1
00:00:44,941 --> 00:00:46,182
Come on.
2
00:00:53,074 --> 00:00:54,815
How's it goin' in there?
3
00:00:54,909 --> 00:00:57,117
Why? You got somewhere to be?
4
00:00:57,203 --> 00:00:59,536
No, you've just...
You've been in there a while.
5
00:00:59,831 --> 00:01:02,448
What can I tell you?
I urinate in Morse code.
6
00:01:02,542 --> 00:01:03,999
Dots and dashes.
7
00:01:08,256 --> 00:01:10,714
- Hey.
- Hey. Just checking in.
8
00:01:10,800 --> 00:01:12,587
No, we're okay.
9
00:01:12,677 --> 00:01:15,260
I gave him some soup,
and I'm trying to get him to sleep.
10
00:01:15,680 --> 00:01:17,512
You should probably
just spend the night.
11
00:01:17,599 --> 00:01:19,636
No, no. He-he-he'll be fine.
12
00:01:19,726 --> 00:01:22,514
- Dad.
- Mindy, I've got this.
13
00:01:23,146 --> 00:01:25,354
Hey, did you drop off Lisa yet?
14
00:01:26,733 --> 00:01:28,725
Yeah. Why?
15
00:01:28,818 --> 00:01:29,858
No reason.
16
00:01:29,944 --> 00:01:32,812
Just when you see her again,
try and talk me up a little.
17
00:01:33,448 --> 00:01:34,734
I want her to like me.
18
00:01:37,410 --> 00:01:39,618
You want her to like you?
19
00:01:39,704 --> 00:01:41,491
What are you, in ninth grade?
20
00:01:41,956 --> 00:01:43,663
Come on, help me out here.
21
00:01:43,750 --> 00:01:46,868
Are you worried I might tell her
about how Mom tried
22
00:01:46,961 --> 00:01:49,419
to run you over
in the Gelson's parking lot?
23
00:01:49,505 --> 00:01:51,212
Right. Or why.
24
00:01:51,633 --> 00:01:55,047
Relax. I'll make sure she knows
what a great guy you are.
25
00:01:55,136 --> 00:01:56,297
Thanks.
26
00:01:56,721 --> 00:01:58,032
All right, let me
wrap things up here
27
00:01:58,056 --> 00:01:59,256
and I'll talk to you tomorrow.
28
00:01:59,307 --> 00:02:01,094
Okay. Bye.
29
00:02:03,394 --> 00:02:05,852
Why?
30
00:02:05,938 --> 00:02:08,521
He wasn't around much when I
was growing up. It's payback.
31
00:02:08,608 --> 00:02:10,395
Oh.
32
00:02:11,986 --> 00:02:14,273
You think maybe you should
call Phoebe?
33
00:02:14,364 --> 00:02:15,444
It's 1:00 a.m. in New York.
34
00:02:15,490 --> 00:02:18,403
A phone call at 1:00 a.m.
is only bad news.
35
00:02:18,493 --> 00:02:21,577
Well, this is kind
of bad news, Norman.
36
00:02:21,663 --> 00:02:23,404
Let her sleep.
I'll call in the morning.
37
00:02:23,498 --> 00:02:25,058
Are you sure?
It's her mother, you know?
38
00:02:25,583 --> 00:02:26,583
I know it's her mother!
39
00:02:26,668 --> 00:02:28,188
You don't think I know
it's her mother?
40
00:02:28,670 --> 00:02:30,707
Okay, okay, take it easy.
41
00:02:30,797 --> 00:02:32,441
Would you like to take a guess
at how many times
42
00:02:32,465 --> 00:02:34,627
Phoebe came to visit
while Eileen was sick?
43
00:02:34,717 --> 00:02:36,208
No, no, I wouldn't, no.
44
00:02:36,302 --> 00:02:38,760
Zero! Not once!
45
00:02:38,846 --> 00:02:41,714
Not even a-a, uh-uh, a thing.
46
00:02:41,808 --> 00:02:44,596
- The, uh, what is it called?
- What's what called?
47
00:02:44,686 --> 00:02:46,406
The computer thing
where you see the person.
48
00:02:46,437 --> 00:02:48,850
- Uh, FaceTime?
- No, no. The other one.
49
00:02:48,940 --> 00:02:50,397
- The made-up word.
- Skype.
50
00:02:50,483 --> 00:02:53,772
Skype. Yeah, that.
Not even a Skype!
51
00:02:53,861 --> 00:02:56,774
- What a stupid word.
- Well, I, uh, I'm sorry.
52
00:02:56,864 --> 00:02:58,526
You know,
I didn't know that. I...
53
00:02:58,616 --> 00:03:00,733
Of course you didn't know.
We're civilized people.
54
00:03:00,827 --> 00:03:02,989
We keep our shame and suffering
to ourselves.
55
00:03:03,079 --> 00:03:05,321
Where it belongs, sure.
56
00:03:05,415 --> 00:03:07,498
You still think
I should wake my daughter
57
00:03:07,583 --> 00:03:09,040
from her Ambien-induced coma
58
00:03:09,127 --> 00:03:10,868
and share the news
of her mother's passing?
59
00:03:10,962 --> 00:03:12,419
Maybe buy her a plane ticket
60
00:03:12,505 --> 00:03:15,418
so we could come back
and grieve together?
61
00:03:16,217 --> 00:03:18,459
Well, I feel like
you're looking for a "no."
62
00:03:20,179 --> 00:03:22,967
It's my own damn fault.
I spoiled her rotten.
63
00:03:23,057 --> 00:03:26,346
Now she's a selfish,
pill-popping mess.
64
00:03:26,769 --> 00:03:28,180
The one smart thing you ever did
65
00:03:28,271 --> 00:03:30,433
was not buy your daughter
an Arabian horse.
