1 00:00:10,483 --> 00:00:13,643 [Jack] My singing teacher at school was Welsh, Gareth Jones. 2 00:00:13,723 --> 00:00:16,563 [Michael] Oh yes. I rather liked him. 3 00:00:17,683 --> 00:00:21,523 [mimics Welsh accent] I want you to imagine you're pushing a rugby ball 4 00:00:21,603 --> 00:00:24,483 down into a bucket of water. 5 00:00:24,963 --> 00:00:27,803 That's what he said. I never quite understood what it meant. 6 00:00:28,443 --> 00:00:30,443 I have no idea what it meant. 7 00:00:30,523 --> 00:00:31,603 [Jack clears throat] 8 00:00:32,563 --> 00:00:38,483 ♪ Bread of heaven Bread of heaven ♪ 9 00:00:38,563 --> 00:00:40,443 ♪ Feed me till ♪ 10 00:00:40,523 --> 00:00:42,283 ♪ I want no more ♪ 11 00:00:42,363 --> 00:00:45,843 ♪ Want no more ♪ 12 00:00:45,923 --> 00:00:48,323 ♪ Feed me till ♪ 13 00:00:48,403 --> 00:00:52,843 ♪ I want no more ♪ 14 00:00:54,403 --> 00:00:56,843 [Jack] Whatever happened to Gareth Jones? 15 00:00:56,923 --> 00:00:58,483 [Michael] Probably went deaf. 16 00:01:07,123 --> 00:01:09,203 [upbeat orchestral music playing] 17 00:01:09,763 --> 00:01:12,723 [Jack] We're on our final trip and Hilary has brought us to Portmeirion, 18 00:01:13,283 --> 00:01:16,803 a tourist attraction famed for the eccentricity of its architecture, 19 00:01:16,883 --> 00:01:18,923 in Gwynedd, Wales. 20 00:01:20,243 --> 00:01:24,323 Yesterday, Mother revealed Michael and her have sold our beloved family home 21 00:01:24,403 --> 00:01:25,683 without telling me. 22 00:01:28,883 --> 00:01:29,683 So, 23 00:01:29,763 --> 00:01:34,283 this was the brainchild of a chap called Clough Williams-Ellis. 24 00:01:34,363 --> 00:01:39,203 He was a man ahead of his time, because he loved to get old buildings 25 00:01:39,283 --> 00:01:40,603 and repurpose them here. 26 00:01:41,763 --> 00:01:45,483 So those pillars there, he bought those in 1932 27 00:01:45,563 --> 00:01:48,403 and he kept them for 30 years thinking, "What shall I do with them?" 28 00:01:48,483 --> 00:01:51,363 -But you have to wait to see what… -Yeah, see what came up. 29 00:01:51,443 --> 00:01:53,043 So, say a family called up and said, 30 00:01:53,123 --> 00:01:56,203 "We're getting rid of our family home and we don't need it anymore." 31 00:01:56,283 --> 00:01:57,963 "Do you want these old bricks?" 32 00:01:58,043 --> 00:02:02,123 We haven't knocked down the family house. We've sold it. 33 00:02:03,243 --> 00:02:05,003 You've bulldozed my childhood. 34 00:02:05,083 --> 00:02:06,283 -[Hilary sighs] -[kids shouting] 35 00:02:06,363 --> 00:02:09,683 [Michael] Those children are bloody noisy over there. 36 00:02:09,763 --> 00:02:12,763 Do you know what the Welsh for "shut the fuck up" is? 37 00:02:13,363 --> 00:02:15,123 -Daddy. -No. 38 00:02:15,203 --> 00:02:18,403 [Hilary] Right, I don't want swearing on my selfie video. 39 00:02:19,963 --> 00:02:20,923 So up here… 40 00:02:22,283 --> 00:02:24,083 is a stunning view. 41 00:02:24,163 --> 00:02:25,723 -Hi. -[man] Hey. 42 00:02:26,403 --> 00:02:27,803 [Jack] A happy family. 43 00:02:28,523 --> 00:02:30,283 I remember when I had one of them 44 00:02:31,083 --> 00:02:34,083 with loving parents and a lovely 45 00:02:34,843 --> 00:02:35,683 family home. 46 00:02:35,763 --> 00:02:37,523 [Michael] Are you listening to all this? 47 00:02:37,603 --> 00:02:39,083 [Jack] Why didn't you tell me? 48 00:02:39,163 --> 00:02:40,643 -[Michael] What? -I don't understand. 49 00:02:40,723 --> 00:02:44,123 We've been on the road a week. You could have slipped it into conversation. 50 00:02:44,203 --> 00:02:46,083 I mean, there's not much to tell. 51 00:02:47,043 --> 00:02:51,283 Anyway, I'm sorry about the house, Jack, but I'm sure in the long run 52 00:02:51,363 --> 00:02:52,563 you'll appreciate it. 53 00:02:52,643 --> 00:02:55,363 I hope you'll love it. I hope you're ready for country life. 54 00:02:57,163 --> 00:02:59,283 [Jack] Not wanting to leave things on bad terms 55 00:02:59,363 --> 00:03:02,403 before Mother returns to London to destroy my memories, 56 00:03:02,483 --> 00:03:04,043 there's time for an ice cream. 57 00:03:04,843 --> 00:03:06,003 [in Welsh] Good morning. 58 00:03:07,483 --> 00:03:08,443 [in English] Show-off. 59 00:03:08,523 --> 00:03:10,083 Got Welsh in my locker as well. 60 00:03:10,723 --> 00:03:14,283 -How much Welsh can you speak? -I speak conversational Welsh. 61 00:03:14,363 --> 00:03:15,803 Okay, come on then. 62 00:03:15,883 --> 00:03:17,443 -Start a conversation. -Bore da. 63 00:03:17,523 --> 00:03:18,963 -That's "good morning." -Then what? 64 00:03:19,803 --> 00:03:21,123 Popty ping. 65 00:03:21,203 --> 00:03:22,363 "Popty ping"? 66 00:03:22,443 --> 00:03:25,403 -What is that? -It means "microwave" in Welsh. 67 00:03:25,483 --> 00:03:26,443 Very conversational. 68 00:03:26,523 --> 00:03:30,243 Well, you can't go straight in in a conversation with somebody, 69 00:03:30,323 --> 00:03:32,843 you say, "Good morning" to them and then you say 70 00:03:32,923 --> 00:03:34,523 "microwave?" 71 00:03:35,083 --> 00:03:38,163 I have conversational Welsh. 72 00:03:38,243 --> 00:03:41,563 And it is conversational Welsh, but it's just one specific conversation, 73 00:03:41,643 --> 00:03:44,843 which is the one you have with someone when you're buying a microwave. 74 00:03:44,923 --> 00:03:49,003 Well, not even conversation, it's just the first word. 75 00:03:49,083 --> 00:03:51,043 -I know, microwave. -"Microwave?" 76 00:03:51,123 --> 00:03:54,283 And they say, "Absolutely, I'll go and find one." 77 00:03:54,363 --> 00:03:56,323 Well, maybe on this trip I'll pick up a bit more. 78 00:03:57,203 --> 00:03:59,283 -I've got it. -Everything okay with your coffees? 79 00:03:59,363 --> 00:04:01,363 -[Hilary] Lovely, thank you. -Mine's a little cold. 80 00:04:01,443 --> 00:04:03,843 -Could you whack that in the popty ping? -Of course. 81 00:04:03,923 --> 00:04:04,763 Thank you. 82 00:04:06,483 --> 00:04:08,523 -Such a show-off. -She knew what I meant. 83 00:04:09,083 --> 00:04:11,203 I wonder what the Welsh for "idiot" is. 84 00:04:12,083 --> 00:04:13,203 [mimics Welsh accent] Idiot. 85 00:04:13,283 --> 00:04:14,883 -[Hilary splutters] -[Jack laughs] 86 00:04:15,643 --> 00:04:18,323 [Hilary, laughing] Sorry, the ice cream came down my nose. 87 00:04:21,083 --> 00:04:23,723 I don't know who's worse, you or him. 88 00:04:24,683 --> 00:04:27,043 [Jack and Hilary laugh] 89 00:04:27,923 --> 00:04:30,083 I didn't know you were fluent as well, Daddy. 90 00:04:31,203 --> 00:04:34,243 [Welsh national anthem playing] 91 00:04:34,323 --> 00:04:36,283 [Jack] Now that Hilary has returned to London, 92 00:04:36,363 --> 00:04:39,403 Michael and I can continue our Welsh adventure. 93 00:04:40,603 --> 00:04:44,283 Wales isn't just known for rugby, leeks and cheeky Vimtos. 94 00:04:44,363 --> 00:04:47,363 The sheep here outnumber people 3-1. 95 00:04:48,323 --> 00:04:50,603 So, Mother Dearest thought we couldn't come to Wales 96 00:04:50,683 --> 00:04:53,043 without visiting a sheep farm. 97 00:04:53,763 --> 00:04:58,483 We've come to Llanfairfechan, which is "fechan" beautiful, 98 00:04:58,563 --> 00:05:00,643 to meet sheep farmer Gareth. 99 00:05:04,443 --> 00:05:06,523 [in Welsh] Welcome to Ty'n Llwyfan. 100 00:05:06,603 --> 00:05:09,483 -[in English] To you too, sir. -[Michael] Welsh deserted you there, Jack. 101 00:05:09,563 --> 00:05:11,523 -Hello. Michael. -Hello, Michael. 102 00:05:12,003 --> 00:05:13,043 Very good to meet you. 103 00:05:13,123 --> 00:05:15,723 You're going to have a little bit of a day on a working farm. 104 00:05:15,803 --> 00:05:19,243 I'm going to get a sheepdog for you both. We're going to go down the field. 105 00:05:19,323 --> 00:05:20,523 I'm going to give you 106 00:05:20,603 --> 00:05:23,803 an immersive lesson in sheepdog handling 107 00:05:23,883 --> 00:05:25,563 and a quick lesson in Welsh. 108 00:05:25,643 --> 00:05:26,843 Let's get dogging. 109 00:05:29,283 --> 00:05:30,443 [Gareth whistles] 110 00:05:30,523 --> 00:05:32,923 -Right, does that fit you? -[Michael] Thank you very much. 111 00:05:33,003 --> 00:05:36,083 -So, this is a crook. Shepherd's crook. -Yeah. 112 00:05:36,163 --> 00:05:38,083 We use these to catch sheep. 113 00:05:38,163 --> 00:05:39,243 So we grab it 114 00:05:40,123 --> 00:05:41,603 round the neck. 115 00:05:41,683 --> 00:05:44,483 This reminds me of that thing we used to use to pull you offstage. 116 00:05:44,563 --> 00:05:45,963 -You'd go on… -Never happened. 117 00:05:46,043 --> 00:05:49,443 -…tell these jokes, nobody would laugh. -And you'd be waiting in the wings? 118 00:05:49,523 --> 00:05:51,803 I'd just come in the wings and just go like that. 119 00:05:51,883 --> 00:05:53,243 -Good night! -Haul him off. 120 00:05:53,843 --> 00:05:55,483 None of that. Come on, let's go. 121 00:05:55,563 --> 00:05:57,523 -Do we pick a dog? -I've got one. 122 00:05:57,603 --> 00:05:59,963 -You just took the dogs out? -Yeah. [whistles] 123 00:06:00,043 --> 00:06:02,523 There's no messing about with him, is there? 124 00:06:02,603 --> 00:06:03,403 [sheep bleats] 125 00:06:03,483 --> 00:06:06,603 Right, this is Jo, or Pentir Jo by his full name. 126 00:06:06,683 --> 00:06:09,043 Now, Jo will have commands. 127 00:06:09,123 --> 00:06:11,883 So, you have a left command, a right command. 128 00:06:11,963 --> 00:06:15,003 So, "to the left" is "come-by." 129 00:06:15,083 --> 00:06:17,803 -Got that? Come-by? -Come-by. 130 00:06:17,883 --> 00:06:19,843 And the whistle for come-by… 131 00:06:19,923 --> 00:06:21,243 [two short whistles] 132 00:06:21,323 --> 00:06:24,483 -Come-by, whistle, whistle. -Yep. 133 00:06:24,563 --> 00:06:26,163 Come-by. [whistles] 134 00:06:26,243 --> 00:06:27,043 [speaks Welsh] 135 00:06:27,123 --> 00:06:28,963 -[in English] Who's Diane? -[speaks Welsh] 136 00:06:29,043 --> 00:06:31,363 -[in English] Oh, "di-own." -That was "good." Very good. 137 00:06:31,443 --> 00:06:34,163 The most important command we've got, Michael, 138 00:06:34,243 --> 00:06:37,123 is the "lie down," the "stop." 139 00:06:37,203 --> 00:06:38,883 And that is… 140 00:06:38,963 --> 00:06:39,843 [speaks Welsh] 141 00:06:39,923 --> 00:06:41,323 [in English] And the whistle… 142 00:06:41,403 --> 00:06:42,323 [descending whistle] 143 00:06:42,403 --> 00:06:45,883 Now, I want to hear you with some real force… 144 00:06:45,963 --> 00:06:47,723 -Some welly. -Yeah. 145 00:06:48,723 --> 00:06:50,283 -Right, you ready? -Yeah. 146 00:06:50,363 --> 00:06:53,603 -[speaks Welsh] -[whistles airily] 147 00:06:54,563 --> 00:06:56,963 [in English] Looked like you were trying to kiss me, come on. 148 00:06:57,043 --> 00:06:59,483 -Are we ready to go? -[Jack] Yep, let's do it. 149 00:06:59,563 --> 00:07:02,763 Our challenge is to get the sheep in that little pen. 150 00:07:03,363 --> 00:07:05,123 Come on. 151 00:07:05,203 --> 00:07:06,123 [whistles] Okay. 152 00:07:06,683 --> 00:07:07,683 [Jack shrieks] 153 00:07:08,443 --> 00:07:10,043 You didn't say they'd come at me. 154 00:07:10,123 --> 00:07:11,563 Come-way, ha-way! No! 155 00:07:11,643 --> 00:07:14,083 -[jaunty instrumental music playing] -[Jack grunting] 156 00:07:14,163 --> 00:07:16,723 -Why are you letting them sheep pass you? -I'm not! 157 00:07:16,803 --> 00:07:18,323 -Jack. -Like a wet lettuce, man. 158 00:07:18,923 --> 00:07:20,043 -No! -Fetch! 