Previously on Four Weddings and a Funeral...
I love you, and I've never said that to anybody.
I wanna be with you.
Well, I wanna be with a senator,
so stop kissing your communications director
and get back to work.
Ted Spencer has been involved
in an extramarital affair.
Haskins worked for Spencer as a dog walker.
- I didn't come for you. - I came for your blood sugar.
If I'm not here, you'll just have coffee and chocolate bar.
Finally got my letter from Penguin Publishing.
Would you please...
"Although it shows great promise,
we regret that we are unable to publish it at this time."
I hate my job, and I've always wanted to act.
- Hi, my name's Gemma. - I'm Ainsley's best friend.
- Come on in. - Maya!
See those girls over there playing soccer?
- See the one in the red shorts? - Yeah.
- That's my daughter. - What did Zara say?
Craig...
Would you still like to get a drink with me sometime?
Maybe.
So, you know you had that stupid idea
that I should stay in London? I think I'm gonna do it.
Are you serious?
I have a daughter.
So you told Maya before you told me?
I'm sorry, I just didn't think you'd understand.
Wouldn't understand?
Why wouldn't you go with me to Stonehenge?
I don't know. It sounds dorky.
Like Lord of the Rings.
Oh... oh, hi. Hi, Mom.
We need to talk.
Hey, Maya, great to see you.
Hi, Mrs. Howard.
Mm.
So, did you and Dad have a nice time in Bali
on my honeymoon?
He got terrible food poisoning.
He's resting in the hotel.
He can't eat exotic food like rice.
Oh, when do you guys fly back to Texas?
Actually, that's what I wanted to talk to you about.
Your father and I think you should come home with us.
Wait, what?
You need a fresh start away from that man.
I knew he was trouble from the beginning,
and not because he's Muslim.
I like Muslims.
I watch Dr. Oz every day.
- Mom, my whole life is here. - What about my store?
You mean the store that your father and I pay rent on?
That is an investment in Ainsley Howard Designs.
What about the mortgage that we pay on this townhouse?
That is an investment in Ainsley Howard the woman.
Listen, your father and I've been happy
to help you out the last couple of years,
but after that extravagant wedding,
we have reached our limit. Think about it, honey.
I don't need to think about it.
All my friends are here. I'm staying, Mom.
- I admire your tenacity. - Thank you.
And it's gonna come in handy,
because we're cutting you off.
Oh, God.
♪ You've got a sweet little place in my heart ♪
♪ Like a sweet little rain takes care of the flowers ♪
♪ And that's love ♪
♪ Your kind of love, your kind of love ♪
- Oh, my God! - It's is not a big deal.
Dude, I'm unemployed, and your mom just cut you off.
We are one month away from being Dickensian urchins.
- No, we're not. - No.
I run a very successful home design store.
You're gonna get a job. We're gonna be fine.
- You think so? - Yeah, I know so.
Okay, well, we need to be smarter about money.
- Yeah. - So let's cook our own dinner tonight.
- Great! - I'll book a cooking class.
No, Ains.
Yeah, I'll Google how to make hot dogs.
Why would you quit your job?
Because acting's the only thing I've ever wanted to do.
I'm tired of living my life just to please other people.
Oh, I don't know, man.
All the actors I knew in college
ended up dead or working at a Hard Rock Cafe.
Yeah, well, I've already got an audition lined up.
It's an open call for A Midsummer Night's Dream.
My life sucks.
You're gonna leave me to play a wood sprite or some shit,
and I haven't heard from Zara in a week.
- Hey, man, she'll come back. - She always does.
- I don't know, man. - This feels different.
You should have seen her.
She was really upset.
Well, listen, I'm always here to talk.
Thanks, man.
For the next few weeks at least.
After that, I'll be too famous.
Ugh, "too famous."
- Hey. - Hi.
Nice suit.
You solving crimes in a small British seaside town?
No, worse.
I have a job interview
with this old crusty member of Parliament.
- Who? - Have you ever heard of Andrew Aldridge?
