1 00:00:04,460 --> 00:00:05,546 Previously on Kidding... 2 00:00:05,547 --> 00:00:06,673 He needs a new liver, 3 00:00:06,674 --> 00:00:07,881 - or it will fail. - De-liver me. 4 00:00:07,882 --> 00:00:09,718 - We're getting a divorce. - When Phil died, 5 00:00:09,719 --> 00:00:10,759 did you donate his organs? 6 00:00:10,760 --> 00:00:12,119 - No. - I am listening. 7 00:00:12,120 --> 00:00:14,263 Listening to the demand for a follow-up toy 8 00:00:14,264 --> 00:00:15,439 like Play-With-Me Pickles. 9 00:00:15,440 --> 00:00:17,299 Puppet Time will be back on the air 10 00:00:17,300 --> 00:00:18,479 within six months. 11 00:00:18,480 --> 00:00:20,420 - You have my word. - You're fired. 12 00:00:24,450 --> 00:00:26,109 Hello, Pickle Pals. 13 00:00:26,110 --> 00:00:28,699 It's so good to see you today. 14 00:00:28,700 --> 00:00:30,990 It's so good to see you every day. 15 00:00:31,870 --> 00:00:33,499 What do you see? 16 00:00:33,500 --> 00:00:36,039 Do you see my couch and my room? 17 00:00:36,040 --> 00:00:38,289 Do you see the sky outside my window? 18 00:00:39,250 --> 00:00:40,829 What else do you see? 19 00:00:44,660 --> 00:00:46,079 Soap Scum! 20 00:00:46,080 --> 00:00:48,019 Purple is the color of kings. 21 00:00:48,020 --> 00:00:49,949 Let's take a trip to Pickle Barrel Falls. 22 00:00:49,950 --> 00:00:51,069 ♪ What do you do? ♪ 23 00:00:51,070 --> 00:00:53,659 ♪ What do you do? ♪ 24 00:00:53,660 --> 00:00:56,139 ♪ Don't be afraid when you don't know ♪ 25 00:00:56,140 --> 00:00:58,224 Whistling is easy. 26 00:00:58,225 --> 00:01:01,579 I'll always be here for you, my friends. 27 00:01:01,580 --> 00:01:02,895 Always. 28 00:01:07,220 --> 00:01:09,402 If you've tuned in for Mr. Pickles' Puppet Time, 29 00:01:09,403 --> 00:01:10,699 we're sorry, kids, 30 00:01:10,700 --> 00:01:11,999 he's not here right now. 31 00:01:12,000 --> 00:01:14,869 But I am, with Columbus' top news magazine. 32 00:01:14,870 --> 00:01:16,569 Where'd you go? 33 00:01:20,700 --> 00:01:25,199 - Synced & corrected by MementMori - -- www.addic7ed.com -- 34 00:01:33,290 --> 00:01:35,390 Dr. Devin to dialysis. 35 00:01:35,410 --> 00:01:37,039 Dr. Devin to dialysis. 36 00:01:37,040 --> 00:01:39,349 There's four more bins at the nurses' station. 37 00:01:39,350 --> 00:01:41,602 But we didn't want to overwhelm you with fan mail. 38 00:01:41,603 --> 00:01:43,329 Fans are for pop stars. 39 00:01:43,330 --> 00:01:45,249 We call it friend mail. 40 00:01:45,250 --> 00:01:47,440 And you can never have too many friends. 41 00:01:47,441 --> 00:01:48,899 Wherever you're going, 42 00:01:48,900 --> 00:01:50,079 you shouldn't be walking there without me. 43 00:01:50,080 --> 00:01:51,944 Did Peter get my oversized lollipop? 44 00:01:51,945 --> 00:01:53,149 Yes. 45 00:01:53,150 --> 00:01:54,319 I should go talk to him. 46 00:01:54,320 --> 00:01:56,324 I don't think your wife wants that to happen. 47 00:01:56,325 --> 00:01:57,459 What makes you say that? 48 00:01:57,460 --> 00:01:59,380 Because she said she doesn't want that to happen. 49 00:02:00,190 --> 00:02:02,159 He wants to talk to you, though. 50 00:02:02,160 --> 00:02:03,666 They all do. 51 00:02:07,127 --> 00:02:08,829 Dear Mr. Pickles, 52 00:02:08,830 --> 00:02:11,999 first of all, merry Christmas and a happy New Year. 53 00:02:12,000 --> 00:02:13,499 Dear Mr. Pickles, what do you do 54 00:02:13,500 --> 00:02:15,593 when you feel like no one wants to be your friend? 55 00:02:15,594 --> 00:02:17,959 Dear Mr. Pickles, how do you spell "raisin"? 56 00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:19,759 Is this how you spell raisin? 57 00:02:19,760 --> 00:02:20,769 Dear Jeff, 58 00:02:20,770 --> 00:02:23,659 it's Peter, the guy you hit with your car. 59 00:02:23,660 --> 00:02:25,399 I got your lollipop. 60 00:02:25,400 --> 00:02:27,039 I really want to talk with you, 61 00:02:27,040 --> 00:02:29,104 but I don't see Jill letting that happen. 62 00:02:29,105 --> 00:02:30,939 Hi, Mr. Pickles, I'm Judy. 63 00:02:30,940 --> 00:02:33,239 You have been with me in every foster home 64 00:02:33,240 --> 00:02:35,819 I've ever lived at in my whole, entire life. 65 00:02:35,820 --> 00:02:37,299 But you're not at my new one. 66 00:02:37,300 --> 00:02:38,699 I checked every channel. 