First day of unemployment.
More like funemployment!
[laughs heartily]
[fanfare blows]
[screams] I wanna die!
Best day ever!
Ugh.
Blood Haven Thrill Park. Such memories.
Jesus, Bane!
I almost blew that place up,
but then I rode the Cyclotron
and thought, "I get it. This is fun."
Do ya need somethin'? I'm kinda busy here.
You don't look busy.
You look like you're Insta-stalking your ex-crew.
Not very healthy. Slippery slope.
Gah. Can ya believe they ditched me?
I made one little mistake and they just... they bolt.
After everything I did for them.
Um. You could blow them up?
Nah, not really my thing.
I could blow them up?
Nah. Argh! Looks like both of us
will be spending the weekend alone.
No, I'm going to Black Manta's beach lair.
He's smoking a pork shoulder.
I...take it you didn't get the invite?
Um, maybe check your spam folder?
[door slams shut]
[engine whirring]
[Sy snoring]
[sighs]
I don't think she's going to respond.
Hey, sane me.
Also, the LOL felt a little sweaty.
Yeah, I went back and forth on that.
Where are all your friends?
Just kidding. I know. They left you.
What? You just came outta the phone to shit on me?
I'm here to help you.
Look, you messed up a bunch of important relationships,
but there's still someone
who is always going to love you unconditionally.
Someone who always manages to comfort you.
She's not even responding to my texts.
Ivy's definitely not gonna wanna see me.
I wasn't talking about Ivy.
[gasps]
[bell dinging]
Hi, Mom.
[opening theme music playing]
♪ Togetherness... ♪
♪ Is one thing that drives you through life and love ♪
♪ Will always steer you right ♪
♪ All you need is To hear their voices ♪
♪ Of really good family And really good choices ♪
♪ And you want another, Especially your brother! ♪
Hey! You're up, sleepyhead.
-[Gus chuckles] -[Poison Ivy grunting]
[Gus] You've probably got the usual questions.
Where am I?
Exactly.
[mockingly] Where am I? What are you doing to me?
Why are you so handsome?
[laughs]
Y'know, that's just me playin'.
Uh, but actually,
I don't have the answers to any of these questions.
I'm just a low-level goon.
Hey! I got an idea.
Why don't you just let me go?
Honestly, I'd consider it,
but I need this job.
I'm actually a kindergarten teacher.
Just sidegooning to make some extra moolah for art supplies.
You know what, if you let me go
I'll double what you're making.
I mean, I'll get you construction paper.
Like, those crazy smelly markers...
Ah, geez, that's so nice.
But if I did, I'd drop to three stars on Goon Review.
They say that's all you need,
but once you drop below four, you're dead.
Okay, so I will be getting out of here.
So if you're not the one who's gonna let me out,
I will have to kill you first.
Ooh, that really took a turn, didn't it?
Well, honestly, we're harvesting you
in two days, so...
[cell phone ringing]
Oh. Oh, God. I gotta take this.
[whispering] It's a parent from the school.
[cell phone beeps] Hey, Mrs. Kirshen.
Uh, little Kendall
told a rather grown-up joke at share time.
[door slams]
Well, it was
"What did one potato say to the other potato? Idaho."
Oh, gee, hold on, wait.
No, I forgot to say "one of the potatoes is a whore."
[laughs] Oh, God.
[wind blowing]
[vibrato intensifying]
Hey! So, I need your help, okay?
-[meeping] -Go find Frank...
...and tell him to get Harley to come rescue me.
[meeping]
So, yeah, I get into Legion of Doom
and next thing I know she doesn't wanna be friends anymore!
Well, I'd be in your crew any day, sweetie.
Ya know, sometimes
I use the express line when I have more than 12 items.
Aw, yeah, that's truly evil of ya, Ma.
Listen, you know, I know I ain't called ya in a few months--
Thirty-six months.
Right. Yes. You know,
it's just... I got swept up in my relationship with Joker,
and then my breakup with Joker.
Yeah, I saw that on Howie, may he rest in peace.
Anyway, I'm sorry. I shoulda stayed in touch.
[groans] I missed ya, Ma.
Well, if ya were around more ya wouldn't miss me so much.
Maybe ya could move back, be a psychologist again?
Maybe make that "life of crime" thing more of a weekend deal?
Ma! Ma, the Legion of Doom isn't a weekend kinda thing.
Okay. Well, it's an option.
The one your only Mom likes the most.
I'm just glad you're home.
You...you kept this trophy?
