[Dawn] Previously on Black Monday...
I thought you said the RNC hated me.
They did, until your assassination attempt,
and now you are polling through the roof.
Pastor Swafford. You're still a monster.
I will hang you out to dry.
Old Keithy is finally in charge now.
You answer to me.
$1 million went missing. We know it was you.
[Dawn] I need a job. I just need a company name
to satisfy my parole officer.
They're charging me with securities fraud.
I can fix this.
You can never fix this.
We should just be focused on being
-a couple... -Friends.
...of friends.
[answering machine beeps]
[Mo] Dawny, Dawn, Dawn.
So I'm pretty sure you spent another post-prison weekend
partying till the break of you
and are too hungover to pick up
without throwing up.
but I really need to tell you something,
big,
bigger than big, fucking huge.
Pick up. Pick up.
Pick up. Pick up. Pick up. Pick up.
Pick up. Fuck!
This news is way too big to leave on your machine,
but you really should be the first to know.
But I really wanna see your face when I tell you.
But I really don't want you to hear it from someone else.
Ooh, what to do, what to do, what to do, what to do,
what to do, what to do. What should I do?
Stop eating the whole fucking tape!
Respect the fucking tape.
[Mo] I guess I'll just tell you when you get here.
Oh, and you better fucking get here fast
'cause your parole officer called,
and she's coming by right now to shadow you all day.
-Fuck! -[Mo] Sorry.
Probably should've led with that.
She sounded like a real "See you next Tuesday,
you fucking cunt."
Wait, did I... Did I do that wrong?
Eric Clapton's "Pretending" playing
[Dawn vomits]
How many times
Must we tell the tale?
How many times must we fall?
Living in lost memory
You just recalled
I get lost in alibis
No, thanks.
Sadness can't prevail
Ugh.
Shit.
Don't be pretending
About how you feel
Don't be pretending
-I'm... -Coming!
Don't be pretending
About how you feel
Don't be pretending
Hey.
If anybody asks, I work here, okay?
Wait, you work here now?
You take the question mark
off that sentence, motherfucker.
My parole officer will be here any minute. Fuck.
[Werner] Uh, chairman of Ways and Means, sir, three o'clock.
Hmm...
[forced laughter]
[both] Who are you talking to?
[both] Idiot, I'm just pretending.
-Dawn Darcy. -Congressman Pfaff.
[both] Ahh!
All right.
-Now... -[both] How can I help you?
Girl, I am so glad my PO is a Henrietta
and not a Henry, if you know what I mean.
-I prefer Henry. -Totally.
Yeah, no, I just mean that you understand
the struggle that the ladies face in the workplace.
That's why when I was CEO, I employed only women.
-Except for me and Wayne. -Ahh, yes, diversity hires.
Takes great pride in her work
at her prior criminal enterprise.
Okay, now, where is your workstation?
Oh, yes, yes, yes. I am actually right over here.
It is my girl, Missy.
Missy is my office BFF.
Are you talking to me?
Bitch, I know you not gonna act.
You know I'm talking to you. Oh, my God, she is so crazy.
You are crazy, you sexy bitch, you.
Oh. Okay, so is this your desk?
Yes, this is my, well, my home away from home.
So this is your needlepoint?
And this is your trophy?
And these are your condoms?
Missy, bitch, I swear to God,
I'ma shoot you in your eye with a fucking BB gun again.
You play too much.
I told you I'ma punch you in your titties.
You're at it again. I told you she was crazy.
No, here at KokoMo Co, we have this thing we do
called Mix Up Mondays
where we switch everybody's shit off each other's desk,
and this bitch is the ringleader.
No, it's Monday fun day.
That's what Mo, Mr. Monroe, my boss, calls it, actually.
-[Mo] Hey, hey! -[Henry] Oh, champagne?
No, I-I never touch this stuff. Not for me.
It's just Moet Mondays. You know, what can you do?