67 00:02:38,700 --> 00:02:41,160 Guess I just wanted to let you know I miss you. 68 00:02:43,664 --> 00:02:47,250 P.S. I know you don't have a TV show anymore, 69 00:02:47,251 --> 00:02:49,499 but please figure out a way to come back. 70 00:02:53,750 --> 00:03:00,280 _ 71 00:03:08,000 --> 00:03:10,816 I hear the pain of my fellow man. 72 00:03:11,660 --> 00:03:12,949 I'm sorry, I... 73 00:03:12,950 --> 00:03:14,199 I thought I was alone. 74 00:03:14,200 --> 00:03:15,737 What's your trouble? 75 00:03:15,738 --> 00:03:17,989 I've been told I'm a good listener 76 00:03:17,990 --> 00:03:20,158 because I bleed when I talk. 77 00:03:20,159 --> 00:03:21,619 Go ahead. 78 00:03:21,620 --> 00:03:23,328 I'm only ears. 79 00:03:24,040 --> 00:03:25,659 I have too many friends. 80 00:03:25,660 --> 00:03:28,082 Well, I don't have any friends. 81 00:03:28,083 --> 00:03:30,829 I used to trust everyone. 82 00:03:30,830 --> 00:03:34,019 Now I see the world for what it is: 83 00:03:34,020 --> 00:03:36,099 an airport motel room 84 00:03:36,100 --> 00:03:39,450 where people line up to fuck you in the throat. 85 00:03:41,830 --> 00:03:43,839 Wow, I'm... 86 00:03:43,840 --> 00:03:45,879 truly sorry for... 87 00:03:45,880 --> 00:03:47,359 whatever happened to you. 88 00:03:47,360 --> 00:03:48,771 That's okay. 89 00:03:48,772 --> 00:03:51,949 Please, continue. 90 00:03:51,950 --> 00:03:54,799 My friends need me. 91 00:03:54,800 --> 00:03:56,910 I don't know how to talk to them all. 92 00:03:58,660 --> 00:04:00,119 It's like someone's... 93 00:04:00,120 --> 00:04:01,999 taken away my voice. 94 00:04:02,000 --> 00:04:04,519 I know how you feel. 95 00:04:04,520 --> 00:04:06,454 I know exactly how to fix it. 96 00:04:06,455 --> 00:04:09,123 But it's gonna invite a lot of controversy. 97 00:04:09,124 --> 00:04:11,709 It's gonna make some people not like me. 98 00:04:11,710 --> 00:04:14,909 Not everyone has to be your friend. 99 00:04:14,910 --> 00:04:19,519 Do you know how we know Jesus was a real person? 100 00:04:19,520 --> 00:04:22,579 Because people didn't like him. 101 00:04:22,580 --> 00:04:24,749 He had enemies. 102 00:04:24,750 --> 00:04:28,579 If everyone has something nice to say about you, 103 00:04:28,580 --> 00:04:32,563 history questions your very existence. 104 00:04:32,564 --> 00:04:33,999 Do you have enemies? 105 00:04:37,370 --> 00:04:40,749 Every champion has enemies. 106 00:04:42,449 --> 00:04:44,367 I want the piano. 107 00:04:44,368 --> 00:04:46,619 - You don't play the piano. - I'm gonna take lessons. 108 00:04:46,620 --> 00:04:49,070 I know some guy who gives 'em. 109 00:04:49,700 --> 00:04:52,659 You're going to learn an instrument to spite me? 110 00:04:52,660 --> 00:04:54,539 No, I'm gonna learn an instrument to break you. 111 00:04:54,540 --> 00:04:58,000 Well, I want full custody of our daughter. 112 00:04:59,370 --> 00:05:00,550 What? 113 00:05:00,551 --> 00:05:02,718 You are completely unfit to be a mother. 114 00:05:02,719 --> 00:05:04,220 And if you'd like, I can throw up 115 00:05:04,221 --> 00:05:06,279 an alphabet of exhibits in front of a judge 116 00:05:06,280 --> 00:05:07,340 to back up that sentiment. 117 00:05:07,349 --> 00:05:10,759 Well, I have an alphabet of hand jobs. 118 00:05:10,760 --> 00:05:12,270 So let's not go down that road. 119 00:05:12,271 --> 00:05:14,397 I'm not going to abandon my kid. 120 00:05:14,398 --> 00:05:16,749 We agreed, split everything 50-50. 121 00:05:16,750 --> 00:05:18,777 Do you know what a forensic accountant is? 122 00:05:18,778 --> 00:05:20,219 No, I do not. 123 00:05:20,220 --> 00:05:23,189 Okay, well, I hired one to go through our bank accounts 124 00:05:23,190 --> 00:05:24,369 to find out what's what 125 00:05:24,370 --> 00:05:26,829 and what's mine and what's yours, 126 00:05:26,830 --> 00:05:29,149 and he found something he called odd 127 00:05:29,150 --> 00:05:30,399 but I call curious 128 00:05:30,400 --> 00:05:33,109 and the IRS would call illegal. 129 00:05:34,750 --> 00:05:36,659 My books are clean. 130 00:05:36,660 --> 00:05:39,399 Every year, you donate hundreds of thousands of dollars 131 00:05:39,400 --> 00:05:40,880 to a charity called 132 00:05:40,883 --> 00:05:42,675 the Indica School for Girls. 133 00:05:42,676 --> 00:05:45,079 I poured my heart and soul into that institution. 134 00:05:45,080 --> 00:05:48,139 But there is no Indica School for Girls. 