1 00:00:00,868 --> 00:00:01,867 He was very worried, 2 00:00:01,902 --> 00:00:04,069 but I love that he didn't hide it. 3 00:00:04,105 --> 00:00:06,338 Because I... At that part, I don't... 4 00:00:06,374 --> 00:00:07,873 -[laughs] -that's one thing I love 5 00:00:07,908 --> 00:00:10,542 about our relationship. There's the truth every... 6 00:00:10,578 --> 00:00:12,311 Even if it sucks, like, "really, 7 00:00:12,346 --> 00:00:15,214 you're gonna say that?" but at least I get the truth 8 00:00:15,249 --> 00:00:16,749 every single time. 9 00:00:16,784 --> 00:00:18,217 And, uh... But during that moment, 10 00:00:18,252 --> 00:00:20,753 I was really afraid, um... 11 00:00:20,788 --> 00:00:22,087 -Yeah. -But you were there. 12 00:00:22,123 --> 00:00:23,922 -He didn't... -I was scared. 13 00:00:23,958 --> 00:00:26,258 See, now you're making me tearing up. 14 00:00:26,293 --> 00:00:29,194 If you can have a relationship like that 15 00:00:29,230 --> 00:00:31,730 where you can talk about the things 16 00:00:31,766 --> 00:00:33,432 that you know 17 00:00:33,467 --> 00:00:37,002 may make your partner uncomfortable, 18 00:00:37,038 --> 00:00:40,539 then now you're really headed in the right direction. 19 00:00:40,574 --> 00:00:42,041 Yeah. And we have those all the time. 20 00:00:42,076 --> 00:00:45,344 -That's the key. -This is a space I can say, 21 00:00:45,379 --> 00:00:48,881 you know, ten years ago, you know what I'm saying? 22 00:00:48,916 --> 00:00:51,917 Like, I wasn't really in this space. 23 00:00:51,952 --> 00:00:53,385 -You know what I'm saying? -No, you weren't. 24 00:00:53,421 --> 00:00:56,355 I wouldn't have been able to, um... 25 00:00:56,390 --> 00:00:58,557 I wouldn't have been able to honor this space properly. 26 00:00:58,592 --> 00:01:00,059 -Right. -You know what I'm saying? 27 00:01:00,094 --> 00:01:03,362 So there had to be... There had to be a lot. 28 00:01:03,397 --> 00:01:05,097 There had to be a lot of growing. 29 00:01:05,132 --> 00:01:08,133 [theme music playing] 30 00:01:43,938 --> 00:01:45,003 [alphonso] in the beginning, 31 00:01:45,039 --> 00:01:48,307 I had a fear of abandonment. 32 00:01:48,342 --> 00:01:50,075 And when she wasn't around 33 00:01:50,111 --> 00:01:51,443 or she didn't tell me 34 00:01:51,479 --> 00:01:52,845 how much she cared for me or anything, 35 00:01:52,880 --> 00:01:54,613 I was like, "oh, she don't really care." 36 00:01:54,648 --> 00:01:56,682 oh, boy. It's... Oh, boy. 37 00:01:56,717 --> 00:02:00,119 Um, and one of the two arguments that we had 38 00:02:00,154 --> 00:02:02,287 I thought, "oh, it's gonna end in divorce." 39 00:02:02,323 --> 00:02:04,423 because his parents were married 40 00:02:04,458 --> 00:02:06,758 for his entire life, 41 00:02:06,794 --> 00:02:08,427 when he got married the first time, 42 00:02:08,462 --> 00:02:10,262 he never thought that he never get divorced. 43 00:02:10,297 --> 00:02:11,864 That was the furthest thing 44 00:02:11,899 --> 00:02:13,532 from anything that he desired. 45 00:02:13,567 --> 00:02:15,834 And when the marriage ended in divorced, 46 00:02:15,870 --> 00:02:18,303 it left him feeling shaken about 47 00:02:18,339 --> 00:02:20,339 whether our marriage could last forever. 48 00:02:20,374 --> 00:02:22,875 And it created this kind of abandonment issues like, 49 00:02:22,910 --> 00:02:24,543 "I don't want my wife to leave." 50 00:02:24,578 --> 00:02:27,646 um, my dad was a pimp turned preacher. 51 00:02:27,681 --> 00:02:30,149 -[laughs] so... -[indistinct] 52 00:02:30,184 --> 00:02:31,884 ...He was in the pimp stage when he was with my mom. 53 00:02:31,919 --> 00:02:34,153 [laughs] don't say it like that. 54 00:02:34,188 --> 00:02:35,721 Even though that they were married, 55 00:02:35,756 --> 00:02:37,556 I never really saw them totally together 56 00:02:37,591 --> 00:02:39,658 and interacting. 57 00:02:39,693 --> 00:02:42,561 I think tank's perception to that 58 00:02:42,596 --> 00:02:44,363 was totally opposite. 59 00:02:44,398 --> 00:02:45,864 -Yeah. My... -Completely opposite. 60 00:02:45,900 --> 00:02:48,066 -Completely opposite. -Which is weird, 61 00:02:48,102 --> 00:02:50,302 because I'm the one that's always wanted 62 00:02:50,337 --> 00:02:52,504 to be married in a foundation and all that from the jump. 63 00:02:52,540 --> 00:02:55,007 But he's the one who was, like, so hesitant. 64 00:02:55,042 --> 00:02:56,808 -But he comes from... -I come from... Yeah. 65 00:02:56,844 --> 00:02:58,343 ...Married parents. They're still together. 66 00:02:58,379 --> 00:03:00,679 Still together. The fear which I spoke 67 00:03:00,714 --> 00:03:03,382 about before came from the fact that 68 00:03:03,417 --> 00:03:06,151 I had a failed marriage. You know what I mean? 69 00:03:06,187 --> 00:03:08,487 And then failed relationships. 70 00:03:08,522 --> 00:03:10,489 And now I have these kids 71 00:03:10,524 --> 00:03:12,257 and I'm not married. 72 00:03:12,293 --> 00:03:14,893 But I come from... I come from... 73 00:03:14,929 --> 00:03:16,695 -A married family. -...Structure and stability. 74 00:03:16,730 --> 00:03:18,096 I come from commitment. 75 00:03:18,132 --> 00:03:20,199 I come from... You know what I mean? 76 00:03:20,234 --> 00:03:22,367 Sacrifice. That's where I come from. 77 00:03:22,403 --> 00:03:24,536 And here I am, 78 00:03:24,572 --> 00:03:27,339 the complete opposite. You know what I mean? 79 00:03:27,374 --> 00:03:31,043 And so, that's where a lot of that fear came from, 80 00:03:31,078 --> 00:03:33,378 um, is because I just didn't feel like 81 00:03:33,414 --> 00:03:36,181 I was living up to how I was raised 82 00:03:36,217 --> 00:03:37,449 and what I was taught. 83 00:03:37,484 --> 00:03:38,917 I mean, early in our relationship, 84 00:03:38,953 --> 00:03:40,752 we had a, uh... Not necessarily a problem, 85 00:03:40,788 --> 00:03:42,721 but it was certainly, uh, a differing of opinion 86 00:03:42,756 --> 00:03:44,556 as it related to religion. 87 00:03:44,592 --> 00:03:45,958 Right? She grew up in a church. 88 00:03:45,993 --> 00:03:48,093 I did not, right? 89 00:03:48,128 --> 00:03:50,963 Uh, I am a spiritual man, completely. 90 00:03:50,998 --> 00:03:54,766 But, uh, there's certain ways of the bible 91 00:03:54,802 --> 00:03:56,235 that I don't agree with 92 00:03:56,270 --> 00:03:57,936 and I was very vocal about that. 93 00:03:57,972 --> 00:03:59,738 Yeah. When we started, it was... 94 00:03:59,773 --> 00:04:01,273 It was something that, kind of, you know... 95 00:04:01,308 --> 00:04:03,742 Sure, I mean her... The guy that married us 96 00:04:03,777 --> 00:04:05,210 didn't want to marry us 97 00:04:05,246 --> 00:04:07,045 until I came to counseling for church. 98 00:04:07,081 --> 00:04:08,480 Like listen, god wouldn't want me 99 00:04:08,515 --> 00:04:09,982 to find him like that. That's sort of crazy 100 00:04:10,017 --> 00:04:13,952 for you to say that. So he and I had a rift. 101 00:04:13,988 --> 00:04:15,754 -Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm. -[laughs] 102 00:04:15,789 --> 00:04:18,056 and we got past that and he ended up marrying us, too. 103 00:04:18,092 --> 00:04:19,658 -We... -[woman] did he [indistinct] 104 00:04:19,693 --> 00:04:21,093 -no. -No. 105 00:04:21,128 --> 00:04:22,661 He stood his ground. 106 00:04:22,696 --> 00:04:25,130 And you know what? At the end of the day, 107 00:04:25,165 --> 00:04:28,634 what I came to respect about rodney 108 00:04:28,669 --> 00:04:30,335 was that he was not one 109 00:04:30,371 --> 00:04:32,337 and still is not one to conform. 110 00:04:32,373 --> 00:04:34,106 He gave me a different viewpoint, right? 111 00:04:34,141 --> 00:04:36,808 He can still, you know, honor and respect 112 00:04:36,844 --> 00:04:38,343 that there is a spiritual being 113 00:04:38,379 --> 00:04:40,078 and he be connected to that 114 00:04:40,114 --> 00:04:42,447 and still not diminish who I was. 115 00:04:42,483 --> 00:04:46,451 -Not at all. -We never ever considered... 116 00:04:47,855 --> 00:04:49,621 -Divorce. -Well, yeah, when we did... 117 00:04:49,657 --> 00:04:51,690 Well, when... And when we first got married. 118 00:04:51,725 --> 00:04:53,959 You know, I should say I consider divorce, 119 00:04:53,994 --> 00:04:55,794 maybe he say... [laughs] 120 00:04:55,829 --> 00:04:57,429 -maybe in his mind... -Well, I didn't. 121 00:04:57,464 --> 00:04:59,164 ...That they were saying, "yeah, he didn't." 122 00:04:59,199 --> 00:05:00,599 ...Because I felt like... When she talked 123 00:05:00,634 --> 00:05:02,267 about divorce is where you're going. 124 00:05:02,303 --> 00:05:03,669 Because wherever you're going, I'm going. 125 00:05:03,704 --> 00:05:06,104 [laughs] yeah. We were in this 126 00:05:06,140 --> 00:05:10,008 this early phase of our marriage, um, 127 00:05:10,044 --> 00:05:14,179 literally before the third child was born. 128 00:05:14,214 --> 00:05:17,616 Mmm-hmm. Um, we have this girl... 129 00:05:17,651 --> 00:05:19,184 Uh, it was a couple of young girls 130 00:05:19,219 --> 00:05:21,953 from the church that used to always be around. 131 00:05:21,989 --> 00:05:24,823 And during this phase, 132 00:05:24,858 --> 00:05:26,458 I totally remember 133 00:05:26,493 --> 00:05:29,828 because I had a conversation with my pastor about 134 00:05:29,863 --> 00:05:33,498 how I didn't really like him when I was pregnant. 135 00:05:33,534 --> 00:05:35,534 Like there was this... I don't know. 136 00:05:35,569 --> 00:05:37,235 It was just this thing, like, I didn't like him 137 00:05:37,271 --> 00:05:39,705 like I was always, like, picking him apart 138 00:05:39,740 --> 00:05:41,373 and, you know, he would say something, 139 00:05:41,408 --> 00:05:43,175 and I would get so annoyed. And it was just like 140 00:05:43,210 --> 00:05:45,344 this thing, I don't know, I went through. 