So it's Mix Up Monday and Moet Monday
'cause it's Monday fun day.
-Yes. -Even though today is Tuesday?
-[Mo]Is that who I think it is? -Hey!
Yes. This is Mr. Monroe.
And this is my parole officer, Henry.
-Hello. Henry? -Henry.
Okay, Henry.
Write this shit down verbatim. -Mm-hmm.
Ms. Dawn Darcy is the most hardworking,
honest, home run employee
that I have ever had the honor to work with.
Okay? She's the best.
Best employee, but best friend ...
Making it weird. [laughs]
Oh, thank you. Thank you.
And I also have to introduce you all
to Ms. Nomi Maldona.
She is a supernova singing sensation.
And she also happens to be
our latest signing to KokoMo Co Records, so...
Yes, which explains the champagne better.
Yeah, it explains the champagne.
And, oh, I don't know, your fiancée, Momo.
Whoops, left something out.
We're getting hitched, y'all.
Yeah, look at that.
[Nomi] Beautiful, isn't it?
[Mo] It's nice, right?
-Yes, congratulations. -Yeah.
upbeat '80s music
Good news, Lar.
By reducing Pfaffashions' toilet paper to single ply,
we're able to see some savings.
Now, granted, it's not a lot, but in this business,
it's death by a thousand butts. Am I right?
-Have a seat. -Yeah, sure.
-What's up? -No, not there.
There.
Okay.
You know, my brother set up this putting green to teach me.
Lenny's a big golf guy?
Nah, he thought the game was too ethnic.
He did it to teach me discipline.
Not bad.
I guess I have to be
the big brother now.
Ow!
I sent you to Pfaffashions to find the fat.
A sorority sister with a sharpie could have done it.
No, no, no. No, no, please.
Ow! Ow!
Instead, I hear the She-E-O is still using company cash
like it's her personal ATM
by dumping it into her husband's campaign.
No, no, no, no, no.
You know, Keith, there is a vast chasm
between working for the Leighman brothers
and being a Leighman brother.
It takes balls of steel. Do you have them?
dramatic music
I do.
Oh!
[groaning and crying]
[fearful gasps]
And to think I was gonna give you our nose.
[Werner] Welcome to your new office.
Wow. I love the dark wood.
It was Dick Cheney's office
before he became secretary of defense.
Wow, if these walls could talk.
They wouldn't dare.
Cheney had the wallpaper made from NDAs.
[laughs] Word.
Well, looks like the RNC is a fan of RN-Me.
Play your cards right, and you could nab the VP slot
for the next presidential campaign.
You've got all the right players behind you.
-Baby boomers... -Ah.
People who value the sanctity
of banning abortion clinics.
Yes, sir, as well as Big Jesus,
Big Pharma, and Bigots United.
The only part of the conservative coalition
you haven't nailed down is the NRA.
What? But I was shot and I didn't blame the gun.
Don't worry, their annual Shoot-A-Thon is tomorrow.
It's NRA president Charlton Heston's
signature event.
He autographs the spent shell castings.
So, you know, you just have to go there and--
Talk shit, shoot shit, get shitfaced.
Talk about shooting fish in a barrel.
That was last year's competition, sir.
This year, it's baby ducks in a pond.
And once Heston's signs off on you,
the sky's the limit.
Not for the baby ducks, of course.
Of course. Now, speaking
of shooting adorable babes,
where are we on who shot me?
They're zeroing in on a suspect.
We should have a name for you just as soon
as we finish the focus groups.
I'm sorry, what now?
Well, the RNC has been workshopping
a few options.
A Greenpeace-loving activist, a lesbo...
-Fun. -...George Soros.
Okay, cool.
But what about who actually shot me, like, in reality?
Stop worrying about reality, sir.
You're a Republican.
Someone tried to kill me.
Now, maybe because I'm me,
but I would actually like to find out who--
Jerked your limp political career
into a rock-hard rocket ride?
