-♪ -[siren wails in distance]
MAN: A lot of us out there.
I guess we raid tonight.
You feeling better?
Whatever you took,
I think you vom-bombed most of it up by now.
-Mm. -You know, it's lucky
you called me when you did.
One hell of a reunion, am I right?
Have we met?
You're kidding.
Cooper.
Jamie Cooper.
[scoffs]
Shazam, baby.
You just got "Coopered." [laughs]
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Coop-coo...
Remind me?
Man, we were partners, fresh out of the academy.
For, like, a week, and then you suddenly got transferred
out of nowhere. Remember?
You said it was out of your hands.
That it was Gelman's call.
And I was all like, "Fuck this, I'm gonna call Gelman."
And you were like, "This is only temporary.
I can fix this."
And then you promised that we would always be partners.
That was 13 years ago.
Yeah, Cooper...
Cooper. Right.
I rememb-- Yeah.
Hey, man.
How you been?
-Good, man. Just good, you know? -Yeah.
You know, God is good. Blessed.
-Blessed, mainly. -Yeah.
Look at you now, huh?
FBI, the big show.
World by the balls, moon by the dick.
Remember? We used to say it all the time.
Right, I-I'd forgotten that, uh, saying...
That's right, man.
You loved grabbing that moon by the dick, man.
-Oh, right. Uh, I'd forgotten. -Yeah.
We should probably get you some clothes, huh?
That'd be great.
Yeah, can't have your balls all over my seat.
-[chuckles] -No.
-[radio beeps] -Hey, Dispatch, this is Car 14.
Can I get some clothes in here, please?
What do you want, like a, like a men's medium or large,
-or something like that? -Yeah, that'd be great.
Can we get, like, a men's medium to large.
COOPER: Man, you want bikini briefs, or, uh, boxers?
CULLEN: Whatever they got.
COOPER: Let's go with bikini briefs.
Hello? Anybody there?
Yes, Car 14, we're here.
We were away, but now we're back.
That's the news. You want the weather?
COOPER: The weather?
Yeah, slightly cloudy with a 90% chance of deal with it yourself.
We're on our union coffee break.
-The long kind. -[radio beeps]
I'm so happy to be back in dispatch.
Honestly, I don't think corrections was my thing.
Oh, please, With your big ol' raccoon eyes and soft skin,
they loved you in the Big House.
That's why I'm on trauma leave, Janice.
No, we'reon trauma leave.
Whale Boy threw that stuff at me, not you.
Some of that piss splashed back on me, too,
but you don't see me whining.
No, because we got six months paid.
All I'm saying is, I won't miss it.
Well, I sure as hell don't miss the Chomos and the Dump Trucks,
but I'll miss some of those Kitty Kitties.
I think mostly I'll miss the slang.
Hey, you guys got some toilet paper?
Apparently, there's a raid on tonight,
and I gotta go coil some rope.
No, Duncan.
We ain't a Walmart. Scram.
I-I was told there were some supplies in here.
Beat it, before you catch a hoe check.
FATIMA: Janice, come on.
What? We hold the TP, we hold the respect.
Easy.
There's a doz more eight-packs in the closet,
and the key to that is in my prison pocket.
Prison pocket?
Yeah, you know, my prison safe.
My Mexican hideout?
My boom-boom room.
My warm juice box.
Did you learn anything in there? God.
Your vagina?
Yeah.
♪
There he is.
How are you feeling after last night's excitement?
Feels like someone blow-darted me in the neck.
-Yes. -Wha...
Are you...
Terry?
We met briefly last night,
but I don't expect you to remember.
Ah, the great Terry spelled with a "Y."
Finally. Am I being punished for shooting that agent?
You're not in trouble.
No one is in trouble.
Is she alive?
I-Is everything...
okay?
Everything is fine.
-Yes, Jeff? -I'm sorry to interrupt.
The bear traps are definitely going
at the southern entrance, right?
Jeff, we have talked about this.
We have mines at the southern entrance.
The bear traps go at the western gates,
near the electrified fence.
-Thank you, Jeff. -Not so easy after all, huh?
You're that jerk I let into the compound.
And you're the asshole
who thought he could do my job better than me.
Yeah, I don't know anything about that.
I was just doing my job.
You sucked at your job.
Thank you, Jeff.
That'll be all.
So...
-Mm. -[camera beeps]
Dirk... Cumberson.
Tell me why you thought you were in trouble.
I don't want to.
Okay, let's expand on that. Why not?
Because you're now recording me, for some reason.
And why wouldn't you want this conversation recorded?
Look, I didn't do anything, okay?
What did you tell me right before we started recording?
Okay, look.
I would like for me and Sue to get a refund
and just go home.
I understand.
Okay, let me get the form for you both to sign.
