[Nomi] Previously on Black Monday...
[Larry] Okay, I admit it! We left him for dead!
[Mo] To Ms. Nomi Maldana,
our latest signing to KokoMo Co Records.
And your fiancé.
-We're getting hitched, y'all! -Yeah.
Maybe Nomi and I are in different stages of our life.
Better to know the day before than the day after.
[Arnie] I wanna give you total control of your own label.
Sign anybody you want. Starting with Nomi, of course.
I don't wanna lead you on, unless maybe it's onto a bed.
Play your cards right and you can nab the VP slot
for the next presidential campaign.
[chuckles]
Did we?
Cartwheel 69? [chuckles]
You wish.
[Dawn] Damn. Jammer's cabin is pretty sweet.
I was at Home Alone, the movie.
I was at a test screening for the movie Home Alone.
The fuck are you doing, Larry?
Why are you sitting in the elevator
when you should be at your office?
[all screaming]
If he didn't make it back to his office,
he didn't sign the papers.
[Tiff] There is a Tiff Drag Night tonight.
[gunshot]
[all screaming]
[bird chirping]
[kid 1] What the fuck is that?
[kid 2] It looks like a bag of uncased sausage.
suspenseful ambient music
-Holy shit, that's a dead body. -[groaning]
-No, it's--it's alive. -[screaming]
[knock at door]
Hey-o!
Bring in those bodies 'cause it's time to partys.
I said the S on the end to keep the plural thing going.
Okay. Who is ready to have some good, clean fun?
And by good, clean fun, I mean some of the purest cocaine
your schnozzes have ever shnorted.
Ooh, what's that drinking game we used to play?
-Quarters? -Quarters.
Where we'd see how much we could drink
after we smoked a quarter ounce of weed?
Let's do that. Heads up!
Oh.
I thought you were gonna catch that.
I'm sorry, I just-- I don't think either of us
is really in the mood, Mo.
What the fuck? Come on, guys. Are you kidding me?
This is my bachelor party. And tomorrow's the wedding.
And New Year's Eve. That's like a fun-fecta.
Yeah, and also Tiff is dead.
[sighs] Yeah, right.
I'm--I'm sorry, Blair.
But listen, don't you think
Tiff would want us to have some fun, though?
This year has been very sobering.
And I don't mean sobering sobering.
And now I'm about to get everything I've ever wanted.
Well, that seems like a good reason
to celebrate, huh, big guy?
I was just pausing for dramatic effect.
The end of that sentence is: but what does it matter?
Because my wife and the love of my life,
-two different people... -Of course.
-Are dead. -Yeah.
And Larry's dead, which I wouldn't feel either way about
except it fucked my whole plan for LA.
No, no, no, you guys aren't gonna suck me into this.
You need to compartmentalize that shit, okay?
It's fun time! We're gonna have fun!
Guys, you don't see me moping around
just because I lost my label,
which was the most professionally fulfilled
I've ever been in my entire life.
That's true.
[sighs] And arguably took my entire life to build.
Oh, God damn it.
-[door slams open] -[screams]
[laughs] Merry triple Xmas.
Let's get Mo some
hos, hos, ho--
Wow.
I was gonna say who died,
but that would be in poor taste.
So instead I just--
-Said it anyway? -Mm.
And whose Rolls-Royce is that?
Oh. That Rolls is mine.
[laughs]
Y'all remember how we found Lenny all chopped up to pieces
before he could sign the papers to give Mo his label back?
You mean the most traumatic thing we've all experienced.
Yeah, you mean when I had a fucking dead dick in my hand?
Exposition, exposition.
Well, that was also before he could sign the papers
that would reverse the last birthday gift he gave me,
namely his name.
He had his parents posthumously adopt me.
So you got parents now. Congrats.
I really don't care, Keith.
You're always into some freaky shit.
So I am the only living Leighman brother left,
which means I inherited The Whole Enchilada,
which is their Mexican fast-food chain,
and also
the Leighman Brothers entire operation.
-Oh, my God. -Holy shit.
And my first act as acting president and CEO is--
To give me my label back.
And give me my freedom so I can start a label in LA?
-Yes and yes. -[both cheer]
[Keith] Along with giving myself
whatever the fuck I want. And my kids too.
