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Folks who are over 40,
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who met online,
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who have children
by previous relationships
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and none together,
saying, you know,
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"we... It's me and him,
and we are figuring this out,
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and we are riding
this together
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with the family
who is intact
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and who loves
and is not fragmented."
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when you're having kids
when you first start off
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in a...In a young marriage,
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-that's your primary focus.
-Right.
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And at the time, you know,
you're trying to work,
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you're trying to build,
at the same time,
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you're trying to nurture
and to parent,
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and we were not parenting.
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So we didn't have that history
or background
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to have some, you know,
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something like a resource
to fall back on
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and say, "this is how
you're supposed to do it."
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-right, right.
-We did not.
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I was taught that
go to school,
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you get a good education.
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You know,
you get a great job,
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you know, and I had
a great job, you know,
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I'm doing stuff,
now I'm on tv and,
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you know, all these things
are going right.
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And I'm like, "god,
this is... Like,
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you're gonna let this
happen to me?
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Like I'm not going to be
able to be a mother?
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Like, did I wait too long?
Like, why me?"
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um, you know,
I'm like, you know,
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feed the homeless,
like what [laughs],
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you know. What did...
What did... What did I do?
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So I was in the bathroom
and I just pleaded,
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I was like, "lord, you know,
whatever it is,
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whatever purpose this is,
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whatever platform you give me,
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I'll take it.
But please don't take away
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my opportunity
of being a mother."
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[upbeat music playing]
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[erica] so we met online,
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I had my private settings on
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so that nobody
could contact me
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and so I contacted him
with the,
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-"hey, handsome." and...
-Yeah.
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That's all... That's all
it really took...
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-Yeah.
-...For me.
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We exchanged phone numbers
and we talked for
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almost three weeks,
two weeks.
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-Yeah, hours on end.
-Um, yeah,
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and so you got that
high school feeling
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of like falling asleep
on the phone
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-and like really, so...
-Mmm-hmm.
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...By the time I actually
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met him in person,
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I felt like I knew
this person
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deeper than any first date
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I'd ever been on
because it was just like
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we had talked about
all the big things.
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And then eight weeks later,
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he was down on one knee.
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We got married exactly
on 07/20 up a year
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after we decided to be
boyfriend and girlfriend.
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Did we want kids right away?
Probably not.
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I think I grew up knowing
something was wrong with me,
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um, because I was never,
like, really regular
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and I used to tell my family
I didn't want kids.
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And I think that was like
my defense mechanism too
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if I couldn't have kids.
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Um, and so when we met,
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we had talked about kids
and if kids was important
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and I was like, "oh,
I don't really want kids."
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and he was like,
"uh, I think,
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you know,
take it or leave it."
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-yeah.
-And so we were like, "okay.
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Like, this will work."
like if we don't have kids,
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cool, if we a kid, cool.
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His parents
have been married
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for 50 plus years
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and I felt like that's
such a great blueprint
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being that he, you know,
being a black man
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and having this, you know,
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amazing example,
um, was rare.
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I just didn't really digest
marriage in a good light
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until I saw his parents
and saw that, okay,
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through the test of time
marriage means more
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than just loving somebody,
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it means more than just,
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you know, an argument
and making up.
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There's a lot of sacrifice
that comes with this.
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So he knew he wanted
to get married.
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I want to just have kids.
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I figured, you know,
get a good man
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because if it don't work out
you have a good
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father of your child, right?
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-That's the way I started.
-So, yeah, so, she used me.
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-I did, I did.
-Pretty much.
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But I told him one day
that I wanted it but...
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No, yeah, we discussed.
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-...I wanted a brown child...
-Yeah.
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...With, um, a...
I wanted to raise black babies
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with a black man,
that's what I told him.
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A strong black man,
a strong...
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A strong, I'm sorry,
you remember that?
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Yeah, I remember that.
That was another moment,
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-it was like...
-It was a moment?
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...I heard that before.
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-Okay. All right.
-Yeah.
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We started dating in '85,
actually got married in '89,
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so, um, we had
four years together.
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So, we were ready
by that time
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we had then pursued
our careers
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and had done that type
of thing and so we were...
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Uh, we kind of planned
it all out
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and we're ready to have,
uh, children.
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So it was a very easy
transition. Yeah.
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We have so many
shared values.
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I grew up in a home,
no father in home,
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I didn't meet my father
until I was 18.
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I didn't live with my mother,
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I live with
my paraplegic grandmother
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and my godmother
so I had never really seen
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a healthy relationship.
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Ernest was total opposite,
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parents married for like ever,
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same household,
very middle class father,
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you know, and a job
for 30 plus years,
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mother works sometimes
but at home a lot.
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Uh, so our backgrounds
were really different
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in that regard but,
I don't know,
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I always knew, uh,
no matter what,
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I wanted to get married.
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My biggest thing in life
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was to have all of my kids
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by one person in one home.
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That just having grown up
without that,
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that was really
important to me.
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When we married,
he had a daughter,
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I had a son, so we gained,
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you know, one of each.
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And, um, you know,
my son was little,
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-he was like 10.
-Mmm-hmm.
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And it had been he and I
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and, you know,
he's a mama's baby,
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that's my boy.
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And then here comes this guy,
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like, no you need...
And I'm like,
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"dude, no, don't do it."
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so... [laughs]
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so that was really
an area where I said,
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"okay, this is going
to be work,"
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because neither one of us
had a down path.
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My mother was really
influential in me
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understanding, you know,
the definition of love.
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My mother was
a single parent for day...
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From day one
and she also somehow
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figured out how
to have a soft hand
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and to teach us that love
was not scary.
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That being vulnerable
was actually
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a sign of strength
and not weakness.
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And so I try to carry that
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in my intimate relationships
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and my parenting
and also in my friendships.
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Where, you know,
he grew up in a household
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where his father has passed
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but his parents were married
for over 55 years.
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Um, and, uh, he has, uh,
a perspective
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and maybe too part of me
not having...
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Never seeing that
in my household,
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I also had kind of
a fantasy
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about what marriage was,
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what a husband was,
what it meant to be a wife.
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I didn't know
what that really meant,
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like walking that out
every day.
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Oh, I've learned, um,
[laughs]
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I've learned, um,
but he came into it
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with a very different
kind of understanding
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of how couples work.
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At the beginning
of our relationship,
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we always talked about
how important it was for us
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to have an amazing
black son.
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And we thought like
it is our obligation
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to help mold,
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uh, this amazing black human.
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Because, you know, it's a...
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Here's an opportunity
to shine a light on someone
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who has always been told
they don't have the light,
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they don't have
these opportunities.
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But we're here
to tell him that, like,
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it's all a lie,
that's all false,
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00:07:25,245 --> 00:07:27,162
it's all false,
and here are the possibilities
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right in front of you.
And then we're here
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to show you look
how you soar.
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So that's what
we wanna give
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to this amazing
little brown nugget.
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Yeah, so,
that's the long way
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-of saying
we're gonna have a boy.
-Yeah.
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00:07:42,128 --> 00:07:44,596
-We got married October...
-October.
199
00:07:44,631 --> 00:07:47,983
...Of '91 and then
three months after that,
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00:07:48,018 --> 00:07:50,602
um, I was pregnant
with our first child.
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00:07:50,637 --> 00:07:53,188
So we were really...
Uh, it was this... It was a...
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It was a whirlwind
of possibilities,
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00:07:57,644 --> 00:08:00,111
a legacy for us.
We were young
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00:08:00,146 --> 00:08:01,613
and that's how
we were talking.
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00:08:01,648 --> 00:08:03,532
-Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.
-It was like, this is us,
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00:08:03,584 --> 00:08:06,668
this is our chance
to make right...
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00:08:06,703 --> 00:08:08,670
-Yeah, 20s.
-...All the wrong
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00:08:08,705 --> 00:08:10,505
that had been done to us
in our life
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00:08:10,541 --> 00:08:13,625
or what we had to experience
as children.
210
00:08:13,660 --> 00:08:16,411
Um, we get to start our life
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00:08:16,446 --> 00:08:19,881
and we get to kind of
do it our way.
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00:08:19,917 --> 00:08:22,767
So, although I was divorced,
213
00:08:22,803 --> 00:08:25,937
uh, I hadn't really
broken everything off,
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00:08:25,973 --> 00:08:27,939
I hadn't set boundaries.
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00:08:27,975 --> 00:08:29,975
So, uh,
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00:08:30,010 --> 00:08:35,030
there was a text
and erica said,
217
00:08:35,065 --> 00:08:39,034
"listen, you need
to make a choice, okay?
218
00:08:39,069 --> 00:08:42,954
Um, you can have
what's outside of this house
219
00:08:42,990 --> 00:08:46,575
or you can, uh,
do what need to be done
220
00:08:46,627 --> 00:08:48,460
so that we can be together."
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00:08:48,495 --> 00:08:50,579
she's like, "I'm...
Uh, I'm not desperate
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00:08:50,631 --> 00:08:52,664
and I'm not begging nobody."
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00:08:52,699 --> 00:08:54,883
uh, there were tears
coming out of her eyes
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00:08:54,918 --> 00:08:58,670
and that hurt me to see her
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00:08:58,705 --> 00:09:01,506
in that state of mind
because, you know,
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00:09:01,541 --> 00:09:03,508
I wanted her
but I didn't know
227
00:09:03,543 --> 00:09:06,678
how to have a relationship
with my daughter,
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00:09:06,713 --> 00:09:11,566
um, and she was like,
uh, "I'll help you all
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00:09:11,602 --> 00:09:14,402
through that, you know,
but, you know,
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00:09:14,438 --> 00:09:18,189
you can't have your feet
in two separate places."
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00:09:18,224 --> 00:09:21,076
and, you know, I just, uh,
232
00:09:21,111 --> 00:09:23,078
"took the leap of faith"
that, you know,
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00:09:23,113 --> 00:09:25,614
because I believe
that god brought her
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so I did what I needed to do
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00:09:28,335 --> 00:09:30,368
and I've never looked back
since then.
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00:09:30,403 --> 00:09:32,504
One time when she and I
were on the phone,
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00:09:32,539 --> 00:09:34,923
I was using colorful language,
she was like,
238
00:09:34,958 --> 00:09:36,625
"you talk like that
in front of your daughter?"
239
00:09:36,677 --> 00:09:39,961
and I'm like, "uh, yeah."
