♪ Ooh ♪
♪ It's Showtime tonight ♪
Previously on Black Monday...
We are about to get rich as fuck
buying Amerisavings & Loan.
Congressman Roger Harris.
My man!
You want to buy up retail banks
to gamble on the stock market.
Do we have a deal?
I need your chunk of Amerisavings.
I would love to work with you,
but until Mo's behind bars,
I will never do business with your company.
You can shop the deal if you want,
but where are you gonna go?
How could you betray my family?
They're the ones who were behind your kidnapping.
Do you honestly think
that he is not out there right now plotting his revenge?
- Hello? - Mo, Miami--
- Keith, shit! - You son of a bitch.
I found you.
If you see him,
do not attempt to apprehend him,
but call our hotline.
Good morning, you.
Hmm.
Now that's the kind of political wakeup call
I like.
I have an urgent poll to show you.
Shit, is it the new Gallup? Is it bad?
No, it's-it's my pole.
It's my dick.
- Oh. - Yeah.
I'd like to get a hold of that poll.
And gallop, Big B.
- Yeah?
Yeah? Reverse cowguy?
- Mm-hmm.
Housekeeping.
- Come back later, por favor.
Aha.
♪ funky music ♪
Uh, no usted today!
Damn it.
speaking Spanish
Big B, what the--
- Fuck! Get the fuck out! - I told you no more hotels.
It's too public.
We need a place that's just ours.
- Tad, get the fuck out! - And of course your wife's.
We've been looking for months, but newsflash,
- Tiff is particular. - Fuck.
Well, you better find something.
A homo-hotel tryst would ruin both our lives and careers.
You don't think I know that, Roger?
In here.
speaking Spanish
De nada, friend.
So...
how was the sexual congress...
man?
Well, it was...
- Do you have a robe, or-- - I do not.
I'm--
So sorry.
Oh, please. We've all seen it.
♪ Queen's "I Want to Break Free" ♪
♪ I want to break free ♪
♪ I want to break free from your lies ♪
♪ You're so self-satisfied ♪
Right on there, Keith!
Hey, Keith.
- Keith! - ♪ I've got to break free ♪
♪ God knows ♪
♪ God knows I want to break free ♪
Thanks, boss.
- Thanks, boss. - Later, skaters.
♪ I've fallen in love for the first time ♪
♪ This time I know it's for real ♪
Keep her close.
Hey, okay.
Um, so we're gonna take a quick fiver.
Thank you very sweetly.
I am Antoine LeFaro,
and we are So Close, Yet So Antoine.
Another Mudslide, Gordo.
Another mudslide?
Jesus, how many of these have you had?
- Get off my back. - They're not good for you.
I mean, come on, how much coke have you had today, Keith?
- A lot, but I can handle it. - Exactly.
You don't have a leg to stand on.
Well, you're not gonna have a leg to stand on either
when the diabetes devil comes for you.
Whatever.
I'm glad I gave up booger sugar for sugar-sugar.
Just saying, you got a lot of stumps
in your family tree, huh?
Is there something that you wanted, Keith,
'cause you waved me over here kind of frantically.
You were on America's Most Unsolved Crimes.
That's so cool.
It's not cool.
It is hot, as in the heat is on,
but not in the cool Glenn Frey way, okay?
It is time for you to put in action
whatever plan you've been cooking up
to clear your name and get back on top.
I don't have a plan, okay?
Don't you want revenge
on all those people who fucked you over?
I mean, Dawn and Blair...
me.
Nah, man. I'm good.
That whole Mo Monroe life, that's behind me now.
Maybe I should just disappear to the Maldives.
- The what? - It's basically Kokomo.
"Get there fast, take it slow" kind of vibe.
I spent a week there one night.
It's the happiest I've ever been.
I'll sail out there, catch on with another hotel band,
and spend the rest of my days
laying down the low end in paradise.
No shirt, no shoes, no extradition,
and all the minibar Toblerone I can boost.
Don't worry so much, K-Man. Life is sweet.
- Top me off, Gordo. - Top you off?
- No, no, no. - There we go.
- Oh.
Mr. and Mrs. Pfaff,
do you see those specks in the left lung?
- Mm-hmm. - Melanoma cells,
which means the cancer's metastasized.
So what's the prognosis?
I'd say you've got two, maybe three weeks left to live
in that hotel,
'cause you'll be moving
into Ms. Caldwell's classic six on the Park
once her ass is six feet under.
- Yeah!
See, babe? I told you.
Anna is Manhattan's best realtor.
Yep, because my sister
is Manhattan's best hospice nurse.
They call me the Grim Realtor.
I like to have fun with my materials.
Cute.
The way I see it, once God closes a door,
Anna closes a deal.
