♪ It's Showtime tonight ♪
You want to fuck with me?
I would love to fuck with you.
Previously on "Black Monday"...
Who wants to come titty fuck Keith?
- Hey-- - Oh, ugh.
You think he's trying...
the Georgina play?
So once he marries that Georgina chick
and we get those shares, we also get cracker rich.
Give me the piece of the Jammer Group that I deserve.
You want something from Mo?
You're gonna have to fucking take it.
Do you even want to get married?
I'm really confused right now.
Like I've been pressed into this shape.
I've been playing you, kid.
Fuck you. I'm gonna tell Tiff everything.
I want in.
My hubby likes chubby.
You're fired.
Is what we're about to tell you.
- Right, Dawn? - Sorry, Momo.
The market's taking a huge shit right now.
- You shorted the market. - Well, that was Dawn's idea.
Keith, you're the only one that never fucked me over.
I'm sorry.
This was all a Jammer Group plot to screw us.
You thinking what I'm thinking?
One of us should take a steamy shit in Mo's car?
Now who's fucking around?
I'm here for my piece of the Georgina play.
Let's celebrate, partner.
Dawn, how could you do this?
If I were a man, they'd just call it business.
I'm sorry, Mo, but it's my time.
♪ relaxed music ♪
Hey, quit daydreaming. The bosses want to see you.
Actually, I was day wet dreaming.
I'm busy, so can we just pretend that I did
a series of nonthreatening, girlish giggles?
- Uh-huh. - Mo, oh, Mo.
What it is, my man?
What can I do for you bosses?
Buy 20,000 June Coffee Calls.
We're going long like John Silver's
premium seafood eatery.
All due respect,
I'm not sure that's the smart play right now.
All Jew respect, I got a room full of them
that would fundamentally disagree with you.
I'm just saying that a lot of these dudes were in 'Nam.
They're saying there's a lot of coffee farms
that are popping up all over the Lam Dongs, so...
That explains the uptick in the bores.
I mean, the French are always a step ahead
in Asian commodities.
- We should go short. - We should go short.
Hmm. I do trust Dawn with coffee.
- Yeah. - Nobody makes a better cup.
- Her nickname is Hot Coffee.
Nailed it. Hot Coffee, that's who she is.
No, in fact, go make me a hot coffee, okay?
With two Sweet'N Lows and zero trading advice ever.
Mr. Leighman, she's right, though.
- I mean-- - Fuck, Mo.
You're a brother, but you're not a Leighman brother, okay?
So just place the order, or I will hire somebody who will.
Yeah, I understand.
Hey, Dawn. You okay?
Yeah, no. Thank you.
Oh. Fuck them, right?
It's not our money.
Hey, let me ask you something. You think they're...
I don't know. Maybe.
You know, the quiet one?
He makes me tie his bowtie while he sucks his thumb.
- While he what? - I know.
He's got some weird mammy fetish.
I have an MBA.
Which does not stand for "majestic black ass,"
despite what the loud one says.
I don't know. Let me see.
It's not bad.
Hey, well, let me tell you something.
I'm out of here.
- I'm gonna start my own shop. - Really?
Got a backer. He's gonna stake me.
Wow.
Now, if there was just some way I could get my hands
on that Leighman Brothers' rolodex.
You mean if you could get my hands on their Rolodex?
Well, you do have prettier hands.
And feet.
Come on. What do you say, D?
Hey, hey. Hot coffee.
Want some cream?
♪ slow tempo music ♪
Whoo.
This is for my homies in the mother ghetto.
Maurice "Mo" Monroe, AKA "Roland Madison,"
AKA "The Black, Black Monday Murderer,"
AKA the "Downtown Defenestrator,"
is wanted not only for
the global financial terrorist attack known as "Black Monday"
but for a shocking double homicide.
- Rod Jaminski...
Plummeted to his death,
ironically landing on Monroe's own stretch Lamborghini,
and killing one of the Leighman Brothers in the process.
