Before we start, uh, tonight's scene work,
I just want to take a moment to talk about our craft.
Acting.
So what is acting?
I mean, when an actor acts,
what is he or she...
or they...
actually doing?
Well, on one level, the answer is simple.
They're making believe. They are pretending.
But on a... on a much deeper level we need to ask ourselves
what is really happening.
Well, you need to ask me,
because I think I'm the only one here
who doesn't have a roommate.
What's really happening...
and I want you to listen carefully.
What's really happening is that the actor is playing...
God.
Because, after all, what does God do?
God creates.
God says, "Here is a world," and bam!
That world exists.
God says, "Here's life," and bam again!
Life happens.
God says, "Here's death," and boom!
Darkness.
The darkness returns.
So what does this mean to us?
How do we take this information
and bring it into our work?
The answer, my dear colleagues, is that like God,
we must love our creations.
We must imbue them with life, with character,
with hope and dreams and fatal flaws
and then...
Then...
we must let them go.
Because in the end...
true love...
God's love...
is letting go.
Yeah, uh, Sandy?
Uh, I have an audition tomorrow for a shampoo commercial.
How do I love that?
Wash your hair before you go.
Okay, love of character,
not the pursuit of fame or money
is what separates the great actor, the true artist...
Yeah, uh, Sandy, one more question. Uh, it's for Pantene.
It doesn't matter what the shampoo is, okay?
- Just wash your hair. - Thank you.
That's why he's Sandy Kominsky
and we are not.
Ah, fuck it. Let's get started.
Congratulations.
Sorry I'm late.
I assume you had a hard time picking out the scarf.
Oh, really? Really, huh?
Right out of the gate, you wanna bust my balls.
They are a low-hanging fruit.
Hello, Alex.
Um, I'm gonna have a Jack Daniels on the rocks
and a diet Dr Pepper
with a straw.
I absolutely loathe the way you drink.
Well, the Jack keeps me from killing myself
and the Pepper keeps me regular.
So, how we doin' on the sitcom?
Forget it. You do not wanna be in the sitcom.
What are you talkin' about? I mean...
Those little pishers on the... on The Big Bang Theory,
they're making a million bucks a week.
Sandy, it's pablum. It's crap.
You're one of the all-time great acting coaches.
What's it gonna look like, you doin' a network sitcom?
So I didn't get the part?
No. CBS wanted to go more ethnic.
But look at this profile. Who's more ethnic than I am?
- Black people. - Wait a minute.
They're casting a black guy
to play Josh Gad's grandfather?
They dumped Josh. They got some rapper, Ludacris.
Ludicrous, my ass. It's bullshit.
No, that's his name. Ludacris.
- What's his name? - Ludacris.
- I said ludicrous. - No, the rapper.
- What about the rapper? - Jesus Christ!
You didn't get the sitcom.
- Shit. - Yeah.
Look at this. For you, he runs.
Thank you, Alex.
They said they'd keep you in mind for a recurring role
or maybe a guest spot.
Please don't sugarcoat it. I'm a grown man.
I'm not sugarcoating. I'm, uh...
I'm lying.
- How's Mindy? - She's great. You know, she's...
She's a terrific kid.
I don't know how I'd run that school without her.
Well, yeah. Her mother did a wonderful job raising her.
Don't forget, I raised her, too, Norman.
Does she know that?
How's Eileen?
She... She's, uh...
Not that great.
So this last round of treatment...
Didn't really... didn't really have an effect.
I'm so sorry, Norman.
Sandy, she'd, uh...
really love to see you.
Well, I-I'd love to see her if-if I could,
if that's all right, you know?
Of course you can. Any time. You know that.
- Great. I'll do it. - When?
Uh, I don't know. I'll-I'll figure it out.
- There's nothin' to figure out. - There's things.
There's things. I mean, I'll let you know.
Fine.
- It is fine. - Which is what I said.
No, no. You said it with an attitude. No, you said, "Fine."
Forgive me. Fine.
Jesus, let's just order.
Fine.
So how's your love life? Are you still seeing, uh...
- What's her name? Triscuit? - Tristin. And no.
Oh, that's too bad. She was kind of cute.
Well, we didn't have much to talk about.
You know, she was half my age.
Listen, half your age is still an old woman.
Fuck you, Norman.
Do the math.
All right, a couple of quick announcements
before we get started tonight.
For the 100th time, I am an actor. I'm not a plumber.
So please, please do not put
any feminine hygiene products down in the toilet.
Come on, fellas. Just help me out here.
Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid.
Mystery solved.
Uh, second thing, I am canceling
my Tuesday night sitcom workshop.
You guys did not take my class to become
a bunch of pandering, overpaid clowns
suckin' up for canned laughter
and a People's fuckin' Choice Award.
