1
00:00:25,191 --> 00:00:29,446
You think he's gonna propose?
Ugh, what a bummer.
2
00:00:30,989 --> 00:00:32,991
Okay, yeah. I'll talk to you later.
3
00:00:36,995 --> 00:00:37,995
Hey.
4
00:00:38,663 --> 00:00:40,540
Welcome to yesterday.
5
00:00:42,125 --> 00:00:45,587
I'm so glad you made it. And
look at that, great posture.
6
00:00:45,670 --> 00:00:46,796
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
7
00:00:46,880 --> 00:00:48,840
Not a lot of people at
this party can say that.
8
00:00:49,632 --> 00:00:52,260
- Come on, I'll show you around.
- It's a cool place.
9
00:00:55,730 --> 00:00:58,360
- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.addic7ed.com --
10
00:00:58,892 --> 00:01:01,978
♪ I've got the strength ♪
♪ But you feel it, oh ♪
11
00:01:02,062 --> 00:01:03,897
Why do you think this
is happening to us?
12
00:01:04,939 --> 00:01:07,776
I'm... I'm pretty sure that
it's purgatorial punishment
13
00:01:07,859 --> 00:01:09,736
for being a bad person.
14
00:01:11,321 --> 00:01:12,947
What is this bad person?
15
00:01:13,030 --> 00:01:14,679
I mean, you know, there's Hitler
16
00:01:14,680 --> 00:01:16,920
and then there's, uh, everybody else.
17
00:01:16,993 --> 00:01:19,621
Even Wile E. Coyote.
18
00:01:19,704 --> 00:01:22,165
Yeah, he's out there. He's
looking for a hot meal.
19
00:01:24,000 --> 00:01:25,627
- Are you having a stroke?
- No. Uh...
20
00:01:26,211 --> 00:01:28,546
That guy that Beatrice cheated
on me with, he's here.
21
00:01:28,630 --> 00:01:31,424
- Don't look.
- Just take it easy, all right?
22
00:01:31,508 --> 00:01:35,011
Point him out later, and I'll
bust his fucking knee caps, okay?
23
00:01:35,090 --> 00:01:37,659
But for now, you and me
got bigger fish to fry.
24
00:01:37,660 --> 00:01:39,200
Life and death stuff, huh.
25
00:01:41,726 --> 00:01:43,520
- Geez.
- Eh.
26
00:01:44,145 --> 00:01:45,230
What is that?
27
00:01:45,313 --> 00:01:48,691
My new theory is that it's an
incredibly dense gravitational field
28
00:01:48,775 --> 00:01:52,320
that's gaining consciousness and is
now deliberately fucking with us.
29
00:01:53,238 --> 00:01:56,116
Kind of the black hole meets
They Shoot Horses, Don't They?
30
00:01:56,199 --> 00:01:58,827
Yeah, my bathroom doesn't
have a black hole, so...
31
00:01:58,910 --> 00:02:01,955
This isn't gonna be very fun if
you keep rejecting my theories.
32
00:02:01,960 --> 00:02:02,990
You rejected mine.
33
00:02:03,039 --> 00:02:05,667
Yeah, because it was morally
simplistic and narcissistic.
34
00:02:05,750 --> 00:02:09,838
I mean, the universe is moral, but
it shares your views on morality.
35
00:02:15,009 --> 00:02:16,177
We'll try your way.
36
00:02:17,670 --> 00:02:18,680
Oh, great.
37
00:02:18,690 --> 00:02:20,682
- What were you doing in there?
- Who is this guy?
38
00:02:20,760 --> 00:02:22,499
Uh, have I ever done anything, you know,
39
00:02:22,500 --> 00:02:24,999
memorably bad to either of you?
40
00:02:25,000 --> 00:02:28,100
Yeah, you said I shouldn't adopt
those two Neapolitan mastiff puppies
41
00:02:28,189 --> 00:02:29,274
'cause I have a small space,
42
00:02:29,357 --> 00:02:31,943
but they needed a home and I
could've made some changes.
43
00:02:32,026 --> 00:02:33,736
Okay. Do you want to get in on this?
44
00:02:33,820 --> 00:02:35,659
Oh, no, no. I love that you're a cunt.
45
00:02:35,660 --> 00:02:37,660
It makes me feel morally superior.
46
00:02:37,782 --> 00:02:39,951
Okay, that's a good way
to not judge people.
47
00:02:40,380 --> 00:02:41,480
Is there anything else?
48
00:02:41,500 --> 00:02:42,580
- Yeah.
- Who?
49
00:02:42,590 --> 00:02:43,600
- Gina.
- Okay.
50
00:02:43,610 --> 00:02:45,339
When you said Gina
wasn't really my type,
51
00:02:45,340 --> 00:02:46,874
I really took that to heart.
52
00:02:46,875 --> 00:02:49,627
I mean, if it weren't for you, I'd
be married. I'd be living upstate.
