1
00:00:09,451 --> 00:00:10,853
Let me tell you a story.

2
00:00:12,521 --> 00:00:14,624
In 1855,

3
00:00:15,290 --> 00:00:17,326
at La Flétan Agé,

4
00:00:17,359 --> 00:00:19,194
a small theatre in Paris,

5
00:00:19,662 --> 00:00:24,801
I attended an evening of staged
magic and conjuring.

6
00:00:26,201 --> 00:00:31,506
The magician performed all the requisite
illusions precisely as one would expect...

7
00:00:32,207 --> 00:00:33,743
And for an encore,

8
00:00:33,776 --> 00:00:38,480
he placed his lovely assistant
into a long box,

9
00:00:38,513 --> 00:00:40,148
mesmerized her,

10
00:00:40,783 --> 00:00:43,185
and
proceeded to saw her in half.

11
00:00:44,453 --> 00:00:47,624
He took his bow, the
curtain closed.

12
00:00:49,358 --> 00:00:51,828
The magician left the country
the next day

13
00:00:52,561 --> 00:00:56,599
and the young woman, whom I
later learned was his mistress,

14
00:00:56,633 --> 00:00:58,533
was never heard from again.

15
00:00:59,769 --> 00:01:04,807
I can say now that I, along with
some 200 others,

16
00:01:05,775 --> 00:01:10,479
may have bore witness to the
murder of that woman.

17
00:01:11,614 --> 00:01:13,448
The deed, of course, was
shrouded

18
00:01:13,482 --> 00:01:19,454
in a haze of misdirection and
spectacle filtered lighting, smoke,

19
00:01:19,488 --> 00:01:22,524
so it required no concerted
effort

20
00:01:22,557 --> 00:01:27,229
to persuade us all that
it was indeed an illusion.

21
00:01:28,263 --> 00:01:31,366
When one encounters a magician,

22
00:01:31,834 --> 00:01:35,437
one expects, invites trickery

23
00:01:36,304 --> 00:01:37,874
all the while knowing

24
00:01:38,540 --> 00:01:42,177
that the simplest way to saw a
woman in half

25
00:01:43,646 --> 00:01:47,249
is to simply saw a
woman in half.

26
00:01:51,020 --> 00:01:55,591
That story has something to do
with this situation, doesn't it?

27
00:01:55,625 --> 00:01:56,893
It does.

28
00:01:57,894 --> 00:02:00,897
It's pretty cryptic. I don't
get the connection.

29
00:02:01,664 --> 00:02:02,531
You will.

30
00:03:18,641 --> 00:03:20,076
<i>Well, it's a forest...</i>

31
00:03:20,109 --> 00:03:23,545
<i>...but it's an animated forest,
like in those puppet holiday shows:</i>

32
00:03:23,579 --> 00:03:26,314
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer <i>or</i>
Nestor, the Long-Eared Donkey...

33
00:03:26,348 --> 00:03:27,617
<i>I'm not familiar with</i> Nestor

34
00:03:27,650 --> 00:03:29,417
<i>So I'm walking along
with two elves.</i>

35
00:03:29,451 --> 00:03:31,821
<i>And we come to this clearing
in the woods.</i>

36
00:03:31,854 --> 00:03:34,657
<i>And there's this Christmas tree
lying in the snow. It fell over.</i>

37
00:03:34,690 --> 00:03:38,961
<i>So we start towards the tree and a bear
starts chasing us and grabs the two elves.</i>

38
00:03:38,995 --> 00:03:41,631
<i>And I see them get dragged
into the forest.</i>

39
00:03:41,664 --> 00:03:44,634
<i>I turn back around and there's
a phonograph record in the snow.</i>

40
00:03:44,667 --> 00:03:45,735
<i>So I pick it up.</i>

41
00:03:45,768 --> 00:03:46,869
<i>What was the record?</i>

42
00:03:46,903 --> 00:03:47,770
<i>No idea.</i>

43
00:03:47,804 --> 00:03:49,772
<i>Then a wolf comes out of the
woods</i>

44
00:03:49,806 --> 00:03:52,507
<i>and he grabs the phonograph
record and he's pulling on it.</i>

45
00:03:52,541 --> 00:03:56,344
<i>I realize that I can't make it
to the tree with this wolf here</i>

46
00:03:56,378 --> 00:03:58,648
<i>so I fling the record into the
woods and the wolf chases it.</i>

47
00:03:58,681 --> 00:03:59,649
<i>Now he's gone,</i>

48
00:03:59,682 --> 00:04:01,383
<i>and I turn back
around towards the tree</i>

49
00:04:01,416 --> 00:04:07,355
<i>and there's another elf there trying to lift
it up, a really tall elf, way taller than me.</i>

50
00:04:07,389 --> 00:04:10,593
- <i>He's trying to lift it up...</i>
- <i>Wait, taller than you? How do you know he was an elf?</i>

51
00:04:10,626 --> 00:04:13,095
<i>Well, he was dressed
funny, like an elf.</i>

52
00:04:13,129 --> 00:04:14,664
<i>You know, colorful?</i>

53
00:04:14,697 --> 00:04:16,632
<i>Anyway, the tree's too heavy for
him,</i>

54
00:04:16,666 --> 00:04:20,036
<i>so I go over and help him and we
finally manage to set it up straight.</i>

55
00:04:20,069 --> 00:04:24,439
<i>And then we stare at each
other really intense-like.</i>

56
00:04:25,608 --> 00:04:26,876
<i>What happened after that?</i>

57
00:04:27,743 --> 00:04:28,678
I woke up.

58
00:04:29,979 --> 00:04:30,880
So what do you think?

59
00:04:31,747 --> 00:04:33,916
Hard to say.
It's not normal, though.

60
00:04:34,617 --> 00:04:36,351
You're probably a lunatic.

61
00:04:36,953 --> 00:04:39,088
- A dozen mixed, please?
- You got it.

62
00:04:40,089 --> 00:04:43,860
It's too weird and specific not
to mean something, Meg.

63
00:04:43,893 --> 00:04:45,427
I mean, what's with the tree?

64
00:04:45,460 --> 00:04:47,562
Well, I know what a
psychiatrist would say:

65
00:04:47,597 --> 00:04:50,900
Having trouble making a tree standing
up, probably a penis thing.

66
00:04:50,933 --> 00:04:53,135
Don't be gross.
I don't have a penis thing.

67
00:04:54,770 --> 00:04:56,138
No plain glazed, please.

68
00:04:57,539 --> 00:05:00,576
- No problem.
- "No plain glazed?" Seriously?

69
00:05:00,610 --> 00:05:01,844
I don't care for it.

70
00:05:01,878 --> 00:05:04,747
It's the saddest donut
in the case.

71
00:05:04,780 --> 00:05:06,782
The mixed dozen is built
around the plain glazed.

72
00:05:06,816 --> 00:05:08,951
It grounds it. But, hey!
It's your funeral.

73
00:05:09,652 --> 00:05:11,754
Hey, did anybody find a wallet?

74
00:05:11,787 --> 00:05:14,090
I left it on that table
a half an hour ago...

75
00:05:14,123 --> 00:05:16,125
No. I don't think anyone
turned anything in.

76
00:05:19,795 --> 00:05:20,930
I'll go check in the back...

77
00:05:39,582 --> 00:05:41,050
- This it?
- That's it!

78
00:05:41,083 --> 00:05:42,919
Somebody must have turned it in.

79
00:05:46,856 --> 00:05:49,926
Thanks. I appreciate it.

80
00:05:52,028 --> 00:05:53,930
Ruth, aren't you supposed
to be there at two?

81
00:05:54,664 --> 00:05:55,765
Shit.

82
00:05:55,798 --> 00:05:57,934
Good luck with the penis thing!

83
00:06:05,174 --> 00:06:06,609
Damn doctors.

84
00:06:07,743 --> 00:06:08,678
Idiots.

85
00:06:11,013 --> 00:06:13,683
If I'm not dying according to
their schedule

86
00:06:14,150 --> 00:06:17,753
then maybe it's their damn schedule
that's out of whack, not me!

87
00:06:17,787 --> 00:06:19,155
Making them look bad.

88
00:06:20,656 --> 00:06:22,490
They ran some new tests.

89
00:06:22,524 --> 00:06:23,558
Yeah?

90
00:06:23,592 --> 00:06:24,727
Came back good.

91
00:06:26,195 --> 00:06:29,832
Dr. Zeblisky, he
danced around it.

92
00:06:30,565 --> 00:06:35,905
But I got the impression they were thinking
of maybe kicking me out of this dump.

93
00:06:35,938 --> 00:06:37,974
What? Zeblisky actually
said that?

94
00:06:38,007 --> 00:06:39,842
That's great news, Dad...

95
00:06:39,875 --> 00:06:41,543
Well, he danced around it...

96
00:06:41,577 --> 00:06:43,179
But still, for him to
say that, that's...

97
00:06:43,212 --> 00:06:46,248
Look, I don't want to talk about
it. I don't want to jinx it.

98
00:06:49,986 --> 00:06:53,022
So... how's work?

99
00:06:53,055 --> 00:06:54,957
Oh, work's good.

100
00:06:54,991 --> 00:06:56,092
Still a grind.

101
00:06:56,125 --> 00:06:58,526
I should hear about that
promotion in a couple of weeks.

102
00:06:58,560 --> 00:07:01,163
That executive account position?

103
00:07:01,197 --> 00:07:03,733
Yup. Corner office,
fifteenth floor.

104
00:07:03,766 --> 00:07:05,067
Imagine that...

105
00:07:06,135 --> 00:07:09,238
I never saw you making
more than minimum wage.

106
00:07:12,908 --> 00:07:15,311
How about that little
Kyle there, huh?

107
00:07:15,344 --> 00:07:20,249
It's only been a month and
already he's bigger and stronger.

108
00:07:20,282 --> 00:07:21,817
Hair's growing, too.

109
00:07:21,851 --> 00:07:23,819
He's good Kiesling stock.

110
00:07:23,853 --> 00:07:26,055
Yup, he's quite a handful.

111
00:07:26,088 --> 00:07:29,125
And I hate to keep bringing it
up,

112
00:07:29,925 --> 00:07:32,695
but when you and Grant get
married, he's agreed to...

113
00:07:32,728 --> 00:07:35,765
Yes, Dad. Kyle will keep the Kiesling name.
We've already been through this.

114
00:07:35,798 --> 00:07:40,102
I know it's not important to you,
but it's a hell of a thing he's doing.

115
00:07:40,136 --> 00:07:46,142
And I'll be sure to tell him that when
I finally get a chance to meet him.

116
00:07:47,843 --> 00:07:51,113
How you managed to land a guy
like that

117
00:07:51,947 --> 00:07:54,683
is I'll never be able
to figure that out.

118
00:08:00,856 --> 00:08:03,092
- Did it go okay? How's your dad?
- Alright.

119
00:08:03,125 --> 00:08:04,627
He's actually doing better.

120
00:08:04,660 --> 00:08:06,328
Doing better? Really?

121
00:08:08,030 --> 00:08:10,032
Let's get you home
to Mama, Jeffrey.

122
00:08:10,866 --> 00:08:12,635
- How did the little guy do?
- Just fine.

123
00:08:12,668 --> 00:08:14,103
You got a good kid, Brock.

124
00:08:28,050 --> 00:08:29,718
- Okay.
- Wait.

125
00:08:31,420 --> 00:08:32,354
Okay.

126
00:08:43,032 --> 00:08:44,233
- Time.
- Okay.

127
00:08:47,336 --> 00:08:48,838
See you next Thursday.

128
00:08:48,871 --> 00:08:51,774
- Oh, yeah about that...
- What?

129
00:08:51,807 --> 00:08:55,811
Lori's taking Jeffrey to her parents'
house in Iowa for a couple of weeks,

130
00:08:55,845 --> 00:08:58,280
so it kind of throws a monkey
wrench in my visitation schedule.

131
00:08:58,314 --> 00:08:59,882
You're telling me this now?

132
00:09:00,683 --> 00:09:02,852
You can get Lois' kid
again, can't you?

133
00:09:02,885 --> 00:09:05,654
I think my dad's starting to be
able to tell the difference.

134
00:09:05,688 --> 00:09:06,822
Shit, Brock.

135
00:09:08,390 --> 00:09:11,393
I'm not crazy about it either, Ruth,
but this custody thing's all about her.

136
00:09:11,427 --> 00:09:15,431
And you gotta admit this hospice thing has
been going on way longer than you told me.

137
00:09:15,464 --> 00:09:17,233
I know, I know.

138
00:09:18,767 --> 00:09:19,635
Shit.

139
00:09:20,803 --> 00:09:25,207
Hey, you want to get a
coffee or a cheese crisp?

140
00:09:26,008 --> 00:09:27,009
I know a guy.

141
00:09:28,310 --> 00:09:29,178
Nah.

142
00:09:29,879 --> 00:09:32,014
I got an interview downtown.

143
00:09:32,047 --> 00:09:33,349
Job interview?

144
00:09:33,382 --> 00:09:34,783
Something like that.

145
00:09:35,451 --> 00:09:37,119
Everything go okay this week?

146
00:09:37,853 --> 00:09:39,155
Any episodes?

147
00:09:39,188 --> 00:09:40,756
Confrontations?

148
00:09:40,789 --> 00:09:42,158
No. No. Pretty good week.

149
00:09:44,093 --> 00:09:47,997
Small confrontation with a guy
driving too slow in the left lane.

150
00:09:48,030 --> 00:09:50,933
Threw half a breakfast burrito at
him when we stopped at a light.

151
00:09:50,966 --> 00:09:53,869
- Jeez, Ruth...
- Oh, come on, Crosby. The guy was about fifty.

152
00:09:53,903 --> 00:09:58,140
How do you drive for thirty years and
not know the left lane is the fast lane?

153
00:09:58,174 --> 00:10:00,943
That kind of jug head ignorance
deserves a breakfast burrito.

154
00:10:00,976 --> 00:10:01,911
I'll let it go.

155
00:10:03,179 --> 00:10:05,114
How about your work?
You missing any time from your work?

156
00:10:05,147 --> 00:10:07,383
No, no, work's fine.
Donuts aren't real challenging...

157
00:10:07,416 --> 00:10:09,251
But it pays the bills.

158
00:10:09,285 --> 00:10:10,786
I wouldn't go that far.

159
00:10:11,854 --> 00:10:13,989
- Did your boss fill out that paperwork?
- Oh.

160
00:10:16,292 --> 00:10:18,227
Oh, shit I left it at home.

161
00:10:18,260 --> 00:10:20,729
But I do have my community
service hours.

162
00:10:20,763 --> 00:10:22,731
You're gonna need to
bring it by tomorrow.

163
00:10:22,765 --> 00:10:24,266
Without fail, please.

164
00:10:25,467 --> 00:10:27,169
The ventriloquist thing again?

165
00:10:27,937 --> 00:10:30,039
I can't just keep letting
this slide, Ruth.

166
00:10:30,072 --> 00:10:32,875
- Why not?
- Because it's not community service.

167
00:10:32,908 --> 00:10:34,910
It's meant to amuse
and entertain.

168
00:10:34,944 --> 00:10:37,479
But it "amuses and entertains"
the entire community, Crosby.

169
00:10:37,513 --> 00:10:39,515
Every episode gets over
two million hits.

170
00:10:39,548 --> 00:10:42,952
The idea behind community service is
to provide a fair level of restitution.

171
00:10:42,985 --> 00:10:46,722
Well, it's not like I robbed a bank,
or put someone in the hospital.

172
00:10:47,823 --> 00:10:49,158
That wasn't a hospital!

173
00:10:49,959 --> 00:10:52,328
Anyway, I put in a lot of
time and effort into it.

174
00:10:52,361 --> 00:10:55,397
You play the cello off to the side
of a very strange ventriloquist.

175
00:10:55,431 --> 00:10:58,834
Well, I choose the music, I
practice it, I perform it.

176
00:10:58,867 --> 00:11:02,304
I do my own goth makeup.
I bought a dress!

177
00:11:02,338 --> 00:11:04,073
I'm not judging your
work ethic, Ruth.

178
00:11:04,106 --> 00:11:09,178
I'm saying what if you played the cello at an
elder care facility or a homeless shelter.

179
00:11:10,346 --> 00:11:12,281
I was just thinking
outside the box.

180
00:11:12,314 --> 00:11:13,650
We're shooting another
one tonight.

181
00:11:13,683 --> 00:11:16,485
Well, I better not see those
hours on your paperwork next week.

182
00:11:17,553 --> 00:11:21,790
You're off probation soon, so let's go
for some real community service, huh?

183
00:11:26,328 --> 00:11:27,796
I did it again, didn't I?

184
00:11:29,198 --> 00:11:32,067
Don't get me wrong, Ruth,
I'm thrilled he's getting out of hospice.

185
00:11:32,101 --> 00:11:33,035
I'm just saying:

186
00:11:34,169 --> 00:11:36,138
What if he gets out and he
doesn't have a home anymore?

187
00:11:36,171 --> 00:11:38,007
I know, I know...

188
00:11:38,040 --> 00:11:40,209
Can't you just tell him the
truth? Maybe he could help.

189
00:11:40,242 --> 00:11:42,878
He's as broke as we are. He doesn't
have that kind of money anymore.

190
00:11:42,911 --> 00:11:46,015
Okay, then just tell the bank
that your dad's in hospice.

191
00:11:46,048 --> 00:11:49,351
That oughta buy you some time.
They wouldn't foreclose on a hospice guy.

192
00:11:49,385 --> 00:11:51,086
I told them that already.

193
00:11:51,120 --> 00:11:53,289
How the hell do you think I've
kept them out for ten months?

194
00:11:53,322 --> 00:11:54,390
You used that already?

195
00:11:54,423 --> 00:11:56,225
Yeah, when that guy came by!

196
00:11:56,258 --> 00:11:58,494
I thought you just flirted
your way out of that.

197
00:11:58,527 --> 00:12:00,963
Of ten months of back payments
and penalties?

198
00:12:00,996 --> 00:12:02,965
I don't have those kind
of flirting skills.

199
00:12:02,998 --> 00:12:06,201
Oh, Ruth I think you played
that hospice card way too soon.

200
00:12:06,235 --> 00:12:07,403
We'll think of something.

201
00:12:08,203 --> 00:12:09,171
You girls ready?

202
00:12:09,204 --> 00:12:10,472
It's not time yet...

203
00:12:10,506 --> 00:12:12,007
You're sure it's
okay if I watch?

204
00:12:12,041 --> 00:12:14,009
Errol seems kind of
temperamental.

205
00:12:14,043 --> 00:12:16,178
Don't worry, he likes
people watching him.

206
00:12:16,211 --> 00:12:17,112
Trust me.

207
00:12:17,146 --> 00:12:18,547
Get your stuff.

208
00:12:18,581 --> 00:12:21,116
I'm not even dressed yet!
What's the hurry?

209
00:12:21,150 --> 00:12:24,086
I just thought we'd stop by the
freight building before we hit Errol's.

210
00:12:24,119 --> 00:12:26,088
Why?
What's at the freight building?

211
00:12:27,990 --> 00:12:30,092
You guys wanna see
a dead president?

212
00:12:35,197 --> 00:12:37,132
So I guess she lives
in Scottsdale now.

213
00:12:44,306 --> 00:12:47,209
So they shipped him all
the way from Pennsylvania?

214
00:12:47,242 --> 00:12:48,510
That's kinda gross.

215
00:13:00,456 --> 00:13:02,257
Actually, he never married.

216
00:13:02,291 --> 00:13:04,026
The only bachelor president.