135 00:05:48,140 --> 00:05:49,432 And while we're at it, 136 00:05:49,433 --> 00:05:51,539 there's no Sativa School for Sluts 137 00:05:51,540 --> 00:05:53,829 or Heroin High School for Horses. 138 00:05:53,830 --> 00:05:56,739 There's just receipts from hotels in Belize 139 00:05:56,740 --> 00:05:58,409 and poolside omelets! 140 00:05:58,410 --> 00:06:01,379 I built a real school for real girls. 141 00:06:01,380 --> 00:06:03,409 It's just... 142 00:06:03,410 --> 00:06:06,073 in the woods, and there's no phone. 143 00:06:06,074 --> 00:06:08,451 - And what's their mascot? - The Dinosaurs. 144 00:06:08,452 --> 00:06:10,829 The Indica School for Girls Dinosaurs. 145 00:06:10,830 --> 00:06:11,859 Yes. 146 00:06:11,860 --> 00:06:14,370 - Los Dinos. - Well, I don't Belize you. 147 00:06:16,850 --> 00:06:18,869 You've been pocketing that cash. 148 00:06:18,870 --> 00:06:21,899 And in exchange for not telling the feds 149 00:06:21,900 --> 00:06:23,842 that you started a fake charity, 150 00:06:23,843 --> 00:06:27,220 I want full custody of Maddy! 151 00:06:31,830 --> 00:06:34,839 Well, I'm not prepared to accept that offer. 152 00:06:34,840 --> 00:06:35,849 Well, then eat a dick. 153 00:06:35,850 --> 00:06:37,570 You eat a fucking dick. 154 00:06:51,244 --> 00:06:54,246 I'm not angry that you fired me. 155 00:06:54,247 --> 00:06:56,659 I had two important jobs, 156 00:06:56,660 --> 00:07:00,320 and I forgot the one about being your father. 157 00:07:00,330 --> 00:07:04,119 I've chosen to take this quasi-homicidal incident 158 00:07:04,120 --> 00:07:05,659 with, um... 159 00:07:05,660 --> 00:07:08,449 what is that unfortunate man's name again? 160 00:07:08,450 --> 00:07:10,579 - Peter? - Peter, yes, 161 00:07:10,580 --> 00:07:12,749 as confirmation of all this. 162 00:07:12,750 --> 00:07:15,101 I'm stepping away from the business. 163 00:07:15,102 --> 00:07:16,619 I won't put up a fight. 164 00:07:16,620 --> 00:07:19,289 It's your show now, and I'm just your dad. 165 00:07:19,290 --> 00:07:20,659 Great. 166 00:07:20,660 --> 00:07:23,079 Because I have a wonderful idea. 167 00:07:23,080 --> 00:07:25,528 Oh. Tell me about it. 168 00:07:25,529 --> 00:07:28,199 Picture me in every child's room... 169 00:07:28,200 --> 00:07:30,740 - Mm-hmm. - 24-7. 170 00:07:32,420 --> 00:07:34,740 Oh. 171 00:07:34,746 --> 00:07:36,749 Forget Talk-To-Me Pickles. 172 00:07:36,750 --> 00:07:39,329 We're gonna build Listen-To-Me Pickles. 173 00:07:39,330 --> 00:07:41,699 See, it's got a microchip inside it 174 00:07:41,700 --> 00:07:43,539 so kids can talk to me 175 00:07:43,540 --> 00:07:44,979 and I can talk to them, 176 00:07:44,980 --> 00:07:46,382 instantly, over the airwaves. 177 00:07:46,383 --> 00:07:47,539 Well, it's aggressive. 178 00:07:47,540 --> 00:07:49,051 I even have a tagline for the box: 179 00:07:49,052 --> 00:07:52,764 "Jeff Pickles is always listening to you." 180 00:07:53,800 --> 00:07:54,840 Uh-huh. 181 00:07:54,850 --> 00:07:57,351 They're already going to sleep with the doll in their arms. 182 00:07:57,352 --> 00:07:59,099 Now I get to wish them good night. 183 00:07:59,100 --> 00:08:01,369 Mm. 184 00:08:01,370 --> 00:08:03,789 I want eight inches of me 185 00:08:03,790 --> 00:08:06,777 in every child's bed. 186 00:08:06,778 --> 00:08:09,499 Now, I understand there may be some skeptics out there... 187 00:08:09,500 --> 00:08:11,699 privacy issues and all. 188 00:08:11,700 --> 00:08:15,449 But social media is a brain cancer. 189 00:08:15,450 --> 00:08:17,659 This is our way around it. 190 00:08:17,660 --> 00:08:20,279 I'll, uh, call my contact at Toyco. 191 00:08:20,280 --> 00:08:21,869 We'll see what she thinks. 192 00:08:21,870 --> 00:08:23,699 That's okay. 193 00:08:23,700 --> 00:08:25,039 I should call her. 194 00:08:25,040 --> 00:08:27,631 Right. Um... 195 00:08:27,632 --> 00:08:29,329 will you do me a favor? 196 00:08:29,330 --> 00:08:31,919 Um, your sister needs you. 197 00:08:31,920 --> 00:08:33,749 She's going through a divorce. 198 00:08:33,750 --> 00:08:35,449 Will you stay with her for a bit? 199 00:08:35,450 --> 00:08:37,309 I mean, you don't want to convalesce 200 00:08:37,310 --> 00:08:41,119 in your sad little hovel, do you? 201 00:08:41,120 --> 00:08:42,460 I like my apartment. 