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Previously on Kidding...
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I want do a show about death.
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I don't think you're ready
to talk about that.
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What are you doing here?
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She did not leave you because Phil died.
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She left you because you're a pussy.
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Do you think I should get an apartment
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closer to the house?
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P-Hound.
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- What does the P stand for?
- Yeah.
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Jeff needs to heal. Mr. Pickles is fine.
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So what do you think?
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It's perfect.
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Es Uke-Larry...
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No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
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- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.addic7ed.com --
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Did you ever feel like
there's nothing to do?
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Well,
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that's how Ennui Le Triste
is feeling right now.
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Let's take a trip to Pickle Barrel Falls
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and see if we can help.
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See you at the bottom.
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Whoa.
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Bonjour, Ennui!
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Crusty, as usual.
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Bored, bored, bored!
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- Everything that I...
- They're gonna laugh at me.
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I've already done before.
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Well, if they laugh at you...
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they're gonna get a real kick out of me.
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I'm sure we can think of something.
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I mean, just think of all
the toys you have at home.
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How did you get out of the television?
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Actually, the hard part
isn't getting out.
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It's getting back in.
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You want to touch my head?
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Dare you.
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Eww, creepy!
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Can I touch yours?
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Let me see yours.
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Oh, dude, that's so cool!
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You got a fade going.
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That's really neat.
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That's my best friend in the whole world
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in the doorway.
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Does she look excited to see me?
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No.
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Hey.
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I don't want you to be nervous,
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but tomorrow, there's
gonna be a lot of Jell-O.
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I hope you can handle it.
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Mom,
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I think Mr. Pickles
has brain cancer too.
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Who's the man in your
life that isn't me?
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What happened to your hair?
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How long have you been seeing him?
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We've been together a couple months.
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- It's casual.
- I think Will should stay
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at my house one more night a week.
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I think one night a week is working.
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I want healthy decisions
for us, not casual ones.
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It's very soon to let
a man into our home,
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into Phil's home... Will's home. Sheesh.
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Actually, it's good that you're here,
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to have a conversation
about setting boundaries.
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You mean distance?
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I found out what the P
in P-Hound stands for.
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Now every time I see the letter P,
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I think of the word "pussy,"
and it haunts my head.
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I used to call Phil
"my little P-nugget,"
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and now I hear "pussy-nugget,"
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and I can't call him that
in my daydreams anymore.
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You can set boundaries too.
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Like our shared checking account.
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I'm gonna ask you if
I can buy a new car,
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- and you can say no.
- Why do you need a new car?
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I'd like to not drive
the same model minivan
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the insurance company coughed up,
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and I'm done pretending
that there isn't money
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to spend on myself.
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You should get whatever
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makes you and Will comfortable.
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Thanks. Thank you.
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Maybe I'll come over later,
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meet your new guy.
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I'll make one of those
sour cream-blueberry pies
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that I make that you like.
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- No!
- Anyway...
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Good luck with all your new decisions.
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Did you really shave
your head for that kid?
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No, silly.
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Is there a way to tell if,
you know, somebody's gay?
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- Course you can.
- How?
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You just ask them. I mean,
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I would say hello first.
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Yeah. Turn them upside down.
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If they curl up into
a ball, they're gay.
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Hi, everybody.
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Fuck.
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What... what's happening?
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I'm confused.
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W-where were you that
there were so many bees?
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Can you give us a second, Derrell?
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Oh, my God.
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What happened to your face?
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What happened to yourself?
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I thought we could make this a season
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about things that are
missing, like hair.
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Oh.
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We can impart the idea that
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change is a good thing. It's okay.
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Who we are is so much greater
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than what happens to us.
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And for the last show,
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we take the death episode off the shelf,
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and we air it,
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and we say, "This happened!
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And I'm still me."
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You look like you are about
to climb a Texas tower
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- and shoot people.
- Don't say that.
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You look like Lee Harvey Oswald's
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creative younger brother.
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You look like Shooty the Clown.
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I am the Pope in a Speedo.
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I am the Oreo cookie
without its creamy center,
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but if you dip me in milk,
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I'm still a mouthful of yummy.
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The affiliate stations
air us out of order.
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Don't you think it's gonna
be just a little confusing
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for the children when one
day, Jeff Pickles has hair,
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and the next day, he's paved a sidewalk
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down the center of his head?
