1
00:00:00,868 --> 00:00:01,867
He was very worried,
2
00:00:01,902 --> 00:00:04,069
but I love that
he didn't hide it.
3
00:00:04,105 --> 00:00:06,338
Because I...
At that part, I don't...
4
00:00:06,374 --> 00:00:07,873
-[laughs]
-that's one thing I love
5
00:00:07,908 --> 00:00:10,542
about our relationship.
There's the truth every...
6
00:00:10,578 --> 00:00:12,311
Even if it sucks,
like, "really,
7
00:00:12,346 --> 00:00:15,214
you're gonna say that?"
but at least I get the truth
8
00:00:15,249 --> 00:00:16,749
every single time.
9
00:00:16,784 --> 00:00:18,217
And, uh...
But during that moment,
10
00:00:18,252 --> 00:00:20,753
I was really afraid, um...
11
00:00:20,788 --> 00:00:22,087
-Yeah.
-But you were there.
12
00:00:22,123 --> 00:00:23,922
-He didn't...
-I was scared.
13
00:00:23,958 --> 00:00:26,258
See, now you're making me
tearing up.
14
00:00:26,293 --> 00:00:29,194
If you can have
a relationship like that
15
00:00:29,230 --> 00:00:31,730
where you can talk
about the things
16
00:00:31,766 --> 00:00:33,432
that you know
17
00:00:33,467 --> 00:00:37,002
may make your partner
uncomfortable,
18
00:00:37,038 --> 00:00:40,539
then now you're really headed
in the right direction.
19
00:00:40,574 --> 00:00:42,041
Yeah. And we have those
all the time.
20
00:00:42,076 --> 00:00:45,344
-That's the key.
-This is a space I can say,
21
00:00:45,379 --> 00:00:48,881
you know, ten years ago,
you know what I'm saying?
22
00:00:48,916 --> 00:00:51,917
Like, I wasn't really
in this space.
23
00:00:51,952 --> 00:00:53,385
-You know what I'm saying?
-No, you weren't.
24
00:00:53,421 --> 00:00:56,355
I wouldn't have been
able to, um...
25
00:00:56,390 --> 00:00:58,557
I wouldn't have been able
to honor this space properly.
26
00:00:58,592 --> 00:01:00,059
-Right.
-You know what I'm saying?
27
00:01:00,094 --> 00:01:03,362
So there had to be...
There had to be a lot.
28
00:01:03,397 --> 00:01:05,097
There had to be
a lot of growing.
29
00:01:05,132 --> 00:01:08,133
[theme music playing]
30
00:01:43,938 --> 00:01:45,003
[alphonso] in the beginning,
31
00:01:45,039 --> 00:01:48,307
I had a fear of abandonment.
32
00:01:48,342 --> 00:01:50,075
And when she wasn't around
33
00:01:50,111 --> 00:01:51,443
or she didn't tell me
34
00:01:51,479 --> 00:01:52,845
how much she cared for me
or anything,
35
00:01:52,880 --> 00:01:54,613
I was like,
"oh, she don't really care."
36
00:01:54,648 --> 00:01:56,682
oh, boy.
It's... Oh, boy.
37
00:01:56,717 --> 00:02:00,119
Um, and one of the two
arguments that we had
38
00:02:00,154 --> 00:02:02,287
I thought, "oh,
it's gonna end in divorce."
39
00:02:02,323 --> 00:02:04,423
because his parents
were married
40
00:02:04,458 --> 00:02:06,758
for his entire life,
41
00:02:06,794 --> 00:02:08,427
when he got married
the first time,
42
00:02:08,462 --> 00:02:10,262
he never thought that
he never get divorced.
43
00:02:10,297 --> 00:02:11,864
That was the furthest thing
44
00:02:11,899 --> 00:02:13,532
from anything
that he desired.
45
00:02:13,567 --> 00:02:15,834
And when the marriage ended
in divorced,
46
00:02:15,870 --> 00:02:18,303
it left him
feeling shaken about
47
00:02:18,339 --> 00:02:20,339
whether our marriage
could last forever.
48
00:02:20,374 --> 00:02:22,875
And it created this kind of
abandonment issues like,
49
00:02:22,910 --> 00:02:24,543
"I don't want my wife
to leave."
50
00:02:24,578 --> 00:02:27,646
um, my dad was a pimp
turned preacher.
51
00:02:27,681 --> 00:02:30,149
-[laughs] so...
-[indistinct]
52
00:02:30,184 --> 00:02:31,884
...He was in the pimp stage
when he was with my mom.
53
00:02:31,919 --> 00:02:34,153
[laughs]
don't say it like that.
54
00:02:34,188 --> 00:02:35,721
Even though that
they were married,
55
00:02:35,756 --> 00:02:37,556
I never really saw them
totally together
56
00:02:37,591 --> 00:02:39,658
and interacting.
57
00:02:39,693 --> 00:02:42,561
I think tank's
perception to that
58
00:02:42,596 --> 00:02:44,363
was totally opposite.
59
00:02:44,398 --> 00:02:45,864
-Yeah. My...
-Completely opposite.
60
00:02:45,900 --> 00:02:48,066
-Completely opposite.
-Which is weird,
61
00:02:48,102 --> 00:02:50,302
because I'm the one
that's always wanted
62
00:02:50,337 --> 00:02:52,504
to be married in a foundation
and all that from the jump.
63
00:02:52,540 --> 00:02:55,007
But he's the one
who was, like, so hesitant.
64
00:02:55,042 --> 00:02:56,808
-But he comes from...
-I come from... Yeah.
65
00:02:56,844 --> 00:02:58,343
...Married parents.
They're still together.
66
00:02:58,379 --> 00:03:00,679
Still together.
The fear which I spoke
67
00:03:00,714 --> 00:03:03,382
about before
came from the fact that
68
00:03:03,417 --> 00:03:06,151
I had a failed marriage.
You know what I mean?
69
00:03:06,187 --> 00:03:08,487
And then failed relationships.
70
00:03:08,522 --> 00:03:10,489
And now I have these kids
71
00:03:10,524 --> 00:03:12,257
and I'm not married.
72
00:03:12,293 --> 00:03:14,893
But I come from...
I come from...
73
00:03:14,929 --> 00:03:16,695
-A married family.
-...Structure and stability.
74
00:03:16,730 --> 00:03:18,096
I come from commitment.
75
00:03:18,132 --> 00:03:20,199
I come from...
You know what I mean?
76
00:03:20,234 --> 00:03:22,367
Sacrifice.
That's where I come from.
77
00:03:22,403 --> 00:03:24,536
And here I am,
78
00:03:24,572 --> 00:03:27,339
the complete opposite.
You know what I mean?
79
00:03:27,374 --> 00:03:31,043
And so, that's where a lot
of that fear came from,
80
00:03:31,078 --> 00:03:33,378
um, is because I just
didn't feel like
81
00:03:33,414 --> 00:03:36,181
I was living up to
how I was raised
82
00:03:36,217 --> 00:03:37,449
and what I was taught.
83
00:03:37,484 --> 00:03:38,917
I mean, early
in our relationship,
84
00:03:38,953 --> 00:03:40,752
we had a, uh...
Not necessarily a problem,
85
00:03:40,788 --> 00:03:42,721
but it was certainly, uh,
a differing of opinion
86
00:03:42,756 --> 00:03:44,556
as it related to religion.
87
00:03:44,592 --> 00:03:45,958
Right?
She grew up in a church.
88
00:03:45,993 --> 00:03:48,093
I did not, right?
89
00:03:48,128 --> 00:03:50,963
Uh, I am a spiritual man,
completely.
90
00:03:50,998 --> 00:03:54,766
But, uh, there's certain ways
of the bible
91
00:03:54,802 --> 00:03:56,235
that I don't agree with
92
00:03:56,270 --> 00:03:57,936
and I was very vocal
about that.
93
00:03:57,972 --> 00:03:59,738
Yeah.
When we started, it was...
94
00:03:59,773 --> 00:04:01,273
It was something that,
kind of, you know...
95
00:04:01,308 --> 00:04:03,742
Sure, I mean her...
The guy that married us
96
00:04:03,777 --> 00:04:05,210
didn't want to marry us
97
00:04:05,246 --> 00:04:07,045
until I came to counseling
for church.
98
00:04:07,081 --> 00:04:08,480
Like listen,
god wouldn't want me
99
00:04:08,515 --> 00:04:09,982
to find him like that.
That's sort of crazy
100
00:04:10,017 --> 00:04:13,952
for you to say that.
So he and I had a rift.
101
00:04:13,988 --> 00:04:15,754
-Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.
-[laughs]
102
00:04:15,789 --> 00:04:18,056
and we got past that and he
ended up marrying us, too.
103
00:04:18,092 --> 00:04:19,658
-We...
-[woman] did he [indistinct]
104
00:04:19,693 --> 00:04:21,093
-no.
-No.
105
00:04:21,128 --> 00:04:22,661
He stood his ground.
106
00:04:22,696 --> 00:04:25,130
And you know what?
At the end of the day,
107
00:04:25,165 --> 00:04:28,634
what I came to respect
about rodney
108
00:04:28,669 --> 00:04:30,335
was that he was not one
109
00:04:30,371 --> 00:04:32,337
and still is not
one to conform.
110
00:04:32,373 --> 00:04:34,106
He gave me
a different viewpoint, right?
111
00:04:34,141 --> 00:04:36,808
He can still, you know,
honor and respect
112
00:04:36,844 --> 00:04:38,343
that there is
a spiritual being
113
00:04:38,379 --> 00:04:40,078
and he be connected to that
114
00:04:40,114 --> 00:04:42,447
and still not diminish
who I was.
115
00:04:42,483 --> 00:04:46,451
-Not at all.
-We never ever considered...
116
00:04:47,855 --> 00:04:49,621
-Divorce.
-Well, yeah, when we did...
117
00:04:49,657 --> 00:04:51,690
Well, when...
And when we first got married.
118
00:04:51,725 --> 00:04:53,959
You know, I should say
I consider divorce,
119
00:04:53,994 --> 00:04:55,794
maybe he say... [laughs]
120
00:04:55,829 --> 00:04:57,429
-maybe in his mind...
-Well, I didn't.
121
00:04:57,464 --> 00:04:59,164
...That they were saying,
"yeah, he didn't."
122
00:04:59,199 --> 00:05:00,599
...Because I felt like...
When she talked
123
00:05:00,634 --> 00:05:02,267
about divorce
is where you're going.
124
00:05:02,303 --> 00:05:03,669
Because wherever you're going,
I'm going.
125
00:05:03,704 --> 00:05:06,104
[laughs] yeah.
We were in this
126
00:05:06,140 --> 00:05:10,008
this early phase
of our marriage, um,
127
00:05:10,044 --> 00:05:14,179
literally before the third
child was born.
128
00:05:14,214 --> 00:05:17,616
Mmm-hmm.
Um, we have this girl...
129
00:05:17,651 --> 00:05:19,184
Uh, it was a couple
of young girls
130
00:05:19,219 --> 00:05:21,953
from the church that used
to always be around.
131
00:05:21,989 --> 00:05:24,823
And during this phase,
132
00:05:24,858 --> 00:05:26,458
I totally remember
133
00:05:26,493 --> 00:05:29,828
because I had a conversation
with my pastor about
134
00:05:29,863 --> 00:05:33,498
how I didn't really like him
when I was pregnant.
135
00:05:33,534 --> 00:05:35,534
Like there was this...
I don't know.
136
00:05:35,569 --> 00:05:37,235
It was just this thing,
like, I didn't like him
137
00:05:37,271 --> 00:05:39,705
like I was always,
like, picking him apart
138
00:05:39,740 --> 00:05:41,373
and, you know,
he would say something,
139
00:05:41,408 --> 00:05:43,175
and I would get so annoyed.
