[gasping for air]
Reinhardt?!
[echoing]: Rhino?!
I'm gonna take you down, you weirdo cult.
Ah! Hello.
-Good morning. -Morning.
Early bird catching that worm.
How'd it taste?
It's 10:00 a.m.
First day of school, huh? You trying to impress the teacher?
Well, lesson number one--
Teach isn't easily impressed by early risers.
Teach likes her sleep.
Okay, so, uh, maybe you could just debrief me now?
Sure. I'm a Scorpio, first and foremost,
and I really lean into my sign.
-Yeah, yeah. -You know, I am a good-time gal.
Uh-huh.
Uh, but you don't want to cross me.
-Sure. -Just don't fucking do it.
No, I got it. I got it. Uh, I-I was...
I meant more kind of intel on the cult.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down.
Come on, New Kid at School.
Get up to the front of the class, tell us your story.
Oh, okay, um, well, you know my name.
I'm Special Agent Cullen.
Boring. I'll start.
Yeah, I fucked up. That's why I'm here.
Wouldn't be here if I didn't.
Am I a big fan of Jim Parsons?
Yeah, I'm a big Jim fucking Parsons fan.
I'm not ashamed to admit that.
I may have a tattoo.
-Okay. -I may not.
I don't need to see. What if you do?
I'll show you later. Here's the story.
I was assigned to him at Comic-Con.
Uh-huh.
Did I put myself on that assignment
and ruffle some ATF feathers?
-Mm-hmm. -Yeah, maybe I did.
But, uh, fun fact-- we got along.
I think he appreciated how nonchalant I was
-towards him and the whole biz. -Right, right, right.
I think maybe he was a little attracted to it.
At one point, I was like, "Is there a crinkle in your khakis?"
So, I don't think he was super surprised
when I dropped by his house
to check on him a few times in the next week,
just to make sure he was secure.
And look, when I let myself in
to use his bathroom one time, that wasn't cool.
I mean, I really had to go, but no excuses. I did...
Risoli, what I really need to know is what you know
-about the cult, is really... -Sure. Shoot.
what I want to talk about, okay? So, do you have any,
um, schematics of the compound that I can see,
or any surveillance set up that I could look at or...?
Right, right. No, I don't.
I don't bother them, they don't bother me.
That's my motto.
Although, there is one guy
that just got out of the cult a few months ago.
-Okay. -Yeah, he is a goldmine for intel.
I'm gonna need to talk to this guy.
Time for someone to eat. Kitty?
[makes kissing sound] Kitty?!
-[whistling] -You have a pet out here With all the wild animals?
Oh, Kitty can fend for herself.
-Kitty? -Oh, fuck. That reminds me.
I was up half the night trying
to trap this possum inside the room.
I don't know how you slept through that.
Kitty?
No, no, it was a possum.
Her name... is "Kitty."
You trapped her?!
No, no, I-I threw it outside.
You threw her outside? She's an indoor possum!
It's vicious! It-it was hissing at me!
-Oh, was it hissing at you? -Yes.
Could you not handle the hissing?
Well, how would you like it if I came over to your home
and I fucking killed your dog?
-Okay, l-listen, I'm sure... -'Cause it is the same!
I'm sure Kitty's fine, okay? Let's stay on track here.
And I need you to take me to this contact of yours.
No, no, no, we're not doing a damn thing
until we find my fucking Kitty.
[Dirk grunting]
Uh, are you okay, peanut?
This gusset is absolutely cutting my lunch down there.
Oh, I... I think it looks good.
It's hard to breathe in this thing.
I mean, why do we have to wear these anyway?
It's crazy, you know?
I haven't been told anything about when I start my job yet.
Hey, it's okay. It's okay.
I just think maybe
we're a little bit nervous about meeting Terry.
Yeah, but, I mean, what if we fail the interview?
What if he doesn't accept us?
-Peanut, I don't think it's a test. -Oh, come on.
Of course it's a test. He's the head guy.
But of course he'll accept you. You're perfect!
Well, look, I may be perfect, but what about us?
Our obvious age gap?
I mean, what if he asks how we got together?
But peanut, it's like you said-- we fell in love.
-There's nothing wrong with that. -I know.