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00:09:40,013 --> 00:09:41,846
and she was like,
"you do realize
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00:09:41,882 --> 00:09:43,632
if you talk like that to her,
242
00:09:43,684 --> 00:09:45,050
she'll get so used to it
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00:09:45,085 --> 00:09:46,851
and if a man talks
like that to her
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00:09:46,887 --> 00:09:48,520
who's not her father,
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00:09:48,555 --> 00:09:49,938
it won't mean anything,
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00:09:49,973 --> 00:09:51,439
you know,
she'll be used to it."
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00:09:51,475 --> 00:09:54,526
so I was like, "oh."
so, I stopped that
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00:09:54,561 --> 00:09:56,811
and when I stopped that,
like, in the beginning,
249
00:09:56,863 --> 00:09:58,980
-because my daughter was...
250
00:09:59,032 --> 00:10:00,148
-Fifteen.
-...Fifteen?
251
00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:01,483
-Mmm-hmm.
-And she was like,
252
00:10:01,535 --> 00:10:03,535
"oh, so, now
you're dr. Phil-ing me."
253
00:10:03,570 --> 00:10:06,655
you know, I'm like,
"hey, you need to understand
254
00:10:06,707 --> 00:10:08,540
you're a queen and the way...
255
00:10:08,575 --> 00:10:10,408
The mistakes that
I have made in the beginning,
256
00:10:10,443 --> 00:10:13,495
I'm sorry, you know,
uh, I-I-I-I love you,"
257
00:10:13,547 --> 00:10:14,746
this and that
and other things.
258
00:10:14,781 --> 00:10:17,215
So, you know,
that was a change.
259
00:10:17,250 --> 00:10:21,670
We went and did the
infertility like diagnostic
260
00:10:21,722 --> 00:10:25,807
and we found out that,
um, I had uterine cancer.
261
00:10:25,842 --> 00:10:28,910
And so that was like
another big blow.
262
00:10:30,647 --> 00:10:32,230
We had discussed obviously
having a family and, uh...
263
00:10:32,265 --> 00:10:34,699
Having a family came first
because of the time.
264
00:10:34,735 --> 00:10:36,234
-Well...
-I guess we were just like,
265
00:10:36,269 --> 00:10:37,452
"yeah, let's, you know,
let's go for it."
266
00:10:37,487 --> 00:10:38,486
well, we stopped, let's be...
Let me just be real, honey,
267
00:10:38,538 --> 00:10:40,739
we stopped using protection,
that's number one.
268
00:10:40,774 --> 00:10:42,824
-I mean, I get that.
-Right, that's...
269
00:10:42,876 --> 00:10:44,459
But when you stop using
protection,
270
00:10:44,494 --> 00:10:46,328
-I think the converse...
-That's how to have kids.
271
00:10:46,380 --> 00:10:47,746
But I'm saying
that's when we decided,
272
00:10:47,781 --> 00:10:50,048
like, we're okay
if we get pregnant.
273
00:10:50,083 --> 00:10:52,000
Um, and because we're okay
if we get pregnant
274
00:10:52,052 --> 00:10:53,918
meant that we're okay
if we do this thing together
275
00:10:53,953 --> 00:10:55,086
because we're engaged
and if it happens before...
276
00:10:55,121 --> 00:10:56,504
Yeah, I was... I mean,
when I proposed to her,
277
00:10:56,556 --> 00:10:58,223
I was like, "yo, this is it."
you know what I'm saying?
278
00:10:58,258 --> 00:10:59,808
You don't propose to somebody
you think
279
00:10:59,843 --> 00:11:01,810
you just about to be with
for a few, you know...
280
00:11:01,845 --> 00:11:03,094
You know, a few moments
here and there,
281
00:11:03,129 --> 00:11:04,062
like, yo, this is it.
282
00:11:04,097 --> 00:11:05,430
So, um...
283
00:11:05,465 --> 00:11:07,315
So it was okay that, you know,
284
00:11:07,351 --> 00:11:09,017
-we, you know...
-Yes.
285
00:11:09,069 --> 00:11:10,685
-And I was in, I was...
-...Don't do this in the order
286
00:11:10,737 --> 00:11:12,237
that most people do it,
you know what I'm saying?
287
00:11:12,272 --> 00:11:15,106
Let's start a family
so, and...
288
00:11:15,141 --> 00:11:16,991
-I would...
-And that we have learned
289
00:11:17,027 --> 00:11:19,194
a lot about fertility.
290
00:11:19,246 --> 00:11:22,197
We always knew that we wanted
to be parents.
291
00:11:22,249 --> 00:11:23,998
-Right.
-We always knew
292
00:11:24,034 --> 00:11:26,501
that that was part of...
293
00:11:26,536 --> 00:11:28,503
That was gonna be part
of the picture
294
00:11:28,538 --> 00:11:30,588
that we decided to paint.
295
00:11:30,624 --> 00:11:32,674
It just got
really tricky when it...
296
00:11:32,709 --> 00:11:34,209
When it came to timing.
297
00:11:34,261 --> 00:11:37,879
Because there was a point
in time where, like,
298
00:11:37,931 --> 00:11:40,265
adair's business
is really busy
299
00:11:40,300 --> 00:11:42,300
and then there's the moments
where mine aren't.
300
00:11:42,335 --> 00:11:45,136
And then there...
Then just, you know, this...
301
00:11:45,171 --> 00:11:46,604
The past two years,
302
00:11:46,640 --> 00:11:49,307
both of our business
at the exact same time
303
00:11:49,342 --> 00:11:51,142
is soaring.
304
00:11:51,177 --> 00:11:53,695
And for adair,
adair is very much
305
00:11:53,730 --> 00:11:55,530
kind of like,
306
00:11:55,565 --> 00:11:57,649
"it's fine, it's fine."
307
00:11:57,684 --> 00:12:00,652
I'm the one on the other end
just kind of thinking,
308
00:12:00,687 --> 00:12:02,454
trying to be
the ultimate parent,
309
00:12:02,489 --> 00:12:05,957
like I wanna make sure
that I'm available,
310
00:12:05,992 --> 00:12:07,409
my child sees me,
311
00:12:07,461 --> 00:12:10,078
my child feels me,
my child hears me.
312
00:12:10,130 --> 00:12:12,213
But I was so concerned
313
00:12:12,249 --> 00:12:14,916
because I'm all over
the planet.
314
00:12:14,968 --> 00:12:17,552
And that became, uh,
315
00:12:17,587 --> 00:12:21,423
a really, really tough
conversation time
316
00:12:21,475 --> 00:12:23,007
all the time
and adair got to a point
317
00:12:23,042 --> 00:12:24,559
where he was just like,
318
00:12:24,594 --> 00:12:26,428
"well, look, I mean,
319
00:12:26,480 --> 00:12:28,480
you said we're gonna do this
and now is the time."
320
00:12:28,515 --> 00:12:30,315
I mean, we're lucky
to be in a situation
321
00:12:30,350 --> 00:12:32,734
where, like, we're doing
a surrogate situation
322
00:12:32,769 --> 00:12:35,737
so we have the opportunity
to kind of time things.
323
00:12:35,772 --> 00:12:37,322
I was using that
to my advantage, I was like,
324
00:12:37,357 --> 00:12:38,523
"oh, I could just wait.
325
00:12:38,558 --> 00:12:39,574
Oh, wait, hold on,
326
00:12:39,609 --> 00:12:40,608
just joking,
327
00:12:40,660 --> 00:12:41,993
not going to doctor this week.
328
00:12:42,028 --> 00:12:43,912
Put something on my calendar."
329
00:12:43,947 --> 00:12:45,914
like I was just...
So I had the opportunity
330
00:12:45,949 --> 00:12:47,449
to do all of that
and then when adair got...
331
00:12:47,501 --> 00:12:49,200
Kind of hit the game
and that he was like,
332
00:12:49,235 --> 00:12:51,619
"oh, I see what you're doing."
333
00:12:51,671 --> 00:12:54,672
I was accustomed
to just being us.
334
00:12:54,708 --> 00:12:56,541
-And then... [clears throat]
-well, not long.
335
00:12:56,576 --> 00:12:57,842
...Not long after that,
336
00:12:57,878 --> 00:13:01,012
now we have a child
337
00:13:01,047 --> 00:13:02,380
that is coming.
338
00:13:04,217 --> 00:13:06,851
I had to mentally adjust.
339
00:13:06,887 --> 00:13:09,103
I had to mentally adjust
because it's something
340
00:13:09,139 --> 00:13:12,023
that I wasn't planning.
341
00:13:12,058 --> 00:13:14,442
-Right.
-And I don't wanna say my...
342
00:13:14,478 --> 00:13:16,694
The nicknames that I have
for my children.
343
00:13:16,730 --> 00:13:18,696
I'm gonna tell you,
he calls my kids,
344
00:13:18,732 --> 00:13:20,315
oops, darn, and, oh, well.
345
00:13:20,367 --> 00:13:22,183
That's what he used
to call my kids.
346
00:13:22,219 --> 00:13:24,018
[keith] that's how you got...
Yeah, okay.
347
00:13:24,054 --> 00:13:25,386
And it was literally...
348
00:13:25,422 --> 00:13:28,039
He was not excited,
each one of them,
349
00:13:28,074 --> 00:13:31,292
he was not excited
and so I got over the fact
350
00:13:31,328 --> 00:13:32,877
that he's...
You know, I just told him,
351
00:13:32,913 --> 00:13:33,962
you know, after.
352
00:13:33,997 --> 00:13:35,747
Because what was
kind of shocking
353
00:13:35,782 --> 00:13:37,799
is so we had our son...
354
00:13:37,834 --> 00:13:39,501
-Mmm-hmm.
-...And then, um,
355
00:13:39,553 --> 00:13:42,003
I'm finishing up
nursing school,
356
00:13:42,055 --> 00:13:43,555
so I think,
but I have to have my son
357
00:13:43,590 --> 00:13:45,006
so I have to stop,
and then I'm back
358
00:13:45,058 --> 00:13:46,257
-in nursing school...
-Mmm-hmm.
359
00:13:46,292 --> 00:13:48,393
...And I get pregnant again
360
00:13:48,428 --> 00:13:50,812
and my son
is only six months old.
361
00:13:50,847 --> 00:13:52,847
-[keith] mmm-hmm.
