1 00:00:44,941 --> 00:00:46,182 Come on. 2 00:00:53,074 --> 00:00:54,815 How's it goin' in there? 3 00:00:54,909 --> 00:00:57,117 Why? You got somewhere to be? 4 00:00:57,203 --> 00:00:59,536 No, you've just... You've been in there a while. 5 00:00:59,831 --> 00:01:02,448 What can I tell you? I urinate in Morse code. 6 00:01:02,542 --> 00:01:03,999 Dots and dashes. 7 00:01:08,256 --> 00:01:10,714 - Hey. - Hey. Just checking in. 8 00:01:10,800 --> 00:01:12,587 No, we're okay. 9 00:01:12,677 --> 00:01:15,260 I gave him some soup, and I'm trying to get him to sleep. 10 00:01:15,680 --> 00:01:17,512 You should probably just spend the night. 11 00:01:17,599 --> 00:01:19,636 No, no. He-he-he'll be fine. 12 00:01:19,726 --> 00:01:22,514 - Dad. - Mindy, I've got this. 13 00:01:23,146 --> 00:01:25,354 Hey, did you drop off Lisa yet? 14 00:01:26,733 --> 00:01:28,725 Yeah. Why? 15 00:01:28,818 --> 00:01:29,858 No reason. 16 00:01:29,944 --> 00:01:32,812 Just when you see her again, try and talk me up a little. 17 00:01:33,448 --> 00:01:34,734 I want her to like me. 18 00:01:37,410 --> 00:01:39,618 You want her to like you? 19 00:01:39,704 --> 00:01:41,491 What are you, in ninth grade? 20 00:01:41,956 --> 00:01:43,663 Come on, help me out here. 21 00:01:43,750 --> 00:01:46,868 Are you worried I might tell her about how Mom tried 22 00:01:46,961 --> 00:01:49,419 to run you over in the Gelson's parking lot? 23 00:01:49,505 --> 00:01:51,212 Right. Or why. 24 00:01:51,633 --> 00:01:55,047 Relax. I'll make sure she knows what a great guy you are. 25 00:01:55,136 --> 00:01:56,297 Thanks. 26 00:01:56,721 --> 00:01:58,032 All right, let me wrap things up here 27 00:01:58,056 --> 00:01:59,256 and I'll talk to you tomorrow. 28 00:01:59,307 --> 00:02:01,094 Okay. Bye. 29 00:02:03,394 --> 00:02:05,852 Why? 30 00:02:05,938 --> 00:02:08,521 He wasn't around much when I was growing up. It's payback. 31 00:02:08,608 --> 00:02:10,395 Oh. 32 00:02:11,986 --> 00:02:14,273 You think maybe you should call Phoebe? 33 00:02:14,364 --> 00:02:15,444 It's 1:00 a.m. in New York. 34 00:02:15,490 --> 00:02:18,403 A phone call at 1:00 a.m. is only bad news. 35 00:02:18,493 --> 00:02:21,577 Well, this is kind of bad news, Norman. 36 00:02:21,663 --> 00:02:23,404 Let her sleep. I'll call in the morning. 37 00:02:23,498 --> 00:02:25,058 Are you sure? It's her mother, you know? 38 00:02:25,583 --> 00:02:26,583 I know it's her mother! 39 00:02:26,668 --> 00:02:28,188 You don't think I know it's her mother? 40 00:02:28,670 --> 00:02:30,707 Okay, okay, take it easy. 41 00:02:30,797 --> 00:02:32,441 Would you like to take a guess at how many times 42 00:02:32,465 --> 00:02:34,627 Phoebe came to visit while Eileen was sick? 43 00:02:34,717 --> 00:02:36,208 No, no, I wouldn't, no. 44 00:02:36,302 --> 00:02:38,760 Zero! Not once! 45 00:02:38,846 --> 00:02:41,714 Not even a-a, uh-uh, a thing. 46 00:02:41,808 --> 00:02:44,596 - The, uh, what is it called? - What's what called? 47 00:02:44,686 --> 00:02:46,406 The computer thing where you see the person. 48 00:02:46,437 --> 00:02:48,850 - Uh, FaceTime? - No, no. The other one. 49 00:02:48,940 --> 00:02:50,397 - The made-up word. - Skype. 50 00:02:50,483 --> 00:02:53,772 Skype. Yeah, that. Not even a Skype! 51 00:02:53,861 --> 00:02:56,774 - What a stupid word. - Well, I, uh, I'm sorry. 52 00:02:56,864 --> 00:02:58,526 You know, I didn't know that. I... 53 00:02:58,616 --> 00:03:00,733 Of course you didn't know. We're civilized people. 54 00:03:00,827 --> 00:03:02,989 We keep our shame and suffering to ourselves. 55 00:03:03,079 --> 00:03:05,321 Where it belongs, sure. 56 00:03:05,415 --> 00:03:07,498 You still think I should wake my daughter 57 00:03:07,583 --> 00:03:09,040 from her Ambien-induced coma 58 00:03:09,127 --> 00:03:10,868 and share the news of her mother's passing? 59 00:03:10,962 --> 00:03:12,419 Maybe buy her a plane ticket 60 00:03:12,505 --> 00:03:15,418 so we could come back and grieve together? 61 00:03:16,217 --> 00:03:18,459 Well, I feel like you're looking for a "no." 62 00:03:20,179 --> 00:03:22,967 It's my own damn fault. I spoiled her rotten. 63 00:03:23,057 --> 00:03:26,346 Now she's a selfish, pill-popping mess. 64 00:03:26,769 --> 00:03:28,180 The one smart thing you ever did 65 00:03:28,271 --> 00:03:30,433 was not buy your daughter an Arabian horse. 