- Oh, yeah, isn't he gay? - He can't be that bad.
- I looked him up. - He's that bad.
Andrew Aldridge is the epitome of old school white privilege.
He's completely out of touch
with the priorities of real people,
and in general is kind of a jerk.
And congratulating the Honorable Member
Thibault Server on once again having absolutely nothing
intelligent to say on this subject.
I emailed every political connection I had,
and he's the only response I got.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Wait, why do you look hot?
I do not look hot.
- Oh, my God. - Did you contour your face?
You did! Your nose is, like this thin.
Fine.
I'm going to Craig's office later.
He's gonna help me figure out my money stuff.
Oh, Craig's office, which he shares with Kash.
I thought you didn't believe in looking hot to go see your ex.
Okay, Miss Marple, you got me.
I wanna look hot when I see the man that left me at the altar.
- Is that pathetic? - No, no, it's necessary.
- Good luck. - Thank you.
Oh dear, where's Ainsley, Gemma?
Oh, well, I don't know.
I mean, she's never been late before.
Poor thing.
Probably doesn't want to show her face after what happened.
Do you have any idea why her fiancé called it off?
Was he cheating because she was boring
or was he cheating because she was tacky?
He wasn't cheating, she was too good for him.
Look, why don't we just start? I'm sure she'll be along.
Ha! We can't very well play two-on-one.
Can we?
Maybe 'Stasi and I should play singles,
just until you find a partner, Gemma.
Shouldn't be a problem, a woman of her pedigree.
Bye-bye.
It was horrible, Quentin.
God, darling, they're awful.
Why wasn't Ainsley there?
- I don't know. - Maybe she's injured.
Americans are so cavalier about crossing the street here,
because we have free healthcare.
Well, she doesn't look injured.
She's in her living room chatting with Maya.
Is she?
I mean, this is very conservative.
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
Like hell I will.
Hmm.
So, if you could have any other job in the world
except for French teacher, what would it be?
Um, I guess a French tutor.
Does that count?
No, no, that does not count.
- I'm sorry. - Okay... 'kay, what about you?
Uh, well, you're gonna think this is kinda lame,
but I've always kind of thought of myself as a novelist.
- Really? - Yeah.
You seem too stable and well-adjusted to be a novelist.
Hmm, well, actually, I have, uh, quite a dark past.
Half my grandparents are dead.
- Oh, I'm so sorry. - No, no, no I'm just kidding.
So, do you fancy yourself as a novelist
or have you written anything?
Yeah, actually, a whole book.
- No. - What's it about?
It's a quiet epic spanning six generations.
One New England family coping with love, loss,
and the decline of the cod industry.
Oh, my God, that sounds brilliant.
Would you ever let anybody read it?
- Are you kidding? - Yeah!
No, I'll go print you off a copy right now.
I should probably email it to you. It's 1,400 pages long.
Wow.
Can't wait.
George, I love working on the acquisitions team...
And you did a great job with the Asia-Pacific fund.
I'd say you have a real yen for it.
Thanks, but recently, I've been reassessing my life,
and I've decided to pursue acting full time.
Look, mate, I get what this is about.
Huh?
How 'bout a 20% raise?
This isn't about a raise.
- Sure, it isn't. - 30%.
No, look, this is just something I have to do.
Oh, you are a real arsehole,
which, I guess, is why I hired you.
35% and that's my final offer.
- I'm sorry, George. - Consider this my two weeks notice.
But you're my favorite, Kash.
And you dressed up as Aladdin for my daughter's birthday.
She still asks about you!
It's so weird that you still have to share an office with Kash.
I know.
Yeah, I tried to switch, but I guess
no one wants to share with him, 'cause... he sucks.
- So, where is he anyway? - Oh, uh, he doesn't spend a lot of time in here.
I kind of iced him out.
Anyway, screw that guy. Let's talk about your money.
Now, without your family's help,
you're gonna have to live solely off the profits from your store.
Well, that's fine, right?
