Okay, so this is a monologue from the movie Apocalypse Now.
- Really? - Yeah.
Colonel Kurtz. Brando. Cop-pole-a.
Cop-pola. [sighs]
Okay, you got the stage.
[clears throat]
[sighs]
I've seen horrors.
Horrors that you've seen.
But you have no right to call me a murderer.
You have a right to kill me.
You have a right to do that.
But you have no right to judge me.
It's impossible for words to describe what is necessary
to those who do not know what horror means.
Hah!
Horror.
Horror has a face.
And you must make a friend of horror.
Horror and moral terror are your friends.
If they're not, they're enemies to be feared.
And they are truly enemies.
Okay, let's stop there.
But I'm almost at the part where the kid's arms get chopped off.
I don't care.
Darshani...
why did you pick that monologue?
I thought it'd be cool.
Gender-bending.
It's bullshit, is what it is. You know?
Honey, you've been in my class for what, um... a year now?
When are you gonna drop this cool, detached, ironic thing
and try some real acting?
I thought that's what I was doing.
[chuckles] Oh, no. No.
You have never once committed on being honest in your work here.
That is so not fair.
Where do you intersect with the horror of the Vietnam War?
All you've done is a... is a campy version of a great speech.
And just for the record,
being campy is making fun of things you don't have the talent to do.
Well, maybe you just don't get it.
[scoffs] Oh, I get it.
Believe me, I get it.
Every time that you've stepped on my stage, you've brought this...
snide, sarcastic attitude towards the scripts,
the exercises, the audience,
the whole idea of acting as an art form.
And you know why?
Because you're afraid.
You're afraid to show us who you really are.
Why are you being so mean to me?
Come on. What's your deal?
When did you decide to be such a cool block of ice?
Shut up!
Who hurt your feelings and made you such a scared little girl?
Fuck you, Sandy! You fucking loser!
Okay, uh, we've still got a little time. Who wants to go next?
Nobody?
Jude?
Oh, not a chance.
You wanna know? You really wanna know?
Yes, I really wanna know.
Fine.
Ever since I was 12 years old, I couldn't keep guys off of me.
My step-brother, my uncle, even my cousin Stephanie.
Don't tell me.
Tell them. Tell them.
My fat,
smelly cousin Stephanie.
Everybody wanted to touch Darshani.
Everybody wanted to fuck Darshani.
[sobs] I had two choices.
Kill myself, or...
[sobs] just...
shut it all down.
Either way...
I had to not feel it anymore.
[sobs] I had to make myself numb!
Are you happy?
- Is that what you wanted to hear? - No.
But thank you for telling me.
Now...
Listen closely. Um...
I'm so sorry for what you've had to go through,
for how badly you were treated.
But if you're brave enough, and I think you are,
then you can let all these feelings come out in your work.
Darshani, look at me. Look.
It's time to make a new choice.
And I would recommend one
that makes you fully alive, which means...
being sad,
angry,
frightened,
exhilarated, all of it.
Then we'll see what kind of actress you can become.
And I'm betting...
you're gonna be great.
In case anybody asks, your father is a great acting coach.
What happened? You make somebody cry?
Yeah. I just had a big breakthrough with that kid Darshani.
Way to go.
You know that bullshit ego of hers? It was a defense mechanism.
Mm.
Next step, to make her a successful actress
so she can have the kind of ego that ruins the lives of everybody around her.
Sandy Kominsky, making monsters since 1981.
That's what I do.
Hey, what a great dinner last night. Thanks again.
Sure.
I'll be honest with you, I didn't think I was gonna like Martin,
actually looking forward to not liking him,
but, damn, if he didn't win me over. [sighs]
I'm glad.
Yeah, I think we made a nice connection.
Mm-hm.
[sighs]
Everything okay?
[sighs] You betcha.
Mindy...
Okay, yeah, there is something.
Well, tell me.
What the fuck kind of weed did you smoke with him?
Just my usual sativa. Why?
He was hallucinating for hours.
I was afraid he was gonna have a heart attack.
Really? He was fine when I left.
A little bit of a chatty Cathy, but he was fine.
Anytime you want, we can go check out the Erewhon store
where I get my prostate supplements.
Lots to choose from.
Some of it's worthless, but some of it's simply magical.
Great. Look forward to it.
Yeah, and they also have these awesome veggie and fruit smoothies,
- locally sourced produce, no pesticides. - Ooh!
- Sounds delicious. - I don't love the paper straws.
They give you paper straws, you can't get a good suck outta 'em,
but I'm telling you, the smoothie itself's lovely.
- Good night. - Okay. Call me!
Well, he didn't stay that way.
He had a complete meltdown.
If we don't put the Silly Putty back in the egg,
well, then it's all dried up, and then it's not silly anymore, is it?