202 00:08:42,470 --> 00:08:44,479 Please, just till she gets on her feet. 203 00:08:44,480 --> 00:08:48,069 I'm asking you, as the father. 204 00:09:09,330 --> 00:09:11,340 Huh? 205 00:09:11,350 --> 00:09:13,460 - Do me a favor. - Anything. 206 00:09:13,470 --> 00:09:15,409 Hi, how are you? 207 00:09:15,410 --> 00:09:16,890 Whatever you need. 208 00:09:17,440 --> 00:09:19,199 - Your brother needs you. - Oh. 209 00:09:19,200 --> 00:09:20,949 He's going through his divorce. 210 00:09:20,950 --> 00:09:22,669 I feel it would be a good idea 211 00:09:22,670 --> 00:09:24,329 if he moved in with you, 212 00:09:24,330 --> 00:09:25,606 just till he gets back on his feet. 213 00:09:25,607 --> 00:09:27,179 Oh, where is Jeff? 214 00:09:27,180 --> 00:09:28,899 Inching his way up the driveway. 215 00:09:28,900 --> 00:09:29,909 Does he need help or... 216 00:09:29,910 --> 00:09:32,949 Can you help me with this little favor? 217 00:09:32,950 --> 00:09:34,989 Yes! Deirdre is here to help. 218 00:09:34,990 --> 00:09:36,075 Are you okay? 219 00:09:36,076 --> 00:09:37,749 Do you hear a helicopter? 220 00:09:37,750 --> 00:09:38,787 No. 221 00:09:39,700 --> 00:09:42,660 I'd like you to do me another favor. 222 00:09:42,666 --> 00:09:45,369 - Done. - You don't know what it is yet. 223 00:09:45,370 --> 00:09:47,711 I'm sure when I hear it, I'll dig it all the way to China. 224 00:09:47,712 --> 00:09:49,619 I want you... 225 00:09:49,620 --> 00:09:50,841 to take over the business. 226 00:09:51,480 --> 00:09:52,550 I'm retiring. 227 00:09:52,551 --> 00:09:53,699 I'm tired. 228 00:09:53,700 --> 00:09:55,511 It's time for this old sailor to... 229 00:09:55,512 --> 00:09:57,138 I thought Jeff fired you. 230 00:09:57,139 --> 00:09:59,039 Does it matter whose idea it was? 231 00:09:59,040 --> 00:10:00,432 Are you sure he's okay? 232 00:10:00,433 --> 00:10:01,749 Yes. 233 00:10:01,750 --> 00:10:03,639 He's almost at the planters. 234 00:10:03,640 --> 00:10:06,559 - Oh. - I know you're going to say 235 00:10:06,560 --> 00:10:08,607 that you have no experience with things like this. 236 00:10:08,608 --> 00:10:10,402 But I believe in you. 237 00:10:13,120 --> 00:10:14,649 I'm in. I got it. 238 00:10:14,650 --> 00:10:18,700 The most important thing is to gently but firmly... 239 00:10:19,490 --> 00:10:22,705 sit on your brother's worst impulses. 240 00:10:22,706 --> 00:10:23,956 Mm, mm-hmm. 241 00:10:25,667 --> 00:10:27,918 - Did he tell you my idea? - No, what? 242 00:10:27,919 --> 00:10:29,879 I want to create a Wi-Fi-connected doll 243 00:10:29,880 --> 00:10:31,789 that lets me talk to America's children 244 00:10:31,790 --> 00:10:33,425 completely unsupervised. 245 00:10:34,250 --> 00:10:37,304 I love it. I fucking love it! 246 00:11:02,662 --> 00:11:05,956 _ 247 00:11:13,590 --> 00:11:16,551 _ 248 00:11:22,015 --> 00:11:25,185 _ 249 00:11:32,440 --> 00:11:36,321 _ 250 00:11:39,282 --> 00:11:41,999 As your friend and your realtor, 251 00:11:42,000 --> 00:11:44,919 I'm afraid I have to advise you strongly 252 00:11:44,920 --> 00:11:47,370 not to put this place on the market right now. 253 00:11:47,374 --> 00:11:50,249 When I purchased this house, 254 00:11:50,250 --> 00:11:51,869 I imagined living in a mirror image 255 00:11:51,870 --> 00:11:54,339 of my former home would be therapeutic, 256 00:11:54,340 --> 00:11:56,640 healing. 257 00:11:56,650 --> 00:12:01,039 Instead, it just made me yearn for a past I couldn't revive... 258 00:12:01,040 --> 00:12:05,370 promised me a future double-dipped in melancholy. 259 00:12:06,977 --> 00:12:08,853 A two-story coffin. 260 00:12:10,000 --> 00:12:12,259 A shadowed canyon where memories echo 261 00:12:12,260 --> 00:12:15,159 off the vinyl siding... 262 00:12:15,160 --> 00:12:19,281 and crash silently into the void. 263 00:12:20,870 --> 00:12:22,749 You seem motivated. 264 00:12:22,750 --> 00:12:24,329 Let me draw up the paperwork. 265 00:12:24,330 --> 00:12:26,412 We can have this up on Zillow by the end of the week. 266 00:12:26,413 --> 00:12:28,159 You do that, Joanne. 267 00:12:45,500 --> 00:12:47,350 Peter? 268 00:12:50,440 --> 00:12:51,789 I'm glad you're here. 269 00:12:51,790 --> 00:12:53,982 - What's this? - Do you have a pen? 270 00:12:55,200 --> 00:12:56,317 I always have a pen, 271 00:12:56,318 --> 00:12:57,610 It's not for me. It's for you. 272 00:13:01,200 --> 00:13:02,329 No. 273 00:13:02,330 --> 00:13:04,459 Don't try to talk to him. Don't apologize. 