I know it doesn't matter. I just...
What if hethinks it does?
Y-You know, will he kick us out? We...
We don't have anything to go back to.
I-I can't go back to teaching,
not with... us on my record.
Let's just not mention it, okay?
We fell in love, pure and simple,
no more detail than that.
-[knocking] -Oh, shit. That's him.
That's... O-Okay, shit, shit! Don't bring it up.
-Okay. -Don't bring it up.
Welcome, Sue and Dirk.
I'm pleased to welcome you here to my home.
-[laughing]: Oh, thank you! -Thank you so much.
-Such an honor. -It's a real... honor, yeah.
Let us begin the tour. Got everything you need?
Yup. Just my wife, who I fell in love with many years ago,
and she entered the relationship willingly and legally,
-so no controversy there. [laughs] -[laughs softly]
Let's begin.
-Should I just start, or...? -[door opens]
-Officer Tolbeck. -Hi.
Hi. I'm Erica.
-Ah, good. -Thank you so much for coming in so early.
Listen, we all just loved Officer Reinhardt.
He was a really good guy.
He was, wasn't he?
He was just so incredibly appealing
to our key recruitment demographic
of 16 to 24-year-olds.
I'm sorry, but is this a public relations thing, or...?
Yes. Good job. It is.
We are your new public relations team.
Sorry. Was that not clear?
-No, it wasn't at all. -Oh.
I thought I was under investigation, so...
Ah. Oh, well, you know what? Maybe you are.
That's not really my department.
Damon, could you check on that?
Yes, okay, so you are under investigation,
but my job today is to make sure that you are camera-ready.
Camera-ready? Why?
Because this is a monumental PR disaster for us,
and we need to get ahead of the story.
Does that make sense?
So, as of now, nobody knows
about your or Reinhardt's drug problem.
My drug problem? I'm sorry.
Yes, your toxicology report found huge quantities
of methamphetamine in your system.
No, that's impossible. That can't be right.
Oh, good job. Exactly. Yes, do that.
That-That's what I want from you.
And my job is to ensure that nobody ever finds out about it
so that you get to keep your job.
Does that... make sense, sound good?
Yeah, it sounds good, but I didn't take...
Now, even though you're clearly no Reinhardt,
you test extremely well
with sad, long-term domestic partners, 45-65.
Who knew? [laughs]
-Hmm. -So, let's talk about your first spot,
which everybody is super excited about.
-[laughs] -[laughs] My first spot. Wow.
Uh, God. America is going to fall in love with you,
head-over-heels in love with you.
But before we get there,
we do need a little spit-polish on the old personality.
Oh. Okay.
You don't have a personality.
And you know what? It's okay. It happens.
Totally. I've been saying this for years.
Oh. Okay, so you know this already?
Yeah. I've never been formally diagnosed,
but I've done some online quizzes.
Oh, great. That makes it so much easier.
Okay, so, listen, here's the good news, sir.
You are a blank canvas, which means
that we can make you absolutely anything you want to be.
I want to be... taller.
Okay, so, and that's something we can discuss, but listen,
what I'm gonna do right now is I'm gonna show you a list
of eight personality archetypes,
and you get to choose one. [snaps fingers]
Take your time.
Can I take this home and do some research?
But don't take too much time, because you're due at the studio
for your first TV interview in one hour.
We are so excited. It's gonna be so great.
Unless, of course, you don't prepare,
in which case it will be a full train wreck
from which you will never recover
both personally and professionally.
It will be very bad. Do you understand?
-[toilet flushes] -Well... [exhales]
We are officially out of paper, FYI.
We're down to old take-out chopstick wrappers.
Listen, Risoli, I need to make a dossier
of everything you know about this cult.
Okay? Tell me about your contact.
Oh, did you find Kitty?
'Cause that's a part of the deal.
So, no, I am not telling you anything.
'Cause you're not the boss of me.
All due respect, Risoli, I amthe boss of you.
Uh, no. No, you're not.
Uh, yes, I am. I'm FBI. Ergo, I'm your CO.
Oh, you're my cock oyster?
No, I'm your commanding officer.
[scoffs] I guess
you really think you're better than me, huh?
-I didn't say that. -No, but your face did.
It's all over your fucking face.
