1
00:00:20,061 --> 00:00:22,105
[Estelle] Mindy, you have to understand,

2
00:00:22,188 --> 00:00:28,111
in my generation, body-shaming
was just a way we would kid around

3
00:00:28,194 --> 00:00:29,237
with each other.

4
00:00:29,320 --> 00:00:32,032
You know, you'd see a guy
with big ears, and you'd say,

5
00:00:32,115 --> 00:00:34,075
"Hey, Dumbo, where's your feather?"

6
00:00:34,159 --> 00:00:36,286
And no one ever got offended.

7
00:00:36,369 --> 00:00:39,581
It was just considered
good-natured joshing.

8
00:00:39,664 --> 00:00:40,540
[Martin] All righty.

9
00:00:40,623 --> 00:00:44,044
As a matter of fact,
Dumbo might have a clever retort like,

10
00:00:44,127 --> 00:00:46,755
"Careful I don't fly overhead
and take a big elephant dump on you."

11
00:00:46,838 --> 00:00:50,300
-[laughs] Okay. You… you made your point.
-Hang on. Take it easy.

12
00:00:50,383 --> 00:00:51,217
All right.

13
00:00:52,635 --> 00:00:55,805
When I was growing up,
I had a girlfriend named Sissy,

14
00:00:55,889 --> 00:00:57,307
and she had a glass eye.

15
00:00:58,349 --> 00:01:01,978
So, naturally, everyone called her
Sissy Cyclops,

16
00:01:02,062 --> 00:01:03,229
to her face.

17
00:01:03,313 --> 00:01:04,439
She didn't mind.

18
00:01:04,522 --> 00:01:08,735
After school, I would say,
"See you around, Sissy Cyclops."

19
00:01:08,818 --> 00:01:12,280
And she would say,
"I'll keep an eye out for you."

20
00:01:12,363 --> 00:01:13,198
Terrific.

21
00:01:13,281 --> 00:01:19,079
Now, where I went wrong was to forget
how sensitive your generation is.

22
00:01:19,579 --> 00:01:22,207
None of you ever lost a soccer game

23
00:01:23,333 --> 00:01:25,376
or a brother in Korea.

24
00:01:25,460 --> 00:01:28,880
I'm confused.
Is this supposed to be an apology?

25
00:01:28,963 --> 00:01:31,800
Yes. Yes, it… it is.

26
00:01:31,883 --> 00:01:33,343
Uh, and now it's my turn.

27
00:01:33,426 --> 00:01:36,429
Mindy, sweetie, I… I… I love you,

28
00:01:36,513 --> 00:01:40,517
a… and the last thing in the world
I'd want to do is hurt your feelings.

29
00:01:40,600 --> 00:01:42,769
And I'm not gonna let
anybody else hurt them either.

30
00:01:45,438 --> 00:01:47,524
[sighs] I don't--

31
00:01:47,607 --> 00:01:51,111
Please forgive me… [inhales]
…for not saying something last night.

32
00:01:51,194 --> 00:01:55,115
I should have said something.
I don't know why-- I… I… I'm an idiot.

33
00:01:55,198 --> 00:01:58,076
I'm an idiot,
and… and I don't deserve you.

34
00:02:01,329 --> 00:02:02,372
You really don't.

35
00:02:03,957 --> 00:02:04,791
So we're good?

36
00:02:05,834 --> 00:02:06,960
We're good.

37
00:02:07,877 --> 00:02:10,463
Martin said you're on the last train
to Clarksville.

38
00:02:12,340 --> 00:02:13,466
Tough break.

39
00:02:15,635 --> 00:02:16,678
Why would you say that?

40
00:02:18,179 --> 00:02:20,348
What? Midnight train to Georgia?

41
00:02:20,431 --> 00:02:21,266
No.

42
00:02:21,766 --> 00:02:23,977
No. Nothing.

43
00:02:24,060 --> 00:02:25,812
[theme music playing]

44
00:02:31,484 --> 00:02:33,153
Am I correct in assuming

45
00:02:33,236 --> 00:02:36,489
that Mindy's mother will be living
with you for the foreseeable future?

46
00:02:36,573 --> 00:02:37,407
Yes.

47
00:02:37,490 --> 00:02:39,284
Oh, you'll be outnumbered.

48
00:02:39,367 --> 00:02:43,079
-Uh, I… I don't see it that way.
-Really? You forget how to count?

49
00:02:43,163 --> 00:02:43,997
[grunts]

50
00:02:44,956 --> 00:02:45,957
Okay, just…

51
00:02:48,835 --> 00:02:51,921
-["Here Comes the Bride" playing]
-[indistinct chattering]

52
00:02:58,553 --> 00:03:00,763
[grunts] I'm gonna kill her.

53
00:03:00,847 --> 00:03:03,057
I swear to God, I'm gonna kill her.

54
00:03:03,141 --> 00:03:04,309
Not now, Mom.

55
00:03:04,934 --> 00:03:08,771
Well, I don't have long to live.
What are they gonna do? Give me the chair?

56
00:03:08,855 --> 00:03:11,482
I think, in California,
it's lethal injection.

57
00:03:11,566 --> 00:03:13,776
Oh my God. Stop it, both of you.