-[dretona] so now...
362
00:13:52,899 --> 00:13:54,482
-[keith] mmm-hmm.
-[dretona] ...We are onto
363
00:13:54,518 --> 00:13:55,733
baby number two.
364
00:13:55,769 --> 00:13:56,651
Can you see the stress?
365
00:13:56,686 --> 00:13:58,186
[laughs]
366
00:13:58,238 --> 00:14:01,489
it wasn't until
something clicked
367
00:14:01,525 --> 00:14:04,025
like a month
after we were married
368
00:14:04,077 --> 00:14:05,693
and I can't remember
what it was,
369
00:14:05,745 --> 00:14:08,162
but I remember looking at him
and going,
370
00:14:08,198 --> 00:14:10,582
"I wanna see what a little me
and a little him looks like."
371
00:14:10,617 --> 00:14:12,700
like I want...
I want to... I wt that.
372
00:14:12,752 --> 00:14:14,702
And it was the first time
I was, like,
373
00:14:14,754 --> 00:14:16,170
courageous enough to, like,
374
00:14:16,206 --> 00:14:19,123
look into what was going on
with me.
375
00:14:19,158 --> 00:14:21,459
We went and did
the infertility,
376
00:14:21,494 --> 00:14:23,378
like, diagnostic
377
00:14:23,430 --> 00:14:26,264
and we found out that, um,
378
00:14:26,299 --> 00:14:27,632
I had uterine cancer
379
00:14:27,667 --> 00:14:30,602
and so that was like
another big blow.
380
00:14:30,637 --> 00:14:32,637
One, we didn't know
if we could have a baby.
381
00:14:32,672 --> 00:14:34,606
So we had to talk
about ways to treat
382
00:14:34,641 --> 00:14:37,058
that would save
our fertility issues
383
00:14:37,110 --> 00:14:38,893
or our fertility options
384
00:14:38,945 --> 00:14:41,062
and so at the time,
385
00:14:41,114 --> 00:14:43,364
I was also 321 pounds.
386
00:14:43,400 --> 00:14:46,618
And so we went
to a fertility clinic, um,
387
00:14:46,653 --> 00:14:49,571
we got through
treating hormonally
388
00:14:49,623 --> 00:14:52,457
so that allowed us
to go around
389
00:14:52,492 --> 00:14:54,459
taking my uterus out.
390
00:14:54,494 --> 00:14:57,462
Um, and the first
infertility clinic we got to
391
00:14:57,497 --> 00:14:59,047
once I was in for remission,
392
00:14:59,082 --> 00:15:00,548
they just went for it.
393
00:15:00,584 --> 00:15:02,417
So they were like,
"we'll see what happens."
394
00:15:02,469 --> 00:15:05,303
you know, and we got pregnant
the first round
395
00:15:05,338 --> 00:15:08,339
and we've lost that baby
at six weeks.
396
00:15:08,374 --> 00:15:10,842
And I think it was
a large part
397
00:15:10,877 --> 00:15:13,227
due to my weight
and just like the environment.
398
00:15:13,263 --> 00:15:14,896
And they said that, you know,
399
00:15:14,931 --> 00:15:16,431
it's an abnormal embryo.
400
00:15:16,483 --> 00:15:18,650
Um, but I think as a woman,
401
00:15:18,685 --> 00:15:21,519
we always find ways to blame
ourselves for things.
402
00:15:21,554 --> 00:15:23,938
I dropped to my knees,
um, well,
403
00:15:23,990 --> 00:15:26,858
he probably didn't know that,
but, um,
404
00:15:26,893 --> 00:15:28,409
gosh, I'm getting emotional.
405
00:15:28,445 --> 00:15:30,278
But, um,
I dropped to my knees
406
00:15:30,330 --> 00:15:33,865
because in that moment
I realized that, um,
407
00:15:33,900 --> 00:15:35,500
this may not happen for me.
408
00:15:36,653 --> 00:15:37,785
I came from
a single-parent household,
409
00:15:37,820 --> 00:15:39,621
which meant, uh, you know,
410
00:15:39,656 --> 00:15:42,457
my mother raised us
"successfully".
411
00:15:42,492 --> 00:15:44,208
She has three
successful children,
412
00:15:44,260 --> 00:15:45,960
college-educated,
all that good stuff,
413
00:15:45,995 --> 00:15:48,630
and we love each other,
like we're close.
414
00:15:48,665 --> 00:15:51,299
So she did a pretty good job,
decent job,
415
00:15:51,334 --> 00:15:54,852
um, by herself,
which taught me
416
00:15:54,888 --> 00:15:56,721
that you do it by yourself.
417
00:15:56,773 --> 00:15:59,357
So to see a man discipline
418
00:15:59,392 --> 00:16:03,111
or to hear a man
raise his voice at a child,
419
00:16:03,146 --> 00:16:04,862
I was like, "oh, no.
420
00:16:04,898 --> 00:16:07,031
Oh, oh, wait, wait."
421
00:16:07,067 --> 00:16:09,450
like, I can raise my voice
and tell them
422
00:16:09,486 --> 00:16:11,035
to sit down and stop it.
423
00:16:11,071 --> 00:16:13,071
But to hear him,
I didn't know...
424
00:16:13,123 --> 00:16:16,240
I had no way to process that
425
00:16:16,292 --> 00:16:18,209
or to... I didn't know
what to do.
426
00:16:18,244 --> 00:16:20,378
So then I'm like,
"you can't do that."
427
00:16:20,413 --> 00:16:22,747
he's like, "I can't tell
the kids what to do?"
428
00:16:22,799 --> 00:16:23,915
"no."
429
00:16:23,967 --> 00:16:25,133
does that work, right?
430
00:16:25,168 --> 00:16:27,752
So I had to figure out like,
431
00:16:27,804 --> 00:16:30,088
"okay, that's my stuff."
432
00:16:30,140 --> 00:16:31,839
we had to learn how to develop
433
00:16:31,874 --> 00:16:33,975
our own parenting style,
our own...
434
00:16:34,010 --> 00:16:35,593
-Mmm-hmm.
-...Co-parenting style.
435
00:16:35,645 --> 00:16:37,729
We had to learn
how to respond
436
00:16:37,764 --> 00:16:41,399
and not react and talk
about a united front.
437
00:16:41,434 --> 00:16:43,685
Ernest is like the best dad
438
00:16:43,720 --> 00:16:45,486
literally on the planet
439
00:16:45,522 --> 00:16:48,156
because he was never one
of those guys
440
00:16:48,191 --> 00:16:50,408
that felt like
you're the mother,
441
00:16:50,443 --> 00:16:51,609
you're responsible.
442
00:16:51,661 --> 00:16:54,245
I was weird hours, out a lot,
443
00:16:54,280 --> 00:16:57,365
ernest was the one
that was definitely more of...
444
00:16:57,400 --> 00:16:59,951
Not mr. Mom because he worked
a full-time job too.
445
00:17:00,003 --> 00:17:03,454
But more of the "traditional"
446
00:17:03,506 --> 00:17:05,339
parenting roles,
I would say,
447
00:17:05,375 --> 00:17:08,509
he assumed who was going
to do what with our kids
448
00:17:08,545 --> 00:17:10,878
was never really an issue.
449
00:17:10,913 --> 00:17:13,931
Our son marty,
our youngest son, uh, has...
450
00:17:13,967 --> 00:17:16,634
Uh, was born and then shortly
after his birth,
451
00:17:16,686 --> 00:17:17,769
at about two years,
452
00:17:17,804 --> 00:17:19,854
he was diagnosed with autism.
453
00:17:19,889 --> 00:17:22,106
Our daughter, six months
after she was born,
454
00:17:22,142 --> 00:17:24,859
was diagnosed
with this disorder,
455
00:17:24,894 --> 00:17:26,310
condition
called neurofibromatosis...
456
00:17:26,362 --> 00:17:28,312
-Right.
-...Where she just started
457
00:17:28,364 --> 00:17:30,865
growing tumors
like all over her body.
458
00:17:30,900 --> 00:17:33,901
-Mmm-hmm.
-And we were in total shock.
459
00:17:33,936 --> 00:17:35,953
There was a point
where you didn't think
460
00:17:35,989 --> 00:17:37,622
of future anymore.
461
00:17:37,657 --> 00:17:39,490
You know what I'm saying?
It wasn't like, "okay.
462
00:17:39,542 --> 00:17:41,492
We're thinking of goals."
463
00:17:41,544 --> 00:17:43,127
and, you know,
when we first got married,
464
00:17:43,163 --> 00:17:45,830
it was all about years
down the line.
465
00:17:45,882 --> 00:17:48,883
Now, it's like right now,
like how are we gonna...
466
00:17:48,918 --> 00:17:50,885
-Right.
-...Make it right now
467
00:17:50,920 --> 00:17:52,470
because this is a lot.
468
00:17:52,505 --> 00:17:55,256
This is a lot
to now have to deal with.
469
00:17:55,291 --> 00:17:56,808
-And, um...
-Right.
470
00:17:56,843 --> 00:17:58,810
...Back and forth
to doctor's appointments
471
00:17:58,845 --> 00:18:00,845
and not knowing
472
00:18:00,897 --> 00:18:02,680
what's gonna happen
with our daughter.
473
00:18:02,732 --> 00:18:05,566
And, um, he's having to work,
474
00:18:05,602 --> 00:18:08,319
I was now a new nurse.
475
00:18:08,354 --> 00:18:10,605
And so, you know,
476
00:18:10,640 --> 00:18:12,940
my dream was to be
a nurse, right?
477
00:18:12,975 --> 00:18:15,276
So I'm supposed
to start my career.
478
00:18:15,311 --> 00:18:18,412
And my career
really can't start
479
00:18:18,448 --> 00:18:21,999
because I now have to nurture
480
00:18:22,035 --> 00:18:23,618
and take care of a child
481
00:18:23,653 --> 00:18:26,204
that is diagnosed with, um,
482
00:18:26,256 --> 00:18:27,839
an incurable condition,
483
00:18:27,874 --> 00:18:31,092
and so it was just work.
484
00:18:31,127 --> 00:18:33,377
So I ended up
having weight loss surgery.
485
00:18:33,429 --> 00:18:35,213
So they took eighty percent
of my stomach
486
00:18:35,265 --> 00:18:38,800
and I lost a hundred
and five pounds
487
00:18:38,835 --> 00:18:40,635
and we went back.
