Subtitles by explosiveskull
When my dad saw my mom for the first time,
there was no witty bio accompanying a flattering
yet candid photo of her.
She was just sitting on the bleachers on campus.
And he knew right there and then
that he was going to marry her.
Because of that story combined with an unhealthy binge
of Nora Ephron movies when I had mono in high school,
I always wondered what my love story would be.
Playing foosball in a shitty diner
with a college bro from Tinder
wasn't exactly what I had in mind.
Do you have any siblings?
I bet you if Harry met Sally in 2018
That was fun.
They'd just end up as fuck buddies.
You wanna come over?
I can't.
I'm not gonna think you're a slut
or whatever.
I wasn't concerned about that,
but thank you.
Well then, what is it?
I just don't wanna have sex with you right now.
Okay, but like,
not right now or, like, generally?
Do I wanna have sex with you generally?
Yeah.
Poor college guys.
God bless them.
But they're so busy trying to catch up on what
misconduct is,
they don't even know how to go on a date.
It's time to say goodbye to grand gestures.
The grandest it gets these days is swiping right
instead of left.
As your local hopeless romantic,
I am sad to report
that romance is dead.
Romance is dead.
Yup.
Okay, um, I'm gonna kill your column.
What? Why?
Because your love life is boring!
That's not my fault!
I am trying really hard out there.
Hey, I personally really like the existential crisis
with the philosophy major.
Thanks, Winnie.
It's a good column!
It's just niche.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Plus, it gives the paper a female edge.
Hm. Female, maybe.
Edge, absolutely not.
Your column is about as far away from the edge
as a kid scared of heights.
Good simile, Jacob.
Alright, guys, stop fighting.
I'm putting you on reviews.
That's what you're doing now.
The Jessers and Naples are playing, uh, at the Cavern,
so go and tell me how it is.
So that's it?
I'm sorry!
I'm sorry that the student body has lost interest
in your love life.
It kinda feels like maybe you've lost interest
in your own love life, to be perfectly frank.
I can make it better.
I am gonna do something really awesome.
Yeah, you are.
In reviews.
Maybe you're a critic!
Maybe that's your thing. Sit down, please.
- Winnie? - Mhm?
Got something for you, LSD.
The mice in our labs are being tested on
by the med students.
Animal rights people are gonna be fucking nuts about this.
So maybe we write something about that.
Such a waste of LSD.
To me.
That-that could be something!
That could be something.
Hey, it's not This American Life,
but it's something.
LSD, that's our target.
Monday, see you guys all then.
I am going to the bar.
Without my column,
I'm just another Humanities major!
I am facing years of rejection from unpaid internships.
Come to Thailand with me!
We need to find ourselves.
I am not going to find myself on a mushroom trip
at a full moon party.
That's literally where you find yourself.
Well, is there a student loan
that can pay for my flight to this party
where I miraculously find myself?
If they said your column was boring
just make your column less boring.
It's not that boring.
It's not.
You write a sex column with no sex.
I do stuff.
You've given, like, one hand-job
in the last year to...
Who was it, again?
The Spanish exchange student.
God, he was really hot.
No, he wasn't.
He was really intense.
He was gross.
I feel like there was a lot of potential
with the philosophy major.
No.
He has tiny fingers.
He'd hold a beer like this,
like a baby holding a bottle.
That's gross.
I.D.?
I need to see your I.D.
Okay.
A knight in shining armour isn't gonna come
galloping into the frat party and ask you to the ball.
He might.
Can I just pay for this now?
Chill.
Excuse me?
We were here first.
What are you twelve?
What are you?
Forty?
I.D.? What?
Thirty?
Oh, I found it!
I like your coat.
Thanks.
Okay, let's go.
Can I get some rolling papers, too, please?
6X?
So what's the deal with this band?
I heard the lead guitarist is pretty!
Him and his man-bun were in my Intro to Psych class.
I swear, if I'd had a pair of scissors,
I would've cut the thing off.
- Hi. - How are you?
I.D's.
Of course, obviously.
- It's candy. - Uh oh. Yeah
Should've saved ya a little lick.
Bring enough to share around?
I'm kidding.
Depends on how the night goes.
I'm just kidding, we're not doing that.
Yeah, that isn't you.
What're you talking about?
Of course it's me!
Yeah? What's your name?
Blake Conway Wrong.
Uh, that's weird.
That is weird.
Oh yeah, that's fine! You're okay?
Yeah, that's fine. You go in.
You're sure?
I would be thrilled.
I'll figure out where my I.D. went.
Good luck.
Yeah, I'llI'll find you somehow.
