♪
[muffled grunting]
SUE: No. Put me d-- Put me down!
[grunts]
DIRK [sinister voice]: Please remain calm.
You do not know me, but I am not here to hurt you.
Really, Dirk? I could smell your eau de toilette
all the way here. And the mask?
-Come on! -[stammers]
Look, I know we've been going through a rough patch lately,
and that's why I brought you here.
What, you really think kidnapping me
is going to win me back?
Strawberry, this is for your own good.
I'm d-- I'm doing this for us.
Dirk, I've been a hostage the entire time we were together.
Don't you understand?
I know that's not true.
I me-- we have so much love for each other.
Remember that night we went camping at Frog Hollow?
It started raining, so we went to the car
and you climbed on top of me, and then I climbed
-right back on top of you. -[gags] Stop.
I'm not gonna get upset because I know this is not you.
It definitely is.
No, it definitely is not, but...
I actually have some exciting news for us.
Your husband is currently working with the Bureau.
[chuckles] Sorry. You probably don't know what the Bureau is.
-The FBI. -What?
Yeah. Well, I'm pretty sure I'm the only person
to escape that cult and
-live to talk about it, so... -It's not a cult.
And the Bureau just recognized the skills straightaway.
I just want you to know that my services are at your disposal.
Uh, I'm a team player. No task too small.
Seriously. Just excited to be a part of the conversation.
Uh-- uh, s-- hang on, sorry.
Are you talking to me?
It's sort of a consulting role, but I really think
it could lead to something more permanent.
You're telling me the FBI
have authorized you to kidnap me?
[stammers] Well, no.
But when I come back with you as an asset,
well, you can imagine.
Let's just say my back is ready for some awfully big pats.
I'm not your asset, you sad, sad man.
That hurts, but you're not yourself.
-I'm completely myself. -And that's why I brought
someone who's an expert in these kinds
of brainwashing situations, a deprogrammer who's here to...
[Greg shushes]
I prefer the term "exit counselor."
Who are you?
Me? I'm many things.
I'm a security agent, I'm a piano tuner,
I'm a life drawing model.
It depends on the day and the call to action.
But right here, right now, um, I am a deprogrammer.
Exit counselor.
Exit counselor. Yes.
It's nice to see that you're listening, Susan.
-It's Sue. -I prefer Susan.
My full name is Sue. It's on my birth certificate.
But I... prefer Susan.
Bravo. [laughs]
Cullen, look at you, escalating a nothing situation
into a full-scale siege?
You only did the exact opposite of what Fuller asked you to do,
which was observe and report!
Now we've got Risoli in a coma,
and the FBI has a potential Waco part two on its hands!
Job well done, Special Agent Fuckhead.
MAN: Sorry, mic pack's dead.
What? Are you kidding me, Bo?
That is the third fucking time
that I'm crushing a monologue, and you're not getting sound?
Okay, fine. Circle that take, I'll ADR it in post.
That's "additional dialogue recording."
Dude, you are doing great.
A-Are they gonna film everything we do?
No, they're gonna film everything I do.
Wait, well, I guess, actually, which means
they're gonna probably film everything you're doing as well,
because my whole job here is to clean up your mess,
so do you want to work on, like, our dynamic?
-Like, what's your guy's story? -Yeah, I got a pitch.
What if I'm the guy in the documentary
who doesn't give a fuck about you or the documentary,
and I say we go in and take down the fucking Collective
'cause the cult leader fucking drugged me
and, uh, maybe it's time we got some fucking revenge
and we take these fuckers down. How about that?
[laughs]: Whoa, okay.
Save that gold for when we're rolling.
Y-You're giving a Christian Bale-level performance
right now, and I want you to know, I'm seeing it,
you could be an antihero. Yergin?
Make a note of that. Maybe "Cullen as antihero,"
question mark?
We can talk about that later on in notes call.
-MAN: All good to go. -Okay, we're back?
We're in it? Okay?
Red leather, yellow leather,
red leather, yellow leather.
-[high-pitched]: Fa. Fa. -Are you okay?
-Do you want to do any warm-ups? -No.
So when we come back in, when I say "Action,"
I want you to give me that exact speech you just gave me
about drugs and blah, blah, blah, blah. Okay, ready?
And go.
Uh, uh, I-I was drugged, um, and, uh...
You know what? I'm just gonna go.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Why don't you get out of here?
Why don't you go before we make our day?
We have a shot list. Part of it is this scene
-we're doing right now. -I didn't know this was a scene.
I'm j-- I'm just trying to do police work.
So I'm gonna go do some police work, okay?
