[Tiff] Previously on Black Monday...
Just let little old Keithy
take care of the funeral arrangements.
[Blair] Are the pallbearers modeling Pfaffashions?
It's genius, right?
Mike? Holy shit, are those Skants?
I call it an ass cape.
To the two most important girls in my life.
Dawn told me everything.
She's a really good friend to you, Mo.
[Blair] Two people very close to me
were killed under mysterious circumstances.
I'm afraid I might be next.
[person screams]
Uh, no refunds.
slow jazz music
[Mo] Nomi, I'm telling you, you're never gonna guess.
[Nomi] Well, I know we're on an elevator
based on the feeling in my feet...
[Mo] No.
...and this shitty elevator music.
Okay, but to be fair, it could be anywhere,
and I'm surprised that a jazz fiend
such as yourself would call it shitty.
And it's Saturday, so the office will be empty.
Oh, my God, will you stop?
You're gonna ruin your whole birthday thing.
Well, then if I had to guess...
Which I have asked you not to do.
...I would say you're taking me back to the studio....
No.
...to re-create the magic of the night we met.
-Mo, that's perfect. -Mm-hmm.
-We can chase our instincts... -Mm-hmm.
-...our whims, our tails. -Mm.
You are so far off.
-Oh, am I? -Uh-huh.
Well, let me start off with a little surprise for you.
-Okay. -Close your eyes.
Mm-hmm. [chuckles]
-[elevator bell dings] -Okay, open up.
[zipper scratches]
-Oh, no, Nomi, no. -No?
[Mo] No, no, Nomi, Nomi.
-Oh, yeah? -Wait, no!
This is--Nomi! There's jazz--Nomi!
-Nomi, Nomi! -[Nomi] Come and get me.
Nomi, no! Oh, no, no, no, Nomi!
No, no, no, no, no, shit. [chuckles]
Hey, fellas. [chuckles]
hip-hop music
People, we have an image crisis on our hands.
And don't forget blood.
I mean, it's kind of hard not to
because it was so nightmarish.
Keith, your festive festival food choice
reflects the same poor judgment that got us into this mess.
Ugh, why are you eating that?
I lead a very active business lifestyle.
I need a lunch that can keep up.
All right, HGTV, as our church elders can attest,
is not new to image crisis-ies."
Is that how you--the plural should be, like, "crises."
-"Crisis-es." -"To-may-to," "to-mah-to."
Well, no, 'cause "to-may-to," "to-mah-to"
is just a pronunciation thing.
This is more about a pluralization.
-Okay, Keith-- -I'm just saying.
It'd be like "tomatoes," "tomatoes."
The point is, we've been down this road before.
Back in 1977, we briefly became a snake church
until many parishioners died,
which is when we became an anti-snake church...
-Okay. -...until even more
parishioners died while pursuing said snakes,
which is how we became
the snake-neutral church that you know and love today.
That's how I lost my wife
back when snake marriage was legal.
Jeremiah, when you violate the basic laws of nature,
there's-there's gonna be some fallout.
-So sorry for your loss. -[Corkie] Anyway,
HGTV and Pfaffashion need to issue
a joint televised apology honoring the victim.
[Keith] Wait a second. We got our money.
The IPO is back on track.
I don't understand why Pfaffashions
has to apologize for HGTV.
I don't understand why you're still here.
-Ouch. -[Corkie] Tiff,
-you're a smart... -[Tiff] Yes.
-...media-savvy... -Yes.
-...responsible... -Yeah.
-...religious... -No.
-...woman. -I am.
I want you to produce this spot
while I work on buying off the victim's widow.
-Oh, I shall at once. -[Corkie] Great.
Jeremiah and Hezekiah have already written a script.
Tiff, I want you to stick to it word for word.
-Okay. -And, Keith,
you can suck stick.
Gladly.
upbeat music
You are gonna love
your new FBI-installed security system, sir.
The agent gave me the full rundown.
Ah, well, it'll be nice to have a place to feel safe
with an assassin plotting against me.
Well, this triple-bolt action lock
will keep anyone out.
As for surveillance--
Yes, when do they put in the cameras?
Last week.
Our FBI hidden camera system is so discreet,
you'll never know where, when, or how we installed it.
Werner.