58
00:03:17,113 --> 00:03:19,908
Good afternoon and welcome.

59
00:03:21,117 --> 00:03:24,662
Thank you for joining us
as we celebrate the union

60
00:03:24,746 --> 00:03:29,167
of Mindy Clarice Kominsky
and Martin Lester Schneider.

61
00:03:29,250 --> 00:03:31,920
I am Dr. Roz Volander,

62
00:03:32,003 --> 00:03:37,008
and it is my great privilege,
both as Mindy's mom

63
00:03:37,091 --> 00:03:43,139
and as an ordained minister
of the Church of Universal Life,

64
00:03:43,223 --> 00:03:45,266
to perform this ceremony.

65
00:03:45,350 --> 00:03:46,851
Minister, schminister.

66
00:03:46,935 --> 00:03:50,188
Oh, I'd also like to welcome Martin's mom,

67
00:03:50,271 --> 00:03:51,522
Estelle.

68
00:03:51,606 --> 00:03:56,069
Estelle has come all the way
from Scottsdale, Arizona.

69
00:03:56,152 --> 00:04:01,616
Estelle, from this day forth,
our families are forever joined,

70
00:04:01,699 --> 00:04:06,496
bound together
by the love of our children.

71
00:04:07,205 --> 00:04:08,081
My daughter,

72
00:04:08,164 --> 00:04:10,083
in the prime of her life,

73
00:04:10,667 --> 00:04:11,626
and your son,

74
00:04:11,709 --> 00:04:13,962
in his twilight years.

75
00:04:14,045 --> 00:04:15,380
[guests tittering, giggling]

76
00:04:15,964 --> 00:04:17,715
[Roz] Uh, Mindy, Martin,

77
00:04:17,799 --> 00:04:20,551
the vows you are about to take

78
00:04:21,803 --> 00:04:24,305
are sacred vows.

79
00:04:24,389 --> 00:04:28,601
They have to be entered into
without doubt or hesitation.

80
00:04:29,102 --> 00:04:30,895
They have to be the expression

81
00:04:30,979 --> 00:04:33,690
of your deepest, your most heartfelt

82
00:04:34,357 --> 00:04:37,068
feelings of love for one another.

83
00:04:37,151 --> 00:04:39,070
Are you prepared to do that?

84
00:04:39,153 --> 00:04:40,071
Yes.

85
00:04:41,114 --> 00:04:42,323
Twilight years?

86
00:04:44,492 --> 00:04:45,702
[clears throat] Yes.

87
00:04:47,245 --> 00:04:50,123
-Martin, why don't you start?
-All righty. [clears throat]

88
00:04:51,124 --> 00:04:53,126
I had to… write it down. [chuckles]

89
00:04:53,918 --> 00:04:54,752
[clears throat]

90
00:04:56,296 --> 00:04:57,171
[clears throat]

91
00:04:58,548 --> 00:04:59,382
Mindy,

92
00:05:00,341 --> 00:05:02,176
ever since we first met,

93
00:05:02,802 --> 00:05:06,723
I knew you were the one
I had been searching for all my life.

94
00:05:07,974 --> 00:05:11,477
I remember we were
at a bookstore standing next to each other

95
00:05:11,561 --> 00:05:13,646
in the… the young adult section.

96
00:05:13,730 --> 00:05:16,524
That's… that's another story
for another time.

97
00:05:16,607 --> 00:05:19,777
Uh, when I noticed you were staring at me,

98
00:05:20,361 --> 00:05:21,612
I got a little flustered,

99
00:05:21,696 --> 00:05:24,907
and I asked if everything was okay.

100
00:05:24,991 --> 00:05:27,994
And you said
I looked like a Pez dispenser,

101
00:05:28,077 --> 00:05:29,579
and if you pulled on my ponytail,

102
00:05:29,662 --> 00:05:32,498
a little piece of candy
would pop out my mouth. [chuckles]

103
00:05:32,582 --> 00:05:33,750
[all laughing softly]

104
00:05:33,833 --> 00:05:35,835
[Martin] Needless to say, I… I laughed.

105
00:05:35,918 --> 00:05:40,256
And that's when I realized
it had been so long since I laughed.

106
00:05:40,882 --> 00:05:42,717
And I knew. I knew right then.

107
00:05:43,801 --> 00:05:44,677
Mindy,

108
00:05:46,471 --> 00:05:48,848
you are the most important woman
in my life.

109
00:05:48,931 --> 00:05:50,558
[scoffs, clears throat]

110
00:05:56,147 --> 00:05:58,775
You're the most important woman
in my life,

111
00:05:58,858 --> 00:06:00,943
and I want to share my life with you.

112
00:06:01,027 --> 00:06:06,783
And… and I vow to… to be your friend
and… and lover and… and protector

113
00:06:06,866 --> 00:06:11,371
for as long as God gives me life.

114
00:06:12,747 --> 00:06:13,581
I love you.

115
00:06:14,499 --> 00:06:15,541
I love you too.

116
00:06:16,584 --> 00:06:18,086
-Can we build a home theater?
-No.

117
00:06:18,795 --> 00:06:19,879
Okay.

118
00:06:20,630 --> 00:06:21,923
Mindy, your turn.