Okay, fi-- Yergin, send somebody to film him do police work,
and I'll do V.O. over it saying all the stuff about revenge.
-Can we do that? -YERGIN: Yeah.
-Okay, I'm going. -Okay.
Yergin, C and D on him.
-Okay. -Thank you.
So, first up, I would like to apologize for the drama.
-The abduction? -Well, you say tomato, I say...
I say abduction.
Look, I know you've heard a lot about exit counselors.
You've read the books, you've listened to the podcasts.
-No, I haven't. -Oh, well, you should.
There's pretty interesting stuff.
Coercion, uh, brute force, nonconsensual tickling.
You know. Yeah, all that stuff has happened
and may happen again.
But I'm not here to apologize for an entire industry.
Okay? I don't need to make friends.
I'm not trying to get in with the popular girls at school.
[chuckles] You understand? We're on the same page?
Uh, how long will this take?
Yeah, you're right. We should, uh, we should start, right?
[tongue clicks] Wrong. We already did.
And it's going great.
I can really see why Dirk picked you.
You guys are really perfect for each other.
Thank you, I appreciate that.
And, uh, you are gonna appreciate this:
I'm gonna untie you, thus establishing trust.
Hopefully it's just the first step on us becoming friends
at the end, which is my preferred outcome.
So, uh, Dirk, release the hounds.
Uh, can I speak to you for a second?
[Greg grunts]
Are you sure about untying her?
Don't you ever question my authority
-in front of the subject again. -Sorry.
I'm establishing an "agreement and reward" relationship
based on mutual respect and trust, okay?
Okay.
-Okay. -I-I mean, I have questions,
but I'm certainly not gonna ask them.
Well, hang on to 'em.
-Okay, fine, I w-- I, look... -Jot 'em down.
Uh, fine, I'll untie her per your, per your steps.
This is insane, Dirk.
Wha-What was I supposed to do, huh?
Leave you in there? I-I can't lose you to a cult.
One, it's not a cult.
Two, how much is this guy costing you?
You can't put a price on freedom of the mind.
Exactly. Money is no object.
You've always known that about me.
How much? Come on, tell me.
All right, fine, full disclosure.
My services are $19.99 an hour.
You're paying him by the hour?
Every second ticking by, costing you money.
This doesn't bother me. And it's actually $25 an hour.
You didn't put the code "Greg" in at checkout?
[stammers] No. There was a-a code?
Yeah, yeah. If you put that in, uh,
-you get 20% off. -U-Uh, can I put it in now?
Uh, you have to put it in at checkout.
Oh, come on. Well, that's not a great system.
-Uh-- You didn't even... -It works for everybody else.
Next time you use my services, put the code word "Greg" in.
Well, what if this is the only time?
I can't keep having this argument
with every single client.
DIRK: Oh, so there are others
who have experienced this problem?
I don't build websites.
Oh, so it's not necessarily the code enterer,
it's the processee.
It's the people who make the website.
They also charge me.
Okay, give it to me. What's wrong with you today?
Is your herpes flaring up?
I don't have herpes. I'm upset,
-because of Jarrod. -Who?
Jarrod. My Jarrod.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
Are you kidding me? I've talked about Jarrod
about a million times.
He was my high school sweetheart?
Ugh. I would've hated you in high school.
All right. Just give me the "25 words or less" version.
He took my virginity on prom night and wouldn't return
my calls the next day or the day after that,
and then he moved away and we never spoke again.
I was crushed.
That was 33 words.
Jarrod found me on Facebook today,
after I "checked in" to this area.
-He just messaged me. -All right, what did he write?
"Oh, my God, I'm literally 300 yards from you."
He's working on the siege?
No, he's in the cult.
He wants to meet up tonight.
That's brilliant. This is your chance to tell this guy
exactly how big of a piece of shit he is
for treating you so badly.
Really? You think I should go?
You tell that son of a bitch he's why
you're so emotionally stunted and why you lack confidence
and why you're always practically suffocating
in your own anxiety
and why you're always undermining yourself.
I guarantee you'll feel so much lighter
after dumping that weight.
Okay. You know what? I will.
Thanks, Janice.
Jarrod deserves to hear this.
Who's Jarrod?
Jarrod from my story.
Jarrod from high school.
Oh, yeah, okay. Yeah, that Jarrod. Right.
-Jarrod, who took my virginity. -Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I know.
I-I remember. Got it.
So do you know who I'm talking about when I say "Jarrod"?
Let's just say I do and let's move on.
A clerk at a butcher shop stands five foot, ten inches tall.