488
00:18:40,670 --> 00:18:42,186
So before that,
we had done a retrieval
489
00:18:42,222 --> 00:18:43,271
and gotten eight eggs.
490
00:18:43,306 --> 00:18:45,606
After the weight loss surgery,
491
00:18:45,642 --> 00:18:47,058
we got 28 eggs.
492
00:18:47,110 --> 00:18:48,693
So it clearly made
a difference.
493
00:18:48,728 --> 00:18:51,229
And it was our last,
494
00:18:51,281 --> 00:18:54,232
kind of, hoorah and, um,
495
00:18:54,284 --> 00:18:55,650
it didn't work.
496
00:18:55,685 --> 00:18:57,368
And I don't know,
497
00:18:57,403 --> 00:18:58,820
I was just broken, you know.
498
00:18:58,855 --> 00:19:00,738
You feel like I'm going
through this thing
499
00:19:00,790 --> 00:19:02,657
that my body is made to do
and I can't do it,
500
00:19:02,692 --> 00:19:04,709
even with assistance,
I can't do it.
501
00:19:04,744 --> 00:19:07,461
And we've decided now
502
00:19:07,497 --> 00:19:08,963
that we want a child
and so now,
503
00:19:08,998 --> 00:19:10,715
it becomes I can't give him
this child.
504
00:19:10,750 --> 00:19:13,050
Um, so he just,
kind of, like,
505
00:19:13,086 --> 00:19:14,502
stopped me
and he was just like,
506
00:19:14,537 --> 00:19:17,088
"okay, what are
the next steps?"
507
00:19:17,140 --> 00:19:18,422
we were just, like,
we're gonna throw
508
00:19:18,474 --> 00:19:20,424
everything we got
at this last try.
509
00:19:20,476 --> 00:19:22,176
-And that wasn't cheap.
-That's a lot of money.
510
00:19:22,211 --> 00:19:23,477
-It was like, what, 15?
-Yeah.
511
00:19:23,513 --> 00:19:24,812
-It was like 16 grand.
-Like 15? Yeah.
512
00:19:24,848 --> 00:19:27,682
So he busted his butt
513
00:19:27,717 --> 00:19:30,434
to get the money
to do this last cycle
514
00:19:30,486 --> 00:19:32,153
that we had to pay
out of pocket for
515
00:19:32,188 --> 00:19:35,139
and that's when
it really hit me
516
00:19:35,175 --> 00:19:36,807
that, like,
there's so many men out here
517
00:19:36,843 --> 00:19:39,160
who are like complaining
about child support
518
00:19:39,195 --> 00:19:40,194
and this
and dah, dah, dah, dah.
519
00:19:40,229 --> 00:19:41,612
And this man loved me enough
520
00:19:41,664 --> 00:19:44,198
to pay to have a child with me
521
00:19:44,233 --> 00:19:46,200
and to show me that he valued
522
00:19:46,235 --> 00:19:47,702
like us having a family
523
00:19:47,737 --> 00:19:50,087
and like it was
that important to him.
524
00:19:50,123 --> 00:19:52,373
Um, it was huge for me.
525
00:19:52,408 --> 00:19:54,675
There was two people
that shifted that for me.
526
00:19:54,711 --> 00:19:56,344
One was adair
527
00:19:56,379 --> 00:19:59,547
because I saw how
it really bothered
528
00:19:59,582 --> 00:20:02,216
and actually hurt him
because we were very clear...
529
00:20:02,251 --> 00:20:04,969
We're very clear on everything
and we're best friends,
530
00:20:05,021 --> 00:20:06,604
we talk about everything.
531
00:20:06,639 --> 00:20:08,689
So when I realized
and I saw the emotion
532
00:20:08,725 --> 00:20:10,558
and how that was actually
screwing with him,
533
00:20:10,593 --> 00:20:12,610
it didn't make me feel good.
534
00:20:12,645 --> 00:20:14,528
But then our...
535
00:20:14,564 --> 00:20:17,481
One of our best friends,
who are actually a couple,
536
00:20:17,533 --> 00:20:19,450
they were like,
"come on, jason.
537
00:20:19,485 --> 00:20:22,203
You're gonna... You're gonna
be such a great father."
538
00:20:22,238 --> 00:20:24,322
and this is...
They were saying that to us,
539
00:20:24,374 --> 00:20:25,656
to me over dinner
540
00:20:25,708 --> 00:20:28,492
and it took someone
on the outside
541
00:20:28,544 --> 00:20:30,211
who is also very close to us
542
00:20:30,246 --> 00:20:32,630
and actually went
through surrogacy as well
543
00:20:32,665 --> 00:20:34,548
to say something like that.
544
00:20:34,584 --> 00:20:37,919
That's what, kind of,
triggered me to do it.
545
00:20:37,954 --> 00:20:39,720
I want to get
my follicles checked
546
00:20:39,756 --> 00:20:41,005
because that's where
you figure out
547
00:20:41,057 --> 00:20:42,807
how fertile you are,
548
00:20:42,842 --> 00:20:45,092
but they took a blood
test first.
549
00:20:45,127 --> 00:20:46,928
When my blood test came back,
they said,
550
00:20:46,963 --> 00:20:48,846
"dr. Haken would like to talk
to you about your results."
551
00:20:48,898 --> 00:20:50,231
that's never good.
552
00:20:50,266 --> 00:20:53,234
Went in, he said,
"you have, for your age,
553
00:20:53,269 --> 00:20:57,071
ovarian aging and that means
that your, um, egg...
554
00:20:57,106 --> 00:21:00,775
Your egg count
and your reserve is five to...
555
00:21:00,810 --> 00:21:02,243
Five years
or more older than you.
556
00:21:02,278 --> 00:21:04,028
Your chances of getting
pregnant on your own
557
00:21:04,080 --> 00:21:06,781
could be very slim,
but that's what ivf is for.
558
00:21:06,816 --> 00:21:08,366
Let's go check and see."
559
00:21:08,418 --> 00:21:10,952
so at that point I started
crying in the office,
560
00:21:10,987 --> 00:21:12,536
I was like,
"can you give me a minute?"
561
00:21:12,588 --> 00:21:15,373
I went to the bathroom
and I dropped to my knees.
562
00:21:15,425 --> 00:21:19,593
Um, well, he probably
didn't know that but, um,
563
00:21:19,629 --> 00:21:20,845
gosh, I'm getting emotional.
564
00:21:20,880 --> 00:21:22,930
But, um, I dropped
to my knees
565
00:21:22,966 --> 00:21:26,384
because in that moment
I realized that, um,
566
00:21:26,436 --> 00:21:27,952
this may not happen for me.
567
00:21:29,272 --> 00:21:31,739
I come out the bathroom
and get it together.
568
00:21:31,774 --> 00:21:33,607
I love to say,
"get it together, kita."
569
00:21:33,642 --> 00:21:35,242
so I get it together
and I'm like
570
00:21:35,278 --> 00:21:37,028
whatever news he's gonna
tell me from this ultrasound,
571
00:21:37,080 --> 00:21:38,946
he said,
"I'll be able to see exactly
572
00:21:38,981 --> 00:21:41,699
how old your egg count
really is.
573
00:21:41,751 --> 00:21:44,368
If it's 40, if it's 45,
or whatever."
574
00:21:44,420 --> 00:21:46,671
so we go in
and we do the ultrasound
575
00:21:46,706 --> 00:21:48,456
and when they do it on you
in an ultrasound,
576
00:21:48,491 --> 00:21:50,041
it's the same thing
they do when you're pregnant.
577
00:21:50,093 --> 00:21:51,175
They go in,
they put the wand,
578
00:21:51,210 --> 00:21:52,460
I call her wanda
579
00:21:52,495 --> 00:21:54,211
because I've seen wanda a lot.
580
00:21:54,263 --> 00:21:56,597
So they took wanda,
he goes he's in,
581
00:21:56,632 --> 00:21:58,299
and he's like, "hmm.
582
00:21:58,334 --> 00:22:01,719
Hmm. Hmm."
583
00:22:01,771 --> 00:22:03,104
and I'm just like, "what?
584
00:22:03,139 --> 00:22:04,972
That's not good.
He's like humming me."
585
00:22:05,007 --> 00:22:06,974
"well, I'll give you
the not so good news.
586
00:22:07,009 --> 00:22:08,642
You know what I mean?
The not so good news
587
00:22:08,677 --> 00:22:11,028
is you have fibroids.
588
00:22:11,064 --> 00:22:12,396
And it's a huge fibroid.
589
00:22:12,448 --> 00:22:14,265
You have to have
surgery immediately.
590
00:22:14,300 --> 00:22:16,534
The good news is that,
actually,
591
00:22:16,569 --> 00:22:19,537
you don't have a severe case
of ovarian aging.
592
00:22:19,572 --> 00:22:21,539
What you do have
is the fact that
593
00:22:21,574 --> 00:22:25,076
your fibroid is sucking up
out everything
594
00:22:25,128 --> 00:22:27,044
and what it does is..."
he said my fibroid
595
00:22:27,080 --> 00:22:29,330
was about as big
as a small grape fruit.
596
00:22:29,365 --> 00:22:31,332
And because I'm small,
that meant that
597
00:22:31,367 --> 00:22:32,633
even if I were
to get pregnant,
598
00:22:32,668 --> 00:22:34,752
I would miscarry
every single time.
599
00:22:34,804 --> 00:22:36,887
When I first...
Finally got my first job
600
00:22:36,923 --> 00:22:39,640
it was like, "okay.
I'm going to work."
601
00:22:39,675 --> 00:22:41,759
you know, "you're at home
with the babies."
602
00:22:41,811 --> 00:22:43,477
and then, you know,
it was back and forth.
603
00:22:43,513 --> 00:22:45,312
When she gets off
then I go to work
604
00:22:45,348 --> 00:22:46,647
-and it's like...
-Tag, you're it.
605
00:22:46,682 --> 00:22:49,233
-We did what we had to do.
-Mmm-hmm.
606
00:22:49,268 --> 00:22:51,435
Though we, kind of,
came and went.
607
00:22:51,487 --> 00:22:53,938
It's like survival mode.
Yeah.
608
00:22:53,990 --> 00:22:56,190
Because our primary focus
at that time
609
00:22:56,225 --> 00:22:58,576
-was our children.
