1
00:00:01,335 --> 00:00:02,835
In our relationship.
2
00:00:03,104 --> 00:00:03,936
That is,
3
00:00:05,339 --> 00:00:06,839
it is...
4
00:00:06,874 --> 00:00:08,807
Honey, it ain't
picture perfect.
5
00:00:08,843 --> 00:00:09,708
Mm-hmm.
6
00:00:09,744 --> 00:00:10,743
This moment,
people would be like,
7
00:00:10,778 --> 00:00:13,379
"ooh, y'all go." I'm like,
"you don't know
8
00:00:13,414 --> 00:00:14,913
what we went through
to get to this moment."
9
00:00:14,949 --> 00:00:15,848
-right?
-Mm-hmm.
10
00:00:15,883 --> 00:00:18,517
Um, and I don't wish it
on nobody.
11
00:00:18,552 --> 00:00:19,585
You know.
12
00:00:19,620 --> 00:00:21,820
The end result, yeah,
the love, you know,
13
00:00:21,856 --> 00:00:23,589
but everything
we went through,
14
00:00:23,624 --> 00:00:25,524
I don't want my kids
to have to go through
15
00:00:25,559 --> 00:00:26,592
as much
as we went through.
16
00:00:26,627 --> 00:00:28,160
I want them
to go though things,
17
00:00:28,195 --> 00:00:30,062
I want them
to have a relationship
18
00:00:30,097 --> 00:00:31,163
that challenges them,
19
00:00:31,198 --> 00:00:32,731
because it builds
the relationship,
20
00:00:32,767 --> 00:00:33,999
makes it strong.
21
00:00:34,035 --> 00:00:35,334
But some of the things
that we went through
22
00:00:35,369 --> 00:00:36,668
at the age
we went through,
23
00:00:36,704 --> 00:00:39,204
no, I want my kids
to be able to go
live your life,
24
00:00:39,240 --> 00:00:40,205
you know,
have fun,
25
00:00:40,241 --> 00:00:41,340
figure out
who you are.
26
00:00:41,375 --> 00:00:42,241
Mm-hmm.
27
00:00:42,276 --> 00:00:43,876
And then,
find your life partner.
28
00:00:43,911 --> 00:00:45,511
They're puzzles,
people.
29
00:00:45,546 --> 00:00:47,980
When we say that,
"are you saying
you have regrets?"
30
00:00:48,282 --> 00:00:49,248
no.
31
00:00:49,283 --> 00:00:51,550
-No...
-We did it,
so they don't have to.
32
00:00:51,585 --> 00:00:52,451
Yeah.
33
00:00:52,486 --> 00:00:53,719
[theme music playing]
34
00:00:57,558 --> 00:00:58,390
[inaudible]
35
00:01:23,751 --> 00:01:27,252
we got married in 2003
in greensboro.
36
00:01:27,288 --> 00:01:30,622
Uh, and then in 2004,
we moved to los angeles.
37
00:01:30,658 --> 00:01:33,358
So we were only married,
you know, for a year,
38
00:01:33,961 --> 00:01:35,394
before we moved.
39
00:01:35,429 --> 00:01:37,596
I mean, we'd been together
for six years.
40
00:01:37,631 --> 00:01:39,064
As soon
as we moved,
41
00:01:39,100 --> 00:01:41,834
uh, my mom got sick
back in north carolina.
42
00:01:41,869 --> 00:01:43,602
And I had to go
back and forth
43
00:01:43,637 --> 00:01:46,572
for the next three years
until my mom passed away.
44
00:01:46,607 --> 00:01:50,008
And he was in
the police academy
45
00:01:50,044 --> 00:01:51,810
at the same time.
46
00:01:51,846 --> 00:01:53,412
And we weren't,
you know,
47
00:01:53,447 --> 00:01:55,347
seeing eye to eye
on anything.
48
00:01:55,382 --> 00:01:57,649
And that was our first,
you know,
49
00:01:57,685 --> 00:01:58,817
couple of years
of marriage.
50
00:01:59,520 --> 00:02:01,153
And I think that,
51
00:02:01,188 --> 00:02:02,454
and I often
think this,
52
00:02:02,490 --> 00:02:04,790
if we had
still been home,
in north carolina,
53
00:02:04,825 --> 00:02:06,024
we may not
have made it.
54
00:02:06,060 --> 00:02:07,159
We had to
figure it out.
55
00:02:07,194 --> 00:02:08,594
You were forced
to have conversations...
56
00:02:08,629 --> 00:02:10,462
-Yeah, we had to talk.
-Forced to go through things
57
00:02:10,498 --> 00:02:11,363
-with your mom.
-Yeah.
58
00:02:11,398 --> 00:02:13,332
You can't get upset
and blow up,
59
00:02:13,367 --> 00:02:15,134
"I'ma go
to my mama house."
60
00:02:15,169 --> 00:02:16,034
there's nowhere
to run.
61
00:02:16,070 --> 00:02:17,302
There's nowhere
to run.
62
00:02:17,338 --> 00:02:18,670
Better go on
to the porch out there.
63
00:02:18,706 --> 00:02:19,872
You ain't...
You in la.
64
00:02:19,907 --> 00:02:21,840
-You ain't got
no family here.
-Go walk on crenshaw.
65
00:02:23,410 --> 00:02:24,977
You better
walk over the hill
66
00:02:25,012 --> 00:02:26,712
-upto the mountains
up there.
-Yeah.
67
00:02:26,747 --> 00:02:28,647
-Yeah.
-And come on back.
68
00:02:28,682 --> 00:02:31,450
It takes a while,
it took a while for me,
69
00:02:31,485 --> 00:02:32,885
to learn
how to be married.
70
00:02:32,920 --> 00:02:36,455
And feel good
about it, you know.
71
00:02:36,490 --> 00:02:39,725
Uh, my first marriage
was, you know...
72
00:02:39,760 --> 00:02:41,627
All of them
start out well.
73
00:02:41,662 --> 00:02:43,028
Um, but,
you know,
74
00:02:44,698 --> 00:02:47,332
my mother used to say,
"'I love you' don't mean
'come live with me.'"
75
00:02:48,369 --> 00:02:49,535
so,
76
00:02:49,570 --> 00:02:51,336
when out of it,
I was, like, "okay.
77
00:02:52,740 --> 00:02:53,572
What is this?"
78
00:02:54,241 --> 00:02:55,240
you know. Um...
79
00:02:56,510 --> 00:02:58,877
And I, you know,
but I always knew,
80
00:03:00,080 --> 00:03:02,347
she was
the marrying kind.
81
00:03:02,383 --> 00:03:04,716
Even though, one of
the first things
she said to me
82
00:03:04,752 --> 00:03:06,018
was, "I don't
want to get married."
83
00:03:06,053 --> 00:03:08,921
I'm like, "hey, been there,
done that, I'm cool."
84
00:03:09,857 --> 00:03:11,690
you know. Uh...
85
00:03:11,725 --> 00:03:13,492
And I remember
the day...
86
00:03:13,527 --> 00:03:15,527
We'd been dating
about two years,
87
00:03:15,563 --> 00:03:17,229
and she said,
88
00:03:17,264 --> 00:03:19,231
"I want to get married
and I want to have babies."
89
00:03:19,266 --> 00:03:21,733
and in my mind,
I was like, "no, no, no.
90
00:03:21,769 --> 00:03:22,868
That was not
the agreement
91
00:03:22,903 --> 00:03:24,002
you did not
say that."
92
00:03:24,038 --> 00:03:25,170
and I really,
I thought
93
00:03:25,206 --> 00:03:27,439
I should really give her
the business about it.
94
00:03:27,474 --> 00:03:30,576
But she was so...
She was so serious...
95
00:03:30,611 --> 00:03:31,743
I had been
thinking about it.
96
00:03:31,779 --> 00:03:32,911
...That I, uh,
97
00:03:34,048 --> 00:03:35,414
I realized,
98
00:03:35,449 --> 00:03:37,049
it was one of the few times
in my life
99
00:03:37,084 --> 00:03:39,718
that I realized
that was not the joke
to tell at that time.
100
00:03:40,721 --> 00:03:41,753
You know, so,
101
00:03:42,389 --> 00:03:44,189
uh, I said okay.
102
00:03:44,225 --> 00:03:48,093
Okay, so we met
17 years ago,
103
00:03:48,128 --> 00:03:50,963
uh, I was dancing
for beyonce at the time,
104
00:03:50,998 --> 00:03:53,398
and it was right when
she stepped away
105
00:03:53,434 --> 00:03:54,633
from destiny's child.
106
00:03:54,668 --> 00:03:56,568
I had a career
and a life
107
00:03:56,604 --> 00:03:58,604
and all of these things
before I met him,
108
00:03:58,639 --> 00:04:00,539
especially married
to an athlete,
109
00:04:00,574 --> 00:04:03,308
I found a lot,
once I wasn't gone,
110
00:04:03,344 --> 00:04:05,577
I was home
and I was going
to all the games,
111
00:04:05,613 --> 00:04:07,813
the value that
people had for me
112
00:04:07,848 --> 00:04:10,215
was not the same
that people had for him.
113
00:04:10,251 --> 00:04:12,384
Like, they assumed
that I had this...
114
00:04:12,419 --> 00:04:14,786
I was so lucky
to be married to an athlete
115
00:04:14,822 --> 00:04:16,121
which was
so far away
116
00:04:16,156 --> 00:04:17,723
from who I was
as a human being,
117
00:04:17,758 --> 00:04:20,158
that when people
approached me that way, like,
118
00:04:20,194 --> 00:04:21,426
they wouldn't even
call me my name,
119
00:04:21,462 --> 00:04:23,328
they would call me
ephraim's wife.
120
00:04:23,364 --> 00:04:25,297
And I'd be, like,
"I have a name."
121
00:04:25,332 --> 00:04:27,766
-yeah.
-And so, there was a whole
part of our relationship
122
00:04:27,801 --> 00:04:31,136
where I had to learn how
to gain my independence back,
123
00:04:31,171 --> 00:04:33,505
without the independence
that I had
124
00:04:34,208 --> 00:04:36,575
uh, worked
so hard for.
125
00:04:36,610 --> 00:04:38,176
What I connected to
as independence,
126
00:04:38,212 --> 00:04:40,612
as far as my career
and things like that
are concerned.
127
00:04:40,648 --> 00:04:42,247
And that was
very difficult.
128
00:04:42,283 --> 00:04:44,416
And I would
take it out on him a lot.
129
00:04:44,451 --> 00:04:46,418
I was resentful
a little bit in the beginning.
130
00:04:46,453 --> 00:04:48,086
Like, "oh, I quit
my career for you.
131
00:04:48,122 --> 00:04:50,289
And now my name
is 'ephraim's wife.'"
132
00:04:50,324 --> 00:04:52,824
my dream of becoming
a professional wrestler
133
00:04:52,860 --> 00:04:54,793
was always
in the back of my head,
134
00:04:54,828 --> 00:04:57,029
but my mom was
in a sense, she was like,
135
00:04:57,064 --> 00:04:58,230
"get your education first."
136
00:04:58,866 --> 00:05:00,165
and if it comes
137
00:05:01,568 --> 00:05:03,869
after, then you can
follow that. And...
138
00:05:03,904 --> 00:05:07,406
But he didn't tell me
all of that when we met,
139
00:05:09,076 --> 00:05:11,476
he had gotten
into law school.
140
00:05:11,512 --> 00:05:14,313
-Took the lsat.
-He took the lsats,
141
00:05:14,348 --> 00:05:16,148
-got into law school...