66 00:03:31,441 --> 00:03:34,275 Oh, that's... that's very kind of you to say so. 67 00:03:35,403 --> 00:03:36,985 Uh, you know, I, uh, I went through 68 00:03:37,071 --> 00:03:38,858 a couple of tough years with Mindy. 69 00:03:38,948 --> 00:03:41,110 Uh, you know, we're closer than ever now. 70 00:03:41,951 --> 00:03:43,863 And I'm supposed to take from that what? 71 00:03:44,328 --> 00:03:46,945 Never mind. Just get in bed. 72 00:03:47,039 --> 00:03:48,621 I'll, uh, I'll tuck you in. 73 00:03:48,708 --> 00:03:50,700 You'll tuck me in? 74 00:03:50,793 --> 00:03:52,159 Get in the fucking bed. 75 00:03:52,670 --> 00:03:55,128 Profanity, you know, is a sign of a lazy mind. 76 00:03:55,465 --> 00:03:56,797 I'm sorry. 77 00:03:56,883 --> 00:03:59,045 Please... get into bed. 78 00:03:59,427 --> 00:04:02,135 - Much better. - You miserable fuck. 79 00:04:07,852 --> 00:04:09,343 Lazy mind. 80 00:04:11,397 --> 00:04:12,933 Are you going home? 81 00:04:16,068 --> 00:04:19,482 "But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? 82 00:04:19,572 --> 00:04:23,191 It is the east, and Juliet is the sun." 83 00:04:24,911 --> 00:04:26,368 What? 84 00:04:26,454 --> 00:04:28,537 Yeah, I was going home. Why? 85 00:04:29,290 --> 00:04:30,701 Um... 86 00:04:30,792 --> 00:04:32,374 No reason. Just asking. 87 00:04:33,294 --> 00:04:35,251 - Well, you want me to stay? - No, of course not. 88 00:04:35,338 --> 00:04:37,455 If you want me to stay, I'm happy to stay here. 89 00:04:37,924 --> 00:04:39,290 You're happy. 90 00:04:39,842 --> 00:04:41,583 Aren't you a lucky man? 91 00:04:45,264 --> 00:04:46,471 Norman... 92 00:04:47,934 --> 00:04:50,267 Keep it down! I have neighbors. 93 00:04:55,233 --> 00:04:58,271 Why don't I sleep here tonight, in case you need anything? 94 00:04:58,361 --> 00:05:00,569 I won't need anything, but thank you. 95 00:05:00,655 --> 00:05:02,191 I appreciate it. 96 00:05:05,493 --> 00:05:06,779 Sure. 97 00:05:16,379 --> 00:05:18,336 I'm locked out! 98 00:05:18,422 --> 00:05:20,038 Try the back door! 99 00:05:34,438 --> 00:05:35,599 Sandy. 100 00:05:35,690 --> 00:05:36,726 Sandy. 101 00:05:37,817 --> 00:05:39,683 - We have to plan the funeral. - What? 102 00:05:39,777 --> 00:05:41,171 Eileen left instructions. 103 00:05:41,195 --> 00:05:42,731 We need to get started. Come on. 104 00:05:42,822 --> 00:05:44,859 - What time is it? Wha... - It's 4:30. 105 00:05:45,324 --> 00:05:46,986 She wants Jay Leno to emcee 106 00:05:47,076 --> 00:05:49,284 and Patti LaBelle to sing "Lady Marmalade." 107 00:05:49,370 --> 00:05:51,578 - "Lady Marmalade"? - Yes. It was her favorite. 108 00:05:53,666 --> 00:05:56,750 Can't we do this in the morning? Look, you can go back to sleep. 109 00:05:56,836 --> 00:05:57,997 No. She was very specific. 110 00:05:58,087 --> 00:06:00,079 No, I-I-I understand that, Norman. 111 00:06:00,172 --> 00:06:02,164 No, don't worry about it. 112 00:06:02,258 --> 00:06:05,592 She wants to be buried in an unpretentious coffin. 113 00:06:05,678 --> 00:06:08,921 Preferably driftwood or recycled timber from a sunken ship. 114 00:06:10,099 --> 00:06:12,512 Oh, fun. A scavenger hunt. 115 00:06:13,311 --> 00:06:15,724 Ah... 116 00:06:15,813 --> 00:06:17,349 You're peeing like me. 117 00:06:18,357 --> 00:06:20,269 Now, about Jay Leno. 118 00:06:20,359 --> 00:06:22,045 She loves him but says he shouldn't be allowed 119 00:06:22,069 --> 00:06:23,401 to go on too long. 120 00:06:23,487 --> 00:06:25,479 Four or five minutes, he's very enjoyable. 121 00:06:25,573 --> 00:06:26,967 After that, he can wear out his welcome. 122 00:06:26,991 --> 00:06:28,402 Got it. 123 00:06:29,035 --> 00:06:30,276 Everything else is written out. 124 00:06:30,369 --> 00:06:32,406 Guest list, catering, 125 00:06:32,496 --> 00:06:35,364 floral arrangements, valet service. 126 00:06:35,458 --> 00:06:38,701 Even the font for the programming. "Palace Script MT." 127 00:06:38,794 --> 00:06:41,127 - Very elegant. - Yeah. I can see that. 128 00:06:42,757 --> 00:06:44,123 I'm hungry. 129 00:06:45,927 --> 00:06:48,920 Ask Streisand to sing "The Way We Were." 130 00:06:50,890 --> 00:06:53,758 Norman, I don't think Streisand does funerals. 131 00:07:01,692 --> 00:07:03,729 Listen, we really need to get started. 132 00:07:04,153 --> 00:07:06,236 How long is your class? 