And it was just like
140
00:05:43,210 --> 00:05:45,344
this thing,
I don't know, I went through.
141
00:05:45,379 --> 00:05:46,845
And, um, when he found out
that I was...
142
00:05:46,880 --> 00:05:48,914
-Hormonal.
-Yeah. Hormones and just...
143
00:05:48,949 --> 00:05:50,649
Yeah, it definitely was.
144
00:05:50,684 --> 00:05:52,718
But, um...
And I remember my pastor
145
00:05:52,753 --> 00:05:54,753
when he found that I was
pregnant with the third child,
146
00:05:54,788 --> 00:05:56,421
-he was, like, you know...
-Again?
147
00:05:56,457 --> 00:05:57,923
"...Stop." he was like,
"your marriage
148
00:05:57,958 --> 00:05:59,925
is not gonna be able
to take that.
149
00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:02,327
That's too much, too soon."
150
00:06:02,363 --> 00:06:05,230
when we first got together,
it was intense.
151
00:06:05,265 --> 00:06:07,666
We saw each other every day,
you know.
152
00:06:07,701 --> 00:06:09,368
We weren't living together
or anything like that,
153
00:06:09,403 --> 00:06:11,069
but we were together.
We were...
154
00:06:11,105 --> 00:06:13,672
We did everything together.
Even our friends
155
00:06:13,707 --> 00:06:15,707
made comments about it.
156
00:06:15,743 --> 00:06:18,577
And after we were married
for a little while
157
00:06:18,612 --> 00:06:20,879
and finished hoochie-cooting,
you know, then I'm like,
158
00:06:20,914 --> 00:06:22,581
"okay. Now it's time for me
to go back
159
00:06:22,616 --> 00:06:24,683
to, like, my girlfriends
and go into brunch."
160
00:06:24,718 --> 00:06:26,785
and that kind of thing."
so we had been married
161
00:06:26,820 --> 00:06:30,021
probably about six months,
162
00:06:30,057 --> 00:06:33,692
came home,
and we had a little dog
163
00:06:33,727 --> 00:06:36,795
and he was on 10,
164
00:06:36,830 --> 00:06:40,565
and insistent
that we get rid of the dog,
165
00:06:40,601 --> 00:06:42,601
because he opened
the dog... Door,
166
00:06:42,636 --> 00:06:44,936
and the dog jetted out,
167
00:06:44,972 --> 00:06:48,273
and therefore the dog
didn't wanna be here.
168
00:06:48,308 --> 00:06:49,975
-And he was laughing at me.
-And he was laughing.
169
00:06:50,010 --> 00:06:51,476
Yeah,
that was the other thing.
170
00:06:51,512 --> 00:06:53,111
-The dog...
-"and the dog laughed at me.
171
00:06:53,147 --> 00:06:55,480
I called him, and he turned,
and he laughed at me."
172
00:06:55,516 --> 00:06:57,582
-he did.
-And he was on 10.
173
00:06:57,618 --> 00:07:00,919
And I'm like, "we're not gonna
get rid of the kid's dog."
174
00:07:00,954 --> 00:07:03,955
so, I took a deep breath,
and I just sat,
175
00:07:03,991 --> 00:07:06,291
and I said,
"what is going on here?
176
00:07:06,326 --> 00:07:08,126
What is this really about?"
177
00:07:08,162 --> 00:07:09,961
because this is not
about the dog.
178
00:07:09,997 --> 00:07:11,930
The dog got some issues."
179
00:07:11,965 --> 00:07:15,434
so, I sat back and I said...
180
00:07:15,469 --> 00:07:18,303
Uh, he was and, stomping.
181
00:07:18,338 --> 00:07:22,240
And I said,
"this is the first time
182
00:07:22,276 --> 00:07:24,743
since we've been together
183
00:07:24,778 --> 00:07:27,078
that I've actually
been gone away
184
00:07:27,114 --> 00:07:28,246
with other people.
185
00:07:28,282 --> 00:07:29,514
Like,
that was the first time.
186
00:07:29,550 --> 00:07:31,817
So, I was like,
"oh, so the dog
187
00:07:31,852 --> 00:07:35,520
is a metaphor for me?
I don't wanna be here.
188
00:07:35,556 --> 00:07:37,456
Oh. Oh.
189
00:07:37,491 --> 00:07:39,458
But I couldn't say that
in that moment,
190
00:07:39,493 --> 00:07:40,692
because it was heated
191
00:07:40,727 --> 00:07:42,294
and it was really
about the dog.
192
00:07:42,329 --> 00:07:44,830
So, I have to sit here
and figure out
193
00:07:44,865 --> 00:07:47,165
how to present that to him,
194
00:07:47,201 --> 00:07:49,634
that he could hear it
and not see it as patronizing.
195
00:07:49,670 --> 00:07:52,170
In this early phase
196
00:07:52,206 --> 00:07:54,673
of or marriage
197
00:07:54,708 --> 00:07:58,844
literally before
the third child was born.
198
00:07:58,879 --> 00:08:01,646
-Mmm-hmm.
-Um, we have this girl
199
00:08:01,682 --> 00:08:03,381
who was always swarming around
200
00:08:03,417 --> 00:08:05,784
who they felt was,
201
00:08:05,819 --> 00:08:08,053
you know,
a cute childhood crush.
202
00:08:08,088 --> 00:08:10,555
You know, she would say
sweet things to him
203
00:08:10,591 --> 00:08:12,190
and always stroking his ego.
204
00:08:12,226 --> 00:08:13,959
-Mmm-hmm.
-And all of the stuff.
205
00:08:13,994 --> 00:08:16,228
And so, um, they had some
206
00:08:16,263 --> 00:08:18,363
inappropriate conversations
207
00:08:18,398 --> 00:08:21,299
and, um... That I ended up
finding out about.
208
00:08:21,335 --> 00:08:23,201
-Mmm-hmm.
-Now mind you,
209
00:08:23,237 --> 00:08:24,903
remember I'm from the hood,
right?
210
00:08:24,938 --> 00:08:27,873
So, I wasn't in the church
that long, right? So...
211
00:08:27,908 --> 00:08:29,508
So she ready to cut,
fight, shoot.
212
00:08:29,543 --> 00:08:31,142
I was... Everything.
213
00:08:31,178 --> 00:08:34,579
And it was just, for me...
214
00:08:34,615 --> 00:08:36,047
And I don't know why.
215
00:08:36,083 --> 00:08:37,716
Uh, you know,
it was just a deal breaker.
216
00:08:37,751 --> 00:08:39,184
It was just like,
217
00:08:39,219 --> 00:08:42,087
"no. I'm not gonna
compete emotionally."
218
00:08:42,122 --> 00:08:43,588
like I know
it wasn't physical
219
00:08:43,624 --> 00:08:44,689
and people say that
all the time.
220
00:08:44,725 --> 00:08:46,324
"it wasn't a physical thing."
221
00:08:46,360 --> 00:08:47,826
it still felt the same.
222
00:08:47,861 --> 00:08:49,394
-Mmm-hmm.
-I couldn't differentiate
223
00:08:49,429 --> 00:08:51,263
the emotion
from the physical.
224
00:08:51,298 --> 00:08:55,033
All I knew is that
the feeling of betrayal.
225
00:08:55,068 --> 00:08:58,036
-The feeling of, you know...
-Was the same.
226
00:08:58,071 --> 00:08:59,938
...Was the...
It just felt the same.
227
00:08:59,973 --> 00:09:01,873
It was the same sick feeling
228
00:09:01,909 --> 00:09:03,942
that you entertain
somebody else
229
00:09:03,977 --> 00:09:05,744
outside of our relationship.
230
00:09:05,779 --> 00:09:08,380
That to me registered
the same way.
231
00:09:08,415 --> 00:09:12,183
Temptation is everywhere.
It was coming from everywhere.
232
00:09:12,219 --> 00:09:15,887
Right?
I didn't get any less sexier.
233
00:09:15,923 --> 00:09:18,056
I'm sure that's not
how you say that.
234
00:09:18,091 --> 00:09:21,059
Pretty sure it's less sexy,
but proceed.
235
00:09:22,596 --> 00:09:24,496
We broke up,
then we had a baby.
236
00:09:24,531 --> 00:09:26,631
Then we co-parented.
237
00:09:26,667 --> 00:09:28,433
-For a long time.
-Yes. We co-parented
238
00:09:28,468 --> 00:09:29,834
for about five and a half...
239
00:09:29,870 --> 00:09:31,002
About five and a half,
six years...
240
00:09:31,038 --> 00:09:32,504
-Yeah.
-...I wanna say.
241
00:09:32,539 --> 00:09:33,805
Mmm-hmm. Woke up one day
and I was like,
242
00:09:33,840 --> 00:09:35,173
"I think I'm in love
with her again."
243
00:09:35,208 --> 00:09:37,609
I don't think
you ever stopped.
244
00:09:37,644 --> 00:09:39,311
Yeah. See that's...
245
00:09:39,346 --> 00:09:41,613
But I did always know
if we ever got back together,
246
00:09:41,648 --> 00:09:44,015
it was for forever.
It wasn't gonna be,
247
00:09:44,051 --> 00:09:46,284
"oh, let's date and see
if we can work it out."
248
00:09:46,320 --> 00:09:48,119
no, we had been through
all the stuff.
249
00:09:48,155 --> 00:09:49,688
We're gonna make it
or we're not.
250
00:09:49,723 --> 00:09:51,356
Like, "what are we doing?
251
00:09:51,391 --> 00:09:53,191
I was apprehensive.
252
00:09:53,226 --> 00:09:55,860
I think I was scare...
More scared than anything,
253
00:09:55,896 --> 00:09:59,464
because I truly felt like
she was the one.
254
00:09:59,499 --> 00:10:03,468
And I really didn't
wanna mess it up.
255
00:10:03,503 --> 00:10:05,637
And that was
my whole reservation.
256
00:10:05,672 --> 00:10:08,273
I was like,
"I just need some time.
257
00:10:08,308 --> 00:10:09,641
I just need..."
you know what I mean?
258
00:10:09,676 --> 00:10:11,710
"I need... I...
I'll know what I know.
259
00:10:11,745 --> 00:10:13,979
You know what I mean?
And, you know,
260
00:10:14,014 --> 00:10:16,648
and being able to look at it
in the hindsight,
261
00:10:16,683 --> 00:10:19,884
which is always 20/20,
I could see where...
262
00:10:19,920 --> 00:10:22,153
I was just scared.
I was just, like,
263
00:10:22,189 --> 00:10:23,455
scared to mess it up.
264
00:10:23,490 --> 00:10:25,156
You know what I mean?
And not knowing
265
00:10:25,192 --> 00:10:27,826
if I was in a place
to where I wouldn't.
266
00:10:27,861 --> 00:10:30,195
I remember I had
a conversation with her
267
00:10:30,230 --> 00:10:34,432
and I said, "look,
it's a challenge every day,
268
00:10:35,902 --> 00:10:37,535
uh, to fight off temptation."
269
00:10:37,571 --> 00:10:39,204
and it bothered her
when I told her that.
270
00:10:39,239 --> 00:10:40,805
It did. When he first told me,
I was like, "what?
271
00:10:40,841 --> 00:10:42,874
What do you mean?
We... You're what...
272
00:10:42,909 --> 00:10:45,677
What do you mean it's hard
for you to be faithful
273
00:10:45,712 --> 00:10:48,246
or it's tempting for you
to any of those things
274
00:10:48,281 --> 00:10:51,016
that you're talking about?"
I was a little put off by it.
275
00:10:51,051 --> 00:10:52,717
But because we communicate
so well,
276
00:10:52,753 --> 00:10:54,152
then we, kind of,
had a conversation
277
00:10:54,187 --> 00:10:55,253
about what that...
What it meant.
