The president.
The vice president.
The Speaker of the House.
Mrs. Hassan.
Mrs. Hassan!
Yes.
So what do you think?
Well, this is all looking great, Mrs. Hassan.
I see you already had your biometrics appointment,
and you passed your interview.
You just have the citizenship test left.
Yeah, I've been studying with this Apple, my phone.
You know, my brother says the government listens
to our phones.
I hope they are listening
to how right I am about everything.
Well, I'm sure you got it down.
I just want to make sure you're ready.
If you fail, it's gonna take a bit
to get you back in the system.
I'm ready, yeah.
You know, I was here for many years
with my green card,
and I thought, why take the test?
My husband and my kids, they have the citizenship,
but with that
you know who I mean.
In the White House.
That piece of shit!
Pardon my English.
You see, I have to become a citizen so that I can vote.
We have to protect the Supreme Court.
Ruth will die.
Sorry? Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
You know, she's very old.
I pray for her and all the good ones
in the Supreme Court to stay alive.
The other ones, I don't say anything bad,
but I don't pray for them.
Well, that's beautiful, Mrs. Hassan.
I think your case should be a real softball.
Softball? Yeah, softball.
It's an American figure of speech.
I just mean to say it should be easy.
Softball. Yes, of course.
Yeah. Softball. Now I understand.
Yeah. It's a new word.
Just remember to keep your record clean.
Don't go getting into any trouble.
And as long as nothing pops up on a police file
or anything like that,
you'll be swearing allegiance to the U. S. Of A.
Inshallah.
Excuse me.
I think you two should work on your English.
The more you practice, the better it is.
It will make your citizenship application a real softball.
I'm from Virginia.
We're here 'cause this pendejo got a DUI.
Oh.
Take the Lyft, then,
next time you drink the alcohol.
Good luck.
Thank you.
Oh, no.
No, no, no. No, no.
What the fuck? No.
Okay, ma'am.
I'm looking at your file right here.
It seems that at least one passenger
filed a concerning report,
and a security representative here at Lyft
felt the need to put a freeze on your account.
What do you mean, "at least one"?
Ma'am, how many? Who are they?
What is the problem? What did they say?
I can't share that information
until we get in touch with them first.
Okay, ma'am, please listen to me.
Please don't call the police.
I am in the middle of a very important process
with the government.
Please, ma'am, do you understand?
Once we hear from the other passenger,
we'll circle back to you
to get your side of the story.
What's "circle back"?
We'll get back to you
once we've completed our investigation.
It sometimes takes a while for us
to hear back from passengers.
Have a nice day! Ma'am. Ma'am!
I am under investigation.
"Executive branch."
Ma'am, we're here today
to rule on your citizenship.
We have a few questions for you.
Of course, ma'am.
You had an incident at work
that was reported to us by your employer.
Yes, they won't tell me what it is,
and I don't understand why.
I was counting on you, Maysa.
I'm sorry, Ruth. I'm really sorry.
I'm doing everything I can!
This was our chance, Maysa.
I'll fix it.
I promise, I'll fix it.
You see, Dena, my daughter, is going to be a lawyer.
She was supposed to be married by now,
but maybe Allah sent her on this path to defend me.
It's too late.
No. No, Ruth.
No, please. No!
Why do you keep staring at that book?
You don't want to help your mother?
Mom, I have an essay due in a couple days.
Look, it's not my fault you got suspended.
Just call them and get an update.
I did call them again, Dena. Okay?
And do you know what they said?
They said they couldn't do anything.
I told them I was an excellent driver with 4.59 star rating,
and you know what they said?
They said it's not enough.
I told them it was great,
because the Jersey people are just very bad graders.
Everywhere else in the world,
they just throw five stars at you like candy.
Mom, calm down.
I'm sure once they look into your account,
they're gonna reactivate it,
and you're gonna be driving soon.
Dena, next week I have my citizenship interview.
Do you understand?
This is very serious.
If they find out that I am delinquent,
everything will be ruined.
Okay, Mom, I don't think
the government cares about a 4.5 rating.
And how do you know? You're not even a lawyer.
Right? You're only a student.
I tell you, all the global systems are connected.
Right?
I keep telling you to watch that YouTube movie.
What's it called? "The Loose..." "The Loose..."
"Loose Change." "The Loose Change." Yeah.
Anyway, I have to find out who that passenger was
and try to find them and apologize.
Okay, look, you just got the notice, right?
I‐I'm sure the ride was in the last few days,
so just tell me about some of your passengers.
Okay. Let me think.
Yesterday...
Yesterday, I woke up at 6:00. Then I stretched.
It's called the‐‐ the frog stretch.
Alexa, how many amendments are there
in the Constitution?
27?
The Constitution has 27 amendments.
Yes!
Then, I saw what you were wearing.
I said you looked like a mime.
I also told Ramy to take his hat off.
He looked like a gang member...
Mom, stop.