133 00:07:06,322 --> 00:07:08,042 - Hi, Sandy. - Good morning, ladies. 134 00:07:08,115 --> 00:07:10,027 - It's an hour and a half. - An hour and a half? 135 00:07:10,117 --> 00:07:11,929 You really have that much to teach these people? 136 00:07:11,953 --> 00:07:14,240 As a matter of fact, I do. 137 00:07:14,872 --> 00:07:16,864 Spencer Tracy said, "Know your lines 138 00:07:16,958 --> 00:07:18,369 and don't bump into the furniture." 139 00:07:18,459 --> 00:07:20,826 You make it hard to be your friend, Norman. 140 00:07:20,920 --> 00:07:22,877 I knew Tracy. Mean drunk. 141 00:07:22,964 --> 00:07:25,707 Rumor has it he ate on both sides of the buffet. 142 00:07:25,800 --> 00:07:26,800 - Hey. - Hey. 143 00:07:27,843 --> 00:07:29,709 I'm glad you spent the night. 144 00:07:29,804 --> 00:07:32,012 Uh, why don't you hang out here? 145 00:07:33,182 --> 00:07:34,593 Come here. 146 00:07:34,684 --> 00:07:36,676 - Hi, sweetie. - Hi. 147 00:07:37,895 --> 00:07:40,808 - How you holdin' up? - I'm okay, I guess. 148 00:07:40,898 --> 00:07:42,810 - Keep an eye on him. - Sure. 149 00:07:44,151 --> 00:07:46,484 Is he taking good care of you? 150 00:07:46,570 --> 00:07:48,357 - Yeah. Mmm. - Mm. 151 00:07:48,864 --> 00:07:51,902 Forgive me if I'm not really on my game. Um... 152 00:07:53,744 --> 00:07:56,157 Last night, um... 153 00:07:59,500 --> 00:08:02,288 Last night, I lost a friend to cancer. 154 00:08:02,378 --> 00:08:03,789 And you know, it's-it's strange. 155 00:08:03,879 --> 00:08:06,872 When I was in that hospital room and-and... 156 00:08:06,966 --> 00:08:08,502 ...looking down at a woman 157 00:08:08,592 --> 00:08:11,676 that I've known and loved for more than 40 years... 158 00:08:14,265 --> 00:08:17,133 and I found myself thinking about all of you. 159 00:08:18,102 --> 00:08:20,810 And I'm always telling you to pay attention 160 00:08:20,896 --> 00:08:23,513 to what's going on in your lives, you know? 161 00:08:23,607 --> 00:08:26,441 To experience the feelings that come up... 162 00:08:26,819 --> 00:08:28,481 no matter how painful. 163 00:08:31,699 --> 00:08:32,985 Because... 164 00:08:34,535 --> 00:08:36,447 that grief, that... 165 00:08:38,330 --> 00:08:39,866 that, um... 166 00:08:39,957 --> 00:08:42,370 unrelenting sorrow, 167 00:08:42,460 --> 00:08:43,701 that's the raw material. 168 00:08:43,794 --> 00:08:45,501 That's the gold... 169 00:08:46,172 --> 00:08:50,462 an actor mines to create great performance. 170 00:08:50,551 --> 00:08:53,294 So my tragedy is your gold? 171 00:08:55,264 --> 00:08:56,345 Duly noted. 172 00:08:57,183 --> 00:08:59,516 Sorry. He wanted to watch you teach. 173 00:08:59,602 --> 00:09:02,766 Norman, I'm just trying to explain to my class 174 00:09:02,855 --> 00:09:06,098 that acting is really an extension of living. 175 00:09:06,192 --> 00:09:08,525 It's how we explore what it is to be human. 176 00:09:08,611 --> 00:09:10,603 - Bullshit! - Oh, Jesus. 177 00:09:11,155 --> 00:09:13,317 You know what it's like to be human? 178 00:09:13,407 --> 00:09:15,069 Is that something you wanna know? 179 00:09:15,451 --> 00:09:17,113 Fine, I'll tell you. 180 00:09:17,203 --> 00:09:20,321 It hurts to be human. It hurts like hell. 181 00:09:20,790 --> 00:09:22,622 And all the exploring in the world 182 00:09:22,708 --> 00:09:24,791 doesn't make that hurt go away. 183 00:09:24,877 --> 00:09:27,665 Because being human and being hurt 184 00:09:27,755 --> 00:09:29,792 are the same damn thing. 185 00:09:59,370 --> 00:10:02,329 You look at these prices? What a racket. 186 00:10:03,999 --> 00:10:05,080 Yeah, it's awful. 187 00:10:05,167 --> 00:10:07,409 Could we just pick something and get out of here? 188 00:10:07,503 --> 00:10:09,620 Well, you're not shopping for tube socks, you know? 189 00:10:09,713 --> 00:10:11,170 No, we are not. 190 00:10:11,257 --> 00:10:12,748 You know this is a monopoly, right, 191 00:10:12,842 --> 00:10:13,923 like the sunglass business. 192 00:10:14,009 --> 00:10:16,752 One company controlling the whole thing. 193 00:10:16,846 --> 00:10:19,509 I honestly don't know what to say to that. 194 00:10:19,598 --> 00:10:22,591 What can you say? It's a travesty. 195 00:10:22,685 --> 00:10:25,143 You want a casket made entirely of driftwood? 196 00:10:25,229 --> 00:10:27,061 Or timber from a sunken ship. 197 00:10:27,148 --> 00:10:28,389 Sweet Jesus. 