278
00:10:55,288 --> 00:10:56,755
I told her,
"look, I said,
279
00:10:56,790 --> 00:10:59,591
"just because we're in
a relationship, that...
280
00:10:59,626 --> 00:11:00,892
And married,
281
00:11:00,927 --> 00:11:05,330
that doesn't
eradicate temptation."
282
00:11:05,365 --> 00:11:06,831
or it doesn't it mean
that I'm blind. [laughs]
283
00:11:06,867 --> 00:11:09,768
right? Like, people
are under the assumption
284
00:11:09,803 --> 00:11:12,170
that once you get married,
285
00:11:12,205 --> 00:11:13,772
they give you a pill,
286
00:11:13,807 --> 00:11:15,707
and you are no longer
attracted to anyone else.
287
00:11:15,742 --> 00:11:18,743
Which is inaccurate
on both sides.
288
00:11:18,779 --> 00:11:20,712
For us,
as much as it is for them.
289
00:11:20,747 --> 00:11:22,247
It doesn't work like that.
290
00:11:22,282 --> 00:11:25,050
And I remember I had
a conversation with my dad
291
00:11:25,085 --> 00:11:26,518
and I said...
292
00:11:26,553 --> 00:11:27,786
And this is prior to us
getting married.
293
00:11:27,821 --> 00:11:29,254
I said,
"dad, well, how do you...
294
00:11:29,289 --> 00:11:31,056
How do you stay faithful?
How do you...
295
00:11:31,091 --> 00:11:32,791
How do you do that?"
296
00:11:32,826 --> 00:11:35,760
and he said,
"it's not about her.
297
00:11:35,796 --> 00:11:38,630
It's not about you.
298
00:11:38,665 --> 00:11:41,566
It's about your relationship
with god.
299
00:11:41,601 --> 00:11:44,536
There's forgiveness,
but at the end of the day,
300
00:11:44,571 --> 00:11:46,071
when it's all said and done,
301
00:11:46,106 --> 00:11:48,440
you're going to have to answer
302
00:11:48,475 --> 00:11:52,243
to whatever you did
good and bad.
303
00:11:52,279 --> 00:11:55,113
And if that's a question,
304
00:11:55,148 --> 00:11:57,382
you wanna have to answer
305
00:11:57,417 --> 00:12:00,385
on judgment day,
306
00:12:00,420 --> 00:12:01,886
then go right ahead."
307
00:12:01,922 --> 00:12:03,121
-and that...
-Mmm-hmm.
308
00:12:03,156 --> 00:12:04,255
...Scared the hell out of me.
309
00:12:04,291 --> 00:12:05,457
You have to hold yourself
310
00:12:05,492 --> 00:12:06,624
-accountable, right?
-Mmm-hmm.
311
00:12:06,660 --> 00:12:07,559
-To something.
-Mmm-hmm.
312
00:12:07,594 --> 00:12:09,561
And I think that, um,
313
00:12:09,596 --> 00:12:10,895
we have a level of integrity
314
00:12:10,931 --> 00:12:12,330
when you wanna hold...
315
00:12:12,365 --> 00:12:14,432
Have a level of responsibility
to yourself,
316
00:12:14,468 --> 00:12:16,167
but something higher
than that.
317
00:12:16,203 --> 00:12:17,802
-Sure.
-Um, and I think
318
00:12:17,838 --> 00:12:19,637
that that keeps you grounded.
319
00:12:19,673 --> 00:12:22,807
Allows you to make
really good decisions.
320
00:12:22,843 --> 00:12:24,142
Generally speaking,
most people
321
00:12:24,177 --> 00:12:26,778
who practice religion are...
322
00:12:26,813 --> 00:12:28,847
-Grew up in... Mmm-hmm.
-...Grandfathered into that.
323
00:12:28,882 --> 00:12:30,515
-Mmm-hmm.
-Your parents
324
00:12:30,550 --> 00:12:32,617
and their parents,
it's a long line of religion.
325
00:12:32,652 --> 00:12:34,352
This is not my experience
at all.
326
00:12:34,387 --> 00:12:35,754
So, it's tough.
327
00:12:35,789 --> 00:12:38,089
And I study theology
in college, right?
328
00:12:38,125 --> 00:12:40,358
So I read the bible
three times.
329
00:12:40,393 --> 00:12:41,993
It's, uh...
330
00:12:42,028 --> 00:12:43,762
At times to me.
331
00:12:43,797 --> 00:12:45,597
Especially when you're dealing
in a... In a space where,
332
00:12:45,632 --> 00:12:48,199
uh, things have
to make sense, right?
333
00:12:48,235 --> 00:12:50,668
The bible isn't always there,
right?
334
00:12:50,704 --> 00:12:52,504
But it's, uh,
a credit to this is...
335
00:12:52,539 --> 00:12:54,372
Yesterday, she was able
to say, "you know what?
336
00:12:54,407 --> 00:12:55,774
I'm not mad at that.
Yeah, that does kind of
337
00:12:55,809 --> 00:12:57,208
made sense for me too, right?"
338
00:12:57,244 --> 00:12:59,177
and instead of me
being upset with him
339
00:12:59,212 --> 00:13:01,379
that he was not conforming
340
00:13:01,414 --> 00:13:02,814
to what I grew up in,
341
00:13:02,849 --> 00:13:04,783
it was an opportunity for me
to, kind of,
342
00:13:04,818 --> 00:13:07,786
rethink and reflect on,
"why do I think that?
343
00:13:07,821 --> 00:13:09,354
Is that really true?"
344
00:13:09,389 --> 00:13:12,624
um, just because the bible
says it so, you know,
345
00:13:12,659 --> 00:13:15,393
is that really practical
for what we're dealing with
346
00:13:15,428 --> 00:13:17,195
-in these days and time? So...
-Mmm-hmm.
347
00:13:17,230 --> 00:13:18,897
...Um, it was really
an opportunity for us
348
00:13:18,932 --> 00:13:20,899
to really talk about it.
349
00:13:20,934 --> 00:13:22,901
And I'm just like,
"there's nothing you can say,
350
00:13:22,936 --> 00:13:24,969
there's nothing you can do,
but I'm tired.
351
00:13:25,005 --> 00:13:27,472
And so if whatever
you gotta say,
352
00:13:27,507 --> 00:13:29,841
say it quick because
it's 2:00, I'm going to bed.
353
00:13:29,876 --> 00:13:31,242
And in the morning,
I'm filing for divorce.
354
00:13:31,278 --> 00:13:32,677
End of discussion."
355
00:13:32,712 --> 00:13:34,245
so he says, um...
356
00:13:34,281 --> 00:13:36,981
So as I'm sitting there,
my eyes are closed,
357
00:13:37,017 --> 00:13:39,050
I'm kind of just
listening to him
358
00:13:39,085 --> 00:13:40,552
go on, and on, and on,
359
00:13:40,587 --> 00:13:43,221
and, um,
360
00:13:43,256 --> 00:13:44,989
it was just a thought
in my spirit.
361
00:13:45,025 --> 00:13:46,691
I just literally...
It was...
362
00:13:46,726 --> 00:13:48,326
It was calm and it was sweet,
363
00:13:48,361 --> 00:13:50,495
but it was just like,
you know,
364
00:13:50,530 --> 00:13:52,263
you need to hear your vows.
365
00:13:52,299 --> 00:13:54,232
Like, your wedding vows.
366
00:13:54,267 --> 00:13:56,067
And I laughed, I chuckled,
367
00:13:56,102 --> 00:13:57,902
because he was screaming,
368
00:13:57,938 --> 00:13:59,938
"what did I do?
What did I do?"
369
00:13:59,973 --> 00:14:01,172
you know? [laughs]
370
00:14:01,208 --> 00:14:03,541
and I'm thinking... [sighs]
371
00:14:03,577 --> 00:14:05,276
"well, that's not
gonna happen."
372
00:14:05,312 --> 00:14:07,445
you know what I'm saying?
So, I just sat there
373
00:14:07,480 --> 00:14:09,447
and I, kind of, smiled,
and, you know,
374
00:14:09,482 --> 00:14:11,015
-then he runs over to...
-Mmm-hmm.
375
00:14:11,051 --> 00:14:13,117
...His desk that was, like,
sitting behind us,
376
00:14:13,153 --> 00:14:14,786
and started
snatching out drawers
377
00:14:14,821 --> 00:14:16,354
and papers
are flying everywhere,
378
00:14:16,389 --> 00:14:18,356
and I'm thinking,
"he is... He's lost it."
379
00:14:18,391 --> 00:14:20,091
I mean, I get it, but you...
380
00:14:20,126 --> 00:14:21,960
This is different, okay?
381
00:14:21,995 --> 00:14:24,462
So, he pulls out
this little book.
382
00:14:24,497 --> 00:14:26,197
-Mmm-hmm.
-Which is their... The, um...
383
00:14:26,233 --> 00:14:27,732
As a minister,
he was a young minister,
384
00:14:27,767 --> 00:14:29,467
so it was
his minister handbook.
385
00:14:29,502 --> 00:14:31,269
And he drops down
in front of me
386
00:14:31,304 --> 00:14:33,137
and he starts reading
the vows.
387
00:14:33,173 --> 00:14:36,608
And I just burst out
in tears.
388
00:14:38,078 --> 00:14:41,613
And I knew it was as if
literally my first...
389
00:14:41,648 --> 00:14:43,114
At that particular time, like,
390
00:14:43,149 --> 00:14:45,750
literal, like,
sign from heaven
391
00:14:45,785 --> 00:14:47,552
that this was supposed to be,
392
00:14:47,587 --> 00:14:50,722
because there's no way
in the world
393
00:14:50,757 --> 00:14:51,923
that he could have
come up with...
394
00:14:51,958 --> 00:14:53,157
Like, there's no way.
395
00:14:53,193 --> 00:14:55,126
And he reads all of the vows,
396
00:14:55,161 --> 00:14:57,061
I only hear
the first line of it,
397
00:14:57,097 --> 00:14:59,097
and I'm bawling, crying.
398
00:14:59,132 --> 00:15:01,299
And then I say, "okay.
399
00:15:01,334 --> 00:15:02,734
You know, we'll do it.
400
00:15:02,769 --> 00:15:05,670
This is your one do-over."
401
00:15:05,705 --> 00:15:07,171
and at that point,
402
00:15:07,207 --> 00:15:09,073
there was commitment,
403
00:15:09,109 --> 00:15:10,608
-a renewed...
-Mmm-hmm.
404
00:15:10,644 --> 00:15:11,609
...Commitment.
405
00:15:11,645 --> 00:15:14,345
A renewal of minds
406
00:15:14,381 --> 00:15:16,247
to say, "okay.
407
00:15:16,283 --> 00:15:18,583
We're never gonna come
to this place again
408
00:15:18,618 --> 00:15:19,817
-and divorce..."
-right. Right.
409
00:15:19,853 --> 00:15:22,120
"...Is not ever
on the table again.
410
00:15:22,155 --> 00:15:23,354
We'll figure it out.
411
00:15:23,390 --> 00:15:24,455
And if we make it
through this,
412
00:15:24,491 --> 00:15:25,957
which I believe that we would
413
00:15:25,992 --> 00:15:27,425
because the commitment
was there."
414
00:15:27,460 --> 00:15:30,194
-mmm-hmm.
-"we got this."
415
00:15:30,230 --> 00:15:31,629
it had changed
the dynamic of...
416
00:15:31,665 --> 00:15:33,031
-Mmm-hmm.
-...Like the trust
417
00:15:33,066 --> 00:15:34,999
in our relationship too,
because then I knew
418
00:15:35,035 --> 00:15:37,435
that any temptation
419
00:15:37,470 --> 00:15:40,004
in that type of way
wasn't even about me anymore,
420
00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:41,339
so like,
421
00:15:41,374 --> 00:15:43,341
"oh, he's not trying
to not upset me,
422
00:15:43,376 --> 00:15:45,143
-he's trying to..."
