[Jack] My singing teacher at school was Welsh, Gareth Jones.
[Michael] Oh yes. I rather liked him.
[mimics Welsh accent] I want you to imagine you're pushing a rugby ball
down into a bucket of water.
That's what he said. I never quite understood what it meant.
I have no idea what it meant.
[Jack clears throat]
♪ Bread of heaven Bread of heaven ♪
♪ Feed me till ♪
♪ I want no more ♪
♪ Want no more ♪
♪ Feed me till ♪
♪ I want no more ♪
[Jack] Whatever happened to Gareth Jones?
[Michael] Probably went deaf.
[upbeat orchestral music playing]
[Jack] We're on our final trip and Hilary has brought us to Portmeirion,
a tourist attraction famed for the eccentricity of its architecture,
in Gwynedd, Wales.
Yesterday, Mother revealed Michael and her have sold our beloved family home
without telling me.
So,
this was the brainchild of a chap called Clough Williams-Ellis.
He was a man ahead of his time, because he loved to get old buildings
and repurpose them here.
So those pillars there, he bought those in 1932
and he kept them for 30 years thinking, "What shall I do with them?"
-But you have to wait to see what… -Yeah, see what came up.
So, say a family called up and said,
"We're getting rid of our family home and we don't need it anymore."
"Do you want these old bricks?"
We haven't knocked down the family house. We've sold it.
You've bulldozed my childhood.
-[Hilary sighs] -[kids shouting]
[Michael] Those children are bloody noisy over there.
Do you know what the Welsh for "shut the fuck up" is?
-Daddy. -No.
[Hilary] Right, I don't want swearing on my selfie video.
So up here…
is a stunning view.
-Hi. -[man] Hey.
[Jack] A happy family.
I remember when I had one of them
with loving parents and a lovely
family home.
[Michael] Are you listening to all this?
[Jack] Why didn't you tell me?
-[Michael] What? -I don't understand.
We've been on the road a week. You could have slipped it into conversation.
I mean, there's not much to tell.
Anyway, I'm sorry about the house, Jack, but I'm sure in the long run
you'll appreciate it.
I hope you'll love it. I hope you're ready for country life.
[Jack] Not wanting to leave things on bad terms
before Mother returns to London to destroy my memories,
there's time for an ice cream.
[in Welsh] Good morning.
[in English] Show-off.
Got Welsh in my locker as well.
-How much Welsh can you speak? -I speak conversational Welsh.
Okay, come on then.
-Start a conversation. -Bore da.
-That's "good morning." -Then what?
Popty ping.
"Popty ping"?
-What is that? -It means "microwave" in Welsh.
Very conversational.
Well, you can't go straight in in a conversation with somebody,
you say, "Good morning" to them and then you say
"microwave?"
I have conversational Welsh.
And it is conversational Welsh, but it's just one specific conversation,
which is the one you have with someone when you're buying a microwave.
Well, not even conversation, it's just the first word.
-I know, microwave. -"Microwave?"
And they say, "Absolutely, I'll go and find one."
Well, maybe on this trip I'll pick up a bit more.
-I've got it. -Everything okay with your coffees?
-[Hilary] Lovely, thank you. -Mine's a little cold.
-Could you whack that in the popty ping? -Of course.
Thank you.
-Such a show-off. -She knew what I meant.
I wonder what the Welsh for "idiot" is.
[mimics Welsh accent] Idiot.
-[Hilary splutters] -[Jack laughs]
[Hilary, laughing] Sorry, the ice cream came down my nose.
I don't know who's worse, you or him.
[Jack and Hilary laugh]
I didn't know you were fluent as well, Daddy.
[Welsh national anthem playing]
[Jack] Now that Hilary has returned to London,
Michael and I can continue our Welsh adventure.
Wales isn't just known for rugby, leeks and cheeky Vimtos.
The sheep here outnumber people 3-1.
So, Mother Dearest thought we couldn't come to Wales
without visiting a sheep farm.
We've come to Llanfairfechan, which is "fechan" beautiful,
to meet sheep farmer Gareth.
[in Welsh] Welcome to Ty'n Llwyfan.
-[in English] To you too, sir. -[Michael] Welsh deserted you there, Jack.
-Hello. Michael. -Hello, Michael.
Very good to meet you.
You're going to have a little bit of a day on a working farm.
I'm going to get a sheepdog for you both. We're going to go down the field.
I'm going to give you
an immersive lesson in sheepdog handling
and a quick lesson in Welsh.
Let's get dogging.
[Gareth whistles]
-Right, does that fit you? -[Michael] Thank you very much.
-So, this is a crook. Shepherd's crook. -Yeah.
We use these to catch sheep.
So we grab it
round the neck.
This reminds me of that thing we used to use to pull you offstage.
-You'd go on… -Never happened.
-…tell these jokes, nobody would laugh. -And you'd be waiting in the wings?
I'd just come in the wings and just go like that.
-Good night! -Haul him off.
None of that. Come on, let's go.
-Do we pick a dog? -I've got one.
-You just took the dogs out? -Yeah. [whistles]
There's no messing about with him, is there?
[sheep bleats]
Right, this is Jo, or Pentir Jo by his full name.
Now, Jo will have commands.
So, you have a left command, a right command.
So, "to the left" is "come-by."
-Got that? Come-by? -Come-by.
And the whistle for come-by…
[two short whistles]
-Come-by, whistle, whistle. -Yep.
Come-by. [whistles]
[speaks Welsh]
-[in English] Who's Diane? -[speaks Welsh]
-[in English] Oh, "di-own." -That was "good." Very good.
The most important command we've got, Michael,
is the "lie down," the "stop."
And that is…
[speaks Welsh]
[in English] And the whistle…
[descending whistle]
Now, I want to hear you with some real force…
-Some welly. -Yeah.
