SARA: I just want to be able to go out
and have a nice night for once. Is that too much to ask?
DAVE: One thing I fuck up in the last nine years.
SARA: One thing? DAVE: Eight years in a row...
SARA: It's literally the most important things
you have to remember in a relationship.
DAVE: That's not the right way to use "literally".
SARA: Uh, I know the difference
between literal and figurative language, Dave!
DAVE: You get something on me and never let it go.
Come on! I knew it was your birthday!
SARA: 'Cause you saw it on Facebook!
DAVE: That's how most people remember birthdays!
SARA: I just want a little bit of respect, Dave.
DAVE: Why does everything have to be an argument?
SARA: Why do you think?! DAVE: You're the one raising your voice!
SARA: 'Cause it's the only way I can be heard!
You're like a child! DAVE: I'm like a child?
SARA: Yeah, you're like a child!
DAVE: You're the one shouting at me! You started shouting first!
- I knew this was coming. - Not one present!
There's a version of this... there's a version of this
where we've had a really lovely time together.
Just buy me a fucking present.
Maybe that would be a nice thing to do.
[both continue shouting]
♪ upbeat jazz music ♪
Just because Stevie cooks one meal... SARA: Yeah?
...doesn't mean suddenly we all have to know how to wash rice!
What are you fucking talking about, Dave?!
DAVE: I'm talking about it's a different thing!
Oh, my God! It's about being a fucking grown-up!
I am being a grown-up! Have a look!
[feedback screeches]
SARA: Just get what I asked you!
- ...and pumpkin activated... - Just get what I asked you!
- ...fucking quinoa-stuffed... - Not that one! I need this one!
It's pumpkin and red lentil!
I just want to take you home with me. Yes, I do.
[both shout over one another]
SARA [screaming]: Listen! Dave!
Fucking listen to me!
No! I said no. No!
No! Listen.
Calm down! Calm down! Listen!
[plays tuneless noise]
Mate, move on. Move on.
Mate, you've got to move on. Come on. Get a move on.
- Pack it up, get out of here. - What are you doing?
- I make an effort every day! - Dave... You don't even...
I'm making an effort right now being here!
[shouting continues]
DAVE: I'll get you something next week!
You don't! You fucking don't, Dave!
Get yourself a present, wrap it up from me! See if I care!
Oh, my God!
♪ jazzy music continues ♪
- [no audio] - ♪ gentle piano music ♪
[plays distorted chord]
TEDDY MCGIGGLE: Well, gosh, gee, golly-o!
I do love a good song, Frogsie!
[Dave snoring] FROGSIE: I love singing so much, Teddy!
TEDDY: And I love singing with you, Frogsie!
[snores]
Mommy says you're staying with us.
How long will you be here?
[coughs] Go to school, Felix.
I've been to school.
What time is it?
It's Teddy McGiggle time.
Mc... What?! Where's your mom?
At the shops.
If you're staying, does that mean we can hang out lots?
No. Make me a coffee.
[scoffs] I can't make coffee. I'm five.
Do you want to play with my toy tractor?
No.
Look, Uncle David hit Mommy's booze cabinet pretty hard.
Ohh, fuck!
That's a bad word, Uncle David.
TEDDY: The McGiggle dance!
A-one, two, three, go!
[silly laughter]
We're coming down under, kiddlywinks!
What's this, Uncle David?
[loud gunfire] FELIX: Pew, pew! Pew! Pew!
[enemies scream] - Pew! Pew! Pew!
Pew, pew! Pew, pew! Pew! Pew! Pew!
Pew, pew, pew, pew! Pew, pew!
What do you think you're doing?
DAVE: Relax. He's really good at it.
Whoa! What are you doing?!
You're not meant to turn it off like that!
You'll damage the hardware!
Don't expose him to that sort of violence.
- It's not real! - That's not the point.
He's five. What's wrong with you?
Come and help me unpack the shopping, fluffy duck.
We're having pizza for dinner.
Pizza? Thank fuck! I'm starving!
Oh, fuck off!
Could someone tell me what the fuck that is meant to be?
TESS: Dave! - Mommy, he did it again.
I will kick you out.
I don't care what you're going through.
- What is that? - Tofu.
And this?
It's broccoli. It's a kind of vegetable.
You like eating this?
Yes. And so does my tractor.
- Where's the cheese? - I can't have cheese.
You know he can't have dairy. He's anaphylactic.
I'm allergic to fish, dairy, eggs,
sesame, nuts, and gluten.
No one's allergic to gluten. It's a fad.
Don't joke, Dave. It's a life-threatening condition.
So is what I'm going through.
[laughing] Oh, Boo-Boo!
Why did you call him Boo-Boo?
It's what I used to call your uncle when he was your age.
[laughs] Boo-Boo!
No, see, you don't get to call me that.
You call me Uncle David, Uncle Dave, D-Man, or Big D.
I had too much stuff going on with the band, all right?
I couldn't get tied down.
Miss Caroline plays the ukulele and we all sing Taylor Swift songs.
Well, you be sure to tell Miss Caroline that she can go and suck a bag of dicks.
TESS: Dave!
Teddy McGiggle says to sing the bad word song
when you hear a grown-up say a bad word.
Do you want to hear it? - No.
♪ Bad word, bad word! 'Cause you said a bad thing ♪
♪ Now we all have to sing ♪
♪ Tra-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪
♪ Tra-la-la-la-la-la-la... ♪
All Sara would ever go on about was having kids, okay?
That's why we fought all the time.
Dave, there are plenty of things to be scared of in this world,
but having a kid isn't one of them.
I came out of a test tube.
Yeah, I know you did, Felix.
Dave, there is nothing that says you have to end up like Dad.
Felix, could you please tell your mom that I'm now gonna go down to Domino's
and get myself a proper cheese-covered pizza,
with a side of gluten?
Mommy, Uncle David...
You don't have to say it, Felix.
Your uncle isn't making good choices right now.
You know, when you get yourself a pair of big-boy pants,
you realize there's more to life than tractors!
Fuckin' tractors! - [slams door]
Uncle David is so serious, isn't he, Mommy?
Yes, my little fluffy duck. He is.
- Quack. - [laughs]
So, do you remember where we're up to?
Where they got away from the witches.
That's right. They're in Norway,
and they're safe at Grandma's house.
"She was wearing a lace dress
"and the lace kept tickling my nose.
"I had to rest my head on my front paws.
"'Have you ever heard my heart humming away, Grandmama?'
"I asked her.
"'Often, ' she said.
"'I hear it when you're lying very close to me
"'on the pillow at night.'
"The two of us remained silent in front of the fire
"for a long time after that,
"thinking about these wonderful things.
"'My darling, ' she said at last, are you sure you don't mind
"'being a mouse for the rest of your life?'
"'I don't mind at all, ' I said.
"'It doesn't matter who you are or what you look like,
'as long as somebody loves you.'"
- Felix, get up! Felix! - [moans]
Get up! I need your help.
[lift bell dings]
So, when you see her, you breathe as Darth Vader
and then you say...
FELIX: "Hello, Aunty Sara.
I am Darth Vader. May the Force be with us."
Do it properly, Felix.
When the mask is on, you remain in character.
[gruffly]: "Hello, Aunty Sara.
I am Darth Vader. May the Force be with us."
Yeah! Daniel Day-Lewis just came everywhere in his pants!
Okay. Now, can you hold up the sign?
I'll come in and take care of the rest.
Yes, Uncle David.
I mean... [gruffly] ...yes, Uncle David.
All right.
Do it, Darth.
[Felix breathes like Darth Vader]
[screams] MAN: What...?
FELIX [gruffly]: Aunty Sara.
Felix?!
I am Darth Vader.
Felix, what are you doing here?
What? No!
What the fuck are you doing?! - I live here!
Yeah, well... who the fuck is that?!
- Rory. - That's Rory from work.
Well, do me a favor and get Rory from work out of your vagina!
- Don't go anywhere, Rory. - Is this Dave?
Yeah, hi, Rory. I'm Dave.
I'm Sara's boyfriend of nine fucking years.
