1
00:00:16,381 --> 00:00:18,501
KNOCK ON DOOR

2
00:00:19,821 --> 00:00:20,861
You OK, Meg?

3
00:00:20,861 --> 00:00:24,101
Well, the game is now shit,
I've been promoted twice and I hate

4
00:00:24,101 --> 00:00:27,621
my job, and I've just been dumped
by the world's most fascinating man.

5
00:00:27,621 --> 00:00:31,101
Did you know he was an accredited
cobbler?  Yes. Yeah, I did know that.

6
00:00:34,941 --> 00:00:39,661
You know Back To The Future, right?
Or Hot Tub Time Machine,

7
00:00:39,661 --> 00:00:44,781
Timecop, Source Code, Looper,
Interstellar, 12 Monkeys,

8
00:00:44,781 --> 00:00:48,221
Time Bandits, Timecrimes,
The Girl Who Leapt Through Time,

9
00:00:48,221 --> 00:00:50,701
The Time Machine,
and various other sequels?

10
00:00:50,701 --> 00:00:52,501
I know some of those films, Meg.

11
00:00:52,501 --> 00:00:56,261
Do you ever wish you could just go
back?  Well, me and Jay are pretty...

12
00:00:58,741 --> 00:01:01,541
..but no. Totally.
SHE SIGHS

13
00:01:12,421 --> 00:01:14,941
Oh, Meg.  Hiya, Mum.
Are you all right?  Yeah.

14
00:01:14,941 --> 00:01:17,181
Good. Can I just pop up to my
room quickly?

15
00:01:27,941 --> 00:01:29,981
VIDEO MUSIC JINGLES

16
00:01:43,181 --> 00:01:47,141
Behold, retro Kingdom Scrolls,
the glory days.

17
00:01:47,141 --> 00:01:51,261
Look at these low-res polys.
How did we live like this, Meg?

18
00:01:51,261 --> 00:01:53,901
We were just kids, Usman.
We didn't know any better.

19
00:01:53,901 --> 00:01:55,461
This was a different time -

20
00:01:55,461 --> 00:01:58,261
Avril Lavigne and flip phones,
before Facebook came along

21
00:01:58,261 --> 00:02:00,741
and gave mums a platform to sell
kitchen items.

22
00:02:00,741 --> 00:02:02,381
And why are we playing this, again?

23
00:02:02,381 --> 00:02:05,541
Cos, I don't mean to sound harsh,
but it looks fucking shit.

24
00:02:05,541 --> 00:02:07,341
It's just less accessible, you know?

25
00:02:07,341 --> 00:02:10,461
Cos modern Kingdom Scrolls is
just so fucking accessible.

26
00:02:10,461 --> 00:02:13,701
See, I think that's why I liked it,
cos it's accessible.

27
00:02:13,701 --> 00:02:16,061
That's because you basically have a
disability, Russell.

28
00:02:16,061 --> 00:02:19,541
You're gaming disabled.
Or game unable, if you prefer.

29
00:02:19,541 --> 00:02:23,661
My God, it's so basic and
repetitive. Nicky would love this.

30
00:02:23,661 --> 00:02:27,061
Where is he anyway?  Oh, um, I think
he's getting ready to

31
00:02:27,061 --> 00:02:30,461
meet his girlfriend for the first
time or whatever.  Usman!

32
00:02:30,461 --> 00:02:33,221
Guys, I need to bounce,
Zara's making me a big lunch.

33
00:02:33,221 --> 00:02:36,301
Usman, I think it's time.

34
00:02:38,461 --> 00:02:39,621
Oh, boy.

35
00:02:39,621 --> 00:02:43,501
Argh! Ow!

36
00:02:43,501 --> 00:02:46,741
Sorry, Martin just gave me
a dead arm.  Martin?

37
00:02:46,741 --> 00:02:50,141
Yeah, there's a man living with me
now. It's me, Annette, and Martin.

38
00:02:50,141 --> 00:02:54,941
He just goes wherever he wants.
He's like a house cat but a man.

39
00:02:54,941 --> 00:02:57,101
A house man.

40
00:02:57,101 --> 00:02:59,461
OK, no, Russell, this is a
nightmare.

41
00:02:59,461 --> 00:03:01,621
Just get out of there and go home.

42
00:03:03,821 --> 00:03:07,261
Holy shit. That's
Bramble Thatch Farm.

43
00:03:07,261 --> 00:03:10,381
That's our old place, mine
and Nicky's, from my old save.

44
00:03:10,381 --> 00:03:13,861
We had cattle, pigs,
a herd of slaves.

45
00:03:13,861 --> 00:03:16,221
We lived here, just me and Nicky
and...

46
00:03:16,221 --> 00:03:17,461
THUDDING IN GAME

47
00:03:17,461 --> 00:03:20,621
CHILD IN GAME:  Mama, papa.
Mama, papa.

48
00:03:21,781 --> 00:03:24,941
Mama, papa. Mama, papa.

49
00:03:24,941 --> 00:03:27,821
Oh, my God. Tobias?

50
00:03:30,621 --> 00:03:33,381
Oh, um...  For Daisy.

51
00:03:33,381 --> 00:03:36,741
What's on the menu?
What is this giant meat here?

52
00:03:36,741 --> 00:03:39,021
Veal flanks.  OK.