I mean, I always have a million people in there.
Most of them are Asian teenagers Instagramming, but still...
Yeah, the thing is, you have to make more than you spend, Ains.
I know that, Craig.
Which currently, given your expenses, you don't.
Come here, take a look.
Orchids, fancy bottled water, pet daycare for your two design assistants...
Do you need two design assistants?
You should fire one.
- My Tonys? - Definitely not.
They are the bedrock of my business and the wind beneath my wings.
Well, you need to save money somewhere.
Make some trims. Don't pay for everybody's lunch.
Turn the heat down. Pick up your own takeout.
You gotta think about what's essential and cut everything else.
- Okay, I'll do it. - Gotta start somewhere, right?
Hey, thank you for having my back after the wedding.
I know it cost you a friend.
- Oh, yeah! - Oh.
- Mm, I love you. - I love you.
Yep, okay.
See you later.
Exactly, yeah.
Well, thank you for your time, sir,
and keep fighting the good fight.
Yeah.
Uh, you might want to give him a minute or so.
He's still in the afterglow.
I think I'll be fine.
Oh.
You're American. How fun.
Perhaps, a fresh, foreign perspective is just
what this notoriously traditional man is looking for.
Maybe.
Next!
Best of luck, love.
Ah, you have excellent references
from your employers in the States.
All of them quite liberal I see.
Well, "If you're not liberal when you're young, you have no heart."
"And if you're not conservative when you're old, You have no brain."
Churchill, not bad.
Well, if you think I'm good at quoting speeches,
you should see how well I write them.
Ah, well, I do like confidence,
and I must say your CV is sterling.
Although, you do gloss over your exit from your last job.
I gather you were sleeping with the senator.
I'm sorry, but how do you know that?
Politics is a small world, dear.
In this puritan age, gossip is one of the few vices we're still allowed.
Well, it was a complicated situation.
Oh, I don't care.
I'm just trying to discern whether
you're a successful woman who had an affair with her boss
or a woman who's successful because she had an affair with her boss.
Okay, I think we're done here.
Oh, is this interview over?
It is.
I don't wanna work for someone like you.
Well, we're in luck,
because I don't wanna hire someone like you.
Kindly get out of my office.
Of course England is run by old white men.
England invented old white men.
We never talk about all the good things
old white men have done, do we?
Harvey.
Like, abolished slavery, gave women the right to vote.
Maybe it's a good thing you didn't get this job.
- This guy sounds horrible. - I know.
And how dare he imply that I slept my way to the top.
- Of course you didn't. - Not at all.
Being a politician's assistant hardly qualifies as "the top."
Oh, you should work for Perce Nighthall.
He works out at my club.
I would love to.
Perce Nighthall is, like, my dream politician.
Yeah, he's passionate, authentic...
- Yeah, for sure. - There you go.
And he, like, never wears a tie.
No matter what the color of your skin
or your gender or your socioeconomic background...
Can you introduce me to him?
Oh, no, no, no.
When I go to the club, I usually just sit
in the steam room until my newspaper wilts.
Well, maybe you could get me a day pass?
Even if he doesn't have a job for me, I'd love to meet him.
Sure, swing by tomorrow. Maybe you'll bump into him.
Oh, my God, thank you.
Ainsley and I would come with, but we have plans.
- Mm, I was gonna text you. - I was wondering if we could...
You promised you'd help me find a dress
for Giles' Parents' Weekend at Cragscross.
Keep our plans exactly the same.
Good.
Now try the Stilton. It's divine.
Ooh.
"My lord, fair Helen told me of their stealth.
"Of this, their purpose hither to this wood.
And I, in fury, hither..."
- Hey, Dad. - Hi.
- What happened to your head? - Nothing.
I tried to lift a ski bag onto the scale, and I passed out.
What?
Did you forget to check your blood sugar again?
- I know, it know. - It's my fault.
I deserve my bump.
Abu, you have to take better care of yourself.
I do.
I eat salad. I wear my Fitbit.