-Got into a couple
of law schools...
142
00:05:16,183 --> 00:05:18,884
-Couple of good ones.
-...And focused on wrestling.
143
00:05:18,919 --> 00:05:21,386
After, I was like,
okay, he's not gonna
go to law school,
144
00:05:21,422 --> 00:05:24,323
I was like, "okay,
you wanna wrestle,
you gotta wrestle."
145
00:05:24,358 --> 00:05:28,794
-yeah.
-No more backyard
random show wrestling.
146
00:05:28,829 --> 00:05:31,530
-Regular show.
-And so, that's when, like,
147
00:05:31,565 --> 00:05:33,665
we were, like,
focused on, you know,
148
00:05:33,701 --> 00:05:35,000
going to wwe.
149
00:05:35,035 --> 00:05:39,004
Marriage is a constant
negotiation.
150
00:05:40,574 --> 00:05:43,575
You know, and everyday.
I mean, you know, and I...
151
00:05:43,610 --> 00:05:46,712
Now we have two girls
at home,
152
00:05:46,747 --> 00:05:48,380
so I live
with three women.
153
00:05:48,415 --> 00:05:50,816
That's a challenge for me,
because he puts me
154
00:05:50,851 --> 00:05:52,918
in the juggle of the children.
155
00:05:52,953 --> 00:05:54,419
-What?
-You do.
156
00:05:54,455 --> 00:05:57,389
He'll say,
"um, you girls."
157
00:05:58,859 --> 00:06:00,759
right? Come on.
158
00:06:00,794 --> 00:06:02,861
I'm like, "I'm not
one of the girls.
159
00:06:02,896 --> 00:06:05,997
I am the mother,
and the wife. Not the girls."
160
00:06:06,033 --> 00:06:08,734
I mean, but
our biggest challenges
161
00:06:08,769 --> 00:06:11,536
have been re-entry.
162
00:06:11,572 --> 00:06:15,340
Because he's gone
for really long times.
163
00:06:15,376 --> 00:06:17,576
When we first
got married,
164
00:06:17,611 --> 00:06:20,946
we had
a two week rule.
165
00:06:20,981 --> 00:06:22,948
You can only be gone
for two weeks,
166
00:06:22,983 --> 00:06:24,783
and then we have
to figure out how
167
00:06:24,818 --> 00:06:27,085
to get to you,
or you can get to us,
168
00:06:27,121 --> 00:06:29,654
but two weeks
is all I can take.
169
00:06:30,090 --> 00:06:32,624
Um, but...
170
00:06:32,659 --> 00:06:34,059
-You...
-Life's not like that.
171
00:06:34,094 --> 00:06:37,129
Yeah, it really has not
worked out like that.
172
00:06:37,164 --> 00:06:38,764
We had this thing
where no matter what,
173
00:06:38,799 --> 00:06:40,699
I was always
at the first home game.
174
00:06:40,734 --> 00:06:43,068
Which doesn't even
make sense.
175
00:06:43,103 --> 00:06:45,103
It does. When you're
building your relationship
176
00:06:45,139 --> 00:06:46,271
you have those things
like that.
177
00:06:46,306 --> 00:06:47,939
Your little traditions
that you create.
178
00:06:47,975 --> 00:06:50,609
And I was on tour
with rihanna at the time,
179
00:06:50,644 --> 00:06:53,745
and I tried to make it back
to his first home game,
180
00:06:53,781 --> 00:06:54,713
and I couldn't.
181
00:06:54,748 --> 00:06:56,615
Like, I was, like,
182
00:06:56,650 --> 00:06:58,250
five hours late.
183
00:06:58,285 --> 00:06:59,651
We used to have this thing
when he played,
184
00:06:59,686 --> 00:07:01,486
I would always be there
when they were practicing
185
00:07:01,522 --> 00:07:02,888
on the field
for the first home game,
186
00:07:02,923 --> 00:07:04,089
we'd see each other,
we'd give each other
187
00:07:04,124 --> 00:07:05,056
our little thing
188
00:07:05,092 --> 00:07:07,459
before he would
walk into the stadium,
189
00:07:07,494 --> 00:07:09,094
and this one,
this is the last year
190
00:07:09,129 --> 00:07:09,995
I danced.
191
00:07:10,030 --> 00:07:11,596
I was on tour
with rihanna,
192
00:07:11,632 --> 00:07:13,398
I think I was
in canada somewhere,
193
00:07:13,434 --> 00:07:14,633
and my flight
got delayed,
194
00:07:14,668 --> 00:07:15,767
and I was like,
"oh, no,
195
00:07:15,803 --> 00:07:17,436
I'm gonna,
I'm gonna miss it."
196
00:07:17,471 --> 00:07:19,571
and I missed,
I was late,
197
00:07:19,606 --> 00:07:21,640
I came in
the middle of the game,
198
00:07:21,675 --> 00:07:23,675
and he was
so upset.
199
00:07:23,710 --> 00:07:25,510
He was like,
"you missed it.
200
00:07:25,546 --> 00:07:26,478
You told me
you were gonna..."
201
00:07:26,513 --> 00:07:29,314
and this is not
to harp on him
202
00:07:29,349 --> 00:07:31,283
or say that he was...
He was where he was too.
203
00:07:31,318 --> 00:07:32,417
We had
our thing.
204
00:07:32,453 --> 00:07:35,020
And so that was like,
"I can't keep doing this
205
00:07:35,055 --> 00:07:37,322
because my relationship
is struggling."
206
00:07:37,357 --> 00:07:38,657
and...
207
00:07:38,692 --> 00:07:40,625
And I was
a little bit older,
208
00:07:40,661 --> 00:07:42,427
so I was like, "am I gonna
keep doing this?
209
00:07:42,463 --> 00:07:44,629
'cause it's going to probably
end my relationship
210
00:07:44,665 --> 00:07:45,997
if I keep doing it.
211
00:07:46,033 --> 00:07:50,335
Or am I going
to make the sacrifice
212
00:07:50,370 --> 00:07:51,636
to not do this anymore,
213
00:07:51,672 --> 00:07:53,705
this thing that I had
worked so hard for,
214
00:07:53,740 --> 00:07:55,173
to now
215
00:07:56,510 --> 00:07:58,877
move forward in my life
in this way with this person
216
00:07:58,912 --> 00:08:01,480
who I want to spend
the rest of my life with?"
217
00:08:01,515 --> 00:08:03,381
and I made
that decision.
218
00:08:03,417 --> 00:08:05,951
And I made the decision
to progress with my husband,
219
00:08:05,986 --> 00:08:07,652
and start a family
with my husband.
220
00:08:07,688 --> 00:08:09,588
But that came
at a very heavy price
221
00:08:10,023 --> 00:08:12,057
for my wellbeing.
222
00:08:12,092 --> 00:08:14,693
In terms of not seeing
eye to eye,
223
00:08:14,728 --> 00:08:18,330
okay, just so I can give you
a better understanding.
224
00:08:18,365 --> 00:08:20,532
Her mom was ill,
hmm,
225
00:08:20,567 --> 00:08:22,868
uh, with als.
226
00:08:24,338 --> 00:08:26,171
I am going
through the police academy.
227
00:08:26,206 --> 00:08:29,407
We're in, what I like to refer
to as a foreign place.
228
00:08:29,443 --> 00:08:30,342
Yes.
229
00:08:30,377 --> 00:08:32,677
Culture shock
is an understatement
230
00:08:32,713 --> 00:08:35,413
if you really knew
where we come from.
231
00:08:35,449 --> 00:08:38,517
Right. La
and north carolina.
232
00:08:38,552 --> 00:08:39,918
It's completely
different.
233
00:08:41,455 --> 00:08:43,421
The other issue,
or the other thing,
234
00:08:43,457 --> 00:08:45,724
to take into consideration
is our age.
235
00:08:45,759 --> 00:08:49,060
And then, I've never
dealt with death.
236
00:08:50,063 --> 00:08:52,531
Okay, so new
to marriage,
237
00:08:52,566 --> 00:08:53,932
dealing with death,
238
00:08:53,967 --> 00:08:54,966
foreign land,
239
00:08:55,702 --> 00:08:57,135
completely different
240
00:08:59,406 --> 00:09:01,172
from anything I would've
ever imagined
241
00:09:01,208 --> 00:09:03,441
in my career
choice, right?
242
00:09:04,745 --> 00:09:07,078
So the emotions,
243
00:09:07,114 --> 00:09:09,214
and then we presumably,
we're supposed to be here
244
00:09:09,249 --> 00:09:11,149
pursuing your dream.
245
00:09:11,552 --> 00:09:12,417
Right?
246
00:09:12,452 --> 00:09:14,486
You put all that into a pot,
you got
247
00:09:15,789 --> 00:09:17,188
a mess.
248
00:09:17,224 --> 00:09:19,424
I didn't-- I was raised
by my mom,
249
00:09:19,459 --> 00:09:21,960
um, no, none,
250
00:09:21,995 --> 00:09:25,096
no experience with death
at this level.
251
00:09:25,132 --> 00:09:26,865
And when
I was getting married,
252
00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:28,567
and one of the few
in my family
253
00:09:28,602 --> 00:09:29,734
to ever get married,
254
00:09:29,770 --> 00:09:31,202
I said it, to...
255
00:09:31,238 --> 00:09:33,471
"to sickness and in health,"
but I did not
256
00:09:34,608 --> 00:09:38,276
imagine that
that goes beyond her.
257
00:09:38,312 --> 00:09:40,078
So when it did,
and she was dealing with that,
258
00:09:40,113 --> 00:09:42,113
I didn't know how to...
259
00:09:42,149 --> 00:09:43,248
I didn't know
how to help her.
260
00:09:43,951 --> 00:09:45,216
Yes, so we
got married,
261
00:09:45,252 --> 00:09:47,886
and we knew we wanted
to try to have a baby,
262
00:09:47,921 --> 00:09:51,656
kind of, fairly quickly,
so we just started living,
263
00:09:51,692 --> 00:09:55,627
not protecting,
but not trying, just living.
264
00:09:55,662 --> 00:09:56,561
Yeah, just living.
265
00:09:56,597 --> 00:09:58,730
Um, and we got,
we, like, four months
266
00:09:58,765 --> 00:10:00,632
after we got married,
I got pregnant,
267
00:10:00,667 --> 00:10:04,769
and he got two major companies
reach out to him
268
00:10:04,805 --> 00:10:07,172
and I was, like,
"tell them both
about the other one."
269
00:10:07,207 --> 00:10:09,107
they need to know
they're in competition.
270
00:10:09,142 --> 00:10:10,609
'cause if they know
they're in competition,
271
00:10:10,644 --> 00:10:13,111
they're gonna move fast
to get you what you want.
272
00:10:13,146 --> 00:10:14,579
And both places
he applied to,
273
00:10:14,615 --> 00:10:17,282
the roles were supposed
to be in new york,
274
00:10:17,317 --> 00:10:20,018
and he started
going through the process,
275
00:10:20,053 --> 00:10:22,454
and neither company
wanted him to be in new york,
276
00:10:22,489 --> 00:10:26,858
and it was very real
because, like,
our support base
277
00:10:26,893 --> 00:10:28,994
was in new york,
we're about to have a baby,
278
00:10:29,029 --> 00:10:30,495
we just bought
a house.
