[Morgan] Let me begin by thanking Sandy
for asking me to come and talk to you tonight.
And while I appreciate the invitation,
the only reason I accepted was... Margaret Chen.
See, I figure, if a school can turn out someone like Margaret,
with her instincts and abilities,
her discipline and focus,
it must be a great school.
And it must have a great teacher.
Oh, you're gonna make me cry.
[all laugh]
So... what can I tell you about acting
that you haven't already heard from this man?
The best way to find out is to sign up for my MasterClass on acting.
For $90 you'll get 20 lessons
dealing with everything from character development
to auditioning to dealing with directors, voice-over work...
[Sandy] Hey, hang on. Hang on.
[Morgan] What?
[scoffs] What are you doing?
I'm telling them about my MasterClass.
I also talk about what is expected of you when you walk on a movie set.
- [Sandy] Morgan. - What?
Morgan, you can't shill for your course in the middle of my course.
I mean, they pay me to teach them.
And you do a wonderful job, Sandy, but... shouldn't they have the opportunity
to get the straight scoop from the horse's mouth?
- Are you saying that I'm not the horse? - [Morgan] No, no. You are.
My scoop is not straight?
No. It's very straight.
But... [chuckles]
...I have a MasterClass.
And this is a master class too.
Not one that has gotten four and a half stars from PC Magazine.
[Sandy] No disrespect,
but just because you've succeeded at something
doesn't mean you can teach it.
So, you think someone who has failed at something should teach it?
Walter Alston played one game in the major leagues,
had one at bat, and he struck out.
As the manager of the Los Angeles Dodgers, he won four World Series.
So, now you are Walter Alston?
No. I won a Tony. He never won a Tony.
Are you saying you wouldn't want a golf lesson from Tiger Woods?
I'm telling you I would rather get a lesson from his father,
the guy that taught him.
So my years of experience have no value?
No, no. I'm just saying success doesn't make you a good teacher.
Being able to instruct, inspire,
and motivate people, that's what makes you a good teacher.
[Margaret] I have a question!
Instead of arguing, maybe you guys could do something together?
Maybe some improv?
[chuckles] What do you think we've been doing?
- [Sandy chuckles] You feel like we got it? - [Morgan] I think so.
And scene.
[all laughing]
[theme music playing]
"Evan Almighty" on three!
- I see me. - Yeah!
[all laughing]
They're all Margaret's friend now.
Yeah. Funny how that works.
He's no spring chicken, but he is still doable.
Oh, Mom. [chuckles]
Look at him.
He's like a tall Fudgsicle.
You wanna lick him all over.
You got no filter, do you?
I say what I think.
If others don't like it, they're free to say what they think.
- Go ahead. - Ugh!
- [chuckles] - Oh.
- [car horn honks] - That's Martin. I gotta go.
- Why didn't he come tonight? - He, uh, had to run an errand.
What kind of errand is more important than MasterClass Morgan?
- [Mindy] Where are you going? - I'm gonna go find out.
- Morgan, I'll be right back. - [Morgan] Okay.
Ugh, damn.
Come on.
[horn honks]
Porsche 911 GT3.
I can see.
[engine revving]
- [car door opens] - [Martin chuckles, groans]
- Go ahead. Say it. - [Martin] Yep. I can... Okay.
- No need. - [Martin] Little snug.
[grunts]
[groans]
As snug as a bug.
Oh, boy. Oh! Oh! Upsy-daisy!
[chuckles] Okay. I'm okay. Oh!
He does save money on shoes.
[Martin] Whoo! Not a problem. Okay.
Yeah. Just, uh, takes a little getting used to.
[taps on car]
[Sandy] Can you believe this?
Hundred-thousand-dollar car, in the slow lane, under the speed limit.
It's how drunks drive when there's a cop behind them.
I'm sorry.
I feel like this is my doing.
You're not gonna let me off the hook?
Water under the bridge.
[inhales] A ten-million-dollar bridge.
What'd you say to him back there?
I said, if he spent one more penny of Mindy's inheritance, I'd kill him.