-Yeah.
610
00:22:58,611 --> 00:23:02,580
And especially with the one
who had a disease.
611
00:23:02,615 --> 00:23:04,248
You know,
in the back of your mind,
612
00:23:04,283 --> 00:23:06,917
you're dealing with like,
"who gave it to her?"
613
00:23:06,953 --> 00:23:08,702
you know what I'm saying?
It's that type of thing
614
00:23:08,737 --> 00:23:11,122
and it's really crazy.
It's like, how...
615
00:23:11,174 --> 00:23:12,873
Should we have gotten
genetic testing
616
00:23:12,908 --> 00:23:14,258
before we got married?
617
00:23:14,293 --> 00:23:16,377
And maybe we don't have
good genes.
618
00:23:16,412 --> 00:23:17,628
You know?
And then they said,
619
00:23:17,680 --> 00:23:19,764
"don't have another kid
because that kid
620
00:23:19,799 --> 00:23:21,265
-could have been worse."
-if you do... Right.
621
00:23:21,300 --> 00:23:23,134
And then we get pregnant
with our third.
622
00:23:23,186 --> 00:23:26,187
[laughs]
623
00:23:27,390 --> 00:23:29,140
-ah.
-And she doesn't have...
624
00:23:29,192 --> 00:23:31,725
-She... No. She did not.
-...A trace.
625
00:23:31,760 --> 00:23:33,527
That's right.
So we found out later
626
00:23:33,563 --> 00:23:37,314
that my middle, um,
vial daughter was a...
627
00:23:37,366 --> 00:23:39,283
It was a spontaneous mutation.
628
00:23:39,318 --> 00:23:42,570
And so, that was it
but, um, you know,
629
00:23:42,605 --> 00:23:44,488
she dealt with her condition
just lifelong.
630
00:23:44,540 --> 00:23:46,624
So our early years
631
00:23:46,659 --> 00:23:49,710
-in our marriage was tough.
-Yeah.
632
00:23:49,745 --> 00:23:52,379
The day we got
our son's autism diagnosis
633
00:23:52,415 --> 00:23:55,382
was just probably one
of the hardest days
634
00:23:55,418 --> 00:23:57,885
in my life.
I just remember
635
00:23:57,920 --> 00:24:00,304
we went out to our car
636
00:24:00,339 --> 00:24:03,140
and we just stood there
637
00:24:03,176 --> 00:24:06,427
and we both just cried.
638
00:24:06,462 --> 00:24:09,763
We were just devastated...
639
00:24:09,798 --> 00:24:12,149
I mean, we had two daughters
that we were all so excited.
640
00:24:12,185 --> 00:24:14,819
This is ernest iii.
641
00:24:14,854 --> 00:24:16,987
No, we didn't know much
about autism,
642
00:24:17,023 --> 00:24:17,988
how are we...
I don't even know
643
00:24:18,024 --> 00:24:19,607
if we do anything about it.
644
00:24:19,642 --> 00:24:24,528
Uh, and it was...
It was just a really,
645
00:24:24,580 --> 00:24:27,948
kind of, gut-wrenching
646
00:24:27,983 --> 00:24:30,034
thing to hear.
647
00:24:30,086 --> 00:24:32,586
Uh...
648
00:24:32,622 --> 00:24:34,622
And we right then jumped in,
took about our horns
649
00:24:34,657 --> 00:24:37,007
and, um, just studied
650
00:24:37,043 --> 00:24:39,126
and just took it
to another whole level.
651
00:24:39,161 --> 00:24:41,545
Big thing that I credit her
for was getting in there
652
00:24:41,597 --> 00:24:44,348
and figuring out, uh,
how to get him some assistance
653
00:24:44,383 --> 00:24:45,549
early on,
early intervention,
654
00:24:45,601 --> 00:24:46,934
and that's been
really critical
655
00:24:46,969 --> 00:24:48,602
to the development of...
656
00:24:48,638 --> 00:24:50,354
But that didn't happen
right away.
657
00:24:50,389 --> 00:24:53,140
I mean you, kind of,
jumped into that part
658
00:24:53,175 --> 00:24:55,809
where we were really good.
I mean, in the early days,
659
00:24:55,844 --> 00:24:57,228
it was really tough.
660
00:24:57,280 --> 00:24:59,146
I couldn't say the word.
661
00:24:59,181 --> 00:25:00,698
I was really sad about it.
662
00:25:00,733 --> 00:25:04,235
I was depressed about it.
663
00:25:04,287 --> 00:25:05,786
And we...
664
00:25:05,821 --> 00:25:07,154
Remember we started
getting those books.
665
00:25:07,189 --> 00:25:08,989
We were like
reading everything.
666
00:25:09,024 --> 00:25:10,958
We were online.
We were... We were just...
667
00:25:10,993 --> 00:25:12,576
That's when I'm making
simultaneous
668
00:25:12,628 --> 00:25:14,461
with the emotional upheaval.
669
00:25:14,497 --> 00:25:16,380
Um, she really took
the labor on
670
00:25:16,415 --> 00:25:19,166
in terms of the research
and, um...
671
00:25:19,201 --> 00:25:21,669
So he wants to make me
the hero of this story
672
00:25:21,704 --> 00:25:23,170
-[laughs].
-Well, I mean, both we met
673
00:25:23,205 --> 00:25:24,755
the challenge together
674
00:25:24,807 --> 00:25:27,007
but, uh, she has to be
credited I think with, um,
675
00:25:27,042 --> 00:25:29,593
leading the charge in terms
of, kind of, figuring out
676
00:25:29,645 --> 00:25:31,428
and, uh, getting
some assistance
677
00:25:31,480 --> 00:25:33,898
from a friend of hers
and a particular doctor,
678
00:25:33,933 --> 00:25:38,736
interventionist, um, to start
to getting him assistance.
679
00:25:38,771 --> 00:25:42,823
For me, um...
680
00:25:42,858 --> 00:25:44,808
In all honesty,
681
00:25:44,844 --> 00:25:46,744
I lived in a lot of fear.
682
00:25:46,779 --> 00:25:51,248
Sydney has always been a...
683
00:25:51,284 --> 00:25:52,499
Um...
684
00:25:54,687 --> 00:25:56,537
-She's always been a...
-Aw.
685
00:25:56,572 --> 00:25:58,706
A turning point for me.
686
00:25:58,741 --> 00:26:01,041
And I think that's why
I deal with her
687
00:26:01,076 --> 00:26:02,626
the way that I do
688
00:26:02,678 --> 00:26:07,765
because...
I could've lost her.
689
00:26:07,800 --> 00:26:11,101
And again, I don't know
what that look like.
690
00:26:11,137 --> 00:26:13,687
I don't know how
we could have handled that
691
00:26:13,723 --> 00:26:17,524
but, um...
692
00:26:17,560 --> 00:26:19,777
To this day,
I guess, you know, uh,
693
00:26:19,812 --> 00:26:21,028
she's like
daddy's girl to me.
694
00:26:21,063 --> 00:26:22,646
-Because I...
-She is.
695
00:26:22,698 --> 00:26:24,231
-She's...
-Not like.
696
00:26:24,266 --> 00:26:28,235
Whatever she needs, fine,
697
00:26:28,270 --> 00:26:30,988
I'll do it because, um,
698
00:26:31,040 --> 00:26:32,906
we were at that point,
699
00:26:32,941 --> 00:26:34,908
at a... In our lives where
700
00:26:34,943 --> 00:26:37,294
we didn't know
from one day to another
701
00:26:37,330 --> 00:26:39,913
if she was gonna be able to.
But now...
702
00:26:39,948 --> 00:26:41,915
But she also gave us
that balance.
703
00:26:41,950 --> 00:26:43,751
It was just like everything
was based on her,
704
00:26:43,786 --> 00:26:47,304
like our life literally
took a turn.
705
00:26:47,340 --> 00:26:49,556
And like I said,
being a young couple,
706
00:26:49,592 --> 00:26:53,177
we didn't know,
um, the one way or the other
707
00:26:53,229 --> 00:26:55,312
but, yeah, it was just...
Yeah.
708
00:26:55,348 --> 00:26:57,014
So I totally agree with that.
709
00:26:57,066 --> 00:26:58,766
It was this balance
710
00:26:58,801 --> 00:27:00,768
but we then saw hope
through her.
711
00:27:00,803 --> 00:27:01,935
So I was like,
"okay, you know what?
712
00:27:01,970 --> 00:27:03,354
We got this."
713
00:27:03,406 --> 00:27:06,023
I remember somebody
making the comment,
714
00:27:06,075 --> 00:27:08,409
"oh, you're having
a designer baby."
715
00:27:08,444 --> 00:27:10,277
and I just, like, broke down
716
00:27:10,312 --> 00:27:12,196
and he was just like,
717
00:27:12,248 --> 00:27:14,782
"why do you care
what these people think?
718
00:27:14,817 --> 00:27:16,917
Like, anybody who loves you
719
00:27:16,952 --> 00:27:18,452
wouldn't say something
like that."
720
00:27:19,588 --> 00:27:22,506
I think one
of biggest things that
721
00:27:22,541 --> 00:27:25,142
probably prevent people
from getting a diagnosis
722
00:27:25,194 --> 00:27:27,027
is the shame
723
00:27:27,063 --> 00:27:29,029
and then the shame
leads to isolation.
724
00:27:29,065 --> 00:27:31,065
I remember we went
to a birthday party,
725
00:27:31,100 --> 00:27:32,366
he was on a preschool,
726
00:27:32,401 --> 00:27:35,452
and it was at
a gymnastic center.
727
00:27:35,488 --> 00:27:37,988
And so, we were in
a certain part of the center
728
00:27:38,040 --> 00:27:39,239
and the other part
of the center
729
00:27:39,274 --> 00:27:40,991
they were having
gymnastic classes
730
00:27:41,043 --> 00:27:43,377
and marty wouldn't stay
with the group.
731
00:27:43,412 --> 00:27:44,912
He kept wanting to run off
732
00:27:44,947 --> 00:27:47,965
to the other, uh,
part of the gym
733
00:27:48,000 --> 00:27:50,050
to watch what was happening
with the other kids.