Guess where the camera is.
It's amazing. I can't even see it.
'Cause there's not one.
They had to lose it to cover all the bathrooms.
Werner.
Bathrooms? [sighs]
'Cause the one downstairs is where I go to take a sh--
No, believe me, they know.
Okay, but the one upstairs is where I go to mastur--
They know, sir.
They're working on getting you a coach for that.
-Werner. -Oh, by the way,
they suggest that you get them a copy
of your enemies list ASAP.
I don't have a list of my enemies.
The killer is not gonna be someone close to me
who goes unsuspected until the final moment.
Sir, political assassination has been around since Jesus.
Now, that was just Jew-on-Jew crime,
but today you can't rule anyone out.
But don't worry. We'll find him.
I might have misspoken there. You should worry.
Somebody's out to kill you.
But maybe not too much.
Try to find a happy balance.
-[door clicks shut] -Werner?
Baby, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.
I thought you were yelling, "Nomi."
I was saying, "No, Nomi, no."
-You think this is funny? -A little bit.
Baby, come on, I booked the best string section in New York
along with commissioning a-a song to be arranged
and composed by fucking Klaus Pinkwater.
I'm sorry, I'm-I'm still just a little shook.
-Just no more surprises, okay? -No, no, no, no more surprises.
[sniffs] Oh, happy birthday, girl!
-[laughs] -[Nomi] Oh!
-[Dawn] Bring it in. -[Nomi] Hey, look at you!
[Mo] Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Why are you in here?
And what the fuck is happening here?
Well, I'm here to pick up my paycheck,
and at $380 a week, you're screwing
your secretaries harder than most bosses,
except out of money and not in the ass.
Mm, well, at $380 a week, you could argue it's both.
-Ah, my girl! -Mm-hmm.
[laughs sarcastically]
And I'm in here because I know
this is where you keep all the good...
[sniffs] ...booze.
But since you guys are here,
I made Nomi a bomb-ass birthday mix.
-What? No. -Yes.
[laughs] I don't--what's happening?
Hmm? Well, when you told me Dawn was the one
who got me put on the radio, I made her a thank-you mix.
And we've been trading back and forth ever since.
Turns out, we've got the same taste in tunes.
Among other things.
[laughter]
Oh, God, look at him, Nom'.
Steam's about to blast out of his ears
like that little robot bitch from Small Wonder.
Oh, I hate that show.
How does no one find it fucked that a middle-aged man
built an anatomically correct young girl
-to do housework and shit... -It's crazy.
...in a small, frilly fucking red dress?
Everybody fucking hates Small Wonder.
Whoa, just chill, Mo, all right?
It's cool.
But what's not cool is you not telling me about this.
Look, when we recorded that demo,
that was my first time recording anything ever,
and now you want me to go out there
and record with these pros?
Babe, you're a pro, okay?
You were a pro from go.
But listen, this day is about you, okay?
If you wanna ditch this shit and split a milkshake with Dawn
and talk about my magic dick
while I quietly light myself on fire,
no, go ahead; it's your party.
Oh, boy, I get it.
Looks like a classic Mo fuckup.
Trust me, this guy fucks up
more than a horse banging a giraffe.
Mm.
But?
But this-this might also be the most thoughtful fuckup
I've ever seen this fuckup make.
[sucks teeth] Your man takes big swings, girl,
'cause he loves you.
[sucks teeth] Fuck it. I'm in.
-Great! -On one condition.
Dawn, can you please stay?
I mean, not only do you get me musically,
but it'd be nice to have a lady friend around.
[stammers]
Okay, okay, well, I guess then "fuck its" all around.
Hey, "fuck its" all around, great.
Okay, now let's go make some kickass...
smooth jazz! [laughs]
Really, $380?
The guy who cleans the shitter makes--
Actually has a job.
Oh, I'm doing a job, all right.
-What's your job here? -I'm pretty much keeping
your fucking relationship out of the shitter.
Wipe your nose.
Fuck you.
[Keith] Tiff, we need to talk.
Ugh, make it quick, 'cause I'm just under
so much pressure from Corkie.
Yeah, me, too, with Larry, but--
I'm just not used to working so hard
or working, full stop.
Listen, all due, fuck that dead loser.