141 00:05:45,379 --> 00:05:46,845 And, um, when he found out that I was... 142 00:05:46,880 --> 00:05:48,914 -Hormonal. -Yeah. Hormones and just... 143 00:05:48,949 --> 00:05:50,649 Yeah, it definitely was. 144 00:05:50,684 --> 00:05:52,718 But, um... And I remember my pastor 145 00:05:52,753 --> 00:05:54,753 when he found that I was pregnant with the third child, 146 00:05:54,788 --> 00:05:56,421 -he was, like, you know... -Again? 147 00:05:56,457 --> 00:05:57,923 "...Stop." he was like, "your marriage 148 00:05:57,958 --> 00:05:59,925 is not gonna be able to take that. 149 00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:02,327 That's too much, too soon." 150 00:06:02,363 --> 00:06:05,230 when we first got together, it was intense. 151 00:06:05,265 --> 00:06:07,666 We saw each other every day, you know. 152 00:06:07,701 --> 00:06:09,368 We weren't living together or anything like that, 153 00:06:09,403 --> 00:06:11,069 but we were together. We were... 154 00:06:11,105 --> 00:06:13,672 We did everything together. Even our friends 155 00:06:13,707 --> 00:06:15,707 made comments about it. 156 00:06:15,743 --> 00:06:18,577 And after we were married for a little while 157 00:06:18,612 --> 00:06:20,879 and finished hoochie-cooting, you know, then I'm like, 158 00:06:20,914 --> 00:06:22,581 "okay. Now it's time for me to go back 159 00:06:22,616 --> 00:06:24,683 to, like, my girlfriends and go into brunch." 160 00:06:24,718 --> 00:06:26,785 and that kind of thing." so we had been married 161 00:06:26,820 --> 00:06:30,021 probably about six months, 162 00:06:30,057 --> 00:06:33,692 came home, and we had a little dog 163 00:06:33,727 --> 00:06:36,795 and he was on 10, 164 00:06:36,830 --> 00:06:40,565 and insistent that we get rid of the dog, 165 00:06:40,601 --> 00:06:42,601 because he opened the dog... Door, 166 00:06:42,636 --> 00:06:44,936 and the dog jetted out, 167 00:06:44,972 --> 00:06:48,273 and therefore the dog didn't wanna be here. 168 00:06:48,308 --> 00:06:49,975 -And he was laughing at me. -And he was laughing. 169 00:06:50,010 --> 00:06:51,476 Yeah, that was the other thing. 170 00:06:51,512 --> 00:06:53,111 -The dog... -"and the dog laughed at me. 171 00:06:53,147 --> 00:06:55,480 I called him, and he turned, and he laughed at me." 172 00:06:55,516 --> 00:06:57,582 -he did. -And he was on 10. 173 00:06:57,618 --> 00:07:00,919 And I'm like, "we're not gonna get rid of the kid's dog." 174 00:07:00,954 --> 00:07:03,955 so, I took a deep breath, and I just sat, 175 00:07:03,991 --> 00:07:06,291 and I said, "what is going on here? 176 00:07:06,326 --> 00:07:08,126 What is this really about?" 177 00:07:08,162 --> 00:07:09,961 because this is not about the dog. 178 00:07:09,997 --> 00:07:11,930 The dog got some issues." 179 00:07:11,965 --> 00:07:15,434 so, I sat back and I said... 180 00:07:15,469 --> 00:07:18,303 Uh, he was and, stomping. 181 00:07:18,338 --> 00:07:22,240 And I said, "this is the first time 182 00:07:22,276 --> 00:07:24,743 since we've been together 183 00:07:24,778 --> 00:07:27,078 that I've actually been gone away 184 00:07:27,114 --> 00:07:28,246 with other people. 185 00:07:28,282 --> 00:07:29,514 Like, that was the first time. 186 00:07:29,550 --> 00:07:31,817 So, I was like, "oh, so the dog 187 00:07:31,852 --> 00:07:35,520 is a metaphor for me? I don't wanna be here. 188 00:07:35,556 --> 00:07:37,456 Oh. Oh. 189 00:07:37,491 --> 00:07:39,458 But I couldn't say that in that moment, 190 00:07:39,493 --> 00:07:40,692 because it was heated 191 00:07:40,727 --> 00:07:42,294 and it was really about the dog. 192 00:07:42,329 --> 00:07:44,830 So, I have to sit here and figure out 193 00:07:44,865 --> 00:07:47,165 how to present that to him, 194 00:07:47,201 --> 00:07:49,634 that he could hear it and not see it as patronizing. 195 00:07:49,670 --> 00:07:52,170 In this early phase 196 00:07:52,206 --> 00:07:54,673 of or marriage 197 00:07:54,708 --> 00:07:58,844 literally before the third child was born. 198 00:07:58,879 --> 00:08:01,646 -Mmm-hmm. -Um, we have this girl 199 00:08:01,682 --> 00:08:03,381 who was always swarming around 200 00:08:03,417 --> 00:08:05,784 who they felt was, 201 00:08:05,819 --> 00:08:08,053 you know, a cute childhood crush. 202 00:08:08,088 --> 00:08:10,555 You know, she would say sweet things to him 203 00:08:10,591 --> 00:08:12,190 and always stroking his ego. 204 00:08:12,226 --> 00:08:13,959 -Mmm-hmm. -And all of the stuff. 205 00:08:13,994 --> 00:08:16,228 And so, um, they had some 206 00:08:16,263 --> 00:08:18,363 inappropriate conversations 207 00:08:18,398 --> 00:08:21,299 and, um... That I ended up finding out about. 208 00:08:21,335 --> 00:08:23,201 -Mmm-hmm. -Now mind you, 209 00:08:23,237 --> 00:08:24,903 remember I'm from the hood, right? 210 00:08:24,938 --> 00:08:27,873 So, I wasn't in the church that long, right? So... 211 00:08:27,908 --> 00:08:29,508 So she ready to cut, fight, shoot. 212 00:08:29,543 --> 00:08:31,142 I was... Everything. 213 00:08:31,178 --> 00:08:34,579 And it was just, for me... 214 00:08:34,615 --> 00:08:36,047 And I don't know why. 215 00:08:36,083 --> 00:08:37,716 Uh, you know, it was just a deal breaker. 216 00:08:37,751 --> 00:08:39,184 It was just like, 217 00:08:39,219 --> 00:08:42,087 "no. I'm not gonna compete emotionally." 218 00:08:42,122 --> 00:08:43,588 like I know it wasn't physical 219 00:08:43,624 --> 00:08:44,689 and people say that all the time. 220 00:08:44,725 --> 00:08:46,324 "it wasn't a physical thing." 221 00:08:46,360 --> 00:08:47,826 it still felt the same. 222 00:08:47,861 --> 00:08:49,394 -Mmm-hmm. -I couldn't differentiate 223 00:08:49,429 --> 00:08:51,263 the emotion from the physical. 224 00:08:51,298 --> 00:08:55,033 All I knew is that the feeling of betrayal. 225 00:08:55,068 --> 00:08:58,036 -The feeling of, you know... -Was the same. 226 00:08:58,071 --> 00:08:59,938 ...Was the... It just felt the same. 227 00:08:59,973 --> 00:09:01,873 It was the same sick feeling 228 00:09:01,909 --> 00:09:03,942 that you entertain somebody else 229 00:09:03,977 --> 00:09:05,744 outside of our relationship. 230 00:09:05,779 --> 00:09:08,380 That to me registered the same way. 231 00:09:08,415 --> 00:09:12,183 Temptation is everywhere. It was coming from everywhere. 232 00:09:12,219 --> 00:09:15,887 Right? I didn't get any less sexier. 233 00:09:15,923 --> 00:09:18,056 I'm sure that's not how you say that. 234 00:09:18,091 --> 00:09:21,059 Pretty sure it's less sexy, but proceed. 235 00:09:22,596 --> 00:09:24,496 We broke up, then we had a baby. 236 00:09:24,531 --> 00:09:26,631 Then we co-parented. 237 00:09:26,667 --> 00:09:28,433 -For a long time. -Yes. We co-parented 238 00:09:28,468 --> 00:09:29,834 for about five and a half... 239 00:09:29,870 --> 00:09:31,002 About five and a half, six years... 240 00:09:31,038 --> 00:09:32,504 -Yeah. -...I wanna say. 241 00:09:32,539 --> 00:09:33,805 Mmm-hmm. Woke up one day and I was like, 242 00:09:33,840 --> 00:09:35,173 "I think I'm in love with her again." 243 00:09:35,208 --> 00:09:37,609 I don't think you ever stopped. 244 00:09:37,644 --> 00:09:39,311 Yeah. See that's... 245 00:09:39,346 --> 00:09:41,613 But I did always know if we ever got back together, 246 00:09:41,648 --> 00:09:44,015 it was for forever. It wasn't gonna be, 247 00:09:44,051 --> 00:09:46,284 "oh, let's date and see if we can work it out." 248 00:09:46,320 --> 00:09:48,119 no, we had been through all the stuff. 249 00:09:48,155 --> 00:09:49,688 We're gonna make it or we're not. 250 00:09:49,723 --> 00:09:51,356 Like, "what are we doing? 251 00:09:51,391 --> 00:09:53,191 I was apprehensive. 252 00:09:53,226 --> 00:09:55,860 I think I was scare... More scared than anything, 253 00:09:55,896 --> 00:09:59,464 because I truly felt like she was the one. 254 00:09:59,499 --> 00:10:03,468 And I really didn't wanna mess it up. 255 00:10:03,503 --> 00:10:05,637 And that was my whole reservation. 256 00:10:05,672 --> 00:10:08,273 I was like, "I just need some time. 257 00:10:08,308 --> 00:10:09,641 I just need..." you know what I mean? 258 00:10:09,676 --> 00:10:11,710 "I need... I... I'll know what I know. 259 00:10:11,745 --> 00:10:13,979 You know what I mean? And, you know, 260 00:10:14,014 --> 00:10:16,648 and being able to look at it in the hindsight, 261 00:10:16,683 --> 00:10:19,884 which is always 20/20, I could see where... 262 00:10:19,920 --> 00:10:22,153 I was just scared. I was just, like, 263 00:10:22,189 --> 00:10:23,455 scared to mess it up. 264 00:10:23,490 --> 00:10:25,156 You know what I mean? And not knowing 265 00:10:25,192 --> 00:10:27,826 if I was in a place to where I wouldn't. 266 00:10:27,861 --> 00:10:30,195 I remember I had a conversation with her 267 00:10:30,230 --> 00:10:34,432 and I said, "look, it's a challenge every day, 268 00:10:35,902 --> 00:10:37,535 uh, to fight off temptation." 269 00:10:37,571 --> 00:10:39,204 and it bothered her when I told her that. 270 00:10:39,239 --> 00:10:40,805 It did. When he first told me, I was like, "what? 271 00:10:40,841 --> 00:10:42,874 What do you mean? We... You're what... 272 00:10:42,909 --> 00:10:45,677 What do you mean it's hard for you to be faithful 273 00:10:45,712 --> 00:10:48,246 or it's tempting for you to any of those things 274 00:10:48,281 --> 00:10:51,016 that you're talking about?" I was a little put off by it. 275 00:10:51,051 --> 00:10:52,717 But because we communicate so well, 276 00:10:52,753 --> 00:10:54,152 then we, kind of, had a conversation 277 00:10:54,187 --> 00:10:55,253 about what that... What it meant. 