53
00:02:49,711 --> 00:02:52,839
I'd be raising two mastiffs. I'd
have a completely different life.
54
00:02:52,922 --> 00:02:55,800
- Shall we open it up to the group?
- Yeah, that's a great idea.
55
00:02:55,884 --> 00:02:58,136
Okay, okay. No problem.
56
00:02:58,970 --> 00:02:59,971
Ding dong.
57
00:03:00,972 --> 00:03:03,266
Gather 'round, gather 'round.
58
00:03:03,349 --> 00:03:07,228
Great to see you and you
and also you. Okay, so hi.
59
00:03:07,312 --> 00:03:08,563
Me from the party.
60
00:03:08,646 --> 00:03:10,273
I just want to say...
61
00:03:10,815 --> 00:03:15,570
thank you all so much for
coming to celebrate tonight.
62
00:03:15,653 --> 00:03:16,905
What good people. Uh...
63
00:03:16,988 --> 00:03:18,281
It means a lot to me,
64
00:03:18,364 --> 00:03:21,367
and something else that
also means a lot to me
65
00:03:21,451 --> 00:03:25,872
would be if you would tell me
if you think I'm a bad person,
66
00:03:25,955 --> 00:03:29,250
or maybe I've committed
some serious misdeeds,
67
00:03:29,334 --> 00:03:32,045
and you could come and talk
to me about that tonight
68
00:03:32,128 --> 00:03:34,172
would be super fucking hot. Okay?
69
00:03:34,255 --> 00:03:38,468
For my birthday, tell
me if I'm a bad person.
70
00:03:38,500 --> 00:03:39,509
Okay, cool.
71
00:03:39,510 --> 00:03:42,180
- Uh, thank you so much, Nadia.
- Thank you.
72
00:03:42,263 --> 00:03:45,099
I would like to dedicate this
night to Chong, my uncle,
73
00:03:45,183 --> 00:03:47,644
who also had a hard
time saying thank you.
74
00:03:49,440 --> 00:03:50,460
To Chong.
75
00:03:50,521 --> 00:03:52,941
- Love you, Chung.
- Chong.
76
00:03:53,024 --> 00:03:54,359
- Chong.
- Chong. Chong.
77
00:03:58,988 --> 00:04:00,406
This is why she's acting like this.
78
00:04:02,960 --> 00:04:03,970
Okay, check it out.
79
00:04:03,993 --> 00:04:06,496
I gave everybody here an opportunity
to tell me I'm a bad person.
80
00:04:06,579 --> 00:04:11,042
Nobody did it because I fucking
rule, so... there goes your theory.
81
00:04:11,125 --> 00:04:12,877
- Hey.
- Hey.
82
00:04:12,890 --> 00:04:13,910
It's been a while.
83
00:04:13,962 --> 00:04:15,672
Yeah, I guess for you it has, huh?
84
00:04:15,755 --> 00:04:17,548
You look... You look real fantastic.
85
00:04:17,632 --> 00:04:19,217
Well, I wear the same
thing all the time.
86
00:04:19,280 --> 00:04:20,290
Hey, man.
87
00:04:20,300 --> 00:04:21,880
- Hey.
- I'm John.
88
00:04:21,890 --> 00:04:22,929
Oh, this is Alan.
89
00:04:22,960 --> 00:04:24,399
He's basically a child
90
00:04:24,400 --> 00:04:26,660
that the universe has
tasked me with babysitting.
91
00:04:26,680 --> 00:04:28,340
Would you say that's a fair assessment?
92
00:04:28,360 --> 00:04:29,720
- Sure.
- Uh...
93
00:04:30,311 --> 00:04:32,397
Speaking of kids, how's Lucy?
94
00:04:32,480 --> 00:04:34,899
She's doing great. She just won
the Gwendolyn Brooks prize
95
00:04:34,983 --> 00:04:36,734
for her poem on the Statue of Liberty.
96
00:04:36,818 --> 00:04:39,195
That is great. Lucy is great.
97
00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:40,947
John and I were a thing for a year.
98
00:04:41,030 --> 00:04:43,366
How do you know she's
great? You never met her.
99
00:04:43,866 --> 00:04:46,077
I mean, you were supposed to
meet her, but you backed out.
100
00:04:46,160 --> 00:04:47,287
She backed out, new guy.
101
00:04:47,370 --> 00:04:49,497
I had every intention of
meeting her, all right?
102
00:04:49,580 --> 00:04:52,375
I just, uh... overslept.
103
00:04:52,458 --> 00:04:56,337
I even had a book I was gonna
give her. Emily of New Moon.
104
00:04:56,421 --> 00:04:57,422
I love that book.
105
00:04:57,505 --> 00:04:59,048
Why'd you even bring her up though?
106
00:04:59,132 --> 00:05:01,342
You're supposed to ask people
about their kids. Okay?