Wearing it is not the exercise.
You have to walk too.
How many times are we gonna have this conversation?
You have a 12-year-old son. He needs you around.
It's just hard.
I get home after a long day at work,
and the last thing I want to do is go walking.
I'm sorry. It's not just Asif who needs you around.
Okay? We both do.
Why?
You don't listen to me anyway.
I saw you with a glass of something on Facebook.
You drink apple juice at the pub?
I'll make you dinner.
- Can it be fish? - Sure.
- And chips? - You already said yes.
Heh.
- You know I love you. - I love you more.
But I am trying to make this business more efficient,
so what would you say your main responsibilities are here?
Um, picking the store playlist.
Keeping track of merchandise.
Inspiring you to take hair risks.
- Restocking the store. - Interpreting your dreams.
Issuing invoices.
Just like, generally being here
and, like, vibing.
Look, Tony 1, I think you are fabulous.
Oh, my God, I think you're so fabulous too.
Like, you're the only person I've ever worked for who, like,
actually believes in me and doesn't make me feel like I'm shit.
Like my stepdad Rod used to.
Uh...
Tony 1, Tony 2,
after careful consideration,
I have decided that the best way to cut the budget is...
No more bottled water.
- Oh, my God, no. - No, no, no.
We should... we should phase it out gradually
over the course of three months.
Ainsley!
I'm going to go on a hunger strike.
♪ I'm the bad guy ♪
Excuse me, hi. Are you Perce Nighthall?
- I am. - Do you work here?
Because I brought this magazine from home,
so I am allowed to fill out the sudoku.
No, um, I'm just a fan.
I loved that speech you gave defending the National Health Service.
It was awesome.
Wow, I did not realize British Members of Parliament
were celebrities with young Americans.
I should move to I. A.
Well, no, I used to work in a Senate office in New York.
Do you know Ted Spencer?
Yeah, of course, he gave that terrific speech
on wage inequality.
Well, I guess you're a fan of me too.
- I wrote that. - You're serious?
- Yeah. - That is incredibly impressive.
- It's a pleasure to meet you. - Thank you.
I am Maya Jones.
This might be too forward, but you wouldn't be in the market
for a speech writer, would you?
You know, maybe I would.
Why don't you give my office a call?
- Great. - Yeah, I will.
- Thank you. - It's my pleasure.
Oh, hey, Maya.
I stole this.
- Shh. - Oh, just...
All right, feedback time.
And let me have it.
Did you love my book or did you love-love it?
Okay, well, let me begin by saying I am honored
you let me read this.
And just be honest and don't hold back.
Okay, well, my honest assessment
is that it's far too long, oddly plotted,
and very self-indulgent.
- Uh-huh. - Yeah, okay.
I can feel a "but" coming.
Well, I just feel
the protagonist masturbates far too often.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, well, he doesn't... yeah,
it's just he masturbates a normal amount.
So it's probably just gender bias.
Oh, Duffy, please don't get upset.
I'm in awe you finished a novel,
and there is a 20-page section at the end,
which is... oh, it's exquisite.
Out of a 1,400-page novel,
you like 20 pages?
You know what, maybe you don't get it 'cause of cultural differences, huh?
'Cause all my American friends, they love my novel.
- Oh, they do? - Yeah, yeah, they do.
So maybe you need to go reread it, or I-I don't know.
Tabby, maybe you should just... go.
Are you ready to begin alterations, Madam?
- No, just a moment. - I'm waiting for my friend.
I trust her eye more than mine.
She's American and unburdened by tact.
Is that Gemma Thorpe-Blood?
It is Gemma Thorpe-Blood.
Oh, how are you, darling? It's been ages.
Clementine.
Atalanta.
What a wonderful surprise.
I'm just picking up a dress for Parents' Weekend at Cragscross.
- Oh, you look marvelous. - You'll be best in show.
- Ciao, darling. - Bye.
- Must brunch soon, yeah? - Bye-bye.
Bye.
So... which Tony did you fire?
