[gentle birdsong]
[solo violin playing]
[Jack screams]
[dramatic classical music playing]
[Michael on radio] Oh, fucking hell.
[groans]
Is he alright?
Daddy?!
Daddy!
[Michael] Land this plane immediately.
[classical music playing]
[Jack] It's been a really tough year
for so many people around the world,
and we had some really scary times as a family as well.
But thankfully, things are now looking up.
I've found lockdown really hard.
I'm a free spirit.
Caging
a peacock like this…
It was difficult.
Daddy, though, I think has loved lockdown.
Hilary?
Yes?
Can you bring me a glass of wine, please?
To be honest, I've actually rather enjoyed lockdown
because
I don't have to see people.
And I find, generally speaking,
I'm not that keen on people.
No one's been allowed to hug him,
which is ideal for him,
and it's literally been illegal for him to socialize with Hilary's friends.
[Michael] I haven't really been doing very much during lockdown.
Oh, what a good-looking man I am.
I mean, it's been very challenging, locked in the house together.
I mean, it's been quite hard work.
Move.
She's been waiting on him hand and foot for 14 months.
I'm amazed Michael wasn't arrested for violations of modern slavery.
So, I have taken charge of this final trip,
and in order to get them out of the house,
I am sending them around the UK
to show off our wonderful island.
I won't lie, I had always imagined that our final trip might be to Switzerland,
to one of those clinics.
But I think going around the UK will be a lot jollier than that.
[chuckles]
[classical music playing]
-Hello, how are you? -Hello, Momsies.
Quite statement outfits.
Well, we're going out for lunch with our darling son.
You look like a pair of pimps.
-Oh, charming. -You do!
I feel like I've stepped into a Snoop Dogg video.
So rude.
[Michael] Coming from a boy dressed like a tramp.
[Jack] Our tour kicks off with the greatest challenge of all:
a Whitehall family lunch in public
with foreign food.
[people chattering]
Why have you taken us to a Chinese takeaway?
-It's not a Chinese takeaway. -Yes, it is.
It's not!
It's Gordon Ramsay's Lucky Cat.
He's a Michelin star chef and it's Asian fusion.
It's not a takeaway, obviously. We're eating out.
-This is his restaurant? -[Hilary] It's his restaurant.
You don't seriously think he's going to be here, do you?
I mean, you know what those people do.
They just franchise their name around the place.
What's that place you go with the chicken that…?
-Kentucky Fried Chicken? -Kentucky Fried Chicken.
I mean, have you ever seen Colonel Sanders in there?
Do you expect him to come out
and go, "Yo, ho, ho," with his whiskery beard and everything?
-No, of course not. -It's not the same.
Gordon Ramsay is not like Colonel Sanders.
I literally can see him.
I can literally see him. It is!
There's no fucking way
that he is going to be in his restaurant.
-It's him! -It's not.
He's there! That man in the black.
He's probably a lookalike.
[Jack and Hilary laugh]
Is there anything else you would like with your mains?
Um, I'd like a boiled egg.
-Please. -No.
-A boiled egg? -Yes.
Of course, sir.
Let me double-check with the chef and I'll get back to you.
Why are you looking at me?
Because we've come to Gordon Ramsay's, one of the great--
There's no point me having it, because I won't eat it. I'll leave it.
Sorry, chef, there's a gentleman that asked for a boiled egg.
Oh, fuck off.
Do you think we're the fucking Golden Egg down Old Kent Road?
Ask him if he'd like it poached, fried or fucking scrambled up his ass.
[classical music playing]
I have to say it's absolutely delicious.
Looks like roadkill, that.
Apologies, sir.
Unfortunately, the egg's not going to be possible today.
Oh, right. Okay.
Right, I'm glad we cleared that up.
Let me tell you, the trip I have planned
is fabulous.
You're going to see the best of British.
And the best thing
is that there are going to be no foreigners for you to offend.
Well, unless we go to Scotland.
[Jack and Hilary laugh]
-[waiter] Everything okay? -Delicious, thank you.
-[Jack] Thank you very much. -All done?
If you can just give me one second, sorry.
Absolutely not. Please take it away.
I cannot bear waste.
It's not that type of restaurant. What are you going to keep from there?
-No, it's fine. -You'll keep these?
Hang on. I think I… Could you just pass these over?
No, I want that, I want that!
You'll have a single dumpling later from a dog bag?
-Yes, just pour it in. -[Jack sighs]
It's not a dog bag, either.
Those are the poo bags you use for Philly.
They are specially done for zip-locking.
I'm so sorry.
I think that's enough now.
-No. -Hilary.
-[Jack] You brought Tupperware? -Yes, I did.
Hilary, that is enough.
-[Michael] Stop. -I'm so sorry.
If you pass that over, I can fold that over into the Tupperware.
I will not let you put
half a fish in your handbag.
That's such a waste!
-Thank you very much. -Apologies for my wife.
[Hilary] Oh, it's definitely him.
I'm calling him over.
[sing-song] Gordon!
-Good afternoon. -Gordy.
How are we?
-It's delicious. Loving this. -Very well.
It's been a long time since they've been out the house.
He basically only eats very bland food.
Are you dictating our food's bland?
-[laughing] I didn't mean that. -It came across like that.
I meant, beyond this, we're going to eat bland food. This was a treat.
-I thought it came across like that. -I wasn't…
-I love… It's delicious. -Fucker.
What? It's yummy.
-Sit up straight. -Sorry.
Listen to your betters and elders.
This man, too, is the father of many children.
-This is a fecund man. -Yes.
-[Jack] I beg your pardon? -A fecund man.
It's a good word that, isn't it? It means fertile.
Yes.
-His sister's just had a baby. -I know, congratulations.
But this one, talk about slow out of the blocks.
Let's be honest, you're not ready to be a dad yet.
You can't even take care of yourself, let alone be a responsible father.
You'd end up leaving them in Waitrose when you fuck off for a bottle of wine.
I can just see it, "Oh, shit. The kids."
[Michael] You would.
-Wait till you have a proper job, too. -Yes.
