[Keith] Previously on Black Monday...
[yells]
Ms. Nomi Maldana,
our latest signing to KokoMo Co Records.
And your fiancée. We're getting hitched, y'all.
Yeah.
[Harris] At some point in your life,
you stopped caring about anybody but yourself.
From now on, I'm gonna be good and true.
How about unlimited power, sex, and money?
A million dollars went missing from the company last night.
Political donations are a legitimate business expense.
Fuck it, I'm through. Whoo! Whoo!
Ooh, baby, baby
Baby, baby
Ooh, baby, baby
Baby, baby
Get up on this
Salt-N-Pepa's "Push It"
upbeat electronic music
Pssh, ah, push it!
[sniffs]
Yo, yo, yo, yo, baby pop
Yeah, you, come here, give me a kiss
Better make it fast or else I'm gonna get pissed
Can't you hear the music's pumpin' hard
Like I wish you would?
Now push it
Push it good
Push it real good!
[grunts, shudders]
[laughter]
[all cheering]
Ah, push it
Nancy, hello. Good to see you.
Don't work too hard. Hey, Diane.
Get up on this
Push-push-push it, push it
[retching]
[groans, coughs]
We can't afford this.
Okay, I am the one they call "Jeansus."
Okay, well then call me "Jew-das."
Emphasis on the Jew, okay?
That's what I've been calling you behind your back.
[accordion playing funeral march on stereo]
What the--
-Fuck is this? -Ooh, boy.
Tiff.
-Tiff. -[Tiff] Baby girl.
Wow.
That's enough, Dustin.
[Tiff] I am so sorry.
I can't imagine what it's like to lose a father
who didn't kidnap you.
Pastor was an amazing man.
Yeah, well, at least he's with God now.
And Jesus, right? Was Jesus up there too?
I-I know there's a third one. Uh, is it ghost?
Silence, usurper.
Corkie, if there's absolutely anything you need,
please, just say the word.
The word.
[laughing]
Sorry, you have to laugh in times like these.
Yeah.
Tiff, could I ask you
to take care of the pastor's funeral?
I can't.
Of course, of course. I would love to.
Daddy left very detailed instructions,
and his funeral must rival the King of Kings himself.
Oh, a giant stone to roll in front of his tomb
-à la Christ the King. -Okay.
A gold casket à la Tut the King.
NDAs for his affairs à la Martin Luther the King.
Chicken à la King. Wow.
Well, at least the church is sending him off in style.
Oh, as if. The church is completely broke.
Turns out living in a jet that never lands adds up.
Sure.
But we've been doing so well.
It shouldn't be a problem, right, Tiff?
I'm sorry, you expect Pfaffashions to pay for this?
I spent a lot of time
getting this company ready to go public,
and we can't be seen spending money on a funeral like this.
The Street is gonna go crazy.
Blessfully, it's not up to you. It's up to the board.
Tiff, me, Daddy--whose vote I now control--you, and Larry.
All those in favor?
-Opposed? -Yeah, fucking nay.
Ooh, it looks like nay is for horses, Keith.
[both laughing]
Uh, not that funny. Okay.
-You're right. -No.
We do have to laugh.
-You have to laugh. -We have to laugh!
[Corkie] Especially when it's hard.
Why don't we laugh
and then not spend the cash?
How 'bout that?
Tiff, thank you.
Keith, fudge you.
[sobs]
[funeral march resumes]
[Corkie sobbing]
What the fuck, Tiff?
This is corporate suicide and actual murder.
When Larry finds out about this, he's going to kill me.
I have tried to tell you this, Keith:
this is my company,
and if I wanna use my money on a roast
of Allah à la Alan King, then I will.
What the fuck is that?
I think it's like a Friars Club roast
of the Muslim god Allah.
I can't believe she expects me to do all this by Saturday.
Cork, Corks, Corksie.
Corkie!
upbeat percussive music
How you doing, Mo?
What's that supposed to me-- mean?
[coughing] You see what you--
[coughing] Made me do, Dawn? Fuck.
Somebody woke up on the wrong side of the bed.
I didn't wake up on any side of any bed, okay?
I'll have you know I was up having sex all night, so.
Mm, well, cool.
