REPORTER: Angelenos head into day five
of record heat and a citywide power outage.
(Jee-Yun gasping)
If you think this is great,
wait till I show you the ocean.
(Jee-Yun babbling)
(gasps)
(Jee-Yun crying)
I think she's gonna be fine.
-But how are you doing? -Shaky.
I just feel like the adrenaline's wearing off.
Then you should get her home.
I bet you both could use a good night's sleep.
Hi.
(sighs) I am sure
that you're confused
and hurt and...
and probably really scared.
I don't... (sighs) really know what to say.
You don't need to go to the police,
or come looking for me.
I'm not in any danger, and no one is making me do this.
But Jee is not safe with me.
Not now and maybe...
I know that you're gonna take really good care of her.
And she's better off without me.
I love you.
I love both of you.
And I'm really sorry.
(gasps)
-What is going on? -Maddie, what did you do to him?
Where did you get that?
You should have left it where it was.
Do you think this was my fault?
No, it was my fault.
That's right.
You're never the one getting left behind.
You're the one who leaves.
If something was to happen to you or her,
I can't carry that, Maddie.
That will be the thing that breaks me, so please...
(Jee-Yun crying)
(gasping)
(panting)
(waves crashing)
DR. THOMPSON: Have you had any suicidal thoughts recently?
Yes.
DR. THOMPSON: Frequently, sometimes, or rarely?
Past few months.
Have you had suicidal thoughts in your past?
Sometimes.
DR. THOMPSON: How long ago?
I was in an abusive marriage.
I had thoughts then, but not like this.
What about before that? Growing up,
did you have any feelings of depression?
-Suicidal ideations? -Depression? Yeah.
Off and on. It started when I was a kid.
DR. THOMPSON: At what age?
I don't know, like, nine,
-ten. -You were very young.
My brother died. He was sick.
I'm sorry for your loss.
That must've been hard at such a young age.
Is there a history of depression in your family?
My mom. She, uh...
...talked a lot about wanting to die after losing my brother.
Do you engage in any form of self-harm?
No.
But three days ago, I tried to drown myself in the ocean.
♪ The winter here's cold... ♪
SHONDA: Okay, after Patty's done taking your blood,
we'll take you to get an ECG and a CT scan,
and then you can get some rest.
What happens tomorrow?
Breakfast starts at 7:00. Meds at 8:00.
Group starts at 9:00.
♪ To long too far ♪
♪ From home ♪
♪ I feel just like I'm sinking ♪
♪ And I claw ♪
♪ For solid ground ♪
♪ I'm pulled down by the undertow ♪
♪ I never thought ♪
♪ I could feel so low ♪
♪ And, oh... ♪
SHONDA: Okay, and meds are at 8:00.
♪ Letting go ♪
♪ If all of the strength ♪
♪ And all of the courage ♪
♪ Come and lift me ♪
♪ From this place ♪
SHONDA: You should eat something.
♪ I know I can love you... ♪
DR. THOMPSON: Ms. Buckley,
your TSH levels are borderline.
Do you have family history of thyroid issues?
-Not that I'm aware of. -Hmm.
Although, my mom and I don't talk about stuff like that,
or... anything really. (sighs)
Okay. Let's run some more tests.
♪ It's better this way ♪
♪ I say... ♪
Doctor's ordered another test.
-More blood? Seriously? -You might wish it were blood.
You-you want me to pee in that?
For the next 24 hours.
(scoffs)
♪ Hurts us all the more... ♪
MADDIE: Postpartum thyroiditis? How did I miss that?
At first, your thyroid is overactive.
The symptoms can feel like typical baby blues.
Anxiety, insomnia, irritability.
Looks like the stress of having a newborn, but then
it starts to slow down, or in your case, shut down.
So, I-I'm just... cured?
Well, now that we have
identified the underlying condition, we can get you
started on some hormone therapy.
Maddie, you all right?