I'd like a People's Choice Award.
- Yeah. - All right.
Let's get our scenes up,
see if we can prove your parents wrong.
Why don't we start with one of our new students tonight?
Um...
What is your name?
Um...
- Uh, Theresa. - Theresa, come on down.
Oh, uh, okay.
What do you got?
Um, I've been working on the eulogy speech
from Steel Magnolias.
Great.
Please.
Is standing okay?
Have you ever seen anybody sit while giving a eulogy?
Um, I've never been to a funeral.
They stand.
Okay.
- So I should stand? - You should stand.
Okay.
I'm gonna use the stool as a gravestone.
Why not?
Hey, welcome back.
Whenever you're ready.
I'm fine.
I'm fine! I'm fine! I'm fine!
I can jog all the way to Texas and back...
but my daughter can't.
Oh, she never could.
Oh, God, I am so mad, I don't know what to do!
I wanna know why.
I wanna know why Shelby's life is over.
I wanna know how that baby will ever know
how wonderful his mother was.
Will he ever know what she went through for him?
Oh, God. I wanna know why!
Why?
Wow.
- Yeah? - Yeah. Yeah.
Um, Sally Field did that in the movie, right?
Mm-hm.
And if memory serves me...
that was pretty much the way she did it.
Guess who her acting coach was.
Oh, my God. Really?
Wow.
So... what I want you to do is to try it again,
but this time...
show me how you would do it.
I don't understand.
Um, Sally did her thing with it,
and now you do yours.
You just lost your daughter
after she had a baby.
Same words.
Okay.
Theresa...
trust.
Okay.
I'm fine.
I'm fine! I'm fine! I'm fine!
I can jog all the way to Texas and back...
but my daughter can't.
Oh, she never could.
Oh, God, I am so mad, I don't know what to do.
I wanna know why.
I wanna know why Shelby's life is over.
I wanna know how that baby will ever know
how wonderful her mother was.
Will he ever know what she went through for him?
Oh, God. I wanna know why.
Why?
- How'd that feel? - Um, I don't know.
- More honest, I guess. - Honest?
Well, we certainly want to avoid that.
Any thoughts, opinions?
Come on, don't be shy. There are no wrong answers here.
I liked it better when she cried.
- Yeah, that's wrong. - Oh.
I thought the s-second time was better.
- Because? - Um...
..you gave her a note.
It was better because I gave her a note?
No, not-not just the note.
Just that you obviously wanted her...
Could you pick someone else?
Come on, don't tell me what I wanna hear.
Tell me what you feel.
What you think. Anybody. Come on.
Yes.
I thought the second way
she did the speech was more interesting.
Okay. Why?
Well, crying is a socially acceptable way to express grief.
It's what you're expected to do.
But people feel all sorts of things
when they lose a loved one.
It's just not okay to show them.
So venting her anger was, uh, was more interesting.
Yes. Yes, and the writer knew it.
It was right there in the speech.
She says she's mad.
Thank you... um...
- Lisa. - Thank you, Lisa.
You're welcome, Sandy.
So I did good?
Yeah, sure. Yeah. Yeah.
So, uh... so what other great actresses did you coach?
Nah. I don't like to talk about it.
'Cause you know, it's like name-dropping.
Oh, come on!
Faye Dunaway...
...um, Diane Keaton, Jessica Lange.
Wow. That's some lineup.
Did you, uh... Did you sleep with any of them?
No. No, I never mix business with pleasure.
Oh, wow.
- You are a good actor. - What? I'm serious.
- Ugh. - I-I didn't!
Don't look at me like that. I'm telling you the truth.
Come on. I swear I won't think less of you if you did.
No, this is a trap. This is a trap, right?
Let's just... let's just talk about you.
What made you want to study acting?
Uh, let's see.
I was a theater minor in college
and absolutely loved it.
Probably the happiest time in my life.
Honestly, I, uh, I don't know why I quit.
I do. Fear of failure.
Oh, about me, you tell the truth?
Well, uh, anyway, long story short,
when my husband of many years
turned out to be balls deep in his dental hygienist...
Sorry, still a little bitter.
I decided to spend some of my divorce settlement
on acting classes.
And a Porsche Cayenne.
- It's a nice car. - Mm.
- Sorry about the marriage. - Well, it all worked out.
I mean, I got the house
and he got a Samoan mother-in-law.
Yeah.
Are you okay?
Uh... Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I'm fine. I'm just...
Twenty-nine years.
I just...
I thought we'd grow old together.
You know, uh... retire...
drive around the country in an RV...
babysit the grandkids.
A whole fucking bullshit fantasy.
Lisa, Lisa, it's gonna be okay. You'll see.
New doors are gonna open, new challenges,
new people.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
No, no, no, there-there's nothing to be sorry about.
