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I just wanna be able to go out and have
a nice night for once. Is that too much to ask?
One thing I fuck up in the last nine years...
- One thing? - Yes, eight years in a row...
It's literally one of the most... - I got you a present!
Important things you have to remember in a relationship.
- That's not the right way it is literally.
- Ah, I know the difference between literal and figurative
language, Dave.
- You get something on me and you never let it go.
- Ohh!
- Come on, I knew it was your birthday.
- Cos you saw it on Facebook!
- That's how most people remember birthdays!
- I just want a little bit of respect, Dave.
- Why does everything have to be an argument?
- Why do you think?
- Well you're the one raising your voice!
- Because it's the only way I can be heard!
- Oh my God! - You're like a child, Dave!
- I'm like a child? - Yeah, you're like a child.
- You're the one shouting at me! You started shouting first.
I knew this was coming. There's a version of this...
- Oh, is it? - There's a version of
this where we've had a really lovely time together.
- Oh is it? Buy me a fuckin' present?
Maybe that would be a nice thing to do?
- Got me on the points! So that's enough! That's-
I didn't even need to hear the rest of what he said.
Dave, what are you actually fucking talking about?
Just because Stevie cooks one meal...
- Yeah?
- Doesn't mean suddenly we all have to know how to wash rice!
What are you fuckin' talking about?
I'm talking about it's a different thing.
It's not! Oh my God! Just be a fuckin' grown up!
I am being grown up!
- I'm spending all that money... - Just get what I asked.
- The pumpkin activated fucking quinoa stuff that's-
- Not that one! I need this one.
It's pumpkin and red lentil!
I just wanna take you home with me.
Yes I do.
- You're not!
- I was! I was sitting there like a fuckin" idiot!
I'm having a fucking panic attack right now!
No one was listening to me.
No one gave a fuck about what I had to say.
Listen! Dave, fucking listen to me!
No! I said no. No!
No!
Listen! Calm down!
Calm down! Listen!
Mate, you've gotta move on. Move on.
Mate, you've gotta move on. Come on. Get a move on.
Come on mate, pack up, get out of here.
I make an effort every day.
I'm making an effort right now, being here.
No you don't!
I've got you a present.
This is the first time.
I'll get you something next time.
No you don't! You fucking don't, Dave!
Get it yourself and wrap it up from me and say I gave it to ya.
Oh my God!
Well gosh, gee-golly-oh! I do love a good song.
I always love singing so much, Teddy.
- And I love singing with you, Frogsie!
Mummy says you're staying with us.
How long will you be here?
feel so much better now.
Go to school, Felix.
I've been to school.
What time is it?
It's Teddy McGiggle time.
Mc what?
- Where's your Mum? - At the shops.
If you're staying, does it mean we can hang out lots?
No.
Make me a coffee.
I can't make coffee, I'm five.
Do you wanna play with my toy tractor?
No. Look,
Uncle David hit Mummy's booze cabinet pretty hard
oh, fuck!
That's a bad word, Uncle David.
... the McGiggle dance! A one, two, three, go!
We're coming down under, kiddlywinks!
What's this Uncle David?
Pew pew pew pew!
Pew pew pew pew pew pew!
Pew pew pew pew!
What do you think you're doing?
Relax, he's really good at it.
Whoa! Whoa, what are you doing? You're not meant to
turn it off like that! You'll damage the hardware!
Don't expose him to that sort of violence.
It's not real!
That's not the point! He's five. What's wrong with you?
Come and help me unpack the shopping, fluffy duck.
We're having pizza for dinner.
Pizza? Thank fuck. I'm starving!
Oh, fuck off.
Could someone tell me what the fuck that is meant to be?
Dave! - Mummy, he did it again.
I will kick you out.
I don't care what you're going through.
What is that?
Tofu.
And this?
It's broccoli. It's a kind of vegetable.
And you like eating this?
Yes, and so does my tractor.
Where's the cheese?
I can't have cheese.
You know he can't have dairy. He's anaphylactic.
I'm allergic to fish, dairy, eggs, sesame, nuts and gluten.
No one's allergic to gluten. It's a fad.
Don't joke, Dave. It's a life-threatening condition.
Yeah, so is what I'm going through.
Oh, Boo Boo.
Why did you call him Boo Boo?
It's what I used to call your uncle when he was your age.
Boo Boo!
No, see, you don't get to call me that.
You call me Uncle David, Uncle Dave, D-Man or Big D.
Look, I had too much stuff going on with the band, alright?
I couldn't get tied down.
Miss Caroline plays the ukulele and we all sing
Taylor Swift songs.
Well you be sure to tell Miss Caroline that she can go and
suck a bag of dicks.
Dave!
Teddy McGiggle says to sing the Bad Word song when you hear
a grown-up say a bad word.
Do you wanna hear it?
No.
Tra la la la la la la
All Sara would ever go on about was having kids, okay?
That's why we fought all the time.
Dave, there are plenty of things to be scared of in this world,
but having a kid isn't one of them.
I came out of a test tube.
Yeah I know you did, Felix.
Dave, there is nothing that says you have to end up like Dad.
Felix, could you please tell your Mum that I'm now going to
go down to Domino's and get myself a proper cheese covered
pizza, with a side of gluten.
Mummy, Uncle David is...
You don't have to say it, Felix.
Your uncle isn't making good choices right now.
You know, when you get yourself a pair of big boy pants,
you realise there's more to life than tractors.
Fuckin' tractors!
Uncle David is so serious, isn't he Mummy?
Yes, my little fluffy duck, he is.
Quack!
So, do you remember where we're up to?
Where they got away from the witches.
That's right.
They're in Norway and they're safe at Grandma's house.
She was wearing a lace dress, and the lace kept tickling
my nose.
I had to rest my head on my front paws.