Yeah, I'm... relieved.
Since having her,
I didn't know what was wrong with me, so...
I guess now there is an answer. (chuckles)
Yeah.
Okay.
(chuckles)
MADDIE: You're transferring me?
You're responding well to the treatment.
I think it's time to move you to the outpatient program
at the women's center.
This is good news, Maddie.
You get to go home.
Yeah.
Great.
So now what?
-Let's take a walk. -Okay.
MADDIE: So, are you from Boston?
Yeah, born and raised in Roxbury. You?
Pennsylvania. Now, California.
What brought you here? Plenty of good hospitals in California.
I trained at this hospital.
I used to be a nurse.
So, why'd you quit?
Just got to be too much.
I get that.
Some of these patients will make you question your career path.
(chuckles) Present company excluded.
Ah, thank you.
But I still think the good outweighs the bad.
Helping people, being able to watch them heal and get better.
I'm talking about you, by the way.
You really think that I'm getting better?
I am no doctor, but I've been where you are,
and I think you're getting stronger.
You're stronger than you think you are, Maddie.
LANDLORD: We do a lot of short-term.
Visiting nurses needing a place to crash.
-It's not fancy, but... -It's fine.
-I'll take it. -Great.
I just need you to fill out some paperwork.
Uh, what if I just pay in advance? Six months.
Are you part of the program over at the hospital?
Yeah.
WENDY: I know he means well,
but I'm so tired of him trying to help.
I can't just turn that frown upside down, Jim.
Maybe you can bring Jim to our next friends and family session.
Okay.
Well, that's it for today.
Thank you all. I'll see you on Thursday.
So, where are they all rushing off to?
Oh, uh, school pickup, daycare, the usual.
Not you?
My daughter's with her dad.
Can't see her right now.
Me either. (chuckles)
Oh, no, no.
There's better coffee down the street.
Um... Do you want to go grab some?
If you don't have anywhere else to be.
I have nowhere else to go.
(keys clicking)
CHIMNEY (over video): Keep going.
Come to Daddy.
(chuckles) That's it. You're doing it.
-You're doing it, Jee-Yun. -(chuckles)
CHIMNEY: Wait till Mommy sees this. She's gonna be so proud.
No, wait. Don't touch that.
(laughs)
CHIMNEY (over video): Keep going.
Come to Daddy.
That's it. You're doing it.
You're doing it, Jee-Yun.
Wait till Mommy sees this. She's gonna be so proud.
(phone rings)
BUCK: Maddie?
Thank God. Are-are you okay?
Why is Chimney in Utah?
He left town looking for you.
Found out what happened to Jee-Yun...
I told you not to tell him.
No, he-he figured it out on his own. Wait a minute,
h-how do you know where Chimney is?
Did... did you talk to him?
He emailed me a video. I guess Jee's started crawling.
Maddie, please just
tell me where you are.
I can come and get you.
I-I-I can send Chimney, whatever you want.
We just, we need to know that you're safe.
I am safe. I'm just...
-Not ready, not yet. -(church bells tolling)
Uh, I got to go, okay? Love you.
-(Buck stammers) -(phone beeps)
KIRA: So, you're freaking out
over the Old North Church bell?
I can't see him yet. I'm not ready.
What-what-what do you mean, you're not ready?
I'm not ready to go home.
I still have so much that I have to work through.
I'm just not ready to face all that.
Maddie, are...
are you afraid of your ex? Is he...
God, no. No, he would never...
But I do think he probably hates me.
Why would he hate you?
I almost killed our daughter.
I was giving her a bath. I guess I...
nodded off. She slipped under the water and...
Oh, God.
What kind of mom does that?
Um...
The-the week before
I met you, I was finishing up a 28-day
court-mandated rehab program.
I got a DUI.
Um...
My-my-my son
was in the backseat.
I-I swear, I swear I never
meant to put him in any danger.
I...
