Norman!
Why didn't you tell me you're doing this?
Saw no reason to bother you.
How can it be a bother? I... I'm your friend.
I'm sorry. The next time my wife dies
and I donate her clothes to charity, I'll be sure to give you a heads-up.
That's all I'm asking.
Just need a signature.
Okay.
May I say that you and your colleagues have more than lived up to your name?
What?
Goodwill. It was palpable.
[sighs]
- Ready? - Yeah.
What do you know about opium?
Tried it a few times in the '60s, it's not my thing.
Why?
- I'm thinking of becoming an addict. - Oh, really?
Yeah. Like Dickens or Keats.
Oh, you mean a writer?
No, no, just an addict.
No needles, that's more jazz musician.
Good to have goals.
[Norman] I'm looking for a way to manifest my existential despair.
No offense, uh, but you're already pretty gloomy.
I think I can do better.
Must've been hard giving her stuff away.
It's harder to keep it.
It's... It's only been a few months. You just gotta hang in there.
"Hang in there." That's funny.
When I wake up in the morning,
I'm not sure if I'm relieved or disappointed.
Do you find yourself losing words more frequently?
Losing them, how?
Yeah, you're talking to someone
and you need a word to finish your thought,
a simple word, nothing out of the ordinary,
- and it's... it's... it's missing. - [chuckles]
It's just gone.
Oh, yeah, yeah. All the time.
Does it concern you?
[Sandy] So, if it's not in the script,
it's up to you to figure out what your character was doing
before the scene began.
Were you, uh, working?
Were you eating?
Maybe you weren't doing anything at all. You know, you were just, um...
Uh... You know, you... um...
Masturbating.
- No. - Trying not to cry.
- No, um... - Bringing shame upon your family?
- Shoplifting at Sephora? - No.
- Cutting yourself?
Jesus, no!
Get help.
Why... not masturbating?
Procrastinating!
- What? - That was the word I couldn't remember.
- So it happens to you? - Oh, yeah, yeah.
More than I like to admit.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
[laughs] It's impossible not to.
I think I fear that worse than cancer, even, um...
Oh, shit, what's his name? Um...
- [sighs] - What's whose name?
You know the guy.
- What guy? - Guy with the... the thing.
- What thing? - The thing they use to...
you know, to harvest the crops, um...
- A tractor? - No.
Mexican people?
[Sandy] You know, this is, like, the fourth funeral I've been to this month.
At our age, it's called having a social life.
[Sandy] Walter Winchell?
Good evening, Mr. and Mrs. America, and all the ships at sea.
Let's go to press.
Nobody ever checks these things.
At Margie Gerber's funeral, I signed in as Margie Gerber.
The Grim Reaper.
- What? - It's a scythe, for the crops.
- Keep your voice down. - Jesus, that was bothering me.
And now it's bothering everybody here.
Sorry.
Shall we?
[Sandy] Bye, Davey. We're gonna miss you.
Every time one of my friends passes away, I feel like I won a contest, like,
- "Ha ha, I lived longer, I beat you." - That's horrible.
Oh, yeah, like you don't feel the same way.
I do, but I don't say it in front of the guy.
He was worth eight figures.
That's a lot of dough to leave on the table.
Ideally, you want to spend your last nickel
just before you drop dead.
Then, ideally, I should have died about three weeks ago.
[Norman] He actually looks pretty good.
Is that a spray tan?
Could be.
I heard with Paulie Doogan,
they put the poor bastard's body in a tanning bed.
Came out looking like a piece of bacon.
Well, we should probably give our condolences to his wife.
Which one?
I'll take the mother of his children, you take the... What do you call it?
- Trophy. - Trophy!
That's a good deal. I'll meet you at the cold cuts.
- Got it. - [woman] Norman?
Madelyn?
Oh! [laughs]
Good, you remembered!
God, I don't believe it. Look at you. You're more beautiful than ever.
Oh, sh! [giggles]
Madelyn, this is my friend Sandy.
- Hello, how are you? - Hello.
Madelyn and I dated when, uh, what's-his-name was...