53
00:03:39,021 --> 00:03:41,861
I don't think the flanks are going
to fit in the slow cooker, Nicky.

54
00:03:41,861 --> 00:03:42,981
That's why I've got the hand axe.

55
00:03:42,981 --> 00:03:45,901
Sure, I just think any meal that
involves an axe,

56
00:03:45,901 --> 00:03:48,821
maybe not on a first date.

57
00:03:48,821 --> 00:03:53,661
Totally. God, it is so good
you're here. You know so much.

58
00:03:53,661 --> 00:03:57,941
Yeah, and what are you serving with
the veal flanks.

59
00:03:57,941 --> 00:04:04,021
Yams!  Interesting, because it
doesn't sound much like a dinner,

60
00:04:04,021 --> 00:04:06,221
does it, Nicky, Flanks and yams?

61
00:04:06,221 --> 00:04:09,981
It sort of does. Flanks and yams.
Yams and flanks. Like surf and turf.

62
00:04:09,981 --> 00:04:12,661
Quite heavy as a meal.  No, but that
is good, you see.

63
00:04:12,661 --> 00:04:14,941
If I was a girl and a man cooked me
a meal, I would want him

64
00:04:14,941 --> 00:04:17,501
to make me something really massive
and filling. You know?

65
00:04:17,501 --> 00:04:21,101
Like, "I fancy you so much, I want
your stomach to be really full."

66
00:04:21,101 --> 00:04:24,141
Depends, really, on whether you're
thinking of having sex later

67
00:04:24,141 --> 00:04:26,901
because it will sit quite heavy,
the mashed yam,

68
00:04:26,901 --> 00:04:30,861
as a kind of cushion for the sheer
metric weight of the flanks.

69
00:04:30,861 --> 00:04:32,861
Because I also got quite a big
Christmas pudding for dessert.

70
00:04:32,861 --> 00:04:35,741
Yeah, you're not going to want
Christmas pudding, Nicky,

71
00:04:35,741 --> 00:04:37,581
not after the big yam-flank
double-header.

72
00:04:37,581 --> 00:04:40,221
Plus, because ours is getting
quite disgusting -

73
00:04:40,221 --> 00:04:41,701
bit of an impulse buy really...

74
00:04:41,701 --> 00:04:44,021
HE GROANS

75
00:04:44,021 --> 00:04:45,581
I bought a new toilet.

76
00:04:45,581 --> 00:04:48,021
Because I thought about cleaning
ours but then I thought maybe it's

77
00:04:48,021 --> 00:04:50,341
just better to start from scratch,
you know, like a hard reboot?

78
00:04:50,341 --> 00:04:52,141
But then I watched a YouTube
video on it

79
00:04:52,141 --> 00:04:54,941
and realised toilets aren't
like light bulbs, in that they're

80
00:04:54,941 --> 00:04:57,741
actually really quite
difficult to change.

81
00:04:57,741 --> 00:05:00,101
Now I'm thinking I probably
shouldn't have brought it.

82
00:05:00,101 --> 00:05:02,901
Just try and keep it tidy
because Jay's coming over to stay

83
00:05:02,901 --> 00:05:05,061
and he's not really into this
flatmate shit.

84
00:05:05,061 --> 00:05:07,981
He's encouraging me
to be more grown-up.

85
00:05:07,981 --> 00:05:09,621
How could you be more grown-up,
Alison?

86
00:05:09,621 --> 00:05:13,661
Get an artificial hip, start leaving
voicemails?  Oh, look at this!

87
00:05:13,661 --> 00:05:18,901
The big preparations. Meat, yams,
a new toilet.

88
00:05:18,901 --> 00:05:21,381
All angles covered.

89
00:05:21,381 --> 00:05:24,221
I just hope you know what you're
doing, Nicky.  Look, I get it.

90
00:05:24,221 --> 00:05:25,341
It's a big deal.

91
00:05:25,341 --> 00:05:27,661
When you meet someone IRL
you open yourself up, right?

92
00:05:27,661 --> 00:05:29,541
Will it happen? Who knows? If it
happens, it happens.

93
00:05:29,541 --> 00:05:31,261
It might happen.
It might not happen.

94
00:05:31,261 --> 00:05:33,421
Let's just see if it happens.

95
00:05:33,421 --> 00:05:38,021
I am of course talking about murder.
Murder?  Oh, she could be a murderer.

96
00:05:38,021 --> 00:05:41,061
Big time, yeah. I will just make
sure I've got a weapon.  OK.

97
00:05:41,061 --> 00:05:44,061
No, Nicky.  Not like a crossbow,
Alison. Jesus.

98
00:05:44,061 --> 00:05:46,501
You know, room weapon.
Lampshade, heavy wooden fruit

99
00:05:46,501 --> 00:05:50,701
bowl, so I can, you know,
brain her if she goes psychotic.  Oh.

100
00:05:52,181 --> 00:05:57,981
By the way, in case you cared, he's
still alive.

101
00:05:57,981 --> 00:06:02,181
Tobias, Nicky. Our boy.

102
00:06:02,181 --> 00:06:08,341
Tobias is alive?  I found him on my
server.  Little Toby.  OK, I'm sorry.

103
00:06:08,341 --> 00:06:11,581
I can feel my throat trying
to claw these words back

104
00:06:11,581 --> 00:06:15,141
as escape from my mouth.
But who the fuck is Tobias?

