We had just gotten married.
He called our pastor, okay?
-He said... -Come talk to this one.
"what is wrong with her? She has just lost her mind."
he called the pastor. I laid him out,
laid the pastor out. I mean, anybody got in
-my way that day, okay? -She did.
We always find a resolve.
Some... But some time it takes a day...
You know, by the end of the night we're good, right?
-Yeah... -Yeah?
But I learned to do the "husband thing..."
-what does that mean? -When I come back...
-The "husband thing"? -Is...
See, I'm still learning these new things
I don't say anything and I listen to you.
[theme music playing]
[terri] they wanna know how we met.
-[charles] how we met, okay. -That's quite a story.
-Quite a story, okay. -[laughs]
I'll start it, okay? I was... I was married, okay?
And my beautiful wife had cancer.
And she subsequently died of it.
But before passing,
she herself also was an ordained minister.
And she knew... And knew, uh,
terri, who's also an ordained minister.
And they arranged for terri to start coming over here
to pray with ethel during her time of illness.
She said something very interesting to me
after one of our meetings.
She said, "you know, I'm really not afraid to die."
she said, uh, 'cause I think at that point you guys been married 39 years, right?
-Thirty nine years. -Thirty nine years.
And she said, "I've seen my children and my grandchildren."
she said, "I'm not afraid."
she said, "my only concern is..."
she said is "charles and I have been together since..."
-we were, what, how old were you? -She was 16 and I was 20.
And 20... She said, "we've been together all our life."
she says, and...
"I'm not sure charles will know how to live alone.
I'm really concerned about who he would end up with."
she said, "because... A lot of women would mistake
his kindness for weakness."
she said, "charles is an extremely kind person."
she says, "I just don't want anybody to take advantage of him"
she said, "he's very..." she kept, you know, kind of, like,
she says, "he'll do anything, if he loves you, he will do
anything for you."
so one time I came over right before she passed.
And I came to the door, and that's the first interaction
that you and I really had.
-Mmm-hmm. -Because you told me, you said,
"I'm giving ethel a bath right now."
he treated her with such gentleness
and kinda talked her through it, you know,
"honey, I've gotta move you this way, I've gotta..."
and I helped him, and I saw, and then he picked her up,
and he carried her into the living room,
and he said, "you look like a queen today."
you know, and I mean, I was almost in tears
because I just never,
I... Then I understood what she was saying about
his level of kindness showing, and compassion,
and how much he loved her, you know.
That was, like, really, really evident.
I spent time with some great mentors
and watched how they interacted with their wives.
How...
What sacrifice looked like
because sometimes we think sacrifice is so painful
all the time, and it is not.
Sometimes it's just saying,
"wait a minute, I'm just not gonna make me
the number one priority right now,
I'm gonna make what she wants,
or needs, the greatest priority."
if you learn to serve, you're not gonna be
disappointed if you believe that's in the job description.
-And it's not about... It just wasn't about me. -Mmm.
Taking that serving attitude
I think has been one of the greatest components to
us having success even to this point.
-[laughs] -mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.
The thing that I pride myself on
is that I know her.
[softly] he knows me.
I've taken the time to know her.
[in normal voice] he is great
at paying attention to details
and it makes a real difference.
So the work for me is,
is, if I love her
then it has to be... It has to be lived out.
So the way that I live it out is
I try to get to know you so I know what makes you tick,
what sets you off
and I try to love you the way that you want to be loved.
-Um... -Yes.
I try, I'm not perfect at it by any stretch of imagination but
my growth for me was that moment where
I just recognized that she's a completely different person.
We don't think the same, we are night and day
on a lot of stuff.
I'm always hot, she's always cold.
-Um... -[laughs]
-[softly] yes. -Yeah.
Dual climate in the car was the best thing
-they ever invented. Um... -[deshun laughs]
but for me, the growth moment is
recognizing and respecting
and loving that she's a different person
and that it takes,
it takes effort or energy and work
to learn to speak her language to love her because
it's not my default.
-What I default to, don't do it for her. -Yes.
I started to acknowledge a little bit before
when I was preparing to, kind of be in a long-term relationship
that, um...
I can have, like, control issues sometimes.
-[scoffs] -um...
I've really accepted that,
that is an area of growth for me.
I've learned that in this marriage
as I have attempted again to step back
and the energy that that takes for me to zip this thing up
and allow him to do those things
that he does so wonderfully.
So I've learned to, you know, recognize
and to be able to articulate to him
when I want to take something over.