I don't have time for this.
I'm gonna go walk the layout of the compound.
And when I get back, weare going to contact
your contact.
Hey, you walk out that door...
...don't you ever come back again.
Come back!
I'm really sorry!
Why does everything I love run away?
You should feel free to go wherever you want
throughout the day. Anywhere at all.
This is your home now.
Just as long as you're back in your chambers by sundown.
You mean like a curfew?
We don't like to think of it as a curfew.
We like to think of it as a reverse alarm clock
that lets you know when your day is over.
What happens if we don't get back to our chambers by sundown?
Uh, that shouldn't be a problem for us.
Uh, nothing is a problem for us, really. [chuckles]
If you repeatedly flaunt the rules here,
there are consequences.
Cornhole?
Cornhole!
Again? [chuckles]
Home-ground advantage, I guess.
I just need to push that one in, and I'm back. [chuckles]
Prepare your hole for-for corning.
Peanut, relax. It's just a game.
I know. This is a test, strawberry.
Don't you get it? Just give me some space.
Ah! I think there's
a weird cross-breeze. [chuckles]
TERRY: Cornhole!
-Dirk, you've lost. -SUE: Uh, I-I think Dirk was
just a little off his game because he's worried
about how you might judge our history.
Uh, not really. I-It's a classic high school sweethearts story.
[chuckles]: Very normal.
Would you like to speak your truth?
Your tone and overall sweatiness makes me think
-there's more to the story. -Okay. It was... It was... Sure.
We weren't in the same year, that's true.
I'm-I'm older. Uh, guess how old I am now.
Go on. Have a guess. Come on. Have a guess. Please.
You won't get it.
Okay.
I'm 48. [chuckles]
Can you believe it? Not bad shape for 48, am I?
Just a good laugh every day. That's the secret.
Dirk was my high school teacher.
Why did you...? Look, that's...
I-I don't think that was the point of his asking.
I mean, is that relevant?
Didn't want to get into all the school stuff.
Sorry. Are we...
Is this...? Uh, so...
[chuckles] Huh.
ERICA: So, all of the great characters
can be boiled down to eight different types:
the Hero, the Lover,
the Outlaw, the Dancer,
the Young Colt, the Mountaineer,
the Widow and the Nutty Professor.
-Oh, wow. -Audiences consistently
relate to and root for one of these types.
So, which one appeals to you?
I guess the Hero.
Oh, I know, right? Wouldn't the Hero be so fun?
But, you know, let's actually keep that one
in the back pocket for now and explore some of the others.
Just for fun.
-Oh, okay. -You know what would be
so perfect for you?
The Widow.
The Widow? That sounds kind of sad.
-I don't know. -Yeah, that does sound kind of sad.
Okay, so, which one do you like?
I like the Dancer.
Oh, I love the Dancer for you.
Oh, but you know what? What if we get on Ellen?
Or whoever they give Ellen's show to.
If we get on Ellen,we got to save that. So let's save that.
I feel like there's one you want me to choose.
No, no, no, no, no. No, no, not at all.
This is totally for you to get excited about.
You know? But I really think
that you'd have a lot of fun with the Widow.
It's also the only one that will allow you to keep your job.
Uh, okay. I'll take the Widow, then.
Great choice. Truly.
So, the Widow is great at talking about their grief.
In this case, your grief
after losing Brother Eduardo.
Who's that?
Uh, that's Officer Reinhardt.
His first name was Edward,
so we tested Eddie-Boy, Mr. Ed, Edamame,
Vitamin E, the E-Man, eTown,
E Major, E Minor and Ed Bath & Beyond.
-Mm-hmm. -But Brother Eduardo was the clear winner.
Oh, that makes sense. Okay.
Great. So, the Widow has two secret weapons.
The first one is what we call "Brave Little Girl."
It's a kind of brave smile you give.
It conveys innocence and frailty
but also courage in the face of overwhelming odds.
It's like this.
"Brave Little Girl." Let's see yours.
Eh. [chuckles] It kind of looks like "Sad Old Man."
A little more coy, like, um,
"I've got a secret, but I'll never tell."
[giggles] Mm.
-You know what I mean? -I'm sorry,
but the Widow feels kind of emasculating.