278 00:10:55,288 --> 00:10:56,755 I told her, "look, I said, 279 00:10:56,790 --> 00:10:59,591 "just because we're in a relationship, that... 280 00:10:59,626 --> 00:11:00,892 And married, 281 00:11:00,927 --> 00:11:05,330 that doesn't eradicate temptation." 282 00:11:05,365 --> 00:11:06,831 or it doesn't it mean that I'm blind. [laughs] 283 00:11:06,867 --> 00:11:09,768 right? Like, people are under the assumption 284 00:11:09,803 --> 00:11:12,170 that once you get married, 285 00:11:12,205 --> 00:11:13,772 they give you a pill, 286 00:11:13,807 --> 00:11:15,707 and you are no longer attracted to anyone else. 287 00:11:15,742 --> 00:11:18,743 Which is inaccurate on both sides. 288 00:11:18,779 --> 00:11:20,712 For us, as much as it is for them. 289 00:11:20,747 --> 00:11:22,247 It doesn't work like that. 290 00:11:22,282 --> 00:11:25,050 And I remember I had a conversation with my dad 291 00:11:25,085 --> 00:11:26,518 and I said... 292 00:11:26,553 --> 00:11:27,786 And this is prior to us getting married. 293 00:11:27,821 --> 00:11:29,254 I said, "dad, well, how do you... 294 00:11:29,289 --> 00:11:31,056 How do you stay faithful? How do you... 295 00:11:31,091 --> 00:11:32,791 How do you do that?" 296 00:11:32,826 --> 00:11:35,760 and he said, "it's not about her. 297 00:11:35,796 --> 00:11:38,630 It's not about you. 298 00:11:38,665 --> 00:11:41,566 It's about your relationship with god. 299 00:11:41,601 --> 00:11:44,536 There's forgiveness, but at the end of the day, 300 00:11:44,571 --> 00:11:46,071 when it's all said and done, 301 00:11:46,106 --> 00:11:48,440 you're going to have to answer 302 00:11:48,475 --> 00:11:52,243 to whatever you did good and bad. 303 00:11:52,279 --> 00:11:55,113 And if that's a question, 304 00:11:55,148 --> 00:11:57,382 you wanna have to answer 305 00:11:57,417 --> 00:12:00,385 on judgment day, 306 00:12:00,420 --> 00:12:01,886 then go right ahead." 307 00:12:01,922 --> 00:12:03,121 -and that... -Mmm-hmm. 308 00:12:03,156 --> 00:12:04,255 ...Scared the hell out of me. 309 00:12:04,291 --> 00:12:05,457 You have to hold yourself 310 00:12:05,492 --> 00:12:06,624 -accountable, right? -Mmm-hmm. 311 00:12:06,660 --> 00:12:07,559 -To something. -Mmm-hmm. 312 00:12:07,594 --> 00:12:09,561 And I think that, um, 313 00:12:09,596 --> 00:12:10,895 we have a level of integrity 314 00:12:10,931 --> 00:12:12,330 when you wanna hold... 315 00:12:12,365 --> 00:12:14,432 Have a level of responsibility to yourself, 316 00:12:14,468 --> 00:12:16,167 but something higher than that. 317 00:12:16,203 --> 00:12:17,802 -Sure. -Um, and I think 318 00:12:17,838 --> 00:12:19,637 that that keeps you grounded. 319 00:12:19,673 --> 00:12:22,807 Allows you to make really good decisions. 320 00:12:22,843 --> 00:12:24,142 Generally speaking, most people 321 00:12:24,177 --> 00:12:26,778 who practice religion are... 322 00:12:26,813 --> 00:12:28,847 -Grew up in... Mmm-hmm. -...Grandfathered into that. 323 00:12:28,882 --> 00:12:30,515 -Mmm-hmm. -Your parents 324 00:12:30,550 --> 00:12:32,617 and their parents, it's a long line of religion. 325 00:12:32,652 --> 00:12:34,352 This is not my experience at all. 326 00:12:34,387 --> 00:12:35,754 So, it's tough. 327 00:12:35,789 --> 00:12:38,089 And I study theology in college, right? 328 00:12:38,125 --> 00:12:40,358 So I read the bible three times. 329 00:12:40,393 --> 00:12:41,993 It's, uh... 330 00:12:42,028 --> 00:12:43,762 At times to me. 331 00:12:43,797 --> 00:12:45,597 Especially when you're dealing in a... In a space where, 332 00:12:45,632 --> 00:12:48,199 uh, things have to make sense, right? 333 00:12:48,235 --> 00:12:50,668 The bible isn't always there, right? 334 00:12:50,704 --> 00:12:52,504 But it's, uh, a credit to this is... 335 00:12:52,539 --> 00:12:54,372 Yesterday, she was able to say, "you know what? 336 00:12:54,407 --> 00:12:55,774 I'm not mad at that. Yeah, that does kind of 337 00:12:55,809 --> 00:12:57,208 made sense for me too, right?" 338 00:12:57,244 --> 00:12:59,177 and instead of me being upset with him 339 00:12:59,212 --> 00:13:01,379 that he was not conforming 340 00:13:01,414 --> 00:13:02,814 to what I grew up in, 341 00:13:02,849 --> 00:13:04,783 it was an opportunity for me to, kind of, 342 00:13:04,818 --> 00:13:07,786 rethink and reflect on, "why do I think that? 343 00:13:07,821 --> 00:13:09,354 Is that really true?" 344 00:13:09,389 --> 00:13:12,624 um, just because the bible says it so, you know, 345 00:13:12,659 --> 00:13:15,393 is that really practical for what we're dealing with 346 00:13:15,428 --> 00:13:17,195 -in these days and time? So... -Mmm-hmm. 347 00:13:17,230 --> 00:13:18,897 ...Um, it was really an opportunity for us 348 00:13:18,932 --> 00:13:20,899 to really talk about it. 349 00:13:20,934 --> 00:13:22,901 And I'm just like, "there's nothing you can say, 350 00:13:22,936 --> 00:13:24,969 there's nothing you can do, but I'm tired. 351 00:13:25,005 --> 00:13:27,472 And so if whatever you gotta say, 352 00:13:27,507 --> 00:13:29,841 say it quick because it's 2:00, I'm going to bed. 353 00:13:29,876 --> 00:13:31,242 And in the morning, I'm filing for divorce. 354 00:13:31,278 --> 00:13:32,677 End of discussion." 355 00:13:32,712 --> 00:13:34,245 so he says, um... 356 00:13:34,281 --> 00:13:36,981 So as I'm sitting there, my eyes are closed, 357 00:13:37,017 --> 00:13:39,050 I'm kind of just listening to him 358 00:13:39,085 --> 00:13:40,552 go on, and on, and on, 359 00:13:40,587 --> 00:13:43,221 and, um, 360 00:13:43,256 --> 00:13:44,989 it was just a thought in my spirit. 361 00:13:45,025 --> 00:13:46,691 I just literally... It was... 362 00:13:46,726 --> 00:13:48,326 It was calm and it was sweet, 363 00:13:48,361 --> 00:13:50,495 but it was just like, you know, 364 00:13:50,530 --> 00:13:52,263 you need to hear your vows. 365 00:13:52,299 --> 00:13:54,232 Like, your wedding vows. 366 00:13:54,267 --> 00:13:56,067 And I laughed, I chuckled, 367 00:13:56,102 --> 00:13:57,902 because he was screaming, 368 00:13:57,938 --> 00:13:59,938 "what did I do? What did I do?" 369 00:13:59,973 --> 00:14:01,172 you know? [laughs] 370 00:14:01,208 --> 00:14:03,541 and I'm thinking... [sighs] 371 00:14:03,577 --> 00:14:05,276 "well, that's not gonna happen." 372 00:14:05,312 --> 00:14:07,445 you know what I'm saying? So, I just sat there 373 00:14:07,480 --> 00:14:09,447 and I, kind of, smiled, and, you know, 374 00:14:09,482 --> 00:14:11,015 -then he runs over to... -Mmm-hmm. 375 00:14:11,051 --> 00:14:13,117 ...His desk that was, like, sitting behind us, 376 00:14:13,153 --> 00:14:14,786 and started snatching out drawers 377 00:14:14,821 --> 00:14:16,354 and papers are flying everywhere, 378 00:14:16,389 --> 00:14:18,356 and I'm thinking, "he is... He's lost it." 379 00:14:18,391 --> 00:14:20,091 I mean, I get it, but you... 380 00:14:20,126 --> 00:14:21,960 This is different, okay? 381 00:14:21,995 --> 00:14:24,462 So, he pulls out this little book. 382 00:14:24,497 --> 00:14:26,197 -Mmm-hmm. -Which is their... The, um... 383 00:14:26,233 --> 00:14:27,732 As a minister, he was a young minister, 384 00:14:27,767 --> 00:14:29,467 so it was his minister handbook. 385 00:14:29,502 --> 00:14:31,269 And he drops down in front of me 386 00:14:31,304 --> 00:14:33,137 and he starts reading the vows. 387 00:14:33,173 --> 00:14:36,608 And I just burst out in tears. 388 00:14:38,078 --> 00:14:41,613 And I knew it was as if literally my first... 389 00:14:41,648 --> 00:14:43,114 At that particular time, like, 390 00:14:43,149 --> 00:14:45,750 literal, like, sign from heaven 391 00:14:45,785 --> 00:14:47,552 that this was supposed to be, 392 00:14:47,587 --> 00:14:50,722 because there's no way in the world 393 00:14:50,757 --> 00:14:51,923 that he could have come up with... 394 00:14:51,958 --> 00:14:53,157 Like, there's no way. 395 00:14:53,193 --> 00:14:55,126 And he reads all of the vows, 396 00:14:55,161 --> 00:14:57,061 I only hear the first line of it, 397 00:14:57,097 --> 00:14:59,097 and I'm bawling, crying. 398 00:14:59,132 --> 00:15:01,299 And then I say, "okay. 399 00:15:01,334 --> 00:15:02,734 You know, we'll do it. 400 00:15:02,769 --> 00:15:05,670 This is your one do-over." 401 00:15:05,705 --> 00:15:07,171 and at that point, 402 00:15:07,207 --> 00:15:09,073 there was commitment, 403 00:15:09,109 --> 00:15:10,608 -a renewed... -Mmm-hmm. 404 00:15:10,644 --> 00:15:11,609 ...Commitment. 405 00:15:11,645 --> 00:15:14,345 A renewal of minds 406 00:15:14,381 --> 00:15:16,247 to say, "okay. 407 00:15:16,283 --> 00:15:18,583 We're never gonna come to this place again 408 00:15:18,618 --> 00:15:19,817 -and divorce..." -right. Right. 409 00:15:19,853 --> 00:15:22,120 "...Is not ever on the table again. 410 00:15:22,155 --> 00:15:23,354 We'll figure it out. 411 00:15:23,390 --> 00:15:24,455 And if we make it through this, 412 00:15:24,491 --> 00:15:25,957 which I believe that we would 413 00:15:25,992 --> 00:15:27,425 because the commitment was there." 