That's HGTV's problem.
And also, fuck HGTV.
We've got a much bigger set of customers we can sell to,
and if we make our ad too religious,
we might lose it.
But only churches buy Skants.
That's what I thought too.
Then I checked the sales data
and, uh, found a pretty interesting demographic.
Hmm.
-Gay club kids? -Yeah, but look closer.
From an ass-eye view,
all these club queens are Skants-ily clad.
Keith, do you have any idea what this means?
Everyone knows that style trends start with the gays
and end with television comedy writers.
Exactly, so why are we worried about a dead guy
when our company should be focused on live gays?
-[Mike] Keith? -[Keith] Mike!
Oh, what are you doing here?
-Tiff Georgina-Pfaff? -Um...
It's TG fucking PF.
[Mike]I can't even.
When America's most kidnapped denim heiress
cried on HGTV, it completely changed the way
I obsess over public meltdowns.
We have something you need to see.
Oh. [laughs]
A gay icon and passing straight realness.
You're pulling out all the stops.
I like the dog collar.
-Oh, woof, woof. -[Tiff] Keith, look!
They're all me! [laughs]
Look at all these drag Tiffs!
You have no idea how... many notes I have.
dramatic music
Come on.
You don't have any friends who are secretly enemies.
What would you even call them,
"enemends"?
-[car horn blares] -Okay, keep it together.
Uh, okay, a good start would be
not talking to ourselves like a total psycho,
especially in total psycho plural first person.
[siren wails]
Why don't we just, uh, kick back and relax
and watch some TV in the bedroom?
[lock thuds]
Ahh.
[exhales forcefully]
-[sighs] -[TV clicks on]
That's better.
[ensemble playing soft jazz music]
How can it be
Could--
Shit, I-- did I start at the wrong part?
I'm not used to reading sheet music.
No, no, babe, it was great. It's beautiful.
I think the song just wants to start earlier,
that's all, so let's cut a bar.
Take it back from the top, guys.
We're gonna take it back from the top, Bruce.
Relax, it'll be great.
How can it be
Okay, that one was my fault.
[laughing] Okay, tell you what. Let's cut two bars.
I think that's the secret sauce.
Two bars, Brucey, cutting two bars, okay.
It sounds great to me...
[muffled] ...girl! Don't worry.
-I love it. -She can't hear you.
You have to press this.
Oh, okay. I said...
[yelling] ...it sounds good, girl!
-Fuck. -You don't have to yell.
-[Mo] You don't have to yell! -You can just...
-Oh. -[Mo] Sorry, let's go again.
Okay, back from the top.
We're gonna get it. Don't you worry.
"Wonderlove," take six...
ty-three.
-[sighs] -[Mo] Hang on.
Brucey, I'm--one note. Just one second.
-Oh, Jesus. -This isn't Nomi's fault.
It's jazz music.
[sniffing] Mm, mm-mm.
You see? I'm still sleepy.
[laughter]
But in order for it to work in the song,
you understand, the lyric, it's gotta rhyme, right?
So it's-it's "moving all mischievous,
dancing all devious."
- eerie music -[muffled dialogue]
[heartbeat thumping]
And you see here, for the rhyme to work in the next line--
And I wouldn't even know that
because we haven't even gotten that far.
-Oh. -[Nomi] Yeah?
Excuse me.
-[Mo] Nomi. -Excuse me.
Oh, boy, here we go.
It's-it's fine.
[door clicks open]
-Hey. -Hey.
So you're not cooking with jazz...
yet, you know?
But...it's not on you, Nomi.
Of course it is.
Look, Dawn,
just like Mo's been lying about his foot,
I've been hiding something too.
I am not a fucking jazz singer.
I don't even like this dentist chair dog shit.
Mo just so happened to have met me at my jazz gig,
and he assumed that jazz was my thing too.
And-and I didn't correct him
'cause everything was going so right,
but if that Friday had been a Thursday,
he would've caught me singing honky-tonk country at BARn.
-Barn? -BARn.
Capital B-A-R, lowercase N.
-It's a bar. -Oh.
It's a barn.
It's a really racist work environment.
-Sounds like it. -Yeah.
Um, but the point is, jazz is just a job.
I mean, you heard my mixes.