I was just so
overwhelmed and...
You were self-medicating.
That doesn't make you a bad person.
It's the only way I know how to deal
when things get hard.
Now, my-my ex won't let me see my son.
I have to prove... (chuckles)
that I am not a danger anymore.
I miss him so much.
Maddie,
please stay. Please.
I... (sighs)
I think you're probably the only friend I have right now.
No one else,
no one else knows what this is like.
I just want to get better for her.
I know, I know, and we...
we can help each other. Okay?
-Get better together. -Okay.
Then we both go home.
Yeah.
Okay.
(sighs)
HEN (over phone): Boston?
Yeah, Buck is convinced he heard the bells
of the Old North Church in the background when she called.
The "One, if by land, two, if by sea" church?
As far as leads go, is that a lead?
CHIMNEY (over phone): It's a place to start.
So, how's my apartment? You trash the place yet?
Uh...
It's fine, uh, but you seriously
need to cancel the diaper subscription, okay?
I'm running out of room here.
Well, that explains where they are.
Why do you think Maddie went to that church?
I don't remember her ever going to mass.
No, but I hear there's a pretty great pizza joint
-around the corner. -So, where you staying?
♪ One night to be confused... ♪
Room rate's a lot lower than what you're paying at the hotel.
You sure about this? I mean, it feels like
one hell of an imposition, Eli.
Nah. We don't come down here that much this time of year.
Once opening day rolls around, that's a different story.
We'll be gone by April, I promise.
I just got to find Maddie first.
You do your thing.
Thanks.
♪ To call for hands of above ♪
♪ To lean on, wouldn't be... ♪
So, the detective still said no?
ATHENA (over phone): He said there wasn't much he could do,
but he did take Buck's statement,
and now he will file a missing persons report.
-But that's it. -Well, we have
no proof that she's in Boston, Chimney, or even anywhere
-in the state of Massachusetts. -Commonwealth.
-What? -It's the Commonwealth
of Massachusetts. Apparently,
they really care about that here.
(Jee-Yun crying)
(sighs)
CHIMNEY: I'm coming.
I know, I know.
Aw...
(Jee-Yun crying harder)
I know, I know.
♪ To lean on, wouldn't be good enough... ♪
Yeah, I wish your mom was here, too.
♪ To call for hands of above ♪
♪ To lean on ♪
♪ Wouldn't be good enough ♪
♪ And you... ♪
-Hey, Gail. -Good evening, Mr. Han.
I'd ask what brings you in here today,
but I'm afraid you're about to tell me.
I'm just doing the rounds. Making sure you haven't admitted
a Maddie Buckley or a Maddie Kendall
-as a patient. -Mr. Han...
I guess I'll hit the morgue next.
Been to the women's clinic yet? Next building over.
They specialize in postpartum depression.
Thank you.
Good luck.
♪ Of above ♪
♪ To lean on ♪
♪ Wouldn't be good enough ♪
♪ To lean on ♪
♪ To call for hands ♪
♪ Of above ♪
♪ To lean on ♪
♪ Wouldn't be good enough. ♪
There you go, Jee-Jee.
It's your favorite.
Come on, honey.
Come on.
It's your favorite. It's vanilla bean...
ELI: You know, this seems like the part of the movie
where the detective becomes
a little too obsessed with the case,
and his boss has to send him home.
-First off, you're not my boss. -(chuckles)
And, second, if we're overstaying our welcome
-with you and Molly... -No.
I don't care if you stay in the basement forever. Okay?
Though, I may have to start charging you rent.
(crying)
ELI: But I don't think this is healthy, Howie.
I know it sounds crazy,
but I just got this feeling that,
one day, she's gonna walk out
of that building,
and I want to be here when she does,
even if it's not today.
Come on, baby.
You know that's not how it works, right?
-What? -The universe.
You've been sitting here for months trying to manifest
Maddie walking out of those doors, but...
you know, have you considered maybe there's a...
a cosmic tab you got to pay first?
