Right. I have bleached the loo, I've gone over the Nest login with Mum,
I've emptied the bathroom bins, and I have done a pee.
Oh, and you'll need to hand-wash that cup. Yes, I will... Wow!
Schwing! Please don't schwing me, Marcus!
It's objectifying and it makes me feel old. Sorry.
I was just schwinging you entirely in the spirit of empowerment and respect.
I'm sorry. Pre-wedding nerves. Right.
Ms Walcott, are you ready for your last drinks partay as a single laday?
Yeah. I guess.
Right, have you got the car keys? Yep.
Here you go.
Shit balls!
Sorry.
# Dreamer
# You know you are a dreamer
# Well, can you put your hands in your head? #
Ambassador, with these, um...
They're grape, chutney and Brie crostini.
With these Brie, chutney and grape... I get it, Dawn.
..grape crostini... Yes, you don't have to finish.
..you are really spoiling us! Hats off! Big time!
Some more of this cava? It's champagne.
Make sure people know that, and don't drink all of it!
I want there to be some left when Marcus' parents...
Oh, speak of the devil!
Shray, Mishti! Welcome, welcome.
Mwah, mwah.
I'm sorry we're late.
I had to perform an emergency DRC, and it rather dragged on.
I don't know what that is but, boy, do I like the sound of it!
It's re-plumbing a tear duct. Hello, I'm Dawn. I'm Tess' sister.
It is an honour to meet you, Dr Tandell.
Please, call me Mr. Oh, don't be so modest! No, I'm a surgeon.
The correct title is Mr. It's a common mistake.
It's Mr. Well, I think I deserve a drink.
Get me a glass, would you, darling?
So, I'm waiting with bated breath, Mr Shray! How did the op go?
Well, let's just say,
when he came around, he wept tears of joy from both eyes.
Oh! Excuse me.
You've got lipstick on your teeth.
Hi!
Right. Let's get you set up. You hungry? Mm-hm.
Do you want to watch some telly on me phone? Mm. Oh, no, I can't.
I'm on maid of honour duty. I've got to be on it like a bonnet.
What's this, cheese on toast? Kind of, yeah. I'll save it for later.
It's about sort of four inches across, two inches wide...
Oh, no, thanks. Keto diet. Oh, these are for milady and for the bride.
I was just picking Mr Shippen's brains about the...
If you call me Mr Shippen again, I'm going to put you in detention!
Sorry! I was just picking Sir's brains about the wall scuff.
What you stressing about a scuff on the wall for? It's your wedding eve!
It's annoying! I've tried putty rubber, a damp cloth, Vanish.
Someone told me to spit on it with vinegar. Have you tried a baby wipe?
I don't use baby wipes cos of the fatbergs.
Do you know anyone who's actually seen a fatberg with their own eyes,
or did you just read about it in The Guardian?
Don't shoot the messenger. Nige!
Unbelievable!
How can he be a geography teacher and a fatberg denier?
I thought he was one of the good guys. Bet he voted Leave!
Leave what?
So sorry, but do these have dairy in them? Oh, bollocks!
Do you need a top-up? Oh, thanks. God, this is hellish!
You're a saint, you know, waiting on these awful people.
Oh!
I don't work here. I'm a guest. Oh, God, I'm so sorry! No, not at all.
I don't want to be here either. Who made you come?
I'm the mother of the groom. Oh. You? Oh...
I made love to Cathy's father for three glorious decades.
Mm.
And that is why you should never trust your GP.
Sorry, ladies.
Would I be able to steal the groom for a second, please?
Thank you. Bit of an odd one,
but that scuff on the wall is really bothering me,
and I was just wondering whether you could nip me to the DIY store,
and then I could just get it out of my mind before we go away?
God, Cathy! I... Hi! Hi, lovely to see you!
It would just really put my mind at rest. Um, look.
I'm on my third glass of fizz... Please, Marcus!
I don't get it. It's just a stupid scuff.
Let's just enjoy ourselves, hm? Yeah. You're completely right. OK?
Yeah, of course.
Hey! Save it for the wedding night! Shut up, Rupert!
Oh, come here!
Like that.
You know it's staff only back here? Maid of honour - access all areas.
Yeah? All areas? All areas.
Oh! Great job, guys.
Just to let you know that the mini cheeses on toast
were absolutely disgusting!
But, otherwise, you're nailing it.
You, Cat!
Do you see that girl over there, by the cellist, yeah?
That is Verity Longworth, and she's a pilot.
Verity was due to be maid of honour until you tipped up on the scene.
I mean, I am Cathy's sister. No! Half-sister. You are only a half.