Forget about trying to play with the Sunday funnies, that's not happening.
You gotta put it in the egg. Put it... God damn it.
You're kidding!
Why would I kid about that?
And what the hell are the Sunday funnies?
Long time ago, what we'd call the comic section in the Sunday paper,
you could lift the images off with Silly Putty.
It was a pretty cool trick.
Fuck you, cool trick.
I had to crush up a Xanax, slip it in his chamomile
to get him to calm down.
Jeez, Min, I don't know what to tell you.
It was just your garden-variety marihoochie.
You were fine afterward?
Yeah.
Uh, on the way home, I stopped at an In-N-Out and got a double-double
which gave me the runs, but otherwise it was jim-dandy.
Well, whatever caused it, it was an awful night.
You've chosen to be with an older man, Mindy.
You've got to expect some physical and emotional damage.
[door opens]
The truth worked!
All hail the truth!
Exhibit A.
With the pressure off, we kissed, we cuddled, we slept.
And then, at the crack of dawn...
Mindy, cover your ears.
- What? - Your ears! Cover them!
At the crack of dawn, I was like...
I was like an Egyptian obelisk.
I can still hear you.
I gotta tell you, it's so nice to see you happy again.
Well, thank you. It's actually been so long that I...
I didn't recognize the feeling.
I... I thought it might...
might have been a slow-moving aneurysm.
So, when are you gonna see her again?
She's driving down tomorrow.
- Oh, staying at your place? - Yes, siree Bob.
Can I give you a little advice?
Can I stop you?
Welcome back, sir.
Well, thank you, Alex. You're looking good.
Kind of you to lie.
Absolut martini?
Absolutely.
And bring my friend his usual crime against humanity.
Jack Daniel's and Dr Pepper?
Diet Dr Pepper, Alex. Thank you.
Your advice?
To help Madelyn be comfortable at your place,
maybe consider taking down some of the pictures of Eileen.
No, I couldn't do that. Not a chance.
But when you were at her home,
were there pictures of her deceased husband all over the place?
I counted two of them.
Uh, one of him horseback riding, another on a cruise ship.
I love that you did reconnaissance.
Oh, oh, and I found a vase that might have had his ashes in it.
Ugh! That didn't bother you?
Not at all. If anything, it was invigorating.
If you wanna feel really alive, hold the burnt remains of another guy.
[rattling]
Oh, look at him.
Making the mundane exciting.
- Thank you, Alex. - Alex, thank you.
I'm just saying, for most people,
normal people, pictures and mementos
of former spouses and lovers can cause a lot of trouble.
Right. And how many times were you married again?
You know exactly how many times.
And do not get me started on mattresses.
After every divorce or breakup, I had to buy a new mattress
so the new girlfriend doesn't imagine me burning calories on the old mattress.
You should've bought stock in Sealy Posturepedic.
Did you know that I had to change all the toilet seats for my third wife?
That was the drug addict?
She had no fear of heroin or cocaine or pills,
but was haunted by images of my old girlfriends taking a shit.
Oh, thank you. Now I'm haunted by that image.
Yeah, sorry. Cheers.
Aah. Okay, let's order.
[phone rings]
Speaking of drug addicts.
- What? - My daughter.
Hi, Phoebe. How are you?
Uh-huh. Yeah.
Okay.
You sure? Because, if you need another month...
Well, all right, then.
Terrific, can't wait.
Okay.
Bye.
What's up?
My daughter has successfully completed her drug and alcohol rehabilitation.
Well, that's great news, right?
Yeah, she's coming home tomorrow.
So?
Ohhhh.
Oh, she doesn't know about Madelyn.
No.
- And she's gonna meet Madelyn. - Yeah.
[chuckles]
- Aah! - You find it funny?
No, no, no. So sorry, no.
[laughs]
Jesus Christ.
[Madelyn] Norman, where's your spice rack?
I'll be right there.
[sighs]
Oh, dear.
Try the cabinet by the...
Why did you hide these?
I... I didn't want you to feel uncomfortable.
Oh, sweetie, I know how much you loved her. It's okay.
You sure?
Yes. I'm very sure. These need to go back up.
Okay, I will.
All I ask is that maybe...
you could get a new mattress.
[laughs]
- What? - No, nothing.
My friend Sandy is not an idiot, that's all.
- [chuckles] - So, listen.
- Come here, we have to talk. - Okay.
Is something wrong?
No. Uh... Well, maybe.
Should we have gone out for dinner? Is me using the kitchen too much?
No, no, no, it's fine. Eileen's happy that you're here.
I mean, she would be.
Well, so what is it?
I... I told you about my daughter.
Yes, Phoebe. Is she okay?
Yeah, she's fine. She finished her rehab today.
Oh! That's wonderful!