217
00:13:04,059 --> 00:13:05,961
We won't get in trouble
for being here?

218
00:13:05,994 --> 00:13:08,263
- I mean if a security guard sees us, you won't...
- Security?

219
00:13:08,297 --> 00:13:10,899
We custodians are the
security around this place.

220
00:13:12,301 --> 00:13:13,369
He's in a crate?

221
00:13:13,402 --> 00:13:16,271
No, the casket's in the crate.
He's in the casket.

222
00:13:18,140 --> 00:13:21,043
They ship him out first thing in
the morning straight to the airport.

223
00:13:21,578 --> 00:13:23,212
They're flying him back.

224
00:13:24,581 --> 00:13:27,449
By this time tomorrow, he'll be
back underground, resting in peace.

225
00:13:29,385 --> 00:13:34,123
I bet Gretchen has opened and closed this thing
about fifty times today, showing it off.

226
00:13:38,927 --> 00:13:42,197
Shouldn't he be in a refrigerator
or on ice or something?

227
00:13:42,231 --> 00:13:43,399
That's what I thought.

228
00:13:43,432 --> 00:13:46,034
But I guess he stopped stinking
about a hundred years ago.

229
00:13:46,068 --> 00:13:48,270
He smells old, but he
doesn't smell bad.

230
00:13:49,271 --> 00:13:50,272
Okay...

231
00:13:50,305 --> 00:13:51,206
Behold!

232
00:13:51,240 --> 00:13:52,574
The grizzled remains

233
00:13:52,609 --> 00:13:57,446
of the fifteenth President of the
United States, James Buchanan.

234
00:14:00,015 --> 00:14:01,483
Wow.

235
00:14:01,517 --> 00:14:03,653
Oh, that's horrifying.

236
00:14:03,686 --> 00:14:04,587
I know!

237
00:14:06,021 --> 00:14:08,123
Oh, that'll make a lovely
Christmas card.

238
00:14:08,157 --> 00:14:08,957
I know.

239
00:14:08,991 --> 00:14:10,559
This is what he used
to look like.

240
00:14:10,593 --> 00:14:12,662
Gretchen's brother
is a philatelist.

241
00:14:12,695 --> 00:14:14,930
That's disgusting.
Poor Gretchen.

242
00:14:15,732 --> 00:14:19,401
I hate to say it, but I don't think
I've even heard of James Buchanan.

243
00:14:19,435 --> 00:14:21,537
He was the guy right
before Lincoln.

244
00:14:21,570 --> 00:14:23,305
Supposed to be the worst
president ever.

245
00:14:23,338 --> 00:14:25,507
Seriously, I looked
him up - the worst.

246
00:14:25,541 --> 00:14:26,408
Well...

247
00:14:27,342 --> 00:14:28,944
What made him worse
than all the others?

248
00:14:28,977 --> 00:14:32,347
There was the whole slavery issue.
You know, he was on the wrong side of that.

249
00:14:32,381 --> 00:14:34,584
And then the country started
falling apart.

250
00:14:34,617 --> 00:14:37,519
You know - States breaking off,
and he didn't do shit to stop that.

251
00:14:37,553 --> 00:14:41,056
He was a career politician, spineless,
couldn't make tough decisions.

252
00:14:41,089 --> 00:14:44,326
Oh! Historians refer to him as
a useless sack of crap.

253
00:14:44,359 --> 00:14:46,528
Oh, check out what he had
buried with him...

254
00:14:47,196 --> 00:14:48,598
You went through his pockets?

255
00:14:48,631 --> 00:14:49,732
Not all of them.

256
00:14:51,066 --> 00:14:52,769
Who's that?

257
00:14:52,802 --> 00:14:57,105
This is William Rufus King, Vice President
under some other president no one remembers.

258
00:14:57,139 --> 00:15:01,043
Also, Buchanan's roommate
for thirteen years.

259
00:15:01,076 --> 00:15:02,478
Also a "bachelor."

260
00:15:05,147 --> 00:15:06,515
He looks peaceful.

261
00:15:06,548 --> 00:15:08,317
He looks like a fucking ghoul.

262
00:15:08,350 --> 00:15:12,221
Well, this ghoul happens to be the most valuable
thing that's ever come through this dock.

263
00:15:12,254 --> 00:15:15,557
At one point in time, this nauseating
bag of bones was running the country.

264
00:15:15,592 --> 00:15:18,661
It's hard to imagine Abraham
Lincoln taking orders from this guy.

265
00:15:18,695 --> 00:15:22,531
Well, early on in his career,
Jimi Hendrix opened for The Monkees.

266
00:15:36,779 --> 00:15:39,348
If it comes up short, I'll just
replay it again from here.

267
00:15:39,381 --> 00:15:41,283
As long as it doesn't
break the mood.

268
00:15:41,316 --> 00:15:44,453
If the mood is broken then the
music serves no purpose.

269
00:15:45,087 --> 00:15:47,690
Oh Errol, this is
Meg, my roommate.

270
00:15:47,724 --> 00:15:50,259
- Hi.
- Nice to finally meet you.

271
00:15:50,292 --> 00:15:52,695
Sorry, it's wet from
the bathroom.

272
00:15:52,729 --> 00:15:57,667
I mean, it's water, I washed them.
It's not urine or anything.

273
00:15:57,700 --> 00:15:59,501
That's how you meet someone?

274
00:15:59,535 --> 00:16:02,170
"Nice to meet you, my hands
aren't covered in urine?"

275
00:16:02,204 --> 00:16:03,740
Delightful.

276
00:16:03,773 --> 00:16:06,776
You'll be observing tonight then, will
you, Meg? From a safe distance, yes.

277
00:16:09,111 --> 00:16:09,946
Dante!

278
00:16:10,580 --> 00:16:13,549
I asked for cream soda
not soda water!

279
00:16:13,583 --> 00:16:16,218
Sorry, Errol. I was going for
the healthier choice.

280
00:16:16,251 --> 00:16:18,053
- Hi, Ruth.
- Hey, Dante.

281
00:16:18,554 --> 00:16:19,923
Apologies.

282
00:16:19,956 --> 00:16:23,492
Anger is my traveling companion...
and sometimes I let him drive.

283
00:16:24,560 --> 00:16:26,261
This is Trina.

284
00:16:27,262 --> 00:16:29,298
She's developing her gift.

285
00:16:29,866 --> 00:16:31,834
Are you interested
in ventriloquism?

286
00:16:31,868 --> 00:16:34,436
Me? God, no.

287
00:16:34,469 --> 00:16:35,805
Not really. No.

288
00:16:37,607 --> 00:16:41,778
It really is the sort of analog art form that
will remain long after the bombs are dropped.

289
00:16:41,811 --> 00:16:43,646
Cockroaches and ventriloquism.

290
00:16:43,680 --> 00:16:47,584
Well, I know I could never do a
puppet show like you do.

291
00:16:47,617 --> 00:16:52,120
But I like those little dummies.
And their little suits, very smart.

292
00:16:55,758 --> 00:16:58,493
It's pretty sad when the happiest
part of that conversation

293
00:16:58,527 --> 00:17:00,429
was about soaking
your hands in urine.

294
00:17:00,462 --> 00:17:02,531
Please. He was lucky I was
as kind as I was.

295
00:17:02,564 --> 00:17:04,333
This whole thing is
fucking idiotic.

296
00:17:04,366 --> 00:17:07,135
You don't appreciate it
as an art form, Meg.

297
00:17:07,169 --> 00:17:09,404
You don't understand
the beauty of it.

298
00:17:30,292 --> 00:17:31,193
Shit!

299
00:17:31,961 --> 00:17:33,495
What's the goddamn line?

300
00:17:38,200 --> 00:17:40,469
You're sure that's German
for "piano wire"?

301
00:17:43,840 --> 00:17:45,608
Okay, we're going again!

302
00:17:46,308 --> 00:17:48,645
Take nine! Okay.

303
00:17:50,747 --> 00:17:51,848
Ruth, you can start it up.

304
00:17:53,482 --> 00:17:54,449
Ruth!

305
00:17:56,986 --> 00:17:58,588
- <i>Ruth!</i>
- What?

306
00:17:58,621 --> 00:17:59,922
I'm leaving.

307
00:17:59,956 --> 00:18:02,224
Last chance. It's gonna be fun.

308
00:18:02,257 --> 00:18:03,492
Lots of guys.

309
00:18:03,525 --> 00:18:05,762
Guys who play with dolls.

310
00:18:05,795 --> 00:18:07,362
No thanks, Holly.

311
00:18:07,396 --> 00:18:08,598
Your loss.

312
00:18:09,231 --> 00:18:09,899
Don't wait up...

313
00:18:14,269 --> 00:18:16,739
You've been in a weird mood tonight.

314
00:18:16,773 --> 00:18:17,640
Not really.

315
00:18:18,507 --> 00:18:21,209
Let's go get some coffee.
My treat.

316
00:18:21,243 --> 00:18:22,277
You're broke.

317
00:18:23,012 --> 00:18:24,013
Buy me some coffee?

318
00:18:26,548 --> 00:18:28,483
You know how people talk
about motivation,

319
00:18:28,517 --> 00:18:30,586
how you hang a
carrot from a stick

320
00:18:30,620 --> 00:18:32,689
to make the horse pull the wagon
and all that?

321
00:18:32,722 --> 00:18:35,825
Sure, the famous "Carrot-and-Stick
Horse Wagon Theorem."

322
00:18:35,858 --> 00:18:37,225
Yeah.

323
00:18:37,259 --> 00:18:38,795
Well, for as long as I can
remember,

324
00:18:38,828 --> 00:18:40,830
every time I've ever
gotten close to a carrot,

325
00:18:40,863 --> 00:18:42,564
it turned out just to be an
orange stick.

326
00:18:42,598 --> 00:18:44,934
- And I was right back at the beginning again.
- Yeah.

327
00:18:44,967 --> 00:18:48,004
But I think I might have
finally gotten hold of a carrot.

328
00:18:48,037 --> 00:18:48,905
Yeah?

329
00:18:50,505 --> 00:18:53,810
I know how we can get my dad's mortgage
back up to date, pay off all our bills,

330
00:18:53,843 --> 00:18:56,913
get your Mom's shit out of hock,
the fines, everything.

331
00:18:56,946 --> 00:18:59,582
It doesn't involve drugs or
prostitution, does it?

332
00:18:59,615 --> 00:19:02,952
I know the media tends to sugarcoat
those things to make them sound more fun

333
00:19:02,985 --> 00:19:05,855
- and they sound really fun, but...
- No, no, no. It's very simple.

334
00:19:06,789 --> 00:19:09,558
We're going to steal the corpse
of President James Buchanan.

335
00:19:12,360 --> 00:19:15,330
That's ridiculous... isn't it?

336
00:19:15,363 --> 00:19:17,265
That's what they said about
the Wright Brothers!

337
00:19:17,734 --> 00:19:19,401
But you're talking
about kidnapping!

338
00:19:19,434 --> 00:19:21,470
What kidnapping?
He's already dead.

339
00:19:21,503 --> 00:19:23,039
It's grave-robbing at best.

340
00:19:23,072 --> 00:19:26,008
- Will there be a ransom? Gonna write a ransom note?
- Yeah...

341
00:19:26,042 --> 00:19:28,911
As soon as a ransom note comes
into the picture, it's kidnapping.

342
00:19:28,945 --> 00:19:31,714
That's Crime 101.
You can go to prison, Ruth.

343
00:19:31,748 --> 00:19:34,617
No, we could go to prison.
But we won't.

344
00:19:34,650 --> 00:19:36,551
- Know why?
- I don't know.

345
00:19:36,586 --> 00:19:39,655
- Why?
- Because we have three things on our side:

346
00:19:39,689 --> 00:19:43,458
Brains, guts, and...

347
00:19:43,492 --> 00:19:45,327
Uh... motive?

348
00:19:45,360 --> 00:19:46,428
No...

349
00:19:46,461 --> 00:19:47,697
A truck?

350
00:19:48,497 --> 00:19:49,599
Okay, a truck.

351
00:19:49,632 --> 00:19:50,967
I don't know, Ruth.

352
00:19:51,000 --> 00:19:53,568
It's kind of a shitty way to
treat this guy, isn't it?

353
00:19:53,603 --> 00:19:54,837
Where's the harm?

354
00:19:54,871 --> 00:19:57,039
He's gonna wind up
back in his grave.

355
00:19:57,073 --> 00:19:59,976
Think of it like a millhouse
on a river.

356
00:20:00,009 --> 00:20:03,713
It uses the flowing water to
turn the big paddle-wheel,

357
00:20:03,746 --> 00:20:06,616
to
make cornmeal or something.

358
00:20:06,649 --> 00:20:08,517
But the water goes
back to the sea.

359
00:20:08,550 --> 00:20:10,385
We're just using
it for a second.

360
00:20:10,418 --> 00:20:13,623
Besides, you said you were planning
to become more unpredictable.

361
00:20:16,092 --> 00:20:19,629
I'm in a corner here, Meg.
My options ran out a few months ago.

362
00:20:19,662 --> 00:20:22,732
This isn't some half-assed adventure here.
I'm trying to survive.

363
00:20:23,666 --> 00:20:24,533
I need your help.

364
00:20:25,400 --> 00:20:26,836
Big time, I need your help.

365
00:20:29,839 --> 00:20:30,907
Okay, I'm in.

366
00:20:33,142 --> 00:20:35,611
Oh, that is so awesome, Meg.
You just saved my life.

367
00:20:36,145 --> 00:20:39,048
Okay, finish your mochiatta and
we'll begin the hijinks.

368
00:20:39,081 --> 00:20:41,550
Wait, we'll need Holly
along, right?

369
00:20:41,584 --> 00:20:43,418
- Why?
- She has the keys.

370
00:20:46,989 --> 00:20:48,925
You stole those from Holly?

371
00:20:48,958 --> 00:20:51,359
No, I didn't "steal"
them from Holly.

372
00:20:51,393 --> 00:20:52,962
They don't belong to Holly.

373
00:20:52,995 --> 00:20:55,064
She just uses them because
she works there.

374
00:20:55,097 --> 00:20:57,566
- But Holly will get in trouble.
- No, she won't.

375
00:20:57,600 --> 00:20:59,001
That's why we can't tell her.

376
00:20:59,035 --> 00:21:01,671
If she's in on it, then she'll be
a suspect because she has the keys.

377
00:21:01,704 --> 00:21:03,538
This keeps her absolutely safe.

378
00:21:03,572 --> 00:21:04,674
Don't worry about Holly.

379
00:21:04,707 --> 00:21:06,609
- We'll cut her in after we get the ransom.
- Okay.

380
00:21:11,047 --> 00:21:12,982
You think that guy overheard us?

381
00:21:13,015 --> 00:21:15,417
What if he overheard us
talking about this shit?

382
00:21:15,952 --> 00:21:16,819
Wait...

383
00:21:18,087 --> 00:21:21,858
So, Jillian, do you think this
bikini top is too small on me?

384
00:21:27,797 --> 00:21:29,497
Nah, we're good.

385
00:21:35,605 --> 00:21:38,007
We're not gonna take the
whole casket, are we?

386
00:21:38,040 --> 00:21:42,178
No, I saw some big boxes in
there and some bubble wrap.

387
00:21:42,211 --> 00:21:43,779
We'll just figure it out.

388
00:21:43,813 --> 00:21:46,082
And who exactly are we going
to ransom him off to?

389
00:21:46,115 --> 00:21:49,118
I told you: I'm gonna email the
ransom note to the government.

390
00:21:49,151 --> 00:21:50,987
I mean specifically who?

391
00:21:51,020 --> 00:21:54,590
You can't write an email to
government@government.gov.

392
00:21:54,624 --> 00:21:56,391
Don't worry, I'll find
the appropriate...

393
00:22:09,105 --> 00:22:12,875
Some lady in New Jersey owns Napoleon's
penis, and she says that she...

394
00:22:12,909 --> 00:22:16,544
Wait! Why the hell does some lady
in New Jersey own Napoleon's penis?

395
00:22:16,579 --> 00:22:18,147
She inherited it
from her father.

396
00:22:19,148 --> 00:22:20,783
Oh, okay.

397
00:22:20,816 --> 00:22:23,052
She says she got offered a
hundred-grand for it.

398
00:22:23,085 --> 00:22:25,888
A hundred thousand dollars?
Is it musical or something?

399
00:22:25,922 --> 00:22:31,559
No, it's "one inch long and resembles a
maltreated strip of buckskin shoelace."

400
00:22:31,594 --> 00:22:33,729
Eww! No wonder he was so angry.

401
00:22:33,763 --> 00:22:36,165
Some moron actually paid a
hundred thousand dollars for it?

402
00:22:36,198 --> 00:22:37,934
She didn't actually sell it.

403
00:22:37,967 --> 00:22:40,036
It was handed down
from her father.

404
00:22:40,069 --> 00:22:42,504
Mmm... okay I call
bullshit on that.

405
00:22:42,537 --> 00:22:46,042
Nobody refuses that kind of money
for a historical buckskin penis

406
00:22:46,075 --> 00:22:48,510
no matter how touching
that deathbed scene is!

407
00:22:48,543 --> 00:22:50,746
If my father leaves me a
shriveled dork in his will,

408
00:22:50,780 --> 00:22:53,182
I'm making a fucking smoothie out
of it and pouring it on his grave.

409
00:22:54,016 --> 00:22:55,651
I was thinking about the
grave-robbing charge.

410
00:22:55,685 --> 00:22:59,989
I'll grant you that it might not be kidnapping
but it's probably theft and burglary.

411
00:23:01,023 --> 00:23:02,658
You can't steal a human being.

412
00:23:02,692 --> 00:23:04,860
A person is not a
piece of property.

413
00:23:04,894 --> 00:23:06,062
That would be slavery!

414
00:23:06,796 --> 00:23:08,698
And look where slavery got
President Buchanan.

415
00:23:09,231 --> 00:23:11,968
Buried under some Christmas
ornaments in our garage?

416
00:23:12,001 --> 00:23:13,002
That is a sorry-ass fate.

417
00:23:13,035 --> 00:23:15,671
I still can't believe how
light his body was.

418
00:23:16,205 --> 00:23:19,642
Well, you take the moisture out of a
guy and he's just a pile of sticks.

419
00:23:20,676 --> 00:23:21,877
You better get ready for work.

420
00:23:21,911 --> 00:23:24,580
Me? You mean you're not
working at all today?

421
00:23:24,613 --> 00:23:27,249
No way. I've got to manage
this situation.

422
00:23:27,283 --> 00:23:29,585
I gotta get to the library
and send that email.

423
00:23:29,618 --> 00:23:32,121
First, I gotta create a new email address.
Untraceable.

424
00:23:32,855 --> 00:23:35,523
I want them to get it right before
they get the call from Pennsylvania

425
00:23:35,557 --> 00:23:37,026
saying that the
casket's empty.

426
00:23:37,059 --> 00:23:38,961
Just tell Gunderson I'm sick.

427
00:23:38,995 --> 00:23:41,597
Uhh... He's gonna need more
than just "sick."

428
00:23:41,630 --> 00:23:45,167
Well, tell him any ailment but put
the word "vaginal" in front of it.

429
00:23:45,201 --> 00:23:48,270
That way, if he questions it, he's gonna
have a harassment suit on his hands.

430
00:23:49,571 --> 00:23:50,873
"Vaginal pneumonia."

431
00:23:51,640 --> 00:23:52,574
Might work.

432
00:24:41,857 --> 00:24:42,758
Wait a minute...

433
00:24:43,759 --> 00:24:44,760
What a dick!