105
00:06:15,141 --> 00:06:17,621
Here's an NPC child in
Kingdom Scrolls,

106
00:06:17,621 --> 00:06:19,501
controlled by the computer.

107
00:06:19,501 --> 00:06:22,021
Um, we were supposed to escort him
across a desert

108
00:06:22,021 --> 00:06:23,701
and reunite him with his parents,

109
00:06:23,701 --> 00:06:26,461
then we figured out that if we lured
Tobias home with us,

110
00:06:26,461 --> 00:06:29,901
then we could brick him in and keep
him indefinitely.

111
00:06:29,901 --> 00:06:34,421
And then the new version came out,
we migrated eight years ago.

112
00:06:34,421 --> 00:06:38,101
You bricked a child in a room
for eight years?  Not just any child.

113
00:06:38,101 --> 00:06:41,141
We used to role-play that he was
ours.  Hang on, you two had a son?

114
00:06:41,141 --> 00:06:43,621
An adopted son, yes. And I think it

115
00:06:43,621 --> 00:06:46,781
is finally time to reunite him with
his birth parents.  OK, mate.

116
00:06:46,781 --> 00:06:49,901
I don't have time for this
because I need to get the dinner on

117
00:06:49,901 --> 00:06:51,621
because apparently you're only
a real person now

118
00:06:51,621 --> 00:06:53,421
if you cook
something for fucking ages.

119
00:06:53,421 --> 00:06:55,861
Bake a potato for nine years,
watch a Poldark...

120
00:06:55,861 --> 00:06:57,101
KNOCKING ON DOOR

121
00:06:59,061 --> 00:07:01,061
Hello?  Hi, is this Nicky's place?

122
00:07:01,061 --> 00:07:03,621
My phone ran out of battery on the
Megabus

123
00:07:03,621 --> 00:07:05,141
and I'm quite dramatically early.

124
00:07:05,141 --> 00:07:08,261
WHISPERS:  What kind of sociopath
arrives three hours early?

125
00:07:08,261 --> 00:07:09,701
KNOCKING CONTINUES

126
00:07:09,701 --> 00:07:13,061
Nicky. Nicky, look at me.
You need to let her in.

127
00:07:14,021 --> 00:07:15,341
Christ.

128
00:07:19,741 --> 00:07:20,781
Daisy?

129
00:07:22,981 --> 00:07:26,941
I bought an ice cream at the kebab
shop. Worst decision I ever made.

130
00:07:26,941 --> 00:07:30,261
Would you like to come in or have
you immediately changed your mind?

131
00:07:30,261 --> 00:07:33,021
I haven't changed my mind yet
based on the available data set

132
00:07:33,021 --> 00:07:36,661
but, you know, that is admittedly
quite small.  Great.

133
00:07:36,661 --> 00:07:39,261
Unless you don't want me to come in.
I don't have to.  No, God. No, no.

134
00:07:39,261 --> 00:07:40,941
I really want you to come in.

135
00:07:40,941 --> 00:07:45,301
Yeah, not aggressively. I'm not
being pushy. You don't have to.

136
00:07:45,301 --> 00:07:48,861
There are women here.
Look at the women.

137
00:07:50,141 --> 00:07:53,861
Hello.  These aren't captives. They
are just normal free-range women.

138
00:07:53,861 --> 00:07:57,221
Look very happy, the woman, even if
they are enslaved.

139
00:07:57,221 --> 00:07:59,381
Yeah, they do, don't they?
Boop, boop.

140
00:07:59,381 --> 00:08:01,581
HE CHUCKLES

141
00:08:02,821 --> 00:08:04,781
Is that yes?  Yeah, come on in.

142
00:08:04,781 --> 00:08:09,821
This is Daisy. That's Daisy. She's
here. She has come. Welcome to...

143
00:08:11,181 --> 00:08:14,021
Daisy's here!  Hi, I'm Meg.

144
00:08:14,021 --> 00:08:18,901
Sorry, I didn't quite catch your
name.  Daisy.  Yeah.  Yeah.

145
00:08:18,901 --> 00:08:21,381
I love your hair and you've got such
an amazing array of teeth.

146
00:08:21,381 --> 00:08:24,021
Oh!

147
00:08:24,021 --> 00:08:30,421
Gosh, thanks. Thank you.  Alison.
Alison, yeah, incredible posture.

148
00:08:30,421 --> 00:08:31,781
And skin.

149
00:08:31,781 --> 00:08:34,461
And your hands are perhaps
the loveliest hands

150
00:08:34,461 --> 00:08:37,861
I've seen in a while.  Gosh, thanks.

151
00:08:37,861 --> 00:08:39,421
So...

152
00:08:39,421 --> 00:08:41,421
DAISY CLEARS THROAT

153
00:08:41,421 --> 00:08:46,301
So, um, I've set a heritage server
up, retro Kingdom Scrolls.

154
00:08:46,301 --> 00:08:47,661
She doesn't need to know about
that, Meg.  No, no, no.

155
00:08:47,661 --> 00:08:48,901
I love old Kingdom Scrolls!

156
00:08:48,901 --> 00:08:52,181
Yeah, I was, like, raised on it!
Same!

157
00:08:52,181 --> 00:08:54,821
Um, we were going back to
a mission on an old save.

158
00:08:54,821 --> 00:08:57,741
We're reuniting Tobias
with his parents.  Tobias,

159
00:08:57,741 --> 00:08:59,661
oh, my gosh, the little NPC kid.