414 00:15:27,460 --> 00:15:30,194 -mmm-hmm. -"we got this." 415 00:15:30,230 --> 00:15:31,629 it had changed the dynamic of... 416 00:15:31,665 --> 00:15:33,031 -Mmm-hmm. -...Like the trust 417 00:15:33,066 --> 00:15:34,999 in our relationship too, because then I knew 418 00:15:35,035 --> 00:15:37,435 that any temptation 419 00:15:37,470 --> 00:15:40,004 in that type of way wasn't even about me anymore, 420 00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:41,339 so like, 421 00:15:41,374 --> 00:15:43,341 "oh, he's not trying to not upset me, 422 00:15:43,376 --> 00:15:45,143 -he's trying to..." -it's bigger than that. 423 00:15:45,178 --> 00:15:46,110 It's bigger than me. 424 00:15:46,146 --> 00:15:47,478 It... Him being faithful 425 00:15:47,514 --> 00:15:49,948 and being a good man is bigger than me. 426 00:15:49,983 --> 00:15:51,816 It's rooted in my faith, my belief, 427 00:15:51,851 --> 00:15:53,651 my relationship with god. 428 00:15:53,687 --> 00:15:55,453 And I explained to her, "look, 429 00:15:55,488 --> 00:15:57,188 it's a challenge every day, but it's a challenge 430 00:15:57,223 --> 00:15:58,656 I'm willing to do. 431 00:15:58,692 --> 00:16:00,625 Just like anything in life worth having 432 00:16:00,660 --> 00:16:03,361 and worth seeing be successful, 433 00:16:03,396 --> 00:16:06,864 I'm willing to step up to do that." 434 00:16:06,900 --> 00:16:08,199 temptation is everywhere, 435 00:16:08,234 --> 00:16:10,501 it was coming from everywhere, right? 436 00:16:10,537 --> 00:16:13,871 I didn't get any less sexier. 437 00:16:13,907 --> 00:16:15,406 I'm sure that's not how you say that. 438 00:16:15,442 --> 00:16:16,541 -But... -I'm pretty sure 439 00:16:16,576 --> 00:16:18,876 it's less sexy, but proceed. 440 00:16:18,912 --> 00:16:20,478 -Okay. -[laughs] 441 00:16:20,513 --> 00:16:22,847 this is my marriage and, uh, 442 00:16:22,882 --> 00:16:26,084 this is what I signed up for forever, right? 443 00:16:26,119 --> 00:16:27,819 So I'm like... I'm like, 444 00:16:27,854 --> 00:16:28,853 "I'm gonna striking out here, 445 00:16:28,888 --> 00:16:30,088 like is it... 446 00:16:30,123 --> 00:16:31,489 It's got to be me." right? 447 00:16:31,524 --> 00:16:33,925 [laughter] 448 00:16:33,960 --> 00:16:35,326 it's me, you know what I mean? 449 00:16:35,362 --> 00:16:38,062 And so, that's when the fear 450 00:16:38,098 --> 00:16:40,164 sets in of, 451 00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:41,366 "I might not... 452 00:16:41,401 --> 00:16:43,234 I might just not be good at this." 453 00:16:44,704 --> 00:16:46,738 so, I'm a muslim, uh, practicing muslim. 454 00:16:46,773 --> 00:16:48,206 Uh, she is not. 455 00:16:48,241 --> 00:16:51,275 Um, she didn't consider herself 456 00:16:51,311 --> 00:16:54,379 very religious, but very, uh, a spiritual person. 457 00:16:54,414 --> 00:16:56,280 And I told her 458 00:16:56,316 --> 00:16:58,950 that my religion meant a lot to me. 459 00:16:58,985 --> 00:17:02,553 And I remember her telling me 460 00:17:02,589 --> 00:17:04,422 that her friends were worried. 461 00:17:04,457 --> 00:17:05,356 -They would... -I mean... 462 00:17:05,392 --> 00:17:06,257 ...They would call her 463 00:17:06,292 --> 00:17:07,725 and be worried. 464 00:17:07,761 --> 00:17:09,394 "are you gonna have to cover yourself up? 465 00:17:09,429 --> 00:17:10,762 Are you gonna have to walk behind..." 466 00:17:10,797 --> 00:17:12,764 just all the stereotypical things 467 00:17:12,799 --> 00:17:14,365 that we hear in america 468 00:17:14,401 --> 00:17:16,601 of what their religion is. 469 00:17:16,636 --> 00:17:18,036 I was like, "first of all, 470 00:17:18,071 --> 00:17:20,038 if you think I would ever date someone 471 00:17:20,073 --> 00:17:21,639 who would make me cover myself up 472 00:17:21,674 --> 00:17:23,875 and walk behind him, then you don't know me." 473 00:17:23,910 --> 00:17:26,411 but it was also very important for me 474 00:17:26,446 --> 00:17:29,313 to know exactly what that was or what I was... 475 00:17:29,349 --> 00:17:30,882 -Mmm-hmm. -...Marrying, uh, 476 00:17:30,917 --> 00:17:33,084 as far as his religion was concerned. 477 00:17:33,119 --> 00:17:35,653 And so, I called his mom on the phone one day. 478 00:17:35,688 --> 00:17:37,221 And I was like, "I want you teach me everything 479 00:17:37,257 --> 00:17:39,791 I need to know about what this is, 480 00:17:39,826 --> 00:17:41,893 so I can be respectful of it, 481 00:17:41,928 --> 00:17:44,829 so I can, uh, be a part 482 00:17:44,864 --> 00:17:46,898 of whatever I am can be a part of." 483 00:17:46,933 --> 00:17:49,000 and she explained to me how they got there, 484 00:17:49,035 --> 00:17:50,234 what it meant. 485 00:17:50,270 --> 00:17:52,236 And really, it was like, 486 00:17:52,272 --> 00:17:54,105 "oh, well, we feel the same way, 487 00:17:54,140 --> 00:17:55,239 -like, we have the..." -mmm-hmm. 488 00:17:55,275 --> 00:17:56,240 "...Same core values 489 00:17:56,276 --> 00:17:58,976 and the same moral compass." 490 00:17:59,012 --> 00:18:01,145 it's actually, uh, amazing religion 491 00:18:01,181 --> 00:18:04,282 and I'm so glad that our boys 492 00:18:04,317 --> 00:18:05,616 get to experience it. 493 00:18:05,652 --> 00:18:07,518 Well, it... 494 00:18:07,554 --> 00:18:10,488 Our... It's... For number one, it's a religion of peace. 495 00:18:10,523 --> 00:18:13,758 And I was... I'm very tuned into that 496 00:18:13,793 --> 00:18:16,461 and I wanted her to know in our relationship, 497 00:18:16,496 --> 00:18:18,696 that's my responsibility, 498 00:18:18,731 --> 00:18:21,966 uh, one of love, care, nurture, 499 00:18:22,001 --> 00:18:25,503 and respect, and discipline. 500 00:18:25,538 --> 00:18:27,505 Even we were... When we were broken up, 501 00:18:27,540 --> 00:18:29,340 when we were separated and not together, 502 00:18:29,375 --> 00:18:31,309 I still knew that I wanted to be with him. 503 00:18:31,344 --> 00:18:32,844 So it wasn't like it was a question. 504 00:18:32,879 --> 00:18:35,046 With him, I felt like he was defining himself, 505 00:18:35,081 --> 00:18:37,381 figuring out where he wanna be, 506 00:18:37,417 --> 00:18:39,650 who he wanna be with, and that whole thing. 507 00:18:39,686 --> 00:18:41,052 And I was just like... 508 00:18:41,087 --> 00:18:42,653 And I think he finally said that to me, 509 00:18:42,689 --> 00:18:44,055 because you were just like, you know, 510 00:18:44,090 --> 00:18:45,723 "I've just been trying to find my way." 511 00:18:45,758 --> 00:18:48,493 but for me, I always knew 512 00:18:48,528 --> 00:18:51,496 that it was the situation in a sense, so... 513 00:18:51,531 --> 00:18:54,198 And I just got out of a, what, five-year relationship. 514 00:18:54,234 --> 00:18:55,867 -Yeah. -So, I was... 515 00:18:55,902 --> 00:18:57,869 I... In my mind, 516 00:18:57,904 --> 00:19:00,738 I thought I was in a relationship 517 00:19:00,773 --> 00:19:03,174 that was probably gonna work out, 518 00:19:03,209 --> 00:19:04,575 you know, a different kind of way 519 00:19:04,611 --> 00:19:05,977 and then it didn't. 520 00:19:06,012 --> 00:19:08,212 You know what I mean? So, I'm like... 521 00:19:08,248 --> 00:19:09,714 I'm like, "I'm gonna striking out here. 522 00:19:09,749 --> 00:19:12,483 Like is it, it's got to be me, right?" 523 00:19:12,519 --> 00:19:14,385 [laughter] 524 00:19:14,420 --> 00:19:16,087 it's me, you know what I mean? 525 00:19:16,122 --> 00:19:18,589 And so, that's when the fear 526 00:19:18,625 --> 00:19:21,993 sets in of I might not... 527 00:19:22,028 --> 00:19:23,928 I might just not be good at this. 528 00:19:23,963 --> 00:19:26,898 Me believing that I was up for the task 529 00:19:26,933 --> 00:19:29,700 was more of me putting pressure on myself 530 00:19:29,736 --> 00:19:31,335 to be up for the task. 531 00:19:31,371 --> 00:19:35,339 And it was really about taking the leap, 532 00:19:35,375 --> 00:19:36,374 you know what I mean? 533 00:19:36,409 --> 00:19:38,376 And, you know... 534 00:19:38,411 --> 00:19:42,046 And being ready to climb 535 00:19:42,081 --> 00:19:44,749 whatever hill came after that. 536 00:19:44,784 --> 00:19:48,753 Even in two years of marriage, 537 00:19:48,788 --> 00:19:51,622 that's still a process. 538 00:19:51,658 --> 00:19:54,559 The arguments that we've had have, 539 00:19:54,594 --> 00:19:55,793 from my perspective, 540 00:19:55,828 --> 00:19:59,397 been more about us, 541 00:19:59,432 --> 00:20:02,600 what's happening internally with external pressures 542 00:20:02,635 --> 00:20:06,604 and not recognizing that we're stressed 543 00:20:06,639 --> 00:20:08,739 about holding things together until... 544 00:20:08,775 --> 00:20:10,608 Not recognizing that 545 00:20:10,643 --> 00:20:13,244 until then it comes out in, 546 00:20:13,279 --> 00:20:15,213 "you left the toothpaste top off, 547 00:20:15,248 --> 00:20:17,148 you don't love me. 548 00:20:17,183 --> 00:20:18,950 We need to figure..." you know? 549 00:20:18,985 --> 00:20:20,418 And it's like... 550 00:20:20,453 --> 00:20:23,087 And the thing that helped me was to realize 551 00:20:23,122 --> 00:20:26,257 that she's never personally 552 00:20:26,292 --> 00:20:28,793 doing something to hurt me. 553 00:20:28,828 --> 00:20:31,762 When... Even, you know, like, 554 00:20:31,798 --> 00:20:33,631 the things that have happened, 555 00:20:33,666 --> 00:20:35,600 if I say to myself, 556 00:20:35,635 --> 00:20:38,603 "okay. Does... Is erica really personally 557 00:20:38,638 --> 00:20:39,971 trying to hurt you 558 00:20:40,006 --> 00:20:42,106 or is this how you think about it?" 559 00:20:42,141 --> 00:20:43,908 a hundred percent of it is never, 560 00:20:43,943 --> 00:20:45,610 -"I wanna hurt you." -yeah. 561 00:20:45,645 --> 00:20:48,112 That it is, "you need to hear my heart, 562 00:20:48,147 --> 00:20:50,748 that you did something that your impact 563 00:20:50,783 --> 00:20:52,283 is different from your intent." 