-Right, you ready? -Yeah.
-[speaks Welsh] -[whistles airily]
[in English] Looked like you were trying to kiss me, come on.
-Are we ready to go? -[Jack] Yep, let's do it.
Our challenge is to get the sheep in that little pen.
Come on.
[whistles] Okay.
[Jack shrieks]
You didn't say they'd come at me.
Come-way, ha-way! No!
-[jaunty instrumental music playing] -[Jack grunting]
-Why are you letting them sheep pass you? -I'm not!
-Jack. -Like a wet lettuce, man.
-No! -Fetch!
-No, Jack! -Fetch!
Don't throw my stick! That's an insult!
-[Jack speaks Welsh] -[Gareth whistling]
[Michael] There's no point grabbing them. That's not going to work.
-[Jack] No, no. -[Gareth] Hold on, Jack.
-[sheep bleating] -Kumbaya, over there.
What you doing?
-What do you think, Michael? -He's not as bright as the sheep.
I reckon if I get the leader…
-[Jack grunts] Yes! -[Gareth] Oh, you got one in!
[Gareth whistling]
Jack, can you just fuck off?
Because you're not doing anything, just causing havoc.
-[sheep bleating] -[Gareth speaks Welsh]
-I've pulled one! -Jack.
What are you doing?
Bring it in, Jack. [whistles]
-[sheep bleat] -[whistles]
Come-by, come-by.
-Come on. -Come-by.
-In you go, Jack. -Okay.
In you go. [speaks Welsh]
[in English] Sit.
Sit. Sit.
No! Back in there!
What are you doing?
[panting]
You lot! Sheep!
You're going in here now.
We've had enough of this nonsense.
I want you in this pen now.
I will count to five and if you are not in these pens,
you're going in a casserole.
[sheep bleats]
Stop fucking around.
There, good, good.
[triumphant orchestral music playing]
-Yes! -Good boys.
Well done.
[Gareth chuckles]
-Thank you, Michael. -That's how you do it, Jack.
Just by sheer presence of mind and personality,
I have got those sheep into there.
I think it was a team effort.
-I tired them out. -I will agree with that.
They were exhausted by the end.
They were like,
"We can't be assed to do this anymore, let's get in the pen."
Wonderful. Come on. [speaks Welsh]
[in English] I'm not a sheep!
-Go on. -No!
No, no, no!
[Gareth] You didn't close the fucking gate!
After all that!
[Jack] Next up, Gareth wants to give us a tour of his 2,000 acre farm
in his all-terrain vehicle.
To be brutally honest, once you've seen one acre, you've seen them all.
Are you gentlemen all right in the back there?
Daddy, you doing okay?
[Gareth] Just don't stick your heads out.
There's a bit of a cliff on the other side.
[Michael] Wow.
-[crunch] -Nine hundred feet.
-[Michael groans] -Was that you, Michael?
That's my hip gone.
[Jack and Gareth laugh]
At least you heard it go.
[Gareth] Now it gets rough.
[Jack] Oh no, Max.
Max, that's not a great position for me.
Max. Please, no, Max!
[yelps]
[laughing] Daddy.
[Michael] How is it down there, Jack?
Max just farted in my face
from about an inch away.
No, not again! Max, do not!
Shut that sphincter!
Don't you dare!
Max!
Do you think this is funny, Max?
[Gareth] Oh, is he wanting a number two?
[shrieks] No!
Max!
What's "stop"?
What's "stop" in Welsh?
-Cachu. -Cachu?
-Cachu. -Cachu.
-You just told him to shit. -No!
[Gareth and Jack laugh]
-[Gareth, in Welsh] Go on, shit on him! -[Jack, in English] No!
Don't cachen!
Well, here we go. We're on the top of Dinas.
-[Jack and Michael grunt] -[Gareth] We've arrived.
So, this is Dinas.
And if you translate from the Welsh to the English,
this means "a city."
So this was an ancient, Celtic hillfort.
You can see why they put it here.
And my family's been working this land 370 years, Jack.
-Liverpool over there? -That's it.
You can hear the car alarms on the wind.
[Gareth laughs]
This place has something special to me
since childhood, really.
And this is the place where I'll finish my life.
-Yeah. -Because I'll only go from here in a box.
But there's a Welsh saying.
[speaks Welsh]
[in English] Place for the soul to find peace.
And I always find this place that.
[emotional orchestral music playing]
You've got a big, wet patch on your back.
-What? -[Michael] Yes, you have.
I think Max has pissed on you, mate.
-Are you joking? -No.
-Is it actually? -Max peed…
That's why he had his lipstick out.
[Gareth] This is the rollercoaster.
[Jack] That emotional ending
brings to a close the Welsh part of our trip.
Next, Mother has organized for us to travel a few miles north
to the Lake District.
Aptly named because, yes, you've guessed it,
it's full of lakes.
Dripping in them.
[dramatic orchestral music playing]
And pensioners.
Yep, if you like lakes, you came to the right place.
Mother Dearest has arranged for us to stay at the luxurious Armathwaite Hall
and put on a cream tea for us.
"Ooh, exciting,"
said nobody ever.
Time to crank this up a gear.
[Jack] Do you do shots?
-[man] We've got tequila. -I'll get a pair.
-Two tequilas? -Yeah.
-[Michael] What are you doing? -You've never had a Mexican coffee?
[Michael] This is supposed to be tea.
-[Jack] Yeah. -[Michael] A cream tea.
And all you're trying to do is sabotage it with tequilas.
You are!
No one has ever sabotaged anything with a tequila, they have only livened it up.
The vibe is nearly as dry as this scone.
-I'll do you a deal. -Yeah?
-One game of croquet. -Yeah?
If you win, we stick to Mommy's plan.
If I win, we go rogue.
Yeah, definitely.
