- Iced tea. - Mm. Thanks.
Diet Dr Pepper and Jack.
Thank you, Alex.
You're on a first-name basis?
Oh, yeah.
I was the emcee at his granddaughter's quinceañera.
[chuckles]
I think I'm the youngest person in here.
That's another reason why I love this place.
They give me the kids' menu.
[laughs]
Busboy looks like he's 70 years old.
Ricky. Yeah, he's been here a while.
He used to be Roberto Durán's sparring partner.
Oh.
Sometimes you see him get lost on the way to the kitchen.
Oh! [chuckles]
Are you sure you don't want a real drink?
Uh... Can't. I tweaked my back.
I'm taking a muscle relaxer.
- Oh, sorry. - [rattling]
No, I was... I was just dragging the garbage out to the... the street...
Wait, it gets worse. I once got whiplash from sneezing.
Oh, no!
[laughs]
- This is nice, huh? Yeah. - Yeah.
- Been a long time. - It has.
I'm glad you called.
Mm.
So, what's, uh... What's new?
How is your son doing?
He graduated from high school by the skin of his teeth,
and then, uh, believe it or not, joined the army.
That's a good move for him.
Our army, right?
Well, ISIS passed.
Okay. [chuckles] Is he stationed somewhere safe?
Alabama.
So, no.
And how about you? You still with the, uh, brawny paper towel guy?
His name is William.
Right, right, right. William. The quicker picker-upper. Right.
Uh... No. No, um, that was...
That was not meant to be.
And you? You... You seeing anybody?
Well, you talk to Mindy on a regular basis.
You tell me.
You haven't been on a date in three months.
- Really? It's been that long? - Yeah, well...
Well, I've been busy with work, looking after Norman.
- How's he doin'? - Well, are you sitting down?
Mm.
He reconnected with a woman he dated in the '60s,
and they picked up right where they left off.
- No! - Yes! Son of a bitch got laid.
[laughs]
Oh, God!
- Well, will wonders never cease? - Yeah.
Speaking of which...
why did we cease?
Oh, good segue.
I thought so.
Come on, you really wanna rehash this?
- Come on, we were good together. - Uh...
Oh, gosh. Should've gotten something with alcohol.
Lisa, I will happily own that I made some mistakes,
but nothing too terrible.
I mean, it's not like I slept with your bipolar sister-in-law.
- Because I have done that. - [chuckles]
Let me ask you something.
Supposing we were to start again...
I like where this is going.
What if we took sex off the table?
What? Do you wanna get married?
[laughs] Come on. Come on.
I mean, at this point in your life,
how important is it?
Very important.
Despite appearances, I can still deliver the mail.
If I'm given fair warning.
Be honest with me. You go to bed at night.
What is more important? A good lay or a good night's sleep?
[laughs] Well, doesn't one usually flow into the other?
You know what I'm talking about.
Okay. Okay, I will admit my priorities have shifted a bit,
but I still like sex.
Or at least the idea of it.
What does that mean?
Okay, it's like this. [clears throat]
Every time I go to Art's Deli,
I buy a quarter pound of pastrami that I take home,
even though I won't eat it because it gives me heartburn.
So what's the point?
I like knowing it's in the fridge.
Oh, no! [laughing]
So... In your entire life,
you have never had a woman who wasn't just a friend?
Lisa, I try to keep up with the times,
but I'm of a generation where if a guy has women friends,
it means he's playing on the other team.
- [laughs] That's horrible. - It's the truth.
Oh!
So you're incapable of growth and change?
Not entirely. I've got a Roomba.
Aah. Oh! [chuckles]
But for you,
I will give it the old college try.
The old college try?
- Boola boola, baby. - No.
Did I ever tell you the story of Raymond Qualls?
I mean, there's not much story to it.
He was a boy I had a crush on when I was 13 or so.
He was a real rough-looking boy.
Beat-up Levi's,
messy hair,
and this terrible underbite.
But he had the most beautiful cowboy boots.