That's still 50% more than the pilot.
If anything goes wrong - anything - I will blame you.
All right, cava breath!
It's champagne!
And if you know your history, said the geography teacher,
you'd realise that all of this is just cyclical
and there's irrefutable scientific evidence to support it,
and you can quote me on that.
Better not be sending dick pics.
I'm messing, mate. Oh, yeah! Ha-ha! No, no, no.
I'm just checking in on the BA app for our flights tomorrow
after the wedding. OK, cool.
Well, I can't piss about cos I'm on duty,
but I just wanted to give you your wedding present. Oh! Oh, how kind!
We actually had a John Lewis wedding list, so... Oh!
My sister loves you and, because of the ancient code of sisterhood,
I must, on this, your wedding eve, extendeth my love to ye.
Two Cathys for the price of one! I don't mind if I do!
Don't cheapen the moment.
No, but, seriously, treat her like a princess, or I will post to
all the local forums that you send dick pics to your receptionist.
Have a nice night, Marcus.
OK.
SHE GASPS
Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh!
TOILET FLUSHES
I locked it. Did you see anything? No, nothing, I swear, nothing. OK.
To be honest, I was just looking for somewhere to lay low.
I feel like a spare prick at an orgy out there.
That's one way of putting it!
Do you fancy joining me in the party bunker?
Maybe just the one, huh? Bottoms up!
Or, as Colin used to say, up your bottom!
Mm! Oh, I love it when it goes up your nose!
Hi! Oh, enjoying the nuts - great! Cheers! Hey, hey!
How much have you had to drink? Nothing, why?
Who said I've been drinking? Huh? No, can you drive me to a DIY store?
There's still a free bar, babe!
Nobody leaves until the free bar ends, then everyone leaves at once.
You know, I am possessed by that scuff! It's eating away at my brain!
And if I don't fix it tonight, then it'll ruin my honeymoon. Please!
We'll be there and back in 20 minutes. Fine. Come on!
A trolley for one tin of paint? You never know what you're going to get!
Oh! Those boxes are... Oh, shit! Keep walking. Well, well, well!
If it isn't Cat Wall Cock!
Never got called that at school?
Well, in a netball tournament once, someone called me Wall Clot.
Oi, dickhead! I'm livestreaming you. Who's this?
Your carer? Oh, sorry - your mad mum's carer.
SHE GIGGLES
Let's just go and get your stupid paint and go back to the party.
Oh, that is ridiculously good value for Dulux.
OVER TANNOY: The store will be closing in ten minutes.
Could all customers please make your way to the tills?
Except for the slag in Aisle Nine who should make HER way
to the jet washers, cos her fanny stinks.
SHE GIGGLES ON TANNOY
God's sake.
Got this 24/7 at school.
Why didn't someone say something?
Snitches get stitches.
And besides, Mum was housebound
and Dad wouldn't be seen in public with me.
Come on, let's just go.
You all right? Yeah.
I'm just going to take the trolley back.
Yo! Melanie, hi.
Uh, quick question - are you aware of the TV show Secret Millionaire?
Yeah. Why?
Great. Well, you see Catherine Walcott out there? Yeah?
Well, she has just inherited this entire empire
from a childless uncle, and she was about to give you a cheque
for �22,000.
But because of what you did back there, well...
SHE CHUCKLES ..you blew it.
So, joke's on you.
Cat Walcott is a mad fantasist who pretended her dad was
a roadie for Nickelback rather than admit he'd done a runner.
Now, can you leave the store, please? We're closing soon.
You want to get a takeaway tonight? Yeah, why not, eh?
Maybe Wall Cock will deliver it.
THEY LAUGH
Nobody calls my sister Wall Cock, you messy, messy bitch!
THEY GIGGLE Oh, my God!
Quick! Shit. Oh, my God.
Quick. Come on.
You're barred!
THEY LAUGH
Oh, my God, I can't believe I did that.
Oh, shit. Do you think they got it on CCTV?
God, yes, I hope so.
God, seriously, cheers, Cath.
You know, I've wanted to do that since I was 11.
MESSAGE ALERT Oh, is that my mum? Oh...
Hot waiter. Oh, is it a dick pic?
I really don't want to see a penis.
Yeah, I bet you're sick of them after what Marcus did.
How do you know about that? Why didn't you say something?
Why didn't you say something to me?
I mean, he's changed.
He really is a good man.
You know, what can you do?
THEY LAUGH
Do you think they've even noticed we're missing? Hmm.
I bet that Tess is still up Shray's arse, eh?
Am I being paranoid, but do you think she doesn't like me?