107
00:05:01,420 --> 00:05:03,259
It's polite. It gives everybody a moment
108
00:05:03,260 --> 00:05:04,600
to pretend there's gonna be a future.
109
00:05:04,679 --> 00:05:06,472
- I'm gonna get a seltzer.
- Okay.
110
00:05:06,556 --> 00:05:08,641
Oh, hey, they have alcohol
over there too, so...
111
00:05:08,725 --> 00:05:10,143
No, no, no, no, no. That's his deal.
112
00:05:10,226 --> 00:05:12,729
He's like sober, white-knuckling
it so he doesn't drink.
113
00:05:12,812 --> 00:05:14,063
That's why he's such an asshole.
114
00:05:14,147 --> 00:05:16,524
Oh, I thought it was because
you were pissing him off.
115
00:05:16,607 --> 00:05:20,028
Alan, sexualizing self-hatred is
the hallmark of any relationship
116
00:05:20,111 --> 00:05:21,904
that begins with
extra-marital infidelity.
117
00:05:21,980 --> 00:05:23,939
You skipped out on meeting his daughter
118
00:05:23,940 --> 00:05:26,000
and you broke up his marriage?
119
00:05:32,707 --> 00:05:35,168
With the amount of guilt, I'm
surprised you're not a Jew.
120
00:05:36,294 --> 00:05:37,294
Thanks, man.
121
00:05:44,218 --> 00:05:46,179
- What?
- Let's do it.
122
00:05:47,221 --> 00:05:48,348
Let's meet Lucy.
123
00:05:49,390 --> 00:05:51,642
I wanted you to meet her
when we were together.
124
00:05:52,226 --> 00:05:53,226
Please?
125
00:05:54,440 --> 00:05:55,480
Okay.
126
00:05:55,897 --> 00:05:58,399
I have breakfast with her
every Monday and Friday.
127
00:05:58,858 --> 00:05:59,984
Tomorrow morning then.
128
00:06:06,115 --> 00:06:07,115
Thank you.
129
00:06:08,326 --> 00:06:10,745
I think there's a lot
of merit in copying.
130
00:06:10,828 --> 00:06:13,289
I'm interested in
plagiarism as an art form.
131
00:06:13,373 --> 00:06:15,166
But haven't you wondered why visual art
132
00:06:15,249 --> 00:06:17,835
no longer carries the
weight it did 30 years ago?
133
00:06:17,919 --> 00:06:20,421
- I've literally never wondered that.
- The internet.
134
00:06:21,631 --> 00:06:22,715
AIDS.
135
00:06:23,920 --> 00:06:25,659
The AIDS crisis, it wiped out
136
00:06:25,660 --> 00:06:28,760
nearly every meaningful
critical voice in every medium.
137
00:06:28,840 --> 00:06:32,280
So now, the artist's intention is buried
138
00:06:32,320 --> 00:06:35,240
in a sea of likes and thumbs up.
139
00:06:35,260 --> 00:06:37,355
But if the intention's still there...
140
00:06:37,438 --> 00:06:39,690
If it's clear, it doesn't
matter what the critic thinks.
141
00:06:39,774 --> 00:06:41,150
What are you, a collector?
142
00:06:41,234 --> 00:06:42,735
I don't really understand art.
143
00:06:42,810 --> 00:06:43,919
My dad used to say that I don't have
144
00:06:43,920 --> 00:06:45,780
a single creative bone in my body.
145
00:06:45,863 --> 00:06:47,532
So we're talking about your dad now.
146
00:06:47,615 --> 00:06:49,450
I'm really into dads.
147
00:06:50,243 --> 00:06:52,203
- I'm a dad.
- Ah.
148
00:06:52,745 --> 00:06:54,914
- You want a refill?
- Yes, Dad.
149
00:06:55,665 --> 00:06:57,208
You keep that, I'll get another one.
150
00:07:03,047 --> 00:07:04,674
I'm not really good at this stuff.
151
00:07:04,757 --> 00:07:06,926
You seem to be so
comfortable with yourself.
152
00:07:07,009 --> 00:07:08,219
Bringing up AIDS at a party.
153
00:07:08,302 --> 00:07:10,462
I'd never have the balls to do that.
154
00:07:11,431 --> 00:07:13,099
Is that what she likes about you?
155
00:07:13,933 --> 00:07:14,976
I'll tell you what.
156
00:07:16,018 --> 00:07:18,396
If you would politely excuse yourself...
157
00:07:19,147 --> 00:07:20,648
I might be able to find out.
158
00:07:22,000 --> 00:07:23,170
Thank you.
159
00:07:41,711 --> 00:07:43,421
Pancake breakfasts...
160
00:07:43,504 --> 00:07:44,797
private cars...
161
00:07:45,170 --> 00:07:47,059
You know, all my mother gave me
162
00:07:47,060 --> 00:07:49,940
was a subway token and
an eating disorder.
163
00:07:50,636 --> 00:07:51,721
You're a good dad.