I don't know what happened.
Mo just went crazy.
Was it the embarrassment that his protégé,
Blair Pfaff, had outsmarted him,
making a fortune off him in the process?
Face it--there's a new Blairiff in town.
Or maybe it was the betrayal of his best friend,
Keith Shankar.
Or maybe it was a broken heart after his fling
with office tart Dawn Darcy.
I'm just an innocent secretary delivering Danish.
Whatever it was on that chilly October afternoon
Mo Monroe just snapped.
Somebody save me.
Thank God for that Blair guy.
He's a real hero.
He tried to save Jammer too, but it was too late.
He was Countach meat.
Lamborghini Countach meat indeed.
♪ dramatic music ♪
We need your help to find this thug.
But make no mistake. This man is dangerous.
If you see him, do not attempt to apprehend him.
But call our hotline, 1-800-1-WANTED.
Operators are stand--
What?
Y'all expected me to be mad
because they portrayed me as some dumbass secretary
despite the fact that "Black Monday" was my fucking idea?
Not the name, of course. Shit's racist.
I mean, if they tried to play a man like that...
Oh, shit, if they tried to play Mo like that,
he'd blow a gasket and a rail.
Sweep everything off this table, fire all of y'all,
and then he'd call that hotline himself
just to confess so his dumb ass would get all the credit.
- But I'm not Mo. - That's right.
- And I'm not a man. - Yep.
I am a professional...
bitch.
Ladies, the world is finally changing.
Look at this place.
We've shattered the glass ceiling.
Who cares if it takes a minute for the men to recognize us?
The arc of the moral universe is long.
But it bends toward justice.
- Say it. - Martin Luther Queen.
Did they put Keith in khakis just so the piss would read?
I don't know. Not now, Karen.
'Cause the last time I checked, we're not in the ego business.
We're in the getting paid business.
- That's right!
And the getting laid business.
And business is sex.
- Word. - Nice, dude.
Getting mad, getting even...
You were-- you were talking.
That shit, it's a waste of time.
And the point is, our time is now.
- Yeah. - And I have the perfect plan
to take advantage.
Amerisavings & Loan.
This is it, y'all. This is my next big idea.
We are about to become an institution by buying one.
So what?
"America's Most Unsolved Crimes"
thinks that Blair is the mastermind instead of me.
He's my partner.
I'm not gonna fuck up our shit over that.
Or this.
- Or this. - That's right.
- Or this wack,
dumb shit right here.
- That ain't right. - What is "Jet"?
Fuck these bitch-ass, niche-ass periodicals.
Okay. But what Dawn's not telling y'all,
'cause she too humble, is that she is about to
get her props.
"The Wall Street Journal." That's right.
The old gray lady's husband, the old white man,
is running a huge profile on our girl tonight.
Wow, thank you, but the only pats on the ass
I need are from y'all.
And it's a good thing I got all this ass to spank.
- Whoo.
'Cause we are about to get rich as fuck
- buying this bank. - Yeah!
So stop everything
and start acquiring every open share of Amerisavings & Loan.
Shit. It's impossible, Boss.
Leighman brothers own a huge chunk.
- Did you say impossible? - Yeah.
I am a black woman with my own trading firm
on Wall Street in 1988.
I might as well have just stepped out
of the motherfucking DeLorean from the motherfucking future.
Impossible can suck my dick.
♪ upbeat music ♪
Who's the Whiz Kid of Wall Street?
Or according to "Playgirl," "The Jizz Kid"?
Who's got the biggest brains and, coming soon,
the biggest muscles?
You do, hunk.
You bet your tight little bottom you do.
Shall we, darling?
♪ Jet ♪
Hey, over here!
- Hello. - Hello.
♪ I can almost remember their funny faces ♪
- Leslie! - Hey, Paul.
♪ The time you told them ♪
♪ That you were going to be marrying soon ♪
Well, if it isn't the Whiz Kid.
What brings you lovebirds to Washington?
