[Sandy] Sunday, Monday,
Tuesday, Wednesday,
Thursday,
Friday!
Saturday. g
Mm.
And it's a Sunday...
A Monday. It's a Tuesday. It's a Wednesday. It's a...
"Hey, look, Michael. I'm drivin' the car."
- "No, Apollonia! It's all..." - [mimics explosion]
[chuckles]
Aaah...
[laughs]
Aah...
Oh, shit.
[laughing]
Aah! [mumbles]
[phone vibrates]
[Phoebe] This is so weird.
[Norman] What?
[Phoebe] I have no memory of being here.
Well, sure. You were... You were drunk.
Was Jay Leno at the funeral?
- Yeah. - Oh, good.
I might owe him an amends, too.
All right. Well, I'll leave you to it.
[Phoebe sighs]
Hi, Mom. Guess who?
Um...
I wrote a list of all the things that I did that I'm sorry about.
Can't wait.
All right.
Let's see.
When I was, like, eight, nine years old, I asked you and Dad for a baby brother,
and you said maybe the stork would bring one.
Oh. I remember that.
Yeah, well, I didn't wanna wait for a stork,
so I took a safety pin and I poked a bunch of holes in your diaphragm.
Are you fuckin' kiddin' me?
I'm really sorry.
Okay.
What else?
When I was 13, I gave cousin Jeffrey a hand job at his bar mitzvah.
That was before he was gay. Took forever.
[groans]
When I smoked weed because I had sex with...
Who is she talking to?
I'll give you one guess.
Oh, look at you, multitasking.
[chuckles]
I really think she's gonna make it this time.
- Boy, I hope you're right. - Mm.
[sighs]
Listen, I guess... I guess we should talk about Madelyn.
What about her?
Well, are you okay with it?
Okay with it?
Who do you think made it happen?
- You're kidding! - [scoffs]
When you love somebody, you don't want 'em to be alone.
And all this time I've been wracked with guilt?
That's good. That I like.
I'm proud of you, baby.
That was very brave.
Is there anything else I can do to make amends to you?
Yes.
Make amends to your father.
Oh, I don't think I'm ready to do that.
He's not gonna take it as well as you did.
Give him a chance.
He might surprise you.
Oh, she's done.
Give her a hug.
I love you.
I love you, too.
Go.
Okay?
Okay.
All right. Look, his car's here, so that's reassuring.
How is that reassuring?
He's probably just takin' a nap or makin' out with his gal.
Making out with his gal?
What do you want me to say? He's fucking that divorcée? I'll say it.
No.
- [ringing] - [knocks on door]
Oh, God.
Dad?
Sandy?
- [Mindy gasps] - [all scream]
What?
[sighs]
So, was that helpful?
I think so, yeah.
Good. I'm glad.
You ever feel like Mom's still around?
Like she's lookin' after us?
I do.
Yeah.
It's weird.
She's dead, and somehow I feel closer to her.
Hm. She's tricky that way.
So, listen, I really need to make amends to you too.
That's okay. You were a monster and now you're not.
We're moving on.
Please.
It's part of the program.
It's how I stay sober.
I don't see why I have to be punished, but okay.
Thank you. [sighs]
One question.
How is this gonna be different from all the other times you made amends?
This time, I'm going to tell you everything.
The complete truth.
[groans]
We'll need about two, three hours.
[groans]
- You're gonna need stitches. - No, just a Band-Aid.
This is not a boo-boo.
You're getting stitches.
How the heck did you fall?
I don't know. I must've stood up too fast and got dizzy.
Thank God I came over.
I knew something was wrong.
It's just a little scratch. There's no need to overreact.
Overreact? You passed out for who knows how long,
and then answered the door looking like the Passion of the Christ!
Calm down. It's just a scalp wound.
Well, so was the crown of thorns.
Not the occasion for jokes. All right.
Hey, why... Why are you taking Marinol?
Uh... That... That's just for my acid reflux.
- You sure? - Yes, I'm sure, yeah.
All right. Uh, the only reason I asked is
it's what my mother took when she had cancer.
What for?
It's some kind of synthetic pot, supposed to improve the appetite.
Really? Well, it's also for acid reflux.
You know, I... I don't think so.
- Who cares what you think? - Let me see that.
That was uncalled for.
"As needed for appetite"?
Hm?
What is this?
- It's a, uh... antacid. - Dad!
Okay. Okay. Okay.
It's, uh, for my appetite.
Why? What for?
I have a...
touch of lung cancer.
What?
Oh, no.
It's a small lesion, very treatable.
They caught it early.
- Why didn't you tell me? - I didn't want you to worry!
You've got enough on your plate with this clown.