I know ya wanted us to throw it away,
but I just couldn't do it.
Still so proud of ya. Even after what happened.
[announcer] Next on the floor exercise,
Harleen Quinzel.
Okay, this is it, Dad. If I nail this routine,
I'll be the national champ.
Probably go to the Olympics,
get lots'a endorsements,
maybe be the first woman president.
Great, great. So, um...
I'm gonna need ya to take a dive.
-What? -I owe a bunch of money to my bookie.
I bet against ya.
You're the heavy favorite.
So, if ya lose I keep all nine of my fingers.
But this is my dream.
You'll have other dreams. Come on, do it for me.
[upbeat music playing]
-[crowd cheering] -[announcer] Stunning performance by Quinzel.
I mean, she's got this in the bag.
[crowd cheering]
You're killin' me, Harleen.
Ooh! A costly mistake.
Oh. Thank you, sweetie. Thank you.
You saved my life.
Also, let's be honest,
there ain't never gonna be a lady president anyway.
[Harley grunting]
I hate you.
[yells] I wanna kill you!
That was my worst day.
Ugh, I'm glad that sonuvabitch is rottin' in jail.
[Nick] Hey, sweetie.
He got out and we kinda got back together.
Why? He broke every promise he ever made!
And he apologized for that
and made a whole bunch of new ones!
Plus, he made me this beautiful bracelet in jail.
It's water resistant, up to 50 meters.
[Frank the Plant] People shit on the WNBA,
but I'm a purist.
Get those dunks the fuck outta my face.
Give me a nice crisp bounce pass.
That's my shit.
I'm more about the fundamentals!
[meeping]
Do not interrupt me.
You're a dandelion weed. I'm a grown ass plant.
[meeping]
-What? Ivy's in a well... -[meep]
-...guarded prison? -[meep]
-Ivy's been captured-- -[meep]
-at PlanetWide Pavers-- -[meep]
-and needs me to find Harley-- -[meep]
-in Bensonhurst-- -[meep]
to rescue her?
Am I super baked
or are two plants talking to each other right now?
Chaz, you gotta drive me to Brooklyn.
[coughing]
Honey, a birdie just told me the dentist down the street
just got divorced.
Tallest Jew I've ever seen. I could introduce ya.
No, Ma. Can ya pass me the peas?
They're right next to that piece of shit.
Oh, Harleen, come on! Talk to me.
Hasn't been a day gone by I haven't regretted what I did.
Oh. How about a week after the championship
when ya bought a Trans Am with the extra money?
Okay, I didn't regret that.
But on the whole, though, a lotta regret.
I'm reformed now.
Huh? Haven't placed a single bet since.
Oh, then why were ya sent to jail?
Eh, the usual.
Almost beat an Irish to death. Nothing to do with gamblin'.
The Irish are a menace. They're like rats, honey.
He's the rat.
You ain't changed one bit.
I never woulda come back home if I'd known ya were here.
I just wanna be with people who love me.
Like Ma, Grandma, Barry--
Aw, Harleen, I am so sorry for what I did.
I'm hopin' you'll forgive me
'cause I'll never be able to forgive myself.
What do ya say, sweetheart?
Beautiful.
Fuck you.
Least the lines of communication are opening.
That's a start.
Let's just have a nice dinner, huh?
Grandma's really happy to see you.
It's true.
I don't know how many of these dinners I've got left.
What do ya mean, Grandma?
Well, I went to the doctor last week.
I got the brain cancer.
-Aah! -Whoa!
Jesus! That's an aggressive form of brain cancer.
[yells] Someone's tryin' to kill us, ya idiot.
[gunshots]
[door creaking]
[door slams]
[both grunting]
All right, who ya workin' for?
[groans]
[coughing]
[gunshot]
Dad! The fuck are ya doin'?
He killed Grandma.
I mean, she was gonna die shortly anyway,
but that was God's trigger to pull.
Well, they say, "he works in mysterious ways".
God doesn't send assassins, Ma.
I was about to find out who sent this bastard here to kill me.
Oh, he wasn't here to kill you.
He's here to kill me.
This is your fault. You've been gamblin' again.
No! I told ya.
Look, it's been hard times. We were scrapin' by.
I tried to get into real estate,
but do ya know how much a pant suit costs?
Three figures!
Oh, Sharon, please.
Look, I took out a loan
from the only mooks that'd give me one.
The M-O-B. That spells--
I know what it spells, Ma.
Look, if you were in trouble, why didn't ya call me?
I didn't wanna waste your minutes.