-it's bigger than that.
423
00:15:45,178 --> 00:15:46,110
It's bigger than me.
424
00:15:46,146 --> 00:15:47,478
It... Him being faithful
425
00:15:47,514 --> 00:15:49,948
and being a good man
is bigger than me.
426
00:15:49,983 --> 00:15:51,816
It's rooted in my faith,
my belief,
427
00:15:51,851 --> 00:15:53,651
my relationship with god.
428
00:15:53,687 --> 00:15:55,453
And I explained to her, "look,
429
00:15:55,488 --> 00:15:57,188
it's a challenge every day,
but it's a challenge
430
00:15:57,223 --> 00:15:58,656
I'm willing to do.
431
00:15:58,692 --> 00:16:00,625
Just like anything in life
worth having
432
00:16:00,660 --> 00:16:03,361
and worth seeing
be successful,
433
00:16:03,396 --> 00:16:06,864
I'm willing to step up
to do that."
434
00:16:06,900 --> 00:16:08,199
temptation is everywhere,
435
00:16:08,234 --> 00:16:10,501
it was coming
from everywhere, right?
436
00:16:10,537 --> 00:16:13,871
I didn't get any less sexier.
437
00:16:13,907 --> 00:16:15,406
I'm sure that's not how
you say that.
438
00:16:15,442 --> 00:16:16,541
-But...
-I'm pretty sure
439
00:16:16,576 --> 00:16:18,876
it's less sexy, but proceed.
440
00:16:18,912 --> 00:16:20,478
-Okay.
-[laughs]
441
00:16:20,513 --> 00:16:22,847
this is my marriage and, uh,
442
00:16:22,882 --> 00:16:26,084
this is what I signed up
for forever, right?
443
00:16:26,119 --> 00:16:27,819
So I'm like... I'm like,
444
00:16:27,854 --> 00:16:28,853
"I'm gonna striking out here,
445
00:16:28,888 --> 00:16:30,088
like is it...
446
00:16:30,123 --> 00:16:31,489
It's got to be me." right?
447
00:16:31,524 --> 00:16:33,925
[laughter]
448
00:16:33,960 --> 00:16:35,326
it's me,
you know what I mean?
449
00:16:35,362 --> 00:16:38,062
And so, that's when the fear
450
00:16:38,098 --> 00:16:40,164
sets in of,
451
00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:41,366
"I might not...
452
00:16:41,401 --> 00:16:43,234
I might just not be good
at this."
453
00:16:44,704 --> 00:16:46,738
so, I'm a muslim,
uh, practicing muslim.
454
00:16:46,773 --> 00:16:48,206
Uh, she is not.
455
00:16:48,241 --> 00:16:51,275
Um, she didn't
consider herself
456
00:16:51,311 --> 00:16:54,379
very religious, but very, uh,
a spiritual person.
457
00:16:54,414 --> 00:16:56,280
And I told her
458
00:16:56,316 --> 00:16:58,950
that my religion
meant a lot to me.
459
00:16:58,985 --> 00:17:02,553
And I remember her telling me
460
00:17:02,589 --> 00:17:04,422
that her friends were worried.
461
00:17:04,457 --> 00:17:05,356
-They would...
-I mean...
462
00:17:05,392 --> 00:17:06,257
...They would call her
463
00:17:06,292 --> 00:17:07,725
and be worried.
464
00:17:07,761 --> 00:17:09,394
"are you gonna have
to cover yourself up?
465
00:17:09,429 --> 00:17:10,762
Are you gonna have
to walk behind..."
466
00:17:10,797 --> 00:17:12,764
just all
the stereotypical things
467
00:17:12,799 --> 00:17:14,365
that we hear in america
468
00:17:14,401 --> 00:17:16,601
of what their religion is.
469
00:17:16,636 --> 00:17:18,036
I was like, "first of all,
470
00:17:18,071 --> 00:17:20,038
if you think
I would ever date someone
471
00:17:20,073 --> 00:17:21,639
who would make me
cover myself up
472
00:17:21,674 --> 00:17:23,875
and walk behind him,
then you don't know me."
473
00:17:23,910 --> 00:17:26,411
but it was also
very important for me
474
00:17:26,446 --> 00:17:29,313
to know exactly
what that was or what I was...
475
00:17:29,349 --> 00:17:30,882
-Mmm-hmm.
-...Marrying, uh,
476
00:17:30,917 --> 00:17:33,084
as far as his religion
was concerned.
477
00:17:33,119 --> 00:17:35,653
And so, I called his mom
on the phone one day.
478
00:17:35,688 --> 00:17:37,221
And I was like, "I want you
teach me everything
479
00:17:37,257 --> 00:17:39,791
I need to know
about what this is,
480
00:17:39,826 --> 00:17:41,893
so I can be respectful of it,
481
00:17:41,928 --> 00:17:44,829
so I can, uh, be a part
482
00:17:44,864 --> 00:17:46,898
of whatever I am
can be a part of."
483
00:17:46,933 --> 00:17:49,000
and she explained to me
how they got there,
484
00:17:49,035 --> 00:17:50,234
what it meant.
485
00:17:50,270 --> 00:17:52,236
And really, it was like,
486
00:17:52,272 --> 00:17:54,105
"oh, well,
we feel the same way,
487
00:17:54,140 --> 00:17:55,239
-like, we have the..."
-mmm-hmm.
488
00:17:55,275 --> 00:17:56,240
"...Same core values
489
00:17:56,276 --> 00:17:58,976
and the same moral compass."
490
00:17:59,012 --> 00:18:01,145
it's actually, uh,
amazing religion
491
00:18:01,181 --> 00:18:04,282
and I'm so glad that our boys
492
00:18:04,317 --> 00:18:05,616
get to experience it.
493
00:18:05,652 --> 00:18:07,518
Well, it...
494
00:18:07,554 --> 00:18:10,488
Our... It's... For number one,
it's a religion of peace.
495
00:18:10,523 --> 00:18:13,758
And I was...
I'm very tuned into that
496
00:18:13,793 --> 00:18:16,461
and I wanted her to know
in our relationship,
497
00:18:16,496 --> 00:18:18,696
that's my responsibility,
498
00:18:18,731 --> 00:18:21,966
uh, one of love,
care, nurture,
499
00:18:22,001 --> 00:18:25,503
and respect, and discipline.
500
00:18:25,538 --> 00:18:27,505
Even we were...
When we were broken up,
501
00:18:27,540 --> 00:18:29,340
when we were separated
and not together,
502
00:18:29,375 --> 00:18:31,309
I still knew that I wanted
to be with him.
503
00:18:31,344 --> 00:18:32,844
So it wasn't like
it was a question.
504
00:18:32,879 --> 00:18:35,046
With him, I felt like
he was defining himself,
505
00:18:35,081 --> 00:18:37,381
figuring out
where he wanna be,
506
00:18:37,417 --> 00:18:39,650
who he wanna be with,
and that whole thing.
507
00:18:39,686 --> 00:18:41,052
And I was just like...
508
00:18:41,087 --> 00:18:42,653
And I think he finally
said that to me,
509
00:18:42,689 --> 00:18:44,055
because you were
just like, you know,
510
00:18:44,090 --> 00:18:45,723
"I've just been trying
to find my way."
511
00:18:45,758 --> 00:18:48,493
but for me, I always knew
512
00:18:48,528 --> 00:18:51,496
that it was the situation
in a sense, so...
513
00:18:51,531 --> 00:18:54,198
And I just got out of a, what,
five-year relationship.
514
00:18:54,234 --> 00:18:55,867
-Yeah.
-So, I was...
515
00:18:55,902 --> 00:18:57,869
I... In my mind,
516
00:18:57,904 --> 00:19:00,738
I thought I was
in a relationship
517
00:19:00,773 --> 00:19:03,174
that was probably
gonna work out,
518
00:19:03,209 --> 00:19:04,575
you know,
a different kind of way
519
00:19:04,611 --> 00:19:05,977
and then it didn't.
520
00:19:06,012 --> 00:19:08,212
You know what I mean?
So, I'm like...
521
00:19:08,248 --> 00:19:09,714
I'm like, "I'm gonna striking
out here.
522
00:19:09,749 --> 00:19:12,483
Like is it,
it's got to be me, right?"
523
00:19:12,519 --> 00:19:14,385
[laughter]
524
00:19:14,420 --> 00:19:16,087
it's me,
you know what I mean?
525
00:19:16,122 --> 00:19:18,589
And so, that's when the fear
526
00:19:18,625 --> 00:19:21,993
sets in of I might not...
527
00:19:22,028 --> 00:19:23,928
I might just not be good
at this.
528
00:19:23,963 --> 00:19:26,898
Me believing
that I was up for the task
529
00:19:26,933 --> 00:19:29,700
was more of me
putting pressure on myself
530
00:19:29,736 --> 00:19:31,335
to be up for the task.
531
00:19:31,371 --> 00:19:35,339
And it was really
about taking the leap,
532
00:19:35,375 --> 00:19:36,374
you know what I mean?
533
00:19:36,409 --> 00:19:38,376
And, you know...
534
00:19:38,411 --> 00:19:42,046
And being ready to climb
535
00:19:42,081 --> 00:19:44,749
whatever hill came after that.
536
00:19:44,784 --> 00:19:48,753
Even in two years of marriage,
537
00:19:48,788 --> 00:19:51,622
that's still a process.
538
00:19:51,658 --> 00:19:54,559
The arguments
that we've had have,
539
00:19:54,594 --> 00:19:55,793
from my perspective,
540
00:19:55,828 --> 00:19:59,397
been more about us,
541
00:19:59,432 --> 00:20:02,600
what's happening internally
with external pressures
542
00:20:02,635 --> 00:20:06,604
and not recognizing
that we're stressed
543
00:20:06,639 --> 00:20:08,739
about holding things
together until...
544
00:20:08,775 --> 00:20:10,608
Not recognizing that
545
00:20:10,643 --> 00:20:13,244
until then it comes out in,
546
00:20:13,279 --> 00:20:15,213
"you left
the toothpaste top off,
547
00:20:15,248 --> 00:20:17,148
you don't love me.
548
00:20:17,183 --> 00:20:18,950
We need to figure..."
you know?
549
00:20:18,985 --> 00:20:20,418
And it's like...
550
00:20:20,453 --> 00:20:23,087
And the thing that helped me
was to realize
551
00:20:23,122 --> 00:20:26,257
that she's never personally
552
00:20:26,292 --> 00:20:28,793
doing something to hurt me.
553
00:20:28,828 --> 00:20:31,762
When... Even, you know, like,
554
00:20:31,798 --> 00:20:33,631
the things that have happened,
555
00:20:33,666 --> 00:20:35,600
if I say to myself,
556
00:20:35,635 --> 00:20:38,603
"okay. Does...
Is erica really personally
557
00:20:38,638 --> 00:20:39,971
trying to hurt you
558
00:20:40,006 --> 00:20:42,106
or is this how
you think about it?"
559
00:20:42,141 --> 00:20:43,908
a hundred percent
of it is never,
560
00:20:43,943 --> 00:20:45,610
-"I wanna hurt you."
-yeah.
561
00:20:45,645 --> 00:20:48,112
That it is,
"you need to hear my heart,
562
00:20:48,147 --> 00:20:50,748
that you did something
that your impact
563
00:20:50,783 --> 00:20:52,283
is different
from your intent."
564
00:20:52,318 --> 00:20:54,919
and I know your intent
was not to hurt me,
565
00:20:54,954 --> 00:20:56,921
but the impact
was that it did
566
00:20:56,956 --> 00:21:00,324
and I need to not
say it in the moment
567
00:21:00,360 --> 00:21:02,426
because if I do, it's not
gonna come out like that.