I actually rented out FAO Schwarz
for an entire weekend.
I didn't even know you could do that.
And Shira?
-She forgave me. -Who cares?
Well, I wouldn't start ski poling each other just yet.
Ski poling?
It's like when you're sitting in between two guys
and you take their dicks and then you just go.
-[grunts rhythmically] -Oh.
[exhales] Was that on the table?
Need I remind you that none of this is going to matter
because someone is trying to kill us?
Well, not to be a dick,
but, uh... [chuckles]
I think they're primarily trying to kill you.
No. Wayne's limo could have been for all of us.
And what about Larry? I mean, you got to admit,
it seems like somebody is trying to kill anyone
who is close to the Jammer Group.
-Or anyone who's close to you. -[Blair] Of course.
You ruined my life.
Why would you care if someone took it?
Thanks for understanding, Blair.
Okay, who is up for that drinking game?
-Ooh, better yet. -Uh...
Anybody interested in a sniffing game?
-Let's do it. -[Mo] Sniffing game!
[Dawn] Okay, listen.
To be honest, it's not just Mo who ruined your life.
We all are responsible for you being in this situation.
And I, for one, am sorry.
I wanna help get you out of it.
-Thank you, Dawn. -[chuckles]
[chuckles, smooches]
[Mo] Okay, fine.
I mean, I guess we all do owe you
or whatever the fuck, all right?
You know, even though it's my bachelor party,
let's put all of our heads together
and try to catch whoever the fuck it is
who's trying to take Blair out.
[exhales happily]
In the form of a drinking game.
-Ha-ha! -Yes!
-Okay. -Oh, we're gonna get fucked up.
If it's about me, I'll play.
[doctor sighs] It was a vicious attack.
[monitor beeping]
He'll still require extensive surgery
to repair his vocal chords,
what's left of his penis, scrotum, anus.
-But... -[sighs]
It's a Christmas miracle he's still alive.
That was no miracle. You saved this man's life.
A 44-hour operation,
anyone else would have given up, but you?
I took an oath, Gene. I never give up on a patient.
soft dramatic music
[Mo] Okay, the secret to a perfect sting
is paying attention to--
Wait. Who are we even stinging?
We don't know who the killer is.
Yeah, all we know is that he--
-Or she. -Really?
I'm just saying, we won't know we're equal
until people are as terrified of women as men.
First of all, questioning the master of ceremonies
-is a drink. -Oh!
Okay. What are the rules?
Uh-oh.
Ask me a question, Blair. Naughty, naughty. Drink.
Yeah, yeah.
So what? Just everything is a drink?
[gasps] Keith is catching on.
You know what that means? Drink.
[Dawn] Drink.
Guys, you're overthinking it. All we need to do
is get all of us together in one place,
and we wait for the killer to make his or her move
and then--[yells] catch him in the act.
-Of killing one of us? -Yeah.
I mean, preferably before that.
Okay, so it's a trap and we're the bait.
I like to refer to it as a non-sexual honeypot.
Everything's a fucking honeypot.
-Okay, but where do we do it? -Mo's wedding tomorrow.
-It's perfect. -[chuckles] Hang on a second.
Oh, my gosh, yeah, we'll all be together.
Yeah, you're right, great idea.
-No, no, wait-- -[Dawn] Oh, my God, yes.
And the killer will know exactly where it is
since you blasted your business all over The New York Times
like a couple of yuppie shitheads.
I happen to think the picture of Nomi and I
riding sidesaddle is cute.
Ugh.
And I can get the FBI to stake it out
because I'm gonna be the next vice president.
Guys, I-I don't know
if I'm into turning my wedding into a fucking--
Oh, Mo, this was such a good idea.
I feel better already.
-It wasn't my idea to do-- -Top-notch work.
Okay, fine. Fuck it. We'll do it at the wedding.
As long as we call it a non-sexual honeypot.
Fine. Do you think that you will be able to get Nomi
on board with a non-sexual honeypot?
[coughs and laughs] Get Nomi on board? This one.
What are you talking about?
Look, I know who wears the pants in the family,
and she better know who wears the pants in the family.
We're not gonna start off on some pussyfoot,
if you know what I mean.