Can you watch your language around the kid, please?
FELIX: I am not a kid. I am Darth Vader.
May the Force be with us.
DAVE: Oh, yeah.
Yeah, you fucked up, didn't you, Sara?
Because I was gonna marry you.
I was possibly gonna give you a baby.
I even made this engagement ring
out of a pipe-cleaner I found under Felix's bed.
No, you do this.
You say one thing. You never come through.
Hello? I was just about to!
I don't mean marriage and a baby, Dave!
I needed you to love me.
And you're incapable of loving anyone but yourself.
At least I'm not stuffing real estate agent dick in me
the first chance I get!
RORY: That's enough. - Oh, what are you gonna do?!
You need to watch your language!
You need to stop having sex in front of kids!
Don't talk to Rory like that.
Rory is more in touch with his emotional self
than you'll ever be.
The only thing Rory is in touch with is your slutty vagina!
- Not cool. - Yeah?
"Not cool" this, motherfuck...
Arggh! Jesus!
Arggh! Arggh!
Oh, God! Fuck! RORY: That's it.
Calm down! DAVE: Yuck!
Your dick's on my arm! Your sweaty dick!
RORY: It's disrespectful! DAVE: Shit! No, shit! Okay!
Come on, easy, buddy! RORY: Are you gonna behave yourself?
DAVE: There's a kid here, man! Ohh! RORY: Are we good now?
Yes? DAVE: Arggh! Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
[Dave groans]
RORY: I'm sorry I had to resort to violence.
DAVE: Fucking Rory!
Violence is never the answer.
FELIX: If you only knew the power of the Dark Side.
DAVE: Fucking...
I gave you the best years of my life!
You saw how much bush was thrown at me when I was in a band.
That was 10 years ago!
Stop going on about the band. It's pathetic.
Yeah, well, I never screwed anyone else.
I chose to be with you.
There is a big difference between being with someone
and being there for someone, Dave.
RORY: Mmm.
I hope you grow up enough one day to realize that.
I don't need to do that! You do!
Fucking idiots!
Don't ever expect to see me back here again!
Felix? FELIX: I am not Felix. I am Darth Vader.
DAVE: Darth Vader, now!
[breathes like Darth Vader]
DAVE: Oh, I don't know.
FELIX: Mommy! - [sighs]
I've been trying to call you. Where the hell have you been?
FELIX: Uncle David took me to see Aunty Sara.
Yeah, and guess what Aunty Sara was doing when we got there?
Having sex with a real estate agent.
- Hang on. What? - Yeah, I know!
You woke my son up so he could go see two people having sex?
No, not specifically.
The naked man punched Uncle Dave on the nose
'cause Aunty Sara has a slutty vagina.
I don't believe this.
I know. It's unbelievable!
I mean, how could she do this to me?
If you can't understand how incredibly inappropriate it is
to take your nephew out in the middle of the night,
then you can find somewhere else to stay.
What are you talking about? He had a great time!
Look, he's Darth Vader!
I am your father, Mommy.
See? He's really good at it.
It's late. I have a double shift tomorrow.
Get out of my house.
[sobs]
What, are you crying now?
Mommy, you said it's good to cry.
[sobbing]
Why can't Uncle David stay on the couch?
Look, if you're gonna stay here, then you have to start contributing.
Yeah.
Just... put him to bed now.
And you can take him to school tomorrow.
Can we play the shooty game, Uncle David?
I don't want us to get in trouble, Felix.
We'll have to play it with the sound off.
FELIX: I need to get to class early for Miss Caroline.
It's my turn to feed Neville.
Is Neville special-needs?
Neville's the class guinea pig.
Hey, Felix! What's for lunch today? [laughs]
That's Max and Ashton.
They think I'm not strong because of what Mommy packs me for food.
What fucking douchebags!
Max looks like he could use a few more tofu pizzas.
Max was the fat one, yeah?
What's a douchebag?
It's a small bag chicks use to irrigate their vaginas.
I hope you've got yummy broccoli today, Felix!
Was that retarded kid using irony to make fun of you?
Mickey has spina bifida.
MICKEY [chants]: You love broccoli! You love broccoli!
Hi, Felix!
- Come on, this way! - Okay!
[laughs] Felix!
Look at you slaying puss in the playground, huh?
Beth is my girlfriend.
- Yeah, dog! - [bell rings]
Treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen.
WOMAN: Good morning, Vivienne.
[mutters]: Fuck me! Who is that?
Yes!
And... yes! Nice!
That's Miss Caroline.
Jesus!
Felix. Lucky last.
Sorry, Miss Caroline. I can still feed Neville.
Max has already fed him. FELIX: Aww!
DAVE: Ooh! Jeez.
Neville will be lucky to have anything left with that kid around.
Uh... quickly, put your bags on your hook
and unpack crunch-and-sip.
DAVE: Come on, mate. I'll give you a hand with that. Come on.
Hey, hey.
Thank you.
I'm Dave. I'm Felix's uncle.
Oh. Audrey.
Oh! Oh.
Oh, Miss Caroline, jeez.
You are just a beacon of positivity in my little nephew's life.
- [objects crashing in room] - He talks about you all the time.
Apparently you slay Tay-Tay on the ukulay-lay?
[chuckles] Oh! I don't know about that.
His mom's going through a weird breakdowny thing at the moment.
Oh, no. Really?
Yeah. It's bad.
- I had no idea. - Yeah.
I hope Tess is okay.
Well, thankfully for everyone, Uncle David is here to help.
Oh, dear. He's asleep.
DAVE: Yeah, I mean, what's going on with his mom
might be affecting his rhythms.
Don't worry.
I'll give him some special attention today.
Lucky boy. [chuckles]
BOY: Felix doesn't even have a dad! What a loser!
You know, I don't really think of him as a nephew.
I think of him as a friend.
My best friend. I love kids.
- [boy screams] - Ooh! What's wrong?
What happened?
Someone hit me with the door!
Let me see. Let me see.
- Oh, no! - You are fine.
Okay, quickly, sit back down, so we can get started.
- [boy screeches] - Brave little man, isn't he?
Nice to meet you, David.
It is. It's so nice to meet you, yeah.
Guess I'll see you later. - Yeah. Mm-hm.
See you, Felix. Love you, mate.
- [screams]: Felix! - [all gasp]
Love you, matey. See you.
Bye. Have fun.
One, two, three! Eyes on me!
CLASS: One, two! Eyes on you!
Okay. It's time to...
ALL: ♪ Make a circle, make a circle ♪
♪ Nice and round, nice and round ♪
♪ Come on, everybody, come on, everybody... ♪
[bell rings]
DAVE: Miss Caroline! [chuckles]
Oh.
- Hello, David. - Hey.
Y-you can call me Audrey.
Didn't think I was gonna make it in time for pick-up.
I had this crazy rehearsal.
I'm afraid he had a really rough day today.
- Who did? - Felix.
Well, it's a good thing my band's finished rehearsing for the day.
That's my band.
- "God's Sledgehammer"? - That's right.
Is that a Christian band?
No. It's more of a stadium rock-slash-death metal band.
Oh. 'Cause I'm a Christian, so...
It is a Christian band. I'm a Christian myself, actually.
WOMAN: Audrey? - Oh, hey, Charlotte!
Um, Beth's older brother is really sick.
- Oh, no! - It's gastro.
But I'm afraid I won't be able to chaperone the excursion tomorrow.
Oh. Of course.
A lot of my class is off sick with gastro as well.
I hope I'm not leaving you in the lurch.
Do you think you'll be able to find someone else?
Hey! That's me! I'm someone else!
Where are we going, Miss Caroline?
[breathes like Darth Vader]
Oh, the Force isn't working!
Okay, so, we take it out of this...
Mm-hmm.
...then you take the blue safety cap off
and you push the other end in here.
So, it's "blue in the sky, orange in the thigh."
Orange in the thigh!
Yeah, I'm serious. "Blue in the sky"...
"Orange in the thigh." I've got it. Don't worry. He'll be fine.
Actually looking forward to spending some quality time
with my little Lord Vader.