160
00:08:59,661 --> 00:09:01,701
Yeah, with the dirty knees and the
no face.  Yeah.

161
00:09:01,701 --> 00:09:03,261
Oh, I fucking love that kid!

162
00:09:03,261 --> 00:09:06,701
Us to. We abducted him.  You can
abduct Tobias?!

163
00:09:06,701 --> 00:09:08,941
It's just a stupid joke. I don't
really... I'm not involved.

164
00:09:08,941 --> 00:09:11,661
No, it's awesome. That's so cool!
Yeah, impressive.

165
00:09:11,661 --> 00:09:13,701
Such a long abduction.  Yeah.  Yeah,

166
00:09:13,701 --> 00:09:16,301
we were thinking about finally
finishing the mission, you know,

167
00:09:16,301 --> 00:09:20,541
finally sending him home.  Yeah,
count me in. I'm up for it, totally!

168
00:09:20,541 --> 00:09:22,661
What, do you mean like the three of
us

169
00:09:22,661 --> 00:09:24,901
together?  Yeah, of course, I
mean, you know, it'll be fun.

170
00:09:26,101 --> 00:09:27,381
Like a three way.

171
00:09:29,981 --> 00:09:32,261
Ha!  Ha!
HE CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY

172
00:09:32,261 --> 00:09:35,541
No, that's cool.
Yeah, I'm cool with that. Sounds...

173
00:09:35,541 --> 00:09:42,541
Cool.  Cool. Shall we retire to the
boud...?  Yeah.

174
00:09:42,541 --> 00:09:45,221
Do you actually mind if I
probably bin this?  Yes!

175
00:09:45,221 --> 00:09:48,421
Yeah, the bin is just there.
It's like I'm holding a... Ah!

176
00:09:48,421 --> 00:09:51,981
"Hello! What are your thoughts,
Mr Prime Minister?"

177
00:09:51,981 --> 00:09:56,701
I don't... I'm not...  I'll get rid
of that. Sorry.  That's...

178
00:09:56,701 --> 00:10:00,181
Yeah, cool. I'm just going to
put this in the bin.

179
00:10:00,181 --> 00:10:03,021
Oh, go... Oh. Yep.  It's fine.
Alison...

180
00:10:03,021 --> 00:10:06,141
Alison is really good at clearing
up.  Ooh, sorry.

181
00:10:06,141 --> 00:10:09,621
This way, my lady.
Just through here.  OK.

182
00:10:18,101 --> 00:10:21,741
Three plates, three glasses.  One
flank, three ways with a hand axe.

183
00:10:21,741 --> 00:10:27,101
A mass of wild yams, split three
ways.  And Christmas pud for afters!

184
00:10:27,101 --> 00:10:31,141
This is so amazing. The three of us
playing together, it just works.

185
00:10:31,141 --> 00:10:35,501
She's amazing. I fucking love her.
God, she's so amazing.

186
00:10:35,501 --> 00:10:39,021
Sounds weird but I get it now,
I do. She deserves a new toilet.

187
00:10:39,021 --> 00:10:40,741
She totally deserves a new toilet.

188
00:10:40,741 --> 00:10:44,861
She shouldn't have to expose her
buttocks to that limescaled

189
00:10:44,861 --> 00:10:47,141
atrocity in there.

190
00:10:47,141 --> 00:10:50,341
My, the meal is so dense it might
actually crack a plate.

191
00:10:50,341 --> 00:10:53,461
We're cooking dinner for Daisy.
Division of labour.

192
00:10:53,461 --> 00:10:56,221
She's looking after Tobias while we
cook and then later, at the end of

193
00:10:56,221 --> 00:11:00,581
the day, we will just sleep together
in a pile in front of the fire.

194
00:11:00,581 --> 00:11:02,621
I'm sorry if you find that
confronting, Alison.

195
00:11:02,621 --> 00:11:03,781
I literally didn't say anything.

196
00:11:03,781 --> 00:11:06,421
Is not like we're some weirdo
three-way sex cult with me

197
00:11:06,421 --> 00:11:07,341
as the de facto leader.

198
00:11:07,341 --> 00:11:09,901
Having said that, we are always
on the lookout for more womenfolk.

199
00:11:09,901 --> 00:11:12,541
Extra pair of hands would make short
work of the raisin harvest.

200
00:11:12,541 --> 00:11:14,541
Once we've return Tobias we are

201
00:11:14,541 --> 00:11:16,261
thinking of retiring to
Bramble Thatch Farm.

202
00:11:16,261 --> 00:11:18,701
Opening up the muffin stand in
time for another winter festival.

203
00:11:18,701 --> 00:11:21,061
Me and Daisy wearing matching
bonnets, if you're into that.

204
00:11:21,061 --> 00:11:23,061
Oh...

205
00:11:23,061 --> 00:11:26,701
It's so tempting but no thank you.

206
00:11:26,701 --> 00:11:30,181
And if you could keep this to a dull
roar cos Jay is here.

207
00:11:30,181 --> 00:11:32,501
He's here?  yeah, we're
brainstorming ways to break it to

208
00:11:32,501 --> 00:11:35,301
Kerry about our relationship,
turn it into a kind of an event,

209
00:11:35,301 --> 00:11:39,101
like a gender reveal party
but for infidelity.