Up for that.
Good.
You are on…
like Donkey Kong.
Okay.
Let's go.
-Tequila, sir. -Thank you.
Arriba!
-Come on. -Oh God.
I'm going to enjoy this.
Absolutely hammer you.
Right.
-Here we are. -Winner takes it all.
I'm going to take this off, too.
Do you mind holding my coat?
[Jack] Taking this seriously.
[Michael] Right then.
Right, there we go.
-[horn blares] -Fuck. You put…
-What is that noise? -It's a train.
-It was a train. -That was not a train.
-It's come from your phone. -It's not. Did you not…?
-You're a cheat. -I'm not!
-You are a cheat! -I'm not!
I've been…
-You're a lousy cheat. -No, no.
-It wasn't me! -You are a lousy cheat.
[horn blares]
It's the train. There's a railway line over there.
No!
[serene orchestral music playing]
[Jack] Having won the bet, I want to show Michael
that the UK isn't all cream teas and croquet.
There's some truly surprising stuff going on in the country.
Admittedly, most of the stuff here is going to be lake-based.
But one such activity happens to be cold water swimming.
We've come down to Bassenthwaite Lake
to meet local wild swimming enthusiast Winnie
to see what it's all about.
Winnie.
-Jack! [laughs] -Hello, how are you?
-Nice to meet you. -[Michael] Winnie as in Winston Churchill?
No, as in Winnie the Pooh.
-[Michael] Oh yes, of course. -Yeah.
-It's very safe in there, isn't it? -Super safe.
There's no sharks or
crocodiles or anything?
Unless we go to Congo, where I'm from.
When I was little, we didn't swim.
And, you know, we just saw white people swimming,
but we were never allowed to swim.
It was frowned upon because lots of people died.
But, when I moved to the Lakes, it was so accessible
and I thought, "No, I need to give it a go."
So, I've got a tow float for you.
Oh, I won't need that.
It's a tow float so you can be seen, because sometimes there's lots of boats.
I don't need that. I've got it covered.
-[laughs] -I'll go in.
[Winnie laughs loudly]
-[Jack] Sans wetsuit. -Yeah.
-[Michael] Oh, God. -[Winnie] Oh wow, check you out!
[laughs]
There's a label, there's a label.
It's a sock.
What is that?
[Winnie laughs hysterically]
It's not a label, it's a sock.
[laughing] I knew the water was going to be cold…
so I thought I'd put in a sock.
I'll pretend I didn't see that.
Let's go.
-[shrieks] -[Winnie] Wait for…
Fuck that. I'll take a wetsuit.
-A wetsuit. -That is so cold.
It's not. It's warmed up.
-Come on, let's give it a go. -I need a bigger sock.
[Michael] You might need a pair.
[jaunty instrumental music playing]
You really don't need it.
I'd be happy to help.
Are we in?
The sock's ridden up a bit.
[Michael] He's always been better at getting his kit off than putting it on.
I think you've rearranged a couple of my organs there.
[Jack] Let's get in.
-Take your time, Jack. -Okay.
We're about to get to the moment
where, for a man, this becomes a very unpleasant experience.
-Oh, your balls? -Yeah.
But cold water swimming is good for your libido.
-Is it? Really? -Yeah, yeah.
And for women, it makes you a bit tighter.
[both laugh]
That was the rock, not a reaction to that.
[Jack exhales]
You going to have a stroke?
I don't know. I'm quite happy just sort of paddling.
You will enjoy it.
Then I can have a little stroke in
[yells] the deep.
[yelps]
Winnie! Winnie!
[Jack gasps]
We're in!
-Jack, just… -[Jack] That's fresh.
[Michael] Stop behaving like a wimp.
You're meant to be Mr. Merman, aren't you?
[Jack] Michael, not content to lambast me from the shore, has hired a boat.
Why is there never an iceberg when you need one?
Get your wetsuit off and stop being such a wimp.
[Jack grunts]
[whining] I don't want to. Winnie, I like the wetsuit.
You'll feel… You get the benefit better when you take it off.
You feel
like you're alive.
Trust me, trust me. [giggles]
Okay. Get it off me.
[breathes deep]
[grunts] Okay.
-[Winnie laughs] -[Jack shrieks]
I hate you, Winnie!
[Jack pants and grunts]
Yeah!
[Jack shrieks and pants]
I can't feel anything.
This is horrible, Winnie.
[Jack] I know it may look sunny, but in my defense
that water is as cold as the blood that runs through Daddy's veins.
-Don't leave me! -No, you are not coming in this boat.
Go away.
If you need to, whack him with the oar.
Michael! How could you leave me?
-Are you feeling the benefit? -Oh, yeah.
-Do you feel alive? -I feel…
-Do you feel…? -I feel alive!
[Jack whoops]
The sock friend.
All washed up.
Look, fuck off!
[Winnie laughs]
Winnie, that was an amazing experience.
-You enjoyed it. -Yeah.
-I should… -No, I'll keep it.
Okay.
A little memento of our time together.
-Winnie! -[Winnie laughs]
Sorry, sorry.
Sorry.
[serene classical music playing]
I really enjoyed my wild swimming experience.
But,
in hindsight I can see why it's an activity that attracts
a lot more women than men.
The turtle has
somewhat retreated into the shell.
I don't know if it will ever come back out.
[jazzy music playing]
[Jack] Next up, I've planned a unique activity even Michael can join in with.
The countryside ramble has been given a glow-up in the UK.
Welcome to trekking
with llamas.
We are hiking Catbells Terrace with George
and Dopey.
He's the one on the left.
Led by our guide Ruby with Sven.
[Ruby] We'll just take our time up to the top here.
[Jack] Is Dopey a man or a woman?
-He's a male, but he's a castrated male. -Yeah, I was just sort of…
You're not going to see much manhood there.