I can sign for it.
You both signed it over so... [laughs softly]
that's how we get it back.
Yes, but, uh...
It's okay. It's okay.
I'll just check with Sue
if she feels the same way about refunding your donation.
Uh, donation?
That's our lifesavings.
[laughs]
Lifesavings?
As a society, we really have to pay our teachers more.
[door closes]
[sighs]
Ar-Are those clothes getting to me?
I-I really feel like I should be getting ready to raid.
Shh. Shh-shh, shh-shh, shh-shh-shh.
You need your rest.
[sighs] Oh, God, man.
It's all so hazy. I just...
We went into the cult
to-to try and find a drug lab or something.
But then Risoli went for a massage,
and the last thing I remember I was...
I was with Terry in the yurt,
and she served me some kind of weird tea.
And I remember thinking, "This is a nice yurt,
but is it, like, cult leader nice"?
You don't remember calling me?
I called you? Why?
At first, I thought your phone had been stolen
by a very sad teenage girl.
I was crying, or what?
Man, you were hysterical.
And then when I found you, you were butt-ass naked,
crawling in the dirt with your hands.
Like a malnourished raccoon.
You said you were putting in a pool, and it'd be done soon,
so I should go put on my swim trunks.
Oh, God. I don't remember any of this.
No judgement here, man.
We've all had those nights.
When the Cavs beat Golden State in 2016,
I got black-out drunk.
And when I came to,
I was in a chat room with a German cannibal.
Hey, where is Risoli?
Do you know?
Is that the ATF lady?
She's in the hospital, in a coma.
Phew. Yeah, she got shot.
What the fuck happened?
Nobody knows.
She was wearing a wire, apparently,
but all it picked up was crotch moisture.
Fuck me, no. Goddamn it.
This was supposed to be my...
-Waco? -No, I don't think...
It's not a Waco.
Is it a Waco?
State, local, federal.
I mean, I hear there's a big raid on tonight.
I mean, it's not nota Waco.
-I am fucked. -Hey.
Don't go there.
We've been through too much together.
You see, this is the part
where there's only one set of footprints in the sand,
'cause I'm gonna carry you
like Jesus does in that poem over my grandma's toilet.
[phone buzzes]
Who's Dustin?
He called, like, six times.
Dustin?
Uh, he's kind of like my partner in the-the FBI.
C-Cooper, I need to, I need to call him.
Partners don't let partners talk to more-recent partners
until they're feeling their best.
-That is a law. -Sure.
But I just need to figure out...
Hey, partner.
Mm. Mm.
Mm-Mm-Mm. Come on.
Come on, now.
Hey, hey. We're not, we're-- oh--
we're not, we're not really partners.
-You know? -Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
-Oh. -Feels good though, right?
No. [sighs]
-Mm. Mm-hmm. -Oh, oh.
-Mm-hmm. -Ah. Please stop.
-Mm-hmm. -Stop.
It's okay, but just stop making the noise.
Surprise. Surprise.
Now on to your thighs.
FATIMA: Yes, Unit 51.
Stand by for further word.
Raid on compound is still on track for midnight.
[Janice sighs]
Are you wearing a bulletproof vest?
Where did you get that?
Traded for it, baby.
Got it from an ATF agent.
Why?
Do we need bulletproof vests?
It's siege bingo.
You never played?
You gotta collect a piece of equipment from each agency.
Sheriff's department, ATF, FBI...
-It's fun. -Is it?
Then after, you sell it to dumb-ass collectors online.
I've scored night vision goggles, a KN muzzle,
and in the '90s, I got an ex-military,
mint condish grenade launcher.
Sold it for a shitload.
You trade with toilet paper?
Well, I use the currency of the day.
TP is hot shit right now.
But if we don't need it, then why are you wearing it?
Well, we might need it a little.
You said mobile dispatch was safe.
It's a siege, Fats.
Anything could happen.
But the flip side is, we get paid siege rates,
and I need this cash injection for my Barbados property thing.
With that Bobby guy?
Ugh. You're not actually doing that. Are you?
I'm not doing it.
That "Bobby guy" is doing it for me.
And he's almost closed the deal, just needs a couple more grand.
[sighs]
What? What's that look?
Have you even met this guy?
Think I'm some kind of a patsy?
I'll call him right now.
You can hear his voice. [clears throat]
[busy signal beeping]
Seems like his phone is disconnected.
Huh. It happens.
You know, it's probably hurricanes.
Mm-hmm.
Since when did you become so cynical?
Oh, I don't know, Janice.
Maybe someone I work with rubbed off on me.
No, they didn't.
They just threw piss at you.
Stop catastrophizing.
♪
Whew, two hours till the raid.
I've got some Orange Fanta, if you want to get the dirt off.
Won't that make my hand sticky?