279
00:10:30,530 --> 00:10:34,633
I was uncomfortable
with the thought of him
interviewing,
280
00:10:34,668 --> 00:10:36,101
but he was so excited,
281
00:10:36,136 --> 00:10:38,036
and I'm like, "I don't want
to take that from you,
282
00:10:38,639 --> 00:10:40,338
but I'm not
that happy
283
00:10:40,374 --> 00:10:41,873
with the thought
of leaving new york,
284
00:10:41,908 --> 00:10:43,008
and leaving my mom.
285
00:10:43,043 --> 00:10:45,110
My best friend was pregnant
at the same time with me,
286
00:10:45,145 --> 00:10:47,012
and, like, the thought
of raising our kids together,"
287
00:10:47,047 --> 00:10:48,680
like, it was uncomfortable
for me, like,
288
00:10:48,715 --> 00:10:50,348
and I never,
I guess I never...
289
00:10:50,384 --> 00:10:51,449
You never
said this to me.
290
00:10:51,485 --> 00:10:53,051
I never shared that
with him, but,
291
00:10:53,086 --> 00:10:55,220
it's like, how do you
support your partner
292
00:10:55,856 --> 00:10:56,788
and...
293
00:10:56,823 --> 00:10:59,224
Why're you doing this?
294
00:10:59,259 --> 00:11:01,393
"I really don't like you
right now."
295
00:11:01,428 --> 00:11:02,827
going through
the motions.
296
00:11:02,863 --> 00:11:05,196
"and we'd have moved
all the way out here,
297
00:11:05,232 --> 00:11:06,731
and you've got a job,
I got a job,
298
00:11:06,767 --> 00:11:09,801
like, we out here,
we don't know nobody else.
299
00:11:09,836 --> 00:11:11,703
Shoot, I can't...
We can't even afford
to get a divorce."
300
00:11:13,940 --> 00:11:15,373
it was uncomfortable
for me, like, and I never,
I guess I never...
301
00:11:15,409 --> 00:11:16,274
You never
said this to me.
302
00:11:16,309 --> 00:11:17,909
I never shared that
with him, but,
303
00:11:17,944 --> 00:11:20,145
it's like, how do you
support your partner
304
00:11:20,447 --> 00:11:21,513
and...
305
00:11:21,548 --> 00:11:23,314
Why're you doing this?
306
00:11:23,950 --> 00:11:24,849
That's crazy.
307
00:11:24,885 --> 00:11:25,750
I wanted
to support you,
308
00:11:25,786 --> 00:11:27,752
I wanted you
to be happy,
309
00:11:27,788 --> 00:11:29,921
and you were,
you were so excited.
310
00:11:29,956 --> 00:11:31,589
Like, I don't think
you know
311
00:11:32,626 --> 00:11:34,225
how excited
you were, and, like...
312
00:11:34,261 --> 00:11:35,894
He ended up
getting one of the jobs
313
00:11:35,929 --> 00:11:39,597
and he, um, he went
to california for a month.
314
00:11:39,633 --> 00:11:42,300
And I was by myself,
and I'm like,
315
00:11:42,335 --> 00:11:44,202
people say they want
to be there for you,
316
00:11:44,237 --> 00:11:45,804
but it's like,
it was very lonely,
317
00:11:45,839 --> 00:11:48,239
even being home,
I was alone.
318
00:11:48,275 --> 00:11:50,709
But I wanted you
to feel like you were
319
00:11:50,744 --> 00:11:52,077
supported
in that moment, so...
320
00:11:52,112 --> 00:11:53,111
Yeah.
321
00:11:53,146 --> 00:11:55,413
I never, till this day,
have felt that, like,
322
00:11:55,449 --> 00:11:57,282
throughout
the entire process,
323
00:11:57,317 --> 00:11:58,883
I was all,
"I have full support
324
00:11:58,919 --> 00:12:00,819
from my eight month
expecting wife,
325
00:12:00,854 --> 00:12:04,289
she knows, like,
this career change
is gonna change our lives
326
00:12:04,324 --> 00:12:07,092
if I'm able to get into tech
and out of finance."
327
00:12:07,127 --> 00:12:09,427
I genuinely did not know
until this very moment
328
00:12:09,463 --> 00:12:11,062
that you ever felt
that way,
329
00:12:11,098 --> 00:12:12,597
over the last five years.
That's crazy.
330
00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:18,002
My contract with wwe
was from 2007 to 2014.
331
00:12:18,038 --> 00:12:19,771
Within that time,
332
00:12:19,806 --> 00:12:22,807
I had three major injuries
which...
333
00:12:22,843 --> 00:12:24,809
Those were the times
when I was home.
334
00:12:25,612 --> 00:12:26,978
Before that,
335
00:12:27,013 --> 00:12:29,114
so, at least
for four and a half years,
336
00:12:29,883 --> 00:12:31,082
to five years
of that time,
337
00:12:31,118 --> 00:12:33,084
I was home two days.
338
00:12:33,120 --> 00:12:34,819
I come home,
I want home-cooked food,
339
00:12:34,855 --> 00:12:36,621
I want to stay
in my bed,
340
00:12:36,656 --> 00:12:37,822
I want to sit down.
341
00:12:37,858 --> 00:12:39,624
She's like,
"I've been home
342
00:12:40,160 --> 00:12:41,626
all this time,
343
00:12:41,661 --> 00:12:43,361
I want to go have
a good dinner,
344
00:12:43,396 --> 00:12:44,996
I would love to go,
stay in a hotel room."
345
00:12:45,031 --> 00:12:47,532
I'm like, "I just spent
20 nights in a hotel room."
346
00:12:47,567 --> 00:12:48,767
"I've just been
in a hotel room."
347
00:12:48,802 --> 00:12:50,668
she wants to, like,
she wanted to do the things
348
00:12:50,704 --> 00:12:51,970
that I was doing,
349
00:12:52,005 --> 00:12:55,306
and I think it caused
a lot of, uh,
350
00:12:55,342 --> 00:12:58,009
just a little bit of issues
because
351
00:12:58,044 --> 00:12:59,677
I couldn't see it
from her point of view.
352
00:12:59,713 --> 00:13:01,212
-Mm-hmm.
-And...
353
00:13:01,248 --> 00:13:03,281
And I wasn't used
to having him at home.
354
00:13:03,316 --> 00:13:04,682
-Yeah.
-Like I said,
355
00:13:04,718 --> 00:13:06,351
he leaves
all the cabinets open.
356
00:13:06,386 --> 00:13:08,052
So it was like,
357
00:13:08,088 --> 00:13:09,788
"great, you're home,
but I see socks
358
00:13:09,823 --> 00:13:11,623
and cabinets open,
that's all I see.
359
00:13:11,658 --> 00:13:13,124
And suitcases.
360
00:13:13,160 --> 00:13:16,060
Socks, suitcases,
cabinets."
361
00:13:17,097 --> 00:13:18,797
-so...
-And so,
I'd just be annoyed,
362
00:13:18,832 --> 00:13:20,865
walking around the house,
closing stuff, closing stuff,
363
00:13:20,901 --> 00:13:22,200
cleaning up
after him.
364
00:13:23,036 --> 00:13:24,035
For the past
four years,
365
00:13:24,070 --> 00:13:25,236
he's been
shooting greenleaf,
366
00:13:25,272 --> 00:13:26,404
in atlanta.
367
00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:29,007
And year number one,
368
00:13:29,042 --> 00:13:30,742
we tried
to commute with him,
369
00:13:30,777 --> 00:13:33,912
so he could stay--
well, commute,
and let him stay there.
370
00:13:33,947 --> 00:13:35,647
So he could be,
you know, be solid.
371
00:13:35,682 --> 00:13:37,382
Everybody loves
to be a ship, right?
372
00:13:37,417 --> 00:13:39,083
But you gotta
be solid.
373
00:13:39,119 --> 00:13:41,553
Um, but then after that,
it wasn't working
374
00:13:41,588 --> 00:13:43,054
for our girls, right.
375
00:13:43,089 --> 00:13:47,192
And, um, so we had
to reevaluate.
376
00:13:47,227 --> 00:13:50,228
Sometimes, things will happen
at 9:00 p.M.,
377
00:13:50,263 --> 00:13:51,796
it's midnight
in atlanta.
378
00:13:52,799 --> 00:13:55,567
And he's worked
all day, you know.
379
00:13:55,602 --> 00:13:58,102
So-- and then, sometimes
he's just stressed.
380
00:13:58,138 --> 00:13:59,938
And I don't
wanna call him
381
00:13:59,973 --> 00:14:03,374
with something that is going
to be so upsetting.
382
00:14:03,410 --> 00:14:05,243
And maybe
I can handle it.
383
00:14:05,278 --> 00:14:08,079
Um, but
that doesn't always
384
00:14:09,216 --> 00:14:11,683
turn out the best
because ultimately,
385
00:14:11,718 --> 00:14:13,051
he'll say, "I needed--
386
00:14:13,086 --> 00:14:14,352
you should've called me
in that situation."
387
00:14:14,387 --> 00:14:16,254
-well, you know...
-But that, that has caused,
388
00:14:16,289 --> 00:14:18,289
you know, a lot of,
a lot of tension.
389
00:14:18,325 --> 00:14:19,257
That can cause
a lot of tension.
390
00:14:19,292 --> 00:14:21,226
First of all,
if I don't know,
391
00:14:21,261 --> 00:14:23,461
you can't hold me
responsible for
392
00:14:24,431 --> 00:14:26,297
dismissing it,
or not paying it
393
00:14:26,333 --> 00:14:27,699
the right amount
of attention.
394
00:14:27,734 --> 00:14:29,033
And that has
caused problems,
395
00:14:29,069 --> 00:14:30,435
because I'll be
mad at him...
396
00:14:30,470 --> 00:14:31,569
-You know--
-...Really mad.
397
00:14:31,605 --> 00:14:33,071
-And it's like--
-he didn't even know
what happened.
398
00:14:33,106 --> 00:14:34,305
"what do you,
what are you talking about?"
399
00:14:34,341 --> 00:14:35,874
he's just not here,
so I'm mad.
400
00:14:35,909 --> 00:14:37,475
And, you know,
I mean,
401
00:14:38,345 --> 00:14:41,012
that's why
I'm very grateful
402
00:14:41,448 --> 00:14:43,581
to have learned
403
00:14:43,617 --> 00:14:46,651
not to take stuff, you know,
certain things so personally.
404
00:14:46,686 --> 00:14:49,387
I mean, pay attention,
listen,
405
00:14:49,422 --> 00:14:52,223
so I can begin
to hear
406
00:14:52,259 --> 00:14:53,591
when it really is
about me.
407
00:14:54,427 --> 00:14:56,494
And sometimes,
it just isn't.
408
00:14:56,529 --> 00:14:59,831
That doesn't
always feel good.
409
00:14:59,866 --> 00:15:02,934
But, you know,
feelings are not facts.
410
00:15:02,969 --> 00:15:05,003
So just because
I feel a certain way about it,
411
00:15:05,038 --> 00:15:06,871
you know,
and I tried my best
412
00:15:07,974 --> 00:15:10,074
not to take it
out on them,
413
00:15:10,110 --> 00:15:11,609
you know, however
I feel about it,
414
00:15:11,645 --> 00:15:14,012
but, you know,
and I'd have to deal
with, you know...
415
00:15:14,981 --> 00:15:17,615
[sighs]... With, you know,
the difference
416
00:15:17,651 --> 00:15:20,318
between martians
and venusians all the time.
417
00:15:23,556 --> 00:15:25,690
Just being a new mom
by yourself is a lot,
418
00:15:25,725 --> 00:15:27,992
and then, you add in
the layer of, like,
419
00:15:28,028 --> 00:15:30,428
moving and not having
a support system.