164
00:07:52,513 --> 00:07:53,764
She's gonna be great.
165
00:07:54,265 --> 00:07:56,225
But, you know, it's a tricky age.
166
00:07:57,101 --> 00:07:58,519
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
167
00:07:59,020 --> 00:08:01,981
I was right about that age when
life stopped making sense.
168
00:08:02,060 --> 00:08:03,919
Hey, all I wanted to
do was be left alone,
169
00:08:03,920 --> 00:08:05,920
hole up with books all day.
170
00:08:05,930 --> 00:08:06,940
Man, you know what?
171
00:08:06,986 --> 00:08:09,155
I still got Emily of New
Moon at Ruth's house.
172
00:08:09,238 --> 00:08:12,366
I think I should just go grab
it and give it to her. Ah?
173
00:08:12,450 --> 00:08:14,744
It's late. How about we give
it to her another time?
174
00:08:14,827 --> 00:08:16,579
Come on, man. I'd like to do it tonight.
175
00:08:31,469 --> 00:08:34,555
She's just fucking everybody,
and I'm watching like an idiot.
176
00:08:45,107 --> 00:08:46,107
Sorry.
177
00:08:47,068 --> 00:08:48,152
What time is it?
178
00:08:48,236 --> 00:08:49,529
Uh, 6:00 a.m.
179
00:08:50,279 --> 00:08:51,364
Oh, my gosh.
180
00:08:51,447 --> 00:08:54,158
I'm gonna go to Ruth's and get
that book for Lucy, okay?
181
00:08:54,242 --> 00:08:56,452
- I'll see you at breakfast.
- Okay, babe.
182
00:08:58,680 --> 00:08:59,700
You okay?
183
00:08:59,747 --> 00:09:01,958
My bones hurt every morning.
184
00:09:02,500 --> 00:09:04,585
You should get checked for Lyme disease.
185
00:09:47,086 --> 00:09:48,129
Damn it.
186
00:09:50,006 --> 00:09:51,006
God.
187
00:09:54,343 --> 00:09:56,721
- Hey, did you find it?
- Yes.
188
00:09:58,347 --> 00:10:00,719
Way in the back of the armoire.
189
00:10:00,720 --> 00:10:01,729
Ooh.
190
00:10:01,730 --> 00:10:03,686
Ah, thank you.
191
00:10:03,769 --> 00:10:04,937
Okay.
192
00:10:05,479 --> 00:10:07,690
You know I keep all your stuff.
193
00:10:07,773 --> 00:10:11,861
I even have the Valentine's Day
card you made me in fourth grade.
194
00:10:11,944 --> 00:10:15,281
I mean, your mother was a little
unstable around that time,
195
00:10:15,364 --> 00:10:17,533
and oh, I told her, I told her,
196
00:10:17,617 --> 00:10:20,786
I'm not trying to replace anyone.
197
00:10:20,870 --> 00:10:22,830
I'm just trying to be here
198
00:10:22,913 --> 00:10:25,875
for a little girl who
could use a little help.
199
00:10:27,043 --> 00:10:29,999
It was the decent thing to do.
200
00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:31,010
Sure.
201
00:10:31,339 --> 00:10:33,674
Oh, oh, oh. Did you lock
the door behind you?
202
00:10:33,758 --> 00:10:34,758
Yes, I did.
203
00:10:36,469 --> 00:10:39,680
Hey, Ruth, if you were gonna die today,
204
00:10:39,764 --> 00:10:42,016
would you be ready for it?
205
00:10:42,099 --> 00:10:45,353
Like would you feel at
peace with your life?
206
00:10:45,436 --> 00:10:46,436
Yes and no.
207
00:10:46,979 --> 00:10:49,649
So, how do you get to just yes?
208
00:10:50,100 --> 00:10:51,350
You don't.
209
00:10:51,484 --> 00:10:55,863
See, holding two incompatible ideas
in your head at the same time
210
00:10:55,946 --> 00:10:58,991
and accepting both of them...
211
00:10:59,075 --> 00:11:01,118
that's the best of being human.
212
00:11:02,703 --> 00:11:06,332
Yes, no, good, bad, life, death.
213
00:11:06,415 --> 00:11:08,584
Wax on, wax off.
214
00:11:08,668 --> 00:11:10,670
Tomato, tomato.
215
00:11:10,753 --> 00:11:12,505
- Potato, two potatoes.
- Okay.
216
00:11:12,588 --> 00:11:14,548
- All night, all day.
- Okay, okay, okay.
217
00:11:14,632 --> 00:11:15,883
- Okay, okay.
- Right?
218
00:11:15,966 --> 00:11:17,218
- Okay, okay.
- Come on.
219
00:11:17,301 --> 00:11:19,136
Look. Right now,
220
00:11:19,220 --> 00:11:22,306
I'm looking at you as you are today
221
00:11:22,390 --> 00:11:26,852
while also looking at you as that
peculiar little girl I knew.