119
00:06:26,177 --> 00:06:27,011
[Mindy sighs]

120
00:06:27,762 --> 00:06:28,763
Martin… [sighs]

121
00:06:29,555 --> 00:06:30,890
…before I met you,

122
00:06:30,973 --> 00:06:33,142
I never thought I'd settle down
with anyone.

123
00:06:33,643 --> 00:06:35,728
In fact, I'd gotten used to the idea.

124
00:06:36,521 --> 00:06:41,025
And then I saw a Pez dispenser
thumbing through a Hunger Games book.

125
00:06:41,109 --> 00:06:43,528
-[guests laugh]
-The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes.

126
00:06:43,611 --> 00:06:46,280
-Right.
-It's actually the prequel to the trilogy.

127
00:06:46,364 --> 00:06:47,657
Okay.

128
00:06:47,740 --> 00:06:50,868
I was planning to write a YA novel
of my own. I was doing some research.

129
00:06:50,952 --> 00:06:52,078
Martin.

130
00:06:52,578 --> 00:06:54,705
I didn't want them
to think I was some kinda weirdo.

131
00:06:54,789 --> 00:06:55,915
They don't think that.

132
00:06:57,458 --> 00:07:00,670
YA is "young adult."
Uh, it… it's the same as regular novels,

133
00:07:00,753 --> 00:07:03,464
only you're not having
to constantly Google what words mean.

134
00:07:03,548 --> 00:07:06,134
Martin… my turn.

135
00:07:06,217 --> 00:07:07,593
Sorry. Continue, please.

136
00:07:08,177 --> 00:07:11,389
And when I made a lame joke
about it and he laughed,

137
00:07:11,472 --> 00:07:14,016
I was suddenly struck
by how big a heart he had.

138
00:07:14,600 --> 00:07:17,311
I also knew he didn't have the courage
to ask me out.

139
00:07:17,395 --> 00:07:18,479
I did not.

140
00:07:18,563 --> 00:07:20,940
-So I asked him.
-She did.

141
00:07:21,524 --> 00:07:22,900
And here we are.

142
00:07:22,984 --> 00:07:25,862
[inhales] I love you,
Martin Lester Schneider.

143
00:07:26,362 --> 00:07:28,448
And I vow to always care for you,

144
00:07:28,531 --> 00:07:29,824
fight for you,

145
00:07:29,907 --> 00:07:31,117
and laugh with you.

146
00:07:32,452 --> 00:07:34,954
That's great. Now, who has the rings?

147
00:07:35,037 --> 00:07:36,080
[gasps]

148
00:07:42,462 --> 00:07:45,381
Yes, all right. Martin, repeat after me.

149
00:07:45,465 --> 00:07:46,591
With this ring…

150
00:07:47,300 --> 00:07:48,301
With this ring…

151
00:07:48,384 --> 00:07:50,011
[Roz] I do thee wed.

152
00:07:50,094 --> 00:07:51,471
I do thee wed.

153
00:07:51,554 --> 00:07:53,639
[Roz] Till death do us part.

154
00:07:53,723 --> 00:07:55,224
Till death do us part.

155
00:07:55,308 --> 00:07:56,893
Which will most likely be me.

156
00:07:56,976 --> 00:07:58,352
Which will most-- Hey.

157
00:07:58,436 --> 00:08:00,938
-[guests laugh]
-Sorry. It was just sitting there.

158
00:08:01,022 --> 00:08:02,231
-[guests laugh]
-Yeah.

159
00:08:02,940 --> 00:08:04,400
-Look at him.
-[Roz] All right, Mindy…

160
00:08:04,484 --> 00:08:06,068
Not like we'd be cutting his life short.

161
00:08:06,152 --> 00:08:07,278
[Roz] Repeat after me.

162
00:08:07,904 --> 00:08:10,406
[Phoebe] That's terrible.
How could you even think that?

163
00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:13,409
He'll reincarnate into a baby body.
No harm, no foul.

164
00:08:13,493 --> 00:08:14,994
-No. Forget it.
-[Mindy] With this ring…

165
00:08:15,077 --> 00:08:16,454
We wouldn't have to do a thing.

166
00:08:16,537 --> 00:08:18,039
-I know a guy.
-[Mindy] I thee wed…

167
00:08:18,122 --> 00:08:21,250
-What do you mean, you know a guy?
-A guy who knows a guy.

168
00:08:21,876 --> 00:08:24,378
I'm one guy removed from the guy
who knows a guy.

169
00:08:24,462 --> 00:08:26,422
-I'm guy-adjacent.
-[Mindy] …till death do us part.

170
00:08:26,506 --> 00:08:31,844
Okay. By the power granted to me
by this phony-baloney Internet scam…

171
00:08:31,928 --> 00:08:36,224
-[all laughing]
-…I now pronounce you husband and wife.

172
00:08:36,933 --> 00:08:38,434
You may kiss each other.

173
00:08:41,312 --> 00:08:42,480
[guests applauding]

174
00:08:49,820 --> 00:08:53,199
If you stay in Arizona,
everything's gonna be fine.

175
00:08:57,161 --> 00:08:58,829
-Hi. Hi!
-[Roz chuckles]

176
00:08:58,913 --> 00:09:01,165
-You guys look amazing.
-Oh.