This man has a proper job.
What, TikTok-er?
-[Michael] No. -You little fucker.
-Gordon, thank you so much. -Good luck. Safe travels.
-Thanks very much. -Good to see you.
-What a nice man. -I told you he was charming.
You said he wasn't here.
No, I said he won't be here, but if he was here, he'd be charming.
Such a liar.
Right, who's getting the bill?
Well, I have actually made an arrangement with Gordon.
God.
Is he going to have a sixth child?
It would be a miracle. But don't worry about the bill.
But there is one little, tiny bit of input from you required.
This is a joke.
-Do you want to help? -Yeah, I'm helping.
We're meant to do this together.
What are you doing?
-Nothing. -Those are dirty.
This is unbelievable.
Have you ever grafted with those hands?
Why are you wearing gloves? You're not even washing up.
-To protect myself. -Put some effort into it.
I will, but I don't want to get dry hands.
-Are you serious? -We thought they were clean.
Does that look clean?
Okay, admittedly, there is a little speck of something on there.
-A little speck? -Yes. I'm sorry, okay?
Gordon?
Sorry, chef.
-Gordon? -You've upset him.
It's clean now.
[lively classical music playing]
Once I'd packed and Daddy had watched Mommy pack for him,
it was off on Hilary's magical, mystery UK tour.
To mark our grand depart,
I'd booked something classically British and extra special
to pilot us around the UK.
-Do you feel nostalgic? -No, I don't.
This car is absolutely ridiculous.
[Jack grunts]
-Oh God, you really feel the road. -You do.
You feel every inch of the road.
-Are we going past Buckingham Palace? -[Jack] Boo.
Shame.
[giggles]
Don't you be horrible about the royal family.
#TeamMeghan.
I've brought some classic British snacks for the UK tour.
-Pickled eggs. -[groans]
-I love a pickled egg. -Oh, God.
-I haven't even got them open yet. -Absolutely…
-I hope you're not going to eat one. -I'm going to have one.
-You're not. -I am.
Well, don't put it anywhere near me.
I'm not going to.
Why have we come somewhere
where there's a red light that is on permanently?
Don't worry, it will change soon.
A nice, leisurely drive around the city.
Now it's gone.
-I think you've stalled it. -I have.
-[horn beeps] -I think you've got…
Okay, sorry.
-Where do you start the thing? -Sorry.
Shall I just…?
I'll usher them through.
Sorry.
You've got to get to the biting point.
Technically, your hands should have been at ten to two.
Would you like any back seat driving tips from a guy with no license?
I can still smell that fucking egg in here.
Mm, delicious.
How do you pickle an egg? Do you have any idea?
What we got in here? Vinegar…
-No! You're dropping it all over me! -Sorry, sorry!
You asked me what was in it and I was trying to read the label.
You've got it all over the floor now.
Can I use your coat?
[shouting] No!
You leave my coat alone.
Hey, the Mini was a good idea
but was a tad cozy and also now reeked of pickle juice.
So, we upgraded our wheels.
[jazzy music playing]
For our first stop, Hilary was sending us to Cerne Abbas in Dorset
to take part in the ancient ritual of morris dancing.
[folk music playing]
Morris is a uniquely English folk dance
with history going back at least 500 years.
Some even believe the dance increases fertility,
including one group who perform
on this thousand-year-old chalk figure with a massive club,
the Cerne Abbas Giant.
Hint received, Mother Dearest.
[Michael] You must know that old phrase, don't you?
Which one?
Try everything once in life,
apart from
incest
and morris dancing.
Today, that changes.
The morris dancing bit,
to be clear.
-[folk music playing] -[bells jingling]
These are the Wessex Morris Men, the most fearsome gang in Dorset.
-Bravo. -[man] Oh, hello.
-[man 2] Hello. -Hello, gentlemen.
[man 3] Hello.
How long have you been men of the bell?
Around about 40 years.
I'm quite a new one, actually. Some people have been at it longer.
Maybe I could be the next gen.
-Yes, that's it. -[man 3] Yes, please.
-Your dancing is appalling. -No.
Unlike me.
I had to turn down Strictly Come Dancing…
Oh wow.
…because I felt sorry for my wife.
You know, the curse of Strictly.
You were worried one of the professionals would want to have an affair?
Yeah, would make a play for me and then, you know, I'd get caught up
in a sort of tangled web of sex
and all that.
Where do you do your morris dancing?
Usually, we go to the top of Cerne Abbas, where the giant is and we dance there.
You go there because you're older gentlemen
and if you dance on it, it will help…
-Yes. -I mean…
[Jack] He's had a few issues with that.
I haven't had any issues with that at all.
You're the one that has the problem.
Where are my grandchildren?
My maypole is in good working order, I'll have you know, gentlemen.
[all chuckle]
-Well, shall we get our bells out? -Yes.
Right, time for this eager, young pup
to pick up some moves from these cider-stained old dogs.
I'll just teach you some basic stepping.
So it's just a one, two, three, hop, one, two, three, hop.
One, two, three, hop, one, two, three, hop.
-Can we have some music? -Can you do, um, Cardi B?
-"WAP"? -[melodion player] You what?
"WAP," "Wet Ass Pussy."
-What's he talking about? -[man 4] I don't know.
Something a bit more modern.
Go with a classic.
-"Shepherd's Hey." -Tune.
Tune, lads.
[folk music playing]
Nice and gentle.
-[man] This time. -[man 4] One, two, three, hop.
-One, two, three, hop. -[man 4] One, two, three, hop.
One, two, three, hop. One, two, three, hop.
One, two, three, hop…
Come on, Michael.
One, two, three, hop. One, two, three, hop.
Right.
So, you're going to start off the dance, before you do the stepping,
with just a swagger back.
One, two…
-Oh, swagger. -[man 5] That's right.
[Jack] Oh, I like that.
The thing about morris dancing
is you try to all do the same thing at the same time.
Well, if you want to all watch me.
It's just hips, hips, hips and strike a pose.
That could be your problem with the grandchildren.