434
00:24:45,227 --> 00:24:46,095
What?

435
00:24:47,229 --> 00:24:49,298
The whole "moral evil" statement.
What a crock.

436
00:24:49,331 --> 00:24:51,100
It was not a crock...

437
00:24:52,268 --> 00:24:53,636
...it was the truth.

438
00:24:54,370 --> 00:24:55,771
No, no.

439
00:24:55,805 --> 00:24:57,673
You're trying to play both
sides of this thing.

440
00:24:57,706 --> 00:24:59,909
You say slavery is "a great
moral evil"

441
00:24:59,942 --> 00:25:03,112
and then you spend your entire political
career trying to keep it going.

442
00:25:03,145 --> 00:25:05,748
I'm afraid that's not entirely
true, my dear.

443
00:25:05,781 --> 00:25:08,017
You've drawn a naive conclusion.

444
00:25:08,050 --> 00:25:08,918
It's right here!

445
00:25:10,686 --> 00:25:12,688
You've barely started that book.

446
00:25:12,721 --> 00:25:16,292
And I cannot vouch for the
author's impartiality.

447
00:25:16,325 --> 00:25:20,830
If you would prefer a more
enlightened account of these events,

448
00:25:20,863 --> 00:25:23,399
I would recommend my own
book,

449
00:25:23,432 --> 00:25:27,203
<i>Mr. Buchanan's Administration on
the Eve of Rebellion.</i>

450
00:25:27,236 --> 00:25:28,504
That's the title?

451
00:25:28,537 --> 00:25:31,941
<i>Mr. Buchanan's Administration
on the Eve of Rebellion?</i>

452
00:25:32,374 --> 00:25:35,344
Oh my God, that is seriously
the worst title I've ever heard.

453
00:25:35,377 --> 00:25:38,247
Oh, lacks pungency?

454
00:25:38,280 --> 00:25:40,015
Yeah, it blows.

455
00:25:40,049 --> 00:25:41,150
You need an editor.

456
00:25:42,151 --> 00:25:45,254
You've made an enormous
mistake, Miss Kiesling.

457
00:25:45,287 --> 00:25:46,322
What?

458
00:25:46,355 --> 00:25:48,958
You know you cannot possibly
get away with this.

459
00:25:48,991 --> 00:25:53,896
You will spend a significant portion of your
remaining years in a federal penitentiary.

460
00:25:53,929 --> 00:25:58,067
For you, madam, are a
shiftless reprobate.

461
00:25:58,100 --> 00:25:59,902
I thought we were
talking about you.

462
00:26:00,436 --> 00:26:01,837
Ah, yes.

463
00:26:01,871 --> 00:26:04,140
Well, to criticize me,

464
00:26:04,173 --> 00:26:07,977
you must first understand the
time into which I was born.

465
00:26:08,010 --> 00:26:10,179
No man has a choice in that.

466
00:26:10,212 --> 00:26:12,281
And to me, all endeavors,

467
00:26:12,314 --> 00:26:15,718
even moral ones are answerable

468
00:26:15,751 --> 00:26:19,121
not to the fickle tide of
popular opinion but to the law.

469
00:26:19,155 --> 00:26:22,791
For all endeavors there
is but one master.

470
00:26:22,825 --> 00:26:23,826
God?

471
00:26:23,859 --> 00:26:25,060
The law!

472
00:26:25,494 --> 00:26:28,664
I acknowledge no master
but the law.

473
00:26:29,165 --> 00:26:30,432
So you don't believe in God?

474
00:26:31,133 --> 00:26:34,370
Well, yes, but you're
missing the point.

475
00:26:34,403 --> 00:26:36,839
It's very dramatic,
what I'm saying.

476
00:26:36,872 --> 00:26:38,474
No, the law, I got it.

477
00:26:38,507 --> 00:26:42,745
But the government is supposed
to change the stupid ones, right?

478
00:26:42,778 --> 00:26:44,380
And what do you know
of government?

479
00:26:44,413 --> 00:26:46,815
I was in student government
ever since fifth grade.

480
00:26:46,849 --> 00:26:49,118
And in high school I was elected
officer every year.

481
00:26:49,151 --> 00:26:53,322
Secretary, treasurer, veep until
my senior class, I was president...

482
00:26:54,023 --> 00:26:55,024
For a while.

483
00:26:55,524 --> 00:26:56,892
"For a while?"

484
00:26:56,926 --> 00:26:58,093
That didn't work out.

485
00:26:59,195 --> 00:27:03,399
So this is your area
of expertise?

486
00:27:04,233 --> 00:27:05,234
No.

487
00:27:05,267 --> 00:27:07,236
But I know enough about it

488
00:27:07,269 --> 00:27:11,840
to know that you can't lump slavery
in with shoplifting and horseplay.

489
00:27:13,909 --> 00:27:16,011
All endeavors...

490
00:27:23,986 --> 00:27:25,087
Hey how'd it go?

491
00:27:25,120 --> 00:27:28,991
Good. Did Gunderson buy that
vaginal pneumonia story?

492
00:27:29,024 --> 00:27:31,126
Pneumonia! Pneumonia!

493
00:27:31,160 --> 00:27:33,162
I couldn't remember "pneumonia"
for the life of me.

494
00:27:33,195 --> 00:27:34,664
I kept thinking "whooping
cough".

495
00:27:34,698 --> 00:27:38,100
So in case Gunderson asks,
you had a 24-hour case of whooping vagina.

496
00:27:39,034 --> 00:27:41,203
So did you get it all done?
The ransom note?

497
00:27:41,237 --> 00:27:43,906
Yup. Short and sweet.
Just like writing ourselves a check.

498
00:27:43,939 --> 00:27:45,975
This is so cool!

499
00:27:46,008 --> 00:27:47,943
So how do we handle
the money drop?

500
00:27:47,977 --> 00:27:51,780
Well, I didn't put it in the note,
but I figured out an awesome plan.

501
00:27:51,814 --> 00:27:55,017
Took me a couple of hours, but
it is top-notch caper shit!

502
00:27:55,050 --> 00:27:56,352
- Ready?
- Yeah.

503
00:27:58,520 --> 00:28:01,423
<i>First, we tell them that
the drop will be at the Quik-Run</i>

504
00:28:01,457 --> 00:28:03,092
at Washington
and 40th Street at 11 am.

505
00:28:03,125 --> 00:28:04,526
They are to put a 150,000...

506
00:28:04,560 --> 00:28:06,962
I'll be watching the
bagman from behind the wall...

507
00:28:06,996 --> 00:28:09,898
...the westbound light rail train and
I call the bagman from a cell phone...

508
00:28:09,932 --> 00:28:11,333
...to get off at McDowell
station...

509
00:28:11,367 --> 00:28:13,135
Are you sure it's
the "bagman?"

510
00:28:13,168 --> 00:28:15,938
He's got the bag, so yeah.
Come on, you're killing the flow.

511
00:28:15,971 --> 00:28:19,008
- Sorry.
- I direct him to the side of the building...

512
00:28:19,041 --> 00:28:20,242
He'll toss the bag and press...

513
00:28:20,276 --> 00:28:21,611
...and when the elevator opens...

514
00:28:21,645 --> 00:28:24,246
...11:30, a small group from the
third floor leaves for lunch...

515
00:28:24,280 --> 00:28:26,815
...drop it down to me where I'll
be and leave as if you're...

516
00:28:26,849 --> 00:28:29,184
...go back to the alley and move
east to my car on 3rd Street

517
00:28:29,218 --> 00:28:30,853
where our carefree future
awaits.

518
00:28:31,387 --> 00:28:35,257
Oh my God. It's like criminal
<i>Beautiful Minds.</i>

519
00:28:35,291 --> 00:28:36,358
It's brilliant!

520
00:28:37,293 --> 00:28:38,927
You're like an evil
genius!

521
00:28:40,929 --> 00:28:41,797
I know!

522
00:28:42,498 --> 00:28:43,966
Might be too late.

523
00:28:43,999 --> 00:28:46,902
When I checked earlier, it was already
after six o'clock Washington time.

524
00:28:46,935 --> 00:28:48,537
Yeah, but it can't
hurt to check.

525
00:28:57,513 --> 00:28:58,847
The library is closing!

526
00:29:02,418 --> 00:29:03,586
We're closing, ladies.

527
00:29:08,057 --> 00:29:09,659
Well, they got back to us
at least,

528
00:29:09,693 --> 00:29:13,962
but I think they think we're asking for a
federal grant for some historical study.

529
00:29:13,996 --> 00:29:16,599
I'll bet this link goes
to a grant application.

530
00:29:16,633 --> 00:29:18,534
And why do they need your
social security number?

531
00:29:18,567 --> 00:29:20,536
Are they planning to
tax us on the ransom?

532
00:29:20,569 --> 00:29:23,872
I know we're first-time kidnappers,
but I don't think that's customary.

533
00:29:23,906 --> 00:29:26,075
No. And I'm sure giving them a
bank routing number

534
00:29:26,108 --> 00:29:29,945
would be more efficient but it
feels like we'd be tipping our hand.

535
00:29:29,978 --> 00:29:30,946
Rookie mistake.

536
00:29:31,614 --> 00:29:33,148
Why did you write "Yours
in Christ" at the end?

537
00:29:33,182 --> 00:29:36,318
To make them think we were religious
fanatics to throw them off the scent.

538
00:29:36,352 --> 00:29:37,886
Good thinking...

539
00:29:44,661 --> 00:29:47,396
You don't think anyone could have
been watching the library, do you?

540
00:29:47,429 --> 00:29:48,497
Like the Feds or something?

541
00:29:48,530 --> 00:29:51,133
I'm just saying what if the
library has cameras.

542
00:29:51,166 --> 00:29:52,635
And you checked out
a book on Buchanan.

543
00:29:52,669 --> 00:29:54,637
How many people actually
do that on purpose?

544
00:29:55,571 --> 00:29:57,607
Well, I didn't check
it out officially.

545
00:29:57,640 --> 00:29:58,675
Ruth...

546
00:29:58,708 --> 00:30:00,943
Besides, we don't have to use
that email anymore

547
00:30:00,976 --> 00:30:03,045
because we have this lady's
number: Parnella Monroe.

548
00:30:03,078 --> 00:30:05,615
Cool, we can take a long lunch
and give her a call tomorrow.

549
00:30:05,648 --> 00:30:07,116
Oh! Mormons!

550
00:30:10,352 --> 00:30:12,354
Hey, do you wanna
grab some dinner?

551
00:30:13,021 --> 00:30:14,156
I can't.

552
00:30:14,189 --> 00:30:16,525
I have to re-shoot that "Drang
und Sturm" video again.

553
00:30:16,558 --> 00:30:17,393
Again? Why?

554
00:30:17,426 --> 00:30:19,895
Errol thought of something
more ironic.

555
00:30:20,529 --> 00:30:22,064
Like you said, he's
temperamental.

556
00:30:27,269 --> 00:30:28,137
Lights!

557
00:30:33,375 --> 00:30:36,646
You can't be serious about
that "Dred Scott decision".

558
00:30:36,679 --> 00:30:38,615
You actually agreed with that?

559
00:30:38,648 --> 00:30:39,716
Indeed.

560
00:30:39,749 --> 00:30:42,518
It was a Supreme Court decision.

561
00:30:43,152 --> 00:30:45,154
Man, that's some evil nonsense.

562
00:30:46,155 --> 00:30:49,425
Again, Miss Kiesling, you
are missing the point.

563
00:30:49,458 --> 00:30:53,028
Slavery was a legal issue
not a moral one.

564
00:30:53,061 --> 00:30:58,167
The law considered slaves property, and
as such carried the rights of ownership.

565
00:30:58,200 --> 00:31:03,071
Congress makes the laws; the
president merely administers them.

566
00:31:03,539 --> 00:31:04,741
That's a cop-out.

567
00:31:04,774 --> 00:31:08,477
In chapter three, you talked
about how much you hate slavery

568
00:31:08,510 --> 00:31:11,246
and how you're glad you live in
a state where it doesn't exist.

569
00:31:11,280 --> 00:31:14,216
And then when you get in a position
to do something about it...

570
00:31:15,618 --> 00:31:17,620
See, this is why you were
a shitty president.

571
00:31:18,554 --> 00:31:23,492
Ruth, I'm going to stretch my
non-verbal skills after the second line.

572
00:31:23,525 --> 00:31:27,262
So if you can just vamp
until I do the eye-roll.

573
00:31:27,296 --> 00:31:29,699
Got it. "Vamp until
the eye-roll."

574
00:31:29,732 --> 00:31:30,966
Dante!

575
00:31:31,567 --> 00:31:33,703
Why am I the villain?

576
00:31:33,736 --> 00:31:35,437
I never owned slaves.

577
00:31:35,471 --> 00:31:37,406
Washington? Jefferson?

578
00:31:37,439 --> 00:31:39,141
They were slave owners.

579
00:31:39,174 --> 00:31:41,510
And are they held
up for ridicule? No.

580
00:31:41,543 --> 00:31:44,480
They have their faces carved
into a mountain

581
00:31:44,513 --> 00:31:47,617
while I'm only
found on a twenty-cent stamp!

582
00:31:47,650 --> 00:31:49,518
Okay, that's not a bad point.

583
00:31:51,320 --> 00:31:55,224
But calling them out by saying, "They're just
as bad as I was" is a pretty creepy argument.

584
00:31:55,257 --> 00:31:57,392
And those guys did shit!

585
00:31:57,426 --> 00:32:01,063
You don't get your face put on money
or mountains by spinning your wheels.

586
00:32:01,631 --> 00:32:03,365
And it was a fifteen-cent stamp.

587
00:32:05,100 --> 00:32:09,706
Permit me to point out that those are very
high-minded platitudes for a grave robber.

588
00:32:09,739 --> 00:32:14,510
And worse: one who kowtows to
an arrogant puppeteer.

589
00:32:15,444 --> 00:32:17,079
Don't get snappy.

590
00:32:17,112 --> 00:32:21,116
I'm just trying to wrap my head around why
the voters elected a boob for president.

591
00:32:21,684 --> 00:32:23,018
A "boob?"

592
00:32:23,051 --> 00:32:27,389
Would a "boob" serve as Minister
to the United Kingdom and Russia?

593
00:32:27,422 --> 00:32:30,727
Could he hold the office
of Secretary of State?

594
00:32:30,760 --> 00:32:34,429
A "boob" would never be elected
to both the United States Senate

595
00:32:34,463 --> 00:32:36,365
and the House of
Representatives.

596
00:32:36,398 --> 00:32:39,535
Nor would he be offered an
appointment to the Supreme Court.

597
00:32:39,568 --> 00:32:41,804
And a "boob," my good woman,

598
00:32:41,838 --> 00:32:44,807
does not and cannot engender the
goodwill

599
00:32:44,841 --> 00:32:48,143
required to stand as
President of the United States.

600
00:32:48,176 --> 00:32:52,682
This is nothing less than the
curriculum vitae of a statesman!

601
00:32:55,250 --> 00:32:57,286
Maybe "boob" isn't
the right word.

602
00:33:00,790 --> 00:33:02,424
Apology accepted.

603
00:33:04,326 --> 00:33:06,629
Give me
the money or Buchanan gets it!

604
00:33:06,663 --> 00:33:07,563
That's cool!

605
00:33:07,597 --> 00:33:09,431
You can disguise
your voice on the phone.

606
00:33:09,464 --> 00:33:11,768
I had my sister bring it by.
It's my nephew's.

607
00:33:11,801 --> 00:33:14,236
That's great. Doesn't sound
very intimidating, though.

608
00:33:14,269 --> 00:33:16,673
It's got a bunch of other
settings, not just the alien one.

609
00:33:17,774 --> 00:33:20,743
Don't force
me to set fire to the president.

610
00:33:20,777 --> 00:33:23,378
Sounds like we're calling from
a corrugated drainage pipe.

611
00:33:23,412 --> 00:33:24,814
That'll throw 'em off the scent!

612
00:33:24,847 --> 00:33:26,749
Did you figure out where we
can steal a cell phone?

613
00:33:26,783 --> 00:33:29,484
There's a couple of restaurants on
Mill Avenue with outdoor patios.

614
00:33:29,518 --> 00:33:31,788
- Tables right off the sidewalk.
- Cool...

615
00:33:31,821 --> 00:33:36,726
Then at lunch, we ride!

616
00:33:36,759 --> 00:33:38,327
Okay, there's our guy.

617
00:33:38,895 --> 00:33:40,529
You go in and flirt with
him.

618
00:33:40,562 --> 00:33:43,666
When you've got him looking the other
direction, I'll swoop in and grab his phone.

619
00:33:43,700 --> 00:33:44,734
I can't flirt.

620
00:33:44,767 --> 00:33:46,435
You should be the
one who flirts.

621
00:33:46,468 --> 00:33:47,604
I'll grab the phone.

622
00:33:47,637 --> 00:33:50,172
I have never had the skill set
to flirt intentionally.

623
00:33:50,205 --> 00:33:51,373
I'll look ridiculous.

624
00:33:51,406 --> 00:33:53,743
No, Ruth. You're really pretty.

625
00:33:53,776 --> 00:33:55,778
You just have to walk
up to him and smile.

626
00:33:55,812 --> 00:33:58,213
I can't smile on cue like that.

627
00:33:58,246 --> 00:33:59,147
Try it... right now.

628
00:33:59,181 --> 00:34:01,116
Give me a sexy smile.

629
00:34:05,722 --> 00:34:07,289
Okay, I'll flirt with him.

630
00:34:07,322 --> 00:34:08,858
But I can't guarantee results.

631
00:34:08,891 --> 00:34:10,627
I got it: take off your
bra.

632
00:34:10,660 --> 00:34:13,462
- What?
- You want results? Take your bra off.

633
00:34:13,495 --> 00:34:14,764
Nobody wants to see that.

634
00:34:14,797 --> 00:34:17,265
You know my nipples don't
line up anymore.

635
00:34:17,299 --> 00:34:20,603
It doesn't matter if he's looking because
he's turned on or because he's horrified.

636
00:34:20,637 --> 00:34:21,804
We just want him looking.

637
00:34:24,206 --> 00:34:25,374
Fine.

638
00:34:27,309 --> 00:34:28,911
Hi. Excuse me...

639
00:34:29,612 --> 00:34:31,714
Can you please tell me the time?

640
00:34:33,783 --> 00:34:38,286
Sure, no problem. You cannot
spell time without "me".

641
00:34:38,320 --> 00:34:40,489
Or "it".

642
00:34:40,522 --> 00:34:42,391
Oh, I get it.

643
00:34:42,424 --> 00:34:43,726
Or "met."

644
00:34:43,760 --> 00:34:45,394
Okay, this isn't "Boggle."

645
00:34:52,602 --> 00:34:53,468
What do you think?

646
00:34:54,436 --> 00:34:56,505
Hello, Miss Monroe.

647
00:34:56,538 --> 00:34:57,907
Nice.

648
00:35:00,777 --> 00:35:01,944
Parnella Monroe.

649
00:35:02,812 --> 00:35:05,347
Hello, Miss Monroe.

650
00:35:05,848 --> 00:35:07,516
Can you repeat that?

651
00:35:08,851 --> 00:35:11,688
Is this Miss Monroe?

652
00:35:14,857 --> 00:35:15,758
Shit.

653
00:35:15,792 --> 00:35:16,726
What happened?

654
00:35:20,797 --> 00:35:22,464
Parnella Monroe.

655
00:35:22,497 --> 00:35:25,267
This is Mr. X, Miss Monroe.