Governor Putnam, it's wonderful to meet you.
We're here for Nancy.
We couldn't just say no to a chance to celebrate
with the great bouffanted one.
Ironic Nancy's partying with a bunch of Washington aides
after spending so long ignoring AIDS.
Cut the shit, Pfaff.
I know you're here for a reason.
This party is a lobbyist's dream, and my cash machine.
Yeah, that blowhard's angling to get the FDA
to call breakfast the most important meal of the day
just so they can sell a lot more Cookie Crisp.
A private prison lobbyist is pushing something called
a "three strikes" rule.
Three strikes, like in the game...
Baseball.
Yes, except in this case, it's three strikes
and you're in jail for the rest of your days.
- And the Dairy Council's
still trying to get people to say cheese
while taking pictures.
It seems the flash creates a sense memory.
Psshhh. Good luck with that.
No, no, no, no. You'd be surprised
how many common phrases come from lobbyists.
"Cool as a cucumber." The Gourd Lobby.
Now those guys, they had a lot of hits.
- "I'm in a pickle"? - Yeah.
- "Nice melons"? - Mm-hmm.
"Squash that beef"?
That one was actually a collaboration with big meat.
- Oh. - If you listen closely,
you can detect who's in whose pocket by the phrases they use.
- Happy hunting. - NRA?
Whatever helps me help our great state of New York.
♪ Jet, whoo, whoo, whoo ♪
♪ Ah, Mater ♪
♪ Much later ♪
- Oh. - Blblblblb.
Leighman Brothers--please hold.
Leighman Brothers. Please hold.
♪ mischievous music ♪
- Try to turn it the other way. - Mm-hmm, I am.
Let me try this baby right here.
- Diners Club?
That's like the food stamp of credit cards.
Let's try this.
Are you kidding me? You got keys?
Why didn't you do that in the first place?
It's supposed to look like a break-in, right?
Wow, bingo. Leaves his fucking Rolodex.
Okay, okay. Wait.
- Wait, wait, wait. - What?
We got to make it look like a break-in.
- Well, break some shit.
Okay. All right.
- Yeah? - Okay.
Hold up. Wait a minute.
I want to break something.
Ah...
- Oh, oh.
Oh, God.
♪ We're breaking shit ♪
Yo, should we do something?
New England clam chowder,
Manhattan clam chowder, or mixie dixie, sir?
Manhattan for me, and, um...
Mixie dixie for Lenny.
Thank you for being so patient, Dawn,
and not kicking down our doors.
You know how many of those
Mo has destroyed over the years?
- Hmm? - Brazilian rosewood
doesn't grow on trees.
Righ...tah.
Uh, hey, um...
about Lenny, I've been meaning to say...
Something.
Well, thank you, Dawn. That means a lot.
What could I do you for?
I need your chunk of "Amerisavings & Loan."
I'll bid 10% above ask.
- 10%? - Yes.
I'd love to do you one better.
I'd love to give you our block of Amerisavings
and partner with you on whatever you're cooking up.
That's amazing. I would love to--
Unfortunately, I doubt my poor brother
would love any of that.
I have to imagine the combo
of being screwed to high hell by the Jammer Group
on Black Monday, along with his untimely crushing,
left a bad taste in his mouth.
The taste of Corinthian leather.
And polished chrome and l-- liver.
His own.
That was all Mo. And Mo is not with us anymore.
We're not even called the Jammer Group anymore.
- We are the TBD Group. - Well, great.
Send me a prospectus to wipe my ass with
when you come up with a name.
No. The TBD Group is our name.
The Blair Dawn Group.
Oh, wait. I just got that.
Also, wouldn't that make it "The The Blair Dawn Group"?
Yes, it would.
Well, the name may have changed,
but the SEC still lists Mo as a shareholder.
He's on the run, Lare.
I mean, the guy's not exactly hopping on conference calls.
No one knows where he is, and no one cares.
- He's gone forever-- - That is what that prick
wants you to think, Dawn, okay?