[Michael] Yes, I think it could.
I expected it from him. David, I thought better of you.
One, two.
[bells jingle]
Don't like to criticize, but it was back on the right.
Okay, David. Jesus Christ.
Talk about back seat morris driving.
You know what we could chuck in if we're trying to modernize it?
Attract the youth.
-We're not trying to modernize it. -One, two, three.
Kick, and then slut drop.
-No? -[chuckling]
-[man 5] I can see this will be hard. -[man 4] It is, isn't it?
I think if he were serious, he'd be good.
As it was, he was a pain in the ass.
Would you like to come and show him how to do it?
Because I think it's…
Well, I don't think I'm going to be very good.
I think you might be actually better.
It's a one, two, and a… and a caper.
I can see where you get it from.
[laughter]
Some people are natural dancers. They can pick it up very quickly.
Now.
["Shepherd's Hey" playing]
Some, you really have to learn by numbers, almost.
That wasn't right. Start again.
-[Jack laughs] -This is getting worse. Getting worse.
[melodion plays "Shepherd's Hey"]
Back now. One, two, and a caper.
One, two, three, hop, one, two, three, hop.
[Michael hums along]
I think we have some work to do before the fertility performance.
How many weeks have we got to get this right?
You can dance around with a big grin on your face
and wave your hankies,
but it doesn't look like a morris dance
unless everybody's doing it together.
…and a back, two three.
Swagger back.
Oh, grow up.
-I think we'll take a break. -I think we're getting there.
Hit the showers.
Big Mack.
[Jack] Swap shirts?
-Right. -Thank you.
Leave your bells. No tinkling in the showers, lads.
[sighs]
We had gone from morris boys to morris men.
Now, finally, I could don an outfit that would be catnip to the ladies.
My biggest concern about this morris dance is how we'll divvy up the groupies.
By the time we are done with that fertility dance,
there will not be a woman within a mile radius of that hill
that has not fallen pregnant.
I'm ready for action.
Now I've got to round up the rest.
Aka Jim, Rolf,
el Chapo, the Scrumpy Monster,
Shagga, and Shakiel.
My ride or dies.
I do need to have a pee, though, before we get in the car.
Hey, yeah, I'm just coming.
I'm having a pee.
I'll meet you in the car.
Okay, yeah, I'm nearly done.
[bells jingle]
On our way to the performance, a classically British storm had rolled in.
And although the morris lads were not to be deterred by a bout of strong wind,
the windbag had second thoughts.
You going to get out the car?
No, I am not.
-We're doing the dance now. -Yeah, I can see.
But no way am I going out there.
-Why? -It's too bloody windy.
Some supportive father you are.
Sorry about him, guys. What formation are we doing?
Two, two, two? Yeah?
Whoa! Hankies in.
Feel the rhythm, feel the rhyme,
lock up your daughters, it's morris dancing time.
Let's get ready for some hanky-panky.
["Shepherd's Hey" plays]
With Daddy urging us on from the sidelines,
it was time to get spanky with the hanky.
[man 4] Swagger back.
Caper.
Hold on.
[bells jingle]
-[man 4] And back and turn. -[David] Forwards.
Jesus wept.
Oh no, he's lost the hat!
The key is to morris dance like no one's watching,
other than the creepy man in the car.
I know it's hard to tell, as my dancing is so majestic,
but by this point of battling the wind, I had very much gone rogue.
All in.
-[man] Hands up. -[Jack cheers]
And down.
-Lead us off. -[Jack] Nailed it.
We'll follow you.
[Jack] Right, Scrumpy Monster,
where are the afters at?
[gentle guitar music playing]
The pagan ritual had done its job.
And as the fertility squad headed out on the razz,
the sun emerged
and so did Daddy.
So, after all this fuss, are you feeling more fecund?
Yeah, I think so.
Although maybe I need to get a bit more involved
if I want to get its full potential.
[sighs]
[Michael] Oh, God.
I can feel its energy now, Daddy.
Hundreds of years…
…of pagan energy coursing through my veins.
I really think you're going mad.
-I'm a morris man, now. -Yeah.
-I've found my calling. -Mm-hm.
Everywhere I go, they shall whisper my name,
"There he is…
the man of the bell."
-End of the bell, more like. -Daddy.
With the smell of shepherd's hay still strong in our nostrils,
the following day, we headed to rural Kent for the next surprise in Hilary's plans.
I've got to say,
Mommy has pulled it out of the bag.
You're going to absolutely love this.
-Do you know where we're going? -No.
Your hero's house.
-My hero's house? -Yeah.
-Come on. -I have so many.
You absolutely cream your jeans for him.
The GOAT.
I don't wear jeans.
No, I give up. Who? Just tell me.
Winston Churchill.
Amazing.
Could you maybe tell your face?
[classical music playing]
My father will tell you Winston Churchill was the greatest leader that ever lived.
However, to many, he's just the bald bloke who flicked the Vs.
Chartwell was Churchill's family home for 40 years.
Nice gaff.
Though you'd think, in that time, he'd have got around to putting in a hot tub.
-[woman] Hello. -Hey.
Michael, welcome to Chartwell.
-Shall we head to the house? -Yes.
Brilliant, let's go.
Property curator Katherine Carter leads us on a unique tour
so that Daddy can get closer to his idol.
So, this is the drawing room.
So, this was where the Churchill family spent so much time together.
It was decorated by Churchill's wife, so it is typical of her style.
Is that Winnie?
That is Clementine.
That is Winston's wife of more than 50 years.
I thought she was Winnie.
[Jack splutters and laughs]
You thought that Winston Churchill's wife was called Winnie?
Yeah, she was.
Oh no, that was Winnie Mandela.
-Yeah. -That's Winnie Mandela.
What, you think they would have been Winston and Winnie Churchill?
Now you put it like that,
it wouldn't have worked.
-Clemmy. -Clemmy.
So, when did you get into Winston Churchill?
I studied history and had always been interested in the Second World War.
So really, Chartwell is the best possible of both.
-So you know a lot about Churchill? -A little bit, yeah.