So again, how are you doing, Mo?
Never better. [laughs]
Woman I love, check. Job I love, check.
Form of payment I receive for royalties
for the woman I love song I love
at the job I love, check.
Whoever said a man can't have it all?
Uh, literally no one ever.
It just seems to me like you're having
a little trouble keeping up with Nomi.
What? Why would you say that?
'Cause your dye's running faster
than Flo-Jo, Bootsy Collins.
Oh, shit.
[Mo] Okay, one joke, two icons. Pretty good there.
Thank you.
Don't you worry about that, okay?
And don't worry about this.
It's just a little nagging injury
that I got when I Bruce Leroyed the Leighman Brothers' door.
Look, I know everybody out there thinks that I robbed
the cradle, but you are only as old as you feel.
And I feel absolutely--
Hey, boss. I got all that stuff you asked for.
Coke to stay up, vikes to stay upright,
dick pills to stay hard, and Ex-Lax to stay soft.
Dawn, did you know our man is constipated?
-Yes! I can see it in his eyes. -Jaundice.
Why don't you get the fuck out, Yasshole.
Wow, someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed.
I was having sex all night!
Look, Mo, there's no shame in admitting that you and Nomi
are in different stages of life
and digestive regularity.
We're in the exact same stage, okay?
That's the honeymoon stage.
-Don't worry, I'm doing great. -Okay, fine.
Dawn. [laughs]
Just the person I wanted to see.
We're having an engagement dinner...
-Mm-hmm. -Saturday at 11:00. You in?
Oh, for sure, but isn't 11:00 more like an engagement brunch?
[laughs]
11:00 p.m., Mee-maw. This one.
I know you're used to the early bird special
-'cause you're old as shit. -That'll do.
Okay. Okay. Well, love you.
[Mo] Love you.
Ah! Fuck!
God damn it!
Brushing your chompers, huh?
Uh-huh.
[gruff voice] The old pearly whites.
-[chuckles] -Nice.
How's the funeral planning going?
Ugh. Corkie is a real diedzilla.
Oh!
[laughs]
Tiff.
Oh, I'm having a bear of a week myself,
and it's not even hump day. [groans]
But I guess they call me the "it boy" not the "sit boy."
Just got back-to-backs all morning.
And tomorrow, I have to give
the Medal of Freedom to a police dog.
And then Saturday, I have
Pastor Swafford's funeral, and--
Was that a spit take or just run-of-the-mill tooth brushing?
-That's insane. -The police dog? I know.
But he was the only cop
we could be sure wasn't a white supremacist.
No, Corkie will freak out at me if you show up at that funeral.
She's already pissed that I let Keith take over the company,
and he's pissed that we're paying for this thing.
Why would Corkie be mad at me?
I shot her dad's TV, not her dad.
You fucked her husband to death.
-Okay. -It's bad.
But that's exactly why I have to be there.
His death has stirred up all of my old scandals,
and the RNC feels like the best way
to reassure my religious base
is to give a very moving eulogy.
There's no confusion on that one.
[Tiff] They want you to give the eulogy?
I mean, that is even more insane
than how many cops are white supremacists.
Not really, when you consider the American policing system
was initially designed to protect white property owners.
Okay, Blair. [groans]
Do you think I want to do this?
The last time I took the stage, I took a bullet.
And that was before two people very close to me
were killed under mysterious circumstances.
I'm afraid if I don't do this, I might be next.
The RNC is very scary.
Well, then maybe it's for the best.
Maybe it's time to just walk away.
-Please let me do a tight five. -No!
I'll open, I'll close. I'll host.
I won't middle because you've gotta draw the line somewhere.
I'm sorry, I have three days to plan a dream funeral.
So unless you know what color coffin skirt
goes with a gold casket then--
-American flag. -Thank you. Thank you.
upbeat music
Well, if it isn't the six million doll hair man.
My plugs looks great and you know it, Congressman Fuck Face.
You look like a Chia Pet cemetery.
Yeah, well, you-- you look like a fuck face.
Do you just come up with these on the spot?
And what's going on? I thought we had
a nice moment the other night.
Oh, yeah, I can't keep track
of all of these shifting dynamics.