- Neither, I chickened out. - Ugh.
And then I felt so bad about even considering it
that I bought them both Ariana Grande tickets.
- Heh. - Oh, I'm sorry, Ains.
My mother's right.
I should just give up and go home.
- No. - No, you shouldn't.
You can do this.
I got it.
Oh!
Oh, hey, Gemma...
Oh, my God, dress shopping.
I'm so sorry. I got caught up with work.
And you couldn't call or text or do that
WhatsApp thing you made me download when we went to Croatia?
You gotta cut me some slack.
I am trying to keep my business alive.
Oh, so that gives you free rein to act like
a complete and utter arsehole, does it?
I am not an "arsehole."
I'm just not some rich guy's bored wife
who has all the time in the world.
- I see. - I didn't...
Sorry to have bothered you.
Gemma!
Khan.
Oh, sorry, Kash Khan.
Hi.
Whenever you're ready.
"My love to Hermia, melted as the snow,
seems to me now as..."
Sorry, do you mind if I start again?
Of course.
"My love to Hermia, melted as the snow,
"seems to me now, as the remembrance of an idle gaud,
"Which in my childhood I did dote upon.
"To her, my lord, was I betroth'd ere I saw Hermia:
"But like in sickness, did I loathe this food;
"But as in health, come to my natural taste.
"Now I do wish it, love it, long for it,
and will for evermore be true to it."
Thanks for coming in.
I could try it again, different way.
We've seen all we need.
Thank you.
- Look, darling, an unannounced guest. - Your favorite.
I'm sorry to bother you.
I know now might not be the best time,
but I got an interview with Perce Nighthall,
and I wanted to say thanks.
- Oh! - Thank you.
Lovely, lovely bottle of scotch.
It'll be perfect for very late in the evening.
- Oh. - And I'm too far gone to know the difference.
Congratulations on the interview.
- Are you okay? - Yes, I'm fine.
It's nothing.
If you must know, I have no friends.
- No, Ainsley didn't mean... - Really, and it's not just her.
It's those evil twats that I socialize with.
They make fun of me, because my... my father started
a dog food company.
So they have mean little nicknames...
Pedigree, Best in Show.
It really is a wonderful product.
They only use choice cuts and almost no fecal matter.
- I'm sorry, I don't understand. - What's the problem?
Well, they all think I'm beneath them,
because I'm "new money."
We didn't inherit our wealth.
We made it all through hard work.
Why do you hang out with these people?
They sound terrible.
Without Ainsley, they're all I have.
She was my only true friend.
Well, I know she's going through a lot right now,
but I'm always here if you ever need someone to talk to.
Well, that's kind, dear, thank you.
But neither of us really want that.
Yeah.
Kash!
You were right. Zara's coming back.
I was all worried about nothing.
Oh, that's brilliant.
Hey, I've got a huge problem.
I've been a delusional idiot,
and I've gotta beg George to give me job back.
Dude, what are you talking about?
- What happened at the audition? - I was rubbish.
In all my excitement about becoming an actor,
I never stopped to ask if I was any good.
And guess what. I'm not.
Listen, I would love nothing more
than for you and I to grow old together sitting in this office.
But if acting means this much to you,
you owe it to yourself to keep trying.
You already gave George your notice.
Don't waste any more time here.
I don't know.
Do you really think I can do this?
I do.
But I'm wrong about most things.
The right is exploiting cultural anxieties to steal
working class votes, so Labour needs to be
the party of economic hope.
Yes, I've always said "the voter with an eye on his wallet
doesn't care about the accent of the man across the street."
- Exactly. - Yeah.
Sorry if this is too American,
but I would be so excited to work for you.
I'm really impressed by your policy positions.
- Well, thank you very much. - You're hired.
You're funny.
- Yeah, no. - Seriously, I like you.
You're hired.
- Oh, wow. - Uh, thank you.
Ta-da.
I think we are going to do some really great things together.
My office will be in touch.
Thank you.
I don't get it. You got the job.