-Werner... -[Werner] Yeah.
So maybe don't go digging, sir.
Okay.
[knock at door]
Hey, you.
-Hey. -How you doing?
I'm fine.
-Yeah? -Yeah.
[Mo] Okay, 'cause it seemed
like you ran in here and you were kinda upset
like you were gonna have a cry or something.
It's understandable, babe.
I'm certainly not gonna cry over some shit like that.
No, actually, I'm fine.
Look, I'm sorry I didn't tell you
about me and Nomi earlier.
There just wasn't any time,
and it didn't seem like
leaving all that on your answering machine
was really the best way to go.
There was no tape left. You know what? You used it all.
I did.
And I need... I need another fucking tape.
[both] Maxell 120.
I know your flavor.
None of that fucking Memorex bullshit.
Fuck Memorex.
But speaking of, her demo, you gotta listen to it.
This shit will really dampen up your eyes and thighs.
Jesus. Dampen up? No-no.
-Well, check it out. -Okay.
[both] Neither Of Us Has Ever Felt
The Feelings We're Feeling Before.
[Mo] It's got a nice ring to it.
-Now, I have one question. -Yeah.
Is the song as long as the title,
or is it short?
You really are brave.
You are fighting through this amazingly.
Oh, no, listen, and so are you,
because you know I love that your ego
has allowed you to be friends,
you know, because that's what I wanted.
Great, because that's what I want too, Dawny.
Good. That's all I want. I mean, I said it, obviously.
All right? Good. That's what we both want.
Great. And I hope that in time,
you know, when your heart heals,
you, me, and Nomi, we can be the best of friends.
And I'm sorry again, okay?
I'm sorry. All right?
Because if you don't stop apologizing,
I swear I'm gonna pull a fucking Jammer.
I'm gonna jump off your fucking balcony.
-Oh. -[laughs]
You'd kill yourself
just because I got engaged? That's--
I'm not doing this with you, okay?
Okay.
Stop it. Stop making that fucking face.
Well, at least you're not rebounding.
-Back to work. -Hang in there, champ.
No, nothing to hang in for. I'm fine.
Yeah, you've said that a number of times. I got it.
Really? [laughs] I'm joking.
No, I'm good. Yeah, no, I'm fine.
And thank you. I can't wait to listen to this.
-It's great. -Yeah, well, okay. We'll see.
peppy music
Knock, knock, tough rock.
Holy shit, Maurice Monroe.
What brings you down to the Shmona district?
I got big news, K-Man. I'm engaged.
Wait, really? Holy shit.
Wow, you two crazy...kids finally did it.
Talk about the world's longest
"will they, won't they ever get it right?"
That's a real Salmon Diane.
Oh, Cheers.
Yeah, where everybody knows you're white.
No, the dish, Salmon Diane.
Yeah, sure could never quite nail that recipe.
Why would I know anything about your wife's cooking?
Anyway, hey, congratulations. You and Dawn, I called it.
Well, it's actually not Dawn.
It's... Met a girl three days ago.
Her name's Nomi.
And I know it's brand new, but we're in love.
[Keith] Twist. Classic Mo.
[Mo] You know, back in the day,
you would've been the first person I told.
And we would've gone out
and coked our beaks bloody.
Oh, it would've been bad.
[Mo] Would've been so bad.
Hey, thanks, you know, for coming here.
I know it takes a big man to admit when they're wrong.
Oh, no.
You think that's why I'm down here?
I am down here because you and Larry are holding
my record label hostage.
And the only thing worse than fucking with a man's livelihood
is fucking with his woman.
And 'cause she's signed to my label,
you and Larry are fucking with both.
So I am here to personally tell you,
you better get this fucking IPO thing right.
You got it?
tense music
Damn, your hair looks good.
You're not shitting me right now, are you?
-[Mo] It's amazing. -It's fucking great, right?
-What did you do?