Shiny chocolate leather.
I decided I needed to get me a pair of those boots,
and I knew he'd ask me to go steady.
And I saw them in a window downtown.
Lord, I must've asked my momma a hundred times. [chuckles]
"Now, what do you want for Christmas, Vi?"
"Oh, Momma, I'll give anything for those boots."
You know, bargaining.
And she started hinting about a package under the tree.
"Now, Vi, don't go looking and cheating before Christmas morning."
Well, Christmas morning, and I was up like a shot,
and I tore open that package like it was nobody's business.
They were a pair of boots, all right.
Pair of men's work boots.
Caked in mud and dog shit.
Chewed-up laces and holes in the toes.
Hm.
[sighs] Lord, my momma laughed for days.
You see...
My momma was a real mean...
nasty lady.
I suppose that's where I get it from.
End scene.
[Sandy] All right.
That was well done, Darshani.
It was, uh, simple, honest.
You were never commenting on the character. You just let her speak.
Thank you.
Let me ask you a question. [clears throat]
Why did you pick that speech?
I guess I liked how she was vulnerable when she was young, and then...
got mean.
Really? Does that sound like anybody you know?
Oh.
I'm proud of you. That was brave work.
Thanks, Sandy.
All right. That's it for tonight. I'll see you all next week.
Remember your observation exercises.
You need to be doing that all the time.
Did you really mean it about the good work?
I really did. Please keep it up.
Is... Is there any chance you might have time to work with me, just, like...
one on one?
Yeah, I don't know. [sighs]
I think at your level, you get as much benefit
watching other people work as doing the work yourself.
Are you sure?
If it was just you and me, I feel like I'd be...
like, a lot more open.
Like, I could take more chances.
Oh, for Christ's sake, she's coming on to me.
I could come over to your place.
I need this like I need a hole in the head.
Have you ever had vegan lasagna? It's incredible.
Although it is sad when you think about it.
Wasn't that long ago I was just a hard-on with a hundred-dollar haircut.
...for me, I have a...
Now I look at a girl like this and all I see is trouble.
Right here in River City. Trouble with a capital T,
and that rhymes with P and that stands for pool.
Music Man. Great show.
You probably heard about me and Jude...
Maybe Lisa's right. Maybe sex doesn't matter anymore.
Sure, there was a time I'd crawl through broken glass for a girl like this.
Check into a hotel room,
get hammered and do shameful things to each other.
Now all I want her to do is stop talking so I can take a leak.
I have hot yoga...
Interesting. As testosterone decreases, morality increases.
I should write that down. That's good stuff.
...spiritual, you know?
Oh, God, she's still talking.
- ...to be distracted... - Darshani, listen.
I really think we should keep the work in the classroom.
- But I know I could get more done if... - The work stays in the classroom.
Capisce?
Ca-what?
Understand?
Yeah.
But feel free to bring the vegan lasagna here to share with everybody else.
[sighs] Sure.
- I'll see you next week. - Whatever.
And now she hates me.
Oh, well. That was gonna happen either way.
[Sandy] Honestly, I don't see
how you could have handled it better.
- You're being facetious. - Mm.
Not at all. You only have two women in your life,
your daughter and your girlfriend, and you managed to chase them both away.
Why do I bother talking to you?
Who else you got?
You want my advice?
Oh, please, wise one, guide me.
See, I was being facetious. You're being an asshole.
- Tell me. - You need to apologize to Phoebe.
Eh.
For all you know, she's sincerely trying to get her act together.
Eight rehabs, Sandy. Eight.
Okay, so, uh... two more, you get a free cappuccino.
Take the high road. See what happens.
And what about Madelyn?
Now, that is a little tougher.
Why?
She got a glimpse of who you really are.
You can't do that with women.
[phone buzzes]
Trust me. It's never good.
Well, well.
Hey, pal.
- Oh, cute. - I thought so.
What's up?
I have got a DVD of the new Scorsese movie.
I thought you might like to come over tomorrow night and watch it with me.
