Homo! Are you a boy or a girl?
Get a haircut!
You know the feeling -
when you don't come up with anything smart to say?
Weirdo homo. - Yeah!
It happens to me a lot.
"Dickheads." That's what I should've said.
LOTVONEN SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I'm a metalhead. And we have a band.
That's Lotvonen.
He's insanely fast. As a guitar player.
His parents own this reindeer slaughterhouse.
He also works here.
Pasi is the smartest guy I know.
He might not be totally normal; he remembers everything.
Like, every song he's ever heard. - Hi.
Pasi works in the library. - You have Justin Bieber?
We have Scandinavia's biggest metal record collection in town.
Excellent choice.
Uruguayan grindcore metal.
Listen to that blast beat.
That's one hell of a beat.
Jynkky is the toughest guy in our band.
He's not afraid of anything.
What? Did he die again?
Dilated pupils are a sign of the brain not getting enough oxygen.
Jynkky!
All right. - Yeah. Let's continue.
Jynkky dives into things headfirst.
That's why he's been declared dead twice.
He's so eager to gig abroad.
I'm not so sure about performing.
We've known each other since we were kids.
I guess we were all some kind of outcasts.
This music is our thing.
Other guys can play hockey and drive around chasing pussy.
We play metal.
Dinner's ready. You coming to eat? - Hell yeah.
We're done rehearsing.
Why do we always have reindeer?
I'll eat yours.
Your playing makes the reindeer want to kill themselves.
Soon I'll be out of work. - Not funny.
Boys, the meaning of life is like a clitoris.
You move around it, but you can never be sure -
you've found it. - You haven't.
I've tried. - Quiet. Not in front of the boys.
That was good practice! - That's right.
We're getting there. - The sound was perfect.
It would be awesome to play that cover at a real gig.
If we played that, people would be floored.
There's a club in Oulu where they have new bands.
Seriously? - Yeah. What do you say?
I mean, we've been practicing 12 years.
That would be damn cool.
No gigs before we've written our own songs.
We're not playing covers. - Yeah, we need to write songs.
I wonder what it would be like to be onstage playing.
Morning! - Morning!
I'm happy you provide the residents with entertainment.
Kolehmainen in Room 9 shit his pants again.
Again? - Again.
Hurry up before I throw my panties at you.
Better to shit yourself than to be forever constipated. - Right.
It's his birthday today, -
so please go get flowers when you have time.
Thank you. - You're welcome.
Hi, Turo. - Good morning.
You came to buy flowers? - Yeah.
Come on in.
I need some kind of a bouquet.
One of our residents has a birthday today.
How about some roses and a gerbera? - Sounds good.
How about a blue one like this? That would be unique. - Sure.
Here we go.
How's the band? - We're doing okay.
Any gigs coming up? - We haven't got any yet.
I remember you dreaming about being in a band already in school.
And you always performed in school plays.
I played a rock because I was so shy. - That's rock 'n' roll.
Miia!
Miia. You... - Oh, hi, Jouni.
You look like an angel today. - Jouni Tulkku himself.
What brings the entertainer to our shop?
You know why I'm here. You wanna go for a drive?
I'm going to Kuusamo; we could have dinner there.
That would be nice, but I'm busy here.
Here you are, Turo. - Thanks.
Let me tie these. That'll be 20 euros.
Oh, Turo. I didn't notice you.
Miia captures my attention totally. - Right.
Jouni, you remember Turo also has a band?
Oh. Really?
That's nice. I mean, it's nice to meet a fellow musician.
If I can do anything to help you in the music business, -
just ask. No questions asked.
Really? - Anytime.
I gotta go. See you later.
Stay wonderful. - Right.
Bye!
I gotta go, too. - Okay.
Come back soon!
We have a heavy metal band.
We've been looking for a condenser mic... - Listen.
I don't give a pussy hair about your metalhead faggot band.
You can stick the condenser mic up your ass for all I care.
One more thing.
In the future, go buy your greens somewhere else.
I've been warming that chick up for a long time, -
and you ain't gonna ruin it.
Some might say I work too hard to get laid, but I say, -
"The chase is better than the catch."
You know? No, you don't know a fucking thing.