66
00:03:31,441 --> 00:03:34,275
Oh, that's... that's very kind
of you to say so.
67
00:03:35,403 --> 00:03:36,985
Uh, you know,
I, uh, I went through
68
00:03:37,071 --> 00:03:38,858
a couple of tough years
with Mindy.
69
00:03:38,948 --> 00:03:41,110
Uh, you know,
we're closer than ever now.
70
00:03:41,951 --> 00:03:43,863
And I'm supposed to take
from that what?
71
00:03:44,328 --> 00:03:46,945
Never mind. Just get in bed.
72
00:03:47,039 --> 00:03:48,621
I'll, uh, I'll tuck you in.
73
00:03:48,708 --> 00:03:50,700
You'll tuck me in?
74
00:03:50,793 --> 00:03:52,159
Get in the fucking bed.
75
00:03:52,670 --> 00:03:55,128
Profanity, you know,
is a sign of a lazy mind.
76
00:03:55,465 --> 00:03:56,797
I'm sorry.
77
00:03:56,883 --> 00:03:59,045
Please... get into bed.
78
00:03:59,427 --> 00:04:02,135
- Much better.
- You miserable fuck.
79
00:04:07,852 --> 00:04:09,343
Lazy mind.
80
00:04:11,397 --> 00:04:12,933
Are you going home?
81
00:04:16,068 --> 00:04:19,482
"But, soft! What light through
yonder window breaks?
82
00:04:19,572 --> 00:04:23,191
It is the east,
and Juliet is the sun."
83
00:04:24,911 --> 00:04:26,368
What?
84
00:04:26,454 --> 00:04:28,537
Yeah, I was going home. Why?
85
00:04:29,290 --> 00:04:30,701
Um...
86
00:04:30,792 --> 00:04:32,374
No reason. Just asking.
87
00:04:33,294 --> 00:04:35,251
- Well, you want me to stay?
- No, of course not.
88
00:04:35,338 --> 00:04:37,455
If you want me to stay,
I'm happy to stay here.
89
00:04:37,924 --> 00:04:39,290
You're happy.
90
00:04:39,842 --> 00:04:41,583
Aren't you a lucky man?
91
00:04:45,264 --> 00:04:46,471
Norman...
92
00:04:47,934 --> 00:04:50,267
Keep it down! I have neighbors.
93
00:04:55,233 --> 00:04:58,271
Why don't I sleep here tonight,
in case you need anything?
94
00:04:58,361 --> 00:05:00,569
I won't need anything,
but thank you.
95
00:05:00,655 --> 00:05:02,191
I appreciate it.
96
00:05:05,493 --> 00:05:06,779
Sure.
97
00:05:16,379 --> 00:05:18,336
I'm locked out!
98
00:05:18,422 --> 00:05:20,038
Try the back door!
99
00:05:34,438 --> 00:05:35,599
Sandy.
100
00:05:35,690 --> 00:05:36,726
Sandy.
101
00:05:37,817 --> 00:05:39,683
- We have to plan the funeral.
- What?
102
00:05:39,777 --> 00:05:41,171
Eileen left instructions.
103
00:05:41,195 --> 00:05:42,731
We need to get started. Come on.
104
00:05:42,822 --> 00:05:44,859
- What time is it? Wha...
- It's 4:30.
105
00:05:45,324 --> 00:05:46,986
She wants Jay Leno to emcee
106
00:05:47,076 --> 00:05:49,284
and Patti LaBelle
to sing "Lady Marmalade."
107
00:05:49,370 --> 00:05:51,578
- "Lady Marmalade"?
- Yes. It was her favorite.
108
00:05:53,666 --> 00:05:56,750
Can't we do this in the morning?
Look, you can go back to sleep.
109
00:05:56,836 --> 00:05:57,997
No. She was very specific.
110
00:05:58,087 --> 00:06:00,079
No, I-I-I understand that,
Norman.
111
00:06:00,172 --> 00:06:02,164
No, don't worry about it.
112
00:06:02,258 --> 00:06:05,592
She wants to be buried
in an unpretentious coffin.
113
00:06:05,678 --> 00:06:08,921
Preferably driftwood or recycled
timber from a sunken ship.
114
00:06:10,099 --> 00:06:12,512
Oh, fun. A scavenger hunt.
115
00:06:13,311 --> 00:06:15,724
Ah...
116
00:06:15,813 --> 00:06:17,349
You're peeing like me.
117
00:06:18,357 --> 00:06:20,269
Now, about Jay Leno.
118
00:06:20,359 --> 00:06:22,045
She loves him but says
he shouldn't be allowed
119
00:06:22,069 --> 00:06:23,401
to go on too long.
120
00:06:23,487 --> 00:06:25,479
Four or five minutes,
he's very enjoyable.
121
00:06:25,573 --> 00:06:26,967
After that, he can wear out
his welcome.
122
00:06:26,991 --> 00:06:28,402
Got it.
123
00:06:29,035 --> 00:06:30,276
Everything else is written out.
124
00:06:30,369 --> 00:06:32,406
Guest list, catering,
125
00:06:32,496 --> 00:06:35,364
floral arrangements,
valet service.
126
00:06:35,458 --> 00:06:38,701
Even the font for the programming.
"Palace Script MT."
127
00:06:38,794 --> 00:06:41,127
- Very elegant.
- Yeah. I can see that.
128
00:06:42,757 --> 00:06:44,123
I'm hungry.
129
00:06:45,927 --> 00:06:48,920
Ask Streisand to sing
"The Way We Were."
130
00:06:50,890 --> 00:06:53,758
Norman, I don't think
Streisand does funerals.
131
00:07:01,692 --> 00:07:03,729
Listen,
we really need to get started.
132
00:07:04,153 --> 00:07:06,236
How long is your class?