Like my control, when I wanna take it off, I have to say,
"oh, I wanna take that from you right now, oh, I do but...
Do it, okay, just do it."
you know, and I have to verbalize.
We've learnt to have a lot of humor
about our faults.
Before, marriage was a fantasy.
Like, "oh, this would be great to do and to have."
but that, kind of, I'm truly... I've learnt,
like I'm really committed to this thing and to him.
And I can't imagine my life without him.
And I'm not... I'm not willing to let this go.
My prior relationships
were my greatest teacher
coming in to this marriage.
Because... Just because you've had relationships
that don't work,
it doesn't mean that there's something wrong with you
there may just be, perhaps, areas where you need to grow.
So you have a choice when a relationship ends
how you want to handle it.
Whether it can be a painful experience
or powerful lesson in your life.
And repeatedly for me, I chose that
those relationships would be a powerful lesson in my life.
So I learned about service, I learned about selflessness,
I learned about compromise,
I learned about internal happiness
and how it would come from me.
I always tell him, "you met me at the perfect time."
because I had grown and I had evolved so much
and I was ready, willing, and capable
to give the type of love that I wanted to receive from my husband.
My wife, ethel, had a mother and a brother
that had suffered severe, uh, strokes.
So she said to me,
"I don't wanna have a stroke, if I do, then, you know"
-I'm not, I don't--" -"pray me outta here."
-"I don't wanna be--" -that's what she said, "pray me outta here." right?
So, she had a stroke in the midst of everything that was going on.
But she didn't really know that she had.
By that time we had brought
-a hospice situation and everything. -Yeah.
So I said to her, "you're here because of the stroke."
and when I said that, her whole face,
her whole demeanor changed.
She says, "oh, no."
she's like, "I'm outta here."
-but when I came over, she was smiling, okay? -Yeah. Mmm-hmm.
I'm serious, this woman was on morphine,
she had cancer that's spread everywhere,
and she had a stroke, and she was smiling, okay?
And I mean, I was in ministry and I still,
that was, like, way over my head.
And she said, uh,
"oh, that's easy."
she said, "that's easy."
she said, "I've had 39 years with the best man
than any woman..."
no, she said,
"women wish they would have one year
of what I've had for 39 years."
she said, "I've seen my children
and I've seen my grandchildren."
she said, "and now I'm going home.
-Promise me you'll take care of my family." -take care of my family.
"just take care of them for me," you know.
She said, 'cause, you know,
and as soon as she passed, her daughter,
-she just had a complete walking nervous breakdown. -Yeah, she did.
So we talked from time to time until she finally
-began to come out of it. -Mmm-hmm.
So, a year later, it was my birthday.
-Yeah. -Yeah.
A year later it was her birthday and my daughter
that she just mentioned, she said,
"dad, you need to do something nice for miss terri."
I don't know if... If I could ever,
if I could ever be with someone who didn't,
you know, who didn't really run off at the mouth.
You know what I'm saying? Like...
My daughter gave me a list of things.
And on the list was white gold hoop earrings.
And so I said, "I can do that."
you know, I buy jewelry for my wife
all the time, I can do that.
And, boy, what did I do that for?
I bought those white gold earrings
and so now I gotta figure out a way to get them to her, okay?
So my daughter said,
"well, take her to lunch or something."
anyway, I called her, she's in...
-Uh, atlanta. -Atlanta. I was in atlanta.
She was in atlanta,
ministering, preaching somewhere in atlanta.
She said she won't be in town till Monday.
So I said, "okay, I'll pick you up at the airport."
she said, "no, no, no, no, no, I don't need you to pick me up."
she kept going back and forth.
I finally talked her into letting me
pick her up at the airport.
So I picked her up at the airport--
and what you didn't know
is that, that was one of my things.
Being single, 'cause I've been single for 25 years.
I've been a widow and I raised my two daughters
without my husband, he also died of cancer.
And, uh, the only thing that ever bothered me
about being single
was coming back through the airport
and you would see people, like, waiting,
"oh, hey, welcome home! Welcome home."
and I'd always be standing there, you know,
and call a car, you know, and go home.
So he didn't know but when he came to meet me at the airport,
it was like a thing for me, you know,
look at me, somebody's
-picking me up at the airport. -[laughs]
but I didn't say that, I was cool.
So I picked her up at the airport.
-I take her to berkley spa. -And dropped me off.
And I said, "listen, I have a treatment package
for you at berkley.