734
00:27:50,086 --> 00:27:51,552
And it was really
annoying the mother
735
00:27:51,587 --> 00:27:53,337
who was hosting this party,
736
00:27:53,389 --> 00:27:55,889
uh, so much so that, uh,
737
00:27:55,925 --> 00:27:57,891
she didn't quite
ask us to leave
738
00:27:57,927 --> 00:28:00,260
but it felt like
she really wanted us to leave.
739
00:28:00,295 --> 00:28:02,062
And it was so painful for me
740
00:28:02,098 --> 00:28:04,381
and I, kind of, cried
and then I went to my car
741
00:28:04,417 --> 00:28:06,433
and I was just, you know,
"should I just leave?"
742
00:28:06,468 --> 00:28:08,152
because I know she didn't
want me to be there.
743
00:28:08,187 --> 00:28:10,654
And marty couldn't partake
with the other kids.
744
00:28:10,690 --> 00:28:13,607
He wasn't playing the games
with the other kids.
745
00:28:13,642 --> 00:28:16,193
And, you know,
I stopped and I said,
746
00:28:16,245 --> 00:28:18,195
"you know what,
if I leave this party now,
747
00:28:18,247 --> 00:28:19,830
I'm gonna be
leaving functions
748
00:28:19,865 --> 00:28:23,083
for the rest of my life.
I'm never going to be able
749
00:28:23,119 --> 00:28:24,368
to do anything with my son."
750
00:28:24,420 --> 00:28:26,537
and my son...
She invited us
751
00:28:26,589 --> 00:28:28,589
and there's nothing wrong
with my son.
752
00:28:28,624 --> 00:28:31,792
And so what if he wants
to run over to the other side
753
00:28:31,827 --> 00:28:34,928
and play with those kids?
It's... And I just...
754
00:28:34,964 --> 00:28:37,097
We walked back in
and we stayed.
755
00:28:37,133 --> 00:28:40,768
And it was those kinds
of experiences
756
00:28:40,803 --> 00:28:41,969
that helped me, I think,
757
00:28:42,004 --> 00:28:43,721
become an advocate
in this area
758
00:28:43,773 --> 00:28:46,523
because there were
so many small things.
759
00:28:46,559 --> 00:28:47,891
I look back,
I call them small now,
760
00:28:47,943 --> 00:28:49,109
they weren't small
at the time,
761
00:28:49,145 --> 00:28:50,694
they were huge,
762
00:28:50,730 --> 00:28:52,730
because everybody wants
their kid to be accepted.
763
00:28:52,782 --> 00:28:55,866
Nobody wants their kid
to be the odd kid out.
764
00:28:55,901 --> 00:28:57,868
And simple things
like play dates,
765
00:28:57,903 --> 00:28:59,870
nobody would invite him.
766
00:28:59,905 --> 00:29:01,538
You know,
he wouldn't get invited.
767
00:29:01,574 --> 00:29:04,658
And so our family,
768
00:29:04,693 --> 00:29:07,327
ernest was always like,
you know,
769
00:29:07,362 --> 00:29:08,996
"if you're gonna
invite the martins,
770
00:29:09,031 --> 00:29:11,548
the martins are all of us."
771
00:29:11,584 --> 00:29:13,584
but that wasn't
as easy for me.
772
00:29:13,636 --> 00:29:16,754
If you want to consider
having, um, a child
773
00:29:16,806 --> 00:29:18,555
and you do have to have
a fibroid surgery,
774
00:29:18,591 --> 00:29:20,140
make sure you have
a fertility doctor
775
00:29:20,176 --> 00:29:22,176
do your surgery
because they will reserve
776
00:29:22,211 --> 00:29:23,927
-and preserve...
-Yeah. Because they're more
777
00:29:23,979 --> 00:29:26,396
conscious of what you need
to actually become pregnant
778
00:29:26,432 --> 00:29:27,681
in your lining,
779
00:29:27,716 --> 00:29:29,349
which is all the stuff
that we learned.
780
00:29:29,384 --> 00:29:31,435
-Um... So, yes.
-Come on with the md words
781
00:29:31,487 --> 00:29:33,320
-over here.
-So, yeah. So she had the...
782
00:29:33,355 --> 00:29:34,988
-She had the surgery. Um...
-So I had the surgery
783
00:29:35,024 --> 00:29:36,406
and I went to lunch
and come back home.
784
00:29:36,442 --> 00:29:37,741
She went to lunch
with a friend of ours.
785
00:29:37,777 --> 00:29:39,443
The next morning
I had cramps.
786
00:29:39,495 --> 00:29:40,911
I was on the phone
with a client
787
00:29:40,946 --> 00:29:42,246
and even though
I had the surgery
788
00:29:42,281 --> 00:29:43,997
I hadn't told anybody
about it.
789
00:29:44,033 --> 00:29:45,666
-So I'm still on the phone...
-She's great at that.
790
00:29:45,701 --> 00:29:47,201
...Cramping and while I'm on
the phone with her,
791
00:29:47,236 --> 00:29:49,286
I'm also clotting out
a lot of blood.
792
00:29:49,338 --> 00:29:51,505
And in the midst of that,
like I said, with fertility
793
00:29:51,540 --> 00:29:53,173
and trying to get
to that space,
794
00:29:53,209 --> 00:29:55,759
I knew something was wrong
because I then felt dizzy.
795
00:29:55,795 --> 00:29:57,427
I was gonna lay down
in the bathroom
796
00:29:57,463 --> 00:29:59,096
-because that's how we got...
-So I rush over there
797
00:29:59,131 --> 00:30:02,466
to, um, help her out,
to get a pillow.
798
00:30:02,518 --> 00:30:04,184
And I realize as
I pick her...
799
00:30:04,220 --> 00:30:06,470
Because she was sitting
on the...
800
00:30:06,522 --> 00:30:08,605
-On the potty.
-On... Yeah, on the potty.
801
00:30:08,641 --> 00:30:11,475
And, um, so I went
to pick her up
802
00:30:11,527 --> 00:30:14,812
and literally,
blood was pouring out of her
803
00:30:14,864 --> 00:30:16,146
as I picked her up
and I'm like,
804
00:30:16,198 --> 00:30:18,148
"oh, my god."
like, pouring out of.
805
00:30:18,200 --> 00:30:20,117
And I'm... And she's like,
"oh, I'm about to faint."
806
00:30:20,152 --> 00:30:22,953
-and I passed out. [laughs]
-and I'm like... I'm like, no.
807
00:30:22,988 --> 00:30:24,571
I was like, you know...
You know, stay...
808
00:30:24,606 --> 00:30:26,957
-It was a lot of blood, yeah.
-So I had to, um...
809
00:30:26,992 --> 00:30:28,542
-You said it was a massacre.
-It was... It was one
810
00:30:28,577 --> 00:30:30,077
of the scariest days
of my life because, I mean,
811
00:30:30,112 --> 00:30:31,879
literally, we had to
call the ambulance,
812
00:30:31,914 --> 00:30:33,330
uh, because she
had... She did...
813
00:30:33,382 --> 00:30:35,299
-I was passed out, yeah.
-...Kind of pass out.
814
00:30:35,334 --> 00:30:37,835
When our daughter
was first diagnosed,
815
00:30:37,887 --> 00:30:40,921
it was the idea that
it crossed my mind
816
00:30:40,956 --> 00:30:43,223
that...
817
00:30:43,259 --> 00:30:46,310
You know, I don't wanna be
selfish in this,
818
00:30:46,345 --> 00:30:49,763
but I did have dreams
819
00:30:49,798 --> 00:30:52,566
that I think
may not ever happen.
820
00:30:52,601 --> 00:30:54,101
And it was just like,
821
00:30:54,136 --> 00:30:58,322
"am I really...
How do I settle gracefully
822
00:30:58,357 --> 00:31:02,492
and still be a good partner
in this relationship
823
00:31:02,528 --> 00:31:04,995
when now I'm going to settle?"
824
00:31:05,030 --> 00:31:07,664
I'm gonna take a
back seat because
825
00:31:07,700 --> 00:31:10,667
I'm needed
in a different capacity
826
00:31:10,703 --> 00:31:13,086
than what I imagine doing
when I was a little girl.
827
00:31:13,122 --> 00:31:15,422
And every goal that I had
ever written down
828
00:31:15,457 --> 00:31:17,424
and all of that stuff
is ultimately
829
00:31:17,459 --> 00:31:19,376
not going to happen.
830
00:31:19,428 --> 00:31:22,596
Then when we were able
to sit down
831
00:31:22,631 --> 00:31:24,715
and have that conversation
832
00:31:24,767 --> 00:31:28,302
about bringing forth
my best self
833
00:31:28,337 --> 00:31:31,438
and, you know, him doing
the same thing,
834
00:31:31,473 --> 00:31:33,557
it gave me hope
and I realize
835
00:31:33,609 --> 00:31:36,944
that you really can
do it all.
836
00:31:36,979 --> 00:31:39,062
It just doesn't have to look
like everybody else.
837
00:31:39,114 --> 00:31:40,314
-You just have to figure out
-right.
838
00:31:40,349 --> 00:31:43,233
-...What works best for us.
-For us.
839
00:31:43,285 --> 00:31:46,203
-Right.
-And we have been really good
840
00:31:46,238 --> 00:31:48,956
at figuring out
what works for us
841
00:31:48,991 --> 00:31:52,159
and not basing that
on any other couple.
842
00:31:52,194 --> 00:31:54,161
I didn't get postpartum.
843
00:31:54,196 --> 00:31:56,830
But during my pregnancy,
I dealt with depression
844
00:31:56,865 --> 00:31:59,917
and it was
this added guilt of,
845
00:31:59,969 --> 00:32:02,219
"but you wanted this,
but you tried five years
846
00:32:02,254 --> 00:32:03,921
to get this,
this is what you guys wanted."
847
00:32:03,973 --> 00:32:07,057
and just nobody
understanding me but him.
848
00:32:07,092 --> 00:32:08,926
And him being like,
"you're still a person.
849
00:32:08,978 --> 00:32:10,928
You're still gonna have pains
850
00:32:10,980 --> 00:32:12,479
that every other mom
goes through,
851
00:32:12,514 --> 00:32:13,931
whether you wanted
this or not.
852
00:32:13,983 --> 00:32:17,234
And-and that being grateful
and being sad
853
00:32:17,269 --> 00:32:19,403
or being hurt
or anything,
854
00:32:19,438 --> 00:32:21,405
those can exist
in the same space."