568
00:21:02,462 --> 00:21:03,861
So let me take
a couple of minutes
569
00:21:03,896 --> 00:21:05,763
and get myself together,
so I can just come back
570
00:21:05,798 --> 00:21:07,965
and say, "I didn't like that."
571
00:21:08,001 --> 00:21:09,767
it was a little bit
more challenging
572
00:21:09,802 --> 00:21:11,135
when we had children,
573
00:21:11,170 --> 00:21:15,006
because even though,
I'm half mexican,
574
00:21:15,041 --> 00:21:17,141
so I grew up
in a very catholic family.
575
00:21:17,176 --> 00:21:18,776
Like, my grandmother
is very catholic.
576
00:21:18,811 --> 00:21:20,478
We went to church
on christmas day and easter,
577
00:21:20,513 --> 00:21:21,712
and all those kind of things.
578
00:21:21,748 --> 00:21:24,215
And when you have kids,
as you know,
579
00:21:24,250 --> 00:21:27,151
you want them to grow up
in like you did
580
00:21:27,186 --> 00:21:28,519
and celebrate
all the amazing things
581
00:21:28,554 --> 00:21:30,121
that made your childhood
so great.
582
00:21:30,156 --> 00:21:31,789
The first year,
it wasn't a big deal,
583
00:21:31,824 --> 00:21:33,024
because our son
was really young
584
00:21:33,059 --> 00:21:35,059
and my family
out in riverside,
585
00:21:35,094 --> 00:21:36,460
we would just to go
586
00:21:36,496 --> 00:21:38,029
do christmas eve
at their house,
587
00:21:38,064 --> 00:21:40,031
-which originally...
-When they do christmas eve,
588
00:21:40,066 --> 00:21:42,800
-they do christmas eve.
-Yeah. We sing, we drink...
589
00:21:42,835 --> 00:21:44,535
-It's...
-...We open one gift,
590
00:21:44,570 --> 00:21:46,871
-everybody opens one gift...
-It's a... It's a production.
591
00:21:46,906 --> 00:21:48,406
It's fun.
It's like the one time
592
00:21:48,441 --> 00:21:50,041
-everybody gets off
-...The first year, I'm...
593
00:21:50,076 --> 00:21:51,409
...So everybody
could still be together.
594
00:21:51,444 --> 00:21:52,877
...I'm like...
595
00:21:52,912 --> 00:21:54,211
Well, before we went,
he's like,
596
00:21:54,247 --> 00:21:55,579
"I'm not singing no songs,
597
00:21:55,615 --> 00:21:57,148
-I'm not opening no presents."
-I'm...
598
00:21:57,183 --> 00:21:58,883
I'm straight military
on them.
599
00:21:58,918 --> 00:22:00,918
I was like, "okay, fine.
You don't have to."
600
00:22:00,953 --> 00:22:02,053
-now...
-I'm an idiot.
601
00:22:02,088 --> 00:22:03,087
...When we got there,
602
00:22:03,122 --> 00:22:04,255
we're all singing out songs,
603
00:22:04,290 --> 00:22:05,256
and opening gifts,
604
00:22:05,291 --> 00:22:06,190
and playing all these games,
605
00:22:06,225 --> 00:22:07,425
he was like,
606
00:22:07,460 --> 00:22:08,659
-"I wanna do the...
-I was like,
607
00:22:08,695 --> 00:22:10,094
"I don't get
to sing a song?"
608
00:22:10,129 --> 00:22:11,896
"I wanna do the 12 days
of christmas, please."
609
00:22:11,931 --> 00:22:13,597
and we're like, "oh, no, no,
you don't wanna partake.
610
00:22:13,633 --> 00:22:14,832
You don't get
a day of christmas."
611
00:22:14,867 --> 00:22:16,434
so then he started
to loosen up
612
00:22:16,469 --> 00:22:18,002
about it a little bit
and see that from my family,
613
00:22:18,037 --> 00:22:20,071
it wasn't really
a religious thing as much.
614
00:22:20,106 --> 00:22:21,772
But when our kids got older,
and therefore,
615
00:22:21,808 --> 00:22:23,541
I wanted to celebrate
those things with them
616
00:22:23,576 --> 00:22:24,842
or we wanna...
617
00:22:24,877 --> 00:22:27,278
So I think our son
was like, two,
618
00:22:27,313 --> 00:22:28,579
I was, like, two and a half
619
00:22:28,614 --> 00:22:30,114
going on three,
and I was like, "okay,
620
00:22:30,149 --> 00:22:31,849
so it's time to talk
about the christmas tree."
621
00:22:31,884 --> 00:22:33,517
she said, "I want a christmas
tree." I'm like, "no."
622
00:22:33,553 --> 00:22:35,519
I want a christmas tree
and he was like, "nope."
623
00:22:35,555 --> 00:22:37,888
I was like,
"listen, we're not...
624
00:22:37,924 --> 00:22:40,891
We... It has to be
where I respect you
625
00:22:40,927 --> 00:22:42,960
and what you believe
and you have to offer
626
00:22:42,995 --> 00:22:44,061
-the same respect to me."
-yeah.
627
00:22:44,097 --> 00:22:45,029
I'm not telling you
628
00:22:45,064 --> 00:22:45,930
that we're gonna go
629
00:22:45,965 --> 00:22:46,964
celebrate jesus christ.
630
00:22:46,999 --> 00:22:48,366
I'm not doing any of that.
631
00:22:48,401 --> 00:22:49,900
I'm asking you
to get a christmas tree,
632
00:22:49,936 --> 00:22:52,570
so our son can decorate
the christmas tree
633
00:22:52,605 --> 00:22:54,405
and we can celebrate
how we...
634
00:22:54,440 --> 00:22:56,073
How I celebrate what that is.
635
00:22:56,109 --> 00:22:58,242
-Sounds good. No.
-The man, "no."
636
00:22:58,277 --> 00:22:59,710
-[laughter]
-I was like,
637
00:22:59,746 --> 00:23:01,879
"oh, this is...
This is gonna be a problem."
638
00:23:01,914 --> 00:23:03,981
-I was like, "yeah, yeah,
I get it."
-and it's the first time we...
639
00:23:04,016 --> 00:23:05,916
It's the first time we had,
640
00:23:05,952 --> 00:23:07,918
like, a situation
when it came to our religion.
641
00:23:07,954 --> 00:23:09,320
I'm like, "yeah,
I feel you, sister.
642
00:23:09,355 --> 00:23:11,055
Yeah, yeah,
you wanna do that, but no."
643
00:23:11,090 --> 00:23:13,657
-yeah.
-It was... It was...
It was bad.
644
00:23:13,693 --> 00:23:15,726
She let me know, "listen,
645
00:23:15,762 --> 00:23:17,928
I'm not going
through another divorce.
646
00:23:17,964 --> 00:23:20,331
I'm not... I'm not desperate,
647
00:23:20,366 --> 00:23:23,167
but it's not...
I'm not here to get a divorce,
648
00:23:23,202 --> 00:23:25,469
so if problems,
you know, arise,
649
00:23:25,505 --> 00:23:27,972
we can work it out, you know,
650
00:23:28,007 --> 00:23:31,041
uh, quit using
that divorce word."
651
00:23:31,911 --> 00:23:36,414
[man speaking]
652
00:23:36,449 --> 00:23:38,215
you wanna go there?
653
00:23:38,251 --> 00:23:41,919
-A lot.
-[laughter]
654
00:23:41,954 --> 00:23:45,423
you know what? Man, um,
655
00:23:45,458 --> 00:23:49,093
a lot of...
A lot of my mishaps
656
00:23:49,128 --> 00:23:51,429
and poor decision-making
657
00:23:51,464 --> 00:23:54,231
had a lot to do with me
being an entertainer.
658
00:23:54,267 --> 00:23:57,168
Um, I'll leave with
659
00:23:58,438 --> 00:24:00,805
the entertainer industry
660
00:24:00,840 --> 00:24:02,907
doesn't promote healthy.
661
00:24:02,942 --> 00:24:04,475
You know what I mean?
662
00:24:04,510 --> 00:24:08,846
It doesn't... It doesn't
promote prosperity
663
00:24:08,881 --> 00:24:11,515
in the things
that we grew up in,
664
00:24:11,551 --> 00:24:13,684
it doesn't promote that.
665
00:24:13,719 --> 00:24:17,087
Um, and I've...
I, all of a sudden,
666
00:24:17,123 --> 00:24:21,625
become this artist
that's like the sex symbol,
667
00:24:21,661 --> 00:24:24,695
and I'm straight from church,
668
00:24:24,730 --> 00:24:27,865
[clears throat] and now,
I have this different...
669
00:24:27,900 --> 00:24:31,635
This different access
and this different notoriety,
670
00:24:31,671 --> 00:24:35,840
like, that will messed you up.
671
00:24:35,875 --> 00:24:37,608
You know what I mean?
As a kid, you know,
672
00:24:37,643 --> 00:24:39,543
coming from the dmv
and just...
673
00:24:39,579 --> 00:24:41,312
And just trying to sing,
674
00:24:41,347 --> 00:24:43,280
and used to just
being a background singer
675
00:24:43,316 --> 00:24:44,448
for ginuwine,
and, you know,
676
00:24:44,484 --> 00:24:45,616
used to playing backup,
and now,
677
00:24:45,651 --> 00:24:47,551
they're screaming your name.
678
00:24:47,587 --> 00:24:50,654
And you're like, "I wonder
why they're screaming my name.
679
00:24:50,690 --> 00:24:52,890
And... Well, let's see."
680
00:24:52,925 --> 00:24:56,894
um, and so you start
to take advantage
681
00:24:56,929 --> 00:24:59,396
of that access.
682
00:24:59,432 --> 00:25:02,566
And before you know it...
683
00:25:02,602 --> 00:25:05,135
Before you know it,
it's not even...
684
00:25:05,171 --> 00:25:07,071
It's not even a thought
685
00:25:07,106 --> 00:25:09,073
of if you should partake,
686
00:25:09,108 --> 00:25:11,709
it just become second nature.
687
00:25:11,744 --> 00:25:12,843
And so
688
00:25:14,714 --> 00:25:16,380
you have to go
through a process
689
00:25:16,415 --> 00:25:20,184
of killing those bad habits.
690
00:25:20,219 --> 00:25:21,752
You know what I mean?
Which have...
691
00:25:21,787 --> 00:25:25,322
Which are deeply embedded
and rooted
692
00:25:25,358 --> 00:25:27,324
into everything...
693
00:25:27,360 --> 00:25:30,261
Not just you, but everything
that surrounds you.
694
00:25:30,296 --> 00:25:34,164
Getting to this point
with her was like,
695
00:25:34,200 --> 00:25:37,101
you know, it was...
It was hard.
696
00:25:37,136 --> 00:25:38,702
You know what I mean?
But it was, uh...
697
00:25:38,738 --> 00:25:41,438
It was... It was
absolutely worth it.
698
00:25:41,474 --> 00:25:46,343
My sister is married
and her husband isn't muslim.
699
00:25:46,379 --> 00:25:49,947
And I remember
seeing pictures of...
700
00:25:49,982 --> 00:25:51,682
And I'm like, "oh, so you got
a christmas tree
701
00:25:51,717 --> 00:25:53,350
-in the house, huh?
Jamela, I'm..."
-come on, see.
702
00:25:53,386 --> 00:25:54,785
I'm like, "jamela, uh, sister,
703
00:25:54,820 --> 00:25:56,754
you got a christmas tree
in your house, huh?"
704
00:25:56,789 --> 00:25:59,423
and she is like, "boy, nobody
got no time for all of that."
705
00:25:59,458 --> 00:26:02,459
like, she just...
I had a conversation with her
706
00:26:02,495 --> 00:26:05,396
and she had... She really
opened me up to look,
707
00:26:05,431 --> 00:26:08,566
uh, you're just not in
the marriage yourself, right?