Can I bring this tomorrow, Uncle David?
And that's the only reason why you want to go on this excursion tomorrow?
Yeah. What other reason would there be?
The one that teaches his kindy class.
Miss Caroline? Come on.
Every dad has tried to make a pass at her.
Well, she's a Christian.
I'm in a stadium rock- slash-death metal band.
How's that gonna work?
Mommy, I nearly had it!
I'm just trying to understand
why you would so readily volunteer for something
that sounds like your worst nightmare.
Maybe it's because I'm actually a good person.
God, is that such a crazy idea?
[Dave pants, moans]
F-f-fuck... me!
Jesus, fuck!
[groans]
[toilet flushes]
[ukulele plays] AUDREY: ♪ But I keep cruisin' ♪
♪ Can't stop, won't stop movin' ♪
♪ It's like I got this music ♪
♪ In my mind singing it's gonna be alright ♪
♪ 'Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play ♪
♪ And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate ♪
♪ Baby, I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake ♪
♪ I shake it off, I shake it off ♪
And louder now!
♪ Shake it off, shake it off, uh-uh ♪
♪ I shake it off, shake it off ♪
♪ Uh-uh, I shake it off, shake it off ♪
[children cheer] AUDREY: Yes!
Good job, guys!
Hey, how long till we get going again?
I'm still working on it!
Sing "Shake It Off" again! CHILDREN: Yay!
No! Sing something else!
I think we've all had enough of Taylor Swift right now, guys.
Can you sing another song, Miss Caroline?
Well, actually,
there is somebody on this bus who is a professional singer.
Who knows what the word 'professional' means?
Beth?
It means it's your proper job and you get paid money.
AUDREY: Very good, Beth!
You become a professional when you're so good at something
that you get paid to do it.
I am a professional kindergarten teacher.
And David is a professional singer.
Isn't that right, David? - Uh... that's correct.
Yes, I am a professional singer, songwriter, guitarist.
Maybe if we all nicely ask David,
he'll come to the front of the bus and sing us all a song.
What do you think, guys? Yes!
ALL: Please? Please?
AUDREY: Louder! Louder!
DAVE: No, no, no. I'm not prepared. - Come on!
Okay, then. All right.
- [all cheer] - One song.
Now, sit down and be quiet so he can play.
[Dave clears throat] Um, hi, guys. Um...
My name's David. Uh, I'm Felix's uncle.
And I'm also the lead singer-slash-frontman
of my band, God's Sledgehammer.
Oh, and let's not forget what Leviticus teaches us.
If anyone curses their mother or their father,
they must be put to death.
That's in the Bible. That's actually there. God wrote that.
Um, this is one of my slower ditties.
Um... a ballad, if you will.
♪ Your husband left you with two little kids ♪
♪ Said he loved you, but he never did ♪
♪ You pretend like everything is fine ♪
♪ But the screams have taken over your mind ♪
♪ And now you're empty inside like an empty room ♪
♪ That's full of demons and monsters too ♪
♪ Yeah, you're trapped in a nightmare ♪
♪ There's nowhere to hide from the pain ♪
♪ That's eating you alive ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, where did you go? ♪
♪ Mama's losing control ♪
♪ She's got the demons inside her, feasting off her soul ♪
♪ You started another family, 'cause we weren't good enough ♪
♪ You didn't love your son ♪
♪ 'Cause you thought he wasn't tough ♪
♪ Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, where did you go? ♪
♪ Oh, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy where did you go, yeah? ♪
Might be a little much for everyone, you know?
Yeah, mmm.
[boy laughs]
Bus is fixed. AUDREY: Oh!
Next stop, Pleasant Valley!
- Oh! Thank God! Yay! - [children cheer]
Clap for David!
♪
WOMAN: Section 19 clear. RADIO: Section 19.
MAN: What's the point in flying 17 hours on a plane
to work in a country you're not even allowed to see?
Section 12 clear. RADIO: Section 12.
This country's insane.
Do you realize how many animals they have here
that can kill you?
Listen to this.
"The funnel-web spider is the world's nastiest arachnid.
"The venom from this hairy spider's massive fangs
"attacks a person's nervous system, leading to death.
The red-bellied black snake can grow up to seven feet long."
WOMAN: Section 15 clear.
"The venom from its bite can cause skin cells to decay,
"along with kidney failure, leading to death.
"There is no known anti-venom for the box jellyfish,
"which is present throughout coastal waters of Australia.
"The sting instantly leads to necrosis
and random muscle spasms, and finally, cardiac arrest."
Still, if I get flown back home without seeing a koala bear,
I'm gonna be pretty upset.
[snarling]
WOMAN: Jesus. One of them's free.
Back away from the body with your hands on your head!
[fires]
WOMAN: Patrol to control room.
Project Regeneration test subject has escaped.
Containment breach and casualty in section 24.
Containment breach and casualty in section 24!
RADIO: We have a large-scale breach at section 25!
[gunfire]
Wait here. I'll secure the door.
[alarm blaring] P. A.: In lockdown.
In lockdown.
[distant gunfire]
Wait, should I call for backup?
What the fuck?! What the fuck?!
Get off! Get off!
My ear! Arggh! Arggh!
[screams]
P.A.: In lockdown.
So, it's 600 feet back down the road. Yeah.
Minigolf. Minigolf. [speaks Chinese]
This is not the petting zoo.
This is a US military facility. Do you understand me?
[klaxon blares] P. A.: Full code red.
I repeat, this is a full code red alert.
Shit!
Jerry! Open the gate! Open the gate!
Open the goddamn gate!
Close the gate! Close the gate!
♪
AUDREY: And our first rule is be safe.
Which means remember the dangers
of touching and tasting things we don't recognize.
Our rhyme...
ALL: We can see, we can smell, we can hear...
FELIX: Oh, my gosh! Uncle Dave!
It's Teddy McGiggle! It's Teddy McGiggle!
What? Oh, my God!
[Dave groans]
[children shout excitedly]
Hi-ho, kiddlywinks!
ALL: Hi-ho, Teddy!
Hi-ho, Frogsie!
Well, aren't we having a super fun time on our trip down under?!
We swam with the fish in the Great Barrier Reef!
We've climbed to the top of the Harbour Bridge!
And today...
today, we are visiting the Pleasant Valley Farm
to meet and learn about all the cute Australian animals!
I want a cuddle from a koala!
I bet you do, Frogsie!
[children laugh] TEDDY: Wow-ee!
Look at the big crowd that's come out here to say hello to us.
And hello to you!
What's your name, you big bundle of sunshine?
Come on over here.
Why don't you guys let the beautiful yellow lady come on through?
What's your name, little lady?
Miss Caroline. Oh, but my friends call me Audrey.
My kids call Miss Caroline.
Not my kids kids, my students. They call me Miss Caroline.
Well, that is a beautiful origin story if I've ever heard one.
All I know is, your kiddlywinks sure are lucky
to have a teacher as pretty as you, Miss Caroline!
FROGSIE: I want to give Miss Caroline a cuddle!
[all laugh]
I bet you do, Frogsie!
What do you guys say we do the McGiggle dance?
CHILDREN: Yeah!
What do you say we do the McGiggle dance
to get this party started?!
[silly laughter]
Excellent job, everybody.
[children applaud, shout]
TEDDY: Settle down there, kiddlywinks!
There's more than enough Teddy to go around!
Whoo-hoo! [laughs]
AUDREY: Remember to be nice and gentle.
TEDDY: ♪ Come with us as we giggle around ♪
♪ In the McGigglemobile ♪
FROGSIE: Toot-toot, Teddy!
TEDDY: ♪ Traveling the whole world ♪
♪ And sharing special memories with the kiddlywinks ♪
FROGSIE: We love the kiddlywinks!
TEDDY: ♪ There's no use ignoring ♪
♪ All the giggling and guffawing ♪
♪ As we shower the whole world with fun ♪
[Teddy and Frogsie laugh]
♪ And time and time again, we will McGiggle with new friends ♪
♪ Because our giggles are for everyone ♪
FROGSIE: Can we do the McGiggle dance?