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I don't care.
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They can air it out of order.
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PBS is gonna get the impression
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that you are mentally unfortified.
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Please, don't put me in this position
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with the network.
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They're gonna shelve us for six weeks
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while your hair grows back.
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Think of all the people
you'll put out of work.
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We call it a Tiger Stripe.
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Ah.
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Where does it come from?
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Russian women with very
few opportunities.
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How's that look, Mr. P.?
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Really wish you wouldn't call me that.
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Just Jeff. Jeff is fine.
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Don't go anywhere, Jeff.
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We're strong men.
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We keep the struggle inside.
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You had an off day.
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When Amika's done, no one will
be able to see you're slipping.
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That's a secret I'll keep between us.
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I bought the house next to Jill's.
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And why would you do that?
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They need me,
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even if they don't know they need me.
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Jill has a black hole inside her.
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It's swallowing her sunshine.
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She's trying to fill it
with red wine and penises,
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and Will's smoking reefer
like a jazz musician.
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He has no one to open up to.
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No healthy friends.
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If he doesn't have me to
share his inner life with,
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his imagination could die.
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Did you tell them you did this?
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I'm sure it'll be odd at first,
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but when I show up, knock on the door,
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with my blueberry-sour cream pie,
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and I say, "Hey, friends.
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I'm your new neighbor,"
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we'll find our footing.
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And you don't think they'll
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see all that as just...
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a little bit aggressive?
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I saw Jill hugging another man,
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or he was hugging her.
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You mean fucking.
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No. Regular hugging.
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Oh, I'm sorry.
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Is it serious?
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I don't know.
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I don't think so.
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How could it be?
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_
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Mr. Piccirillo, you
forgot the extra credit.
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I don't think freshmen are
allowed off-campus lunch.
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I told you, I got you.
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Get in.
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All right.
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Smoke up.
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My brother grew this
in his laundry room.
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Hey, give me your phone.
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If we're gonna hang out later,
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I should put my number in it.
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Dude, is that really your phone?
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You should see our answering machine.
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Has two little tapes in it.
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Uh... William?
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_
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What did the Secret Chef
hide in your dessert?
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I had rutabagas in my brownies.
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I thought they were
chocolate chips, but...
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I was pleasantly deceived.
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If Jill finds out you bought
the house next to her,
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she'll move, and she'll
never talk to you again,
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and she'll take Will and leave.
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I don't know how to
love from a distance.
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Jeffy.
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I forgot to do a crust.
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Ooh! Shh.
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00:15:27,090 --> 00:15:29,510
"From 'pusillanimous,'
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showing a lack of courage
or determination."
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00:15:56,630 --> 00:15:59,510
♪ What do you do, what do you do ♪
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00:15:59,590 --> 00:16:01,600
♪ What do you do ♪
217
00:16:02,880 --> 00:16:04,590
♪ What do you do, what do you do ♪
218
00:16:04,670 --> 00:16:07,970
♪ What do you do ♪
219
00:16:12,170 --> 00:16:14,620
Maddy, piano time!
220
00:16:15,090 --> 00:16:16,550
I'll take her.
221
00:16:19,120 --> 00:16:21,160
Want me to stop, Mr. Farpopolis?
222
00:16:21,200 --> 00:16:23,180
No. Keep going, Chuckie.
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00:16:23,220 --> 00:16:25,020
Yeah, sorry. I know I'm early.
224
00:16:25,040 --> 00:16:26,700
I-I was hoping you and
I could go somewhere
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00:16:26,720 --> 00:16:29,440
- and talk for a second.
- No vocals, Chuckie.
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00:16:29,480 --> 00:16:31,970
Sorry, Mr. Farpopolis.
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00:16:32,050 --> 00:16:35,279
He's always adding vocals.
I can take her, Deirdre.
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00:16:35,280 --> 00:16:37,260
- Oh, I...
- Come in.
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00:16:37,300 --> 00:16:39,020
Just... can we, uh...
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00:16:39,090 --> 00:16:40,590
Chuckie!
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00:16:40,670 --> 00:16:42,879
Okay, never mind. It's nothing.
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00:16:42,880 --> 00:16:45,680
Have fun... eh, learn.