That cocksucker has been hoodwinking us since 1978.
Do you honestly think that he is not out there right now
plotting his revenge?
I don't think of him at all.
Sweetheart, until Mo is behind bars,
we will not...
I-I-I will never do business with your company.
- Yeah. - But when Mo finally
gets what's coming to him,
give me a call.
'Cause I would love to work with you.
That Blair's a real whiz. Have you seen this?
Wait. You read "Jet"?
Well, I thought it was about jets.
But that's "Jets."
Yeah.
There he is. My final victim.
Congressman Roger Harris, the minority whip.
That always sounds racist.
We get him, we get all the votes we need
to deregulate the banks.
All right. You got this, you little bitch.
Just unslump your shoulders, try not to get all blinky.
Keep your mouth shut. You're prone to gleeking.
And whatever you do, don't do that thing--
Hey, I told you--
No more domestic abuse disguised as pump-me-ups.
You don't tell me what to do anymore.
- Do you remember our deal? - You're right.
I-I know I'm... I'm just a gorgeous beard.
Exactly, so just smile and play your part.
You did get one thing right, though.
I fucking got this.
Rog! Bubby.
It's me, your brother from a bunch of magazine covers.
The Whiz of Wall Street himself, Blair Pfaff.
Riddle me this.
What comes after C regulation,
but before E regulation?
- That's right. - Deregulation.
Specifically, bank deregulation.
Not to be confused with bank de big bucks,
which is what you're gonna be doing
if you pledge your undying support to me.
Let me guess.
You want to rewrite U.S. law
so you and your Wall Street cronies can buy up retail banks
and use the savings of honest, God-fearing Americans
to gamble on the stock market.
My man! Yeah, do we have a deal?
I'm the chair of the House Ethics Committee.
I started the Family Values Caucus,
I coined the phrase, "Moral Majority."
I invented the parental advisory stickers
that protect kids from rap.
- Fun. - My father-in-law
is Neil Swafford,
televangelist of the year, four years running.
Four straight Vangees. Wow.
Now, can't you see that I'm not at work?
I don't come to where you're not working
and try to turn that into your office
so I can tell you how to do your job, now do I?
If you'll excuse me. Mrs. Pfaff.
Ooh.
Say cheese.
My man, is it me,
or is an all-female workplace extremely hostile?
I was thinking the same thing, my man.
This place is a literal prison.
Disgusting.
And look at this female propaganda.
We should have 10% off clothes.
And I hope you're not mad, but I'm having Pam pick up
a couple copies of your journal profile for all the girls
so that we can toast you.
Yeah, uh...it's fine.
As long as we pull off this bank play,
I don't give a shit about the press.
Well that's good,
'cause have you seen Blair's "Hot Jets" cover?
Hot? He looked bloated to me.
No. "Hot Jets."
The spa industry's trade journal.
I'm in the market for a koozie.
- That guy is everywhere. - I know, good for him.
Speak of the devil, which is against my religion,
he has been on hold for...
15 minutes?
Are you kidding with that hold time?
My mobile only gets 20 minutes of talk
before I have to charge it for two days.
Is everything okay over there?
Uh...duh.
I just met with the Leighman brother
about his chunk of Amerisavings.
We're good.
Hey, unrelated,
if you had to, like, totally disappear,
where would you go to get away from it all?
Aruba.
Jamaica.
Bermuda, Bahamas, Key Largo, Montego.
Dawn, you gotta stop looking over your shoulder
and worrying about Mo.
We wiped him off the board.
That's why I went on "America's Most Unsolved Crimes,"
is to make sure all the blame stuck to him.
And all the pastry stuck to me?
I told you I had zero creative control.
- Ohh! - I mean, yes, I was on set
and I sat in on casting,
and I did pitch that "new Blairiff in town" line,
but the director came from features.
- He didn't know how TV worked. - Whatever.
How's your side of the deal going?
Pfffft.