I don't know, dude. I'm not a scientist.
Oh, you know what?
I bet I know why you called me.
My name is probs at the top of your missed calls list.
Check it out.
What? Why were you calling me?
Why was I calling you?
You called me eight times here.
Hey, is that what it says
-right there? -Yeah.
Yeah. Must've been really important.
I guess so.
I was probably calling you
because I had a favor to ask you, you know?
Because of that one time that you said
we would always be partners, and that you loved me.
Cooper, I really don't have the bandwidth for favors right now.
So lately, me and some of the other guys
have been having some skirmishes, some run-ins,
you know, if you will, with the...
a-a drug cartel, right?
But, anyway, we seized a bunch of drugs from them.
Then one night, we thought to ourselves,
"Hey, you know what?
"We could start making some dough off of this,
-some real money." -What?
So we started selling drugs back to the community,
-but also, back to the cartel. -What?!
Yeah, I know,
-it makes sense, right? -No.
-Okay, well, let me finish. -Oh, there's more?
Yeah, there's way more.
You see, the problem is that
now a journalist has found "evidence"
and has threatened to "do an exposé" on me
and paint me-- me--
as the bad guy. [scoffs]
Now, I know what you're gonna say.
This ain't a big deal, Mr. Coops.
Stop caring so much.
This is a huge deal, Cooper.
But now that you're here, I've had a total brain wave.
You know? And, uh...
all I need you to do is call this journalist,
and tell him that I am part of an ongoing,
deep undercover, deep, deep undercover FBI Op,
and that, uh, he should back the fuck off.
Yeah, no, I'm not doing that.
But you just said that you would help.
-No, I didn't say that. -You mean to tell me,
you are not going to help me cover up a tiny drug bust
by lying to a journalist and saying it was all part
of an FBI operation?
Really? Really? Really?
Yeah, really.
Wow.
Just, just wow.
♪
[door opens]
Did she sign?
One second. Yes, Jeff?
Silly question, but, uh, do we still have those flamethrowers?
Oh, yes, I last saw them in the garden shed,
but I don't know if they had fuel in them.
Ah, no problem. I'll fill them up.
So...
Good news and bad news.
Did she sign?
No, that's the bad news, from your perspective.
And the good news?
That she didn't sign.
That's good
-from her perspective. -[scoffs]
You have to look at everything
from different perspectives.
Do you enjoy toying with people's lives like this?
Turning wives against husbands?
Dirk, look.
If you are not happy here,
you, of course, are free to leave at any time.
Good. I will.
Adios, Terry with a "Y."
Just sign this, and you are free to go.
"I voluntarily and independently acted alone
in shooting the aforementioned ATF agent."
[scoffs] Are you kidding?
I'm not signing this.
Okay. I understand.
No problems.
Well, Jeff will come back with supplies soon.
Supplies for what?
For the 40 days in isolation,
as clearly stated in your admission paperwork.
You-You're holding me here?
Now, look.
As we discussed, you're not in trouble.
But we do want to wait a little while
until things cool down a bit out there.
-Terry! Terry. -[door lock clicks]
Hello? Help.
[whimpering]
COOPER: I really can't believe you won't help me, man.
I really cared about you.
I gave you a massage.
The massage was unwanted touching.
Wh-Where the fuck are these clothes you promised me?
I gotta get ready for this raid.
Whatever, man.
Now, look, I...
I didn't want to have to do this, but, um...
[crying]: I was a twin, Cooper.
In the womb, I was a twin.
What is that? Is that me?
Shh, shh-shh-shh. Here comes the part
you talk about with your friends on your way out of the theater.
They say that I ate my twin.
I ate his dick, and I ate his teeth.
I ate my brother's teeth.
I don't want to have to use this but...
seems like you're leaving me no choice.
So, call the journalist or this gets out.
Come on, man.
Don't make me blackmail you.
This is blackmail.
No.
If you don't call him, then I'll have to blackmail you.
But I don't want to have to do that.
No, what you're doing now, is blackmail.
This is the blackmail.
No, no, no, no, no. See, you're not getting it.
Also, white people shouldn't use the term "blackmail."
[sighs] Fuck, I look insane.
There's no judgment here, man.
One thing I learned from my chat room-cannibal friend,
is that cannibals get a really bad rap.
I'm not a cannibal, Cooper.
Eh, this kind of says the opposite.
This is really...
...really, really bad.
-So, you'll call him then? -No.
Cooper, this is not blackmail.
That's what I've been trying to tell you.
It's evidence.
Drugging a federal agent is a serious offense,
and I'm going to use this to take down this cult.
Great, and then you'll do my thing.
No.
Man, it's a real one-way street with you, ain't it?
I bet you're a real selfish lover.
When my lovers try to blackmail me, yes, I am.