'Have you ever heard my heart humming away, Grandmama?'
I asked her.
'Often', she said. I hear it when you're
lying very close to me on the pillow at night.
The two of us remained silent in front of the fire for a long
time after that, thinking about these wonderful things.
'My darling', she said at last.
"Are you sure you don't mind being a mouse for the rest of
your life?'
'I don't mind at all, ' I said.
'It doesn't matter who you are or what you look like,
as long as somebody loves you.'
Felix, get up!
Felix, get up. I need your help.
So when you see her, you breathe as Darth Vader, and then you say
- Hello Aunty Sara, I am Darth Vader.
May the force be with us.
Do it properly, Felix.
When the mask is on, you remain in character.
Hello Aunty Sara, I am Darth Vader.
May the force be with us.
Yes! Daniel Day Lewis just came everywhere in his pants.
Okay, now, can you hold up the sign?
I'll come in and take care of the rest.
- Yes, Uncle David.
I mean, yes, Uncle David.
Alright.
Do it, Darth.
Aunty Sara.
Felix?
I am Darth Vader.
Felix, what are you doing here?
What? No!
What the fuck are you doing?
I live here!
Yeah, well who the fuck is that?
Rory.
That's Rory from work.
Oh, do me a favour and get Rory from work out of your vagina!
Don't go anywhere, Rory.
This is Dave?
Yeah, hi Rory, I'm Dave.
I'm Sara's boyfriend of nine fucking years.
Can you watch your language around the kid, please?
I am not a kid. I am Darth Vader!
May the force be with us.
Oh yeah. Yeah, you fucked up,
didn't you Sara because I was going to marry you.
I was possibly gonna give you a baby.
I even made this engagement ring out of a pipe cleaner I found
under Felix's bed.
No, you do this. You-
you say one thing, you never come through.
Hello! I was just about to!
I don't mean marriage and a baby, Dave.
I needed you to love me, and you're incapable of loving
anyone but yourself.
At least I'm not stuffing real estate agent dick in me
the first chance I get!
That's enough.
Oh, what are you gonna do?
You need to watch your language!
You need to stop having sex in front of kids!
Don't talk to Rory like that. Rory is more in touch
with his emotional self than you'll ever be.
The only thing Rory is in touch with is your slutty vagina.
Not cool.
Yeah? Not cool this, motherfuck...
Jesus! Argh! Argh! Oh God! Fuck!
That's it. Calm down!
- Yuck, your dick's on my arm! Your sweaty dick!
Shit man, shit! Okay! Come on easy, man! Easy easy!
You gonna behave yourself?
- Shit, there's a kid here, man! - Are we good now?
- Yes. - Yeah?
I'm sorry I had to resort to violence.
Fucking Rory!
Violence is never the answer.
If you only knew the power of the dark side.
Fucking I gave you the best years of my life.
You saw how much bush was thrown at me when I was in the band.
That was ten years ago.
Stop going on about the band. It's pathetic.
Yeah, well I never screwed anyone else.
I chose to be with you.
There is a big difference between being with someone and
being there for someone, Dave.
Mm.
I hope you grow up enough one day to realise that.
I don't need to do that. You do.
Fucking idiots.
Don't ever expect to see me back here again.
Felix.
I am not Felix, I am Darth Vader.
- Darth Vader, now!
I-I don't know.
Mummy!
I've been trying to call you. Where the hell have you been?
Uncle David took me to see Aunty Sara.
Yeah, and guess what Aunty Sara was doing when we got there?
Having sex with a real estate agent.
Hang on, what?
Yeah, I know!
You woke my son up so that he could go and see two people
having sex? - No, not specifically.
A naked man punched Uncle David in the nose 'cause Aunty Sara
has a slutty vagina.
I don't believe this.
I know, it's unbelievable.
I mean, how could she do this to me?
If you can't understand how incredibly inappropriate it is
to take your nephew out in the middle of the night, then you
can find somewhere else to stay.
What are you talking about?
He had a great time.
Look, he's Darth Vader!
I am your father, Mummy.
See, he's really good at it.
It's late.
I have a double shift tomorrow.
Get out of my house.
You're crying now?
Mummy, you said it's good to cry.
That's right.
Why can't Uncle David stay on the couch?
If you're gonna stay here then you have to start contributing.
Yeah.
Just put him to bed, now.
And you can take him to school tomorrow.
Can we play the shooty game, Uncle David?
I don't want us to get in trouble, Felix.
We'll have to play with the sound off.
I need to get to class early for Miss Caroline.
It's my turn to feed Neville.
Is Neville special needs?
Neville's the class guinea pig.
Hey Felix, what's for lunch today?
That's Max and Ashton.
They think I'm not strong because of what Mummy packs
me for food.
What fucking douche bags!
Max looks like he could use a few more tofu pizzas.
Max was the fat one, yeah?
What's a douche bag?
It's a small bag chicks use to irrigate their vaginas.
I hope you've got yummy broccoli today, Felix!
Was that retarded kid using irony to make fun of you?
Mickey has spina bifida.
You love broccoli!
Hi Felix.
Come on, this way!
Christ, Felix,
look at you slaying puss in the playground, huh?
Beth is my girlfriend.
Yeah, dog!
Treat em mean, keep em keen.
Good morning, Vivienne.
Fuck me, who is that?
Yes!
And, yes! Nice.
That's Miss Caroline.
Jesus!
Felix? Lucky last.
Sorry, Miss Caroline.
I can still feed Neville.
Max has already fed him.
Jeez, Nev'll be lucky to
have anything left with that kid around.
Quickly, put your bags on your hook and unpack crunch and sip.
Alright. Hey come on, mate, I'll give you a hand with that.
Hey hey!
Thank you.
I'm Dave. I'm Felix's uncle.
- Oh, Audrey.