198 00:10:28,732 --> 00:10:30,394 Okay. Uh... 199 00:10:30,943 --> 00:10:32,559 I'm not saying it can't be done, 200 00:10:32,653 --> 00:10:36,192 but it would be a special order which would take some time. 201 00:10:36,282 --> 00:10:38,239 Have you considered bronze or copper? 202 00:10:38,325 --> 00:10:40,908 No. Too impersonal and it's not biodegradable. 203 00:10:40,995 --> 00:10:43,078 Look, um... Woody, 204 00:10:43,664 --> 00:10:45,016 I think what we need here is something 205 00:10:45,040 --> 00:10:47,327 that's, uh, recyclable. 206 00:10:47,418 --> 00:10:49,159 Eco-friendly. I understand. 207 00:10:51,630 --> 00:10:53,121 Is your real name Woodrow? 208 00:10:53,716 --> 00:10:56,379 - Yes. - You should go by that. 209 00:10:56,468 --> 00:10:59,381 It's more dignified for a bereavement counselor. 210 00:10:59,471 --> 00:11:02,088 I suppose, but, uh, 211 00:11:02,183 --> 00:11:04,641 I've just been going by Woody since I'm a kid. 212 00:11:04,727 --> 00:11:06,514 Yeah, well, you're not a kid now, 213 00:11:06,604 --> 00:11:09,847 and no offense, but a guy named Woody selling coffins? 214 00:11:09,940 --> 00:11:11,397 A little on the nose. 215 00:11:12,234 --> 00:11:15,398 So, Woody, you were saying eco-friendly. 216 00:11:15,821 --> 00:11:16,982 Oh, uh, yes. 217 00:11:17,489 --> 00:11:19,151 We have a cardboard model 218 00:11:19,241 --> 00:11:21,733 made in England, 100 percent recyclable. 219 00:11:21,827 --> 00:11:23,489 I'm not burying Eileen in cardboard. 220 00:11:23,996 --> 00:11:25,988 We're just looking at options, Norman. 221 00:11:26,081 --> 00:11:27,947 How about bubble wrap? That's an option. 222 00:11:28,042 --> 00:11:29,874 That's actually not biodegradable. 223 00:11:29,960 --> 00:11:31,326 Woody, stay out of this. 224 00:11:31,921 --> 00:11:33,708 Our alternative is to special order 225 00:11:33,797 --> 00:11:36,039 the driftwood, which will take some time. 226 00:11:36,133 --> 00:11:37,374 No cardboard! 227 00:11:38,135 --> 00:11:39,842 Fine. Then we need other options. 228 00:11:40,179 --> 00:11:41,779 She said driftwood or sunken ship timber! 229 00:11:41,805 --> 00:11:43,091 I know what she said, Norman. 230 00:11:43,182 --> 00:11:45,299 We have very specific instructions! 231 00:11:45,392 --> 00:11:47,930 - Uh, you have to calm down. - Why is this a problem? 232 00:11:48,437 --> 00:11:52,021 Go to the beach, get some wood that drifts up. 233 00:11:52,107 --> 00:11:53,848 and make a driftwood coffin! 234 00:11:54,276 --> 00:11:55,892 I'm afraid it's not that simple. 235 00:11:56,278 --> 00:11:57,485 Okay. You want simple? 236 00:11:57,571 --> 00:11:59,187 Hire a deep-sea diver 237 00:11:59,281 --> 00:12:02,024 to locate a schooner or a pirate ship 238 00:12:02,117 --> 00:12:03,699 and bring up some planks! 239 00:12:03,786 --> 00:12:05,698 Could you excuse us for a minute, please? 240 00:12:05,788 --> 00:12:07,575 - Norman. - What? 241 00:12:09,333 --> 00:12:10,949 What? 242 00:12:11,043 --> 00:12:12,159 - What? - All right, look. 243 00:12:12,253 --> 00:12:13,835 You need to get a grip. 244 00:12:13,921 --> 00:12:16,038 That poor bastard is doing his best to help us 245 00:12:16,131 --> 00:12:17,811 and you, you're acting like a crazy person. 246 00:12:17,841 --> 00:12:18,877 I've got a grip. 247 00:12:19,426 --> 00:12:21,292 Go wait in the car. I'll handle this. 248 00:12:21,387 --> 00:12:24,175 Really? Wait in the car? What am I, a child? 249 00:12:24,265 --> 00:12:26,257 Right now, yes! Now go get in the car. 250 00:12:26,350 --> 00:12:28,387 - We have instructions! - Go! 251 00:12:33,774 --> 00:12:35,857 I'm sorry about that. 252 00:12:35,943 --> 00:12:38,686 It's okay. It's a very emotional time. 253 00:12:38,779 --> 00:12:41,522 Cardboard boxes are what you put a houseplant in 254 00:12:41,615 --> 00:12:43,857 when you don't want it to leak in your car! 255 00:12:50,749 --> 00:12:52,206 All right, what do we got? 256 00:12:53,085 --> 00:12:55,828 This is a scene from a spec TV pilot I wrote. 257 00:12:55,921 --> 00:12:57,833 Original piece. Okay, that's good. 258 00:12:57,923 --> 00:13:00,666 - What's it called? - "Incestuously Yours." 259 00:13:00,759 --> 00:13:02,341 It's a comedy. 260 00:13:02,428 --> 00:13:04,715 About incest, that's brave. 261 00:13:04,805 --> 00:13:06,967 But without jokes. 