Well, Dawn, not surprisingly,
I'm a fucking whiz at politics too.
Great, well, then it sounds like we are good.
- Great. - Great.
Great. Now if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go celebrate.
Mm. Mozzarella stick?
Fine, but don't snooze on these fondues.
Why am I so cheese horny?
This was a once- in-a-generation deal, Tiff,
and it's fucked.
Like fully.
The other congressmen won't even take a piss
without Harris' approval.
- What do I do? - I don't know.
Take advantage of a howler of a happy hour menu?
- What?
Our arrangement was just using each other to get what we want.
You get to be the most powerful guy in Manhattan,
and I get to be married to the most powerful guy in Manhattan.
And that's it. I'm just your beard, remember?
Okay. I'm sorry I snapped.
In my defense, I'm under a lot of pressure,
and I'm also on steroids.
Blair.
Just because we're fake and married
doesn't mean we still can't be real friends.
I agree.
So as my best friend,
I'm asking you to tell me what to do.
Give me the full Tiff.
Uhh!
It's simple.
You've abandoned what got you here.
Okay, you're not some slick bullshit salesman
who calls people Bubby.
You're an earnest, hardworking genius
who calls his bubby every Sunday.
Okay, you believe in what you're selling.
Bank deregulation is good for the country, right?
So then just tell Congressman Harris that.
Wow. You're so right.
What are you waiting for?
Hot off the press.
Actually, they're just warm from this pizza
that I'm carrying, but come on, Boss,
you gotta admit that this is a dope moment.
Come on.
- Come on, girl.
- Okay, it is. - Yes!
Ever since you rescued my ass from that secretary pool,
you have shown us all how to be strong, successful women.
- Am I right? - Yeah.
When you found me, I was the horse valet
at Studio 54.
- I remember. - I was a waitress.
- I was profiling you at Saks.
That's right. You the shit.
Come on, y'all. Dawn.
Dawn, Dawn, Dawn, Dawn.
Dawn, Dawn, Dawn, Dawn, Dawn, Dawn.
Dawn--
What's going on?
Damn!
Good thing you don't care about all this pressure
'cause they drew you in a bikini with your bush all out.
No, that's an ink blot.
Ink don't curl like that, girl.
That's bush. I know bush when I see it.
Come on. I mean, I'm sure y'all
can see it from over there. It's both sides.
- Joyce. - Who think this a bush?
Show of hands.
This is like original bush. You ain't never shave.
- This is like virgin... - Shut up.
- Curly curl-- - Shut the fuck up!
I'm sorry.
I mean, I was just joking, you know?
Take your bush, get your shit,
and get the fuck out.
You are fired.
But you said you didn't care about this stuff.
Like, you for real?
What I said was get the fuck out!
That's what I said. I said get the fuck out.
- Come on, Dawn - You want to be next?
Huh? Then get the fuck
- out of my face. - Aah!
- Dawn, your blood pressure.
I swear to fucking God, Karen.
I swear, if you make one more fucking sound,
one more sound...
- What-- - You better not breathe.
- What is happening-- - You better not breathe
and you better not talk. Shut the fuck up!
- I'm gonna... - Go!
I'm gonna...
All of you, you know what,
if you don't get out of my face, I will send you back
to the shitholes that I found you in.
Get out.
Sharon, get the fuck out. Kelly, bitch, get out.
Vanessa, get the fuck out. Marsha, get the fuck out.
Mm-mm-mm.
Can you believe?
Can you believe the level of disrespect from these people?
We wouldn't do you like that.
Not us. Three musketeers.
And for what it's worth, the pube thing...
sometimes I actually prefer--
- Aah! - Ooh!
- Congressman Harris?
Hi. Blair Pfaff.
You might remember me from such clumsy attempt at briberies
as earlier today. Ha.
I just wanted to apologize.
And now you have. Excuse me.
Uh, you're right.
Bank deregulation would benefit me greatly.
But that's precisely why it would
benefit the country even more.