I'm gonna go with "no" 'cause I have no idea
what the hell you're talking about.
Look, you need to stop being so obsessed with what you want.
Okay, you need to get off the bench
and get back into the world. It needs you.
To do what?
To be of service.
Maybe the universe will return the favor.
Or give up and go home.
-Come on. -All right.
("Wild Rover" by Dropkick Murphys playing)
(indistinct chatter)
♪ And it's no ♪
♪ Nay, never ♪
♪ No, nay, never no more... ♪
Let us bow our heads. As we gather
this morning to honor St. Patrick,
let us give thanks for this glorious day
and the chance to come together
as Faith of Men.
I'm not feeling so good. Ever since rehearsal
this morning, i-it's like I'm... I'm having trouble breathing.
Well, what do you want me to do? Just rally.
We still got the parade.
Thank you, Lord, for this time together,
and for continuing to guide us
and inspire us as we carry out your good work.
-...swelled up just like a melon. -MAN: Shut up!
Nobody wants to hear about your glory days.
Stuff it, O'Malley. Ain't nobody talking to you.
Go to hell, jackass.
Gentlemen, please. This is not
how Faith of Men are supposed to behave.
Start playing.
Maybe the music will calm these idiots down.
(bagpipes playing)
(groans)
Oh, God. Murray!
(grunting)
CHIMNEY: All right, let's make a hole, guys.
I'm confused. Why are they serving beer
-at a prayer breakfast? -Eggs and kegs.
-St. Patrick's Day tradition. -If you say so.
What happened here?
Uh, he went down while we were playing.
Before that, he said he was having trouble breathing.
Randall, let's get him on some oxygen.
BP is extremely elevated, 160/95.
Heart rate is rapid and irregular.
Legs and ankles also appear to be swollen.
Oh. Pitting edema.
Could be possible right-sided heart failure.
Does your friend have a history
-of heart trouble? -No, not that I know of.
-What about diabetes? -JOE: No.
He's not the healthiest guy, but I never
heard him mention anything about diabetes.
Um, he has had a cough for a while.
Cough.
Getting a crackling sound.
Sounds like serious lung damage. Is he a smoker?
Not Murray. He never touched them.
Maybe pulmonary fibrosis,
but what would cause him to go down now?
Are you for real asking me?
Because our volunteer training
didn't go that in depth.
You're like, smart.
You're volunteers? I called the paramedics.
And we arrived first 'cause our tent is across the street.
-Medical Volunteer Corps. -Okay.
Looks like he's coming around.
Welcome back, Murray. Let's figure out
what's going on with your lungs.
-Bagpipe lung. -That can't be a real thing.
Hypersensitivity pneumonitis,
if you're looking for the medical term.
Happens to people who play wind instruments,
and also bagpipes.
W-What are you doing? You're gonna ruin his bagpipes.
Yeah. Pretty sure they're already ruined.
I'm gonna need a biohazard bag. These are full of mold.
You've been inhaling this for God knows how long.
It's wreaked havoc on your lungs.
When was the last time you cleaned those things?
Never.
That'll do it.
You're lucky. If you kept going,
these bagpipes would've killed you.
They're gonna do X-rays and bloodwork
at the hospital, probably put you on
corticosteroids to reverse the damage.
(applause)
(Chimney exhales)
Bagpipe lung.
First time I've seen that.
Buckle up, my friend.
You're about to have a lot of firsts today.
What do you mean you're a volunteer?
Boston Medical Volunteer Corps.
It's mostly handing out Band-Aids and
bottles of water to drunk people.
There have been a few doozies, though.
You ever hear of bagpipe lung?
Well, it sounds like you're really settling in
to life in Boston.
Honestly, I really signed up to keep busy.
Just wish it really kept me paid, too.
My savings account balance is getting pretty low.
Well, you still have a full-time job waiting for you here.