708
00:26:08,601 --> 00:26:11,468
You have to...
There has to be give and take.
709
00:26:11,504 --> 00:26:15,272
You guys have to be able
to co-exist
710
00:26:15,308 --> 00:26:18,375
and enjoy things
that one another like to do.
711
00:26:18,411 --> 00:26:20,077
And by the next year,
actually,
712
00:26:20,112 --> 00:26:23,981
our son had been old enough
to like during ramadan...
713
00:26:24,016 --> 00:26:26,817
-Mmm-hmm.
-...Partake in that with him.
714
00:26:26,852 --> 00:26:28,485
-And which is, of course...
-Which is...
715
00:26:28,521 --> 00:26:30,554
...I want him to do.
So ramadan, the month...
716
00:26:30,590 --> 00:26:33,157
Why am I explaining it?
You can explain it.
717
00:26:33,192 --> 00:26:35,626
-That's... You're in tuned,
you're locked in.
-Yes.
718
00:26:35,661 --> 00:26:38,963
Um, ramadan in the, uh,
the islamic religion,
719
00:26:38,998 --> 00:26:40,798
muslim religion
is our holy month
720
00:26:40,833 --> 00:26:42,633
where we fast for 30 days.
721
00:26:42,668 --> 00:26:45,102
-She was gracious...
-I did.
722
00:26:45,137 --> 00:26:46,470
...Enough to fast with me.
723
00:26:46,505 --> 00:26:47,972
Be... It's just
about understanding.
724
00:26:48,007 --> 00:26:49,907
Yeah. Number one, understand
725
00:26:49,942 --> 00:26:51,575
the other person, right?
726
00:26:51,611 --> 00:26:53,143
I'm like, "I ain't never
had no christmas tree.
727
00:26:53,179 --> 00:26:54,445
I ain't getting
no christmas tree."
728
00:26:54,480 --> 00:26:55,846
right? Like,
that was my mentality.
729
00:26:55,881 --> 00:26:57,748
That's how I grew up.
730
00:26:57,783 --> 00:27:00,184
-But she was like, "but...
-I'm a... But I'm fasting?
731
00:27:00,219 --> 00:27:02,853
...We always...
Right, that was the thing.
732
00:27:02,888 --> 00:27:06,190
-She was like...
-And our son,
who's also my son,
733
00:27:06,225 --> 00:27:08,325
who's also half of me,
734
00:27:08,361 --> 00:27:10,361
is participating in what
you participate in.
735
00:27:10,396 --> 00:27:12,029
-Mmm-hmm.
-So there's no way
you're gonna tell me
736
00:27:12,064 --> 00:27:13,297
that he's not
gonna participate
737
00:27:13,332 --> 00:27:14,632
in what I participate in.
738
00:27:14,667 --> 00:27:16,200
So by the second year,
739
00:27:16,235 --> 00:27:18,669
I had a little bit of more,
740
00:27:18,704 --> 00:27:20,337
like, ground to stand on
where I would say...
741
00:27:20,373 --> 00:27:22,306
But it wasn't even that,
it was just... I was more...
742
00:27:22,341 --> 00:27:24,441
-And he had involved. Yes.
-...Open in...
743
00:27:24,477 --> 00:27:26,343
...And you have to evolve
in your marriage.
744
00:27:26,379 --> 00:27:28,312
She let me know, "listen,
745
00:27:28,347 --> 00:27:30,814
I'm not going through
another divorce.
746
00:27:30,850 --> 00:27:33,283
I'm not... I'm not desperate
747
00:27:33,319 --> 00:27:36,020
but it's not...
I'm not here to get a divorce.
748
00:27:36,055 --> 00:27:39,623
So if problems, you know,
arise, we can work it out,
749
00:27:39,659 --> 00:27:43,827
you know, uh, quit
using that divorce word.
750
00:27:43,863 --> 00:27:45,462
You know, quit using it."
so now,
751
00:27:45,498 --> 00:27:47,564
we don't even say it,
you know.
752
00:27:47,600 --> 00:27:49,700
Uh, we... And I'm gonna
tell you, too.
753
00:27:49,735 --> 00:27:52,670
In the 10 years, I don't think
we've ever slept apart.
754
00:27:52,705 --> 00:27:54,071
-Uh-uh.
-I think you tried
to sleep and...
755
00:27:54,106 --> 00:27:55,339
-Oh, yeah.
-...I went out there,
756
00:27:55,374 --> 00:27:56,507
I was like,
"well, uh, scoot over."
757
00:27:56,542 --> 00:27:57,641
I tried to sleep
on the couch.
758
00:27:57,677 --> 00:27:59,176
-Scoot... Well, I'm...
-Out here on the couch.
759
00:27:59,211 --> 00:28:00,577
You better scoot over.
760
00:28:00,613 --> 00:28:02,513
No, he came and laid
a pallet on the floor...
761
00:28:02,548 --> 00:28:03,647
-Yeah.
-...Next to the couch.
762
00:28:03,683 --> 00:28:05,082
-Yeah.
-And I was like, "okay.
763
00:28:05,117 --> 00:28:06,750
Old man,
let's go get in the bed,
764
00:28:06,786 --> 00:28:08,552
because you're gonna wake up
talking about your hip."
765
00:28:08,587 --> 00:28:11,889
during that moment,
I was really afraid, um...
766
00:28:11,924 --> 00:28:13,357
-Yeah.
-...But you were there.
767
00:28:13,392 --> 00:28:15,325
-He didn't get scared.
-I was scared.
768
00:28:15,361 --> 00:28:16,493
See, now you're
making me tear up.
769
00:28:16,529 --> 00:28:17,428
-Oh.
-[laughter]
770
00:28:18,798 --> 00:28:20,330
I had, uh, a surgery,
uh, scare
771
00:28:20,366 --> 00:28:22,666
with fibroids because,
you know,
772
00:28:22,702 --> 00:28:25,302
that happens to a lot
of us black women.
773
00:28:25,337 --> 00:28:28,338
And, uh,
and what's funny is...
774
00:28:28,374 --> 00:28:30,808
Not funny,
but I was more concerned
775
00:28:30,843 --> 00:28:33,343
with where they put the tube
in my throat, because...
776
00:28:33,379 --> 00:28:35,112
-Yeah.
-...I'm a... I'm a singer.
777
00:28:35,147 --> 00:28:36,480
I said, "honey, make sure
778
00:28:36,515 --> 00:28:38,015
they don't put that
in my throat,"
779
00:28:38,050 --> 00:28:40,350
as I'm fading away
on anesthesia, [laughs]
780
00:28:40,386 --> 00:28:42,920
and the doctor was, like,
"we may have to do it."
781
00:28:42,955 --> 00:28:45,155
I think he probably told him,
"don't tell her the truth."
782
00:28:45,191 --> 00:28:46,623
-yeah, they did.
-"don't tell her.
783
00:28:46,659 --> 00:28:48,358
Because she won't go
and get the help,"
784
00:28:48,394 --> 00:28:50,761
because it was...
When he met me,
785
00:28:50,796 --> 00:28:52,496
I was full of energy
and all this...
786
00:28:52,531 --> 00:28:54,598
You know, and he's seen me
787
00:28:54,633 --> 00:28:57,534
change into this different,
uh, person.
788
00:28:57,570 --> 00:28:59,703
So the challenge was,
789
00:28:59,739 --> 00:29:01,839
"gosh, do I have the operation
790
00:29:01,874 --> 00:29:04,708
to get this thing,
uh, removed,
791
00:29:04,744 --> 00:29:06,310
so that I...
This fibroid removed,
792
00:29:06,345 --> 00:29:08,178
so I can have myself back?"
793
00:29:08,214 --> 00:29:10,180
and, uh,
we went through that.
794
00:29:10,216 --> 00:29:12,116
I'd never seen him so afraid.
795
00:29:12,151 --> 00:29:14,985
Like, that was the first time
I've ever seen ron just...
796
00:29:15,020 --> 00:29:17,354
I saw you just freaked out.
797
00:29:17,389 --> 00:29:21,024
What I do remember is...
That second argument,
798
00:29:21,060 --> 00:29:25,362
what I do remember
is that was in 2013,
799
00:29:25,397 --> 00:29:27,364
and his father
was in the hospital...
800
00:29:27,399 --> 00:29:28,365
-Oh, that's right.
-...And my mother
was in the hospital.
801
00:29:28,400 --> 00:29:29,633
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
802
00:29:29,668 --> 00:29:31,368
Both of them
were in the hospital
803
00:29:31,403 --> 00:29:33,470
and both of us afraid.
804
00:29:33,506 --> 00:29:35,672
My mother had been diagnosed
with cancer,
805
00:29:35,708 --> 00:29:38,742
his father was approaching 80
and had health issues,
806
00:29:38,778 --> 00:29:40,544
-and we were both scared.
-Mmm-hmm.
807
00:29:40,579 --> 00:29:43,247
And, uh, it was... It was...
It had to be something stupid,
808
00:29:43,282 --> 00:29:44,681
because we can't
even remember what it was.
809
00:29:44,717 --> 00:29:45,883
Yeah. Can't remember it.
810
00:29:45,918 --> 00:29:48,051
But we both were just like,
811
00:29:48,087 --> 00:29:49,753
-[makes sound]
-yeah.
812
00:29:49,789 --> 00:29:52,890
And then I was like, "okay.
813
00:29:52,925 --> 00:29:54,758
I need to get in the car
and drive,"
814
00:29:54,794 --> 00:29:57,027
-which triggered abandonment.
-Mmm-hmm.
815
00:29:57,062 --> 00:30:00,397
You cannot leave,
which triggered control.
816
00:30:00,432 --> 00:30:02,833
-I can do what I wanna do.
-[chuckles]
817
00:30:02,868 --> 00:30:06,170
[chuckles]
so, that was like...
818
00:30:06,205 --> 00:30:07,871
-Yeah.
-[makes sound]
819
00:30:07,907 --> 00:30:11,008
thank god, we're not
physical people, you know.
820
00:30:11,043 --> 00:30:13,443
But we both, you know,
have an energy that's,
821
00:30:13,479 --> 00:30:15,012
like, "no."
822
00:30:15,047 --> 00:30:17,447
um, but we were...
It... And it was...
823
00:30:17,483 --> 00:30:20,417
And I don't even know how it
stopped,
824
00:30:20,452 --> 00:30:22,686
but somehow, we've realized,
825
00:30:22,721 --> 00:30:25,622
like, we're both insane
in this moment.
826
00:30:25,658 --> 00:30:28,592
Yeah. And it ended with us
both sitting down,
827
00:30:28,627 --> 00:30:30,394
not even touching
or embracing each other,
828
00:30:30,429 --> 00:30:32,396
but we both were just crying.
829
00:30:32,431 --> 00:30:35,032
And I was just like,
830
00:30:35,067 --> 00:30:39,870
"our parents' mortality
is in front of us."
831
00:30:39,905 --> 00:30:43,073
and we have never talked
about how scary that is.
832
00:30:43,108 --> 00:30:44,474
Right.
833
00:30:44,510 --> 00:30:45,909
I got diagnosed
834
00:30:45,945 --> 00:30:48,111
with crohn's disease
in April 1st,
835
00:30:48,147 --> 00:30:50,280
-April fools' day, 1997...
-Mmm-hmm.
836
00:30:50,316 --> 00:30:53,317
...So I would have
a lot of stomach pains
837
00:30:53,352 --> 00:30:55,719
and just couldn't eat.
I would have a desire to eat.
838
00:30:55,754 --> 00:30:58,889
Um, I would want to eat,
but when I would start to eat,
839
00:30:58,924 --> 00:31:00,657
then I would have
a lot of pain.
840
00:31:00,693 --> 00:31:01,959
Um, so I was going
to the doctor,
841
00:31:01,994 --> 00:31:03,260
they just couldn't
figure it out.