Oh Miss Caroline, jeez, you are
just a beacon of positively in my little nephew's life.
Yeah, he talks about you all the time.
Apparently you slay Tay-Tay on the ukulele.
I don't know about that.
His Mum's going through a weird breakdowny thing at the moment.
Oh no! Really?
Yeah, it's bad.
I had no idea.
Yeah.
I hope Tess is okay.
Well thankfully for everyone, Uncle David is here to help.
Oh dear, he's asleep.
Yeah, I mean, what's going on with his Mum might
be affecting his rhythms.
Don't worry.
I'll give him some special attention today.
Miss Caroline, Miss Caroline!
Lucky boy!
Felix doesn't even have a Dad. He's a loser.
You know I don't really think of him as a nephew, I think of him
as a friend. My best friend.
I love kids.
What happened?
Someone hit me! It hurts!
- Let me see. - Oh no!
You are fine.
Okay quickly, sit back down so we can get started.
Brave little man.
Nice to meet you, David.
It is. It's so nice to meet you.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- Guess I'll see you later.
- Yeah.
See ya, Felix. Love you mate.
Felix!
Love you, matey. See ya.
Right, have fun.
One two three. Eyes on me!
One two! Eyes on you!
Okay, it's time to
Don't worry, Felix, I'll wait with you.
Miss Caroline!
Oh, hello David.
Hey.
You can call me Audrey.
Didn't think I was going to make it in time for pick up.
Had this crazy rehearsal.
I'm afraid he had a really rough day today.
Who did?
Felix.
Well it's a good thing my band's finished rehearsing for the day.
That's my band.
God's Sledgehammer?
That's right.
Is that a Christian band?
No.
It's more of a stadium rock slash death metal band.
Oh. Cause, I'm a Christian, so ah...
It is a Christian band.
I'm a Christian myself, actually.
Audrey?
- Oh, hey, Charlotte. - Oh, hello.
Beth's older brother is really sick.
- Oh no. - Oh, poor thing.
It's gastro, but I'm afraid I won't be able to chaperone the
excursion tomorrow. - Oh, of course.
A lot of my class is off sick with gastro as well.
I hope I'm not leaving you in the lurch.
Do you think you'll be able to find someone else?
Hey, that's me! I'm someone else.
Where are we going, Miss Caroline?
Mum, the force isn't working.
Okay, so we take it out of this.
Then you take you the blue safety cap off and you push the
other end in here.
So it's blue in the sky, orange in the thigh.
Orange in the thigh!
Yeah, I'm serious. Blue in the sky...
Orange in the thigh. I've got it, don't worry.
He'll be fine.
I'm actually looking forward to spending some quality time with
my little Lord Vader.
Can I bring this tomorrow, Uncle David?
And that's the only reason you want to go on
this excursion tomorrow?
Yeah, what other reason would there be?
The one that teaches his kindy class.
Miss Caroline? Come on.
Every Dad has tried to make a pass at her.
Well she's a Christian.
I'm in a stadium rock slash death metal band.
How's that gonna work?
Mummy, I nearly had it.
I was trying to understand why you would so readily
volunteer for something that sounds like your
worst nightmare.
Maybe it's because I'm actually a good person.
God, is that such a crazy idea?
Fuck me. Jesus! Fuck!
And louder now.
Yes! Good job, guys.
Hey, how long till we get going again?
I'm still working on it.
Sing 'Shake It Off' again!
Yeah!!
No! Sing something else!
I think we've all had enough of Taylor Swift right now, guys.
Can you sing another song, Miss Caroline?
Well actually there's somebody on this bus who is a
professional singer.
Who knows what the word professional means?
Beth?
It means it's your proper job and you get paid money.
- Very good, Beth. You become a professional when you're
so good at something that you get paid to do it.
I am a professional kindergarten teacher.
And David is a professional singer.
Isn't that right, David?
Ah, that's correct.
Yes, I am a professional singer-songwriter-guitarist.
Maybe, if we all nicely ask David he'll come to the front
of the bus and sing us all a song.
What do you think, guys?
- Yeah! - Yes!
- Please! Please!
- Louder! Louder!
- No no no, I'm not prepared.
I'm not... - Come on!
Okay then. Right! Right, one song.
Now sit down and be quiet so he can play.
Ehm-Hi guys.
Ehm-My name's David.
I'm Felix's uncle and I'm also the lead singer
slash frontman of my band, God's Sledgehammer.
Oh, and let's not forget what Leviticus teaches us.
If anyone curses their mother or their father,
they must be put to death.
That's in the bible. That's actually there.
God wrote that.
Ehm-This is one of my slower ditties.
Ehm-A ballad, if you will.
Might be a little much for everyone, you know?
Yeah...
Bus is fixed.
Next stop, Pleasant Valley.
Oh, thank God! Yes!
Clap for David.
- Section 19 clear. - Section 19.
What's the point in flying seventeen hours on a
plane to work in a country we're not even allowed to see?
- Section 12 clear. - Section 12.
This country's insane. Do you realise how
many animals they have here that can kill you?
Listen to this.
The funnel web spider is the world's nastiest arachnid.
The venom from this hairy spider's massive fangs attacks
a person's nervous system, leading to death.
The red-bellied black snake can grow up to seven feet long.
Section 15 clear.
The venom from its bite can cause skin cells to decay
along with kidney failure leading to death.
There is no known antivenom for the box jellyfish which is
present throughout coastal waters of Australia.
The sting instantly leads to necrosis and random muscle
spasms and finally, cardiac arrest.
Still, if I get flown back home without a koala bear,
I'm gonna be pretty upset.
Jesus, one of them's free!
Back away from the body with your hands on your head!
Patrol to Control Room.
Project regeneration test subject has escaped.
Containment breach and casualty in Section 24.
Containment breach and casualty in Section 24!