222
00:11:29,397 --> 00:11:31,399
Happy Valentine's Day.
223
00:11:31,482 --> 00:11:33,401
Oh! There it is.
224
00:11:33,484 --> 00:11:34,484
Well...
225
00:11:35,277 --> 00:11:36,654
I may not be a mom,
226
00:11:36,737 --> 00:11:39,824
but, hey, damn, I got this.
227
00:11:39,907 --> 00:11:41,158
- Mm-hmm.
- Uh-huh.
228
00:11:41,242 --> 00:11:43,619
Look, she's smoking, like you. Get it?
229
00:11:43,703 --> 00:11:46,163
And St. Valentine was a big smoker.
Everybody knows that.
230
00:11:46,247 --> 00:11:47,331
Oh, yeah.
231
00:11:48,666 --> 00:11:50,167
Fucking bingo.
232
00:11:52,700 --> 00:11:53,760
It's here.
233
00:11:53,790 --> 00:11:55,579
You know, that was written
by the same woman
234
00:11:55,580 --> 00:11:57,257
that wrote Anne of Green Gables.
235
00:11:57,258 --> 00:11:58,280
Yeah, of course.
236
00:11:58,300 --> 00:12:00,636
Everybody loves Anne,
237
00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:03,431
but I like Emily.
238
00:12:03,514 --> 00:12:04,514
She's dark.
239
00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:08,394
- You lock the door behind you?
- Yes.
240
00:12:08,477 --> 00:12:10,438
You already asked me that, Ruthie.
241
00:12:10,521 --> 00:12:13,190
Oh, I know. My memory's slipping.
242
00:12:13,274 --> 00:12:17,153
There's... There's somebody
in the neighborhood.
243
00:12:17,903 --> 00:12:20,781
I am making you tea.
244
00:12:20,865 --> 00:12:23,409
But, personally, I
wouldn't touch the stuff.
245
00:12:23,492 --> 00:12:25,244
"She despised Rhoda...
246
00:12:25,661 --> 00:12:28,038
more than ever for trying
to get back with her."
247
00:12:28,622 --> 00:12:31,250
You know, Rhoda was the cunt
in this story, obviously.
248
00:12:31,333 --> 00:12:32,501
Here we are.
249
00:12:41,802 --> 00:12:43,721
Fucking God damn it, man.
250
00:12:56,650 --> 00:12:58,444
- Gas explosion.
- Bike accident.
251
00:12:58,527 --> 00:13:00,404
Listen, I know you think
I'm a moral narcissist,
252
00:13:00,488 --> 00:13:02,406
but there are good guys and bad guys.
253
00:13:02,490 --> 00:13:04,366
And I am definitely a good guy.
254
00:13:04,950 --> 00:13:06,994
And that piece of shit, he...
255
00:13:07,953 --> 00:13:09,288
he is a bad guy.
256
00:13:09,371 --> 00:13:12,958
Okay, so then why are you
the one in purgatory?
257
00:13:14,251 --> 00:13:16,462
Hey, happy birthday.
258
00:13:16,545 --> 00:13:17,630
John.
259
00:13:18,130 --> 00:13:19,548
Quelle surprise.
260
00:13:19,632 --> 00:13:21,801
So, listen. Uh, remember
when I stood up Lucy
261
00:13:21,884 --> 00:13:23,761
and you've been secretly
resenting me ever since?
262
00:13:23,844 --> 00:13:25,971
Let's take her to breakfast
tomorrow morning,
263
00:13:26,055 --> 00:13:28,390
make everything kosher copacetic, okay?
264
00:13:28,474 --> 00:13:31,310
We can go to my place.
265
00:13:32,102 --> 00:13:33,813
Let's take the fire escape.
266
00:13:35,250 --> 00:13:36,357
It'll be fun.
267
00:13:36,440 --> 00:13:38,317
What's that?
268
00:13:38,400 --> 00:13:39,735
- Come on.
- Whoa.
269
00:13:40,820 --> 00:13:43,030
You gotta stop getting
so worked up over him.
270
00:13:43,113 --> 00:13:45,324
You've spent enough time
on this guy already.
271
00:13:45,908 --> 00:13:47,701
I know it's a bummer, but come on.
272
00:13:47,785 --> 00:13:48,786
Oh, yeah.
273
00:13:49,829 --> 00:13:50,913
Yeah, it is a bummer.
274
00:13:50,996 --> 00:13:52,790
It is a bummer for everybody involved,
275
00:13:52,873 --> 00:13:54,250
except, it seems, to be for you,
276
00:13:54,333 --> 00:13:56,001
which, you know, doesn't make any sense,
277
00:13:56,085 --> 00:13:59,088
because if anybody
deserves to be punished
278
00:13:59,171 --> 00:14:01,340
for the rest of their
fucking life, it is you.