Sorry!
Can you write my review?
Hello?
Hi, um, Morgan?
Yeah?
Um, I have your driver's licence.
I think that you have mine.
What?
I have your driver's licence.
Hi.
Hey, uh, this is yours.
Oh!
Weird.
I think they switched them at the liquor store.
Oh, that's funny.
Come in.
This is Bobby.
He's not a very good dancer.
That's not true.
Hi.
Hi, how's your night?
Uh, good, thank you.
Good.
Here you go.
Thank you.
You should stay.
For a drink.
The universe brought us all together.
Gotta embrace that, right?
Okay, sure.
I'll have a drink.
- Cheers. - Cheers.
Do you have to pee?
I have to pee.
I could pee.
Yeah, let's pee.
Team sport?
You're really pretty.
Do you know that?
I feel like you don't know that.
Thanks.
It's important for a girl to know how pretty she is.
Why?
Because that's how you find them.
Find what?
Your powers.
He'll pay you to stay.
Oh, I'm
Oh, or you don't have to take money, or anything.
I know some girls are weird with that.
No, um, I'm sorry.
I'm not
Not what?
A prostitute.
I'm not a prostitute, babe.
I'm just trying to cut you into a deal.
It'll be fun.
You don't have to do anything you don't want to do.
I don't think I can.
I have early class in the morning.
I get it!
It's not for everyone.
Come on.
Miss me?
I always miss you, babe.
Okay, thanks!
Yeah, bye!
Bye.
How'd you get so warm?
You should've stayed.
Yeah, I totally should've stayed
and had sex with two strangers for some cash.
Was she a sugar baby?
They're fucking everywhere these days.
Really?
Mm.
School's so fucking expensive, that's why.
Makes sense.
That's really sad.
Anyone want coffee?
I wanna dance.
Hey, you got scissors?
Yeah, somewhere.
Young girls are prostituting themselves
to pay for school.
You're so dramatic.
It is dramatic!
I think hookers are kinda badass.
Yeah, hookers are super badass, Nikki.
They're in charge of their own bodies!
Their pimps are in charge of their bodies.
Oh, yeah.
I totally forgot about the pimps.
Well, if there were no pimps,
then hookers would be badass.
Sugar babies don't have pimps.
Well, then sugar babies are badass.
Something interesting happened to me!
Oh, really? Good.
I want my column back.
Oh, you want your column back?
Uh, did you even go to the concert?
Your review?
You didn't even mention the music.
You just described people in line for two paragraphs.
I was totally there.
Oh, yeah.
Well, look, it looks like you got their facts
off of Instagram.
The last two lines were just hashtags and gibberish.
You are so out of touch.
All we really care about are hashtags.
Oh, I'm out of touch?
Am I like a fossil?
I'm 23 years old!
By the way, 23
is perfectly fine age to still be in college.
Winnie!
There you go! Oh my god!
- Is this for me? - Yeah!
Look at that!
She's so good.
You made him that?
Yeah!
We are not your interns!
Aren't you?
I am not an intern!
I'm a foam artist.
Hey, man, I just wanted to say to you,
I really, really loved what you did with the Plan B article.
Oh, yeah! It's so refreshing
to have a male perspective on birth control.
Oh, thank you!
Thank you, man, I appreciate that!
I'm totally down to write your reference letter
for the Thompson Award. Oh, really?
- Thank you! - No problem.
Wait, you're applying to that award?
Yeah.
You don't write gonzo.
You write pretentious political satire.
Actually, I write both.
Stephen Hawking.
- Good! - Thank you.
Since when?
Since I don't only write for the school paper, so.
You can't write him a reference letter.
You're not a faculty member.
He's TA, it counts.
Well, can you write me a reference letter?
This looks like a conflict of interest.
Hard pass, thanks.
The Thompson Award is for gonzo journalism?
Yeah, and?
And you don't write gonzo,
so you just want it for the prize money?
Oh, right, and you don't want the prize money at all?
No, I do.
It's fifty thousand dollars.
That's the only reason why I'm applying.
Story ideas!
His, thank you!
If the writer is a part of the story,
then it is gonzo.
The writer can't be a part of the story.
The writer has to become the story!
Well, it's like those vice journalists
who did ayahuasca in Peru.
- Oh! - Yeah!
I loved that writing!
That was so sick!
My stories are about me!
So you're the type of writer that writes about people
describing doing ayahuasca?
Like, you wouldn't actually do it yourself?
I would totally do ayahuasca.
If there wasn't so much puking.
See, you're an omniscient narrator in denial.
That doesn't even mean anything.
You just like the way that that sounds.