233
00:16:45,780 --> 00:16:46,970
Aren't you coming, Mom?
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00:16:48,880 --> 00:16:49,939
Inside?
235
00:16:49,940 --> 00:16:51,540
Daddy always waits upstairs.
236
00:16:51,840 --> 00:16:53,460
Oh, he does? Oh.
237
00:16:53,560 --> 00:16:55,620
- For the whole lesson?
- Yeah, they both do.
238
00:16:55,640 --> 00:16:56,839
Daddy's always yelling,
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00:16:56,840 --> 00:16:59,120
"Play louder, so Daddy can hear you."
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00:17:00,130 --> 00:17:02,590
Oh, huh.
241
00:17:08,260 --> 00:17:11,950
♪ Don't go chasing waterfalls ♪
242
00:17:11,960 --> 00:17:13,340
No vocals, Maddy.
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00:17:15,650 --> 00:17:17,590
Did you hand-fuck my husband?
244
00:17:20,820 --> 00:17:22,970
So what's your second
favorite instrument?
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00:17:24,630 --> 00:17:26,779
♪ What do you do, what do you do ♪
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00:17:26,780 --> 00:17:29,719
♪ What do you do ♪
247
00:17:29,720 --> 00:17:31,330
Maestro Pimento Fermata
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00:17:31,340 --> 00:17:33,590
and the Pickle Nickel Choir.
249
00:17:33,940 --> 00:17:35,999
♪ When it's time to make a choice ♪
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00:17:36,000 --> 00:17:37,970
♪ Make the choice, make the choice ♪
251
00:17:38,050 --> 00:17:39,920
♪ When you haven't got a clue ♪
252
00:17:40,010 --> 00:17:41,970
- ♪ What do you do? ♪
- ♪ What do you do? ♪
253
00:17:42,050 --> 00:17:45,740
♪ You only need to listen
to the voice that's true ♪
254
00:17:45,820 --> 00:17:48,800
- ♪ The voice that's true? ♪
- ♪ That little voice ♪
255
00:17:48,820 --> 00:17:52,340
♪ That's deep inside of
you, hear the voice ♪
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00:17:52,420 --> 00:17:55,050
♪ Make the choice, make the choice ♪
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00:17:55,130 --> 00:17:59,140
♪ It'll say anything it wants
and it will never go away ♪
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00:17:59,150 --> 00:18:03,620
♪ And the harder you ignore it
then the more it has to say ♪
259
00:18:03,660 --> 00:18:06,050
♪ You'll hear it get
louder, louder, louder ♪
260
00:18:06,130 --> 00:18:09,630
♪ Louder, louder, louder,
louder every day ♪
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00:18:09,720 --> 00:18:11,770
♪ The voice is here to stay ♪
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00:18:11,780 --> 00:18:12,960
♪ Mamma Mia ♪
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00:18:50,580 --> 00:18:52,800
We're in the middle of a meal.
264
00:18:54,800 --> 00:18:56,420
It's opulent.
265
00:18:58,220 --> 00:18:59,800
It's red.
266
00:19:00,130 --> 00:19:02,970
Red is such a look-at-me color.
267
00:19:03,050 --> 00:19:04,820
It's the safest car on the market.
268
00:19:04,860 --> 00:19:08,090
Hm. You know,
269
00:19:08,170 --> 00:19:10,500
if Will stayed over at my
house one more night a week,
270
00:19:10,510 --> 00:19:12,720
I wouldn't have to be
dropping by all the time.
271
00:19:14,220 --> 00:19:16,010
I'll think about it.
272
00:19:19,260 --> 00:19:21,420
Tell me one thing about him.
273
00:19:26,090 --> 00:19:27,760
His name is Peter.
274
00:19:27,820 --> 00:19:29,260
Hm?
275
00:19:29,340 --> 00:19:31,380
He's an anesthesiologist.
276
00:19:31,420 --> 00:19:32,720
Mm.
277
00:19:32,800 --> 00:19:34,840
I guess that's...
278
00:19:34,920 --> 00:19:36,799
As long as he doesn't
start bringing his work
279
00:19:36,800 --> 00:19:38,920
home with him. A lot of them do that.
280
00:19:40,760 --> 00:19:42,340
Tell me another thing.