TEDDY: You bet we can, Frogsie!
FROGSIE: Whoo-hoo!
TEDDY: ♪ So, giggle, I'll giggle with you ♪
♪ Let's giggle, we'll giggle all together ♪
♪ I feel giggly when we all play this song... ♪
KOALA: Rock on, man!
TEDDY: ♪ Life's so fun when you giggle along... ♪
WOMAN: Yeah? Do you want to come up?
All the way out to here. - [whip cracks]
[all cheer]
WOMAN: Everyone's watching. No pressure.
- [whip cracks] - Arggh! Arggh!
[laughter]
KOALA: [chuckles] Yeah. Rock on, idiot.
AUDREY: What did we learn? Yes, Felix?
[all growling]
RADIO: We got a full breach here! A full breach!
Somebody get up here and help me!
They're escaping from the front!
[growls]
RADIO: Get up here now! Now! Now!
Arggh! Arggh! [screaming]
[all speaking Chinese]
Whoa! [speaking Chinese]
[growls]
[all speaking Chinese]
- [zombie munches] - [man screams]
AUDREY: One, two, three, eyes on me!
CHILDREN: One, two, eyes on you!
[woman screaming]
And then we get to meet Kimby again.
She's going to take us on a special ride.
And then when we get back to the farm, there'll be a surprise waiting for us!
Is it putt-putt golf! Are we gonna play putt-putt golf?!
AUDREY: I said it was a surprise.
I'm going to count backwards from 10.
By the time I get to one, I want you all in a line in front of me.
And away we go! Ten! Nine!
- Miss Caroline, can we... - David, just call me Audrey... eight!
DAVE: Yeah, I feel like I haven't been helping enough.
AUDREY: Seven! DAVE: Can I get more involved?
Six! Yeah, you can help Kim with the rubbish.
Five! - The rubbish?
Wait... are you married?
No. Four!
Oh, not yet. That's my engagement ring.
Three! - You're with a guy?
My fiancé, Ian, yes.
Two!
And one!
Very good. Okay, let's go.
Okay, who's excited about the surprise?
DAVE: Bye-bye, rubbish!
KIMBY [on P. A.]: Welcome, everyone,
to the Pleasant Valley Farm experience.
Who wants to see some sheep?
[children cheer]
That's lucky, because you're about to meet
Pleasant Valley's flock of resident mammals.
Isn't the tractor amazing, Uncle David?
KIMBY: Even though sheep aren't native to Australia,
we certainly do have...
GIRL: Miss Caroline, where are the sheep?
KIMBY: Um... They're usually around here.
They must be hiding.
[zombie snarls]
[sighs, stops engine]
[sighs]
I've just gotta check on something ahead.
Sorry we haven't seen any sheep yet, kiddies.
What is it, Miss Caroline?
I don't know, Kim. There must be something in the way.
Maybe it's your dad, Felix!
- No, it isn't. - Yeah, Max!
For all we know, you don't have a dad either.
Never seen any evidence of him when I'm visiting your mom.
- Do you know my mom? - Uh-huh.
Okay. David? May I have a word with you, please?
[children laugh]
GIRL [taunting]: David's in trouble!
[snarling]
KIMBY: Hey.
What are you doing to our sheep, mate?
Look, I don't know what's going on with you right now,
but that kind of behavior is unacceptable.
- Max started it! - Max is five years old!
And if you can't use appropriate language with a five-year-old,
I'm going to have to ask you to disembark the tractor train
and wait for us back at the bus.
KIMBY [screaming]: Fucking hell! Fuck!
CHILDREN: ♪ Bad word! Bad word! ♪
Kimby! CHILDREN: ♪ You said a bad thing! ♪
Kimby, this kind of behavior is just...
- [snarls] - Arggh!
[growls]
Oh!
[roars]
Oh, God!
David! Start the tractor!
[laughs]
Where are you going to drive the tractor, Uncle David?
[engine rumbles]
[laughs]
DAVE: Miss Caroline! I'm coming!
- Push the clutch pedal down. - Where?
The clutch pedal is on the left, the brake is on the other side.
Like this?
[Audrey yelps]
[zombie snarling]
FELIX: Have you got the parking brake off, Uncle David?
I don't know!
The parking brake is that side too.
Why do you know so much about tractors?
I love tractors.
Oh, Jesus!
BETH: Are you okay, Miss Caroline?!
Just, uh, having a chat with Kimby.
Ohh, shit!
[grunting]
[zombie roars]
Ooh!
DAVID: What do I do?! AUDREY: Just keep driving!
[children clamoring]
[panting] Yes!
AUDREY: Rightio.
You remember this one. Right?
[zombie groaning over P. A.]
[Audrey plays ukulele]
♪ Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep ♪
♪ And doesn't know where to find them ♪
BOY: What is that?
♪ Leave them alone and they'll come home ♪
- [zombie moaning] - ♪ Wagging their tails behind them ♪
[snarls]
Who knows what "unpredictable" means?
AUDREY: Don't be scared. Don't be scared.
This is the surprise I was talking about.
[woman screaming]
David? Why are you stopping?
DAVE: 'C-cause the road is blocked in.
I don't know how to explain what I'm seeing.
- [snarls] - Ahh!
[all talking at once]
Okay! One, two, three, eyes on me!
One, two, eyes on you! AUDREY: Right.
Who remembers how to play tag?
Good. Right.
Those funny-looking people out there are it.
How do I go backwards?
And we don't want to let the funny people touch us.
Look! Isn't she good at it? - [woman whimpering]
CHILDREN: Yeah! - I need you to stick together in a line.
So, quick-sticks! Ready... steady...
...conga!
- [children cheer] - Conga?!
CHILDREN: ♪ Conga, conga, conga! ♪
[chanting]: ♪ Conga, conga, conga! ♪
[zombies snarling]
AUDREY: This way, kiddies!
♪ Old Macdonald had a farm ♪
♪ E-I-E-I-O... ♪
Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew!
[moaning]
Pew, pew!
♪ Baa-baa here and a baaaaa... ♪
♪ Here a baa, there a baa Everywhere a baa-baa! ♪
[Dave moans]
- [zombie roars] - Arggh! [grunts]
AUDREY: ♪ E-I-E-I-O... ♪
He almost tagged you! DAVE: Yeah. Didn't get me, though.
[Audrey strumming]
AUDREY: This way to the bus, kids.
GIRL: I don't want to be here!
♪ Old Macdonald had a farm ♪
♪ E-I-E... ♪
- Watch out, Dave! - Yarggh!
[panting, whimpering]
[moans]
DAVE: There's the bus!
AUDREY: We're almost there.
Oh, God!
BUS DRIVER [screaming]: No! They're in the bus!
Don't come this way!
AUDREY: Okay. Change of plan.
[zombies moaning]
- Locked! - Go away!
Oh! Open the door. Teddy McGiggle, it's me!
Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't see you there.
But see, the problem is I was here first, so you've got to go fuck yourself.
KIDS: ♪ Bad word! Bad word! ♪ - We have kids out here!
Oh! Oh, my God! I don't give a shit.
You can't leave the kids out here!
[zombies snarling, moaning]
Unlock the door!
TEDDY: Unlock my dick!
This way. Oh, look.
Okay. Who wants to be a wiggle worm?!
TEDDY: The fuck are you doing?! Get them away from here!
In you go. Nice and safe. Nice and safe.
TEDDY: Hey!
He's meals on wheels! Leave him!
AUDREY: Up! And through there!
Hey! Get her to stop doing that!
DAVE: Open the door! TEDDY: Leave them alone out there!
DAVE: Are you serious?!
TEDDY: Leave those little fuckers to those guys!
DAVE: What the hell is wrong with you?
You're both being real cocks right now!
[grunts]
[zombies moaning]
Miss Caroline! [grunts] Help!
Arggh!
[grunts, panting]
Miss Caroline!
[whimpers]
Fuck you!
Let us in, please!
TEDDY: No, you're not coming in! Go away!
[zombie snarls]
TEDDY: Wait. No, no, what is that?
