[Tina] You're happy.
[Karen] Yes.
[Tina] Really?
[Karen] Yes.
[sirens in background]
[xylophone music]
[song]
Do you know how much the flowers at the wedding cost?
How come everyone always knows how much the flowers cost?
How come you're so goddamn cute?
[both giggle]
[Tina] If we have time before they come...
[Wayne] We have time, we'll make time.
[Karen] How can you not remember her? She was at our wedding.
- [Don] You never talk to her. - She's my only close friend from art school.
I mentioned to her that we were coming into the city, I can't not see her.
And this is where she lives?
This can't be right.
They better have a TV.
I hate what I'm wearing.
Hang on a second.
[Karen] Is this it?
I don't know, there's no numbers.
How can there not be any numbers?
[she giggles]
- [splash] - [she screams]
- Son of a bitch! - No, no, no, no, no, just drive.
Just drive.
Damn it!
What's that?
- [both giggling] - Nice neighborhood.
[music continues]
[Wayne] Tina wants me to get going.
No. We're having people over.
No, no, no, it's fine.
We love you too.
Okay, bye, bye.
Get dressed, please.
Relax.
OK, it so doesn't relax me when you say that.
How do I look?
How are you trying to look?
Um, accomplished.
And excessively tasteful, sexy?
I mean, yeah.
Yeah!
Now it's time to play hide the [unintelligible] lie.
Depressants.
Oh my god, where's the squirrel?
Yes.
- Oh... - This was our favorite wedding present. Okay?
Whatever you say, just please get it away from me.
Please.
[buzzer]
We're on four.
You're doing great, babe, doing great.
That, that's draggi... Never mind, it's good.
You look great.
Why didn't you guys take the elevator?
Ah, I think it's out of order.
- It's a little temperamental. - Ah-ha.
I haven't seen you since your wedding.
- Well, you smell nice. - Oh, thanks.
You, look at you! You're, you're huge!
[panting] I can't breathe. The baby's pressing on my lungs.
- Ah, you look great. - Ah-hah, thanks.
- This is Wayne. - [Wayne] laughing.
So nice to meet you, Wayne.
Ah, pregnant women smell so wonderful.
Okay.
I'm sorry, but where's your bathroom?
Oh um, through the curtain.
Wow.
This is a wonderfully buttery chardonnay we found in Napa.
Awesome. Babe do you wanna put that in the fridge?
You found this OK?
Yeah, someone threw something at our car.
- What are you driving? - Cadillac.
- Hmm. - I'm parked right out front, you think the car is gonna be OK?
I don't know, we don't have a car.
We were looking at a building near here
I was thinking of buying.
- Yeah, Karen said the whole building, huh? - Yeah.
Six floors, 5,000 square feet per floor.
Holy shit!
Yeah, originally I thought maybe we'd do one unit per floor.
But this neighborhood is a little...
- Were you thinking about living here? - No, god no.
- [Wayne] It's really real. - It's a little too real.
[Tina] Uh.
Uh, thank you, Wayne.
So how long have you guys lived here?
- [Tina] Uh... - [Don] You got this place when?
Well, you should have seen it when I got it.
This guy was like running a motorcycle shop out of it,
but he was growing psilocybin mushrooms in cat shit upstairs.
For years. It smelt like cat shit whenever it rained.
- How intoxicating. - Huh.
- So it's two floors? - Yeah, yeah, my studio is upstairs.
Wow, that's great.
Oh my god, the squirrel.
[she laughs]
Oh my god, the squirrel.
Hey, you know that's actually our favorite wedding gift.
You bought that?
Don, did I tell you that thing about them eloping?
- No. - Tina wanted to elope.
No, no, no, no, no, Wayne wanted to elope.
Right. And so Tina left a cantaloupe on the counter
with a note that said "can't elope".
Get it?
- Can't elope. - You did tell me that.
But then we did. In Fiji, argh!
You should see the marriage certificate, the guy was drunk on cava.
That signature was priceless.
- [laughing] - Hilarious.
- Ooo, would you look at that belly! How crazy is that? - Eight months?
Have you read Ina May Gaskin's guide to childbirth?
- His favorite. - No.
Oh, you must. I mean the part about orgasmic birth.
- [Wayne] Incredible. - [Karen] Woah!
Did you know amniotic fluid is actually urine?
- Let's open that wine. - [laughs] Good idea.
Well, I made fresh orange juice for Karen.
- Folic acid. - Thank you.
He is sweet.
Isn't he?
- Don, look at all this artwork. - Yeah, it's all stuff our friends did.
- That's Lee Majors. - The artist?
[Tina] The portrait? Six million dollar man.
[laughs] It's nice you put your friends stuff up.
[Tina] Oh sorry, are you OK?
I'm OK. I'm alright.
- [Tina] I'm so sorry. - I'm OK, I'm OK.
[Don] Hey Wayne, are you following that Mets game today?
Oh, we don't have a TV.
OK, so who's not drinking?
I'm abstaining in solidarity.
- Karen? - I, I don't want Don to feel left out.
- Thank you. - Are you using a pelvic floor stretcher?
What? Wayne.
- Um. - It's amazing.
It's basically a latex balloon that you insert internally,
to train the vagina to stretch.
You know, so you don't get any perinatal tearing during delivery.
- Wow. - Wow, yeah.
- I really recommend it. - Thank you.
[Wayne] At the very least you should be doing perinatal massage.
- OK. - It's not too unlike anal training for ass-play.
- Okay. - Cheers then, ahh.
Cheers to a... Wait, wait, boy or a girl?
I wanted Don to be surprised.
Don wants a boy.
Why would you say that?
Wild guess.
Oh, we recently learned this wonderful thing.
When toasting, the eyes meet, and the glasses find each other.
- [giggles] - Cheers.
- [glasses clinking] - Cheers.
- Oh, that's tart. - Oh dank.
This is frickin' delicious!