I have a story,
and-and it is a sexy story,
so all of those horny college kids
are really gonna like it.
And when you read it,
you're gonna wanna give me my column back.
So, get ready because...
Of all of the things that I just said!
Oh, well that's over.
What is love?
What is it good for?
I can change your name for the piece,
if you want me to.
Why would I want you to change my name?
Well, my column is anonymous anyway, so.
Why?
It gives me more freedom.
Doesn't sound like freedom.
It just makes it easier to write sometimes.
Okay.
I have made sixty-seven thousand dollars in gifts.
I've gotten a Gucci bag,
a Balenciaga bag,
a Louis Vuitton bag.
I've gone to Paris twice this year.
Whoa.
Am I a prostitute?
No.
Am I a gold digger?
Maybe.
Am I having a better time than all these girls
stuck in mountains of debt?
Who get nothing more than a pregnancy scare
from their one night stands?
Most definitely.
Oh, here.
- Oh, thank you. - Yeah.
Do you ever feel taken advantage of?
Not really, it's business.
Business can be messy.
Yeah, but
I'm really good at it.
How?
I know what they want.
And what is that?
Their ego stroked.
You just have to figure out
how they work.
And once you do, you can get whatever you want.
And what do you want?
Everything, I guess.
You know, I'm actually going to meet Bobby
at his friend's lake house.
You wanna come?
Sounds like the beginning of a horror movie.
So how do you know Bobby?
Oh, he was one of my MBA students.
You're a professor?
Yeah, is that surprising?
No.
I guess I've just never seen a prof
in a bathing suit before.
Here you go.
Thanks.
What's your major?
Useless.
So are you gonna get in?
Uh, I didn't bring a bathing suit.
Well, I don't wanna leave you
on dry land all by yourself.
Why?
I can rate your handstands out of ten.
Yeah.
I think you can tell a lot about a person
by the way they get into a pool.
He didn't dive,
so not a show off.
I guess the view and the house did that for him.
You should come in!
I'm not usually one to be tempted by houses,
or views, or pools.
He was hot and I was stoned.
Uh, I don't know.
And there was something about him
that I couldn't put my finger on.
So, what the hell?
I went in.
So what's your story?
Uh, I'd like to see you again.
Oh.
If that's something that you wanted.
Here's my card.
I didn't know people actually
carried around business cards.
I mean, I didn't have it on me
in the pool or anything.
I have a stack and I just
I like this font.
Yeah it's DIN Condensed.
Nice.
Yeah.
Thanks.
This is pretty
Pretty sweet too.
He's into arrangements.
I could say something.
Please don't.
He's written like five books.
Really?
What about?
I don't know. I haven't read them.
Yeah.
Yeah Blake, I like it.
I like it. It's very Zeitgeisty.
So can I have my column back?
So, uh, you gonna date this guy?
No.
So-so, I'm sorry,
where is this story going?
I don't know how my life is going to evolve
between now and my next entry.
That's not how a column works.
Well how journalism works is
you-you follow the story,
not your feelings.
I followed her to a stranger's lake house.
I could have been murdered.
I'm sorry.
'Cause it sort of read like you went to a pool party.
Where I was solicited!
You got hit on.
Uh, being solicited is not the story.
'Kay? It's just the first part.
What happens afterwards, that's the story.
Are you trying to pimp me out?
Um, am I? No.
No, III wanted to kill your column.
You're the-you're the one who wanted to make it interesting.
It's going to be more interesting.
Whether or not you force me to date the guy.
Oh, ho ho, no, I forced
I'm not forcing you to date anyone, okay?
But you are saying you'll give me back my column
if I date him.
No! No, no, no.
You can not, no, have the column back, please.
This is not a, not a
This is not a thing,
you can just take it.
I am too close to graduating for this shit.
I'm not going out like that.
The hopeless romantic is back baby!
More hopeful, less romantic.
That's awesome, dude.
Yeah, thanks.
I feel like I've grown from this already.
Your professor sounds hot.
Hmm, he's not hot hot,
but he is kinda charming.
So, he's fat?
He's not fat.
He's basically famous.
He's written a bunch of books
for like technology and business.
So he's boring?
He's rich.
He invested in Facebook and Uber
when they were just starting.
So why aren't you going to call him again?
So why aren't you more focused on your costume?
The options here are pretty limitless.
Tadah!
What is that?
It's Sassy Red Riding Hood!
You look like a used tampon.
What?
Your legs are the string.
I'm not lowering myself to your level.
You're lowering it to my crotch level.
Sexy gothic Red Riding Hood?
What's wrong with the shoulders?