177
00:09:01,249 --> 00:09:03,084
-[Mindy] Oh, thank you.
-Sandy.

178
00:09:04,919 --> 00:09:06,754
-[Sandy] Are you all right?
-Get me out of here.

179
00:09:07,672 --> 00:09:08,589
Everything okay?

180
00:09:08,673 --> 00:09:11,592
-Oh, yeah. All good.
-We're gonna go make out.

181
00:09:11,676 --> 00:09:13,344
Uh, he's promised me a dry hump.

182
00:09:15,680 --> 00:09:17,557
-Let me get you some water.
-[grunts]

183
00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:20,393
Yes, please. [chuckles]

184
00:09:21,227 --> 00:09:23,229
Why don't you let me take you
to your doctor.

185
00:09:23,312 --> 00:09:25,481
No. No, no, no. I just-- I need to rest.

186
00:09:25,565 --> 00:09:27,567
-[Sandy] Roz, please.
-No!

187
00:09:28,192 --> 00:09:30,486
I am not going to miss Mindy's wedding.

188
00:09:30,570 --> 00:09:31,737
Or fuck it up either.

189
00:09:31,821 --> 00:09:34,198
All right. All right. [sighs]

190
00:09:35,366 --> 00:09:37,285
Oh, Jesus.

191
00:09:38,703 --> 00:09:40,121
I don't know which is worse.

192
00:09:40,621 --> 00:09:42,873
Leukemia or… [chuckles]

193
00:09:42,957 --> 00:09:44,542
…or the treatment for leukemia.

194
00:09:45,585 --> 00:09:49,672
-Can we at least call the doctor?
-Yeah, all right. No. No. Now, listen.

195
00:09:50,256 --> 00:09:51,841
This is what's gonna happen.

196
00:09:52,675 --> 00:09:54,176
We're gonna go back in there.

197
00:09:55,094 --> 00:09:56,929
We're gonna greet the guests,

198
00:09:57,471 --> 00:09:59,390
eat the pumpkin ravioli,

199
00:10:00,558 --> 00:10:01,684
make a toast.

200
00:10:02,351 --> 00:10:04,854
You will dance with your daughter.

201
00:10:04,937 --> 00:10:08,691
I will dance with the Pez dispenser,

202
00:10:09,191 --> 00:10:14,363
and with any luck, I'll be drunk enough
to vomit all over his mother.

203
00:10:15,156 --> 00:10:16,324
You've thought this through.

204
00:10:16,407 --> 00:10:19,076
Oh, I'm a planner, honey.
That's what I do.

205
00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:20,119
[chuckles]

206
00:10:20,202 --> 00:10:21,037
All right.

207
00:10:21,871 --> 00:10:22,705
One moment.

208
00:10:23,497 --> 00:10:24,415
[sips]

209
00:10:25,333 --> 00:10:26,250
[grunts]

210
00:10:27,710 --> 00:10:30,296
All right. Let's do this. [grunts]

211
00:10:34,050 --> 00:10:35,551
Your puke will be orange.

212
00:10:36,177 --> 00:10:37,011
What?

213
00:10:37,553 --> 00:10:39,138
The pumpkin ravioli.

214
00:10:39,805 --> 00:10:41,724
[chuckles] Oh, yeah. Great.

215
00:10:45,811 --> 00:10:47,188
[emotional music playing]

216
00:10:48,481 --> 00:10:49,982
[car engine revving softly]

217
00:10:56,280 --> 00:10:58,366
[phone ringing]

218
00:10:59,659 --> 00:11:01,285
[phone ringing, beeps]

219
00:11:01,911 --> 00:11:03,913
What are you doing up so early?

220
00:11:03,996 --> 00:11:06,123
[Roz] Me? What about you?

221
00:11:06,791 --> 00:11:09,502
I got up to pee
for, like, the… the ninth time

222
00:11:09,585 --> 00:11:11,253
and decided that was enough.

223
00:11:11,754 --> 00:11:12,880
I give up.

224
00:11:13,506 --> 00:11:15,549
Well, at least you got a little sleep.

225
00:11:15,633 --> 00:11:18,803
All night long
I've got nurses coming in here,

226
00:11:18,886 --> 00:11:22,431
taking my blood,
taking my pulse, taking my weight.

227
00:11:22,515 --> 00:11:26,352
Who the fuck needs to know what I weigh
at four o'clock in the morning?

228
00:11:26,435 --> 00:11:29,397
[Sandy chuckles] What can I do for you?

229
00:11:29,480 --> 00:11:32,316
[Roz] I saw a commercial last night
for your movie.

230
00:11:32,817 --> 00:11:34,443
It looks really good.

231
00:11:34,985 --> 00:11:36,487
You getting excited?

232
00:11:36,987 --> 00:11:40,074
Excited, nervous,
it's hard to tell the difference.

233
00:11:40,157 --> 00:11:42,284
Hey, you want some company a little later?

234
00:11:42,368 --> 00:11:44,870
[Roz] Oh, that would be nice.
I think Mindy's coming.

235
00:11:44,954 --> 00:11:47,581
-Great.
-[Roz] Would you bring me some edibles?