- Glad you like it. - [glasses chink]
You know it's illegal to sell pregnant women alcohol
in New York City and cigarettes.
I think that's outrageously paternalistic.
I don't think the rights of pregnant women to smoke
is not the most pressing issue to devote oneself to.
It's the state creeping into our lives that's what's insidious.
I actually agree with that.
Thank you.
A woman gives up her rights as an adult when she gets pregnant?
Her right to drink.
- Her right to choose. - To drink?
[chuckles] And smoke.
- You really don't have a TV? - No.
Tina, are you still making those clothes out of money?
That's not what I was doing.
It was something like that though.
It was about the aesthetic
of it, the design of money and the materialism.
That's actually how Wayne and I met.
Oh, yes.
Wayne had this magazine, literary slash art...
Yeah, but it wasn't, it wasn't mine.
[Tina] Well, he was part of this magazine collective thingy
and he interviewed me.
And I took him home and he never left.
So that's what you do, Wayne?
- No, no, not anymore. - So what do you do?
I don't define myself by my work, Don.
[pats him on the shoulder]
Don, did I ever tell you about that museum gift shop thing that Tina did?
No.
I can't believe you remember that.
I still have that pin.
Seriously? Aw.
But what are you doing? How's your photography?
Oh, I haven't done that for years.
That was totally temporary.
You were such a great photographer.
I was a medical photographer.
Why didn't you ever do that show like I told you? That was such a great idea.
Tina wanted me to do an art show with my photography.
You photographed peoples' lesions.
It was such a great idea. Someone would write it up.
Don's becoming a little bit of a collector.
[Tina] Really?
- Who are you collecting? - Uh, I just got a Gerhard Richter.
- Really? - I helped him pick it out.
Hey, art appreciates even if I don't appreciate art.
Have you read his book The Daily Practice of Painting?
I don't know jack shit about the guy.
- [phone rings] - Don't get that.
[Karen] Oh, you guys can take a call.
No, u-hum.
- [phone rings again] - She knows we're here.
She also knows we have company.
[phone rings] - I, I wanna take it. - Don't.
One second, Kiki.
Kiki, who's Kiki?
Uh, are you guys gonna breastfeed?
Yeah.
I mean, I'm planning to.
It's weird, right? A kid hanging off your boob all day
like some kind of... tick.
- Pretty distracting. - Or bonding and beautiful.
Jeeze, Tina.
Ideally it's bonding,
but when you have shit to do I don't know, I wouldn't want someone
sucking on my nipples all day. I mean, in a perfect world.
Well, I'm looking forward to it.
It's kind of one of life's great experiences.
Yeah, no sorry, um...
I've just been thinking about this stuff a lot.
I, um...
I'm actually doing a piece
- on motherhood. - Really?
It's gonna be a long term project.
Like a major life's work.
I started collecting baby books
and I'm interviewing people who work in orphanages
- and zookeepers. - Zookeepers?
Daughters, mothers, men.
Abortion providers.
I've gotten really into bronzing,
you know like, uh, baby shoe bronzing
and collecting baby teeth...
It's called EGG, or EGG Provocation.
It's a commission from the new museum.
Wow!
That's great, Tina.
Good for you.
Do you find that people don't know what to talk to you about when you're pregnant?
It's like this...
awkward thing.
Like, like when someone's terminally ill,
and you're supposed to ask them all these medical questions.
I, I'm sorry. Is it bad that I said that?
No, it's just that it's more like being a celebrity.
I feel like I get all this special attention.
I feel very admired and loved... and lucky.
- Really? - Although...
It can be weird
when you're with people that don't have children.
- Why is that? - I don't know, you feel...
I don't know,
sorry for them, I guess.
I'm gonna get some cheese.
You shut up. [giggling under her breath]
- Hey, you wanted to come. - She's just insecure.
She's nuts, I can't take another hour of this.
Stop it. We're gonna have dinner.
- What does he do? - Quiet.
I mean look at this place.
I'm gonna go check on the car.
- And listen to the game? - Mm, maybe.
Oh uh, hey, everything OK in there?
Hey, yeah thanks.
- Cheese? - Pregnancy-safe cheeses.
It's so thoughtful.
Hey, did you tell them about the house?
No.
Well...
Don acquired quite a bit of land on this incredible island
in the Puget Sound.
- Wow. - And we thought with the baby
it would be wonderful to build this really special retreat.
Ah, we have an old family friend who's an architect.
- He's really into ecology. - As architects are.
He designed and built us this fantastic place.
You didn't even tell me.
He used all these local materials like old telephone poles and glass
and stone, but it's modern.
It's really like a work of art.
Dad did everything, I mean furniture, appliances.
He shipped us this amazing energy efficiency dishwasher
all the way from Italy.
Defeats the purpose.
[Karen] And I've been keeping these folders
of sink fixtures, counter tops and whatever
and John the architect really liked my ideas.
I have always said you had great ideas.
It really is like living in a dream.
Ah, you know what? We have news too.
We, we do?
- Tell'em. - Uh, you tell'em.
You are the first people we've told, you tell.
I don't want to make any mistakes.
- You tell'em. - You guys, what?
We're having a baby too, yay!
- Oh my god! - [laughs]
[Karen] Tina!
That's great, you guys!
- Ahh, nice work. - Wow!
How far along are you?
- Uhm... - 11 weeks.
11 weeks, yeah.
- Are you feeling sick at all? - No.
Never felt better.
- That's great. - Yeah.
Wow, I am...
- That's great. - Yeah, well, we are in the club too, cheers!
Here Tina, I hate when people lecture me.
But fetal alcohol syndrome is actually very serious.
Especially in the first trimester.
- Yeah, sorry. - I know you have your political stance.
I, I forgot. I'm not actually pregnant.
- We have a surrogate mother. - Hm.
Oh.
- Oh wow! - Yeah.
- Oh, a surrogate?
- Yeah. - We know a gay couple who did that.
- We do? - Yeah, the guy who did our window treatments.
Okay.
