[The Oops] Previously on Kidding...
I'm sorry, what did you say?
I said you've had a minor stroke.
Astronotter is getting on that rocket!
[Scott] You want Astronotter?
Give me one more day a week with my daughter.
[Cornell] An aide brings them to the bus stop
and they wait until they forget why they wanted
to leave in the first place.
[man over P.A.] Please remain calm.
Thank you for visiting "Pickles on Ice."
[Brian] It's all my fault.
I broke her throat, Dad.
- I--I broke Tara's throat. - [man] Of course not.
Stupid dick-nose piece of shit.
♪ light, quirky music ♪
♪♪♪
[electronic door chime]
[both grumbling unintelligibly]
I'm sorry, I can't hear you.
[both grumbling unintelligibly]
- What? - [gun cocks]
What the fuck? You fuckin--
[gun cocks]
What the fuck? Oh, my God!
[yelps]
♪♪♪
♪ lively percussive music ♪
♪♪♪
[dog barking]
[groans]
♪ tense music ♪
♪♪♪
[tires screeching]
[panting]
♪♪♪
[engine revving]
[tires screeching]
[groaning]
[panting]
[indistinct radio chatter]
[Jeff] I almost got a plate number.
[panting] Are you guys okay?
[laughs] We're great, Jeff.
We're great. We're great.
We're so motherfucking great right now.
We're the best! We're so good!
Fuck you!
- I ran as fast as I could. - [Jill] Oh, yeah?
Are you gonna catch the guy?
Are you gonna tell him to take a calm me down breath?
You gonna teach him to read?
I think it'd be safer for you guys
to stay at Dee Dee's with me.
[laughs] You're the one they wanna hurt.
You're the one who is talking to their children
in the middle of the night.
Nobody is safe around you.
Is that a ring?
Go away.
Congrats, pal.
Thanks, bud.
- I'm just gonna-- - [Jill] Jeff!
- I swear to Christ. - [Jeff] Yeah.
♪ mournful music ♪
♪♪♪
[Deirdre] Where's the sitter?
I sent her home. It was getting late.
You used the stove.
Is there another way to make risotto?
You should be in bed.
You know I can't sleep without Dolores.
You named your axe Dolores?
After Dolores Claiborne. It's my favorite axe movie.
It's a hatchet.
[sighs] Why can't you just let me live?
Here.
Go to sleep. Blade side out.
I know how to sleep with an axe, Mom.
Wow.
Grandpa teach you how to make this?
No, Dolores did. She's from Tuscany.
Thanks for dinner.
I don't know what I'd do without you.
If you really want Astronotter back,
I can give you some advice.
Sure.
Just ask yourself...
what would Grandpa do?
♪ slow music ♪
♪♪♪
Dad?
You keep sleeping.
I won't let anything happen to you.
[Jeff] How long have you been sitting there?
Go back to bed, Jeffrey.
When the gun goes off, then you can wake up.
I'm sorry I put you all in this situation.
The world is full of lunatics
who think the world is full of lunatics.
None of this would've happened if I hadn't fired you.
You can't really fire your father.
If he can't protect you from yourself,
he'll protect you from everyone else.
[gun clicking]
I'm still sorry I did it.
Don't you worry about me.
I'm having a social summer.
In fact, your mother and I are taking a long vacation.
What's that mean?
She and I went through a rough patch,
but we've recently reconnected.
Bags are packed. We're leaving tomorrow morning.
Where? I'm not sure yet.
The unknown, I guess.
I don't think Mom can travel right now.
[bell dings]
Hold that thought.
Made you an egg tart
for that squishy, squishy tum-tum of yours.
Oh, damn thing's on the fritz again.
That quiche should've set a half hour ago.
♪ light, ambient music ♪
Dad, why don't you come sit down?
Sit?
I'm gonna have to lay on the goddamn floor
and start that pilot light.
Dad, it's not a real oven.
You don't have to tell me that.
I wanted a Thermador,
but your mother, she just microwaves everything.
Did you glue these drawers shut?
They're not real drawers, Dad. They don't open.
We're on the set.
What?
What the hell is this?
Where are we?
Where'd the wall go?
I had photographs on that wall!
Where's the wall, Jeff?
Where's the fucking wall?
♪♪♪
There used to be a wall there.
And a door and a window!
[breathing heavily]
Come back, Dad.
- I'm fine. - Come back.
I'm gonna get you an ambulance.
No, don't do that. I'm fine. I'm okay.
I think it's just a toothache.
♪♪♪
- Hi. - [shrieks]
Did you make an Oops last night?
- [wailing] - She did.
That's why she takes Plan B,
the number one gynecologist recommended
morning after pill.
Oops as Directed.