[laughs]
Very funny.
That's what he said.
If you spend one more penny
of Mindy's inheritance, I'm gonna kill you.
[chuckles] Very funny.
You need to know I'm willing to die in prison.
- [chuckles] Sandy, come on. - I mean, I can teach acting anywhere.
Would you feel better knowing it's just a lease?
I told the sales girl I was a retired schoolteacher.
She gave me very favorable terms.
I don't care if she dipped that thing in K-Y Jelly and slid it up your ass.
That money was meant to provide a safety net for my kid.
Okay, first of all, that's a horrible, vaguely homophobic image.
Second of all, relax. You've got nothing to worry about here.
So there won't be any more dumbass purchases?
Well... well...
Don't make me ask.
Okay. Yes.
Yes, there was also, additionally, uh,
a 100-inch ultra-high-def LED TV screen with a state-of-the-art surround system.
You fucking kidding... Are you kidding me?
You got a tiny little house. Where are you gonna put a 100-inch TV?
In the home theater that I was planning to build in the backyard.
[inhales]
It'll happen in your sleep, you know. You won't wake up.
Okay. Listen, I... I...
You know, everything's still in a box. I can return it.
And the home theater?
Haven't even broken ground yet.
Martin, this has to stop now, right now.
Understood. I hear you.
- I mean, do you? - Mm-hmm. Yeah.
- There are worse things than murder. - [chuckles] Like what?
I can call your mother.
I don't think you would do that.
Estelle Schneider, Sunrise Village, Scottsdale, Arizona.
- How do you know that? - Asshole, she teaches cha-cha on TikTok.
I do love that you're so protective of Mindy.
- That girl is the best of both of us. - Yeah.
What? Uh, she is.
Oh, I... I agree, uh...
I was just thinking how...
how weird it is to
like you.
[laughs]
[both chuckle]
Oh, well, uh...
I like you too.
Really?
Yeah.
I'm enjoying, uh, this, uh, time together.
Good.
[chuckles] Who would've figured it?
Oh, the nights I laid awake wishing you dead.
I never wanted that for you.
- No? - Oh, no. Dead is dead.
I wanted you to suffer.
Can you be more specific?
There are these diseases in Central Africa
that slowly turn your internal organs into a river of shit.
Aw!
Mmm.
- But now we, uh... we like each other. - Yeah.
[clicks tongue] All is forgiven.
No. Not all.
- No? - Oh, think about it.
Okay, but, uh, we like each other.
Right.
- [laughs] - [blows raspberry, chuckles]
[Martin] I promised your dad I wouldn't buy one, but you still can.
What's wrong with the TV we have?
It's not big.
So what?
Uh, hello. Big movies need big TVs!
Well, hello, no, they don't.
[Martin] Okay, if you're gonna be ridiculous...
- [Mindy] Will you keep your voice down? - [Martin] This is how I whisper.
- [Mindy] Why can't you just be happy? - [Martin] I am happy.
I think I've earned the right to enjoy Lawrence of Arabia
in Super Panavision.
[Mindy] What's Super Panavision?
[Martin] Just like Panavision, but it's better.
[Mindy] How?
[Martin] What do you mean, "How?" It's super! It's Super Panavision!
[Mindy] I don't know what that...
[Martin]...fantastic vision!
[over voice mail] Sandy, hi, it's Phoebe.
I was hoping that you could help me out with something.
[clicks tongue] There's a guy I owe some money to,
and, um, he's getting out of jail on Monday.
- And... - [phone beeps]
Thank you, Norman.
- [phone beeps] - Hey, Sandy, it's Robbie Newlander.
I've been thinking. Instead of 25 million,
- how about 11,600... - [phone beeps]
- [exhales] Thank you, Norman. - [phone beeps]
Hi, Sandy, this is, uh, Barry Levinson calling.
We haven't met, but I heard great things about you from Norman Newlander.
I was very sorry to hear about his passing.
You know, he was really one of the good guys.
Anyway, I'm about to start casting on a film,
and I'm looking for a new face that's, uh...