159 00:07:20,123 --> 00:07:21,683 -No, Jack! -Fetch! 160 00:07:22,283 --> 00:07:24,483 Don't throw my stick! That's an insult! 161 00:07:24,563 --> 00:07:26,243 -[Jack speaks Welsh] -[Gareth whistling] 162 00:07:26,323 --> 00:07:29,123 [Michael] There's no point grabbing them. That's not going to work. 163 00:07:29,203 --> 00:07:31,523 -[Jack] No, no. -[Gareth] Hold on, Jack. 164 00:07:32,643 --> 00:07:34,243 -[sheep bleating] -Kumbaya, over there. 165 00:07:35,163 --> 00:07:35,963 What you doing? 166 00:07:37,323 --> 00:07:39,843 -What do you think, Michael? -He's not as bright as the sheep. 167 00:07:39,923 --> 00:07:41,803 I reckon if I get the leader… 168 00:07:43,723 --> 00:07:45,723 -[Jack grunts] Yes! -[Gareth] Oh, you got one in! 169 00:07:46,603 --> 00:07:49,283 [Gareth whistling] 170 00:07:49,363 --> 00:07:51,643 Jack, can you just fuck off? 171 00:07:51,723 --> 00:07:54,403 Because you're not doing anything, just causing havoc. 172 00:07:54,483 --> 00:07:57,003 -[sheep bleating] -[Gareth speaks Welsh] 173 00:07:58,043 --> 00:07:59,283 -I've pulled one! -Jack. 174 00:07:59,363 --> 00:08:00,883 What are you doing? 175 00:08:02,563 --> 00:08:04,683 Bring it in, Jack. [whistles] 176 00:08:04,763 --> 00:08:06,323 -[sheep bleat] -[whistles] 177 00:08:06,403 --> 00:08:07,603 Come-by, come-by. 178 00:08:07,683 --> 00:08:08,883 -Come on. -Come-by. 179 00:08:08,963 --> 00:08:10,163 -In you go, Jack. -Okay. 180 00:08:10,243 --> 00:08:11,923 In you go. [speaks Welsh] 181 00:08:15,963 --> 00:08:17,043 [in English] Sit. 182 00:08:17,123 --> 00:08:18,963 Sit. Sit. 183 00:08:20,603 --> 00:08:22,243 No! Back in there! 184 00:08:22,323 --> 00:08:23,563 What are you doing? 185 00:08:23,643 --> 00:08:26,443 [panting] 186 00:08:26,523 --> 00:08:28,763 You lot! Sheep! 187 00:08:28,843 --> 00:08:30,843 You're going in here now. 188 00:08:30,923 --> 00:08:32,843 We've had enough of this nonsense. 189 00:08:32,923 --> 00:08:36,683 I want you in this pen now. 190 00:08:36,763 --> 00:08:40,202 I will count to five and if you are not in these pens, 191 00:08:40,283 --> 00:08:42,163 you're going in a casserole. 192 00:08:42,243 --> 00:08:43,043 [sheep bleats] 193 00:08:43,602 --> 00:08:44,962 Stop fucking around. 194 00:08:45,043 --> 00:08:47,363 There, good, good. 195 00:08:47,883 --> 00:08:51,003 [triumphant orchestral music playing] 196 00:08:54,723 --> 00:08:56,563 -Yes! -Good boys. 197 00:08:56,643 --> 00:08:57,843 Well done. 198 00:08:57,923 --> 00:08:59,283 [Gareth chuckles] 199 00:08:59,923 --> 00:09:02,523 -Thank you, Michael. -That's how you do it, Jack. 200 00:09:02,603 --> 00:09:07,403 Just by sheer presence of mind and personality, 201 00:09:07,483 --> 00:09:09,483 I have got those sheep into there. 202 00:09:10,043 --> 00:09:11,883 I think it was a team effort. 203 00:09:11,963 --> 00:09:14,643 -I tired them out. -I will agree with that. 204 00:09:14,723 --> 00:09:16,163 They were exhausted by the end. 205 00:09:16,243 --> 00:09:17,043 They were like, 206 00:09:17,123 --> 00:09:19,483 "We can't be assed to do this anymore, let's get in the pen." 207 00:09:19,563 --> 00:09:21,683 Wonderful. Come on. [speaks Welsh] 208 00:09:23,763 --> 00:09:24,923 [in English] I'm not a sheep! 209 00:09:25,003 --> 00:09:25,843 -Go on. -No! 210 00:09:25,923 --> 00:09:27,723 No, no, no! 211 00:09:29,603 --> 00:09:32,403 [Gareth] You didn't close the fucking gate! 212 00:09:32,483 --> 00:09:33,683 After all that! 213 00:09:34,883 --> 00:09:39,163 [Jack] Next up, Gareth wants to give us a tour of his 2,000 acre farm 214 00:09:39,243 --> 00:09:40,923 in his all-terrain vehicle. 215 00:09:42,883 --> 00:09:46,203 To be brutally honest, once you've seen one acre, you've seen them all. 216 00:09:46,683 --> 00:09:49,283 Are you gentlemen all right in the back there? 217 00:09:49,363 --> 00:09:51,123 Daddy, you doing okay? 218 00:09:51,603 --> 00:09:53,123 [Gareth] Just don't stick your heads out. 219 00:09:53,203 --> 00:09:55,203 There's a bit of a cliff on the other side. 220 00:09:55,283 --> 00:09:56,283 [Michael] Wow. 221 00:09:57,283 --> 00:09:58,403 -[crunch] -Nine hundred feet. 222 00:09:58,483 --> 00:10:00,763 -[Michael groans] -Was that you, Michael? 223 00:10:01,603 --> 00:10:04,123 That's my hip gone. 224 00:10:04,203 --> 00:10:06,443 [Jack and Gareth laugh] 225 00:10:06,523 --> 00:10:08,443 At least you heard it go. 226 00:10:12,083 --> 00:10:13,603 [Gareth] Now it gets rough. 227 00:10:13,683 --> 00:10:15,163 [Jack] Oh no, Max. 228 00:10:15,643 --> 00:10:17,523 Max, that's not a great position for me. 229 00:10:17,603 --> 00:10:20,763 Max. Please, no, Max! 230 00:10:21,243 --> 00:10:22,203 [yelps] 231 00:10:23,283 --> 00:10:24,243 [laughing] Daddy. 232 00:10:25,163 --> 00:10:27,123 [Michael] How is it down there, Jack? 233 00:10:27,203 --> 00:10:29,323 Max just farted in my face 234 00:10:29,403 --> 00:10:31,763 from about an inch away. 235 00:10:32,283 --> 00:10:34,923 No, not again! Max, do not! 236 00:10:36,083 --> 00:10:38,123 Shut that sphincter! 237 00:10:38,963 --> 00:10:40,163 Don't you dare! 238 00:10:40,243 --> 00:10:41,123 Max! 239 00:10:41,203 --> 00:10:43,043 Do you think this is funny, Max? 240 00:10:43,123 --> 00:10:45,963 [Gareth] Oh, is he wanting a number two? 241 00:10:46,043 --> 00:10:46,923 [shrieks] No! 242 00:10:47,563 --> 00:10:48,363 Max! 243 00:10:49,083 --> 00:10:50,083 What's "stop"? 244 00:10:50,803 --> 00:10:52,043 What's "stop" in Welsh? 245 00:10:52,123 --> 00:10:53,563 -Cachu. -Cachu? 246 00:10:53,643 --> 00:10:55,283 -Cachu. -Cachu. 247 00:10:55,363 --> 00:10:57,403 -You just told him to shit. -No! 248 00:10:57,483 --> 00:10:59,443 [Gareth and Jack laugh] 249 00:10:59,523 --> 00:11:02,003 -[Gareth, in Welsh] Go on, shit on him! -[Jack, in English] No! 250 00:11:02,083 --> 00:11:03,083 Don't cachen! 251 00:11:05,003 --> 00:11:07,483 Well, here we go. We're on the top of Dinas. 252 00:11:12,843 --> 00:11:15,563 -[Jack and Michael grunt] -[Gareth] We've arrived. 253 00:11:18,083 --> 00:11:19,083 So, this is Dinas. 254 00:11:19,163 --> 00:11:22,523 And if you translate from the Welsh to the English, 255 00:11:22,603 --> 00:11:24,203 this means "a city." 256 00:11:24,283 --> 00:11:26,603 So this was an ancient, Celtic hillfort. 257 00:11:26,683 --> 00:11:28,243 You can see why they put it here. 258 00:11:28,323 --> 00:11:32,483 And my family's been working this land 370 years, Jack. 259 00:11:32,563 --> 00:11:34,203 -Liverpool over there? -That's it. 260 00:11:34,283 --> 00:11:36,123 You can hear the car alarms on the wind. 261 00:11:36,203 --> 00:11:39,683 [Gareth laughs] 262 00:11:39,763 --> 00:11:42,043 This place has something special to me 263 00:11:42,123 --> 00:11:44,883 since childhood, really. 264 00:11:44,963 --> 00:11:47,843 And this is the place where I'll finish my life. 265 00:11:47,923 --> 00:11:50,523 -Yeah. -Because I'll only go from here in a box. 266 00:11:50,603 --> 00:11:52,483 But there's a Welsh saying. 267 00:11:52,563 --> 00:11:55,563 [speaks Welsh] 268 00:11:56,523 --> 00:11:58,923 [in English] Place for the soul to find peace. 269 00:11:59,763 --> 00:12:02,443 And I always find this place that. 270 00:12:02,523 --> 00:12:04,683 [emotional orchestral music playing] 271 00:12:05,723 --> 00:12:07,723 You've got a big, wet patch on your back. 272 00:12:07,803 --> 00:12:09,563 -What? -[Michael] Yes, you have. 273 00:12:09,643 --> 00:12:11,243 I think Max has pissed on you, mate. 274 00:12:11,323 --> 00:12:12,603 -Are you joking? -No. 275 00:12:12,683 --> 00:12:14,723 -Is it actually? -Max peed… 276 00:12:14,803 --> 00:12:16,603 That's why he had his lipstick out. 277 00:12:17,243 --> 00:12:19,283 [Gareth] This is the rollercoaster. 278 00:12:20,363 --> 00:12:21,803 [Jack] That emotional ending 279 00:12:22,323 --> 00:12:25,163 brings to a close the Welsh part of our trip. 280 00:12:26,123 --> 00:12:29,563 Next, Mother has organized for us to travel a few miles north 281 00:12:29,643 --> 00:12:31,043 to the Lake District. 282 00:12:31,123 --> 00:12:33,883 Aptly named because, yes, you've guessed it, 283 00:12:33,963 --> 00:12:35,923 it's full of lakes. 284 00:12:36,723 --> 00:12:38,123 Dripping in them. 285 00:12:38,203 --> 00:12:39,603 [dramatic orchestral music playing] 286 00:12:40,243 --> 00:12:41,563 And pensioners. 287 00:12:42,203 --> 00:12:45,723 Yep, if you like lakes, you came to the right place. 288 00:12:46,883 --> 00:12:51,043 Mother Dearest has arranged for us to stay at the luxurious Armathwaite Hall 289 00:12:51,123 --> 00:12:53,323 and put on a cream tea for us. 290 00:12:53,403 --> 00:12:54,963 "Ooh, exciting," 291 00:12:55,043 --> 00:12:56,883 said nobody ever. 292 00:12:56,963 --> 00:12:59,203 Time to crank this up a gear. 293 00:12:59,683 --> 00:13:00,803 [Jack] Do you do shots? 294 00:13:01,283 --> 00:13:02,963 -[man] We've got tequila. -I'll get a pair. 295 00:13:03,043 --> 00:13:04,163 -Two tequilas? -Yeah. 296 00:13:04,243 --> 00:13:06,923 -[Michael] What are you doing? -You've never had a Mexican coffee? 297 00:13:07,003 --> 00:13:08,643 [Michael] This is supposed to be tea. 298 00:13:08,723 --> 00:13:10,323 -[Jack] Yeah. -[Michael] A cream tea. 299 00:13:11,083 --> 00:13:14,243 And all you're trying to do is sabotage it with tequilas. 300 00:13:14,323 --> 00:13:15,123 You are! 301 00:13:15,683 --> 00:13:19,403 No one has ever sabotaged anything with a tequila, they have only livened it up. 302 00:13:19,963 --> 00:13:22,523 The vibe is nearly as dry as this scone. 303 00:13:23,483 --> 00:13:25,243 -I'll do you a deal. -Yeah? 304 00:13:25,323 --> 00:13:27,163 -One game of croquet. -Yeah? 305 00:13:28,043 --> 00:13:30,523 If you win, we stick to Mommy's plan. 306 00:13:30,603 --> 00:13:32,763 If I win, we go rogue. 307 00:13:32,843 --> 00:13:34,683 Yeah, definitely. 308 00:13:34,763 --> 00:13:36,283 Up for that. 309 00:13:37,163 --> 00:13:37,963 Good. 310 00:13:38,043 --> 00:13:39,523 You are on… 311 00:13:40,683 --> 00:13:42,043 like Donkey Kong. 312 00:13:42,123 --> 00:13:42,923 Okay. 313 00:13:43,963 --> 00:13:45,043 Let's go. 314 00:13:45,123 --> 00:13:46,683 -Tequila, sir. -Thank you. 315 00:13:49,803 --> 00:13:51,603 Arriba! 316 00:13:51,683 --> 00:13:53,323 -Come on. -Oh God. 317 00:13:54,043 --> 00:13:55,363 I'm going to enjoy this. 318 00:13:55,443 --> 00:13:58,243 Absolutely hammer you. 319 00:13:59,523 --> 00:14:00,403 Right. 320 00:14:01,083 --> 00:14:03,163 -Here we are. -Winner takes it all. 321 00:14:03,243 --> 00:14:05,123 I'm going to take this off, too. 322 00:14:05,203 --> 00:14:06,683 Do you mind holding my coat? 323 00:14:09,283 --> 00:14:10,843 [Jack] Taking this seriously. 324 00:14:11,563 --> 00:14:12,523 [Michael] Right then. 325 00:14:13,483 --> 00:14:15,083 Right, there we go. 326 00:14:17,203 --> 00:14:19,963 -[horn blares] -Fuck. You put… 327 00:14:20,483 --> 00:14:22,403 -What is that noise? -It's a train. 328 00:14:23,563 --> 00:14:25,803 -It was a train. -That was not a train. 329 00:14:25,883 --> 00:14:28,483 -It's come from your phone. -It's not. Did you not…? 