279
00:14:01,423 --> 00:14:03,133
You are fucking garbage,
280
00:14:03,217 --> 00:14:05,010
and someone needs to bag you up,
281
00:14:05,094 --> 00:14:07,555
take you outside, throw
you into the East River,
282
00:14:07,638 --> 00:14:10,432
and put everyone who can
smell your fucking stench
283
00:14:10,516 --> 00:14:12,309
out of their goddamn misery!
284
00:14:12,310 --> 00:14:13,310
God!
285
00:14:13,311 --> 00:14:14,770
Hey, hey, hey! Hey, hey!
286
00:14:14,854 --> 00:14:16,856
- Yeah!
- Hey, hey, hey! Hey, hey, hey!
287
00:14:17,356 --> 00:14:20,192
I don't know who the fuck you are,
I don't know what's going on here,
288
00:14:20,270 --> 00:14:21,739
but either you two suck
each other's dicks
289
00:14:21,740 --> 00:14:23,280
or get out of my apartment.
290
00:14:24,196 --> 00:14:25,823
Okay? Come on.
291
00:14:28,909 --> 00:14:30,536
I'm not sucking anybody's dick.
292
00:14:31,954 --> 00:14:33,664
Bea, he's a sex addict.
293
00:14:33,740 --> 00:14:35,139
- Who?
- Michael. Mike.
294
00:14:35,140 --> 00:14:36,600
Your Mike. Your Michael.
295
00:14:36,620 --> 00:14:38,799
Alan, you're so fucking drunk right now.
296
00:14:38,800 --> 00:14:40,120
I'm not gonna do this with you.
297
00:14:40,140 --> 00:14:43,090
- I am not, okay?
- Bea, he's a sex addict.
298
00:14:43,173 --> 00:14:45,759
Don't bother calling me back,
'cause you're not gonna be sober.
299
00:14:45,843 --> 00:14:47,136
- You need help.
- Please, Bea.
300
00:15:02,318 --> 00:15:04,320
- Gas explosion again.
- Again?
301
00:15:05,070 --> 00:15:06,113
I get hit by a car.
302
00:15:06,196 --> 00:15:07,406
Oh, classic.
303
00:15:07,440 --> 00:15:08,470
Hey, wait a second.
304
00:15:08,532 --> 00:15:11,160
Are you telling me that you're
never dying on the stairs?
305
00:15:11,243 --> 00:15:12,494
No.
306
00:15:12,578 --> 00:15:15,539
Are you some kind of a fucking
superhero or just a...
307
00:15:15,623 --> 00:15:17,583
Do you think that we're
dying at the same time?
308
00:15:17,666 --> 00:15:19,668
Hey, happy birthday.
309
00:15:20,794 --> 00:15:21,794
Give me one second.
310
00:15:34,892 --> 00:15:38,103
- Up with Susan?
- Yeah, 'cause she was like doing that.
311
00:15:38,187 --> 00:15:40,981
- What?
- She was choking her during sex.
312
00:15:40,982 --> 00:15:41,989
Oh!
313
00:15:41,990 --> 00:15:44,026
Yeah, she's a choker and shit.
314
00:15:44,109 --> 00:15:45,109
Yeah.
315
00:15:45,653 --> 00:15:46,654
It's kind of hot.
316
00:15:46,737 --> 00:15:49,281
I mean, it is kind of hot, but
then the stalking started.
317
00:15:49,365 --> 00:15:50,950
- That's not hot.
- Yeah.
318
00:15:53,243 --> 00:15:56,246
This guy's been following
us for like five blocks.
319
00:15:58,248 --> 00:16:00,501
What the hell are you even...
320
00:16:00,584 --> 00:16:02,211
Back the fuck up, motherfucker!
321
00:16:02,220 --> 00:16:03,999
I said back the fuck up, motherfucker!
322
00:16:04,000 --> 00:16:06,980
Back the fuck up, motherfucker! Back up!
323
00:16:07,049 --> 00:16:08,676
Let's go! Let's go!
324
00:16:19,478 --> 00:16:21,355
Three-one-one, you guys rock.
325
00:16:21,438 --> 00:16:24,316
Listen, uh, I'd like
to report a gas leak.
326
00:16:25,734 --> 00:16:26,734
Yeah.
327
00:16:27,152 --> 00:16:28,278
Yes, it is urgent.
328
00:16:28,540 --> 00:16:29,580
Uh-huh.
329
00:16:29,613 --> 00:16:32,282
You know, it's a big-time
fucking emergency, actually.
330
00:16:54,680 --> 00:16:55,681
Nadia!
331
00:16:56,724 --> 00:16:58,851
Oh, God. Look at me. Look at...
332
00:16:58,934 --> 00:17:01,145
Oh! Nadia, no! Honey, please!
333
00:17:01,228 --> 00:17:03,772
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
334
00:17:03,856 --> 00:17:05,399
I thought it was a burglar.