210
00:11:39,101 --> 00:11:41,261
I don't know.

211
00:11:41,261 --> 00:11:44,501
I just hope you've got this shit
locked down, Nicky, you and Daisy,

212
00:11:44,501 --> 00:11:46,141
because she is a great fit for us.

213
00:11:46,141 --> 00:11:49,541
Meg, of course I've got
this shit lockdown.

214
00:11:49,541 --> 00:11:51,941
Although, now I think of it, I can't
remember any actual physical

215
00:11:51,941 --> 00:11:54,461
contact since she arrived.
What, none?

216
00:11:54,461 --> 00:11:56,261
None at all? Right,
you need to get in there

217
00:11:56,261 --> 00:11:58,301
and you need to touch her right now.

218
00:11:58,301 --> 00:12:00,301
Meg, I'm not going in there
and touching her.

219
00:12:00,301 --> 00:12:02,341
What if she is only your friend,
Nicky?

220
00:12:02,341 --> 00:12:05,461
What if she is not even your
girlfriend and you have gone

221
00:12:05,461 --> 00:12:08,781
so in love with her that you brought
her a fucking toilet?!

222
00:12:08,781 --> 00:12:15,821
Just get in there, pile her full
of yams, and lock this shit down!

223
00:12:15,821 --> 00:12:18,741
Yeah, OK. Oh, fuck!

224
00:12:20,661 --> 00:12:21,701
Mama, Papa.

225
00:12:21,701 --> 00:12:24,901
Right, just need to escort Tobias
across the desert of skulls.

226
00:12:24,901 --> 00:12:27,501
Oh, do you actually mind
if we take a quick breather?

227
00:12:27,501 --> 00:12:31,821
I think I've got a veal hangover.
That was an incredibly hefty meal.

228
00:12:31,821 --> 00:12:35,341
Thank you.  I just think I feel a bit
claggy. You know?

229
00:12:35,341 --> 00:12:41,581
Mmm, claggy, I love that. The first
sign of a good feed.

230
00:12:41,581 --> 00:12:43,701
Yeah.

231
00:12:43,701 --> 00:12:45,661
Oh.

232
00:12:45,661 --> 00:12:49,821
Do you want me to rub it for you?
Your throat?

233
00:12:49,821 --> 00:12:52,661
Like a throat rub?  Just sort of
like?

234
00:12:54,101 --> 00:12:57,821
Just massage the Adam's apple, just
to aid digestion, really.

235
00:12:57,821 --> 00:13:01,981
I don't actually have an Adam's
apple. Thank you.

236
00:13:01,981 --> 00:13:04,261
Oh, course you don't. Sorry!

237
00:13:06,501 --> 00:13:09,581
I was...  Right, let's get back to
it.  Sure.

238
00:13:09,581 --> 00:13:11,501
USMAN:  Hey, guys,

239
00:13:11,501 --> 00:13:14,261
contractions are slow this end so
we've got some time.

240
00:13:14,261 --> 00:13:16,301
Whose contractions?
Who do you think? Zara, my wife.

241
00:13:16,301 --> 00:13:17,501
Wait, she's pregnant?

242
00:13:17,501 --> 00:13:23,141
She is pregnant as balls, as
I believe the obstetricians say.

243
00:13:23,141 --> 00:13:24,301
Holy shit, Usman.

244
00:13:24,301 --> 00:13:27,421
I know.
I can't believe it myself. A baby!

245
00:13:27,421 --> 00:13:31,181
Because I've got two children
and, what, now a third?

246
00:13:31,181 --> 00:13:33,941
The mind boggles,
it really, truly does.

247
00:13:33,941 --> 00:13:36,781
And she's OK, yeah, Zara?
Oh, she's fine.

248
00:13:36,781 --> 00:13:40,581
I was stroking her arm
and I thought, "This is so cute,

249
00:13:40,581 --> 00:13:42,421
"this is really helping her
to sleep."

250
00:13:42,421 --> 00:13:45,621
So I rigged up an electric fan to
a bit of wire coat hanger with

251
00:13:45,621 --> 00:13:49,021
a bit of feather on the end
and she is loving it.

252
00:13:49,021 --> 00:13:52,461
I'm just glad I could be here
to do that for her.

253
00:13:52,461 --> 00:13:54,101
Oh, tits on a snake, I'm dead!

254
00:13:54,101 --> 00:13:57,101
OK, Nicky, Daisy is dead. Let's both
kill ourselves and start again.

255
00:13:57,101 --> 00:13:59,181
Totally. Let's kill ourselves
so we can be dead with Daisy.

256
00:13:59,181 --> 00:14:01,341
No, it's fine. If you're halfway
through just go on ahead without me.

257
00:14:01,341 --> 00:14:04,741
Daisy, we're a three now. A golden
triangle. We do this together.

258
00:14:04,741 --> 00:14:06,701
No, you have to finish what you
started.

259
00:14:06,701 --> 00:14:09,981
You're his mum and you're his dad.
It's a big deal, I get it.

260
00:14:09,981 --> 00:14:11,901
I mean, not really.

261
00:14:11,901 --> 00:14:12,981
It's just some stupid role play
thing

262
00:14:12,981 --> 00:14:13,941
from 40,000 years ago or whatever.

263
00:14:13,941 --> 00:14:16,101
A little more than that but,
yeah, no, he's right.