Huh. You think Vin Diesel is emasculated?
-No. -See, I don't, either.
And he's been playing the Widow for seven years.
Oh, really?
That's the true power of the Widow.
It's sexual.
And that actually brings me
to the Widow's other secret weapon:
"The Bursting Dam."
Okay, what's that?
The dam could burst at any second,
and it goes like this.
"Whenever I think about Brother Eduardo,
I just..."
[gasps] "...count my blessings."
Okay, now you go.
"Whenever I think about Brother Eduardo,
I just..."
[exhales shakily, gasps softly]
"I count my blessings."
Yes. That is so great. I love it.
Damon, can we get some of those smart pills in here? Chop-chop.
CULLEN: There's the cult. There's the steeple.
Here comes Cullen to bust you people.
[chuckles softly] That's pretty good.
-[leaves rustling] -Oh.
[hisses]
We should be able to be honest about our story, hon.
Why aren't you proud of it?
If it wasn't something to be proud of,
why was it on the news so much?
What? Of course I am now.
But you weren't the history teacher
with the shameful hard-on for a child.
You weren't the kiddie fiddler.
Y-You were never called Dirk Diddler,
Professor Pedo, the Hand-Relief Teacher.
-You're the victim. -I'm not a victim.
No, I know that, but did the school
or your parents? The journalists?
Now he knows everything.
We failed.
Do you feel like you've failed?
Course we have. Every time I've slipped up,
you're writing in your fucking book.
That book's my diary. I like to jot down
thoughts and feelings. Would you like to see?
DIRK: But why the test?
The-the-the cornhole?
It wasn't a test. I asked you if you wanted to play cornhole,
and you said yes, so we played cornhole.
And our-our history?
That-that doesn't bother you?
Not in the least.
I think it's a delightful color on you two.
Oh, God. What a relief.
[chuckles]: Oh, I was so worried
we wouldn't be accepted into this community.
Well, that's for Terry to decide.
Right. But... it doesn't bother you.
-So Terry has decided? -It's best
not to put words in Terry's mouth.
Uh, no, of-of course not.
Terry's thought processes are unimpeachable,
-and Terry's decisions final. -SUE: Of course.
We didn't mean any offense, Terry.
Oh, I'm not Terry.
[chuckles]: Uh, yes, you are.
No. I'm Micah.
I just came here to give you the tour.
Oh, I see what's happened.
Am I not wearing my name tag?
Aw, shoot.
It's on my other shirt. Sorry.
So none of this counts?
This is... this is just, like, a practice run?
No, your evaluation hasn't even started.
In fact, let's take you to Terry right now.
Oh, fantastic!
-No, just Sue. -Uh, and why not me?
Terry has requested just Sue.
But should I not be first,
-or...? -No.
I'm sure it won't be long, peanut.
Oh, yeah. Okay, yeah.
Uh, uh, bye, strawberry.
ERICA: Okey-dokey, here you go,
some brain helpers down the old hatch.
Okay, I don't think I should take any more vitamins,
'cause they make me feel good when I take them,
but then when I stop taking them,
I get really irritable and everything's harder to do.
-These aren't vitamins. -Yes, they are.
-Reinhardt and I used to... -Who's Reinhardt?
Sorry. Brother Eduardo...
-Good. -used to give these to me when we were on our shift
to keep us focused and healthy and feeling invincible,
like we could do anything, but never in a cocky, dangerous way.
Yeah. And that's what methamphetamine does.
Oh. But I would never do...
No, you did, though.
But it's impossible. I...
You did a lot. You actually did a lot.
But he could not have tricked me like...
He did, though. I guess every day.
[sighs]
Honestly, listen, they're just to help you focus
and be your best self.
In Germany, they put it in the water.
And we know Germans always make the right decision, right?
Look, it's not that I don't want them,
because I really do,
but I don't think this is a good thing.
Okay, well, listen, if you don't feel comfortable...
I don't feel comfortable.
No problem. No problem.
No problem, no problem. And honestly, you know what?
This is good. I'm glad to hear that you're 100% confident
about the interview.
I didn't say I'm a hundred percent confident.
You're not a hundred percent confident?