We have a large-scale breach at Section 25.
Immediate lockdown.
Wait here! I'll secure the door.
Immediate lockdown.
Hey wait, should I call for back up or...
What the fuck!
Get off me!
Get off!
My ear!
So it's 600 feet back down the road.
Yeah.
] Mini-Golf! Mini-Golf.
This is not the petting zoo.
This is a US military facility, do you understand me?
Yeah?
Full code red.
I repeat, this is a full code red alert. All personnel...
Shit! Jimmy, open the gate!
Open the gate!
Open the goddamn gate!
Close the gate! Close the gate!
And our first rule is be safe,
which means remember the dangers
of touching and tasting things we don't recognize.
Our rhyme: We can see, we can smell, we can hear...
Oh my gosh! Uncle David! Teddy McGiggle!
It's Teddy McGiggle!
What? Oh my word!
Argh!
Teddy McGiggle! Yeah!
Hi-ho kiddlywinks!
Hi ho, Teddy!
Hi ho, Frogsie!
Well, aren't we having a super-fun time on our
trip down under!
We've swam with the fish in the Great Barrier Reef.
We've climbed to the top of the Harbour Bridge.
And today, today we are visiting the Pleasant Valley Farm
to meet and learn about all the cute Australian animals.
I wanna cuddle from a koala!
I bet you do, Frogsie!
Look at the big crowd that's come out here to say hello to us
and hello to you!
What's your name, ya big bundle of sunshine?
Come on over here.
Why don't you guys let the beautiful yellow lady
come on through.
What's your name, little lady?
Miss Caroline. But my friends call me Audrey.
My kids call me Miss Caroline.
Not my kids kids. My students.
They call me Miss Caroline.
Well, that is a beautiful origin story if I've ever heard one.
All I know is, your kiddlywinks sure are lucky to have a teacher
as pretty as you, Miss Caroline.
Well I wanna give Miss Caroline a cuddle!
I bet ya do, Frogsie!
What do you guys say we do the McGiggle Dance?
Yeah!!
What do you say we do the McGiggle Dance
and get this party started!
Yeah!!
Excellent job, everybody.
Settle down there, kiddlywinks.
There's more than enough Teddy to go around.
Remember to be nice and gentle.
Rock on, man.
Nice, man!
Yeah, do you wanna come up?
All the way up to your ear.
Do it one more time, one more time.
All the way up to your ear.
Everyone's watching. No pressure.
Yeah, rock on, idiot.
What did we learn? Yes, Felix.
We've got a full breach here! A full breach!
Somebody get up here and help me!
They're escaping from the complex!
Get up here now!
Now! Now!
One, two, three. Eyes on me.
On two. Eyes on you!
We clean up and then we get to meet Kimby again.
She's going to take us on a special ride and then when we
get back to the farm, there'll be a surprise waiting for us.
Is it putt-putt golf?
Are we gonna play putt-putt golf?
I said it was a surprise.
I'm going to count backwards from ten.
By the time I get to one, I want you all in a line
in front of me. And away we go. Ten!
Nine!
- Miss Caroline can we... - David, just call me Audrey.
Eight!
- Yeah, I feel like I haven't been helping enough.
- Seven! - Can I get more involved?
Six! Yeah, you can help Kim with the rubbish.
Five!
Rubbish? Wait, are you married?
No. Four!
Oh, not yet. That's my engagement ring.
Three!
You're with a guy?
My fiance, Ian, yes.
Two!
And one!
Very good. Okay, let's go.
Okay, who's excited about the surprise?
Bye bye rubbish!
Welcome everyone to the
Pleasant Valley Farm experience.
Who wants to see some sheep?
Yeah!!
Well that's lucky, because you're about to meet Pleasant
Valley's flock of resident mammals.
Isn't the tractor amazing, Uncle David?
Even though sheep aren't native to Australia,
we certainly do have a lot of them.
- Where are the sheep? - I can't see any.
They're usually around here.
They must be hiding.
I've just gotta check on something ahead.
Sorry we haven't seen any sheep yet, kiddies.
What is it, Miss Caroline?
I don't know, Kim. Must be something in the way.
Maybe it's your Dad, Felix.
No it isn't.
Yeah Max.
For all we know, you don't have a Dad either.
I've never seen any evidence of him when I'm visiting your Mum.
Do you know my Mum?
Ah-ha.
Okay. David, may I have a word with you, please?
Hey!
What are you doin' to our sheep, mate?
Look, I don't know what's going on with you right now but
that kind of behaviour is unacceptable.
- Well Max started it! - Max is five years old.
And if you can't use appropriate language with a five-year-old
I'm going to have to ask you to disembark the tractor train and
wait for us back at the bus.
Fucking hell! Fuck!
Fuck!
Kimby!
Bad word, bad word!
Kimby, this kind of behaviour...
Oh God!
David! Start the tractor!
Why do you get to drive the tractor, Uncle David?
Miss Caroline! I'm coming!
Push the clutch pedal down.
Where?
The clutch pedal is on the left. The brake is on the other side.
Like this?
Have you got the parking brake off, Uncle David?
I don't know!
The parking brake is that side too.
Why do you know so much about tractors?
I love tractors.
Oh Jesus!
Are you okay Miss Caroline?
Just, ah, having a chat to Kimby.
Oh shit!
- What do I do? - Just keep driving!
Miss Caroline, are you okay?
Yes.
Rightio!
You remember this one, right?
Who knows what unpredictable means?
Don't be scared. Don't be scared.
This is the surprise I was talking about.
David, why are you stopping?
Because the road is blocked.
I don't know how to explain what I'm seeing.
Okay.
One, two, three, eyes on me.
One, two, eyes on you'!
Who remembers how to play tag?
Good. Well, those funny looking people out there are it.
How do I go backwards?