Um, how is all of that going for you?
Been going to Housecat a lot, you know, try to reconnect
-with Mike and-- -[clucking]
Okay, I need you to convince Corkie
to let me give her dad's eulogy.
What? How? Why?
Because I'll give back the million dollars
of company money Tiff donated to my campaign.
Wow, am I really in the business
of selling eulogies now?
You've carved out quite a nice little corner
of the world for yourself, there, Keith.
Well, if the Catholic church can sell tickets to heaven,
you got a deal.
-Ho! -I was gonna do that.
I was gonna do that.
-[Dawn] Mo! -I'm back here.
Room on the right.
[Dawn] Whose fucking house is this?
And what the fuck is up with that cast?
Do you ever just be doing normal shit like reading?
Ugh, apparently, I "aggravated my injury"
because of my "reckless behavior,"
and now I have a condition called "shin crumble"
which is threatening my ability to have two legs "long-term"
because I treated my walking cast
"like a joke" and my doctor's instructions
as if they were "in air quotes," so.
Well, you know what? At least now, you have to rest
'cause there's no hiding this shit from Nomi.
Oh, really?
[clears throat]
Twinsies.
-[sighs] -[groans]
Fine, look, maybe you were right.
Maybe Nomi and I are in different stages of our life.
Wait, is that what this is?
Did you buy this house for her?
Oh, my God, Mo, you've known her
for, like, nine days.
Well, when you know, you know. You know?
Yeah, but does she know about this house?
Eh--I--
-I wanted to surprise her. -[scoffs]
But then I started worrying that, you know,
maybe this isn't what she wants right now.
I don't know.
It is dope.
-[Mo] It could be, right? -Yeah. Oh, my God.
Once you fix it up.
It's crazy, this is the exact street
that I told you I always wanted to live on.
-Yeah, I don't remember that. -Is that a painting of me?
Mm-mm. No.
It literally says "Dawn" on it.
-Yeah? -Give me a second,
the pain meds are...
uh, yeah, that's Telma Hopkins from the band Dawn, obviously.
Mo, I cannot believe
how much she looks like me.
Yeah, it's unbelievable. Hey, me, me.
[Dawn] Oh, yes, I'm sorry.
Okay, look, um,
you just have to be up-front with her before the wedding.
You know, you'll reach a compromise.
Or...
at the very least, you'll realize it wasn't meant to be.
Either way, I don't know,
it's better to know the day before
than the day after.
Trust me, you know, I... [sighs]
I wish I'd have known way sooner that--
Spencer was in a different world.
You know, he does look a lot
like an older version of Dwayne Wayne.
Hmm?
No, I meant a different world than where I come from.
Oh, one in which you weren't constantly cheating on him.
Yeah, with you.
-Well, still. -[scoffs]
Well, are you gonna talk to her or not?
-Yes. Thank you. -You're welcome.
Hey, can you make me a sandwich?
Fine. What do you want?
You to go to the grocery store
and get everything to make me a sandwich.
Now do you see why building a rig to fly the casket
over the church is time- and cost-prohibitive?
I have to say, Tiff, I don't see it.
Okay. Really?
A heavy casket with your father in it?
Just some sort of a pulley system, or...
[Keith] What would you say
if I could give the pastor everything he wanted
and save your church in the process?
Oh, well, I'd say, what do I have to do?
Just let little old Keithy
take care of the funeral arrangements.
You had me at "let little old Keithy
take care of the funeral arrangements."
That was literally the last thing that I said.
Bye. Bye, Corkie. It's been real.
Oh, free!
She's really running.
She kinda does that in stressful situations.
Okay. Let's take a look here,
uh, at your binder.
All right, so food, obviously, a big thing.
-Do we wanna do food? -Absolutely.
I think Daddy said he'd like
to start off with filet mignon for apps.
-For apps? -Yes.
We have, uh, what, 35,000 people in attendance?
That's a rough estimate. Anywhere between 35 and 40.
-Thousand. -Thousand.
Okay, uh...
You ever have a Steak-umm?
upbeat music
Ah.
Nine o'clock?
Ahh!
[knock at door]
[knocking continues]
What time is it?
[Dawn] Uh, what the fuck?