Probably more than you.
Churchill's birthday?
30th November 1874.
-Slow out the blocks. -30th November…
Well, it doesn't work if you just say it after you've heard her say it.
What was his middle name?
-Spencer. -Oh! Is it?
-And Leonard. -Yes, and Leonard.
What was Churchill's favorite brand of cigar?
Romeo and Juliets.
Bit slow.
-Okay, let's see some more of the house. -Lovely.
[Michael] Can you behave?
Next on the tour was Churchill's famous study.
This is where Churchill would work through the night
on speeches, articles, correspondences, books.
So this was, for him, the beating heart of Chartwell.
Churchill quiz round two.
-[Michael] No. -What was his catchphrase?
Give me strength.
"We will fight them on the beaches."
-Thought you'd get that. -That is a classic.
Do you dispute that?
-Well, it wasn't a catchphrase. -I think it was.
When Paddy McGuinness goes out, people shout, "No likey, no lighty."
Who's Paddy McGuinness?
Is he a historian?
-No? -No.
He's one of the great broadcasters of our age and you don't know who he is.
-Anything to do with the Guinness family? -No, he's not.
Who was the prime minister before Churchill?
Neville Chamberlain.
Before that, Stanley Baldwin.
Do you want to go back?
-No, you don't. -George Washington?
-Well.
-He wasn't prime minster. -No, he was president.
But he was before Neville Chamberlain.
So, half a point for me.
I do have something special to show you if you'd like to see something extra.
Beyond that door…
Can you imagine? Have a guess.
Bedroom?
-Yeah? -Look how excited he is.
-[Michael] Look. -[Jack] Wow.
This room, we've only been able to open
to very small numbers in the last couple of years,
and so it is left exactly as Winston knew it.
Would my father be able to get into the bed?
I'm afraid not. No, that wouldn't be possible.
See? He's got his father above his bed.
You haven't got a picture of me anywhere in the house,
let alone above your bed.
And then he's got his mother to his right.
Maybe it helped him last longer if he was getting amorous with Winnie.
Clemmy.
[Jack chuckles]
There is one extra set of doors behind me
and I wonder if one of you might like
to have a look inside.
-Go on, mate. Knock yourself out. -It takes a bit of a pull.
-[Michael gasps] -[Jack] What is it?
-A bath. -[Jack gasps]
So, Churchill famously had two, if not three, baths a day.
He would also work from the bath.
So, often, he would have one of his secretaries sat just around the corner,
here on this little chair.
[Jack] Bit #MeToo.
How did he get out of it?
He was quite portly.
I mean, that wouldn't help.
I mean, if I was in that bath, I wouldn't be able to get out without help.
When you get to a certain age,
you see a bath and all you can think of is how you get in and get out of it.
Let's get a picture of you in his bathroom.
Why would I want a picture in his bathroom?
Because this is amazing access that we've got
to your hero's bathroom.
Try and smile. Look happy.
Do you want to do one where you look like you're flushing it?
No, I do not want to lean over and flush it.
Bet he cooked up a few bombing raids there.
[Michael sighs in disgust]
Can you just show a little bit of respect?
We're in the home of a great man, one of the greatest men in history,
and all you're talking about is him cooking up bombs.
Right.
-Thank you very much, Katherine. -No problem at all.
And I apologize for him.
[giggles]
[whispering] Go on, last chance to get in the bed.
We'll do a quick selfie.
-No way. -Why?
-I am not getting in Churchill's bed. -It's Churchill's bed.
-You'd love that. -No.
-Who'd love it? -You would.
I would not. Why would I want to desecrate Winston Churchill's bed?
-You don't have to desecrate. Just get in. -Getting in it would desecrate it.
An amazing visit.
What's this here?
-[Jack] Visitors' book. -Oh, a visitors' book.
-Right. -I don't think it's a book you sign.
-I think it's an exhibit. -No, it's alright.
Daddy, it's an exhibit.
Why would they have a visitors' book underneath an inch of glass
if they wanted you to sign it?
I'll just do my name here.
[whispering] You're ridiculous.
There we are. I'll just put it there.
[Jack chuckles softly]
-[pen clatters] -Oh!
[whispering] Quick, get out.
You've chipped the glass, Daddy.
Right. Okay.
-There we go. -You have sullied the Churchill house.
-It's chipped, Daddy. -Yes, I know. Okay?
Let's get to the car.
You desecrated your hero's visitors' book.
Next time you're planning on vandalizing someone's property, don't leave your name.
Very funny.
[jazzy music playing]
Next, we're off to Devon,
famous for cream teas and being the birthplace of Michael Whitehall.
Although, weirdly, they don't put that on the signs.
Probably just ran out of space.
To get there, we'd be passing one of the UK's most famous sights.
[gasps] Look, Stonehenge!
-Yeah? -Can we go and see it?
-No, of course we can't go and see it. -Why? I've never been to Stonehenge.
-We're just passing it. -I don't want to pass it.
-Pull over. -No.
-We've passed Stonehenge so many times. -Yes, but I've never seen it.
This is one of the most iconic sights in the country
and we're driving past it.
There is nothing to see up close other than a load of rocks.
Slow the car down. I want to get a proper look.
No, I am not.
-I can't… I've never seen it live. -What are you doing?
-No, I want to see Stonehenge. -Shut that sunroof. No.
-We're missing it. -Stop. Come down.
-Ow! Daddy! -Come down!
Daddy!
We've missed Stonehenge.
[groans]
-It's freezing. -I wanted to get a better view.
I've been assaulted by my father.
I think my wrist's broken.
No, it's always been that limp.
Just because you were there when they were erected.
Very funny.
[jazz music playing]
We were headed to Burgh Island.
Since 1929, the art deco hotel has been a renowned escape
for the rich and famous.
But the island is best known for inspiring Agatha Christie
to write novels here whilst resident at the beach house.
How bored do you have to be on holiday to write a novel?
In a dramatic twist,
twice a day, the island is cut off from the mainland by the tide.