420
00:15:30,463 --> 00:15:32,530
It was just--
for me, looking back,
421
00:15:32,565 --> 00:15:33,998
I'm like, I probably
was, like, a lot darker
422
00:15:34,034 --> 00:15:36,601
than I could
even perceive,
423
00:15:36,636 --> 00:15:38,970
and I'm sure he wasn't
even really happy with me.
424
00:15:39,005 --> 00:15:41,039
I just was sad,
I was just like,
425
00:15:41,074 --> 00:15:42,173
"I don't really
want to be here,
426
00:15:42,208 --> 00:15:45,310
and I miss my friends
and, like, I miss my husband,
427
00:15:45,345 --> 00:15:46,511
'cause he's
at work all day,
428
00:15:46,546 --> 00:15:48,546
and I don't
have anyone else to talk to."
429
00:15:48,581 --> 00:15:50,648
it was
very isolating.
430
00:15:50,684 --> 00:15:53,618
His life
continued as normal,
431
00:15:53,653 --> 00:15:56,054
and it felt like my life
had only been disrupted.
432
00:15:56,089 --> 00:15:57,889
So I wasn't mad that
he had gotten his new job,
433
00:15:57,924 --> 00:15:59,390
but it was
just, like,
434
00:15:59,426 --> 00:16:01,826
"you've-- there's been no--
you haven't missed a beat
435
00:16:01,861 --> 00:16:03,895
like, we moved,
you went back to work,
436
00:16:03,930 --> 00:16:06,497
you made friends, like,
your life, kind of, just,
437
00:16:06,533 --> 00:16:08,399
it was a continuum,
whereas my life
438
00:16:08,435 --> 00:16:10,068
just felt like
this hole."
439
00:16:10,103 --> 00:16:13,705
yeah, no, I mean, I was
cognizant with that, like,
440
00:16:13,740 --> 00:16:14,872
I didn't know
that she was gonna be
441
00:16:14,908 --> 00:16:16,407
so supportive of me
even taking the job
442
00:16:16,443 --> 00:16:18,343
'cause that was gonna
impact her career,
443
00:16:18,378 --> 00:16:21,079
and, I mean,
she's so career motivated
444
00:16:21,114 --> 00:16:23,648
that for her, again,
she's just like,
445
00:16:23,683 --> 00:16:26,184
not put that on me,
like, "okay,
446
00:16:26,219 --> 00:16:28,586
if you have to take
another job somewhere,
447
00:16:28,621 --> 00:16:31,022
I'ma support you in that,
I'll figure my stuff out."
448
00:16:31,057 --> 00:16:33,224
that was just...
That's being crazy.
449
00:16:33,259 --> 00:16:34,759
But, yeah,
once we were out there,
450
00:16:34,794 --> 00:16:37,862
it was a whole
different energy
451
00:16:37,897 --> 00:16:39,597
that I was
getting from her.
452
00:16:39,632 --> 00:16:42,200
We were good
at acting like
453
00:16:42,235 --> 00:16:44,235
-it didn't happen. Right?
-Mm-hmm.
454
00:16:44,270 --> 00:16:48,339
'cause we would
hit good spots,
455
00:16:48,375 --> 00:16:51,175
and so, "let's not
even worry about it.
456
00:16:51,211 --> 00:16:53,111
Ain't no need
to address anything.
457
00:16:53,146 --> 00:16:54,379
Ain't no need
to talking about it.
458
00:16:54,414 --> 00:16:56,080
We good now."
459
00:16:56,116 --> 00:16:58,016
but then, one little thing
would pluck a nerve,
460
00:16:58,051 --> 00:17:00,118
and all the bad stuff
comes back up
461
00:17:00,153 --> 00:17:01,419
'cause we never
dealt with it.
462
00:17:02,722 --> 00:17:03,855
I didn't know
how to help her.
463
00:17:04,824 --> 00:17:06,057
I didn't know
how to help her,
464
00:17:07,160 --> 00:17:09,160
and I was
struggling
465
00:17:09,195 --> 00:17:11,763
with what it is
to be a man.
466
00:17:12,599 --> 00:17:15,199
Right? I got
a three-year-old,
467
00:17:15,235 --> 00:17:17,502
right, and I got a--
then I got another daughter
468
00:17:17,537 --> 00:17:18,836
as well, older,
469
00:17:18,872 --> 00:17:21,839
you know, so there's a lot
that we were dealing with
470
00:17:21,875 --> 00:17:24,976
as kids, this was
24 years of age.
471
00:17:25,011 --> 00:17:25,877
Yeah.
472
00:17:25,912 --> 00:17:28,012
Uh, so a lot
of the fights,
473
00:17:28,882 --> 00:17:30,515
a lot of
the arguments...
474
00:17:30,550 --> 00:17:32,650
And I didn't
even say finances.
475
00:17:32,685 --> 00:17:35,920
-Oh.
-We all know that finances,
that's a major thing.
476
00:17:35,955 --> 00:17:36,854
Yeah.
477
00:17:36,890 --> 00:17:38,189
So in a lot
of the fights,
478
00:17:38,224 --> 00:17:41,325
I don't think anybody
would've been able
to handle it any...
479
00:17:41,361 --> 00:17:43,061
They might have been
able to handle some
of the arguments,
480
00:17:43,096 --> 00:17:44,996
-'cause we were harsh,
you know, very...
-Uff.
481
00:17:45,031 --> 00:17:46,764
-...Very, very, yeah.
-It was bad.
482
00:17:46,800 --> 00:17:48,366
Yeah, it was bad,
it was bad, fine.
483
00:17:48,401 --> 00:17:51,736
But I'm
thinking
484
00:17:51,771 --> 00:17:53,371
no circumstances
I would expect it
485
00:17:53,406 --> 00:17:56,441
from any 24,
25-year-old person.
486
00:17:56,943 --> 00:17:58,076
Uh, going through--
487
00:17:58,111 --> 00:17:59,777
with the weight of the world
that we had on us.
488
00:17:59,813 --> 00:18:00,711
Yeah.
489
00:18:00,747 --> 00:18:03,681
You know, we were good
at acting like
490
00:18:03,716 --> 00:18:05,783
-it didn't happen. Right?
-Mm-hmm.
491
00:18:05,819 --> 00:18:09,720
'cause we would
hit good spots,
492
00:18:09,756 --> 00:18:12,723
and so, "let's not
even worry about it.
493
00:18:12,759 --> 00:18:14,625
Ain't no need
to address anything.
494
00:18:14,661 --> 00:18:15,860
Ain't no need
to talking about it.
495
00:18:15,895 --> 00:18:17,595
We good now."
496
00:18:17,630 --> 00:18:19,530
but then, one little thing
would pluck a nerve,
497
00:18:19,566 --> 00:18:21,732
and all the bad stuff
comes back up
498
00:18:21,768 --> 00:18:23,234
'cause we never
dealt with it.
499
00:18:23,269 --> 00:18:25,470
Right? And so
we were so good
500
00:18:25,505 --> 00:18:27,605
with looking good
on the outside.
501
00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:28,539
Mm-hmm.
502
00:18:28,575 --> 00:18:31,275
I used to be,
when I did something wrong
503
00:18:31,311 --> 00:18:33,044
I'm the last
to admit it.
504
00:18:33,079 --> 00:18:35,480
Now, I'm happy
to admit
505
00:18:35,515 --> 00:18:37,715
what is
my stuff.
506
00:18:37,750 --> 00:18:39,917
"this is clearly
my stuff."
507
00:18:39,953 --> 00:18:43,321
it's a constant, um,
508
00:18:44,858 --> 00:18:46,757
learning curve.
509
00:18:46,793 --> 00:18:49,293
But, you know,
I've been sober for 15 years,
510
00:18:49,329 --> 00:18:51,462
and, you know, one of the,
511
00:18:51,498 --> 00:18:55,466
one of the, uh, things that
I've learned in my sobriety,
512
00:18:55,502 --> 00:18:58,703
is to cultivate
my, uh,
513
00:19:00,039 --> 00:19:01,606
spiritual
vocabulary,
514
00:19:01,641 --> 00:19:05,743
to, you know,
to, uh,
515
00:19:05,778 --> 00:19:08,346
really get closer
to a god of my understanding.
516
00:19:09,149 --> 00:19:12,650
Stopping, uh,
drinking,
517
00:19:12,685 --> 00:19:15,987
you know, is just,
for me,
518
00:19:16,022 --> 00:19:19,991
that's the beginning.
The work starts after that.
519
00:19:20,026 --> 00:19:22,527
The void that I had
from quitting dance
520
00:19:22,562 --> 00:19:23,794
and quitting
my career,
521
00:19:23,830 --> 00:19:26,297
I expected him
to fill up for me.
522
00:19:26,332 --> 00:19:27,598
And he couldn't,
he was working,
523
00:19:27,634 --> 00:19:29,167
he was at practice all day
or he had games
524
00:19:29,202 --> 00:19:31,269
or he had away games
and so, then I was
525
00:19:31,304 --> 00:19:32,470
resentful for that.
526
00:19:32,505 --> 00:19:36,307
And so, but throughout
the whole time
527
00:19:36,342 --> 00:19:37,875
that I was
going through that,
528
00:19:37,911 --> 00:19:39,977
he was always like,
"tell me what you need."
529
00:19:40,013 --> 00:19:42,847
and so, I went
through this whole phase,
530
00:19:42,882 --> 00:19:45,283
I was, like, "all right, well,
I'm not dancing anymore.
531
00:19:45,318 --> 00:19:47,318
I've to find something else
to do with myself."
532
00:19:47,353 --> 00:19:49,620
so I went
to school for interior design.
533
00:19:49,656 --> 00:19:51,389
"where do you wanna go?
Tell me what you want to do.
534
00:19:51,424 --> 00:19:52,723
What school
do you want to go to?
535
00:19:52,759 --> 00:19:54,525
Uh, tell me
where we sign up."
536
00:19:54,561 --> 00:19:56,527
I still think I was
trying to fill this void
537
00:19:56,563 --> 00:19:58,696
that I didn't really know
what it was.
538
00:19:58,731 --> 00:20:00,998
But every step
of the way,
539
00:20:01,034 --> 00:20:02,466
he was always,
like,
540
00:20:02,502 --> 00:20:04,569
"I know that
you're only in this position
541
00:20:04,604 --> 00:20:08,239
because you chose me
over your career.
542
00:20:08,274 --> 00:20:10,708
-So whatever
I need to do..."
-right, that's true.
543
00:20:10,743 --> 00:20:13,511
"...To fill you back up,
I'm doing it."
544
00:20:13,546 --> 00:20:16,347
I tried my best
to try to,
545
00:20:16,382 --> 00:20:18,482
at least make Thursday night
date night.
546
00:20:18,518 --> 00:20:20,184
But he was
always on, like,
547
00:20:20,220 --> 00:20:22,587
high risk everything, like,
everything I wanted to do...
548
00:20:22,622 --> 00:20:24,388
-I couldn't do anything.
-...He couldn't do it.
549
00:20:24,424 --> 00:20:26,090
-Can't go horseback riding.
-Horseback riding.
550
00:20:26,125 --> 00:20:27,925
-That's too risky.
-Not going skiing.
551
00:20:27,961 --> 00:20:30,595
-Not going anything.
-Can't go... Nothing active.
552
00:20:30,630 --> 00:20:33,431
I can't get injured
outside of the ring.
553
00:20:33,466 --> 00:20:36,067
Um, when I did get injured,
it was, like,
554
00:20:36,102 --> 00:20:38,069
tore my quad,
a couple of months later,
555
00:20:38,104 --> 00:20:40,404
and my legs got better,
she was like, "I'm out."