Ma'am.
You didn't tell Nomi the truth, did you?
No, I didn't tell her.
I was going to, but instead, I sawed off my cast,
and now I have something called, uh, powder foot.
What the fuck is wrong with you, Mo?
-Huh? -I love her, okay?
I don't wanna lose her.
I know my old ass has no business being with her.
Come on, you said you wanted to be friends, so prove it.
I cannot show up at my own engagement party
in a fucking wheelchair.
[scoffs]
Well, how the fuck are we supposed to hide that thing?
Whee! [laughs]
Hey, hey, hey.
Oh, my God. Dawn, what happened?
Ah, Father Time finally caught up with the old girl.
-Both hips, blammo. -What?
She's basically being held together by pants.
Dawn, but I saw you this morning.
It's insane, right? Yeah, emergency surgery.
Thank God, caught it just in time.
-Wow. -Fuck, should you be at dinner
if you just had emergency surgery?
You definitely shouldn't be here.
[Mo] She's fine.
Okay, we're gonna go over here now, Dawny.
-I can hear. -Right.
You're just old, you're not deaf.
Excuse me, guys. Beep, beep.
[Keith] Hey, fuck face.
I already planned one funeral for today.
Don't make me plan another.
I ordered these Bibles à la King James,
not these generic shits that you sent.
[Corkie] Keith, what did you do?
Exactly what the reverend would have wanted.
Why pay for a funeral when we can have
the congregation pay for a resurrection?
You sold my daddy's funeral?
Everything that's not nailed down.
That's why we still have Jesus' hands and feet.
Keith, my father would...
love this.
[laughs] Right?
But he might not love this.
What in the Hellmann's mayonnaise is he doing here?
Okay, he gave us a million bucks,
and all we had to give him was the, uh, eulogy.
Corkie, thank you so much
for giving me this honor to honor your father.
There's not a snowball's chance in Detroit
that that murderer is giving my dad's eulogy.
Do snowballs fare pretty well in Detroit?
I think she meant hell.
That feels racist.
Corkie, I didn't kill your father.
[whispering] I meant Roger.
[whispering] She's kinda got you there.
You killed Roger.
No, I didn't.
Keith, I thought you said you worked it out.
I said I would work it out, and I still could.
Blair, you've caused me so much pain.
I mean, couldn't you at least spare me today of all days?
-[Corkie] Funeral's off! -[person] Okay.
[Corkie] No one's getting buried today!
Well, that's sort of the blessing and the curse
of being born with double-jointed hips.
Mm.
It made me quite the advanced lover...
[laughs]
But eventually caught up to me.
No worries, though.
Doc said I'd be down to pound in six to eight weeks max.
[Yassir X] It don't make sense, though.
Is your doctor a porn star? They said down to pound?
Or it makes perfect sense because that's literally
what happens to everybody when they get old.
Oh, please, enough about me.
Nomi, girl, did I hear
they are playing your song at the club now?
[Mo] Yes, they're playing her song at the club.
I know. [laughs]
I still can't believe it.
Oh, you know what?
It feels to me like you are about to--
what's the opposite of settle down?
-Take off? -Yes, that's it.
I hope so.
In my head, I've already got the tour scheduled.
I wanna hit the road, see the world.
-Oh, the world is huge. -[Mo] Hey, how about a toast?
-[Dawn] Yes. -Yes.
[clears throat]
To the two most important girls in my life.
Mm.
My old, old, old, old, old, old,
dusty, dusty, rocking chair old friend, Dawn.
-[Dawn] Okay. -[Mo laughs]
Who risked her health to be here
fresh out of a hospital bed.
Ah, you know what? This is an important toast.
Please, stand up so everyone can hear you.
Pretty sure everybody can hear me, Dawn.
[Yassir X] What?
-[Mo] Really? -See?
-Well, I'll stand up. -[Dawn] Okay.
It's no big deal to stand up.
Who's worried about standing up?
So I'm standing up. And there it is.
I did it. I stood up. [laughs]
Maybe you should come and stand
between your two favorite girls, right?
-[Nomi] Aw. -[Yassir X] That's a good spot.
Okay, right there. Here I come.