281
00:19:49,220 --> 00:19:50,320
It looks good.
282
00:19:51,460 --> 00:19:53,800
I don't think anyone will know but me.
283
00:19:57,670 --> 00:19:59,630
I had a pie.
284
00:20:01,260 --> 00:20:03,010
Come on.
285
00:20:07,670 --> 00:20:09,060
Who are you?
286
00:20:10,380 --> 00:20:12,630
- Jeff...
- Could you be more specific?
287
00:20:12,720 --> 00:20:14,420
A family lives in this house.
288
00:20:14,510 --> 00:20:17,220
That wasn't a... question.
289
00:20:17,300 --> 00:20:19,630
Maybe let's stick to the basics.
290
00:20:19,720 --> 00:20:21,900
- Mm.
- Is that pie on your shoe?
291
00:20:21,960 --> 00:20:23,619
Well, I don't want him to feel like
292
00:20:23,620 --> 00:20:25,339
he can't ask me things.
293
00:20:25,340 --> 00:20:27,980
Have you been married before, Peter?
294
00:20:28,420 --> 00:20:29,800
Jeff, let him eat.
295
00:20:29,880 --> 00:20:31,670
Peter, Peter, pumpkin eater.
296
00:20:31,760 --> 00:20:34,300
Had a wife, couldn't keep her.
297
00:20:34,320 --> 00:20:36,059
Right? Isn't that how it goes?
298
00:20:36,060 --> 00:20:37,260
Put her in a pumpkin shell,
299
00:20:37,340 --> 00:20:39,440
and there he kept her very well.
300
00:20:39,800 --> 00:20:42,720
The man in that poem is not
a candidate for glory.
301
00:20:43,630 --> 00:20:45,090
It's a rhyme about abuse.
302
00:20:45,170 --> 00:20:47,380
Mm. I didn't know the rest of it.
303
00:20:47,400 --> 00:20:49,670
Had another, didn't love her.
304
00:20:49,760 --> 00:20:50,880
That's the next line.
305
00:20:50,970 --> 00:20:52,920
No, I don't think that...
306
00:20:53,010 --> 00:20:54,720
How is that a bedtime story?
307
00:20:54,800 --> 00:20:56,320
King John
308
00:20:56,550 --> 00:20:58,720
had a friend he didn't like,
309
00:20:58,800 --> 00:21:00,970
and so he took that man's wife
310
00:21:01,000 --> 00:21:03,550
and he sealed her in a room with bricks
311
00:21:03,630 --> 00:21:05,260
until she starved to death.
312
00:21:05,460 --> 00:21:08,260
In some versions, mice eat the woman,
313
00:21:08,300 --> 00:21:11,560
but that's neither here nor there.
314
00:21:11,760 --> 00:21:14,170
My mother used to read that to me.
315
00:21:14,260 --> 00:21:15,720
Now I question her motives.
316
00:21:15,740 --> 00:21:17,510
Early childhood neglect
317
00:21:17,590 --> 00:21:20,280
can lead to dysfunctional
adult relationships.
318
00:21:20,420 --> 00:21:22,140
Are your parents still together,
319
00:21:22,300 --> 00:21:23,920
like Jill and I?
320
00:21:26,920 --> 00:21:29,400
Will, you're gonna... spend
an extra night a week
321
00:21:29,420 --> 00:21:31,160
- with your dad.
- Oh.
322
00:21:31,340 --> 00:21:33,880
That's a good thing.
323
00:21:39,510 --> 00:21:40,760
Hey.
324
00:21:40,840 --> 00:21:42,110
How long have you been sucking
325
00:21:42,120 --> 00:21:43,300
on those coffin nails?
326
00:21:43,380 --> 00:21:45,880
Yeah, actually, I've been
327
00:21:45,970 --> 00:21:49,010
meaning to quit.
328
00:21:55,220 --> 00:21:57,920
You ever had a vice
or a guilty pleasure?
329
00:22:00,180 --> 00:22:03,080
Not like smoking, or adultery,
330
00:22:03,420 --> 00:22:05,440
or skulduggery,
331
00:22:06,050 --> 00:22:09,020
but... I have been known to...
332
00:22:09,120 --> 00:22:11,100
take a sip or two of chocolate syrup,
333
00:22:11,130 --> 00:22:12,640
straight out of the bottle.