556
00:20:40,440 --> 00:20:42,006
she went
to puerto rico...
557
00:20:42,041 --> 00:20:43,341
Oh, yeah.
558
00:20:43,376 --> 00:20:45,243
She used
all my miles, she's like,
559
00:20:45,278 --> 00:20:47,111
-"I'm going first class."
-I took all his miles.
560
00:20:47,146 --> 00:20:49,380
-I was like, "I'm going."
-she's like, "I'm going
to puerto rico."
561
00:20:49,415 --> 00:20:51,882
-she went for, like,
five or six days.
-A week.
562
00:20:51,918 --> 00:20:53,584
-Yeah.
-And it was cool with me,
563
00:20:53,620 --> 00:20:56,587
because I'm like,
I know I couldn't do anything,
564
00:20:56,623 --> 00:20:59,123
and I know my wife
loves to travel.
565
00:20:59,158 --> 00:21:00,758
So those are
the things that...
566
00:21:00,793 --> 00:21:02,460
I was like, "whatever.
If you're gonna
have, you know..."
567
00:21:02,495 --> 00:21:03,761
her cousin
went with her.
568
00:21:03,796 --> 00:21:05,396
I'm like,
"go have fun."
569
00:21:05,431 --> 00:21:06,264
during that,
570
00:21:07,433 --> 00:21:08,432
that time,
571
00:21:08,468 --> 00:21:11,202
you know, our first
couple of years in la,
572
00:21:11,237 --> 00:21:14,038
the night scene
unfortunately was...
573
00:21:14,073 --> 00:21:15,273
It's a real thing.
574
00:21:15,308 --> 00:21:17,441
You know,
we never really did,
575
00:21:17,944 --> 00:21:20,544
uh, and,
576
00:21:20,580 --> 00:21:21,779
another unfortunate
part of that
577
00:21:21,814 --> 00:21:25,883
is we argued
and fought a lot.
578
00:21:25,918 --> 00:21:27,885
We were together,
but we weren't together.
579
00:21:27,920 --> 00:21:30,221
"we know we got
to pay these bills,
580
00:21:30,256 --> 00:21:32,456
we know
we got to parent this child,
581
00:21:32,492 --> 00:21:34,558
but I really
don't like you right now."
582
00:21:34,594 --> 00:21:36,160
going through
the motions.
583
00:21:36,195 --> 00:21:38,462
"and we'd have moved
all the way out here.
584
00:21:38,498 --> 00:21:40,264
And you've got a job,
I got a job,
585
00:21:40,300 --> 00:21:42,967
like, we out here,
we don't know nobody else.
586
00:21:43,002 --> 00:21:45,269
Shoot, I can't...
We can't even afford
to get a divorce.
587
00:21:45,305 --> 00:21:46,270
We don't even know
how to...
588
00:21:46,306 --> 00:21:47,438
I don't even know
how to get a divorce."
589
00:21:47,473 --> 00:21:48,572
oh, yeah.
590
00:21:48,608 --> 00:21:49,907
-Right?
-I remember
thinking that.
591
00:21:49,942 --> 00:21:51,475
-Yeah.
-I remember being, like,
592
00:21:51,511 --> 00:21:53,144
"what, man,
I'm tight.
593
00:21:53,179 --> 00:21:54,645
I ain't doing this
no more."
594
00:21:54,681 --> 00:21:56,314
yeah. You left me
for two days.
595
00:21:56,349 --> 00:21:58,616
Right, but what am I
gonna do?
596
00:21:58,651 --> 00:21:59,483
Right.
597
00:22:01,054 --> 00:22:02,119
There.
598
00:22:02,155 --> 00:22:03,587
For about two days, he went
and stayed with a friend
599
00:22:03,623 --> 00:22:05,690
and came back, like,
"yeah, that didn't work out."
600
00:22:05,725 --> 00:22:06,824
nah.
601
00:22:08,061 --> 00:22:09,694
-I was, like--
-nah, that ain't gonna--
602
00:22:09,729 --> 00:22:10,828
I was
playing fantasia,
603
00:22:10,863 --> 00:22:12,430
"if you don't want me,
then don't talk to me."
604
00:22:12,465 --> 00:22:14,465
-man, I got so sick of it.
-He got so mad.
605
00:22:14,500 --> 00:22:16,033
He was so mad
with me.
606
00:22:16,069 --> 00:22:17,702
Man,
she fought dirty.
607
00:22:17,737 --> 00:22:18,803
She fought
with music.
608
00:22:18,838 --> 00:22:19,770
I fought
through music.
609
00:22:19,806 --> 00:22:20,938
You know,
she fought through music
610
00:22:20,973 --> 00:22:22,506
and would
play it loud.
611
00:22:22,542 --> 00:22:23,841
You go in
to shower...
612
00:22:23,876 --> 00:22:25,042
Go and put on
the song.
613
00:22:25,078 --> 00:22:27,678
...I would literally have
anthony hamilton on.
614
00:22:27,714 --> 00:22:28,879
Maxwell, something.
615
00:22:29,682 --> 00:22:30,881
I'd be
in the shower,
616
00:22:30,917 --> 00:22:33,517
and I would hear
the music change to fantasia.
617
00:22:34,220 --> 00:22:35,319
"you don't
want me..."
618
00:22:35,722 --> 00:22:36,921
I mean, I...
619
00:22:36,956 --> 00:22:38,656
♪ if you don't want me
then don't talk to me, honey ♪
620
00:22:38,691 --> 00:22:40,124
turn it up tap,
turn it up, girl.
621
00:22:40,159 --> 00:22:41,258
She'd be loud.
622
00:22:44,897 --> 00:22:46,664
And I had
behaviors that
623
00:22:47,600 --> 00:22:50,968
I didn't
quite understand,
624
00:22:51,003 --> 00:22:52,703
so he did
something...
625
00:22:52,739 --> 00:22:54,705
It was really not really
about what he did,
626
00:22:54,741 --> 00:22:57,141
it was about
my response to things
627
00:22:57,176 --> 00:22:58,943
I had grown up with
and he would say that to me,
628
00:22:58,978 --> 00:23:00,411
and I was like,
"oh, never know, it's you."
629
00:23:01,180 --> 00:23:02,747
um,
630
00:23:02,782 --> 00:23:05,316
so we both dug deep
into the spiritual world,
631
00:23:06,419 --> 00:23:08,018
and, um,
632
00:23:09,756 --> 00:23:11,956
you know,
went to, like, family group,
633
00:23:11,991 --> 00:23:13,624
to understand
the dynamic of
634
00:23:15,128 --> 00:23:16,260
what was going on
with me,
635
00:23:16,295 --> 00:23:18,729
what was going on
with my family,
636
00:23:18,765 --> 00:23:21,999
what can we do
to change our dynamic,
637
00:23:22,034 --> 00:23:23,634
and finally, you know,
we got to a place
638
00:23:23,669 --> 00:23:25,169
where we could
start talking.
639
00:23:25,204 --> 00:23:28,239
And it wasn't easy, like,
he wanted to talk more to me
640
00:23:28,274 --> 00:23:30,441
about what was
going on with him,
641
00:23:30,476 --> 00:23:31,609
and I could not
receive it
642
00:23:31,644 --> 00:23:33,010
because it was
too terrifying
643
00:23:33,880 --> 00:23:36,514
to hear what
644
00:23:36,549 --> 00:23:38,949
he had been doing,
what he had been thinking,
645
00:23:38,985 --> 00:23:41,819
what, like,
his struggles were,
646
00:23:41,854 --> 00:23:43,921
it was really hard
for me to handle.
647
00:23:43,956 --> 00:23:46,457
Now I handle that,
648
00:23:47,059 --> 00:23:48,192
but, uh...
649
00:23:49,562 --> 00:23:51,462
I do.
That's not nice.
650
00:23:53,466 --> 00:23:55,032
I was
teasing you.
651
00:23:55,067 --> 00:23:56,000
Um...
652
00:23:57,170 --> 00:23:59,236
But there were
lots of conversations
653
00:24:00,473 --> 00:24:02,139
about fear,
654
00:24:02,909 --> 00:24:04,708
you know,
getting through.
655
00:24:05,378 --> 00:24:06,644
Things that
hold you back.
656
00:24:08,247 --> 00:24:09,079
Um...
657
00:24:10,149 --> 00:24:11,348
And we just
kept fighting
658
00:24:12,084 --> 00:24:13,050
for each other.
659
00:24:13,753 --> 00:24:15,019
Hmm.
660
00:24:15,054 --> 00:24:18,022
I remember one time,
sitting down and thinking,
661
00:24:18,057 --> 00:24:20,624
"I can talk
to my husband by text
662
00:24:20,660 --> 00:24:23,027
better than I can
to his face,
663
00:24:23,062 --> 00:24:26,697
because I'm used
to texting him everything.
664
00:24:26,732 --> 00:24:28,499
And I never really
talk to him."
665
00:24:29,268 --> 00:24:32,069
um, so when
he's at home,
666
00:24:32,104 --> 00:24:34,972
it was hard for me
to tell him a lot of things,
667
00:24:35,007 --> 00:24:36,507
and as soon
as he walked out the door,
668
00:24:36,542 --> 00:24:37,842
I'd blow him up.
669
00:24:37,877 --> 00:24:39,343
And he'd be like,
"why didn't you tell me
this stuff at home?"
670
00:24:39,378 --> 00:24:41,045
I was just scared.
Yeah.
671
00:24:41,080 --> 00:24:43,080
And I couldn't,
and it's taken me
672
00:24:43,115 --> 00:24:45,049
a long time
to be able to, like,
673
00:24:45,084 --> 00:24:46,116
sit down
and talk to you.
674
00:24:46,152 --> 00:24:47,852
It's still some-- it's still
one of those things.
675
00:24:47,887 --> 00:24:48,752
Yeah. Mm-hmm.
676
00:24:48,788 --> 00:24:51,522
We kind of
sat out in our backyard
677
00:24:51,557 --> 00:24:53,324
-and I was, like...
-We had to talk through
some things.
678
00:24:53,359 --> 00:24:54,592
..."dude, we have to talk."
679
00:24:54,627 --> 00:24:57,862
-I'm like, she's like,
"I don't think I like you."
-mm-hmm.
680
00:24:57,897 --> 00:24:59,930
And I was, like,
"I think the same thing.
681
00:24:59,966 --> 00:25:01,999
Like, I don't think
we like each other."
682
00:25:02,034 --> 00:25:02,900
yeah.
683
00:25:02,935 --> 00:25:04,101
Um, making love,
684
00:25:04,136 --> 00:25:05,769
we love you,
there's, you know,
685
00:25:05,805 --> 00:25:08,539
and she used to be
like, "love isn't everything."
686
00:25:08,574 --> 00:25:10,107
-and for me--
-and he'd get so mad.
687
00:25:10,142 --> 00:25:11,942
I used
to be so mad.
688
00:25:11,978 --> 00:25:13,277
I'm, like,
you know,
689
00:25:13,312 --> 00:25:15,012
"love
conquers all."
690
00:25:15,047 --> 00:25:15,913
you know
what I mean?
691
00:25:15,948 --> 00:25:19,016
"like, it's biblical,
we're married,
692
00:25:19,051 --> 00:25:20,918
like, you know,
love can fix everything."
693
00:25:20,953 --> 00:25:23,687
but when we started
speaking to each other more
694
00:25:23,723 --> 00:25:25,055
and saying,
"okay,
695
00:25:25,091 --> 00:25:27,358
we don't
like things together."