Uh...
Lyndon Johnson.
- Jesus, that's like 50... - Oh, please, no need to...
Sorry. It was before Eileen.
- Yeah, before Eileen. - Yeah.
We were hot and heavy for a bit.
It's a wonder that neither of us got hurt.
What are you talking about?
I was constantly pulling one muscle or another! [laughs]
[both laughing]
Excuse me. Would you mind taking this away from my husband?
- Oh! Sorry. Sorry. - Oh.
So, uh... what are you doing now? Where are you living?
Well, for the last few years, I've been living in Santa Barbara, but...
[clears throat]
- Uh, my condolences. - Thank you.
Davey, he was one of the good guys.
Yeah, he was.
- [sighs] Boy, did he love you. - [chuckles]
Yeah, I did see that.
A funny story, when you two started dating,
he was constantly sending me pictures of you sunbathing by the pool.
Why is that funny?
Well, it's not so much funny as it's insightful.
To show that he was... He was proud of you.
Hm.
Okay.
I deleted them.
Most of them.
[Norman] And best of all, her husband died four years ago.
[Sandy] That's just terrific.
Long illness, took a lot out of her,
but she seems to be on top of it now.
- Okay. Mm. - You know she speaks three languages?
- Whoa. - And has a degree in chemistry?
Wow.
- Chemistry! - I said "Wow."
Extraordinary woman.
[sighs] Maybe she can whip you up some opium.
What?
For your existential despair.
Ah.
No sense of irony, okay.
We exchanged numbers, said we'd get together.
[sighs] That's wonderful. I'm happy for you.
[sighs] Boy, oh, boy, what a great funeral.
I am gonna talk to him.
I just... I haven't found the right time yet.
No, I'm not embarrassed. Are you?
- Oh, hey, Sandy! - Hey...
Theresa.
I know your name, Theresa.
Oh, uh, this is my boyfriend, Marcus.
- Hey. - Hey.
- You living in there? - Yeah.
Okay, I'll see you later.
- See you. - Bye.
Why not get a little apartment?
Oh, it's too expensive. This way, I can save money for acting classes.
Well, what about Marcus? Does he have a job?
No, he's a bass player.
Love you too.
[door opens]
- I'll see you in there. - You bet, Theresa.
Did you know she's living in a van?
Yeah. About a year now.
Doesn't that bother you?
Well... a lot of the students...
rough it until they land a job, you know that.
"Hard times builds character, character builds talent."
Who said that?
You did.
It's in your book.
I have no memory of writing that.
So, a young girl living in a van
with a 90-pound googly-eyed bass player.
Guy looks like he's got rickets.
So buy him some fruit.
Don't you get it?
I'm making my living selling these kids on a dream
which, in all likelihood, will not come true.
Dad, you're teaching them to act.
Their dreams are their own.
[sighs]
Nobody dreams of living in a Ford Econoline.
Well, even if they don't make it, acting skills are useful all through life.
Yeah, they could all become Civil War reenactors.
Because Sandy Kominsky taught them how to die.
I'm gonna say something after class.
- Yeah, you do that. So, listen... - They need to know the harsh reality.
- Yeah, they sure do. - Better to hear it
- from somebody that they revere. - Or you.
Um, Dad, I... I need to tell you something important.
- Well, go on. What are you waiting for? - [sighs]
I've been seeing someone.
Oh.
Okay.
And it's getting serious.
Really? Wow.
Do I get to meet him?
I mean, I'm assuming it's a him, but either way, you know, I love you.
- Yes, it's a him. - What do I know? In college...
That was one semester and I was experimenting.
Got it. I know. That's what college is for, for women.
Guys, they don't experiment, it's either shirts or skins.
I... I'm sorry. Please, go ahead.
Um... And, yes, you will, uh, get to meet him.
Terrific!
Because we're moving in together.
Okay. Yeah.
And there's one more thing.
No. No!
Not an actor.
You do not get involved with an actor.
He's not an actor.
Thank God!
I would rather see you get involved with a Republican.
He's older than me.