What's the problem now?
I'm afraid he hired me, 'cause he thinks
I might sleep with him.
- What? - What makes you say that?
I think he knows about Ted.
The other guy I interviewed with knew, so why wouldn't he?
Maybe you're just being paranoid.
I don't know.
At the end of the interview,
he did this thing with my arm.
You mean he grabbed your arm?
- No. - Like, did something sexual with your arm?
No, here, let me show you.
- Oh, no. - Please, no.
I actually hate being used in demonstrations, so...
Just stand up.
He was like:
I think we're going
to do great things together.
Gah... yeah, that's creepy.
- What? - That is so nothing.
- Insane. - You don't know how I felt!
This is why I hate being used in demonstrations.
Is that what people are gonna think
for the rest of my life that everything I achieved
was because I was sleeping with my boss?
Babe, that is so crazy.
You know you're good at your job.
- Yeah. - Do I?
It's hard to know for sure when all my promotions
came from my boyfriend.
You guys, this is just like Daisy and Professor Winthrop.
- What? - Who's Daisy?
Duffy, what the hell are you talking about?
From my book.
They're characters from my novel,
which you all love.
Oh!
The... your... your... your book, the characters, and the... the...
Wow, none of you read it.
None of you read my book.
- I started your book. - I skimmed.
I'm like a... like a quarter in.
Yeah, but none of you finished it!
It was really long.
Craig, you read all the Harry Potters in three days.
Yeah, but those are, like, interesting.
No, no! Um...
Oh, that's good.
You know what? Oh.
This is actually perfect fodder for my next novel,
A Man With No Friends.
- Duffy, calm down. - Duffy!
- Nope. - Duffy!
Well, this is a disaster.
What?
I have absolutely nothing to wear
to the Parents' Weekend.
I'm sorry, darling, we're gonna have to go shopping.
But you hate shopping.
No, no, I love it.
Why have a shirt tailor-made when you can buy one
other people's bodies have touched.
- All right. - If you want to.
I still haven't found a dress myself yet.
Brilliant.
Also, I think my nails could do with some attention.
- Your nails? - Yeah.
I would love for them
to be more triangular and reflective.
And let me guess, you also have a yearning
to go to Butt-Sculpting with Kelly?
Yeah.
What a fun girls' day we have in store.
Oh, Quentin.
- Come on, let's get ready. - Oh, my God.
- You too. - See you soon.
Hi, Tabby.
Hi, Duffy.
Look, I'm really sorry.
- I was just trying to help. - Oh, I know that you were.
I'm sorry, do you mind going up a step
so that the height difference isn't so weird?
Look, I really like you.
I like talking with you and spending time with you.
And I just hope I didn't ruin it all by snapping at you
about my stupid book.
It's not stupid.
- I was far too harsh. - No, you were right.
I mean, there must be some reason
that every publishing house rejected it.
And I know that, you know, young, white, male authors
aren't really in vogue right now.
- You're losing me. - Yeah, right, totally.
You know, you said that there were 20 pages
of my book that you really liked,
and I was hoping that maybe you would help me
turn them into a short story.
I'd be happy to.
Ooh!
Quiet or you'll get detention!
Oh, my God, thank you! Yes, thank you so much.
Yes!
Oh.
My man.
Zara.
Zara?
"Dearest Craig, I had thought I could face you,
"but now that I'm here, I realize that I'm a coward.
"As I write this, my eyes are blinded by tears
"partially from the colored contact lenses I'm wearing,
"but mostly because I'm leaving you,
"and I'm devastated.
"I loved you with all my heart
"and showed you every part of my soul,
"but I realized you will never be able to do the same.
"So now I must try to rebuild my life.
"Also, I couldn't find my Prince George commemorative plate.
"If you see it, please send it to my second best friend, Poppy,
"'Cause Midge is in jail for punching a bus driver.
Sincerely, Zar."
♪ As I saw my love is fading ♪
♪ Yes, I saw my love ♪
Hey, I'm heading out.