Chim?
People are starting to ask questions.
My answer is still the same, Bobby.
-I'm not coming home without Maddie. -(man whoops, glass shatters)
All right, I got to go.
(line beeps)
(sighs)
MADDIE: When I came here, I didn't
know what to expect.
I felt so many
terrible things about myself,
I thought everyone else would, too.
Then, when I got here,
um, I realized I wasn't crazy or...
alone.
You guys healed me.
You made me feel stronger,
and I finally feel like I'm ready to go home.
So, I just wanted to say thank you to all of you.
I'm very grateful. Es-Especially you, Kira.
Oh, special shout-out.
(laughs)
Lucky me.
You were there when I needed a friend.
I couldn't have done this without you.
Hmm. Okay, let's all,
let's all give her a round of applause.
(sighs) I'm so glad that you are fixed.
VAL: I don't think that's what Maddie's saying, Kira.
None of us have it figured out. If we did,
-we wouldn't be here. -Whatever.
I am so happy for you.
Okay? But, too bad
for the rest of us who still have problems. (laughs)
VAL: (sighs) That's it, everyone.
Have a great afternoon. I'll see you next time.
(quiet chatter)
(sighs, clears throat)
Hey, Kira, wait a second. What was that?
I'm really not in the mood
-for a lecture. -Okay, that's fine.
I just wanted to check on you
'cause you don't seem like yourself.
Mm. Maybe it's the depression.
Maybe it's the whiskey. (sniffs)
You're drunk.
What do you care? (laughs)
You're leaving.
My only support system's just hightailing it out of here.
I came here to get well and to go home to my family.
That was the plan, for both of us.
(scoffs)
I've messed up too badly. (chuckles, sniffles)
I don't deserve to be a mom.
Okay, you know what? I told myself exactly that same thing
six months ago, and I was wrong.
I got better.
You can, too.
Not by this afternoon.
Ugh.
I have a supervised visitation.
No, no, no. You can't, you can't
-show up like this. -I can't not show up.
Okay, what time is the appointment?
Um... 3:00.
Come on, I have an idea.
What are you doing? No, no, no, no.
I-I-I cannot be admitted. No. If my ex finds out,
I won't be able to see my son. I'm sorry...
Okay, I'm not admitting you.
I'm not admitting you. I'm helping you.
(sighs) Sit right here.
I'm gonna get you a banana bag. It'll sober you up.
I'll be right back.
Maddie?
Why is your face on the bulletin board?
What?
That's you.
Oh, my God, he's still looking for me.
I thought you said he hated you.
You lied.
-I didn't lie. -All this time,
I thought that we were in the same boat.
Being punished by our exes.
Not being able to-to see our kids.
But you could've gone back any time, right?
I'm fighting like hell to see my son,
and you left them.
I had to.
Okay? It was dangerous for her and for me, and I...
I needed to get help and to get better.
Congratulations, Maddie.
You're better.
You don't need me anymore.
MADDIE: Kira!
Excuse me. Sorry.
Sorry.
-(crowd cheering) -(drums playing)
(bagpipes playing)
(firetruck horn honks)
Snake bite. Looks like localized tissue damage.
Let's immobilize his hand and elevate it above his heart.
Don't want it to swell more than it is.
Oh, no.
The venom's making my heart swell.
Oh, I'm gonna die.
No, I meant your hand, and statistically speaking,
people don't die from snake bites.
Stupidity,
-that's another story. -RANDALL: So, that's it?
What about a tourniquet? Or maybe
we can cut it and suck out the poison?
That is exactly what you're not supposed to do.
-Antivenom is his best bet. -Oh, it stings!
And I don't know about you, but I'm not packing any.
That's not a bad idea.
We should ask for that.
Every year, there's always some asshat
dressed as St. Patrick pretending to drive the snakes
out of Ireland.
And I thought Cinco de Mayo in Los Angeles was crazy.