Go get haircut. I'll go get laid.
With my dick. A pussy. A woman's pussy.
Homo!
Moilanen, are you smuggling drugs?
Jouni said you went to the flower shop -
to woo my daughter. - I bought flowers for one of our residents.
What? - I bought flowers for one of our residents.
I didn't let her move to the city -
because I didn't want her to end up -
dating a glue sniffer like you.
She needs a real man. I know the perfect son-in-law.
Jouni Tulkku? - He's a good man.
He's a player. - What? Say that again.
I mean, I play. In a heavy metal band.
You're a hippie.
Make sure the flowers end up in a vase -
and not in a pipe in one of your drug dens.
Or I'll lock all of you up.
Did you call Jouni a player? - No, I didn't.
Now we're gonna write a song.
Okay, let's do it.
What the hell. That's what we'll do.
How does the song start?
Lotvonen, you have a riff'?
I have a couple of ideas.
"Walk" by Pantera. 1992.
How about this?
Children of Bodom: "Everytime I Die." 2000. Laiho.
Mors Subita: "The Sermon." Finnish melodic death metal.
"Crucified." Necrobutcher of Infernal Legions. 1989.
Turo, why don't you write lyrics first?
What should I write about?
Heavy metal lyrics are usually based on mythology, -
occultism, satanism, or crappy fantasy literature.
You can also write about your personal misfortunes.
Those I've got plenty of. - That's right.
He's right.
What the hell...
What the hell.
Darn!
That's it.
Jynkky, this is it.
Are you stupid? This is our sound!
This is a pure blast beat!
The souls of hundreds of reindeers screaming in pain -
on their way to reindeer hell.
When we turn this into a song, grannies will go crazy.
I was thinking it would go like this.
I've never heard anything like it.
It has a bit of Forced Vomit's "Vominatorium Excalibur," -
but the sound is unique.
I'll start with the riff. Then Jynkky and Pasi join in.
Pasi, should we start on the same beat? - Sure.
Then my solo. - No solo.
Then we'll all headbang in sync.
One, two, one, two...
Okay, let's go. - Yeah.
This is "Flooding Secretions," meaning "shit on your thighs."
Goddammit! We've never played as brutally as we just did!
And this was our song.
There's a lot of message in your lyrics, Turo.
Yeah, a lot of words.
Look at this. Our first demo.
Now we make tons of copies -
and send them to record companies, agencies and studios.
Turo, I'll write your number on it. - Mine?
You're the front man, so you can take care of publicity.
Come help me, son.
Some guy pulled into the driveway. A foreigner.
What if he's an EU inspector? I've taken a few liberties -
interpreting the directives. - Let's go ask.
Who is he? - I guess he's an EU inspector.
Doesn't look like one.
Does he have money?
We sure as hell have blood. This ain't no flower shop.
Tell him this is supersharp.
Oh.
Goddammit! Shit!
Goddammit!
I'm sure I'm gonna lose my permit now.
Isn't that the logo of the metal festival in Norway?
The biggest one in the Cap of the North. - Who was he?
"Frank Massegrav, festival promoter."
Jynkky! What are you doing?
What the hell are you doing?
What did you say to him? - I gave him our demo.
Guys, we're gonna play at a festival! - What?
Guys, you know what?
I have a feeling this could be something.
A gig in Norway.
Oh hi, Turo.
What's up?
We might have a gig coming up.
At a festival in Norway. - What?
That's huge! - I don't know about it...
Congratulations!
Miia, dazzling as always. Turo, looking like you always do.
Guess what? Turo and his band have a gig in Norway.
It's not that big a deal. - It is.
That's... great. Will you play for an audience?
The gig is at a festival.
I'm so happy for you. Fuck.
Why don't we get going.
Turo must be busy with the upcoming gig.
Hop in.
Turo, that was great news.
Hop in. - Rock rock.
Rock. - Awesome news!
Awesome indeed.
Turo, hi!
You want a beer?
A gig in Norway. No frigging way! That's cool.
The farthest Jouni's band has been is Kiiminki.
I have to say you rock.
Hats off to you.
Thanks.
We got a new resident in the closed ward.
A really dangerous one. Don't go into his room.