696
00:25:27,393 --> 00:25:28,425
"we don't like..."
697
00:25:28,461 --> 00:25:29,560
"we have
different hobbies."
698
00:25:29,595 --> 00:25:31,228
"we're two
different people.
699
00:25:31,264 --> 00:25:34,598
-And it freaks us out
how different we are."
-yeah.
700
00:25:34,634 --> 00:25:37,468
So we
forced ourselves to...
701
00:25:37,503 --> 00:25:40,304
"okay, we're gonna
start watching a few
tv shows again."
702
00:25:40,339 --> 00:25:42,239
-yeah.
-"that we choose
to watch.
703
00:25:42,275 --> 00:25:44,742
-Whether you like it--"
-"like, you cannot
watch this without me."
704
00:25:44,777 --> 00:25:46,744
-"you cannot watch it--"
-"I can't watch it
without you."
705
00:25:46,779 --> 00:25:49,246
and so we
made that decision.
706
00:25:49,282 --> 00:25:51,649
We made sure that we're gonna
have date night
707
00:25:51,684 --> 00:25:53,150
at least once a week
if we can.
708
00:25:53,185 --> 00:25:55,052
And if it just so happens
that we couldn't...
709
00:25:55,087 --> 00:25:56,053
-Right.
-...That's fine.
710
00:25:56,088 --> 00:25:57,955
-It's a part of our team.
-Gotta aim for it.
711
00:25:57,990 --> 00:25:58,889
Right.
712
00:25:58,925 --> 00:26:00,424
We had bought a house
in farmdale,
713
00:26:00,459 --> 00:26:02,793
and we got sucked out there.
Okay?
714
00:26:02,828 --> 00:26:04,094
And we were there
for one year,
715
00:26:04,797 --> 00:26:06,096
and it was
getting bad.
716
00:26:06,132 --> 00:26:07,064
It was starting
to get bad,
717
00:26:07,099 --> 00:26:08,632
because we were away
from everybody,
718
00:26:08,668 --> 00:26:10,901
all our new friends
we had made in la,
719
00:26:10,937 --> 00:26:13,103
nobody would come visit us,
because it was so far.
720
00:26:13,873 --> 00:26:16,507
And I didn't
wanna be there.
721
00:26:16,542 --> 00:26:18,909
But I didn't wanna tell chance
'cause, you know, he didn't--
722
00:26:18,945 --> 00:26:20,611
did everything he could
to buy us this house.
723
00:26:20,646 --> 00:26:22,479
And I was like,
"oh, god, how do I tell him
724
00:26:22,515 --> 00:26:23,714
that I don't
want to be here?"
725
00:26:24,550 --> 00:26:26,183
and when he came to me
and said,
726
00:26:26,218 --> 00:26:28,018
"I need to talk to you
about something."
727
00:26:28,054 --> 00:26:30,120
he said,
"I don't wanna live up here."
728
00:26:30,156 --> 00:26:31,789
and I was like,
"me either.
729
00:26:31,824 --> 00:26:33,857
Oh, my god, babe."
I was like, "I didn't
want to tell you."
730
00:26:33,893 --> 00:26:36,560
we instantly
became on the same page.
731
00:26:37,196 --> 00:26:40,130
And from
that moment,
732
00:26:40,166 --> 00:26:42,800
it was like we started
to see each other more.
733
00:26:42,835 --> 00:26:44,635
Our relationship
just started getting stronger
734
00:26:44,670 --> 00:26:45,803
and stronger.
735
00:26:45,838 --> 00:26:47,972
I remember too
around that same time,
736
00:26:48,007 --> 00:26:49,506
this was like 2010.
737
00:26:49,542 --> 00:26:52,042
-Mm-hmm.
-Where I was able to...
738
00:26:54,680 --> 00:26:56,480
I always shied away
from the conversations
739
00:26:56,515 --> 00:26:57,781
about her mom
740
00:26:57,817 --> 00:27:01,518
because she had,
uh, made a comment
741
00:27:01,554 --> 00:27:04,521
in some of the arguments,
that I had abandoned her
742
00:27:04,557 --> 00:27:05,990
when she
needed me most.
743
00:27:06,025 --> 00:27:08,325
So there's a part of me
that would...
744
00:27:09,495 --> 00:27:11,195
I would
get pissed
745
00:27:11,230 --> 00:27:13,297
just at the idea,
because I'm like,
746
00:27:13,332 --> 00:27:15,666
"I moved across
the country with you twice
747
00:27:15,701 --> 00:27:17,368
in pursuit
of your dream.
748
00:27:17,403 --> 00:27:19,603
I'm doing something
that terrifies me every day,
749
00:27:20,439 --> 00:27:21,505
every day.
750
00:27:21,540 --> 00:27:23,240
And I got
a three year old, right?
751
00:27:23,275 --> 00:27:24,875
That I'm
responsible for
752
00:27:24,910 --> 00:27:26,944
out here
in this jungle.
753
00:27:27,847 --> 00:27:30,280
Um, otherwise known
as los angeles."
754
00:27:30,616 --> 00:27:31,515
right?
755
00:27:31,550 --> 00:27:32,516
So...
756
00:27:35,955 --> 00:27:37,888
The thought of her
saying it,
757
00:27:37,923 --> 00:27:40,224
I just felt like...
[grunts]
758
00:27:40,960 --> 00:27:41,792
like...
759
00:27:42,928 --> 00:27:44,695
So, for years, I would--
I would just shy away
760
00:27:44,730 --> 00:27:46,030
from the conversation.
Any time she would
761
00:27:46,065 --> 00:27:47,264
bring up her mom,
I would just
762
00:27:48,634 --> 00:27:51,402
agree and walk away
or keep my mouth shut.
763
00:27:51,437 --> 00:27:53,370
'cause I just
felt like she was
764
00:27:54,473 --> 00:27:57,074
really convinced
that I had done something
765
00:27:57,109 --> 00:27:59,743
or I wasn't
there for her, so...
766
00:27:59,779 --> 00:28:01,278
Around the same time
as she was
767
00:28:01,313 --> 00:28:03,514
talking about it,
I was just like,
768
00:28:03,549 --> 00:28:04,882
"god, you gotta
get me words,
769
00:28:05,551 --> 00:28:06,383
'cause
770
00:28:08,054 --> 00:28:09,853
I miss
my mother-in-law.
771
00:28:09,889 --> 00:28:11,088
She was special
to me.
772
00:28:11,123 --> 00:28:12,556
Why, she was...
773
00:28:12,591 --> 00:28:14,591
And I can't
tell my wife
774
00:28:16,128 --> 00:28:18,696
that I'm uncomfortable
with certain subjects,
775
00:28:18,731 --> 00:28:20,831
and I want to be able
to talk to her about this."
776
00:28:21,801 --> 00:28:24,702
and once I was able
to express that
777
00:28:24,737 --> 00:28:26,303
and say, "hey,
778
00:28:26,338 --> 00:28:28,439
uh, that is how
I feel about this."
779
00:28:29,275 --> 00:28:31,075
and we started
to have
780
00:28:31,110 --> 00:28:32,876
just a little bit
of a conversation.
781
00:28:32,912 --> 00:28:36,113
Just opening the door
just a little bit.
782
00:28:36,148 --> 00:28:38,148
So a little bit
of air can come in.
783
00:28:39,351 --> 00:28:41,318
That's when
I remember,
784
00:28:41,353 --> 00:28:42,920
if I had to put
a timeframe on it,
785
00:28:42,955 --> 00:28:45,089
that things started
to get back
786
00:28:45,958 --> 00:28:47,057
on track.
787
00:28:47,093 --> 00:28:48,892
And then,
every year,
788
00:28:48,928 --> 00:28:50,394
I could say
a little bit more,
789
00:28:50,429 --> 00:28:51,929
and then a year later,
I could say,
790
00:28:52,431 --> 00:28:53,297
"hey..."
791
00:28:53,332 --> 00:28:54,932
and I did that
for myself
792
00:28:54,967 --> 00:28:56,333
but also for her,
because I knew that
793
00:28:56,368 --> 00:28:58,902
she still felt
a certain kind of way,
794
00:28:58,938 --> 00:29:00,938
uh,
in regards to it,
795
00:29:00,973 --> 00:29:03,674
but that is when
I remember,
796
00:29:05,177 --> 00:29:06,310
you know...
797
00:29:06,345 --> 00:29:07,344
Things started
getting better.
798
00:29:07,379 --> 00:29:08,946
Things started
to get better and change.
799
00:29:10,382 --> 00:29:12,449
If I can go back...
800
00:29:12,485 --> 00:29:13,317
But we can't.
801
00:29:15,121 --> 00:29:18,622
...I wouldn't let her
walk away from dance.
802
00:29:18,991 --> 00:29:19,823
But...
803
00:29:30,503 --> 00:29:31,368
He was
going to work every day,
804
00:29:31,403 --> 00:29:33,137
and I was on
a six-month mat leave,
805
00:29:33,172 --> 00:29:35,939
with no friends,
no one to talk to,
806
00:29:35,975 --> 00:29:37,875
nothing to do
during the day,
807
00:29:37,910 --> 00:29:40,310
literally just sitting there
with this baby,
808
00:29:40,346 --> 00:29:41,678
waiting for him
to come home.
809
00:29:41,714 --> 00:29:42,813
Like, that was
my life.
810
00:29:42,848 --> 00:29:43,847
I would
get upset at him
811
00:29:43,883 --> 00:29:46,116
because, like,
he kind of found friends
812
00:29:46,152 --> 00:29:47,651
and I was still at home
with the baby,
813
00:29:47,686 --> 00:29:49,319
and I'm just,
like,
814
00:29:49,355 --> 00:29:50,354
"I just want you
to stay home."
815
00:29:50,389 --> 00:29:53,223
and he's like,
"I want you to go out
816
00:29:53,259 --> 00:29:55,793
and do something.
Like, I want you
to find friends, but..."
817
00:29:55,828 --> 00:29:58,195
I think, saying,
"go, find friends,"
is very easy.
818
00:29:58,230 --> 00:29:59,229
It's actually hard
819
00:29:59,265 --> 00:30:01,698
when you don't have,
like, some place to start.
820
00:30:01,734 --> 00:30:03,667
That was some
tough feedback there
821
00:30:03,702 --> 00:30:04,668
she had
to give me.
822
00:30:04,703 --> 00:30:06,570
I was now
having a bustling career,
823
00:30:06,605 --> 00:30:08,338
I was
meeting colleagues,
824
00:30:08,374 --> 00:30:09,706
and she was
struggling with this issue,
825
00:30:09,742 --> 00:30:10,774
she raised it up.
826
00:30:10,810 --> 00:30:12,042
So I was like,
"cool, let me see
what I can do
827
00:30:12,077 --> 00:30:12,976
to fix this up."
828
00:30:13,012 --> 00:30:14,678
I said I wanted
to host--
829
00:30:14,713 --> 00:30:16,346
and by this time,
I'm doing parties anyway,
830
00:30:16,382 --> 00:30:18,182
but I was, like,
"I wanna host a plus one party
831
00:30:18,217 --> 00:30:19,116
at our apartment,
832
00:30:19,151 --> 00:30:21,218
where everyone,
the people that I know,
833
00:30:21,253 --> 00:30:23,053
bring a plus one
that I don't'.
834
00:30:23,088 --> 00:30:26,056
So that she has
a choice of people
835
00:30:26,091 --> 00:30:27,391
to potentially
be friends.