274 00:13:04,460 --> 00:13:05,739 Don't do that thing where you sow hate 275 00:13:05,740 --> 00:13:08,119 and it blooms into love. Nobody wants that right now. 276 00:13:08,120 --> 00:13:10,122 - Peter might. - Have you been talking to him? 277 00:13:10,123 --> 00:13:12,719 - Do you guys talk somehow? - No. 278 00:13:12,720 --> 00:13:13,751 Why? 279 00:13:13,752 --> 00:13:16,128 Nothing. Never mind. 280 00:13:16,129 --> 00:13:18,048 Did he tell you about a song we did together? 281 00:13:18,740 --> 00:13:20,339 Don't squeeze it, don't squash it, 282 00:13:20,340 --> 00:13:21,670 contain, or kibosh it! 283 00:13:21,676 --> 00:13:22,680 No. 284 00:13:26,580 --> 00:13:27,829 What about closure? 285 00:13:27,830 --> 00:13:29,016 That's what I'm trying to give you. 286 00:13:29,017 --> 00:13:31,436 This is something you should have signed a long time ago. 287 00:13:33,920 --> 00:13:36,229 There are 16 years of magic in this envelope. 288 00:13:36,230 --> 00:13:37,691 Don't romanticize the envelope. 289 00:13:37,692 --> 00:13:38,769 We should have a ceremony, 290 00:13:38,770 --> 00:13:39,779 - don't you think? - Mm-mm. 291 00:13:39,780 --> 00:13:41,159 Commemorate the end of our relationship 292 00:13:41,160 --> 00:13:42,613 the way we commemorated the beginning of it? 293 00:13:42,614 --> 00:13:45,079 I'm not inviting 150 people and 11 puppets 294 00:13:45,080 --> 00:13:47,034 to a sit-down dinner to watch us get a divorce. 295 00:13:47,035 --> 00:13:48,749 How do we tell the Dalai Lama? 296 00:13:48,750 --> 00:13:50,439 He has his own problems, 297 00:13:50,440 --> 00:13:52,019 like China, for instance. 298 00:13:52,020 --> 00:13:53,379 I'm just gonna read it over. 299 00:13:53,380 --> 00:13:56,039 Why? It's already agreed to. Just sign it. 300 00:13:56,040 --> 00:13:57,049 - I know. I know. - Get it over with. 301 00:13:57,050 --> 00:13:58,999 - I'm not arguing with you. I just... - You are arguing with me. 302 00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:00,899 I just want to make sure we're doing our due diligence. 303 00:14:00,900 --> 00:14:02,139 We already did our due diligence. 304 00:14:02,140 --> 00:14:03,940 We paid the lawyer so much money 305 00:14:03,950 --> 00:14:05,659 - for due diligence. - Did we do our due diligence, though? 306 00:14:05,660 --> 00:14:07,879 - I don't know. - Jeff, I'm so confused. 307 00:14:10,580 --> 00:14:13,179 "Begin by closing your eyes 308 00:14:13,180 --> 00:14:16,898 and seeing the moment in time you'd like to return to." 309 00:14:21,440 --> 00:14:22,559 Got it. 310 00:14:22,560 --> 00:14:25,689 Now surround yourself with the past. 311 00:14:37,919 --> 00:14:39,789 Maybe put them on his bed. 312 00:14:57,740 --> 00:14:58,773 Now what? 313 00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:04,619 "That was the easy part. 314 00:15:04,620 --> 00:15:07,949 This trick, if you can call it a trick, 315 00:15:07,950 --> 00:15:10,451 is incredibly difficult to pull off. 316 00:15:10,452 --> 00:15:12,704 It all depends on one thing." 317 00:15:14,020 --> 00:15:16,370 - _ - What's the one thing? 318 00:15:16,374 --> 00:15:17,379 It's... 319 00:15:17,380 --> 00:15:18,668 Whoa! 320 00:15:20,545 --> 00:15:21,549 Oh! 321 00:15:21,550 --> 00:15:23,329 Fucking shit tits. 322 00:15:33,790 --> 00:15:36,579 Yikes, you think he found my stash? 323 00:15:36,580 --> 00:15:38,179 What stash? 324 00:15:47,600 --> 00:15:50,789 How'd you know this door was here? 325 00:15:50,790 --> 00:15:52,201 Whenever I go into a new home, 326 00:15:52,202 --> 00:15:53,828 I always search for the smallest door. 327 00:15:55,160 --> 00:15:57,479 Every house has an elf that lives in its walls 328 00:15:57,480 --> 00:15:59,989 and controls the heat, air-conditioning, 329 00:15:59,990 --> 00:16:01,040 and karmic flow. 330 00:16:01,044 --> 00:16:03,039 I was cold, so I figured, 331 00:16:03,040 --> 00:16:04,659 find the smallest door, 332 00:16:04,660 --> 00:16:07,659 find the elf, leave a token of friendship, 333 00:16:07,660 --> 00:16:08,842 adjust the humidity. 334 00:16:08,843 --> 00:16:11,053 Dude. Fuck your Icelandic parents. 335 00:16:11,054 --> 00:16:12,499 He gets time travel, 336 00:16:12,500 --> 00:16:15,680 but I can't have my fucking sprites and wall nymphs? 