And we don't want to let the funny people touch us.
- Look! Isn't she good at it! - Yeah!
I'm gonna need you to stick together in a line.
So quick sticks!
Ready, steady Conga!
Conga?
] Conga, conga, conga!
Conga, conga, conga!
This way, kiddies!
He almost stabbed you!
Yeah, didn't get me though!
This way to the bus, kids.
Old MacDonald had a farm Ee-eye-ee-eye-oh!
Watch out, Dave!
Look! Ducks!
There's the bus!
We're almost there.
On!
They're in the bus! Don't come this way!
Okay, change of plan.
It's locked!
Go away!
Open the door! Teddy McGiggle, it's me!
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I didn't see you there!
But see the problem is I was here first,
so you gotta go fuck yourself.
Bad word!
We have kids out here!
Oh! Oh my God! I don't give a shit.
You can't leave the kids out here!
Unlock the door! - Unlock my dick!
This way.
Oh! Look.
Okay, who wants to be a wiggle worm?
- What the fuck are you doing? Get them away from here!
- In you go. Nice and safe. Nice and safe.
Hey! He's meals on wheels! Leave him!
And down you go.
Hey! Get her to stop doing that!
Open the door!
- You're leading them all over here!
- Are you serious? Those little fuckers can all die!
What the hell is wrong with you?
You're both being real cocks right now.
Miss Caroline! Help!
Miss Caroline!
Let us in, please!
No, you're not coming in. Go away.
Wait, what is that?
Who's on my roof?
Just stop it!
Get the fuck off of it!
You bring those bastards here, I'll fucking kill you!
What are you doing?
What the... Jesus!
I'm gonna make you eat my dick!
Bad word, bad word.
Cos you said a bad word.
Now we all have to sing-
Come here you pretty little chubby princess!
I'm gonna bash this on your head, you fat fucking monkey.
You're a fucking psycho.
- Get away from that door, boy genius.
Shit.
My face!
No!
- Hey! - Hi, Uncle David.
Attention all units.
Reinforcements have arrived.
Set up a perimeter.
Door's secure.
Still no signal, though.
Miss Caroline! Miss Caroline!
Max, that's not safe.
Put it back where you found it.
There's no landline, either.
This is fun.
It is a bit scary.
- It's meant to be scary. It's part of the game.
And you know what?
We all just won first level.
Yes.
How many more levels will there be?
Mmm, Max!
When will we play putt-putt golf?
Later.
Kim?
What's wrong with Teddy McGiggle?
Teddy McGiggle is just not happy because we're winning.
Nobody's coming for us. We're all gonna die.
Are we gonna die, Miss Caroline?
No, of course not.
My job is to keep you safe. That's what I'll do.
Where's Frogsie?
Frogsie didn't make it.
I need you to calm down, Teddy McGiggle.
Don't you dare tell me what to do.
Those things out there, they ate my cameraman.
They ate him.
And not just them.
Little dead-eyed kids.
The children of the corn.
And if they don't eat you you get bit,
and then you become one of them.
They're zombies.
Like in the shooty game?
Like in the shooty game! Can you tell us what the
zombies do in the shooty game please, Felix?
Well if you make noise, they hear you.
They walk around and try to bite you and the only way you
can stop them is by shooting them in the face with your
shooty gun or chopping their heads off.
Okay, but are the zombies real?
No, it's just a game.
But Uncle David lets me play it when my Mum"s asleep.
Well, there you go.
The zombies are not real.
Like fuck they're not!
The Easter bunny isn't fucking real!
Father fucking Christmas isn't real!
These inquisitive dead-eyed fucking faces are real!
Bad word, bad word Cos you said a bad thing!
Shut the fuck up!
Teddy McGiggle's gonna fill you guys in
on some fast-breaking news. Bad word song?
That existed at a time when people weren't having their
faces ripped off by motherfucking zombies.
Fuckity fuck fuck!
Fuck! You fucking little duckies.
Teddy just needs a cuddle.
Come! Let's have a word.
I don't want a cuddle.
Okay, you're going to change that attitude right now.
Fucking zombies.
This is not a negotiation.
Hey guys, who's hungry?
Yeah!
Yeah? Okay. Well come get some.
Here you go, mate.
Are these okay, Uncle David?
Yeah.
Why is Teddy McGiggle crying?
I'm a celebrity!
No, you're a liability.
I have no idea what we're all dealing with here, but my only
responsibility is for these children's safety.
If they are put in danger by anyone outside or inside this
souvenir kiosk my job is to remove that danger.
I'm not going to let these children be traumatised by
having them think a zombie is going to eat them alive.
So right at this very moment, these children believe they're
in the middle of a game.
A fun, harmless game.
So if you don't turn that frown upside down then so help me God
I am going to drag you out by that stupid bow tie and watch
them rip you apart.
Do I make myself clear?
Let me hear you say it's a game, so loud they can hear.
It's a game.
In the voice, you moron.
It's a game! This is a game!
Do the laugh.
I don't want to.
Do the laugh.
And stop fucking swearing.
You can consider this the naughty corner.
You okay?
Cough it up, mate.
Cough it up.
What did you eat, Felix?
It's anaphylaxis.
No. No, they're just chips.
They'd have dairy in them.
Who the fuck puts milk in chips?
Just breathe, okay?
What do we do?
My bumbag.
The Adrenipen was in my bumbag.
I've got one. I've got one. I've got one.
- Give... - I can do it. I can do it.
Okay. Okay kids.
Don't worry, Felix just needs some room, okay?
Here we go.
Orange in the sky, blue in the thigh.
Owww
What?
No no, it's fine. Here...
No, you can't re-insert it.
No. No!
There's a spare. Tess packs a spare.
Where is it?
It's-it's- It's in his backpack.
I'll go get it. I'll go get it.