133
00:07:06,322 --> 00:07:08,042
- Hi, Sandy.
- Good morning, ladies.
134
00:07:08,115 --> 00:07:10,027
- It's an hour and a half.
- An hour and a half?
135
00:07:10,117 --> 00:07:11,929
You really have that much
to teach these people?
136
00:07:11,953 --> 00:07:14,240
As a matter of fact, I do.
137
00:07:14,872 --> 00:07:16,864
Spencer Tracy said,
"Know your lines
138
00:07:16,958 --> 00:07:18,369
and don't bump
into the furniture."
139
00:07:18,459 --> 00:07:20,826
You make it hard
to be your friend, Norman.
140
00:07:20,920 --> 00:07:22,877
I knew Tracy. Mean drunk.
141
00:07:22,964 --> 00:07:25,707
Rumor has it he ate
on both sides of the buffet.
142
00:07:25,800 --> 00:07:26,800
- Hey.
- Hey.
143
00:07:27,843 --> 00:07:29,709
I'm glad you spent the night.
144
00:07:29,804 --> 00:07:32,012
Uh, why don't you hang out here?
145
00:07:33,182 --> 00:07:34,593
Come here.
146
00:07:34,684 --> 00:07:36,676
- Hi, sweetie.
- Hi.
147
00:07:37,895 --> 00:07:40,808
- How you holdin' up?
- I'm okay, I guess.
148
00:07:40,898 --> 00:07:42,810
- Keep an eye on him.
- Sure.
149
00:07:44,151 --> 00:07:46,484
Is he taking good care of you?
150
00:07:46,570 --> 00:07:48,357
- Yeah. Mmm.
- Mm.
151
00:07:48,864 --> 00:07:51,902
Forgive me if I'm not really
on my game. Um...
152
00:07:53,744 --> 00:07:56,157
Last night, um...
153
00:07:59,500 --> 00:08:02,288
Last night,
I lost a friend to cancer.
154
00:08:02,378 --> 00:08:03,789
And you know,
it's-it's strange.
155
00:08:03,879 --> 00:08:06,872
When I was in
that hospital room and-and...
156
00:08:06,966 --> 00:08:08,502
...looking down at a woman
157
00:08:08,592 --> 00:08:11,676
that I've known and loved
for more than 40 years...
158
00:08:14,265 --> 00:08:17,133
and I found myself
thinking about all of you.
159
00:08:18,102 --> 00:08:20,810
And I'm always telling you
to pay attention
160
00:08:20,896 --> 00:08:23,513
to what's going on
in your lives, you know?
161
00:08:23,607 --> 00:08:26,441
To experience the feelings
that come up...
162
00:08:26,819 --> 00:08:28,481
no matter how painful.
163
00:08:31,699 --> 00:08:32,985
Because...
164
00:08:34,535 --> 00:08:36,447
that grief, that...
165
00:08:38,330 --> 00:08:39,866
that, um...
166
00:08:39,957 --> 00:08:42,370
unrelenting sorrow,
167
00:08:42,460 --> 00:08:43,701
that's the raw material.
168
00:08:43,794 --> 00:08:45,501
That's the gold...
169
00:08:46,172 --> 00:08:50,462
an actor mines
to create great performance.
170
00:08:50,551 --> 00:08:53,294
So my tragedy is your gold?
171
00:08:55,264 --> 00:08:56,345
Duly noted.
172
00:08:57,183 --> 00:08:59,516
Sorry. He wanted
to watch you teach.
173
00:08:59,602 --> 00:09:02,766
Norman, I'm just trying
to explain to my class
174
00:09:02,855 --> 00:09:06,098
that acting is really
an extension of living.
175
00:09:06,192 --> 00:09:08,525
It's how we explore
what it is to be human.
176
00:09:08,611 --> 00:09:10,603
- Bullshit!
- Oh, Jesus.
177
00:09:11,155 --> 00:09:13,317
You know what
it's like to be human?
178
00:09:13,407 --> 00:09:15,069
Is that something
you wanna know?
179
00:09:15,451 --> 00:09:17,113
Fine, I'll tell you.
180
00:09:17,203 --> 00:09:20,321
It hurts to be human.
It hurts like hell.
181
00:09:20,790 --> 00:09:22,622
And all the exploring
in the world
182
00:09:22,708 --> 00:09:24,791
doesn't make that hurt go away.
183
00:09:24,877 --> 00:09:27,665
Because being human
and being hurt
184
00:09:27,755 --> 00:09:29,792
are the same damn thing.
185
00:09:59,370 --> 00:10:02,329
You look at these prices?
What a racket.
186
00:10:03,999 --> 00:10:05,080
Yeah, it's awful.
187
00:10:05,167 --> 00:10:07,409
Could we just pick something
and get out of here?
188
00:10:07,503 --> 00:10:09,620
Well, you're not shopping
for tube socks, you know?
189
00:10:09,713 --> 00:10:11,170
No, we are not.
190
00:10:11,257 --> 00:10:12,748
You know this is
a monopoly, right,
191
00:10:12,842 --> 00:10:13,923
like the sunglass business.
192
00:10:14,009 --> 00:10:16,752
One company controlling
the whole thing.
193
00:10:16,846 --> 00:10:19,509
I honestly don't know
what to say to that.
194
00:10:19,598 --> 00:10:22,591
What can you say?
It's a travesty.
195
00:10:22,685 --> 00:10:25,143
You want a casket
made entirely of driftwood?
196
00:10:25,229 --> 00:10:27,061
Or timber from a sunken ship.
197
00:10:27,148 --> 00:10:28,389
Sweet Jesus.
198
00:10:28,732 --> 00:10:30,394
Okay. Uh...
199
00:10:30,943 --> 00:10:32,559
I'm not saying
it can't be done,
200
00:10:32,653 --> 00:10:36,192
but it would be a special order
which would take some time.