Go in and take the treatment,
and then call me when you're done."
she says, "oh, oh, oh, okay."
-she says, "all right!" -[laughs]
she goes in berkley and about 30 minutes later
she comes calling me.
She says, "I'm done." I said, "done with what?"
she said, "well, I got a facial."
-I said, "no, no, you gotta--" -I got a massage.
-A 30 minute massage. -Whatever you got. I said, "no, no, you gotta
full package, go back in there--
you gotta go in and use everything that's in that
package, okay?" she said, "really?"
I said, "yeah."
I said, "you better go back in there and use that thing."
-she said, "okay." -I didn't know, okay?
I wasn't a spa person.
[both laugh]
so a couple hours later she calls, she says, "wow!"
[both laugh]
so I pick her up and we go
to get something to eat after that.
-So we went to the restaurant in santa monica. -And then I told you
in that restaurant I said,
"you know what, I'm just gonna be straight with you.
If I don't go on another date for another 20 years
this is the one." okay? [laughs]
I said, "everything would else
have to measure up to this one, okay?"
there's probably not a day that's gone by
that I haven't laughed.
And even in my mad moments, I've still laughed.
[zena laughs]
-I make you happy? -You do.
-[softly] yay! -[laughs]
um, it's just something about her that
never gets old to me.
And...
You know, I could go through a list of things
from... From her beauty...
From her sassy attitude...
To her, you know, her organization skills...
To her style, her way with, with...
With the household, with the kids, with me.
Um...
The way she is about that, the woman that she is
for me, it just, it never gets old to me.
It never, like, you know, she would just,
you know, she would just be walking by
you know, still gotta touch on her or something, just...
-[laughs] -...Grab her butt.
She'll be like, "you're such a pervert."
"I just like it," you know what I mean?
It's just something about it and...
And... And her energy,
um, her spicy energy is... Is fun.
I don't know if... If I could ever...
If I could ever be with someone who didn't,
you know, who didn't really run off at the mouth.
You know what I'm saying? Like...
Who didn't really, like,
-who didn't-- -and tank always says I'm a kid.
He's like, "you're such a kid."
'cause I be joking all the time.
She just be going and she just randomly like, digging my nose.
I'm like, "what are you doing? I wanna sleep!"
-and try to put it in my mouth -I like to play.
I'm like, "what are you doing? You can't do that."
-I'm a grown woman but I like to play. -[laughing]
people laugh all the time 'cause
we play video games together, like...
When he met me, I was playing halo
and doing all these things
and he was like, "you play halo?"
-yeah I play halo, I play halo. -It's very sexy by the way.
-He would be at practice-- -just wanted to say.
And he'd come home and I'd be like,
"get some!" like, yelling at
-some six-year-old on the-- -she'd be online
-with the headset on... -[laughs]
controller in her hand,
like, annihilating these
people online and I'm like...
-"this is sexy!" I'm like... -[laughs]
this is... This a whole another level of--
but that's what, you have to find something in common because...
I'm so aroused right now.
If I didn't like video games and he liked video games
as much as we play together, if he was just doing that
by himself, I would be so annoyed.
I needed someone
-who can roll with me. -Yeah.
Whatever that is for anybody.
-Whatever that means to you in your relationship. -Yeah.
You need somebody who can roll with you.
And vice versa.
Communication is very important.
However, you can't go
-and force it, right? -Mmm-mmm.
-"no, we gonna talk, we gonna talk, now!" -mmm-mmm.
Or "we gonna talk in this environment."
-or "we gonna talk under these circumstances." -the old me.
I would have to say the key to our marriage
is communication.
-Period. No cliche. -Open communication, all the time.
And he might get irritated with me
'cause I like to communicate a lot.
[laughs]
but I really feel like that's how we've made it this far.
That's how we've made it 20 years.
-Yeah. -Between friendship
and being together and breaking up
and being back together and marriage and kids.
It's always been communication.
-Yeah. We like, we-- -I'mma talk... I like to talk things out.
-Oh yeah. She, she-- -he be so irritated.
Yeah, she doesn't... She do like
eighty sets of jaw lifts.
-[both laugh] -shut up.
Oh, she gonna talk.
[both laugh]
um...
And I think, you know, us learning each other
in that... In that space of communication like,
she has to communicate now.
-She gotta get it out now. -Yeah, I can't wait.
If something bothers me, I gotta say it.
She gotta get it off her chest.