Did you have to go through all that awful IVF fertility stuff?
No.
- Well, that's good. - Yeah, no I can, I mean
we can. This was more of an option.
- Okay? - Er, um.
Sort of a utopian pregnancy.
A utopian pregnancy?
It's sort of err, dismantling
and restructuring of the traditional family unit.
A re-distribution of rules to a more shared economy kind of thing.
- Kind of. - You are the first people we've told,
we don't really have the rap down yet.
So you can have the baby yourself?
Right, yes I... we can, we choose not to.
You're paying someone to have the baby for you?
Yeah.
Perfect!
Wait, is this part of your project?
- Actually, yes. - So this was her idea, right?
- Yeah. - Look, it's a, it's a shared project.
Right. I'm just the one who conceived it.
The project, not the baby.
Yeah, of course the project obviously.
It's a collaborative endeavor.
Kiki's the one who's having the actual baby.
Yeah, I'm just saying it was my idea.
I hardly think that it's right to discount the labor that goes into it.
Just because you're controlling the means of production.
Mm, that sounds hot.
I'm obviously saying this from...
Why don't you, why don't you tell them?
Didn't wanna get fat?
- Thanks. - Not particularly, no.
Didn't want to be inconvenienced.
No, but its more that because the traditional family role structure
is obsolete
and pretty much sucks for women and men and children,
I decided to change it.
What sucks about it?
Well, I think Tina feels that there are issues with traditional roles.
I mean, I wouldn't wanna be a mother. Would you?
- But you wanna have a baby! - [Tina] Err...
Do you want to have a baby, Tina?
We hired a surrogate mother.
- And this person that you hired is going to be... - The mother.
She will have that title.
Yes, whatever that means, that's what she wanted. God love her.
- Did you bone the surrogate? - Oh my god.
Tina's egg fertilized with my sperm was transplanted into our friends womb.
Ah, naturally. Transplanted into... Yeah.
We were both there when they introduced the zygote.
Must have been a precious moment.
So it is your egg?
Yes, it's my egg and Wayne's sperm.
Look, some women are really into giving birth.
Others just do it for reasons of vanity.
- Vanity. - Or ego or guilt.
If you didn't have to do it yourself
why else would you do it?
It's not unlike having
assistants execute your art.
You have to learn. how to delegate.
I think tons of women would love to do what I'm doing
- they're just not ballsy enough to do it. - And you're ballsy enough?
If government and businesses are going to devalue women's work
and make motherhood economically unfeasible,
why not outsource it until they make it worth our whiles
to keep babies in their own mothers wombs.
Yes, yes. [clicking his fingers]
You see this is why people hate liberals.
Is this a joke or are you guys doing this?
We're really doing it.
If you don't wanna have the child, why don't you just adopt?
- Why don't you? - Why don't you?
Well, Wayne was really into having his own genetics, so...
So were you.
Oh, I didn't really want it to be yours and hers.
- That's not the point. - Oh, you don't want it to be hers.
But you want her to be the mother.
Um, Tina is
like a sperm donor.
I'm so not like a sperm donor.
I mean, you're, you're an egg donor.
No, I'm not.
Well, she's the mother what are you?
I don't know.
I haven't put a label on it.
That's the most interesting part about it, I get to
create the role.
Fun.
[sighs] I'm just not into being hormonally brainwashed
into this unhealthy attachment
that women have with their babies.
Unhealthy attachment?
It's not unhealthy.
A child needs this.
And it's not an attachment, it's a connection.
I already feel this incredible connection.
Great.
I'm looking forward to having a different kind of connection.
One that's less based on biology
and quite frankly economics.
- What is that supposed to mean? - I'm not against having kids.
I love kids.
They're awesome.
I prefer kids to most adults, I mean...
Raising a child, talk about an,
an amazing experiment.
So, you're really having more of an experiment than a baby?
It's more like making a work of art.
I'm not creating her, I'm allowing her into existence.
You're having a girl?
Yeah, I mean well 90% yeah.
It's early, but you could buy these DNA tests at like Walgreens.
You can tell at 11 weeks.
Wow, you guys.
[Don chuckles]
OK, it's not unlike cheese.
Cheese was created as a way to preserve milk
before there was refrigeration.
But we don't need cheese anymore.
But we fetishize it, it's become this
highly stylized thing we've developed a taste for.
Having a baby the old way
is a total fetish at this point.
I'm not doing anything different than a gay mom.
Or, or a trans mom.
- Or a Don. - Perfect.
I think I need some water.
- I'll get it. - I'll get it.
I'll get it.
[Tina] I'm just saying that maybe if your mother hadn't
endured the pain of childbirth for you
and sacrificed her identity for you,
- you wouldn't screen her calls. - Thank you.
Ahem, I'm curious
about this friend you impregnated.
- Heh, uh, Kiki? - Yeah, Kiki.
- That was her on the phone before? - Yeah.
She very much wanted to give birth, but her situation was such that she couldn't.
Her... situation
- was such? - Let's just say it works for her.
We're gonna be three people without preconceived notions
of designated roles.
Four.
- Four what? - Four people.
- With Kiki. - Yes four, obviously.
Is she going to take care of the baby?
We're going to work those things out as we go along.
Are you having a nanny?
Yeah, I mean, yeah.
[Karen chuckles] - So how is that different from me?
It's different.
Meanwhile the kids usually like the nanny better.
No, they don't!
I'm gonna be like the fun, sexy nanny then.
Is Kiki moving in with you?
- No. - Maybe temporarily.
You're figuring it out as you go.
She's not living here.
Don't eat too much.
Oh, these cheeses are from this lesbian couple upstate
that name each one of their goats.
Stop fetishizing the cheese.
Hmm-hmm, fuck off.
Oh my god, I was kidding!
People have the most fucked up reasons for having kids.
I know women who have them just to jump social class.
Or, or to hang on to their husbands.
Meanwhile, half the time the guy doesn't want to be a father in the first place.
