♪ ♪
(line ringing)
-CARL (over phone): Hello? -Carl? I-It's me.
Dirk? Where are you?
Oh, it's okay, it's okay. I'm with Sue.
We're-we're okay.
So, uh, what's new on your end?
I don't care if you're okay. I want to know where you are,
and more importantly, where is the money
from the school's swimming pool fund?
Uh, Carl, I can't answer those questions.
Look, I-I just...
I want to say I've always respected you,
and I don't want this to affect our friendship.
What the heck are you talking about, Dirk?
You stole from my school
and you've run off with a former student.
Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Your school? I'm sorry, Carl, are you the taxpayers?
A-And she's my wife.
You married her? Jesus Christ, Dirk.
-Mm-hmm. -Where are you?
I'm sorry about the pool.
But not the high dive. That was a lawsuit waiting to happen.
-Goodbye, Carl. -Dirk, don't...
(phone dings)
CHELSEA: Oat milk cortado for...
"Special Agent Cullen."
Did you say "special agent"? I guess that's me.
(laughs) What's the damage here, Chels?
-It's on us. -Oh, come on.
I-I insist. Let me pay for this.
-It's our pleasure. -Oh, God.
You guys. Honestly, I-I should arrest the lot of you.
For excessive loveliness.
(laughs) Mmm.
Mmm. Mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm.
What is it they say?
Not every day is good,
but there's something good about every day.
(clicks tongue, chuckles)
I'll see you tomorrow, Chels.
Okay.
Coming through. FBI. Coming through.
(laughs) I'm just kidding.
Sir, please step aside. Thank you.
♪ ♪
(buzzes)
(footsteps approaching)
-(beeps) -Hey, hey.
-Do you mind, uh...? -Can't let you through.
Margaret, you know me. It's Cullen.
Can't let you through.
(stammers, sighs)
-(whispers): Fuck. -(phone vibrates)
-Yeah? -Cullen.
Hey. Hey, Tolbeck.
Yeah, I can't really talk. I'm undercover.
Then why did you call me?
Remember when we were partners?
All those years I never ate fish?
Uh, sure, yeah. Okay.
Time for our vitamins.
I kind of like it now. Like, it's not my favorite,
but it's definitely an option.
Okay, that's great, Tolbeck.
-Has the governor been notified? -(chuckles)
No. Of course not.
Hey, how's the FBI? You living the dream?
Have you found the FBI version of me? (chuckles)
(sighs) Honestly, I'm trying,
but the adjustment's been really hard, man.
I just, I thought it would be something different
than what it is, t-there's so much...
Got to go, pal. Let's get some fish tacos soon.
-(beeps) -Oh, h-hey, J-Dog. Uh, could you just let-- uh,
-let me through there, buddy? -I can't let you through.
-Mm. -(door closes)
Okay, who bought the champagne?
(chuckles) Right, 'cause these are Atlantic sturgeon.
Which make caviar.
Which, as you know, are protected
under the Endangered Species Act.
(chuckles)
Huh?
I've been listening to a sturgeon podcast for fun
but on a really fast speed,
so I-I'm fuzzy on some of the deets.
(chuckles)
-Why's he talking like that? -Yeah.
Why's he speaking like that?
I don't know-- because he's a cop!
CULLEN: Hey. Uh,
my pass didn't work again.
Okay.
Sometimes works, sometimes it doesn't. (chuckles)
Okay.
-Right. So I need a new one. -Okay.
Did you fill out the I9J?
No.
Okay. Well, you need to fill out the I9J.
Okay. Uh, where do I...
You log into your employee portal,
and under the tab for "forms and guidelines,"
you'll find the I9J.
"I" as in "irritating,"
"nine" as in baseball innings,
"J" as in "Jell-O."
Print it out, fill it in
-and bring it back to me. -Right.
But I can't get to my desk to use my computer.
Then you'll just have to use one of the terminals
in the staff lounge on level four.
Right, but I can't use the elevator,
'cause my pass won't work.
Right.
Oh, right, so I got to take the stairs?
Right.
To level four?
Right.
You know what? Get my steps up for the day.
It's good. You've been a delight.
And I'll see you soon after I get my 9J... 9I... 9...
-I9J. -Sure. Okay. (sighs)
-This is Officer Tol... Oh. -Hi, I'm Officer Tolbeck.
-Sorry. I-I'll just... -I thought I was...