Hand the linens over through the hatch.
Got it? - Got it.
Or do you want me to do it-
now that you got the gig coming up? - I'll take care of it.
Sure thing.
Why so scared'?
Huh? - I've never seen a...
A Laplander? - Yeah.
I've got linens. Clean ones.
If I come in, will you take it easy? - Sure.
I'm Turo. - Oula.
Oula! Calm down, goddammit!
What's that music? - Metal.
What? - Metal.
Metal? Well well.
Remember not to shake hands with him or move abruptly.
It triggers aggression in him.
He was in reform school in Pello, -
but they couldn't handle him there. - Yeah, he didn't sound local.
Right.
Imagine, the Northern Damnation Festival in Norway.
We're on stage. There's a huge audience -
holding their breath in anticipation.
More and more people gather in front of the stage.
They're there to see us.
We walk onstage; the lights are bright.
A thousand people stare at us intensely.
Then it's all quiet;
even the audience is nervous as hell.
I give the beat with a click of the sticks.
Lotvonen lets out one hell of an avalanche of riffs.
Pasi beats the bass like mad.
Then Turo lets out a metal growl. The audience is floored.
This is one hell of a thing.
I knew Frank would call you right away and offer us a gig.
He must've liked our song.
Jynkky...
Yeah, he mentioned the main stage. - Main stage?
What the hell. There's gonna be at least 3,000 people.
Damn. - Or 10,000.
He really liked our demo.
You gotta like it. The whole village has gone crazy.
I even got a discount at the hot dog stand.
How are we gonna get to Norway?
We need a bigger car. Jynkky's car is too small.
And we need a name. A good one. - Yeah.
And a logo. - Yeah.
Jouni's gigging at the hotel. Wanna go have a laugh at him?
Let's go! - Let's go.
Guys, you need to help me get my car started.
The name has to have two words. In English. Like Forced Vomit.
Fetal Death?
Fetal Death.
Let's not get small kids involved in this.
How about Blood Poisoning?
Eternal Tears of Sorrow? - No way.
How about Exorcised Vomit?
Possessed Vomit. - That's pretty nasty.
Vomit is good.
I'm thirsty Your spring is a shower
I'm thirsty The nectar of your flower
My parched lips Awaiting the rain to start
Look.
The rock stars are here!
Who will extinguish this fire in my heart
I salute.
We'll have a small break. We'll continue in a moment.
May I have your attention. I'd like to say a couple of words.
On behalf of our municipality and our residents, -
I'd like to present this pennant to you.
Here you are.
I heard your band will play a gig -
at a music event in Norway. ls it true?
Yes. I was actually supposed to tell you...
Our gig is going to be shown on Norwegian TV live. - Excellent.
Good luck.
I wish you all luck.
Proud of you. Proud of you.
Goddammit.
Jynkky. Give me Frank's business card. - Sure.
I need to discuss some practical things. - Right.
Let him know our rider. - Yeah.
We need to give him a list of the things we want backstage.
Tomorrow we'll go buy a van from Tulkku.
We need space for all of our stuff. - And we need band photos.
Hi. - Hi.
I kinda accidentally blurted out the news about your gig.
It's so great I just had to tell everyone.
That's okay. - Good.
It's great you're going all the way to Norway to play a gig.
Is it your first gig? - Yeah, we thought we'd start at the top.
Although it wouldn't hurt to practice as an opening act.
But it's a little hard to get one around here.
Jouni.
Miia. Should we finally check the backstage out?
Why don't you take the boys as your opening act.
Right. Well... I wonder how that would work out.
Give the boys a chance.
Well, it would be a nice change to have a comedy act here.
So what do you say, Moilanen? You wanna open -
for the Star Mustaches next Saturday?
Say yes!
Sure. - Yes!
That's awesome! Thanks, Jouni, that's so nice of you!
My pleasure. - Yes!
What kind of music do you retards even play?
Symphonic post-apocalyptic reindeer-grinding -
Christ-abusing extreme war pagan Fennoscandian metal.
No wonder you're not getting any pussy.
And who stuck a pole up his ass? One of you?
Frigging ghost.
Impaled Ass...
We want the best van we can get for this money.
That's 260. - Yeah. What can we get with it?