Took a long time. I went to Germany--
Don't care. Fuck off.
[sighs]
Classic Mo.
You know what I've been reading recently?
The Bible.
I dig it. It's weird.
It's like The Hobbit a little bit.
Wait a minute. Wait.
We were here before that guy. Why are we still sitting here?
That's why.
All the other labels, they pay to play,
but Mo doesn't think it's kosher, so...
So since Mo is on this integrity kick,
you gotta sit here all day?
Okay. So I know you're new here,
but you sure seem confused.
Henry, why don't you just do your job, and I'll do mine?
My job is to watch you do your job.
Yes.
Tony. What's up?
Any new artists I should check out?
[Yassir] We just signed a 103-year-old man.
This dude's incredible...
Okay. You know what?
You have better cut this shit,
or I'm gonna report you.
You've been acting fucking weird all day.
Do you even work at KokoMo Co?
tense music
Oh, God. You're right.
Listen, I have been acting fucking weird,
but it's not because of my job.
It's...
It's Mo.
Your boss?
My boss and my on- and off-again boyfriend
for the last 15 years. And then--
You guys were together for 15 years?
Yes. I mean, and no.
I mean, I was married. But yes.
And then, suddenly, he gets engaged,
and I try to act like I'm fine,
but I'm not fine.
How the fuck could I be fine?
No, girl, listen, I get it.
I just got outta something that was crazy.
Messy-ass breakup.
Nothing I did for, like, three months made any sense.
Girl, I get it. It's complicated.
Oh, yes, you understand.
It's like a Rubik's cube with pubes.
Okay. You know what?
I don't think you need me on top of you
on top of everything else.
So don't even worry about it. It's fine.
I'll just see you next week
and the week after that...
and the week after that.
-Oh. -[chuckles]
[scoffs] This bitch.
[group talking raucously]
Ah, ah! Give me some sugar. Yeah.
Fucking freaks.
Honey, I'd rather be a freak than a--
Keith?
Mike?
Jesus, when did you join Cirque du Sogay?
Hair.
Uh...ish.
How've you been?
You mean since I almost went to jail because of you?
Yeah, that was kind of the time frame
I was referring to, yeah.
I'm good. I'm really good.
-Good. -[Mike] Look at you.
You're back in the closet?
No. What? No, I'm just--I'm working.
And I...
Holy shit. Are those skants?
Oh, yeah,
I call it an asscape.
Yeah, I-I make those.
Actually I'm taking Pfaffashions public
because IPOs, they're the next big thing.
I mean, LBOs--
Stop, I fell asleep.
Look, we're keeping the party going...
but I'm sure you can't.
I can, I just I can't 'cause it's cants.
Well, I'm DJing at House Cat tonight.
Tonight's bad. I got a--I got a thing.
-How about tomorrow night? -I have a thing too.
You know what? I DJ every single night.
So if you change your mind and your clothes
and your life,
stop by.
Be good to see you for old time's sake.
And here, a gift.
Courage.
Bye, bow-tie.
electronic music
-Hey. -Hey.
Do you mind if we Deep Throat this?
-You're the expert. -Oh, ho.
No, I just mean, like, back to back
like spies, you know, for fun.
You mean for your reputation?
Because you don't wanna be seen with a convicted criminal,
even though the whole reason that you have a reputation
and that I'm a convicted criminal
is because you fucked me.
No, no, no. I fucked Mo.
You fucked yourself. I don't know
why you sacrifice yourself for someone so selfish.
You didn't even come visit me.
You told me you didn't want me to come visit you.
Because that's what you fucking say when...
you know what? Fuck you, dude.
Whatever.
-So? -So...
How've you been? Are you seeing anybody?
No, I meant, so are you gonna expunge my record or not?
That's the only reason I'm here.
It will be done. And for what it's worth...
thank you for coming to visit me in the hospital.
It was really scary. I mean, I almost--
I know, I know.