I mean, is "cinema" too strong of a word?
Because to me, this is cinema.
[doorbell rings]
Ah, she's early.
[inhales] Come on.
[Scott] Dee Dee, welcome.
Oh, this is Amber, my female girlfriend.
We need to talk about Astronotter.
Oh, it-- it's not a good time.
You said to come over.
I know. I wanted you to see the house.
It's big, isn't it? For a house.
We need to talk about Astronotter.
We already had that discussion
and I said it wasn't going to happen.
Blake Griffin was there. The--the sports person.
- How is that relevant? - It's not.
Blake Griffin is a friend of mine.
Hm.
I have an offer for you.
You can't afford me.
Still...you'll wanna hear it.
♪ mournful music ♪
Which brings us to the revised terms
for the division of communal assets.
My client will forfeit Astronotter,
an intellectual property so valued at $21.4 million...
♪♪♪
...Snagglehorse, intellectual property value
of $18.2 million.
Ennui Le Triste, with an intellectual property
value of $26.1 million.
Uke-Larry, $29 million.
Thump-Thump, $9.4 million,
and The Oops, $12.4 million.
And per our terms, my client, Mr. Perera,
forfeits his rights to the aforementioned
intellectual properties and in return,
he will be granted sole custody
of one, Maddy Perera.
Yes, that's right.
♪♪♪
[machines beeping]
What do you want me to do?
[breathing raggedly]
Say something.
[breathing heavily]
Say something, please.
[crying] Say something.
Say something. Say something.
[sobbing] Say something.
[sobbing]
What happened to the Lamborghini?
You're the Lamborghini.
Can we also have a Lamborghini?
I'm gonna see you all the time.
On the weekends... most weekends.
Previously agreed to weekends.
As well as two weeks during
Celebrity Cruise Lines Pride at Sea.
[engine turns over, car starts]
Can you bring Dolores when you come to Daddy's house?
Well, that's up to your father.
Go ahead, Deirdre. Give her the axe.
Love you, Lunch Bug!
Was it the risotto?
[phone vibrating]
[sighs] Yeah?
What happened?
[sighs]
- I spoke to the neurologist. - Yeah?
He had a stroke.
He isn't...
He's not, uh...speaking.
They don't know if he's gonna be able to come back.
But...
but I need to talk to him.
I need...I did it.
I made--I made it happen.
I did it. I fixed it.
I gotta go get Will.
[indistinct PA announcement]
[toilet flushing]
[gargling]
You want the end of this?
I spoke to the guy who got Phil's lungs.
I'm never smoking anything again.
So are you gonna meet the lungs in person, like the eyes?
Or...are lungs better over the phone?
We're staying in a hotel for a week.
My mom says I can only go to the school and hotel,
so I definitely can't go see the guy who has Phil's lungs
and I definitely can't take my girlfriend out anywhere.
You should make out with her at the aquarium.
That's where I treat my seasonal depression.
It's the dolphins, man.
Their sadness eats my sadness.
[school bell rings]
For your kiss breath.
[door opens]
[indistinct chatter]
[door shuts]
[spits]
[footsteps echoing]
♪ ominous music ♪
♪♪♪
Who are you?
I'm Jeff Pickles.
There was an old Jeff Pickles,
but now it's time for a new one.
That's me.
The old Jeff lost his way when your mom killed your brother.
Then she divorced him, started seeing another man
and that broke him completely.
Your mom, she's a nurse.
She took the Nightingale Pledge.
Do you know the Nightingale Pledge?
It goes like this...
I will abstain from what is deleterious.
Do you know what deleterious means?
It means...harmful.
And unfortunately, your mother is very harmful.
She was driving the car.
She should've told Phil to put his seat belt on.
She harmed him.
I don't want her to harm you too.
My mom didn't kill my brother.
I'm sorry, but she did.
No.
He's still alive.
What?
I looked into his eyes. They were his eyes.
I stared into them and they stared back.
His lungs wrote me an email and I emailed them back.
I talked to his heart on the phone
after it ran 20 miles.
His heart is training to run a marathon.
Phil is training to run a marathon.
♪ light music ♪
♪♪♪
Put this in the trunk.
♪ ominous music ♪
I'm not gonna hurt you, pickle pal.
♪♪♪
♪ When it's time to make a choice, make a choice ♪
♪ You only need to listen to the voice that's true ♪
Come on, Will. We gotta go.
I'm your dad now.
[grunting]
[shouts]
[both grunting]
[Will] Dad?
[breathing heavily]
[panting]
Mr. Pickles.
[whispering] He just beat the shit out of that guy.
[indistinct radio chatter]
[Officer Brannagan] Will?
Can you tell me what he said to you?
It's okay.
He said that he's the new Jeff Pickles.