337 00:16:17,410 --> 00:16:21,063 This house and my house are identical. 338 00:16:21,064 --> 00:16:24,449 So if there's a little door 339 00:16:24,450 --> 00:16:27,439 in the back of this closet... 340 00:16:27,440 --> 00:16:28,479 then... 341 00:16:54,800 --> 00:16:56,170 _ 342 00:16:56,190 --> 00:16:58,040 _ 343 00:16:58,740 --> 00:17:00,220 _ 344 00:17:00,250 --> 00:17:01,810 _ 345 00:17:08,260 --> 00:17:12,115 _ 346 00:17:17,700 --> 00:17:19,499 Sorry I'm here so early. 347 00:17:19,500 --> 00:17:21,124 Not a problem. I'll let them know. 348 00:17:23,220 --> 00:17:25,039 I wanted to make sure we cleared out 349 00:17:25,040 --> 00:17:27,019 all the Play-With-Me Pickles before he got here. 350 00:17:27,020 --> 00:17:28,489 My niece's first grade teacher 351 00:17:28,490 --> 00:17:30,299 saw me give her a prototype. 352 00:17:30,300 --> 00:17:31,340 I almost got arrested. 353 00:17:31,350 --> 00:17:33,468 I love his web-connected doll idea. 354 00:17:33,469 --> 00:17:35,888 It's like Willy Wonka reaching through your television. 355 00:17:36,980 --> 00:17:38,819 I agree; I think it's the future 356 00:17:38,820 --> 00:17:41,159 of letting someone else raise your kid. 357 00:17:43,330 --> 00:17:45,199 Sally said you were in here. 358 00:17:45,200 --> 00:17:47,816 - They said you weren't coming. - I'm not. I'm not here. 359 00:17:47,817 --> 00:17:50,159 I never was. Listen. 360 00:17:50,160 --> 00:17:52,696 I've changed my mind about the dick with shoes. 361 00:17:52,697 --> 00:17:54,406 I think that's the one we go with. 362 00:17:54,407 --> 00:17:57,619 The team's pretty ecstatic about the Listen-To-Me Pickles. 363 00:17:57,620 --> 00:18:01,329 - It listens. - It's ludicrously unsafe 364 00:18:01,330 --> 00:18:04,166 to give Jeff that kind of unfettered reach. 365 00:18:04,167 --> 00:18:06,219 Dad, it would be dishonest to say 366 00:18:06,220 --> 00:18:07,909 I can't hear and see you. 367 00:18:07,910 --> 00:18:09,749 You need to let go. 368 00:18:09,750 --> 00:18:11,840 You need to think this through, Jeff. 369 00:18:11,841 --> 00:18:15,159 What if a child calls you on that thing 370 00:18:15,160 --> 00:18:17,054 and threatens to kill themselves? 371 00:18:17,055 --> 00:18:18,329 Then I'll be there to help. 372 00:18:18,330 --> 00:18:19,389 All right. 373 00:18:19,390 --> 00:18:21,159 What if a parent calls 374 00:18:21,160 --> 00:18:22,810 and wants to kill you? 375 00:18:24,420 --> 00:18:25,560 Let them. 376 00:18:25,570 --> 00:18:28,399 Your Christmas speech knocked us off the air. 377 00:18:28,400 --> 00:18:31,479 A toy like this will knock us off the shelves. 378 00:18:31,480 --> 00:18:33,119 Then what are we? 379 00:18:33,120 --> 00:18:34,829 Double-tapped in the sternum 380 00:18:34,830 --> 00:18:36,749 and triple-fucked in the face. 381 00:18:36,750 --> 00:18:39,060 We're gonna be back on the air soon. 382 00:18:39,070 --> 00:18:42,245 The show's never coming back on the air, Jeff, believe me. 383 00:18:42,246 --> 00:18:43,949 I've made the calls. 384 00:18:43,950 --> 00:18:47,292 It's cold out there now that people think you have opinions. 385 00:18:47,293 --> 00:18:48,869 Deirdre's gonna get it done. 386 00:18:48,870 --> 00:18:53,289 Deirdre glues felt to other felt. 387 00:18:53,290 --> 00:18:56,301 She's not leading anyone to Jerusalem. 388 00:18:56,302 --> 00:18:57,678 Then why put her in charge? 389 00:18:57,679 --> 00:18:59,199 She's not in charge. 390 00:18:59,200 --> 00:19:01,159 She thinks she's in charge. 391 00:19:01,160 --> 00:19:04,599 As long as I'm alive, 392 00:19:04,600 --> 00:19:05,936 I'm in charge. 393 00:19:13,500 --> 00:19:15,909 Jeff, this is my one job. 394 00:19:15,910 --> 00:19:17,789 This is all I have. 395 00:19:17,790 --> 00:19:21,619 And you can't make me exit stage left pursued by a bear. 396 00:19:24,910 --> 00:19:26,999 Do you remember... 397 00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:29,479 when I was a child... 398 00:19:29,480 --> 00:19:31,039 and I shot you in the face? 399 00:19:31,040 --> 00:19:32,899 Yes. 400 00:19:32,900 --> 00:19:35,749 Where are you going with that? 401 00:19:35,750 --> 00:19:37,199 You should retire. 402 00:19:42,306 --> 00:19:45,499 I'm listening to you. 403 00:19:45,500 --> 00:19:47,409 What are you making? 