I'm not gonna tell Nomi.
-Bitch-ass. -Yeah, smart.
You know, Dawn says she's a real twat.
I think this could really work.
I'm gonna call Werner and get him on the FBI.
Well, dammit, I can't get a signal.
-Pull up that little antenna. -That way.
-Mm-mm. -No.
Try out back by the road.
All right. Thanks, guys.
-[Mo] Problem solved. -I'll be right back.
Okay, c'mon.
Who wants some pills and coke and cough syrup?
Pills and coke and cough syrup
-I love pills. -Me too.
-Not to be a buzz kill... -And yet you are.
Except that is your entire reason for being on the planet.
But if you think putting us all in one place
will tempt the killer into making a move,
aren't we all in one place right now?
Specifically one spooky, secluded cabin
in the middle of the fucking woods?
tense music
Just make a point.
Wait, uh... He's right, Mo.
I mean, we are kinda like sitting ducks.
Take it from me.
If someone wants to kill us, the woods are a perfect place.
Jesus Christ. You guys, calm down.
There's nothing to be afraid of.
-[thunder cracks] -[all scream]
Okay, okay.
Listen, I am not personally afraid.
And I don't think anything is gonna happen.
That being said, maybe we just take some precautions
and, you know, fortify the crib
just for you guys, for you guys.
And I-I-I, too, am not afraid.
But it's your party, Mo, so whatever you say goes.
And for those who are afraid like Keith...
-Yeah, Keith. -Well, it makes perfect sense.
I'm probably the least scared of anyone, if we're comparing,
but maybe it could be fun to see
how safe we could actually make this place.
-Yeah, right? -[thunder cracks]
-[all scream] -Oh, God!
-Everybody grab a weapon! -[Dawn] Oh, God!
We're all gonna die! Hit the floor!
[doctor] Okay now tell us the next letter.
[patient groans]
[grunts]
[doctor] E.
sparse ominous music
[marker squeaks]
He's just confused from the trauma.
John Doe here will tell us his name
when he's good and ready.
[panting] Okay.
I got two cans of paint and a tub of tar!
I got a bunch of ugly-ass Christmas ornaments
and a hand torch.
Nails, toy cars for some reason.
Why don't you have any fucking weapons?
Oh, I'm sorry, Keith, I keep
-my weapons in New York City. -Oh, my God.
You know, the most dangerous fucking city in the world.
-I don't wanna die. -Okay. All right.
I just got generational wealth.
You're not gonna fucking die tonight.
-All right, guys. Okay, guys. -Will you calm down?
Well, then how are we gonna defend ourselves
-with this shit-- -Guys!
Jesus. I got an idea.
[disconnection chime droning]
[thunder cracks]
[whispering] Oh. Come on, come on, come on,
come on, come on, come on,
come on.
[line trilling]
-[Werner] Hello. -Werner. Yes.
I think I finally figured out how to catch my killer.
-[Werner] Who is this? -Blair.
-[Werner] Blair who? -Pfaff.
How many Blairs do you know
have people trying to kill them?
Blair Regan Bogan, my ex-girlfriend.
She slept with my step-brother and I want her dead.
And you thought I was her?
She has a very deep, gay voice.
Look, I need you to call the FBI
and get them to stake out Mo's wedding tomorrow.
I have a very good feeling my killer is gonna be there.
Well, I mean, technically it's a bad feeling,
but either way, we can put the thing to bed.
Question.
What makes you think the FBI wants to do shit for you?
Mm, I don't know, maybe because I'm going to be
the next vice president of the United States.
[Werner, scoffing] No, you're not.
You're done, Blair.
[ornament shatters]
[sighs]
So you're ready?
Oh, yeah.
Think we're gonna be able to take him.
Or her.
Well, thanks for being an ally,
but I meant, you know, to get married.
Assuming we survive tonight.
Yeah, yeah. I think so.
I mean, I'm not in my 40s anymore,
is something I'm gonna be saying in 11 short years.
[laughter]
Oh. She's lucky.
-Bitch. -[laughter]
Yeah. I'm just shocked.
That you're tying the knot? I think we all are.
No, no. I'm...
I'm shocked it's not you.
soft music
Yeah.