- Love to. Where'd you get the screener? - My neighbor's in the Directors Guild.
He lends them to me, and I let him toss his empty tequila bottles in my garbage.
Quid pro Cuervo. Good deal.
I got a class. 8:00, 8:30, is that too late?
Perfect. I'll see you then.
You got it, buddy.
Stop that.
[chuckles]
[sighs]
What do you think about having women as friends?
You mean like acquaintances?
No, I mean friends. Good friends. Best friends.
In my experience, that's generally a gay thing.
Right!
Thank you.
For what?
See that girl there?
That's my daughter.
She's a graduate of Vassar.
She's three credits shy of a master's degree in art history.
Oh, nice.
Yeah.
And my grandson, her son,
he's a top executive of the Church of Scientology in Florida.
- Whew. You must be very proud. - [scoffs]
Bursting at the seams.
- [Phoebe] Next! - Bye.
Surprise!
Oh, wow.
- Hi! - Hi!
Can I get you something?
Sure. Why not?
What's match-a tea?
Um...
So, it's "mut-cha." It's powdered green tea. Good for you.
Loaded with antioxidants.
I don't know. I'm more pro-oxidant.
How about a swirl of vanilla?
You got it.
[sighs]
Phoebe, I would like to apologize for the other night.
You're kidding?
I need to apologize for the last 35 years.
Really? Well...
Then maybe you should go first.
Are those sprinkles? Let me have some sprinkles.
No, the chocolate.
Um... You wanna do this now?
Unless you're too busy.
All right.
For starters, I...
won't waste your time saying I'm sorry.
You've heard that from me too many times.
I'm glad you know that because I really hate it when you apologize.
Ooh! Blueberries. A couple of blueberries.
- Just two. - Oh, sorry.
I am gonna make up for all the damage I've done.
- And how do you plan to do that? - Well,
first of all, by paying you back
all the money you've given me, all the money you've spent on rehab.
That's quite a lot.
- You get how old I am, right? - I'll hurry.
Uh... Ooh. M&M's. Plain.
And secondly, by being a daughter you can rely on.
Someone you can trust.
So... you'd be someone else.
Sorta.
Or maybe who I really am.
Daddy...
There are really no words to express
how sorry I am for everything I put you and Mom through.
I'm gonna have to show you.
Okay. Well, that's wonderful.
And I am getting the stink eye from my 19-year-old boss. [chuckles]
Can we talk more another time?
Oh, sure. Sorry.
Just one question, though. Why are you working in a yogurt store?
Because I have no skills.
You could work at the agency.
You could represent actors, writers, directors.
That doesn't require skills.
Thanks.
But I really need to do this on my own.
No shortcuts.
All right. I respect that.
What do I owe you?
It's on me.
You're gonna put money in the till, not cheat the store?
I'll put money in.
Good girl.
I love you.
Yeah. I love you, too.
Next!
[sighs]
Nope, friends do not get boners.
- You still taking that muscle relaxant... - Mm.
...for your back?
It's okay. It's just wine.
- Mm-hm. - Mm.
"I will not steal, borrow or share this movie."
Hm.
I agree.
[both laughing]
Paaaace yourself.
Fuuuuck yourself.
[both laugh]
Haaaah...
[tires squeal on TV]
[gunshots on TV]
Can I tell you something and you...
promise not to tell?
Sure.
I... I... I didn't hurt my back
taking the garbage out.
- Really? - Really.
So how... how did it happen?
[laughs]
- What? - It's so embarrassing. Yeah.
Well, now you've gotta tell me.
Mmm!
Aah... Okay.
I was in the bathroom.
And you know when you...
take the toilet paper
and then you...
reach around behind you...
You are kidding me.
You did it wiping your ass?
[both laugh]
No, don't say it. I fucked it.
- Yes! - Oh, God! I've done that.
- You have? - Yes.
- Oh! It was fucking awful. - Yes!
- It's the worst. - You can't call for help.
