho's use of the C Word,

308
00:15:05,173 --> 00:15:07,575
as it does not represent
our brand of evil.

309
00:15:07,609 --> 00:15:10,711
We hereby banish him
from the Legion of Doom,

310
00:15:10,745 --> 00:15:14,014
Legion of Doom Europe,
and The Junior Doomers
of America.

311
00:15:14,048 --> 00:15:15,749
Did I say hard pass?

312
00:15:15,783 --> 00:15:17,518
I meant soft accept.

313
00:15:17,551 --> 00:15:18,885
I wanna join your crew.

314
00:15:18,918 --> 00:15:20,722
Not because I think
working for a female

315
00:15:20,722 --> 00:15:24,557
will help rehabilitate
my ruined image,
blah, blah, blah...

316
00:15:24,557 --> 00:15:26,059
It's for other reasons.

317
00:15:26,092 --> 00:15:27,861
I don't hate women!

318
00:15:27,894 --> 00:15:29,496
Kinda seems like you do.

319
00:15:29,496 --> 00:15:32,432
Whoo-hoo, the salty language
that comes outta your mouth.

320
00:15:32,466 --> 00:15:35,200
I'm just glad my Mama Jean
ain't allowed to hear it.

321
00:15:35,200 --> 00:15:38,673
Even hot southern bartender
character thinks you're
a piece of shit.

322
00:15:38,706 --> 00:15:42,278
But I believe in you,
and I think you have
a part to play.

323
00:15:42,278 --> 00:15:43,577
Did you say a "part"?

324
00:15:43,610 --> 00:15:48,014
Then you must also require
the services of...

325
00:15:48,048 --> 00:15:49,549
-Oh!
-Fuck, not again.

326
00:15:49,549 --> 00:15:51,851
-...an actor!
-You're damn right I do.

327
00:15:51,885 --> 00:15:53,354
You, me, and Psycho.

328
00:15:53,354 --> 00:15:56,856
This is gonna be the start
of something huge.

329
00:15:56,890 --> 00:15:58,859
So, what's our first
evil scheme?

330
00:15:58,859 --> 00:16:00,793
Is it a nuke in a volcano?

331
00:16:00,827 --> 00:16:04,399
Evil scheme?
Oh, a honey pot heist

332
00:16:04,399 --> 00:16:08,436
where I seduce Gotham's mayor
with my saucy Sheila character?

333
00:16:08,469 --> 00:16:12,131
How do you feel about
petty, personal vendettas?

334
00:16:14,408 --> 00:16:17,043
No, I'd say more unsettling
than creepy.

335
00:16:17,077 --> 00:16:19,748
No, disturbing.
That's it. Found it.

336
00:16:19,780 --> 00:16:21,981
All right, we're gonna steal
this asshole's gold medals

337
00:16:21,981 --> 00:16:23,518
and anything else
we can get out hands on.

338
00:16:23,518 --> 00:16:26,287
-Like the saying goes...
-"Hell hath no fury

339
00:16:26,320 --> 00:16:28,154
like a woman scorned."

340
00:16:28,188 --> 00:16:30,258
Oh, I was gonna say,
"The prick has it coming."

341
00:16:30,291 --> 00:16:32,691
But yeah, I like
your fancy way better.

342
00:16:38,033 --> 00:16:40,835
All right, here's the plan.
Me and Psycho will go in
through the back,

343
00:16:40,868 --> 00:16:42,375
find his loot,
and clean him out.

344
00:16:42,375 --> 00:16:44,873
Clayface, you go knock
on the front door,
pretend to be the mailman

345
00:16:44,905 --> 00:16:48,342
-to distract him.
-What do we know about
this mailman?

346
00:16:48,375 --> 00:16:51,946
What are his dreams?
His fears, his raison d'etre?

347
00:16:51,946 --> 00:16:53,371
Who gives a shit?
You're just a mailman.