After everything that we've been through...
-That's why I went. -I know.
Mo's engaged...
to a child,
not that it matters to me.
Well, you're clearly in love with that guy.
No. Why does everyone think that?
Dawn, c'mon, it's just us.
No, no.
There is no us, not anymore.
somber music
[Blair] No, no, no, no. Wait.
We can, you know, I don't know,
troll for dick.
[laughs]
Sounds like fun.
No, I'm sorry.
I don't wanna be seen with you, Congressman...
for my reputation.
somber electronic music
[Blair] I have everything I ever wanted.
Money, power, perfect pitch.
But even with all that and every pleasure center
maxed out on the reg, I'm still feeling... bad.
I mean, everyone I know hates me.
It's like, "Did I do something wrong?"
I mean, that's crazy, right? And you would know.
What you're describing, Blair, is guilt.
What do I have to feel guilty about?
Maybe--I'm just checking my notes here--
double crossing your wife on your wedding day?
-Eh. -Dropping your business rival
-off a building? -No.
Blackmailing your lover
into hanging himself
and then poisoning his life's legacy
on national TV?
Uh-uh.
Causing the single greatest loss of global wealth
in human history?
Or...what you did to your dad.
That's a fascinating theory, Doc-turd.
But maybe, maybe, my paranoia could also stem
from the fact that, oh, I don't know,
I was fucking shot in the fucking chest,
and the fucking person who fucking did it
is still fucking out there,
and I'm the only one who fucking cares.
I'm sorry. I'm just feeling...scared.
And I do not like these feelings,
so I was just thinking, maybe you could, you know,
shocky-shocky them away.
-Of course.
[electrodes zapping]
For $550 an hour, this better--
-Help. -Well, I was gonna say cure me,
but that's the whole scam, right?
Meanwhile, your poor patients are...
Dying.
...inside, and you dumb head doctors
don't even have the heart to--
Tell Gerard it was always him.
Gerard?
Holy fuck!
Tiff! Tiffany Amber Pfaff!
-[Keith] Oh, Jesus. -Where is she?
I checked her place, her boyfriend's place,
and their pied-à-terre. I need to talk to her.
Don't we all? Unfortunately, Tiff is out
blowing all the Pfaffashion's cash,
amongst other things, I assume.
This is the second time I've been scared to death
by actual fucking death,
and she's missing.
What kinda marriage is that?
I assumed a sham one. No judgements.
Oh, God. I'm such an idiot.
I was almost out. Why did I go back in?
You know, Oscar Wilde once said,
"When the gods wish to punish us,
they answer our prayers."
Ha! That's so gay.
I don't mean that out, Keith. I mean, out of politics,
always having to answer to someone, doing bad shit.
Oh, I'm in too deep.
The only way out for me now is through.
I don't know. How did this happen?
You know, I was wondering the same thing.
This life that we have to live
versus the one that we want to live.
I don't need all the details.
The plugs do a lot of the work.
You're miserable. Right?
Well, take it from me, Keith,
get out while you still can.
moody music
Hello, madam. I'm--
Oh, I know who you are.
You're Blair Pfaff!
You're just in time for the duck-athlon.
Whoever shoots the most cute little ducklings
gets their picture on the cover of NRA Today.
-Awesome. -[clerk] Now, let's see.
-Here is your gun. -[Blair] Oh. [laughs nervously]
-Here you are. -Thank you.
[clerk] Oh, and your vest. Keep that baby on.
Us wives like to call this event the Widowmaker
due to the occasional oopsie-doopsie.
Oh, wow, thank you for that terrifying tip.
Could you point me in the direction
of a Mr. Charlton Heston, please?
-Oh, he's right over there. -Ah!
Thank you.
Mr. Heston. I just wanna say,
I am such a fan of--
[gasps] Pastor Newell!
[Newell chuckles evilly] Surprise, surprise.
dramatic music
[knock at door]
-[Mo] Ah, you're back. -I'm back.