[seagulls cry]
-Jack. -Love that salty sea air.
It's quarter to five.
We've got to get that sea tractor, so move.
Yeah, I am moving.
Fish and chips.
-Please can we get fish and chips? -No, we are not--
-I haven't eaten. I'm starving. -We are not getting fish and chips.
-Daddy, please! -No!
We're by the seaside, we have to.
-We're not. Come on. -Why?
We've got a sea tractor to catch.
-At five o'clock. -Yeah.
-See the time now? -What's the time?
[together] Quarter to five.
-More than enough. -Fifteen minutes.
I will be back. I'll meet you down there.
-Take there… -Yes, I've got…
Don't be ridiculous.
-You are a joke. -[groaning] Oh, these bags.
I'll see if they've got a battered sausage or something.
Do not be late.
[serene classical music playing]
[music stops]
[music resumes]
-[Michael] Ah, hello. -[man] Hello. Good evening, sir.
-Could you help me with these bags? -I certainly can.
Can I get the plaice?
And a cod.
And then, like, two portions…
Mmm… How big is a large?
-Are we waiting for anyone else? -Yes.
The imbecile that is my son
who's gone to get fish and chips.
Hopefully, he'll be here in a moment.
Oh, no, that's my hotel keycard. Sorry.
Oh God, where's my wallet?
-Jack, where the fuck are you? -[music grows tense]
Right, let's get this show on the road, okay?
Daddy!
[music reaches dramatic climax]
Don't go, Daddy!
[grunts]
[shouting] Michael Whitehall, come back here now!
Daddy!
[yelps]
Daddy!
[pants]
[Michael] Where have you been?
-Why did you leave? -Where the fuck have you been?
-I was getting fish and chips for us. -Don't be ridiculous.
This is a public ferry. It's not your private yacht.
My fish and chips are ruined. I'm soaking wet.
[Michael] Yeah.
-Have a chip. -No, thank you very much.
Imbecile.
That's what you are.
You know what that means, "imbecile"?
It means missing a ferry so that you can get fish and chips
and then dropping them in the sand.
-I've got another word for you. -Yeah?
Traitor.
-Ridiculous. -That's what you are.
-Leaving… -Don't do that.
-…a man… -Don't do that.
…behind.
Daddy, you've got a chip on your shoulder.
[Michael] Oh, very funny.
[jaunty classical music playing]
We couldn't come to the Agatha Christie island
and not have the full detective experience.
So, Hilary had booked us into an immersive murder mystery evening.
Hotel guests are all pre-allocated characters
to take part in a theatrical show.
I was to be the stable boy and Daddy, the pub landlord.
[mimics Devon dialect] Mikey?
You ready to go up the manor house with all them posh folk?
[mimics French accent] I am ready.
I'm ready to go.
[normal voice] You're meant to be the pub landlord. What is this?
I'm Hercule Proirot.
That's not how this works.
You have to be the character they allocated you or it doesn't work.
[in normal voice] Why would I want to play a pub landlord?
You mean stand there saying,
[gruffly] "Oh, morning, everyone! You want half a bitter?"
and all that?
So, your mother and I decided I would be Poirot.
How much effort you've gone to as well.
-No, I haven't. I just threw this on. -Oh, you threw that on?
I often slip into a false moustache of an evening.
I have to begrudgingly admit it does kind of suit you.
You look like Hitler on holiday.
Let's hear that accent again.
[mimics French accent] My name is Hercule Proirot.
"Proirot"? No.
-Proirot. -Proirot?
-Poiroo. -Poirot.
Poirot, yeah.
Kit's fine, accent needs a bit of work.
Wanting to improve his "Prer-roo" impression,
Daddy took matters into his own hands.
-What are you doing? -I'm calling David.
-David who? -David Suchet, of course.
My friend.
You're not calling David Suchet.
-I am. -He's not going to pick up.
I am calling David Suchet, the real Poirot.
You can't call David Suchet dressed as Poirot.
You barely know the man.
He's going to think you're absolutely bonkers.
He's never going to answer.
Fifty quid he doesn't pick up.
-Hello? -Fuck off.
-Michael Whitehall here. -[laughing] Great to see you.
What are you doing?
-Hey. Hey, David, it's Jack. -Hi.
-[softly] Could you call him Sir David? -Yes.
Don't be so familiar with him.
As you can probably tell, I'm playing Poirot.
I can see that.
I'm having a bit of a problem getting the accent right
and I wondered whether you could give me a bit of help.
You know that Nazi villain in Indiana Jones?
-It was sounding a bit like him. -Yes.
-Shall we work on it a little together? -Yes.
Do you find it difficult, "Poirot"?
"Pwa," "pwa," "pwa," "pwa."
"Ruh," "ruh," "ruh," "ruh."
[speaks French] My name is Hercule Poirot.
[in English] Good. That was very good.
I thought that was much better.
Anything else I can do?
I mean, there's so much I'd like to try and do, but I don't…
You know what I mean, but I…
Yeah, thank you very much. We appreciate your time, Sir David.
-[Michael] So lovely to see you. -Very nice to see you, too.
Nice man.
-Did you notice how friendly he was? -Yes, you're friends with Poirot.
Well done.
[jazz music playing]
We had no option.
Daddy had to engage in a role-playing game with strangers.
I honestly think he'd rather have been poisoned by the butler.
You've sorted these drinks?
-Everyone's served? -Yes, everything's perfect.
-Good evening, vicar. -Good evening.
-Hello, milady. -Good evening, Simon.
In tonight's murder mystery,
all the hotel guests were joining in,
pretending to be characters they'd been allocated.
A company of actors would perform key scenes
and then mingle with the hotel guests, dropping clues as they go.
Everyone's task was to figure out who the murderer was,
which we would find out at the end of the evening.
Leading the scenes tonight were…
Good evening, everyone.
Lady Buffy Manger.
…the lady of the house,
the vicar,
the maid,
the man with a gin and tonic
and, of course, the policeman.
[loud footsteps]
A bit heavy underfoot, that one.
She wouldn't be very good doing Footsteps in the Fog
or one of those murder mysteries.