842
00:31:03,295 --> 00:31:04,728
"maybe you have an ulcer,
maybe you have this,
843
00:31:04,763 --> 00:31:06,630
maybe you have that."
it was challenging,
844
00:31:06,665 --> 00:31:08,565
I think, to wanna open up
845
00:31:08,601 --> 00:31:10,434
with someone
that you're intimate with,
846
00:31:10,469 --> 00:31:12,436
someone that you knew, um,
847
00:31:12,471 --> 00:31:15,906
to, um, to say that I have
an autoimmune disease
848
00:31:15,941 --> 00:31:17,174
that's not curable,
849
00:31:17,209 --> 00:31:19,109
and these are the things
that happened.
850
00:31:19,144 --> 00:31:21,144
Um, and I know that rodney,
at one point,
851
00:31:21,180 --> 00:31:23,113
has shared with me,
that he had dated someone
852
00:31:23,148 --> 00:31:25,282
who had had
some medical issues
853
00:31:25,317 --> 00:31:28,085
and how it was kind of
disparaging for him,
854
00:31:28,120 --> 00:31:29,786
and he really didn't like it,
and so...
855
00:31:29,822 --> 00:31:33,323
-I couldn't take it.
-...That further suppressed
856
00:31:33,359 --> 00:31:36,193
my desire and willingness
to wanna share, right?
857
00:31:36,228 --> 00:31:37,995
Because with crohn's disease,
autoimmune,
858
00:31:38,030 --> 00:31:39,663
it's not...
There's no cure for it.
859
00:31:39,698 --> 00:31:42,866
So, I had no idea at that
point where we were going,
860
00:31:42,902 --> 00:31:44,601
where our relationship
was going,
861
00:31:44,637 --> 00:31:47,004
what the disease process
was doing to my body.
862
00:31:47,039 --> 00:31:50,140
Um, and so, I...
863
00:31:50,175 --> 00:31:51,708
That was pretty difficult.
864
00:31:51,744 --> 00:31:53,610
-Um...
-It was. It was, I remember.
865
00:31:53,646 --> 00:31:55,479
That part,
I mentioned earlier,
866
00:31:55,514 --> 00:31:57,347
had to become more
of an adult in a way, right?
867
00:31:57,383 --> 00:32:00,884
That part, and the, uh,
previous relationship,
868
00:32:00,920 --> 00:32:02,152
I didn't handle it.
869
00:32:02,187 --> 00:32:04,621
Honestly, I didn't.
870
00:32:04,657 --> 00:32:06,490
But when I met her, right?
871
00:32:06,525 --> 00:32:08,558
I wanted to be able to take in
872
00:32:08,594 --> 00:32:11,795
all that came to me
from this woman, right?
873
00:32:11,830 --> 00:32:14,131
Because, uh, I felt like
I could absorb it all,
874
00:32:14,166 --> 00:32:16,300
because of who she was,
and the way that she was...
875
00:32:16,335 --> 00:32:19,636
Um, just the greatness
of it all.
876
00:32:19,672 --> 00:32:21,204
It was all... Just like,
877
00:32:21,240 --> 00:32:23,807
I have to be a part
of whatever this is, right?
878
00:32:23,842 --> 00:32:26,410
But I remember going
to the doctor, and in there,
879
00:32:26,445 --> 00:32:28,845
and, you know,
I don't wanna stay,
880
00:32:28,881 --> 00:32:31,648
and, you know, we got kids,
and it's just tough, it's...
881
00:32:31,684 --> 00:32:34,584
The weight is heavy, um,
882
00:32:34,620 --> 00:32:36,520
but I stood strong, you know.
883
00:32:36,555 --> 00:32:38,422
And I ain't looking
for no award or nothing,
884
00:32:38,457 --> 00:32:40,223
because she was... Certainly,
she was going through it,
885
00:32:40,259 --> 00:32:44,227
but I was making myself
available to it completely.
886
00:32:44,263 --> 00:32:48,231
I think it was just really
kind of feeling helpless
887
00:32:48,267 --> 00:32:51,335
that I, you know...
888
00:32:51,370 --> 00:32:53,570
Even like if I could
and I had the background,
889
00:32:53,605 --> 00:32:56,573
I would have just went in
and did it myself but,
890
00:32:56,608 --> 00:32:57,774
you know,
I'm in the waiting room...
891
00:32:57,810 --> 00:32:59,109
And actually, I didn't...
892
00:32:59,144 --> 00:33:01,044
I didn't really stay
in there.
893
00:33:01,080 --> 00:33:04,548
I think I circled that
hospital about 30 times...
894
00:33:04,583 --> 00:33:06,550
-He's a walker.
-...Before coming in...
895
00:33:06,585 --> 00:33:08,952
-What a walker.
-...Because I had to
get it off my brain,
896
00:33:08,988 --> 00:33:10,787
and I was freaking out.
897
00:33:10,823 --> 00:33:12,356
But I had to be
strong for her,
898
00:33:12,391 --> 00:33:15,192
even when she was, you know,
coming to and all,
899
00:33:15,227 --> 00:33:16,460
and... "you're okay?"
"yeah."
900
00:33:16,495 --> 00:33:17,961
"all right.
Yeah, I gotta do this?
901
00:33:17,997 --> 00:33:20,230
Let me get the medication.
All right, cool."
902
00:33:20,265 --> 00:33:22,032
heart is raising
and stuff like this,
903
00:33:22,067 --> 00:33:23,433
-it's like...
-He had everything done.
904
00:33:23,469 --> 00:33:24,768
...I said, "I'm gonna
pass out in here,
905
00:33:24,803 --> 00:33:26,970
you guys go ahead."
[laughs]
906
00:33:27,006 --> 00:33:28,972
you... I mean,
but when I woke up,
907
00:33:29,008 --> 00:33:31,208
-everything was
taken care of...
-Yeah.
908
00:33:31,243 --> 00:33:32,743
...Like, I even tried
to get up.
909
00:33:32,778 --> 00:33:34,077
I'm like, "okay.
That's over. Let's go."
910
00:33:34,113 --> 00:33:35,712
-yeah.
-He's like, "wait,
911
00:33:35,748 --> 00:33:36,947
you gotta lay here
for a minute."
912
00:33:36,982 --> 00:33:38,415
-yeah.
-You know, so...
913
00:33:38,450 --> 00:33:40,884
But it's just being there
for someone,
914
00:33:40,919 --> 00:33:43,620
because it's, you know,
you're kind of prepared,
915
00:33:43,655 --> 00:33:45,155
but you're not, you know.
Someone gets sick,
916
00:33:45,190 --> 00:33:46,790
they get the cold, you know,
917
00:33:46,825 --> 00:33:48,658
"okay. I'mma get you
some noodle soup or whatever."
918
00:33:48,694 --> 00:33:50,660
but when it's something
like really serious,
919
00:33:50,696 --> 00:33:53,663
it tests the relationship.
920
00:33:53,699 --> 00:33:55,298
I was really concerned that
I wouldn't be able
921
00:33:55,334 --> 00:33:57,467
to have kids or what that
would look like
922
00:33:57,503 --> 00:33:58,635
for my crohn's disease,
923
00:33:58,670 --> 00:33:59,970
to be able
to have healthy children.
924
00:34:00,005 --> 00:34:01,438
Um...
925
00:34:01,473 --> 00:34:02,906
And she was premature,
our daughter, right?
926
00:34:02,941 --> 00:34:04,474
Yeah. Yeah. My...
Our oldest,
927
00:34:04,510 --> 00:34:07,144
um, daughter,
we actually... I had,
928
00:34:07,179 --> 00:34:09,312
like, a severe case
of preeclampsia.
929
00:34:09,348 --> 00:34:10,947
So, it was a real quite
the situation.
930
00:34:10,983 --> 00:34:15,652
Indeed. I had to sign papers
about if something happens
931
00:34:15,687 --> 00:34:17,687
to your child and you're...
932
00:34:17,723 --> 00:34:19,523
And try to... And then...
And then identify themselves,
933
00:34:19,558 --> 00:34:20,690
this was crazy, right?
934
00:34:20,726 --> 00:34:22,325
I'm like,
"man, uh..." you know,
935
00:34:22,361 --> 00:34:24,628
it puts you in a bad...
Uh, a horrible position,
936
00:34:24,663 --> 00:34:26,963
because it's like,
"I love this woman, right?
937
00:34:26,999 --> 00:34:28,265
I ain't...
And we have a child,
938
00:34:28,300 --> 00:34:29,833
I never met
this child before, right?"
939
00:34:29,868 --> 00:34:31,835
but I kind of decide,
this is crazy.
940
00:34:31,870 --> 00:34:33,804
I don't think anybody should
ever had to deal with that.
941
00:34:33,839 --> 00:34:35,038
You know what I'm saying?
Just...
942
00:34:35,074 --> 00:34:36,473
[sighs]
[laughs]
943
00:34:36,508 --> 00:34:38,608
so then after, um,
our first daughter
944
00:34:38,644 --> 00:34:42,179
was born premature and
then rodney went through that.
945
00:34:42,214 --> 00:34:44,147
And I think all these lessons
have toughened you up,
946
00:34:44,183 --> 00:34:45,482
-I mean, I'm sure.
-I hope so, yeah.
947
00:34:45,517 --> 00:34:47,117
-[laughs]
-it certainly was rough.
948
00:34:47,152 --> 00:34:49,319
And, um, my health was fine,
949
00:34:49,354 --> 00:34:52,556
I felt my very best when I was
pregnant with both of my kids.
950
00:34:52,591 --> 00:34:55,859
Um, and then probably
ten years later,
951
00:34:55,894 --> 00:34:58,228
the crohn's disease raises,
uh, yet again
952
00:34:58,263 --> 00:35:00,197
and had another obstruction.
953
00:35:00,232 --> 00:35:03,033
And so this time, rodney
was present for that surgery.
954
00:35:03,068 --> 00:35:04,901
-Mmm-hmm.
-And I had lot
955
00:35:04,937 --> 00:35:07,204
of complications,
um, blood loss,
956
00:35:07,239 --> 00:35:08,805
needed blood transfusions.
957
00:35:08,841 --> 00:35:11,074
I was in the hospital
for a long time.
958
00:35:11,110 --> 00:35:14,578
And he would come,
but he would come
959
00:35:14,613 --> 00:35:16,146
and sporadically stay
five minutes,
960
00:35:16,181 --> 00:35:17,347
"hey, how are you doing?"
961
00:35:17,382 --> 00:35:18,482
and then he would leave,
right?
962
00:35:18,517 --> 00:35:20,217
But at the time,
we had two kids.
963
00:35:20,252 --> 00:35:21,985
Um, but he would never
really stay,
964
00:35:22,020 --> 00:35:24,221
um, in the hospital.
965
00:35:25,958 --> 00:35:27,190
I go to the hospital
and I absorbed whatever energy
966
00:35:27,226 --> 00:35:28,692
is in the room, right?
967
00:35:28,727 --> 00:35:34,197
Doctor, my wife whom I love,
uh, you know,
968
00:35:34,233 --> 00:35:38,435
just a pressured situation,
diseases happening.
969
00:35:38,470 --> 00:35:41,338
And then you go home
and I gotta be
970
00:35:41,373 --> 00:35:42,305
with my kids, right?
971
00:35:42,341 --> 00:35:44,007
So, I don't wanna...
972
00:35:44,042 --> 00:35:46,276
I wanna try to wash all
that off before I get to them,
973
00:35:46,311 --> 00:35:47,477
but it was tough.
You know what I mean?
974
00:35:47,513 --> 00:35:49,179
It's their mom, too.
975
00:35:49,214 --> 00:35:52,816
Uh, so
that was a stormy weather,
976
00:35:52,851 --> 00:35:56,553
in the sense that my homie
is in distress, right?