Well, you... That's nice.
Okay, well,
we're taking you to get stitched up, then you're coming home with us.
Why would I do that?
Because you're not well and obviously can't be here alone.
Why not?
What if you fall again?
I won't fall again,
and I sure as hell am not gonna live with my daughter and her boyfriend.
Sandy, we've got plenty of room.
You stay out of this!
Stayin' out.
Okay, I'm not arguing with you.
Pack a bag and let's get going.
Don't talk to me like I'm your child.
Why not? You're behaving like one.
You wanna take me to get stitches, that's fine,
but then I'm coming back to my house!
You're staying with us.
Make me!
Martin, say something.
He was pretty clear about me staying out of it.
All right. Let's go to the emergency room.
I'll take my car and I'll meet you there.
Get in my car.
Fine. Then I'll Uber home.
- That was so badass. - Whatever.
No "whatever." I was turned on.
[Phoebe] All right. I divided everything into three groups.
The first group is everything that I did
or lied about that are kind of silly, basically...
no big thing, but definitely wrong.
Okay.
The second group is a little tougher.
Still small stuff, but I have a lot of...
shame about.
You feel shame. That's encouraging.
And this last group...
are all the things that I swore I'd never tell you.
You know, your take-to-the-grave items.
So, we'll work our way up to those?
[chuckling] Yeah, let's start off easy.
Sounds good.
Okay. You ready?
- You have the floor. - All right.
[clears throat]
Remember that big bowl of change you kept on top of your dresser?
Yeah.
I stole from it for years. Not a lot.
Fifty cents, a couple of dollars.
Just enough so that you wouldn't notice.
That was you?
I thought it was the maid.
You know I fired her for stealing?
Well...
no.
But remember, I was only a little girl.
You realize what you've done?
Luciana had to go back to Guatemala because I wouldn't give her a reference.
You know what's in Guatemala?
Death squads!
For maids?
For whoever looks at them sideways.
Okay. I think you may be overreacting.
Because of you, I might have blood on my hands.
Dad, it was literally nickels and dimes.
I used it to buy candy.
All this time, I thought I did the right thing.
I thought it was justified.
Well, is it possible that she might have stolen other stuff?
Jesus, this is the easy pile? What's in this one? Ethnic cleansing?
Guess I was wrong.
[Sandy] Okay. Who's next?
Margaret, weren't you supposed to have something for tonight?
Yeah, Lane and I were gonna do a scene from Doubt,
but he's not feeling well.
[hoarsely] I have a little laryngitis.
[chuckles] A little? You sound like Andy Devine.
[all] Who?
It... It's not important.
Lane, as soon as you're better, the stage is all yours.
In the meantime, Margaret, come on down.
I'll do it with you.
Really?
I workshopped the play in La Jolla.
I think I can manage.
Okay.
Bring the playbook in case I have a, uh, senior moment.
By the way, I got the Andy Devine reference.
- Oh. Thank you. - Very clever.
Okay. The confrontation scene between Sister Aloysius...
and Father Flynn?
Yeah.
Okay. Let's see what happens.
Whenever you're ready.
I... I can't do this with you.
Why not?
Because it's you.
[chuckling] Oh!
Well, Margaret,
it is my sincere hope that one day you're gonna walk onto a set or a stage,
find yourself acting opposite Meryl Streep or Robert De Niro or, um...
[Jude] Vin Diesel.
Little known fact, he was the voice of the Iron Giant.
Uh... Thank you.
Uh-huh.
[Sandy] The point is, all actors are nervous.
All actors are insecure.
You just gotta trust that you did your work, you're prepared,
and then you go with God, no matter who else is in the scene with you.
All right.
On your own cue.
[sniffs]
[sighs]
You can't distract me, Father Flynn.
This isn't about my behavior. It's about yours.
It's about your unfounded suspicions.
That's right. I have suspicions.
You know what I haven't understood through all this?
Why do you suspect me? What have I done?
You gave that boy wine to drink, and you let him take the blame.
That's completely untrue. Did you talk to Mr. McGinn?
[Margaret] All McGinn knows is the boy drank wine.
He doesn't know how he came to drink it.
Did his mother have something to add to that?
No.
There's nothing there.
I am not satisfied.
Well, if you're not satisfied, then ask the boy.
No. He'd protect you. That's what he's been doing.
Oh!
- And why would he do that? - Because you have seduced him.
You're insane!
You have it in your head that I've corrupted this child
by giving him wine,
and nothing I say will change that.
That's right.
But correct me if I'm wrong.
This has nothing to do with the wine. Not really.
You have a fundamental mistrust of me before this incident.
It was you that warned Sister James
to be on the lookout, wasn't it?