Like a horse coming in.
Clomping in here, no?
I think that vicar's very dodgy.
The one over there.
I'm pretty sure he's wearing a wig.
And I would never trust a man with a wig.
You're telling me that in a false moustache.
Also, he's not a real vicar.
-Isn't he? -No, they're actors.
Oh, I see.
You haven't really understood the concept of this.
-[Michael] That's straight vodka. -[Jack snickers]
-It is. -[Jack] He's a drunk, creepy vicar.
Maybe that's why he commits his horrific crimes.
[Jack snickers]
Or sex.
Definitely. Sex murderer.
I smelled that vodka on his breath when he came at me in the stables.
[Jack chuckles]
At the moment, he's…
-[Jack] Prime suspect. -He would be my prime suspect.
The idea of immersive theater was lost on Daddy,
who only seemed immersed in his own confusion.
Perhaps a spot of backstory would help.
Welcome to my beautiful home.
We're here tonight to talk about our dear old friend, Rose Dimper.
[softly] Who the fuck is Rose Dimples?
[mumbling] Shut up. She's speaking.
We learn that a local resident has passed away
and left all her money to the villagers.
Sorry to have to interrupt you, Mrs. Buffy.
Your husband…
He's dead.
[audience gasps]
We then learn Buffy's husband had huge debts and a secret child.
So the hunt for the killer was on.
That vicar has definitely got the hots for the lady of the house.
Mark my words.
I must ask none of you to leave the island.
[Michael] Right, let's get this over with.
[mimics French accent] Constable, there is no need for any of this.
That is the man you want.
The randy vicar!
[laughs]
Slightly jumped the gun there on the denouement.
-We haven't had any of the clues yet. -Oh, right, sorry.
It's fine, carry on. As you were. Sorry.
While Poirot worked on another theory, it was the stable boy's time to shine.
-Simon, can I talk to you? -Oh, yeah.
-You know who I blame, don't you? -Yes?
Harry the gardener.
He was the one who put the nail in the chair.
I mean, I asked him to, but…
I didn't ask him to stick it out, did I?
No, no, you didn't.
Maybe I should look for a new gardener.
Okay, I'll leave you to it. I'm still in shock at the moment.
Yeah.
I think some people are going to get arrested for over-acting.
I think, if that's a crime, you're going away for life.
I think I'm in there with the lady.
Oh, Jack, she's a widow.
A WILF.
What's a WILF?
A WILF.
A widow I'd like--
Ladies and gentlemen. Dinner is served in the dining room.
[jazz music playing]
I have a new suspect.
He sounded Russian to me, that bloke.
That's the man that checked us in. He actually works at the hotel.
[softly] Probably slipped him some polonium.
-Hello. -Hello.
Daddy was still on the case.
The case of finding out how pissed you can get
in the course of a murder mystery.
[people chattering]
Oh God!
I think the great Hercule Poirot may have got that one wrong.
What are you doing?
-What are you doing? -I'm just checking.
-He's dead. -He is dead.
The vicar is dead,
your prime suspect.
Yes. Oh…
Disappointing.
Poor vicar. Oh, look. He's left his Bible.
-Oh, my goodness! -Oh God.
-Cecil! -[Michael groans]
-Madam Faff. -[Lady Buffy] Oh, PC Bailey, quick! Quick!
I'm starting to think we should have been concentrating harder on the clues.
-I think we can rule out the vicar. -Yeah.
Well, I changed my mind about him.
-Oh, had you? -Yeah.
-What, when you saw him dead in his salad? -Yeah, I mean, obviously…
Nobody leaves the island until I solve this.
Poor vicar.
I picked up his Bible.
I thought we could maybe
read some passages later in our room.
Do you think when he stands up--
-It's not actually a Bible. -What is it?
It's Alan Sugar's autobiography.
-Bear the thought… -The plot thickens.
Probably topped himself reading it.
Whilst we tucked into our main course, the suspects were working the room.
-Hello, Simon. -Oh, hello.
-Good evening, sir. -Good evening.
-Oh, I do like your moustache. -Oh, thank you.
-Charming. -Can I take your plate for you?
Yes. Thank you very much.
Yes, Simon,
I think I do know who it is.
It's Buffy, you know?
Yes, she's having an affair.
-No! -No…
I've seen Gino coming down the back stairs late at night, you know?
What, he had her up the back stairs?
In her bedroom, yes.
Anyway, I think I've said too much now. I'd better go.
I think you've said too much.
All guests had noted down their prime suspect,
and it was time to find out who had got it right.
[PC Bailey] Kate, over here.
[Jack] Oh, po-po.
Denouement, denouement!
From the clues that I've seen,
I believe I know who the murderer is.
Buffy Manger
didn't love her husband as much as we thought she did.
In fact,
she's been having an affair with Gino.
And she was putting it on me.
And she was putting it on him.
All over me like a rash.
But I still don't think she's the murderer.
The person I believe it is
is Kate.
No!
Whatever gave you that idea?
Oh my God.
Because you were the only one
with a key to the trophy cabinet that had the poison in it.
Oh! Boom!
With that plot twist, the mystery was wrapped up.
No one could piss on this parade.
-Where are you off to, Poirot? -What?
[mimics French accent] The great Poirot
has the answer to this.
He's had too much champagne.
You are an oaf.
It is quite clear this woman is plainly innocent.
The woman that you need to find is this woman here!
-Oh no, you've got it wrong! -The great Poirot knows.
-Do you have any evidence? -Do I need evidence? It is all here.
No, you definitely need evidence.
The policeman has provided evidence that it was the maid,
so it was the maid what done it.
-This man is an oaf. -Okay, right.
That's not how these work.
The maid did it.
It was me. Yes. And there's no way you're going to take me to prison.
-I'm out of here now! -[Michael] Take this woman!
-No! -Take this woman!
The great Poirot knew all along.
I needed to get that out of her.
And she did it in the end. She panicked and admitted it.
-I knew it. All along. -Right.
Poirot's having a bit of a shocker at the office today, isn't he?