264
00:14:16,101 --> 00:14:18,501
It's not like we're fucking
married or anything.

265
00:14:18,501 --> 00:14:21,061
Although we were briefly in
Kingdom Scrolls but that was just...

266
00:14:21,061 --> 00:14:22,061
Just for the XP.

267
00:14:22,061 --> 00:14:24,661
Cos there is no feelings or
whatever.  Oh, fuck my slippers, no.

268
00:14:24,661 --> 00:14:28,821
God, actually makes my pubes
turn grey just thinking about it.

269
00:14:28,821 --> 00:14:30,221
My pubes are visibly falling out.

270
00:14:30,221 --> 00:14:33,901
You can't see them because they are
in my trousers but they are.

271
00:14:33,901 --> 00:14:38,621
TPA. Total pube alopecia.
Lot of pube chat.

272
00:14:38,621 --> 00:14:42,221
If I actually had any
feelings for Meg, would I do this?

273
00:14:44,261 --> 00:14:45,821
SHE LAUGHS

274
00:14:45,821 --> 00:14:48,461
Exactly!
And would I then go like this?

275
00:14:50,101 --> 00:14:52,421
See? Clonk!

276
00:14:56,461 --> 00:14:59,701
Careful on the old elementals there,
Meg.

277
00:14:59,701 --> 00:15:04,101
Oh-ho-ho! Smiting your game wife,
not a great look, Nicky.

278
00:15:04,101 --> 00:15:07,901
Look at us, hey? A domestic.
What will the neighbours say?

279
00:15:07,901 --> 00:15:09,341
They will probably say,

280
00:15:09,341 --> 00:15:11,501
"Wow, that hunchback is really
ragging on that man boy in a cape."

281
00:15:11,501 --> 00:15:13,541
Not a man boy, Meg.
She's got very narrow shoulders.

282
00:15:13,541 --> 00:15:17,461
Oh, your total goggle-eyed bitch!

283
00:15:21,061 --> 00:15:23,141
Uh-oh. No, my mouse is lagging!

284
00:15:27,381 --> 00:15:31,061
Nicky... Nicky, no!
Just think of Tobias.  No, come on...

285
00:15:37,621 --> 00:15:40,501
SHE GASPS

286
00:15:40,501 --> 00:15:42,941
HE BREATHES HEAVILY

287
00:15:42,941 --> 00:15:45,621
See?

288
00:15:45,621 --> 00:15:47,101
Absolutely no feelings whatsoever.

289
00:15:47,101 --> 00:15:49,501
OK. Well, she's in here.

290
00:15:49,501 --> 00:15:53,501
Ha-ha!  OK. All that unsaved progress
up in smoke, nice.

291
00:15:56,861 --> 00:15:59,501
Wait, no, Nicky. That's my room.
Nicky! No, no, no!

292
00:15:59,501 --> 00:16:01,901
Oh, my God! What the fuck, Nicky?
You did it to me!

293
00:16:01,901 --> 00:16:04,181
Yeah, but only because you stoned
my head in in front of our son!

294
00:16:04,181 --> 00:16:05,661
What, do you think he saw?

295
00:16:05,661 --> 00:16:07,621
He doesn't even have a fucking face,
Meg?

296
00:16:07,621 --> 00:16:10,021
What the fuck is going on here?
Thank God! OK.

297
00:16:10,021 --> 00:16:13,661
Well, Nicky has assaulted me, and
I did not want to play this card,

298
00:16:13,661 --> 00:16:17,261
Alison, but I am basically just
a victim of spousal abuse!

299
00:16:17,261 --> 00:16:20,541
Enough! You've woken up Jay and, God
knows, he needs his sleep right now.

300
00:16:20,541 --> 00:16:23,381
Also, earlier, in the kitchen,
he finds a toilet

301
00:16:23,381 --> 00:16:26,461
and a significant quantity
of leftover boiled yams.

302
00:16:26,461 --> 00:16:28,861
And how the fuck am I supposed to
explain that?!

303
00:16:28,861 --> 00:16:30,421
Now, I put up with
a lot from you two

304
00:16:30,421 --> 00:16:34,221
and I just think perhaps it might be
time, not immediately,

305
00:16:34,221 --> 00:16:38,501
not tonight, but one day that you
think about finding your own place.

306
00:16:38,501 --> 00:16:41,701
Because, you know, Jay might want to
move in at some point

307
00:16:41,701 --> 00:16:43,141
and the kids are going to
want their own room,

308
00:16:43,141 --> 00:16:46,101
and he's got dogs,
which I've just found out about.

309
00:16:47,341 --> 00:16:48,941
Fuck! Finally it all becomes

310
00:16:48,941 --> 00:16:52,261
clear because I thought you were
just being a mate, Alison.

311
00:16:52,261 --> 00:16:57,501
You know, "Get a boyfriend, Meg.
Drink more water. Go outside, Meg.

312
00:16:57,501 --> 00:16:59,061
"Oh, nutrients!"

313
00:16:59,061 --> 00:17:02,141
Alison, were you just trying to
turn me into a normal person

314
00:17:02,141 --> 00:17:04,061
so that I would leave your flat?
What? No!

315
00:17:04,061 --> 00:17:05,741
Getting me over my addiction,

316
00:17:05,741 --> 00:17:08,301
Healthy balance,
normalising my libido?