335
00:17:05,482 --> 00:17:08,944
They've been saying there's
somebody in the neighborhood.
336
00:17:17,494 --> 00:17:18,495
Fuck.
337
00:17:20,789 --> 00:17:22,082
Oh, fuck.
338
00:17:25,961 --> 00:17:27,171
Fuck.
339
00:17:50,611 --> 00:17:52,446
You think he's gonna propose?
340
00:17:53,113 --> 00:17:54,239
That's a bummer.
341
00:17:56,784 --> 00:17:57,784
Yeah.
342
00:17:59,244 --> 00:18:00,370
That's right.
343
00:18:00,454 --> 00:18:01,955
Hi. I'm Alan.
344
00:18:03,457 --> 00:18:05,959
- Yeah, I'm on the phone.
- Yeah, with my girlfriend.
345
00:18:06,543 --> 00:18:07,543
Beatrice.
346
00:18:08,295 --> 00:18:11,298
Bea, uh... I'm gonna...
I'm gonna call you back.
347
00:18:13,050 --> 00:18:14,760
- Listen.
- Why you?
348
00:18:15,427 --> 00:18:16,637
Why me what?
349
00:18:16,720 --> 00:18:17,750
Bea.
350
00:18:18,013 --> 00:18:21,100
She chose you, and you don't
love her. You're not faithful.
351
00:18:21,767 --> 00:18:22,976
You never get punished.
352
00:18:23,352 --> 00:18:24,352
So why you?
353
00:18:25,729 --> 00:18:27,731
She didn't choose me, Alan.
354
00:18:29,066 --> 00:18:31,860
The only choice she made was not you.
355
00:18:32,778 --> 00:18:34,321
Nobody chooses me.
356
00:18:36,448 --> 00:18:38,367
I'm the hole where a choice should be.
357
00:18:43,747 --> 00:18:45,207
Oh, God. Alan.
358
00:18:45,290 --> 00:18:47,084
I had a mace-induced asthma attack. You?
359
00:18:47,167 --> 00:18:50,087
What if they keep going?
360
00:18:50,504 --> 00:18:53,006
- Who? Who keeps going?
- Them.
361
00:18:53,549 --> 00:18:55,467
I mean, everyone who's not us.
362
00:18:55,551 --> 00:18:58,178
All right, I thought that
what was happening to us
363
00:18:58,262 --> 00:19:00,013
wasn't hurting anybody else, but...
364
00:19:00,556 --> 00:19:03,267
... I mean, they're all in it, too.
365
00:19:03,350 --> 00:19:04,370
What?
366
00:19:04,393 --> 00:19:07,396
Fifteen times, Ruth has grieved for me.
367
00:19:07,479 --> 00:19:11,608
In 15 universes, she's alone.
368
00:19:11,692 --> 00:19:14,403
Wait. It's 15 for you,
too? Did you count?
369
00:19:14,486 --> 00:19:16,155
I know how to count, Alan.
370
00:19:16,655 --> 00:19:18,407
Hey, happy birthday.
371
00:19:18,490 --> 00:19:20,576
Hey. Okay, listen to me.
372
00:19:20,659 --> 00:19:24,496
We are leaving, and I am
not going to get the book.
373
00:19:24,580 --> 00:19:28,625
I'm going to tell your daughter
about Emily of New Moon.
374
00:19:29,459 --> 00:19:30,586
- Understand?
- Yeah.
375
00:19:30,669 --> 00:19:32,004
- Can you help me with this?
- Sure.
376
00:19:32,087 --> 00:19:33,463
Sorry, I gotta make a call.
377
00:19:36,633 --> 00:19:39,219
- What the fuck?
- Oh, my God.
378
00:19:41,180 --> 00:19:42,556
You want me to feel guilty?
379
00:19:43,000 --> 00:19:44,057
Well, I don't.
380
00:19:44,474 --> 00:19:47,227
I am not Beatrice's boyfriend.
That was your job.
381
00:19:47,311 --> 00:19:49,605
Look, I know it's not
up to me to punish you.
382
00:19:50,105 --> 00:19:52,024
But I don't have to
make this easy for you.
383
00:19:52,107 --> 00:19:54,067
Who is Beatrice? You
know what? I don't care.
384
00:19:54,151 --> 00:19:57,571
Listen, I have an early flight
to Sweden in the morning,
385
00:19:57,654 --> 00:19:59,781
so you need to get out
so I can get it in.
386
00:20:01,033 --> 00:20:02,033
Whatever.
387
00:20:03,285 --> 00:20:05,454
If it wasn't you, it would
be some other woman.
388
00:20:05,537 --> 00:20:06,997
Do I look like I care?
389
00:20:07,080 --> 00:20:08,739
I... I wasn't trying
to insult you, ma'am.
390
00:20:08,740 --> 00:20:09,980
Fuck you.
391
00:20:14,046 --> 00:20:16,298
She told me all about you, you know?