855
00:32:21,440 --> 00:32:22,773
there's a lot of people
who will judge you
856
00:32:22,825 --> 00:32:23,941
-when you're pregnant.
-Yeah.
857
00:32:23,993 --> 00:32:25,325
And you went through ifv
858
00:32:25,361 --> 00:32:26,610
and you're like,
"well, you wanted it.
859
00:32:26,662 --> 00:32:28,161
Why are you complaining?
860
00:32:28,197 --> 00:32:29,663
This is what you wanted."
861
00:32:29,698 --> 00:32:31,164
-you pay for it.
-And you do fight for it.
862
00:32:31,200 --> 00:32:33,533
You pay for it
all your life, and it just...
863
00:32:33,568 --> 00:32:35,752
Still, you can still feel
those same emotions
864
00:32:35,788 --> 00:32:37,254
if you pay for it,
if you didn't.
865
00:32:37,289 --> 00:32:38,372
-Yeah.
-If you got lucky
866
00:32:38,407 --> 00:32:40,257
or you didn't
get lucky, like,
867
00:32:40,292 --> 00:32:42,342
it's just your...
You can only be human.
868
00:32:42,378 --> 00:32:43,877
-Right.
-And that's what it is.
869
00:32:43,912 --> 00:32:45,762
And another piece of the ivf,
870
00:32:45,798 --> 00:32:48,515
everyone's so judgmental
about ivf.
871
00:32:48,550 --> 00:32:51,184
And I remember
somebody making a comment,
872
00:32:51,220 --> 00:32:53,603
"oh, you're having
a designer baby."
873
00:32:53,639 --> 00:32:55,555
and I just, like,
broke down.
874
00:32:55,590 --> 00:32:57,357
And he was just like,
875
00:32:57,393 --> 00:32:59,977
"why do you care
what these people think?
876
00:33:00,029 --> 00:33:02,062
Like, anybody who loves you
877
00:33:02,097 --> 00:33:03,697
wouldn't say something
like that.
878
00:33:03,732 --> 00:33:06,066
So stop thinking about
what people who haven't..."
879
00:33:06,101 --> 00:33:08,118
he's like, "everybody has
an opinion, you know?
880
00:33:08,153 --> 00:33:09,653
Like, don't worry
about that."
881
00:33:09,705 --> 00:33:11,905
and that's one
of the things that I think
882
00:33:11,940 --> 00:33:17,127
he's helped me
with the most is to...
883
00:33:17,162 --> 00:33:19,212
Stop caring about what
other people think about you.
884
00:33:19,248 --> 00:33:23,417
Yeah. Karl could make
the most random crazy decision
885
00:33:23,452 --> 00:33:27,587
and be okay with whatever
came his way with it,
886
00:33:27,622 --> 00:33:29,306
because he's happy with it.
887
00:33:29,341 --> 00:33:32,559
And I admire that about him
and I envy that about him.
888
00:33:32,594 --> 00:33:34,895
-But it's been helping me...
-You have to get in the boat.
889
00:33:34,930 --> 00:33:36,313
Yeah.
I gotta get on the boat.
890
00:33:36,348 --> 00:33:37,564
Get on the boat.
891
00:33:37,599 --> 00:33:39,566
Yeah. I was scared of water.
[laughs]
892
00:33:39,601 --> 00:33:41,735
-right. You got a life raft.
-Right.
893
00:33:43,021 --> 00:33:44,321
So then it got to be...
We got to be like a joke.
894
00:33:44,356 --> 00:33:46,323
Uh, you know,
we could joke about it.
895
00:33:46,358 --> 00:33:47,941
And we could laugh about it.
896
00:33:47,993 --> 00:33:53,113
Uh, our church,
go to a big black noisy church
897
00:33:53,165 --> 00:33:55,949
and people would have
the nerve to look at you
898
00:33:56,001 --> 00:33:57,751
when marty's making noise.
899
00:33:57,786 --> 00:33:59,953
And I would just stand there
like, "really?
900
00:34:00,005 --> 00:34:01,621
All this screaming
going on this church
901
00:34:01,673 --> 00:34:04,341
and marty is the problem?"
[laughs] that's so...
902
00:34:04,376 --> 00:34:05,842
After a while, the kids,
903
00:34:05,878 --> 00:34:07,344
you know,
I would go without them,
904
00:34:07,379 --> 00:34:08,929
and it was the family
and they would bring
905
00:34:08,964 --> 00:34:11,515
their disabled kids,
and a couple of unexpected,
906
00:34:11,550 --> 00:34:13,467
but these kids are screaming
and I would purposefully sit
907
00:34:13,502 --> 00:34:15,869
by them even though
I don't have marty with me.
908
00:34:15,904 --> 00:34:17,304
And a girlfriend of mine was,
909
00:34:17,339 --> 00:34:18,705
"why you always have to sit
over there?"
910
00:34:18,741 --> 00:34:20,974
I said so that I can
stare back at the people
911
00:34:21,009 --> 00:34:23,510
at this church
with all their judgment
912
00:34:23,545 --> 00:34:26,980
and make this family
feel like it's okay
913
00:34:27,015 --> 00:34:29,649
to be in this loud,
noisy church,
914
00:34:29,685 --> 00:34:32,619
and that these kids
are okay to be here.
915
00:34:32,654 --> 00:34:34,654
And so...
But that took a lot of time,
916
00:34:34,706 --> 00:34:36,990
it took a lot of courage
and strength on my part
917
00:34:37,042 --> 00:34:39,042
to get to that place,
918
00:34:39,077 --> 00:34:40,494
not just stand up for marty,
919
00:34:40,529 --> 00:34:43,046
I could stand up
for that family and...
920
00:34:43,081 --> 00:34:45,382
You know, the-the other work
that I do, kind of,
921
00:34:45,417 --> 00:34:47,634
you know, flows from there.
922
00:34:47,669 --> 00:34:49,386
I got pregnant
right after that
923
00:34:49,421 --> 00:34:50,804
and then I had
a miscarriage
924
00:34:50,839 --> 00:34:52,472
which could've been
two things, he said.
925
00:34:52,508 --> 00:34:54,307
One that my lining
wasn't healthy
926
00:34:54,343 --> 00:34:57,227
or two, that my quality
of eggs still isn't good.
927
00:34:57,262 --> 00:34:58,812
So he said,
"let's just take a break
928
00:34:58,847 --> 00:35:01,848
and do ivf in the next
three months.
929
00:35:01,900 --> 00:35:03,150
We went back in January,
930
00:35:03,185 --> 00:35:04,568
you know,
the holiday's passed,
931
00:35:04,603 --> 00:35:06,319
we're having a good time,
you know,
932
00:35:06,355 --> 00:35:07,687
enjoying one another.
933
00:35:07,739 --> 00:35:10,857
And we go in January
to start the ivf.
934
00:35:10,909 --> 00:35:12,492
He's like, "okay, well,
let me go in and..."
935
00:35:12,528 --> 00:35:14,327
she had to do an exam.
You know what I'm saying?
936
00:35:14,363 --> 00:35:15,495
Before they start
the process.
937
00:35:15,531 --> 00:35:16,746
-So he wants to see...
-Yeah.
938
00:35:16,782 --> 00:35:18,448
You know,
how she's naturally...
939
00:35:18,483 --> 00:35:19,533
Whatever.
940
00:35:19,585 --> 00:35:21,084
So he's recording
941
00:35:21,119 --> 00:35:22,836
-the process of the...
-Right.
942
00:35:22,871 --> 00:35:24,371
Of-of dr. Haken and...
943
00:35:24,423 --> 00:35:25,872
Yeah, because, you know,
he's about to give us
944
00:35:25,924 --> 00:35:28,041
the feedback on,
you know, how...
945
00:35:28,093 --> 00:35:29,459
-When we started.
-Her lining
946
00:35:29,494 --> 00:35:32,212
and when she restart,
blah, blah, blah.
947
00:35:32,264 --> 00:35:34,714
And in the process,
he was like,
948
00:35:34,766 --> 00:35:36,216
"do you hear that?"
and we was like...
949
00:35:36,268 --> 00:35:37,767
And it's like, boom, boom.
I was like,
950
00:35:37,803 --> 00:35:39,186
-"oh, my god. What is that?"
-I thought it was
951
00:35:39,221 --> 00:35:40,554
-my heartbeat. I was like...
-She-she said...
952
00:35:40,606 --> 00:35:42,522
-Yeah, she said...
-I'm a little blondish.
953
00:35:42,558 --> 00:35:43,640
She's like,
"is that my heartbeat?"
954
00:35:43,675 --> 00:35:45,108
I said, "is that
my heartbeat?"
955
00:35:45,143 --> 00:35:46,560
and he said, "yeah,
it's a heartbeat.
956
00:35:46,612 --> 00:35:47,861
But it's not yours.
957
00:35:47,896 --> 00:35:49,112
"you're pregnant."
958
00:35:49,147 --> 00:35:51,198
so not only was I pregnant,
959
00:35:51,233 --> 00:35:53,149
-I didn't know I was pregnant.
-And I was just shocked.
I was like...
960
00:35:53,184 --> 00:35:55,402
To the point
of having a heartbeat.
961
00:35:55,454 --> 00:35:57,454
Because this is the last thing
we expected, we're expecting,
"okay, well,
962
00:35:57,489 --> 00:35:59,573
when are we gonna sign up
to get these shots done?"
963
00:35:59,625 --> 00:36:01,491
blah, blah, blah.
And here we go...
964
00:36:01,526 --> 00:36:02,792
But it's amazing
what your body does
965
00:36:02,828 --> 00:36:04,544
when you're told to just stop.
966
00:36:04,580 --> 00:36:06,963
I went to that same bathroom
afterwards and...
967
00:36:06,999 --> 00:36:08,665
That I had collapsed at
and I was like,
968
00:36:08,700 --> 00:36:10,667
"thank you, lord.
I hear you.
969
00:36:10,702 --> 00:36:12,669
Not only do I hear you,
I hear the heartbeat."
970
00:36:12,704 --> 00:36:15,088
so the same place...
I'm getting emotional.
971
00:36:15,140 --> 00:36:17,340
The same place,
it was actually the same room
972
00:36:17,375 --> 00:36:18,808
that he told me
the scenario was,
973
00:36:18,844 --> 00:36:20,477
in the same bathroom
I realize,
974
00:36:20,512 --> 00:36:22,929
"wow, lot of times,
you know, it's not about...