It's trickle-down economics at its purest.
If you give me one hour,
I can give you 25 reasons why this'll make America great.
You have until I get to my door.
- Okay. - And we're there.
Uh, reason number one was going to be an icebreaker,
so let's jump to two.
Regulation stifles innovation.
Three through six were jokes, seven was a call back to one.
Eight requires a prop that I do not have.
So that takes out Nine, ten, and most of 11.
Twelve, do you know what time you were born?
It doesn't matter. Whatever you said,
I was gonna use your astrological sign
to get to Taurus, to get to Bull Market,
to get to 13.
International banks have far fewer regulations,
which puts the U.S. at a grave disadvantage.
Fourteenwas intermission. Time to go "pishin".
Welcome back. Would anyone like a snack?
Damn it, I forgot the snacks
with the props in my bag by the door.
- Fifteen-- - Ah, I found it.
- Uh, big finish, sir.
I am the only trader who predicted Black Monday.
So believe me when I say this is only the beginning
if we don't loosen our laws
to compete with foreign powers like Japan.
Otherwise, we might as well start calling the White House
the Yellow House.
Yeah.
I wasn't born in these Bruno Maglis.
I earned them.
So I guess my question for you is,
how'd you get yours?
You wouldn't be the first person
to point out hypocrisy in Washington.
Hmm.
So I take that as a yes?
That depends.
Wait.
I'm not gay.
- Neither am I. - Oh.
♪ melancholic music ♪
Hey, Joyce, uh, it's your girl, Dawn.
Um...just sorry about earlier.
I've been tripping. You know you're not fired.
So, um, call me back. Or I'll see you in the morning.
Bye.
Oh, wow.
Can you believe we have our own shop?
I know, right? Look at this place.
Ooh, I can't wait to put this sucker on the desk.
Mo Monroe. Founder, CEO, MO?
Why'd you put your name twice?
Oh, no, no. It wouldn't fit.
Ha! Boom!
Ohh...
Been waiting for this for so long.
Couldn't have done it without you, baby.
I'm so excited.
You know we gotta start hiring ASAP.
We got to find our first employee.
Oh, that would be you, right?
I mean, you're my number one employee, baby.
It's always gonna be you. Numero uno.
Employee? I'm your partner.
Yeah, uh, no. I--No.
You're-- you're my head trader.
I-- I thought you understood.
Dawn, I-I--
Come on, I raised the seed money.
I got the seat on the stock exchange.
- I don't deserve this. - Of course you do, baby.
- You're brilliant. - Mo, stop it, all right?
I mean, I thought we were partners.
You just said that you couldn't have done this without me.
Yeah.
Wow. I can't believe this.
You can't believe what?
That yesterday, you were a secretary,
and today, you're the first Black female head trader
on the Street?
Come on, Dawnie. That's a huge promotion.
I thought you'd be happy about this.
Look, if...
if you don't think this is fair,
you can shop the deal if you want, but...
where you gonna go?
♪ somber music ♪
Think about it.
Hey, Joyce, um...
I'm so sorry. I just...
I've been under just a ton of pressure.
You know, running this place, it's harder than I thought.
I mean, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I really--
I really understand where Mo was coming from.
All these years, you know, yeah, we could have done
with a lot less face screamings,
but, you know, he got shit done.
And...
I miss him.
Hello?
Hello!
Mo, Miami is the--
Keith, I'm on the fucking-- Shit!
Mo, Cubano?
South Beach Motor Inn. How can I help you?
Hello?
Oh, shit. Oh, my God.
I found you.
You son of a bitch, I found you.
♪ somber music ♪
♪ uneasy music ♪
Huh. Great news.
I think I got you exactly what you wanted.
- Revenge? - No.
Steak Diane and potatoes au gratin,
blended with a nice glass of Chateauneuf du Pape.
I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
Yes. Revenge, Lenny.
Revenge.
- Here, drink your steak.
You call that medium-rare?
♪ funky music ♪