[Mo] What, is your PO here or something?
No, I wanted to tell you something,
and I didn't wanna do it on your machine.
That's great, but I kinda wanna talk to you
about something first, okay?
I wanted to tell you something.
No, no, no, just have a seat.
I mean--okay, okay. Yeah.
Listen, I know you're not fine with all of this.
Okay? And I'm sure
I probably didn't help matters either.
Okay. Truly, I am fine.
Dawn, c'mon, Yas told me
what you told your PO at the station.
Oh, what? No, no, no.
I was playing her.
I-I just needed to cover fast, that's all.
Okay. Dawn pulling on the old heartstring, huh?
You know.
-Dirty Darcy. -I learned from the best.
So you're sure you're not jealous?
Well, yeah, I'm jealous. I'm jealous as fuck.
-Well, that's what I'm saying. -No, I'm jealous of you, Mo.
Because you did it. You figured your shit out.
Me, I'm on parole,
sleeping in a fucked-up Murphy bed.
I don't know what the fuck
I'm gonna do for the rest of my life.
Oh...
No, don't. Okay?
Just believe me when I say, for the very last time,
I am fine with your fiancée.
Because I-I love you, Mo Mo.
-I love you too, Dawn. -Yeah.
Oh, wait. I'm gonna prove it.
-What? -What are you doing?
[radio static]
[Nomi on radio] Soft lights, soft music...
Are you fucking kidding me?
This is... You did this?
How did you do this?
The way the old Mo I used to know would've done it:
playing dirty.
$400 a spin, and not during drive time.
I only have $83 in my purse.
You mean your Gucci purse?
You owe me a fake Gucci.
[Mo] Goddamn it, Dawn,
I don't wanna run my fucking business like that.
-This is a legit business. -You didn't, okay? I did.
Why did you do that? Why would you make me do that?
Just consider it an engagement gift.
Is that--Mo, I'm on the radio?
-You're on the radio. -I'm on the radio?
Yeah. You did it.
-Well, I mean, Dawn-- -[Dawn] Yes, you did.
It's great, Mo.
-Congrats, babe. -Aw, thanks, babe.
Wow. Sounds so good.
What are you doing here? Where's Heston?
Well, Chucky had to finish up his arc on Dynasty,
so I promised my dear friend that I'd vet you.
Now pick up your ears, prick.
I need you to introduce some legislation
so that churches can own air rights.
I am tired of circling around
so they can medevac some bald kid.
Nah, I'm not doing that.
Don't forget I made you, son.
Oh, please. I made me.
Then I got shot, died for 11 minutes,
and came back to life even fucking better.
I'm basically like Jesus with more manageable hair.
Oh, and white, unlike the actual Jesus,
who, according to overwhelming geographic
and genetic evidence, was Black.
That's blasphemous. C'mon.
All I'm looking for is a little quid pro quo.
Just like with Roger,
only this time, no one gets hurt,
except maybe the occasional therapist.
Oh, my God. It was you.
Moi? No.
But I spoke to my little friend
-down at the morgue.. -That tracks.
...that those electrodes were rigged
to elect-splode.
Now, the question is, were they meant to fry him or you?
Fuck you, you Miracle Max Headroom motherfucker.
If being the next Dan Quayle means having to get in bed
with you again, then fuck it, I'm through.
Reach out, touch faith
Depeche Mode's "Personal Jesus" playing
Your own personal Jesus
Someone to hear your prayers
Someone who cares...
This is for Roger.
Oopsie-doopsie.
[electronics sparking]
Your own personal Jesus
Someone to hear your prayers
Someone who cares
Reach out, touch faith
Oh, look at that.
Wow!
[laughs]
Say cheese, killer.
Reach out
[starts]
[music playing softly on radio]
music continues in soundtrack
Reach out, touch faith
Reach out and touch faith
spacey electronic music