Come on, Dopey.
When were you castrated? How long ago?
Did it hurt?
So,
we're looking out on Derwentwater here.
Up to the left, that's Skiddaw, and then down on the lake, we've got a few islands.
We've got St Herbert's Island, but we've also got Derwent Isle.
-Very nice, Jack. -Beautiful.
-[llamas grumble] -You've mentioned St Herbert.
I've never heard of a saint called Herbert.
But there obviously is a St Herbert.
[Ruby] Lord Pocklington used to think he was the king of Keswick
and fired cannons at people's boats.
Quite an eccentric chap.
And then we're looking out on…
[George bleats]
What you…?
What are you doing?
-Nothing. -Stop it.
-I'm not, Daddy… -Stop it.
-I'm just giving them a little… -Do you want this stick up your ass?
Just stop doing that.
You have a bowl in your hat. I thought it would be a nice place for the feed.
Look, they'll love it.
-Let me put it in here. -No!
And you just squat and they'll feed.
I don't want it in my hat.
Dopey does.
[llama bleats]
We'll start walking this way, guys.
Are you going to scratch your balls again, or where your balls used to be?
Come on, Jack, get on with it.
Who's walking who up there?
[Jack] It's not down there.
-Jack, why are you in such… -No, no, no.
[Michael] Completely out of control.
[Jack] George, walk, please. You're making me look like a fool.
You're making me look like a fool, George.
Come on, let's just stay on the track.
Like Ruby said. Yes, better. Thank you.
If he's this frisky now, imagine what he was like
when he had a set of bollocks.
[Michael] You've had enough of that, come on. Come with Daddy.
There's a good Dopey baby.
[Jack groans] Not the Winston voice.
Yes.
When did you become a llama expert?
I think we ought to get one of these.
Dopey, would you like to come to Oxfordshire with me?
We've just bought a nice house in the country.
Once my wife gets used to you,
you can sleep at the end of our bed.
I wasn't expecting to bond with a…
with a llama.
I thought that llama was really sweet.
Do you know what I would call a llama if I had one?
-What? -Dalai.
Yes.
Dalai Llama.
Everybody would go…
[sniggers] "Jack, you're so funny."
[Jack] Kendrick "Llamar"?
[Michael] I don't know what you're talking about.
[Jack] I've had enough of the stuffy hotels Mommy's booked.
Tonight in Cartmel, I've booked us somewhere fun, relaxed
and different.
Well, rural.
Definitely rural.
Ah, hello.
Good afternoon and welcome.
We've got your room all ready for you.
If you'd like to head through over there.
-[Jack] Thanks very much. -[Michael] Right.
Quite rustic, isn't it?
I told you, it's a converted stable.
Right, okay. What the fuck is this?
-I know… -Yes?
…what you're going to say.
This room does not have a television.
But it's fine, I've got my laptop and we can watch Netflix.
This is a wind-up, isn't it?
You're just winding me up.
You want a country life. This is the country life.
[horse nickers]
[Jack] Sleeping with a horse.
-Shall we make ourselves at home? -Good joke.
Let's go back to the car.
No, Daddy, we're staying here.
This is the ultimate equine
experience.
I don't want an equine experience.
I'm not going to sleep in here with a horse.
You're not with the horse. It's next door and we sleep in the bed.
If this doesn't prepare you for country living, I don't know what will.
[Jack] This is actually a real thing.
Our hosts' stable stays invite guests to spend the night
sleeping next to a huge Friesian horse.
Ridiculous.
Shall we make ourselves at home?
If I'm going to bed in here,
I'm going to need a very strong sleeping pill.
I can ask Matey if he's got any ketamine.
[tranquil guitar music playing]
[Jack] As night sets in,
Don Whitehall is looking a little scared at the prospect
of waking up with a horse's head in his bed.
[grunts]
I might sleep this end so I can see the horsie more.
-Hey, Daddy. -What are you doing?
-Are you saying good night to the horse? -No.
I haven't said hello to the horse
and I'm not going to say good night to it.
Just go to bed, okay?
I see that you've popped out
the old riot baton.
Oh my God, look at the size of it, Daddy.
Look at it.
I normally get that in the morning.
Do you think we're we all right to go to bed with it like that?
-Daddy? -What?
Look at the horse. It's fully tumescent.
I think you should go in there
with a table spoon and give it a whack.
Right.
Right, I think we're going to bed now, Jack. Good night.
Right.
Horseplay over I think.
[grunts]
Night night, Daddy.
Breakfast-wise tomorrow, shall we just
get it on the hoof?
Need to make sure I
maintain a stable diet.
Jack.
Will you fucking rein it in?
Please don't use
foal language.
[sniggers]
[tranquil guitar music playing]
[Jack] This place comes with so many extra perks, including the option
of an early morning wake-up call from one of their friendly chambermaids.
Oh my God, Jack.
Yeah?
What is this mare?
That's Mr. J.B.
Well, take Mr. J.B. away.
-I don't want it in bed. -It's a wake-up call.
No.
-It's a Shetland pony. -No.
-Isn't that the cutest thing you've seen? -No, it is not.
Beats any alarm clock, right?
How did you sleep?
I can't believe I agreed to any of this.
I slept absolutely appallingly.
You are sounding a little hoarse this morning.
Don't start that again.
This horse seems to be getting out of control down here, Jack.
-Can you sort it? -What do you mean, "sort it"?
Hello.
-You're not getting into bed. -Do you want a cuddle?
-[Jack shouts] -No.
[exhales] That's heavy of foot.
-You've got yourself to blame for that. -[grunts]
I've seen some things in my time, but this really does
take the horse biscuit.
It's trying to get in.
You're not getting in this bed. No!
[Jack] It thinks it's found a wrinkly old carrot.
[Michael] No.