330 00:14:28,563 --> 00:14:30,003 -You're a cheat. -I'm not! 331 00:14:30,083 --> 00:14:31,403 -You are a cheat! -I'm not! 332 00:14:31,483 --> 00:14:33,123 I've been… 333 00:14:33,203 --> 00:14:35,483 -You're a lousy cheat. -No, no. 334 00:14:35,563 --> 00:14:39,043 -It wasn't me! -You are a lousy cheat. 335 00:14:39,123 --> 00:14:41,283 [horn blares] 336 00:14:41,363 --> 00:14:45,003 It's the train. There's a railway line over there. 337 00:14:45,083 --> 00:14:46,003 No! 338 00:14:46,083 --> 00:14:47,843 [serene orchestral music playing] 339 00:14:47,923 --> 00:14:50,083 [Jack] Having won the bet, I want to show Michael 340 00:14:50,163 --> 00:14:53,043 that the UK isn't all cream teas and croquet. 341 00:14:53,123 --> 00:14:56,243 There's some truly surprising stuff going on in the country. 342 00:14:57,203 --> 00:15:00,283 Admittedly, most of the stuff here is going to be lake-based. 343 00:15:00,363 --> 00:15:04,123 But one such activity happens to be cold water swimming. 344 00:15:04,203 --> 00:15:06,123 We've come down to Bassenthwaite Lake 345 00:15:06,203 --> 00:15:08,603 to meet local wild swimming enthusiast Winnie 346 00:15:08,683 --> 00:15:10,363 to see what it's all about. 347 00:15:11,243 --> 00:15:12,243 Winnie. 348 00:15:12,323 --> 00:15:13,923 -Jack! [laughs] -Hello, how are you? 349 00:15:14,003 --> 00:15:17,363 -Nice to meet you. -[Michael] Winnie as in Winston Churchill? 350 00:15:17,443 --> 00:15:18,763 No, as in Winnie the Pooh. 351 00:15:18,843 --> 00:15:21,563 -[Michael] Oh yes, of course. -Yeah. 352 00:15:21,643 --> 00:15:24,003 -It's very safe in there, isn't it? -Super safe. 353 00:15:24,083 --> 00:15:26,043 There's no sharks or 354 00:15:26,643 --> 00:15:28,003 crocodiles or anything? 355 00:15:28,083 --> 00:15:29,923 Unless we go to Congo, where I'm from. 356 00:15:30,003 --> 00:15:32,123 When I was little, we didn't swim. 357 00:15:32,203 --> 00:15:35,723 And, you know, we just saw white people swimming, 358 00:15:35,803 --> 00:15:38,003 but we were never allowed to swim. 359 00:15:38,083 --> 00:15:40,323 It was frowned upon because lots of people died. 360 00:15:40,403 --> 00:15:43,683 But, when I moved to the Lakes, it was so accessible 361 00:15:43,763 --> 00:15:45,723 and I thought, "No, I need to give it a go." 362 00:15:45,803 --> 00:15:47,403 So, I've got a tow float for you. 363 00:15:48,043 --> 00:15:49,083 Oh, I won't need that. 364 00:15:49,163 --> 00:15:52,883 It's a tow float so you can be seen, because sometimes there's lots of boats. 365 00:15:52,963 --> 00:15:54,963 I don't need that. I've got it covered. 366 00:15:55,043 --> 00:15:56,643 -[laughs] -I'll go in. 367 00:15:56,723 --> 00:15:58,803 [Winnie laughs loudly] 368 00:15:58,883 --> 00:16:00,203 -[Jack] Sans wetsuit. -Yeah. 369 00:16:00,283 --> 00:16:02,603 -[Michael] Oh, God. -[Winnie] Oh wow, check you out! 370 00:16:02,683 --> 00:16:03,843 [laughs] 371 00:16:06,443 --> 00:16:08,683 There's a label, there's a label. 372 00:16:10,323 --> 00:16:11,323 It's a sock. 373 00:16:13,083 --> 00:16:14,123 What is that? 374 00:16:14,203 --> 00:16:16,083 [Winnie laughs hysterically] 375 00:16:16,163 --> 00:16:18,563 It's not a label, it's a sock. 376 00:16:18,643 --> 00:16:20,603 [laughing] I knew the water was going to be cold… 377 00:16:22,323 --> 00:16:24,883 so I thought I'd put in a sock. 378 00:16:24,963 --> 00:16:26,683 I'll pretend I didn't see that. 379 00:16:28,603 --> 00:16:29,443 Let's go. 380 00:16:30,203 --> 00:16:31,523 -[shrieks] -[Winnie] Wait for… 381 00:16:33,723 --> 00:16:35,243 Fuck that. I'll take a wetsuit. 382 00:16:37,203 --> 00:16:38,843 -A wetsuit. -That is so cold. 383 00:16:38,923 --> 00:16:40,443 It's not. It's warmed up. 384 00:16:40,523 --> 00:16:42,963 -Come on, let's give it a go. -I need a bigger sock. 385 00:16:43,043 --> 00:16:44,483 [Michael] You might need a pair. 386 00:16:44,563 --> 00:16:46,203 [jaunty instrumental music playing] 387 00:16:46,763 --> 00:16:48,083 You really don't need it. 388 00:16:48,163 --> 00:16:49,483 I'd be happy to help. 389 00:16:50,523 --> 00:16:51,683 Are we in? 390 00:16:53,883 --> 00:16:55,603 The sock's ridden up a bit. 391 00:16:57,603 --> 00:17:01,603 [Michael] He's always been better at getting his kit off than putting it on. 392 00:17:03,203 --> 00:17:05,923 I think you've rearranged a couple of my organs there. 393 00:17:08,323 --> 00:17:09,203 [Jack] Let's get in. 394 00:17:09,803 --> 00:17:11,642 -Take your time, Jack. -Okay. 395 00:17:11,723 --> 00:17:13,323 We're about to get to the moment 396 00:17:13,402 --> 00:17:16,162 where, for a man, this becomes a very unpleasant experience. 397 00:17:16,243 --> 00:17:17,882 -Oh, your balls? -Yeah. 398 00:17:18,923 --> 00:17:23,402 But cold water swimming is good for your libido. 399 00:17:23,483 --> 00:17:25,283 -Is it? Really? -Yeah, yeah. 400 00:17:25,362 --> 00:17:27,362 And for women, it makes you a bit tighter. 401 00:17:27,443 --> 00:17:30,443 [both laugh] 402 00:17:30,523 --> 00:17:32,763 That was the rock, not a reaction to that. 403 00:17:33,923 --> 00:17:34,723 [Jack exhales] 404 00:17:34,803 --> 00:17:36,123 You going to have a stroke? 405 00:17:36,203 --> 00:17:38,803 I don't know. I'm quite happy just sort of paddling. 406 00:17:38,883 --> 00:17:39,883 You will enjoy it. 407 00:17:39,963 --> 00:17:41,803 Then I can have a little stroke in 408 00:17:41,883 --> 00:17:42,683 [yells] the deep. 409 00:17:42,763 --> 00:17:43,803 [yelps] 410 00:17:43,883 --> 00:17:45,763 Winnie! Winnie! 411 00:17:45,843 --> 00:17:47,363 [Jack gasps] 412 00:17:48,563 --> 00:17:49,683 We're in! 413 00:17:50,763 --> 00:17:52,643 -Jack, just… -[Jack] That's fresh. 414 00:17:52,723 --> 00:17:54,643 [Michael] Stop behaving like a wimp. 415 00:17:55,843 --> 00:17:58,363 You're meant to be Mr. Merman, aren't you? 416 00:17:59,523 --> 00:18:03,723 [Jack] Michael, not content to lambast me from the shore, has hired a boat. 417 00:18:03,803 --> 00:18:06,003 Why is there never an iceberg when you need one? 418 00:18:06,083 --> 00:18:09,163 Get your wetsuit off and stop being such a wimp. 419 00:18:09,243 --> 00:18:10,043 [Jack grunts] 420 00:18:10,603 --> 00:18:13,083 [whining] I don't want to. Winnie, I like the wetsuit. 421 00:18:13,163 --> 00:18:16,483 You'll feel… You get the benefit better when you take it off. 422 00:18:17,043 --> 00:18:18,243 You feel 423 00:18:18,323 --> 00:18:19,283 like you're alive. 424 00:18:19,363 --> 00:18:20,963 Trust me, trust me. [giggles] 425 00:18:22,123 --> 00:18:24,283 Okay. Get it off me. 426 00:18:24,363 --> 00:18:25,683 [breathes deep] 427 00:18:26,683 --> 00:18:27,963 [grunts] Okay. 428 00:18:28,523 --> 00:18:30,483 -[Winnie laughs] -[Jack shrieks] 429 00:18:30,563 --> 00:18:31,803 I hate you, Winnie! 430 00:18:31,883 --> 00:18:34,163 [Jack pants and grunts] 431 00:18:37,323 --> 00:18:38,363 Yeah! 432 00:18:38,443 --> 00:18:40,363 [Jack shrieks and pants] 433 00:18:40,443 --> 00:18:42,163 I can't feel anything. 434 00:18:42,243 --> 00:18:44,003 This is horrible, Winnie. 435 00:18:44,083 --> 00:18:46,203 [Jack] I know it may look sunny, but in my defense 436 00:18:46,283 --> 00:18:49,603 that water is as cold as the blood that runs through Daddy's veins. 437 00:18:49,683 --> 00:18:52,723 -Don't leave me! -No, you are not coming in this boat. 438 00:18:52,803 --> 00:18:54,203 Go away. 439 00:18:54,283 --> 00:18:56,203 If you need to, whack him with the oar. 440 00:18:56,283 --> 00:18:58,763 Michael! How could you leave me? 441 00:18:59,563 --> 00:19:01,443 -Are you feeling the benefit? -Oh, yeah. 442 00:19:01,523 --> 00:19:02,843 -Do you feel alive? -I feel… 443 00:19:02,923 --> 00:19:05,003 -Do you feel…? -I feel alive! 444 00:19:05,083 --> 00:19:06,203 [Jack whoops] 445 00:19:06,283 --> 00:19:07,523 The sock friend. 446 00:19:08,083 --> 00:19:09,163 All washed up. 447 00:19:11,243 --> 00:19:12,763 Look, fuck off! 448 00:19:12,843 --> 00:19:14,963 [Winnie laughs] 449 00:19:16,403 --> 00:19:18,523 Winnie, that was an amazing experience. 450 00:19:18,603 --> 00:19:19,803 -You enjoyed it. -Yeah. 451 00:19:20,963 --> 00:19:22,283 -I should… -No, I'll keep it. 452 00:19:22,363 --> 00:19:23,323 Okay. 453 00:19:24,323 --> 00:19:26,603 A little memento of our time together. 454 00:19:26,683 --> 00:19:28,843 -Winnie! -[Winnie laughs] 455 00:19:29,403 --> 00:19:31,003 Sorry, sorry. 456 00:19:31,083 --> 00:19:32,243 Sorry. 457 00:19:32,323 --> 00:19:35,483 [serene classical music playing] 458 00:19:35,563 --> 00:19:38,163 I really enjoyed my wild swimming experience. 459 00:19:38,243 --> 00:19:39,323 But, 460 00:19:39,403 --> 00:19:43,003 in hindsight I can see why it's an activity that attracts 461 00:19:43,083 --> 00:19:45,283 a lot more women than men. 462 00:19:47,403 --> 00:19:49,563 The turtle has 463 00:19:49,643 --> 00:19:51,643 somewhat retreated into the shell. 464 00:19:53,083 --> 00:19:55,043 I don't know if it will ever come back out. 465 00:19:55,643 --> 00:19:59,203 [jazzy music playing] 466 00:19:59,283 --> 00:20:03,923 [Jack] Next up, I've planned a unique activity even Michael can join in with. 467 00:20:04,763 --> 00:20:07,643 The countryside ramble has been given a glow-up in the UK. 468 00:20:08,403 --> 00:20:10,283 Welcome to trekking 469 00:20:10,363 --> 00:20:11,643 with llamas. 470 00:20:12,283 --> 00:20:14,923 We are hiking Catbells Terrace with George 471 00:20:15,003 --> 00:20:16,003 and Dopey. 472 00:20:16,083 --> 00:20:17,483 He's the one on the left. 473 00:20:17,563 --> 00:20:20,283 Led by our guide Ruby with Sven. 474 00:20:21,803 --> 00:20:24,043 [Ruby] We'll just take our time up to the top here. 475 00:20:24,123 --> 00:20:25,923 [Jack] Is Dopey a man or a woman? 476 00:20:26,003 --> 00:20:29,523 -He's a male, but he's a castrated male. -Yeah, I was just sort of… 477 00:20:29,603 --> 00:20:32,323 You're not going to see much manhood there. 478 00:20:32,403 --> 00:20:33,723 Come on, Dopey. 479 00:20:33,803 --> 00:20:36,683 When were you castrated? How long ago? 480 00:20:37,163 --> 00:20:38,763 Did it hurt? 481 00:20:40,403 --> 00:20:41,203 So, 482 00:20:41,283 --> 00:20:43,683 we're looking out on Derwentwater here. 483 00:20:43,763 --> 00:20:48,843 Up to the left, that's Skiddaw, and then down on the lake, we've got a few islands. 484 00:20:48,923 --> 00:20:52,523 We've got St Herbert's Island, but we've also got Derwent Isle. 485 00:20:52,603 --> 00:20:54,563 -Very nice, Jack. -Beautiful. 486 00:20:54,643 --> 00:20:56,883 -[llamas grumble] -You've mentioned St Herbert. 487 00:20:56,963 --> 00:20:59,643 I've never heard of a saint called Herbert. 488 00:21:00,683 --> 00:21:02,523 But there obviously is a St Herbert. 489 00:21:02,603 --> 00:21:05,323 [Ruby] Lord Pocklington used to think he was the king of Keswick 490 00:21:05,403 --> 00:21:07,043 and fired cannons at people's boats. 491 00:21:07,123 --> 00:21:08,483 Quite an eccentric chap. 492 00:21:08,563 --> 00:21:10,763 And then we're looking out on… 493 00:21:10,843 --> 00:21:11,803 [George bleats] 494 00:21:11,883 --> 00:21:13,163 What you…? 495 00:21:13,243 --> 00:21:14,563 What are you doing? 