Don't leave.
Okay kids.
No no no, I'm right here, bud. I'm right here.
Listen very carefully.
I need you to stay here with David.
Holds hands and don't let go until I get back, okay?
Breathe.
You'll be alright.
Get them to stop the game, Miss Caroline!
Don't worry about it.
I'll just pop right up and let them know, okay?
Breathe! You're right, mate.
You'll be alright.
Here we go.
And breathing.
Just try to breathe, mate. Please.
Keep breathing.
We get through this, you can dress up as Darth Vader and
play the shooty game as much as you want.
I don't care what your Mum says.
You!
Oh!!
Guys, what do we do when we're scared?
What's a song we can sing?
What's his favourite song?
Shake It Off.
Shake It Off? Well how's it start?
Beth, can you sing it for him?
I stay up too late
Got nothin' in my...
Typical.
Oh yes! Quick.
Is that it?
Here we go, mate.
Oh here we go. Here we go.
Yes.
Did it work?
Well?
Oh God!
Thank you, Miss Caroline.
It's my job.
And you've got to call me Audrey.
Oh.
Oohh!
Oh. I-got caught in the middle of a jam fight!
Covered in strawberry jam.
Don't taste it, okay?
What jam?
Felix will be fine.
Yeah!!
Stop screaming!
Wait a sec. Just shut up!
What is that noise?
That's a helicopter!
They've come to get me!
Get out of my way!
- What the... - Oh! I'm coming!
They've found me!
Hey! Hey! Hey!
It's me!
I need help here!
Fuck! Oh fuck!
Oh fuck!
Shit!
Fuck!
Open up! Hey! Can you open the door?
I'm sorry about what happened before,
but you get the fuck over here!
Please!
I'm just scared.
Open the door!
You're being a bad teacher!
Fuck your teaching method!
This is a terrible example you're setting!
Teddy! Come on!
- Help! - Come on!
- Help me! - Give me your hand!
- Please! - Come on.
Quick, man.
Oh, this is all my fault.
God is punishing me.
Wait, what do you mean?
I've been bad, man.
I've been really fuckin' bad.
I'm sure we've all done things we regret.
I fucked a shit tonne of moms.
We're talking thousands.
Thousands.
I was doing my first public appearance and this sweet little
single mom came up to me after the autograph signing.
She was so fuckin' beautiful and I went down on her pussy in a
south coast plaza disabled toilet.
And then it was just on.
I took whoever I could get.
Single moms, married moms, pregnant moms, white moms,
black moms, dyke moms.
Jews.
My nephew almost died...
I studied at the Actors Studio.
I learnt Meisner from Pacino.
Al.
You think I wanted to be in a polka dot suit
for the rest of my life?
I fuckin' hate those little kiddlywinks.
Fucking the shit out of their moms was the only thing that
made it better.
Until it didn't.
You realise that you're only doing it-
Look at me.
You realise that you're only doing it
because you're dead inside.
And it's the only thing that's keeping you
from killing yourself.
I'm Dave.
Teddy McGiggle isn't even my real name.
It's Nathan.
Nathan McGiggle?
Nathan Schneider.
Oh.
What is that awful smell?
It's me, man. I was lying.
I was gonna blame you but I can't.
I shit my pants.
Oh God!
I did it.
Oh no!
Sir, this could be helpful.
Aerial reconnaissance confirms all of the infected are
congregated here. I would advise you drop the bomb on the-
Pleasant Valley souvenir store.
Sweet dreams, duckies.
Goodnight.
Yes, Mickey?
Miss Caroline, is there anything to eat?
I'm afraid you ate the last of the chips.
I have tofu snacks if you want them, Mickey.
Yuck.
When are we going to play putt-putt golf, Miss Caroline?
Certainly not now.
Go to sleep.
This is ridiculous.
What's the US military even doing here?
Excuse me!
My son is inside!
Why won't you let us through?
I'm gonna try him again.
Okay.
Got kangaroo, platypus, echidna,
wombat, dingo.
Lieutenant, sir, why are we here?
It's zombies again.
Fast ones or slow ones, sir?
Slow. We need to contain the infection,
so shoot anything that moves.
Thank God they're slow.
Hm-mm.
Hey, this is Dave. Just leave a message.
Dave, I'm here. I'm nearby.
They won't let me past to where you are and they
won't tell us anything.
If you get this message could you please tell Felix
that Mummy loves him.
Dave, please look after him.
Hey.
You okay, mate?
Yes, but Beth is a bit frightened.
My Mum puts me to bed.
Well we're going to see your Mum tomorrow.
I'm scared.
My Mummy made up a special rhyme to help me go to sleep.
Do you wanna hear it?
Now the day is over And I'm in bed rugged up tight
I hope these little monsters Won't get me in the night
If I say this little rhyme I'll try put up a fight
But they won't come and get me No they won't give me a fright
Little monsters, go away Little monsters...
Oh, I think we need Beth to help with this bit, yeah?
Hey Beth, when I point at you can you say 'go away'?
Go away?
Yeah, exactly like that, yeah.
Okay, let's start again.
Little monsters you can't stay
I don't want to see your little claws
I don't wanna hear your little roars
- Little monsters - Go away.
Come back and see me in the day
We can have a little party And eat cake and tea and play
But we all must get a proper sleep So little monsters
please... - Go away!
That's it. That's exactly it.
You reckon you can sleep now?
- Mm-mm. - Yeah? Okay.
How did you know the rhyme, Uncle David?
Well, your Mum used to sing it to me before I went to sleep.
Back when I was Boo-Boo.
Boo-Boo.
Boo-Boo, yeah.
You wanna get some rest, mate?
Goodnight, Uncle David.
Night, mate.
Oh God.
Sorry I've been swearing so much, Audrey.
It's fine, David.
I'm fucking terrified too.