A snow tire and gonorrhea. Barely.
Okay, I'll trade my Peugeot 205 for the van.
XL? - Yeah.
285 euros. I might have a van for you.
This is it. It has a beautiful patina.
It's seen a lot of life. Or actually death.
This van has killed three large animals and one person.
A dwarf. Chinese, I think.
Then it was buried in a swamp.
It was used in a bank robbery in Sweden.
And a circus professional, a clown, -
killed himself in the passenger seat.
It's the van of death.
The death van.
Yes. We'll take it.
Okay.
Jynkky, why don't you lend me your old drums.
We'll take them to the care home. - Why?
For music therapy.
Fuck! It clicked again. That damn speed camera haunts me!
We could've taken another road.
I've been taking this road -
since before I got my driver's license.
I ain't taking back roads because of that cam.
That cost me 100 euros.
Sweet Jesus on a stick! I never would've believed it.
Take new linens to him. And then there's Kolehmainen...
I heard you have a gig at the hotel. - Yeah.
A bunch of the staff will be there.
This is a great song!
What is it?
My buddies and I have a band. - Are you famous?
I don't know about that.
We probably have a couple of gigs coming up, though. - Listen.
I'm sorry about last time.
I sometimes lose it. You see, I'm crazy.
Just kidding!
Don't you have a sense of humor?
I haven't seen much humor in anything lately.
Why are you so serious?
This one thing got out of hand.
Everybody's expecting a lot of me.
What if I screw up and ruin everything?
Boy, the only way to get rid of your fears is facing them.
You see, -
there's a tribe in Africa that steals food from lions.
They're fearless young men.
They just walk up to the lions as if they owned the forest.
The lions are stunned when someone isn't scared of them.
The warriors just snatch their kill right in front of them.
Are you from there? - Nearby.
I'm from Karigasniemi, Finnish Lapland!
I saw it on TV. In a nature documentary.
We don't have that many lions around here.
You don't really get metaphors, do you?
We all have our lions to face.
What are we doing here? - I'm hungry.
Pasi.
That's one hell of a costume.
There's no more Pasi.
There's only Xytrax. - Xytero?
Xytrax. - Xytero?
It's a pseudonym. All the legends have pseudonyms.
Trollhorn, King Diamond, Nuclear Holocausto.
And now Xytrax.
Here's our logo.
Iskender Kebab. That's cool.
I love iskender kebab. - No, Impaled Rektum.
That's our name. Impaled ass. - That's even better.
Impaled Rektum. That's brutal.
And now we'll take a promo shot.
More.
That's too much.
Turn it towards the swamp. No...
Which swamp? - It was good.
Clockwise. - Your clockwise or mine?
That's it.
How can we get the photo?
From the police station. - Yeah.
It took a photo. Let's get going.
Jynkky, I need a ride. I need to do one thing.
I've never been here before.
Wait here; I won't be long.
No. I'm coming with you.
I'm not going to wait here by myself.
RANUA ZOO
What an amazing place.
Bears are such big animals.
You can't tell from TV or in photos.
But here you can see that they're damn big.
Wolves kill for fun, you know?
They practice killing with reindeers.
There must be a whole pack of them in the back.
How cute!
Turo, what the hell? - We all have our lions to face.
That's a wolverine. - It's a metaphor.
Don't. What the hell...Turo!
We have liver casserole at home. You could've eaten that.
What in the world happened to you? - Nothing really.
I've just been wrestling with a couple of things. - Okay.
Are you coming to see our gig tomorrow? - Of course.
Good.
You need anything else?
That's it.
I was thinking...
Would you like to have coffee with me?
Sure, I love coffee. With buns.
Yeah, with buns.
It's a deal.
What did I tell you? Leave my daughter alone!
Throw that baton back! You hear me'?
REINDEER AND COUGAR
The place is packed!
What's that? - Pyrotechnics.
Good idea.
I gotta go to the bathroom.
Fuck!
Turo Moilanen.
Turo, let's go!
Thank you. Welcome, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm a generous guy, so I'm giving a group of local boys a shot.
Some wild rock 'n' roll to kick off the night...
What was the name of your band? - Impaled Rektum.