348
00:16:53,371 --> 00:16:55,481
Brilliant!
That's what the world sees.

349
00:16:55,515 --> 00:16:56,684
Just a mailman.

350
00:16:56,717 --> 00:16:59,287
But we... [chuckles]
We know better, don't we?

351
00:16:59,320 --> 00:17:01,654
He was a horribly neglected
little boy,

352
00:17:01,688 --> 00:17:03,323
and he grew up in a cage!

353
00:17:03,357 --> 00:17:05,794
The only time he heard
rumblings from
the outside world

354
00:17:05,826 --> 00:17:10,663
was when the mailman came,
which is why he spent
his whole life dreaming

355
00:17:10,663 --> 00:17:11,996
of being one.

356
00:17:11,996 --> 00:17:15,269
Yeah, no. None of that.
You're just a mailman.
Deliver the mail.

357
00:17:15,303 --> 00:17:18,472
-Oh! She demands perfection,
doesn't she?
-[groans]

358
00:17:18,506 --> 00:17:20,607
-And she'll get it.
-Mmm-hmm.

359
00:17:20,607 --> 00:17:24,010
My mind is awhirl with
a delicious new character

360
00:17:24,045 --> 00:17:27,194
-who you'll soon meet.
-No, I can't even.

361
00:17:29,115 --> 00:17:32,952
Who dares disturb a living god,

362
00:17:32,987 --> 00:17:34,288
after 9:00 p.m.?

363
00:17:34,321 --> 00:17:36,289
Here's your mail... Dad.

364
00:17:36,324 --> 00:17:37,958
-Dad?
-Years ago

365
00:17:37,991 --> 00:17:40,228
you met my ma
in a piano bar,

366
00:17:40,260 --> 00:17:41,895
and knew you must have her.

367
00:17:41,929 --> 00:17:44,432
Damn what your parents thought.

368
00:17:44,464 --> 00:17:46,667
She might have been
from the wrong side
of the tracks,

369
00:17:46,701 --> 00:17:49,470
but she was on the right side
of your heart.

370
00:17:49,503 --> 00:17:51,204
-The fuck is he doing?
-I'm done.

371
00:17:51,239 --> 00:17:53,173
It's really you?

372
00:17:53,207 --> 00:17:55,808
I... I thought
I'd lost you forever

373
00:17:55,843 --> 00:17:57,644
after Piano Bar Janet said she

374
00:17:57,679 --> 00:18:00,480
-"took care of it."
-Oh, she tried.

375
00:18:00,515 --> 00:18:03,116
-But it didn't take.
-Of course it didn't.

376
00:18:03,150 --> 00:18:06,299
For you are half god!

377
00:18:08,455 --> 00:18:12,594
So, who do you need me
to mind control
to open the door?

378
00:18:12,626 --> 00:18:15,229
No, no, no one.
Just squeeze in
the crawl space,

379
00:18:15,229 --> 00:18:16,931
get into the house,
and open it from the inside.

380
00:18:16,931 --> 00:18:18,432
Are you shittin' me?

381
00:18:18,465 --> 00:18:21,501
I'm a genius telepath,
why you wasting me on this?

382
00:18:21,501 --> 00:18:23,170
You're the only thing
small enough to fit.

383
00:18:23,170 --> 00:18:24,570
Got it.

384
00:18:24,605 --> 00:18:28,142
Son of a bitch!

385
00:18:28,174 --> 00:18:29,544
-[thudding]
-Argh!

386
00:18:29,576 --> 00:18:32,646
My eyelashes just touched
a dead raccoon!

387
00:18:32,680 --> 00:18:34,647
Quit your bitchin'
and keep going.

388
00:18:34,681 --> 00:18:36,284
God this is humiliating.

389
00:18:36,317 --> 00:18:39,252
[Maxie Zeus] Son,
we have much
to catch up on.

390
00:18:39,287 --> 00:18:42,723
Yes, Father. Or should
I call you... Dad?