I like tunes you can shake your ass to.
But I just didn't want to disappoint Mo.
He told me that he has never believed in anyone as much
or fallen in love as fast or as deep.
-Hmm. -Yeah, I know, right?
-May I? -Oh, no, go ahead.
Thank you. [clears throat]
But this music is-- it just isn't me.
-Mm-hmm. -And I know
what you're gonna say, that I need to just be honest.
No, no, uh...
if you tell Mo the truth, you'll embarrass him,
and he'll bug out like Goldblum.
-Hmm. -The Fly.
-Mm. -Yeah.
So what do I do?
Uh, well, leave it to me.
Yeah.
Yeah, I've got a master's at managing Mo...st men.
-Just follow my lead, okay? -Okay.
Also, for the record, was that a quote from Mo?
The, um, deeper, deep, fast thing?
Oh, yeah, yeah, that's, uh-- that's what he said.
Yeah, we fell in love pretty fast.
Hmm.
Yeah, just like... [snaps]
-Yeah. -Mm.
dramatic music
[alarms blaring]
[TV clicks on]
[Blair] What the--
Who are you vultures?
RNC, NSC, CIA?
DGA?
I-I don't know how to make this script work
for hard-core religious zealots and hard-core party boys.
Look, Corkie said stick to the script,
but she didn't say a word about casting.
Keith, we cannot veer too far from Corkie's vision.
We're not, besides firing all the apostles
and hiring Mike and his friends
and adding a sexy Mary Magdalene--
you know, the straight love interest
for our super-hot Jesus--
just to kind of cover our bases,
which I did 20 minutes ago, which she won't even notice.
[both] But no other changes.
dramatic music
[Blair] Who the hell?
[gasps]
Christ.
[groans]
The power of you compels you.
Wait.
All political assassinations started with...
-Jesus. -[TVs clicking]
Oh.
Oh, God. Oh, God!
What's happening to me?
There, try it now.
[switch clicks]
[sighs]
-Aha, all right! -[laughs]
Everybody got that 16-hour second wind?
[chuckles] Yeah. You guys good?
Let's have some fun.
All right, Brucey, hit it. Let's do it.
Ah, yes, so I have an idea.
I cannot hear you, Dawn.
Okay. Wait. I'm sorry. How does this--
Okay. Yes.
Uh, Mo, I'm not a producer
like you, but...
what do you think if maybe we up the tempo a bit,
like double time or double-double time?
Hmm, yeah, well, you know, Dawn makes a-a fair point.
-Ah. -She's not a producer.
Okay, so we agree.
And while we're at it, how about we add,
um, bass, um, some drums,
or anything else that makes this remotely interesting?
[laughs] And maybe we should, um...
[clears throat]
[whispers] ...lose the strings?
[whispers] Yeah, whispering over the talkback doesn't work.
Oh, can they hear me?
[normally] Just like muddying up the low end of the track
doesn't work to showcase Nomi's voice.
So if you don't mind, Dawn--
But what about--you know, like you said, just for fun.
[Dawn] Ah, fun! Yes!
Like a birthday should be!
Uh, okay, well, Mo, let's just do something wacky.
[laughs breathlessly] Yeah!
Oh, so you wanna get wacky?
Yeah, why don't we all just go fucking watch UHF?
Oh. And what is that?
It's a "Weird Al" Yankovic movie.
It has some really wacky--
That's not the point. The point is--
The point is, what's the harm in just shaking things up?
Oh, yeah. Let's shake 'em up.
Let's shake 'em up, okay? Whatever you wanna do, baby.
Who are you talking to?
Oh, no, I-I was talking to Bruce, baby.
-Can I have your number? -Never.
[Bruce] Why'd you press the button?
[Mo] All right, let's get wacky.
[Keith] You-you don't think we kind of strayed too far
from the source material, do you?
Show me in the Bible where it says the last supper
wasn't a moody, erotic, fabulous brunch
with a smoking-hot Jesus.
Action!
I'll never betray you, JC.
May the Lord be with you.
[gasps]
-[both] Cut! -[person] Cutting!
Hey, I just wanna check real quick--
you know, power dynamics and all--
that he's not, like, preying on you,
making you feel uncomfortable--
No, I'm having fun.