Please welcome: lmpure Recluse!
Oops. Sorry.
Turo!
Oh dear. Oh dear.
No one gets it right every time.
That was great. Your gig in Norway will be a success.
There will be no gig in Norway.
Turo Moilanen would like to say something.
There will be no gig in Norway!
What? - There never was.
What the fuck, Turo? - Homo!
No frigging Way...
Everything's fine...
What the hell have you done.
Yes... - Shut up!
You're lucky if the mayor doesn't press charges against you -
for property damage or lying through your teeth.
And your so-called car. I'm confiscating it.
It hasn't been inspected in two years.
We bought it from Jouni. - Don't drag him into this!
He said he told you it hasn't been inspected.
He didn't. - Shut up!
Give me the keys.
You damn raccoon. What is it?
We recently took a promo shot-
with the speed cam...
Could we get the photo as soon as possible? - What?
It's a promo shot for the band.
That's what you did? - Yeah, we did.
No, you can't have it!
The photo is government property.
Make sure you don't leave town.
Miia!
Let's go.
Impaled Rektum.
First gig and a huge scandal and a lot hate.
Very good.
I should've known this was going to happen -
when glue-sniffing criminals are allowed to mingle -
with good citizens.
Dude, you lied.
It got out of hand. - Shut up!
I'm darn mad.
This isn't working.
I quit.
Turo. You're not going to quit, are you?
Everything has sucked the whole time.
We should've stayed in Lotvonen's basement.
Turo. That's not what bands do.
Bands play for people. Other people.
Well, what did you think of our gig? - It was damn impressive!
Not very many bands have first gigs like that.
Besides, we have a gig in Norway.
There's no gig in Norway. There never was.
I don't care if we play in the parking lot.
We made it this far. I don't want to give up.
I'm going to Norway even if I'm dead!
We don't even have a car. - I'll get the van back.
And then we'll go. I'll call you.
Hi. - Hi.
Have you seen Turo? - No.
Okay. Where's Jouni?
I've been going through rough times.
My grandmother is terminally ill, among other things.
Don't pull on my suit. I use it onstage.
Hi. - Yeah.
This doesn't concern you.
Want to have a threesome?
Why don't you go to hell.
I don't know her. Continue.
POLICE
Shit.
We'll be home soon.
Shitty cam!
We have gathered here to see Jyrki Kalevi Pätsi off -
on his final journey.
Jyrki managed to experience many things during his short life.
His wick of life burned with a big flame.
The water of life flowed in his heart, clear like a crystal.
Does anyone have anything to say -
before we commit his body to the ground?
To my best friend.
The Jynkky Special. Without pickles.
Because you were special too.
"In the misty morning, on the edge of time."
"We've lost the rising sun."
"We sailed across the air before we learned to fly.“
"We thought that it could never end."
"We're lost children of the sea."
Ronnie James, Dio. 1980.
I have to go to work.
My dad thinks I should take over the slaughterhouse -
while he still has most of his arms and legs left.
I also have a lot of work.
I haven't changed my plans.
Hi. - Hi.
Come on in.
It's a bit messy here.
Are you moving?
No. I'm just packing old junk away.
Blood motor.
It's a bit childish to have posters on the walls at my age.
How's the band? - Well...
I don't know.
I got pissed. - What?
I thought I'd be good.
I should've known I'd screw it up -
if I tried to sing in front of people.
I'm glad we quit.
Goddammit! No way in hell! Are you gonna give up too?
Well... I have to move on.
I have to think about others. - You can't be serious.
You're the reason I've been thinking -
about going to school in Oulu.
And now you're giving up!
There's nothing selfish about being yourself!
Greetings from the police station. You can burn it if you want.
Jynkky, dammit.
What the hell. Let's go.
Hey, Moilanen? Are you gay because you're so pretty?
Yeah.
Gays are real men. Manly men.
Are your keys in the car? - Yeah.
Good.
Hey!
This sounded horrible. As if someone was killing a pig.
They didn't kill a pig.
It was a goat.
They recorded this song with a microphone -
that was in a dead sheep's carcass.
All right.
What the hell...
Goddammit!
Oula, calm down.
Pasi. - It's Xytrax.
Put our demo on.