Well, we all know that there's only one Jeff Pickles
and he doesn't wear a mask.
What else did he say?
Um, that my mom...
that she ruined everything
because she killed my brother.
That if she'd told Phil to put on his seat belt,
that none of this would've happened.
You okay?
Just answer the officer's questions.
Did you say anything back to him?
I told him that in a lot of ways, Phil's still alive.
What did you mean by that?
You know, in our memories.
Do I have to go back to school?
No, we can go home.
A-actually, can I go with Dad?
♪ tense music ♪
♪♪♪
You are my family
and I'm here to protect you.
♪♪♪
[sighs]
I did it.
They're back.
I got 'em all back. [laughs softly]
Astronotter, she's going to space.
And we're gonna broadcast it.
And...
and... [sniffles]
...and I got it all back.
Because...
you taught me what to sacrifice.
[sniffles, sighs]
I'm...proud...
Of...you.
[inhales]
Are you afraid people are going to not like you anymore
after seeing what you did to that guy?
Even Jesus had enemies.
Jesus never beat the shit out of anyone.
He didn't have a son.
I'm sorry about your dad.
Promise you'll be there for me when I'm old?
I know you will, I just...
need to hear you say it today.
I promise.
Thanks.
We should go see Grandpa.
He stopped...talking, so...
maybe you could do one of your magic tricks.
Make him say something.
Hey, Dad, I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner,
but I really like your new haircut.
♪ soft music ♪
♪♪♪
[Deirdre] The stroke triggered something
called vascular dementia.
His doctors want us to decide on his long-term care.
They talk about him like he's a bag of broccoli.
[both chuckling]
But he can-- he can walk, he can eat.
What are our options?
What happened to your hand?
What are our options?
[mechanical voice] There is so much the Koreans
are trying to prove this year.
Just look at the grace and beauty
and flow to those jumps.
And it's not just the technical difficulty,
it is the artistry.
In other news, Mr. Pickles almost Mr. Killed A Guy today
in the parking lot of a Columbus high school.
Sources describe the perpetrator
as a large-headed version of the popular TV host.
He's really gone, isn't he?
Yeah.
Well, there's in-home care,
which means we'd basically have to hire
a nurse around the clock.
And even then, he's never gonna take the pills.
How is he?
[sighs]
Have you ever...
have you ever wanted to turn back time?
♪ light music ♪
I was just thinking that same thing.
[Deirdre] Thank you.
Great. Okay. Bye-bye now.
That was Toyco.
Are they mad?
No, it's odd.
They're making more dolls.
They sold out online.
I guess breaking that guy's face
actually made children want more of you.
[scoffs]
[phone vibrating]
♪♪♪
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Hold on, hold on.
Wasn't this guy the worst?
Yes, but he's about to send Neil Armstrong to the moon.
Hey, pal, two parts gin, one part lime juice.
What's the holdup?
I don't know how I feel about leaving him here.
He's so...alone.
He's not alone.
[slow music plays in background]
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Be mine ♪
♪ For the rest of my life ♪
♪ I can't hide the way I feel... ♪
Hello.
What's your name?
♪ Be mine ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh... ♪
[sighs]
[groans]
Where are you going?
Just give me the drink before you pour it down my throat.
[sighs]
I'd like to buy you another one and...
find out everything there is to like about you.
I'd like to buy you a taxi ride in the other direction.
Well, aren't you seven shovels short of a grave.
Well, aren't you arrogant and charmless.
Why don't we just get to the end of this
and you can pour gasoline on my lap.
I bet you'd look good on fire.
I bet you'd look the same.
Have we met before?
I don't think so.
I'm Louise.
Hello, Louise. I'm Seb.
Home, Seb, since you asked. I'm going home.
♪ soft music ♪
♪♪♪
How do they know each other?
That's our mom, Will.
Oh.
What time does the bus come?
Any minute now.
♪ dramatic music ♪
♪♪♪
[soft clicking]
Do you think it was my fault?
Was what your fault?
I was driving the car.
I'm the mom.
Be honest with me right now. Was the accident my fault?
Nobody thinks that.
Now, please don't let the words
of crazy, large-headed people
get inside your normal-sized head.
I'm asking you.
Am I responsible?
Am I the parent?
You are the parent.
You're not responsible.
Wanna go find some sunshine?
[breathes shakily] In a minute.
Okay.
- Thank you. - Yep.
I know that was hard today, with Grandpa.
I think he'll be okay.
♪ ominous music ♪
♪♪♪
You okay?
Are you...sad I don't look like Phil anymore?
No.
I always saw you.
I, uh...
I want to show you something
that I found in Mom's closet.
What is this?
♪ soft music ♪
♪♪♪