391
00:18:42,757 --> 00:18:46,359
Call me almighty Zeus.
God of the sky and thunder.

392
00:18:46,394 --> 00:18:50,463
Supreme ruler of Olympus,
and all of Earth below.

393
00:18:50,497 --> 00:18:52,098
Okey-doke.

394
00:18:52,133 --> 00:18:54,568
[Dr. Psycho] Wow!
And I'm an egomaniac.

395
00:18:54,602 --> 00:18:56,369
[Harley] Yeah.
This looks about right.

396
00:18:56,403 --> 00:18:58,405
Where the fuck
does he keep
those stupid medals?

397
00:18:58,439 --> 00:19:01,107
Easy. He said he literally
sleeps on a pile of gold.

398
00:19:01,142 --> 00:19:03,243
[grunts]

399
00:19:03,277 --> 00:19:05,480
And then after getting
the Medal of Honor in war

400
00:19:05,512 --> 00:19:08,214
I toured the world
playing ping-pong.

401
00:19:08,249 --> 00:19:11,451
What a remarkable journey
your life has been.

402
00:19:11,451 --> 00:19:14,288
And so oddly similar to that
of Forrest Gump.

403
00:19:14,323 --> 00:19:19,160
It is rather strange
you don't share your mother's
brilliant blue eyes.

404
00:19:19,192 --> 00:19:20,928
My mistake, I guess.

405
00:19:20,961 --> 00:19:22,730
Trick of the light.

406
00:19:22,763 --> 00:19:26,967
Although I don't know how
you avoided her family
proclivity for...

407
00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:28,368
Hunchback?

408
00:19:28,402 --> 00:19:33,051
Ah-ha! The Olympic gold medals.

409
00:19:35,343 --> 00:19:36,978
What the hell?

410
00:19:37,011 --> 00:19:39,913
Son, you are the spitting image
of your mother.

411
00:19:39,948 --> 00:19:43,116
[lisping]
I'm so glad you think so,
Daddy Zeus.

412
00:19:43,150 --> 00:19:46,053
But it's so sad she suffered
from a lisp.

413
00:19:46,053 --> 00:19:49,523
Oh, you lying piece of shit!

414
00:19:49,557 --> 00:19:52,893
Do you really think
I'd fall for this?

415
00:19:52,925 --> 00:19:54,127
Perhaps?

416
00:19:54,161 --> 00:19:55,895
Who do you work for,
monstrosity?

417
00:19:55,929 --> 00:19:57,064
Joker?

418
00:19:57,096 --> 00:19:58,532
Oh, no, you didn't!

419
00:19:58,566 --> 00:20:00,901
Wait, wait, wait,
don't emasculate him.

420
00:20:00,934 --> 00:20:02,502
Riddler?

421
00:20:02,537 --> 00:20:05,605
No, no, no,
he's about to rally.
I can feel it.

422
00:20:05,638 --> 00:20:07,842
The Penguin?

423
00:20:07,875 --> 00:20:12,680
Tell me who you work for,
creature, or the next blow
will be a killing one.

424
00:20:12,713 --> 00:20:15,482
He works for me,
you oily bitch!

425
00:20:15,482 --> 00:20:19,252
Well, if it isn't the girl
I chose not to have sex with.

426
00:20:19,287 --> 00:20:21,654
Regrettably, you're too late
I'm afraid.

427
00:20:21,688 --> 00:20:23,589
[whimpers] No!

428
00:20:23,624 --> 00:20:26,294
[screams]

429
00:20:26,326 --> 00:20:27,761
[lisping] Thanks, Psycho.

430
00:20:27,796 --> 00:20:29,396
All right, dickhead.
Just drop the lisp.

431
00:20:29,430 --> 00:20:33,000
I wish I could,
but I bit my tongue.

432
00:20:33,034 --> 00:20:36,069
You said no woman
could ever get
a crew of bad guys.