-I will put this here. -[Dawn] Yes.
And I'll come right over there.
-[Dawn] Sure. -[Nomi] Yeah, come on.
I'm gonna--I'm gonna come with some style.
[laughter]
A little flair.
Ooh, whoa. All right.
Ooh. La-da! [laughs]
And just one more space, and then I'm here.
Easy. Okay.
[clears throat] Where was I?
Nomi, to you,
the love of my life.
You know, as an orphan, I never really knew what home meant.
Then I met you.
That's a thing?
And yeah, the road? Sure, it's fun,
but home is where the heart is,
and that's why the greatest tour
is the tour of the heart...
Mm.
At home where your heart is.
-Okay. -Uh...
Love you, babe.
-Mm, love you too, Mo. -Yeah, to Nomi.
-Now, let's-- -Eat. Oh, my God.
We're so in the same stage of life,
we're finishing each other's sentences.
-Uh-huh. I was gonna say dance. -[Mo] Oh!
Great idea. You all better get out there.
That's what you do.
[Nomi] Come on, boo. Hmm?
Choo. Coo-coo-coo-coo.
Aren't you coming?
We're dancing-- well, I would, but you know,
Dawn and her bitch-ass hips. I don't wanna leave her.
No, no, no, no, no, I'm good. Actually, go, go, go dance
Yeah, that's what somebody says when they're not good
and they want you to stay, stay, stay.
I mean, come on, look at her.
She's single at an engagement party in a wheelchair.
Well, why don't we just take her with us then?
Okay, okay, I'll do it. I'll do it. I'll do it.
I mean, she's just really heavy,
and I don't want you to pull a muscle doing anything.
Okay. Yeah, so we'll be out here.
And I will be there.
I swear to God, I am gonna backflip out of this chair
and go fuck Johnny Gill right there on the dance floor.
-Who cares? -People who say that.
[Blair] Can I have a moment? Please?
[Corkie] Haven't you done enough?
I'm leaving. I just wanted to apologize.
For real.
I know you hate me, and I know you blame me for everything.
But I loved Roger.
I know that's hard to hear, but it's true.
And I never would have put him in danger like that.
I didn't release our tape.
I just wanted... you to know that--
I know.
solemn music
He did.
Come on, Blair.
I mean, if anybody knew how evil
my father was, it's me.
And I know you didn't kill Roger.
I just lost everything,
and I thought I needed a scapegoat.
But it turns out keeping an emotional support goat
on my fire escape was really not a good idea.
It sounds messy.
Then I decided to blame you.
'Cause facing the real person
was too painful to accept.
For what it's worth, my dad sucked too.
He did?
Yeah.
I'm sorry for coming.
And I'm sorry for your loss...es.
Wait.
I want you to give the eulogy.
Really?
If...you tell the truth about my dad.
The world needs to know that he was a monster.
Thank you.
-She buy it? -Yeah.
I make it rain at the party
OG, everybody here know me
Everybody here know me
I'm the OG, everybody here know me
I make it rain at the party
OG, everybody here know me
Everybody here know me
soft piano music
-[sighs] -Oh.
-Huh? -Come on.
Heh, oh, okay, well, I mean, probably the appetizers
are probably getting a little cold, right?
Let's take it to the table.
Come on, I love this song.
Maybe Dawn could just sit this one out.
-Oh, yes, gladly. -[Mo] Oh, oh, no, no, no.
Ah! [laughs]
She told me that she's gotta go to the bathroom, so yeah.
Ah, sounds like a job for Yassir.
Yassir, back the fuck up. I got it.
Okay. Mo, what the fuck?
You've been acting weird as hell all night.
Okay, shit, I'm just gonna tell you the truth.
-Oh, thank God. Finally. -Great. Thank you.
When Dawn spins around like this,
she really has to piss, and when she goes
she starts pissing everywhere,
and I don't want it to get all over us.
-It's not your fault. -[Nomi] All right, okay.
No, no, no, no.
All right, you know what? I'm out.
You guys can just piss all over each other all night
for all I care.
Happy engagement party.
Okay, Nomi, come on, Nomi.
-P-p-p-pissing's not my thing! -Nomi.
I promise I'm not into that.