- Do you need anything? - Uh, no, I think I'm good.
- How was your first day? - Oh, great.
You Brits take work-life balance very seriously.
Everyone left for the pub at, like, 4:59.
Tomorrow, I am gonna need you to write a press release.
On the new environmental restrictions?
Already did it. - And to think I very nearly didn't go to the gym that day.
I'm so glad you're here, Maya. I am one lucky guy.
- What are you doing? - Uh, what?
You put your hand on my back.
No, no, that... that, uh, that was not a put.
That was a pat.
"Good job, well done."
That's pretty universal, I think.
I'll see you tomorrow, Maya.
Sorry, but I have to ask.
Did you hire me because you thought I might sleep with you?
Maya, how dare you ask me a question like that.
I am a feminist. My sister is a lesbian.
Look, you might be a creep, or maybe you're just some
nice guy with boundary issues, but I'm sorry, I can't work here.
'Cause even if I succeed, part of me will never be sure
it's for the right reasons.
You were the one who approached me in the gym
wearing a sports bra.
What message did you think you were sending?
- And there it is. - Thank you for confirming I was right.
I-I am not a creep.
- Hi, Mom. - Good morning, honey.
I find the most adorable space for your new shop.
And it's right down from your father's office.
You could drive to work together.
I told you, Mom, I'm not moving home.
You say that now, but we both know it's just a matter of time.
You are a talented designer.
But Howard women just do not have a head for business.
Tony?
Hi.
So, I'm not allowed to nap at work and you are.
Well, good to be king, I guess. Excuse me.
First of all, Tony 2, I'd like to thank you
for coming in on short notice.
I hope it didn't ruin your day off.
No, clearly, I wasn't doing anything.
Here's the thing.
My dad always handled my finances,
and I thought after I married Kash,
he would take care of that stuff
and all the things I thought I couldn't do.
Oh, my God, girl, same.
Like, my boyfriend Marvin does all my laundry,
because I can't tell the washer from the dryer.
They look the same.
I'm sorry, but why are you telling us all this?
Because I have to let you go, Tony 1.
- What? - Mm.
- No! - Yes.
- Why? - Because you don't do anything.
A great example of that is when I was choking to death earlier,
and you were outside vaping.
You know, there was a reason I had to vape at that moment.
Hmm.
And you and you will never know what that was.
Good-bye, Ainsley.
Can I just be called Tony now?
Definitely not, Tony 2.
- Dad, I'm home. - Dad?
Dad?
Where are you? I'm hungry.
Dad?
Dad!
"They were stolen onto this wood,
"And here am I, and wode within this wood,
Because I cannot meet my Hermia."
- Hey, dude, what's up? - It's Dad.
I don't know what to do. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down, what happened?
He was on the floor, and he wouldn't wake up.
- Is he okay? - I don't know.
They're taking him to City of London Hospital.
All right, I'll meet you there.
- This is all my fault. - I always made him eat bad.
We split a Twix yesterday.
- Come on, bro. - I messed up, and now he's gonna die.
He's not gonna die.
Is that what they told you when Mum got sick?
What are we gonna do without him?
Look, stop thinking like that.
- Dad's gonna be okay. - You don't know that.
- Hey, Quentin. - What's up?
Oh, "What's up"?
I'll tell you exactly what's up.
- I've just had my nails done. - Oh.
I've just been on a five-hour shopping spree.
I've had my arse sculpted to within an inch of its life by Kelly.
That sounds like an amazing day.
Then why aren't you the one doing it?
Hmm?
You've hurt the feelings of the best person I've ever known,
and I know Hugh Laurie.
Well, I didn't mean to hurt her feelings.
It's... I've just... I've been really busy...
We're all busy.
Well, I'm not, obviously. I'm incredibly wealthy, but still...
Gemma planned your bridal shower, didn't she?
She encouraged you when you opened up your shop.
Yeah. She does so much for you and for me.
Whenever I pass out in bed, 'cause I've been overserved again,
I always wake up under my blanket,
little bottle of Paracetamol next to me.