656
00:35:25,968 --> 00:35:27,369
Yes, Mr. X.

657
00:35:27,402 --> 00:35:30,472
We had a correspondence about a "Mr.
Buchanan." How can I assist you?

658
00:35:30,505 --> 00:35:34,476
Well, I'm just following up
on that correspondence.

659
00:35:34,509 --> 00:35:36,344
I got your response,

660
00:35:36,378 --> 00:35:39,247
but it seems to be all about
applying for a grant

661
00:35:39,281 --> 00:35:42,585
and needing our social security
number and banking information.

662
00:35:42,618 --> 00:35:45,387
I hope you don't think we'd be
stupid enough to give you that shit.

663
00:35:45,420 --> 00:35:48,290
I didn't mean to insinuate a lack
of intelligence on your part.

664
00:35:48,323 --> 00:35:51,326
But I hope that you realize that
as an arm of the US Government,

665
00:35:51,359 --> 00:35:54,897
we have to provide a certain amount of
transparency for any financial outlay.

666
00:35:54,931 --> 00:35:56,364
Is it about the amount?

667
00:35:57,499 --> 00:35:59,468
What if we lowered it to a
hundred thousand dollars?

668
00:35:59,501 --> 00:36:01,570
That's a very generous
counteroffer, Mr. X,

669
00:36:01,604 --> 00:36:04,607
but my office is not authorized
to make that size of a payment

670
00:36:04,640 --> 00:36:06,408
without going through a formal
bid process.

671
00:36:06,441 --> 00:36:10,278
This isn't a payment or a bid; this
is a ransom for James Buchanan.

672
00:36:10,312 --> 00:36:12,014
A ransom for a kidnapping?

673
00:36:12,048 --> 00:36:13,950
Yes. Kind of.

674
00:36:13,983 --> 00:36:15,985
And you say the gentleman
is deceased.

675
00:36:16,018 --> 00:36:16,986
He is.

676
00:36:17,019 --> 00:36:19,554
As I understand the protocol of
a kidnapping,

677
00:36:19,589 --> 00:36:23,059
the basis for a ransom or the collateral
is the life of the person being kidnapped.

678
00:36:23,092 --> 00:36:26,629
A kidnapped victim with no life has no
leverage. You understand my point, Mr. X?

679
00:36:26,662 --> 00:36:29,766
You understand that this is a former
president we're talking about, right?

680
00:36:29,799 --> 00:36:32,068
I'm aware of Mr. Buchanan's
former occupation.

681
00:36:32,101 --> 00:36:34,604
But you have no collateral
with which to bargain.

682
00:36:34,637 --> 00:36:36,806
<i>A quick call to Woodland Mill
Cemetery this morning</i>

683
00:36:36,839 --> 00:36:40,509
confirmed that Mr. Buchanan was safely
reinterred yesterday afternoon without incident.

684
00:36:40,542 --> 00:36:42,779
Wait, that's not true!
I've got him!

685
00:36:42,812 --> 00:36:45,514
They just didn't open up the
coffin to find out it was empty!

686
00:36:45,547 --> 00:36:46,949
You've gotta dig him back up!

687
00:36:46,983 --> 00:36:49,551
This is a hundred thousand dollar
president we're talking about here!

688
00:36:49,585 --> 00:36:51,553
You are overplaying
your hand, Mr. X.

689
00:36:51,587 --> 00:36:55,691
This is not Abraham Lincoln or Teddy
Roosevelt or even Millard G.D. Fillmore.

690
00:36:55,725 --> 00:36:58,326
James Buchanan was a
terrible president.

691
00:36:58,360 --> 00:36:59,929
Perhaps our shittiest one.

692
00:37:00,830 --> 00:37:01,697
Well...

693
00:37:03,199 --> 00:37:04,466
So, in the future, if you are going
to claim to have dug up a president,

694
00:37:04,499 --> 00:37:07,402
you might want to go for one
of the more marquee gentlemen.

695
00:37:08,104 --> 00:37:12,340
Um... can I talk to
your manager or...

696
00:37:12,374 --> 00:37:15,812
Might I make a suggestion, Mr. X? Kidnapping
is a very serious federal offense.

697
00:37:15,845 --> 00:37:18,047
It's not kidnapping,
you said it yourself.

698
00:37:18,080 --> 00:37:19,949
Grave-robbing is the worst
that it could be.

699
00:37:19,982 --> 00:37:22,618
I don't think you're going to be
sweating the grave-robbing charge

700
00:37:22,652 --> 00:37:24,787
when you're doing twelve
years for extortion.

701
00:37:24,821 --> 00:37:26,589
<i>It would be wise
to drop this now.</i>

702
00:37:26,622 --> 00:37:28,624
And if you get the urge to email
me,

703
00:37:28,658 --> 00:37:31,027
I would advise against using the
computer at the library.

704
00:37:31,060 --> 00:37:32,061
Are we clear?

705
00:37:32,094 --> 00:37:33,696
Yes, ma'am.

706
00:37:33,729 --> 00:37:37,633
Then you have a wonderful day, Mr. X,
and you try to make some better decisions.

707
00:37:41,469 --> 00:37:42,337
Well?

708
00:37:43,639 --> 00:37:45,107
Her points were well-reasoned.

709
00:37:45,775 --> 00:37:46,809
Fuck.

710
00:37:50,746 --> 00:37:53,049
- I got it. The rich lady.
- What?

711
00:37:53,082 --> 00:37:56,652
Plan B. The rich lady who brought
him here in the first place!

712
00:37:56,686 --> 00:37:59,088
Perfect! I knew you'd come
up with something.

713
00:37:59,121 --> 00:38:02,091
Wait! We don't have to steal
another cell phone, do we?

714
00:38:02,124 --> 00:38:04,861
Nah, that was just because it
was a government agency.

715
00:38:04,894 --> 00:38:06,863
The phone booth at the gas
station will be fine.

716
00:38:06,896 --> 00:38:09,632
- We'll go right after work.
- I thought you were gonna see your dad.

717
00:38:09,665 --> 00:38:11,100
I can see him tomorrow.

718
00:38:11,133 --> 00:38:13,636
Oh, I don't know if
I'd skip that, Ruth.

719
00:38:15,171 --> 00:38:16,772
Next week?

720
00:38:16,806 --> 00:38:18,841
Two weeks at the most.

721
00:38:18,875 --> 00:38:22,745
Then I'll be home in
my own damn bed.

722
00:38:22,778 --> 00:38:25,815
That's amazing.
The tests all came out clean?

723
00:38:25,848 --> 00:38:27,382
Clean as a Dutch oven.

724
00:38:28,618 --> 00:38:32,955
Don't eat that shit, Ruthie!
That stuff is so bad for you.

725
00:38:32,989 --> 00:38:35,625
No it's not. It's fortified.

726
00:38:37,226 --> 00:38:38,761
That's great news, Dad.

727
00:38:38,794 --> 00:38:42,031
You know that Meg and Holly are
living with me now.

728
00:38:42,064 --> 00:38:44,934
- I don't know if I can just get them out.
- That's alright.

729
00:38:44,967 --> 00:38:47,703
The more the merrier as long as
they're clean.

730
00:38:47,737 --> 00:38:51,506
But we gotta keep all this
hush-hush, though.

731
00:38:52,041 --> 00:38:56,646
Zeblisky said if the hospice
people got wind of this,

732
00:38:56,679 --> 00:38:59,481
my insurance wouldn't pay for
the stay.

733
00:39:00,515 --> 00:39:01,717
I won't say a thing.

734
00:39:03,953 --> 00:39:06,589
Do you want me to see if I can get
Brownie back from the Nielsens?

735
00:39:06,622 --> 00:39:08,691
They don't really seem to
be dog people anyway.

736
00:39:08,724 --> 00:39:13,896
No no more dogs. I've had the
time to think about that here.

737
00:39:13,930 --> 00:39:16,564
I don't think old people
should have dogs.

738
00:39:16,599 --> 00:39:21,837
See, a dog would eat you if he could
figure out you were made of meat.

739
00:39:21,871 --> 00:39:26,508
So thank God they're morons.

740
00:39:27,509 --> 00:39:29,477
I need some time
to process this.

741
00:39:30,880 --> 00:39:33,916
Things don't turn out exactly
the way you think they will.

742
00:39:33,950 --> 00:39:38,721
Yeah... Different...
Different... Not all bad.

743
00:39:41,090 --> 00:39:43,859
You're starting to sound like a
glass-half-full kind of guy.

744
00:39:45,094 --> 00:39:46,528
Not really.

745
00:39:47,797 --> 00:39:50,032
It only seems fuller

746
00:39:50,066 --> 00:39:53,903
because the glass is a little
smaller these days.

747
00:40:05,948 --> 00:40:07,049
<i>Warren residence.</i>

748
00:40:07,083 --> 00:40:10,286
Hello, I would like to speak
with Mrs. Laura Warren.

749
00:40:10,319 --> 00:40:11,721
<i>Who's calling, please?</i>

750
00:40:11,754 --> 00:40:14,023
My name is... Deborah Gibson.

751
00:40:14,857 --> 00:40:17,293
And I am calling about a
gentleman friend of hers:

752
00:40:17,326 --> 00:40:18,928
President James Buchanan.

753
00:40:19,662 --> 00:40:20,796
<i>One moment, please.</i>

754
00:40:20,830 --> 00:40:22,031
He's getting her!

755
00:40:25,935 --> 00:40:27,603
<i>Are you from the newspaper?</i>

756
00:40:27,636 --> 00:40:30,106
<i>Do you wish to conduct an
interview with Mrs. Warren?</i>

757
00:40:30,806 --> 00:40:32,675
Uh, that's right, guy.

758
00:40:32,708 --> 00:40:33,776
An interview.

759
00:40:35,111 --> 00:40:38,014
<i>Mrs. Warren will be dining
at LeBaron's this evening.</i>

760
00:40:38,047 --> 00:40:39,949
<i>You can join her there
promptly at 7:30.</i>

761
00:40:39,982 --> 00:40:42,651
Oh, I don't know if that's something that... Hello?

762
00:40:47,056 --> 00:40:48,190
What happened?

763
00:40:48,224 --> 00:40:50,693
She wants to have dinner with me.
For an interview.

764
00:40:50,726 --> 00:40:52,628
Maybe that's a good thing.

765
00:40:52,661 --> 00:40:53,996
No way that's a good thing.

766
00:40:54,030 --> 00:40:56,265
No, this way you can see whether
she would even consider

767
00:40:56,298 --> 00:40:58,934
paying a ransom without actually
demanding it up front.

768
00:40:58,968 --> 00:41:02,638
And if she's not interested, well,
at least you got a free meal.

769
00:41:02,671 --> 00:41:03,939
She'll see right through me.

770
00:41:03,973 --> 00:41:06,642
No way! She's a rich widow.

771
00:41:06,675 --> 00:41:09,645
Reality to her is spending
thousands and thousands of dollars

772
00:41:09,678 --> 00:41:12,748
to dig up a dead guy and mail him across
the country to her doctor's house.

773
00:41:12,782 --> 00:41:14,984
She's fucking delusional,
just play along.

774
00:41:16,685 --> 00:41:19,955
...but his grandfather
didn't have the means to get it done.

775
00:41:19,989 --> 00:41:24,693
So I guess it was my uncle who first
got me interested in pursuing it.

776
00:41:25,327 --> 00:41:27,797
He had this long car.

777
00:41:27,830 --> 00:41:30,132
I tell you, it was the greatest
thing since funny milk!

778
00:41:31,267 --> 00:41:35,204
Anyway, so I... do you need to
change the tape out in that thing?

779
00:41:35,237 --> 00:41:38,741
It's fine. Like I said, it's
digital, so the tape's really small.

780
00:41:38,774 --> 00:41:43,779
Now, I touched on this earlier,
but maybe I wasn't being clear.

781
00:41:43,813 --> 00:41:45,848
It's about your investment
in this...

782
00:41:45,881 --> 00:41:49,718
Oh, the donations and the endowments I
had to make just to open the right doors.

783
00:41:49,752 --> 00:41:52,755
Plus the cost to ship a
fully-insured casket.

784
00:41:52,788 --> 00:41:54,223
That was
a requirement of the county.

785
00:41:54,256 --> 00:41:57,359
And the medical costs and
the procedures and...

786
00:41:57,393 --> 00:42:01,730
That's what I'm getting at. All the
costs to get him out here and everything.

787
00:42:01,764 --> 00:42:02,765
Well, I had to.

788
00:42:02,798 --> 00:42:05,201
There's only one doctor
in the country I trust.

789
00:42:05,234 --> 00:42:10,172
He happens to be my doctor and he wasn't
going to fly back East, which I can respect.

790
00:42:10,206 --> 00:42:12,675
While the results were
disappointing,

791
00:42:12,708 --> 00:42:16,345
I feel that ultimately it was
money well spent.

792
00:42:16,378 --> 00:42:18,280
That's what I'm getting
at: money well spent.

793
00:42:19,181 --> 00:42:23,152
You see, there's this other
person that I interviewed

794
00:42:23,185 --> 00:42:25,921
that says that the body was
never shipped back...

795
00:42:25,955 --> 00:42:27,189
That empty coffin
story is hogwash.

796
00:42:27,223 --> 00:42:30,392
I didn't pay same-day freight
just to ship back an empty box.

797
00:42:30,426 --> 00:42:32,728
The county and the cemetery
both confirmed...

798
00:42:32,761 --> 00:42:35,397
I happen to know it's
true, Mrs. Warren.

799
00:42:36,198 --> 00:42:37,601
And the person I interviewed

800
00:42:37,633 --> 00:42:42,438
said that they are willing to keep
this embarrassment on the down-low

801
00:42:42,471 --> 00:42:45,241
for a donation or
endowment.

802
00:42:47,309 --> 00:42:48,878
And just how much would that be?

803
00:42:48,911 --> 00:42:50,980
They say fifty thousand dollars.

804
00:42:52,114 --> 00:42:53,082
You don't believe me?

805
00:42:54,618 --> 00:42:57,887
It doesn't matter whether I believe
you, because it's none of my concern.

806
00:42:57,920 --> 00:42:59,989
DNA says he's no kin of mine.

807
00:43:00,022 --> 00:43:03,325
So you can just skedaddle along and
find someone else to shake down.

808
00:43:03,359 --> 00:43:04,793
I've washed my hands
of that man.

809
00:43:04,827 --> 00:43:08,230
But he was dug up because of you.
Don't you feel any responsibility?

810
00:43:08,264 --> 00:43:09,365
No, I do not.

811
00:43:09,398 --> 00:43:14,069
That H-O-M-O-sexual has been
hanging over my family

812
00:43:14,103 --> 00:43:16,138
like a vulture for the past
hundred years.

813
00:43:16,172 --> 00:43:17,273
It's embarrassing.

814
00:43:17,306 --> 00:43:19,942
Then why did you go through all
the trouble and expense?

815
00:43:19,975 --> 00:43:21,844
Well, he was president.

816
00:43:24,747 --> 00:43:28,117
Even the ugliest Osmond brother
is still an Osmond brother.

817
00:43:34,356 --> 00:43:35,424
Out of bounds.

818
00:43:36,992 --> 00:43:39,328
Whatever would lead her
to that conclusion?

819
00:43:39,361 --> 00:43:41,463
Well, for starters,
after you died,

820
00:43:41,497 --> 00:43:44,266
your niece and Mr. King's
niece made it a point

821
00:43:44,300 --> 00:43:46,869
of burning all of the letters
you two wrote to each other.

822
00:43:46,902 --> 00:43:47,903
Third down...

823
00:43:49,271 --> 00:43:51,040
There's nothing odd in that.

824
00:43:51,073 --> 00:43:53,375
- The letters were private.
- Hey, I'm not judging.

825
00:43:53,409 --> 00:43:56,946
It just makes it sound like they were
forbidden love letters between two dudes.

826
00:43:56,979 --> 00:43:59,348
Fourth down. I'm kicking
a field goal.

827
00:44:02,251 --> 00:44:04,987
Three points. Suck it, Buchanan!

828
00:44:05,020 --> 00:44:09,225
William Rufus King was a
wonderful companion.

829
00:44:09,258 --> 00:44:11,894
We had many interests in common.

830
00:44:11,927 --> 00:44:14,530
And you are judging,
Miss Kiesling.

831
00:44:14,563 --> 00:44:18,801
No, no you lived together
for thirteen years.

832
00:44:18,834 --> 00:44:21,170
You went to every
party together.

833
00:44:21,203 --> 00:44:25,174
You yourself called the relationship
a "communion", and... um...

834
00:44:25,207 --> 00:44:28,844
When he was sent to France on
some extended job,

835
00:44:28,877 --> 00:44:31,413
you wrote a letter to somebody
where you said...

836
00:44:32,147 --> 00:44:36,051
"I am alone and solitary in the
house, having no companion.

837
00:44:36,085 --> 00:44:40,956
I have gone a'wooing to several gentlemen
but have not succeeded with any of them."

838
00:44:42,958 --> 00:44:43,826
Yes?

839
00:44:43,859 --> 00:44:46,295
"Gone a'wooing to several
gentlemen?"

840
00:44:46,328 --> 00:44:48,897
It is a figure of speech!

841
00:44:48,931 --> 00:44:51,200
And Andrew Jackson used to
call you "Miss Nancy"...

842
00:44:51,233 --> 00:44:53,836
Andrew Jackson was a stool!

843
00:44:53,869 --> 00:44:55,170
It's right here in the book.

844
00:44:55,204 --> 00:44:59,808
This friend of yours, this Meg...

845
00:44:59,842 --> 00:45:02,544
how long have the two of you
been cohabitating?

846
00:45:02,579 --> 00:45:03,979
In this house?

847
00:45:04,013 --> 00:45:07,483
- Just under a year, after my father went...
- No, no, no. Before that.

848
00:45:07,516 --> 00:45:08,517
A while.

849
00:45:08,550 --> 00:45:13,188
And is your relationship
of a prurient nature?

850
00:45:13,222 --> 00:45:17,960
- Okay, I get it.
- So whether these rumors were true or untrue is irrelevant!

851
00:45:17,993 --> 00:45:23,098
It was hell bent conjecture of the first
order and absolutely none of their business!

852
00:45:23,132 --> 00:45:25,200
Neither is it any of yours!

853
00:45:33,008 --> 00:45:35,511
Look, I don't know how I
can make it any clearer.

854
00:45:35,544 --> 00:45:38,180
For forty thousand dollars
you can get him back.

855
00:45:38,213 --> 00:45:42,217
Ma'am, I hear what you're saying,
but James Buchanan is in his grave.

856
00:45:42,251 --> 00:45:43,852
"A'moulderin", as they say.

857
00:45:43,886 --> 00:45:48,190
But he's not a'moulderin', as I've said,
because you guys never reburied him!

858
00:45:48,223 --> 00:45:49,626
He's still here in Arizona!

859
00:45:49,659 --> 00:45:51,860
You guys buried an empty coffin!

860
00:45:51,894 --> 00:45:53,329
We buried an empty coffin?

861
00:45:54,496 --> 00:45:56,365
Not my problem in any way...

862
00:45:56,398 --> 00:45:57,933
You could lose a national
treasure!

863
00:45:57,966 --> 00:46:00,469
Uh, no not a national treasure.

864
00:46:00,502 --> 00:46:02,438
That's very historically
inaccurate.

865
00:46:02,471 --> 00:46:06,208
<i>They did like a ten-part series
on the presidents on PBS.</i>

866
00:46:06,241 --> 00:46:08,344
Washington got 19 minutes.