262 00:13:07,641 --> 00:13:08,641 So no laughing. 263 00:13:09,143 --> 00:13:10,143 Hopefully not. 264 00:13:10,936 --> 00:13:13,098 Wow, okay. 265 00:13:13,188 --> 00:13:14,188 Let's see it. 266 00:13:23,532 --> 00:13:26,070 - Hey. - Hey. 267 00:13:26,160 --> 00:13:27,901 Did mom say when she's gonna be home? 268 00:13:27,995 --> 00:13:30,328 Do me a favor. 269 00:13:30,414 --> 00:13:31,825 Please don't call her "Mom." 270 00:13:31,915 --> 00:13:33,531 Sis, you've really 271 00:13:33,625 --> 00:13:34,786 gotta get over that. 272 00:13:34,877 --> 00:13:36,664 She's my mom, not yours. 273 00:13:37,004 --> 00:13:39,564 Yeah, well, when she married our father, she became my mom. 274 00:13:39,631 --> 00:13:42,339 Are you listening to yourself? You're being such a jerk. 275 00:13:42,426 --> 00:13:43,883 And you're a bitch! 276 00:13:43,969 --> 00:13:45,926 A bitch who sucks your cock! 277 00:13:50,434 --> 00:13:53,142 Whoa! Whoa! Okay! Okay! All right. 278 00:13:53,228 --> 00:13:55,094 Time out. Time out. Hold on. 279 00:13:55,939 --> 00:13:59,603 Okay, um... 280 00:13:59,693 --> 00:14:03,437 First of all, Darshani, kudos for writing the pilot. 281 00:14:03,530 --> 00:14:06,989 Takes a lot of work, and I wanna encourage the effort. 282 00:14:07,076 --> 00:14:08,283 It wasn't hard. 283 00:14:08,369 --> 00:14:09,971 - I wrote it over the weekend. - Well, regardless... 284 00:14:09,995 --> 00:14:11,715 And you told us if the parts we want to play 285 00:14:11,747 --> 00:14:13,475 aren't out there, then we should just write them ourselves. 286 00:14:13,499 --> 00:14:15,491 - I did say that. - This really happened to me. 287 00:14:15,584 --> 00:14:17,020 - I have no doubt about that... - And... 288 00:14:17,044 --> 00:14:18,876 Just stop talking. 289 00:14:18,962 --> 00:14:19,962 Stop talking! 290 00:14:27,888 --> 00:14:29,720 I'm sorry. Uh... 291 00:14:29,807 --> 00:14:31,764 Honey, the whole point of doing this work 292 00:14:31,850 --> 00:14:33,591 is to dig into our feelings 293 00:14:33,685 --> 00:14:38,271 to see how it translates into actions that we take... 294 00:14:38,357 --> 00:14:39,598 Our behavior. 295 00:14:41,652 --> 00:14:43,985 I really don't know what you're talking about. 296 00:14:45,322 --> 00:14:48,486 Well, what I want to see is how you feel 297 00:14:48,575 --> 00:14:51,534 about being in a blended family. 298 00:14:53,539 --> 00:14:54,655 It's okay. 299 00:14:55,749 --> 00:14:58,162 What do you mean, that's it? It's-it's-it's just okay? 300 00:14:59,044 --> 00:15:01,252 Except for fucking my half-brother, 301 00:15:01,338 --> 00:15:02,874 it's pretty traditional. 302 00:15:09,388 --> 00:15:10,629 We're doomed. 303 00:15:15,686 --> 00:15:18,224 - Yeah? - It's Lisa. Got a minute? 304 00:15:18,313 --> 00:15:20,020 Yeah, sure. Come on in. 305 00:15:21,984 --> 00:15:23,020 Hey. 306 00:15:23,735 --> 00:15:26,398 I kinda lost it in there, didn't I? 307 00:15:27,406 --> 00:15:28,613 Kinda. 308 00:15:29,074 --> 00:15:31,236 Some of these kids, they've got no shame. 309 00:15:32,119 --> 00:15:34,611 Well, I think it's all the social media. 310 00:15:34,705 --> 00:15:36,992 I mean, they grow up sharing everything with everybody. 311 00:15:37,082 --> 00:15:38,994 No, no, I think it started earlier. 312 00:15:39,084 --> 00:15:40,620 You know who I blame? 313 00:15:40,711 --> 00:15:42,828 - Bill Clinton. - Really. 314 00:15:43,547 --> 00:15:48,087 When blow jobs ceased to be sex, our civilization was over. 315 00:15:50,596 --> 00:15:51,596 You want a drink? 316 00:15:52,264 --> 00:15:55,132 Uh... no, thanks. 317 00:15:55,225 --> 00:15:58,013 I just, uh, just wanted to check on you. 318 00:15:58,103 --> 00:15:59,890 Well, thank you, you know. 319 00:15:59,980 --> 00:16:02,188 I'm okay. A little tired, and... 320 00:16:03,025 --> 00:16:04,545 Well, how's it going with Norman? 321 00:16:04,818 --> 00:16:07,435 It's going. It's just kicking the shit out of me. 322 00:16:07,946 --> 00:16:09,187 Mm. 323 00:16:11,116 --> 00:16:12,778 Uh, well, I'm sure he's very grateful. 324 00:16:13,327 --> 00:16:14,738 Oh, you'd be wrong. 325 00:16:14,828 --> 00:16:15,828 Sit down. 326 00:16:16,330 --> 00:16:18,367 I did find a guy from Santa Cruz 327 00:16:18,457 --> 00:16:20,119 who makes coffins out of driftwood, 328 00:16:20,209 --> 00:16:21,916 so, I mean, that's something, right? 