So? That's good.
Little older means that he's, uh, you know, more mature.
He's not a little older.
Well, what are we talking about? Uh... Ten years?
Eleven years?
Twenty?
[sighs] He's closer to your age.
Really?
Closer but lower?
It depends on what age you're going with these days.
Jesus Christ, Mindy! What, are you shacking up with Rupert Murdoch?
You know what? I think, when you meet him, you're really gonna like him.
You two have a lot of fun stuff in common.
Sure! We both dodged polio!
He did, didn't he?
He seems fine.
Good. Good.
You and I are all right, right?
Yeah! Why?
Well, you know, traditionally, girls who like older men,
they got, like, you know, daddy issues and...
Eww! I don't have daddy issues.
Because, if you do, you can't solve 'em with this guy.
He's not your daddy.
Okay, you know what? You really need to shut up.
Gladly.
[sighs] So I'm thinking the three of us should have dinner.
Yeah, right. Absolutely. Set it up.
Great.
Maybe we can go to Denny's
and he and I can get the... the senior discount.
Okay, goodbye.
I love you.
It's okay. You don't have to say it back.
Before we wrap things up tonight,
I want to take a moment to talk about the business of acting.
Actually not even the business, but the, uh... the reality of acting.
Now, I know you don't want to hear this from the guy
that's supposed to be giving you the tools to succeed.
But the truth is...
that all the tools in the world
might not be enough.
No matter how talented you are,
no matter how clever and persistent you are,
the odds of having a legitimate,
life-sustaining career as an actor
are overwhelming.
Ninety percent
of the Screen Actors Guild is unemployed.
Now, you need to know this.
You need to know that the likelihood of achieving fame and fortune,
or even just paying the rent,
is very, very small.
And that's the sad truth.
And if I am to continue being your teacher, your mentor,
you need to hear that truth.
And you need to hear it from me.
Thanks, Sandy. That was great.
Do you think it's worth getting a vocal coach?
A vocal coach?
I'm worried I'm too nasal-sounding
and I need to have more of a chest voice like Penelope Cruz.
Did you just hear a word that I said?
Yeah, but I'm not gonna fail.
- [sighs] Really? - Really.
And what about the rest of you?
It's black girl time. I'm goin' all the way.
Look at this face.
How can I fail?
Oh!
Same here.
I have a degree in radiology to fall back on.
Lane?
What about you?
I'm two years into a five-year plan to become a successful Broadway actor.
Broadway? [chuckles]
What the hell are you doin' here in Los Angeles?
Getting ready.
[mouths]
[ringing]
[English accent] Sandy, what ho?
"What ho?"
PG Wodehouse, maybe before your time. How are you, my friend?
I've been better. You want to grab a bite to eat?
I cannot. I have...
[quietly] I have a date.
Why are you whispering?
An excellent question.
Okay. Okay, listen to this.
[clears throat]
Shortly after I got home, Madelyn called me and asked me to dinner.
Phew! She works fast!
Yes, indeed.
She said, and I quote,
"You and I are too old to mess around,
so let's get this party started." [chuckles]
That's great, buddy. Have a great time.
Well, I had a whale of a nap, so I'm good till ten.
[chuckles] Okay. All right, bye!
Okay, bye.
[muzak plays softly]
Could this be any sadder?
- That was out loud. - Thank you.
Hey!
Eh... What a surprise.
Yeah. Wild, huh?
What are you doin' in this neck of the woods?
I... Uh... Just helping my, uh...
uh... friend, uh... stock his... refrigerator.
Huh.
Hi! William.
Recently divorced.
Sandy, vaguely interested.
Uh, remember I told you I was taking an acting class?
Uh, Sandy's the teacher.
Ah! Well, sure.
That sounds like fun.
It is fun, William.
Loads of fun.
Hope you're gonna come back. Everybody misses you.
I will. I will, just been kind of busy.
Sure. I understand.
You know, I joined an improv group when I was in college.
We were called Mixed Nuts.
[chuckles]
Okay. Uh... We... We gotta go.