Well, it does have everything we need.
Two masters, discreet service entrance,
and the same bedroom alarms Michael Jackson uses.
We'll take it.
But what it doesn't have is the address.
63rd and Broadway?
I told you to only look at co-ops on the Park
between 81st and 82nd.
It's the best block in town.
Yes, but those families never sell, they just--
Hand them down
from gentrification to gentrification.
I know. I grew up there.
Which is why I wasn't sure
if I should bring this up or not,
but an apartment on that block did just pop up for sale.
- Oh, we'll take it.
It's in your parents' building.
Oh, yoinks.
Uh, they had a bit of a falling out last season.
Autumn.
Yeah, that Page Six blind item
wasn't too tough to decipher.
"What bosomy brat caused a major family tiff
when she cut off jeans company from her own parents?"
May I say, I admire your ruthlessness.
Well, that isn't exactly the whole story, Anna.
- Okay. A momentito. - Oh.
Babe, you have got to try
to be open to new neighborhoods.
We've got to get out of that hotel
before Page Six starts writing
about a certain unisex-named Wall Street bull
taking precautions and Special K
with his special K Street bear.
Maybe I should write for Page Six.
I don't know, I don't know.
Okay. Let's go see it.
Anna, would your sister be hospice-able
to sneak Ms. Caldwell enough Dilaudid
to miss us sneaking through di-lauded apartment?
I am on fire with these.
No, Blair, I'm talking about going to see the apartment
in my parents' building.
What?
I deserve to live on that block.
And why should I avoid them? They should avoid me.
- Yay!
Get the fuck out and get me the apartment, bitch.
Done.
Who is it?
♪ dramatic music ♪
It's so good to see you.
- It is? - Yes, it is!
Are you cra-- get in here, Dawn!
Jesus Christ.
I mean, shit!
Ah. Man, look at you.
Come in, come in.
- Hey, you want to hit this? - Okay.
Huh. It's on my parents' floor.
Mm-hmm.
Huh.
It's on my parents' side of the building.
Huh. It's behind my parents' door.
Babe, I think it's your parents' apartment.
Anna, why didn't you say that?
Fibbing is a major part of real estate.
You said you wanted them to avoid you.
Now there would be no them to avoid...you.
- You make a good point. - Yay.
Now, you must see the--
right, you grew up here.
I should let you show yourselves around.
- And I'll just go fuck myself. - Thank you.
So... hmm.
It really is great to see you, Mo.
Or Ro, or whoever you are down here.
- You look like a ho.
No, I'm serious,
what the fuck is up with your hair?
Oh, geez, if my hair were any more relaxed,
it'd shit its pants.
Hmm.
So what you playing?
- Oh, Legend of Zelda. - Ah.
In fact, I'm glad you're here
to finally see me beat this shit.
I'd let you hop in there too, but it's single-player, so.
Mm. Yeah.
I can tell from that Jergens
that you've been on single-player for a minute.
I've been beating more than this game.
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
No, but I fuck on the reg down here in all seriousness,
so I'm pretty good there.
Cool.
Yeah, look around.
Take everything in. Check out the amenities.
The future has arrived,
and its name is roller blade.
'Cause the wheels are in the shape of a blade.
- It's fucking genius. - We got company, Keith.
Holy shit, Dawnie!
Bienvenidos a Miami, chica!
Hey.
Check you out.
Check you out!
And check out those jean shorts.
You better size up, Kiki,
'cause I can sees up your asshole.
All right, I will have you know,
I am and always have been a jean short medium.
The only way you're a jean short medium
is if you can communicate with dead jean shorts.
Hey, look at that. We're back, guys.
Classic us, right?
So what brings you a Miami?
Oh. All right.
I get it. I gotta go anyway.
I gotta outfit my crew.
I got a crew now called the Cabana Boys.
- Mm. - We move a lot of weight.
They're all excited about the blades, you know.
Except for Randy.
We kind of had a thing, and now we don't, and--
- You're still talking? - Got it, I'm out.
I'm out, I'm out. Just a little update on K-Man.
Beach day, tomorrow.
Nope. Adios, Keith.
- Okay, dinner? - Keith.
Okay.
Yeah, some things never change.
Oh, yeah.
So...
Mo, look, about everything that happened--
Oh, oh, please, don't even.
No, don't even go in there.
Fuck the past, you know?
I'm over that shit.
I'm happier than I've ever been in my life.
That's great. I'm really glad to hear that.
Yeah, so apology accepted.
No, no, I wasn't gonna apologize.
Really? You weren't?
'Cause you're kind of the whole reason
I'm in this position.
You mean the happiest position of your life?
Yeah.