There's somebody on the roof!
Stop it!
Get the fuck off of there!
You bring those bastards here, I'll fucking...
[Dave yelling]
- [Teddy grunts] - Oh!
[both groaning]
[Dave coughs]
Ahhh!
Arggh! [groans]
What are you doing?
What the...?! Jesus!
[gagging]
You f...!
[both yelling]
AUDREY: Oh! Ooh!
TEDDY: You eat my dick!
CHILDREN: ♪ Bad word! Bad word! ♪
♪ 'Cause you said a bad thing... ♪
TEDDY: You little bitch!
♪ We all have to sing... ♪
- [Teddy gnarling] - [screams]
[both grunting, yelling]
[panting]
TEDDY: Come here, you pretty little chubby princess!
I'm gonna bash this on your head, you fat fucking monkey!
You're a fucking psycho!
TEDDY: Get away from that door, boy titties!
[Dave yelling]
[both grunting]
Arggh! Arggh!
Arggh!
[glass shatters]
TEDDY: Shit.
My face!
No.
[roars]
[panting]
[breathlessly]: Hey. FELIX: Hi, Uncle David.
[zombie moaning]
[screaming]
RADIO: Attention, all units. Attention, all units.
Reinforcements have arrived. Set up a perimeter.
Door's secure.
Still no signal, though.
Miss Caroline! Miss Caroline!
Max, that's not safe!
Put it back where you found it.
There's no landline either.
- This is fun. - It is a bit scary.
AUDREY: It's meant to be scary. It's part of the game.
And you know what? We all just won first level.
Yes? - How many more levels will there be?
Mmm... Max?
When will we play putt-putt golf?
Later. Kim?
What's wrong with Teddy McGiggle?
Teddy McGiggle is just... not happy because we're winning.
TEDDY: Nobody's coming for us. We're all gonna die.
Are we gonna die, Miss Caroline?
No! Of course not.
My job is to keep you safe. That's what I'll do.
Where's Frogsie?
Frogsie didn't make it.
I need you to calm down, Teddy McGiggle.
Don't you dare tell me what to do.
Those things out there ate my cameraman.
They ate him!
[zombies moaning]
And not just them. Little dead-eyed kids.
Like Children Of The Corn.
And if they don't eat you,
you get bit and then you become one of them.
They're... They're zombies.
Like in the shooty game?
Like in the shooty game!
Can you tell us what the zombies do in the... shooty game, please, Felix?
FELIX: Well, if you make noise, they hear you.
They walk around and try to bite you.
And the only way you can stop them
is by shooting them in the face with your shooty gun
or chopping their heads off.
Okay. But are the zombies real?
FELIX: No. It's just a game,
but Uncle David lets me play it when my mom's asleep.
Well, there you go. The zombies are not real.
TEDDY: Like fuck they're not!
The Easter Bunny isn't fucking real!
Father fucking Christmas isn't real!
These inquisitive dead-eyed fucking faces are real!
♪ Bad word! Bad word! ♪
♪ 'Cause you said a bad thing, now... ♪
Shut the fuck up!
Teddy McGiggle's gonna fill you guys in on some fast-breaking news.
Bad word song?
That existed at a time when people weren't
having their faces ripped off by motherfucking zombies.
Fuckity fuck-fuck fuck!
You fucking little duckies!
Teddy McGiggle just needs a cuddle.
Come here. Let's have a word.
- I don't want a cuddle. - Listen, Okay?
You're going to change that attitude right now.
Fucking zombies.
This is not a negotiation.
[sobs]
- Guys, who's hungry? - [children cheer]
Yeah? Okay. Well, come get some.
Here you go, mate.
- Are these okay, Uncle David? - Yeah.
Why is Teddy McGiggle crying?
I'm a celebrity.
No. You're a liability.
I have no idea what we're all dealing with here,
but my only responsibility is for these children's safety.
If they are put in danger
by anyone outside or inside the souvenir kiosk,
my job is to remove that danger.
I'm not going to let these children be traumatized
by having them think a zombie is going to eat them alive.
So, right at this very moment,
these children believe they are in the middle of a game.
A fun, harmless game.
So if you don't turn that frown upside down, then, so help me God,
I am going to drag you out by that stupid bow tie
and watch them rip you apart!
Do I make myself clear?
Let me hear you say, "It's a game," so loud, they can hear.
[murmurs]: It's a game.
In the voice, you moron.
[yelps] It's a game!
This is a game!
Uh-huh. Do the laugh.
- I don't want to. - Do the laugh.
[guffaws loudly]
And stop fucking swearing.
[all laugh]
You can consider this the naughty corner.
[coughing]
You okay?
Cough it up, mate.
[choking]
[Felix coughing] DAVE: Cough it up.
What did you eat, Felix? It's anaphylaxis.
DAVE: No. No, they're just chips.
They'd have dairy in them.
Who the fuck puts milk in chips?
Just breathe, okay?
- What do we do? - My bum bag.
The DreniPenny was in my bum bag.
DAVE: I've got one. I've got one.
- Oh. Give it... - I can do it. I can do it.
Okay. Okay, kids.
Don't worry. Felix just needs some room, okay?
Here we go.
Uh, "Orange in the sky, blue in the... thigh."
DAVE: Arggh! [groans] - Oh, dear.
- What?! - No, no. It's fine. Here.
- No, you can't reinsert it! - No.
No! Um...
There's a spare! Tess packed a spare!
- Where is it? - It's, it's... in his backpack!
I'll go get it. I'll go get it.
FELIX [weakly]: Don't leave.
[wheezing]
I'm here.
AUDREY: Okay, kids. - [Felix wheezes]
No, no. I'm right here, bud. I'm right here.
Listen very carefully. I need you to stay here with David.
Hold hands and don't let go until I get back.
Okay?
DAVE: Breathe. You'll be all right.
Get them to stop the game, Miss Caroline!
Don't worry about it. I'll just pop right up and let them know.
Breathe. You're all right.
You'll be all right. There we go. Breathing.
♪
[growling]
[screams]
[zombies moaning]
[screams]
[zombie snarls]
[panting]
[Felix wheezing]
Just try to breathe, mate, please. Keep breathing.
[zombies growling]
Argh!
[zombie laughing menacingly]
We get through this, you can dress up as Darth Vader
and play the shooty game as much as you want.
I don't care what your mom says.
[screams]
You!
[yells]
Guys, what do we do when we're scared?
What's a song we can sing? What's his favorite song?
- "Shake It Off." - "Shake It Off"?
How does it start? Beth, can you sing it for him?
♪ I stay out too late ♪
♪ Got nothing in my... ♪
[screams]
[panting]
Typical!
♪ 'Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play ♪
♪ Baby, I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake... ♪
♪
[Audrey shouting]
♪ I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake ♪
♪ Shake it off, shake it off... ♪
[crashing]
Oh, yes! Quick! Is that it?
Here we go, mate.
Oh, here we go. Here we go. - Okay. Hold still.
DAVE: Yes.
Did it work?
- [Felix wheezing] - Well?
[gasps deeply]
Oh! Oh, God!
Thank you, Miss Caroline.
It's my job.
And you've got to call me Audrey.
Yeah.
CHILDREN: Eugh!
Oh... I...
...g-got caught in the middle of a jam fight!
[gasps]
I am covered in strawberry jam! [laughs]
Eugh. Don't taste it, okay? [chuckles]
BOY: What jam? - Felix will be fine.
[all cheering, squealing]
♪
[helicopter approaches]
TEDDY: Stop screaming, please!
Just shut up!
What is that noise?
It's a helicopter! They've come to get me!
Get out of my way!
[objects smashing] DAVE: What the...?!
I'm coming! They found me!
Hey! Hey! Hey!
It's me! I'm a celebr...
Oh! Arggh! Oh, fuck!
[zombies moaning]
Whoa!
Fuck!
Open up! Hey! Can you open the door?
I'm sorry about what happened before, but you...
Get the fuck over here!
Please?!
I'm just scared. Open the door.
You're being a bad teacher! Fuck your teaching method!
This is a terrible example you're setting!