- Everything okay here? - Yeah, we just... It's fine.
We just need the check, please.
Hmm.
Oh, man.
I'm a good actor, too.
Seriously, why would you do that?
Come on, you bastard.
I made the speech, I put up a sign.
- What the hell else can I do? - I don't know, Dad.
Maybe hire a fucking plumber?
- Ah, yes. - See that? Who needs a plumber?
Thanks.
Sorry I missed class last night. How'd it go?
Good. Some of the new kids are good. Where were you?
Went to see Eileen.
Oh, shit. Been meaning to get over there.
How's she doing?
It's awful.
She can barely get out of bed.
I'll call Norman and figure out a time.
No, you won't.
What? What is that supposed to mean?
- Nothing. Never mind. - No, no, tell me. Wha...
When Uncle Jimmy was in the hospital
you couldn't visit because you had a cold.
And your friend, Barry...
- What's his name? - Melman, yeah.
When Barry Melman was in that hospice place
you had a cold.
I did, both times. I did not want to get them sicker.
You were worried you might give the guy with brain cancer
a case of the sniffles?
Yes. It's called common courtesy.
Okay, fine. Whatever you need to believe.
Oh, no, no, no. Wait, wait.
What do you believe?
- You're afraid. - Afraid? Oh...
I mean, it's understandable.
You're getting older. You don't want to be... reminded.
Reminded of what?
- Really? - Yeah.
- You're gonna make me say it? - Yeah. Come on, say it.
- Death. - Wrong.
- Oh. - That is so wrong.
Okay, I'm walking away from you.
Yes, I'll admit to fearing a violent death,
terrorism, tsunamis, what have you,
but natural death from old age?
No. No, not at all.
I see that as my next great adventure.
Tsunamis? Really?
I've never been a strong swimmer.
Okay. Well, you know what? I'm wrong. You're right.
So, sorry I brought it up.
I'll see you later, Dad.
And let us not forget that I will live on in my work...
...in my students.
That's how... I cheat death.
- Hey. - Hmm?
Good news. I got the shampoo commercial.
- What? - Yeah.
I did just like you told me and nailed the audition.
Oh, great. Congratulations.
I'm gonna cash the check, buy Bitcoin.
It's the money of the future.
Okay.
Hey.
- Goddamnit. - What?
I bet Eileen a hundred bucks you wouldn't show up.
Very nice. Insult a guest.
You want a warmer welcome?
Give me a hundred bucks.
What kind of flowers are those?
I have no idea. Hm.
Uh-huh. So your daughter bought them.
- Yeah. - A-ha.
You have a visitor.
Oh, Sandy.
Great.
Pay me.
Hey, kiddo. How you feelin'?
- Shit on a shingle. - Mm.
- Come here. - Ah.
- Oh, Sandy. - Oh.
Oh. Look at you.
- These are for you. - Oh, daffodils.
I love daffodils.
Daffodils.
So, um...
This is nice and comfy, you know?
Mm.
- Who sleeps over there? - I do.
I keep telling him to sleep upstairs, but he doesn't listen.
What can I say? I like sleeping in the same room as my wife.
Ah, after all these years, look at you, Mr. Romantic.
Oh, romantic, my ass.
He's just lookin' for a little late-night action.
Or the morning. Morning's all right.
- Oh, boy. - You guys are kidding, right?
So, listen...
Sit down.
- I need you to do me a favor. - Sure. Anything, yeah.
- When I'm gone... - No, no.
- Now, don't say that... - No, listen.
Listen. Don't talk.
Sorry.
When I'm gone, I want you to look after Norman.
- Me? - Yeah, you.
You're his best friend, right?
Oh. Um, I don't know. Am I?
No, but don't argue with her.
Yougotit.
Thank you.
Now, how about you?
You seeing anybody?
No, not really.
I had coffee the other night with one of my students.
Oh, Sandy.
Not another one of your
25-year-old Nebraska spinners?
No, no. This one is more age-appropriate.
How age-appropriate?
Probably 50-ish?
Really? Wow.
- Original boobs? - Eileen, it was just coffee.
- Widowed? Divorced? - Divorced.
- Kids? - Grown.
- Money? - Doesn't need mine.
- Not like you have much. - No, no.
All right.
- I approve. - You approve?
- When did you get to approve? - Yeah, yeah.
- Just, I want to meet her. - We just had coffee...
I have a good vibe about this one. Set it up.
Okay, fine, fine. Jesus.
How do you... how do you put up with this one?
- Ooh, the nonstop sex. - Oh, God.
Okay. That's it.
- Get out. - Uh, that's it?
That's it. Visit's over.
Okay. All right.
- Feel better. - Oh, you're hilarious.
Bye.
Hey, Sandy.
- I never said thank you. - For what?
Forty-seven years ago, you introduced me to that guy.