334
00:22:14,880 --> 00:22:16,420
Uh...
335
00:22:16,510 --> 00:22:19,140
Your vice is drinking
Hershey's chocolate syrup?
336
00:22:19,160 --> 00:22:20,920
No.
337
00:22:21,010 --> 00:22:23,000
Never have a coupon for Hershey's.
338
00:22:23,470 --> 00:22:25,340
Yeah, but I mean...
339
00:22:25,420 --> 00:22:27,340
You can afford name-brand syrup.
340
00:22:27,880 --> 00:22:29,620
I can afford a lot of things,
341
00:22:30,050 --> 00:22:32,090
but I only spend what I need,
342
00:22:32,170 --> 00:22:34,320
and the rest goes to
people who need it more.
343
00:22:34,480 --> 00:22:37,470
Yeah. Totally. No, every month,
344
00:22:37,550 --> 00:22:39,250
I give $15 to NPR.
345
00:22:39,260 --> 00:22:42,220
They sent me an apron
that says "NPR Apron."
346
00:22:42,590 --> 00:22:44,420
I like the name Peter.
347
00:22:44,510 --> 00:22:46,760
It's a good name.
348
00:22:46,780 --> 00:22:48,320
You know what?
349
00:22:49,670 --> 00:22:52,520
I'm gonna call you Big P.
350
00:22:52,540 --> 00:22:54,579
Would that be okay?
351
00:22:54,580 --> 00:22:56,100
Are you kidding me? Oh...
352
00:22:56,140 --> 00:22:57,819
Jeff Pickles just gave me a nickname.
353
00:22:57,820 --> 00:22:59,480
Oh, God. I feel like...
354
00:22:59,600 --> 00:23:02,180
Elvis just gave me a sequin.
What can I call you?
355
00:23:02,220 --> 00:23:04,000
Jeff Pickles.
356
00:23:06,920 --> 00:23:09,240
Oh, sorry. I thought you had left.
357
00:23:09,720 --> 00:23:11,920
Good night, Will.
358
00:23:17,050 --> 00:23:18,600
Good night, Big P.
359
00:23:20,050 --> 00:23:21,510
Can I ask you something?
360
00:23:21,590 --> 00:23:24,170
Oh, yeah, man. What's up?
361
00:23:24,260 --> 00:23:27,520
What kind of mouthwash do girls like?
362
00:23:47,880 --> 00:23:49,160
What?
363
00:23:56,380 --> 00:23:58,720
Are... are you...
364
00:24:03,640 --> 00:24:05,780
I love you.
365
00:24:14,170 --> 00:24:15,340
Oh, no!
366
00:24:15,420 --> 00:24:16,840
Astron-Otter?
367
00:24:16,920 --> 00:24:18,130
What's wrong?
368
00:24:19,970 --> 00:24:21,719
You're frustrated? About what?
369
00:24:23,720 --> 00:24:25,750
Oh, she's frustrated
370
00:24:25,760 --> 00:24:28,240
because her rocket ship
keeps falling over.
371
00:24:28,260 --> 00:24:30,880
I think her bam-boosters are misfiring.
372
00:24:32,340 --> 00:24:35,090
You know what I do when I'm frustrated?
373
00:24:35,170 --> 00:24:37,080
I take a calm-me-down breath.
374
00:24:46,970 --> 00:24:48,770
I think maybe she needs another calm...
375
00:24:48,780 --> 00:24:51,550
All right, stop.
376
00:24:51,630 --> 00:24:54,340
Why do you keep doing that?
377
00:24:54,420 --> 00:24:56,170
- Stop.
- Stop what?
378
00:24:56,260 --> 00:24:58,800
You keep calling Astron-Otter a she.
379
00:24:58,880 --> 00:25:01,340
Last time I checked, he was a he-otter.
380
00:25:01,420 --> 00:25:03,620
He was a he. Now she's a she.
381
00:25:03,700 --> 00:25:05,130
He's been a he for 20 years.
382
00:25:05,150 --> 00:25:07,650
You don't just wake up one
day and call him a she.
383
00:25:07,680 --> 00:25:08,939
It happens every day.
384
00:25:08,940 --> 00:25:11,590
It's happening to children
all over the world.