Argh! Argh!
[zombies moaning]
Teddy!
Get up!
Come on! Give me your hand!
[zombies moaning]
[both panting]
TEDDY: Oh, this is all my fault.
God is punishing me. - Wait, what do you mean?
I've been bad, man. I've been really fucking bad.
I'm sure we've all done things we regret.
I fucked a shit-ton of moms.
We're talking thousands. Thousands.
I was doing my first public appearance,
and this sweet little single mom came up to me after the autograph signing.
And she was so fucking beautiful.
And I went down on her pussy in a South Coast Plaza disabled toilet.
And then it was on.
I just... I took whoever I could get.
Single moms, married moms, pregnant moms,
white moms, black moms, dyke moms, Jews.
- My nephew almost died. I'm... - I studied at the Actors Studio.
I learnt Meisner from Pacino.
Al.
You think I wanted to be in a polka dot suit
for the rest of my life?
I fucking hate those little kiddlywinks.
Fucking the shit out of their moms was the only thing that made it better.
Until it didn't.
You realize that you're only doing it...
[slaps him] Look at me.
You realize that you're only doing it because you're dead inside.
And it's the only thing that's keeping you from killing yourself.
I'm Dave.
Teddy McGiggle isn't even my real name.
It's Nathan.
Nathan McGiggle.
- Nathan Schneider. - Oh.
[sniffs]
What is that awful smell?
It's me, man. I was lying.
I was gonna blame you, but I can't. I shit my pants.
Ohh, God! [sobs]
I did it.
Ohh, no!
[sobs]
♪
[radio chatter]
Sir? This could be helpful.
Aerial reconnaissance confirms all of the infected are congregated here.
I would advise we drop the bomb on the...
...Pleasant Valley souvenir store.
AUDREY: ♪ Well, I'd like to visit the moon ♪
[Teddy sobbing]
AUDREY: ♪ On a rocket ship high in the air ♪
♪ Yes, I'd like to visit the moon ♪
♪ But I don't think I'd like to live there ♪
♪ Though I'd like to look down ♪
♪ At the earth from above ♪
♪ I would miss all the places ♪
♪ And people I love ♪
♪ So although I may like it ♪
♪ For one afternoon ♪
♪ I don't want to live on the moon ♪
♪ Though I'd like to look down ♪
♪ At the earth from above ♪
♪ I would miss all the places ♪
♪ And people I love ♪
♪ So although I may go ♪
♪ I'll be coming home soon ♪
♪ 'Cause I don't want to live ♪
♪ On the moon ♪
♪ No, I don't ♪
♪ Want to live ♪
♪ On the moon ♪
Sweet dreams, duckies.
CHILDREN: Good night.
Yes, Mickey?
Miss Caroline, is there anything to eat?
I'm afraid you ate the last of the chips.
I have tofu snacks if you want them, Mickey.
Yuck.
When are we gonna play putt-putt golf, Miss Caroline?
Certainly not now. Go to sleep.
This is ridiculous.
What's the US military even doing here?
Excuse me!
My son is inside. Why won't you let us through?
I'm gonna try him again.
Got kangaroo, platypus, echidna, wombat. Dingo?
Lieutenant, sir. Why are we here?
- Zombies again. - Well, fast ones or slow ones, sir?
Slow. We need to contain the infection,
so shoot anything that moves.
Thank God they're slow.
Mm-hmm.
DAVE [on voicemail]: Hey, it's Dave. Just leave a message.
Dave, I'm here. I'm nearby.
They won't let me past to where you are, and they won't tell us anything.
If you get this message,
could you please tell Felix that Mommy loves him?
Dave, please look after him.
Hey. Are you okay, mate?
Yes, but Beth is a bit frightened.
My mom puts me to bed.
Oh.
Well, we're gonna see your mom tomorrow.
I'm scared.
My mommy made up a special rhyme to help me go to sleep.
Do you want to hear it?
"Now the day is over and I'm in bed, rugged up tight,
"I hope those little monsters won't get me in the night.
"If I say this little rhyme, they'll try to put up a fight,
"But they won't come get me,
"No, they won't give me a fright.
Little monsters, you go away! Little monsters..."
Oh, I think we need Beth to help with this bit, yeah?
Beth, when I point at you, can you say, "Go away"?
- Go away? - Yeah, exactly like that.
Yeah. Okay, let's start again.
FELIX AND DAVE: "Little monsters, you can't stay!
"I don't want to see your little claws!
"I don't want to hear your little roars!
Little monsters..."
"Go away!"
"Come back and see me in the day.
"We can have a little party
"And eat cake and tea and play.
"But we all must get a proper sleep,
So, little monsters, please..."
"Go away!"
[laughs] That's it. That's exactly it.
You reckon you can sleep now?
- Mm-hmm. - Yeah? Okay.
How did you know the rhyme, Uncle David?
Well, your mom used to sing it to me before I went to sleep.
Back when I was Boo-Boo.
- [giggles] Boo-Boo? - [chuckles] Boo-Boo, yeah.
You want to get some rest, mate?
- Goodnight, Uncle David. - 'Night, mate.
[zombies moaning]
- [zombies howling outside] - Oh, God.
[grunts]
[sighs]
Sorry I've been swearing so much, Audrey.
That's fine, David.
I'm fucking terrified too.
I just need them to feel like the adults are in control, you know?
- DAVE: How do you do it? - AUDREY: Do what?
Be a superhero.
Not quite.
Do you want kids?
Oh... my girlfriend and I just split.
Yeah, I caught her with someone else.
Oh.
That's... awful.
See, it wasn't her fault.
I left first.
She wanted a baby. I didn't.
How come?
I told her I didn't want it to get in the way of my band.
Was that not the reason?
Felix's mom reckons I might be frightened of being a father.
See, our dad left when I was about Felix's age.
Started another family, left Tess and I with mom.
Mom fell apart. Like, really fell apart.
We spent our holidays in psych wards.
- I'm so sorry. - Yeah.
Tess looked after me.
I couldn't see that at the time, though. I was too angry at everyone.
I never thanked her.
I'm sure you won't end up like your father, David.
"The man in between waits between the two,
"Not hearing the lie, not seeing the true,
"Unknowing what is and denying what seems,
And there he will sleep, the man in between."
Wow. Is that Gandhi?
[chuckles] No. Neil Diamond.
You like Neil Diamond?
I love Neil Diamond.
Oh.
You may think I'm a superhero, but...
When I was 18, I was heading down a really bad path.
I started following this band around.
I used the money my parents had put away for my education,
and I followed them here.
Whoa.
I chased them all around Australia,
and I break into one of their hotel rooms in Perth.
Well, I was just so determined to meet one of them in person.
I would have let them do anything to me.
What... what happened?
Oh, Taylor walked into the room and called security right away.
Hang on. Wait. Swift?
No! [scoffs]
Taylor Hanson. Sorry. I thought I said who they were.
Taylor Hanson?
Yeah. Taylor Hanson. From Hanson.
Hanson the band?
Yes.
- "Mmmbop"? - "Mmmbop."
Mmm. Okay.
I begged him not to call security, but he didn't even hesitate.
I didn't know what to do, so I jumped out the window.
Shit.
But thank God, an awning broke my fall and all I broke was my collarbone.
[sighs] So, there I was.
In a foreign country, in a sling. No parents, no money.
And then a wonderful thing happened.
I got a job helping out at the school
to help pay my medical bills and get back home.
And working with kids...
...standing in front of them,
looking at me with no judgment...
They trusted me even when I didn't particularly trust myself.
I started to believe in myself again, you know?
Learned to step up.
And now I can't imagine doing anything else.
Are you and... Ian gonna have kids?
I'm afraid Ian and I have not been together for a long time.
He was cheating on me. With someone from his work.
But why do you still wear the ring?
It stops fathers from hitting on me in the playground.
I know it's bad to lie,
but you'd be surprised how crude men can be.
My band broke up six years ago.
God's Sledgehammer fell apart when my bandmates quit.
And I'm not really Christian.
Anything else you've lied about?
[chuckles] No, I think that pretty much covers it.