[Jack] Well, now I've blown Michael's mind and probably the ponies' as well,
it's time to return to Mommy's itinerary.
[bagpipe music playing]
So, from the stunning Lake District, we drive five hours north,
across the border and into the highlands of Scotland.
On the way, taking in the breathtaking sights
of the Glencoe Mountains.
But suddenly, the whole trip is imperiled with a serious medical emergency.
That Shetland pony reared up.
-"Reared up"? -It reared up.
And then it stamped down on my toe.
[groans]
Where's it gone?
-Have you washed your feet recently? -I can't wash my foot.
Because it's quite pongy in here.
-That is not normal. -I don't want it.
-No. No! -Do you think that's sepsis?
-No! -It could be sepsis.
-Move it away. -Ow! Daddy!
I'm trying to drive.
[folk music playing]
[Jack] Later that day and one suit change later for Michael,
we arrive at our Scottish accommodation Mother has arranged:
Carberry Tower in Musselburgh.
[Michael] What's that wheelchair doing there?
-I called ahead and asked for assistance. -You didn't.
Yes.
You did not seriously do that.
I'm injured.
It's a service that they provide.
-I called ahead and requested it. -Ridiculous.
It's not being ridiculous. I've hurt myself.
I have hurt my foot.
-[man] Good afternoon, sir. How are you? -Hey.
-Hiya, mate. Sorry. -Oh dear.
-Are you okay, sir? -Yeah. [grunts]
-Thank you. -Goodness gracious me.
What's happened here?
I had a riding accident.
I'm so sorry to hear that.
I'm sorry to say that is all bollocks.
You were playing footsie with My Little Pony.
-That's not true. -You were.
-Can you just get the bags, please? -Yes, I can.
Careful.
[Jack whimpers]
I can't believe he's asked me to bring his fucking bags in.
[receptionist] …beautiful grounds and the sun is shining.
I wish I could
say I'd be able to walk around the grounds, but…
-We've got a walking stick for you. -Bloody backpack, too.
-Enough of that. -Daddy!
Oh! Yeah, you were out of that wheelchair quickly.
This has got valuable things in it.
Yes, I'm sure it has.
-I do beg your pardon. -That's no problem at all.
-If you'd just like to follow me. -[Jack] Can I get a hand, please?
-[Michael] No, you can do that. -Michael.
Don't be ridiculous.
I'm not…
[grunts]
Daddy!
[bagpipe music playing]
[Jack] The next morning, Hilary's arranged something that's always been
a personal childhood dream of mine:
to go in search
of the Loch Ness Monster.
May 2nd, 1933, the Loch Ness Monster was first photographed.
Later exposed to be a hoax but oddly, since then,
there have been hundreds of sightings.
To help us try to find the Monster, we've sought out the Nessie Hunter.
Keep your eyes peeled.
It could appear at any moment.
-Cor! -[Jack splutters]
Oh no, sorry.
No, no, that's just a duck. Sorry.
-Hello. -You must be Steve.
-You must be Jack. -You must be Steve.
Nice to meet you.
-This is Michael. -Hello, nice to meet you.
[Jack] Steve Feltham gave up his everyday life 30 years ago
to come live in this caravan on the shores of Loch Ness
to search for the Monster.
This guy really is a modern-day hero.
What's the closest you've ever come to a Nessie sighting?
Last summer,
a friend of mine at the other end of the Loch, he brought me
the best bit of evidence I've ever seen in the history of…
-Hang on, I've got it. I'll show you. -Is it a skull?
[Steve laughs]
-A skull with a really long neck. -Hang on.
[grunting] I've got it here.
You will like this.
-That there, look. -[Jack gasps]
[Steve] That's about 20 feet long.
That's in about 500 foot of water, maybe.
Looks like a croissant.
And the boat that got this
does hour-long trips every day.
So he's been over this spot hundreds and hundreds of times.
So our best chance
of finding Nessie might be
to get on this boat.
If we went out with him on his boat.
-And go to this spot. -Yeah.
And look for the massive object.
That's the best chance we've got.
[Jack] With two full-time Nessie hunters to help us,
we're bound to lay our eyes on something.
Aren't we?
Why are these trained at someone's bedroom window, Steve?
I mean, she's lovely.
Now I can see why.
I hope that's a rival Nessie hunter you're spying on.
-Keeping an eye on the competition. -Nothing more sordid.
They are actually trained at someone's house.
-Are they? -Yeah.
I think you maybe want them a bit further down. Yeah, there.
-Thank you. -That's all right.
[upbeat folk music playing]
[Jack] Steve's friend has an opening in his diary and we're out on the loch.
I guess if we catch her, we'll just throw her back in, like with fishing.
[mimics Scottish accent] Let's go catch ourselves a Nessie.
[Michael] I don't know what you think you look like in that yellow coat.
[Jack] An absolute baller.
[Jack] In 2020, skipper Ronald spotted a large blob on his sonar
that many believe could be the Loch Ness Monster.
And you're the guy that found a strange object?
-Yeah, and it made the news worldwide. -Wow.
So all the time I've been on the loch,
it's the most amazing bit of evidence I've ever seen
to prove there's something in the loch.
-We might pick it up again, who knows? -Yeah.
We are actually getting quite close to the point
where we picked it up on sonar, so
keep an eye on the screens up there.
So anything that shows up in that black area
is a fish or a monster.
It's a big red dot you're looking for.
[Jack] Nothing yet.
All about patience, though, isn't it? A waiting game.
Thirty years he's been waiting.
Well, 50 years it took me.
-Fifty years? -Fifty years, yeah.
Well this has turned into a pissing contest I'm not equipped for.
I've been here six hours
and I'm already getting a little bit impatient.
[Jack] Right, I've decided to take matters into my own hands.
Time to get chumming with the fish guts.