-Let me do the... (chuckles) -Okay.
That's Tolbeck. I'm Officer Reinhardt.
We were gonna do this whole thing
where you took the fish and we followed you,
but we can just wrap it up right here.
You know, save a little bit of time.
Don't do that.
You don't want to do that.
No, not you. No,
you-you definitely do want to do that.
Oh, good. I thought I did.
(machine whirring)
(sighs)
-Oh. -Yes, can I help you?
Yes. I need a new pass.
Uh, here's my old pass, and here's my completed I9J.
Helen!
-HELEN (in distance): Yeah? -Do we still use the I9J?
HELEN: The what?
The I9J!
HELEN: The I9J?
-You do. I was just told... -Security pass replacement!
HELEN: No,
we don't use the I9J anymore.
-That's what I thought! -HELEN: What?
TONY: That's what I thought!
Yeah, we don't use the I9J anymore.
(whispers): Fuck me.
Okay, we've all got guns.
So, what are we doing here?
Are we going to gunfight? Or do we want to make it easy?
Or perhaps we explore a middle option.
Something easier than "gunfight"
but harder than "easy"?
Gunfight.
(vocalizing softly)
Plans for the weekend?
It's Wednesday.
I know.
(gunfire)
No, I haven't thought about the weekend yet. No, I'm trying
-to do my work. -Here we go. Got it.
You need to fill out an E3B.
♪ ♪
I'm not filling out any more paperwork!
-"E" as in "elephant." -No.
-"E" as in... -"Three"
-as in "wise men." -No! No! No! I'm a...
-"B" as in "boysenberry." -I'm an FBI special agent.
-Okay? -Congratulations, sir.
Let me through the fucking door!
No! No!
-No! -Security?
I'm a special agent.
Just give me a fucking new pass, you dumb fuck!
(grunting)
(grunts) Get off me!
Whoo! So fun.
(grunts) Get off me.
♪ ♪
(grunts, groans)
I-I really...
-I don't need to see it again. -You're right.
I should get back to my C9A form before they phase it out.
"Contrary conduct by a subordinate."
That's you. You're the subordinate,
Agent Cullen. Thanks for this.
-Right. I'm sorry. -Look, I've seen this before.
New agent thinking the FBI is gonna be just like the movies.
Now, this crazy mad dog stuff you seem to love?
That shit is old. And not cool, if you hadn't noticed.
I'm sorry.
I-I... It's my fault.
I'm just very frustrated with the bureaucracy
and the paperwork, you know?
It's just, I'm an FBI special agent.
-There has to be more than this. -(laughs)
Being called "special agent" doesn't make you special.
Doesn't mean anything.
You're not actually special.
Come on. Say it for me.
"I'm not special."
I-I take your point. I take your point.
I-I do want to hear you say it.
Okay, I'll say the words.
If you want me to say them, I-I can...
I've already asked you to say it, so you know
-I want you to say it. -Okay, yeah.
I'm certainly capable of saying those words.
-It's not... -Mm-hmm. Open your mouth and do it, then.
Okay, yes, I'm not special.
You are not.
You're just you.
Meaningless, pointless you.
And I'm sorry if that sounds harsh,
but I'm going through a divorce,
and the sooner you realize that, the better you'll be.
The sooner I realize you're getting divorced?
My divorce is private.
Alan left me for a younger woman. That's it.
Predictable story we've all heard before.
Now, can we please fucking drop it?!
Absolutely. I'm so sorry. I-I-I...
That must be very hard.
No, it's not.
'Cause I was the one that had the affair, not Alan.
(chuckles) You didn't see that coming, did you?
So maybe you're not so fucking smart after all.
Look, I-I'm so sorry for everything.
I just want to do some good.
You know, I just want a proper case. (chuckles)
A career case. All right, I have something big for you.
I really shouldn't be giving it to you-- or should I?
Maybe you're about to be the beneficiary
of a soon-to-be-divorced woman's impulsiveness.
Well, that would be great,
and I promise you I will work so hard.
You will not regret giving me this opportunity.
Do you know how Alan found out about the affairs?
-Do you? -No.
I told him.
♪ ♪
You were incredible back there.
Me? No, you, really.
You were incredible. I'm...
I hate to say it, but I'd be nothing without you.
Oh, don't hate to say it.
Say it. Say it a lot.
-Okay. -(chuckles) Get out of here.