977
00:35:56,588 --> 00:35:58,288
It was, uh...
978
00:35:58,323 --> 00:36:00,824
And then I gotta do all
this necessary to make sure
979
00:36:00,859 --> 00:36:05,295
our children have the best
semblance of okay.
980
00:36:05,330 --> 00:36:06,730
-Mmm-hmm.
-You know what I'm saying?
981
00:36:06,765 --> 00:36:08,565
Well, I felt lonely
at the time, right?
982
00:36:08,600 --> 00:36:10,901
-[laughs]
-and I wanted him to be there,
983
00:36:10,936 --> 00:36:13,703
um, but, you know,
984
00:36:13,739 --> 00:36:15,505
when you deal
with a chronic illness,
985
00:36:15,541 --> 00:36:19,976
you're so focused on making
sure that you're whole, right?
986
00:36:20,012 --> 00:36:22,078
I don't think I was really
so much focused
987
00:36:22,114 --> 00:36:25,182
on whether or not how long
he was there,
988
00:36:25,217 --> 00:36:26,850
but just to be able
to see him,
989
00:36:26,885 --> 00:36:29,152
and for him to come,
and visit, and be there,
990
00:36:29,188 --> 00:36:31,221
you say those vows,
for better or for worse,
991
00:36:31,256 --> 00:36:33,423
you know, rich or for poor,
sickness and in health,
992
00:36:33,458 --> 00:36:36,560
and I think that's what
you sign up for.
993
00:36:36,595 --> 00:36:40,497
Um, and he did.
994
00:36:40,532 --> 00:36:42,232
He did exactly that.
995
00:36:42,267 --> 00:36:47,070
So within that context,
you have a partner, right?
996
00:36:47,105 --> 00:36:49,105
But then, you know,
rodney talks about,
997
00:36:49,141 --> 00:36:50,774
you know, ebonics,
998
00:36:50,809 --> 00:36:52,909
then you have
a partner, right?
999
00:36:52,945 --> 00:36:54,377
-[laughs]
-[shelitha] a partner
1000
00:36:54,413 --> 00:36:55,679
and a partner.
1001
00:36:55,714 --> 00:37:00,217
He keeps it balanced for me.
1002
00:37:01,920 --> 00:37:03,587
She's a very sentimental
person.
1003
00:37:03,622 --> 00:37:05,088
You know what I mean?
1004
00:37:05,123 --> 00:37:08,458
So, she's very good
at just being thoughtful
1005
00:37:08,493 --> 00:37:13,597
and really doing things
from the heart.
1006
00:37:13,632 --> 00:37:15,065
You know what I mean?
1007
00:37:15,100 --> 00:37:16,967
And, like, she framed
some pictures for me
1008
00:37:17,002 --> 00:37:19,202
one time of all my kids,
1009
00:37:19,238 --> 00:37:20,704
like, it's...
I didn't... I didn't have
1010
00:37:20,739 --> 00:37:23,473
any of my kids framed
or anything like that,
1011
00:37:23,508 --> 00:37:26,309
and she found moments that
were really cool that we had,
1012
00:37:26,345 --> 00:37:28,111
and just framed them,
and then gave them to me
1013
00:37:28,146 --> 00:37:29,746
as gifts,
and I cried a little bit then,
1014
00:37:29,781 --> 00:37:30,981
I was like,
"what is this..."
1015
00:37:31,016 --> 00:37:32,115
-he cried.
-"what's this control
1016
00:37:32,150 --> 00:37:33,750
that you have over my tears?"
1017
00:37:33,785 --> 00:37:35,552
like, I don't be doing
all this crying, I'm a thug.
1018
00:37:35,587 --> 00:37:36,920
You understand
what I'm saying?
1019
00:37:36,955 --> 00:37:38,722
[zena] it feels
awesome to me,
1020
00:37:38,757 --> 00:37:41,758
to be able to give our kids
a great example of marriage.
1021
00:37:41,793 --> 00:37:43,593
I feel like what we have
is a great example
1022
00:37:43,629 --> 00:37:45,562
of marriage and I hope
that they see that.
1023
00:37:45,597 --> 00:37:47,731
And I hope that
they take that
1024
00:37:47,766 --> 00:37:49,566
into their relationships
when they get older,
1025
00:37:49,601 --> 00:37:51,901
when they get married,
and, you know,
1026
00:37:51,937 --> 00:37:55,272
just live the same way.
1027
00:37:55,307 --> 00:37:58,608
Mmm-hmm.
I think I'm kind of...
1028
00:37:58,644 --> 00:38:00,343
I'm split.
You know what I'm saying?
1029
00:38:00,379 --> 00:38:02,078
In terms of that.
1030
00:38:02,114 --> 00:38:03,480
In terms of us,
and our marriage,
1031
00:38:03,515 --> 00:38:06,583
and our kids, um, awesome,
1032
00:38:06,618 --> 00:38:08,351
everything that you just said.
1033
00:38:08,387 --> 00:38:13,623
But I have kids from another
marriage where it's like...
1034
00:38:13,659 --> 00:38:17,594
You know, trying to figure out
what that's gonna
1035
00:38:17,629 --> 00:38:18,962
look like for them,
1036
00:38:18,997 --> 00:38:20,430
what their understanding
of all that is...
1037
00:38:20,465 --> 00:38:22,265
All of that is gonna be.
1038
00:38:22,301 --> 00:38:24,000
And so, you know,
a lot of times
1039
00:38:24,036 --> 00:38:26,269
I'm in a place
where I'm trying
1040
00:38:26,305 --> 00:38:29,205
to just overcompensate
to be there,
1041
00:38:29,241 --> 00:38:31,541
to make sure that,
you know, "okay. Listen,
1042
00:38:31,576 --> 00:38:32,976
things don't always work out,
1043
00:38:33,011 --> 00:38:34,944
but the love
for you is everything."
1044
00:38:34,980 --> 00:38:36,279
you know what I mean?
1045
00:38:36,315 --> 00:38:38,682
And really trying
to make that a thing,
1046
00:38:38,717 --> 00:38:42,519
but, um, even in...
Even in that,
1047
00:38:42,554 --> 00:38:45,021
I'm hoping that this, you
know,
1048
00:38:45,057 --> 00:38:47,223
this light of us
putting this together,
1049
00:38:47,259 --> 00:38:50,493
and it shining the way it does
will not just have
1050
00:38:50,529 --> 00:38:53,363
an effect on, um,
our kids here,
1051
00:38:53,398 --> 00:38:55,398
but, you know, hopefully, um,
1052
00:38:55,434 --> 00:38:57,033
my other kids
that are watching as well.
1053
00:38:57,069 --> 00:38:58,068
You know what I mean?
1054
00:38:58,103 --> 00:38:59,536
To just understand it, not...
1055
00:38:59,571 --> 00:39:01,404
Life isn't perfect.
You know what I mean?
1056
00:39:01,440 --> 00:39:04,374
But, um, you keep trying,
1057
00:39:04,409 --> 00:39:05,909
you keep working at it,
you know,
1058
00:39:05,944 --> 00:39:07,677
and carefully you figure out.
1059
00:39:09,181 --> 00:39:11,214
You know, you realize
in a marriage that,
1060
00:39:11,249 --> 00:39:17,220
"look, in order
for it to work, right,
1061
00:39:17,255 --> 00:39:20,090
nobody can be a bully
in a relationship."
1062
00:39:20,125 --> 00:39:25,195
I can't impose my will on her,
or my beliefs and say,
1063
00:39:25,230 --> 00:39:27,997
"this is how it's going
to be or else."
1064
00:39:28,033 --> 00:39:30,367
because whenever you throw
in "or else" in there,
1065
00:39:30,402 --> 00:39:33,536
-then you gonna get...
-Or else.
1066
00:39:33,572 --> 00:39:35,004
-...Or else.
-Mmm-hmm.
1067
00:39:35,040 --> 00:39:36,940
-They got us closer, though.
-Yeah, it did.
1068
00:39:36,975 --> 00:39:39,909
When you can go
through things like that,
1069
00:39:39,945 --> 00:39:43,947
and it may not have seem big
to other people, but for us,
1070
00:39:43,982 --> 00:39:47,050
it was... It was a big moment
in our relationship,
1071
00:39:47,085 --> 00:39:48,952
but it made me
understand her more,
1072
00:39:48,987 --> 00:39:51,788
she understood me more,
and we just grew together.
1073
00:39:51,823 --> 00:39:54,791
And it taught our kids, too,
that you can co-exist
1074
00:39:54,826 --> 00:39:56,793
in that type of way,
which just teaches them
1075
00:39:56,828 --> 00:39:58,928
how to co-exist
with other people.
1076
00:39:58,964 --> 00:40:00,864
Still to this day,
during ramadan,
1077
00:40:00,899 --> 00:40:02,065
-our kids will...
-Pray with me.
1078
00:40:02,100 --> 00:40:03,767
-...Pray with him...
-Mmm-hmm.
1079
00:40:03,802 --> 00:40:05,402
...And learn
what they're saying,
1080
00:40:05,437 --> 00:40:07,637
and what everything means.
1081
00:40:07,672 --> 00:40:10,540
And just little tiny things
that I think are so special,
1082
00:40:10,575 --> 00:40:13,376
like, when they pray,
their finger does this
1083
00:40:13,412 --> 00:40:14,711
little circular thing
when they pray,
1084
00:40:14,746 --> 00:40:16,079
and there's...
Like, that's something
1085
00:40:16,114 --> 00:40:17,814
that my kids picked up on,
and they do it,
1086
00:40:17,849 --> 00:40:19,416
and ask their dad
what that means.
1087
00:40:19,451 --> 00:40:22,886
And it's just making them
better human beings,
1088
00:40:22,921 --> 00:40:24,788
which is the point, really.
1089
00:40:25,690 --> 00:40:28,391
[whimsical music playing]
1090
00:40:28,427 --> 00:40:29,759
[woman] like this moment,
people be like,
1091
00:40:29,795 --> 00:40:31,227
"ooh, y'all goes..."
I'm like,
1092
00:40:31,263 --> 00:40:33,229
"oh, you don't know
what we went through
1093
00:40:33,265 --> 00:40:34,764
to get to this moment, right?"
1094
00:40:34,800 --> 00:40:37,734
um, and I don't wish
on nobody.
1095
00:40:37,769 --> 00:40:42,105
Marriage is a... Is a...
Is a constant negotiation.
1096
00:40:42,140 --> 00:40:44,274
She used to be like,
"love isn't everything."
1097
00:40:44,309 --> 00:40:45,642
-and for me...
-And he used to get so mad...
1098
00:40:45,677 --> 00:40:46,810
-I used to be...
-...I'll be like...
1099
00:40:46,845 --> 00:40:48,812
Um, I used to be so mad,
I'm like,
1100
00:40:48,847 --> 00:40:50,680
-"no, love conquers all."
-[laughs]
1101
00:40:50,715 --> 00:40:51,981
you know what I mean?
1102
00:40:52,017 --> 00:40:53,450
I would take it out
on him a lot.
1103
00:40:53,485 --> 00:40:55,318
I was resentful a little bit
in the beginning,
1104
00:40:55,353 --> 00:40:57,187
like, "oh, I quit
my career for you
1105
00:40:57,222 --> 00:40:59,088
and now my name
is ephraim's wife."
1106
00:40:59,124 --> 00:41:00,356
it was uncomfortable
for me, like...
1107
00:41:00,392 --> 00:41:01,758
And I never...
I guess I...
1108
00:41:01,793 --> 00:41:02,926
I think you never said
this to me.
1109
00:41:02,961 --> 00:41:04,127
I never shared that
with him,
1110
00:41:04,162 --> 00:41:05,428
but it's like,
1111
00:41:05,464 --> 00:41:07,263
"how do you support
your partner?"