You look like you're storing snacks in there.
Red Riding From The Hood.
No.
Well what are you supposed to be?
A manic pixie dream girl?
Yeah.
Sure.
I still don't understand
why there's a Halloween party in April.
Oh!
Why didn't they just call it a costume party?
'Cause then it's not Halloween.
I'm gonna get these glasses.
Eh.
Hey Blake!
Hey Emily!
Cool costume.
Are you a ballerina?
A loofah.
You look like my dad on vacation.
I'm Raoul Duke.
From Fear and Loathing.
Oh!
Oh, yeah, um
I loved your last column.
I don't write a column.
So, whatever.
Okay.
Dr. Phil did an episode on sugar babies.
Was it a hard hitting expose?
Oh yeah. I love Dr. Phil.
I feel like I have so many things to tell him.
Yeah.
It appears we have yet another common interest.
Oh god.
Want to take a shot?
Yes.
I didn't touch my lips to it.
I didn't take you as a Hunter Thompson fan.
He's the very godfather of Gonzo journalism.
Did you just say fairy godfather?
No. I said very godfather!
No, you said fairy.
Very. Fairy.
Want to take another shot?
Yeah.
Do you want to go somewhere private?
You're so dumb.
You know you're way off about me?
Okay.
I like Hunter Thompson.
Mmm.
He's not my favourite writer though.
Who's your favourite writer?
Don't tell me!
Jane Austen.
Maybe when I was 15.
It's Nora Ephron.
What is that, Zac Efron's mom?
She's the queen of the romantic comedy.
"When Harry Met Sally",
"Sleepless in Seattle"
Okay. I liked those. Those are good.
I know yours.
I don't have a favourite writer. Witkowski.
How'd you do that?
You want to take another shot?
Yep.
You okay?
Yeah.
I like your room. I like it.
That means a lot to me.
Is that weird?
You okay?
Yeah. I'm okay. Are you okay?
Yeah, no, I'm good.
Okay. You look good.
Do you have a condom?
I think so.
Um
I thought it was in my pencil case.
Why do you have a pencil case?
For pencils.
In case.
Okay.
I don't have a condom.
I should go.
But this is your room.
Oh.
Well should I go? Want me to go?
I mean, should I go?
Uh yeah, I think so.
Okay.
Are you wearing my pants?
You can't print it.
You can't not print it. Can't.
Okay, usually I'm totally against, uh,
these sort of workplace romances,
but this is hilarious, Blake.
It's not funny to me man, alright?
I changed your name!
Nobody is gonna know that it's you!
- I don't care. - I do!
You two were the only people
that dressed like Raoul Duke at the party so.
You were there?
Yeah, I have Snapchat.
You were the one who told me to become the story.
I became the story.
I'm sorry!
I didn't realize you were so sensitive.
I'm not, sensitive.
I'm private.
I'm not
not like a sensitive dude.
Hey man, I'm sorry,
I'm gonna have to post it.
Why?
Because, uh, for better or for worse,
the hopeless romantic is dragging in all the hits.
Really?
Keep your shirt on. You're not winning a Pulitzer.
It's-it's not moving papers.
It's just, it's doing well on the website,
and I have to do what's best for the paper and or website.
I hope this isn't awkward between us.
It most certainly is going to be.
Do you want my advice?
Don't make out with journalists.
Or Instagram models.
He's arrogant.
He can't stand that I'm thriving.
It's man problem. That's what they do.
Can't handle the strong woman.
He's kinda tall, so I don't get it.
Is he tall?
Yeah.
Usually short guys are really insecure.
Little man syndrome? Yeah!
Yeah.
Oh my god, oh my god.
Oh my god, just keep walking.
Keep walking.
The guy, Ian.
He's over there. Where? Where?
Oh, no, no, no. Look to there.
Can you see him?
Do I look cute?
Do I wave, or is that weird?
I don't know. Oh my god, we waved.
No, don't wave again.
Flash your tit.
No.
Screw it.
If I want to win the award,
I have to do ayahuasca.
Wait, when are you doing ayahuasca?
I'm not, it's a metaphor.
Because if you do it without me,
I'm gonna be really pissed.
And surprised.
And hurt.
Eventually I'd be happy for you.
Again, I'm not gonna do ayahuasca without you.
Just
make sure he doesn't
take advantage of you or anything.
Yeah, of course.
If anything, I am the one taking advantage of him.
How?
Because I'm not really a sugar baby.
You're actually kinda like pretty woman.
But in reverse.
Just make me look classy.
Like Michelle Obama.
Hi.
Should we go in?