404 00:19:47,410 --> 00:19:49,479 It's a doll that listens to people. 405 00:19:49,480 --> 00:19:51,289 How does it listen? 406 00:19:51,290 --> 00:19:53,829 Through a microphone in your room. 407 00:19:53,830 --> 00:19:55,869 Mr. Chompers is a good listener. 408 00:19:55,870 --> 00:19:57,113 Who's Mr. Chompers? 409 00:19:57,114 --> 00:19:58,649 Oh! 410 00:19:58,650 --> 00:20:00,900 Uh... 411 00:20:01,700 --> 00:20:02,870 Why does he have teeth? 412 00:20:03,950 --> 00:20:05,999 Mr. Chompers pre-chews my meat. 413 00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:07,665 Will your doll pre-chew meat? 414 00:20:08,620 --> 00:20:09,819 There's too much being asked of me. 415 00:20:09,820 --> 00:20:11,669 I can't do these things they're asking me to do. 416 00:20:11,670 --> 00:20:13,170 Who's they? 417 00:20:13,171 --> 00:20:14,546 She has a glue problem. 418 00:20:14,547 --> 00:20:15,882 Could you head upstairs? 419 00:20:18,250 --> 00:20:20,279 And please stop dragging your ax on the floor. 420 00:20:20,280 --> 00:20:22,199 I like the sound it makes. 421 00:20:25,910 --> 00:20:27,249 I can't, Jeff. 422 00:20:27,250 --> 00:20:28,409 I can't. 423 00:20:28,410 --> 00:20:29,659 I can't. 424 00:20:29,660 --> 00:20:30,899 I don't trust myself, 425 00:20:30,900 --> 00:20:32,499 not as a single mom 426 00:20:32,500 --> 00:20:35,659 and not as someone running the show. 427 00:20:35,660 --> 00:20:37,829 I can't even run a household. 428 00:20:38,920 --> 00:20:42,909 How can I possibly run a corporation? 429 00:20:42,910 --> 00:20:45,285 I can't do anything. I don't know how. 430 00:20:45,286 --> 00:20:46,699 That's not true. 431 00:20:46,700 --> 00:20:48,121 You built an orphanage in Belize. 432 00:20:48,122 --> 00:20:50,791 There's no orphanage. I'm a liar. 433 00:20:50,792 --> 00:20:53,084 Then who have you been writing checks to every Christmas? 434 00:20:53,085 --> 00:20:54,199 Me! 435 00:20:54,200 --> 00:20:55,879 Me, myself, my tan. 436 00:20:55,880 --> 00:20:59,019 And now I have six weeks to build a school, 437 00:20:59,020 --> 00:21:01,329 or I have to write a $600,000 check 438 00:21:01,330 --> 00:21:05,179 to some stupid charity so the IRS won't pummel me! 439 00:21:05,180 --> 00:21:06,760 I have total faith. 440 00:21:06,766 --> 00:21:08,809 You're gonna put Puppet Time back on the air. 441 00:21:08,810 --> 00:21:10,769 Not Dad. You. 442 00:21:10,770 --> 00:21:12,146 I don't even like the show. 443 00:21:13,830 --> 00:21:14,999 It's stale, 444 00:21:15,000 --> 00:21:17,419 and your pants don't fit, 445 00:21:17,420 --> 00:21:19,159 and there's not nearly enough music, 446 00:21:19,160 --> 00:21:21,039 and your hair, your hair... 447 00:21:21,040 --> 00:21:22,447 I don't like your hair! 448 00:21:22,448 --> 00:21:25,199 I never have! 449 00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:27,119 Please don't put me in charge. 450 00:21:27,120 --> 00:21:29,120 You can't trust me. I can't even trust me. 451 00:21:29,121 --> 00:21:30,163 Glue problem. 452 00:21:30,164 --> 00:21:33,079 I do not have a glue problem! 453 00:21:33,080 --> 00:21:35,790 God... damn it! 454 00:21:37,630 --> 00:21:39,950 I'm sorry for not liking your hair. 455 00:21:49,250 --> 00:21:51,601 I trust you more than anyone. 456 00:21:57,290 --> 00:21:58,869 Are you sure? 457 00:22:10,790 --> 00:22:13,599 Oh, oh, oh... 458 00:22:13,600 --> 00:22:16,239 Oh! 459 00:22:16,240 --> 00:22:17,529 - Oh! - Oh! 460 00:22:19,463 --> 00:22:20,789 Ha! 461 00:22:54,540 --> 00:22:56,219 What do you think? 462 00:22:59,290 --> 00:23:00,999 Oh... 463 00:23:01,000 --> 00:23:03,450 I thought I'd miss him, but I don't. 464 00:23:05,580 --> 00:23:08,699 I'm going to get the show back on the air. 465 00:23:08,700 --> 00:23:10,306 I know you are. 466 00:23:38,000 --> 00:23:39,084 Can I help you? 467 00:23:39,085 --> 00:23:41,240 - Uh... - James! 468 00:23:43,910 --> 00:23:45,590 Hello? 469 00:23:57,520 --> 00:23:59,180 Your hat is purple. 470 00:23:59,190 --> 00:24:01,106 I love the color purple. 471 00:24:01,107 --> 00:24:02,774 - Are you... - Sorry. 472 00:24:02,775 --> 00:24:04,079 I have to go now. 473 00:24:04,080 --> 00:24:06,069 I'm wrapping a Christmas present. 