You know what I mean? And depending on what it is,
what type of situation it is,
-for me-- -that is one thing that I have
learnt in marriage, I will say that
I'm trying to get better about that.
Yeah, I like to--
-is that a "yeah, I am" or... -Yeah, you are. Um...
-I remember one particular time that we disagreed... -Yeah.
[clears throat]
and I think this was earlier in our relationship.
We had a big argument and he left.
I was like, "oh no, you're not gonna leave this argument.
-We gonna talk this out." -[laughs]
-I followed him two blocks... -[laughs]
and he called my mother.
-I called her mom. -He called my mom!
"can you tell your daughter
-to go back in the house?" -[laughs]
we in the street, okay, mind you and I'm--
"you bring your butt--" you know, I just was like,
and my mom said,
he handed the phone to me and my mom said,
"led, go home."
and then all of a sudden, this big,
I just felt, I felt like a big pain,
like my heart was breaking.
And I said, "but he... He may not come back."
mmm.
And he turned around and he heard it
and I just start crying.
I'm getting emotional, jesus.
And my mom said,
"led, go, just go home."
and he looked at me, like... It's like he...
Something clicked for him, and he said,
he said,
"I'm gonna come back, I just need a minute."
so I said, "okay, I'mma go back home."
but I was still mad, but I'm just saying
when he said, "I'm gonna come back."
that's when I was like, okay, that...
We can disagree, it's okay to disagree...
-Why am I bawling? -Want me to get you a tissue?
It's okay to disagree
and it won't break us.
-You know, we can... -Mmm-hmm.
I can be different and not agree with him
and it won't end this.
So that was... That was a learning moment for me
-and, where I... I didn't have to change... -Yeah.
...Myself to be in a relationship with someone.
We are definitely a open book.
In this house, everything is open.
-Yeah. -You know, I like it to be that way.
I want no surprises.
Like... Let's talk about it,
how we feeling.
But I know my husband and, like, he knows me.
If he get too quiet, I know he ain't settled with something.
But now I know to wait
-for him to talk about it. -That is like
the blessing in all of this.
Like learning how to
be patient, like,
because you hear a lot of times when they say,
"what is the key to a successful marriage?"
and the first thing, "communication."
-it's the patience to communicate. -But it's... Yeah!
-It is... Yeah... -[laughs]
communication is very important.
However, you can't go
-and force it, right? -Mmm-mmm.
-"now, we gonna talk, we gonna talk, now!" -mmm-mmm.
Or "we gonna talk in this environment."
-or "we gonna talk under these circumstances." -the old me.
-Yeah. -I think that that is a very
important part that we often times leave out.
You can say and do things that you can't come back from.
You know what I mean? And...
She goes to such a hot place,
we both can't be hot at the same time.
You know what I'm saying? We have to-- there has to be
this, you know what I'm saying?
And then maybe at some point I can get a little bit
down here, maybe?
But you know, um,
we're learning that, and she's becoming more,
um...
Um, more understanding and letting me just have
just a little space
to gather my thoughts.
You know what I mean? And gather my words
and then she's becoming better about
not just blurting her words out.
-Which are very-- -very what?
-Aggressive. -[both laugh]
-but it comes from a good place. -Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
-[laughs] -yeah, yeah.
It comes from the heart.
-I got a smart mouth. That's the problem. -[both laughing]
usually I go on, what I called a "thought path"
that I walk out
and it's usually the same route.
I'll walk around the corner, go here, go there
and thinking.
And a lot of times I'm out there
saying all the stuff that I can't say to you.
[both laugh]
that's why I can't have her following me.
That's what he was explaining, "I need that time."
so I need to go say all of these things
out loud or think it through
and then I say, "you know, I'm glad I didn't say this.
This was kinda wrong that I did do this.
Maybe I overreacted on that."
and then I can come back to her
without me just going, you know, you're just
going off the rails and no one gets hurt.
So, I'm more of that, you know,
I sit back and try to do that.
Then once she got that, she'll let me do that.
And it's usually one of us
-texting each other, like... -Yeah.
And that's when you know... "hey, you hungry?"
-[both laugh] -everyone laughs at us.
I'm like-- [growls]
-you hungry? You want something to eat? -You hungry? We do that
"I just made this, I just had..."
and that's... That was how, um...
-We were learning how to... -...Growing in the marriage.
-Marriage. -And in the relationship.
She'll tell you right now, whenever we get into
a discussion, a debate or...
-A argument. -A argument.