Why don't you have a girlfriend?
They're free.
Not really. And,
I don't know what she wants.
She probably doesn't even know what she wants.
And I don't want to spend my time
texting or fighting
or compromising.
So.
How do you want this to work?
I don't want to write cheques
or anything like that.
I kinda wanna give gifts.
Gifts.
Yeah.
Like purses?
Sure.
If that's what you want. Yeah.
It's not what I want.
I didn't think so.
So, what do you want?
Romance.
Wealthy older people
supporting struggling younger ones
is nothing revolutionary.
Read any Jane Austen novel.
Granted Austen's heroines always rebelled
against this concept in search for romantic love,
but financially beneficial relationships were the norm.
A female's attraction to a male's display of resources
is ingrained in many species,
from humans to apes to cats.
Female leopards can actually tell whether or not a male
is capable of providing her with what she needs.
If she determines that he isn't capable
of taking care of her,
she has the ability to make herself less fertile.
So the question is,
why does our society hate gold diggers?
Are we repulsed by our own natural instincts?
Maybe relationships aren't supposed to be for love,
but for survival.
There's a sound quality to records
that is completely lost with CDs or MP3s
or whatever the kids are listening to these days.
Sometimes I just like the sound
in between the songs, you know?
I like the way that the covers look.
Yeah.
Should have known you'd be a record guy.
Well, I was born in the 70s,
so I hope it's not so obnoxious, right?
Right.
What's with the piano?
Do you play?
Uh. It's my ex.
Your ex is a piano?
No. She's a human. Bitch.
She's really good at playing the piano.
Do you wanna listen to this one next?
Sure.
I don't think I've ever listened to this one.
Where is my bike?
You had sex!
What?
You had sex.
- What are you talking about? - Come on!
How did you know?
I felt the energy change.
So?
How was it?
It was
Nice.
It was nice?
Yeah it was nice.
So? What did you get for the romp sesh?
Earrings?
Purse?
An iPod?
A gift card?
Got nothing. A Starbucks's gift card?
Oh, I got Gatorade.
That's it?
Oh and my bike got stolen.
Wait, doesn't he live in that
nice neighbourhood by the water?
Yeah.
Crime knows no bounds.
This is for you,
and this is also for you.
And the last thing
is too big to bring up.
I'll just get my shoes.
Is that?
A sex moped.
A hoeped.
Oh my god!
What does it say?
Sorry I stole your bike.
Hey, Conrad here and today,
I'm gonna show you how to ride a moped!
Conrad's kinda cute.
Kinda.
Hold this.
To be honest.
I mean, you just turn the key.
Check your mirror.
Looking good.
Pass me my helmet.
You gotta kick up the kickstand.
Hold on, Conrad's bike won't start.
And you know, um,
you know, hopefully
Conrad, why did you post this?
Get on!
I feel dangerous.
Cartilage piercing dangerous.
It's not that dangerous.
You ready?
Take that bow off!
Ah! Oh my god!
Take my picture!
Oh my god!
Ow! Why?!
Ow!
Does it look cool?
Uh, yeah.
There's a little bit of
- of blood. - What?
But don't touch it, don't touch it.
How am I going to wear my bike helmet?
What happened to your ear?
I got my cartilage pierced.
Looks like it hurt.
It doesn't.
Are you still pissed off with me
because you fit in my pants?
That's not why I'm pissed off.
So you are mad.
So now you're applying?
I was always applying.
Hold on.
Does he know?
That I'm applying for an award?
That you're writing about him to win an award.
I changed his name.
So no.
Nice ride.
Thanks.
How'd you pay for it?
'Kay, bye.
I thought of something that I want.
Oh yeah?
What do you want?
I'm applying for an award and I need a reference letter.
What's the award for?
Journalism.
You're in it-you're in it for the money, aren't you?
But if I win,
I get a bunch of cash and I can pay off my debt.
You know, I could help you with that,
if that's something that you wanted.
Thought you didn't write checks.
Well, I'd consider it an investment.
You're the only person that would invest in journalism.
Well, I wouldn't be investing in journalism,
I'd be investing in you.
What's in it for you?
This.
You can think about it.
And the letter?
Why don't you write it out
and then I'll sign it.
Okay, so do you wanna read a writing sample or something?
Sure.
So I'll email it.
Yeah, you can email it, great.
Or I can print it.
Whatever's easier.
I'llI'll email it.
I'll PDF it.
Yeah, PDF it, for sure.
A mutually beneficial relationship.
I was a sugar baby.