- He's just going along with it. - Jesus Christ, Tina!
It's not all so sinister.
It's actually one of the most beautiful things in life.
And I, I think it's sad that you can't see it that way.
Well, I do too.
So Kiki is whose friend?
- She originally was my friend. - [Don gently hmms]
She was temping at the place where Wayne was freelancing.
- Classic. - Did you talk to anyone before you did this?
Did you talk to anyone before you did this?
No.
You didn't ask us if we'd talked to anyone when you thought we were having a regular old baby.
You thought it was awesome.
Actually I didn't.
Really?
I mean I was happy for you, but I was surprised.
You... You're a little selfish.
[Tina chuckles] I'm selfish?
A little, yeah.
You know I don't even think this sounds legal.
Legal?
Legal, that's not a moral code I'm particularly interested in.
- So you and Kiki don't have a contract? - No.
- All these privileges for married people
and families, tax breaks and health insurance
- and Green Cards, it's sick. - Why did you get married?
Wayne was broke, you gotta work the system.
- [phone rings] - Don't get that.
Hang on a sec.
You know for a minute there I forgot all about the game.
I like Scandinavian mothers.
They're so relaxed.
I could totally be like a Danish mom.
What's up?
- She told Clark. - Argh, that idiot.
- Wait, hang on hang on you're going out? - Wait.
I could go with you. We could take my car.
- [Wayne] Great. - Wayne. - Don.
I'll be right back, Tina.
- Okay. - Wait!
- Have fun. - [Tina] When are you... Wayne.
- [elevator clunks] - It does that sometimes.
[elevator stops, then starts]
[music]
You know why Don went? He wants to listen to the game in the car.
- I'm sorry if I got a little... - Yeah.
It's just, this whole thing with Kiki is...
What happened? Who's this guy she told?
Kiki's boyfriend
who's married.
- Her boyfriend's married? - With five kids.
Are you serious?
Well, four or five, five if you count the one in the institution.
Yeah, the one in the institution counts.
So, five then.
I feel dizzy, do you have any food?
Oh yeah, sorry.
So go straight and to the left.
[the game on the radio in the background]
We're not far.
Hey, we can drag this out as long as you like.
You want me to put that seat back for you?
- Better? - Yeah.
- You want some air? - Yeah.
Oh my god, Karen, I'm so sorry. You must be so hungry.
Wayne made this Ethiopian dish.
Oo, what is it?
- Wat. - What?
- Wat, that's wat. - Oh.
Thank you so much. I'm starving.
I'm sorry. I was supposed to be Wayne's [indistinct] tonight.
- I totally spaced. - It's really good.
Really? Mm.
- This is good chow. - Mm, this is seriously good.
Hey, I wanna show you something upstairs.
- You still smoking? - Yeah, but not in the house.
Where did you get these?
People kept on sending us pictures of their kids,
so I just blew 'em up.
Do your ex-boyfriends send you pictures of their kids all the time?
- No. - Mine do.
Do you think it's this weird sexual overture or aggression?
- Maybe they're just proud. - Doubt it.
Remember Marcello, the organic herb guy from the farmers market?
- Vaguely. - That's his son.
He's so cute!
Entre.
It does sort of smell like cat piss in here.
[Tina giggles]
[cat meows]
Wow.
I've been collecting jewelry, that women make out of baby teeth.
Necklaces with their kids' initials and names on it.
Like this weird ostentatious conquest.
So Kiki's married boyfriend
had no idea she was doing this?
They were taking a break after he fired her from his office.
Oh god.
Well, you have all these single women
in these extra marital affairs who want to be mothers.
Well, maybe they shouldn't be in extra marital affairs.
Yeah, dream on!
This just seems really weird.
You don't seem like you want to have a baby.
Wayne didn't want it till June.
When we met, he was totally against it.
We agreed, I mean...
It was a big part of why we were attracted to each other.
We believed in perfect bi-solation.
Two people, alone together in love.
We thought having kids was a kind of agenda.
And then I got pregnant.
Oh.
Which was an accident.
When?
Like a year ago.
- Oh, Tina. - Yeah.
We um, decided against it.
Against the pregnancy, because
we agreed and it was an accident
and we didn't want them,
and we agreed, so...
We ended it.
Was that hard?
Yeah.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Anyway, after that we were suddenly...
It was weird, I mean he was always
good with kids, he would like them.
But suddenly, he just had to be a father.
- Had to have a baby. - Wow.
And then when Wayne met Kiki, and...
She wanted to be a mother, but she was in this stupid relationship
where she couldn't have one, and...
I started thinking, I could do as much as a father, right?
Huh.
Hmm, it was something he really wanted.
And I wanted him to have a life, you know.
What he really wanted.
Others have it easy.
Frickin' late, looking great.
My child, picture on the desk.
- I can do that. - Come on.
[splashing sound]
[laughing]
I just wanted to do it in a way that I could handle.
Why didn't you just try to get pregnant again and see what happened?
Uh-huh!
Well, I guess it's nice you're trying to give him what he wants.
Right.
- How old is Kiki? - Our age, a little younger.
Sit down.
Argh.
[electronic sounds]
Awesome, right?
Ahh, ha, ha, okay!
- [Tina giggles] - Okay.
Help. Ow.
- Ah. - Boy or girl?
- Oh god. - Come on, tell me.
- Boy. - Ooo.
- Don't tell Don. - A little boy.
Yeah, so...
Is that what you wanted?
I mean I guess I always thought I'd be happy with either, but...
I always pictured myself with a little girl.
Maybe I'm just not into super heroes and video games
- and dump trucks and reptiles. - Oh, honey.
I don't, I hate science museums.
Oh, everybody hates science museums.
[sighs]
It'll be OK. I'll be OK.
It'll be great!
My friends say I'll forget I ever felt this way.
Daughters steal your beauty when you're pregnant,
have you ever heard that?
Yeah, Italians say that, I think
and traditionally everyone wanted boys,
so if you're going to be traditional, it's good, right?