All great sleuths have their off days.
Today was such a day.
[laughs]
[Jack] This is the best murder mystery ever.
[dramatic classical music playing]
For the next leg of our journey,
Hilary was sending us to the Whitehall family's ancestral seat:
Wales.
A place known for its ragged coastlines, beautiful mountains,
and where people are outnumbered by sheep 3-1.
We could still take them.
Do you want a Flump?
No, thank you.
How long is this drive? Six hours?
Um.
-No, I don't think it's as long as that. -I think it is.
-Do you? -Yeah.
With your granny driving, probably six hours.
I'm gonna try and sleep.
What the fuck is that?
You're like the Elephant Man!
[chuckles] It's my travel pillow.
You can sleep anywhere. You can sleep to the side.
You can sleep everywhere.
So, you're going through one of the most beautiful parts of the country,
and you can't see anything
because you've got some stupid Elephant Man hat on.
It's not an Elephant Man hat.
It's my ostrich head sleeping pillow.
And I cannot sleep in a car now without it.
[Michael] It looks like a gray bollock.
-Shall I put on some music? -Don't put on music.
No? I've got some good tunes, mate.
I've loaded something up there for you to play.
What?
Because this trip's about our family and our heritage, and all that.
I thought you'd enjoy it.
No, let's get some club classics.
-No, just put this on. -What, here?
Yeah.
This?
[Michael on stereo] Chapter One: Keeping Up Appearances.
-Are you joking? -Around the time Adolf Hitler--
-What do you mean, joking? -This is your audiobook.
Yeah.
You have loaded up the audiobook
to your own autobiography for us to listen to.
Yes, so you can listen about your family and your heritage and life.
-Do you have any idea how weird that is? -Yeah.
-Sure. -You're literally listening to yourself.
Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I was reading it…
But I thought you'd enjoy it. I mean, what else are you gonna do?
-At least it'll help me go to sleep. -Shh!
…traveling around the country as a gas instructor in the RAF.
-No one pictured him… -Can you turn yourself down?
Both versions of you.
…as a pilot with a fur-lined flying jacket.
-Stereo Michael Whitehall. -…dark silk cravat.
This could break a terrorist.
It was against…
[serene classical music playing]
It was about a Spanish film.
Rose Tobias Shaw
was an American casting director with a rather flaky reputation.
-"No, I haven't, but it'll be fine." -What the fuck?
-Daddy! -What?
-Why have you done that? -I didn't want you to miss this bit.
It's with Judy Dench.
-What? -She's so funny.
Judy Dench stuck her head round the corner.
"Did you know there's a wedding reception going on in there, Michael?"
she said and disappeared.
[chuckles]
The trouble with St. John's Church, William,
was that it wasn't in William.
There was a church in William, but it wasn't St. John's…
[Jack] After that historical journey, we arrived at Palé Hall Hotel,
at the foothills of Mount Snowdon.
We were meeting Hilary
to celebrate the fact that today is my parents' 35th wedding anniversary.
[Jack] This looks nice.
[Michael] Very nice.
We've got a big one tonight, your mother and I.
Do you realize that?
-The anniversary? -Yeah.
-It's-- -Thirty-five years?
-Yeah. It's a big one. -Amazing.
If you see my hat outside the door of the room, then you'll know…
we're in action.
Might see if this hotel has any outhouses I can stay in.
I hope you've packed plenty of earplugs, too,
if you know what your mother's like when she gets going.
I might not even be checking into this hotel at this rate.
-Don't worry if-- -Wow.
-If you hear screaming-- -Shut up. Look!
-[Jack] Isn't this beautiful? -Very nice.
Why would anyone want to build a house like that in Wales?
[Jack] Can you behave, please?
No comments like that when we get out of this car.
Mr. Whitehall?
-That's me. Hello, how are you? -How are you? How was your journey?
-Very well. Very good. -Welcome to Palé Hall.
-Hey, how are you, mate? -Very good.
Have you got a beautiful young lady in here waiting for me?
-I'm sure we do. -[Jack] Beautiful young lady?
Please don't talk about my mother like that.
-Beautiful, young… Well-built, buxom… -[Jack] Stop!
-[Jack, sing-song] Hello! -[Hilary] Hello, hello, hello!
-Hello. -Lovely to see you, Momsies.
-Would you like to kiss Winston? -No, I wouldn't.
-Hello, Winston. -Say hello, Winston.
Hello, bubs.
-You look lovely. -Thank you.
Happy anniversary!
-Yes! -[Hilary] How's it been?
-Thirty-five years. -Long.
-Not as long as 35 years. -Not as long as 35 years. Indeed.
-[Hilary] So… -[Michael] Lovely.
The reason I've booked this beautiful five-star hotel
is because you're going to be here tonight having dinner, etc.
-Our wedding anniversary. -It is our wedding anniversary.
But I'm afraid there's a little bit of a twist this year,
as there's an exciting camping experience I'd like Jack and I to do.
And as I always took you kids camping,
I thought we could recreate a bit of that together on our last trip.
We're camping and he'll stay in the 5-star hotel?
-Yeah. -I think that's a pretty good setup.
Happy about that?
No.
Cockblock.
The only thing is you're not going to be alone, though,
because…
I don't think Winston should come camping.
The other thing I should just point out,
Michael…
I know you weren't allowed to get into Winston Churchill's bed/bath at Chartwell.
The big news is that Winston Churchill stayed here.
There is a Winston Churchill suite.
Really?
So, we're going round the country,
so that I can get into baths and beds
that have previously been occupied by Winston Churchill.
-Is that it? -That's the thought.
Fine, okay. Well, I'm going to celebrate my wedding anniversary on my own…
-No! -…with a doll…
-That sounds worse. -…in Winston Churchill's bed.
Don't tell anyone in the hotel
that you'll be celebrating your wedding anniversary
in bed with a doll.
-They might get the wrong idea… -No, I won't.
…or possibly the right one.
[airy classical music playing]
We head to the island of Anglesey,
where Mommy reveals to me that we're not just going camping,
but cliff camping,
where you sleep off the side of a cliff.