And...
she's on her way over here.
Here? Oh.
Oh, wow. Um...
Maybe it'd be best if I just left
so you two could have some private time together?
No, I don't want that.
Well, I mean, I totally understand.
I mean, she's just lost her mother and seeing me here is...
Madelyn, my daughter has been a drug addict and an alcoholic
for, I don't know, 25, 30 years.
She has no love for her mother and she tolerates me
for as long as I give her money.
So you are not leaving.
She doesn't get to interfere with my life.
With our life.
I'm sorry.
But...
I mean, is it possible that the rehab helped her?
Maybe she's a better person now.
She goes to those places to get the heat off.
And then it's right back to her old routines.
So you've completely given up hope
that your daughter can get her life together?
Yeah, and I'm at peace with it.
Well, you don't look like you're at peace.
Trust me. Inside, I'm... I am a Sea of Tranquility.
Uh, I am Shangri-La.
[laughs]
I am!
Uh... Excuse me.
Do you know where I could find Sandy? Kominsky?
Try his office.
This one? Thank you.
Hey!
Hey, baby. Hi.
What are you doin' here?
I'm taking your father to Erewhon. We're gonna get some prostate supplements.
Come with me.
- Sorry. - Yeah.
He's old enough to be her grandpa.
That was not a grandpa kiss.
Unless he's a bad grandpa.
[gasps] I think I know why Sandy pees so much.
Look who I found.
Hey, you made it!
There he is. Hey!
Hey, you were right. Google Maps.
- Better than Waze? - Oh, without question.
The woman's voice, so much more pleasing.
Did you give him the, uh, nickel tour?
No.
You gotta see this place. Come on. Built a little theater.
- Really? - Excuse me? Hello?
What are you doing?
Showing him around, then we're gonna go get some supplements.
Little show and supplements.
Love you! [kisses]
Don't smoke pot!
Thank you.
[doorbell rings]
Hi, Daddy.
You cut your hair.
Yeah. You like it?
I do. Come on in.
Thanks.
- Need help? - No, I got it. I'm good.
You hungry? There's dinner.
Yeah, I could eat.
Well, you look good. Healthy.
I am. Thank you.
More than I could say, thank you.
Yeah, I'm glad. Listen, I should tell you, somebody will be joining us for dinner.
- Sandy? - No.
How's he doing, by the way?
Uh... I don't know, he's fine. Uh... it's a woman.
Oh! Okay.
Her name is Madelyn.
We were friends many years ago before I met your mother.
Wow, that's...
Gon... That's gonna be like–
Almost 50 years. Anyway, she and I recently reconnected.
Reconnected like...
Don't be vulgar.
Sorry.
Now, before you say anything more,
I am fully aware that it's been a short time since your mother...
I'm so happy for you.
- You are? - I am.
I don't want you to be alone.
Come on, introduce me.
So, Marty, I gotta ask you a question.
Addis Ababa!
What?
Capital of Ethiopia. Addis Ababa.
- That wasn't my question. - I know.
[yells] But wouldn't it have been amazing if it was?
Sorry. Oh, I'm so loud. Okay.
Sorry, go ahead.
- You're what, uh... 65? - 66.
- And a half.
Sure.
And Mindy is 32.
Uh...
She's actually 33.
- Really? - Mm-hm.
I missed her birthday?
Was she upset?
A little bit.
But don't worry, I talked to her.
Well, what did you say?
Just told her to cut you some slack.
It's when you were goin' through your whole health scare. She understood.
Okay. Thank you.
Happy to help. So, what was your question?
Oh, shit.
[laughs]
- That happens. - Ah.
- Yeah, a lot. - Yeah. [chuckles]
- And this sure doesn't help. - Probably not.
[chuckles]
Remember we used to get the nickel bags
filled with all the stems and seeds?
Yeah.
Believe it or not, I once bought some hashish.
Turned out to be rabbit shit.
[laughs]
Oh, shit, really?
How would I know what rabbit shit looked like?
Pellets. Rabbits, yeah, little... Little brown pellets.
- I didn't know! - [laughs]
Oh, man! Well, did you get high?
I got pink eye!
[laughing]
Well, if it makes you feel any better,
when I was in high school,
I bought some acid,
it turned out to be tetracycline.
Of course you did.
You have a good trip?
No, but my skin cleared up.
[sighs]
- What's happening? - [sobs]
[groans]
Whew. Sorry.
[chuckles]
I don't know, I just... I got a... It's just been a...
It's been so long since I had a...
A guy friend.
Since I...
Somebody to joke around with and somebody I can actually talk to.
But it's just... I don't know. I... [chuckles] Sorry.
Maybe Mindy's right.
Maybe you shouldn't be smoking this shit.
Yeah.
Maybe.
Hey, Mindy's friend Lisa really likes you.