564 00:20:52,318 --> 00:20:54,919 and I know your intent was not to hurt me, 565 00:20:54,954 --> 00:20:56,921 but the impact was that it did 566 00:20:56,956 --> 00:21:00,324 and I need to not say it in the moment 567 00:21:00,360 --> 00:21:02,426 because if I do, it's not gonna come out like that. 568 00:21:02,462 --> 00:21:03,861 So let me take a couple of minutes 569 00:21:03,896 --> 00:21:05,763 and get myself together, so I can just come back 570 00:21:05,798 --> 00:21:07,965 and say, "I didn't like that." 571 00:21:08,001 --> 00:21:09,767 it was a little bit more challenging 572 00:21:09,802 --> 00:21:11,135 when we had children, 573 00:21:11,170 --> 00:21:15,006 because even though, I'm half mexican, 574 00:21:15,041 --> 00:21:17,141 so I grew up in a very catholic family. 575 00:21:17,176 --> 00:21:18,776 Like, my grandmother is very catholic. 576 00:21:18,811 --> 00:21:20,478 We went to church on christmas day and easter, 577 00:21:20,513 --> 00:21:21,712 and all those kind of things. 578 00:21:21,748 --> 00:21:24,215 And when you have kids, as you know, 579 00:21:24,250 --> 00:21:27,151 you want them to grow up in like you did 580 00:21:27,186 --> 00:21:28,519 and celebrate all the amazing things 581 00:21:28,554 --> 00:21:30,121 that made your childhood so great. 582 00:21:30,156 --> 00:21:31,789 The first year, it wasn't a big deal, 583 00:21:31,824 --> 00:21:33,024 because our son was really young 584 00:21:33,059 --> 00:21:35,059 and my family out in riverside, 585 00:21:35,094 --> 00:21:36,460 we would just to go 586 00:21:36,496 --> 00:21:38,029 do christmas eve at their house, 587 00:21:38,064 --> 00:21:40,031 -which originally... -When they do christmas eve, 588 00:21:40,066 --> 00:21:42,800 -they do christmas eve. -Yeah. We sing, we drink... 589 00:21:42,835 --> 00:21:44,535 -It's... -...We open one gift, 590 00:21:44,570 --> 00:21:46,871 -everybody opens one gift... -It's a... It's a production. 591 00:21:46,906 --> 00:21:48,406 It's fun. It's like the one time 592 00:21:48,441 --> 00:21:50,041 -everybody gets off -...The first year, I'm... 593 00:21:50,076 --> 00:21:51,409 ...So everybody could still be together. 594 00:21:51,444 --> 00:21:52,877 ...I'm like... 595 00:21:52,912 --> 00:21:54,211 Well, before we went, he's like, 596 00:21:54,247 --> 00:21:55,579 "I'm not singing no songs, 597 00:21:55,615 --> 00:21:57,148 -I'm not opening no presents." -I'm... 598 00:21:57,183 --> 00:21:58,883 I'm straight military on them. 599 00:21:58,918 --> 00:22:00,918 I was like, "okay, fine. You don't have to." 600 00:22:00,953 --> 00:22:02,053 -now... -I'm an idiot. 601 00:22:02,088 --> 00:22:03,087 ...When we got there, 602 00:22:03,122 --> 00:22:04,255 we're all singing out songs, 603 00:22:04,290 --> 00:22:05,256 and opening gifts, 604 00:22:05,291 --> 00:22:06,190 and playing all these games, 605 00:22:06,225 --> 00:22:07,425 he was like, 606 00:22:07,460 --> 00:22:08,659 -"I wanna do the... -I was like, 607 00:22:08,695 --> 00:22:10,094 "I don't get to sing a song?" 608 00:22:10,129 --> 00:22:11,896 "I wanna do the 12 days of christmas, please." 609 00:22:11,931 --> 00:22:13,597 and we're like, "oh, no, no, you don't wanna partake. 610 00:22:13,633 --> 00:22:14,832 You don't get a day of christmas." 611 00:22:14,867 --> 00:22:16,434 so then he started to loosen up 612 00:22:16,469 --> 00:22:18,002 about it a little bit and see that from my family, 613 00:22:18,037 --> 00:22:20,071 it wasn't really a religious thing as much. 614 00:22:20,106 --> 00:22:21,772 But when our kids got older, and therefore, 615 00:22:21,808 --> 00:22:23,541 I wanted to celebrate those things with them 616 00:22:23,576 --> 00:22:24,842 or we wanna... 617 00:22:24,877 --> 00:22:27,278 So I think our son was like, two, 618 00:22:27,313 --> 00:22:28,579 I was, like, two and a half 619 00:22:28,614 --> 00:22:30,114 going on three, and I was like, "okay, 620 00:22:30,149 --> 00:22:31,849 so it's time to talk about the christmas tree." 621 00:22:31,884 --> 00:22:33,517 she said, "I want a christmas tree." I'm like, "no." 622 00:22:33,553 --> 00:22:35,519 I want a christmas tree and he was like, "nope." 623 00:22:35,555 --> 00:22:37,888 I was like, "listen, we're not... 624 00:22:37,924 --> 00:22:40,891 We... It has to be where I respect you 625 00:22:40,927 --> 00:22:42,960 and what you believe and you have to offer 626 00:22:42,995 --> 00:22:44,061 -the same respect to me." -yeah. 627 00:22:44,097 --> 00:22:45,029 I'm not telling you 628 00:22:45,064 --> 00:22:45,930 that we're gonna go 629 00:22:45,965 --> 00:22:46,964 celebrate jesus christ. 630 00:22:46,999 --> 00:22:48,366 I'm not doing any of that. 631 00:22:48,401 --> 00:22:49,900 I'm asking you to get a christmas tree, 632 00:22:49,936 --> 00:22:52,570 so our son can decorate the christmas tree 633 00:22:52,605 --> 00:22:54,405 and we can celebrate how we... 634 00:22:54,440 --> 00:22:56,073 How I celebrate what that is. 635 00:22:56,109 --> 00:22:58,242 -Sounds good. No. -The man, "no." 636 00:22:58,277 --> 00:22:59,710 -[laughter] -I was like, 637 00:22:59,746 --> 00:23:01,879 "oh, this is... This is gonna be a problem." 638 00:23:01,914 --> 00:23:03,981 -I was like, "yeah, yeah, I get it." -and it's the first time we... 639 00:23:04,016 --> 00:23:05,916 It's the first time we had, 640 00:23:05,952 --> 00:23:07,918 like, a situation when it came to our religion. 641 00:23:07,954 --> 00:23:09,320 I'm like, "yeah, I feel you, sister. 642 00:23:09,355 --> 00:23:11,055 Yeah, yeah, you wanna do that, but no." 643 00:23:11,090 --> 00:23:13,657 -yeah. -It was... It was... It was bad. 644 00:23:13,693 --> 00:23:15,726 She let me know, "listen, 645 00:23:15,762 --> 00:23:17,928 I'm not going through another divorce. 646 00:23:17,964 --> 00:23:20,331 I'm not... I'm not desperate, 647 00:23:20,366 --> 00:23:23,167 but it's not... I'm not here to get a divorce, 648 00:23:23,202 --> 00:23:25,469 so if problems, you know, arise, 649 00:23:25,505 --> 00:23:27,972 we can work it out, you know, 650 00:23:28,007 --> 00:23:31,041 uh, quit using that divorce word." 651 00:23:31,911 --> 00:23:36,414 [man speaking] 652 00:23:36,449 --> 00:23:38,215 you wanna go there? 653 00:23:38,251 --> 00:23:41,919 -A lot. -[laughter] 654 00:23:41,954 --> 00:23:45,423 you know what? Man, um, 655 00:23:45,458 --> 00:23:49,093 a lot of... A lot of my mishaps 656 00:23:49,128 --> 00:23:51,429 and poor decision-making 657 00:23:51,464 --> 00:23:54,231 had a lot to do with me being an entertainer. 658 00:23:54,267 --> 00:23:57,168 Um, I'll leave with 659 00:23:58,438 --> 00:24:00,805 the entertainer industry 660 00:24:00,840 --> 00:24:02,907 doesn't promote healthy. 661 00:24:02,942 --> 00:24:04,475 You know what I mean? 662 00:24:04,510 --> 00:24:08,846 It doesn't... It doesn't promote prosperity 663 00:24:08,881 --> 00:24:11,515 in the things that we grew up in, 664 00:24:11,551 --> 00:24:13,684 it doesn't promote that. 665 00:24:13,719 --> 00:24:17,087 Um, and I've... I, all of a sudden, 666 00:24:17,123 --> 00:24:21,625 become this artist that's like the sex symbol, 667 00:24:21,661 --> 00:24:24,695 and I'm straight from church, 668 00:24:24,730 --> 00:24:27,865 [clears throat] and now, I have this different... 669 00:24:27,900 --> 00:24:31,635 This different access and this different notoriety, 670 00:24:31,671 --> 00:24:35,840 like, that will messed you up. 671 00:24:35,875 --> 00:24:37,608 You know what I mean? As a kid, you know, 672 00:24:37,643 --> 00:24:39,543 coming from the dmv and just... 673 00:24:39,579 --> 00:24:41,312 And just trying to sing, 674 00:24:41,347 --> 00:24:43,280 and used to just being a background singer 675 00:24:43,316 --> 00:24:44,448 for ginuwine, and, you know, 676 00:24:44,484 --> 00:24:45,616 used to playing backup, and now, 677 00:24:45,651 --> 00:24:47,551 they're screaming your name. 678 00:24:47,587 --> 00:24:50,654 And you're like, "I wonder why they're screaming my name. 679 00:24:50,690 --> 00:24:52,890 And... Well, let's see." 680 00:24:52,925 --> 00:24:56,894 um, and so you start to take advantage 681 00:24:56,929 --> 00:24:59,396 of that access. 682 00:24:59,432 --> 00:25:02,566 And before you know it... 683 00:25:02,602 --> 00:25:05,135 Before you know it, it's not even... 684 00:25:05,171 --> 00:25:07,071 It's not even a thought 685 00:25:07,106 --> 00:25:09,073 of if you should partake, 686 00:25:09,108 --> 00:25:11,709 it just become second nature. 687 00:25:11,744 --> 00:25:12,843 And so 688 00:25:14,714 --> 00:25:16,380 you have to go through a process 689 00:25:16,415 --> 00:25:20,184 of killing those bad habits. 690 00:25:20,219 --> 00:25:21,752 You know what I mean? Which have... 691 00:25:21,787 --> 00:25:25,322 Which are deeply embedded and rooted 692 00:25:25,358 --> 00:25:27,324 into everything... 693 00:25:27,360 --> 00:25:30,261 Not just you, but everything that surrounds you. 694 00:25:30,296 --> 00:25:34,164 Getting to this point with her was like, 695 00:25:34,200 --> 00:25:37,101 you know, it was... It was hard. 696 00:25:37,136 --> 00:25:38,702 You know what I mean? But it was, uh... 697 00:25:38,738 --> 00:25:41,438 It was... It was absolutely worth it. 698 00:25:41,474 --> 00:25:46,343 My sister is married and her husband isn't muslim. 699 00:25:46,379 --> 00:25:49,947 And I remember seeing pictures of... 700 00:25:49,982 --> 00:25:51,682 And I'm like, "oh, so you got a christmas tree 701 00:25:51,717 --> 00:25:53,350 -in the house, huh? Jamela, I'm..." -come on, see. 702 00:25:53,386 --> 00:25:54,785 I'm like, "jamela, uh, sister, 703 00:25:54,820 --> 00:25:56,754 you got a christmas tree in your house, huh?" 704 00:25:56,789 --> 00:25:59,423 and she is like, "boy, nobody got no time for all of that." 705 00:25:59,458 --> 00:26:02,459 like, she just... I had a conversation with her 706 00:26:02,495 --> 00:26:05,396 and she had... She really opened me up to look, 707 00:26:05,431 --> 00:26:08,566 uh, you're just not in the marriage yourself, right? 