867
00:46:08,377 --> 00:46:11,146
Buchanan was in a montage
after Polk.

868
00:46:11,180 --> 00:46:15,484
Well, I'm sorry he's been such a wart
on the community's ass, but he's...

869
00:46:15,517 --> 00:46:17,886
No, he's one of the state's
biggest embarrassments

870
00:46:17,920 --> 00:46:21,123
and we had Three Mile Island and
game six of the '93 World Series.

871
00:46:21,156 --> 00:46:26,195
I'm sympathetic to all this town history,
so how about we slash that ransom?

872
00:46:26,228 --> 00:46:28,631
Thirty thousand dollars.
One president, priced to move!

873
00:46:28,665 --> 00:46:32,234
Ma'am, ma'am, we're not in the
business of buying dead bodies!

874
00:46:32,267 --> 00:46:34,903
I don't even know what line it
would go under the town budget!

875
00:46:34,937 --> 00:46:36,572
And then we gotta dig up the
coffin again

876
00:46:36,606 --> 00:46:38,608
and then we gotta
deal with the backhoe guy again

877
00:46:38,641 --> 00:46:40,309
and the backhoe guy is a real
prick!

878
00:46:40,342 --> 00:46:41,611
It's your town history!

879
00:46:41,644 --> 00:46:43,946
You can't just ignore one
of your own, can you?

880
00:46:43,979 --> 00:46:45,013
We don't ignore him.

881
00:46:45,047 --> 00:46:47,149
We sell T-shirts of him at
the City Hall Gift Shop.

882
00:46:47,182 --> 00:46:48,651
We don't move a lot of them.

883
00:46:48,685 --> 00:46:51,120
I think we've sold one since
I've been here

884
00:46:51,153 --> 00:46:54,189
and that was to some hipster guy
who was buying it ironically.

885
00:46:54,223 --> 00:46:59,962
No, he's not really a National
Treasure, he's more of a Town Character.

886
00:46:59,995 --> 00:47:02,431
You guys have Town Characters
out there, right?

887
00:47:02,464 --> 00:47:05,501
"Town Character" what the
hell is a Town Character?

888
00:47:05,534 --> 00:47:07,569
Look, is your supervisor there?

889
00:47:07,604 --> 00:47:09,672
We're gonna need to speak
to a higher authority.

890
00:47:09,706 --> 00:47:13,275
No. Yes, she is here, and no,
she will not speak to you.

891
00:47:13,308 --> 00:47:16,278
After dealing with Mrs.
Warren and her doctor and her accountant,

892
00:47:16,311 --> 00:47:19,448
she specifically said I was not
to take any calls from Arizona.

893
00:47:19,481 --> 00:47:21,483
Then why the hell did
you pick up my call?

894
00:47:21,517 --> 00:47:22,619
I didn't want to be snooty.

895
00:47:22,652 --> 00:47:26,155
I mean, after all, this is
Lancaster County not York.

896
00:47:26,188 --> 00:47:27,990
Good luck selling your
corpse, ma'am.

897
00:47:33,262 --> 00:47:35,063
Hey, how'd it go?

898
00:47:35,097 --> 00:47:38,100
They seem to be as interested
in Buchanan as everybody else.

899
00:47:38,133 --> 00:47:39,535
Oh, shit.

900
00:47:39,568 --> 00:47:42,571
I need a break. I'm gonna run home
and get that paperwork for Crosby.

901
00:47:42,605 --> 00:47:45,574
I promised I'd bring it by
yesterday. Can you cover?

902
00:47:45,608 --> 00:47:46,709
It'll just be a long lunch.

903
00:47:46,743 --> 00:47:50,112
- It's not even ten o'clock...
- An early, long lunch?

904
00:47:50,145 --> 00:47:54,149
Sure. Just gotta prep the lunch
counter by myself again...

905
00:48:03,358 --> 00:48:04,226
Hey.

906
00:48:08,665 --> 00:48:12,267
Hey, did you see a yellow paper
that was here, folded in half?

907
00:48:12,301 --> 00:48:13,435
Wouldn't know.

908
00:48:14,737 --> 00:48:16,038
Is everything alright?

909
00:48:16,071 --> 00:48:17,973
Yeah, everything's fine.

910
00:48:19,475 --> 00:48:22,110
Are you sure?
You seem upset about something.

911
00:48:22,144 --> 00:48:24,346
Well, let's see.
What should I be most upset about?

912
00:48:24,379 --> 00:48:27,282
The beads all over
the kitchen floor?

913
00:48:27,316 --> 00:48:29,218
The missing yellow
piece of paper?

914
00:48:29,251 --> 00:48:32,254
Or the rotting, presidential
corpse in our garage?

915
00:48:32,287 --> 00:48:35,157
Oh... that's James Buchanan.

916
00:48:35,190 --> 00:48:37,493
Yeah, I know who he is. I
introduced you, remember?

917
00:48:38,293 --> 00:48:40,162
Listen, Holly I'm
really sorry...

918
00:48:40,195 --> 00:48:41,698
I could lose my job over this!

919
00:48:42,498 --> 00:48:44,299
Why the hell did you steal him?

920
00:48:44,333 --> 00:48:45,668
And why did you do
it behind my back?

921
00:48:45,702 --> 00:48:47,770
- It was to keep you safe.
- You should have told me!

922
00:48:47,804 --> 00:48:50,038
You would have just tried
to talk me out of it.

923
00:48:50,072 --> 00:48:53,610
Yeah, yeah, I would have but if
you were still dead-set on it,

924
00:48:55,244 --> 00:48:56,345
I could have helped!

925
00:48:57,312 --> 00:48:59,348
Ten months behind?

926
00:48:59,381 --> 00:49:01,517
What have you been doing
with the rent I paid?

927
00:49:01,550 --> 00:49:05,220
I was paying back Mr. Lacey from
that night I smashed his car.

928
00:49:05,254 --> 00:49:06,589
Ninety-five hundred dollars.

929
00:49:06,623 --> 00:49:08,725
Well, you said you had
insurance to cover that.

930
00:49:08,758 --> 00:49:11,126
I didn't have insurance
at the time.

931
00:49:11,159 --> 00:49:12,795
I thought I did, but I didn't.

932
00:49:12,829 --> 00:49:15,097
No way you did ninety-five
hundred in damage.

933
00:49:15,130 --> 00:49:16,532
I know!

934
00:49:16,565 --> 00:49:20,469
But it was either that or he would
press charges, he said, so...

935
00:49:20,502 --> 00:49:23,238
Besides, I'd already broken
probation that one time.

936
00:49:23,272 --> 00:49:24,641
It would have been bad.

937
00:49:24,674 --> 00:49:26,743
He'll be paid off in
three more months.

938
00:49:26,776 --> 00:49:28,845
So you were just planning
to let the house go?

939
00:49:28,878 --> 00:49:31,714
No. My dad has some life
insurance,

940
00:49:31,748 --> 00:49:35,618
not a lot, but enough to take care
of the back payments, even now.

941
00:49:36,719 --> 00:49:40,790
Stupid me, I figured when someone goes into
hospice with less than a month to live,

942
00:49:40,823 --> 00:49:42,558
they're not going to last
almost a year.

943
00:49:42,592 --> 00:49:45,360
If that makes me a vulture,
then I'm a vulture.

944
00:49:47,262 --> 00:49:48,230
What a morning...

945
00:49:49,264 --> 00:49:50,465
What are you gonna do?

946
00:49:50,499 --> 00:49:52,467
I'm going to get that
yellow paper for Crosby.

947
00:49:52,501 --> 00:49:54,871
No I mean what are you going to
do about President Buchanan?

948
00:49:54,904 --> 00:49:58,206
Well, I'm working my way down the list.
Eventually, someone will care.

949
00:49:58,240 --> 00:50:00,442
Well, supposedly he
was gay, right?

950
00:50:01,176 --> 00:50:05,547
So... First of all, Holly, this
"friend" of yours.

951
00:50:06,214 --> 00:50:08,851
- Is it Ruth here?
- No, it isn't.

952
00:50:08,885 --> 00:50:12,855
It's another friend. One who's
clearly troubled.

953
00:50:12,889 --> 00:50:15,357
Okay. Holly, you
know I love you.

954
00:50:15,390 --> 00:50:17,060
You were my favorite babysitter.

955
00:50:17,092 --> 00:50:21,496
And I do see the benefit of all the positive
publicity we'd get by returning his body.

956
00:50:22,464 --> 00:50:24,266
But it's still a money thing.

957
00:50:24,299 --> 00:50:27,704
We're not GLAAD or some
big LGBTQ organization.

958
00:50:27,737 --> 00:50:29,104
We're college students.

959
00:50:29,137 --> 00:50:33,175
And gay students are exactly like
straight students. We're broke.

960
00:50:33,208 --> 00:50:35,778
Okay, spitball with me here
for a second, Wyatt.

961
00:50:35,812 --> 00:50:39,916
Do you think GLAAD would see
Buchanan as a homosexual icon?

962
00:50:39,949 --> 00:50:42,919
Not like a Judy Garland-level
icon,

963
00:50:42,952 --> 00:50:46,789
but more of a second or a third-tier
Charles Nelson Reilly-type?

964
00:50:46,823 --> 00:50:48,123
Hmmm.

965
00:50:48,156 --> 00:50:51,426
A guy who sympathized with slave-owners...
and might not be gay?

966
00:50:52,227 --> 00:50:54,563
I don't think that's in line
with GLAAD's mission statement.

967
00:50:55,698 --> 00:50:58,166
So gays feel that,
as a president...

968
00:50:58,200 --> 00:51:00,268
...that he was the
shittiest one. Well...

969
00:51:00,970 --> 00:51:02,839
Another example of
our common ground.

970
00:51:05,942 --> 00:51:07,409
Oh please, dig in.

971
00:51:11,380 --> 00:51:12,314
Mmm.

972
00:51:13,315 --> 00:51:15,183
Oh. Thanks.

973
00:51:16,953 --> 00:51:18,888
How long have you been working
at this donut shop?

974
00:51:18,921 --> 00:51:20,657
- Two, three months?
- Four months.

975
00:51:21,356 --> 00:51:23,258
- Long stretch for me.
- Really?

976
00:51:23,291 --> 00:51:25,260
What's the longest you've
ever worked at one place?

977
00:51:25,293 --> 00:51:27,897
I worked at my dad's store on and off
for years all through high school.

978
00:51:27,930 --> 00:51:30,399
- Your dad owned a store?
- Yeah. It's still there.

979
00:51:30,432 --> 00:51:33,502
My dad's asshole partner screwed him over
and took the store a while back, but...

980
00:51:34,302 --> 00:51:36,371
It's out there in Mesa.
Utopia TV and Appliance.

981
00:51:36,405 --> 00:51:38,708
I know that place.
I bought a dishwasher there.

982
00:51:38,741 --> 00:51:40,509
Used to be called Ruth's
TV and Appliance.

983
00:51:41,376 --> 00:51:43,713
But I racked up a few
disappointments

984
00:51:43,746 --> 00:51:46,916
and my dad decided that my name wasn't
worthy of an appliance store, so...

985
00:51:46,949 --> 00:51:48,751
He renamed it "Utopia".

986
00:51:48,785 --> 00:51:52,989
Kept the "U" and the "T" from Ruth, saved some
money. So half of my name is still up there.

987
00:51:53,022 --> 00:51:55,357
And you can see the outline of
where the "R" used to be.

988
00:51:55,390 --> 00:51:56,693
That must have hurt.

989
00:51:56,726 --> 00:51:59,227
Nah, just an appliance store.

990
00:52:00,930 --> 00:52:04,533
You know, I watched a couple of
those ventriloquist videos of yours.

991
00:52:04,566 --> 00:52:06,703
And while I still think I'm
missing out on the joke,

992
00:52:07,937 --> 00:52:09,706
I really enjoyed your
cello-playing.

993
00:52:09,739 --> 00:52:11,373
Really nice.

994
00:52:11,406 --> 00:52:12,474
I'm pretty rusty, though.

995
00:52:12,507 --> 00:52:13,843
How long have you been playing?

996
00:52:13,876 --> 00:52:15,477
Since high school.

997
00:52:15,510 --> 00:52:19,649
Actually, I played violin in middle
school and the first chunk of high school.

998
00:52:20,549 --> 00:52:23,351
My dad wanted us to be musical.
Me and my brother, Brad.

999
00:52:23,385 --> 00:52:24,854
I didn't know you had a brother.

1000
00:52:24,887 --> 00:52:30,459
Yeah, so when he stopped
playing cello, I picked it up.

1001
00:52:30,492 --> 00:52:31,393
Switched over.

1002
00:52:32,527 --> 00:52:33,629
How come?

1003
00:52:33,663 --> 00:52:36,465
Oh, just got tired of playing
the melody all the time.

1004
00:52:46,374 --> 00:52:47,176
Ruth?

1005
00:52:47,210 --> 00:52:49,045
Hey, Trina what are
you doing here?

1006
00:52:49,078 --> 00:52:51,379
I know someone who works in the
building. How about you?

1007
00:52:51,413 --> 00:52:53,448
I was just seeing my
probation officer.

1008
00:52:53,482 --> 00:52:55,585
Oh, we're being honest.

1009
00:52:56,018 --> 00:52:58,855
I'm here to see my P.O.,
too. Have you got Crosby?

1010
00:52:58,888 --> 00:53:00,422
Yup, that's him.

1011
00:53:01,958 --> 00:53:06,528
Hey, Trina, just out of curiosity,
what exactly did you get in trouble for?

1012
00:53:06,561 --> 00:53:08,898
Me and a couple of others tried
to break into a house.

1013
00:53:08,931 --> 00:53:10,733
Cop lived across the street.

1014
00:53:10,767 --> 00:53:11,634
You?

1015
00:53:12,835 --> 00:53:16,906
A little theft, a little anger,
borrowed a car, you know.

1016
00:53:18,340 --> 00:53:19,041
Hey, um...

1017
00:53:19,876 --> 00:53:21,309
I got something pretty valuable

1018
00:53:21,343 --> 00:53:25,014
that I'm having a hard time finding
an interested party to... um...

1019
00:53:25,848 --> 00:53:27,784
So you're looking for a fence?

1020
00:53:27,817 --> 00:53:28,851
I guess so.

1021
00:53:28,885 --> 00:53:31,053
But it's kind of
a specialty item.

1022
00:53:32,054 --> 00:53:34,322
I know a guy. What do you got?

1023
00:53:35,057 --> 00:53:38,060
An agent to do your dirty work?

1024
00:53:39,427 --> 00:53:41,463
It will go no easier on you,
Miss Kiesling,

1025
00:53:41,496 --> 00:53:45,034
by adding delegation of personal
responsibility

1026
00:53:45,067 --> 00:53:47,536
to your list of
moral lapses.

1027
00:53:48,704 --> 00:53:51,774
I'm just trying to cover more
territory, J.B. It's called networking.

1028
00:53:53,142 --> 00:53:56,444
And in so doing, you have
crossed a troubling line.

1029
00:53:56,478 --> 00:53:57,980
What troubling line?

1030
00:53:58,014 --> 00:54:02,885
Your original proposal was to ask for
money in exchange for my safe return,

1031
00:54:02,919 --> 00:54:07,623
the end result being the peaceful
restoration of my eternal slumber.

1032
00:54:07,657 --> 00:54:12,595
And this required a nominal equality
of purpose from both parties, yes?

1033
00:54:13,528 --> 00:54:18,500
Now you're simply trying to sell me to anyone
who'll take this random object off your hands.

1034
00:54:18,533 --> 00:54:21,871
There no longer exists even
a pretense of concern.

1035
00:54:22,571 --> 00:54:28,010
In so doing, you have stepped out of the
protective shadow of your own rationalization.

1036
00:54:28,044 --> 00:54:30,112
I tried the other way first.

1037
00:54:30,146 --> 00:54:32,815
You're a really specific
commodity, dude!

1038
00:54:32,849 --> 00:54:35,017
What can I do? I've already
started down this path.

1039
00:54:35,051 --> 00:54:38,955
You knew it was a risky
path when you chose it.

1040
00:54:38,988 --> 00:54:42,992
But you knew it was irreversibly
perilous

1041
00:54:43,025 --> 00:54:45,127
the moment you spoke
to that woman in Washington.

1042
00:54:45,928 --> 00:54:47,495
Why do you persist?

1043
00:54:47,529 --> 00:54:48,831
I'm persistent.

1044
00:54:50,498 --> 00:54:52,802
An author I'm acquainted with
once wrote:

1045
00:54:52,835 --> 00:54:57,439
"Foolish consistency is the
hobgoblin of little minds."

1046
00:54:58,074 --> 00:55:01,543
- Have you ever heard this quotation?
- Yeah, I've heard it.

1047
00:55:01,577 --> 00:55:03,746
Have you ever considered
what it means?

1048
00:55:03,779 --> 00:55:07,549
Not really. I could never get
past the word "hobgoblin."

1049
00:55:15,925 --> 00:55:16,893
Hello?

1050
00:55:20,462 --> 00:55:22,430
- Surprised?
- Yeah.

1051
00:55:24,166 --> 00:55:26,869
- When Trina told me she knew a guy, I figured it would be...
- Someone less refined?

1052
00:55:26,903 --> 00:55:28,905
I know, I'm a difficult read.

1053
00:55:29,705 --> 00:55:32,174
Ruth, do you know what I thought
the very first time I saw you?

1054
00:55:32,208 --> 00:55:33,075
Yes.

1055
00:55:34,777 --> 00:55:36,178
I mean after that.

1056
00:55:36,212 --> 00:55:40,482
Before I ever heard you play a note,
I thought, "Here is an artist".

1057
00:55:41,217 --> 00:55:44,887
And an artistic life demands certain
sacrifices from the world at-large.

1058
00:55:44,921 --> 00:55:47,757
Certain social niceties might
have to fall by the wayside...

1059
00:55:47,790 --> 00:55:49,158
Hey I'm not a bad person.

1060
00:55:49,191 --> 00:55:52,895
- No, no, I was putting an ironic twist.
- I'm a fucking organ donor!

1061
00:55:53,629 --> 00:55:57,465
Ruth, I've heard stories
about your partying past.

1062
00:55:57,499 --> 00:55:59,501
Nobody wants those kidneys.

1063
00:55:59,534 --> 00:56:01,737
Well, I'm taking those
off the table.

1064
00:56:02,204 --> 00:56:04,040
I think I can move
your president.

1065
00:56:04,073 --> 00:56:05,741
My end is seventy percent.

1066
00:56:05,775 --> 00:56:06,676
Firm.

1067
00:56:07,710 --> 00:56:10,846
Well, the truth is, I don't
have him anymore.

1068
00:56:10,880 --> 00:56:12,748
Sold him this afternoon.

1069
00:56:12,782 --> 00:56:13,649
To whom?

1070
00:56:18,154 --> 00:56:20,189
Okay, keep it to yourself.

1071
00:56:20,222 --> 00:56:23,059
I just thought I might be able
to help a fellow artist.

1072
00:56:31,767 --> 00:56:34,837
Ahh, a student of history.

1073
00:56:35,570 --> 00:56:36,538
Not really.

1074
00:56:37,974 --> 00:56:41,043
I only know a handful of these guys,
the ones with the cool nicknames.

1075
00:56:42,144 --> 00:56:44,914
"Old Hickory," "Old Rough
and Ready," "Old...

1076
00:56:44,947 --> 00:56:48,718
...Scratch and Sniff".
It's been a while.

1077
00:56:49,919 --> 00:56:51,519
I don't think I know
your nickname.

1078
00:56:52,321 --> 00:56:54,890
"Old Public Functionary."