Well...
Traditionally some countries like to drown baby girls, so...
- Fuck tradition. - Ha, ha, yes!
Please, fuck tradition.
Ah, I think a lot of people would love not to have kids
until they're brainwashed into thinking they won't be happy without them.
I see all these girls going up to college,
and I can't help but think why are we educating them,
why don't we send them straight from high school
- to Pilates if that's all they're gonna do? - Tina!
Stop attacking me!
Seriously!
I'm not attacking you. You're attacking me.
How am I attacking you?
Look at you, you're like this giant beach ball of bliss.
You're like this living monument of sexism,
you're so beautiful and glowing and...
I'm going to use the bathroom.
I'll, um, check on the guys.
I'm really glad you got a chance to see this.
[Karen] It's amazing.
Thanks.
I admire your...
You!
[answering machine] Hey this is Wayne. I'm not here right now, leave a message.
Hey, it's me I'm just checking in.
Bye.
No one thinks that it's weird to wanna have a baby,
but basically you're inviting a complete stranger
you know nothing about into your life forever.
But people think adopting a foster child
or a helper monkey is insane.
[Karen sniffs] Did you just say helper monkey?
- [Karen sniffs] - Come here.
You look a mess, Karen.
[Karen sniffs]
This just isn't the greatest time for me.
We're actually... [sniffs]
We're just not having the greatest time.
It's been really hard.
Wayne's so sweet, he's so into the pregnancy.
Yeah well, just 'cause someone's loving and giving
doesn't mean they're not doing it for selfish reasons.
Don's just at work all the time.
And he's just not like that, you know.
And I'm just... feeling insecure.
- You guys having sex? - No.
Are you getting on otherwise?
I mean, sure. [she sniffs]
Aside from the lack of sex
and him never being home and me yelling at him whenever he is.
- Great then. Yeah. - Yeah.
Hey, clearly he's working it in.
- Yeah. - I mean, that was a factor.
Not everyone has a trust fund, Tina.
- Not a trust fund. - Some of us have to live in reality.
- It's not a trust fund. - Well, whatever it is.
It, it's barely enough to scrape by
and I mean, look at where we live.
Still.
Still what? I work my ass off.
Give me some of that wine.
- Are you sure? - Yeah.
It's OK to drink a little bit in the last few months.
[Karen sniffs] Just don't tell Don.
Your secret's safe with me.
- Hmm. - I'm so getting another bottle.
Don didn't wanna have the baby.
I mean not... now anyway.
So, why are you having it?
Pillow.
I didn't want to wait, I'm 42.
We were going to do it anyway.
He thinks I tricked him.
- Did you? - Sort of.
He's gonna be so happy when the baby's born.
Yeah.
Everything looks better at four in the morning
when you're staring into a diaper.
I think he's starting to hate me.
Does it seem like he hates me?
I don't know.
I think he hates me.
He really hates me!
[both laugh]
You were going to have kids anyway, right?
So? Who cares what he thinks.
You're doing what you want.
- Yeah. - You should be with Wayne.
[both laugh]
Did you see the way he was looking at you?
No.
I think he's developed like this pregnancy fetish.
It's gross.
- What's Kiki like? - Grr.
She's stupid in some ways, but she has some sort of theory behind that men love her.
Great.
Where the fuck are those guys?
- Oh, I have an idea. - No, don't stop.
No, I'm not playing that game.
- You love this game. - No.
You're curious about Wayne, I can tell.
You're curious about Don. That's what it is.
Ew. No.
Okay.
- Ready? - I'm a little rusty.
Set?
Draw.
What are you doing over there?
You're kind of like the DaVinci of dicks.
You just love drawing penises.
I think you do this when I'm not even here.
You miss drawing like this, don't you?
Admit it.
Do you remember that first uncircumcised one we did?
Or, I did. [laughs]
Who could forget. It was er, eye opening!
- [Tina laughs] - To say the least!
Okay, are you ready?
Hold on.
- Come on. - Hold on!
- It's gotta be perfect. - And.
Pencils down.
Okay, okay.
[Tina giggles and gasps]
Karen!
This is so good.
Look at the shading, there is so much feeling.
You always were a better artist than me.
No.
- Better drawer. - He's got a great little personality!
I like its crown.
That's not what I was...
I don't know what I was going for. [laughs]
I made it small, so you would feel better.
Oh, that was big of you.
Wayne's cute, right?
He's perfect for you.
I think he's cute.
- He's so principled. - Hmm.
I don't know, I think maybe Don is boning someone else.
A lot of guys hit on me when their wives were pregnant.
Oh, that's just great.
I am just saying, so you don't take it personally.
I think they feel scared or trapped
- or horny or whatever. - You're defending him?
I am just saying.
Do you think he seems like he is?
- How could I tell? - I don't know.
I hate this.
Have you asked him?
Not directly, just some nasty hints and comments.
OK, suppose he is?
- Do you care? - Of course I care.
OK, so then confront him or ask him or whatever.
Right, and end up a single mom out in the suburbs.
Online dating like Chrissy Shipman.
Who's Crissy Shipman?
You remember Chrissy Shipman, she lived on our floor.
Ew, you still keep up with that looser?
- Just on Facebook. - Uh.
Just name the baby after some
beloved relative of his.
What's some relative he's totally into?
His grandfather, I guess.
- What's his grandfather's name? - Elliot.
It, it's cute. Elliot, Elliot, Elliot. [says it like E.T.]
E.T. phone home.
[Tina laughs]
I would never have thought that.
No, it's really sweet.
Name the baby Elliot,
you will lock him in for life with that one.
[elevator door opens]
Oh my god, that's them.
- Oh, do you have any mouthwash? - Yeah, come.
[jolly music]
Don't ask Don about him fooling around, I know you.
Don't tell Wayne I'm still smoking.
Don't tell Don I was drinking.
[giggling]
[Kiki] I said wait, wait, he has brain cancer?