496 00:21:14,643 --> 00:21:15,723 -Nothing. -Stop it. 497 00:21:15,803 --> 00:21:17,323 -I'm not, Daddy… -Stop it. 498 00:21:17,403 --> 00:21:20,723 -I'm just giving them a little… -Do you want this stick up your ass? 499 00:21:20,803 --> 00:21:22,003 Just stop doing that. 500 00:21:22,763 --> 00:21:26,843 You have a bowl in your hat. I thought it would be a nice place for the feed. 501 00:21:27,523 --> 00:21:28,643 Look, they'll love it. 502 00:21:28,723 --> 00:21:30,403 -Let me put it in here. -No! 503 00:21:30,483 --> 00:21:32,323 And you just squat and they'll feed. 504 00:21:33,283 --> 00:21:35,523 I don't want it in my hat. 505 00:21:35,603 --> 00:21:37,083 Dopey does. 506 00:21:37,163 --> 00:21:38,443 [llama bleats] 507 00:21:38,523 --> 00:21:40,123 We'll start walking this way, guys. 508 00:21:41,443 --> 00:21:44,763 Are you going to scratch your balls again, or where your balls used to be? 509 00:21:44,843 --> 00:21:46,483 Come on, Jack, get on with it. 510 00:21:47,443 --> 00:21:49,683 Who's walking who up there? 511 00:21:49,763 --> 00:21:51,083 [Jack] It's not down there. 512 00:21:51,163 --> 00:21:53,603 -Jack, why are you in such… -No, no, no. 513 00:21:54,403 --> 00:21:56,483 [Michael] Completely out of control. 514 00:21:56,563 --> 00:21:59,323 [Jack] George, walk, please. You're making me look like a fool. 515 00:21:59,403 --> 00:22:01,723 You're making me look like a fool, George. 516 00:22:01,803 --> 00:22:03,763 Come on, let's just stay on the track. 517 00:22:05,003 --> 00:22:07,323 Like Ruby said. Yes, better. Thank you. 518 00:22:07,403 --> 00:22:09,803 If he's this frisky now, imagine what he was like 519 00:22:09,883 --> 00:22:11,283 when he had a set of bollocks. 520 00:22:12,123 --> 00:22:15,083 [Michael] You've had enough of that, come on. Come with Daddy. 521 00:22:15,163 --> 00:22:17,163 There's a good Dopey baby. 522 00:22:17,243 --> 00:22:19,003 [Jack groans] Not the Winston voice. 523 00:22:19,083 --> 00:22:20,443 Yes. 524 00:22:20,523 --> 00:22:22,323 When did you become a llama expert? 525 00:22:23,163 --> 00:22:25,563 I think we ought to get one of these. 526 00:22:25,643 --> 00:22:29,203 Dopey, would you like to come to Oxfordshire with me? 527 00:22:29,283 --> 00:22:31,363 We've just bought a nice house in the country. 528 00:22:31,923 --> 00:22:33,723 Once my wife gets used to you, 529 00:22:34,363 --> 00:22:36,523 you can sleep at the end of our bed. 530 00:22:38,723 --> 00:22:41,643 I wasn't expecting to bond with a… 531 00:22:42,403 --> 00:22:43,643 with a llama. 532 00:22:44,243 --> 00:22:46,683 I thought that llama was really sweet. 533 00:22:46,763 --> 00:22:49,203 Do you know what I would call a llama if I had one? 534 00:22:49,283 --> 00:22:50,723 -What? -Dalai. 535 00:22:51,243 --> 00:22:52,163 Yes. 536 00:22:53,603 --> 00:22:55,203 Dalai Llama. 537 00:22:55,763 --> 00:22:56,803 Everybody would go… 538 00:22:56,883 --> 00:23:00,443 [sniggers] "Jack, you're so funny." 539 00:23:01,363 --> 00:23:03,163 [Jack] Kendrick "Llamar"? 540 00:23:04,043 --> 00:23:06,483 [Michael] I don't know what you're talking about. 541 00:23:08,603 --> 00:23:10,923 [Jack] I've had enough of the stuffy hotels Mommy's booked. 542 00:23:11,523 --> 00:23:15,203 Tonight in Cartmel, I've booked us somewhere fun, relaxed 543 00:23:15,283 --> 00:23:16,443 and different. 544 00:23:16,523 --> 00:23:18,203 Well, rural. 545 00:23:18,283 --> 00:23:19,843 Definitely rural. 546 00:23:22,803 --> 00:23:23,803 Ah, hello. 547 00:23:24,363 --> 00:23:26,163 Good afternoon and welcome. 548 00:23:26,243 --> 00:23:28,203 We've got your room all ready for you. 549 00:23:28,283 --> 00:23:30,443 If you'd like to head through over there. 550 00:23:30,523 --> 00:23:32,403 -[Jack] Thanks very much. -[Michael] Right. 551 00:23:32,483 --> 00:23:34,043 Quite rustic, isn't it? 552 00:23:34,123 --> 00:23:36,083 I told you, it's a converted stable. 553 00:23:36,163 --> 00:23:38,363 Right, okay. What the fuck is this? 554 00:23:39,363 --> 00:23:41,203 -I know… -Yes? 555 00:23:41,283 --> 00:23:42,483 …what you're going to say. 556 00:23:42,563 --> 00:23:45,243 This room does not have a television. 557 00:23:45,323 --> 00:23:48,283 But it's fine, I've got my laptop and we can watch Netflix. 558 00:23:48,363 --> 00:23:50,163 This is a wind-up, isn't it? 559 00:23:50,803 --> 00:23:52,683 You're just winding me up. 560 00:23:52,763 --> 00:23:55,763 You want a country life. This is the country life. 561 00:23:56,323 --> 00:23:57,523 [horse nickers] 562 00:23:58,123 --> 00:23:59,483 [Jack] Sleeping with a horse. 563 00:24:00,083 --> 00:24:02,563 -Shall we make ourselves at home? -Good joke. 564 00:24:02,643 --> 00:24:04,043 Let's go back to the car. 565 00:24:04,123 --> 00:24:05,643 No, Daddy, we're staying here. 566 00:24:05,723 --> 00:24:08,043 This is the ultimate equine 567 00:24:08,563 --> 00:24:09,603 experience. 568 00:24:09,683 --> 00:24:11,923 I don't want an equine experience. 569 00:24:12,003 --> 00:24:14,123 I'm not going to sleep in here with a horse. 570 00:24:14,203 --> 00:24:17,403 You're not with the horse. It's next door and we sleep in the bed. 571 00:24:17,483 --> 00:24:20,923 If this doesn't prepare you for country living, I don't know what will. 572 00:24:21,003 --> 00:24:23,723 [Jack] This is actually a real thing. 573 00:24:24,403 --> 00:24:27,563 Our hosts' stable stays invite guests to spend the night 574 00:24:27,643 --> 00:24:30,003 sleeping next to a huge Friesian horse. 575 00:24:30,763 --> 00:24:31,723 Ridiculous. 576 00:24:32,883 --> 00:24:34,803 Shall we make ourselves at home? 577 00:24:34,883 --> 00:24:36,483 If I'm going to bed in here, 578 00:24:36,563 --> 00:24:39,563 I'm going to need a very strong sleeping pill. 579 00:24:40,443 --> 00:24:42,763 I can ask Matey if he's got any ketamine. 580 00:24:43,563 --> 00:24:45,963 [tranquil guitar music playing] 581 00:24:46,043 --> 00:24:47,523 [Jack] As night sets in, 582 00:24:47,603 --> 00:24:50,963 Don Whitehall is looking a little scared at the prospect 583 00:24:51,043 --> 00:24:54,083 of waking up with a horse's head in his bed. 584 00:24:57,163 --> 00:24:58,003 [grunts] 585 00:24:58,083 --> 00:25:00,883 I might sleep this end so I can see the horsie more. 586 00:25:05,523 --> 00:25:07,563 -Hey, Daddy. -What are you doing? 587 00:25:07,643 --> 00:25:10,163 -Are you saying good night to the horse? -No. 588 00:25:10,243 --> 00:25:11,723 I haven't said hello to the horse 589 00:25:11,803 --> 00:25:13,563 and I'm not going to say good night to it. 590 00:25:13,643 --> 00:25:15,803 Just go to bed, okay? 591 00:25:17,163 --> 00:25:19,723 I see that you've popped out 592 00:25:20,283 --> 00:25:21,363 the old riot baton. 593 00:25:21,443 --> 00:25:23,843 Oh my God, look at the size of it, Daddy. 594 00:25:23,923 --> 00:25:24,723 Look at it. 595 00:25:24,803 --> 00:25:27,083 I normally get that in the morning. 596 00:25:27,763 --> 00:25:30,323 Do you think we're we all right to go to bed with it like that? 597 00:25:31,443 --> 00:25:33,363 -Daddy? -What? 598 00:25:33,443 --> 00:25:35,563 Look at the horse. It's fully tumescent. 599 00:25:35,643 --> 00:25:37,243 I think you should go in there 600 00:25:37,323 --> 00:25:39,523 with a table spoon and give it a whack. 601 00:25:39,603 --> 00:25:40,523 Right. 602 00:25:42,203 --> 00:25:44,803 Right, I think we're going to bed now, Jack. Good night. 603 00:25:45,443 --> 00:25:46,323 Right. 604 00:25:46,803 --> 00:25:48,563 Horseplay over I think. 605 00:25:50,683 --> 00:25:51,563 [grunts] 606 00:25:52,923 --> 00:25:53,963 Night night, Daddy. 607 00:25:55,443 --> 00:25:57,443 Breakfast-wise tomorrow, shall we just 608 00:25:58,003 --> 00:25:59,243 get it on the hoof? 609 00:26:01,723 --> 00:26:02,723 Need to make sure I 610 00:26:03,283 --> 00:26:04,963 maintain a stable diet. 611 00:26:05,723 --> 00:26:06,523 Jack. 612 00:26:07,283 --> 00:26:10,643 Will you fucking rein it in? 613 00:26:12,443 --> 00:26:14,283 Please don't use 614 00:26:14,363 --> 00:26:16,483 foal language. 615 00:26:17,363 --> 00:26:18,403 [sniggers] 616 00:26:21,563 --> 00:26:25,683 [tranquil guitar music playing] 617 00:26:27,203 --> 00:26:30,763 [Jack] This place comes with so many extra perks, including the option 618 00:26:30,843 --> 00:26:35,363 of an early morning wake-up call from one of their friendly chambermaids. 619 00:26:37,723 --> 00:26:39,123 Oh my God, Jack. 620 00:26:39,803 --> 00:26:40,803 Yeah? 621 00:26:40,883 --> 00:26:42,683 What is this mare? 622 00:26:42,763 --> 00:26:44,043 That's Mr. J.B. 623 00:26:45,043 --> 00:26:47,243 Well, take Mr. J.B. away. 624 00:26:47,323 --> 00:26:49,643 -I don't want it in bed. -It's a wake-up call. 625 00:26:49,723 --> 00:26:50,523 No. 626 00:26:50,603 --> 00:26:52,163 -It's a Shetland pony. -No. 627 00:26:52,243 --> 00:26:54,923 -Isn't that the cutest thing you've seen? -No, it is not. 628 00:26:55,003 --> 00:26:57,083 Beats any alarm clock, right? 629 00:26:57,163 --> 00:26:58,243 How did you sleep? 630 00:26:58,323 --> 00:27:00,923 I can't believe I agreed to any of this. 631 00:27:01,443 --> 00:27:04,163 I slept absolutely appallingly. 632 00:27:04,243 --> 00:27:06,843 You are sounding a little hoarse this morning. 633 00:27:06,923 --> 00:27:08,883 Don't start that again. 634 00:27:08,963 --> 00:27:12,603 This horse seems to be getting out of control down here, Jack. 635 00:27:12,683 --> 00:27:15,643 -Can you sort it? -What do you mean, "sort it"? 636 00:27:18,523 --> 00:27:19,323 Hello. 637 00:27:19,403 --> 00:27:21,963 -You're not getting into bed. -Do you want a cuddle? 638 00:27:22,043 --> 00:27:23,043 -[Jack shouts] -No. 639 00:27:26,123 --> 00:27:27,723 [exhales] That's heavy of foot. 640 00:27:27,803 --> 00:27:29,923 -You've got yourself to blame for that. -[grunts] 641 00:27:30,763 --> 00:27:34,043 I've seen some things in my time, but this really does 642 00:27:34,123 --> 00:27:35,523 take the horse biscuit. 643 00:27:36,403 --> 00:27:37,683 It's trying to get in. 644 00:27:37,763 --> 00:27:40,163 You're not getting in this bed. No! 645 00:27:41,243 --> 00:27:43,203 [Jack] It thinks it's found a wrinkly old carrot. 646 00:27:43,283 --> 00:27:44,163 [Michael] No. 647 00:27:46,523 --> 00:27:50,203 [Jack] Well, now I've blown Michael's mind and probably the ponies' as well, 648 00:27:50,283 --> 00:27:52,443 it's time to return to Mommy's itinerary. 649 00:27:52,523 --> 00:27:54,323 [bagpipe music playing] 650 00:27:55,723 --> 00:27:58,923 So, from the stunning Lake District, we drive five hours north, 651 00:27:59,003 --> 00:28:02,403 across the border and into the highlands of Scotland. 652 00:28:06,603 --> 00:28:09,603 On the way, taking in the breathtaking sights 653 00:28:09,683 --> 00:28:11,563 of the Glencoe Mountains. 654 00:28:12,923 --> 00:28:17,723 But suddenly, the whole trip is imperiled with a serious medical emergency. 655 00:28:18,523 --> 00:28:20,763 That Shetland pony reared up. 656 00:28:21,963 --> 00:28:23,283 -"Reared up"? -It reared up. 657 00:28:23,363 --> 00:28:26,043 And then it stamped down on my toe. 658 00:28:28,163 --> 00:28:30,283 [groans] 659 00:28:35,883 --> 00:28:36,843 Where's it gone? 660 00:28:37,643 --> 00:28:40,883 -Have you washed your feet recently? -I can't wash my foot. 661 00:28:40,963 --> 00:28:43,483 Because it's quite pongy in here. 662 00:28:43,563 --> 00:28:45,843 -That is not normal. -I don't want it. 663 00:28:46,603 --> 00:28:49,203 -No. No! -Do you think that's sepsis? 