Where are you taking me? - To Norway.
What the hell am I going to do in Norway?
You'll play symphonic postapocalyptic reindeer-grinding -
Christ-abusing extreme war pagan Fennoscandian metal.
Border Guard. - This is Police Chief Kujanpää from Taivalkoski.
You speak Finnish? - Yes, a little.
A gang of Devil worshippers are on their way to the border.
They're driving a van.
They dug up a grave. Close the border.
We'll only close the border if it's something serious, -
such as a terrorist threat.
They are terrorists!
I'm sure they're all funta... funda...
Fundamentalists? - Yes.
I'll pass your message onto my superiors. - OK.
Colonel Dokken.
Sorry for disturbing you, but I got an emergency call from Finland.
A group of Finnish terrorists are going to cross the border.
We were asked to stop them.
I knew this day would come.
Call the Delta Troops. - Delta Troops?
You mean those voluntary military troops?
The safety of the country is at stake!
We need all the troops.
We're the last line of defense! And we won't back down.
Angelo... You'll be smokin' hot soon.
You're here because you're the best of the best.
You're here because your country needs you.
Because you're fearless.
Because -
you live nearby.
Using force is recommended.
Let's give these terrorists a welcome they'll never forget!
Oh my God, here we go again.
Judah, sulking is forbidden at a bachelor party.
Hey, I can drive us back.
Jesus and the disciples is the best idea ever -
for a bachelor party.
Look what I got!
This keeps getting better!
Judah, turn the music down.
You missed one hit.
I assume you understand the importance of gun safety.
Don't point it at me. Oh God.
Take your finger off the trigger!
Grenade!
What the hell?
Colonel, with all due respect, this makes no sense.
We need to ask headquarters for backup. - A car!
Angelo!
You can't shoot them! - Just a warning shot.
Sergeant, arrest those men.
We better drive nice and slow.
I'm glad border control is on the job.
Say "cheese"!
You stopped the wrong car!
We stopped the wrong car.
Guys, we're in Norway!
Go, Sweden!
We're not gonna get stuck here, are we?
Brake! - I am braking.
Brake better!
No!
Shit! - No!
The megaphone! - What the hell?
You'll stay in the car.
MY Van!
Hey!
Dad!
What the hell are they talking about?
Hey.
It can't end like this.
Listen, mop-tops! It's the end of the road now.
You'll be locked away for a long time.
The longer you wait, the longer the sentence.
Guys.
Listen.
What are we gonna do? Are we gonna give up?
Darn it!
I say we follow Jynkky.
And I'm the one they keep in a closed ward.
We died and went to hell.
I'd say this is either Asgard or Valhalla.
Wasn't this supposed to be a fantasy game?
These guys look like Finnish metalheads.
This is a Middle Age SCA, not fantasy larping.
Do you always have to play a fairy? - Yes.
Damn Legolas. - Hey! Take us down!
Next time it's your turn to be crucified!
Land ho!
Northern Damnation!
Right, boys? - Damn.
Hey, where do you think you're going?
There are all kinds of bums ready to cause trouble for you.
Dad, you can't protect me for the rest of my life.
I'm going to the festival. Try to behave.
You understand?
What are you doing?
This won't feel like mine if I don't do this.
I gotta go to the bathroom.
It'll go well. - Miia.
What the hell are you doing here?
I've seen enough of back home.
And I wanted to see your gig.
I'm your number one fan, after all.
Show them what you got.
I've been wanting to tell you something.
Rock rock!
Fuck!
Yes!
He got it wrong.
Jynkky, we're playing Northern Damnation!
Shields!
Let the boys play some more.
The vocalist might be my future son-in-law.
What? - Son-in-law.
Sometimes it's better to just do things and think afterwards.
Dare to screw up. Or like our resident Kolehmainen said, -
"Better to shit yourself than to be forever constipated."
We'll do some time. But that just adds to our street cred.
Pasi's pleased. I don't know about Lotvonen.
I think he'll miss his reindeers.
Oula doesn't seem to mind.
At least he got a break from being locked up.
But one thing all of us boys can agree on.
You'll hear from Rektum again.
Translated by Aretta Vähälä Proofread by Rich Lyons