201
00:10:36,282 --> 00:10:38,239
Have you considered
bronze or copper?
202
00:10:38,325 --> 00:10:40,908
No. Too impersonal
and it's not biodegradable.
203
00:10:40,995 --> 00:10:43,078
Look, um... Woody,
204
00:10:43,664 --> 00:10:45,016
I think what we need here
is something
205
00:10:45,040 --> 00:10:47,327
that's, uh, recyclable.
206
00:10:47,418 --> 00:10:49,159
Eco-friendly. I understand.
207
00:10:51,630 --> 00:10:53,121
Is your real name Woodrow?
208
00:10:53,716 --> 00:10:56,379
- Yes.
- You should go by that.
209
00:10:56,468 --> 00:10:59,381
It's more dignified
for a bereavement counselor.
210
00:10:59,471 --> 00:11:02,088
I suppose, but, uh,
211
00:11:02,183 --> 00:11:04,641
I've just been going
by Woody since I'm a kid.
212
00:11:04,727 --> 00:11:06,514
Yeah, well,
you're not a kid now,
213
00:11:06,604 --> 00:11:09,847
and no offense, but a guy named
Woody selling coffins?
214
00:11:09,940 --> 00:11:11,397
A little on the nose.
215
00:11:12,234 --> 00:11:15,398
So, Woody,
you were saying eco-friendly.
216
00:11:15,821 --> 00:11:16,982
Oh, uh, yes.
217
00:11:17,489 --> 00:11:19,151
We have a cardboard model
218
00:11:19,241 --> 00:11:21,733
made in England,
100 percent recyclable.
219
00:11:21,827 --> 00:11:23,489
I'm not burying Eileen
in cardboard.
220
00:11:23,996 --> 00:11:25,988
We're just looking
at options, Norman.
221
00:11:26,081 --> 00:11:27,947
How about bubble wrap?
That's an option.
222
00:11:28,042 --> 00:11:29,874
That's actually not biodegradable.
223
00:11:29,960 --> 00:11:31,326
Woody, stay out of this.
224
00:11:31,921 --> 00:11:33,708
Our alternative
is to special order
225
00:11:33,797 --> 00:11:36,039
the driftwood,
which will take some time.
226
00:11:36,133 --> 00:11:37,374
No cardboard!
227
00:11:38,135 --> 00:11:39,842
Fine. Then we need
other options.
228
00:11:40,179 --> 00:11:41,779
She said driftwood
or sunken ship timber!
229
00:11:41,805 --> 00:11:43,091
I know what she said, Norman.
230
00:11:43,182 --> 00:11:45,299
We have very specific
instructions!
231
00:11:45,392 --> 00:11:47,930
- Uh, you have to calm down.
- Why is this a problem?
232
00:11:48,437 --> 00:11:52,021
Go to the beach,
get some wood that drifts up.
233
00:11:52,107 --> 00:11:53,848
and make a driftwood coffin!
234
00:11:54,276 --> 00:11:55,892
I'm afraid it's not that simple.
235
00:11:56,278 --> 00:11:57,485
Okay. You want simple?
236
00:11:57,571 --> 00:11:59,187
Hire a deep-sea diver
237
00:11:59,281 --> 00:12:02,024
to locate a schooner
or a pirate ship
238
00:12:02,117 --> 00:12:03,699
and bring up some planks!
239
00:12:03,786 --> 00:12:05,698
Could you excuse us
for a minute, please?
240
00:12:05,788 --> 00:12:07,575
- Norman.
- What?
241
00:12:09,333 --> 00:12:10,949
What?
242
00:12:11,043 --> 00:12:12,159
- What?
- All right, look.
243
00:12:12,253 --> 00:12:13,835
You need to get a grip.
244
00:12:13,921 --> 00:12:16,038
That poor bastard
is doing his best to help us
245
00:12:16,131 --> 00:12:17,811
and you, you're acting
like a crazy person.
246
00:12:17,841 --> 00:12:18,877
I've got a grip.
247
00:12:19,426 --> 00:12:21,292
Go wait in the car.
I'll handle this.
248
00:12:21,387 --> 00:12:24,175
Really? Wait in the car?
What am I, a child?
249
00:12:24,265 --> 00:12:26,257
Right now, yes!
Now go get in the car.
250
00:12:26,350 --> 00:12:28,387
- We have instructions!
- Go!
251
00:12:33,774 --> 00:12:35,857
I'm sorry about that.
252
00:12:35,943 --> 00:12:38,686
It's okay.
It's a very emotional time.
253
00:12:38,779 --> 00:12:41,522
Cardboard boxes are what
you put a houseplant in
254
00:12:41,615 --> 00:12:43,857
when you don't want it
to leak in your car!
255
00:12:50,749 --> 00:12:52,206
All right, what do we got?
256
00:12:53,085 --> 00:12:55,828
This is a scene
from a spec TV pilot I wrote.
257
00:12:55,921 --> 00:12:57,833
Original piece.
Okay, that's good.
258
00:12:57,923 --> 00:13:00,666
- What's it called?
- "Incestuously Yours."
259
00:13:00,759 --> 00:13:02,341
It's a comedy.
260
00:13:02,428 --> 00:13:04,715
About incest, that's brave.
261
00:13:04,805 --> 00:13:06,967
But without jokes.
262
00:13:07,641 --> 00:13:08,641
So no laughing.
263
00:13:09,143 --> 00:13:10,143
Hopefully not.
264
00:13:10,936 --> 00:13:13,098
Wow, okay.
265
00:13:13,188 --> 00:13:14,188
Let's see it.
266
00:13:23,532 --> 00:13:26,070
- Hey.
- Hey.
267
00:13:26,160 --> 00:13:27,901
Did mom say
when she's gonna be home?