664 00:28:49,283 --> 00:28:50,723 -No! -It could be sepsis. 665 00:28:50,803 --> 00:28:52,603 -Move it away. -Ow! Daddy! 666 00:28:52,683 --> 00:28:54,483 I'm trying to drive. 667 00:28:54,563 --> 00:28:56,523 [folk music playing] 668 00:28:56,603 --> 00:28:59,123 [Jack] Later that day and one suit change later for Michael, 669 00:28:59,203 --> 00:29:02,003 we arrive at our Scottish accommodation Mother has arranged: 670 00:29:02,083 --> 00:29:04,003 Carberry Tower in Musselburgh. 671 00:29:05,563 --> 00:29:08,243 [Michael] What's that wheelchair doing there? 672 00:29:08,323 --> 00:29:11,083 -I called ahead and asked for assistance. -You didn't. 673 00:29:11,163 --> 00:29:11,963 Yes. 674 00:29:12,043 --> 00:29:15,083 You did not seriously do that. 675 00:29:15,163 --> 00:29:16,323 I'm injured. 676 00:29:16,923 --> 00:29:18,883 It's a service that they provide. 677 00:29:18,963 --> 00:29:21,963 -I called ahead and requested it. -Ridiculous. 678 00:29:22,043 --> 00:29:24,803 It's not being ridiculous. I've hurt myself. 679 00:29:25,723 --> 00:29:26,963 I have hurt my foot. 680 00:29:27,803 --> 00:29:29,843 -[man] Good afternoon, sir. How are you? -Hey. 681 00:29:29,923 --> 00:29:31,843 -Hiya, mate. Sorry. -Oh dear. 682 00:29:32,803 --> 00:29:34,763 -Are you okay, sir? -Yeah. [grunts] 683 00:29:34,843 --> 00:29:36,523 -Thank you. -Goodness gracious me. 684 00:29:36,603 --> 00:29:37,683 What's happened here? 685 00:29:37,763 --> 00:29:39,803 I had a riding accident. 686 00:29:39,883 --> 00:29:41,203 I'm so sorry to hear that. 687 00:29:41,283 --> 00:29:43,123 I'm sorry to say that is all bollocks. 688 00:29:43,843 --> 00:29:46,043 You were playing footsie with My Little Pony. 689 00:29:46,123 --> 00:29:47,803 -That's not true. -You were. 690 00:29:47,883 --> 00:29:50,643 -Can you just get the bags, please? -Yes, I can. 691 00:29:51,963 --> 00:29:52,763 Careful. 692 00:29:52,843 --> 00:29:53,923 [Jack whimpers] 693 00:29:55,003 --> 00:29:59,963 I can't believe he's asked me to bring his fucking bags in. 694 00:30:00,043 --> 00:30:02,283 [receptionist] …beautiful grounds and the sun is shining. 695 00:30:02,363 --> 00:30:03,763 I wish I could 696 00:30:03,843 --> 00:30:06,163 say I'd be able to walk around the grounds, but… 697 00:30:06,243 --> 00:30:09,603 -We've got a walking stick for you. -Bloody backpack, too. 698 00:30:11,043 --> 00:30:12,603 -Enough of that. -Daddy! 699 00:30:12,683 --> 00:30:16,163 Oh! Yeah, you were out of that wheelchair quickly. 700 00:30:16,243 --> 00:30:18,003 This has got valuable things in it. 701 00:30:18,083 --> 00:30:19,763 Yes, I'm sure it has. 702 00:30:21,323 --> 00:30:23,683 -I do beg your pardon. -That's no problem at all. 703 00:30:24,363 --> 00:30:27,203 -If you'd just like to follow me. -[Jack] Can I get a hand, please? 704 00:30:27,683 --> 00:30:29,323 -[Michael] No, you can do that. -Michael. 705 00:30:29,403 --> 00:30:30,323 Don't be ridiculous. 706 00:30:31,123 --> 00:30:31,963 I'm not… 707 00:30:35,083 --> 00:30:36,043 [grunts] 708 00:30:36,643 --> 00:30:37,523 Daddy! 709 00:30:39,243 --> 00:30:41,763 [bagpipe music playing] 710 00:30:41,843 --> 00:30:44,723 [Jack] The next morning, Hilary's arranged something that's always been 711 00:30:44,803 --> 00:30:47,003 a personal childhood dream of mine: 712 00:30:47,083 --> 00:30:48,163 to go in search 713 00:30:48,243 --> 00:30:49,843 of the Loch Ness Monster. 714 00:30:52,723 --> 00:30:57,723 May 2nd, 1933, the Loch Ness Monster was first photographed. 715 00:30:57,803 --> 00:31:00,843 Later exposed to be a hoax but oddly, since then, 716 00:31:00,923 --> 00:31:03,243 there have been hundreds of sightings. 717 00:31:05,283 --> 00:31:09,243 To help us try to find the Monster, we've sought out the Nessie Hunter. 718 00:31:11,403 --> 00:31:13,043 Keep your eyes peeled. 719 00:31:13,123 --> 00:31:14,723 It could appear at any moment. 720 00:31:16,603 --> 00:31:18,363 -Cor! -[Jack splutters] 721 00:31:19,403 --> 00:31:20,323 Oh no, sorry. 722 00:31:20,403 --> 00:31:22,043 No, no, that's just a duck. Sorry. 723 00:31:22,963 --> 00:31:24,243 -Hello. -You must be Steve. 724 00:31:24,323 --> 00:31:26,723 -You must be Jack. -You must be Steve. 725 00:31:26,803 --> 00:31:27,603 Nice to meet you. 726 00:31:27,683 --> 00:31:29,843 -This is Michael. -Hello, nice to meet you. 727 00:31:32,003 --> 00:31:35,883 [Jack] Steve Feltham gave up his everyday life 30 years ago 728 00:31:35,963 --> 00:31:38,523 to come live in this caravan on the shores of Loch Ness 729 00:31:38,603 --> 00:31:40,163 to search for the Monster. 730 00:31:40,723 --> 00:31:43,283 This guy really is a modern-day hero. 731 00:31:44,323 --> 00:31:49,163 What's the closest you've ever come to a Nessie sighting? 732 00:31:49,243 --> 00:31:50,403 Last summer, 733 00:31:50,483 --> 00:31:53,283 a friend of mine at the other end of the Loch, he brought me 734 00:31:54,003 --> 00:31:56,723 the best bit of evidence I've ever seen in the history of… 735 00:31:56,803 --> 00:31:59,203 -Hang on, I've got it. I'll show you. -Is it a skull? 736 00:31:59,883 --> 00:32:00,803 [Steve laughs] 737 00:32:00,883 --> 00:32:03,483 -A skull with a really long neck. -Hang on. 738 00:32:03,563 --> 00:32:05,643 [grunting] I've got it here. 739 00:32:06,723 --> 00:32:07,563 You will like this. 740 00:32:08,283 --> 00:32:09,723 -That there, look. -[Jack gasps] 741 00:32:09,803 --> 00:32:12,283 [Steve] That's about 20 feet long. 742 00:32:12,363 --> 00:32:14,523 That's in about 500 foot of water, maybe. 743 00:32:15,563 --> 00:32:16,683 Looks like a croissant. 744 00:32:16,763 --> 00:32:18,363 And the boat that got this 745 00:32:18,843 --> 00:32:20,763 does hour-long trips every day. 746 00:32:20,843 --> 00:32:24,043 So he's been over this spot hundreds and hundreds of times. 747 00:32:24,123 --> 00:32:26,243 So our best chance 748 00:32:26,723 --> 00:32:28,283 of finding Nessie might be 749 00:32:29,203 --> 00:32:30,123 to get on this boat. 750 00:32:30,203 --> 00:32:32,403 If we went out with him on his boat. 751 00:32:32,483 --> 00:32:34,083 -And go to this spot. -Yeah. 752 00:32:34,163 --> 00:32:35,683 And look for the massive object. 753 00:32:36,363 --> 00:32:38,323 That's the best chance we've got. 754 00:32:38,923 --> 00:32:41,363 [Jack] With two full-time Nessie hunters to help us, 755 00:32:41,443 --> 00:32:43,643 we're bound to lay our eyes on something. 756 00:32:43,723 --> 00:32:44,683 Aren't we? 757 00:32:44,763 --> 00:32:47,883 Why are these trained at someone's bedroom window, Steve? 758 00:32:47,963 --> 00:32:49,563 I mean, she's lovely. 759 00:32:50,243 --> 00:32:51,643 Now I can see why. 760 00:32:51,723 --> 00:32:54,163 I hope that's a rival Nessie hunter you're spying on. 761 00:32:54,243 --> 00:32:56,603 -Keeping an eye on the competition. -Nothing more sordid. 762 00:32:57,163 --> 00:32:59,163 They are actually trained at someone's house. 763 00:32:59,243 --> 00:33:00,523 -Are they? -Yeah. 764 00:33:01,523 --> 00:33:04,323 I think you maybe want them a bit further down. Yeah, there. 765 00:33:05,123 --> 00:33:07,443 -Thank you. -That's all right. 766 00:33:07,523 --> 00:33:11,443 [upbeat folk music playing] 767 00:33:11,523 --> 00:33:15,563 [Jack] Steve's friend has an opening in his diary and we're out on the loch. 768 00:33:15,643 --> 00:33:19,043 I guess if we catch her, we'll just throw her back in, like with fishing. 769 00:33:19,723 --> 00:33:23,483 [mimics Scottish accent] Let's go catch ourselves a Nessie. 770 00:33:24,443 --> 00:33:27,603 [Michael] I don't know what you think you look like in that yellow coat. 771 00:33:27,683 --> 00:33:29,043 [Jack] An absolute baller. 772 00:33:30,923 --> 00:33:34,403 [Jack] In 2020, skipper Ronald spotted a large blob on his sonar 773 00:33:34,483 --> 00:33:37,323 that many believe could be the Loch Ness Monster. 774 00:33:39,923 --> 00:33:42,403 And you're the guy that found a strange object? 775 00:33:42,483 --> 00:33:45,123 -Yeah, and it made the news worldwide. -Wow. 776 00:33:45,203 --> 00:33:47,283 So all the time I've been on the loch, 777 00:33:47,363 --> 00:33:50,403 it's the most amazing bit of evidence I've ever seen 778 00:33:50,483 --> 00:33:52,363 to prove there's something in the loch. 779 00:33:52,443 --> 00:33:55,083 -We might pick it up again, who knows? -Yeah. 780 00:33:55,163 --> 00:33:57,443 We are actually getting quite close to the point 781 00:33:57,523 --> 00:34:00,043 where we picked it up on sonar, so 782 00:34:00,523 --> 00:34:02,563 keep an eye on the screens up there. 783 00:34:02,643 --> 00:34:05,443 So anything that shows up in that black area 784 00:34:05,523 --> 00:34:07,843 is a fish or a monster. 785 00:34:07,923 --> 00:34:10,603 It's a big red dot you're looking for. 786 00:34:11,323 --> 00:34:12,363 [Jack] Nothing yet. 787 00:34:13,483 --> 00:34:15,803 All about patience, though, isn't it? A waiting game. 788 00:34:15,883 --> 00:34:17,843 Thirty years he's been waiting. 789 00:34:17,923 --> 00:34:20,242 Well, 50 years it took me. 790 00:34:20,923 --> 00:34:22,563 -Fifty years? -Fifty years, yeah. 791 00:34:22,643 --> 00:34:25,563 Well this has turned into a pissing contest I'm not equipped for. 792 00:34:27,043 --> 00:34:28,323 I've been here six hours 793 00:34:28,403 --> 00:34:30,682 and I'm already getting a little bit impatient. 794 00:34:33,523 --> 00:34:36,843 [Jack] Right, I've decided to take matters into my own hands. 795 00:34:36,923 --> 00:34:39,282 Time to get chumming with the fish guts. 796 00:34:39,363 --> 00:34:42,163 If it's good enough for Jaws, it's good enough for Nessie. 797 00:34:42,242 --> 00:34:43,682 [Michael] That looks quite nice, that. 798 00:34:45,523 --> 00:34:46,603 [Jack] Shall we drop some in? 799 00:34:50,923 --> 00:34:52,603 [waves softly lapping] 800 00:34:52,682 --> 00:34:54,403 Just wait for it. 801 00:34:56,202 --> 00:34:57,483 Thirty-one years. 802 00:34:57,563 --> 00:35:00,123 Maybe he's doing one of those intermittent fasts. 803 00:35:00,682 --> 00:35:03,083 [Jack] You know, when you don't eat from… 804 00:35:03,163 --> 00:35:05,283 [Steve] …season to season. 805 00:35:05,363 --> 00:35:07,403 [Jack] Oh well, season to season for a monster. 806 00:35:07,483 --> 00:35:08,963 -Throw another bucket at it. -Yeah. 807 00:35:09,563 --> 00:35:11,163 Let's do one nice and close. 808 00:35:12,643 --> 00:35:13,683 Daddy. 809 00:35:13,763 --> 00:35:16,843 -[Steve] Yes, I see your technique there. -[Jack] Where you chuck in the bucket? 810 00:35:16,923 --> 00:35:19,923 You keep the bucket there, because if the Monster comes out now, 811 00:35:20,003 --> 00:35:21,723 you've got the bucket to hit it with. 812 00:35:21,803 --> 00:35:24,723 [Jack] That could be the only thing we're fishing out today. 813 00:35:25,723 --> 00:35:29,683 Did they not use sea shanties to bring up the mermaids and things like that? 814 00:35:29,763 --> 00:35:31,163 That was what they were for. 815 00:35:31,243 --> 00:35:33,483 Please don't ask him to do a sea shanty. 