1079
00:56:55,992 --> 00:56:59,962
"Old Public Functionary"?
Jesus...

1080
00:57:00,763 --> 00:57:05,234
So the presidents themselves
weren't very important?

1081
00:57:05,267 --> 00:57:08,304
No. What's important to
me is what they stand on.

1082
00:57:08,337 --> 00:57:10,639
Ahh, their principles.

1083
00:57:10,673 --> 00:57:13,609
No, the wooden thing
that they stand on.

1084
00:57:14,243 --> 00:57:15,945
My brother made it in woodshop.

1085
00:57:15,978 --> 00:57:20,149
He got a "C" because he didn't do the joints
right and had to use a staple gun, but...

1086
00:57:20,182 --> 00:57:25,121
If the teacher had seen the original piece-of-shit
Styrofoam display thingy this replaced,

1087
00:57:25,154 --> 00:57:26,322
he would have gotten an "A."

1088
00:57:26,355 --> 00:57:30,726
That's not a metaphor for Mr.
Lincoln and myself, is it?

1089
00:57:30,760 --> 00:57:32,728
Nah, that's just woodshop.

1090
00:57:34,296 --> 00:57:38,134
Oh, look at this.

1091
00:57:38,934 --> 00:57:41,270
Sloppy craftsmanship.

1092
00:57:41,303 --> 00:57:42,638
I have no ears.

1093
00:57:42,671 --> 00:57:46,108
- I look like a...
- Like a maltreated strip of buckskin shoelace?

1094
00:57:47,610 --> 00:57:48,944
Is that a metaphor?

1095
00:57:48,978 --> 00:57:51,647
No, just a dick joke.

1096
00:57:54,850 --> 00:57:56,719
I'm gonna return your
corpse tomorrow.

1097
00:57:57,219 --> 00:57:58,187
No ransom.

1098
00:57:59,822 --> 00:58:00,723
Thank you.

1099
00:58:04,293 --> 00:58:06,295
What do you mean,
they "found him"?

1100
00:58:06,328 --> 00:58:07,897
Who found him? And where?

1101
00:58:07,930 --> 00:58:09,365
We promised we wouldn't tell.

1102
00:58:09,398 --> 00:58:12,768
We could only get the body back if
we swore we wouldn't say anything.

1103
00:58:12,802 --> 00:58:15,738
I wasn't for sure that he had
been taken, but I suspected.

1104
00:58:15,771 --> 00:58:19,075
After the truck left, I found
this on the floor...

1105
00:58:19,108 --> 00:58:20,843
About soiled my pants.

1106
00:58:20,876 --> 00:58:21,944
So who took him?

1107
00:58:21,977 --> 00:58:25,714
We're not at liberty to say
whether this person...

1108
00:58:25,748 --> 00:58:29,952
is a thief, or just... found the
body in the woods.

1109
00:58:29,985 --> 00:58:31,687
You have him here with
you, don't you?

1110
00:58:31,720 --> 00:58:32,822
Yeah.

1111
00:58:33,923 --> 00:58:35,891
Look, I can't help you!

1112
00:58:35,925 --> 00:58:39,662
I like you, Holly, and you two
seem like nice enough people.

1113
00:58:39,695 --> 00:58:41,097
But my job is on the line here!

1114
00:58:41,130 --> 00:58:44,133
Can't you just fly him back to
Pennsylvania anonymously or something?

1115
00:58:44,166 --> 00:58:48,904
As far as anyone who cares is concerned
Mr. Buchanan has already been shipped back...

1116
00:58:49,905 --> 00:58:51,740
You see this bill
of lading here?

1117
00:58:51,774 --> 00:58:55,778
It clearly shows that Mr. Buchanan
was shipped back on the twelfth.

1118
00:58:55,811 --> 00:58:59,748
Note that the weight listed here,
which was accurate on the eleventh,

1119
00:58:59,782 --> 00:59:03,752
is identical to the freight receipt
that I signed back on the sixth.

1120
00:59:03,786 --> 00:59:08,858
From a paperwork standpoint, Mr. Buchanan has
been shipped back to eternity in triplicate!

1121
00:59:08,891 --> 00:59:13,362
I'm not normally as touchy as this so it
pains me to say this: Ladies, please...

1122
00:59:13,395 --> 00:59:18,667
Take your douchebag president and remove
yourselves from my logistics cubicle.

1123
00:59:30,980 --> 00:59:33,015
We'll get you back underground
somehow.

1124
00:59:33,048 --> 00:59:34,150
I know.

1125
00:59:34,183 --> 00:59:35,918
You're persistent.

1126
00:59:37,419 --> 00:59:40,189
What will you do now
to obtain the money?

1127
00:59:41,056 --> 00:59:42,658
Just tell Dad.

1128
00:59:44,093 --> 00:59:46,262
I'm gonna tell my dad everything
after work, and let the chips fall.

1129
00:59:47,062 --> 00:59:51,200
Well, humility is a
fine virtue, yes?

1130
00:59:55,771 --> 00:59:58,207
Hey, I don't mean to
interrupt the flow.

1131
00:59:58,240 --> 01:00:00,910
I just thought I'd finally come
by and check this place out.

1132
01:00:00,943 --> 01:00:02,711
Hey, it's a free country.

1133
01:00:02,745 --> 01:00:05,181
Besides, I have something
I need to tell you.

1134
01:00:05,214 --> 01:00:06,949
You might even be proud of me.

1135
01:00:08,817 --> 01:00:10,152
Is this a joke?

1136
01:00:10,186 --> 01:00:11,887
Are you trying to prank me?

1137
01:00:11,921 --> 01:00:14,323
Please tell me this is just
some form of pranksmanship.

1138
01:00:14,356 --> 01:00:16,158
Okay, I know the first part was
bad,

1139
01:00:16,192 --> 01:00:19,161
but you understand I'm trying
to return him to Pennsylvania

1140
01:00:19,195 --> 01:00:20,729
for zero profit, right?

1141
01:00:20,763 --> 01:00:23,899
Okay, I'll grant you that part
is somewhat admirable.

1142
01:00:23,933 --> 01:00:26,001
But you stole a human being!

1143
01:00:26,035 --> 01:00:27,436
A dead one.

1144
01:00:27,469 --> 01:00:29,972
The rules are wildly different.

1145
01:00:30,005 --> 01:00:31,373
I've had this debate before.

1146
01:00:31,407 --> 01:00:33,909
But why would it even occur
to you to take him?

1147
01:00:33,943 --> 01:00:36,111
That's something a child does.

1148
01:00:36,145 --> 01:00:39,215
This is just like the time when you stole
that fancy car from that gas station...

1149
01:00:39,248 --> 01:00:41,150
I didn't steal that car!

1150
01:00:41,183 --> 01:00:44,320
That guy left it running.
It's just as much his fault as it is mine!

1151
01:00:44,353 --> 01:00:46,222
You're so much smarter
than this, Ruth.

1152
01:00:46,255 --> 01:00:48,791
But you just don't think
things through!

1153
01:00:48,824 --> 01:00:51,293
You're not listening!
I did think it through.

1154
01:00:51,327 --> 01:00:54,096
It might have started out as
impulsive, but cooler heads prevailed!

1155
01:00:54,129 --> 01:00:55,764
Cooler heads!

1156
01:00:56,432 --> 01:00:57,333
Hello?

1157
01:00:57,366 --> 01:00:58,968
I thought you'd be proud of me.

1158
01:00:59,001 --> 01:01:00,102
Proud...?

1159
01:01:00,135 --> 01:01:01,036
Ruth...

1160
01:01:03,505 --> 01:01:04,974
Yeah, proud.

1161
01:01:05,007 --> 01:01:06,842
I did the right thing
for a change.

1162
01:01:13,282 --> 01:01:14,149
Hello?

1163
01:01:19,054 --> 01:01:20,022
What's going on?

1164
01:01:21,156 --> 01:01:24,093
Oh. Just having a
little off-day.

1165
01:01:24,126 --> 01:01:26,428
What about the tests? You said
the doctors were amazed.

1166
01:01:26,462 --> 01:01:31,267
Well, there may have been a
little embroidery on my part.

1167
01:01:37,406 --> 01:01:38,907
It's not fair.

1168
01:01:39,609 --> 01:01:40,976
It never is.

1169
01:01:42,478 --> 01:01:44,413
Classic example:

1170
01:01:44,446 --> 01:01:46,282
You remember Jerry Fleming?

1171
01:01:46,315 --> 01:01:49,418
Jerry and his cousin go to
China.

1172
01:01:50,152 --> 01:01:53,255
Cousin gets eaten by a
panda.

1173
01:01:53,289 --> 01:01:56,525
It took Jerry years to
save for that trip!

1174
01:01:57,293 --> 01:01:58,327
A panda?

1175
01:01:58,360 --> 01:01:59,895
Well, they are bears, you know.

1176
01:01:59,928 --> 01:02:01,864
But I thought pandas
only ate bamboo.

1177
01:02:01,897 --> 01:02:03,432
Well, something must
have changed them.

1178
01:02:03,465 --> 01:02:08,170
Or maybe he was an iconoclast.
You never can tell about bears.

1179
01:02:10,607 --> 01:02:12,041
Why didn't you tell me?

1180
01:02:12,074 --> 01:02:13,610
I was already preparing myself.

1181
01:02:13,643 --> 01:02:16,512
Wait, why am I the bad guy here?

1182
01:02:17,212 --> 01:02:18,914
I'm the one dying.

1183
01:02:18,947 --> 01:02:21,817
Why do I have to make everyone
feel comfortable?

1184
01:02:22,318 --> 01:02:24,920
What the hell kind of a
send-off is that?

1185
01:02:25,554 --> 01:02:29,325
So I say a few magic words

1186
01:02:29,358 --> 01:02:33,962
and everybody leaves the room a
little happier than when they came in.

1187
01:02:33,996 --> 01:02:35,831
I mean, is that so bad?

1188
01:02:36,565 --> 01:02:38,601
It just makes it harder
when you go.

1189
01:02:38,635 --> 01:02:41,403
Well, that's too
bad. You'll live.

1190
01:02:46,576 --> 01:02:48,010
I don't actually have a kid.

1191
01:02:49,978 --> 01:02:51,046
I know.

1192
01:02:51,581 --> 01:02:52,649
You know?

1193
01:02:52,682 --> 01:02:55,484
I'm dying, but I'm not blind.

1194
01:02:56,285 --> 01:03:01,123
I mean... kids change but they
don't change in other kids.

1195
01:03:02,659 --> 01:03:04,226
Why didn't you say something?

1196
01:03:04,259 --> 01:03:10,065
Well, you seemed so happy that I passed
away knowing the good family name was...

1197
01:03:10,966 --> 01:03:15,104
It wasn't fair of me
to put that on you.

1198
01:03:16,105 --> 01:03:18,407
It was fun watching
you with that kid.

1199
01:03:19,475 --> 01:03:25,080
What was his name, the main
kid, was it "Kyle?"

1200
01:03:25,114 --> 01:03:26,148
Jeffrey.

1201
01:03:26,181 --> 01:03:27,483
He was a nice kid.

1202
01:03:28,651 --> 01:03:31,553
There's no Grant either,
I suppose.

1203
01:03:31,588 --> 01:03:32,454
No.

1204
01:03:33,288 --> 01:03:34,189
Just as well.

1205
01:03:35,224 --> 01:03:37,526
That little prick was
too good to be true.

1206
01:03:38,494 --> 01:03:41,497
Made the rest of us sound
like goddamn assholes.

1207
01:03:45,167 --> 01:03:46,201
There's more.

1208
01:03:46,736 --> 01:03:48,137
It's about the house...

1209
01:03:48,170 --> 01:03:50,005
If it's all the same to you,
Ruthie,

1210
01:03:51,006 --> 01:03:54,677
I'd like to leave all
the confessions right there.

1211
01:05:00,175 --> 01:05:03,011
Ah!
Jesus, Kiesling! What the hell?

1212
01:05:03,045 --> 01:05:04,246
I thought you were a burglar.

1213
01:05:04,279 --> 01:05:06,081
Somebody broke into
my bedroom window.

1214
01:05:06,114 --> 01:05:06,982
What?

1215
01:05:16,593 --> 01:05:19,729
You know, this oar would
make an awesome weapon.

1216
01:05:20,395 --> 01:05:22,564
Have to trim off the
flat part, though.

1217
01:05:23,633 --> 01:05:25,133
Then it would be a stick.

1218
01:05:25,167 --> 01:05:28,303
Still, make a great
new murder weapon.

1219
01:05:28,337 --> 01:05:30,372
Stick murder has been
around for years.

1220
01:05:32,441 --> 01:05:34,777
Well, if it was a burglar, I
kind of feel sorry for him.

1221
01:05:34,811 --> 01:05:36,378
Not much here to burgle.

1222
01:05:36,411 --> 01:05:37,312
Yeah.

1223
01:05:38,882 --> 01:05:42,652
The only things that are burgle-worthy
are your laptop and the Blu-Ray player.

1224
01:05:44,687 --> 01:05:45,788
Oh, shit...

1225
01:05:47,155 --> 01:05:50,425
Errol? That stupid
ventriloquist?

1226
01:05:50,459 --> 01:05:51,828
He's also kind of a criminal.

1227
01:05:51,861 --> 01:05:56,532
So you told Trina, and Trina told
Errol that Buchanan was for sale?

1228
01:05:57,332 --> 01:05:59,301
Yes, but I didn't sell him.

1229
01:05:59,334 --> 01:06:03,071
Wait, if Errol got Buchanan,
how was he gonna to get back to his grave?

1230
01:06:03,105 --> 01:06:05,374
I don't think that was
a part of Errol's plan.

1231
01:06:05,407 --> 01:06:07,010
I think he would
just resell him.

1232
01:06:07,042 --> 01:06:11,313
What about the whole millhouse-on-the-river
plan with the water going to the sea?

1233
01:06:11,346 --> 01:06:12,849
But I said, "No."

1234
01:06:12,882 --> 01:06:14,851
Yeah, but I'm a part of this, too!
Don't I get a vote?

1235
01:06:14,884 --> 01:06:16,318
I wasn't thinking.

1236
01:06:16,351 --> 01:06:17,152
No duh!

1237
01:06:17,185 --> 01:06:19,187
It was a shitty thing
to do, Ruth.

1238
01:06:27,730 --> 01:06:30,365
I should have never introduced
you to him in the first place.

1239
01:06:30,399 --> 01:06:32,167
I don't know why I'm
surprised it's Errol.

1240
01:06:32,200 --> 01:06:33,603
Typical Capricorn shit.

1241
01:06:33,636 --> 01:06:35,337
My ex was a Capricorn, too.

1242
01:06:35,370 --> 01:06:38,608
So was my cousin who watched my
bird one summer. Never fed it.

1243
01:06:38,641 --> 01:06:42,311
You know, except for Jesus, all
Capricorns are buttholes.

1244
01:06:42,344 --> 01:06:45,582
Hey, check this out.
Looks like there were three of them.

1245
01:06:45,615 --> 01:06:47,382
Those are probably our prints.

1246
01:06:47,416 --> 01:06:49,619
No, seriously then what is that?

1247
01:06:52,154 --> 01:06:53,555
Looks like a tiny little hand.

1248
01:06:54,591 --> 01:06:56,491
It's a dummy print.

1249
01:06:56,525 --> 01:06:58,226
Fucking ventriloquists!

1250
01:06:58,260 --> 01:06:59,762
"Dummy print?"
Is that even a term?

1251
01:07:00,529 --> 01:07:02,765
For a second there, I thought
the burglar was a Hobbit!

1252
01:07:02,799 --> 01:07:06,101
Wait not a Hobbit...
what am I thinking of, a midget. A midget!

1253
01:07:06,669 --> 01:07:07,870
Don't use the "M"-word.

1254
01:07:07,904 --> 01:07:10,907
- What?
- The "M"-word is like the "N"-word to little people.

1255
01:07:10,940 --> 01:07:12,675
There's no such
thing as "midgets."

1256
01:07:12,709 --> 01:07:14,611
"No such thing"? You're
thinking of Hobbits.

1257
01:07:14,644 --> 01:07:16,713
No, my cousin is
a little person.

1258
01:07:16,746 --> 01:07:20,382
Not quite a dwarf exactly, but he
had that thing that Gary Coleman had.

1259
01:07:20,415 --> 01:07:21,450
Bad management?

1260
01:07:21,483 --> 01:07:23,352
Okay, can we focus here, people?

1261
01:07:23,385 --> 01:07:25,688
Ventriloquists have stolen
our dead president.

1262
01:07:25,722 --> 01:07:27,422
What do we propose
to do about it?

1263
01:07:27,456 --> 01:07:29,926
Okay when's the next time
you're gonna see Errol?

1264
01:07:29,959 --> 01:07:31,293
Well, I was gonna see him
tomorrow

1265
01:07:31,326 --> 01:07:34,864
- at the Willie Tyler birthday luncheon at Sunny's but...
- Who?

1266
01:07:34,897 --> 01:07:36,866
You know, Willie
Tyler and Lester.

1267
01:07:36,899 --> 01:07:40,435
It's a pretty big deal on the
ventriloquial social calendar.

1268
01:07:40,469 --> 01:07:43,673
But Errol put me on
probation. Can't go.

1269
01:07:43,706 --> 01:07:45,574
You're on probation?
Why? Because of Buchanan?

1270
01:07:45,608 --> 01:07:47,442
I don't know.
He never tells you.

1271
01:07:47,476 --> 01:07:48,678
I got a text.

1272
01:07:48,711 --> 01:07:50,580
Well, let's just find out.

1273
01:07:50,613 --> 01:07:53,883
No, no, no! He'll just get angry, Seriously...

1274
01:07:53,916 --> 01:07:56,451
- Okay, don't answer!
- Hello?

1275
01:07:59,254 --> 01:08:01,858
<i>One can never be
certain of legacy.</i>

1276
01:08:02,625 --> 01:08:07,262
<i>You'd think that what one is remembered
for would be simple to gauge.</i>

1277
01:08:07,897 --> 01:08:10,833
<i>You and I both share the
unenviable position</i>

1278
01:08:10,867 --> 01:08:14,704
<i>of being the last branch on the
family tree but, strangely,</i>

1279
01:08:14,737 --> 01:08:18,473
<i>that doesn't seem to lessen the
importance of legacy.</i>

1280
01:08:19,474 --> 01:08:24,714
<i>My own would have been secured in a positive
light had I not stood as President.</i>

1281
01:08:25,682 --> 01:08:28,283
<i>As Secretary of State under
President Polk</i>

1282
01:08:28,316 --> 01:08:31,688
<i>I added over a million square
miles to this country.</i>

1283
01:08:31,721 --> 01:08:36,826
<i>This very piece of ground we're
on was secured under my watch...</i>

1284
01:08:36,859 --> 01:08:40,462
Few have served their government
with distinction

1285
01:08:40,495 --> 01:08:43,666
in more varied
capacity than I.

1286
01:08:44,867 --> 01:08:48,303
My pursuit of the office of
Chief Executive

1287
01:08:48,336 --> 01:08:53,810
was predicated solely on the
enormous expectations I'd nurtured.

1288
01:08:55,377 --> 01:08:58,715
And had it not been for the
secession of the South

1289
01:08:59,548 --> 01:09:02,752
which I was legally powerless to
stop, I...

1290
01:09:02,785 --> 01:09:06,254
That's not true.
You just... Sorry.

1291
01:09:07,857 --> 01:09:11,761
And so I was carried
one station too high.