I don't deserve that. I don't deserve her.
- And neither do I. - You're right.
I will make it up to her.
Oh, you bet my sculpted arse you will.
Now, you listen and you listen good.
This is what's gonna happen.
In 20 minutes, you are going to come over
and you will bend the knee and you will beg for her forgiveness.
- Do you understand? - Yes.
- Do you? - Yes.
She will never know this conversation took place.
Good day to you.
Oh, good, it's you.
- I came to apologize. - I was completely out of line.
And yeah, your questions were sexist,
and your political positions are archaic...
American contrition is quite rude.
But I do want to work for you.
Why should I hire a boorish American
who finds my positions "archaic"?
Because I know that tomorrow you're giving a speech on the Home Education Bill.
And?
And based on previous speeches,
you'll point to the incompetent, local authorities
the lack of a national curriculum,
and the failures of the school attendance order.
Perhaps, and what if I do?
You'll be leaving out the really convincing argument
about kids with special needs, especially those without an EHC plan.
That one was for free.
But if you want any more help, you'll have to hire me.
Interesting, but I've already hired Marcus.
Marcus, get in here.
Yes, sir.
Now, each of you is more than qualified to do this job,
so I've decided to hire you both on half salary.
I hope that won't cause any problems.
Not at all.
- Yes, sir. - Brilliant idea.
That's that Margaret Thatcher spirit.
One of us will rise to the top and the other will die
choking on the rubbish in the gutter.
Oh, I don't care about your dynamic.
Please leave.
Thank you.
Well, if we're gonna work together,
I hope we can be friends.
Yeah, one small problem.
I can't be friends with my mortal enemy.
Have a bad night.
I am so sorry for what I said, Gemma.
I'm not just a housewife with endless time on her hands.
I'm on the board of three different bird-related charities.
I know, and you do so much for me and for the birds.
I'm sorry. I've... I've been a shit friend because of work.
And Maya's neediness.
But I promise to always make time for you.
Perfect. Our court time tomorrow is 6:00 a. m.
Dress to impress.
Come on, I'll show you my outfit.
Kash Khan.
Kashif Khan.
Kalij.
- Dad. - Dad, you're alive!
Were you worried about me, Beta?
Hmm?
The doctor says you're gonna recover.
But you have to stop working so hard,
and your diet has to change completely.
If I stop working, who's going to clothe Asif?
Huh?
I keep telling him to stop growing,
but he won't listen.
You won't have to work double shifts anymore.
I just got a big raise.
I'm gonna take care of you, both of you.
How much is the raise?
Can I get a Nintendo Switch with five games?
Get your own raise, man.
- Hello! - Hi.
Look, I know it's game night,
but I'm not gonna stay long.
I'll play one game of Monopoly until the end and that is it.
Wow. What... uh, what's this?
Duffy, we were total dicks about your writing,
and we wanted to make it up to you.
So we're all gonna read your book together,
even if it takes the rest of our lives.
- I-I don't know what to say. - This is so sweet.
- Thank you, guys. - Craig, you start.
From Once Was Plenty...
"Have you ever looked into the canyon
"and had the canyon stare back at you?
"In his 30 years as a park ranger...
"Ulysses Vance...
"had never felt...
so utterly alone."
Craig, are you crying?
Is my book good?
- No. - Okay.
I have to tell you something.
Zara and I broke up...
for real.
She's not coming back this time.
Craig, what happened?
I kept something really big from her.
I have a daughter.
Had too much again, darling?
I can't fathom why you're asleep.
Snooker is so gripping.
Quentin, darling...
Quentin, darling?
Am I gonna have to put you in your pajamas again?
Quentin.
Quentin? Darling?
Quentin!
Oh, my God.
Darling? Wake...
Quentin!
Quentin.
Oh, my God.
Darling?
Oh, my God, oh, no. What do I do?
Where's my phone? Quentin!
Quentin, darling?
Oh, my God!
Go to bed.