Okay. Good.
Otherwise I'd have to put you in the naughty corner.
- [chuckles] Uh-oh. - [laughs]
Why don't I stay up on watch?
No, no. You need sleep more than anyone.
Um... I'll step up.
Okay.
'Night.
[moaning]
RADIO: All-unit command, all-unit command.
[sheep bleating]
In order to ensure total annihilation of the infected,
we will proceed with Operation Hailstorm in T-minus one hour.
- [gasps] - Oh!
[quietly]: I've got an idea to get us out of here.
No. No, no, no!
No, no, no.
No.
I'm not going anywhere. Want to know why?
Because I'm the Nickelodeon Kid's Choice Favorite Global Television Presenter
five years running, that's why.
You want to know what that means?
That means to the layman I'm a huge fucking deal.
Someone will notice that I'm missing,
sound the alarm, and come and get me.
We can't stay here indefinitely.
We're good as dead if we stay here. There's no food.
[sighs] We'll eat one of the kids.
I hope you're joking.
Look, Teddy, all we need for you to do is make a distraction
while I make a run for the tractor train.
I drive it to the front door,
we load everyone up, and we drive out of here.
Oh, you're fucked in the head, fatso.
Why can't you go?
I'm not leaving the children alone with you.
Pfft!
If your big idea is to drive in a tractor
designed to pull fuckmonkeys around a farm,
then you're bigger idiots than I thought.
And I thought you were both the stupidest people I've ever met.
- What would you suggest? - The McGigglemobile.
What?
What, are you fucking deaf?
I said in a loud whisper, "The McGigglemobile."
What's the McGigglemobile?
It's my bright red car, you fucking cunt.
I travel around the world in it making memories
and sharing those memories with children all over the country.
Many countries.
Why is that better?
The McGigglemobile has a flap in the roof. The Frogsie flap.
We drive the car around,
the kiddlywinks jump into the McGigglemobile
through the Frogsie flap,
and we drive the fuck out of here.
Who's got the keys?
That actually could work.
Great idea, Teddy.
Great enough for a blow job?
Um... I'm a sex addict.
[whispers]: Hey. Listen.
Be careful when you...
Aarrghh! Goddammit!
[groaning loudly]
Are you okay, Teddy?
Does it look like I'm okay, you shithead?!
ALL: Miss Caroline! Miss Caroline!
- [sighs] - Miss Caroline, I'm hungry.
- I know. - Miss Caroline?
I don't want to play this game anymore. AUDREY: Uh-huh.
It makes no sense, and the zombies look fake.
Miss Caroline, when are we gonna play putt-putt golf?!
Yo! Douchebag! Are we gonna do this thing or what?
What's a douchebag?
It's a small bag that ladies use to irrigate their vaginas.
One, two, three, eyes on me.
CHILDREN: One, two, eyes on you!
[zombies moan outside]
♪ Where it began... ♪
TEDDY: Oh, Jesus.
♪ I can't begin to knowing ♪
♪ But then, I know it's growing strong ♪
♪ Was in the spring ♪
♪ Then spring became the summer ♪
♪ Who'd have believed you'd come along? ♪
[all giggling]
♪ Hands ♪
♪ Touching hands ♪
♪ Reaching out ♪
♪ Touching me, touching you ♪
♪ Miss Caroline ♪
That's you!
♪ Good times never seemed so good ♪
♪ I'd be inclined ♪
♪ To believe they never would ♪
DAVE: Come on, kids. I need your help! Sing it with me.
ALL: ♪ Miss Caroline ♪
♪ Ba-ba-bom ♪
♪ Good times never seemed so good ♪
♪ I'd be inclined ♪
♪ To believe they never would ♪
♪ No, no ♪
♪ Miss Caroline ♪
[children cheering]
I love Neil Diamond too.
Just... wasn't ready to admit it until now.
FELIX: Uncle David? - Hey, buddy.
I'm just ducking out for a bit, okay, mate?
Where are you going?
I'm gonna get us out of here.
Is this still all part of the game?
Yeah! [chuckles]
Yeah, of course it is. Miss Caroline's gonna keep you safe.
You do whatever she tells you to, okay?
She's my teacher. I have to do that.
You're an amazing boy.
Don't let anyone ever tell you you're not strong.
You're the strongest, bravest person I've ever met.
Why are you telling me this?
'Cause you're awesome.
Give me a cuddle.
Okay.
Hey, kids, who wants a ride in the McGigglemobile?
CHILDREN: Yeah! - Yeah!
See you soon, kiddlywinks!
[sobbing]
I see the McGigglemobile.
[crying]: I can't do this. I'm a celebrity.
Want to make up for all the bad things you've done?
All those mums you fucked?
If Pacino were here, what would he say?
He'd encourage me
to magnify and intensify my connection to the material
by understanding my character's emotional experience.
- Well... do that. - [sobs]
Do it for Pacino. I'll distract them.
I'll see you at the McGigglemobile.
- [bangs buckets] - Hey!
Hey! Yeah!
- [zombies moaning] - Yes! Yes!
Fuck!
- [zombies moan] - Hey! Yes!
Hey! Over here!
For Pacino.
[grunts, cries out]
- [zombies moan] - Yes!
[breathing shakily]
Aahhh!
Arggh!
♪
Well, hi-ho, kiddlywinks.
♪
[gasps, shouts]
Arggh! Arggh!
I fucked your mom!
You. Oh, I fucked your mom.
[snarls]
Ow! My ass!
Hyah! How do YOU like it, huh?!
Oh, God! What have I done?
Eugh!
DAVE: Oh, shit!
[car alarm honks]
DAVE: Yes!
- [car alarm honks] - Yes!
[Dave panting]
Fuck. Fuck.
It's locked.
Open the door!
Open the fucking door.
Open the fucking door!
Fuck. - [starts engine]
Open the fucking door, Nathan!
- [Frogsie moaning] - Fuck.
[screaming]
Help me!
I hope you die!
[screaming]
What's happening, Miss Caroline?
Your Uncle David...
is at the McGigglemobile!
[panting, gasping]
[zombies moan and growl]
[Frogsie moaning]
[phone rings]
Tess!
Dave! Oh, God. Where are you?
Uh, I'm at the farm. Miss Caroline and the kids are here.
- Felix? - Yeah, he's with her.
Listen, you need to send someone in to get us.
Okay. Uh, the military have blocked off the road,
but they won't let us through. We're not far from you.
Why aren't you with Felix? Are you okay?
Look, Tess, I need to tell you something.
It's really important,
and I should have done it a long time ago.
But thank you.
- What? - You stepped up.
You always took care of me when things went to shit with mom.
I don't know what I would have done without you.
Thank you, sis. I tried to repay you, but...
I'm pretty sure I've just fucked it.
Ah! No! Fuck!
Stupid fucking frog!
- Boo-Boo? - [zombies snarling on phone]
[shouting]: Miss Caroline, when will we play putt-putt golf?!
Not now, Max.
No! I want to play putt-putt golf now! [shrieks]
- [Max screaming] - Max.
Max! - [continues screaming]
I'm not... I'm not gonna talk to you on that level.
- [Max screaming] - Stop it. Hey.
[zombies growling]
Max, listen to me.
- Miss Caroline! - Beth, I'm speaking.
[screaming]
- Miss Caroline! - What is it, Beth?!
Felix is gone!
[gasps]
♪
[breathing like Darth Vader]
Pew, pew! Pew! Pew, pew, pew!
Pew! Pew, pew!
[zombie moans]
[imitates lightsaber]
[lamb bleating]
[bleating]
[metal clanking]
[breathing like Darth Vader]
[zombies snarling]
[zombies moaning loudly]
[zombies moaning]
[engine approaching]
FELIX: Hi, Uncle David! DAVE: Felix!
FELIX: I'm on the tractor!
Oopsy!
Felix! Felix!
[zombies snarling]
Here, Uncle David!
Uncle David! Over here!
DAVE: Ha ha!
I told you you were the bravest person I'd ever met.
Yeah? FELIX: The clutch is on the left.