-[both laugh] -okay. Okay.
She'll tell you, I'm like a water off a duck's back.
I don't let it stick with me.
Okay. And... Whenever there's a...
Like if we were planning to do something earlier
and an argument, some come up,
after it's over, I say,
"okay, baby, I'm sorry. Let's go do whatever, whatever.
Okay, let's go to the movie."
and I go with him, I don't hold grudges either.
-That has been our saving grace. -Yeah.
You know what, we can have a knockdown drag out,
you know, you can hear us down the street, okay?
And afterwards, "okay, we still going to the movies?"
-I say, "yeah, I've been dying to see that picture." -yeah.
-You know, like, you know. We know... -Like, it's over.
It's always over.
We let it go because
-I'm just too old to be, you know... -Yeah.
...Spending my time being mad at somebody.
It takes too much energy!
-So it does. -Yeah. Yeah.
"I don't know what you talking about. You're fine looking."
-that's right. -[both laugh]
-yeah. Yeah. -She's my sweet-tea, huh.
We can't connect as a couple
-if there's a baby in between us. -Oh, I could have
but you didn't wanna connect as a couple.
-I cannot connect as a couple. -[laughing] I was...
I was ready to connect.
-If there is a baby in the bed with us. -[both laugh]
when you reach a certain age,
that you're not going to get married.
-You're not going to find romance. -Yeah.
You're not going to have...
-And I'm a witness, okay, to the universe. -Yeah.
-That I was 61 and you were 60? -I was 60, I was 60. Yeah.
-About to be 61. -Okay.
And... It was like I was 19.
Okay. Even our sex life was like,
kids, okay.
-It was good, it was good. -It was... Let me tell you,
it was nothing like...
-You know, whenever you talk about god redeeming the time. -Yeah.
Okay, that you know, you think, well, you know,
if I get... Get to this age and I can make...
The only thing that, that I would say,
if you were marrying later in life is that,
you're not, you know...
-Hey, at a certain point you're not going to have kids. -Right. Right.
Oh, thank god... We're done.
[laughing] thank god, we're done.
You know.
We can't do what we was doing, we're 70.
-Have kids y'all, okay. -Right.
We're big on prioritizing couple time and people...
We did not let our son take over our life.
He is a part of our life that we love and adore
but he is not the whole... Kit and caboodle.
We transitioned him into his own bed.
So, that to me, was a big part of it.
I was like, we can't connect as a couple if there was a baby in between us.
Oh, I could have, but you didn't want to connect as a couple.
-I cannot connect as a couple. -[laughs]
I was... I was ready to connect. [laughs]
-if there was a baby in the bed with us. -[both laugh]
so... That, that was my thing.
I'm like, we need to create boundaries between our child and us.
And he is now two-and-a-half.
And he knows that's mommy and daddy's room and this is my room.
And I sleep here and they sleep there. Um...
And we go on vacations, we utilize our help.
-Um... So we prioritize us. -Yeah. We date, we date.
Cj is like a part of our life in a way that
I don't feel like I'm not dating you if he is there like, it's just like,
have that family time. I could be just as...
I want to go crazy. I'll be just as turned on with you
half-naked as you are when you're just holding your son,
looking at this woman because I was like,
"that's my wife. Girl, you look good."
you know what I'm saying? So, I was like, it...
-It kind of just all works together. -Mmm-hmm.
There are things that they see.
You know like, we kiss.
They're disgusted by it now.
-[chuckling] -but later on, they're...
They're gonna know if they're in a relationship like,
"oh, this dude doesn't want to even kiss me
or he doesn't want to hold my hand."
we've never stopped kissing. We've never stopped holding hands.
And, um... We're very respectful.
We don't curse at each other.
And I... I try and model it more than I try to...
Come on, I mean, I used to curse you out back in the day. I don't do that anymore.
-Yeah, we'll see. -I do not.
-You don't know what I was laughing at. -Oh, okay. Let's see.
-[laughs] -staying in. Um...
But I do try and model the behavior. I don't talk
as much about it as he does.
You know, I think, that's like mother-father thing.
But I do, um...
I model... I try to model the behavior and they also see,
you know, our little disagreements and that we've,
you know, get past them and work them out.
Um... And sometimes they don't even know that it happened. They saw
the disagreement. And then suddenly like,
we are on the couch watching a movie, holding hands.
And they're like, "wait a minute, they were just like
not having a good time."
but...
You know, they see it.
I've had the conversation indirectly like, with my girl.