And they were like, no, Kiki, he is a break dancer.
[laughing]
I can't believe, I mean...
That's fantastic. Here, let me help you.
- Oh my god, yeah. - I can see why you guys chose her.
- Oh, shut up. - Voilà.
I'll get you something to put on.
Hi, I'm Kiki.
I'm Wayne and Tina's baby surrogate mom.
- And you are? - I'm Karen.
- You're pregnant too, right? - Oh no, I'm not pregnant.
I'm kidding.
Oh god, good.
It's always so horrible when you ask someone if they're pregnant,
and then it just turns out that they're just you know, fat.
Oh well, I'm pregnant and fat.
Oh god, no, no, no, I didn't mean that you're...
Er, sorry. No, I mean obviously you're pregnant.
Doesn't she look wonderful?
Yeah, you have such rosy cheeks.
Here.
Oh, thank you.
- Ahem. - So who's winning?
Er, Mets. Mets won.
Were you drinking?
- No. - So uh...
How do you two know each other?
- We're married. - Oh, I was just kidding.
You better not have been drinking.
It is really, really bad.
Oh, I'm aware, thank you.
Don't get around your friend and start fucking around.
God.
It is like really weird.
I always thought it would be the hardest thing to give up alcohol.
But I don't even wanna drink.
It's like all I'm craving is, is fresh air.
Fresh fruits and fresh vegetables.
- You seem better. - I am, thank you.
So how many months are you?
16.
Wow! [laughs]
Were you like, so hot all the time in your first few months?
I don't think I was hot, actually.
Really?
Well, were your breasts like really sensitive?
Because my breasts are like so sensitive all the time.
- And I am so thirsty. - I, I'll get you some water.
Oh, no, no, hey, just, you sit.
Kiki has not had any morning sickness at all, which is great.
What did she tell Clark?
Oh, I don't know, we didn't get into it.
The game was on.
Plus we stopped at a tapas place.
Thank you.
I'm sorry, you stopped at a tapas place?
She was hungry, she wanted to unwind.
I'm really sorry to be breaking up your party like this.
Why are you apologizing to me?
Mm, uhm, I don't know.
- I'm sorry. - It's fine.
- Relax. - Oh, thanks.
So, what happened?
Mm... mm.
Clarks wife is pregnant.
What again? What is that like six?
Yeah, I mean he is never going to leave her.
Ever. So I told him that I was pregnant
and now he wants to leave me.
You know, I'm like really hot. I can't like deal with this, I'm sorry.
Wait, why did you tell him?
Uh, I had to because
when he heard that she was pregnant, he needed to see me
and then when he saw my belly he could just tell.
- What belly? - He saw your belly?
He said it was the stupidest thing that I've ever done.
[Don] Who's Clark?
[Kiki] Clark and I have been in a relationship
for five stupid years.
- And he's married? - Yes.
[Don] And he doesn't know anything about your arrangement with these two?
- No! - [Don] I love it.
- [Kiki] You know what? He said the worst possible things to me. - [Wayne] Like what?
Like you've got better things to do with your life.
And I was like what? Sit around with my looks disintegrating
waiting for you to divorce that preppy little witch you hate?
[sniffs] Jesus.
[Kiki] Oh, oh my god I'm so sorry.
Oh, it's okay.
Oh my god, I'm gonna be OK.
Oh god, I am so sorry.
It's fine. Don't worry about it, she cries all the time.
- Cause You stay out all the time. - You got her drunk.
Arrest me.
I am the one who should be crying.
She's got a man and a baby.
And I have no man and I have like a timeshare in a baby.
I'm sure you and Clark will work it out.
Why should she work it out?
- He's a jerk. - She loves him.
- He's married. - She likes married guys.
I'm almost passed my prime.
No you are a young, beautiful woman.
I am in phase four.
Oh, you're not in phase four, Kiki.
- Four what? - Er Kiki, Kiki
has these theories about the phases of a woman's life.
- Go ahead, tell them. - No listen, I don't wanna bore you.
No, not at all.
Okay.
There are five phases of a woman's life.
And the first is girlhood.
Like learning what's expected of you. You know, what's sexy.
And incidentally I realized this is where most young women
plant the seeds for their second marriages
by like sitting on their fathers' friends' laps
- and stuff like that. - Nice.
Yeah. And phase two
is when you grow boobs.
And men of all ages, they start to look at them.
And you know it and they know it.
But everyone around you pretends like it's like not happening.
And this is when women are actually in their fullest power.
- Yeah, I'm nervous as a cat around teenage girls. - See.
- Yeah they're very intimidating, Don. - See?
Are you OK?
[Karen] I'm fine.
Um, Kiki was just telling us about her theory of the phases of a woman's life.
Great.
Phase three
is when you're in your 20's
and your like very early 30's,
and you have to be smart
and supportive.
And you have to like be a really good partner for your man.
Oh, and you have to have a man in phase three.
And you have to stay sexy enough so it keeps him challenged
- and interested. - Ow! You're squeezing my hand too hard.
- Sorry. - And you also have to like follow him around
anywhere so he'll marry you.
Wow.
And that brings us to phase four.
Which is my phase.
- You are not in phase four. - Phase four.
You have to be a mother.
You see once women turn 30, they like start to look like shit.
And their faces get all like coarse.
And their teeth get all stained from all that partying they did
supporting their man in phase three.
And their cleavage starts to get like chicken skin
and disgusting.
And nobody wants to look directly at women in phase four.
I mean, particularly like in the later stages of it. I mean, I don't.
I don't. I have to make like a concerted effort to look at them.
We all do, it's depressing.
We only need phase four women as mother figures.
As like therapists and mentors
and we need them for their business connections
and their social connections, and we need them to give us like their cool vintage clothing
that they can't fit into anymore.
Clark already has someone in phase four.
He doesn't need me.
I was his little vixen.
And now that I'm pregnant, I'm not a vixen anymore.
Oh my god, I feel so fat!
[sobs] I'm like hot and disgusting.