Well, it's kind of an old face.
Jesus, I hope that's not as disrespectful as it sounds.
Anyway, this is my cell phone.
Give me a call, and we'll talk, okay?
Thanks. Bye.
Thank you, Norman.
All right. We got Jack Daniel's and Diet Dr. Pepper.
[clicks tongue] This is terrific.
[sighs] Thank you!
[both laugh]
- Where'd you come up with this concoction? - [sighs deeply]
The truth...
July 4th, 1968.
I'm doing acid with Leonard Cohen, and he got crazy thirsty,
so we went rummaging through Lou Reed's kitchen...
Wait a minute, wait a minute. You're tripping with Leonard Cohen
at Lou Reed's place?
- Yeah. A... a... anyway. - [laughs]
Cross a bottle of Jack and a can of Diet Dr. Pepper.
So, we start drinkin' 'em separately.
It... it's good. It's good. Nothin' to write home about.
And then I realize,
"Hey, man. They're the same color."
[both laugh]
So your minds are blown.
- Cosmic acid epiphany. - [laughing]
We mixed 'em together, took a swallow,
and roared like two cavemen who just discovered fire.
- [laughs] - Lenny wanted to write a song about it.
- Lenny wanted to write a song? - Yeah.
- Thankfully, he never followed through. - [chuckles]
Otherwise, "Bird on the Wire" would've been "Jack on a Pepper"?
[chuckles]
Not as good.
- Cheers. - Cheers.
- Mmm. - Mmm.
[clicks tongue]
Ah. So, enough about why I can't remember the '60s.
Yeah?
Tell me about, uh, you and Norman. Was he your agent?
No, no, no. When I first came out to LA, you know, I didn't know
what I was gonna do, and we ran into one another,
and, over the years, we just stayed in touch.
[clicks tongue] You know, Norman was your biggest fan.
[chuckles]
Why would I know that?
Never told you?
[inhales deeply] No.
Huh. [groans]
[clicks tongue, inhales] So, Barry, what's... what's your movie about?
[clicks tongue] Well, I've been negotiating
with the Hemingway estate.
[clicks tongue] Finally, I got the rights
to do a remake of The Old Man and the Sea.
- Oh, wow. - Yeah.
- And you want me to play the sea? - [chuckles]
- Norman warned me about you. - Sorry. I'm sorry.
[Barry laughs]
But the sea, uh, is a costar.
Sort of a living entity.
Uh, h... how do you mean?
Well, you know, back in the day when Spencer Tracy did the film,
you know, the ocean sequences, to be honest with you, looked very fake.
But with the CGI we have nowadays,
we can make that very realistic.
So, if you take the marlin sequence, if you take the shark sequence,
they can be really terrifying.
Ev... even with the shitty effects, I remember loving that movie.
Me too. Absolutely.
[clicks tongue, inhales deeply]
[sighs] I... I can't believe I'm negotiating against myself,
but why don't you want a big name?
I mean, De Niro, Pacino, Eastwood?
- Mmm, too familiar. - Turned you down, huh?
Mm-hmm. [chuckles]
- [chuckles] - But I gotta be honest with you.
I love the idea, no disrespect,
of going with a complete unknown,
someone the audience has never seen before.
Wait, wait. Hold on. I was Hippie Number Two on Mannix.
[laughing]
- Can't forget that, huh? - Cannot forget that.
So, you're actually offering me the part?
No audition?
That's right. Let me tell you what happened.
I mentioned this to Norman.
Norman immediately sends me a video
of you doing Death of a Salesman at the La Jolla Playhouse.
So, I watch it. I go, "Norman is right."
"This guy is terrific!"
- You'd be perfect for the role. - [sighs]
[sighs] I... I don't know what to say. This is... this is just incredible.
Yes, of... of course.
Barry, thank you.
You're gonna be great.
[exhales]
[clicks tongue] Toast.
[clicks tongue]
[sighs] To my biggest fan.
To your biggest fan.
Mmm, the salt?
[chuckles] There's plenty of salt on that.
Well, I need more.