None of this is your problem, Harleen.
I'll talk to the mob, try to reason with them.
They're famous for bein' reasonable.
They'll kill ya, Nicky!
Then at least the last memory you'll have of me
is finally doin' the right thing.
All right, stop!
[groans] I'm comin'.
You're gonna stick up for your old man?
Hell, no.
I just know when ya fuck this up,
they'll kill Ma next.
[mobster 1] Aye!
[mobster 2 chuckles] Ooh!
Gabbagool!
All great suggestions for things we need'a stop sayin'.
Otherwise we're just feedin' a harmful stereotype.
What are you doing? Slap ya in the face.
What are you doing? Get that out of your face. What is this?
Hey, guys.
I realize I owe you a buncha money,
[chuckles nervously] but I'm wonderin'--
-[grunts] -[groans]
Which one of ya meatballs killed my grandma?
Whoa! Holy shit!
You're Harley Quinn.
That's right.
So either forgive my dad's debt or I kill all of ya.
That ain't how our business works.
Yeah. It's based on loans
and the interest attached to those loans.
We're servicing a sector of the community
traditionally ignored by the financial sector.
Yeah! Bensonhurst is our turf and I'm not--
-[grunts] -...gonna ever be able to chew veal parm again?
You fuggin' bitch.
Hey! Whoa, whoa.
We can be respectful while killing her.
Get her boys!
Harleen! Front-sault!
[grunts]
Arabian Double Front!
[effort grunt]
[moans]
Backwards salto!
I said backwards!
[grunts]
[chuckles] Stuck the landing, kiddo.
Oh, I never shoulda
made you lose that championship, Harleen.
Seeing ya do that routine perfectly
is better than any dumb 'ol finger.
I don't know about perfect.
I mean stumbled a little on the landing.
[door opens]
Get down!
[grunting]
[groans]
Ugh. In case you're wonderin',
[gasps] I'm givin' ya a double thumbs up, champ.
Oh...
Pollinate me harder...
[moans]
That's all you got? [moans]
Oh... Wh...
Where the hell are we? Chaz!
-Car, car, car! Start the car! -[engine revving]
-They're coming, let's move it! -[gunshots]
Get down! [screams]
What the fuck is goin' on?
I thought you were just a weed dealer.
Weed's legal everywhere, man.
I'm diversifying into hallucinogenic honey.
Time to GTFO 'ah May-hico.
Mexico? We're supposed to be in Brooklyn.
Which is basically next to Mexico.
Stop lickin' that goddamn honey and drive this car.
One lick ya see God.
Two licks and ya pass out with a giant hard... [snoring]
Goddammit, Chaz!
Okay, Frank, you've got this.
-I'm coming, Harley. -[brakes screech]
Wow. Harley has been texting nonstop.
This last one says she feels "ducking awful."
[whispering] I think she meant the F word.
"I'm super sorry. I made a mistake.
"I never wanted to hurt you. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
"Don't buy those boots."
[sighs] Well, she's right about that.
I don't think you can pull off a kitten heel.
You know what? I bought them, but I returned them. Okay?
I agree with you. I'm, like, not a kitten heel person.
Can I just... Can I have my phone,
so I can... I can text her goodbye?
Feels like you're gonna ask her to come save you.
Gus, are you serious?
You really think I would do something like that to you?
We have built a rapport.
Mmm, yeah. I've seen a lot of toxic friendships
and the best thing to do is just cut them loose.
Let me rip that band-aid off for you.
No, no. Don't, don't, don't, don't.
Oh. Okay.
And now I'll text her back.
Oh, shit.
Oh! Ya shoulda seen my daughter.
Doin' cartwheels, stabbin' guys in the throat.
Ah. Oh, I was so proud.
Dad, ya...ya saved my life.
Which is very un-piece of shit like.
I'm tellin' ya, your father's changed.
He gave his good thumb for you.
Worth it for my daughter. [chuckles]
[grimacing]
Ugh, thumbs are overrated.
I love you.
It's been so nice havin' ya here, honey.
Sad to see ya go tomorrow.
[cell vibrating]
I don't know. [exhales]
There's nobody really waitin' for me in Gotham.
I came here hopin' to spend some time with Ma,
but actually kind of glad we could all be here together.
[knocking at door]
There she is.
-Grandpa? -Well,
I heard you were in town and Grandma's dead.
Two reasons to celebrate.
Also, got a checkup at the doc yesterday.
Says my blood pressure's through the roof.
[inhales] Not sure how much longer I got.
So let's drink.