If it's good enough for Jaws, it's good enough for Nessie.
[Michael] That looks quite nice, that.
[Jack] Shall we drop some in?
[waves softly lapping]
Just wait for it.
Thirty-one years.
Maybe he's doing one of those intermittent fasts.
[Jack] You know, when you don't eat from…
[Steve] …season to season.
[Jack] Oh well, season to season for a monster.
-Throw another bucket at it. -Yeah.
Let's do one nice and close.
Daddy.
-[Steve] Yes, I see your technique there. -[Jack] Where you chuck in the bucket?
You keep the bucket there, because if the Monster comes out now,
you've got the bucket to hit it with.
[Jack] That could be the only thing we're fishing out today.
Did they not use sea shanties to bring up the mermaids and things like that?
That was what they were for.
Please don't ask him to do a sea shanty.
♪ Soon may the Wellerman come To bring us sugar and tea and rum ♪
♪ One day, when the Nessie will come We'll take our leave and go ♪
[vocalizes to the tune of "The Wellerman"]
[Steve] It's not the right song.
[Michael] It's not the right song for anybody,
monsters or not.
[hums "The Wellerman"]
Completely mad that boy is.
[mimics Scottish accent] Come here, ya big bastard.
Come to Jackie.
Come to Jackie!
[grunts]
Ya…
Fuck.
-[mysterious music playing] -Daddy?
-Yeah? -Come down here with the net.
In case I get a bite.
I think it's very unlikely.
[dramatic music playing]
Daddy, I've got one!
I got a bite! [grunts]
[straining] Just come on.
She's pulling me under!
Hold my legs, Daddy!
[grunts and yells]
Come on!
We nearly got her now.
I'm losing her, I'm losing her! [grunts]
[Michael] You are an idiot.
[Jack pants]
-Nearly had her. -Yeah, I saw it.
There was nothing there at all.
[breathlessly] She's…
She's fucked off now.
She put up a good fight.
Nearly had her.
You were the witness, okay?
-I was not the witness. -You saw it.
I saw you making an awful lot of noise about nothing.
I felt her power.
-Right. -On the end of my grabber.
A myth no more.
The day the legend
became a reality.
[Jack] I'm a proper Nessie hunter now in that, like these guys,
I've never seen one,
but I can claim to, sort of.
Now for a celebration song.
♪ There once was a ship that put to sea ♪
♪ The name of the ship Was the Billy o' Tea ♪
♪ The winds blew up, her bow down O blow, my bully boys, blow ♪
♪ Soon may the Wellerman come To bring us sugar and tea and rum ♪
♪ One day, when the tonguin' is done We'll take our leave and go ♪
[vocalizing to the tune of "The Wellerman"]
Nailed it.
I've had sex at the top of that tower.
Please tell me your chat-up line was "Do you want to see the Loch Ness Monster?"
[Steve hums "The Wellerman"]
[Jack] So, I'm one item down on the bucket list and one bucket down if I'm counting.
But what an experience.
Now it's time for dinner.
We had planned to have filet of Nessie, but for obvious reasons,
we had to have haggis instead.
Thank you.
I love it when they put the little pan on the plate.
A little bit of theater with your dinner.
Mm-hm.
Traditional.
Haggis.
Very nice.
Jack.
Could you pass me the salt?
-Please. -It's definitely salty enough.
Well it might be for you, not for me.
I'd just like a little bit more salt.
Could you pass me the salt?
Fine.
[funky bass riff playing]
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
[bass riff fades]
Jack, could I actually get the pepper as well, please?
[fork clatters]
[bass riff resumes]
Actually, sorry.
I don't think it really needs any more pepper.
-[bass riff fades] -I think it's fine.
I'll leave it down here in case you change your mind.
Thank you very much.
[bass riff resumes]
Do you think
you could get me just a drop
of red wine?
Fuck this, I'm sitting down there, next to you.
-No, you don't have to. I'm fine. -No.
I mean only a tiny…
Yeah, I'm not… I'm not your butler.
It's like a meal and a workout.
Do you just want to pass me that red wine?
Yeah, I'm…
That's fine.
Thank you.
You know I have, obviously,
had quite a lot of time to process this news and think about it
and I have come to accept it
and therefore, I
do give you my blessing
to go and live in the country.
-Your blessing? -Yeah.
You go with my blessing.
I'm happy for you and this new start.
And even though you've sold the family home, that's fine.
You have my blessing
to go and…
start a new life.
-I don't want your blessing. -Well, you have it.
It's yours.
I don't need it.
Well,
if you did need it, it's there.
My blessing.
I don't need it.
But if you wanted it…
I don't want it.
Well, if you were to want it,
you have my blessing.
But I'm not going to be wanting it.
Well…
It's very unlikely that I would ever need your blessing…
-Okay, well. -…on a house I've already bought.
Is there any part of you that's quite worried
about starting a new life
in the country
aged 81?
-It's quite old to be… -It is.
…making such a big life choice.
-Thank God for Mother. -Yeah, absolutely.
Because there's absolutely no way
you'd be able to do that move…
The man who owned this house has left us two tractors
and your mother has already used both of them.
Your mother can sit on anything and make it work.
Okay.
Again…
-Well, that's not quite what… -No, there's no…
No.
I didn't mean it to come out quite like that.
-You know what I mean about your mother. -I do, I do.
[airy orchestral music playing]
[Jack] Next morning, and Mommy has excelled herself.
I am a massive Harry Potter fan.
I've seen all the movies and read nearly one of the books.
Now, she's booked us tickets on the actual Hogwarts Express,
a Jacobite steam train built in 1949 and featured in the movies.
Fans come from all over the world to make this trip.
Fang looks so much smaller in real life.
This train reminds me of the one I used to go back to school in
when I was a little boy.
You went to Hogwarts?