474 00:24:06,070 --> 00:24:07,696 Christmas was two weeks ago. 475 00:24:07,697 --> 00:24:09,699 I know. 476 00:24:09,700 --> 00:24:11,149 Good-bye, purple hat. 477 00:24:24,870 --> 00:24:25,919 My sorrys! 478 00:24:25,920 --> 00:24:27,341 Uh... 479 00:24:31,580 --> 00:24:33,388 Do you remember me? 480 00:24:33,389 --> 00:24:37,329 Your brother, he got shot. 481 00:24:37,330 --> 00:24:39,979 - My sorrys. - No, he got hit by... 482 00:24:41,188 --> 00:24:43,858 Do you believe you could turn back time? 483 00:24:43,859 --> 00:24:47,449 I do not believe one can turn back time. 484 00:24:47,450 --> 00:24:49,499 That's absurd. 485 00:24:49,500 --> 00:24:52,033 The past cannot sit on top of the past. 486 00:24:52,034 --> 00:24:54,949 A memory cannot live inside a memory. 487 00:24:54,950 --> 00:24:57,789 But by the same logic, I do think 488 00:24:57,790 --> 00:24:59,959 it's probably easier to travel forwards in time, 489 00:24:59,960 --> 00:25:02,879 where everything is new and nothing is recycled. 490 00:25:02,880 --> 00:25:05,370 Like, my whole life, I've been thinking 491 00:25:05,379 --> 00:25:06,869 about having my license, 492 00:25:06,870 --> 00:25:10,829 and then one day, I'm just going to have my license. 493 00:25:10,830 --> 00:25:12,079 You know? 494 00:25:15,320 --> 00:25:17,929 _ 495 00:25:17,930 --> 00:25:20,159 Wanna come in? 496 00:25:20,160 --> 00:25:21,728 Wanna stay here? 497 00:25:30,150 --> 00:25:33,324 _ 498 00:26:05,950 --> 00:26:08,409 You talk. I'll listen. 499 00:26:08,410 --> 00:26:09,818 I'll really listen. 500 00:26:09,819 --> 00:26:11,528 Move it, shit face! 501 00:26:11,529 --> 00:26:13,154 Fuck you, midget dick! 502 00:26:24,320 --> 00:26:26,660 Hello? Mr. Pickles? 503 00:26:26,669 --> 00:26:28,039 Hi, Judy. 504 00:26:28,040 --> 00:26:29,504 It's me. 505 00:26:29,505 --> 00:26:31,798 Is it really you, Mr. Pickles? 506 00:26:31,799 --> 00:26:33,424 It's really me, Judy. 507 00:26:33,425 --> 00:26:34,551 Where are you? 508 00:26:34,552 --> 00:26:36,030 I'm right here. 509 00:26:36,040 --> 00:26:38,138 And I'll be here for you every day, 510 00:26:38,139 --> 00:26:40,039 in the morning when you wake up 511 00:26:40,040 --> 00:26:41,641 and at night when you go to sleep. 512 00:26:41,642 --> 00:26:43,899 No matter where you are in the world, 513 00:26:43,900 --> 00:26:45,869 no matter what roof you're under, 514 00:26:45,870 --> 00:26:47,099 I'll be with you. 515 00:26:47,100 --> 00:26:49,959 Thanks. I'm going to go to sleep now. 516 00:26:49,960 --> 00:26:51,979 But I'll see you when I wake up. 517 00:26:59,410 --> 00:27:03,520 ♪ Good night, good night, good night ♪ 518 00:27:04,910 --> 00:27:09,878 ♪ The moon smiles down so bright ♪ 519 00:27:11,000 --> 00:27:14,159 ♪ The evening star ♪ 520 00:27:14,160 --> 00:27:16,968 ♪ That shines from far ♪ 521 00:27:16,969 --> 00:27:21,289 - _ - ♪ Now blinks its twinkling light ♪ 522 00:27:23,250 --> 00:27:27,279 ♪ The time for sleep is near ♪ 523 00:27:27,280 --> 00:27:29,397 Happy retirement! 524 00:27:29,398 --> 00:27:33,119 ♪ The air is calm and clear ♪ 525 00:27:34,500 --> 00:27:37,779 ♪ The evening sky ♪ 526 00:27:37,780 --> 00:27:40,749 ♪ The moon and I ♪ 527 00:27:40,750 --> 00:27:45,119 ♪ Will always be right here ♪ 528 00:27:46,250 --> 00:27:49,159 ♪ As sure as sun ♪ 529 00:27:49,160 --> 00:27:52,249 ♪ Will rise ♪ 530 00:27:52,250 --> 00:27:55,239 ♪ And day will break ♪ 531 00:27:55,240 --> 00:27:59,159 ♪ The skies ♪ 532 00:27:59,160 --> 00:28:03,619 ♪ May all our scars burn up ♪ 533 00:28:03,620 --> 00:28:05,308 ♪ Like stars ♪ 534 00:28:05,309 --> 00:28:09,289 ♪ Now time to close ♪ 535 00:28:09,290 --> 00:28:13,199 ♪ Your eyes ♪ 536 00:28:13,200 --> 00:28:14,990 Good night. 537 00:28:17,660 --> 00:28:20,579 I missed you, Mr. Pickles. 538 00:28:20,580 --> 00:28:23,199 Good night, Mr. Pickles. 539 00:28:23,200 --> 00:28:26,159 I'm so glad you're back, Mr. Pickles. 540 00:28:26,160 --> 00:28:28,780 The Oops is my favorite. 541 00:28:30,450 --> 00:28:32,249 I'm assuming you can hear me. 542 00:28:32,250 --> 00:28:34,879 This is not the product I thought it was. 543 00:28:34,880 --> 00:28:37,719 Please, don't fucking talk to my child about me. 544 00:28:37,720 --> 00:28:38,749 That's fucked up. 545 00:28:38,750 --> 00:28:40,530 What the fuck is wrong with you? 546 00:28:46,100 --> 00:28:51,100 - Synced & corrected by MementMori - -- www.addic7ed.com --