I said, listen,
"don't look for nobody to do what you do for you like I do for you.
But what you should look for
is you... You've... You see the way I treat your mother?
Look for somebody to respect you."
I told her, I said, "you're not going to... Nobody...
You'll never find a better lover better than I do."
-I said that to you. -Well, you know, I said it back.
You know, um...
It'll, you know, it'll only be different.
But it doesn't get better than this.
But you know, uh...
It's just, you know, mutual respect is...Monstrous.
It's... It's, it's essential.
I was like, "what's going on, babe?" and she was like,
"you know, I just want someone else on me."
[laughs]
-and I was like, uh... -It had been...
I'm driving. I'm like...
He was like, "what?"
I'll tell you, we had a moment, we were driving.
And she was like, ugh...
And I was like, "what's going on, babe?" and she was like,
"you know, I just want someone else on me."
[laughs]
-and I was like, uh... -It had been...
I'm driving. I'm like...
He was like, "what?"
what? Excuse me.
I was like, "what do you mean, you just want
-somebody else on--" -you know,
it looked, she was in her own world. She was just like--
I was just staring out the window
and I didn't mean exactly that.
What I meant was,
we had been in a relationship for...
-A long time. -Probably ten years by then.
-No, it was like, seven years. -May be seven...
Seven-year itch. You know what they say. And...
You know, I had missed, like, you miss when you get married
that moment that you guys meet for the first time
and he walks you to your door and you're like, "oh, are we gonna...
Is it gonna be a thing? Is it not gonna be?"
the butterflies, all those things when you're dating people.
The spontaneity, all those little things.
And, I had just gotten to a point
where I was like, "oh, I'm never
gonna have a first kiss again with someone.
I'm never gonna get that like, anxious feeling again
when you're first dating someone and you don't know where it's going."
and it was more like a realization of all of that stuff
and I was like, "oh, god, I'm going to have to let that go, like,
those butterfly feelings."
and you have butterflies when you're are married for a long time but it's just--
-they're different butterfly. -It's different, it's different.
They're not real butterflies. They--
they're like moths. They're like moths.
They don't, they don't got pretty colors no more,
-they just beige. -They are those grey ones, that like,
flutter towards the light and--
they just beige and maybe got a hole in the wing.
[laughs]
-it is like-- -they're still in there though.
But, yeah, it's just different.
You evolve into this different type of relationship
when you've been with someone for so long.
And, you know, you do everything you can to keep
the spark alive and you do.
And our relationship is amazing, like, we're great.
But you just have those moments every while when you're like...
-It flows. -It's you face again.
It's your face, again.
I hope that other couples can talk about the stuff we talk about,
-we talk about everything. -Everything.
-[laughs] -I'll be like, "hey, man,
you could give me a heads up?"
-I'll be like banging it. I got to-- -that's pretty graphic.
-[laughing] -like, like, you know, but...
After... After being disgusted or, you know,
whatever... You know, whatever it is you're talking about.
You kind of laugh at it and be like, I'm glad that we're able...
-To do this. -We're truly able to have this kind of conversation without,
um... Feeling like it ain't sexy, it ain't popular.
-I don't care about that. -It ain't...
You know, when you walk away from you partner, you feel like,
"hey, we really just had this conversation, is she still..."
you kinda looking for signs, like, "she's still..."
like, I just told her, that's a great feeling.
It really is. It's really a great feeling,
and I recommend it for every couple.
Because when you can really talk about anything.
-But you do have to get to that place, right? -Yeah.
But I think the best way to get there is to go in
completely, know who you are,
being free.
People always say,
-"I want to marry my best friend." -yeah.
They always say that, "oh, I hope I can find someone.
I want to marry my best friend."
but they don't talk to their spouse or their significant other.
They don't treat them like their best friend.
Like they're their best friend.
You can tell your best friend
"dang, I saw a girl in the mall, man,
I almost jumped on her back."
-[laughing] -right? Or, you know,
-girl-- -which he would tell me.
He will be riding in the car and he'd be like, "hey, hey, hey,
I need you to take your wife hat off
and put your best friend hat on please.
Because, there was some yoga pants in the gym today." and I'll be like...
-"let me have it." -it's like yoga palooza happening. I'm like--
-[laughs] let me have it. -I'm on the treadmill like,
-"oh, lord, this is been a whole row of..." -[laughing]
-lululemon's in... -[laughs] lululemon's.
Right, but look...