If you just saw us drinking in some park
like we were in some frigging French film,
or eating tiny, fancy food in some tiny, fancy restaurant,
or holding hands and coffees in sweater weather,
and some upbeat love song played
over what we were actually saying,
it would appear that we were falling in love.
He didn't play games.
He called when he said he would,
and made concrete plans in advance.
It was chivalry at its finest.
Perhaps romance wasn't dead,
it was just hiding out in another dimension,
a world where social interaction
was actually a transaction,
and going to the theatre was something
I did on a Saturday night.
The truth is,
while I ate my overpriced Gummi Bears
he brought me during intermission,
I felt like a goddamn lady.
I bet you she doesn't even like him.
Do you like every guy you've hooked up with?
I stayed with Tom because we were in the middle
of Stranger Things and I don't have Netflix.
It's not really the same thing.
He bought her a scooter for having sex with him.
Hey.
You're not a hooker.
But I don't know what being a hooker feels like.
What if it feels just like this?
How do you feel?
I feel fine.
Good, like, really good.
That might just be the cupcakes.
Can't believe you made these.
Since when do you bake?
I got bored.
Then I got bored when I was baking,
so I sprinkled in a bunch of Molly!
Ha ha.
No, I did, for real.
No.
No, Nikki!
I can't have drugs!
I'm emotionally unstable!
Take it back.
No.
I have to make myself puke.
No, no, no, no, don't throw it up.
I hate puking.
I should have got Jimmy as the roommate,
Jimmy would have loved this.
Hello.
Hi.
Uh, Bla, hey you, in the bathroom!
Your Uber Eats is here.
What are you talking about?
I can't afford Uber Eats.
Hey, oh, you look really nice.
What are you doing here?
Um, do you wanna go to a wedding with me?
I've never been to a wedding.
- Me neither. - Really?
Yeah, when is it?
Now.
Like, now now?
Yeah.
Sorry for the short notice,
um I just hate going to these things alone.
But I did get you this.
Oh my god.
Yeah, it's pretty sparkly.
Oh!
It's dangerous.
It's stupid, sorry.
Um, it's sparkly because the stones are so clear.
I think they're only found in one place in the world.
Are you gonna say your heart?
No, South Africa.
Close enough.
So, are-are they blood diamonds?
No.
Are you sure?
Yes.
So no one died for them?
No. Those are 100% organic,
farm fresh, vegan diamonds.
Okay, I'm gonna go get ready.
Okay.
Uh, uh, wear the pink dress.
I don't have a pink dress.
Yeah, the long one, pink, low.
I had a blue one.
It's mine,
I'm trying to make you look good.
- Oh, thank you so much. - You ruined it.
Okay, I'll be really quick.
Okay.
So you guys have lived together for a while?
Yeah, we were-we were um roommates in freshman year.
We hated each other for the first few months,
then Philip Seymour Hoffman died.
Yeah.
Wow. Wow. Oh, wow, you look beautiful.
Thanks.
He stood up.
Wait, whose wedding is this?
Um, you met Bobby, right?
The guy from the pool?
Yeah.
He's getting married?
Yeah.
I take you
to be my lawfully wedded husband,
to have and to hold
from this day forward.
For better, for worse,
for richer, for poorer,
in sickness and in health
until death do us part.
Are you-are you okay?
I'm on drugs.
Oh, wow, what kind?
Cupcakes with Molly in them,
I should have told you, I'm so sorry.
Shit.
- Jesus. - No, I'm good.
I've done Molly like, once before.
It was fun until I puked all over somebody's shoes,
but I don't foresee that happening this time.
I don't feel nauseous at all, I'm good.
I'm sorry, I said that already.
I'm gonna be serious from now.
Yeah, falling in love is a very serious matter.
So serious.
So you're okay with the choreographed dance
that we have to do later?
Oh my God, I would love that.
There'll be a speech
with a lot of inside jokes
that neither one of us are gonna get.
Bring it on.
Do you believe in love?
My parents got divorced.
Uh, oh.
No, I'm good, I'm okay.
I'm good, let's go get a drink.
Yep.
♪ All of us have felt the burden
♪ Of being nowhere alone
♪ With feelings that leave us
♪ Wondering when the time will come
♪ To find something, someone, a feeling to guide us ♪
Oh my god.
♪ Like a technicolour operation
♪ You commandeer my field of vision
♪ I'm a bullet in the ocean
♪ You harness me so softly
♪ That I just fall
♪ Baby ♪
Oh, it's so cute.
Oh, yes.
Hey.
Hey, congratulations.
Thank you.
Big day.
It's a beautiful wedding,
you have a really good voice.
Yeah?
How's Morgan?
Uh, I haven't seen her in a while.