836
00:30:27,426 --> 00:30:28,759
You ain't got to be
friends with my friends
837
00:30:28,794 --> 00:30:30,561
but hopefully,
somebody in this room,
838
00:30:30,596 --> 00:30:31,728
you'll actually like,
839
00:30:31,764 --> 00:30:33,497
and can, like,
build a sisterhood with.
840
00:30:33,532 --> 00:30:34,865
And then
it started happening
841
00:30:34,900 --> 00:30:37,100
and you started
to get your own friends
842
00:30:37,136 --> 00:30:40,237
and ended up
working on the same floor,
maybe--
843
00:30:40,272 --> 00:30:42,573
-a few feet from each other.
-A few feet away
from each other.
844
00:30:42,608 --> 00:30:44,408
So then it became
like a whole office thing.
845
00:30:44,443 --> 00:30:47,010
A lot of...
[chuckling]
846
00:30:47,046 --> 00:30:48,712
and I was--
that became
really cool.
847
00:30:49,582 --> 00:30:50,948
If I can
go back...
848
00:30:51,550 --> 00:30:52,382
But we can't.
849
00:30:54,220 --> 00:30:57,554
...I wouldn't let her
walk away from dance.
850
00:30:57,890 --> 00:30:58,755
Right.
851
00:30:58,791 --> 00:31:01,258
That's something
that I personally,
852
00:31:02,461 --> 00:31:03,760
uh...
853
00:31:04,496 --> 00:31:06,230
It bothers me.
854
00:31:06,265 --> 00:31:08,932
But it bothers him now,
but at that time,
855
00:31:08,968 --> 00:31:11,301
one of the reasons
I made the decision I made,
856
00:31:11,337 --> 00:31:13,570
-is because
we were struggling.
-That was stupid.
857
00:31:13,606 --> 00:31:15,939
Given where we are right now
in our relationship,
858
00:31:15,975 --> 00:31:18,108
and this amazing life
we've created
859
00:31:18,143 --> 00:31:19,776
with our
two wonderful children,
860
00:31:19,812 --> 00:31:21,478
and where I was
at that time,
861
00:31:21,513 --> 00:31:22,913
and all the things
going on in our life
862
00:31:22,948 --> 00:31:24,815
at that time, I would
make the same decision
863
00:31:24,850 --> 00:31:25,916
every single time.
864
00:31:25,951 --> 00:31:27,584
I wouldn't.
865
00:31:27,620 --> 00:31:29,152
-I wouldn't.
-But that's hindsight.
866
00:31:30,356 --> 00:31:31,855
I should've been
more understanding,
867
00:31:33,158 --> 00:31:33,991
of...
868
00:31:35,761 --> 00:31:37,561
Of her,
869
00:31:37,596 --> 00:31:39,796
and what
she was doing.
870
00:31:40,933 --> 00:31:42,499
I was selfish,
871
00:31:42,534 --> 00:31:45,102
and that's the part
I wish I could take back.
872
00:31:45,804 --> 00:31:46,637
Because,
873
00:31:48,207 --> 00:31:50,641
in the grand scheme
of it all,
874
00:31:50,676 --> 00:31:52,509
she didn't have
to be at all the games,
875
00:31:52,544 --> 00:31:54,144
she didn't have to be
at the first game,
876
00:31:55,014 --> 00:31:55,913
you know.
877
00:31:55,948 --> 00:31:58,315
I knew
she supported me,
878
00:31:58,350 --> 00:32:00,284
and I wish
I could've been
879
00:32:00,319 --> 00:32:01,618
mature enough,
880
00:32:02,688 --> 00:32:05,689
to show that
same type of support.
881
00:32:05,724 --> 00:32:08,692
I think after my mom
passed away,
882
00:32:08,727 --> 00:32:11,662
I had, for a long time,
a lot of resentment.
883
00:32:12,164 --> 00:32:13,297
Right?
884
00:32:13,332 --> 00:32:15,198
But I wasn't
thinking about
885
00:32:16,902 --> 00:32:18,168
him.
886
00:32:18,203 --> 00:32:19,469
I was thinking
about myself.
887
00:32:19,505 --> 00:32:21,505
Right? I wasn't
thinking about
888
00:32:21,540 --> 00:32:23,507
what he was
going through,
889
00:32:23,542 --> 00:32:27,277
um, with his job,
and with me.
890
00:32:27,313 --> 00:32:29,947
And having to be home
with a little girl
by yourself,
891
00:32:29,982 --> 00:32:31,481
'cause I'm gone
for months at a time
892
00:32:31,517 --> 00:32:33,317
in north carolina,
taking care of my mom.
893
00:32:33,752 --> 00:32:34,584
Uh...
894
00:32:36,088 --> 00:32:37,854
But I had to get
to a place where
895
00:32:37,890 --> 00:32:39,456
I really thought
that thing through.
896
00:32:39,491 --> 00:32:41,692
And I was, like,
"oh, wait.
897
00:32:41,727 --> 00:32:43,894
I can't even imagine
what he was going through too.
898
00:32:43,929 --> 00:32:46,797
You know, I didn't stop
to think about it."
899
00:32:46,832 --> 00:32:49,499
uh, and then
as we just matured
900
00:32:49,535 --> 00:32:50,934
and got older,
we just...
901
00:32:51,937 --> 00:32:54,638
I started to really
see him, you know.
902
00:32:54,673 --> 00:32:56,139
It wasn't just like,
"oh, this is my husband."
903
00:32:56,175 --> 00:32:58,875
'cause I know
this is this man
904
00:32:58,911 --> 00:33:01,478
who is changing,
just like me as a woman.
905
00:33:01,513 --> 00:33:04,381
Every day we're growing,
every day we're changing.
906
00:33:04,416 --> 00:33:06,917
And I started
to see him change.
907
00:33:06,952 --> 00:33:09,152
I started
to see him soften.
908
00:33:09,188 --> 00:33:11,154
Uh, 'cause
for a very long time,
909
00:33:11,190 --> 00:33:14,491
chance was very hard,
he was very angry.
910
00:33:14,526 --> 00:33:17,527
And I always,
kind of, was, you know,
911
00:33:17,563 --> 00:33:20,697
the thing that I thought
made him better,
912
00:33:20,733 --> 00:33:21,865
'cause I used to
always say,
913
00:33:21,900 --> 00:33:24,001
"I can't
make you happy.
914
00:33:24,036 --> 00:33:26,503
Like, I don't make you happy.
Why are we together?
915
00:33:26,538 --> 00:33:28,438
-Why are we together?"
-hmm.
916
00:33:28,474 --> 00:33:30,774
I used to-- it used to
always be about me,
917
00:33:30,809 --> 00:33:33,010
thinking I had
to be the one that did that,
918
00:33:33,045 --> 00:33:34,911
and then when I
started realizing,
919
00:33:34,947 --> 00:33:36,747
"no, he got
to process his own thing.
920
00:33:36,782 --> 00:33:38,181
And I got
to process my own thing.
921
00:33:38,217 --> 00:33:39,416
I got to stop
trying to make him happy
922
00:33:39,451 --> 00:33:41,718
and make myself
happy first, right?"
923
00:33:41,754 --> 00:33:43,887
I have a lot of respect
for black men.
924
00:33:43,922 --> 00:33:46,390
And I want
the same respect back.
925
00:33:46,425 --> 00:33:49,126
And so, you know, there are
lots of little things
926
00:33:49,161 --> 00:33:51,028
that started
to be better.
927
00:33:51,063 --> 00:33:53,597
You know, like,
his timings was better,
928
00:33:54,433 --> 00:33:58,301
his, uh, listening
improved.
929
00:33:58,337 --> 00:33:59,302
Um...
930
00:34:00,773 --> 00:34:02,305
I didn't try
to fix it so much.
931
00:34:02,341 --> 00:34:05,075
Yeah, he also
was a little less about him.
932
00:34:05,110 --> 00:34:07,878
I mean, that's really
the only way
I can say it, you know.
933
00:34:07,913 --> 00:34:08,812
Um...
934
00:34:08,847 --> 00:34:10,313
I mean, you know,
he's also in the business
935
00:34:10,349 --> 00:34:11,948
where it is
about him.
936
00:34:11,984 --> 00:34:13,984
So that's a trained behavior
that, you know,
937
00:34:14,019 --> 00:34:16,086
you have to remember
when you come home,
938
00:34:16,121 --> 00:34:18,655
that it's about
us here.
939
00:34:18,690 --> 00:34:20,057
Out there, it can be
about you,
940
00:34:20,092 --> 00:34:21,792
and those people
who work for you,
941
00:34:21,827 --> 00:34:25,162
work with you,
but here, we work together.
942
00:34:25,197 --> 00:34:27,697
Marriage
has taught me
943
00:34:29,301 --> 00:34:30,133
respect.
944
00:34:31,036 --> 00:34:33,503
Respect
for someone else,
945
00:34:33,539 --> 00:34:35,672
just as much
as I respect myself.
946
00:34:35,707 --> 00:34:37,307
As a professional
athlete,
947
00:34:37,342 --> 00:34:38,809
and someone
who's catered to,
948
00:34:39,845 --> 00:34:41,344
that was
my reality.
949
00:34:42,347 --> 00:34:44,081
I literally--
950
00:34:44,116 --> 00:34:45,949
people would do
whatever for me.
951
00:34:47,019 --> 00:34:49,953
And you're getting
into a relationship,
952
00:34:49,988 --> 00:34:51,688
you can't be
a professional athlete
953
00:34:51,723 --> 00:34:52,622
in a relationship.
954
00:34:53,125 --> 00:34:54,991
That doesn't work.
955
00:34:55,027 --> 00:34:58,528
I learned
to leave my cleats
956
00:34:59,531 --> 00:35:00,464
at the door,
957
00:35:01,366 --> 00:35:03,433
opposed to bringing
that mentality
958
00:35:03,469 --> 00:35:04,935
in the household
959
00:35:04,970 --> 00:35:06,470
and treating her
960
00:35:06,505 --> 00:35:08,638
like she's
supposed to,
961
00:35:09,541 --> 00:35:10,607
you know--
962
00:35:10,642 --> 00:35:13,376
-acquiesce.
-Acquiesce to, you know, the--
963
00:35:13,412 --> 00:35:15,312
that doesn't
work in a relationship.
964
00:35:15,347 --> 00:35:18,215
She far too valuable
to my life
965
00:35:18,250 --> 00:35:19,483
and to our household,
966
00:35:19,518 --> 00:35:22,619
and I learned that early on,
even before we had kids,
967
00:35:22,654 --> 00:35:27,190
that inside the home,
I was a husband,
968
00:35:28,360 --> 00:35:30,827
and a partner,
and an equal.
969
00:35:30,863 --> 00:35:33,497
Out there,
I was this person
970
00:35:33,532 --> 00:35:35,732
who had accomplished
these great things
971
00:35:35,767 --> 00:35:38,001
that people revered
and admired.
972
00:35:38,036 --> 00:35:39,669
But I never
brought that in,
973
00:35:39,705 --> 00:35:41,505
inside
to our relationship.
974
00:35:43,575 --> 00:35:44,841
I thought that I had
to put on a certain armor
975
00:35:44,877 --> 00:35:46,409
to survive
out here.
976
00:35:47,246 --> 00:35:49,880
Right? So,
that was...
977
00:35:49,915 --> 00:35:51,581
And I thought
that if anybody...
978
00:35:51,617 --> 00:35:53,416
If you think
of anybody understands it,
979
00:35:53,452 --> 00:35:54,518
it's your
life partner.