I had to crawl into the shower to clean myself.
Oh!
- God! - I actually started crying.
[both laughing]
- Ohhh... - Oh!
Oh. Huh.
- Oh-ho! - Ohh.
- Hey, hey! - [both laughing]
- Hey, Lis. [chuckles] - Yeah?
Uh, your hand's on my genitals.
Hm... Oh.
Yeah.
Friends don't do that, right?
[laughs]
- So, um... - Ahh...
- What's goin' on? - I don't know.
- [giggles] - You don't?
Well, maybe it's not having sex that's...
kinda sexy.
I'm gonna go powder my nose,
and you...
meet me...
in my bedroom.
[chuckles]
Oh!
Uh-oh.
Come on! Come on!
Damn it! Open, you bastard.
[siren blares]
[man on loudspeaker] Everything okay, sir?
What? Huh...
Uh... Yes, yes, officer. Thank you.
Hello?
Please exit the vehicle and keep your hands where we can see them.
Oh, shit.
Uh... It's okay. This is my car,
and this is, uh, prescription medicine for my, um...
Uh... It... It's a prescription medicine.
Last warning.
Exit the vehicle with your hands above your head.
Oh, man.
[radio chatter]
Really, 20mg?
Hey, I'm 70 years old. Give me a break.
I take five.
Yeah, well, when I was your age, I didn't take shit.
I needed a pill to not get a hard-on.
- We okay? - Yeah, it's clean.
Sorry. We had some break-ins in the neighborhood.
We have to be careful.
Sure.
Good luck tonight.
- [both chuckle] - Thanks.
Believe this guy? I'm looking right at his driver's license
and he lies about his age.
Hey, 70 is my age on my IMDb.
[both laugh]
Oh, Lisa!
Lisa?
[knocks]
Lisa?
Oh, shit.
Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi.
Ugh.
Okay.
All right.
Let's get you to bed. Okay?
Let's get up. One, two, three. Up you go. Up... Your back...
- [Lisa] Whoa! - [both groan]
[groans]
Okay.
What now?
Well, that's not gonna work.
Okay.
[Lisa] Whee! [chuckles]
- [grunts] - Gosh.
- [groans] - Let me just...
- [Lisa] Okay. - Here we go.
- [Lisa] Oh... - All right.
- Yeah. [sighs] - All right.
I'm gonna put you in bed.
- Okay. Put you in bed. Okay. - You got it?
I got... I got it. I...
You don't got it.
[grunts]
Mmm.
[panting]
[groans]
[moaning]
Fuck Cialis!
I need Advil.
Good night, buddy.
Sorry, pal.
[sighs]
[phone rings]
[sighs]
- Hello? - Madelyn, it's Norman.
Hi, Norman.
I just want you to know how sorry I am about the other night,
and that I went to Phoebe and apologized.
Well, I'm glad to hear that.
Yeah, I have a good feeling about it. I... I think maybe she'll be okay.
I hope you're right.
So when can I see you again?
Oh, I leave tomorrow morning.
Um, I'm going to visit my son and his family in Seattle.
Okay. Well, when are you coming back?
Oh, I'm... I'm not sure. I'll, um...
I'll let you know.
Uh-huh. Okay. Well, I'll miss you.
Yes, well, um...
I'll give you a holler when I'm back.
Yes, please do that.
Bye.
[sighs]
[snoring]
[snorts]
- [groans] - [footsteps]
- What the fuck? - [chuckles] Hey!
Look who returned to the land of the living.
I made you some coffee. No sugar. Almond milk.
Yes. Thank you.
[sighs]
What happened?
Nothing. You passed out, and I... I put you to bed.
Did we...
No! No...
We're... We're just friends.
You got some vomit on your chin here...
Oh... [mumbles]
Okay.
Okay, I gotta go.
[sighs] All right.
You feel better, huh?
Ugh.
Huh.
[sighs]
- All right! - Way to go!
[laughing]
Thank you.
- Twenty-milligram man. - All night long.
[chuckling]