That's too bad.
You know, I, um,
I dig that bike.
I think girls on bikes are cool.
How much that cost?
I'mI'm not sure actually.
Yeah, must be doing something special.
Your wife.
Oh no, no, we have an open relationship.
There was a whole,
there was this book,
and I don't really remember,
but you can have sex with other people.
That's cool.
Yeah.
What do you want?
To go to the bathroom.
Is that all?
Ow!
Why's your rating so low?
What?
You're only at a 4.3.
I am?
Yep.
Why?
I don't know.
You seem fine.
I am fine.
Hi. What are you doing here?
We didn't have plans.
Oh, I know, I just wanted to stop by
and apologize for leaving the wedding.
I can't do this right now.
Okay, it's just,
when I went to the bathroom
This isn't how this works.
Many are quick to label
the sugar lifestyle choice as prostitution,
but there are lots of differences
between this lifestyle and the oldest profession.
A prostitute and a client have a transactional relationship.
They meet, participate in some sort of a physical act,
exchange funds,
and part ways.
Typically, this is a one time occurrence, a job.
There is no relationship,
and no possibility for a relationship,
and that is the biggest difference, really.
The relationship.
Hey.
Yo.
What are you wearing to the toga party tonight?
Uh, a toga.
So I can't wear this?
It's not a toga.
What about now?
Uh, yeah, no, still not a toga.
Nikki, it's not a toga.
Fine.
Hey.
So, uh, about earlier.
It-it's okay,
but you can't just show up at my house.
To be fair,
you did just show up at my house
and invite me to your wedding.
And I got you that bracelet.
Right.
I read your reference letter today.
- Oh yeah? - Mhm.
Do you support all the fantastic things I said about myself?
No.
I'm gonna rewrite it,
tell the truth.
Did you read my writing sample?
Mm.
I'm gonna get to it this weekend.
Do you have any siblings?
What?
You know, brothers or sisters, siblings.
Why?
I just realized that I don't know
anything about your family.
We don't have to do this.
Okay.
It's really good, isn't it.
Mm.
There are so many expensive bottles of wine in here.
Mhm.
Imagine if I just smashed them all.
You missed my turn.
Oh, we're-we're going to my place.
No, I want to go home.
It's so early.
Oh ho ho, who's this?
Who is this?
Gertie, Gertie, Gertie.
She missed you.
See that?
You did, didn't you?
Where you goin'?
Ha ha ha ha.
Oh, yes, I'm happy to see you, too.
Yes I am.
Yes I am, yes.
Blake.
I'll catch up.
Blake.
You look like E.T.
I didn't see ya at the toga party.
You okay?
Yeah, I'm great.
Hey.
It's okay.
You don't have to do this.
Do what?
Be nice to me because you feel bad or something.
Oh, I don't feel bad.
Well, you can feel a little bad for me if you want.
Do you wanna talk about it, or?
Do you wanna,
go for breakfast?
Okay.
I'll get the bike.
Are you bringing anyone to graduation?
Yeah, my parents.
You?
Uh, yeah, same, unfortunately.
They hate each other,
but they love me,
so they just come to all my stuff
and fight the whole time.
It's gonna be great.
That sucks.
Yeah.
When did they get divorced?
Um, a while ago.
Like, when I was ten.
Mine also got divorced.
Oh, when?
Right after I left for school,
they were, like,
"Okay, she's gone, we did it, the end."
I'm sorry.
No, it's okay.
Do you have any siblings?
What?
That's my question.
Whadda ya mean?
What does that mean?
I ask that on dates.
Like,
"Do you have any siblings?"
is the question you ask on all the dates?
Every time?
100% of the time?
Mm hmm.
That's so weird.
But you asked me it.
No, that's the first time I've ever asked it.
I mean, I don't plan it.
Why, why do you ask that question?
Because it's the start.
Do you have any siblings?
I don't have any siblings.
- Do you? - Yeah.
Got a half sister.
Which half?
Oh, my dad's.
She's the worst person I've ever met.
She's the worst person
I've ever met in my entire life.
Your dad got remarried?
Yes.
And how old is she?
She's-she's three.
But she acts like she's two.
We have nothing in common.
She's the worst little cute
Here ya go. - baby.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
I got this.
Oh.
I owe you.
You don't owe me anything.
Don't leave me again.
The bike, I meant.
Sure you did.
Okay.
Goodnight.
No.
Bad night.
Good morning.
Nikki.
Nikki!
Oh shit.
What the fuck?
Shit.
So I read your little love column.
Used me for material?
You used me for sex.
That was the deal.
I changed your name.