-(bagpipes playing) -(people whooping)
Hey. Kira, it's Maddie.
Um, just, please,
call me, okay? I...
Just want to make sure you're all right.
-Thank you. -MADDIE: Sir, I'm looking for a woman.
She's late 30s. Blonde.
About this tall and probably drunk.
Oh, a drunk woman.
That narrows it down.
You know it's St. Patrick's Day, right?
Lean forward a bit for me. There you go.
-If you could hold that, please. -Nothing's broken.
Looks like he's all yours.
OFFICER: Thanks. Let's go.
So this guy tried to rob a bank with a stick?
Uh, technically it's a shillelagh.
-And a rubber one at that. -What were you thinking?
She stole me pot o' gold.
You know you're not actually a leprechaun, right?
(laughs)
Hey, Kira, call me.
I'm really worried about you.
Hey, I'm gonna go grab a lobster roll from the food truck.
-You want anything? -Sure.
Just make sure there's no mayo on it.
I sense you have no idea what a lobster roll is.
Just grab him one anyway.
Three lobster rolls coming up.
So how is it? Being of service again.
Honestly, it's the best I've felt in probably a year.
(line rings)
(siren whoops)
Get in the car.
(people screaming)
-Hey, watch it. -(shattering)
Come on.
-(body thuds) -MAN: Whoa. Is he all right?
WOMAN: Look at this.
CHIMNEY: Is that an axe?
MAN: You gotta see this.
MAN: Gabe. Gabe!
Oh, my God, Gabe!
You did this?
We were axe throwing, and he stumbled in front of me,
and I-I hit him instead of the target.
No pulse. He's not breathing.
I'd say start compressions, but...
There's an axe in his head?
Randall, that sandwich board, bring it over here!
ELI: Okay. Okay, let's get him into a seated position.
CHIMNEY: I got his head.
-What do I do? -Randall, put the board behind him.
Eli will hold him up while I do compressions.
-What do I do? -Okay, hold his head,
keep his airway clear.
I can do that without
looking at his head, right?
Howie, on your count.
Feels like old times, doesn't it?
Well, nobody's puked on me yet.
(Randall gags)
-Oh, God. -That is not an invitation, Randall.
Pulse check.
Pulse is back. We got him.
Dispatch, this is Paramedic Cobb.
About to transport a young male with an axe in his head
to Mercy Shore Hospital.
Okay, let's secure it and move him.
What can I do?
You can take up chess.
-Oh! -Sorry.
I hate this day.
(phone ringing)
-Ah, Kira? -MAN: No.
This is the bartender down at Father Sean's Pub.
-I think your friend needs some help. -Okay.
Hey. Our axe man's heading into surgery.
Okay, great. Oh, my shift's over.
I should get back, maybe, and turn in this vest.
-Oh, ride in the rig with me. I'll drop you off. -You sure?
What if another call comes in?
I'll let you use the lights and sirens.
(music playing in distance)
(gagging)
Oh, God, she's puking.
No. No, she's aspirating.
Come on, we've got to get her on her side.
Kira?! Call 911.
MAN: All right.
(phone dials, line rings)
-OPERATOR: 911. -Yes, I'm calling from Father Sean's Pub.
Kira, come on. Come on, come on, come on.
MAN: We have a young woman here who needs help.
-We think she might be aspirating. -Wake up.
Good. Good! There's a unit just down the block.
-Good. Wave 'em down. -Okay.
Kira, come on, wake up, wake up, wake up.
-Come on, Kira, wake up! -Over here!
-Come on. -MAN: Hey!
-Yeah, yeah, yeah, come on. -Kira, wake up.
-Over here. -(siren wailing)
MAN: She's here. Come on!
MADDIE: Oh, my God, hurry.
MAN: Over here. Over here. She's right here.
-Come on. She's right here. -Excuse me. Excuse me. What do we got?