708 00:26:08,601 --> 00:26:11,468 You have to... There has to be give and take. 709 00:26:11,504 --> 00:26:15,272 You guys have to be able to co-exist 710 00:26:15,308 --> 00:26:18,375 and enjoy things that one another like to do. 711 00:26:18,411 --> 00:26:20,077 And by the next year, actually, 712 00:26:20,112 --> 00:26:23,981 our son had been old enough to like during ramadan... 713 00:26:24,016 --> 00:26:26,817 -Mmm-hmm. -...Partake in that with him. 714 00:26:26,852 --> 00:26:28,485 -And which is, of course... -Which is... 715 00:26:28,521 --> 00:26:30,554 ...I want him to do. So ramadan, the month... 716 00:26:30,590 --> 00:26:33,157 Why am I explaining it? You can explain it. 717 00:26:33,192 --> 00:26:35,626 -That's... You're in tuned, you're locked in. -Yes. 718 00:26:35,661 --> 00:26:38,963 Um, ramadan in the, uh, the islamic religion, 719 00:26:38,998 --> 00:26:40,798 muslim religion is our holy month 720 00:26:40,833 --> 00:26:42,633 where we fast for 30 days. 721 00:26:42,668 --> 00:26:45,102 -She was gracious... -I did. 722 00:26:45,137 --> 00:26:46,470 ...Enough to fast with me. 723 00:26:46,505 --> 00:26:47,972 Be... It's just about understanding. 724 00:26:48,007 --> 00:26:49,907 Yeah. Number one, understand 725 00:26:49,942 --> 00:26:51,575 the other person, right? 726 00:26:51,611 --> 00:26:53,143 I'm like, "I ain't never had no christmas tree. 727 00:26:53,179 --> 00:26:54,445 I ain't getting no christmas tree." 728 00:26:54,480 --> 00:26:55,846 right? Like, that was my mentality. 729 00:26:55,881 --> 00:26:57,748 That's how I grew up. 730 00:26:57,783 --> 00:27:00,184 -But she was like, "but... -I'm a... But I'm fasting? 731 00:27:00,219 --> 00:27:02,853 ...We always... Right, that was the thing. 732 00:27:02,888 --> 00:27:06,190 -She was like... -And our son, who's also my son, 733 00:27:06,225 --> 00:27:08,325 who's also half of me, 734 00:27:08,361 --> 00:27:10,361 is participating in what you participate in. 735 00:27:10,396 --> 00:27:12,029 -Mmm-hmm. -So there's no way you're gonna tell me 736 00:27:12,064 --> 00:27:13,297 that he's not gonna participate 737 00:27:13,332 --> 00:27:14,632 in what I participate in. 738 00:27:14,667 --> 00:27:16,200 So by the second year, 739 00:27:16,235 --> 00:27:18,669 I had a little bit of more, 740 00:27:18,704 --> 00:27:20,337 like, ground to stand on where I would say... 741 00:27:20,373 --> 00:27:22,306 But it wasn't even that, it was just... I was more... 742 00:27:22,341 --> 00:27:24,441 -And he had involved. Yes. -...Open in... 743 00:27:24,477 --> 00:27:26,343 ...And you have to evolve in your marriage. 744 00:27:26,379 --> 00:27:28,312 She let me know, "listen, 745 00:27:28,347 --> 00:27:30,814 I'm not going through another divorce. 746 00:27:30,850 --> 00:27:33,283 I'm not... I'm not desperate 747 00:27:33,319 --> 00:27:36,020 but it's not... I'm not here to get a divorce. 748 00:27:36,055 --> 00:27:39,623 So if problems, you know, arise, we can work it out, 749 00:27:39,659 --> 00:27:43,827 you know, uh, quit using that divorce word. 750 00:27:43,863 --> 00:27:45,462 You know, quit using it." so now, 751 00:27:45,498 --> 00:27:47,564 we don't even say it, you know. 752 00:27:47,600 --> 00:27:49,700 Uh, we... And I'm gonna tell you, too. 753 00:27:49,735 --> 00:27:52,670 In the 10 years, I don't think we've ever slept apart. 754 00:27:52,705 --> 00:27:54,071 -Uh-uh. -I think you tried to sleep and... 755 00:27:54,106 --> 00:27:55,339 -Oh, yeah. -...I went out there, 756 00:27:55,374 --> 00:27:56,507 I was like, "well, uh, scoot over." 757 00:27:56,542 --> 00:27:57,641 I tried to sleep on the couch. 758 00:27:57,677 --> 00:27:59,176 -Scoot... Well, I'm... -Out here on the couch. 759 00:27:59,211 --> 00:28:00,577 You better scoot over. 760 00:28:00,613 --> 00:28:02,513 No, he came and laid a pallet on the floor... 761 00:28:02,548 --> 00:28:03,647 -Yeah. -...Next to the couch. 762 00:28:03,683 --> 00:28:05,082 -Yeah. -And I was like, "okay. 763 00:28:05,117 --> 00:28:06,750 Old man, let's go get in the bed, 764 00:28:06,786 --> 00:28:08,552 because you're gonna wake up talking about your hip." 765 00:28:08,587 --> 00:28:11,889 during that moment, I was really afraid, um... 766 00:28:11,924 --> 00:28:13,357 -Yeah. -...But you were there. 767 00:28:13,392 --> 00:28:15,325 -He didn't get scared. -I was scared. 768 00:28:15,361 --> 00:28:16,493 See, now you're making me tear up. 769 00:28:16,529 --> 00:28:17,428 -Oh. -[laughter] 770 00:28:18,798 --> 00:28:20,330 I had, uh, a surgery, uh, scare 771 00:28:20,366 --> 00:28:22,666 with fibroids because, you know, 772 00:28:22,702 --> 00:28:25,302 that happens to a lot of us black women. 773 00:28:25,337 --> 00:28:28,338 And, uh, and what's funny is... 774 00:28:28,374 --> 00:28:30,808 Not funny, but I was more concerned 775 00:28:30,843 --> 00:28:33,343 with where they put the tube in my throat, because... 776 00:28:33,379 --> 00:28:35,112 -Yeah. -...I'm a... I'm a singer. 777 00:28:35,147 --> 00:28:36,480 I said, "honey, make sure 778 00:28:36,515 --> 00:28:38,015 they don't put that in my throat," 779 00:28:38,050 --> 00:28:40,350 as I'm fading away on anesthesia, [laughs] 780 00:28:40,386 --> 00:28:42,920 and the doctor was, like, "we may have to do it." 781 00:28:42,955 --> 00:28:45,155 I think he probably told him, "don't tell her the truth." 782 00:28:45,191 --> 00:28:46,623 -yeah, they did. -"don't tell her. 783 00:28:46,659 --> 00:28:48,358 Because she won't go and get the help," 784 00:28:48,394 --> 00:28:50,761 because it was... When he met me, 785 00:28:50,796 --> 00:28:52,496 I was full of energy and all this... 786 00:28:52,531 --> 00:28:54,598 You know, and he's seen me 787 00:28:54,633 --> 00:28:57,534 change into this different, uh, person. 788 00:28:57,570 --> 00:28:59,703 So the challenge was, 789 00:28:59,739 --> 00:29:01,839 "gosh, do I have the operation 790 00:29:01,874 --> 00:29:04,708 to get this thing, uh, removed, 791 00:29:04,744 --> 00:29:06,310 so that I... This fibroid removed, 792 00:29:06,345 --> 00:29:08,178 so I can have myself back?" 793 00:29:08,214 --> 00:29:10,180 and, uh, we went through that. 794 00:29:10,216 --> 00:29:12,116 I'd never seen him so afraid. 795 00:29:12,151 --> 00:29:14,985 Like, that was the first time I've ever seen ron just... 796 00:29:15,020 --> 00:29:17,354 I saw you just freaked out. 797 00:29:17,389 --> 00:29:21,024 What I do remember is... That second argument, 798 00:29:21,060 --> 00:29:25,362 what I do remember is that was in 2013, 799 00:29:25,397 --> 00:29:27,364 and his father was in the hospital... 800 00:29:27,399 --> 00:29:28,365 -Oh, that's right. -...And my mother was in the hospital. 801 00:29:28,400 --> 00:29:29,633 Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 802 00:29:29,668 --> 00:29:31,368 Both of them were in the hospital 803 00:29:31,403 --> 00:29:33,470 and both of us afraid. 804 00:29:33,506 --> 00:29:35,672 My mother had been diagnosed with cancer, 805 00:29:35,708 --> 00:29:38,742 his father was approaching 80 and had health issues, 806 00:29:38,778 --> 00:29:40,544 -and we were both scared. -Mmm-hmm. 807 00:29:40,579 --> 00:29:43,247 And, uh, it was... It was... It had to be something stupid, 808 00:29:43,282 --> 00:29:44,681 because we can't even remember what it was. 809 00:29:44,717 --> 00:29:45,883 Yeah. Can't remember it. 810 00:29:45,918 --> 00:29:48,051 But we both were just like, 811 00:29:48,087 --> 00:29:49,753 -[makes sound] -yeah. 812 00:29:49,789 --> 00:29:52,890 And then I was like, "okay. 813 00:29:52,925 --> 00:29:54,758 I need to get in the car and drive," 814 00:29:54,794 --> 00:29:57,027 -which triggered abandonment. -Mmm-hmm. 815 00:29:57,062 --> 00:30:00,397 You cannot leave, which triggered control. 816 00:30:00,432 --> 00:30:02,833 -I can do what I wanna do. -[chuckles] 817 00:30:02,868 --> 00:30:06,170 [chuckles] so, that was like... 818 00:30:06,205 --> 00:30:07,871 -Yeah. -[makes sound] 819 00:30:07,907 --> 00:30:11,008 thank god, we're not physical people, you know. 820 00:30:11,043 --> 00:30:13,443 But we both, you know, have an energy that's, 821 00:30:13,479 --> 00:30:15,012 like, "no." 822 00:30:15,047 --> 00:30:17,447 um, but we were... It... And it was... 823 00:30:17,483 --> 00:30:20,417 And I don't even know how it stopped, 824 00:30:20,452 --> 00:30:22,686 but somehow, we've realized, 825 00:30:22,721 --> 00:30:25,622 like, we're both insane in this moment. 826 00:30:25,658 --> 00:30:28,592 Yeah. And it ended with us both sitting down, 827 00:30:28,627 --> 00:30:30,394 not even touching or embracing each other, 828 00:30:30,429 --> 00:30:32,396 but we both were just crying. 829 00:30:32,431 --> 00:30:35,032 And I was just like, 830 00:30:35,067 --> 00:30:39,870 "our parents' mortality is in front of us." 831 00:30:39,905 --> 00:30:43,073 and we have never talked about how scary that is. 832 00:30:43,108 --> 00:30:44,474 Right. 833 00:30:44,510 --> 00:30:45,909 I got diagnosed 834 00:30:45,945 --> 00:30:48,111 with crohn's disease in April 1st, 835 00:30:48,147 --> 00:30:50,280 -April fools' day, 1997... -Mmm-hmm. 836 00:30:50,316 --> 00:30:53,317 ...So I would have a lot of stomach pains 837 00:30:53,352 --> 00:30:55,719 and just couldn't eat. I would have a desire to eat. 838 00:30:55,754 --> 00:30:58,889 Um, I would want to eat, but when I would start to eat, 839 00:30:58,924 --> 00:31:00,657 then I would have a lot of pain. 840 00:31:00,693 --> 00:31:01,959 Um, so I was going to the doctor, 841 00:31:01,994 --> 00:31:03,260 they just couldn't figure it out. 842 00:31:03,295 --> 00:31:04,728 "maybe you have an ulcer, maybe you have this, 843 00:31:04,763 --> 00:31:06,630 maybe you have that." it was challenging, 844 00:31:06,665 --> 00:31:08,565 I think, to wanna open up 845 00:31:08,601 --> 00:31:10,434 with someone that you're intimate with, 846 00:31:10,469 --> 00:31:12,436 someone that you knew, um, 847 00:31:12,471 --> 00:31:15,906 to, um, to say that I have an autoimmune disease 848 00:31:15,941 --> 00:31:17,174 that's not curable, 849 00:31:17,209 --> 00:31:19,109 and these are the things that happened. 