816 00:35:33,563 --> 00:35:37,563 ♪ Soon may the Wellerman come To bring us sugar and tea and rum ♪ 817 00:35:37,643 --> 00:35:41,323 ♪ One day, when the Nessie will come We'll take our leave and go ♪ 818 00:35:41,923 --> 00:35:45,843 [vocalizes to the tune of "The Wellerman"] 819 00:35:50,163 --> 00:35:51,403 [Steve] It's not the right song. 820 00:35:51,483 --> 00:35:53,483 [Michael] It's not the right song for anybody, 821 00:35:53,563 --> 00:35:54,843 monsters or not. 822 00:35:54,923 --> 00:35:58,923 [hums "The Wellerman"] 823 00:35:59,483 --> 00:36:02,123 Completely mad that boy is. 824 00:36:02,203 --> 00:36:04,403 [mimics Scottish accent] Come here, ya big bastard. 825 00:36:04,483 --> 00:36:05,643 Come to Jackie. 826 00:36:06,283 --> 00:36:08,003 Come to Jackie! 827 00:36:09,043 --> 00:36:09,963 [grunts] 828 00:36:10,443 --> 00:36:11,563 Ya… 829 00:36:11,643 --> 00:36:12,443 Fuck. 830 00:36:12,523 --> 00:36:14,203 -[mysterious music playing] -Daddy? 831 00:36:14,283 --> 00:36:16,083 -Yeah? -Come down here with the net. 832 00:36:16,163 --> 00:36:17,243 In case I get a bite. 833 00:36:17,803 --> 00:36:19,723 I think it's very unlikely. 834 00:36:19,803 --> 00:36:22,043 [dramatic music playing] 835 00:36:22,123 --> 00:36:23,283 Daddy, I've got one! 836 00:36:23,363 --> 00:36:25,283 I got a bite! [grunts] 837 00:36:25,363 --> 00:36:26,283 [straining] Just come on. 838 00:36:27,603 --> 00:36:29,563 She's pulling me under! 839 00:36:29,643 --> 00:36:30,923 Hold my legs, Daddy! 840 00:36:31,003 --> 00:36:34,123 [grunts and yells] 841 00:36:35,403 --> 00:36:36,603 Come on! 842 00:36:36,683 --> 00:36:38,363 We nearly got her now. 843 00:36:38,443 --> 00:36:40,843 I'm losing her, I'm losing her! [grunts] 844 00:36:42,203 --> 00:36:43,683 [Michael] You are an idiot. 845 00:36:43,763 --> 00:36:45,123 [Jack pants] 846 00:36:45,203 --> 00:36:46,763 -Nearly had her. -Yeah, I saw it. 847 00:36:46,843 --> 00:36:48,803 There was nothing there at all. 848 00:36:50,923 --> 00:36:52,163 [breathlessly] She's… 849 00:36:53,043 --> 00:36:54,403 She's fucked off now. 850 00:36:54,483 --> 00:36:56,323 She put up a good fight. 851 00:36:57,243 --> 00:36:58,523 Nearly had her. 852 00:36:59,083 --> 00:37:00,803 You were the witness, okay? 853 00:37:00,883 --> 00:37:03,123 -I was not the witness. -You saw it. 854 00:37:03,203 --> 00:37:06,323 I saw you making an awful lot of noise about nothing. 855 00:37:07,203 --> 00:37:08,523 I felt her power. 856 00:37:09,163 --> 00:37:11,283 -Right. -On the end of my grabber. 857 00:37:11,363 --> 00:37:12,883 A myth no more. 858 00:37:13,883 --> 00:37:16,523 The day the legend 859 00:37:17,003 --> 00:37:18,523 became a reality. 860 00:37:20,923 --> 00:37:24,843 [Jack] I'm a proper Nessie hunter now in that, like these guys, 861 00:37:24,923 --> 00:37:26,523 I've never seen one, 862 00:37:26,603 --> 00:37:28,843 but I can claim to, sort of. 863 00:37:28,923 --> 00:37:30,163 Now for a celebration song. 864 00:37:30,243 --> 00:37:32,443 ♪ There once was a ship that put to sea ♪ 865 00:37:32,523 --> 00:37:34,723 ♪ The name of the ship Was the Billy o' Tea ♪ 866 00:37:34,803 --> 00:37:38,123 ♪ The winds blew up, her bow down O blow, my bully boys, blow ♪ 867 00:37:38,683 --> 00:37:42,683 ♪ Soon may the Wellerman come To bring us sugar and tea and rum ♪ 868 00:37:42,763 --> 00:37:46,523 ♪ One day, when the tonguin' is done We'll take our leave and go ♪ 869 00:37:46,603 --> 00:37:51,243 [vocalizing to the tune of "The Wellerman"] 870 00:37:57,763 --> 00:37:58,723 Nailed it. 871 00:38:00,163 --> 00:38:02,203 I've had sex at the top of that tower. 872 00:38:03,083 --> 00:38:06,843 Please tell me your chat-up line was "Do you want to see the Loch Ness Monster?" 873 00:38:07,563 --> 00:38:10,083 [Steve hums "The Wellerman"] 874 00:38:10,163 --> 00:38:14,483 [Jack] So, I'm one item down on the bucket list and one bucket down if I'm counting. 875 00:38:14,563 --> 00:38:15,883 But what an experience. 876 00:38:17,163 --> 00:38:18,363 Now it's time for dinner. 877 00:38:18,443 --> 00:38:22,763 We had planned to have filet of Nessie, but for obvious reasons, 878 00:38:22,843 --> 00:38:24,723 we had to have haggis instead. 879 00:38:26,763 --> 00:38:27,883 Thank you. 880 00:38:31,043 --> 00:38:33,403 I love it when they put the little pan on the plate. 881 00:38:35,043 --> 00:38:37,363 A little bit of theater with your dinner. 882 00:38:37,843 --> 00:38:38,723 Mm-hm. 883 00:38:38,803 --> 00:38:39,883 Traditional. 884 00:38:40,523 --> 00:38:41,563 Haggis. 885 00:38:42,843 --> 00:38:43,643 Very nice. 886 00:38:45,963 --> 00:38:46,843 Jack. 887 00:38:46,923 --> 00:38:49,523 Could you pass me the salt? 888 00:38:51,163 --> 00:38:52,923 -Please. -It's definitely salty enough. 889 00:38:53,003 --> 00:38:55,323 Well it might be for you, not for me. 890 00:38:55,923 --> 00:38:58,083 I'd just like a little bit more salt. 891 00:38:58,683 --> 00:39:00,083 Could you pass me the salt? 892 00:39:01,923 --> 00:39:02,723 Fine. 893 00:39:04,963 --> 00:39:09,003 [funky bass riff playing] 894 00:39:11,043 --> 00:39:12,083 Thank you very much. 895 00:39:12,763 --> 00:39:13,643 Thank you. 896 00:39:22,363 --> 00:39:23,243 [bass riff fades] 897 00:39:23,323 --> 00:39:26,243 Jack, could I actually get the pepper as well, please? 898 00:39:28,883 --> 00:39:29,723 [fork clatters] 899 00:39:29,803 --> 00:39:32,683 [bass riff resumes] 900 00:39:36,603 --> 00:39:38,203 Actually, sorry. 901 00:39:38,283 --> 00:39:40,803 I don't think it really needs any more pepper. 902 00:39:40,883 --> 00:39:43,083 -[bass riff fades] -I think it's fine. 903 00:39:44,403 --> 00:39:47,123 I'll leave it down here in case you change your mind. 904 00:39:47,683 --> 00:39:48,683 Thank you very much. 905 00:39:49,603 --> 00:39:52,163 [bass riff resumes] 906 00:39:56,283 --> 00:39:58,083 Do you think 907 00:39:58,603 --> 00:40:00,483 you could get me just a drop 908 00:40:00,563 --> 00:40:01,443 of red wine? 909 00:40:01,523 --> 00:40:03,643 Fuck this, I'm sitting down there, next to you. 910 00:40:03,723 --> 00:40:06,043 -No, you don't have to. I'm fine. -No. 911 00:40:06,643 --> 00:40:08,323 I mean only a tiny… 912 00:40:08,403 --> 00:40:10,843 Yeah, I'm not… I'm not your butler. 913 00:40:14,563 --> 00:40:16,323 It's like a meal and a workout. 914 00:40:16,403 --> 00:40:18,363 Do you just want to pass me that red wine? 915 00:40:18,443 --> 00:40:19,363 Yeah, I'm… 916 00:40:23,963 --> 00:40:24,843 That's fine. 917 00:40:26,083 --> 00:40:27,003 Thank you. 918 00:40:27,723 --> 00:40:29,323 You know I have, obviously, 919 00:40:29,403 --> 00:40:33,243 had quite a lot of time to process this news and think about it 920 00:40:33,323 --> 00:40:35,603 and I have come to accept it 921 00:40:35,683 --> 00:40:37,443 and therefore, I 922 00:40:38,003 --> 00:40:40,083 do give you my blessing 923 00:40:40,163 --> 00:40:42,523 to go and live in the country. 924 00:40:44,203 --> 00:40:45,963 -Your blessing? -Yeah. 925 00:40:46,043 --> 00:40:47,203 You go with my blessing. 926 00:40:47,283 --> 00:40:49,883 I'm happy for you and this new start. 927 00:40:49,963 --> 00:40:52,483 And even though you've sold the family home, that's fine. 928 00:40:52,963 --> 00:40:54,363 You have my blessing 929 00:40:54,443 --> 00:40:55,283 to go and… 930 00:40:56,563 --> 00:40:57,563 start a new life. 931 00:40:58,123 --> 00:41:00,723 -I don't want your blessing. -Well, you have it. 932 00:41:01,683 --> 00:41:02,603 It's yours. 933 00:41:03,603 --> 00:41:05,043 I don't need it. 934 00:41:05,123 --> 00:41:05,923 Well, 935 00:41:06,843 --> 00:41:09,163 if you did need it, it's there. 936 00:41:10,243 --> 00:41:11,243 My blessing. 937 00:41:11,803 --> 00:41:12,923 I don't need it. 938 00:41:13,003 --> 00:41:14,283 But if you wanted it… 939 00:41:14,363 --> 00:41:15,483 I don't want it. 940 00:41:15,563 --> 00:41:18,123 Well, if you were to want it, 941 00:41:18,203 --> 00:41:19,443 you have my blessing. 942 00:41:19,523 --> 00:41:21,803 But I'm not going to be wanting it. 943 00:41:21,883 --> 00:41:22,723 Well… 944 00:41:22,803 --> 00:41:26,443 It's very unlikely that I would ever need your blessing… 945 00:41:26,523 --> 00:41:28,763 -Okay, well. -…on a house I've already bought. 946 00:41:30,683 --> 00:41:33,323 Is there any part of you that's quite worried 947 00:41:33,403 --> 00:41:35,323 about starting a new life 948 00:41:35,403 --> 00:41:36,763 in the country 949 00:41:36,843 --> 00:41:37,883 aged 81? 950 00:41:39,083 --> 00:41:41,123 -It's quite old to be… -It is. 951 00:41:41,203 --> 00:41:43,443 …making such a big life choice. 952 00:41:43,523 --> 00:41:46,163 -Thank God for Mother. -Yeah, absolutely. 953 00:41:46,243 --> 00:41:48,323 Because there's absolutely no way 954 00:41:48,403 --> 00:41:49,923 you'd be able to do that move… 955 00:41:50,003 --> 00:41:54,243 The man who owned this house has left us two tractors 956 00:41:54,763 --> 00:41:57,683 and your mother has already used both of them. 957 00:41:57,763 --> 00:42:00,883 Your mother can sit on anything and make it work. 958 00:42:00,963 --> 00:42:01,963 Okay. 959 00:42:02,843 --> 00:42:03,643 Again… 960 00:42:03,723 --> 00:42:06,083 -Well, that's not quite what… -No, there's no… 961 00:42:06,163 --> 00:42:07,043 No. 962 00:42:07,123 --> 00:42:10,323 I didn't mean it to come out quite like that. 963 00:42:10,923 --> 00:42:13,603 -You know what I mean about your mother. -I do, I do. 964 00:42:14,843 --> 00:42:18,003 [airy orchestral music playing] 965 00:42:18,083 --> 00:42:21,203 [Jack] Next morning, and Mommy has excelled herself. 966 00:42:21,283 --> 00:42:23,043 I am a massive Harry Potter fan. 967 00:42:23,123 --> 00:42:26,723 I've seen all the movies and read nearly one of the books. 968 00:42:27,323 --> 00:42:31,283 Now, she's booked us tickets on the actual Hogwarts Express, 969 00:42:31,363 --> 00:42:35,883 a Jacobite steam train built in 1949 and featured in the movies. 970 00:42:35,963 --> 00:42:38,763 Fans come from all over the world to make this trip. 971 00:42:39,243 --> 00:42:40,963 Fang looks so much smaller in real life. 972 00:42:41,923 --> 00:42:45,163 This train reminds me of the one I used to go back to school in 973 00:42:45,243 --> 00:42:46,763 when I was a little boy. 974 00:42:47,243 --> 00:42:48,523 You went to Hogwarts? 975 00:42:49,563 --> 00:42:53,443 Hogwarts is not a real place, Jack. You've got to realize that. 976 00:42:54,643 --> 00:42:56,963 Were you head boy of Slytherin when you were there? 977 00:42:57,043 --> 00:42:59,923 -These are real trains. -I think this is us. 978 00:43:05,363 --> 00:43:07,123 -[guard whistle blows] -[train whistle blows] 979 00:43:07,203 --> 00:43:10,083 [Jack] Described as one of the greatest rail journeys in the world, 980 00:43:10,163 --> 00:43:11,523 it starts at Fort William, 981 00:43:11,603 --> 00:43:15,203 at the foothills of the highest mountain in the UK, Ben Nevis, 982 00:43:15,283 --> 00:43:18,323 then winds its way past many lochs to Mallaig 983 00:43:18,403 --> 00:43:20,483 at the southern tip of the Isle of Skye. 984 00:43:21,563 --> 00:43:23,443 It must be so exciting for all these kids. 985 00:43:24,123 --> 00:43:27,763 They booked the Harry Potter train and didn't think they'd get to see Voldemort. 