Oh, yeah. I did, didn't I?
Yeah, you did.
Norman, say thank you to Sandy.
Ah, do I have to?
You wanna get laid?
Thank you, Sandy.
Thanks for coming.
Good!
Let it out.
This is all about relaxation.
You cannot be present with what's happening onstage
unless you are relaxed.
Tension...
is the performance killer.
- Stop. - Am I doing it wrong?
You look like you're havin' a seizure.
Sorry. Relaxing is hard for me.
I had an emotionally abusive childhood.
- How old are you? - Twenty-eight.
Childhood's over. Relax.
No.
How's it goin'?
This is bullshit. I want my money back.
- Sorry. No refunds. - Okay, then take me to dinner.
- You asking me on a date? - I am.
Now, you realize that coffee and the pie
at the diner was a teacher-student thing?
Okay. If you say so.
I do. It's a whole new world out there.
I can't be using my position as a teacher, as a mentor...
For God's sake, it's just dinner!
I'd be honored.
You're all witnesses. She asked me.
- Yeah? - Yeah, how you doin'?
Uh, your mother.
Mom, he's here.
Invite him in!
Thank you.
Hm. It's very nice.
- What is? - Your house, it's... it's nice.
Sandy.
And you are?
- Mathew. - Mathew.
That's a... that's a pretty good name.
- People call you Mat? - No.
And why would they?
Be right there, Sandy!
No hurry!
Just getting to know Mat... thew.
Yeah, making friends wherever I go.
- Sorry. - Wow. You look great.
Thanks. So, uh, so do you.
So... shall we?
You know, you didn't have to come all this way.
- I could've met you. - No, I'm old school.
You pick a lady up for dinner and you return her safely home.
That is so wonderfully archaic.
Well, that's my rap name, Wonderfully Archaic.
Oh. See you later, Mathew!
So you met my son.
- I did. - Yeah.
- Kind of a dick, isn't he? - Well, he's young.
His mother's going out to dinner with some strange guy.
- Hm. - Gotta cut him some slack.
You are a very kind man.
In 200 feet, turn right on Oakdale Avenue.
This is a real classic Mercedes, isn't it?
Oh, yeah. I bought it from Heinrich Himmler.
He only drove it to work.
In 500 feet, turn right on Ventura Boulevard.
I know! Stop hounding me!
- You know, I miss getting lost. - Hm.
- Remember the Thomas Guide? - Oh, yeah.
I used to live on the crease.
Nobody could ever find my house.
Now what?
- Can you see who that is? - Oh. Yeah.
Ooh, Mindy.
That is my daughter.
Excuse me.
Hey, sweetie. Everything okay?
When?
Oh, God. No, all right. I'll meet you there.
Mindy, I said I'm coming. I'm coming.
What's wrong?
They just rushed a friend of mine to the hospital.
Is it serious?
- I think so, yeah. - Aw.
I gotta go over there.
Um...
Could I please have a rain check?
- Oh, of course. - I'm really sorry.
No, no, no. Don't be ridiculous. We'll do this another time. Hm.
Thank you, thank you.
This is gonna sound weird,
but I told her about you, and she wants to meet you.
- Who? - My... my sick friend.
You told her about me?
Yeah. You know, we were... we were talking and... and it came up.
Let's go.
- You sure? - I wanna meet her, too.
Thank you.
Mindy!
Is she okay?
You have to talk to him. He won't leave her.
Okay.
- Dad. - I'm going, all right?
Lisa, this is my daughter, Mindy.
Mindy, this is my date, Lisa.
You're on a date?
Norman...
Yep.
She wanted to die at home. I panicked.
I called an ambulance.
I'm so sorry.
She got terr-terribly...
angry at me.
She was in extraordinary pain. What could I do?
It's all right. Let-let's go, Norman.
No. I'm staying here. I don't want to leave her.
You're not leaving her.
She's always gonna be right here.
You're always gonna remember her right here.
- She's gonna be right here. - Thanks.
Thank you. Well... well, it's a nice thought.
I appreciate that. Thank you.
Come on. Let's go.
Is that your line, or did you hear it in a movie somewhere?
I'm really not sure.
- Who-who is, who... - Oh, this is Lisa.
Um, I... I mentioned her to Eileen
and Eileen wanted to meet her and...
I don't understand. Uh, Eileen...
Well, we didn't, we didn't know that when we came down here.
Oh, yeah.
How are you? Nice to meet you.
- I'm sorry for your loss. - Thank you.
You can do better than him.
Mindy, can you take Lisa home, and, uh, I'll take Norman?
- Yeah. - Okay?
Thanks, sweetie.
When was the last time you ate?
I don't know.
What do you say we go find some takeout?
Uh-huh.
How do you get out of here?
Not a clue.