980
00:35:54,553 --> 00:35:56,486
That they see you like,
981
00:35:56,522 --> 00:35:59,089
"it's not that
he doesn't understand,
982
00:35:59,124 --> 00:36:00,824
he's in his armor,
he's being the man
983
00:36:00,859 --> 00:36:01,892
that I
need him to be,"
984
00:36:01,927 --> 00:36:03,793
or, "she's being the woman
that I need her to be
985
00:36:04,396 --> 00:36:07,597
for us to survive."
986
00:36:07,633 --> 00:36:08,798
uh, and
when you don't...
987
00:36:10,135 --> 00:36:12,102
When you hear
otherwise,
988
00:36:13,305 --> 00:36:15,005
it can be
hurtful.
989
00:36:15,040 --> 00:36:18,008
It could be true that
you're prioritizing wrong.
990
00:36:18,043 --> 00:36:20,443
And I had to come
to terms with that.
991
00:36:20,479 --> 00:36:23,213
Okay, yeah,
we need survival out here,
992
00:36:23,248 --> 00:36:25,282
but when you have
the opportunity to say,
993
00:36:25,317 --> 00:36:26,616
"hey, how you doing?
994
00:36:26,652 --> 00:36:28,351
Don't shy away
from the conversation
995
00:36:28,387 --> 00:36:29,419
and use
the excuse that
996
00:36:29,454 --> 00:36:30,720
you're not familiar
with death."
997
00:36:32,724 --> 00:36:34,224
right? And
I would do that.
998
00:36:34,259 --> 00:36:35,625
I had to come to
grips with that,
999
00:36:35,661 --> 00:36:38,795
that I'm like,
"okay, I can hide
in my work.
1000
00:36:38,830 --> 00:36:40,997
And I don't
have-- this is, man,
this is scary for me."
1001
00:36:41,800 --> 00:36:43,934
because
you've never been
1002
00:36:43,969 --> 00:36:45,702
or you're not accustomed
to saying,
1003
00:36:45,737 --> 00:36:48,471
"maybe you're scared,
but, like, you heard.
1004
00:36:48,507 --> 00:36:52,242
And you need to--
she's never seen
that side of you.
1005
00:36:53,345 --> 00:36:55,145
And this ain't about
being cool
1006
00:36:55,180 --> 00:36:57,547
sexy or, you know,
1007
00:36:57,583 --> 00:37:00,483
this, right now,
she needs you to
1008
00:37:00,519 --> 00:37:02,619
show her something
you've never shown her."
1009
00:37:03,288 --> 00:37:05,088
and that's a lot.
1010
00:37:05,123 --> 00:37:07,057
In being married,
I had also realized
1011
00:37:07,092 --> 00:37:09,492
marriage is not
a solo dance,
1012
00:37:09,528 --> 00:37:12,996
like, you literally
have to consider your family.
1013
00:37:13,031 --> 00:37:15,098
And, like, obviously now
our family has extended
1014
00:37:15,133 --> 00:37:16,299
to our son,
but at that point,
1015
00:37:16,335 --> 00:37:18,668
it was just me and you,
and I'm like,
1016
00:37:18,704 --> 00:37:21,605
"I uprooted my life
and I moved,
1017
00:37:21,640 --> 00:37:23,640
and I went
to graduate school in indiana,
1018
00:37:23,675 --> 00:37:25,108
but I didn't have anyone
to consider then,
1019
00:37:25,143 --> 00:37:26,443
'cause I was
by myself.
1020
00:37:26,478 --> 00:37:28,612
How can I take that
away from him,
1021
00:37:28,647 --> 00:37:30,447
when he now
wants to move
1022
00:37:30,482 --> 00:37:32,515
to do something
that's gonna fulfill him?"
1023
00:37:32,985 --> 00:37:35,018
um, and, you know,
1024
00:37:35,053 --> 00:37:36,519
in planning to be married
for a long time,
1025
00:37:36,555 --> 00:37:38,421
I'm like, there's...
"we have to make the choice
1026
00:37:38,457 --> 00:37:39,623
for each other,
so at some point,
1027
00:37:39,658 --> 00:37:41,491
like, I wanna
do something
1028
00:37:41,526 --> 00:37:43,026
and you'll have to make
that choice for me,
1029
00:37:43,061 --> 00:37:44,361
and I hope
that you'll think back
1030
00:37:44,396 --> 00:37:45,695
and say, "she made
the choice for me.
1031
00:37:45,731 --> 00:37:47,330
Let me
make the choice for her."
1032
00:37:47,366 --> 00:37:48,865
to me,
it's give and take.
1033
00:37:48,900 --> 00:37:50,300
Like, I can't
sit here and say,
1034
00:37:50,335 --> 00:37:51,301
"I wanna spend
my life with you,
1035
00:37:51,336 --> 00:37:52,535
but it's like,
this is gonna make you happy
1036
00:37:52,571 --> 00:37:53,603
but it's not gonna
make me happy,
1037
00:37:53,639 --> 00:37:54,704
so I'm not
gonna do it."
1038
00:37:54,740 --> 00:37:57,874
it's like, I find joy
in you being happy.
1039
00:37:57,909 --> 00:38:00,110
So you were thriving,
you were doing so well.
1040
00:38:00,145 --> 00:38:03,046
I was happy for you,
but I was still--
1041
00:38:03,081 --> 00:38:05,115
I was still unhappy
in my own...
1042
00:38:05,150 --> 00:38:06,549
In what was
going on for me,
1043
00:38:06,585 --> 00:38:08,685
but that didn't take away...
I'm like,
1044
00:38:08,720 --> 00:38:10,287
I wasn't like,
"oh, he needs to quit.
1045
00:38:10,322 --> 00:38:11,488
Let's go back."
1046
00:38:11,523 --> 00:38:13,456
like, I was--
I did say he needs to quit,
1047
00:38:13,492 --> 00:38:14,758
-let's go back, but...
-Yes, you did.
1048
00:38:16,361 --> 00:38:17,761
But I changed
my tune, like...
1049
00:38:18,830 --> 00:38:20,463
Obviously I didn't
push that hard
1050
00:38:20,499 --> 00:38:21,464
'cause we didn't
go back,
1051
00:38:21,500 --> 00:38:23,566
so, I mean, I just...
1052
00:38:23,602 --> 00:38:27,203
To me, marriage
is finding happiness
in your partner's happiness,
1053
00:38:27,239 --> 00:38:30,006
even if
it's not perfect for you
1054
00:38:30,042 --> 00:38:32,876
as a solo
individual.
1055
00:38:32,911 --> 00:38:35,645
I was enthralled
and so proud
1056
00:38:35,681 --> 00:38:40,583
and enamored
by this goddess on stage
1057
00:38:40,619 --> 00:38:42,719
in front of thousands
of people.
1058
00:38:42,754 --> 00:38:44,954
And just one of
the best dancers
I've ever seen.
1059
00:38:45,957 --> 00:38:47,057
And...
1060
00:38:48,226 --> 00:38:50,727
That part is easy, when I
didn't have anything to do,
1061
00:38:50,762 --> 00:38:52,095
of course,
I was there.
1062
00:38:52,130 --> 00:38:54,564
But when I did have
something to do,
1063
00:38:56,068 --> 00:38:59,903
it took precedent
over what she had to to.
1064
00:38:59,938 --> 00:39:02,372
And that,
I don't like.
1065
00:39:02,407 --> 00:39:05,508
That's the part
I wish I can go back and undo.
1066
00:39:05,544 --> 00:39:07,877
Me being supportive
of anything else
1067
00:39:07,913 --> 00:39:09,112
she's ever
wanted to do,
1068
00:39:09,915 --> 00:39:11,047
that's easy.
1069
00:39:12,617 --> 00:39:13,717
That's not hard.
1070
00:39:15,120 --> 00:39:17,921
What would've been hard
was me being understanding
1071
00:39:17,956 --> 00:39:22,092
and allowing her
to continue her dream
1072
00:39:23,128 --> 00:39:24,928
whether
she chose to or not.
1073
00:39:26,164 --> 00:39:28,565
I just, man...
1074
00:39:28,600 --> 00:39:29,799
But it wasn't
his decision,
1075
00:39:29,835 --> 00:39:32,035
he didn't make
the decision for me.
I made the decision.
1076
00:39:32,070 --> 00:39:34,637
Although I do appreciate
you saying that.
1077
00:39:34,673 --> 00:39:36,639
It's true.
I think about it all the time.
1078
00:39:37,008 --> 00:39:37,974
Hmm.
1079
00:39:38,009 --> 00:39:40,210
All the time,
and, uh,
1080
00:39:40,245 --> 00:39:43,780
it's...
I'm a fixer.
1081
00:39:43,815 --> 00:39:46,649
Right? I'm a problem solver
and I'm a fixer,
1082
00:39:46,685 --> 00:39:49,319
not only for our family
but every--
1083
00:39:49,354 --> 00:39:50,553
that's what I do.
1084
00:39:50,589 --> 00:39:51,688
And I can't
fix that.
1085
00:39:52,290 --> 00:39:53,289
And it
bothers me.
1086
00:39:53,325 --> 00:39:55,158
I'll always
be indebted to her
1087
00:39:55,193 --> 00:39:56,926
for the sacrifice
she made for us,
1088
00:39:56,962 --> 00:39:59,295
and my career
and our family.
1089
00:40:00,532 --> 00:40:02,198
That's love.
1090
00:40:02,934 --> 00:40:04,200
That's relationship.
1091
00:40:07,539 --> 00:40:10,774
A lot of people think
when you reach a certain age,
1092
00:40:10,809 --> 00:40:12,475
that you're not gonna
get married,
1093
00:40:12,511 --> 00:40:14,144
you're not gonna
find romance,
1094
00:40:14,179 --> 00:40:15,345
you're not gonna have...
1095
00:40:15,380 --> 00:40:16,980
And I'm a witness,
1096
00:40:17,015 --> 00:40:18,515
okay,
to the universe.
1097
00:40:18,550 --> 00:40:20,517
And I was 61,
and you were--
1098
00:40:20,552 --> 00:40:22,952
I was 62, yeah.
1099
00:40:22,988 --> 00:40:25,622
Even our sex life
was like, kids.
1100
00:40:25,657 --> 00:40:26,956
Okay?
1101
00:40:26,992 --> 00:40:28,491
You don't have butterflies
when you're married
for a long time,
1102
00:40:28,527 --> 00:40:29,626
but it's just...
It's different
1103
00:40:29,661 --> 00:40:31,127
-they're different
butterflies.
-It's different.
1104
00:40:31,163 --> 00:40:32,595
-They're not real
butterflies.
-Life's different.
1105
00:40:32,631 --> 00:40:34,431
-In fact. They--
-they're like moths.
1106
00:40:34,466 --> 00:40:37,500
I learned
to do the husband thing
1107
00:40:37,536 --> 00:40:39,002
-when I come back--
-what does that mean?
1108
00:40:39,037 --> 00:40:40,336
-"the husband thing"?
-It's...
1109
00:40:40,372 --> 00:40:42,305
If you learn to serve, you're
not gonna be disappointed,
1110
00:40:42,340 --> 00:40:44,340
if you believe
that's in the job description.
1111
00:40:44,376 --> 00:40:46,843
I hope that all the couples
can talk about the stuff
we talk about.
1112
00:40:46,878 --> 00:40:48,845
-We talk about everything.
-Everything.
1113
00:40:48,880 --> 00:40:50,847
Like, I'll be like,
"hey, man,
1114
00:40:50,882 --> 00:40:52,682
you gotta
give me a heads up."