1292
01:09:13,328 --> 01:09:16,599
The greater responsibility left
me a lesser man

1293
01:09:17,834 --> 01:09:20,837
because I gave
in to a sense of destiny.

1294
01:09:23,305 --> 01:09:24,640
Maybe that's everybody.

1295
01:09:25,975 --> 01:09:27,910
In high school, I was a
different person.

1296
01:09:28,678 --> 01:09:32,414
Good grades, bunch of friends,
decent attitude for a teenager.

1297
01:09:33,583 --> 01:09:34,951
And then Brad died.

1298
01:09:34,984 --> 01:09:36,786
And then my mom freaked out.

1299
01:09:38,888 --> 01:09:41,624
Everything went to shit and I
was powerless to stop it.

1300
01:09:42,491 --> 01:09:44,594
It felt like half my
life was ripped away.

1301
01:09:47,964 --> 01:09:53,401
If I could choose my legacy, I'd want
it to be for being that earlier girl.

1302
01:09:56,105 --> 01:09:58,908
It's like my dad putting my
name on that appliance store.

1303
01:09:59,809 --> 01:10:03,613
He couldn't hand me my legacy any more than
I could hand him his by getting knocked up.

1304
01:10:06,749 --> 01:10:09,619
Kinda feel like my destiny's
gotten away from me, too.

1305
01:10:17,026 --> 01:10:18,828
You doing okay, Ruth?

1306
01:10:18,861 --> 01:10:20,062
Yeah, I guess.

1307
01:10:20,096 --> 01:10:22,031
Want to go out, get some coffee?

1308
01:10:22,064 --> 01:10:24,466
Nah thanks, though.

1309
01:10:25,802 --> 01:10:29,005
Just need a little alone time.

1310
01:10:29,772 --> 01:10:33,375
Okay, we're out here
if you need anything.

1311
01:10:34,577 --> 01:10:35,578
Thanks.

1312
01:10:42,919 --> 01:10:46,889
It's going to break my heart to
see you go to prison over me.

1313
01:10:49,859 --> 01:10:50,726
Thanks.

1314
01:10:55,530 --> 01:10:56,899
I'm a little tired.

1315
01:11:02,038 --> 01:11:02,905
Me, too.

1316
01:11:05,641 --> 01:11:07,509
Just take as much time
as you need, Ruth.

1317
01:11:07,542 --> 01:11:09,645
Gunderson would have to be a
grade-A thunder stump

1318
01:11:09,679 --> 01:11:11,546
to complain about taking time
off now.

1319
01:11:12,048 --> 01:11:14,050
Just tell him it's
for bereavement.

1320
01:11:18,453 --> 01:11:19,722
"Vaginal bereavement?"

1321
01:11:23,893 --> 01:11:25,795
Ruth, what brings you here?

1322
01:11:25,828 --> 01:11:27,362
A couple of dead people.

1323
01:11:28,563 --> 01:11:30,099
Listen, I want to apologize for
yesterday

1324
01:11:30,132 --> 01:11:32,869
but I've got a credit card fraud
due here in five minutes, so...

1325
01:11:32,902 --> 01:11:34,337
He's gonna have to wait.
I need your help.

1326
01:11:34,369 --> 01:11:37,539
And don't get upset, there's gonna
be plenty of time for that later.

1327
01:11:39,842 --> 01:11:42,945
<i>The only surprising thing is what
he wanted me to do with his ashes...</i>

1328
01:11:43,713 --> 01:11:47,482
He wanted me to sprinkle some
on Brad's grave, and some on my mom's.

1329
01:11:48,084 --> 01:11:49,585
But then he also said...

1330
01:11:51,821 --> 01:11:54,857
"By means of an epoxy to apply a
portion of my ashes

1331
01:11:54,891 --> 01:11:57,459
to the
entire surface of a large rock

1332
01:11:57,492 --> 01:12:00,562
and hurl it through the front
window of Utopia TV and Appliance."

1333
01:12:02,131 --> 01:12:04,600
Didn't know you could put shit
like that in a legal document.

1334
01:12:06,568 --> 01:12:09,939
Thanks. And can you tell Holly thanks
again for calling those mortgage people?

1335
01:12:09,972 --> 01:12:11,073
That's a huge relief.

1336
01:12:12,642 --> 01:12:14,877
...okay, bye.

1337
01:12:32,995 --> 01:12:34,630
Errol wants to see you.

1338
01:12:34,664 --> 01:12:37,667
- Now? How come?
- He said you'd know.

1339
01:12:37,700 --> 01:12:40,703
- Besides, it's Willie Tyler's birthday.
- And Lester.

1340
01:12:40,736 --> 01:12:43,471
Yeah, I know.
What if I refuse?

1341
01:12:43,505 --> 01:12:44,674
You gonna force me?

1342
01:12:44,707 --> 01:12:46,208
Well, that all depends.

1343
01:12:46,242 --> 01:12:47,610
Depends on what?

1344
01:12:47,643 --> 01:12:48,644
It depends on...

1345
01:12:50,179 --> 01:12:53,582
What I mean is, we can
do this the hard way...

1346
01:12:53,616 --> 01:12:54,951
...or the easy way.

1347
01:12:55,851 --> 01:12:57,853
So which way is it going
to be, cellist?

1348
01:12:57,887 --> 01:12:58,888
The easy way or the hard...

1349
01:12:58,921 --> 01:13:02,058
Okay. I remember the two
choices, muttonchops.

1350
01:13:08,164 --> 01:13:11,233
Well, Ruth, so glad
you could make it.

1351
01:13:12,034 --> 01:13:15,104
I understand that you have
recently acquired a vintage figure.

1352
01:13:15,137 --> 01:13:16,706
I did indeed.

1353
01:13:17,173 --> 01:13:18,274
It's in pretty rough shape.

1354
01:13:18,307 --> 01:13:21,243
I happen to know the original
owner of that figure.

1355
01:13:21,277 --> 01:13:24,613
If you were smart, you would
return him right now.

1356
01:13:24,647 --> 01:13:26,082
It's very valuable.

1357
01:13:26,115 --> 01:13:28,651
I don't think I could
let it go so easily.

1358
01:13:28,684 --> 01:13:30,953
In fact, I may have found an
interested buyer,

1359
01:13:31,687 --> 01:13:34,090
something you were having
trouble doing, I understand.

1360
01:13:34,123 --> 01:13:35,124
He's not for sale.

1361
01:13:35,157 --> 01:13:36,926
To anyone.

1362
01:13:36,959 --> 01:13:40,763
I know you can be trusted to keep quiet about
Mr. Buchanan purely out of self-preservation.

1363
01:13:41,230 --> 01:13:47,003
But in order to heal this rift between
us, I'm willing to offer an olive branch:

1364
01:13:47,670 --> 01:13:49,905
You can retain your position in
the videos

1365
01:13:49,939 --> 01:13:53,175
and your roommate's probation is lifted
and she can rejoin the consortium.

1366
01:13:54,076 --> 01:13:55,845
And what would you want
from me in return?

1367
01:13:55,878 --> 01:13:57,980
Forget about Mr. Buchanan.

1368
01:13:58,014 --> 01:13:59,982
And play the damn cello.

1369
01:14:00,683 --> 01:14:02,284
And what if I don't
go along with that?

1370
01:14:03,652 --> 01:14:04,920
Then the chairs are
on the table.

1371
01:14:04,954 --> 01:14:06,856
What the hell's that
supposed to mean?

1372
01:14:06,889 --> 01:14:09,091
It means the chairs
are on the table.

1373
01:14:13,029 --> 01:14:14,864
Give me that fucking president!

1374
01:14:16,165 --> 01:14:17,565
Is everything okay?

1375
01:14:19,168 --> 01:14:21,003
Some water when you
get a chance?

1376
01:14:34,683 --> 01:14:36,252
Fucking ventriloquists!

1377
01:14:40,356 --> 01:14:41,657
Listen, Ruth.

1378
01:14:41,690 --> 01:14:43,626
You don't want to
mess with Errol.

1379
01:14:43,659 --> 01:14:48,097
Occasionally, he's a decent
guy, but he's amoral.

1380
01:14:48,130 --> 01:14:49,564
You know what amoral
means, right?

1381
01:14:50,266 --> 01:14:52,368
Of course I know what
amoral means!

1382
01:14:52,401 --> 01:14:54,804
Sorry. Don't jump
down my throat.

1383
01:14:54,837 --> 01:14:56,205
We don't talk much.

1384
01:14:56,238 --> 01:14:59,608
And you're a 40-year-old grave-robber
that works in a donut shop.

1385
01:14:59,642 --> 01:15:01,677
How am I supposed to know
you're not a simpleton?

1386
01:15:02,645 --> 01:15:03,879
I didn't mean to snap.

1387
01:15:03,913 --> 01:15:08,084
And I hate to judge, but he's
not even a good ventriloquist.

1388
01:15:08,117 --> 01:15:09,685
Then why do you all follow him?

1389
01:15:09,718 --> 01:15:11,854
Probably the same reason you do:

1390
01:15:11,887 --> 01:15:16,292
He makes us feel talented or at least
like we're not wasting our time.

1391
01:15:16,325 --> 01:15:18,894
But that does not mean
he's not dangerous.

1392
01:15:18,928 --> 01:15:20,463
Here's how I see it:

1393
01:15:20,496 --> 01:15:24,300
Errol's the type of guy you go to lunch
with and he's gonna ask for your pickle.

1394
01:15:24,333 --> 01:15:27,970
And whether or not you have a pickle,
he's gonna get a pickle out of you.

1395
01:15:28,871 --> 01:15:30,706
But it won't always
be like that.

1396
01:15:30,739 --> 01:15:32,174
Things have already
started buckling.

1397
01:15:32,208 --> 01:15:35,077
If you keep your eye on
it, you'll see it, too.

1398
01:15:37,313 --> 01:15:38,948
Not sure I got the
pickle thing...

1399
01:15:52,361 --> 01:15:53,362
That's our guy.

1400
01:16:02,204 --> 01:16:03,272
Gunderson Donuts...

1401
01:16:03,305 --> 01:16:05,107
- <i>Ruth?</i>
- Yeah who's this?

1402
01:16:09,044 --> 01:16:10,813
- Who's that?
- No idea.

1403
01:16:14,016 --> 01:16:14,984
How'd I get him?

1404
01:16:16,118 --> 01:16:16,986
I can't say.

1405
01:16:18,020 --> 01:16:19,388
I'm really a rather
forgetful fellow.

1406
01:16:20,489 --> 01:16:21,924
It's a quality I hope
you can appreciate.

1407
01:16:28,230 --> 01:16:30,966
The fifteenth president of
these United States.

1408
01:16:31,000 --> 01:16:32,701
The bubble wrap is not period.

1409
01:16:32,735 --> 01:16:34,069
Forgive the condition.

1410
01:16:34,103 --> 01:16:36,138
Southern secession took
its toll on him.

1411
01:16:37,273 --> 01:16:39,074
Trina said you'd bring cash.

1412
01:16:39,108 --> 01:16:42,945
As you can see, the goods are
exactly as promised, so...

1413
01:16:43,979 --> 01:16:45,247
Shit.

1414
01:16:45,281 --> 01:16:46,682
Do me a favor, folks.

1415
01:16:46,715 --> 01:16:50,986
Look into my dash-cam and say hello
to my friends in Washington, DC.

1416
01:16:51,020 --> 01:16:54,890
Well, don't get discouraged.
I'm willing to work with you three.

1417
01:16:54,924 --> 01:16:56,859
It's not you that I'm after.

1418
01:16:56,892 --> 01:16:59,962
Sorry, sir, but we won't say a
word without an attorney present.

1419
01:16:59,995 --> 01:17:01,096
Ruth Kiesling.

1420
01:17:10,105 --> 01:17:11,373
You want to go ahead?

1421
01:17:11,407 --> 01:17:13,209
No, you were here first.
You go ahead.

1422
01:17:13,242 --> 01:17:15,144
You look to be in a hurry.

1423
01:17:16,011 --> 01:17:17,012
Thank you, sir...

1424
01:17:18,314 --> 01:17:20,049
Are you Ruth Kiesling?

1425
01:17:20,082 --> 01:17:21,317
Well, yes. Yes, I am.

1426
01:17:21,350 --> 01:17:23,385
Where can we talk privately?

1427
01:17:24,053 --> 01:17:26,422
- You ratted me out?
- And guess what?

1428
01:17:27,089 --> 01:17:29,024
You're not gonna get
a dime from this.

1429
01:17:29,058 --> 01:17:31,227
He's not gonna get
a dime from this.

1430
01:17:31,260 --> 01:17:32,895
And the best part?

1431
01:17:32,928 --> 01:17:35,998
Both of you could be going
away for a very long time.

1432
01:17:36,031 --> 01:17:38,033
- I want to see a lawyer.
- Lawyer, huh?

1433
01:17:38,834 --> 01:17:41,103
What are you, some kind
of a tough guy?

1434
01:17:41,136 --> 01:17:42,104
No, I'm not.

1435
01:17:42,137 --> 01:17:43,973
Or maybe you just want a donut.

1436
01:17:44,506 --> 01:17:46,175
- Is that it?
- What?

1437
01:17:46,208 --> 01:17:47,276
Here's your donut!

1438
01:17:49,211 --> 01:17:51,247
How do you like that,
tough guy?

1439
01:17:51,280 --> 01:17:52,982
That was pretty good.

1440
01:17:53,482 --> 01:17:55,985
Now, we can bring the lawyers
in here and play it like that.

1441
01:17:56,518 --> 01:17:59,288
Or there might be a way for the
two of you to walk away from this.

1442
01:17:59,321 --> 01:18:01,423
You already said I could
walk if I gave up Ruth!

1443
01:18:01,457 --> 01:18:02,791
Shut up, Errol.

1444
01:18:02,825 --> 01:18:05,461
I'm just saying, as a trust-builder,
he sets a lousy precedent.

1445
01:18:05,494 --> 01:18:08,030
- Do you want to hear the deal?
- Yeah, I wanna hear the deal...

1446
01:18:08,063 --> 01:18:10,299
- Or do you want another donut?
- No, I'm fine.

1447
01:18:10,332 --> 01:18:13,102
He doesn't want another donut, sir.
We want to hear the deal.

1448
01:18:13,135 --> 01:18:14,370
Oh, now you want
to hear the deal?

1449
01:18:14,403 --> 01:18:16,572
I think we all want
to hear the deal.

1450
01:18:16,606 --> 01:18:17,973
Someone here to see you, Ruth.

1451
01:18:18,007 --> 01:18:22,144
I'm Detective Hostetler,
County Sheriff's Office assisting the FBI.

1452
01:18:22,177 --> 01:18:23,412
You local PD?

1453
01:18:23,445 --> 01:18:26,015
Yeah I've got everything
under control, sir.

1454
01:18:26,048 --> 01:18:27,449
May I see your badge, please?

1455
01:18:33,522 --> 01:18:35,357
So you're from the County
Sheriff's Office?

1456
01:18:35,391 --> 01:18:37,293
Isn't this kinda out
of your jurisdiction?

1457
01:18:37,326 --> 01:18:38,794
You're a probation officer?

1458
01:18:39,928 --> 01:18:42,231
Wait! Probation officer?

1459
01:18:43,065 --> 01:18:46,468
What's a probation officer doing
handcuffing people in a pastry shop?

1460
01:18:47,236 --> 01:18:50,139
It's complicated.

1461
01:18:50,172 --> 01:18:52,508
Excuse me, miss. I'll be eating
two of these donuts here.

1462
01:18:52,541 --> 01:18:56,145
- What do I owe you?
- No charge, those are irregulars.

1463
01:18:56,979 --> 01:18:59,048
You're not taking them
to jail, are you?

1464
01:18:59,081 --> 01:19:00,416
Seems likely.

1465
01:19:00,449 --> 01:19:03,385
But Ruth has to stay and run the
counter during the lunch rush.

1466
01:19:03,419 --> 01:19:06,455
Our boss will get very upset if
she leaves during her shift.

1467
01:19:06,488 --> 01:19:09,291
If your boss gets upset,
have him call my boss.

1468
01:19:13,329 --> 01:19:17,199
Okay, who knows the name of the guy who
was the president just before Lincoln?

1469
01:19:17,966 --> 01:19:21,070
Yeah, she's here... yeah,
we're heading out.

1470
01:19:21,671 --> 01:19:24,173
Yeah, there's two more of
them... yeah, three...

1471
01:19:25,341 --> 01:19:26,241
No?

1472
01:19:26,275 --> 01:19:27,644
Nobody knows his name?

1473
01:19:27,677 --> 01:19:31,146
Well, my boss knows his name and
she'd like to talk to you about him.

1474
01:19:39,088 --> 01:19:40,489
Let me tell you a story...

1475
01:19:41,290 --> 01:19:45,160
Let's start with
extortion, and definitely theft.

1476
01:19:45,194 --> 01:19:47,029
Probably breaking and entering.

1477
01:19:47,062 --> 01:19:50,399
Perhaps vandalism or desecration
of a national monument.

1478
01:19:50,432 --> 01:19:52,968
Definitely possession
of stolen goods.

1479
01:19:53,001 --> 01:19:57,239
And with the various emails and phone
calls, I don't like your chances.

1480
01:19:58,107 --> 01:20:02,044
Your best chance, now your
only chance is going to...

1481
01:20:02,077 --> 01:20:04,146
"Happy birthday to..."

1482
01:20:04,179 --> 01:20:07,082
- Wrong room, people!
- It's room three, guys!

1483
01:20:13,522 --> 01:20:18,360
Let's get some preliminary facts on
the table: Where is the body now?

1484
01:20:20,429 --> 01:20:23,232
I don't get the story.
I'm not a magician.

1485
01:20:24,199 --> 01:20:25,267
Then what are you?

1486
01:20:26,068 --> 01:20:27,704
A donut store employee? Female?

1487
01:20:27,737 --> 01:20:33,075
No, who are you? How do people see you?
What do they expect of you?

1488
01:20:33,643 --> 01:20:35,645
Idiot... disappointment...

1489
01:20:36,979 --> 01:20:40,382
Untrustworthy.... a liar...

1490
01:20:43,285 --> 01:20:46,288
Ruth, where's the body?

1491
01:20:47,322 --> 01:20:48,357
Pennsylvania.

1492
01:20:49,091 --> 01:20:50,192
Excuse me?

1493
01:20:50,225 --> 01:20:52,394
Oh, I never had the
body, Ms. Jarvis.

1494
01:20:52,428 --> 01:20:55,130
I heard he'd been shipped here,
and I just made up all the rest.

1495
01:20:55,164 --> 01:20:57,099
And what about the emails,
the phone calls?

1496
01:20:57,132 --> 01:20:59,568
I was just hoping to find somebody
stupid enough to believe me,

1497
01:20:59,602 --> 01:21:04,139
but everybody checked into it and found
out that he was reburied, so no sale.

1498
01:21:04,173 --> 01:21:05,340
And you don't have the body?

1499
01:21:05,374 --> 01:21:09,044
No, ma'am. I'm just
a liar. Ask anyone.

1500
01:21:13,549 --> 01:21:16,485
So, wait, that's
it? "I'm a liar"?

1501
01:21:16,518 --> 01:21:18,020
That's the lesson
from the story?

1502
01:21:18,053 --> 01:21:19,021
Sure.

1503
01:21:19,054 --> 01:21:21,123
I thought it would be
way bigger than that.

1504
01:21:21,156 --> 01:21:25,728
It's bigger than you think, Miss Kiesling.
It's your reputation.

1505
01:21:25,762 --> 01:21:27,730
Well, it's not a very
positive lesson.