975
00:36:22,981 --> 00:36:26,933
What you want, it's when god
is ready to give it to you."
976
00:36:26,985 --> 00:36:29,686
after all the ivf stuff,
977
00:36:29,721 --> 00:36:31,488
if it didn't work,
978
00:36:31,523 --> 00:36:32,822
I thought about...
979
00:36:32,858 --> 00:36:34,157
-Maybe adoption.
-Mmm-hmm.
980
00:36:34,192 --> 00:36:37,661
Maybe, uh, a surrogate,
you know?
981
00:36:37,696 --> 00:36:41,615
Just all... Everything added
then if nothing,
982
00:36:41,667 --> 00:36:43,617
at the end of the day,
nothing-nothing,
983
00:36:43,669 --> 00:36:45,835
then...
984
00:36:45,871 --> 00:36:47,921
Yeah, I would've been
fine with that too.
985
00:36:47,956 --> 00:36:49,506
I just wanted to make sure
I can do everything
986
00:36:49,541 --> 00:36:54,344
in my power to help my wife
and, uh, achieve a goal.
987
00:36:54,379 --> 00:36:55,962
Going through that process,
988
00:36:56,014 --> 00:36:58,798
karl was very intentional
about making me laugh.
989
00:36:58,850 --> 00:37:01,351
He would find any...
990
00:37:01,386 --> 00:37:03,637
I have videos of him
just like...
991
00:37:03,689 --> 00:37:06,940
Just doing silly things
to just make me smile
992
00:37:06,975 --> 00:37:10,277
when I was down or, like,
in that long break that...
993
00:37:10,312 --> 00:37:12,445
We took like a six
or seven-month break...
994
00:37:12,481 --> 00:37:14,230
-Mmm-hmm.
-...Um, before the last time
995
00:37:14,265 --> 00:37:15,615
that we tried it.
996
00:37:15,651 --> 00:37:17,534
And we did
what we were calling
997
00:37:17,569 --> 00:37:19,486
the joys of infertility tour.
998
00:37:19,538 --> 00:37:21,237
So we did all the things
999
00:37:21,272 --> 00:37:22,656
you can't do
when you're pregnant.
1000
00:37:22,708 --> 00:37:25,792
It was so fun
and I think that that joy
1001
00:37:25,827 --> 00:37:28,411
played a large part
in our success
1002
00:37:28,446 --> 00:37:29,713
in our last round.
1003
00:37:29,748 --> 00:37:31,665
I think I went
into that last round
1004
00:37:31,717 --> 00:37:33,883
realizing how much fun
that you can have
1005
00:37:33,919 --> 00:37:35,418
without a child.
1006
00:37:35,453 --> 00:37:37,504
You know, like, do we want
a child? Absolutely.
1007
00:37:37,556 --> 00:37:39,055
But we can still enjoy
our life.
1008
00:37:39,091 --> 00:37:40,974
And so I think
that's what that showed me.
1009
00:37:41,009 --> 00:37:43,176
And I think it did lift
a lot off of me
1010
00:37:43,228 --> 00:37:47,097
and I didn't go into
that last round so, like,
1011
00:37:47,132 --> 00:37:48,515
-"oh, everything's on me."
-mmm-hmm.
1012
00:37:48,567 --> 00:37:49,683
Like, if it doesn't work out,
1013
00:37:49,735 --> 00:37:51,318
it's my fault, you know?
1014
00:37:51,353 --> 00:37:52,402
It was just like...
If it doesn't work out,
1015
00:37:52,437 --> 00:37:53,486
I know that I have a marriage
1016
00:37:53,522 --> 00:37:55,522
that can get through this.
1017
00:37:55,574 --> 00:37:57,524
I know that I have
a marriage that is okay,
1018
00:37:57,576 --> 00:37:58,858
child or no child.
1019
00:37:58,910 --> 00:38:00,577
-Yes.
-So...
1020
00:38:00,612 --> 00:38:03,196
People would talk about,
"oh, marriage is work."
1021
00:38:03,248 --> 00:38:05,198
it's like...
Like, it's arduous work,
1022
00:38:05,250 --> 00:38:06,666
like, you know,
digging ditches
1023
00:38:06,702 --> 00:38:08,201
or something like that.
1024
00:38:08,253 --> 00:38:10,620
And so I don't think that
1025
00:38:10,655 --> 00:38:13,123
in our marriage is hard work.
1026
00:38:13,158 --> 00:38:15,291
I think it's work,
meaning effort.
1027
00:38:15,326 --> 00:38:18,128
-Mmm-hmm.
-That we have to be, uh...
1028
00:38:18,163 --> 00:38:23,466
You know, put effort
and be mindful of what we want
1029
00:38:23,501 --> 00:38:26,302
and then put effort
towards making that thing
1030
00:38:26,337 --> 00:38:28,271
-come into fruition every day.
-Mmm-hmm.
1031
00:38:28,306 --> 00:38:32,692
I definitely think,
um, being loved by my family
1032
00:38:32,728 --> 00:38:36,112
the way that I was loved
just really unconditionally,
1033
00:38:36,148 --> 00:38:38,398
um, I never...
Uh, I would always say,
1034
00:38:38,450 --> 00:38:40,033
and jason has a similar story,
1035
00:38:40,068 --> 00:38:42,535
I never had
to come out, per se.
1036
00:38:42,571 --> 00:38:46,373
When it comes to my love
for jason and loving him
1037
00:38:46,408 --> 00:38:48,324
a thousand percent
completely,
1038
00:38:48,359 --> 00:38:50,377
it's the way
that I was loved.
1039
00:38:50,412 --> 00:38:51,878
-Yeah, it's your experience.
-It's my experience.
1040
00:38:51,913 --> 00:38:53,046
It's your...
It's your experience.
1041
00:38:53,081 --> 00:38:54,247
It's the way that I was loved.
1042
00:38:54,299 --> 00:38:55,665
-Yeah.
-So I'm giving him
1043
00:38:55,700 --> 00:38:57,584
what I got.
I don't know any other way.
1044
00:38:57,636 --> 00:38:59,502
I think what's really
beautiful is that
1045
00:38:59,537 --> 00:39:02,389
adair grew up
in the bronx in new york.
1046
00:39:02,424 --> 00:39:03,973
I grew up
in st. Louis, missouri
1047
00:39:04,009 --> 00:39:05,592
in the middle of america,
right?
1048
00:39:05,644 --> 00:39:10,063
And you have these...
1049
00:39:10,098 --> 00:39:11,981
Exact experiences.
1050
00:39:12,017 --> 00:39:15,468
We had very important,
1051
00:39:15,504 --> 00:39:19,806
sensible, loving,
smart parents
1052
00:39:19,841 --> 00:39:23,943
who decided to teach us
1053
00:39:23,995 --> 00:39:26,413
and love us fully, you know?
1054
00:39:26,448 --> 00:39:28,114
So that's all we know,
1055
00:39:28,166 --> 00:39:29,999
that's legit all we know.
1056
00:39:30,035 --> 00:39:32,118
And if it does not feel
like that, let it come...
1057
00:39:32,170 --> 00:39:34,370
Let it be in a work
relationship,
1058
00:39:34,405 --> 00:39:36,289
a friendship,
and our marriage.
1059
00:39:36,341 --> 00:39:38,291
That is not where we need
to exist.
1060
00:39:38,343 --> 00:39:39,926
It doesn't make any sense.
1061
00:39:39,961 --> 00:39:41,461
The way that I love adair
1062
00:39:41,513 --> 00:39:44,848
is the mirror of the way
that I was taught to love.
1063
00:39:44,883 --> 00:39:47,851
And, you know, it...
It's... It... So I...
1064
00:39:47,886 --> 00:39:50,136
What I'm excited about
is the combination
1065
00:39:50,188 --> 00:39:53,690
of how he was taught love
and how I was taught to love
1066
00:39:53,725 --> 00:39:55,892
and, like, how we can
actually implement that
1067
00:39:55,927 --> 00:39:59,479
in another black...
Little black boy's life.
1068
00:39:59,531 --> 00:40:01,981
It's gonna be epic.
It's gonna be epic.
1069
00:40:02,033 --> 00:40:05,318
It's gonna be some
obama-ness happening.
1070
00:40:05,370 --> 00:40:07,871
With a little bit
of yara shahidi.
1071
00:40:07,906 --> 00:40:10,373
-Like, something like that.
-Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.
1072
00:40:10,408 --> 00:40:14,461
[mellow music playing]
1073
00:40:14,496 --> 00:40:16,546
[man] I was just scared.
I was just, like,
1074
00:40:16,581 --> 00:40:18,414
scared to mess it up,
you know what I mean?
1075
00:40:18,449 --> 00:40:21,918
And not knowing if I was in
a place to where I wouldn't.
1076
00:40:21,953 --> 00:40:24,254
I can't impose my will
1077
00:40:24,289 --> 00:40:27,006
on her or my beliefs
and say,
1078
00:40:27,058 --> 00:40:29,809
"this is how
it's going to be, or else."
1079
00:40:29,845 --> 00:40:32,145
because whenever you throw
an "or else" in there,
1080
00:40:32,180 --> 00:40:35,064
then, you gonna get...
1081
00:40:35,100 --> 00:40:36,649
-Or else. Mmm-hmm.
-...Or else.
1082
00:40:36,685 --> 00:40:38,685
But I remember going
to the doctor and...
1083
00:40:38,737 --> 00:40:41,738
In there and, you know...
I don't wanna stay
1084
00:40:41,773 --> 00:40:43,239
and, you know, we got kids
1085
00:40:43,275 --> 00:40:44,774
and it's just tough, it's...
1086
00:40:44,809 --> 00:40:46,242
The weight is heavy.
1087
00:40:46,278 --> 00:40:48,661
Um, but I stood.
1088
00:40:48,697 --> 00:40:50,246
I just said,
"honey, I got to do it
1089
00:40:50,282 --> 00:40:52,198
so I can have myself back."
1090
00:40:52,250 --> 00:40:54,033
and, uh, we went through that.
1091
00:40:54,085 --> 00:40:56,169
I'd never seen him so afraid.
1092
00:40:56,204 --> 00:40:59,506
Like, that was the first time
I've ever seen ron just...
1093
00:40:59,541 --> 00:41:01,424
I-I saw you just freak out.