Okay, sweetie, it's way too sexual.
She's a prostitute but not a whore.
Could you try to play her with, like, a modicum of class?
Okay?
And that's gonna be hard, I know.
Let's go again! Actually, cut!
-It's just-it's not working. -We're not even rolling.
Mary, I need to make an adjustment.
Jesus, I have a thought.
[ensemble playing slow jazz music]
How can it be
Can it be I wake to a dream
There's something in the voice of your eyes
It's something like a dove as it flies
And all I seem to see
- Is you and I... -Put-put the other drums in.
[tempo quickens]
-Bassline. -Oh, baseline.
-[Nomi] Stay and wonder -[Dawn] Where my guitars at?
Day and night
What about bongos or something?
Bongos? Add bongos!
[Nomi] Wonder how my love
[Dawn] More music, synth.
[Nomi] Came to me
That's it right there.
Yeah
[Dawn] The trumpet!
-Yeah, yeah, yeah. -The trumpet.
That was good. Yes, what?
Turn the horns up.
Spotted land
The stones that stand
Castles by the sea
Or how a child must know...
[Dawn laughs]
Dawn, this sounds like fucking Earth Wind & Fire.
Love Earth, Wind & Fire. They make hits.
I can't hear you unless you press the fucking button, Dawn.
Oh, I-I'm sorry Jimmy Jamless and Terry Clueless.
This isn't--
I have ears. I know good music.
All right.
Came to me
Love it.
Came to me, yeah
Now I'm up. Now I don't need as much.
My wonderlove
Wonderlove
[laughs]
-All right. Knock it off. -Yes.
[Mo] The synthesizers, the drum machine,
-just knock it off, right? -But you knew with the bongos.
[Bruce] It's all about the bongos, really.
[Dawn] Yeah, 'cause it-- The-the what do you call it?
[Mo] Hey, Dawn? Hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey. Guys.
-[engineer speaking quietly] -[Dawn] Yeah, a writer.
-That was amazing. -[Dawn] What?
-That was so great. -[Dawn] You were amazing!
-[Nomi] Oh, my God! -[Dawn] You were--
So good, so good.
But if we could have the room for a second,
that would be great, you know?
Gonna air out some differences
between old friends, you know, creative differences,
all that shit-- real quick, real quick, babe.
-Great job, Nomi. -Real quick, thanks.
I'm thinking--
-Get the fuck out, Bruce! -[Bruce] All right.
[scoffs]
-[Dawn] All right. [grunts] -[Mo] Wow.
What the fuck?
Oh.
I did you a favor letting you fake work
here at this no-show job
thinking that your competitive ass
wouldn't try to big clit me as usual.
Guess the joke's on me, huh?
Well, would you look at that? I showed, yo.
-Oh, yeah? -And thank God.
I'm the only thing holding you and Nomi together.
So maybe chill with the favor shit,
'cause I think I've got the lifetime edge
for going to goddamn prison
so that you wouldn't spend a lifetime behind bars.
I'm glad you brought prison up, 'cause I've been thinking,
is that where you lost your ambition, Dawn?
-What? -Is that what happened?
Maybe you need to spend some time retracing those steps
instead of coming in here and fucking blowing my life
and all my coke while your life needs the fucking Jaws of Life
because it's a flaming fucking wreck.
Well, what have you been doing since you got out, Dawn?
What have you been doing? Who have you been doing?
Maybe that's an easier question.
No one.
Well, we know that's a goddamn lie, right?
'Cause you done one, son.
Oh, okay, fuck it. You know what?
Two people.
-Two? -Unless head counts.
You know what? Fuck it.
Three people, and the only fuck I'm ashamed of
since I got out of the joint is you.
-Oh, that's nice. Yeah. -Yeah.
Well, you know, maybe this whole friends thing
isn't really working out.
Yeah, maybe 'cause all day, all I've been doing
is trying to be your friend and help you.
-Mm. -This is bullshit.
Telling everyone that you've changed.
You turned her birthday into the fucking Mo show.
[laughing] What? This is all for her!
So booking your musical heroes
and your favorite composer
to write and record your song was for her?
Okay, you know what? She's the fucking artist, dude!
I know that.
Isn't that what this whole trip is, hmm?
To protect the music, keep it pure.