-No. A hundred is pretty high. -Here's the thing
about not being a hundred percent confident--
and I, honestly, I do not say this to scare you,
because I'm on your side-- but the interview
will probably trick you into admitting to your drug use,
and you will definitely lose your job and your pension,
and I wouldn't rule out jail time,
and there will be a Lifetime movie about you,
and their casting choice
will make you feel bad about yourself. Shoot.
That does scare me.
Yeah, of course it does.
Oh. I've got an idea.
Tolbeck, how about we do this together?
The two of us. Let's ride the wave together.
M-Me and you?
-Yeah. -You'll do it with me?
Every step of the way.
I am here to support you.
[chuckles]: Okay.
Wow, it's almost like I have a partner again.
Almostlike you have a partner?
Brother, you do have a partner.
[laughs]: I'm your partner.
Here you go.
Down the old hatch.
[nervous chuckle]: Okay.
Brother Eduardo used to say that, too.
-[Erica laughs] -Mm.
-All right, your turn. -Okay, here we go.
Gulp.
Wha...? Uh, you just pretended to...
You're not gonna take it?
I did... I don't know what the heck...
I thought I put it in my mouth, but...
Shoot, I guess I missed it. And we don't have any more.
So it's okay. And besides, I have been sober
for three years.
But you said we'd ride this wave together.
I can ride it sober.
But you are gonna be great.
Just don't ever mention the drugs, at all, okay?
And it will go great, okay? Damon, can you get the car?
♪
Here's your possum.
-[hissing] -Kitty! Oh, Kitty! Is she okay?
She's fine.
After she tore my arms to ribbons,
she hid in this log and hissed in my ears the entire walk back.
-[angry hissing] -Oh, that's my girl. Oh, Kitty.
My baby, I missed ya.
Come over here to...
-[chomp] -Ow! Fuck!
That's not her.
What the fuck?
That wasn't Kitty. No, that was...
that was a wild possum.
Oh, wait, is... is that...
No, I don't think that's her. It's hard to tell.
I've only been feeding her for the past few days.
You know what? We'll just say it wasn't her.
But what you did today...
[chuckles]: ...dude, all is forgiven.
You can be my cock oyster any day.
-I'm gonna take you to see my contact. -Okay.
-I'm calling off the revenge! -Revenge?
What?
You said you're calling off the revenge.
Nah, I didn't say that. I said, let's...
come on, let's go, let's get a steak.
Thought you were cooking some stew.
No. You don't want that. That's the revenge.
♪
Do you miss him?
Well, to be honest, Carol,
no, I don't, because...
I see him every day...
in the faces of kids...
[shuddering groan]
...while they play in the park.
-[sniffles] -And what do you say
to the rumors that you and he
were under the influence of drugs on that terrible night?
Ah. You know, Carol, it's hurtful, is what it is.
Look, you can say whatever you want to say about me--
I'm alive and I can defend myself-- but...
don't you say a word about Mr. Ed.
Who?
I'm sorry.
Uh, Brother Eduardo.
I always called him that.
I'm sorry. Look, these drugs are not helping.
What? I'm sorry.
Did you just admit to being on drugs right now?
Could you just cut this out of the show?
Oh, this is bad. This is so bad.
-This is live to air. -Oh.
Can I get some water or something?
We'll go to commercial break.
Please stay with us, as we follow this developing story
of police scandal and corruption.
Wait, are you talking about me?
♪
RISOLI: There he is.
Wait.
No, that's not him.
There he is. Uh-huh.
Goes by the name Magnolia.
Was in the cult for over a year.
Only been out a little while.
Used to do security.
Knows their operation inside and out.
Let's just say this guy's seen some mud.
-"Mud," by the way is... -I know what "mud" means. Yeah, yeah.
[intro to "Fallin' Rain" by Link Wray playing]
♪ I hear a sound♪
♪ It's going♪
♪ Through my brain♪
♪ I hear talk of people♪
♪ I feel the fallin' rain♪
♪ I see a man crying♪
♪ 'Cause the whole world has let him down♪
♪ Kids are laughing at funny faces♪
♪ Of a clown♪
♪ My mind...♪
MAN: Guh-doosh.
[whip cracking]
[drums beating, tribal grunt]
Captioning sponsored by CBS
Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org