The fact that we can have those-- I'm not trying to be disrespectful to her.
No, and he's never been disrespectful.
Right. And I'm not trying to create an environment
where I don't value her
as my wife and as a woman.
But, I want to be able to talk to her about urges.
I want her to be able to talk to me about urges
-because they exist. -They absolutely do, yeah.
If you think, that your significant other
doesn't have urges...
-You're tripping. -[laughing]
and ignoring them...
Just builds them and builds them and builds them.
If you don't create this environment where you can be open and honest
-with your spouse. -It's gonna manifest itself some other way.
It will manifest itself, because it...
Because really what you realize happens is
like, the moment I had that conversation with him, I was like, "oh,
I feel better now that I got to talk to you about that."
-think about that. Right? -And we got to have a back and forth about it.
And not only that but it opens the door to like, "okay,
well, what can we do to,
like, manifest that in our relationship?"
he won't know that unless I say something and so you start to do like,
"okay, if that's the case, we're gonna have to go on more date nights"
or we're gonna have to do more of this or
he would just... I'd be home and he'd show up with his suit on and be like,
"get dressed. We're going on a date." I'll be like, "oh, okay."
when we went counselling and I'm like,
"well, why do we have to go to counselling
because you've been married and all this things.
You know how to be married, you know?"
-he said, "yeah, but I wasn't married to you." -I wasn't married to you.
-[laughs] -but, this is not about being married to you,
-so-- -that we're going to get counselling.
-Okay. -Yeah. So, we got pre-marital counselling.
And one thing he said. He said, "if you want this...
-Go ahead. -...Marriage to survive..."
he said, "you guys better pray together everyday."
and we started right then and there, and we continue it,
-we still do it, to this very day. -To this very day.
Before we ever even got married,
I said, "listen, I need you to know one thing, before we get married.
I'm a married to death kind of guy, okay?
I'm in this to death.
So, if you don't want to be in it to death with me,
-let's not do this. Okay?" -mmm-hmm.
So every time she would throw them in on the way out the door I'd say,
"well, when you pack a bag for you, pack one for me, too. Okay?
'cause where ever we're going, baby, we're going to be together. Okay?"
I grew up in a very much so affectionate family, right?
We hug every time we see each other, right.
He never had that.
Like, I would hug him, you know, everyday.
He'll be like, "why, why... Why are we hugging?"
like, you know, or saying I love you
to my parents, to my mom, to my dad.
He feels like, "why y'all do that all the time? This is weird," like--
I was like, "no, that's just how we... You know, we are."
I had to get to a place where I understood
he didn't grow up the same way.
So he doesn't know
what I know, right?
And I had to understand that
just because he doesn't know, it doesn't make him wrong.
It's just, I want to introduce it to him.
And so, sometime I would really try to force it on him.
-[laughs] -um... And then I had to realize,
oh, it ain't going to work. Forcing ain't going to work.
So let me gently expose him to love.
And then he got to a place where he wanted to hug
-and I was like, "get off me. What are you doing?" -yeah, yeah.
He had turned me into...
'cause I had tried my best to do what I thought he needed.
And I had turned off this side of me.
And so when he was ready for it. I didn't want it.
I was like, "what... What are you doing?"
-yeah. -He was like,
"you used to always want to hug."
I was like, "yeah, but you didn't like that so I did turn that part off, bro.
-Back off, decide, like, what you want?" -[both laughing]
but now, thank god we... You know,
we came out of that curve into the straighter way.
And now we both like to,
-to hug and stuff. -And now I'm like, "hey. Hey, come over here."
-yeah, I'll be on the couch. -"oh, no, not today.
I need you, I want to lay right here in your lap.
All I need is 30 minutes right here.
Babe, put your legs right here."
when I met him, he was always
-the bbd. That's what he calls himself. -The bbd.
I'm just the bigger better deal, like, you're never going to find anyone
that's going to offer you,
as a spouse, as a man, what I can offer you.
-I know that. -And that was from day... That was from day one.
And to be quite honest,
he is right. Like, he is 100% right.
Which is why I knew I can have that conversation with him.
So I think, probably, when I said that to him,
or when I said it out loud,
I didn't really have a fear that he would,
like, fly off the handle or anything like that.
-A, 'cause he is-- -what did you mean?
'cause he is confident enough in himself.
Like, that's what a real relationship is. Like, people say it all the time.
But a real relationship is
being able to be 100% of yourself
all the time, every single day and still...
And the other person being the same
and you guys are still on the same place.