236
00:11:48,165 --> 00:11:49,959
Well, i… is that allowed?

237
00:11:50,042 --> 00:11:51,919
-[Roz] Do I give a shit?
-[chuckles]

238
00:11:53,254 --> 00:11:56,841
-Brownies, huh?
-[Roz] Yeah, and lollipops.

239
00:11:56,924 --> 00:11:59,552
Okay. I'm your candy man. [chuckles]

240
00:12:01,846 --> 00:12:04,056
[sighs] Hey, can I tell you a secret?

241
00:12:04,140 --> 00:12:06,350
[Roz] Will I have to lie
on the witness stand?

242
00:12:06,434 --> 00:12:08,060
-No, no. [chuckles]
-[Roz] Shoot.

243
00:12:08,644 --> 00:12:11,689
I've lived my life with a broken heart.

244
00:12:11,772 --> 00:12:13,482
[Roz] I don't understand.

245
00:12:15,276 --> 00:12:19,447
When I was a kid, I didn't dream
about being an acting coach.

246
00:12:21,615 --> 00:12:22,575
My dream

247
00:12:23,159 --> 00:12:24,535
was to be an actor.

248
00:12:27,955 --> 00:12:29,665
When that didn't happen,

249
00:12:30,875 --> 00:12:34,462
I convinced myself that, uh,
teaching was what I was meant to do.

250
00:12:36,922 --> 00:12:41,218
That it was actually better than my, uh…
than my silly childhood dream.

251
00:12:41,302 --> 00:12:43,220
[Roz] Are you looking
at the billboard again?

252
00:12:43,804 --> 00:12:45,890
-Yeah.
-[Roz] Walk away, Sandy.

253
00:12:45,973 --> 00:12:49,393
-[Sandy] Why do I feel like crying?
-[Roz] Walk away.

254
00:12:49,477 --> 00:12:51,187
This… this late in life, I just--

255
00:12:51,270 --> 00:12:53,731
I don't know
how to deal with a dream coming true.

256
00:12:53,814 --> 00:12:55,941
[Roz] How about you just enjoy it?

257
00:12:56,442 --> 00:12:58,194
No, that doesn't sound right.

258
00:13:02,656 --> 00:13:03,866
[crying]

259
00:13:13,209 --> 00:13:15,669
He didn't give him the keys.
He had took the keys.

260
00:13:15,753 --> 00:13:18,380
[Mindy] Oh, come on.
It's been over a year.

261
00:13:18,464 --> 00:13:20,132
[Martin] Your mother's been here
that long.

262
00:13:20,216 --> 00:13:21,801
-[TV clicks off]
-[Mindy] My mother's ill.

263
00:13:21,884 --> 00:13:23,093
[Martin] So is mine.

264
00:13:23,177 --> 00:13:26,180
[Mindy] My mother is in the hospital
fighting for her life.

265
00:13:26,263 --> 00:13:28,015
[Martin] Mine will get there.
Give her time.

266
00:13:28,098 --> 00:13:29,683
[Mindy] Take care of it.

267
00:13:31,560 --> 00:13:34,230
-[TV clicks on]
-Explain to me in my words.

268
00:13:34,313 --> 00:13:36,357
-It's his responsibility. It's his car.
-[door closes]

269
00:13:36,440 --> 00:13:39,026
But he's not the one
who crashed it, and he's not the one

270
00:13:39,109 --> 00:13:40,861
who told him to drive it. He had…

271
00:13:40,945 --> 00:13:42,655
-[Estelle] Mindy?
-What?

272
00:13:43,197 --> 00:13:46,700
If it's not inconvenient, could you stop
and get me some more Pringles?

273
00:13:46,784 --> 00:13:49,119
-[Mindy] Sure.
-The kind with jalapeño.

274
00:13:49,203 --> 00:13:50,204
[Mindy] Okay.

275
00:13:50,287 --> 00:13:52,832
-Not the wavy, the flat.
-[Mindy] Right.

276
00:13:52,915 --> 00:13:56,168
And if you're going to the hospital,
send my love to your mom.

277
00:13:57,044 --> 00:14:00,172
-I will.
-She's a real fighter. She'll beat this.

278
00:14:00,256 --> 00:14:03,259
-I hope so.
-Or she won't. Who knows?

279
00:14:04,468 --> 00:14:05,678
Goodbye, Estelle.

280
00:14:07,179 --> 00:14:08,848
-Mindy.
-What?

281
00:14:08,931 --> 00:14:11,183
Never mind. I don't want to be a bother.

282
00:14:11,267 --> 00:14:12,852
Tell me, Estelle.

283
00:14:13,435 --> 00:14:16,772
If the hospital's near a CVS,
could you pick me up some Dulcolax?

284
00:14:16,856 --> 00:14:18,691
-[Mindy] Okay. Mm-hmm.
-The pink box.

285
00:14:18,774 --> 00:14:21,694
It's marketed as a stool softener
for pregnant ladies,

286
00:14:21,777 --> 00:14:23,445
but I find it to be very effective.

287
00:14:23,529 --> 00:14:24,488
I'll get it.

288
00:14:25,072 --> 00:14:26,699
My tushy thanks you in advance.