Hogwarts is not a real place, Jack. You've got to realize that.
Were you head boy of Slytherin when you were there?
-These are real trains. -I think this is us.
-[guard whistle blows] -[train whistle blows]
[Jack] Described as one of the greatest rail journeys in the world,
it starts at Fort William,
at the foothills of the highest mountain in the UK, Ben Nevis,
then winds its way past many lochs to Mallaig
at the southern tip of the Isle of Skye.
It must be so exciting for all these kids.
They booked the Harry Potter train and didn't think they'd get to see Voldemort.
-Oh, God. -In the flesh.
-Very funny. -You could probably get a gig here.
Scaring the children.
[cinematic music playing]
[gasps] Daddy, it's the Harry Potter bridge.
How exciting is this?
[Michael] Wake me up when we get somewhere.
Daddy, look.
Yes, it's a bridge.
We've got one in Putney.
I must say, I do have very fond memories of being here,
because I was newly wed
and I used to come up here
because the in-laws were up here.
-They lived…? -Yeah.
Yes. I mean, very near here.
And we used to drive up together.
It was quite a long drive.
I had a rather cheeky little MG sportscar…
[sweeping orchestral music playing]
We were in love, you know.
We were young, we were in love.
Not that young.
Well, no.
-She was younger than you. -Yes, she was younger than me.
I mean, in a way, my most romantic memories
were here.
You know, we'd go off…
for the day
with a picnic basket,
eat…
[orchestral music continues]
We were in this huge field with heather and so and so,
and then suddenly, it started pouring with rain.
And she got all soaked, all across… you know.
And she had to take her dress off, she was so wet.
Yeah, okay. I don't need all the sordid details.
I remember rubbing her down,
drying her off,
and then thinking, "I wouldn't mind having a bit of that."
[Jack] How do you get off this train?
She always looked great in a swimsuit.
Really?
She filled a swimsuit very well.
But then she was an amazing,
amazingly attractive girl, Jane.
[music stops]
Who the fuck is Jane?
What do you mean?
-You said Jane? -Yeah, Jane.
My first wife.
-All of that was about your first wife? -Yeah.
I thought you were talking about Mommy.
No, I didn't meet Mommy until years later.
Why would you…?
Why would you tell me a load of romantic stories about your first wife?
I thought that's what you were talking about.
We were talking about the Scottish highlands and all that.
If you wish to tell me stories about romantic holidays,
please make them stories
about romantic holidays you've had with my mother.
Okay.
I feel like that's
a note that I'm going to come to regret at some point on this trip.
But for now, please,
no more stories about other wives.
Okay, all right.
[Jack] To plug the torrent of filth, I tried to distract Daddy
with a fun game.
[jaunty music playing]
Is that supposed to be funny?
I mean…
-It's the tunnel game. -Fuck.
It's not a game I'm going to indulge myself in.
-No, next time. -No, you're the comedian.
You do the funny faces.
[jaunty music playing]
Where have you gone?
-Boo! -Oh!
Go on, get out of there, Jack.
If the ticket inspector came down, he'd get a very wrong impression.
Gross. I'm your son.
Well, he wouldn't know you were my son.
Next time, you do it. Just do one.
Okay. Only one, though.
One more and then no more.
There's one here.
[jaunty music playing]
[Jack laughs]
Hello, would you like anything off the trolley?
No thank you. He's had a bit too much to…
Oh, has he already? Oh dear.
You know you're in Scotland
when you tell her that I'm inebriated
and she doesn't bat an eyelid,
just keeps wheeling her trolley down the rest of the corridor.
They're probably like that up and down the train.
It's probably the ones that aren't pissed she's surprised at.
[Jack chuckles]
[Jack] What an experience.
If you end up booking it, make sure you check ahead.
You do not want to get stuck on their broom replacement service.
Now, we are headed a few hours south to Edinburgh.
Hilary has organized the final leg of our last trip together
at the place where our comedy journey began.
I used to perform every year at the world-famous Edinburgh Festival.
It's where all British comedians come to start their career.
Wherever my dad is now, he will be looking down on us.
He's not dead, he's
just very condescending.
[audience laughs]
In 2011,
[Jack] I thought it would be fun to invite Michael up on stage.
He upscaled his part and the people loved him.
Fast forward 10 years and five travels around the world later,
and here we are now.
Yoo-hoo!
Mother!
-[car horn beeps] -Don't get run over.
-Hello, the Momser. -How are you?
-Hello, Momsies. -Hello, bubs.
[Jack] Mother Dearest has joined us
and wanting to end this final trip with a bang,
she's organized an experience
with one of the most famous musical groups in Scotland
at the Royal College of Physicians.
So,
are you ready?
Are you set?
[chuckles]
I think it's a push door, Mother.
[laughs]
-[Hilary] Ta-da! -[Michael] Yes.
Welcome to Edinburgh and to the Royal Edinburgh Military Tattoo.
[Hilary] Thank you so much.
[bagpipe marching music playing]
[Jack] What's the history of the Tattoo?
The Royal Edinburgh Military Tattoo was originally an entertainment show
to bring the military and civilians together
over 70 years ago to give them a bit of a lift.
So, if you are up for it, we'd like to give you some training,
because we've got a performance planned for later on
and we'd like you to take part in that.
-Great. Yes. -So exciting!
This might end up with us getting chased back over the border
[all laugh]
But let's give it a shot.
[bagpipes drone]
Jack, just give it a…
-[note sounds] -Oh!
Right, now there you're off.
What the fuck? How can you play the bagpipes?
-I mean it sounded… -That sounded like the bagpipes.
-Yes, it did. -She actually played the bagpipes.
Let's move on.
[Jack] I'm not sure the bagpipes are really for me.
I've got my eyes on the big-boy drum.
I've always fancied trying a strap-on.