-[thunder booms] -We should, uh--
Yeah, it's finished.
-[Dawn] Okay. -Okay, careful.
-Okay. -[Mo] Watch the glass.
-Surprise, surprise. -[giggling]
I did everything the RNC asked me to do.
How can they drop me after everything I've been through?
[Werner] Yeah, that's why they're dropping you.
'Cause people around you are dropping like flies
at a free urology clinic.
All these deaths have a tipping point.
No president wants a VP with such liability.
Bush has enough liability
with his cocaine-addicted dumbfuck son.
[Blair] You know what? Good.
I don't want that job. Politics suck shit.
It's just a bunch of losers
who couldn't get laid in high school
punishing everyone who did.
I wanna do something important and good
with my life from now on, for real.
But in the meantime, that said,
the least you could do is call the FBI
and have them do this for me tomorrow.
-[Werner] No, I can't. -Why?
Because I don't work for the RNC anymore.
My internship is done. I'm back at college.
Okay? There's literally nothing I could do.
[Blair] Wait. You never actually worked for the RNC?
Well, technically I got credit towards my Poli Sci minor but--
Minor? What was your major?
[Werner] Physical Education.
I also host a comedy night at the union once a month,
which you would know had you asked me
one question about myself literally ever.
-Well, that was intentional. -[Werner] You know what?
Even if I could call the FBI, I wouldn't
'cause you deserve to die, you selfish prick.
Hey, but look me up if you're ever in Bloomington
-looking for a laugh. -[phone clacks shut]
-Werner! -[thunder cracks]
Happy Valentine's Day.
I got all of your favorites here.
The Times, the Journal. Rob Report.
And your oatmeal is just the way you like it.
Half steel-cut, half instant.
-Mixie-dixie. -[patient groans happily]
All right, here comes the airplane.
dramatic music
-[doctor] C'mon, you gotta eat. -[patient groaning angrily]
Hey!
I'm not giving up, so neither can you.
I know rehab can be frustrating,
but we're in this together.
You and me...
John Doe.
[patient whimpering]
[thunder rumbling]
[thunder cracks]
quirky dramatic music
[groans] What the fuck?
Is that tar?
What the fuck is going on?
-[hand sizzles] -[Yassir screams]
[door creaks]
I couldn't stay away.
I've been thinking about you all night, and...
maybe there's something I can do to
make you more comfortable.
[patient groans]
Do you trust me, John?
Uh-huh.
[patient groans]
I know.
It looks worse than it is.
But with the groundbreaking graft work we've done,
it should still be possible for you to...
experience pleasure.
Would you like me to show you?
Uh-huh.
[moaning]
Oh, my God. The killer is here, isn't she?
It's not a fucking girl. Stop saying that.
Then who was just screaming like that?
Why would a killer scream?
Then who was screaming?
It was probably Blair.
-Oh, my God. -Oh, God.
Blair is dead, isn't he?
-Oh, no. -[gasps] Oh, I'm scared, Mo.
[shushing] It's okay. No, really, shh, shh.
-[window thuds] -No really--[shushing]
[grunts]
Oh, Jesus. Ugh.
-[ornaments crackle] -[angrily] Oh, my God!
-Yassir? -Oh, my God.
What the hell are you doing here, man?
I was going to your fucking bachelor party!
Dude, you're fucking up all of our booby traps.
Why do you have booby traps?
'Cause whoever's trying to kill Blair and us
is potentially out there.
Oh, my God, of course. This is where they do it.
[all screaming]
[groans]
-Oh, shit. -[Dawn] Oh, shit.
-Motherfucker. -Blair! You're alive!
I'm alive!
I'm sorry. I heard screaming.
I thought you guys were getting killed.
That was me. I have glass in my feet.
I can honestly say
this is the most pain I've ever been in in my entire life.
[all groan]
-Spoke too soon. -Okay.
[humorless chuckle]
How many paint cans are there?
-Uh. -Uh...
-Three. -Three. Okay.
So one, there's two, and then there's--
[Mo] Oh, no!
[all exclaiming]
Three.
You fuckers are crafty.
[Mo] You kinda brought that one on yourself
with the whole countdown thing.
[chuckles] I'm sorry I laughed.