He has size 13 shoes.
What does he weigh?
Meat.
Check the back of the book.
Yeah, yeah. Boy, you got that one.
Well done, brainiac.
Okay, how about one that I already know the answer to?
How much dirt is there in a hole
that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?
I don't know, some. The usual.
There's no dirt in the hole, Susan, 'cause it's a hole.
Take back control of your mind.
Greg, let's do a deal.
You let me go now, and I will report you and Dirk
to the authorities for abduction
and unlawful detainment.
-Uh, no deal. -No. Yeah, that is a hard pass.
And, uh, pro tip from a fellow negotiator:
don't start with your worst offer.
No, that was the best offer.
That's the best outcome for you both.
Okay, well, listen, if you're trying to scare me,
it's working.
I-I got to be honest, I don't really know Dirk here.
Um, I'm not getting a great vibe from him.
What?
I have no idea of the legality of this whole thing.
I may be a lot of things, but I'm no lawyer. [chuckles]
All I know is, we both love you. Right, Dirk?
Well, I certainly love her.
And I do, too, so that makes us both.
Okay, could you maybe address this extreme
personality change she's gone through?
Her? I-- She seems the same to me.
You just met her.
Whose side are you on?
-What? Look, I am on myside. -Jesus, Dirk, stop.
And-and that's the side that you should be on, too.
-I'm paying you. -I'm a little pissed off
to be having to hold your hand through this entire thing.
You don't want the cure to be worse than the disease.
You want 'em to be kind of on par, equal, that...
-You understand? -No, I don't understand.
Great, then stay out of my lane.
-[Sue grunts] -[glass shatters]
Let me go right fucking now!
There, you see what happens when you
question the process, Dirk?
Also, room damages are extra. That's in the contract.
I don't cover that.
♪
Wow, Fatima, look at you.
Did you get cryogenically frozen the day after graduation
and then defrosted last week? [laughs]
'Cause you look the same.
No, actually, you look even more beautiful.
You got fat.
Huh? Oh, well, I mean, I guess I just fell on
some bad dietary habits, you know, after high school,
but I'm just so happy to see you.
I mean, I can't believe how long it's been.
Did you get shorter, though? You look like
you've been sleeping on an air mattress for 20 years.
It looks like you've melted a little bit.
Did I do something to upset you?
Oh, wow.
You didn't mention you became a crack detective.
Huh?
You don't remember how we left things?
How you took my virginity
and then threw it on the ground and pissed on it.
Wait, what?
I loved you and offered myself to you.
But then after, not a word.
You treated me like I was nothing.
You know, I'm realizing right now, in this minute,
that I've actually been waiting to tell you
what a piece of shit you are.
And you did not deserve my virginity,
you fucking piece of shit dirtbag!
Asshole! Fuckface!
Whoo!
Wow, that felt really good.
I needed that. Thank you so much for messaging me.
That's how you remember it?
What are you talking about?
It was you who broke my heart.
Oh, come on.
Your memory's as ravaged by time as your face.
How could you have forgotten that you and all your
popular girlfriends made a "losing your virginity" pact
on prom night? You remember that?
And that I wasn't really up for it because my...
my mom died a week before. You don't remember that?
What? Oh...
-Yeah. -Right.
There was that, uh, portrait of your mom
on the bedside table, yeah, that you kept looking at.
[sobbing quietly]
Well, it was great to catch up.
Good to see you, and, hey, how's your dad?
Never mind, you're kind of going through stuff, so...
it was really good to see you. Bye.
♪
Strawberry, we're only trying to help you.
We just want you to be free of that cult.
Right, so I can join your cult again, Dirk?
Let me offer you a deal, okay, Susan?
Call me Susan one more time.
Okay, okay, Sue, how about this?
You give me 48 minutes, and if you still want to
go back to the cult, then we'll let you, right, Dirk?
Uh-huh.
-You promise? -Cross my heart
and hope to die, stick a needle in my eye.
Or, hell, both eyes. [chuckles]
I ain't using 'em anyways. What do you say?
All right, 48 minutes. Not a second more.
Perfect. I will set a timer.
Okay, this has got addresses. Come on.
This doesn't have a stopwatch?
-The guy at the store said... -I got it.
-Go. -All right, so,
what's so great about the Collective anyway?
I haven't felt this good about myself for a long, long time.
Over the years I've been losing my sense of autonomy.
I came to rely on Dirk for affirmation,
and my self-esteem was all but gone.
Okay, that's not true. You had some left.
-Not-not a lot, but some. -Shh, Dirk. Dirk!