317
00:17:08,301 --> 00:17:11,141
Alison, have you been preparing me
for the real world.

318
00:17:11,141 --> 00:17:13,421
I mean, what the
fuck is this, Alison?

319
00:17:13,421 --> 00:17:16,381
Is this some kind of jihadi training
camp but instead of teaching people

320
00:17:16,381 --> 00:17:17,741
to blow themselves up, you teach
them

321
00:17:17,741 --> 00:17:20,301
how to get themselves a boyfriend
or make a poke bowl?!

322
00:17:20,301 --> 00:17:24,061
It's actually po-KE.
Oh, big fat shit, Alison!

323
00:17:24,061 --> 00:17:28,901
I'm not saying now. I'm just saying
you can't stay here forever.

324
00:17:28,901 --> 00:17:33,141
That's fine. We didn't even want to
stay here forever, did we, Nicky?

325
00:17:33,141 --> 00:17:37,901
Actually, I think perhaps I did.
So I'm just playing catch up.

326
00:17:37,901 --> 00:17:38,781
MEG SCOFFS

327
00:17:45,781 --> 00:17:46,421
Nicky?

328
00:17:48,901 --> 00:17:50,581
Oh...

329
00:17:53,821 --> 00:17:56,061
Right, so that's my supposedly
girlfriend

330
00:17:56,061 --> 00:17:58,661
inside the bivouacked tent
inside the living room.

331
00:17:58,661 --> 00:18:01,701
And finally
my sexual humiliation is complete.

332
00:18:01,701 --> 00:18:05,181
Just so glad you were both here to
share it with me.

333
00:18:14,021 --> 00:18:15,581
Oh, hey.

334
00:18:15,581 --> 00:18:17,581
Hello!

335
00:18:20,541 --> 00:18:23,421
I like your tent.  Thanks.

336
00:18:23,421 --> 00:18:26,341
Essentially just
a polyester body bag.

337
00:18:26,341 --> 00:18:27,421
Weirdly, they called

338
00:18:27,421 --> 00:18:31,261
and offered a deal on an earlier
flight back to Salzburg.

339
00:18:31,261 --> 00:18:33,581
Well, that was nice of them.

340
00:18:33,581 --> 00:18:37,621
So I just pushed a button on an
Uber and, yeah, it's two minutes.

341
00:18:38,861 --> 00:18:43,501
And, uh, in terms of, like, you and
me.

342
00:18:43,501 --> 00:18:46,781
Yeah, I just don't know
if I'm equipped for this content.

343
00:18:46,781 --> 00:18:48,461
You and Meg...

344
00:18:48,461 --> 00:18:51,021
It's just, I'm an emotional invalid

345
00:18:51,021 --> 00:18:55,421
and this here seems like some pretty
harsh psychological terrain.

346
00:18:55,421 --> 00:18:59,461
Sort of like a psychosexual Mordor
but it's been super fun.

347
00:19:01,221 --> 00:19:07,461
Oh.  Oh.  Oh, sorry.  Nice mallet.
Yeah, it's for the tent.

348
00:19:07,461 --> 00:19:10,221
Also to use as a cosh in case you
turned out to be some

349
00:19:10,221 --> 00:19:11,741
sort of berserk pervert.  Oh!

350
00:19:11,741 --> 00:19:17,101
That's so weird. I actually had
a lampshade ready for you. Donk!

351
00:19:17,101 --> 00:19:21,461
Oh, my god!  Yeah.  We were both
totally ready to slay each other.

352
00:19:23,421 --> 00:19:30,461
Going forward, um, would it be OK
if I called you my ex-girlfriend?

353
00:19:32,341 --> 00:19:33,541
Oh, uh...

354
00:19:34,701 --> 00:19:38,501
I guess that would be fine.
OK then, great.

355
00:19:38,501 --> 00:19:41,541
TEXT MESSAGE NOTIFICATION
Will do.

356
00:19:41,541 --> 00:19:43,061
Arriving now.

357
00:19:43,061 --> 00:19:47,221
Great, one minute early.
Fucked by the algorithm once again.

358
00:19:47,221 --> 00:19:48,581
Yeah. Um...

359
00:19:53,461 --> 00:19:56,301
Bye, then, waving guy.

360
00:19:56,301 --> 00:19:57,541
Bye.

361
00:20:04,821 --> 00:20:06,941
USMAN:  My God, I've just
rubbed my wife's back

362
00:20:06,941 --> 00:20:08,941
so hard I've given myself thumb
cramps.

363
00:20:08,941 --> 00:20:11,301
I was taking a 40 minute
comfort break.

364
00:20:11,301 --> 00:20:13,701
Usman, don't you think
you should be in there with her?

365
00:20:13,701 --> 00:20:16,461
Well, in a very real way,
I already am.

366
00:20:16,461 --> 00:20:20,021
I rigged up a pillow with
a Bluetooth speaker inside it and

367
00:20:20,021 --> 00:20:23,581
I've recorded over 60 unique phrases
which are playing on shuffle.

368
00:20:23,581 --> 00:20:24,821
"Push, honey."

369
00:20:24,821 --> 00:20:26,301
"You're doing great."

370
00:20:26,301 --> 00:20:27,821
HE GASPS
"I can see the head!"

371
00:20:27,821 --> 00:20:30,381
So where are we on the mission?
You know what, Usman?