329 00:16:22,002 --> 00:16:23,868 Nice. Yeah. 330 00:16:23,962 --> 00:16:26,045 And amazingly, 331 00:16:26,131 --> 00:16:28,339 the funeral arrangements are coming together, 332 00:16:28,425 --> 00:16:30,838 but the real question is whether Norman's daughter 333 00:16:30,928 --> 00:16:31,928 is gonna show up. 334 00:16:32,387 --> 00:16:33,673 How can that even be a question? 335 00:16:33,764 --> 00:16:36,097 There was a lot of bad blood between her and Eileen. 336 00:16:36,183 --> 00:16:39,517 Oh, yeah. Well, hmm, mothers and daughters, just... 337 00:16:39,853 --> 00:16:42,095 Oh, you've got some experience with that? 338 00:16:42,189 --> 00:16:43,976 Well, I have a mother, 339 00:16:44,066 --> 00:16:45,728 who I hate with a red-hot passion. 340 00:16:45,817 --> 00:16:48,275 So, yeah, a little bit. 341 00:16:48,946 --> 00:16:50,687 A little fucking bit. 342 00:16:53,367 --> 00:16:54,448 Mmm. 343 00:16:54,993 --> 00:16:56,985 You wouldn't be interested in coming with me? 344 00:16:57,871 --> 00:16:59,407 You're inviting me to a funeral? 345 00:17:00,541 --> 00:17:02,624 Our first date wound up in a hospital. 346 00:17:02,709 --> 00:17:04,746 Seems like a natural next step. 347 00:17:06,421 --> 00:17:08,663 Gee, I don't know, Sandy. Uh... 348 00:17:09,049 --> 00:17:10,881 Are you sure? 349 00:17:10,968 --> 00:17:13,881 Patti LaBelle is singing "Lady Marmalade," 350 00:17:13,971 --> 00:17:15,678 "Lady Marmaduke," whatever the hell it is. 351 00:17:15,764 --> 00:17:18,347 Jay Leno, he's gonna be the emcee. 352 00:17:18,433 --> 00:17:20,049 And not to gild the lily, 353 00:17:20,143 --> 00:17:24,934 but you might have a front-row seat to Ms. Barbra Streisand. 354 00:17:27,067 --> 00:17:28,524 Damn it. 355 00:17:30,028 --> 00:17:36,116 ♪♪ Creole lady Marmalade ♪♪ 356 00:17:46,295 --> 00:17:48,332 Does this seem inappropriate to you? 357 00:17:48,422 --> 00:17:51,165 Oh, this is nothing. Wait'll you see the drag queen. 358 00:17:52,426 --> 00:17:57,592 ♪♪ Lady Marmalade ♪♪ 359 00:17:57,681 --> 00:18:01,675 ♪♪ Marmalade ♪♪ 360 00:18:01,768 --> 00:18:06,638 ♪♪ Whoa whoa who-ah-ah-aah ♪♪ 361 00:18:06,732 --> 00:18:10,396 ♪♪ Now he's back home doing nine to five ♪♪ 362 00:18:10,485 --> 00:18:14,024 ♪♪ Living his gray flannel life ♪♪ 363 00:18:14,114 --> 00:18:16,948 ♪♪ But when he turns off to sleep... ♪♪ 364 00:18:17,034 --> 00:18:18,900 - You doin' okay? - Yeah, I'm fine. 365 00:18:18,994 --> 00:18:20,906 ♪♪ More more... ♪♪ 366 00:18:20,996 --> 00:18:23,204 Don't worry, she's gonna be here. 367 00:18:23,290 --> 00:18:24,531 Hope so. 368 00:18:25,208 --> 00:18:27,575 ♪♪ Whoo-hoo ya ya ♪♪ 369 00:18:27,669 --> 00:18:30,127 ♪♪ Gitcho gitcho ya yas here... ♪♪ 370 00:18:30,547 --> 00:18:31,858 Did you tell Jay to keep it short? 371 00:18:31,882 --> 00:18:36,217 ♪♪ Mocha-choco-lata ya ya ♪♪ 372 00:18:36,303 --> 00:18:42,595 ♪♪ Creole Lady Marmalade ♪♪ 373 00:18:42,684 --> 00:18:45,643 ♪♪ Whoaaa ♪♪ 374 00:18:45,729 --> 00:18:52,729 ♪♪ Whoa-ooh ♪♪ 375 00:19:09,211 --> 00:19:11,749 Goodbye, baby. I'm gonna miss you. 376 00:19:13,924 --> 00:19:15,085 And Norman... 377 00:19:15,592 --> 00:19:17,925 it is my prayer that the pain 378 00:19:18,011 --> 00:19:20,094 you're experiencing now... 379 00:19:20,180 --> 00:19:23,344 is God's way of transforming you 380 00:19:23,433 --> 00:19:26,551 into a less annoying human being. 381 00:19:29,648 --> 00:19:30,855 She never liked me. 382 00:19:30,941 --> 00:19:32,978 How do you piss off Patti LaBelle? 383 00:19:33,068 --> 00:19:35,401 You call her Roberta Flack. 384 00:19:35,904 --> 00:19:37,664 You know, one of the greatest joys of my life 385 00:19:37,698 --> 00:19:40,281 was having Eileen as a friend. 386 00:19:40,367 --> 00:19:42,404 I remember... 387 00:19:42,494 --> 00:19:46,158 the first time we met, I was a struggling young comic. 388 00:19:46,248 --> 00:19:48,205 I'd just done a set at The Comedy Store. 389 00:19:48,291 --> 00:19:50,032 It, uh... You know... 390 00:19:50,127 --> 00:19:51,584 It did not go well. 391 00:19:52,212 --> 00:19:53,794 But Eileen came up to me afterwards 392 00:19:53,880 --> 00:19:56,497 and she said I was very funny, and she said she, uh, 393 00:19:56,591 --> 00:19:58,423 she saw somethin' in me, you know? 394 00:19:59,094 --> 00:20:00,551 So she sent me to see her husband, 395 00:20:00,637 --> 00:20:04,597 a big-time agent, Norman Newlander, 396 00:20:04,683 --> 00:20:06,720 and, uh, when I say "big-time," 397 00:20:06,810 --> 00:20:09,769 remember, this is the man who discovered Buster Thornton. 