Go on, please.
I didn't have real intimacy or any sense of belonging.
Dirk's own incuriosity had made me incurious.
That sounds like my first ex-wife.
But within 24 hours of meeting Terry,
oh, I felt self-actualized, heard, understood
and supported in a way I thought was no longer possible.
Terry sounds like a very special lady.
Is she single? [laughs] I'm kidding.
-Is she? -Greg, could I have
a private word with you?
This fucking guy. Don't know how you
put up with him for as long as you did.
Is this about the contract again?
No, this is-- Just come with me
for one second.
All right, whatever. Let's go.
Oh, my God, oh, my God, this is not going well.
I'm losing her.
-Yes. Well, you're losing... -I'm losing her,
and you're not helping. What are you doing?
-I'm... No, you'renot helping. -You're making it worse.
You'remaking it worse!
All I need is a half an hour alone with her,
and I can close this thing out.
Get-- Why don't you scram, huh?
Go grab some pizzas.
Just grab pizzas?
Yes, just get out of here,
go get some pizzas and bring 'em back.
Okay. Well, if you're sure this is the right...
I'm sure, 100%.
Dude, she is on the hook.
Alls I need is a little bit of time,
and I can reel her in, all right?
You get back here, we'll have ourselves
a nice, well-earned pizza party.
Okay. Okay, I could really go for some pizza, to be honest.
And for my wife not being in a cult anymore.
And... loving me again.
I can make it happen.
I'm trusting you with my wife, Greg.
[chuckles] I'm trusting you with the pizza order.
So, that's how it works, right?
Mutual trust.
Guys, let's get some contemplative B-roll
of just Cullen and I looking at the board, right?
We're, like, trying to decode the clues and all that.
Stay in it with me. Stay in it with me, Cullen.
[groans]
I got a bad feeling about this.
What even is this corkboard?
I mean, I've never seen one as large and elaborate as this one.
Well, now you have.
What do you think, we're catching the Zodiac Killer?
Nobody's even been murdered. What is this checklist?
"One: Follow the money. Two: Find the clue.
Three: Solve crime."
These are completely unrelated to the siege.
I mean, wh-why is there a ye olde photo
-of an abandoned mine? -You know what?
Cut, and take five. You guys go do crafty
and go 10-1, whatever, 10-2.
[laughs]: Mike, you can do 10-3 if you want.
You've got five minutes and a...
and a pretty strong Wi-Fi here, so...
[laughing]: go nuts, buddy.
Dude, what the fuck are you doing?
You're fucking this whole thing up.
Don't question the set dec.
-Set dec? -Yeah, the set decoration.
This is here for a reason, okay?
Look, just for shits and gigs,
let me show you what we're dealing with here.
Thisis what we're really here for.
-What is this? -The future of the FBI
right here on this corkboard.
Let me guess. You want to storm the compound
and end the siege, am I right?
Right.
Wrong answer, Cullen.
We need to slow-play this.
The endgame is to create a narrative,
so that the documentary can unfold episode by episode,
allowing for cliffhangers at the end of each episode,
so that people have to watch the next episode.
You're not serious about any of this, right?
This is coming from higher-ups. Okay?
The Bureau is tired of watching our cases
get turned into IP for other studios,
networks and production companies.
We're not just law enforcement officers,
we are content creators, and what you need to ask yourself
right now is: are you going to be a part of this?
Because if you are not, we need to recast ASAP.
Yeah, I'm a part of it.
Yes! You're not gonna regret this.
Also, lose ten pounds by Monday.
♪
GREG: Dearest Dirk, the good news is,
you don't have to share the pizza. Ha-ha.
The bad news is, the deprogramming
was unfortunately unsuccessful on this occasion.
Thank you for the opportunity to work with you today.
Although we didn't get the result we hoped for,
I think we can agree that there were some good signs
and we all learned a lot.
As you know from the terms of service
that you agreed to, I don't provide refunds.
But I will offer you five percent off
on any of my other services,
-save for marriage celebrant. -Strawberry?
Be sure to take a brief survey.
-[trembling]: Strawberry? -And, if you'd be so kind,
I sure would appreciate a positive review.
Oh, no, no!
♪
♪ I don't do roses anymore♪
♪ I don't believe your providence♪
♪ Will be my valentine♪
♪ I don't do roses anymore♪
♪ I keep the moths out of the cabin light♪
♪ The full moon skipping through the trees♪
♪ But Mother Earth won't set her free♪
♪ No, it ain't free.♪
MAN: Guh-doosh.
[whip cracking]
[drums beating, tribal grunt]