What's going on?
You were in there the entire time?
Sorry.
If you don't erase every trace of this thing
I'm going to ruin your name before you even have one.
I'm not gonna lie,
I thought about throwing the bracelet in the water.
Then I sold it,
because I'm not an idiot.
God, I should have been a cheerleader.
Those girls are in such good shape.
Yeah but, what're they gonna do with their lives?
I don't know.
What becomes of them?
Yeah but, they can do the splits.
They'll figure it out.
I still don't think you should delete your column.
You need to own your scandal.
Like, uh,
Marie Antoinette.
She was a teen idol.
And she had sex with everyone.
When she went to Paris,
people got trampled to death
just trying to catch a glimpse of her.
That's really sad.
And didn't they behead her for being slutty?
'Kay, well, we are still talking about her.
That's not always a good thing.
He revoked his letter for the award.
They disqualified me.
Shit.
I know.
That sucks, sorry.
Jennifer Lawrence!
What about her?
When the-when those naked pictures came out, of her?
She owned the shit out of it.
Declared it was a sex crime on the cover of Vanity Fair.
And, those pictures made her more interesting,
in my opinion.
I'd forgot about that.
I know.
She looked great.
Jennifer Lawrence.
J.Law.
Did ya see them?
No, I mean, she would have, if,
if I saw them.
I think she would have looked good.
But I didn't.
Did you see them?
Yeah, I saw them.
If this were the nineties,
and I was in a Nora Ephron romcom,
this would be the moment
where it would seem all hope is lost.
But then,
out of the fog, he'd appear.
Maybe at the top of a building,
or maybe in a cop car.
He wouldn't pull me over
because I was speeding in a school zone,
and he sure as fuck wouldn't give me a goddam ticket
for driving without a motorcycle licence.
It's my birthday today.
No it's not.
It's my graduation,
and I really need to be there.
We'd lock eyes.
We'd have coffees in sweater weather.
We'd drink wine in the park
like we were in some French film.
And we'd run through field after field holding hands,
while some upbeat love song played.
But this isn't a romcom from the nineties.
This is just my story,
and I don't want to be ashamed of it.
The story was never about the professor.
Or an award.
Or even my column,
which I didn't delete.
Otherwise you wouldn't be reading this.
I just changed my name,
to my real one this time.
Thanks for the ride.
"Meet me on top of the bleachers."
Hey Blake!
What?
Come up here.
Why?
You gotta to see the view.
The view is unbelievable.
What are you talking about?
I'm doin' a thing,
I'm doin' this thing, just,
can you come up here?
Trust me?
Work with me?
Okay.
Hi.
It's romantic up here, isn't it?
Uh...
At the top of the, uh,
Empire State Building.
What are we doing?
We're Sleepless in Seattleing.
I'm Tom Hanks,
you're Meg Ryan.
Unless you wanna switch roles,
ya wanna switch roles?
I'll be Meg, you be Tom.
No, I'll be Meg.
'Kay, I'll be Tom.
I got you somethin',
like the movie.
It's actually a teddy bear.
What, the rose?
And she gives it to a kid.
There's a kid in the movie?
Yeah, Tom Hanks has a son. Did you watch it?
I did, why? I don't remember there being a kid.
I gotta rewatch it.
Definitely a kid.
What are you guys doing?
Um...
we're Sleepless in Seattleing.
He's butchering it.
Nerds.
I'm doing awesome.
You are actually.
I am?
This is good.
Do they still fall in love
at the top of the Empire State Building?
No, that's-that's where they met.
But they were already in love they are...
You look really pretty.
Are you holding my helmet on?
- Yeah, I got it. - Oh, thank you.
C'monah.
What?
Let's go.
Okay.
Oh, we have to graduate.
- Hyah. - Hyah.
I came here in a cop car.
Why?
'Cause I'm cool now.
That is really cool.
I'm criminal.
That's sick.
I know a criminal.
It's a long story,
but it's actually not.
- It's really not a long story. - What?
So, apparently, I need a licence to drive my moped.
Uh huh, I didn't even know that.
No, neither did I.
I thought you could just drive 'em around.
No.
What?
So, that's something that I'm going to have to deal with.
Each one of us has a story of how we got to where we are,
which most likely involves study drugs,
getting blackout drunk,
and having one night stands.
We'll tell these stories at dinner parties
and to our future children.
Well, maybe not the one night stand part.
Or the blackout drunk part.
Or the study drugs, for that matter.
But maybe our stories don't have to be
for anyone but ourselves.
Your hopeless romantic,
Blake Conway.
Subtitles by explosiveskull