392
00:20:16,840 --> 00:20:18,439
That you have mental problems,
393
00:20:18,440 --> 00:20:20,660
that you're sick and you won't get help,
394
00:20:20,761 --> 00:20:22,179
and she couldn't break up with you
395
00:20:22,262 --> 00:20:24,264
because she was afraid
you would do something.
396
00:20:24,348 --> 00:20:25,974
She calls you the gingerbread man.
397
00:20:27,017 --> 00:20:28,894
She can call me whatever she wants.
398
00:21:02,469 --> 00:21:03,720
I'll be right back, okay?
399
00:21:10,310 --> 00:21:11,310
There she is.
400
00:21:12,104 --> 00:21:13,104
John, man.
401
00:21:19,945 --> 00:21:21,530
This kid just gave me the finger.
402
00:21:22,823 --> 00:21:24,032
She's perfect.
403
00:21:25,158 --> 00:21:27,202
Luce, say hi.
404
00:21:28,745 --> 00:21:30,330
Say hi, baby. Say hi.
405
00:21:30,872 --> 00:21:32,082
Pancake time.
406
00:21:32,541 --> 00:21:33,792
Okay, John.
407
00:21:35,294 --> 00:21:37,004
- Be careful.
- With what?
408
00:21:39,464 --> 00:21:40,464
What's wrong?
409
00:21:42,134 --> 00:21:43,719
I'm sorry, I can't do this.
410
00:21:44,303 --> 00:21:45,887
- Do what?
- I can't meet her.
411
00:21:45,971 --> 00:21:47,289
I could die in front of her, John.
412
00:21:47,290 --> 00:21:48,300
- Die?
- Yes.
413
00:21:48,307 --> 00:21:50,726
- What are you gonna die from?
- I don't know. The grate.
414
00:21:50,809 --> 00:21:54,521
A car could run me over. I
mean, best case scenario, I...
415
00:21:55,439 --> 00:21:57,065
... disappear.
416
00:21:58,108 --> 00:22:00,652
Don't do this. Okay,
please, I'm begging you.
417
00:22:00,660 --> 00:22:01,695
Don't do this to her.
418
00:22:01,778 --> 00:22:04,072
I can't have people coming in
and out of her life like this.
419
00:22:04,156 --> 00:22:06,950
Exactly, all right? I'm not
rejecting her. I'm protecting her.
420
00:22:07,034 --> 00:22:10,120
Don't do this to her, please.
Okay? Don't do it to me.
421
00:22:10,579 --> 00:22:13,040
I'm begging you. I love you.
Please don't do this.
422
00:22:14,249 --> 00:22:15,876
Just come and say hi. Just say hi.
423
00:22:15,959 --> 00:22:18,628
I wish I could. I really do.
424
00:22:18,712 --> 00:22:20,464
I wish I could, okay?
425
00:22:20,547 --> 00:22:22,841
Sorry. I'm sorry about everything.
426
00:22:22,924 --> 00:22:24,760
All right? I got to go. I got to go.
427
00:22:33,226 --> 00:22:35,062
Is cyanide sweet, though?
428
00:22:35,145 --> 00:22:37,606
Is that why Jim Jones
put it in the Kool-Aid?
429
00:22:37,689 --> 00:22:39,524
So the kids can't taste it?
430
00:22:39,608 --> 00:22:41,401
Jonestown was bonkers.
431
00:22:47,949 --> 00:22:49,534
- Right?
- Yeah.
432
00:22:49,618 --> 00:22:51,661
But it's huge. I don't know.
433
00:22:52,371 --> 00:22:54,706
Wait, nothing we do will
be as devastating as that.
434
00:22:54,790 --> 00:22:56,291
- Mm-hmm.
- Maybe...
435
00:22:56,792 --> 00:22:58,126
I should start a religion.
436
00:22:58,710 --> 00:23:00,545
Come on, man.
437
00:23:01,088 --> 00:23:02,923
Please don't be fucking dead.
438
00:23:04,883 --> 00:23:05,883
Fuck.
439
00:23:09,429 --> 00:23:10,764
Yay. Uh...
440
00:23:10,847 --> 00:23:14,142
I'd like to report a gas leak...
every fucking day, please.
441
00:23:14,226 --> 00:23:16,436
Every day I'd like to report a gas leak.
442
00:23:16,520 --> 00:23:18,897
Sorry for cursing. It's Ruth Brenner.
443
00:23:18,980 --> 00:23:21,817
B.R.E.N.N.E.R, 311 East 12th.
444
00:23:21,900 --> 00:23:22,900
Thank you.
445
00:23:23,318 --> 00:23:24,318
Hey.
446
00:23:24,778 --> 00:23:26,738
- Did you die?
- Did you die?
447
00:23:26,822 --> 00:23:27,864
No.
448
00:23:27,900 --> 00:23:30,409
I think we're dying at the same time.
449
00:23:34,980 --> 00:23:39,980
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