433
00:20:36,069 --> 00:20:38,397
Well, I didn't just get
bad guys,

434
00:20:38,397 --> 00:20:41,008
I got two of the fuckin' worst.

435
00:20:41,040 --> 00:20:42,442
You call that a crew?

436
00:20:42,477 --> 00:20:45,846
A midget and a mudslide?
[laughs]

437
00:20:45,880 --> 00:20:48,449
I'll give you once chance
to tell the world

438
00:20:48,482 --> 00:20:50,817
Harley Quinn's crew
ain't nothing to fuck with.

439
00:20:50,851 --> 00:20:53,153
Or what?

440
00:20:53,186 --> 00:20:55,287
[snaps finger]

441
00:21:00,662 --> 00:21:02,128
Fine.

442
00:21:02,163 --> 00:21:06,307
-I'll say it.
-Oh, I know you will.

443
00:21:07,769 --> 00:21:11,570
Motivational speaker,
and self-proclaimed
supervillain,

444
00:21:11,570 --> 00:21:13,641
Maxie Zeus, was found
beaten this morning.

445
00:21:13,674 --> 00:21:16,477
-[Maxie Zeus groans]
-Oh, oh! Follow me, follow me.

446
00:21:16,510 --> 00:21:18,880
Mr. Zeus, how did this happen?

447
00:21:18,913 --> 00:21:20,913
Who did this terrible thing
to you?

448
00:21:20,948 --> 00:21:23,018
All I can say is,

449
00:21:23,050 --> 00:21:26,621
Harley Quinn's crew
ain't nothing to fuck with.

450
00:21:26,653 --> 00:21:29,323
Sounds like Harley Quinn,
former girlfriend of the Joker,

451
00:21:29,356 --> 00:21:31,726
is striking out on her own.

452
00:21:31,759 --> 00:21:34,327
Holy fucking shit, Harls.
You did it.

453
00:21:34,327 --> 00:21:36,198
I would not
have seen that coming.

454
00:21:36,230 --> 00:21:40,201
It's been 30 long years
since a female villain
had a crew.

455
00:21:40,234 --> 00:21:43,003
When the Queen of Fables
tried to smash through
that glass ceiling

456
00:21:43,038 --> 00:21:46,339
but was imprisoned in
the US Tax Code by
The Justice League.

457
00:21:46,339 --> 00:21:48,075
'Cause they're bitches.

458
00:21:48,107 --> 00:21:49,442
But I'll be damned.

459
00:21:49,442 --> 00:21:50,944
Harley's actually going for it.

460
00:21:50,944 --> 00:21:53,346
One thing's for sure,
the Joker's ex

461
00:21:53,381 --> 00:21:56,616
may soon become
his biggest competitor.

462
00:21:56,651 --> 00:22:00,186
-This is...
-[gun firing]

463
00:22:00,221 --> 00:22:02,557
Well, you know,
congratulations.

464
00:22:02,589 --> 00:22:05,526
I mean, I know gold medals
aren't a nuclear warhead,

465
00:22:05,559 --> 00:22:07,027
but you gonna start somewhere.

466
00:22:07,060 --> 00:22:08,261
Oh, no, I got a warhead.

467
00:22:08,261 --> 00:22:09,363
I traded
the gold medals for it.

468
00:22:09,363 --> 00:22:10,932
Get outta town, where is it?

469
00:22:10,932 --> 00:22:12,666
I used it to blackmail the city
just like I said I would.

470
00:22:12,666 --> 00:22:14,737
Hey, y'all, it's me again.
This just in,

471
00:22:14,737 --> 00:22:18,271
we take you live to
a high-speed chase on
the abruptly renamed

472
00:22:18,305 --> 00:22:19,606
Harley Quinn Parkway.

473
00:22:19,640 --> 00:22:21,942
I'll be fuckin' damned.
Totally worth it.

474
00:22:21,974 --> 00:22:23,510
Right?

475
00:22:23,544 --> 00:22:28,544
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