268
00:13:27,995 --> 00:13:30,328
Do me a favor.
269
00:13:30,414 --> 00:13:31,825
Please don't call her "Mom."
270
00:13:31,915 --> 00:13:33,531
Sis, you've really
271
00:13:33,625 --> 00:13:34,786
gotta get over that.
272
00:13:34,877 --> 00:13:36,664
She's my mom, not yours.
273
00:13:37,004 --> 00:13:39,564
Yeah, well, when she married
our father, she became my mom.
274
00:13:39,631 --> 00:13:42,339
Are you listening to yourself?
You're being such a jerk.
275
00:13:42,426 --> 00:13:43,883
And you're a bitch!
276
00:13:43,969 --> 00:13:45,926
A bitch who sucks your cock!
277
00:13:50,434 --> 00:13:53,142
Whoa! Whoa! Okay!
Okay! All right.
278
00:13:53,228 --> 00:13:55,094
Time out. Time out. Hold on.
279
00:13:55,939 --> 00:13:59,603
Okay, um...
280
00:13:59,693 --> 00:14:03,437
First of all, Darshani,
kudos for writing the pilot.
281
00:14:03,530 --> 00:14:06,989
Takes a lot of work, and I wanna
encourage the effort.
282
00:14:07,076 --> 00:14:08,283
It wasn't hard.
283
00:14:08,369 --> 00:14:09,971
- I wrote it over the weekend.
- Well, regardless...
284
00:14:09,995 --> 00:14:11,715
And you told us
if the parts we want to play
285
00:14:11,747 --> 00:14:13,475
aren't out there, then we should
just write them ourselves.
286
00:14:13,499 --> 00:14:15,491
- I did say that.
- This really happened to me.
287
00:14:15,584 --> 00:14:17,020
- I have no doubt about that...
- And...
288
00:14:17,044 --> 00:14:18,876
Just stop talking.
289
00:14:18,962 --> 00:14:19,962
Stop talking!
290
00:14:27,888 --> 00:14:29,720
I'm sorry. Uh...
291
00:14:29,807 --> 00:14:31,764
Honey, the whole point
of doing this work
292
00:14:31,850 --> 00:14:33,591
is to dig into our feelings
293
00:14:33,685 --> 00:14:38,271
to see how it translates
into actions that we take...
294
00:14:38,357 --> 00:14:39,598
Our behavior.
295
00:14:41,652 --> 00:14:43,985
I really don't know
what you're talking about.
296
00:14:45,322 --> 00:14:48,486
Well, what I want to see
is how you feel
297
00:14:48,575 --> 00:14:51,534
about being in a blended family.
298
00:14:53,539 --> 00:14:54,655
It's okay.
299
00:14:55,749 --> 00:14:58,162
What do you mean, that's it?
It's-it's-it's just okay?
300
00:14:59,044 --> 00:15:01,252
Except for fucking
my half-brother,
301
00:15:01,338 --> 00:15:02,874
it's pretty traditional.
302
00:15:09,388 --> 00:15:10,629
We're doomed.
303
00:15:15,686 --> 00:15:18,224
- Yeah?
- It's Lisa. Got a minute?
304
00:15:18,313 --> 00:15:20,020
Yeah, sure. Come on in.
305
00:15:21,984 --> 00:15:23,020
Hey.
306
00:15:23,735 --> 00:15:26,398
I kinda lost it
in there, didn't I?
307
00:15:27,406 --> 00:15:28,613
Kinda.
308
00:15:29,074 --> 00:15:31,236
Some of these kids,
they've got no shame.
309
00:15:32,119 --> 00:15:34,611
Well, I think
it's all the social media.
310
00:15:34,705 --> 00:15:36,992
I mean, they grow up sharing
everything with everybody.
311
00:15:37,082 --> 00:15:38,994
No, no,
I think it started earlier.
312
00:15:39,084 --> 00:15:40,620
You know who I blame?
313
00:15:40,711 --> 00:15:42,828
- Bill Clinton.
- Really.
314
00:15:43,547 --> 00:15:48,087
When blow jobs ceased to be sex,
our civilization was over.
315
00:15:50,596 --> 00:15:51,596
You want a drink?
316
00:15:52,264 --> 00:15:55,132
Uh... no, thanks.
317
00:15:55,225 --> 00:15:58,013
I just, uh,
just wanted to check on you.
318
00:15:58,103 --> 00:15:59,890
Well, thank you, you know.
319
00:15:59,980 --> 00:16:02,188
I'm okay. A little tired, and...
320
00:16:03,025 --> 00:16:04,545
Well, how's it going
with Norman?
321
00:16:04,818 --> 00:16:07,435
It's going. It's just kicking
the shit out of me.
322
00:16:07,946 --> 00:16:09,187
Mm.
323
00:16:11,116 --> 00:16:12,778
Uh, well,
I'm sure he's very grateful.
324
00:16:13,327 --> 00:16:14,738
Oh, you'd be wrong.
325
00:16:14,828 --> 00:16:15,828
Sit down.
326
00:16:16,330 --> 00:16:18,367
I did find a guy from Santa Cruz
327
00:16:18,457 --> 00:16:20,119
who makes coffins
out of driftwood,
328
00:16:20,209 --> 00:16:21,916
so, I mean,
that's something, right?
329
00:16:22,002 --> 00:16:23,868
Nice. Yeah.
330
00:16:23,962 --> 00:16:26,045
And amazingly,
331
00:16:26,131 --> 00:16:28,339
the funeral arrangements
are coming together,
332
00:16:28,425 --> 00:16:30,838
but the real question
is whether Norman's daughter
333
00:16:30,928 --> 00:16:31,928
is gonna show up.
334
00:16:32,387 --> 00:16:33,673
How can that even be a question?