289
00:14:26,782 --> 00:14:27,616
Great.

290
00:14:28,951 --> 00:14:29,827
[door closes]

291
00:14:29,910 --> 00:14:32,913
Nobody else was sober enough
to get into his car.

292
00:14:43,299 --> 00:14:44,592
How's it lookin'?

293
00:14:45,551 --> 00:14:46,510
Fine, I guess.

294
00:14:48,429 --> 00:14:49,680
You guess, or you know?

295
00:14:50,264 --> 00:14:51,473
All right. I know.

296
00:14:56,061 --> 00:14:57,396
As agreed.

297
00:14:59,899 --> 00:15:01,025
[envelope rustles]

298
00:15:01,108 --> 00:15:04,612
Fifty grand up front,
fifty when my inheritance comes through.

299
00:15:07,239 --> 00:15:08,157
As agreed.

300
00:15:13,537 --> 00:15:14,413
[exhales]

301
00:15:15,789 --> 00:15:16,665
[exhales]

302
00:15:23,005 --> 00:15:24,173
We're all set, Mom.

303
00:15:24,924 --> 00:15:26,258
Yeah. It went real smooth.

304
00:15:27,217 --> 00:15:28,344
No. No problems.

305
00:15:28,844 --> 00:15:30,888
-You got the money?
-What?

306
00:15:30,971 --> 00:15:33,891
Don't fuck around with me, kid. The money.

307
00:15:35,893 --> 00:15:37,561
Mom, I'm gonna have to call you back.

308
00:15:40,064 --> 00:15:40,940
Where are you from?

309
00:15:41,023 --> 00:15:42,858
-Me? I'm from New York.
-[judge] Goodbye.

310
00:15:42,942 --> 00:15:44,818
Go back to New York.
-[audience laughing]

311
00:15:44,902 --> 00:15:47,446
-[judge] Where is the dog?
-[man] The dog is at a friend's house.

312
00:15:47,529 --> 00:15:50,532
-[judge] Where was the dog three days ago?
-[man] At a friend's house.

313
00:15:50,616 --> 00:15:51,700
[sighs deeply]

314
00:15:53,118 --> 00:15:55,579
Hey. You got a minute? Can we talk?

315
00:15:55,663 --> 00:15:57,247
I'm watching my judge show.

316
00:15:57,331 --> 00:16:00,292
All right. Just hit pause,
and then you won't miss anything.

317
00:16:00,376 --> 00:16:03,128
There. Yeah, right. Here, this one.
There you go.

318
00:16:03,212 --> 00:16:04,922
-But you placed them there--
-[clicks off]

319
00:16:05,881 --> 00:16:06,840
Voilà.

320
00:16:06,924 --> 00:16:07,841
[sighs] Okay.

321
00:16:08,550 --> 00:16:10,594
Okay? What?

322
00:16:10,678 --> 00:16:12,346
[clicks tongue] Well…

323
00:16:13,806 --> 00:16:14,682
[Martin clears throat]

324
00:16:16,350 --> 00:16:20,646
You know the old Benjamin Franklin saying
about houseguests and fish?

325
00:16:22,439 --> 00:16:24,024
No. Tell me.

326
00:16:25,192 --> 00:16:27,277
Come on, Ma. Please.

327
00:16:28,821 --> 00:16:30,114
You want me to leave?

328
00:16:30,197 --> 00:16:32,282
No. No. Not--

329
00:16:32,908 --> 00:16:34,576
Not me. Benjamin Franklin.

330
00:16:34,660 --> 00:16:35,619
[chuckles]

331
00:16:37,037 --> 00:16:38,789
Okay. Fine.

332
00:16:40,833 --> 00:16:41,792
[can thuds]

333
00:16:42,418 --> 00:16:45,212
[straining] I know when I'm not wanted.

334
00:16:45,963 --> 00:16:46,797
Do ya?

335
00:16:46,880 --> 00:16:49,258
I gotta tell you, Martin,
I'm a little hurt.

336
00:16:49,341 --> 00:16:50,175
[Martin groans]

337
00:16:50,259 --> 00:16:53,762
The only reason why I stayed this long
was to take a load off your wife

338
00:16:53,846 --> 00:16:56,724
so she can focus
on her poor, dying mother.

339
00:16:56,807 --> 00:16:58,976
And she very much appreciates it.

340
00:17:00,352 --> 00:17:02,688
-Does she?
-Where are you going? You're leaving now?

341
00:17:02,771 --> 00:17:05,149
I'm going to bring in the garbage cans.

342
00:17:05,232 --> 00:17:07,526
Don't. Don't. No, no, no.
Stop. I can do that.

343
00:17:07,609 --> 00:17:10,696
They've been out there for two days,
so clearly, you can't.

344
00:17:10,779 --> 00:17:11,864
-[sighs]
-[door slams]

345
00:17:17,327 --> 00:17:18,328
Hi. It's me.

346
00:17:18,412 --> 00:17:20,205
Okay. I just did.

347
00:17:20,789 --> 00:17:22,958
I did. I just did. I did now.

348
00:17:23,042 --> 00:17:25,002
Yes. She's leaving.

349
00:17:25,627 --> 00:17:26,462
Hmm?