You met Lisa?
Yeah. We had dinner with Lisa and... and... and... uh...
Her beau. Big handsome dopey guy.
But what did she say?
She just kept asking Mindy about you.
How are you doin', and are you seeing anybody?
It... It was, like, so obvious.
Really?
May God strike me dead.
How freaked out would you have been if I died right there?
- Martin, you're a strange bird. - [laughs] Hey, you know what?
You teach high school for 38 years, uh...
you get a little bent.
Well, this is very encouraging.
- Hm? - Very encouraging.
What say we go buy something to shrink the gland in my ass?
- Yeah. - Lead on, Macduff!
You know, it's actually "Lay on, Macduff."
- What is? - What you said.
- Really? - Yeah.
"Lay on, Macduff,
and damned be he that cries, 'Hold, enough!'"
Macduff rhymes with enough.
- Holy shit. Fucking Shakespeare, huh? - [chuckles]
- [laughter] - [Phoebe] Wait.
This one was a hippie?
The hair, the clothes. The whole thing.
Oh, my God.
I wasn't a hippie. I was a beatnik.
- What's the difference? - Yeah.
Hippies were peace and love,
the beatniks were cool and clapped like this.
There must be pictures. Why have I never seen pictures?
- Because I destroyed them. - You did not!
I... I certainly did.
Don't worry, I have plenty of them.
- Please. I must see them. - Mm-hm. [chuckles]
So, how long did you two date?
Mm.
Gosh, was it, um... a year or so?
- Mm. - Yeah.
And this was...
1966, '67.
'68. Nixon had just gotten elected president,
- which proved how stupid people can be. - [laughs]
'68.
Hm.
Well, then his work took him to Los Angeles, where he met your mom.
And I stayed back in New York with my Christopher.
And now here we are.
Well...
I can't tell you how happy I am that you've found each other again.
It's like the most romantic thing I've heard.
It is, isn't it?
I'm sorry, I... I can't do this.
I just can't.
[Martin] Here it is.
Prostatrinex.
Huh. See... "Guaranteed to shrink your prostate
and restore a healthy urine flow."
Jesus. Can you say that any louder?
Sorry! Sorry. Look, see? It's got... It's got a money-back guarantee.
Martin, in your life,
have you ever once asked for your money back on a product?
Uh... No.
- So what does that tell you? - It's a scam.
- Good for you! - Yeah.
I don't know, still... I find it reassuring.
That's the scam!
All right. See, look. It's got... It's got, uh, beta-sitosterol
and saw palmetto, that's what you want.
- What's saw palmetto? - Saw palmetto. That's a... That's a...
That's a naturally occurring thing. It's like... It's like a fruit or a berry.
It's a... I don't know what it is.
- Fuck it, I'll try it. - Give it a try.
FYI, they also sell, uh, quite a few natural supplements
for, uh, erectile dysfunction.
- You're sleeping with my daughter, Martin. - Eh. Sorry.
- I can't talk to you about dick stuff. - Sorry!
- It's the pot. - Yeah.
- I get chatty. - Fine.
Care to explain yourself?
I'm sorry, I can't look at her
without wondering when the other shoe will drop.
And believe me, there's always another shoe.
She's like an apple tree, but with shoes.
Sweetheart, you just have to give it time. And a little trust.
That's all I've ever had. Her mother and I had nothing but trust.
And over and over again, she just crushed it.
Well, be that as it may, right now,
your daughter is sitting in that kitchen a scared and lonely girl.
Girl? She's 45!
Last time she was here, she was having hot flashes!
[Madelyn] She's doing her best, and that's what you need to do now.
Madelyn, she is a manipulator.
She has spent her whole life playing people.
She tells people what they want to hear so she can get something from them.
I'm not doubting that's what she was.
But I just had dinner with a person who is sweet,
funny, quite fragile...
and filled with love for her father.
She's filled with bullshit.
That's what she's filled with.
Okay.
That's it.
I'm leaving.
Why?
Because I don't like you right now.
Madelyn, you don't understand
because you raised two children
who became productive, self-sufficient adults.
You didn't have to go through the endless merry-go-round of shrinks,
and rehabs and sober coaches and equine fucking therapy!
Oh!
Get over it.
I called for an Uber.
Oh, calm down, you don't have to go anywhere.
I think I do.
Where are you gonna stay?
Don't worry about it.
You need money?
Again, don't worry about it.
You can live without me.
Do not let her get away.
[phone buzzing]
[applause on TV]
Huh.
Well, this is a nice surprise.
Hey, Lisa. It's Sandy.
Uh, yeah, I... I know.
What's up?
Mmm... Not much.
I just called to say hi.
Okay. Hi.
Yeah, hi.
Hi-di-hi-di-ho.
[laughs]