Do I need to explain to you what salt does to your body?
Yeah, why don't you?
All right. It causes the body to hold on to more water,
which raises the blood pressure,
which puts more strain on the kidneys, the heart, arteries, and the brain.
And, for a man of your age,
is the kiss of death.
- That's pretty scary. - Yes, it is.
- Now, would you please pass me the salt? - [both chuckle]
Thank you. The kiss of death.
- I will not cry at your funeral. - [chuckles]
But you're coming, right?
I wouldn't miss it for the world.
Great.
Make sure you sit in the front row
so I can see your crusty mug from my casket.
[chuckles] You asshole. [Sandy laughs]
Hey, that's what you called me in our wedding vows.
Oh, you called me a hot bitch on wheels.
- The look on your mother's face. - [snorts, laughs]
- [Sandy] Ah. - I am just loving this.
Loving what?
Watching the two of you act like an old married couple.
- Way to ruin the moment. - Yeah, nice going, Mindy.
- We are not old. - [Mindy] Oh.
May I ask, how... how long were you married?
Fourteen years.
Yeah, hey, wow. That's... that's a long time!
Not in a row.
No. I threw him out every so often.
But I kept coming back.
Yes! Begging and pleading for forgiveness.
Forgiveness for what?
Oh. Uh, never mind, never mind.
No, no. That... that's okay.
- Do you mind? - Nah, go ahead.
[clicks tongue]
I was not a good husband.
Got it.
Hey! I... I... I'm still eating.
- Eat shit. - [chuckles] Oh!
Come on. Shit.
[all laughing]
Can I share something with you, just between the two of us?
Sure. What's going on?
[sighs] I was just offered a big part in a movie.
What... That's wonderful!
Why... why would you wanna keep it a secret?
Well, it's still early.
You know, don't tell people you're pregnant till the second trimester.
Okay. Okay, I got you.
But it does look like it could be the real thing.
Great director. Decent budget.
Nah, thanks.
So, your dressing room wouldn't be a gas station bathroom?
[laughing]
- You remember that? - [laughing]
Yeah. No. I might even have my own trailer.
Good!
I'm happy for you.
Thanks.
That means a lot, hearing that from you.
Well... [sighs]
Sandy,
I never thought much of you as a human being,
but I never doubted you as an actor.
[snorts]
Oh, I remember the first time I ever saw you on stage.
I was absolutely smitten.
Shakespeare in the Park?
Othello in blackface.
[laughs] Oh!
I'd like to say it was a more innocent time,
but it may have just been more stupid.
Yeah.
So, when does this movie start?
Pretty soon.
Oh, good. Then I'll get to see it.
Wha... what does that mean? Of course you're gonna get to see it.
[chuckles] Yeah. Yeah, of course.
I'll tell you something else. [sighs]
As excited as I am, I am, uh, scared to death.
Why?
Well, there's a distinct possibility that I might suck.
Oh, please.
You know everything there is to know about acting.
How many... how many people have you taught who've gone on to have great careers?
Exactly. I'm an acting coach.
Oh.
Oh, so you're worried that you're gonna prove the old saying,
"Those who can't do, teach."
Yeah.
- That you'll be outed as a fraud. - Yeah.
A talentless loser masquerading as a fountain of wisdom.
All true. Please stop. [chuckles]
Please stop.
[Roz] Yeah.
You know, honey.
You've paid your dues.
This is your turn.
Kinda late for my turn.
Well, who says?
I don't know. A voice in my head said it.
Ah!
You tell
that voice, next time you hear it,
that your ex-wife said, "Go fuck yourself."
- [chuckles] Thank you. Thank you. - [laughs]
- Do you mind, we sit a minute? - Yeah.
[groans]
- You okay? - Oh yeah.
Yeah, I'm just, uh, still jet-lagged. [chuckles]
[sighs]
So... [sighs]
...is this the kind of conversation you would've had with Norman?
Probably. Yeah.
Although he would've ridiculed me more.
- Oh, I can do that. - Oh no, there's no need.
Oh, I know where every one of your buttons are.