-[Michael] Get it on, Jack. -Oh, yes.
-[man] Are you happy putting that on? -Yeah.
Just roll it until it… Yeah, that's it.
Then get your head underneath.
[man laughs]
No, Mother.
Stop it!
[all chuckle]
[laughter]
These need to be…
[Hilary] Jack.
Voilà.
Okay.
Shall I go join at the end?
[man 2] Bass normally stands in the middle.
-Oh, right. -Michael, we need to…
-Just mind Daddy! -Where? Sorry.
-What are you doing? -It's a big drum.
-I'll go in-between you. -Mind the drum!
I'll go in-between.
[Hilary] He's lethal with that drum.
Try with the bass.
Pipes and drums,
quick march.
Did you actually…? Did you do it?
-Yes. -Or did you stand there?
Of course I didn't.
Did you not hear it?
-No. -Do you want to say something?
[all laugh]
You wanted to talk to Daddy? Fine, sorry.
-[all laugh] -Fire away.
-Did you actually drum? -Yes!
-I did. -Just checking.
-You two done? -Yep.
We've also got
a person at the front called the drum major, who controls the band.
-I'm liking the look of this for him. -One of those…
-Shiny. -[Michael] Yeah.
I'll try one of those.
If we're going up those cobbled streets, Daddy might need both
to get him up them.
To cut the band off,
if you can stick it up in the air…
So I stick it up there like that
and that stops…?
[gruffly] You shall not pass!
[all laugh]
He's actually more Lord Sauron.
In my experience, as soon as you give someone the power the mace has, then…
-[Hilary] They go nuts, go rogue. -Aye, they go straight…
With great power comes great responsibility, Daddy.
-I'm in charge. -Mace goes up.
You need to be prepared to cut off.
If a drummer's gone rogue, that's how you stop them?
Yes, sir.
So get it down, Daddy. Let's practice. Let's go rogue and see.
Yeah, we've got it. Nailed it.
I think we're ready to go.
We don't even know the fucking song yet.
[marching music playing]
[Jack] So, with Michael barking orders as the drum major,
Hilary and I were ready to march down the Royal Mile
with the Royal Military Tattoo
in footage that almost certainly will be utilized by the "Yes" campaign
in Scotland's next independence referendum.
[shouting] Pipe and drums, by the center,
wait for it,
quick
march!
[snare drums roll]
[audience applauds]
-[bagpipes play] -[Hilary] Jack, you're off the beat.
[Jack] I'm on the beat. They must be off it.
[Hilary] Get on the beat!
[mimics Scottish accent] You may take the piss, but you'll never take my freedom!
Hilary, don't do that. It's disrespectful.
I've lost my drumsticks.
-Come on, Mother. We're taking Carlisle! -Jack!
Jack!
-Oh, fuck. -Turn round!
[yells]
Winston, your hat.
Sorry, Winst.
[band stops]
[audience cheers]
[Jack] Wow, I was so into that
I was ready to march across the border and slaughter the English.
One more tune! One more tune!
One more tune!
[Jack] But instead,
we head up to the Edinburgh Castle to take in the breathtaking views
and see out what has been an emotional final trip.
-Quite fresh up here. -Very fresh.
-Do you think? -Yeah.
-That was a good way to go out, though. -Yeah, it was.
They were so good, those piper people, too.
-Yeah. -The pipers and the drums.
-I thought that was a good way to finish. -Yeah.
Sad, but
a good way.
-Sad that it's come to an end? -Yeah.
-I don't think we left anything out there. -No.
I'm going to miss it.
When I'm moaning and complaining,
I think to myself, "What else would you be doing…
-Yeah. -…at 81?"
"You're so bloody lucky."
And I do… I know I'm bloody lucky.
I'm bloody lucky as well.
We've had a great time.
I'm sure we'll do lots of other things together, just no more travels.
-Thank you. -It's been fun.
[emotional music playing]
Pipe down!
-Bagpipes. -I thought you liked the bagpipes now.
Yeah, but without the band, it sounds like a strangled cat.
I've got a great final surprise for you guys.
So, I've arranged for you to get home in a very spectacular fashion.
Very spectacular. You are going to love it.
So,
that's my parting gift to you guys.
Don't. Why?
We're having a lovely moment as a family together
and you two start sucking each other's faces off.
One more
and then no more.
-Ever again, preferably. -Right.
-[Michael] Come on. -[Jack] Just want to take in this moment.
[Hilary] Out of interest, did you go traditional?
[Jack] None of your business. [shouts]
Don't… Get off!
How old are you?
-Eighty-one years old. -Yeah.
-And you think that's funny? -I just wanted to check.
Have you got anything under yours?
[Michael] Me? No, of course not.
[Jack] Had to tuck his bollocks into his sock.
[bagpipes continue playing]
[Jack] Hilary wasn't joking about her surprise.
She's organized an incredible flying experience.
The guys from Biggin Hill have picked us up
in a pair of World War Two Spitfires.
What a way to go.
Well, not go go.
I hope to God these things have been safety checked.
[emotional orchestral music playing]
[Michael] It's always been a childhood dream of mine to fly in one of these.
Pretty incredible, Daddy, right?
It is quite exciting.
Definitely one off the bucket list for me.
Right, shall we see what these bad boys are capable of?
Let's do a loop-the-loop.
Absolutely not.
[Michael groans]
I said no!
[Jack] Oh my God.
[dramatic music playing]
Don't forget to smile, Daddy.
-[Michael groans] -[Jack whoops]
[Jack screams]
[Michael] Oh my God.
[Jack whoops]
[Michael] Oh.
Shit.
[Michael] Turn it off.
Fuck.
I'm going to chunder.
[Jack] Oh my God.
Oh, God.
Did you like that, Daddy?
I'm afraid I'm feeling very sick.
I should have got the train.