-Stop saying "blackmail." -Sorry.
FATIMA: Copy that, ATF.
Looking good to go in under an hour.
Whew, looks like this might be over sooner than we thought.
Hmm, now his phone is saying it's not in service.
How did you and Bobby meet again?
Ah, over Christmas, I went to Barbados.
I spot him in Arrivals.
It was just, kind of, one of those things.
It was like, "Bam, yep. I'll have an order of that, please."
Asked me right away if I, uh, wanted a ride.
So, he was driving an unlicensed cab?
Yes, Fats.
He's not a shit-for-brains
who's gonna shell out for a medallion.
Anyway, we get to the hotel, and he unpacks my bags.
So I go, "Well, you might as well come in for a drink."
So, we stay up all night, and it's just...
well, lust, and I'm old enough to know that.
But it's also more, you know, it was very deep.
It's like, he takes all my sharpest bits
and he-he doesn't sand them down.
It makes me...
It makes me feel like a human, like a real person.
It makes me kinder. I'm sure you can tell.
You're a secret sweetie.
And he's got a dick like a European fire hydrant.
There we go.
And this property deal is literally too good to be true.
Why you lookin' like Anne Frank?
-Hey, Janice. -Got a Glock for me, Duncs?
Oh, I need to go before we storm the compound. Come on.
Nothin' doin', meat.
Okay, I can get you my ballistic helmet
and some flex-cuffs.
-One roll only. -Done.
Siege bingo, baby.
COOPER: Oh, boy.
Man, this raid is getting big.
Oh, God, man, I need to get ready.
I can't miss this.
What am I doing?
What am I doing, man? I am so sorry.
I should have never asked you to call that journalist.
Right. I-I can't do that.
I know, and it was totally wrong of me
to ask you to clean up my mess.
I appreciate that.
I'm gonna clean it up myself, the old-fashioned way
with honest, hard work.
I-I gotta stop dragging others into my mess.
Yes, exact... And a word of advice,
come clean to the chief, not your captain.
It's better in the long run. I promise you.
Okay, thank you.
but the journalist who is investigating me
is married with kids so I...
[sighs] I'm gonna just have to honeypot him.
Keep it simple, you know?
-You what? -Yeah.
I'll just do the old high-class escort,
seduce him, film it, blackmail him with that.
That's your idea of handling it yourself?
Yeah, man.
You know, I should have just done that from the start
instead of spreading my problems around.
I was an idiot to think massaging an FBI agent
was some kind of golden ticket.
You, uh... Okay.
FATIMA [over radio]: All units, standing by for raid.
Looking like we're two away, ladies and gents.
Oh shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
I-I gotta find some clothes.
[phone buzzes]
Text from your newer partner.
Could you, could... Cooper.
"Stop dodging my calls, you pansy.
You totally shit the bed on this."
-[phone buzzes] -Oh, shit.
Hey, uh, Dustin?
Oh, I hope there's toilet paper wherever you are, Cullen,
because I'm about to come down there and wipe your shitty ass
because of the mess you made.
He's joking.
Repeat, all units in position.
Geez. What the hell?
-[horn honks] -God.
Okay, stand down.
This operation is now under my control,
and will, henceforth, be called Operation Fonzie.
Why? You ask.
Because everyone's gonna be cool.
Now, can someone point me in the direction
of baby shit-ass, goo-goo-ga-ga,
Special Agent fucking Cullen.
Oh... shit.
Cullen.
FATIMA [over radio]: All units, be advised,
we have activity approaching your position.
Looks like a single individual in gender-neutral overalls.
AGENT [over radio]: Clear shot of male suspect
running toward Mobile Command Unit.
Do I have the green light?
Hold your fire.
Repeat, hold your fire.
All units be cool!
Didn't you hear what I said?
Be cool!
DIRK [whimpers]: Don't shoot. Don't shoot.
I'm escaping from the Collective.
I-I can explain what happened to your officer, Risoli.
Okay, okay. I'm listening, scumbag.
It was dark, and there was a lot going on.
Okay, don't move!
-On your knees, shithead. -Okay, my...
-On your knees! -My left knee is not great.
Criss-cross applesauce! Criss-cross applesauce!
Look, okay.
Risoli was...
This is hard for me to say. Okay?
Come on. Spit it out, shitbird.
I saw Risoli get shot
-by Terry Mann. -What?!
Yeah, Terry with a "Y" is a woman.
♪ On the day♪
♪ You took a break from me♪
♪ On the day♪
♪ You took a break from me♪
♪ You said that you needed some time♪
♪ Alone
♪ You said you'd come back♪
♪ But it's been so long♪
♪ On the day, you took a...♪
MAN: Guh-doosh.
[whip cracking]
[drums beating, tribal grunt]