Seriously, one trillion percent.
Man, I remember when we first met,
I was like, "Oh, no, this guy?"
I get that a lot.
But I was wrong.
You're my rock, Tolbeck.
Wow.
I'm the Hillary Essex to your CC Bloom.
Who?
The Barbara Hershey to your Bette Midler.
From Beaches.
-Nothing? -Mm-mm.
Well, any time you want to do a Beaches deep dive,
I'm a car seat away from you, okay?
Sure. Sure.
Yeah, Beaches is funny, and then it's sad.
Takes place at a beach.
I don't want to ruin the ending for you, but...
Hey, can I tell you something?
Yeah, of course. Anything.
So, I've been a cop for like 22 years,
and I think this is the first time
that I've really felt like a cop.
Right, right, definitely.
It never felt real to me.
It was like I was pretending to be a cop in a school play,
but I'm too old for school plays,
and I'm waiting for someone to stand up and say,
"Hey, there's an old man playing a cop in our school play.
How did this happen?"
But no one does, so I just keep playing this part
even though deep down I know I'm not really fooling anyone.
Mm. I get it. I never connect with theater, either.
But now I feel like I'm a real cop.
People have to do what I say.
It's a nice feeling, and I have you to thank for that.
It's my pleasure, partner.
Hey, should we watch Beaches together?
Oh, no. What am I saying?
Your generation doesn't watch movies.
Unless we watched it in 30-second increments.
Sure, I'll check it out.
-Another one? -Sure.
Come here, little guy.
Okay, I'm gonna try and swallow this one without water,
but, hmm, you know, maybe keep some standing by.
Mm, brave. Absolutely.
♪ ♪
(groggily): Mm, where are we?
Morning, sleepyhead. (chuckles)
We're less than two hours till our new life.
Really?
Ooh, I am so nervous. (chuckles)
Nervous? I'm excited.
God, I feel good.
I feel strong.
Feel like we're doing the right thing here.
Me, too. Me, too. It's just, it's so sudden.
You know, two days ago,
we were at home, you were a teacher...
(chuckles): Well, that's all in the past.
-Feels like years ago. -(clears throat)
So Principal Molina was-was okay with you, you know, leaving?
Oh, Ca... oh, Carl was great.
He was... he was very excited for us.
He-he said that he'd always thought that
I was wasted in teaching-- you know, that the...
the students never appreciated me
and maybe now that I'm gone, they'll realize
they wasted an incredible opportunity
and will pay for it for the rest of their dumb little lives now.
Yeah. Jerks.
Wow.
(laughing): Yeah, I mean, you know,
it was a little dramatic, but, uh, you know Carl.
(chuckles) But that's old news, huh?
-It's a fresh start. -A fresh start.
-Nobody knows us. -Nobody knows what we did.
Oh, okay, eh... don't say it like that.
Like what?
(sinisterly): "Nobody knows what we did."
(chuckling): What we did?
I mean, what we did was fall in love.
I-I know. I know. You know, it's just...
but the gossip and the police. (chuckles)
-We fell in love. -I know.
Just the stories they told about us and...
It's a love story, and I'm proud of our love story.
I want to tell everyone about it.
But, you know, also, let's keep it to ourselves.
I-I-I think it's more powerful as a... as a secret.
I'm just nervous.
What if nobody in the cult likes me?
What if I'm not cult material, you know?
Strawberry, it's not a cult.
I... you know, I know.
It's just, that one article called it a cult,
and it-it got in my head.
Well, get it out of your head,
because it's definitely not a cult.
Doomsday cult! Boom!
-Oh, no way. -The Collective.
This is a joint operation with the ATF.
You're leading the investigation for the FBI.
You'll be running a state-of-the-art,
high-tech mobile command unit, and you start tonight!
Oh, amazing. I accept. I accept one million percent.
And what did... what did they do?
There's reports that leader
Terry Mann has been extorting people,
taking their life savings, but also they're a cult.
-Hmm. -This is an opportunity for you
to really make a name for yourself
as a special FBI agent.
Not gonna let you down.
Life is hard here.
You're starting at the bottom again,
no one likes you, you have no self-awareness.
Well, hold on.
-I mean, people like me. -No.
No, they really don't.
See, that's the lack of self-awareness right there.
No, I understand. I'm maybe not the best agent yet,
-but I'm friendly. -(phone dialing, line rings)
I mean, I'm easy to get along with.