She's 38 years old. Alcohol poisoning.
She's aspirated vomit. She's unresponsive.
-ELI: How long has she been out? -MADDIE: I don't know.
I did a sternal rub but she's not coming to.
-Is she on anything? -Prescriptions for antidepressants.
-Any other drugs? Illegal substances? -I don't know.
CHIMNEY: Pardon me. Make a hole! Coming through.
Maddie?
Howie.
We have acute alcohol intoxication,
heart rate severely low.
BP 80/60 and she's cold to the touch.
-Let's start suction and get her on a gurney. -Copy that.
You okay?
Y-Yeah. Is Jee with you?
She's fine.
She's staying with a friend
while I play paramedic again.
All right, suction's ready.
38-year-old female with acute alcohol poisoning,
unresponsive on the scene after aspirating vomit.
Administered fluid and bolused one liter of LR.
Used mechanical suction to clear airway.
Vitals are stable.
(sighs) I think she'll be okay.
It's a good thing you found her in time.
I'm, uh, I'm Eli, by the way.
We were never formally introduced.
-Maddie. I've heard a lot about you. -Same.
You and that little girl are about
all he talks about these days.
Where is he?
Uh, probably outside.
I think he needed a minute.
Me, too.
(sighs) How is he... really?
I mean, I know that I could ask him myself.
But he'd probably sugarcoat it for you?
When he showed up, he was a mess.
He was worried about you.
He was worried about Jee-Yun, and he was racked with guilt.
Guilt? I'm the one that left.
Yeah, but he's the one that feels responsible.
Eli said you would be here.
He was right.
He usually is.
It's one of his more annoying traits.
But actually, this time he was wrong.
You see, all those days that I spent sitting
right here on this bench convinced
you would walk out those doors,
he said I was crazy.
And here you are.
I know that you must have a lot of questions.
I know why you left, Maddie.
Still not sure why you stayed away.
Because I didn't think I'd ever get better.
And it didn't feel safe to be around any of you.
What happened with Jee-Yun and the bathtub,
that was an accident.
But trying to kill myself wasn't.
You what?
When I dropped her off at the firehouse I thought
that's it, she's safe.
So I drove up the coast, I found a beach,
and I walked into the ocean.
My head was so full of all the mistakes
I had made in my life, and I just thought
everybody would be better off without me.
Sad at first, yeah.
But that would fade.
And Jee, she's so young, she wouldn't even
remember me as her mommy.
How could you even think that?
Maddie, if you died, I would never...
Never forgive yourself.
I got out of the ocean for you.
For both of you.
But I had to stay here to learn to stop running.
Maddie...
I would have done anything to help you.
I beat myself up every day that I didn't do more.
I'm so sorry for everything that I put you through.
I'm sorry that I wasn't there for you.
-You were there. -Not enough.
I blame myself for you leaving,
for missing the warning signs.
Or maybe ignoring them.
I just wanted so badly for you to be okay, I just...
I pretended that you were okay.
I think I did, too, for a while.
(both sniffling)
(Chimney exhales sharply)
I guess we both spent too much time
hiding from the truth, and I don't want to do that anymore.
Me either.
No more pretending.
From now on, let's just be honest about how we feel,
and what we want.
Okay.
What do you want?
She should be awake from her nap soon.
-(coos) -There she is.
Look who's here, Jee-Yun. It's Mommy.
She's so big.
I swear to God, I've been feeding her normal portions.
You probably want to hold her.
Uh, she never liked strangers.
Maddie, you're not a stranger.
I think I am.
Maddie...
She's grown up so much. I missed it.
I missed all of it.
-(sobbing) -(Jee-Yun crying)
So you figure out what's next?
I mean, back to L.A.,
or should I be getting you a job application?
I don't know.
It didn't feel right asking her about the future
when she was so clearly mourning the past.
Not the glorious reunion you'd been dreaming of, huh?
I never really thought that far.