[grunts]
That blood pressure's no joke!
[crashes]
[grunting]
[Harleen] Ha!
[both grunting]
Oh, my God!
Jesus! The mob's never gonna stop.
But as long as I'm here, I'm gonna keep my family safe.
-[gunshot] -[groans]
[moaning]
Dad?
[groaning]
Harleen, honey. I'm sorry.
There was a million dollar bounty on ya.
I didn't wanna have to kill ya myself,
so I tipped off an assassin to collect a finder's fee.
Big whoop!
But ya couldn't do it!
Could you, you fucking piece of shit?
You...
Shit person!
You were lying to me the whole time!
No, no, no, no, no. I was not lying.
I did owe the mob a lotta money.
I just figured while I was waitin' on the assassin to kill you,
I could get ya to take out the mob for me.
What are ya doin?
All I wanted was what every Jewish mother wants,
for you to marry a doctor.
But I am a doctor!
And now look at ya.
I tried so hard to get ya to change your life
in the most passive aggressive way possible
and this is the thanks I get?
Yellin' and fightin'?
But I'm your daughter.
I know.
That's why people spit at us at the grocery store.
When you became "Harley Quinn,"
we became the laughingstock of the neighborhood.
Oh, oh, I'm the reason you're the laughingstock?
What about Dad bein' a fuckin' deadbeat?
It's Bensonhurst!
You beat an Irish and people forget a lotta things.
[exclaiming in pain]
-[Harley grunts] -[groans]
[grunting] Piece of shit, I'll fuckin' kill you.
Ha!
[grunting]
[Nick] Ahhh!
I do not know why you're so upset.
I figured you'd understand.
After all, you're a criminal, like me.
I'm nothin' like you.
Ahhh!
Oh, sure ya are! Of course ya are!
Ya turned on your crew just like I turned on you.
Classic case a' samesies.
-[grunting] -[groans]
Ahhh!
No samesies!
I didn't turn on my crew. They left me!
Yeah, 'cause you were suckin' face
with that goyische clown.
You've always had bad taste in men.
Gee, I wonder where I learned that from?
[screams]
Oh, my gift wrapping station!
[both grunting]
Harleen, please don't kill your father.
Yeah, we're family.
Family doesn't kill each other.
-[grunts] -[groans]
You people are not my family.
And ya know what?
[grunts]
You're not even worth it.
[moaning]
Harley? What happened to you?
[groans] Uh...
[gasps softly]
Well, look who's up.
Harleen?
Wha...
How much of this am I hallucinating?
Just me.
Weirdly the passed out guy
with the boner and the plant driving the car are both real.
Why did ya tell me to go back to Bensonhurst?
In my defense,
how could I have possibly known your parents
would try to kill you for a million dollar bounty?
Who wanted you dead, by the way?
No idea. Feels like it could be anyone.
Now I got no one left. And even Ivy hates me.
What the fuck you babblin' about?
Ivy doesn't hate you.
I'm only here because Ivy says she needs you.
She's been captured. It's life or death.
What?
Step on it
[brakes screech]
That's when I told my mother I don't want to be a lawyer.
My passion is early childhood education.
And let me tell you, she did not...
Oop. Doctor's here.
Sorry, I guess it's time for harvesting.
Who the fuck are you? Show me your face.
Uh... Gonna have to settle for a bag.
[straining]
[exhales]
Joshua!
Whatup, Bane?
I just saw the statement from the Legion corporate card
that your Uncle Penguin gave you.
Did you put a down payment
on a bounty to kill Harley Quinn?
What? Pfft. No.
You are a lying liar!
[yells] Okay, yes! She ruined my bar mitzvah.
I want her dead. Dead. Dead. Dead!
The credit card is for emergencies only,
but your bill is all candies, and vape pens,
and something suspiciously labeled "dolphin encounter."
When you put out a hit, you pay in cash.
Okay, fine, I'll cancel it.
Already done
because I am this credit card's reckoning.
I am cutting this card and I am cutting it in half--
No. Please. I hate when you do this, Bane.
-These blades are dull. -Bane!
-I will bend it. -Don't do that.
Too late!
Do you think I want to be credit card paying man?
I have dreams, too!
Sorry, Bane. No, you're right.
You're right. I shouldn't have tried to kill Harley.
Aw, I guess I was just being...impulsive.
Because you are young.
The road to maturity is a long one, Joshua.
Ahhh! Goddammit! Who put that there?
[Bane yells] Blow up on the ground
you stupid office chair!
[theme music playing]