335
00:16:33,764 --> 00:16:36,097
There was a lot of bad blood
between her and Eileen.
336
00:16:36,183 --> 00:16:39,517
Oh, yeah. Well, hmm,
mothers and daughters, just...
337
00:16:39,853 --> 00:16:42,095
Oh, you've got
some experience with that?
338
00:16:42,189 --> 00:16:43,976
Well, I have a mother,
339
00:16:44,066 --> 00:16:45,728
who I hate
with a red-hot passion.
340
00:16:45,817 --> 00:16:48,275
So, yeah, a little bit.
341
00:16:48,946 --> 00:16:50,687
A little fucking bit.
342
00:16:53,367 --> 00:16:54,448
Mmm.
343
00:16:54,993 --> 00:16:56,985
You wouldn't be interested
in coming with me?
344
00:16:57,871 --> 00:16:59,407
You're inviting me to a funeral?
345
00:17:00,541 --> 00:17:02,624
Our first date wound up
in a hospital.
346
00:17:02,709 --> 00:17:04,746
Seems like a natural next step.
347
00:17:06,421 --> 00:17:08,663
Gee, I don't know, Sandy. Uh...
348
00:17:09,049 --> 00:17:10,881
Are you sure?
349
00:17:10,968 --> 00:17:13,881
Patti LaBelle is singing
"Lady Marmalade,"
350
00:17:13,971 --> 00:17:15,678
"Lady Marmaduke,"
whatever the hell it is.
351
00:17:15,764 --> 00:17:18,347
Jay Leno, he's gonna be the emcee.
352
00:17:18,433 --> 00:17:20,049
And not to gild the lily,
353
00:17:20,143 --> 00:17:24,934
but you might have a front-row
seat to Ms. Barbra Streisand.
354
00:17:27,067 --> 00:17:28,524
Damn it.
355
00:17:30,028 --> 00:17:36,116
♪♪ Creole lady Marmalade ♪♪
356
00:17:46,295 --> 00:17:48,332
Does this seem
inappropriate to you?
357
00:17:48,422 --> 00:17:51,165
Oh, this is nothing.
Wait'll you see the drag queen.
358
00:17:52,426 --> 00:17:57,592
♪♪ Lady Marmalade ♪♪
359
00:17:57,681 --> 00:18:01,675
♪♪ Marmalade ♪♪
360
00:18:01,768 --> 00:18:06,638
♪♪ Whoa whoa who-ah-ah-aah ♪♪
361
00:18:06,732 --> 00:18:10,396
♪♪ Now he's back home
doing nine to five ♪♪
362
00:18:10,485 --> 00:18:14,024
♪♪ Living his gray flannel life ♪♪
363
00:18:14,114 --> 00:18:16,948
♪♪ But when he turns off
to sleep... ♪♪
364
00:18:17,034 --> 00:18:18,900
- You doin' okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
365
00:18:18,994 --> 00:18:20,906
♪♪ More more... ♪♪
366
00:18:20,996 --> 00:18:23,204
Don't worry,
she's gonna be here.
367
00:18:23,290 --> 00:18:24,531
Hope so.
368
00:18:25,208 --> 00:18:27,575
♪♪ Whoo-hoo ya ya ♪♪
369
00:18:27,669 --> 00:18:30,127
♪♪ Gitcho gitcho ya yas here... ♪♪
370
00:18:30,547 --> 00:18:31,858
Did you tell Jay
to keep it short?
371
00:18:31,882 --> 00:18:36,217
♪♪ Mocha-choco-lata ya ya ♪♪
372
00:18:36,303 --> 00:18:42,595
♪♪ Creole Lady Marmalade ♪♪
373
00:18:42,684 --> 00:18:45,643
♪♪ Whoaaa ♪♪
374
00:18:45,729 --> 00:18:52,729
♪♪ Whoa-ooh ♪♪
375
00:19:09,211 --> 00:19:11,749
Goodbye, baby.
I'm gonna miss you.
376
00:19:13,924 --> 00:19:15,085
And Norman...
377
00:19:15,592 --> 00:19:17,925
it is my prayer that the pain
378
00:19:18,011 --> 00:19:20,094
you're experiencing now...
379
00:19:20,180 --> 00:19:23,344
is God's way
of transforming you
380
00:19:23,433 --> 00:19:26,551
into a less annoying
human being.
381
00:19:29,648 --> 00:19:30,855
She never liked me.
382
00:19:30,941 --> 00:19:32,978
How do you piss off
Patti LaBelle?
383
00:19:33,068 --> 00:19:35,401
You call her Roberta Flack.
384
00:19:35,904 --> 00:19:37,664
You know, one of
the greatest joys of my life
385
00:19:37,698 --> 00:19:40,281
was having Eileen as a friend.
386
00:19:40,367 --> 00:19:42,404
I remember...
387
00:19:42,494 --> 00:19:46,158
the first time we met,
I was a struggling young comic.
388
00:19:46,248 --> 00:19:48,205
I'd just done a set
at The Comedy Store.
389
00:19:48,291 --> 00:19:50,032
It, uh...
You know...
390
00:19:50,127 --> 00:19:51,584
It did not go well.
391
00:19:52,212 --> 00:19:53,794
But Eileen came up to me
afterwards
392
00:19:53,880 --> 00:19:56,497
and she said I was very funny,
and she said she, uh,
393
00:19:56,591 --> 00:19:58,423
she saw somethin' in me,
you know?
394
00:19:59,094 --> 00:20:00,551
So she sent me
to see her husband,
395
00:20:00,637 --> 00:20:04,597
a big-time agent,
Norman Newlander,
396
00:20:04,683 --> 00:20:06,720
and, uh, when I say "big-time,"
397
00:20:06,810 --> 00:20:09,769
remember, this is the man
who discovered Buster Thornton.