[sighs]
I'm still a vixen inside.
I'm not.
- I am not a vixen. - Yeah, you are.
You are both vixens.
No I'm not, look at me.
Oh my god, I can't keep having this conversation with you.
Every day she wants me to tell her she looks beautiful,
and the truth is she's looked better.
And she will again.
- What if I don't? - [chuckles] You better.
Hey, you are luminous.
- Give it a rest. - All I want is to have a baby.
And I wanna get married.
Why is that so hard?
Oh, and I have to move out of the apartment.
Why? Does he pay for the apartment?
Oh, I think that's personal. Don't you?
- Oh yeah, certainly, I'm sorry. - No, like, don't even...
[Kiki's phone rings] Oh shit. I'm sorry.
[sighs]
Yeah.
Oh, oh god, I'm so sorry. Where should I be?
- Is that him? - Um,
well actually I'm with people who care about me, right now.
Yeah, uh-huh, that's right.
[Indistinct reply]
You know what? You can just like, go fuck yourself!
I'm gonna hang up right now! [sighs]
If you don't wanna talk to him,
why don't you turn off your phone?
Um, I don't know, I should.
- We should leave. - No, god no, okay.
I'm sorry. You know what? I don't wanna mess up your party.
- I'm gonna go. - [both men] No, don't go!
- OK? - OK.
- What did he want? - Um, I guess...
I guess he wants me to change my mind.
- What does that mean? - What do you think it means?
Oh, absolutely not!
Hey! Don't yell at me.
I'm not yelling, I'm just adamant.
- This is our kid we're talking about, Kiki. - I know.
Is that something you're considering?
- No. - Are you sure?
- Yeah. - I mean, you want to do this, right?
- This is something you want? - Yes.
I wanna have a baby.
OK, then.
Sort of.
I mean, oh my god.
How did I mess up my life so bad?
I think I just have too much integrity.
- Huh. - All of my friends said
I should have just gotten pregnant
when I was first seeing Clark.
All of my friends said it.
Within three months I should have just gotten like knocked up,
while he was so vulnerable, you know?
While he was dying for me.
- I've ruined my life. - This guy sounds like a total asshole.
He's not. You don't even know, his wife is horrible.
He doesn't even want kids, but every time he's about to leave her
she gets pregnant!
- Magically. - Oh, she does it on purpose!
She doesn't even love him. It's like she hates him.
All she ever does is yell at him.
He's just too good of a guy to leave her.
He's like this noble person
who has been trapped by this horrible woman
who keeps having his children and then turning them against him.
- He married her. - Because she was pregnant.
I mean, people never have sympathy for men.
And he has another ex-wife who has been sponging off of him for years.
- He does? - And she'll never get re-married because she wants to keep
getting alimony from him.
See divorce laws in this country are outrageous,
that's what needs reform.
- I feel a little bit sick. - Do you want some water?
- No. - okay then.
Why can't I ever just have what I want?
No one ever wants to be with me for forever.
Just on the weekdays.
What's wrong with me?
[Kiki laughs]
[the women all laugh]
Oh my god, I love this!
It's perfect, it looks like he got a little crown.
- What's this supposed to be? - Give me...
Is that you?
Woah, okay this one...
- Whoa! - [laughing]
- Oh my god, did you draw this? - She made me do it.
- It's something that we used to do. - C'mon let's, let's have a look.
- Come on, come on. - Oh my god, that looks great.
- What's this? Huh? - What?
What yeah, I'm sorry.
Maybe you should show Kiki your penis, so everyone knows.
- [laughing] - Yeah, maybe I should!
- OK kids, please. - I just don't understand why you would draw
this unflattering rendition of my penis?
- Why would you do that? - She actually said it didn't do you justice.
- Thank you. - You are quite an artist.
Am I too female, Tina?
Yeah, you know what? Maybe you should wear an undershirt
and like beat me or something.
Maybe I should
since you made me wear this stupid shirt in the first place.
Oh, super macho!
I'd like to amend my drawing, if I may.
- Wayne, it's just a game. - No!
What is wrong with you? Why are you acting like this?
How should I be acting?
Since it's up you, huh?
I act the way you want me to
and you draw me with a one inch cock!
It's not one inch!
We didn't even really determine the scale, Wayne.
Well, you figured it out.
You know, I think what Wayne is trying to say...
I don't really care what you think Wayne is trying to say.
Don't tell her what to care about what someone thinks.
- what? - What?
Kiki, have the baby, Wayne, change the baby!
But Tina goes off on her merry way
doing whatever she wants, because
the only thing that's important in the world right now
is what's Tina wants.
- I'm getting a stomach ache. - Don, should we go?
No, no, no, shh.
I didn't do this whole thing so you could turn around
and persecute Kiki.
How am I persecuting Kiki?
You're treating her like a second class citizen.
Oh, suddenly she has her crotch in your face
and I'm persecuting her?
She's not an idiot, she knows exactly what she's doing.
Put the fucking sweat pants on.
Uh-hu, do not talk to her like that!
Hmm. That's the mother of your child.
You can mind your own business.
Too much male energy in the room for you, Tina?
- Oh, is that how you describe the energy? - Yeah.
OK, I gotta pee.
- It's time to go. - OK.
You got something on your dress there.
You know what they used to call women like you?
What, Don?
Witches.
Yeah. Women like me have always scared men like you.
You don't scare me.
Yeah, I do.
It seems somethings growing between these two.
No, sorry.
Something between us has grown inside her.
Huh, that's very good. You like playing games.
You get off on power games?
I think this is a very interesting game you're playing right here.
Kiki, you've been kicked out of your apartment, right?
- Yeah. - Hmm, maybe I can help you.
- Don. - I just bought a building in the East Village
and there's a rent stabilized apartment.
We just evicted the tenant.
Was it an elderly person?
What about I put you on the lease?
- What would that mean? - That would mean you have a rent stabilized apartment
in the East Village for the rest of your life
for about $415 a month.