350
00:17:26,962 --> 00:17:29,381
I… I… I don't know when, Mindy.

351
00:17:29,465 --> 00:17:30,299
Soon.

352
00:17:31,175 --> 00:17:32,801
We didn't-- Soon. She--

353
00:17:32,885 --> 00:17:35,763
-What do you want from me? I-- [sighs]
-[knocking at door]

354
00:17:36,305 --> 00:17:39,099
I-- Let me call you back.
I'm gonna call you back.

355
00:17:39,183 --> 00:17:40,309
[knocking continues]

356
00:17:42,978 --> 00:17:43,812
[Martin] What?

357
00:17:43,896 --> 00:17:45,522
I think you got a dead person
on your lawn.

358
00:17:46,523 --> 00:17:47,691
What?

359
00:17:48,358 --> 00:17:52,613
Oh! Oh! Oh! Ma!
Oh! Ma! Oh, oh, oh, oh!

360
00:17:52,696 --> 00:17:54,573
-Call an ambulance!
-[kid] I don't have a phone.

361
00:17:54,656 --> 00:17:57,034
-What? Who doesn't have a phone?
-Me.

362
00:17:57,618 --> 00:17:59,328
Okay. Just stay with her.

363
00:18:00,329 --> 00:18:01,747
Oh. Oh.

364
00:18:01,830 --> 00:18:03,248
[phone line ringing]

365
00:18:03,332 --> 00:18:05,501
-[operator] Nine-one-one, please hold.
-[grunting] What--

366
00:18:05,584 --> 00:18:08,921
-Are you kidding me?
-[operator] …in the order it was received.

367
00:18:12,049 --> 00:18:13,592
Pretty sure she's dead!

368
00:18:13,675 --> 00:18:15,511
-[grunts] Okay.
-[car alarm chirps]

369
00:18:15,594 --> 00:18:17,679
All right, Ma. Okay.
You're gonna be okay.

370
00:18:17,763 --> 00:18:19,473
-Okay, come on. Help me out.
-[kid] Nope.

371
00:18:19,556 --> 00:18:21,767
-Could you just grab… grab a leg?
-No way.

372
00:18:21,850 --> 00:18:23,435
-Oh, fuck you.
-Fuck you right back.

373
00:18:23,519 --> 00:18:24,645
No. Fuck you!

374
00:18:24,728 --> 00:18:27,439
Okay, Ma. Okay. Here we go. Here we go.

375
00:18:27,523 --> 00:18:29,399
There you-- All right. Oh! Oh, boy.

376
00:18:29,483 --> 00:18:31,860
Okay. Come on. Come on, help me out.
Sit up. Just sit up.

377
00:18:31,944 --> 00:18:35,447
Here we go. All right.
Ooh, I got you. I got you. I got you.

378
00:18:35,531 --> 00:18:36,782
Oh, oh, oh. I got you.

379
00:18:36,865 --> 00:18:38,784
Oh, I don't got you.

380
00:18:39,827 --> 00:18:40,953
[grunts]

381
00:18:41,036 --> 00:18:42,621
Can you at least open the door?

382
00:18:43,455 --> 00:18:44,706
-[grunts]
-Cool car.

383
00:18:44,790 --> 00:18:45,624
[groans]

384
00:18:47,334 --> 00:18:50,212
All right, we gotta get--
There we go. Watch your head. Whoa.

385
00:18:50,295 --> 00:18:53,132
Okay. Whoa! Didn't… didn't mean to touch
your bosom there. Pardon me.

386
00:18:54,550 --> 00:18:57,261
Okay. Okay. Okay.

387
00:19:01,306 --> 00:19:03,809
[Sandy humming "The Candy Man"]

388
00:19:07,104 --> 00:19:10,149
♪ Who can take a sunrise ♪

389
00:19:10,232 --> 00:19:12,568
♪ Sprinkle it with dew? ♪

390
00:19:13,068 --> 00:19:15,320
♪ Cover it with chocolate ♪

391
00:19:15,946 --> 00:19:18,782
♪ And a miracle or two ♪

392
00:19:18,866 --> 00:19:20,826
♪ The candy man can ♪

393
00:19:28,375 --> 00:19:29,334
[exhales]

394
00:19:29,918 --> 00:19:30,752
[clicks tongue]

395
00:19:31,503 --> 00:19:32,504
No.

396
00:19:34,631 --> 00:19:36,258
We just talked.

397
00:19:38,510 --> 00:19:39,595
I got her some, uh…

398
00:19:42,806 --> 00:19:44,433
[exhales] Goddamn it.

399
00:19:45,142 --> 00:19:48,604
-[Sandy breathing shakily] Honey…
-[sobbing]

400
00:19:53,984 --> 00:19:55,194
[sighs deeply]

401
00:19:57,404 --> 00:19:58,322
[sniffling]

402
00:20:07,873 --> 00:20:10,125
[triumphant music playing]

403
00:20:12,669 --> 00:20:15,923
The Emmy for Outstanding Lead Actor
in a Limited Series or Movie--

404
00:20:16,006 --> 00:20:18,675
-[woman shouts] Duckie!
-[crowd murmuring]

405
00:20:18,759 --> 00:20:24,223
Breezing past 50 with a prostate the size
of a cantaloupe, but sure, Duckie.