Just tell me about the passengers.
I pick up this businesswoman in a bad suit.
Real ugly hair.
Then I picked up a group of girls.
They were singing loudly the song by that woman Lizard.
That one who's happy because she's so fat.
Then I picked up this girl.
She was Japanese,
but I don't think she's the one that complained.
We had really great fun together.
I love those people. They are so clean.
They take a ride, and then the car is tidier than before.
Like Marie Kondo.
You know her? Yes.
So I told this girl
that I am studying for my immigration test next week.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
I remember when my dad went through that process.
It's not easy. It's not really, no.
Actually
do you mind helping me study?
And she goes, "Um..."
Um...
Here.
She quizzed me on Franklin Roosevelt.
You know, Dena, he was the President
of the United States during World War II,
and during the Great Depression.
Well done, Mom. Then, I picked up this guy,
around your age.
Omar Arabic or Mexican Omar?
Yeah, Arabic.
Alhamdulillah!
Both my parents are actually from Egypt.
And what do you do?
I'm a radiologist. A doctor? That's great.
Wow, impressive.
I asked him if he was married. He must be.
Handsome doctor. So he held up both his hands.
I could see his fingers were naked, so, of course,
I started telling him about you.
You know, you should meet Dena, my daughter.
She is very stubborn.
Her kushari is not really very good,
and she curses a lot.
Always fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
But, under the right lighting,
she is really beautiful.
When I drop him off, I showed him a picture of you...
All right, thanks for the ride.
And he smiled.
Oh, wait, wait. Look, there she is.
But I could see that it was a polite smile,
because his eyes were very sad.
Have a good night. Have a good night.
What picture did you show him?
That one.
What the fuck is this? You see that cursing?
The doctor was not very happy
when I told him that you curse too much.
Okay, you know what? Whatever.
Oh, I forgot.
In fact, I‐I picked up this a guy
that was dressed as a woman,
but he said he was not a man or a woman.
Wait, what happened? I don't know,
it was a little bit strange
because he kept saying I should call him "they,"
as if he was two people.
Sophia?
- Yeah. - He came into the car.
This man, dressed as a woman.
It's stuffy in here. I get confused,
so I think maybe he is going...
To a costume party?
I'm sorry?
You're wearing a women's dress,
so are you playing a joke on your friends?
It's just a dress.
Dresses are for whoever wears them.
Mom, how do you not understand
how offensive that is?
I told him that I knew Caitlyn Jenner,
and I told him when she became a woman,
she became the fourth prettiest Kardashian,
and you know what he said?
He said, "I am not like that.
I am something different."
They, Mom. They. Okay, they.
I was just trying to give advice to they.
You know, I think you should shape your eyebrows a little.
Give them a little more of an arc.
Yeah, I'm not really into tweezing.
Oh, really?
Maybe you should try waxing, then.
Is there a problem?
No. No, no, no problem.
No.
I just don't understand, you have such a handsome face‐‐.
Okay, um, I've had a really long day.
Do you mind if we do the rest of this ride in silence?
It was a compliment.
You have very strong jawline.
Not like my son, Ramy, who has a round face, like bread dough.
Anyway, he just spent the rest of the ride kind of, like,
looking out of the window, sad, until I dropped him off.
Mom, this is so fucked up.
You completely misgendered someone.
That's, like, basically a hate crime.
I did not commit any crime, okay?
It's not what you think, it's who they are.
What about Allah? Allah created him as a man, no?
Ugh! Mom, body parts do not define someone.
They're not a‐‐a man nor a woman.
There are people that don't identify with either.
How can a "he" become a "they"?
Dena, you have to help me find that person, right?
No. I know where they live.
I dropped they off at their home,
so I can go there, I can wait outside,
and when they come out, I can apologize.
There is no fucking way I'm doing that.
Why not? We never spend time together.
You know, this could be like a mother‐daughter bonding.
Yeah, we can find bonding time
that doesn't involve stalking.
Dena, you don't want me to be a citizen, or what?
Mom, do not try to find them.
Please, just wait for Lyft to call you.
Oh, shit! That's not her.
They. Whatever.
Yo, this mine? You Beverly?
It's not me. I'm suspended.
Whatever. Go!
"What is one right of freedom from the First Amendment?"
"What does the Constitution do?"
"What are two rights in the Declaration of Independence?"
Life and liberty. Life and liberty.
You can do whatever you want. Be whoever you want.
Who the fuck cares?
Yes, they.
Hello, they.
Sorry?
Oh, uh,
you gave me a ride the other day, right?
Yes, and, uh
I am here to apologize.
I know I did something very bad,
but I am not a bad person.
English is not my first language,
and I am always worried
that I will sound silly when I use weird words.
I just say what my eyes see, and I see a man wearing,
like, a woman's dress, pretending to be a woman,
and you say you are not a man, nor a woman,
so now, I know that you are nothing.