398 00:20:11,356 --> 00:20:12,563 Who's Buster Thornton? 399 00:20:12,899 --> 00:20:14,060 Exactly. 400 00:20:16,361 --> 00:20:18,774 Anyway, I'm not in his office five minutes, 401 00:20:18,864 --> 00:20:20,730 he says to me, "You know, your jaw's too big. 402 00:20:20,824 --> 00:20:22,406 You're gonna frighten children." 403 00:20:22,492 --> 00:20:24,700 I said, "I don't-I don't- I don't play for children." 404 00:20:24,786 --> 00:20:27,403 He says, "It doesn't matter. It's distracting. 405 00:20:27,497 --> 00:20:31,286 Oh, and your head, it looks like a piece of urban folk art." 406 00:20:31,376 --> 00:20:32,742 What happened to keeping it short? 407 00:20:32,836 --> 00:20:34,623 You know, folks, I could stand up here 408 00:20:34,713 --> 00:20:38,457 and slam Norman all day until my jaw falls off... 409 00:20:39,342 --> 00:20:40,833 but this is about Eileen, 410 00:20:41,261 --> 00:20:43,218 and per her request, she had a performer 411 00:20:43,305 --> 00:20:46,844 that touched her, well, like no other. 412 00:20:46,933 --> 00:20:48,765 Someone who really needs no introduction. 413 00:20:48,852 --> 00:20:50,263 So, Eileen, 414 00:20:50,353 --> 00:20:52,185 this is for you. 415 00:20:57,402 --> 00:20:59,064 My God, you got her? 416 00:21:00,447 --> 00:21:01,983 Wait for it. 417 00:21:04,868 --> 00:21:08,327 ♪♪ Mm mm hmm ♪♪ 418 00:21:09,706 --> 00:21:11,538 ♪♪ Mm mm hmm ♪♪ 419 00:21:11,625 --> 00:21:18,625 ♪♪ Mm mm hmm hmm ♪♪ 420 00:21:19,466 --> 00:21:21,002 That's a man. 421 00:21:21,092 --> 00:21:22,583 It's what we could get. 422 00:21:25,889 --> 00:21:30,884 ♪♪ Mm hm memories ♪♪ 423 00:21:30,977 --> 00:21:36,439 ♪♪ Light the corners of my mind ♪♪ 424 00:21:38,693 --> 00:21:42,312 ♪♪ Misty water-colored memories... ♪♪ 425 00:21:42,656 --> 00:21:44,443 - Front row. - Yeah. 426 00:21:46,618 --> 00:21:52,159 ♪♪ Of the way we were ♪♪ 427 00:21:52,249 --> 00:21:53,740 He's magnificent. 428 00:21:57,546 --> 00:22:00,914 I want to thank everyone for being here... 429 00:22:01,007 --> 00:22:04,000 to help celebrate the life of a great lady. 430 00:22:04,427 --> 00:22:07,761 I, um, I go back a long way with Eileen. 431 00:22:07,848 --> 00:22:11,592 In fact, I'm the one that introduced her to Norman. 432 00:22:12,352 --> 00:22:14,435 I didn't do it to be nice. Uh... 433 00:22:16,231 --> 00:22:18,223 To be honest, I tried to date her. 434 00:22:20,151 --> 00:22:22,894 I took her out to a fancy dinner, 435 00:22:22,988 --> 00:22:24,229 hoped to get lucky. 436 00:22:25,782 --> 00:22:27,239 I remember, uh, 437 00:22:27,325 --> 00:22:30,363 afterward I walked her to the door 438 00:22:30,453 --> 00:22:32,740 and I went in for a kiss... 439 00:22:32,831 --> 00:22:34,618 and she ducked. 440 00:22:34,708 --> 00:22:37,246 I mean, she actually ducked. 441 00:22:37,335 --> 00:22:39,167 I chipped my tooth on her mezuzah. 442 00:22:41,506 --> 00:22:43,998 Anyway, I had no patience 443 00:22:44,092 --> 00:22:46,926 for women with integrity and self-respect... 444 00:22:48,179 --> 00:22:50,671 so I set her up with Norman. 445 00:22:50,765 --> 00:22:53,098 Let him not get laid. 446 00:22:53,184 --> 00:22:55,346 She made me wait eight months. 447 00:22:55,437 --> 00:22:58,350 There you go. And look what happened. 448 00:22:58,440 --> 00:23:01,774 Since then, I have been in three unhappy, failed marriages 449 00:23:01,860 --> 00:23:04,568 and you've been in one happy one. 450 00:23:05,322 --> 00:23:07,234 Seems like you jerkin' off for a few months 451 00:23:07,324 --> 00:23:08,735 was a solid investment. 452 00:23:11,828 --> 00:23:13,444 But Eileen... 453 00:23:14,372 --> 00:23:16,409 She wasn't just a good match for Norman. 454 00:23:16,499 --> 00:23:18,161 Over time... 455 00:23:18,251 --> 00:23:20,413 she became a good friend to me. 456 00:23:21,713 --> 00:23:23,875 Someone I could always trust 457 00:23:23,965 --> 00:23:25,376 to tell me the truth. 458 00:23:27,010 --> 00:23:29,923 Someone who actually cared about me 459 00:23:30,013 --> 00:23:32,926 even when I didn't deserve caring. 