Ooh! THEY CHUCKLE HEARTILY
Yeah, I can see why she might be a bit off with you.
You're goddamn gorgeous, you're fun
and you're your own woman. GLASSES CLINK
Not because I've been shagging her husband for a year. Hmm!
SHE CACKLES
Oh. Mm. Aw. Does it get any easier, the loss?
No. Just think I'm getting used to the feeling.
Everything feels a little bit smaller and darker
without him, but...
..better to have loved and lost and...
One in the hand is worth two up your bush... What...?
Oh, I think you might need another drink, my love.
Are you serious? You got me all the way over here for that?
Why would you wrap a plastic sheet in more plastic?
It's probably going to end up in a dolphin's lung,
do you know what I mean?
I bet Mr Shippen doesn't even believe in plastic.
He's got enough of it injected in his face.
SHE SIGHS Balls!
I must've picked up the wrong colour.
I wanted Natural Calico,
and this is bloody Mineral Mist. Great, wicked. Well, just put
the lid back on and you can take it back after your honeymoon.
Cathy, we really need to get our skates on,
otherwise we're going to miss the speeches.
Do you know what? I'm going to have to paint the whole wall.
Ugh. I'd rather have a whole blue wall than think about
that scuff on my honeymoon.
Are you serious? Come on. The quicker we get this done,
the quicker we can go back to the party. OK.
What? I'm not messing up that dress. It's from Boohoo.
SHE TAPS GLASS OK, so, I really just wanted to
welcome you all here to our little soiree.
And, in particular, Mr Shray Tandell and his lovely wife Misty.
Did she just call me "Misty"? THEY GIGGLE
Now, if you don't mind, I am going to hijack the mic
just for a couple of secs.
Sex. I'd like some sex. CROWD LAUGHS
Erm, yeah.
So, as many of you know, this past six months has been
something of a demi-annus horribilis for us.
And, erm, it is true what they say,
that you really find out who your friends are when
ca va chier dans le ventilo.
SHE CHUCKLES LIGHTLY
Erm... You'll pardon my French pronunciation.
So, really I just wanted to thank you all for being
bloody great mates. CROWD MURMUR APPRECIATIVELY
And for all the lasagnes.
Most of which were home-made. THEY LAUGH
Mine was.
But I would like to thank two people in particular,
erm, Cathy and Marcus.
Ever since my ex left us,
those two have been a pair of absolute megastars.
ALL: Aw! So, I personally would like to thank
my beloved daughter Catherine
and her rock, and mine, Marcus.
So, come on up, guys. Come on and be thanked.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Where's...where's Cathy? Is she...? Cathy? Come on. Don't be shy.
Cathy? Cathy?
Anybody seen Cathy? I'm not sure.
Well, let's...let's have a toast.
A toast to the future Mr and Mrs Tandell.
Dr - he's a long way from being a Mr.
To the future Dr and Mrs Tandell, wherever she may be.
So, to love.
ALL: To love.
Cathy, what are you doing?
Well, this wall isn't going to match that wall now, is it?
Cathy, stop. Call it weird sister telepathical shit,
but is this about your wedding?
No. This is about an unfortunate scuff on the wall
and the subsequent rectification of said scuff.
Why are you talking like Judge Rinder?
Look, let's just call it a day, go to your party,
we'll have a spring roll. It's not my party, is it?
It's my mum's party. And she's only throwing it so that
she can pretend to all of her friends that everything's
bloody brilliant without Dad.
Well, yeah, it's still a bit shit to do a runner.
Oh, I get it. Of course.
You just want to go back and bone that waiter.
Why are you being a dick?
Just give me the brush. No. This is an intervention.
Just give me the brush. No!
Fine.
Give me the brush. No! It's my brush! It's my brush!
I want the brush, Cathy. No, get off it! Give me the brush!
Ow, ow! What is wrong with you?
Give it to me. Mad, mad! Cathy!
Get away! Urgh!
Come back! No.
Just give me my brush. No.
Catherine Walcott, come back here now.
No! No!
Let me in! This is for your own good, Cathy.
Grrr! Go away. You're mental. What is wrong with you?
Urgh!
Crazy woman!
Urgh! You need help!
RINGING TONE
CAT: It's me. You still at the party?
Marcus. Argh!
Dad, you gave me a shock.
I'm going to ask you a question. No, I'm OK.
We have an expression in surgery...
..As hire As,
and Bs hire Cs.
Basically, brilliant people surround themselves with
other brilliant people in order to succeed.
Whereas, those on the rung below, the Bs, they feel threatened
and so hire even worse people to make themselves look good.
Oh, yes, I listened to a Freakonomics podcast...