986 00:43:28,243 --> 00:43:29,683 -Oh, God. -In the flesh. 987 00:43:29,763 --> 00:43:32,563 -Very funny. -You could probably get a gig here. 988 00:43:33,643 --> 00:43:34,963 Scaring the children. 989 00:43:35,043 --> 00:43:37,963 [cinematic music playing] 990 00:43:40,963 --> 00:43:43,843 [gasps] Daddy, it's the Harry Potter bridge. 991 00:43:44,643 --> 00:43:46,483 How exciting is this? 992 00:43:46,563 --> 00:43:48,763 [Michael] Wake me up when we get somewhere. 993 00:43:48,843 --> 00:43:50,523 Daddy, look. 994 00:43:50,603 --> 00:43:52,403 Yes, it's a bridge. 995 00:43:52,883 --> 00:43:54,923 We've got one in Putney. 996 00:43:55,683 --> 00:43:59,883 I must say, I do have very fond memories of being here, 997 00:43:59,963 --> 00:44:03,043 because I was newly wed 998 00:44:03,123 --> 00:44:04,843 and I used to come up here 999 00:44:04,923 --> 00:44:07,203 because the in-laws were up here. 1000 00:44:07,283 --> 00:44:08,243 -They lived…? -Yeah. 1001 00:44:08,323 --> 00:44:09,883 Yes. I mean, very near here. 1002 00:44:10,683 --> 00:44:13,483 And we used to drive up together. 1003 00:44:13,563 --> 00:44:15,043 It was quite a long drive. 1004 00:44:15,123 --> 00:44:18,643 I had a rather cheeky little MG sportscar… 1005 00:44:19,563 --> 00:44:23,163 [sweeping orchestral music playing] 1006 00:44:26,403 --> 00:44:28,683 We were in love, you know. 1007 00:44:28,763 --> 00:44:30,443 We were young, we were in love. 1008 00:44:30,523 --> 00:44:32,123 Not that young. 1009 00:44:32,683 --> 00:44:33,763 Well, no. 1010 00:44:33,843 --> 00:44:37,003 -She was younger than you. -Yes, she was younger than me. 1011 00:44:37,083 --> 00:44:40,563 I mean, in a way, my most romantic memories 1012 00:44:40,643 --> 00:44:41,563 were here. 1013 00:44:43,003 --> 00:44:44,443 You know, we'd go off… 1014 00:44:45,803 --> 00:44:47,123 for the day 1015 00:44:47,203 --> 00:44:48,643 with a picnic basket, 1016 00:44:49,283 --> 00:44:50,203 eat… 1017 00:44:50,283 --> 00:44:54,043 [orchestral music continues] 1018 00:44:56,883 --> 00:45:01,203 We were in this huge field with heather and so and so, 1019 00:45:01,283 --> 00:45:03,923 and then suddenly, it started pouring with rain. 1020 00:45:04,843 --> 00:45:07,963 And she got all soaked, all across… you know. 1021 00:45:08,443 --> 00:45:11,083 And she had to take her dress off, she was so wet. 1022 00:45:11,163 --> 00:45:13,363 Yeah, okay. I don't need all the sordid details. 1023 00:45:13,443 --> 00:45:15,323 I remember rubbing her down, 1024 00:45:15,883 --> 00:45:17,203 drying her off, 1025 00:45:17,923 --> 00:45:20,523 and then thinking, "I wouldn't mind having a bit of that." 1026 00:45:21,283 --> 00:45:23,043 [Jack] How do you get off this train? 1027 00:45:25,123 --> 00:45:28,883 She always looked great in a swimsuit. 1028 00:45:28,963 --> 00:45:29,763 Really? 1029 00:45:29,843 --> 00:45:31,963 She filled a swimsuit very well. 1030 00:45:33,843 --> 00:45:36,243 But then she was an amazing, 1031 00:45:36,323 --> 00:45:38,363 amazingly attractive girl, Jane. 1032 00:45:38,443 --> 00:45:40,123 [music stops] 1033 00:45:41,203 --> 00:45:42,643 Who the fuck is Jane? 1034 00:45:44,083 --> 00:45:45,403 What do you mean? 1035 00:45:45,483 --> 00:45:47,083 -You said Jane? -Yeah, Jane. 1036 00:45:48,763 --> 00:45:50,363 My first wife. 1037 00:45:52,003 --> 00:45:54,683 -All of that was about your first wife? -Yeah. 1038 00:45:54,763 --> 00:45:56,403 I thought you were talking about Mommy. 1039 00:45:56,923 --> 00:45:59,883 No, I didn't meet Mommy until years later. 1040 00:45:59,963 --> 00:46:00,843 Why would you…? 1041 00:46:01,803 --> 00:46:05,083 Why would you tell me a load of romantic stories about your first wife? 1042 00:46:05,963 --> 00:46:07,723 I thought that's what you were talking about. 1043 00:46:07,803 --> 00:46:11,563 We were talking about the Scottish highlands and all that. 1044 00:46:11,643 --> 00:46:16,163 If you wish to tell me stories about romantic holidays, 1045 00:46:16,243 --> 00:46:18,643 please make them stories 1046 00:46:18,723 --> 00:46:22,043 about romantic holidays you've had with my mother. 1047 00:46:22,123 --> 00:46:22,963 Okay. 1048 00:46:23,523 --> 00:46:24,843 I feel like that's 1049 00:46:25,323 --> 00:46:28,603 a note that I'm going to come to regret at some point on this trip. 1050 00:46:30,203 --> 00:46:31,563 But for now, please, 1051 00:46:32,323 --> 00:46:34,123 no more stories about other wives. 1052 00:46:34,203 --> 00:46:35,563 Okay, all right. 1053 00:46:37,443 --> 00:46:40,803 [Jack] To plug the torrent of filth, I tried to distract Daddy 1054 00:46:40,883 --> 00:46:42,123 with a fun game. 1055 00:46:42,203 --> 00:46:43,843 [jaunty music playing] 1056 00:46:49,923 --> 00:46:51,883 Is that supposed to be funny? 1057 00:46:52,603 --> 00:46:53,563 I mean… 1058 00:46:54,483 --> 00:46:56,283 -It's the tunnel game. -Fuck. 1059 00:46:57,763 --> 00:47:01,243 It's not a game I'm going to indulge myself in. 1060 00:47:01,323 --> 00:47:03,723 -No, next time. -No, you're the comedian. 1061 00:47:03,803 --> 00:47:05,443 You do the funny faces. 1062 00:47:05,523 --> 00:47:10,283 [jaunty music playing] 1063 00:47:12,163 --> 00:47:13,643 Where have you gone? 1064 00:47:13,723 --> 00:47:15,043 -Boo! -Oh! 1065 00:47:16,323 --> 00:47:18,563 Go on, get out of there, Jack. 1066 00:47:18,643 --> 00:47:22,363 If the ticket inspector came down, he'd get a very wrong impression. 1067 00:47:23,243 --> 00:47:25,323 Gross. I'm your son. 1068 00:47:25,403 --> 00:47:27,323 Well, he wouldn't know you were my son. 1069 00:47:27,403 --> 00:47:30,123 Next time, you do it. Just do one. 1070 00:47:30,803 --> 00:47:32,483 Okay. Only one, though. 1071 00:47:33,403 --> 00:47:35,683 One more and then no more. 1072 00:47:35,763 --> 00:47:37,003 There's one here. 1073 00:47:37,683 --> 00:47:41,163 [jaunty music playing] 1074 00:47:42,603 --> 00:47:45,163 [Jack laughs] 1075 00:47:48,243 --> 00:47:50,683 Hello, would you like anything off the trolley? 1076 00:47:51,683 --> 00:47:53,643 No thank you. He's had a bit too much to… 1077 00:47:53,723 --> 00:47:55,763 Oh, has he already? Oh dear. 1078 00:47:56,443 --> 00:47:58,403 You know you're in Scotland 1079 00:47:58,483 --> 00:48:02,043 when you tell her that I'm inebriated 1080 00:48:02,563 --> 00:48:04,083 and she doesn't bat an eyelid, 1081 00:48:04,163 --> 00:48:08,043 just keeps wheeling her trolley down the rest of the corridor. 1082 00:48:09,003 --> 00:48:11,603 They're probably like that up and down the train. 1083 00:48:11,683 --> 00:48:14,483 It's probably the ones that aren't pissed she's surprised at. 1084 00:48:14,563 --> 00:48:15,723 [Jack chuckles] 1085 00:48:18,563 --> 00:48:20,083 [Jack] What an experience. 1086 00:48:20,163 --> 00:48:22,563 If you end up booking it, make sure you check ahead. 1087 00:48:22,643 --> 00:48:25,643 You do not want to get stuck on their broom replacement service. 1088 00:48:27,843 --> 00:48:31,003 Now, we are headed a few hours south to Edinburgh. 1089 00:48:31,563 --> 00:48:34,603 Hilary has organized the final leg of our last trip together 1090 00:48:34,683 --> 00:48:37,323 at the place where our comedy journey began. 1091 00:48:40,883 --> 00:48:44,163 I used to perform every year at the world-famous Edinburgh Festival. 1092 00:48:44,243 --> 00:48:47,243 It's where all British comedians come to start their career. 1093 00:48:48,043 --> 00:48:50,483 Wherever my dad is now, he will be looking down on us. 1094 00:48:50,563 --> 00:48:51,963 He's not dead, he's 1095 00:48:52,043 --> 00:48:53,283 just very condescending. 1096 00:48:53,363 --> 00:48:54,883 [audience laughs] 1097 00:48:54,963 --> 00:48:56,083 In 2011, 1098 00:48:56,163 --> 00:48:59,283 [Jack] I thought it would be fun to invite Michael up on stage. 1099 00:48:59,363 --> 00:49:02,203 He upscaled his part and the people loved him. 1100 00:49:02,283 --> 00:49:05,363 Fast forward 10 years and five travels around the world later, 1101 00:49:05,443 --> 00:49:06,883 and here we are now. 1102 00:49:07,643 --> 00:49:08,683 Yoo-hoo! 1103 00:49:10,163 --> 00:49:10,963 Mother! 1104 00:49:11,043 --> 00:49:12,643 -[car horn beeps] -Don't get run over. 1105 00:49:12,723 --> 00:49:15,243 -Hello, the Momser. -How are you? 1106 00:49:16,043 --> 00:49:17,483 -Hello, Momsies. -Hello, bubs. 1107 00:49:19,203 --> 00:49:20,523 [Jack] Mother Dearest has joined us 1108 00:49:20,603 --> 00:49:23,043 and wanting to end this final trip with a bang, 1109 00:49:23,123 --> 00:49:24,723 she's organized an experience 1110 00:49:24,803 --> 00:49:27,683 with one of the most famous musical groups in Scotland 1111 00:49:27,763 --> 00:49:30,283 at the Royal College of Physicians. 1112 00:49:34,803 --> 00:49:36,163 So, 1113 00:49:36,243 --> 00:49:37,523 are you ready? 1114 00:49:37,603 --> 00:49:38,643 Are you set? 1115 00:49:39,163 --> 00:49:40,523 [chuckles] 1116 00:49:40,603 --> 00:49:42,123 I think it's a push door, Mother. 1117 00:49:42,203 --> 00:49:43,483 [laughs] 1118 00:49:44,483 --> 00:49:45,963 -[Hilary] Ta-da! -[Michael] Yes. 1119 00:49:46,563 --> 00:49:49,563 Welcome to Edinburgh and to the Royal Edinburgh Military Tattoo. 1120 00:49:49,643 --> 00:49:51,043 [Hilary] Thank you so much. 1121 00:49:51,123 --> 00:49:54,283 [bagpipe marching music playing] 1122 00:49:57,283 --> 00:49:58,803 [Jack] What's the history of the Tattoo? 1123 00:49:58,883 --> 00:50:03,963 The Royal Edinburgh Military Tattoo was originally an entertainment show 1124 00:50:04,043 --> 00:50:06,043 to bring the military and civilians together 1125 00:50:06,123 --> 00:50:09,363 over 70 years ago to give them a bit of a lift. 1126 00:50:09,443 --> 00:50:12,283 So, if you are up for it, we'd like to give you some training, 1127 00:50:12,363 --> 00:50:15,523 because we've got a performance planned for later on 1128 00:50:15,603 --> 00:50:17,163 and we'd like you to take part in that. 1129 00:50:17,243 --> 00:50:19,203 -Great. Yes. -So exciting! 1130 00:50:19,283 --> 00:50:22,043 This might end up with us getting chased back over the border 1131 00:50:22,123 --> 00:50:23,363 [all laugh] 1132 00:50:23,443 --> 00:50:25,003 But let's give it a shot. 1133 00:50:25,603 --> 00:50:28,483 [bagpipes drone] 1134 00:50:30,003 --> 00:50:31,563 Jack, just give it a… 1135 00:50:31,643 --> 00:50:33,523 -[note sounds] -Oh! 1136 00:50:34,963 --> 00:50:37,123 Right, now there you're off. 1137 00:50:41,443 --> 00:50:43,523 What the fuck? How can you play the bagpipes? 1138 00:50:43,603 --> 00:50:45,963 -I mean it sounded… -That sounded like the bagpipes. 1139 00:50:46,043 --> 00:50:48,603 -Yes, it did. -She actually played the bagpipes. 1140 00:50:48,683 --> 00:50:49,763 Let's move on. 1141 00:50:50,283 --> 00:50:52,523 [Jack] I'm not sure the bagpipes are really for me. 1142 00:50:52,603 --> 00:50:54,483 I've got my eyes on the big-boy drum. 1143 00:50:55,083 --> 00:50:57,443 I've always fancied trying a strap-on. 1144 00:50:57,923 --> 00:51:00,323 -[Michael] Get it on, Jack. -Oh, yes. 1145 00:51:00,403 --> 00:51:02,683 -[man] Are you happy putting that on? -Yeah. 1146 00:51:02,763 --> 00:51:04,683 Just roll it until it… Yeah, that's it. 1147 00:51:04,763 --> 00:51:07,043 Then get your head underneath. 