460 00:23:34,643 --> 00:23:36,225 Before she died, 461 00:23:36,311 --> 00:23:37,677 she asked me 462 00:23:37,771 --> 00:23:39,683 to look after this guy here. 463 00:23:41,691 --> 00:23:43,227 At first, I thought she was joking, 464 00:23:43,318 --> 00:23:45,355 and then I realized she wasn't. 465 00:23:46,404 --> 00:23:47,736 Because I thought, 466 00:23:47,822 --> 00:23:49,859 "What a horrible thing to ask me to do." 467 00:23:49,950 --> 00:23:52,488 I mean, you all know him. He's a bit of a dick. 468 00:23:56,039 --> 00:23:57,655 But I'm gonna do it. 469 00:23:58,375 --> 00:24:00,162 I'm gonna honor her wishes... 470 00:24:01,795 --> 00:24:04,208 because you don't say no to a great lady. 471 00:24:06,132 --> 00:24:08,089 And Eileen Newlander... 472 00:24:08,176 --> 00:24:09,792 was... 473 00:24:09,886 --> 00:24:12,424 and will always be a great lady. 474 00:24:23,316 --> 00:24:24,852 Thank you, Sandy. 475 00:24:25,610 --> 00:24:27,171 You know, a friend of mine studied acting 476 00:24:27,195 --> 00:24:30,359 under Sandy for ten years. Ten years. 477 00:24:30,991 --> 00:24:34,029 And after a decade of intensive study, 478 00:24:34,119 --> 00:24:36,156 today I'm proud to say 479 00:24:36,246 --> 00:24:37,908 he's the head waiter at Spago. 480 00:24:41,251 --> 00:24:42,958 Now, that was funny. 481 00:25:02,856 --> 00:25:07,021 The world knew her mostly from her iconic movies 482 00:25:07,110 --> 00:25:10,399 like "Singing in the Rain" and "The Unsinkable Molly Brown," 483 00:25:10,864 --> 00:25:13,823 but to me, she was so much more. 484 00:25:13,908 --> 00:25:16,195 Wait a minute. This was my eulogy for Debbie Reynolds. 485 00:25:16,286 --> 00:25:17,367 Hold on. 486 00:25:18,621 --> 00:25:20,032 Sorry. 487 00:25:20,123 --> 00:25:21,659 Here we go. 488 00:25:22,333 --> 00:25:24,916 That was Eileen's idea. 489 00:25:25,003 --> 00:25:26,710 It's a good joke. 490 00:25:30,175 --> 00:25:31,541 Dear Eileen... 491 00:25:33,178 --> 00:25:36,467 ...we have been husband and wife for 46 years. 492 00:25:37,182 --> 00:25:42,052 In all that time, I have never not been in love with you. 493 00:25:42,145 --> 00:25:44,888 I've been angry with you, confused by you, 494 00:25:44,981 --> 00:25:48,349 even hurt by you, but never not in love. 495 00:25:49,486 --> 00:25:51,318 You were the woman I was looking for 496 00:25:51,404 --> 00:25:53,236 ever since I started looking. 497 00:25:54,991 --> 00:25:59,031 Beautiful, smart, funny, strong, 498 00:25:59,120 --> 00:26:02,238 willing to sleep with me, eventually. 499 00:26:04,000 --> 00:26:05,957 If something good happened to me at work, 500 00:26:06,044 --> 00:26:09,833 it wasn't real until I shared it with you. 501 00:26:09,923 --> 00:26:11,880 If something bad happened, 502 00:26:11,966 --> 00:26:13,628 it was only tolerable 503 00:26:13,718 --> 00:26:16,085 because I had you to complain to. 504 00:26:19,933 --> 00:26:22,175 If I heard a funny joke, my first thought was, 505 00:26:22,268 --> 00:26:25,102 "I cannot wait to tell you, Eileen." 506 00:26:25,188 --> 00:26:27,145 Then I would get to hear your laugh, 507 00:26:27,232 --> 00:26:28,894 or you would roll your eyes 508 00:26:28,983 --> 00:26:31,191 and tell me the joke was a stinker 509 00:26:31,277 --> 00:26:32,893 and we would both laugh. 510 00:26:36,991 --> 00:26:41,827 I honestly do not know how to carry on without you, 511 00:26:41,913 --> 00:26:46,533 but I will because you told me to, in no uncertain terms. 512 00:26:46,626 --> 00:26:48,367 Shit! 513 00:26:49,587 --> 00:26:50,587 Sorry, Dad. 514 00:26:53,466 --> 00:26:54,707 Continue. 515 00:26:57,971 --> 00:27:02,056 Thanks for inviting me. I am having the best time. 516 00:27:13,444 --> 00:27:18,235 ♪♪ Ooh-hoo-hoo ♪♪ ♪♪ Marmalade ♪♪ 517 00:27:18,324 --> 00:27:23,536 ♪♪ Ya here ♪♪ ♪♪ Marmalade ♪♪ 518 00:27:23,621 --> 00:27:27,615 ♪♪ Marmalade ♪♪ 519 00:27:27,709 --> 00:27:32,295 ♪♪ Whoa whoa who-ah-ah-aah ♪♪ 520 00:27:32,380 --> 00:27:36,374 ♪♪ Gitchi gitchi ya ya da da ♪♪ ♪♪ Ooh-hoo ya yay ♪♪ 521 00:27:36,467 --> 00:27:38,959 ♪♪ Gitcho gitcho ya yas here ♪♪ 522 00:27:40,013 --> 00:27:44,724 ♪♪ Say ♪♪ ♪♪ Mocha-choca-lata ya ya ♪♪ 523 00:27:44,809 --> 00:27:51,397 ♪♪ Creole Lady Marmalade ♪♪ ♪♪ Marmalade ♪♪ 524 00:27:51,482 --> 00:27:54,520 ♪♪ Whoaaaa ♪♪ 525 00:27:54,611 --> 00:28:00,073 ♪♪ Whoaa-ooohhh ♪♪ 526 00:28:00,158 --> 00:28:02,491 ♪♪ Whoaaaa ♪♪ 527 00:28:02,577 --> 00:28:08,244 ♪♪ Whoa-haa-ee ♪♪