Yeah, that's--
that's what I meant, sure.
Hey, you mind if I get back to this game?
I've kind of been working on it for the last few months.
I was about to beat it before you showed up.
- Sure. - Okay, great.
Great.
And now it's fucked.
Wow.
This place really is perfect.
Except for the taxi-denimed horse.
Hey, girl.
If you look close,
you can see the history of Georgina in her eyes.
Because she's stuffed with our short-lived
asbestos-lined firemen jeans.
New York's bravest pants.
Miss you, Scraps.
Hey.
Are you--
are you sure you don't want to just see the Caldwell place?
Tiffany! Blair.
What a pleasure to see you as always.
Ah, you look...healthy.
Ruddy.
I see you grew into the rosacea.
Mother, Father.
Shame you have to sell the apartment,
but I guess at your age, it's good to downsize.
Oh, we're not downsizing.
We're upsizing.
We're buying a compound in the Hamptons.
This area's a bit of a down-and-going neighborhood.
Oh, I get it.
It's the opposite of up-and-coming.
It's great.
Well, if you'll excuse me,
I forgot to get my World War II memorabilia from the safe.
Not-zee most conventional hobby,
but keeps her busy.
And now if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go measure the playroom.
I want to see how big it is
without Barbie's Dream Jeep Dealership in there.
Father.
You know,
when she was a kid, she'd only go up there to cry.
Well, she might still be a little upset
about the whole "you kidnapping her" thing.
Right.
So, moving to the Hamptons.
That's a nice life.
Yeah, it's a nice lie.
We're not buying in the Hamptons.
We're selling everything because of the whole
"you stealing all our money" thing.
Right.
To be honest, of everything we've lost,
the only thing that matters is Tiff.
I know I don't deserve it,
but would you tell her that...
Daddy still loves her?
♪ downcast music ♪
- No, Dawn, you gotta-- - Mo, I can fix this.
Take it easy. A light tap.
- You know what a light tap-- - I'm barely touching it, okay?
- Okay, well, look-- - I'm hitting reset!
You're jamming your finger in there like you--
Are you--you're still doing it after I said--
What are you talking about? I barely touched it!
Come on, you're fucking hammer-handing it.
Oh, you're trying to break it?
- I do not have hammer hands. - Okay, you know what?
- Here, I'll break it. - I don't--what are you--
What the fuck are you doing here?
Yes, finally!
Yell! Say something!
Because I know you're not happy in this shithole!
Incorrect. I'm very happy, okay?
I've gotten rid of all of my stress.
- Oh, oh! - I quit doing blow!
This is the first fucking time I've yelled
since I left New York, and it's when you show up here.
- Oh, of course it's me. - Imagine that, Dawn.
It's always me!
Listen, if you're not here to apologize,
what the fuck are you doing here?
- I am here because I-- - Oh, I'm sorry to interrupt!
- I'm so sorry guys. - Oh, my God, Keith.
Fuck!
I might be in a bit of a pickle, okay,
so, Mo, I need your snorkel gear.
Long story short, Randy's reticence to blades
was actually quite well-founded.
Speed, it got the best of him,
and he kind of lost control
and then launched off the pier
with my entire stash in his backpack,
and now the sharks are circling.
Literally, there are fucking sharks down there.
And figuratively, because once the cartel finds out
that I lost the $1,000,000 of the blow they fronted me,
I'm a dead man.
Holy shit, Keith.
Wow. Talk about coked to the gills.
Hey, you can't feel your teeth?
Try not feeling three rows of teeth.
Just when you thought it was safe
to go back in the water, it is!
Those sharks aren't gonna eat for, like, a week!
Oh, no, they're way too busy
making a bunch of business deals.
In sharkskin suits.
I bet they're making a killing.
'Cause they're sharks!
Guys, you know,
I'm glad you two found your rhythm again,
but I'm in a lot of fucking trouble,
you assholes!
Whoa, Keith!
- I love new Keith. - Oh, I love him.
- Oh, shit. - Whew.
Ah.
Look, Mo,
the reason that I came is, I'm worried about you.
So, I--
What, is this 800K
supposed to make me completely forget the fact
that you fucked me over?
Whoa. That was some Rain Man shit.
How did you know how much was in here?
'Cause, Dawn, I don't have to be a fucking genius
to know the exact amount
that my Jammer Group shares are worth.
You're trying to buy me out.
Well, guess it makes sense, right?
Kind of hard to business
when you got a wanted man on your books.
So $800,000,
and then you erase me from the company I started.
- We started. - I started.
We started.
You know what? Fuck this.
It's a fair price for your shares.
I've been knocking for 20 minutes.
Sorry, my grandparents soundproofed all the bedrooms
during the Dirty '30s.