398
00:20:11,356 --> 00:20:12,563
Who's Buster Thornton?
399
00:20:12,899 --> 00:20:14,060
Exactly.
400
00:20:16,361 --> 00:20:18,774
Anyway, I'm not
in his office five minutes,
401
00:20:18,864 --> 00:20:20,730
he says to me,
"You know, your jaw's too big.
402
00:20:20,824 --> 00:20:22,406
You're gonna frighten children."
403
00:20:22,492 --> 00:20:24,700
I said, "I don't-I don't-
I don't play for children."
404
00:20:24,786 --> 00:20:27,403
He says, "It doesn't matter.
It's distracting.
405
00:20:27,497 --> 00:20:31,286
Oh, and your head, it looks like
a piece of urban folk art."
406
00:20:31,376 --> 00:20:32,742
What happened
to keeping it short?
407
00:20:32,836 --> 00:20:34,623
You know, folks,
I could stand up here
408
00:20:34,713 --> 00:20:38,457
and slam Norman all day
until my jaw falls off...
409
00:20:39,342 --> 00:20:40,833
but this is about Eileen,
410
00:20:41,261 --> 00:20:43,218
and per her request,
she had a performer
411
00:20:43,305 --> 00:20:46,844
that touched her, well,
like no other.
412
00:20:46,933 --> 00:20:48,765
Someone who really needs
no introduction.
413
00:20:48,852 --> 00:20:50,263
So, Eileen,
414
00:20:50,353 --> 00:20:52,185
this is for you.
415
00:20:57,402 --> 00:20:59,064
My God, you got her?
416
00:21:00,447 --> 00:21:01,983
Wait for it.
417
00:21:04,868 --> 00:21:08,327
♪♪ Mm mm hmm ♪♪
418
00:21:09,706 --> 00:21:11,538
♪♪ Mm mm hmm ♪♪
419
00:21:11,625 --> 00:21:18,625
♪♪ Mm mm hmm hmm ♪♪
420
00:21:19,466 --> 00:21:21,002
That's a man.
421
00:21:21,092 --> 00:21:22,583
It's what we could get.
422
00:21:25,889 --> 00:21:30,884
♪♪ Mm hm memories ♪♪
423
00:21:30,977 --> 00:21:36,439
♪♪ Light the corners of my mind ♪♪
424
00:21:38,693 --> 00:21:42,312
♪♪ Misty water-colored
memories... ♪♪
425
00:21:42,656 --> 00:21:44,443
- Front row.
- Yeah.
426
00:21:46,618 --> 00:21:52,159
♪♪ Of the way we were ♪♪
427
00:21:52,249 --> 00:21:53,740
He's magnificent.
428
00:21:57,546 --> 00:22:00,914
I want to thank everyone
for being here...
429
00:22:01,007 --> 00:22:04,000
to help celebrate
the life of a great lady.
430
00:22:04,427 --> 00:22:07,761
I, um, I go back a long way
with Eileen.
431
00:22:07,848 --> 00:22:11,592
In fact, I'm the one
that introduced her to Norman.
432
00:22:12,352 --> 00:22:14,435
I didn't do it
to be nice. Uh...
433
00:22:16,231 --> 00:22:18,223
To be honest,
I tried to date her.
434
00:22:20,151 --> 00:22:22,894
I took her out
to a fancy dinner,
435
00:22:22,988 --> 00:22:24,229
hoped to get lucky.
436
00:22:25,782 --> 00:22:27,239
I remember, uh,
437
00:22:27,325 --> 00:22:30,363
afterward I walked her
to the door
438
00:22:30,453 --> 00:22:32,740
and I went in for a kiss...
439
00:22:32,831 --> 00:22:34,618
and she ducked.
440
00:22:34,708 --> 00:22:37,246
I mean, she actually ducked.
441
00:22:37,335 --> 00:22:39,167
I chipped my tooth
on her mezuzah.
442
00:22:41,506 --> 00:22:43,998
Anyway, I had no patience
443
00:22:44,092 --> 00:22:46,926
for women with integrity
and self-respect...
444
00:22:48,179 --> 00:22:50,671
so I set her up with Norman.
445
00:22:50,765 --> 00:22:53,098
Let him not get laid.
446
00:22:53,184 --> 00:22:55,346
She made me wait eight months.
447
00:22:55,437 --> 00:22:58,350
There you go.
And look what happened.
448
00:22:58,440 --> 00:23:01,774
Since then, I have been in
three unhappy, failed marriages
449
00:23:01,860 --> 00:23:04,568
and you've been
in one happy one.
450
00:23:05,322 --> 00:23:07,234
Seems like you jerkin' off
for a few months
451
00:23:07,324 --> 00:23:08,735
was a solid investment.
452
00:23:11,828 --> 00:23:13,444
But Eileen...
453
00:23:14,372 --> 00:23:16,409
She wasn't just a good match
for Norman.
454
00:23:16,499 --> 00:23:18,161
Over time...
455
00:23:18,251 --> 00:23:20,413
she became
a good friend to me.
456
00:23:21,713 --> 00:23:23,875
Someone I could always trust
457
00:23:23,965 --> 00:23:25,376
to tell me the truth.
458
00:23:27,010 --> 00:23:29,923
Someone who actually
cared about me
459
00:23:30,013 --> 00:23:32,926
even when I didn't
deserve caring.
460
00:23:34,643 --> 00:23:36,225
Before she died,
461
00:23:36,311 --> 00:23:37,677
she asked me
462
00:23:37,771 --> 00:23:39,683
to look after this guy here.
463
00:23:41,691 --> 00:23:43,227
At first, I thought
she was joking,
464
00:23:43,318 --> 00:23:45,355
and then I realized she wasn't.