-Nah, not for me, this one. -[dramatic music playing]
Mommy and I will be spending the night high above the water and the rocks,
directly against the cliff face,
on that, a rickety stretcher dangling from a piece of string.
So, I think it's just up here.
Aha!
-Hello! -Hello!
-Hey. -I'm Sam.
-Hey, Sam. -I'm Hilary.
-Do you know what we're doing? -It looks quite terrifying.
With the evening fast approaching,
it's time to get on our equipment and literally throw ourselves off a cliff.
[Jack] Oh God. It really is a cliff.
[pants]
-Why don't you just bring that up here? -[Sam laughs]
I've got down to this bit and I'll lower my ass,
and you just place it on my ass.
Then we're good to go.
-[Sam] That's it, Jack. -[grunts]
Oh, fuck.
Oh, what's that creaking?
Shut up, Hilary.
There's no creaking, Mother.
With me safely in position,
it was Hilary's turn to gracefully descend.
-I've got to get over here, haven't I? -[Sam] Yeah, that's it.
My mother, in a tightly-packed harness, being winched on top of me.
Just cut my rope now!
Oh my God. I definitely should have gone second.
Jack!
Please don't make me laugh. I go all weak when I…
I can't look down and I can't look up.
-[Sam] Hilary, keep yourself on-- -[Hilary] This side?
-[Sam] Yeah. -Step over this one.
-Yeah, alright. -No, you're behind it, Mommy.
-I know I am. -You're too low.
-Get over there. -Don't make me laugh.
Put your weight on there, Hilary.
-I'm sorry. -Lower.
Lower.
-Okay? -I've got hysterical, sorry.
[Jack] No…
-[Sam] Why don't you turn around? -[Hilary] Oh, yes, I will.
Maybe one at a time. Slow, steady movements.
Right, I'm definitely going first this time…
Went first… Why are you going first?
I'm just getting it over and done with.
Ooh, fucking hell. Please don't do that.
-[yells] Oh, fuck. -Jack, what are you doing?
I'm trying to get round.
How's it going there, Jack?
-Yeah. -Yeah? Good?
-I mean, the view is spectacular. -I'm really not that into this.
I'm loving this, Jack.
Where's your spirit of adventure?
I left it at the top of the cliff.
You're sounding, can I just say,
like the son of your father.
-[waiter] Mr. Whitehall, how are we? -Very well, thank you.
-Can I pour your tea for you? -Thank you.
-And would he like some? -Definitely.
You'd like tea, wouldn't you, Winston,
with Daddy?
-[serene piano music] -[waves breaking]
[seagull cries]
[Hilary] So, the final adventure.
[Jack] It might be if we never make it off this platform.
I don't mean this moment. I mean the whole journey with your dad.
How's it been?
-Yeah, it's been lovely. -Yeah?
It's been very nice to be back on the road with him.
I didn't think we'd be back on the road again,
but I'm very thankful
that we are back,
traveling together.
Obviously, it's been a very, very weird year.
-It was also scary. -It was scary.
Scary not seeing you and also just not knowing…
Yeah.
With Molly being pregnant as well and all of that going on at the same time…
Like, the relief when she gave birth
and she sent me those pictures of you and Daddy with Peggy,
[voice breaks] and I was just so thankful and so happy,
and seeing Daddy holding her…
-I know. -And I was, like…
I was so happy that we got to that moment
and he got through it, and you got through it,
and you were with your granddaughter and seeing how happy you both were…
It was just, like… Just a relief.
I shall never take it for granted,
getting to hang out with you and Daddy,
even if it is over a cliff.
You know, we've had time to think during the last year
and we've had a major decision.
-I'm sure your father has told you. -No.
This is so classic of your father.
I gave him one job to do.
-You're putting Winston up for adoption? -No.
-Because I would be fully supportive. -I know you would be.
-I'd drive him to the orphanage. -[sighs]
There may be a bit of mileage being put between you and Winston
because your father and I have decided we're going to move out of London.
-You're moving out of London? -Yeah.
-Nah. -Yeah.
Because you now are settled with your girlfriend,
Molly and Toby have had Peggy, so we're now grandparents,
and we just feel that we need to change it up a bit.
I can't believe Daddy didn't tell you all this.
-No. -He hasn't mentioned it at all?
No, he's mainly been making dodgy comments about the Welsh.
[whispering] Fuck!
You've got Daddy over a barrel here, Winston, and you know it.
What I have done, though, Jack, to celebrate this moment,
is I've prepared some supper.
-[Sam] Here it comes. You ready? -Yep! Thank you very, very much.
Just remember, anything you drop is probably not coming back.
Yeah, got it.
[Sam] What have you got?
I've got some Chinese from Gordon Ramsay's restaurant, the Lucky Cat.
-Yeah. -Are you joking?
-Yeah, no, I have. -From a week ago?
-Here, look. -I'm not eating that!
-Look. -What, all that stuff?
-It's lovely, look. -[coughs]
[retches]
That's disgusting.
I'm not having some old flabby gyoza that's been in the fridge for a week.
Just try one.
-Just try it. -It's all cold and flabby.
It looks like one of Daddy's testicles.
-That is so mean! -What?
-On the food or his testicles? -Daddy's testicles. It's so mean.
What the fuck is that?
-Do you remember that lovely fish you did? -The road-killed fish?
-You've brought it with you to Wales? -Yep.
-Look. -It's a week old. Fuck!
[retches]
I'm actually gagging.
-You're a monster. -That's a bit fruity, even for me.
[Jack] I think I'm about to chunder onto a puffin.
It's time for me to take control of this final trip.
We need to do some things we'll regret, whether Daddy likes it or not.
Please, no, Max! [yelps]
[man] Let go of…
Jack, can you just fuck off? Because you're just causing havoc.
Do you want a little cuddle?
Ooh!
-No! Move it away! -Ow, Daddy!
Look, fuck off!
You're a cheat.
-I'm not a cheat. -You are, you're a cheat!