Yes, you do.
Do you remember when you used to have those panic attacks
whenever we went to Walmart or... or Costco?
Yes, I remember.
But what was that? Some kind of agoraphobia?
I... I... I... I don't know. I...
Too many choices! Too many choices! Get me out of here!
- Okay. All right. You know me well. - [laughs]
Boy.
[laughs] You were a mess.
[Sandy] Do you remember when I started crying in Circuit City?
- [both laughing] - [Roz] God! I do.
- [rousing music playing] - [Sandy grunts]
Don't you... don't you dare.
[grunts]
All right, you... All right.
[grunts]
[grumbling]
[grunts]
[gurgling]
No!
You will not deprive me of my victory!
[grunts]
You will not take my fish!
[in high-pitched voice] Damn you!
Damn you, devils!
This fish is mine! Oh, get back!
Go back down!
Get back, I tell you!
[people laughing]
[Sandy in high-pitched voice] What is so funny?
- [laughing continues] - [phone rings]
Whose fucking phone is that?
[ringing continues]
[Barry] Whose phone is that ringing?
[in high-pitched voice] Ugh! Aflac.
- [phone ringing] - [gasps]
[sighs]
[grunts]
Hello?
[Mindy] Something's wrong with Mom.
What?
What do you mean?
What's wrong?
[Mindy crying] She passed out on the bathroom floor!
Oh, Jesus. Is she conscious now?
[Mindy] Barely. Martin's outside waiting for the ambulance.
Okay. All right. I'm leaving now.
I'll meet you at the hospital, all right?
[sighs]
[phone beeps]
Oh, God.
[emotional music playing]
- Can I get you anything? - No.
Cup of coffee?
- Sandy, how about you? - About what?
- Would you like a cup of coffee? - Uh, yeah, that'd be nice, thanks.
You got it.
[sighs]
I don't have any money.
Thank you.
Who walks around with no money in their pocket?
Not now.
Are you the family of Dr. Volander?
Uh, yes, I'm her ex-husband.
- Sorry. That doesn't count. - I'm her daughter.
Better.
Were you aware that she has leukemia?
No.
- [doctor] It's fairly well-advanced. - Uh, but... but treatable, right?
Well, that's a question for a specialist.
All we can do now is give her a transfusion
to increase her red blood cell count.
That's why she had the syncope.
- Syncope? - Loss of consciousness.
You know, your mom's kind of a hero to me.
Really?
When I was in med school, she came to talk to us about Doctors Without Borders.
After my residency, I spent two years with that organization.
Greatest experience of my life. I'm actually thinking of going back.
That's wonderful. Thank you for sharing that.
Yeah, thank you... thank you very much. Thank you.
How did you let a woman like that get away?
Um...
- Well, I... - He wasn't a good husband.
[inhales] We're close now, though. We're... we're buddies.
She's a little groggy, but you can go see her.
Thank you.
Buddies?
Well, we are.
[sighs]
[Martin exhales]
[groans, sighs]
Coffee okay?
I didn't... I didn't know how you take it, so I had to guess.
- Oh, it's fine, thank you. - Okay.
Ooh, and I got your change.
- [Sandy] Thank you. - Here you go.
I... I... I got a cruller.
[groans]
Is it just me,
or do we spend a disproportionate amount of time in hospitals?
Huh?
Just... just saying.
Ah, hello, baby.
[Mindy] Hi, Mom.
[grunts]
[sighs]
He was a bad husband,
but he gave good head.
["Shambala" by Three Dog Night playing]
All right.
♪ Wash away my troubles ♪
♪ Wash away my pain ♪
♪ With the rain in Shambala ♪
♪ Wash away my sorrow ♪
♪ Wash away my shame ♪
♪ With the rain in Shambala ♪
♪ Ah, ooh, yeah ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Ah, ooh, yeah ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Everyone is helpful ♪
♪ Everyone is kind ♪
♪ On the road to Shambala ♪
♪ Everyone is lucky ♪
♪ Everyone is so kind ♪
♪ On the road to Shambala ♪
[song fades out]