850 00:31:19,144 --> 00:31:21,144 Um, and I know that rodney, at one point, 851 00:31:21,180 --> 00:31:23,113 has shared with me, that he had dated someone 852 00:31:23,148 --> 00:31:25,282 who had had some medical issues 853 00:31:25,317 --> 00:31:28,085 and how it was kind of disparaging for him, 854 00:31:28,120 --> 00:31:29,786 and he really didn't like it, and so... 855 00:31:29,822 --> 00:31:33,323 -I couldn't take it. -...That further suppressed 856 00:31:33,359 --> 00:31:36,193 my desire and willingness to wanna share, right? 857 00:31:36,228 --> 00:31:37,995 Because with crohn's disease, autoimmune, 858 00:31:38,030 --> 00:31:39,663 it's not... There's no cure for it. 859 00:31:39,698 --> 00:31:42,866 So, I had no idea at that point where we were going, 860 00:31:42,902 --> 00:31:44,601 where our relationship was going, 861 00:31:44,637 --> 00:31:47,004 what the disease process was doing to my body. 862 00:31:47,039 --> 00:31:50,140 Um, and so, I... 863 00:31:50,175 --> 00:31:51,708 That was pretty difficult. 864 00:31:51,744 --> 00:31:53,610 -Um... -It was. It was, I remember. 865 00:31:53,646 --> 00:31:55,479 That part, I mentioned earlier, 866 00:31:55,514 --> 00:31:57,347 had to become more of an adult in a way, right? 867 00:31:57,383 --> 00:32:00,884 That part, and the, uh, previous relationship, 868 00:32:00,920 --> 00:32:02,152 I didn't handle it. 869 00:32:02,187 --> 00:32:04,621 Honestly, I didn't. 870 00:32:04,657 --> 00:32:06,490 But when I met her, right? 871 00:32:06,525 --> 00:32:08,558 I wanted to be able to take in 872 00:32:08,594 --> 00:32:11,795 all that came to me from this woman, right? 873 00:32:11,830 --> 00:32:14,131 Because, uh, I felt like I could absorb it all, 874 00:32:14,166 --> 00:32:16,300 because of who she was, and the way that she was... 875 00:32:16,335 --> 00:32:19,636 Um, just the greatness of it all. 876 00:32:19,672 --> 00:32:21,204 It was all... Just like, 877 00:32:21,240 --> 00:32:23,807 I have to be a part of whatever this is, right? 878 00:32:23,842 --> 00:32:26,410 But I remember going to the doctor, and in there, 879 00:32:26,445 --> 00:32:28,845 and, you know, I don't wanna stay, 880 00:32:28,881 --> 00:32:31,648 and, you know, we got kids, and it's just tough, it's... 881 00:32:31,684 --> 00:32:34,584 The weight is heavy, um, 882 00:32:34,620 --> 00:32:36,520 but I stood strong, you know. 883 00:32:36,555 --> 00:32:38,422 And I ain't looking for no award or nothing, 884 00:32:38,457 --> 00:32:40,223 because she was... Certainly, she was going through it, 885 00:32:40,259 --> 00:32:44,227 but I was making myself available to it completely. 886 00:32:44,263 --> 00:32:48,231 I think it was just really kind of feeling helpless 887 00:32:48,267 --> 00:32:51,335 that I, you know... 888 00:32:51,370 --> 00:32:53,570 Even like if I could and I had the background, 889 00:32:53,605 --> 00:32:56,573 I would have just went in and did it myself but, 890 00:32:56,608 --> 00:32:57,774 you know, I'm in the waiting room... 891 00:32:57,810 --> 00:32:59,109 And actually, I didn't... 892 00:32:59,144 --> 00:33:01,044 I didn't really stay in there. 893 00:33:01,080 --> 00:33:04,548 I think I circled that hospital about 30 times... 894 00:33:04,583 --> 00:33:06,550 -He's a walker. -...Before coming in... 895 00:33:06,585 --> 00:33:08,952 -What a walker. -...Because I had to get it off my brain, 896 00:33:08,988 --> 00:33:10,787 and I was freaking out. 897 00:33:10,823 --> 00:33:12,356 But I had to be strong for her, 898 00:33:12,391 --> 00:33:15,192 even when she was, you know, coming to and all, 899 00:33:15,227 --> 00:33:16,460 and... "you're okay?" "yeah." 900 00:33:16,495 --> 00:33:17,961 "all right. Yeah, I gotta do this? 901 00:33:17,997 --> 00:33:20,230 Let me get the medication. All right, cool." 902 00:33:20,265 --> 00:33:22,032 heart is raising and stuff like this, 903 00:33:22,067 --> 00:33:23,433 -it's like... -He had everything done. 904 00:33:23,469 --> 00:33:24,768 ...I said, "I'm gonna pass out in here, 905 00:33:24,803 --> 00:33:26,970 you guys go ahead." [laughs] 906 00:33:27,006 --> 00:33:28,972 you... I mean, but when I woke up, 907 00:33:29,008 --> 00:33:31,208 -everything was taken care of... -Yeah. 908 00:33:31,243 --> 00:33:32,743 ...Like, I even tried to get up. 909 00:33:32,778 --> 00:33:34,077 I'm like, "okay. That's over. Let's go." 910 00:33:34,113 --> 00:33:35,712 -yeah. -He's like, "wait, 911 00:33:35,748 --> 00:33:36,947 you gotta lay here for a minute." 912 00:33:36,982 --> 00:33:38,415 -yeah. -You know, so... 913 00:33:38,450 --> 00:33:40,884 But it's just being there for someone, 914 00:33:40,919 --> 00:33:43,620 because it's, you know, you're kind of prepared, 915 00:33:43,655 --> 00:33:45,155 but you're not, you know. Someone gets sick, 916 00:33:45,190 --> 00:33:46,790 they get the cold, you know, 917 00:33:46,825 --> 00:33:48,658 "okay. I'mma get you some noodle soup or whatever." 918 00:33:48,694 --> 00:33:50,660 but when it's something like really serious, 919 00:33:50,696 --> 00:33:53,663 it tests the relationship. 920 00:33:53,699 --> 00:33:55,298 I was really concerned that I wouldn't be able 921 00:33:55,334 --> 00:33:57,467 to have kids or what that would look like 922 00:33:57,503 --> 00:33:58,635 for my crohn's disease, 923 00:33:58,670 --> 00:33:59,970 to be able to have healthy children. 924 00:34:00,005 --> 00:34:01,438 Um... 925 00:34:01,473 --> 00:34:02,906 And she was premature, our daughter, right? 926 00:34:02,941 --> 00:34:04,474 Yeah. Yeah. My... Our oldest, 927 00:34:04,510 --> 00:34:07,144 um, daughter, we actually... I had, 928 00:34:07,179 --> 00:34:09,312 like, a severe case of preeclampsia. 929 00:34:09,348 --> 00:34:10,947 So, it was a real quite the situation. 930 00:34:10,983 --> 00:34:15,652 Indeed. I had to sign papers about if something happens 931 00:34:15,687 --> 00:34:17,687 to your child and you're... 932 00:34:17,723 --> 00:34:19,523 And try to... And then... And then identify themselves, 933 00:34:19,558 --> 00:34:20,690 this was crazy, right? 934 00:34:20,726 --> 00:34:22,325 I'm like, "man, uh..." you know, 935 00:34:22,361 --> 00:34:24,628 it puts you in a bad... Uh, a horrible position, 936 00:34:24,663 --> 00:34:26,963 because it's like, "I love this woman, right? 937 00:34:26,999 --> 00:34:28,265 I ain't... And we have a child, 938 00:34:28,300 --> 00:34:29,833 I never met this child before, right?" 939 00:34:29,868 --> 00:34:31,835 but I kind of decide, this is crazy. 940 00:34:31,870 --> 00:34:33,804 I don't think anybody should ever had to deal with that. 941 00:34:33,839 --> 00:34:35,038 You know what I'm saying? Just... 942 00:34:35,074 --> 00:34:36,473 [sighs] [laughs] 943 00:34:36,508 --> 00:34:38,608 so then after, um, our first daughter 944 00:34:38,644 --> 00:34:42,179 was born premature and then rodney went through that. 945 00:34:42,214 --> 00:34:44,147 And I think all these lessons have toughened you up, 946 00:34:44,183 --> 00:34:45,482 -I mean, I'm sure. -I hope so, yeah. 947 00:34:45,517 --> 00:34:47,117 -[laughs] -it certainly was rough. 948 00:34:47,152 --> 00:34:49,319 And, um, my health was fine, 949 00:34:49,354 --> 00:34:52,556 I felt my very best when I was pregnant with both of my kids. 950 00:34:52,591 --> 00:34:55,859 Um, and then probably ten years later, 951 00:34:55,894 --> 00:34:58,228 the crohn's disease raises, uh, yet again 952 00:34:58,263 --> 00:35:00,197 and had another obstruction. 953 00:35:00,232 --> 00:35:03,033 And so this time, rodney was present for that surgery. 954 00:35:03,068 --> 00:35:04,901 -Mmm-hmm. -And I had lot 955 00:35:04,937 --> 00:35:07,204 of complications, um, blood loss, 956 00:35:07,239 --> 00:35:08,805 needed blood transfusions. 957 00:35:08,841 --> 00:35:11,074 I was in the hospital for a long time. 958 00:35:11,110 --> 00:35:14,578 And he would come, but he would come 959 00:35:14,613 --> 00:35:16,146 and sporadically stay five minutes, 960 00:35:16,181 --> 00:35:17,347 "hey, how are you doing?" 961 00:35:17,382 --> 00:35:18,482 and then he would leave, right? 962 00:35:18,517 --> 00:35:20,217 But at the time, we had two kids. 963 00:35:20,252 --> 00:35:21,985 Um, but he would never really stay, 964 00:35:22,020 --> 00:35:24,221 um, in the hospital. 965 00:35:25,958 --> 00:35:27,190 I go to the hospital and I absorbed whatever energy 966 00:35:27,226 --> 00:35:28,692 is in the room, right? 967 00:35:28,727 --> 00:35:34,197 Doctor, my wife whom I love, uh, you know, 968 00:35:34,233 --> 00:35:38,435 just a pressured situation, diseases happening. 969 00:35:38,470 --> 00:35:41,338 And then you go home and I gotta be 970 00:35:41,373 --> 00:35:42,305 with my kids, right? 971 00:35:42,341 --> 00:35:44,007 So, I don't wanna... 972 00:35:44,042 --> 00:35:46,276 I wanna try to wash all that off before I get to them, 973 00:35:46,311 --> 00:35:47,477 but it was tough. You know what I mean? 974 00:35:47,513 --> 00:35:49,179 It's their mom, too. 975 00:35:49,214 --> 00:35:52,816 Uh, so that was a stormy weather, 976 00:35:52,851 --> 00:35:56,553 in the sense that my homie is in distress, right? 