Like, if you're only bringing 20% of yourself to the table,
and then you guys go however many years you go
and then the other ten starts to slip out and then
a 15% after that, then now you are a different person.
That's not who that person married.
So, I think from the beginning
I was 100% myself.
Probably to a fault, like, where I was like,
you're good, I'm not, like, I'm not trying to...
And he was 100% himself and there was...
There was no, like, little side things coming in
throughout the 17 years we've been together.
A lot of people think that,
love and marriage is about romance and kicking it together and having...
But it's really purpose in it.
When god brings certain people together, you know,
and you know you know you're not dancing around,
well, maybe I don't know...
But when you know you know,
there is a purpose behind it. And we can see that ours wasn't just about,
-"oh, I love you." -oh, but I do.
-Yeah, I know, but it was really... -[laughing]
-you know, there was a god purpose in it. -Right.
-Especially for our children. -Yes.
And their marriages, 'cause all of our children are married.
-Praise god. -Parise god.
-I pray that they all stay married. -Oh, lord.
-Please let them stay married. -Praise the lord.
-For the sake of our grandchildren especially. -Yes.
But we're always leaving foot prints for them,
you know, like, "how do we get through this one, how do we..."
you know, how, you know, we see them
going on the wrong track, we'll sit them down
and have a come to jesus meeting with them,
-okay, you know. -Oh, yeah.
-They may not like it but it helps us. -Yeah.
Marriage has taught me to listen.
Um... And patience.
And...I can't have everything my way.
Because I used to listen to react.
Right. When I was young, 'cause we was all young together.
I want to get my two cent in.
But now, after years and years,
I listen sometimes not to react at all,
but just to be able to know how to love him.
Uh, be able to give him what he needs.
So, it has definitely taught me that listening has power.
And it helps me be a better woman and wife.
-So... Yeah. -Marriage has taught me,
that god is real.
I wasn't raised in a church.
Like, I told you, I don't really have...
I didn't really have a lot of knowledge about marriage.
Um...But...
Through... If I... In reflecting on our
marriage and now where we are sitting here with you,
god has to be real.
He has to be real.
I hadn't even thought about some of the arguments
and some of the words, like,
harsh and, like, flat out
mean things that we had said and done to each other,
in a long time, right.
And when you're going through that stuff, you're only thinking about that moment.
And the fact that right now we are here
telling our story. Um...
And me know... I know me better than anybody.
And I'm just thinking about the things that,
the little knowledge in almost every category that I had.
And I'm not pro, I can't tell you a scripture out of the bible.
I can't tell you nothing. But I can tell you
that it's the only the grace of god
that we are sitting here,
that we are able to love each other,
able to have certain conversations.
And I hope, it inspires somebody who watches this and see this,
um, that that ain't nobody but god.
That's what marriage has taught me about myself.
[both laughing]
absolutely.
♪ I really love you ♪
♪ let's do this for a lifetime ♪
♪ a lifetime ♪
♪ so tell me baby, baby baby, baby ♪
♪ will you love me, love me, love me, love me ♪
♪ forever, forever and always ♪
♪ yeah ♪
♪ baby, baby, baby, baby ♪
♪ will you love me, love me, love me, love me ♪
♪ forever, forever and always ♪
[vocalizing]
♪ I found myself in the deep of the night ♪
♪ dreaming days where we take on the ocean ♪
♪ and rivers wide ♪
♪ I see you paint in the sky you and I ♪
♪ and we are flyin' away so high ♪
♪ whether life send us up to the mountain ♪
♪ or down through the roughest valley ♪
♪ I want to do it with you, always ♪
♪ yes, I do, yes, I do ♪
♪ baby, baby, baby, baby ♪
♪ love me, love me, love me, love me ♪
♪ forever, forever and always ♪
♪ just let me know you rockin' with me ♪
♪ baby, baby, baby, baby ♪
♪ will you love me, love me, love me, love me ♪
♪ forever, forever and always ♪
♪ just tell me baby, baby, baby, baby ♪
♪ will you love me, love me, love me, love me ♪
♪ I want to know I need to know ♪
♪ yeah ♪
♪ I wanna love you forever and ever ♪
♪ tell me baby, baby, baby, baby ♪
♪ will you love me, love me, love me, love me ♪
♪ forever, forever and always ♪
[vocalizing]
♪ baby, baby, baby, baby ♪
♪ will you love me, love me, love me, love me ♪
♪ forever and always ♪