385
00:25:14,670 --> 00:25:16,110
It's called gender fluidity.
386
00:25:16,120 --> 00:25:17,590
What? No.
387
00:25:17,670 --> 00:25:19,000
He's a he.
388
00:25:19,100 --> 00:25:22,380
Astron-Otter's Lunar Lander Power Wheel.
389
00:25:22,470 --> 00:25:24,380
- Hmm.
- Astron-Otter's Moon
390
00:25:24,480 --> 00:25:26,370
Rock Space Fortress.
391
00:25:26,380 --> 00:25:30,420
Astron-Otter's My First Boxer Briefs
392
00:25:30,510 --> 00:25:32,170
with stain guard.
393
00:25:32,260 --> 00:25:35,000
He's a seven-figure line
item marketed to boys.
394
00:25:35,090 --> 00:25:36,820
She has no discernible genitalia.
395
00:25:36,840 --> 00:25:39,100
I should fucking hope not.
396
00:25:39,670 --> 00:25:42,200
What an important thing to impart,
397
00:25:42,630 --> 00:25:45,170
that Astron-Otter could change overnight
398
00:25:45,260 --> 00:25:47,120
and still be the same otter.
399
00:25:47,800 --> 00:25:49,499
It's not a terrible idea.
400
00:25:49,500 --> 00:25:50,799
Nobody asked you, Sheryl.
401
00:25:50,800 --> 00:25:52,140
Astron-Otter is a boy.
402
00:25:52,160 --> 00:25:53,519
Astron-Otter is a lie.
403
00:25:53,520 --> 00:25:55,880
Let's tread very carefully here, Jeff.
404
00:25:55,970 --> 00:25:58,270
That's an expensive
vagina you're adding.
405
00:25:58,280 --> 00:26:01,550
That is a $4 million otter twat.
406
00:26:01,630 --> 00:26:03,879
Please don't use a bad word
when you can use a good word.
407
00:26:03,880 --> 00:26:06,120
These are not the decisions you make.
408
00:26:06,130 --> 00:26:08,860
Astron-Otter is a male.
409
00:26:08,880 --> 00:26:10,000
No, Dad.
410
00:26:10,220 --> 00:26:12,340
She's not.
411
00:26:16,300 --> 00:26:18,330
Maybe it's time for you to wake up
412
00:26:18,340 --> 00:26:20,400
and smell the otter twat.
413
00:26:21,470 --> 00:26:22,760
Sorry, Sheryl.
414
00:26:22,970 --> 00:26:24,170
Sorry.
415
00:26:32,090 --> 00:26:34,250
Oh, Jesus!
416
00:26:35,760 --> 00:26:37,840
- Poppy, look what Mom got me.
- Not now, honey.
417
00:26:37,920 --> 00:26:39,096
What happened to your face?
418
00:26:39,120 --> 00:26:40,720
I got ouchies, kid.
419
00:26:40,800 --> 00:26:43,380
I got ouchies in places
you don't want ouchies.
420
00:26:43,420 --> 00:26:47,090
- Why do you look like that?
- He made Astron-Otter
421
00:26:47,170 --> 00:26:49,010
into a fucking hermaphrodite.
422
00:26:49,090 --> 00:26:51,980
What's next, "Bi Little Pony"?
423
00:26:52,630 --> 00:26:54,300
How long before he loses it
424
00:26:54,380 --> 00:26:57,300
and this whole place burns
down to the chimney?
425
00:27:04,670 --> 00:27:06,100
Derrell!
426
00:27:06,840 --> 00:27:08,760
Yeah.
427
00:27:08,840 --> 00:27:11,220
Get me Tara Lipinski.
428
00:27:14,080 --> 00:27:15,360
Hello?
429
00:27:15,480 --> 00:27:17,820
I think I left my cookie platter here
430
00:27:17,840 --> 00:27:20,720
from the open house, so
I'm just gonna grab it.
431
00:28:00,820 --> 00:28:02,920
Okay.
432
00:28:03,280 --> 00:28:04,720
I got it.
433
00:28:09,740 --> 00:28:11,160
_
434
00:28:12,260 --> 00:28:13,720
Will!
435
00:28:13,800 --> 00:28:16,120
We're finally getting new neighbors.
436
00:28:17,450 --> 00:28:22,450
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