I shouldn't have laughed at that.
[Dawn] You'd have known the shit was coming
if you hadn't fucking lied about
going to see Home Alone.
Who...gives a fuck if I saw Home Alone?
All you people do is fucking lie all day about everything!
I don't put glass in your feet
or fucking hit y'all with paint cans.
-Oh, well, excuse us. -Take it easy, bro.
-"Take it easy, bruh." -Okay.
The good news is, the killer's not here.
-So that's good. -[Yassir groans]
[vehicle approaching]
-[Dawn] Who the fuck is that? -[Keith] Oh, shit.
Okay, okay, everyone you invited is here, right, Mo?
Yeah.
-Holy shit! -[Keith and Dawn scream]
Oh, we're gonna die!
Shut the fucking door! Shut the door!
-[Blair] Get the goddamn door! -Come on!
[wincing]
-[groans] -Come on.
-That's it. [chuckles] -[groaning painfully]
You're getting stronger every day, Johnny.
-[groaning] -And you just keep it up
and you'll be walking and talking in no time.
[groaning]
-See, you're doing it. -[groaning]
Oh, look at you.
Better and better. Look at that form.
dynamic music building
Look at my man go.
[groaning]
Yes.
Yes, you're doing it.
[groaning]
[grunts]
Me too, babe.
I just wanna say, I'm still not scared.
-No. No one's scared. -I'm not scared.
But I also wanna say that I'm very sorry for anything
that I might have done to any of you, ever.
-Same. -Same, yeah.
-I'm not sorry for shit. -I'm gonna have glass stuck
in my foot for the rest of my fucking life.
-What are you talking about? -Well, fucking deal with it.
-[door clicks open] -Oh, gosh.
soft suspenseful music
Mo?
Nomi?
[Nomi] I thought this was a bachelor party.
Are y'all playing flashlight tag or what?
[chuckles] No.
The power just went out.
False alarm, everybody.
Told you, nothing to be scared of,
fucking pussies. [laughs]
Hey, what's going on? Why are you here, babe?
Oh, I didn't wanna interrupt your party,
but I need to talk to you and Dawn before the wedding.
Talk-talk to Dawn? Why?
I, um...
I'm going to Varnish.
-[chuckles] Great, so am I. -You are?
Yeah. Keith, he got Mo his label back,
so we're good to go.
I'm Keith. That's my Rolls out front.
-Wait. You didn't know that? -Yeah.
That motherfucker.
Has Arnie been calling you?
[Blair] I'm-I'm sorry.
I'm Blair. Hi.
Congratulations on the engagement.
Can someone fill me in on what we're talking about?
Who is Arnie? What is Varnish?
Other than the shit that hit Yassir in the face.
[laughs sarcastically]
Asshole.
Arnie Markowitz is the very attractive,
very sexual, very cool owner of Varnish Records.
Okay.
And that's why Dawn's been fucking him.
-Oh. Atta girl. -[chuckles]
But now it seems like maybe Nomi's fucking the guy.
-What? -What the fuck?
What the fuck did you just say?
-It's a theory. -I've always hated you.
No. We were just talking about my career.
Oh. Well, I'm sorry.
How it would be better if I got started with a bigger label.
But I'll never forget what you did for me, Dawn.
Damn, Dawn, I think you just got dumped.
And I'm moving to LA.
Wait. Wait. What?
I told you she was a twat.
I'm sorry, but Arnie says
it's where all the opportunities are.
But we can try to make it work, long distance.
S-sure. [chuckles]
I mean, a lot of--
a lot of marriages start bicoastal, right?
soft dramatic music
But in light of everything,
maybe we should just push the wedding back a little bit.
Well, I'm sorry.
[scoffs] Sorry?
-Come here. [chuckles] -Yeah?
-Goodbye. -Mm.
[clears throat]
Bye, Nomi.
-Ooh. -Oof.
After endless surgeries
and countless hours of rehab,
I think that you are finally ready.
Behold, my masterpiece.
-Eh. -[doctor] Eh? What do you mean?
-Move! -No!
No, wait.
Johnny, you're beautiful. Don't go!
Wait! Johnny!
My name...is Lenny.
[whistling upbeat tune]
No. No.
Don't go. Please!