1506
01:21:27,764 --> 01:21:30,499
Well, it wasn't a very
positive story.

1507
01:21:30,532 --> 01:21:34,436
The magician cut that poor woman
in half. Were you not listening?

1508
01:21:34,470 --> 01:21:37,372
Story or no story, I was
definitely gonna lie anyway!

1509
01:21:37,406 --> 01:21:42,612
But at least you were honest in
assessing your own reputation.

1510
01:21:42,645 --> 01:21:44,179
It's important to know.

1511
01:21:44,213 --> 01:21:46,583
But I lied when I
said I was lying!

1512
01:21:46,616 --> 01:21:49,218
Well... you're a liar.

1513
01:21:50,285 --> 01:21:53,188
Errol.
Tell me about the body.

1514
01:21:54,423 --> 01:21:56,291
I don't know anything
about a body.

1515
01:21:56,325 --> 01:21:59,662
Hostetler says he overheard Mr.
Crosby offering you a deal

1516
01:21:59,696 --> 01:22:02,130
and threatening to force-feed
you donuts.

1517
01:22:02,164 --> 01:22:03,298
I don't recall any donuts.

1518
01:22:03,332 --> 01:22:05,234
I can request a stool
sample kit...

1519
01:22:05,267 --> 01:22:06,468
He did feed me one donut.

1520
01:22:06,502 --> 01:22:09,338
And you don't know anything
about President Buchanan's body?

1521
01:22:09,371 --> 01:22:11,039
No, nothing.

1522
01:22:11,073 --> 01:22:13,275
For the record, I'm completely
unaware

1523
01:22:13,308 --> 01:22:18,413
of Ms. Kiesling's guilt or innocence
here but I will agree she is a liar.

1524
01:22:20,215 --> 01:22:21,651
Mr. Crosby...

1525
01:22:22,384 --> 01:22:24,821
Your employee evaluation
is first-rate.

1526
01:22:24,854 --> 01:22:28,791
And yet, we find you
impersonating an officer;

1527
01:22:29,491 --> 01:22:32,528
forcibly feeding donuts to a
puppeteer;

1528
01:22:32,561 --> 01:22:36,265
and handcuffing a
body-snatcher to a bakery shelf

1529
01:22:36,298 --> 01:22:41,169
a full two weeks after she completed
probation under your guidance.

1530
01:22:42,304 --> 01:22:44,841
I was trying to help Ms.
Kiesling get her life back on track, ma'am.

1531
01:22:44,874 --> 01:22:47,109
And you're prepared to throw
away your career

1532
01:22:47,142 --> 01:22:49,779
for a compulsive liar and an
asshole puppeteer?

1533
01:22:49,812 --> 01:22:51,446
Please: "Ventriloquist."

1534
01:22:51,480 --> 01:22:56,451
So tell me: How much of this grave-robbing episode is true?

1535
01:22:56,485 --> 01:22:57,720
Captain, can I see
you for a minute?

1536
01:23:00,422 --> 01:23:03,292
I'd advise you all not to
speak while I'm gone.

1537
01:23:03,325 --> 01:23:05,060
No talking.

1538
01:23:10,532 --> 01:23:11,567
Two weeks?

1539
01:23:11,601 --> 01:23:12,769
No talking.

1540
01:23:12,802 --> 01:23:15,537
I finished two weeks ago?

1541
01:23:15,571 --> 01:23:17,506
I thought I had until
the end of October!

1542
01:23:17,539 --> 01:23:19,508
Why the hell didn't
you say anything?

1543
01:23:20,777 --> 01:23:22,544
I'm so happy for you both.

1544
01:23:22,579 --> 01:23:23,780
No talking.

1545
01:23:28,517 --> 01:23:29,886
Sit down, Ruth...

1546
01:23:29,919 --> 01:23:33,121
I'm afraid it's all
for naught, Miss Kiesling.

1547
01:23:33,155 --> 01:23:37,259
Mr. Crosby is still duty-bound
to tell what he knows.

1548
01:23:37,292 --> 01:23:40,630
And I'm afraid they'll have no
choice but to prosecute.

1549
01:23:40,663 --> 01:23:45,334
Maybe I could say something at
least get the others off the hook.

1550
01:23:45,367 --> 01:23:46,535
It's a thought.

1551
01:23:47,637 --> 01:23:49,338
- Hey, maybe I could say...
- No talking.

1552
01:23:52,709 --> 01:23:56,511
I'm very confident that with the
proper level of resource deployment

1553
01:23:56,545 --> 01:24:00,583
we can very quickly gather the evidence
necessary for criminal prosecution.

1554
01:24:00,617 --> 01:24:06,221
But part of my job is to deploy
resources wherever priorities dictate.

1555
01:24:06,254 --> 01:24:10,392
And I can't help but feel I'm
wasting my time with this thing.

1556
01:24:11,259 --> 01:24:15,230
If this was another president,
you might be looking at federal prison.

1557
01:24:15,263 --> 01:24:18,467
Lucky for you, you chose
the shittiest one.

1558
01:24:20,502 --> 01:24:21,436
Well...

1559
01:24:22,905 --> 01:24:24,907
But if any of this resurfaces

1560
01:24:24,941 --> 01:24:29,746
and risks making the County look negligent
in any way, we'll crash down on you.

1561
01:24:30,445 --> 01:24:31,581
Is that understood?

1562
01:24:31,614 --> 01:24:33,348
Yes, ma'am...

1563
01:24:33,382 --> 01:24:35,652
- Thank you, Ms. Jarvis.
- Are there any questions?

1564
01:24:35,685 --> 01:24:38,387
Did you lose that ear?
There's no bump there.

1565
01:24:39,589 --> 01:24:41,658
That's none of your
goddamn business.

1566
01:24:44,694 --> 01:24:46,663
They never really wanted to
prosecute, you know.

1567
01:24:46,696 --> 01:24:49,732
They just wanted this whole
thing to just go away.

1568
01:24:49,766 --> 01:24:52,935
You've seen those police
procedural shows on TV?

1569
01:24:52,969 --> 01:24:55,738
First thing they do is put
everyone in separate rooms.

1570
01:24:56,471 --> 01:24:57,874
They wanted us to lie.

1571
01:24:57,907 --> 01:24:59,809
So, what do we do
with Buchanan now?

1572
01:24:59,842 --> 01:25:01,778
Can't send him back
to Pennsylvania.

1573
01:25:01,811 --> 01:25:03,846
Maybe we can bury him
here somewhere.

1574
01:25:05,648 --> 01:25:08,685
He took most of Arizona when he was Secretary
of State with the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo.

1575
01:25:08,718 --> 01:25:09,852
Bury him where?

1576
01:25:09,886 --> 01:25:11,486
Your dad's back yard?

1577
01:25:11,520 --> 01:25:12,855
Yeah nothing creepy about that.

1578
01:25:12,889 --> 01:25:15,692
Well, my family has some land
up north near Prescott.

1579
01:25:15,725 --> 01:25:19,494
It's kinda got pines around there,
so I guess it's kinda like Pennsylvania.

1580
01:25:19,528 --> 01:25:21,229
Not even a couple of
hours from here.

1581
01:25:21,263 --> 01:25:22,699
That'd be nice. Thanks.

1582
01:25:22,732 --> 01:25:23,532
Yeah.

1583
01:25:23,565 --> 01:25:26,301
Look, I've gotta
get back to work.

1584
01:25:26,334 --> 01:25:27,737
I'll take you back to your truck

1585
01:25:27,770 --> 01:25:30,305
but you're gonna have to do this
body-snatcher jamboree without me.

1586
01:25:31,506 --> 01:25:33,609
Thanks, Gretchen.

1587
01:25:35,912 --> 01:25:38,346
You sure you don't want me to
get changed for the funeral?

1588
01:25:38,380 --> 01:25:41,818
I mean, you look great,
all of you do...

1589
01:25:41,851 --> 01:25:43,586
No, you look fine.

1590
01:25:43,619 --> 01:25:45,655
This is just my "Drang
und Sturm" dress.

1591
01:25:45,688 --> 01:25:47,590
It's probably not appropriate
for a funeral.

1592
01:25:48,390 --> 01:25:50,525
Oh, hey, you never told me about
Trina.

1593
01:25:50,559 --> 01:25:53,495
She didn't kick and scream about telling
Errol she found a buyer, did she?

1594
01:25:53,528 --> 01:25:54,731
For setting him up?

1595
01:25:54,764 --> 01:25:56,398
Not at all.

1596
01:25:56,431 --> 01:25:59,802
You know, he pushed her into taking the
rap for one of his burglaries last summer.

1597
01:25:59,836 --> 01:26:02,504
We found you a big sweater.
Should fit you fine.

1598
01:26:03,472 --> 01:26:04,907
Got some other stuff here, too.

1599
01:26:04,941 --> 01:26:07,677
Shouldn't be that cold,
but... I'll be fine.

1600
01:26:07,710 --> 01:26:09,679
Oh I almost forgot
the grave-scotch!

1601
01:26:16,085 --> 01:26:18,487
I tried to get you back
to Pennsylvania.

1602
01:26:18,520 --> 01:26:19,622
Really.

1603
01:26:20,388 --> 01:26:21,256
I know.

1604
01:26:22,557 --> 01:26:24,426
That magician story.
Was it true?

1605
01:26:26,028 --> 01:26:27,362
Well,

1606
01:26:28,097 --> 01:26:32,400
I was in Paris in 1855.

1607
01:26:32,434 --> 01:26:35,004
I did attend the theater.

1608
01:26:35,705 --> 01:26:39,041
I have seen a magician
perform this illusion.

1609
01:26:39,709 --> 01:26:44,847
And quite famously a stage performer
did do away with his mistress.

1610
01:26:45,782 --> 01:26:47,884
There are four truths
right there.

1611
01:26:50,887 --> 01:26:53,923
Ah, you finished that
book, didn't you?

1612
01:26:57,026 --> 01:27:00,897
And I assume it concluded

1613
01:27:01,731 --> 01:27:05,500
I was one of our country's worst
presidents.

1614
01:27:05,534 --> 01:27:06,669
The worst.

1615
01:27:07,103 --> 01:27:09,005
They've done these polls for
decades.

1616
01:27:09,038 --> 01:27:13,876
Historians, scholars,
politicians; they all seem to agree.

1617
01:27:14,844 --> 01:27:19,649
It doesn't mean you're a bad person,
just that you were a shitty president.

1618
01:27:19,682 --> 01:27:24,954
Well, I admit those claims
aren't entirely groundless.

1619
01:27:26,022 --> 01:27:29,025
But when my term ended,

1620
01:27:29,725 --> 01:27:34,496
and the fruits of my "leadership"
blossomed full-flower

1621
01:27:35,064 --> 01:27:37,667
into the splintering
of the Union,

1622
01:27:38,835 --> 01:27:43,505
I sadly did not
submit my questionable actions

1623
01:27:43,940 --> 01:27:46,876
to the level of analytic
scrutiny I would have applied

1624
01:27:46,909 --> 01:27:52,547
to even a minor case as a law
clerk back in Lancaster.

1625
01:27:53,883 --> 01:27:57,887
No, instead I spent the
remaining years of my life

1626
01:27:57,920 --> 01:28:00,590
defending those decisions.

1627
01:28:00,623 --> 01:28:02,024
My point is:

1628
01:28:02,058 --> 01:28:06,796
Nothing productive
came of this posture

1629
01:28:06,829 --> 01:28:11,634
and it was
those parts of my reputation

1630
01:28:11,667 --> 01:28:13,769
that calcified into legacy.

1631
01:28:13,803 --> 01:28:19,141
I mean, I'm not that scowling
troglodyte you see in my photographs!

1632
01:28:19,175 --> 01:28:23,112
I, like you, was once considered
a hail-fellow-well-met!

1633
01:28:23,779 --> 01:28:26,115
I charmed the Czar of Russia!

1634
01:28:26,148 --> 01:28:28,951
Can you imagine how
difficult that was?

1635
01:28:28,985 --> 01:28:30,586
The czar was kind of a douche?

1636
01:28:30,620 --> 01:28:32,755
Staggeringly so!

1637
01:28:34,624 --> 01:28:39,461
And it is unconscionable to define a
man strictly on his lowest moments.

1638
01:28:40,162 --> 01:28:42,965
But mine occurred so close to
the end of my life

1639
01:28:42,999 --> 01:28:46,636
and that they
affected every single American

1640
01:28:47,603 --> 01:28:53,508
made it infinitely more difficult
to right the ship on my own behalf.

1641
01:28:56,746 --> 01:29:00,983
But not everyone is subject
to such forces.

1642
01:29:02,484 --> 01:29:03,485
I guess not.

1643
01:29:05,788 --> 01:29:08,523
Look, they reevaluate
presidents all the time.

1644
01:29:10,192 --> 01:29:13,461
When somebody does come along
that rates worse than you,

1645
01:29:13,495 --> 01:29:16,065
which will probably happen
sooner rather than later,

1646
01:29:16,098 --> 01:29:19,769
it doesn't mean you'll be any better,
just that somebody else will be worse.

1647
01:29:19,802 --> 01:29:22,805
And that's not exactly the goal
that we're reaching for.

1648
01:29:24,707 --> 01:29:27,977
And if the country needed a big shitshow
like the Civil War to end slavery

1649
01:29:28,010 --> 01:29:29,412
instead of kicking
it down the road

1650
01:29:29,444 --> 01:29:33,783
then maybe you were the best worst
president at the exact right time.

1651
01:29:35,151 --> 01:29:38,921
Not exactly "forgiveness,"
but it's something.

1652
01:29:40,990 --> 01:29:45,493
Well, I can't say I rate
forgiveness,

1653
01:29:46,561 --> 01:29:48,931
but I appreciate
the sentiment.

1654
01:29:53,636 --> 01:29:54,670
Miss Kiesling.

1655
01:29:56,205 --> 01:29:57,572
Mr. President.

1656
01:30:22,698 --> 01:30:24,133
What the hell do you want?

1657
01:30:24,166 --> 01:30:26,268
We were in the middle of a
business transaction.

1658
01:30:26,302 --> 01:30:28,170
I neglected to collect my money.

1659
01:30:29,772 --> 01:30:31,941
- Thirty-five hundred dollars.
- You know what...

1660
01:30:32,942 --> 01:30:35,011
You stole him from us!

1661
01:30:35,044 --> 01:30:40,116
And I have had a really
rough week.

1662
01:30:42,151 --> 01:30:44,820
Mr. Crosby knows the value
of what I'm offering...

1663
01:30:50,359 --> 01:30:52,028
Aren't you gonna do something?

1664
01:30:52,995 --> 01:30:55,865
No. I think we're gonna leave.

1665
01:30:58,701 --> 01:30:59,902
The chairs are on the tables.

1666
01:31:06,175 --> 01:31:07,076
Butthole.

1667
01:31:26,862 --> 01:31:29,965
Should have prepared
something. Shit.

1668
01:31:32,301 --> 01:31:36,105
Here lies President James
Buchanan, no middle name.

1669
01:31:37,106 --> 01:31:41,177
Sometimes known as "Old Public
Functionary," which is very sad.

1670
01:31:43,279 --> 01:31:45,281
He didn't choose the times he
was born into

1671
01:31:45,314 --> 01:31:48,284
or the crazy circumstances that
he found himself in.

1672
01:31:50,853 --> 01:31:52,388
He made a lot of stupid
decisions

1673
01:31:52,421 --> 01:31:56,592
based on some flawed thinking but you
don't have to be an idiot to do that.

1674
01:31:57,259 --> 01:32:00,396
And though people said some really
unkind things about him as President,

1675
01:32:00,429 --> 01:32:03,999
I don't think he was quite the turd
that history has painted him out to be.

1676
01:32:06,268 --> 01:32:07,169
Amen.

1677
01:32:08,003 --> 01:32:09,038
Amen.

1678
01:32:28,057 --> 01:32:31,760
You guys, my dad made me promise not to have
any sort of ceremony or anything for him.

1679
01:32:32,328 --> 01:32:34,997
But after I get his ashes back
next week,

1680
01:32:35,030 --> 01:32:37,233
I'd really like it if you came
with me to distribute them.

1681
01:32:37,266 --> 01:32:39,235
Just on a couple of graves and
on that rock

1682
01:32:39,268 --> 01:32:41,837
I gotta throw through the
appliance store window.

1683
01:32:43,405 --> 01:32:44,773
I think he'd be okay with that.

1684
01:32:46,475 --> 01:32:49,178
You got more guts than Dick Tracy
letting Meg drive that thing.

1685
01:32:51,080 --> 01:32:52,081
She'll be fine.

1686
01:32:53,349 --> 01:32:54,416
This is getting ridiculous.

1687
01:32:54,450 --> 01:32:56,986
I'm gonna be the laughing
stock of the wilderness.

1688
01:33:01,056 --> 01:33:02,892
What's up with those
arms, Mr. Tat?

1689
01:33:02,925 --> 01:33:04,126
A little inky rebellion?

1690
01:33:05,161 --> 01:33:06,929
I got that a long time ago.

1691
01:33:06,962 --> 01:33:08,397
Seemed like a good
idea at the time.

1692
01:33:09,098 --> 01:33:10,766
You know, you really
have talent, Ruth.

1693
01:33:11,300 --> 01:33:13,469
That music was incredible.

1694
01:33:13,502 --> 01:33:14,803
Oh, I didn't write that.

1695
01:33:14,837 --> 01:33:16,739
That's Durant's Sonata
in D-major.

1696
01:33:16,772 --> 01:33:17,973
Well, you played it great.

1697
01:33:18,007 --> 01:33:19,808
Nah, my fingers were numb.

1698
01:33:19,842 --> 01:33:21,977
- I played like shit.
- I disagree.

1699
01:33:22,011 --> 01:33:23,412
And that eulogy.

1700
01:33:24,847 --> 01:33:28,017
Don't think I ever heard a eulogy
where the word "turd" was mentioned.

1701
01:33:28,050 --> 01:33:29,685
Well, I was just winging it.

1702
01:33:30,452 --> 01:33:33,255
Are you really gonna throw that
rock through the window?

1703
01:33:33,289 --> 01:33:35,291
I don't even know if that
same guy owns the place.

1704
01:33:36,225 --> 01:33:37,960
But if he does... then, yeah.

1705
01:33:39,395 --> 01:33:41,263
What was that?

1706
01:33:42,431 --> 01:33:44,066
Oh, Meg!

1707
01:33:45,968 --> 01:33:47,536
Sorry.

1708
01:33:47,570 --> 01:33:50,206
- I kept the bucket down, but I didn't watch the sides.
- Are you okay?

1709
01:33:50,239 --> 01:33:51,740
Banged my knee, but I'm okay.

1710
01:33:51,774 --> 01:33:53,075
Knocked over your tree
thingy, though.

1711
01:33:53,108 --> 01:33:56,011
Well that's no big deal.
At least one of them falls every year.

1712
01:33:56,478 --> 01:33:58,280
- You sure you're okay?
- I'm fine.

1713
01:33:58,314 --> 01:34:00,082
Just a little embarrassed...

1714
01:34:00,115 --> 01:34:01,817
Ruth, can you give me
a hand here, will you?

1715
01:34:07,156 --> 01:34:10,159
I was really cooking 'til the
tree just jumped in my path...

1716
01:34:21,203 --> 01:34:22,304
That should do it.

1717
01:34:26,141 --> 01:34:27,009
Hmm...

1718
01:34:29,912 --> 01:34:30,779
What?

1719
01:34:32,214 --> 01:34:33,282
I thought you'd be taller.