Um, it... it was great seeing you.
Yeah, you too.
Good luck stocking William's fridge.
[sighs] I am so stupid.
Still out loud.
[loud jazz music plays]
Boy, I haven't been here in a while.
It's great, isn't it?
Little bit noisy.
Eileen and I used to come here when it was Alan Hale's Lobster Pot.
[both laugh]
Oh, thanks.
Thank you.
So...
how have you been these last 50 years?
What?
How have you been these last 50 years?
Oh, well...
Uh... I fell in love, I got married,
had a beautiful baby girl,
lost my wife to cancer,
put my daughter into drug rehab
and, uh, now I'm thinking about killing myself.
[chuckles] Oh!
I'm not sure we can have a conversation in here.
Take out your phone.
- What? - Take... Take out your phone.
[rings]
- Hello? - Hah!
That's better, isn't it?
Great. Very clever.
Can I start you off with something to drink? A glass of wine?
Yes. We would like, please...
Norman! Norman.
Oh, yeah. We would like a bottle of Montrachet.
- Mm! - How about that?
Remembering after 50 years?
We would like a bottle of your best Montrachet, please.
Last time I bought that wine...
Last time I bought that wine was on a date with you.
It took me two years to pay off my credit card.
Oh, you were always such a show-off.
Well, sure. I wanted to trick you into liking me.
Well, it worked.
So, tell me,
what's been going on with you?
No.
Why not?
I just don't want to live in the past.
I want... I want to talk about the future.
There's a future?
There is now.
You've gotta ask yourself why.
Why would he say something that is so blatantly false,
it is an outright lie,
when the truth is so obvious?
And frankly, the truth is a whole lot easier to sell.
It makes no sense
that he would do this.
I don't understand why.
- Because he's a sociopath, Don. Hello? - [phone rings]
- He's trying to convince you to ignore... - [sighs]
Why? For fuck's sake.
[sighs] Hello, Norman.
Good, you're up.
It's 9:30.
So, dig this.
Madelyn lives in Santa Barbara
and she invited me to come up for the weekend.
Did you just say "dig this"?
Did I? Blame it on the Montrachet.
Anyway, Santa Barbara, what do you think?
What difference does it make what I think?
True, but I still wanna discuss it.
Are you eating?
Yeah.
Could you stop? It sounds terrible.
I'm having my dinner.
This late? You're gonna get acid reflux.
That'll taste better than what I'm eating.
You know...
I can't help worrying that all this is moving too fast.
So what?
"So what?" That's your input?
All right.
Uh... How about this?
Stop chewing!
When in doubt...
ride the horse in the direction that it's going.
Mmm! Now, that's good. Where'd you get that?
You remember that show, uh... Kung Fu?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, with that guy...
What's his name?
The son of the other guy.
Uh, hey, wait. It's, uh...
No, it's not Barrymore. It's the other one.
Oh, God. I can see his face.
Me too. I just can't, uh...
Anyway, I heard it on that show. I never forgot it.
Well, it's still a wise thing.
I think so.
It suggests that one should...
go with the flow.
And... And where's the flow goin'?
At the moment, all roads lead to Santa Barbara.
With a beautiful woman who seems to love to have you in her life again.
Yeah, she does, doesn't she?
There's an ass for every saddle.
Hey, can I run something by you?
Make it fast, it's late.
[sighs]
Mindy dropped a bomb on me today
and it's... It's really freaking me out.
No preamble, it's late.
[sighs]
She told me that she's seriously involved with an older man.
Well, a little older is generally a good thing.
More mature.
That's what I said.
So, how old?
Kind of closer to my age.
You're kidding.
I am not.
Hah!
Ha-ha!
Ha, ha, ha!
You're laughing. Is that how you support me?
Oh, come on, it's perfect!
You spent most of your adult life dating women half your age
and now your daughter is...
Ho, ho, ho!
Holy shit!
I'm glad I could amuse you.
[chuckling] Holy shit!
[laughs]
[continues laughing]
Ha-ha!
[sighs]
David Carradine.
[theme tune starts]