But no, this is another ego trip, right?
-It's a what? -Yeah.
-A what? -Yeah.
-What? -I see you, Mo.
I fucking see you, and you're mad but not at me.
You're mad at you, 'cause no matter
what you tell yourself, today and every fucking day
is still all about you.
Do you have any idea how much pressure
-you put on that poor girl? -Oh, my God.
-Did you ever-- -She's trying to make it.
Who gives a shit? It's pressure.
What do you mean who gives a shit?
Did you ever hear that pressure busts pipes?
Did you ever hear that pressure makes diamonds?
Yeah, I learned that on Black Monday
when you tried to pressure me
to marry you with a fucking diamond.
[discordant piano notes play]
I hate jazz!
[both] See what you fucking did?
eerie music
[heavy banging]
[rapid knocking]
[Blair] Who are you?
Okay, so we're losing our mind.
With good reason.
There's somebody out there,
waiting, watching,
probably sharpening something
or-or cutting the eyes out of photos.
It's time to stop hiding and start killing
or be killed, killer.
[laughing]
Get out of my head, you me!
So I guess I see now how all of this was kind of
exactly the opposite of what you wanted.
And it only took a day and a half.
That's so helpful. Thank you, Dawn.
So look, the guys are gonna be here for a bit.
Do you wanna jump back in there and do some pop stuff?
Mo, Mo, I love every part of being with you
except working with you,
and if we're gonna give this till death thing a shot,
we can't go down the same route as you and Dawn,
or we'll kill each other.
No offense.
-The guy's a fucking maniac. -She's completely unhinged.
Yeah, so I know that's not exactly what you want.
No, no, no, no, it's not-- I just want you to be happy.
Okay? I'm sorry about all this.
Well, remember you said that,
'cause I'm thinking I want Dawn to--
-To go back to prison? -No, to--
-Leave the country? -No.
-To fuck off and die. -No.
To manage my career...
...for the label,
if she'll have me.
Whoa, I-I don't know shit about this shit.
-Well, there you go. -But I'd be honored.
Yes, I mean, uh, Mo was right about one thing.
You know, I need to get off the mat
and start kicking dick again.
You know what? I get it.
I do. Actually, I-I-I get it.
I don't want us, you know, to become us either,
and, you know, with me out of the way,
I think you two could make a pretty mean team.
So if that's what you want, baby, happy birthday.
-Mm. -[chuckles]
[silently mouths words]
[whispers] Well, fuck you too.
-Fuck you. -[Nomi] Mm.
-[silently mouths words] -[Nomi] Oh, okay, babe, babe.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, sorry, babe, sorry, babe.
eerie music
[Screen Blair laughing]
Start killing or be killed.
[Screen Blairs overlapping] Start killing or be killed.
[laughter continues]
dramatic music
[keypad beeping]
I'm coming for you motherfuckers!
-[Corkie screams] -[Keith] Fuck!
Oh, God, whoa. Shut your shit.
We're about to watch our sympathy commercial, please.
Decent slot, smack in the middle
-of Must See TV Thursday. -[Tiff] Mm-hmm.
Thursday.
I've been in there for two days.
I've lost time!
Guys, shh, it's on. It's on, shh.
[Keith] Oh, my God. Oh, my God. [laughs]
[announcer echoing] Just as Jesus forgave,
we ask you to forgive.
[laughs]
I'll never betray you, JC.
[ethereal music playing]
Oh, see? You couldn't even tell.
I didn't know you were gonna be in it.
May the Lord be with you.
-[Keith] Wow. -[Corkie] Oh, Tiff too.
[Keith] Sexy.
[laughs]
[announcer] Forgiveness by Pfaffashions.
-[Corkie] Wow. -I loved it! [laughs]
-[Keith] What'd you think? -Corkie, did you love it?
[Keith] What was your favorite part?
Yeah.
-[Tiff] She's smiling. -[Keith] She's speechless.
[Tiff] I feel like that's gonna mean a lot to the family.
dramatic music
Okay, okay,
it's time to stop being hunted
and become the hunter.
So where do we start?
I'm glad you asked.
[all] We've got a few ideas.
[laughter]
We've got a few ideas
[laughter]
[laughing maniacally]
dramatic synth music