I mean, I imagined finding her a million times, you know?
I'd see her, she'd see me.
Movie always ended right there.
They live happily ever after.
(scoffs) Yeah.
Kind of wishing the end credit sequence
was less of a bummer.
You know, I was really mad at her
for not being there.
But tonight was the first time I realize what leaving
actually cost her.
You know,
after we had our girls,
Molly wanted to stay home with them,
so I went back to work.
And every time I left, I always said the same thing:
"I love you. I'll call you later.
Don't let 'em do anything cool while I'm gone."
(laughs)
Maybe if I'd just found her earlier.
You did everything you could, Howie.
All right, no matter what else you're feeling,
know that.
I just wanted to fix her, you know?
Just make it all okay.
Even though you know fixing her isn't your responsibility?
Yeah.
Why do I always do that?
It's how you're wired.
Helping people is how you help yourself.
And because you love her.
(chuckles)
(sighs)
I knew I had missed a lot, and it's been six months,
but seeing her...
Made it real?
Too real.
I just wasn't prepared for how much it was gonna hurt.
I mean, looking at her, I saw every milestone I've missed.
But that doesn't mean that you can't be there for...
all the other ones.
What about you?
Did you talk to your social worker?
(sighs)
Yeah. (clears throat)
Um, I have to go back to detox,
then...
another 60 days outpatient.
And are you gonna do it?
If I want to see my son.
Yeah. I have to.
Thank you for saving my life.
I don't remember everything I said,
but, um, I know how I can get.
-I'm sorry. -It's okay.
You were hurting.
We're not always our best selves when that happens.
I'm really glad you're okay.
Well, not yet.
But I'm gonna keep trying.
I have to. (laughs)
Not just for me, but for Robbie.
Was I gone too long?
I can't get back the time I lost.
No.
But you can move forward.
And the only way to do that is to forgive yourself.
And, Maddie,
don't be afraid...
to fight for what you want.
(knocking, door opens)
-Hey. -Hey.
Aww, how's my girl today?
(Jee-Yun fussing, crying)
(Chimney sighs)
I promise it's not you.
We walked by a park on the way here,
and she got very angry when I said it wasn't playtime.
Oh, that's okay, we can go to a park. That's fine.
Uh, I think we should wait at least an hour.
I don't want to make it look like
I caved in to a tantrum, you know.
Right. Oh, right, she's old enough to have those now.
Oh... come on, Jee-Yun.
Don't you want to say hi?
(fussing, crying continues)
Come on, Jee-Yun.
Don't you want to say hi to Mommy? Hmm?
(Jee-Yun crying harder)
I'm not gonna lie, this might be worse than
going through colic all over again.
Can I try something?
Be my guest, but don't be offended if it doesn't work.
♪ The wheels on the bus go round and round ♪
(crying stops)
♪ Round and round ♪
-♪ Round and round ♪ -(Jee-Yun laughs)
You like that?
♪ The wheels on the bus ♪
♪ Go round and round. ♪
-Mama. -(gasps)
Did she just...
She recognized your voice.
How does she remember me?
Of course she remembers you.
Six months, six years.
Neither of us could ever forget you.
(sighs) Okay.
So, what do you want to do now?
I want to go home.
-Okay. -Okay.
Hi. Hi.
-Go home with us, Baby Jee? -Want to do it again?
♪ The wheels on the bus ♪
BOTH: ♪ Go round and round ♪
MADDIE: Whoo!
♪ Round and round ♪
♪ Round and round. ♪
Each year, for every one person that dies by suicide,
316 others consider taking their own life
but do not go through with it.
If you or someone you care about
is contemplating suicide, help is available.
Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at:
1-800-273-8255.
Or visit suicidepreventionlifeline.org.
The Lifeline is available 24/7 across the United States.
It is free and confidential.
There is hope. There is help.
And you are not alone.
Captioning sponsored by 20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION
Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org