Okay, um, really glad you were able
to get that off your chest, but I'm just trying
to have some drinks with my boyfriend, so...
Yeah, you see,
and I am trying to become a citizen,
so you have to call Lyft
and tell them that I'm a good person.
I know that you are the one that complained,
because if you don't call them, I will not be able to vote.
Then that fuck‐man will win the elections,
and then it will be very bad
for transgender people like yourself,
and Muslim people like myself,
so we have to stick together.
We have to call Lyft,
because my application was supposed to be a softball,
and it's not a softball anymore, so please.
Please, circle back.
Please, close the circle.
Listen, I am sure on some level,
you do feel bad,
but if it wasn't for this whole Lyft situation,
you wouldn't have thought twice about me.
Do you know how much mental energy
it takes to constantly be monitoring the way
that people talk about you?
I don't wanna have to fight for myself all the time.
That shit is exhausting.
I'm not the one who reported you.
What?
You're not the one?
No. I gave you four stars.
Wow. Yeah, it's a habit.
I don't have time for drama.
Oh. Oh.
Thank you so much.
Okay, we're hugging.
Wow.
You know, if you want to wear makeup,
I recommend Honest Beauty by Jessica Alba.
Didn't know Jessica Alba was still alive.
Oh, yes, she is.
Of course. Have a great evening.
Have a good life. Okay. Who's this?
Um, she just gave me a ride the other day
and just wanted to say "hi."
Hi. She was just leaving, though.
Jersey is weird like that, running into people and shit.
No, not really.
You see, I‐I am here because you guys are here.
What do you mean? Uh, It's fine.
She just wanted to apologize.
I came to see Sophia.
First, I went to their place and wanted to talk to they.
Oh, my God. This is the bitch
that was misgendering you in the Lyft, isn't it?
Now she's stalking you. No, I'm not stalking.
No, just, like, waiting outside and watching secretly.
Oh, AKA stalking. Fuck you, lady!
Did you know there is, like, a huge epidemic‐‐no, no, no.
You're not gonna leave right now.
There's a huge epidemic of violence against trans women.
Don't even get me started on trans women of color.
Maybe you should feel what it's like to be a little scared, huh?
I'm calling the cops.
No. No, no, no. Yes!
No cops. No, no, no.
It was completely misguided,
but my mom wasn't gonna hurt anyone.
She's harmless.
She just, she wanted to apologize, that's all.
Yes, it's true, I did a bad, microaggression to them,
and I wanted to apologize, but, like, it turned out
that they are not really the ones that were angry,
and that I've‐‐ All right, Mrs. Hassan.
The couple over there are not going to press charges,
so just consider this a warning.
Thank you, officer. Thank you, officer.
Thank you. Okay, let's go.
I'm sorry, Dena.
I didn't know that the police would get involved,
so I just wanted to say "sorry" and have them unreport me.
No, Mom, that's exactly it.
You didn't have to say "sorry,"
you just have to stop saying shit.
You say everything that's on your mind, all the time.
It's because I am honest. I don't want to lie.
No, Mom, there's a difference
between being honest and just being mean.
Maybe people are very sensitive.
No, you're mean, Mom.
You say these things, and they hurt people.
It's like you don't consider what you're saying,
it's just, it's a free flow
of every thought you've ever had.
It's like, you talk shit about Trump all the time,
but you‐‐you basically talk just like him.
Same style.
Just, whatever you're thinking, no filter.
No, Dena, I am not like Trump.
All I'm saying is that
I'm not surprised you got reported.
I'm actually surprised it didn't happen sooner.
I would've definitely reported you if
if I was your passenger.
Like, the other morning,
I really like that shirt,
and I was really excited about my day,
and then you had to make fun of me,
and then I was just less excited about my day.
I'm sorry.
You see, Dena, I am tough on myself too.
Like, everything I tell you or tell others,
I say it to myself ten times more.
I say...
"Maysa, you are very stupid because instead
of finishing your degree, you married Farouk."
I am very proud of you, habibti.
You are a lawyer. You are independent.
This is all I wanted to be, but I didn't know how to do it.
Now that I am studying for the American citizenship,
I think it's the most excited I've been for so long.
Excited about myself.
Excited to learn.
Excited to be important, like you.
Mom...
Trust me, we find the Japanese girl,
and everything will be okay.
No. No way.
To support and defend the Constitution
and laws of the United States of America.
To support and defend the Constitution and laws
of the United States of America.
Against all enemies, foreign and domestic.
That I will bear true allegiance to the same.
That I will bear arms on behalf of the United States
when required by law.
That I will bear arms on behalf of the United States
when required by law.
That I will perform noncombatant services.
I'm not like you, Trump.
I will fuck you.
I will fuck your pussy and grab it
before you grab mine or Dena's.
I will vote you away, you piece of fucking fuck‐shit.
I am here to stay, bitch.
Congratulations.
You are now citizens
of the United States of America.