The clutch is on the left. Stay in character.
FELIX [gruffly]: The clutch is on the left.
It doesn't matter if we don't win the game, Miss Caroline.
[engine rumbling]
DAVE: Felix did it!
I used my putter as a shooty gun.
Pew, pew! Pew! - Whoa!
There's heaps of them out there, though. We've got to go!
One, two, three! Eyes on me!
CHILDREN: One, two! Eyes on you!
Who wants to play putt-putt golf?!
DAVE: Arggh! - [children shrieking]
AUDREY: Careful, duckies! Watch out!
CHILDREN [chanting]: Go, Max! Go, Max! Go, Max!
Ha ha! You suck, you guys!
ALL: Yay!
Okay. Sit down, now.
Good boy.
DAVE: I spoke to Tess!
She said the military is on the road!
We just have to make it there! - Thank you.
[zombie moaning]
[strumming ukulele]
Okay. Remember this one? Sing with me, now.
♪ The wheels on the bus go round and round ♪
♪ Round and round, round and round ♪
♪ The wheels on the bus go round and round ♪
♪ All through the town ♪
[indistinct children chatter]
♪ Old Macdonald had a farm ♪
♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪
[children cheering]
[zombies cheering]
Miss Caroline!
[zombies moaning loudly]
♪ If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands ♪
[laughs]
♪ If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands ♪
[children giggling]
♪ If you're happy and you know it, say hooray ♪
ALL: Hooray!
[zombies moan]
♪ If you're happy and you know it, say hooray ♪
ALL: Hooray!
[zombies moan]
♪ If you're happy and you know it ♪
♪ And you really want to show it ♪
♪ If you're happy and you know it, say hooray ♪
CHILDREN: Hooray!
[zombies moaning]
SOLDIER: Let's go!
Move, move, move, move, move, move!
[helicopter flies overhead]
RADIO: Waiting for confirmation to engage Hailstorm.
Target is T-minus...
Sir, what is it?
Looks like we've got some survivors.
They could be infected.
Hey!
♪ Three little ducks went out one day ♪
♪ Over the hills and far away
♪ Mother Duck said quack, quack, quack... ♪
How many are there?
There's at least two.
One man driving a tractor, a woman... playing a small guitar.
Sir, that's a ukulele, sir!
Well, whatever it is, they're gonna be obliterated.
♪ Two little ducks went out one day
♪ Over the hills and far away... ♪
Okay, let's bring 'em closer.
Everyone hold position!
Let us through!
Wait for my command!
♪ ...little duck went out one day ♪
♪ Over the hills and... ♪
Is that singing?
- Who would be singing? - Maybe it's the zombies, sir.
Zombies don't sing.
[zombies quack incoherently]
♪ Five little ducks came back... ♪
We got tiny children!
- Did he just say kids? - Yes, sir.
Kids.
Goddammit!
- [singing continues] - Sir.
I can't shoot kids. Again.
Sir!
That's against protocol, sir!
All right, let 'em through! Let 'em through!
♪
- ♪ Five little ducks came back ♪ - Hey, this... it's music!
They're harmless when you play music!
[children cheering]
You've just got to sing them a song. Sing them a song!
Open fire!
[zombies groaning]
[children screaming]
It's okay!
Okay, you... you all need...
Okay. No, no, no. Quick, quick. Come on.
Okay. Only one at a time.
RADIO: Engage Hailstorm.
[jets roar]
[children chatter]
[Dave and Audrey panting]
- Whew! - [both laughing]
I'm sorry. I...
[explosion]
ALL: Whoa!
Fireworks, everyone.
[children screaming]
Hey! Hey! Put them down! DAVE: What are you doing?!
AUDREY: Put them down! - Hey, man!
Felix, it's fine!
[Max screaming]
SOLDIER: [groans] Jesus Christ!
[helicopter flies overhead]
Is this the good news room or the bad news room?
Good news room, sir.
[all clamoring]
All right!
Everyone needs to stop yelling!
Where are our children?!
Every class member is safe and accounted for.
Can someone please tell us what's happened to them?
Your children got caught up in a, uh... a situation.
- Well, what the hell does that mean? - I can't go into specifics.
But what I can say is it could have been a lot worse
if it weren't for the actions of their teachers.
- But they only have one teacher. - Miss Caroline.
Yeah, Audrey Caroline and David, uh...
- Anderson. - Anderson.
That's my brother. That's Felix's uncle.
Well, Miss Caroline and Mr. Anderson managed to protect your children
in a potentially lethal situation for which there is no precedent.
I'm... still not quite sure how they did it.
They're currently in quarantine,
and we will need to monitor them for the next 48 hours.
They okay? They must be terrified.
Oh, I wouldn't worry about that.
[ukulele playing]
♪ I stay up too late ♪
♪ Got nothing in my brain ♪
♪ That's what people say, mm-mm ♪
BOTH: ♪ I go on too many dates ♪
♪ But I can't make 'em stay ♪
♪ At least, that's what people say, mm-mm ♪
♪ That's what people say, mm-mm ♪
♪ But I keep cruising ♪
♪ Can't stop, won't stop moving ♪
♪ It's like I've got this music in my mind ♪
♪ Saying it's gonna be all right ♪
♪ 'Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play ♪
♪ And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate ♪
♪ Baby, I just wanna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake ♪
♪ Shake it off, shake it off ♪
♪ Heartbreakers gonna break, break, break, break, break ♪
♪ And the fakers gonna fake, fake, fake, fake, fake ♪
♪ Baby, I just wanna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake ♪
♪ I shake it off, I shake it off ♪
♪ I shake it off, I shake it off, ah-ah ♪
♪ I shake it off, I shake it off ♪
AUDREY: And again now!
♪ Shake it off, shake it off, ah-ah ♪
♪ I shake it off, I shake it off, ah-ah ♪
♪ I shake it off I shake it off! ♪
[children cheering]
BOY: Hi, mommy! GIRL: Hi, Daddy!
♪ pop music playing ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ Oh, oh ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ You have so many relationships in this life ♪
♪ Only one or two may last ♪
♪ You go through all the pain and strife ♪
♪ Then you turn your back and they're gone so fast ♪
♪ Ooh, yeah ♪
♪ And they're gone so fast, yeah ♪
♪ Oh, so hold on to the ones who really care ♪
♪ In the end, they'll be the only ones there ♪
♪ And when you get old and start losing your hair ♪
♪ Can you tell me who will still care? ♪
♪ Oh, care ♪
♪ Mmmbop, ba duba dop ♪
♪ Ba du bop, ba duba dop ♪
♪ Ba du, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Mmmbop, ba duba dop ♪
♪ Ba du bop, ba duba dop ♪
♪ Ba du, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Said, oh, yeah ♪
♪ In an mmmbop they're gone ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Mmmbop ♪
♪ Du bop ♪
♪ Du, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Mmmbop Oh, yeah ♪
♪ Du bop ♪
♪ Du, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Can you tell me? ♪
♪ Oh, no, you can't, 'cause you don't know ♪
♪ Can you tell me? ♪
♪ You say you can, but you don't know ♪
♪
TEDDY: ♪ Come with us ♪
♪ As we giggle around ♪
♪ In the McGigglemobile ♪
♪ Traveling the whole world ♪
♪ Sharing special memories with the kiddlywinks ♪
♪ Kiddlywinks ♪
FROGSIE: Take it away, Teddy.
TEDDY: ♪ There's no use ignoring ♪
♪ All our giggling and guffawing ♪
♪ As we shower the whole world with fun ♪
♪ Time and time again, we will McGiggle with new friends ♪
♪ Because our giggles are for everyone ♪
♪ Come giggle ♪
♪ I'll giggle with you ♪
FROGSIE: Teddy, that's beautiful!
♪ Let's giggle ♪
♪ We'll giggle all together ♪
♪ I feel giggly when we sing this song ♪
♪ Life's so fun when you giggle along ♪
♪ Life's so fun ♪
♪ When you giggle along ♪
FROGSIE: I love you, Teddy.
TEDDY: Eat shit, Frogsie.