406
00:20:24,306 --> 00:20:26,975
-[man shouts] Alan Harper!
-Calm down, Chuck.

407
00:20:27,059 --> 00:20:28,018
[crowd laughing]

408
00:20:29,603 --> 00:20:30,687
So, as I was saying,

409
00:20:30,771 --> 00:20:34,775
the Emmy for Outstanding Lead Actor
in a Limited Series or Movie

410
00:20:34,858 --> 00:20:36,109
goes to…

411
00:20:37,527 --> 00:20:38,612
[gasping]

412
00:20:39,821 --> 00:20:40,822
[breathing heavily]

413
00:20:42,532 --> 00:20:43,408
[chuckles]

414
00:20:43,951 --> 00:20:45,619
Sandy Kominsky, The Old Man and the Sea.

415
00:20:45,702 --> 00:20:47,329
[crowd applauding]

416
00:20:48,580 --> 00:20:51,250
Holy shit! Holy shit!

417
00:20:52,417 --> 00:20:53,335
[laughing]

418
00:20:53,418 --> 00:20:55,128
Yeah! [laughing]

419
00:20:55,212 --> 00:20:56,046
All right!

420
00:20:58,882 --> 00:21:00,968
I fucked that guy. [chuckles]

421
00:21:01,927 --> 00:21:03,595
[shouts indistinctly]

422
00:21:04,805 --> 00:21:07,182
-[Sandy] Hey, thank you, Jon.
-Congratulations, man.

423
00:21:07,266 --> 00:21:09,017
-Hey, thank you. Thank you.
-[applause stops]

424
00:21:10,060 --> 00:21:11,478
[breathes shakily] I, um…

425
00:21:14,106 --> 00:21:14,940
[exhales]

426
00:21:15,816 --> 00:21:17,651
I don't know what to say. [chuckles]

427
00:21:20,070 --> 00:21:22,155
Uh… [clears throat]

428
00:21:24,283 --> 00:21:26,868
First, I gotta thank Barry Levinson, uh,

429
00:21:27,536 --> 00:21:28,912
for his faith in me.

430
00:21:29,830 --> 00:21:32,040
I am forever grateful.

431
00:21:33,250 --> 00:21:36,545
It's crazy, crazy what he did,
giving me this shot.

432
00:21:38,338 --> 00:21:39,172
And, um,

433
00:21:41,008 --> 00:21:43,218
I gotta thank Norman Newlander.

434
00:21:44,177 --> 00:21:45,679
I wish you were here with me.

435
00:21:47,389 --> 00:21:48,765
Ah, maybe you are.

436
00:21:50,183 --> 00:21:51,518
Yeah, you are.

437
00:21:52,936 --> 00:21:54,563
And, uh… [clicks tongue]

438
00:21:55,022 --> 00:21:56,857
…to my daughter Mindy…

439
00:21:56,940 --> 00:21:59,151
[chuckles] …honey,
look what Daddy did, huh?

440
00:21:59,860 --> 00:22:00,861
I'm not a fraud.

441
00:22:00,944 --> 00:22:02,237
[all laughing]

442
00:22:04,031 --> 00:22:05,532
And to my students…

443
00:22:05,615 --> 00:22:06,700
[shushing]

444
00:22:07,451 --> 00:22:10,203
…thank you for your endless optimism,

445
00:22:10,912 --> 00:22:12,873
your relentless ambition.

446
00:22:14,416 --> 00:22:17,419
It's what's kept me going all these years.

447
00:22:18,795 --> 00:22:21,048
I'll see you soon, and I love you all.

448
00:22:24,426 --> 00:22:26,970
And, uh, finally,

449
00:22:28,180 --> 00:22:30,265
I want to thank my ex-wife, uh,

450
00:22:30,349 --> 00:22:33,226
my first ex-wife, to be honest.

451
00:22:33,810 --> 00:22:35,729
[clicks tongue] Dr. Roz Volander.

452
00:22:37,147 --> 00:22:41,193
[sighs] Many, many years ago,
she believed in a bartender

453
00:22:41,902 --> 00:22:43,362
with big dreams.

454
00:22:44,988 --> 00:22:45,822
So,

455
00:22:46,865 --> 00:22:48,825
I'd like to dedicate this to her.

456
00:22:50,911 --> 00:22:53,288
Roz, honey,

457
00:22:55,040 --> 00:22:56,625
I wish I'd been better.

458
00:22:58,085 --> 00:22:59,002
[clicks tongue]

459
00:22:59,586 --> 00:23:00,921
Thank you. Thank you all.

460
00:23:01,004 --> 00:23:02,631
[applauding, cheering]

461
00:23:04,925 --> 00:23:07,427
-[yelling, chuckling]
-[Sandy laughing]

462
00:23:09,388 --> 00:23:11,515
-[Margaret] Congratulations.
-Oh, you too.

463
00:23:11,598 --> 00:23:12,432
[both chuckle]

464
00:23:17,270 --> 00:23:18,480
[indistinct chattering]

465
00:23:31,993 --> 00:23:34,788
All right. Let's get to work.

466
00:23:34,871 --> 00:23:36,415
[jazz music playing]