I just need them to feel like the adults are in control,
you know?
How do you do it?
Do what?
Be a superhero?
Not quite.
Do you want kids?
My girlfriend and I just split.
Yeah, I caught her with someone else.
Oh.
That's awful.
You see it wasn't her fault.
I left first.
She wanted a baby, I didn't.
How come?
I told her I didn't want it to get in the way of my band.
Was that not the reason?
Felix's Mum reckons I might be frightened of being a father.
See, our Dad left when I was about Felix's age.
Started another family. Left Tess and I with Mum.
But Mum fell apart.
Like really fell apart.
We spent our holidays in psych wards.
I'm so sorry.
Yeah.
Tess looked after me.
I couldn't see that at the time, though.
I was too angry at everyone.
I never thanked her.
I'm sure you won't end up like your father, David.
The man in between Waits between the two
Not hearing the lie Not seeing the true
Unknowing what is And denying what seems
And there he will sleep The man in between.
Wow. Is that Gandhi?
No, Neil Diamond.
You like Neil Diamond?
I love Neil Diamond.
Oh.
You may think I'm a superhero but when I was eighteen,
I was heading down a really bad path.
I started following this band around.
I used the money my parents had put away for my education
and I followed them here.
Whoa.
I chased them all around Australia and I break into one
of their hotel rooms in Perth.
I was just so determined to meet one of them in person.
I would have let them do anything to me.
Well, what happened?
Well, Taylor walked into the room and called security
right away.
Hang on, wait.
Swift?
No!
Taylor Hanson.
Sorry, I thought I said who they were.
Taylor Hanson?
Yeah. Taylor Hanson.
From Hanson.
Hanson the band?
- Yes. - Mmmbop?
Mmmbop.
Mmm.
Okay.
I begged him not to call security but
he didn't even hesitate.
I didn't know what to do, so I jumped out the window.
Shit.
But thank God an awning broke my fall and all I broke
was my collarbone.
So there I was in a foreign country, in a sling.
No parents, no money.
And then a wonderful thing happened.
I got a job helping out at the school to help pay my medical
bills and get back home.
And working with kids-
standing in front of them,
looking at me with no judgement.
They trusted me even
when I didn't particularly trust myself.
I started to believe in myself again, you know?
Learn to step up.
And now I can't imagine doing anything else.
Are you and Ian gonna have kids?
I'm afraid Ian and I have not been together for a long time.
He was cheating on me, with someone from his work.
Why do you still wear the ring?
Stops fathers from hitting on me in the playground.
I know it's bad to lie, but you'd be surprised
how crude men can be.
My band broke up six years ago.
God's Sledgehammer fell apart when my bandmates quit.
And I'm not really Christian.
Anything else you'd lied about?
No, I think that pretty much covers it.
Okay, good.
Otherwise I'd have to put you in the naughty corner.
- Uh-oh. - Okay.
Why don't I stay up on watch?
No no, you need sleep more than anyone.
I'll step up.
Okay.
Goodnight.
All unit command, all unit command.
In order to ensure total annihilation of the infected we
will proceed with Operation Hailstorm in T-minus one hour.
I've got an idea to get us out of here.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No.
I'm not going anywhere.
You wanna know why?
Because I'm the Nickelodeon Kids Choice favourite global
television presenter five years running, that's why.
You wanna know what that means?
That means, to the layman, I'm a huge fucking deal.
Someone will notice that I'm missing, sound the alarm and
come and get me.
We can't stay here indefinitely.
We're as good as dead if we stay here. There's no food.
We'll eat one of the kids.
I hope you're joking.
Look, Teddy, all we need for you to do is make a distraction
while I make a run for the tractor train.
I drive it to the front door.
We load everyone up and we drive out of here.
Oh, you're fucked in the head, fatso.
Why can't you go?
I'm not leaving the children alone with you.
If your big idea is to drive in a tractor designed to pull
fuck-monkeys around a farm then you're bigger idiots than
I thought and I thought you were both the stupidest people
I've ever met.
What would you suggest?
The McGiggle Mobile.
What?
Are you fucking deaf?
I said in a loud whisper the McGiggle Mobile.
What's the McGiggle Mobile?
It's my bright red car, you fucking cunt.
I travel around the world in it, making memories and sharing
those memories with children all over the country.
Many countries.
Why is that better?
The McGiggle Mobile has a flap in the roof.
The Frogsie flap.
We drive the car around, the kiddlywinks jump into the
McGiggle Mobile through the Frogsie flap
and we drive the fuck out of here.
Who's got the keys?
That actually could work.
Great idea, Teddy.
Great enough for a blowjob?
I'm a sex addict.
Hey, listen.
Be careful, okay?
Oww!! Goddammit!
Aahh!!
Are you okay, Teddy?
Did it look like I'm okay, you shithead?
Miss Caroline! Miss Caroline!
- Miss Caroline, I'm hungry.
- I know.
Miss Caroline, I don't want to play this game anymore.
It makes no sense and the zombies look fake.
Miss Caroline, when are we gonna play putt-putt golf?
Yo! Douche bag!
Are we gonna do this thing or what?
What's a douche bag?
It's a small bag that ladies use to irrigate their vaginas.
One, two, three. Eyes on me!
One, two Eyes on you!
Oh Jesus.
That's you!
Come on kids, I need your help!
Sing it with me.
Yeah!
I love Neil Diamond too.
I just wasn't ready to admit it until now.
Uncle David?
Hey, buddy.
I'm just ducking out for a bit, okay mate?
Where are you going?
I'm gonna get us out of here.
Is this still all part of the game?
Yeah.
Yeah, of course it is.
Miss Caroline's going to keep you safe.
You do whatever she tells you to, okay?
She's my teacher.
I have to do that.
You're an amazing boy.