No, there isn't an equivalent down in general practice because,
basically, it's one guy in a cupboard diagnosing sniffles,
whereas, up in surgery,
where it's literally a matter of life and death,
you have to have complete trust in your team.
I'd like to think that I save the odd one. What I'm getting at is...
..truthfully, what letter is Cathy?
A - definitely.
There you go. I guess that's where love differs from surgery.
She must really love you.
Yeah, she does.
Ugh, God, I need a whisky.
This cheap champagne's revolting.
Where the fuck is your mother?
MARILYN AND MISHTI CACKLE
Catherine Walcott, you'd better have a very good excuse
for why you're not at that hotel.
She's downstairs.
CATHY SOBS
What's going on?
Cat took my brush.
I just need to finish the wall.
SHE CONTINUES TO SOB
# It's raining so hard
# Looks like it's going to rain all night
# And this is the time
# I'd love to be holding you tight... #
What are you doing?
What does it look like I'm doing?
I'm not going to let some wall ruin your honeymoon.
Gosh, that is very good value for Dulux.
Can I just ask, are you sure you didn't see anything earlier?
You know, when I was peeing?
Not a sausage.
Would it even matter if I did?
I know, but...
..it's just I have this...
..weird fear of being seen naked.
I've had it since I was a teenager. I...
SHE SIGHS I shower in a bathing suit.
But you've got a great bod! No, I don't.
But thank you.
I've got this thing about the outdoors.
I can barely leave the house.
Oh. God, what is wrong with us?
Cheers For Fears! Oh! I love that band.
Cheers. Cheers. Mm. Mm.
Come to think of it, I got off with the drummer once. No.
He had a massive... I've been looking for you for 20 minutes.
I'm off to bed. Come on.
I'm going to stay here, actually.
I beg your pardon? I'm going to stay here with my friend Marilyn.
She's on the same floor. Fine.
Don't wake me up.
..cock.
THEY LAUGH
Good job well done, that.
And I didn't mess up my dress.
Right, you go up and have a shower and I'll clean up down here.
Mum, can you stay in my room tonight?
Of course I will. Which means you can stay in my room
if you like, Cat. Oh, no, I'm good. I'm out of here.
Love you, you knobhead. Love you.
Thank you...
..for calling. And for staying.
And I'm...I'm sorry about earlier.
It's family, innit?
Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got an extremely horny hot waiter
waiting for me in the hotel room.
Just to the third tree and back, OK? Hmm. OK. OK.
Fear is not the boss of us.
Ready?
You're naked!
And I'm outdoors!
Mishti?
Mishti!
Shit. Shit!
Get out of bed.
Why didn't you set the alarm?
Oh, you have the first shower.
I can make do with a hooker's flannel.
ELECTRIC TOOTHBRUSH BUZZES Come on.
We haven't got time for this.
I don't think I love Marcus.
MUFFLED: Why didn't you say something before?
I guess the wedding was the only thing keeping you going
and I didn't want to let you down.
SHE SPITS
How long have you felt like this?
A few months.
Maybe a year.
Maybe longer, if I'm brutally honest.
I'm so sorry, Mum. Don't be sorry.
You can't marry him if you don't love him.
I was crazy about your dad when I married him. I mean...
..you know, it ended how it ended, but...
..I could never say I didn't love him.
Are you sure you're not cross?
Oh, come here.
OK.
We'd better cancel this fucking wedding.
CATHY SIGHS DEEPLY
MARILYN AND MISHTI LAUGH
Oh, my God. Of course Marcus would be late for his own bloody wedding.
MESSAGE ALERT
Oh, God.
Shit the bed!
FLIGHT ANNOUNCEMENTS ON TANNOY
Did you speak to her?
No, I texted Mum.
I thought it was best to let the dust settle.
Are you sure that you want to do this?
Yes, Meredith. I realised two big things last night.
You're the only one that loves me for being a B.
And also, my father's a massive C.
I don't get it. It doesn't matter.
Come here.
Come on.
Cathy. Cathy, I've left you, like, a million messages.
I've... Listen, I've got to tell you something.
He's not here. Who? Marcus.
Marcus has just text his mum saying that he's not coming to
the wedding. What? No.
You're confused. I'M the one not coming to the wedding.
Sorry, Cath, man, but I think you've been stood up at the altar.
No. No, no, no. Me.
I stood HIM up at the altar.
I'm the one not coming to the wedding.
I'm standing HIM up!
Grrr!
Argh!
# Don't you want somebody to love?
# Don't you need somebody to love?
# Wouldn't you love somebody to love?
# You better find somebody to love
# Love, love
# When the garden flowers... #