Hey, I-I know this is terrible timing,
but could you wheel me to the bathroom?
'Cause I actually do have to piss.
And we're back from commercial in five.
Grab those tissues, we're crying.
Four. We're grabbing our wallets.
Three. Remember to give us those donations.
Two. And cue the medium wash on stage.
I love it, Ron, looking good.
We're about to bring out the body.
Good luck, everybody. Here we go.
I don't know how you did it, but, uh, thank you.
I mean, I thought this thing was gonna go to hell.
Well, now only Pastor Swafford is.
Okay, cue the models. Cue the models.
Check this shit out.
Let's look sexy, sexy, sexy.
And let's show off that denim.
I'm sorry, are the pallbearers modeling Pfaffashions?
Yeah, it's genius, right? Free advertising.
This thing's gonna get a 22 share.
Watch, our sales are gonna skyrocket.
And show me that tushy. All right.
[Blair] You really are a piece of shit, Shankar.
Well, this POS is about to SOS your wife's IPO.
So it's time for you to go.
Remember, plug the donations. We're close to our goal.
And if you can slip in Pfaffashions,
that would be great, okay?
Into the Lord's Prayer?
You can do it. Break a leg. Go, go.
All right.
Great, give me voice of God in three, two.
And now, to delivery the pastor's eulogy,
he's your congressman,
Blair...
Pfaff!
[cheers and applause]
[high-pitched ringing]
Pick up your cues. Pick up your cues.
Blair Pfaff.
[cheers and applause]
Ladies and gentlemen...
Camera one.
We gather here to bury a man.
Some would say a great man,
but the truth is...
...the truth is...
Pastor Swafford was...
so much more than that.
He was a direct messenger of the Lord.
[cheers and applause]
I feel Pastor Swafford rising up
just like our family values revolution is rising up
against the Communist, Marxist,
socialist, radical left.
[Mo] Go ahead. Say, "I told you so."
[Dawn] No. No.
Look, she just needs to cool down tonight.
Tomorrow, you'll come clean,
and I'm sure she will understand.
I hope you're right.
Ah, okay.
Thanks, Dawny.
-Again. -[both laugh]
You're welcome, again. [chuckles]
soft choral music
What the fuck?
I can walk!
Oh, my God, it's a miracle! I can walk!
Oh, Hallelujah! Praise Jesus!
[Blair] Praise Jesus indeed.
Can you help us get over that heavenly hump?
Can you spare it?
Can you spare us from a life without our leader?
Raise your hand if you can take us to the promised land!
Yes, yes, yes, oh!
It's a miracle! It's a miracle!
Take it away, Pastor Swafford!
Cue the video.
[Newell] Hello. It. Is. Me.
-Newell Swafford, pastor. -Yes!
I love! All of you.
Thank you. Fore! Resurrecting me.
Like Jesus, I am going home.
See you soon.
God was nice. Good bye.
Yes!
[cheers and applause]
You all deserve some thanks.
Get on up here. Get on up here.
We are not worthy! We are not worthy!
Whoo!
[screams and gasps]
Uh, no refunds.
Thanks for coming.
Run!
Fuck. Nomi.
[Nomi] What you reading?
Uh. It's a jerk mag.
I was gonna go have a little Mo party,
but now I'm too sad.
Hey, hey, stop. Stop.
[Mo sighs]
solemn music
I don't want this.
Okay, I understand.
If you can't be real with me about a fucked up leg,
what else am I gonna have to worry about?
So that's why I think
if you ever hide some shit from me again,
it's over.
Don't you think I don't know you're older than me?
You use talcum powder as deodorant.
It's healthier.
And your hair, it was salt-and-pepper yesterday,
and now it's just pepper.
I was going for something.
Well, we'll figure it out.
'Cause I love your old ass.
I love you too, Nomi.
-Come here. -Okay.
How'd you find me?
Dawn, she told me everything.
Oh.
She's a really good friend to you, Mo.
Yeah, I guess she is.
You like your new house?
-Yeah, I love it. -Oh, good.
Yeah. [chuckles]
Ooh, what's that painting?
Oh, my God. Does nobody know the band Dawn?
I'll get rid of it.
upbeat synth music