372
00:20:30,381 --> 00:20:34,181
I've turned a blind eye more times
than I can remember.

373
00:20:34,181 --> 00:20:36,461
I mean, that time you
logged on from the vestibule

374
00:20:36,461 --> 00:20:38,541
at your cousin's memorial service.

375
00:20:38,541 --> 00:20:41,981
No, shut down the laptop,
get back in there or, God help me,

376
00:20:41,981 --> 00:20:43,341
I will smite you down myself.

377
00:20:43,341 --> 00:20:45,501
What am I doing?

378
00:20:45,501 --> 00:20:49,781
I'm about to become a father
for the third time and, look at me,

379
00:20:49,781 --> 00:20:53,141
hiding by the dialysis clinic
and meanwhile my beautiful wife

380
00:20:53,141 --> 00:20:56,621
is being serviced by a desk fan
and a talking pillow.

381
00:20:56,621 --> 00:20:59,941
No, I'm out of here! Meg, thank you,
but you are on your own.

382
00:21:02,261 --> 00:21:06,101
MOBILE RINGS

383
00:21:07,261 --> 00:21:11,501
Hello?
ALISON CRYING

384
00:21:11,501 --> 00:21:15,581
OK. Alison, slow down.
Jay just broke up with me!

385
00:21:17,421 --> 00:21:18,501
Nicky!

386
00:21:24,181 --> 00:21:27,781
Go and ask her if she's OK.
I can't ask her if she's OK, Meg.

387
00:21:27,781 --> 00:21:31,621
I'm visibly making the tea.
I'm visibly making the tea.

388
00:21:31,621 --> 00:21:33,541
Nicky...

389
00:21:33,541 --> 00:21:34,901
Fine then, Nicky!

390
00:21:41,821 --> 00:21:46,141
Are you OK, mate?  No, I don't...
I don't want to talk about it.

391
00:21:46,141 --> 00:21:47,381
I just want to get drunk.

392
00:21:47,381 --> 00:21:49,621
Just anything to stop
myself from thinking.

393
00:21:52,821 --> 00:21:57,421
I mean...
if it's mindlessness you're after.

394
00:21:58,781 --> 00:22:03,541
Here comes the pain train,
motherfuckers!

395
00:22:03,541 --> 00:22:07,581
Alison, Alison, Alison!
They are all dead, Alison.

396
00:22:09,061 --> 00:22:12,861
Oh, sorry.
I'm just getting used to it.

397
00:22:12,861 --> 00:22:14,181
RUSSELL:  Hey, guys. What did I miss?

398
00:22:14,181 --> 00:22:17,381
Oh, my God, Russell. Please tell me
you made it out of Annette's.

399
00:22:17,381 --> 00:22:20,021
Yeah, because guess what,
one of my friends from the game

400
00:22:20,021 --> 00:22:24,021
offered me a place to stay
so I just got on the next plane.

401
00:22:24,021 --> 00:22:25,741
Sorry, you got on a plane?

402
00:22:25,741 --> 00:22:30,421
Yeah...to the Philippines.
I've moved to the Philippines!

403
00:22:30,421 --> 00:22:32,421
I've really landed on my feet
this time.

404
00:22:32,421 --> 00:22:34,101
Russell, get me
a can of Mountain Dew

405
00:22:34,101 --> 00:22:36,421
and angle the desk fan
towards my arse crack.

406
00:22:41,901 --> 00:22:46,501
HE SINGS TO HIMSELF

407
00:22:46,501 --> 00:22:47,541
Shut up.

408
00:22:50,061 --> 00:22:52,941
NICKY:  We did it. We finally did it.

409
00:22:55,301 --> 00:22:58,701
Finally.  Mama, Papa!

410
00:22:59,661 --> 00:23:02,221
He's home.  Back where he belongs.

411
00:23:08,821 --> 00:23:11,101
Oh, my God. Is Kingdom Scrolls
usually this emotional?

412
00:23:11,101 --> 00:23:13,341
Alison, do you honestly think
I would play it

413
00:23:13,341 --> 00:23:14,701
if it was as heart-stirring as this?

414
00:23:18,621 --> 00:23:21,181
So what's next? Another cy-mish?

415
00:23:21,181 --> 00:23:24,661
Bring it on. I never want to
leave the flat again.

416
00:23:26,421 --> 00:23:30,981
I have waited for you to say those
words my entire adult life, Alison.

417
00:23:30,981 --> 00:23:35,901
Guys, I have an announcement to make
and it's pretty damn huge.

418
00:23:37,701 --> 00:23:40,021
It's going mobile.

419
00:23:40,021 --> 00:23:42,181
They just announced
Kingdom Scrolls Go

420
00:23:42,181 --> 00:23:43,541
for iPhone and Android!

421
00:23:47,821 --> 00:23:49,821
# Kingdoms Scrolls

422
00:23:49,821 --> 00:23:52,941
# It's fun for young and old

423
00:23:52,941 --> 00:23:55,421
# We come to fight for gold

424
00:23:55,421 --> 00:23:58,901
# An experience board

425
00:23:58,901 --> 00:24:01,301
# Kingdoms Scrolls

426
00:24:01,301 --> 00:24:03,701
# I love thee, Kingdoms Scrolls

427
00:24:03,701 --> 00:24:06,381
# Just like... #

428
00:24:22,541 --> 00:24:26,581
Subtitles by Red Bee Media