That's true.
- So you admit it. - Certainly.
Then what is it?
What?
What did you hear?
What did you see that convinced you so thoroughly?
What does it matter?
I want to know.
On the first day of the school year,
I saw you touch William London's wrist.
And I saw him pull away.
- That's all? - That was all.
But that's nothing!
This morning, before I spoke with Mrs. Muller,
I took the precaution of calling the last parish
to which you were assigned.
Well, what did he say?
I did not speak to the pastor.
I spoke to one of the nuns.
You should have spoken to the pastor.
I spoke to a nun.
That's not the proper route for you to have taken, Sister.
The church is very clear.
You're supposed to go through the pastor.
Why? Do you have an understanding, you and he?
Father Flynn, you have a history.
You have no right to go rummaging through my past.
This is your third parish in five years.
I have not touched a child.
You have!
You have not the slightest proof of anything.
But I have my certainty.
And armed with that, I will go to your last parish
and the one before that if necessary.
I will find a parent, Father Flynn.
Trust me, I will.
A parent who probably doesn't know that you are still working with children!
And once I do that, you will be exposed.
You may even be attacked.
Metaphorically or otherwise.
You have no right to act on your own.
You are a member of a religious order.
You have taken vows, obedience being one of them.
You answer to us.
You have no right to step outside of the Church.
I will step outside the Church if that is what needs to be done,
though the door should shut behind me!
I will do what needs to be done, Father,
if it means I am damned to hell!
You should understand that.
Or you will mistake me.
End scene.
[Sandy] Whoo!
I forgot I was acting!
That's called acting.
Okay. That's it, everyone. See you next week.
Thank you.
Please don't give up.
You can beat this.
[Martin] That's so good!
Wh... How are you not a movie star?
- It's a mystery. - I'll say.
Hey, oh, before I forget, Mindy wanted me to give you this.
- What is it? - It's a Life Alert necklace.
You know, "I've fallen and I can't get up!"
You hit the button, help is on the way.
You've gotta be kidding.
No, she... she got you a three-year subscription.
Hey, you can... you can fall and call
to your heart's content, there's no extra charge.
I don't want this, Martin.
- Why not? - It's for old people.
Sandy... [laughs]
I don't want it.
- Here. - Okay.
All right. So, I'll have two.
But I would like to extend the offer again to come live with us.
Thank you. And I would like to say again,
not a fuckin' chance.
Because you have your pride.
Yes, because I've got my pride.
Pride goeth before the fall, Sandy.
And if I'm not mistaken, you fell.
The doc said that was because I was anemic,
and as long as I take my iron supplements, I should be fine.
[sighs]
Please take the fuckin' necklace.
Did Mindy put you up to this?
Uh... Sh...
Please take the fuckin' necklace.
You tell her from me that I'm fully capable of taking care of myself.
No, no, no. I'm gonna tell her I gave you a very persuasive argument
and you... you needed more time to think about it.
Okay. Fine.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm making dinner for my lady friend.
Which I couldn't do if I was living with my daughter
and her cardiac patient boyfriend.
Oh. Nice. Yeah. At least when I go, I go quick.
You'll linger.
Asshole.
[Lisa] Really? I don't remember you having a freckle there.
Oh, yeah, it was a weird shape,
so my dermatologist burned it off with a laser.
You know, to be safe.
Can't believe I never noticed it before.
I don't know what to tell you.
When's the last time you had your eyes checked?
[laughs] Couple of months ago.
Well, we're getting older, things happen fast.
Mm.
I guess so.
Ooh!
Can I help you do anything?
Uh. you can pour me a glass of wine, if you like.
You got it.
When did you learn to cook?
When I was a struggling actor in New York.
Couldn't afford taking a girl to dinner, so I had to get creative.
[chuckles] So chicken piccata got you laid?
[chuckles] Chicken piccata, coq au vin...
- Ooh! - Linguine and clams.
Hm.
It's actually pretty smart.
Well, we'll see if it works tonight.
Sandy?
Sandy!
[Lisa] Dermatologist?
- You're a fuckin' liar. - Now do you think you should live with me?
Get my eyes checked. Things happen fast at your age.
Martin, go to his house,
pack up his clothes, his toothbrush, whatever he needs,
- and bring it to our place. - I...
I really think this is more of a family issue.
Here. Go.
Martin, you touch my stuff and I'll kill you.
Okay. Now, you both... You're really... You're testing my love here.
When were you gonna tell me you had cancer?
- I don't know. Never. - Why?
Who wants to be with a guy who's got cancer?
Who wants to be with a guy that lies?
Well, lots of girls.
[chuckles] He's not wrong.
I'm just sayin'.