465
00:23:46,404 --> 00:23:47,736
Because I thought,
466
00:23:47,822 --> 00:23:49,859
"What a horrible thing
to ask me to do."
467
00:23:49,950 --> 00:23:52,488
I mean, you all know him.
He's a bit of a dick.
468
00:23:56,039 --> 00:23:57,655
But I'm gonna do it.
469
00:23:58,375 --> 00:24:00,162
I'm gonna honor her wishes...
470
00:24:01,795 --> 00:24:04,208
because you don't say no
to a great lady.
471
00:24:06,132 --> 00:24:08,089
And Eileen Newlander...
472
00:24:08,176 --> 00:24:09,792
was...
473
00:24:09,886 --> 00:24:12,424
and will always be
a great lady.
474
00:24:23,316 --> 00:24:24,852
Thank you, Sandy.
475
00:24:25,610 --> 00:24:27,171
You know, a friend of mine
studied acting
476
00:24:27,195 --> 00:24:30,359
under Sandy for ten years.
Ten years.
477
00:24:30,991 --> 00:24:34,029
And after a decade
of intensive study,
478
00:24:34,119 --> 00:24:36,156
today I'm proud to say
479
00:24:36,246 --> 00:24:37,908
he's the head waiter at Spago.
480
00:24:41,251 --> 00:24:42,958
Now, that was funny.
481
00:25:02,856 --> 00:25:07,021
The world knew her
mostly from her iconic movies
482
00:25:07,110 --> 00:25:10,399
like "Singing in the Rain"
and "The Unsinkable Molly Brown,"
483
00:25:10,864 --> 00:25:13,823
but to me, she was so much more.
484
00:25:13,908 --> 00:25:16,195
Wait a minute. This was my
eulogy for Debbie Reynolds.
485
00:25:16,286 --> 00:25:17,367
Hold on.
486
00:25:18,621 --> 00:25:20,032
Sorry.
487
00:25:20,123 --> 00:25:21,659
Here we go.
488
00:25:22,333 --> 00:25:24,916
That was Eileen's idea.
489
00:25:25,003 --> 00:25:26,710
It's a good joke.
490
00:25:30,175 --> 00:25:31,541
Dear Eileen...
491
00:25:33,178 --> 00:25:36,467
...we have been husband and wife
for 46 years.
492
00:25:37,182 --> 00:25:42,052
In all that time, I have never
not been in love with you.
493
00:25:42,145 --> 00:25:44,888
I've been angry with you,
confused by you,
494
00:25:44,981 --> 00:25:48,349
even hurt by you,
but never not in love.
495
00:25:49,486 --> 00:25:51,318
You were the woman
I was looking for
496
00:25:51,404 --> 00:25:53,236
ever since I started looking.
497
00:25:54,991 --> 00:25:59,031
Beautiful, smart, funny, strong,
498
00:25:59,120 --> 00:26:02,238
willing to sleep with me,
eventually.
499
00:26:04,000 --> 00:26:05,957
If something good happened
to me at work,
500
00:26:06,044 --> 00:26:09,833
it wasn't real
until I shared it with you.
501
00:26:09,923 --> 00:26:11,880
If something bad happened,
502
00:26:11,966 --> 00:26:13,628
it was only tolerable
503
00:26:13,718 --> 00:26:16,085
because I had you
to complain to.
504
00:26:19,933 --> 00:26:22,175
If I heard a funny joke,
my first thought was,
505
00:26:22,268 --> 00:26:25,102
"I cannot wait
to tell you, Eileen."
506
00:26:25,188 --> 00:26:27,145
Then I would get
to hear your laugh,
507
00:26:27,232 --> 00:26:28,894
or you would roll your eyes
508
00:26:28,983 --> 00:26:31,191
and tell me the joke
was a stinker
509
00:26:31,277 --> 00:26:32,893
and we would both laugh.
510
00:26:36,991 --> 00:26:41,827
I honestly do not know
how to carry on without you,
511
00:26:41,913 --> 00:26:46,533
but I will because you told me to,
in no uncertain terms.
512
00:26:46,626 --> 00:26:48,367
Shit!
513
00:26:49,587 --> 00:26:50,587
Sorry, Dad.
514
00:26:53,466 --> 00:26:54,707
Continue.
515
00:26:57,971 --> 00:27:02,056
Thanks for inviting me.
I am having the best time.
516
00:27:13,444 --> 00:27:18,235
♪♪ Ooh-hoo-hoo ♪♪
♪♪ Marmalade ♪♪
517
00:27:18,324 --> 00:27:23,536
♪♪ Ya here ♪♪
♪♪ Marmalade ♪♪
518
00:27:23,621 --> 00:27:27,615
♪♪ Marmalade ♪♪
519
00:27:27,709 --> 00:27:32,295
♪♪ Whoa whoa who-ah-ah-aah ♪♪
520
00:27:32,380 --> 00:27:36,374
♪♪ Gitchi gitchi ya ya da da ♪♪
♪♪ Ooh-hoo ya yay ♪♪
521
00:27:36,467 --> 00:27:38,959
♪♪ Gitcho gitcho ya yas here ♪♪
522
00:27:40,013 --> 00:27:44,724
♪♪ Say ♪♪
♪♪ Mocha-choca-lata ya ya ♪♪
523
00:27:44,809 --> 00:27:51,397
♪♪ Creole Lady Marmalade ♪♪
♪♪ Marmalade ♪♪
524
00:27:51,482 --> 00:27:54,520
♪♪ Whoaaaa ♪♪
525
00:27:54,611 --> 00:28:00,073
♪♪ Whoaa-ooohhh ♪♪
526
00:28:00,158 --> 00:28:02,491
♪♪ Whoaaaa ♪♪
527
00:28:02,577 --> 00:28:08,244
♪♪ Whoa-haa-ee ♪♪