Oh my god!
- Wait. - Would that change anything?
- Ha, ha, oh my god. - [Karen] Don.
We're not giving Kiki an apartment.
No, I'm not talking about giving it to Kiki.
I'm talking about giving it to Wayne.
Wayne doesn't need an apartment.
If that would change anything in this... Situation.
No, thanks.
I'm offering it to Wayne.
- Why would you do that? - Well, I need a project too.
He doesn't want...
- Does it have a washer and a dryer? - There's a hook up.
I think we should talk about it.
[Wayne] I mean it's a generous offer.
Are you high?
I mean if you two don't have a legal agreement
- and Kiki is the mother... - It's my egg.
- You don't really have a legal agreement. - Wayne and I are married.
By a drunk guy in Thailand.
- It's Fiji - By a drunk guy in Fiji.
I mean just in case legal is a moral code you're interested in.
Kiki has my baby inside her.
Our, our baby.
And I'm feeling all these primal
feelings arise unexpectantly very powerful.
I didn't know I was going to feel so...
- Primal? - Yeah!
Yeah, primal.
- Great, so you finally muster this primal male feeling and... - And what?
I, I don't know what, Wayne?
- What? - I don't know, I don't know.
Well, spit it out, because you've got a sweet offer on the table, right, Don?
- Right. - You know, Tina.
It is a basic feminine instinct
that's lacking in you.
Really, what basic feminine instinct am I lacking this week?
- Nurturing. - [Tina scoffs]
- I hate that word! - I love it.
She's nurturing?
She's a fucking train wreck.
Excuse me?
- She's having my baby. - Our!
Our baby!
- Whatever. - I'm not nurturing?
All I do is nurture you.
I support your meandering career.
I pay for this place, I'm so fucking sick of nurturing, I could puke!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - I floated your fucking magazine.
You don't float it anymore. You ditched it!
Because we started a new project, Wayne!
You know, there's a photograph in a book.
A family of women. A woman riding a bike pregnant.
The wind blowing in her hair.
Wearing denim overalls.
The expression on her face.
Simple joy.
That's what I want.
- A pair of overalls? - No.
Simple joy.
It's not simple, Wayne.
It is for some people.
[Tina] OK.
I'm gonna make it really simple.
Are you banging her?
No.
- OK, then. - But I...
But what? What are you trying to say?
I, I don't know. Stop pushing me.
I just don't want to miss out on something vital.
Something vital? You and I, this isn't vital?
No, you are no longer vital to the equation.
- You're... you didn't want to be. - We're not vital?
That was the whole fuckin plan or...
Or was I just the bread... Oh my god.
[sighs] Did you guys plan this, was this some kind of plan?
- You know we didn't. - I don't know anything anymore.
- How are guys gonna make money? - Maybe you can provide child support.
You're having an abortion.
- No, I'm not. - Yes, you are.
- She's not having an abortion. - We'll see about that.
- Not unless Clark and I get back together. - You're not!
You're incredible. This is what you choose after all you're high moral ground?
You choose a rescue mission, the power of a powerless woman
no man can resist. Were you ever a stripper?
So what if she was?
- [Tina sighs] - You didn't love me!
You married me for tax purposes.
Don't be an idiot.
You didn't want my baby.
You killed my child!
- This again, no. - Yes, this again. I'm sorry!
You can't agree to it and then hold it against me
for the rest of our lives.
I can't help how I feel!
- After you did what you did. - We did it.
You did it! It was your choice, I went along with it.
It was your choice.
I wanna feel the kind of love people talk about.
- Me too. - I don't wanna think about myself all the time.
- Me too. - I want to be with a woman
who doesn't think having my baby is ruining her life.
Or one that just won't say it?
You want a liar, you want a manipulative coward?
That's, that's what you think about mothers.
You'd be surprised.
All night you've been attacking her.
- Her? - And Kiki and anyone who makes choices,
choices you don't happen to agree with.
Because they are miserable and they won't admit it!
She's joyous!
- She's serene! - You wanna look at Karen.
First time since Kiki walked in, but...
You know what, okay.
- Tina! - This is your idea of a happy couple?
A perfect situation?
I am happy.
Ugh! Huh-huh-huh!
OK.
I'm sick of everyone pretending to be happy.
Everyone on drugs, pretending everything's fine and buying big houses
to get away from each other, having kids 'cause they've run out of friends
having these fucking little accessories who are excuses
for every fucked up choice they make.
And they are just gonna grow up to be more people I fucking hate!
Those are your words, Wayne.
I don't feel like that anymore.
I'm allowed to change, Tina.
OK, OK.
You're happy?
Yes.
- Really? - Yes.
We're happy. You're the one who's unhappy.
So everyone's happy except me?
- Looks like it. - I'm happy!
I mean as long as I can get the apartment.
This sucks!
After everything I did for you.
I... I did this for you.
And I let her into our lives so you could have what you wanted.
'Cause that's how much I love you, bonehead.
I don't even understand what you want.
It's all theories and semantics with you.
You want equality.
You wanna change the world, you want social justice,
you want all this crap I don't even remember anymore.
When did social justice become crap to you?
You sound like you joined the pod-people. Wayne, come on.
- Maybe this is what you want. - No.
- You can visit. - [Tina laughs]
You can still do your project.
It might be good for your project. And, hey, hey.
You're gonna do so many amazing things in life.
And I'm not gonna stand in your way.
[Tina sobs]
Well, this has been interesting.
- Are we leaving? - Yeah.
We'll be in touch.
[Karen] Can I hug you?
[piano music]
Send a picture of Elliot when he's born.
Elliot?
It was super awesome meeting you guys.
I'm gonna take Kiki home.
[melancholic music]
I forgot... I forgot the bike.
[melancholic music]
I'm sorry.
[laughter and chattering]
[Tina] Hi, what are you doing here?
[Karen] Oh my god, I haven't seen you in so long...
[piano music]
[chattering]
[song]