Don't let anyone ever tell you you're not strong.
You're the strongest, bravest person I've ever met.
Why are you telling me this?
Cos you're awesome.
Give me a cuddle.
Okay.
Hey kids, who wants a ride in the McGiggle Mobile?
Yeah!
See you soon, kiddlywinks!
I see the McGiggle Mobile.
I can't do this.
I'm a celebrity.
You wanna make up for all the bad things you've done?
All those mums you've fucked?
If Pacino were here, what would he say?
He'd encourage me to magnify and intensify my connection to
the material by understanding my character's
emotional experience.
Well do that.
Do it for Pacino.
I'll distract them.
I'll see you at the McGiggle Mobile.
Hey!
Hey! Yes! Yes!
Yes!
Fuck!
Hey!
Yes!
Hey!
Over here!
For Pacino.
Yes!
Aaahhh!!
Well hi-ho, kiddlywinks.
Fuck!
I fucked your Mom!
I fucked your Mom.
You?
Oh, I fucked your Mom.
Oh my ass!
How do you like it, huh?
Oh God, what have I done?
Oh, shit!
Yes!
Fuck.
It's locked.
Open the door!
Open the fucking door.
Open the fucking door!
Fuck.
Open the fucking door, Nathan.
Fuck!
Help me!
I hope you die!
What's happening, Miss Caroline?
Your Uncle David is at the McGiggle Mobile.
Tess!
Dave! Oh God, where are you?
We're at the farm.
Miss Caroline and the kids are here.
Felix?
Yeah, he's with her.
Listen, you need to send someone in to get us!
Okay, the military have blocked off the road but they
won't let us through. We're not far from you.
Why aren't you with Felix? Are you okay?
Look, Tess, I need to tell you something.
It's really important and I should have done it
a long time ago.
Look, thank you.
What?
You stepped up.
You always took care of me when things went to shit with Mum.
I don't know what I would have done without you.
Thank you, sis.
I've tried to repay you but I'm pretty sure I've just fucked it.
No! Fuck!
Stupid fucking frog!
Boo-Boo?
Let's go! Move it out!
Miss Caroline, when will we play putt-putt golf?
Not now, Max.
No! I wanna play putt-putt golf now!
Max. Max!
I'm not-I'm not going to talk to you on that level.
Wait. Max? Stop it right now.
- Max, listen to me. You have to...
- Miss Caroline! - Beth, I'm speaking.
- Miss Caroline, Miss Caroline! - What is it, Beth?
Felix is gone!
Pew pew pew, pew pew pew!
Bzz bzz bzz.
Hi, Uncle David!
Felix!
I'm on the tractor!
Whoopsie!
Felix! Felix!
Here, Uncle David!
Uncle David, over here!
Yes! I told you you were the bravest person
I'd ever met, yeah?
The clutch is on the left.
Stay in character.
The clutch is on the left.
It doesn't matter if we don't win the game, Miss Caroline.
Felix did it!
I used my putter as a shooty gun. Pew pew pew..
There's heaps of them out there, though.
We've gotta go!
One, two, three Eyes on me!
One, two Eyes on you!
Who wants to play putt-putt golf?
Careful, duckies! Watch out!
Go, Max! Go, Max! Go Max! Go Max!
On their head, yes! Whack him! Yes!
Get him! Get him!
Good!
- You did it! - Ha ha, suck you guys!
Okay, sit down now.
Good boy.
I spoke to Tess!
She said there's military along the road!
We just have to make it there.
- Thank you.
Okay.
Okay. Remember this one?
Sing with me now.
Yeah!!
Miss Caroline!
Hooray...
Hooray!!
Hooray...
Hooray!!
Let's go!
Move move move move move!
Waiting for confirmation we engage Hailstorm.
Target is T minus sixty seconds.
Hey! - Sir, what is it?
Looks like we've got some survivors.
They could be infected.
Hey!
How many are there?
There's at least two.
One man driving a tractor and a woman playing a small guitar.
Sir, that's a ukulele sir!
Well whatever it is they're gonna be obliterated.
Okay, let's bring'em closer.
Everyone hold position.
Let us through!
Wait for my command!
Is that singing?
Who would be singing?
Well maybe it's the zombies, sir.
Zombies don't sing.
We've got tiny children!
Did he just say kids?
Yes sir.
Kids.
Goddammit!
Sir?
I can't shoot kids.
Again.
Sir!
That's against protocol, sir!
Alright, let'em through! Let'em through!
Hey! It's music!
They're harmless when you play music!
Oh, you've just gotta sing them a song!
Sing them a song!
Open fire!
It's okay!
Okay, you... you only... okay, no no no!
Wait, wait! Okay, only one at a time.
Engage Hailstorm.
I'm sorry, I...
Whoo!!
Fireworks, everyone.
Hey! Hey! Put them down!
What are you doing?
- Put them down! - Hey man!
Felix, it's fine!
Jesus Christ!
Keep'em all together.
Is this the good news room or the bad news room?
Good news room, sir.
Alright!
Everyone needs to stop yelling.
Where are our children?
Every class member is safe and accounted for.
Can someone please tell us what's happened to them?
Your children got caught up in a situation.
Well what the hell does that mean?
I can't go into specifics.
But what I can say is it could have been a lot worse if it
weren't for the actions of their teachers.
But they only have one teacher.
Miss Caroline.
Yeah, Audrey Caroline and David...
- Anderson. - Anderson.
That's my brother. That's Felix's uncle.
Well, Miss Caroline and Mr. Anderson managed to protect
your children in a potentially lethal situation for which
there is no precedent.
I'm still not quite sure how they did it.
They're currently in quarantine and we will need to monitor them
for the next forty-eight hours.
They're okay?
They must be terrified.
Oh, I wouldn't worry about that.
Hi, Mummy!
Hi Daddy!