977 00:35:56,588 --> 00:35:58,288 It was, uh... 978 00:35:58,323 --> 00:36:00,824 And then I gotta do all this necessary to make sure 979 00:36:00,859 --> 00:36:05,295 our children have the best semblance of okay. 980 00:36:05,330 --> 00:36:06,730 -Mmm-hmm. -You know what I'm saying? 981 00:36:06,765 --> 00:36:08,565 Well, I felt lonely at the time, right? 982 00:36:08,600 --> 00:36:10,901 -[laughs] -and I wanted him to be there, 983 00:36:10,936 --> 00:36:13,703 um, but, you know, 984 00:36:13,739 --> 00:36:15,505 when you deal with a chronic illness, 985 00:36:15,541 --> 00:36:19,976 you're so focused on making sure that you're whole, right? 986 00:36:20,012 --> 00:36:22,078 I don't think I was really so much focused 987 00:36:22,114 --> 00:36:25,182 on whether or not how long he was there, 988 00:36:25,217 --> 00:36:26,850 but just to be able to see him, 989 00:36:26,885 --> 00:36:29,152 and for him to come, and visit, and be there, 990 00:36:29,188 --> 00:36:31,221 you say those vows, for better or for worse, 991 00:36:31,256 --> 00:36:33,423 you know, rich or for poor, sickness and in health, 992 00:36:33,458 --> 00:36:36,560 and I think that's what you sign up for. 993 00:36:36,595 --> 00:36:40,497 Um, and he did. 994 00:36:40,532 --> 00:36:42,232 He did exactly that. 995 00:36:42,267 --> 00:36:47,070 So within that context, you have a partner, right? 996 00:36:47,105 --> 00:36:49,105 But then, you know, rodney talks about, 997 00:36:49,141 --> 00:36:50,774 you know, ebonics, 998 00:36:50,809 --> 00:36:52,909 then you have a partner, right? 999 00:36:52,945 --> 00:36:54,377 -[laughs] -[shelitha] a partner 1000 00:36:54,413 --> 00:36:55,679 and a partner. 1001 00:36:55,714 --> 00:37:00,217 He keeps it balanced for me. 1002 00:37:01,920 --> 00:37:03,587 She's a very sentimental person. 1003 00:37:03,622 --> 00:37:05,088 You know what I mean? 1004 00:37:05,123 --> 00:37:08,458 So, she's very good at just being thoughtful 1005 00:37:08,493 --> 00:37:13,597 and really doing things from the heart. 1006 00:37:13,632 --> 00:37:15,065 You know what I mean? 1007 00:37:15,100 --> 00:37:16,967 And, like, she framed some pictures for me 1008 00:37:17,002 --> 00:37:19,202 one time of all my kids, 1009 00:37:19,238 --> 00:37:20,704 like, it's... I didn't... I didn't have 1010 00:37:20,739 --> 00:37:23,473 any of my kids framed or anything like that, 1011 00:37:23,508 --> 00:37:26,309 and she found moments that were really cool that we had, 1012 00:37:26,345 --> 00:37:28,111 and just framed them, and then gave them to me 1013 00:37:28,146 --> 00:37:29,746 as gifts, and I cried a little bit then, 1014 00:37:29,781 --> 00:37:30,981 I was like, "what is this..." 1015 00:37:31,016 --> 00:37:32,115 -he cried. -"what's this control 1016 00:37:32,150 --> 00:37:33,750 that you have over my tears?" 1017 00:37:33,785 --> 00:37:35,552 like, I don't be doing all this crying, I'm a thug. 1018 00:37:35,587 --> 00:37:36,920 You understand what I'm saying? 1019 00:37:36,955 --> 00:37:38,722 [zena] it feels awesome to me, 1020 00:37:38,757 --> 00:37:41,758 to be able to give our kids a great example of marriage. 1021 00:37:41,793 --> 00:37:43,593 I feel like what we have is a great example 1022 00:37:43,629 --> 00:37:45,562 of marriage and I hope that they see that. 1023 00:37:45,597 --> 00:37:47,731 And I hope that they take that 1024 00:37:47,766 --> 00:37:49,566 into their relationships when they get older, 1025 00:37:49,601 --> 00:37:51,901 when they get married, and, you know, 1026 00:37:51,937 --> 00:37:55,272 just live the same way. 1027 00:37:55,307 --> 00:37:58,608 Mmm-hmm. I think I'm kind of... 1028 00:37:58,644 --> 00:38:00,343 I'm split. You know what I'm saying? 1029 00:38:00,379 --> 00:38:02,078 In terms of that. 1030 00:38:02,114 --> 00:38:03,480 In terms of us, and our marriage, 1031 00:38:03,515 --> 00:38:06,583 and our kids, um, awesome, 1032 00:38:06,618 --> 00:38:08,351 everything that you just said. 1033 00:38:08,387 --> 00:38:13,623 But I have kids from another marriage where it's like... 1034 00:38:13,659 --> 00:38:17,594 You know, trying to figure out what that's gonna 1035 00:38:17,629 --> 00:38:18,962 look like for them, 1036 00:38:18,997 --> 00:38:20,430 what their understanding of all that is... 1037 00:38:20,465 --> 00:38:22,265 All of that is gonna be. 1038 00:38:22,301 --> 00:38:24,000 And so, you know, a lot of times 1039 00:38:24,036 --> 00:38:26,269 I'm in a place where I'm trying 1040 00:38:26,305 --> 00:38:29,205 to just overcompensate to be there, 1041 00:38:29,241 --> 00:38:31,541 to make sure that, you know, "okay. Listen, 1042 00:38:31,576 --> 00:38:32,976 things don't always work out, 1043 00:38:33,011 --> 00:38:34,944 but the love for you is everything." 1044 00:38:34,980 --> 00:38:36,279 you know what I mean? 1045 00:38:36,315 --> 00:38:38,682 And really trying to make that a thing, 1046 00:38:38,717 --> 00:38:42,519 but, um, even in... Even in that, 1047 00:38:42,554 --> 00:38:45,021 I'm hoping that this, you know, 1048 00:38:45,057 --> 00:38:47,223 this light of us putting this together, 1049 00:38:47,259 --> 00:38:50,493 and it shining the way it does will not just have 1050 00:38:50,529 --> 00:38:53,363 an effect on, um, our kids here, 1051 00:38:53,398 --> 00:38:55,398 but, you know, hopefully, um, 1052 00:38:55,434 --> 00:38:57,033 my other kids that are watching as well. 1053 00:38:57,069 --> 00:38:58,068 You know what I mean? 1054 00:38:58,103 --> 00:38:59,536 To just understand it, not... 1055 00:38:59,571 --> 00:39:01,404 Life isn't perfect. You know what I mean? 1056 00:39:01,440 --> 00:39:04,374 But, um, you keep trying, 1057 00:39:04,409 --> 00:39:05,909 you keep working at it, you know, 1058 00:39:05,944 --> 00:39:07,677 and carefully you figure out. 1059 00:39:09,181 --> 00:39:11,214 You know, you realize in a marriage that, 1060 00:39:11,249 --> 00:39:17,220 "look, in order for it to work, right, 1061 00:39:17,255 --> 00:39:20,090 nobody can be a bully in a relationship." 1062 00:39:20,125 --> 00:39:25,195 I can't impose my will on her, or my beliefs and say, 1063 00:39:25,230 --> 00:39:27,997 "this is how it's going to be or else." 1064 00:39:28,033 --> 00:39:30,367 because whenever you throw in "or else" in there, 1065 00:39:30,402 --> 00:39:33,536 -then you gonna get... -Or else. 1066 00:39:33,572 --> 00:39:35,004 -...Or else. -Mmm-hmm. 1067 00:39:35,040 --> 00:39:36,940 -They got us closer, though. -Yeah, it did. 1068 00:39:36,975 --> 00:39:39,909 When you can go through things like that, 1069 00:39:39,945 --> 00:39:43,947 and it may not have seem big to other people, but for us, 1070 00:39:43,982 --> 00:39:47,050 it was... It was a big moment in our relationship, 1071 00:39:47,085 --> 00:39:48,952 but it made me understand her more, 1072 00:39:48,987 --> 00:39:51,788 she understood me more, and we just grew together. 1073 00:39:51,823 --> 00:39:54,791 And it taught our kids, too, that you can co-exist 1074 00:39:54,826 --> 00:39:56,793 in that type of way, which just teaches them 1075 00:39:56,828 --> 00:39:58,928 how to co-exist with other people. 1076 00:39:58,964 --> 00:40:00,864 Still to this day, during ramadan, 1077 00:40:00,899 --> 00:40:02,065 -our kids will... -Pray with me. 1078 00:40:02,100 --> 00:40:03,767 -...Pray with him... -Mmm-hmm. 1079 00:40:03,802 --> 00:40:05,402 ...And learn what they're saying, 1080 00:40:05,437 --> 00:40:07,637 and what everything means. 1081 00:40:07,672 --> 00:40:10,540 And just little tiny things that I think are so special, 1082 00:40:10,575 --> 00:40:13,376 like, when they pray, their finger does this 1083 00:40:13,412 --> 00:40:14,711 little circular thing when they pray, 1084 00:40:14,746 --> 00:40:16,079 and there's... Like, that's something 1085 00:40:16,114 --> 00:40:17,814 that my kids picked up on, and they do it, 1086 00:40:17,849 --> 00:40:19,416 and ask their dad what that means. 1087 00:40:19,451 --> 00:40:22,886 And it's just making them better human beings, 1088 00:40:22,921 --> 00:40:24,788 which is the point, really. 1089 00:40:25,690 --> 00:40:28,391 [whimsical music playing] 1090 00:40:28,427 --> 00:40:29,759 [woman] like this moment, people be like, 1091 00:40:29,795 --> 00:40:31,227 "ooh, y'all goes..." I'm like, 1092 00:40:31,263 --> 00:40:33,229 "oh, you don't know what we went through 1093 00:40:33,265 --> 00:40:34,764 to get to this moment, right?" 1094 00:40:34,800 --> 00:40:37,734 um, and I don't wish on nobody. 1095 00:40:37,769 --> 00:40:42,105 Marriage is a... Is a... Is a constant negotiation. 1096 00:40:42,140 --> 00:40:44,274 She used to be like, "love isn't everything." 1097 00:40:44,309 --> 00:40:45,642 -and for me... -And he used to get so mad... 1098 00:40:45,677 --> 00:40:46,810 -I used to be... -...I'll be like... 1099 00:40:46,845 --> 00:40:48,812 Um, I used to be so mad, I'm like, 1100 00:40:48,847 --> 00:40:50,680 -"no, love conquers all." -[laughs] 1101 00:40:50,715 --> 00:40:51,981 you know what I mean? 1102 00:40:52,017 --> 00:40:53,450 I would take it out on him a lot. 1103 00:40:53,485 --> 00:40:55,318 I was resentful a little bit in the beginning, 1104 00:40:55,353 --> 00:40:57,187 like, "oh, I quit my career for you 1105 00:40:57,222 --> 00:40:59,088 and now my name is ephraim's wife." 1106 00:40:59,124 --> 00:41:00,356 it was uncomfortable for me, like... 1107 00:41:00,392 --> 00:41:01,758 And I never... I guess I... 1108 00:41:01,793 --> 00:41:02,926 I think you never said this to me. 1109 00:41:02,961 --> 00:41:04,127 I never shared that with him, 1110 00:41:04,162 --> 00:41:05,428 but it's like, 1111 00:41:05,464 --> 00:41:07,263 "how do you support your partner?"