Wow, this really is the perfect apartment.
I know.
And I love it, but...
...this isn't the way I'm supposed to get it.
My parents were supposed to give it to me
when we got married, like everyone's parents do.
Sweetie, I think your sense of reality is a little--
Yeah, 'cause reality sucks.
I deserve the life I dreamed of,
not this off-brand version.
It's Barbie's Dream House,
not her fat friend Midge's Bed Sty HUD house.
- Is that a real toy? - My maid's daughter had one.
It came with a block of cheese.
Nothing turned out the way it was supposed to, Blair,
and I think that's why I'm having such a hard time
- finding a house I love--
Because I wanted this home,
but without compromising, you know?
Just-just like I wanted a fairytale marriage
without compromising, but, I mean, my life--
who's that?
It's just Dawn with some work stuff.
Sorry.
Look, you think we made some compromises?
Why, because we don't have sex?
We have love and money
and sex with whoever we want.
Our arrangement is not compromise.
It lets us have everything.
I know. I just miss my parents, okay?
And I feel bad for them.
I mean, they shouldn't have to live in the Hamptons
year round like a couple of townies.
Come on, they weren't that bad.
Besides the kidnapping.
And the fat camp.
And the bulimia camp.
- Tiffany. - Blair.
Can't we just stay in the hotel a little longer
till I work things out with my folks?
I want nothing more than that.
In fact, you're not gonna believe this,
but your dad literally just came up to me out there, and--
I tried to patch things up between you guys
because I could sense that's what you want,
but he just wasn't having it.
♪ dramatic music ♪
- Really? - Yeah.
I'm sorry.
Baby, I gave my dad hundreds of chances,
and he just kept hurting me.
My mother always said to me,
"In life, when something breaks,
"you can't always put it back together,
but you can use those pieces to move forward."
So let's take this apartment,
and use it to cut your parents out of your life forever.
I am the only family you need now.
Only me.
Wait. Blair and I just talked, and--
- You did? - We'll take it.
Get the fuck out.
Burn the furniture, and have the horse beheaded.
Scraps?
Maybe we'll see you in the Hamptons.
So you and Blair, huh?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
50/50, finally.
A partner who won't fuck me over.
We'll see about that shit.
Look, come on, 800K, it's more than enough seed cash
to fund whatever grand scheme you got cooking.
Hey, I don't have any scheme.
Make your fantastic return to Wall Street.
I don't have any scheme, Dawn, okay?
I'm done with that.
- I told you. - Oh, come on.
Look, I'm tired of it, okay?
Who's got the most expensive suit?
The most endangered rug? The longest car?
Always fucking chasing after better.
I'm sick of that shit.
Only thing I'm gonna miss about that life is...
...is you.
It's a good deal, Mo.
You can shop it if you want to, but...
where are you gonna go?
As far away as I can get, Dawn.
Bye, Mo.
Is that right? Are you sure?
Hold on a second.
I found Mo.
I didn't turn him in,
but he is off our books for good.
Signed and predated before Black--
African-American Monday.
Trust me. You'll never see Mo again.
Oh, we know.
"We"?
The royal "we."
Like the king's piss.
Okay.
So, do we have a deal?
Partners?
Partners.
Nice doing business with you, Hot Coffee.
You too, Half and Half.
Well, Half.
Do it.
You got it, boss.
Hello, this is America's Most Unsolved Crimes hotline.
I found Maurice Monroe at the South Beach Motor Inn.
I followed his girlfriend here.
Looks like she did a real number on him.
Classic femme fatale.
Kind of broad that makes you want to dig your own grave
and lick the shovel clean.
Your tips are important to us.
For English, press 1.
God damn it!
- Para Español--
Wow, Mo-Mo.
This place is fucking paradise.
Not a bad first date, huh?
First date?
Well, first formal date.
Ha! We've had sex, like, a hundred times.
Yeah, but those were all at work.
You're right. You're right.
- To the Maldives.
- Hey. - Hm?
To you and me.
♪ romantic music ♪
- Oh.
Giving it up on the first date.
Oh, Mo-Mo.
- Mm. Wait, wait. - What?
Should we go in
before we get sand all up inside us?
- "Up inside us"?
Wait a minute.
What are you gonna do to me?
I'm fucked.
The coke's gone.
It's at the bottom of the Atlantic.
And now I owe $1,000,000
to the most violent cartel in Miami.
They're gonna kill me.
♪ dramatic music ♪
Fuck that shit, Keith.
We're not going out without a fight.
- We? - Yeah.
It's one thing for me to walk away
from everything I've built,
but it's a whole 'nother motherfucking thing
for somebody to try to take that shit.
Tell me everything you know about this cartel.