-RUSSO: Russo. -Russo, it's Fuller.
Cullen, the new guy, what do you make of him?
I don't know him. Sorry.
Yeah, you do. You did that white-collar fraud thing
with him for, like, three months.
Oh, shit! Yeah, that guy.
Sorry. I think I blocked him out.
Yeah, just not my guy. Not a fan.
You're not pairing me with him again, are you?
Nope. Bye.
Well, look, Russo's a grouch.
I mean, you should really ask Rodríguez.
-(phone dialing, line rings) -Mm-hmm. I'm calling her now.
-RODRIGUEZ: Hello. -It's Fuller.
I wanted to ask you about the new guy Cullen.
-You like him? -Oh, man, that guy
that's always wearing his FBI windbreaker?
Ugh! Yeah, not really.
Every morning, he does this passive-aggressive
alpha male thing where he bullies the barista
into giving him free coffee.
Dude, just pay for the fucking coffee.
(laughs) Totally. Thanks!
-(phone dialing, line rings) -Okay, I got it. That's-that's enough.
-Turner, what's up? -TURNER: Hey.
Cullen, the new guy-- good guy?
No. Total dick.
And I say that knowing full well I'm probably on speakerphone,
and he's probably listening.
That's great. I mean, I-I guess you're right.
Everybody hates me, I have no self-awareness,
and, uh, I'm not special.
-Amen. -You know,
I was already motivated to do a good job on this case.
I don't think you needed to have me hear all the mean comments.
Is it really mean if it's true?
Now, go prove them wrong.
Be a special agent.
Alan used to nod at me like that.
You think I should call him?
I don't have an opinion, ma'am.
♪ ♪
(singsongy): Hey, I have something to tell you.
(singsongy): What is it?
Yeah, there's one more thing
that I haven't told you about the Collective.
What is it?
So the Collective has children within the complex
that you can foster and raise.
And I told them about you and how you can't have children,
and they put you on the list!
You're gonna be a mom!
Wow. Wow!
Oh, o-okay, okay.
-Good. -Oh.
I thought you'd be a little more excited.
No. Oh, I am. I-I am.
It's just, uh, y-you told them I-I can't have kids?
Right.
But-but that makes it sound like I-I can't actually...
have kids.
Uh, yeah, because you can't.
(chuckles) Sorry, strawberry, that's the...
-that's the reality. -(chuckles)
Well, I mean,
I know we can't,
but, like, technically, I-I can.
(laughs) And how do you imagine that?
It's just, scientifically, I-I can have children.
(chuckles) Well, scientifically, spiritually, emotionally,
doesn't matter what you call it.
I mean, you can't have children.
Right.
It's just because that's due
to your semen
not containing sperm.
Right.
And I'm your husband, so, therefore,
you can't have children.
Okay. Okay.
Okay, o-okay. W-W-Wait.
A-Are you saying this is my fault?
No, it's nobody's fault.
-No, it's not. -Mm-hmm.
I told them you can't have children,
which is true.
But I could have children with the right semen.
Okay, sorry, "the right semen"?
-So my semen isn't right. -No, no, of course not.
-You have beautiful semen. -That's what you're tell--
-Well, that's what... (groans) -I-I love your semen.
So much.
It's just not the right semen
for doing what semen is supposed to do.
I was just meaning hypothetically...
Oh, okay. Well, if we're being hypothetical,
then I'll make a spaceship and fly to an alien world
where you can make babies by putting your finger
in an alien crystal.
Then I can have children too, huh?
Ridiculous, strawberry.
♪ ♪
No, I've thought about this a lot.
I-I just feel like, if we had tails,
so many of our problems would be avoided.
Look at a dog's tail.
-It's undeniable truth-teller. -Hmm.
A dog can't pretend to be happy
when his tail is hanging between his legs.
Right. Right.
-Yeah, you got nothing to hide. -Exactly.
You're a sad dog. Let's deal with that.
Wait, have we had this conversation before?
Yeah. But's that okay. I mean, come on,
nothing wrong with playing the hits.
(groans) It's weird.
I thought I just came up with that. (chuckles)
A lot of the time, I don't even know what I'm thinking.
I know there's thoughts in my head, but sometimes I just--
I don't know what they are.
That ever happen to you?
No, I don't think so.
-Mm. -Yo,
are you taking me to the fucking station or not?