I can't believe she broke up with us both.
-[chuckles] Hard. -Right?
I'm sorry.
Well, at least it can't get any worse. Am I right?
Why the fuck would you say that?
-[Mo] Way to ride the broom. -Jinx!
Here's something bad in three, two, one.
Hey! See? Some good luck.
[TV switches on]
[newscaster] Earlier today,
a titan of the financial industry
made a most shocking announcement.
[Lenny] Reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.
Tha--tha--
That's right.
It's me, Lenny.
It has been widely believed
that I was crushed on Black Monday,
only to survive long enough to make some very...
stupid trade deals before being left for dead
-at Wolf Lake. -That's impossible.
Well, I am here to set the record straight.
Not crushed nor eaten.
Still very much in control of the Leighman Brothers.
-[whispers] Oh, God. -[Lenny] Furthermore,
any affiliation with the village idiot,
Keith Shankar, shall be terminated.
Fuck!
Along with anyone else who has ever crossed me.
Oh, fuck, oh, fuck, oh, fuck!
I think that one-- that was good, right?
We got that one. I feel good about that one.
-I think we got it. -Hey. Wait a minute, guys.
Look, this might be good news after all.
Mo, how?
Well, at least we know who the fucking killer is now.
And Blair, probably right.
-I am? -He was after all of us.
And Lord knows we deserve it.
Well.
[Mo] And I'll tell you something else.
I'm not going out like that. We ain't going out like that.
Yeah!
Especially not to some bitch-ass brotherfucker.
Fuck him! He's a fucking nerd!
Yeah, in fucking glasses.
With glasses, exactly.
Some white boy.
Last time I looked,
everybody in this fucking room is a killer.
Blair, you killed Jammer.
Yeah.
And arguably your boyfriend.
Keith, you almost killed this guy.
You did your best.
Yassir, you're a pacifist.
And Dawn, you--
you know how many people died during Black Monday?
-So many! -So many!
-Yes. -And also Spencer killed
himself after you left him.
Wait. Wait. What, what?
-I thought I told you that. -No, no.
Okay, well, he killed himself after you left him.
What I'm saying is we've all killed.
At least all of you have killed somebody.
We're supposed to be scared at him?
He better be fucking scared of us.
I'm fucking coked out of my mind
even though I'm, like, chill.
And I'm ready to fucking kill this guy.
Exactly.
For Blair, for Tiff, for Wayne,
for other people whose names are not as significant
and I cannot remember at this exact moment!
Yes!
We're gonna take this motherfucker down
-once and for all... -Yeah!
-At my wedding! -[both] Yeah!
[Dawn] Yes! Uh-oh.
Okay, I hate to kill the vibe, but Mo, there's no wedding.
Nomi's gone, remember? She left you.
She's outta here.
Yeah. I'm sorry, again.
Unless...
[together] Dawn, will you fake marry me?
You? Why?
Look, I was already getting married, okay?
We don't have to throw out the bride and the groom.
Well, I'm the only one with actual sham wedding experience.
Uh, beg to differ there.
[together] Shut the fuck up, Keith.
[Dawn] Um...
Oh, I'm torn! I don't know!
Okay.
I can't marry a white man, real or fake, so.
[chuckles] Prejudice wins again.
Get the fuck out of here. Boom.
-Congratulations. -[laughter]
[exhales deeply]
[clears throat]
-Dawn... -[breathes deeply]
-My dear old friend. -Mm.
-Didn't mean it like that. -Okay.
Will you fake marry me?
-Fake? -Yeah, fake.
-You all heard fake, right? -Fake.
-Okay. -Everybody heard me say fake.
-Yes. -Yes?
-I will fake marry you! -[laughter]
-Well-- -High five, then.
-Okay. -All right.
-Homeboy. -[both chuckle]
jaunty music
Daisy, Daisy
Give me your answer do
I'm half crazy
All for the love of you
It won't be a stylish marriage
I can't afford a carriage
But you'll look sweet upon the seat
Of a bicycle built for two
Daisy, Daisy
Give me your answer do
I'm half crazy
All for the love of you
It won't be a stylish marriage
I can't afford a carriage
But you'll look sweet upon the seat
Of a bicycle built for two