1148 00:51:07,123 --> 00:51:11,123 [man laughs] 1149 00:51:11,203 --> 00:51:13,643 No, Mother. 1150 00:51:13,723 --> 00:51:14,763 Stop it! 1151 00:51:14,843 --> 00:51:15,843 [all chuckle] 1152 00:51:18,443 --> 00:51:20,723 [laughter] 1153 00:51:21,283 --> 00:51:22,443 These need to be… 1154 00:51:23,043 --> 00:51:24,163 [Hilary] Jack. 1155 00:51:25,963 --> 00:51:27,283 Voilà. 1156 00:51:27,363 --> 00:51:28,363 Okay. 1157 00:51:28,923 --> 00:51:30,843 Shall I go join at the end? 1158 00:51:30,923 --> 00:51:32,643 [man 2] Bass normally stands in the middle. 1159 00:51:32,723 --> 00:51:34,403 -Oh, right. -Michael, we need to… 1160 00:51:34,483 --> 00:51:35,963 -Just mind Daddy! -Where? Sorry. 1161 00:51:36,043 --> 00:51:38,043 -What are you doing? -It's a big drum. 1162 00:51:38,123 --> 00:51:40,603 -I'll go in-between you. -Mind the drum! 1163 00:51:40,683 --> 00:51:41,683 I'll go in-between. 1164 00:51:41,763 --> 00:51:43,523 [Hilary] He's lethal with that drum. 1165 00:51:43,603 --> 00:51:44,643 Try with the bass. 1166 00:51:44,723 --> 00:51:46,123 Pipes and drums, 1167 00:51:46,203 --> 00:51:47,923 quick march. 1168 00:51:53,363 --> 00:51:55,523 Did you actually…? Did you do it? 1169 00:51:56,283 --> 00:51:57,643 -Yes. -Or did you stand there? 1170 00:51:57,723 --> 00:51:59,083 Of course I didn't. 1171 00:52:00,083 --> 00:52:01,523 Did you not hear it? 1172 00:52:01,603 --> 00:52:03,163 -No. -Do you want to say something? 1173 00:52:03,243 --> 00:52:06,403 [all laugh] 1174 00:52:06,483 --> 00:52:08,603 You wanted to talk to Daddy? Fine, sorry. 1175 00:52:08,683 --> 00:52:10,643 -[all laugh] -Fire away. 1176 00:52:10,723 --> 00:52:12,403 -Did you actually drum? -Yes! 1177 00:52:12,483 --> 00:52:13,683 -I did. -Just checking. 1178 00:52:13,763 --> 00:52:15,483 -You two done? -Yep. 1179 00:52:16,883 --> 00:52:18,523 We've also got 1180 00:52:18,603 --> 00:52:21,723 a person at the front called the drum major, who controls the band. 1181 00:52:21,803 --> 00:52:24,483 -I'm liking the look of this for him. -One of those… 1182 00:52:25,043 --> 00:52:26,723 -Shiny. -[Michael] Yeah. 1183 00:52:26,803 --> 00:52:27,883 I'll try one of those. 1184 00:52:27,963 --> 00:52:30,763 If we're going up those cobbled streets, Daddy might need both 1185 00:52:30,843 --> 00:52:32,083 to get him up them. 1186 00:52:33,123 --> 00:52:34,163 To cut the band off, 1187 00:52:34,243 --> 00:52:35,843 if you can stick it up in the air… 1188 00:52:35,923 --> 00:52:38,603 So I stick it up there like that 1189 00:52:38,683 --> 00:52:39,963 and that stops…? 1190 00:52:40,043 --> 00:52:42,643 [gruffly] You shall not pass! 1191 00:52:42,723 --> 00:52:43,763 [all laugh] 1192 00:52:44,323 --> 00:52:46,043 He's actually more Lord Sauron. 1193 00:52:46,643 --> 00:52:50,683 In my experience, as soon as you give someone the power the mace has, then… 1194 00:52:50,763 --> 00:52:53,043 -[Hilary] They go nuts, go rogue. -Aye, they go straight… 1195 00:52:53,123 --> 00:52:55,283 With great power comes great responsibility, Daddy. 1196 00:52:55,363 --> 00:52:56,883 -I'm in charge. -Mace goes up. 1197 00:52:56,963 --> 00:52:58,563 You need to be prepared to cut off. 1198 00:52:58,643 --> 00:53:00,963 If a drummer's gone rogue, that's how you stop them? 1199 00:53:01,043 --> 00:53:02,203 Yes, sir. 1200 00:53:02,283 --> 00:53:05,603 So get it down, Daddy. Let's practice. Let's go rogue and see. 1201 00:53:14,363 --> 00:53:16,203 Yeah, we've got it. Nailed it. 1202 00:53:16,283 --> 00:53:17,363 I think we're ready to go. 1203 00:53:18,123 --> 00:53:19,803 We don't even know the fucking song yet. 1204 00:53:20,403 --> 00:53:22,723 [marching music playing] 1205 00:53:22,803 --> 00:53:25,563 [Jack] So, with Michael barking orders as the drum major, 1206 00:53:25,643 --> 00:53:28,723 Hilary and I were ready to march down the Royal Mile 1207 00:53:28,803 --> 00:53:30,563 with the Royal Military Tattoo 1208 00:53:30,643 --> 00:53:34,683 in footage that almost certainly will be utilized by the "Yes" campaign 1209 00:53:34,763 --> 00:53:37,163 in Scotland's next independence referendum. 1210 00:53:39,363 --> 00:53:41,883 [shouting] Pipe and drums, by the center, 1211 00:53:42,763 --> 00:53:44,563 wait for it, 1212 00:53:45,163 --> 00:53:45,963 quick 1213 00:53:46,443 --> 00:53:47,323 march! 1214 00:53:47,403 --> 00:53:48,803 [snare drums roll] 1215 00:53:48,883 --> 00:53:50,683 [audience applauds] 1216 00:53:50,763 --> 00:53:53,363 -[bagpipes play] -[Hilary] Jack, you're off the beat. 1217 00:53:53,443 --> 00:53:55,163 [Jack] I'm on the beat. They must be off it. 1218 00:53:55,243 --> 00:53:56,683 [Hilary] Get on the beat! 1219 00:53:59,843 --> 00:54:03,203 [mimics Scottish accent] You may take the piss, but you'll never take my freedom! 1220 00:54:05,683 --> 00:54:07,883 Hilary, don't do that. It's disrespectful. 1221 00:54:07,963 --> 00:54:09,923 I've lost my drumsticks. 1222 00:54:14,483 --> 00:54:17,203 -Come on, Mother. We're taking Carlisle! -Jack! 1223 00:54:17,283 --> 00:54:18,403 Jack! 1224 00:54:18,483 --> 00:54:20,043 -Oh, fuck. -Turn round! 1225 00:54:22,523 --> 00:54:24,323 [yells] 1226 00:54:25,043 --> 00:54:27,043 Winston, your hat. 1227 00:54:28,923 --> 00:54:30,043 Sorry, Winst. 1228 00:54:35,763 --> 00:54:36,683 [band stops] 1229 00:54:36,763 --> 00:54:39,083 [audience cheers] 1230 00:54:45,403 --> 00:54:46,883 [Jack] Wow, I was so into that 1231 00:54:46,963 --> 00:54:50,003 I was ready to march across the border and slaughter the English. 1232 00:54:50,083 --> 00:54:52,443 One more tune! One more tune! 1233 00:54:52,523 --> 00:54:53,683 One more tune! 1234 00:54:54,683 --> 00:54:55,843 [Jack] But instead, 1235 00:54:55,923 --> 00:54:59,843 we head up to the Edinburgh Castle to take in the breathtaking views 1236 00:54:59,923 --> 00:55:02,683 and see out what has been an emotional final trip. 1237 00:55:05,523 --> 00:55:07,523 -Quite fresh up here. -Very fresh. 1238 00:55:07,603 --> 00:55:08,723 -Do you think? -Yeah. 1239 00:55:09,483 --> 00:55:12,163 -That was a good way to go out, though. -Yeah, it was. 1240 00:55:12,923 --> 00:55:15,483 They were so good, those piper people, too. 1241 00:55:15,563 --> 00:55:17,243 -Yeah. -The pipers and the drums. 1242 00:55:17,323 --> 00:55:20,483 -I thought that was a good way to finish. -Yeah. 1243 00:55:20,563 --> 00:55:21,923 Sad, but 1244 00:55:22,003 --> 00:55:22,883 a good way. 1245 00:55:22,963 --> 00:55:25,603 -Sad that it's come to an end? -Yeah. 1246 00:55:25,683 --> 00:55:28,083 -I don't think we left anything out there. -No. 1247 00:55:28,643 --> 00:55:29,883 I'm going to miss it. 1248 00:55:30,683 --> 00:55:32,963 When I'm moaning and complaining, 1249 00:55:33,643 --> 00:55:36,323 I think to myself, "What else would you be doing… 1250 00:55:36,403 --> 00:55:38,243 -Yeah. -…at 81?" 1251 00:55:38,323 --> 00:55:40,483 "You're so bloody lucky." 1252 00:55:40,563 --> 00:55:42,683 And I do… I know I'm bloody lucky. 1253 00:55:42,763 --> 00:55:44,323 I'm bloody lucky as well. 1254 00:55:44,403 --> 00:55:46,163 We've had a great time. 1255 00:55:46,683 --> 00:55:50,723 I'm sure we'll do lots of other things together, just no more travels. 1256 00:55:52,123 --> 00:55:53,443 -Thank you. -It's been fun. 1257 00:55:53,523 --> 00:55:56,963 [emotional music playing] 1258 00:56:03,243 --> 00:56:04,563 Pipe down! 1259 00:56:05,963 --> 00:56:08,603 -Bagpipes. -I thought you liked the bagpipes now. 1260 00:56:08,683 --> 00:56:12,523 Yeah, but without the band, it sounds like a strangled cat. 1261 00:56:13,563 --> 00:56:16,283 I've got a great final surprise for you guys. 1262 00:56:16,363 --> 00:56:20,923 So, I've arranged for you to get home in a very spectacular fashion. 1263 00:56:21,003 --> 00:56:23,643 Very spectacular. You are going to love it. 1264 00:56:24,523 --> 00:56:25,443 So, 1265 00:56:25,923 --> 00:56:28,683 that's my parting gift to you guys. 1266 00:56:29,523 --> 00:56:31,083 Don't. Why? 1267 00:56:31,163 --> 00:56:33,163 We're having a lovely moment as a family together 1268 00:56:33,243 --> 00:56:35,523 and you two start sucking each other's faces off. 1269 00:56:36,363 --> 00:56:37,603 One more 1270 00:56:37,683 --> 00:56:38,483 and then no more. 1271 00:56:38,563 --> 00:56:40,123 -Ever again, preferably. -Right. 1272 00:56:40,203 --> 00:56:42,883 -[Michael] Come on. -[Jack] Just want to take in this moment. 1273 00:56:42,963 --> 00:56:44,883 [Hilary] Out of interest, did you go traditional? 1274 00:56:44,963 --> 00:56:46,563 [Jack] None of your business. [shouts] 1275 00:56:46,643 --> 00:56:48,763 Don't… Get off! 1276 00:56:48,843 --> 00:56:50,163 How old are you? 1277 00:56:50,243 --> 00:56:52,043 -Eighty-one years old. -Yeah. 1278 00:56:52,123 --> 00:56:54,763 -And you think that's funny? -I just wanted to check. 1279 00:56:54,843 --> 00:56:56,403 Have you got anything under yours? 1280 00:56:56,963 --> 00:56:58,643 [Michael] Me? No, of course not. 1281 00:56:59,723 --> 00:57:01,603 [Jack] Had to tuck his bollocks into his sock. 1282 00:57:01,683 --> 00:57:04,123 [bagpipes continue playing] 1283 00:57:13,163 --> 00:57:15,643 [Jack] Hilary wasn't joking about her surprise. 1284 00:57:15,723 --> 00:57:18,603 She's organized an incredible flying experience. 1285 00:57:18,683 --> 00:57:20,603 The guys from Biggin Hill have picked us up 1286 00:57:20,683 --> 00:57:23,683 in a pair of World War Two Spitfires. 1287 00:57:24,243 --> 00:57:25,963 What a way to go. 1288 00:57:26,043 --> 00:57:27,363 Well, not go go. 1289 00:57:27,443 --> 00:57:29,843 I hope to God these things have been safety checked. 1290 00:57:30,403 --> 00:57:34,643 [emotional orchestral music playing] 1291 00:57:34,723 --> 00:57:38,323 [Michael] It's always been a childhood dream of mine to fly in one of these. 1292 00:57:38,403 --> 00:57:40,603 Pretty incredible, Daddy, right? 1293 00:57:40,683 --> 00:57:42,603 It is quite exciting. 1294 00:57:42,683 --> 00:57:45,803 Definitely one off the bucket list for me. 1295 00:57:45,883 --> 00:57:49,243 Right, shall we see what these bad boys are capable of? 1296 00:57:49,323 --> 00:57:51,163 Let's do a loop-the-loop. 1297 00:57:52,203 --> 00:57:54,163 Absolutely not. 1298 00:57:54,243 --> 00:57:55,603 [Michael groans] 1299 00:57:55,683 --> 00:57:58,243 I said no! 1300 00:57:58,323 --> 00:57:59,203 [Jack] Oh my God. 1301 00:57:59,283 --> 00:58:00,323 [dramatic music playing] 1302 00:58:00,403 --> 00:58:02,563 Don't forget to smile, Daddy. 1303 00:58:02,643 --> 00:58:04,683 -[Michael groans] -[Jack whoops] 1304 00:58:06,163 --> 00:58:09,403 [Jack screams] 1305 00:58:11,003 --> 00:58:12,483 [Michael] Oh my God. 1306 00:58:15,963 --> 00:58:17,763 [Jack whoops] 1307 00:58:17,843 --> 00:58:19,243 [Michael] Oh. 1308 00:58:19,323 --> 00:58:20,323 Shit. 1309 00:58:22,043 --> 00:58:23,163 [Michael] Turn it off. 1310 00:58:23,643 --> 00:58:24,563 Fuck. 1311 00:58:26,203 --> 00:58:27,563 I'm going to chunder. 1312 00:58:29,323 --> 00:58:30,603 [Jack] Oh my God. 1313 00:58:32,243 --> 00:58:34,043 Oh, God. 1314 00:58:34,763 --> 00:58:36,443 Did you like that, Daddy? 1315 00:58:38,683 --> 00:58:41,723 I'm afraid I'm feeling very sick. 1316 00:58:42,923 --> 00:58:45,163 I should have got the train.