-Whoa! -Whoa!
Totally forgot he was in there.
Me, too.
Oh, man. I said all of that stuff.
Tonight is a blur.
You know what, you should just take off.
What? Like, I can go?
-(handcuffs clicking) -Yeah, yeah.
We're gonna let you off with a warning this time.
You're fucked up, dude.
Get the fuck out of here before I change my mind.
Fuck that guy. Don't listen to him.
(groans) Can't believe I said all that stuff.
Hey, we got 45 minutes left on this shift.
What do you say we pump up some '70s funk rock
and go for a spin at the docks, huh?
Nah, it's okay.
I know you don't like '70s funk rock.
Yeah, but you love it, and this is your night now.
You sure?
Yes! Let's go.
(starts engine)
♪ ♪
(engine revs)
Ten miles to go.
Cool.
I know it's not a cult, peanut.
Look, I-I never called it a cult.
Dirk Cumberson doesn't join cults.
I-I frankly don't know why we're even using that word.
You're right. I'm so sorry I upset you.
I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry too, that I got heated there.
Huh? It's just, my mind is racing,
eh, but with good things.
I love you, peanut.
Not as much as I love you, strawberry.
Hey, did we just have our first ever fight?
Was it? We never fight.
(chuckles): I know.
We never fight. We never go to bed angry.
First and last.
Let's never fight again.
Dealio.
(both chuckle)
You know, I'm still...
I'm still kinda nervous.
What if I say the wrong thing in front of... Terry?
Oh, you won't. I-I've thoroughly prepared for the interview.
He's gonna love us.
Oh, he'll love you. You're so smart,
he'll probably start asking you for advice.
(chuckles) Oh, come on.
I mean, you know, that might happen, I suppose.
"Course, Terry, how can I help?
"Oh, don't be silly, Terry. It's no trouble at all.
What's on your mind?"
(chuckles)
("Vehicle" by The Ides of March playing)
(tires screeching)
(engine revving)
♪ I'm your vehicle, woman ♪
♪ By now, I'm sure you know... ♪
You were right. I feel a lot better.
I bet! Why don't you flick the siren?
-Really? -Why do you think
this car has a siren? For it not to be flicked?
-(siren wailing) -(chuckles)
Oh, look out. Oil spill at one o'clock.
Okay, here we go!
(tires screeching)
-REINHARDT: Whoa...! -(whooping)
♪ I can take you to Holly... ♪
(Sue exhales, chuckles)
-We're here. -(both chuckle)
Our new life
begins...
-now. (gasps) -(gate clanking open)
♪ ♪
-(knocking) -(zapping sounds on TV)
Oh. Just walking straight in, huh?
Are you the new FBI guy?
Yes. I'm Special Agent Cullen.
Okay, well, there's a "special" top bunk
right over there with your name on it.
I got the bottom bunk. I'm Risoli, ATF.
Welcome to Siberia. (laughs)
-(zapping sounds continue) -Oh, Jesus.
(tires screech)
♪ ♪
♪ You were content to let me shine... ♪
Oh, man. That was fun.
Whew. That was so fun.
On a serious note though,
have you ever thought about stunt driving?
-For movies? -Yes.
Yes, I have!
But Cullen never let me drive, so I forgot about it.
Also, sometimes when a hobby becomes work,
-it stops being fun, so, you know... -Yeah.
You could totally do it. Your shifting?
-I mean, you're an incredible driver. -Aw, thanks, man.
That's a nice compliment to end the evening on.
(scoffs) Yeah. Ten minutes left. Look at that.
Just enough time to get back to the station.
-Another great shift. -Another great shift.
-Let's hit it. -(starts engine)
(tires screeching)
Whoa, don't go too fast. Whoa, whoa!
-Look out! -(cat yowls)
♪ Did you ever know ♪
♪ That you're my hero? ♪
♪ And everything ♪
-♪ I would like to be? ♪ -(muffled shouting)
♪ I can fly higher than an eagle ♪
♪ 'Cause you are the wind beneath my wings ♪
♪ Did I ever tell you you're my hero? ♪
♪ You're everything ♪
♪ Everything I wish I could be ♪
♪ Oh, and I ♪
♪ I can fly higher than an eagle ♪
♪ 'Cause you are the wind beneath my wings. ♪
MAN: Guh-doosh.
(whip cracking)
(drums beating, tribal grunt)