1 00:00:02,603 --> 00:00:04,353 Folks who are over 40, 2 00:00:04,388 --> 00:00:06,055 who met online, 3 00:00:06,107 --> 00:00:09,058 who have children by previous relationships 4 00:00:09,110 --> 00:00:11,810 and none together, saying, you know, 5 00:00:11,845 --> 00:00:14,980 "we... It's me and him, and we are figuring this out, 6 00:00:15,015 --> 00:00:16,732 and we are riding this together 7 00:00:16,784 --> 00:00:18,734 with the family who is intact 8 00:00:18,786 --> 00:00:21,403 and who loves and is not fragmented." 9 00:00:21,455 --> 00:00:23,572 when you're having kids when you first start off 10 00:00:23,624 --> 00:00:25,791 in a...In a young marriage, 11 00:00:25,826 --> 00:00:27,493 -that's your primary focus. -Right. 12 00:00:27,528 --> 00:00:29,078 And at the time, you know, you're trying to work, 13 00:00:29,130 --> 00:00:31,163 you're trying to build, at the same time, 14 00:00:31,198 --> 00:00:33,382 you're trying to nurture and to parent, 15 00:00:33,417 --> 00:00:35,417 and we were not parenting. 16 00:00:35,469 --> 00:00:38,504 So we didn't have that history or background 17 00:00:38,539 --> 00:00:39,888 to have some, you know, 18 00:00:39,924 --> 00:00:41,807 something like a resource to fall back on 19 00:00:41,842 --> 00:00:43,759 and say, "this is how you're supposed to do it." 20 00:00:43,811 --> 00:00:45,728 -right, right. -We did not. 21 00:00:45,763 --> 00:00:48,397 I was taught that go to school, 22 00:00:48,432 --> 00:00:49,982 you get a good education. 23 00:00:50,017 --> 00:00:51,433 You know, you get a great job, 24 00:00:51,485 --> 00:00:52,851 you know, and I had a great job, you know, 25 00:00:52,886 --> 00:00:54,820 I'm doing stuff, now I'm on tv and, 26 00:00:54,855 --> 00:00:56,572 you know, all these things are going right. 27 00:00:56,607 --> 00:00:57,906 And I'm like, "god, this is... Like, 28 00:00:57,942 --> 00:00:59,441 you're gonna let this happen to me? 29 00:00:59,493 --> 00:01:01,110 Like I'm not going to be able to be a mother? 30 00:01:01,162 --> 00:01:03,195 Like, did I wait too long? Like, why me?" 31 00:01:03,230 --> 00:01:05,197 um, you know, I'm like, you know, 32 00:01:05,232 --> 00:01:06,915 feed the homeless, like what [laughs], 33 00:01:06,951 --> 00:01:09,418 you know. What did... What did... What did I do? 34 00:01:09,453 --> 00:01:11,503 So I was in the bathroom and I just pleaded, 35 00:01:11,539 --> 00:01:13,205 I was like, "lord, you know, whatever it is, 36 00:01:13,240 --> 00:01:14,706 whatever purpose this is, 37 00:01:14,741 --> 00:01:16,208 whatever platform you give me, 38 00:01:16,243 --> 00:01:19,795 I'll take it. But please don't take away 39 00:01:19,847 --> 00:01:21,547 my opportunity of being a mother." 40 00:01:21,582 --> 00:01:24,550 [upbeat music playing] 41 00:01:53,080 --> 00:01:54,630 [erica] so we met online, 42 00:01:54,665 --> 00:01:56,715 I had my private settings on 43 00:01:56,750 --> 00:01:58,467 so that nobody could contact me 44 00:01:58,502 --> 00:02:00,719 and so I contacted him with the, 45 00:02:00,754 --> 00:02:02,421 -"hey, handsome." and... -Yeah. 46 00:02:02,456 --> 00:02:03,839 That's all... That's all it really took... 47 00:02:03,891 --> 00:02:05,340 -Yeah. -...For me. 48 00:02:05,392 --> 00:02:07,726 We exchanged phone numbers and we talked for 49 00:02:07,761 --> 00:02:09,928 almost three weeks, two weeks. 50 00:02:09,963 --> 00:02:11,763 -Yeah, hours on end. -Um, yeah, 51 00:02:11,798 --> 00:02:13,398 and so you got that high school feeling 52 00:02:13,434 --> 00:02:14,766 of like falling asleep on the phone 53 00:02:14,801 --> 00:02:15,934 -and like really, so... -Mmm-hmm. 54 00:02:15,969 --> 00:02:17,319 ...By the time I actually 55 00:02:17,354 --> 00:02:18,520 met him in person, 56 00:02:18,572 --> 00:02:20,906 I felt like I knew this person 57 00:02:20,941 --> 00:02:22,491 deeper than any first date 58 00:02:22,526 --> 00:02:24,359 I'd ever been on because it was just like 59 00:02:24,411 --> 00:02:26,361 we had talked about all the big things. 60 00:02:26,413 --> 00:02:28,163 And then eight weeks later, 61 00:02:28,199 --> 00:02:29,765 he was down on one knee. 62 00:02:29,800 --> 00:02:32,935 We got married exactly on 07/20 up a year 63 00:02:32,970 --> 00:02:35,070 after we decided to be boyfriend and girlfriend. 64 00:02:35,105 --> 00:02:38,590 Did we want kids right away? Probably not. 65 00:02:38,626 --> 00:02:43,095 I think I grew up knowing something was wrong with me, 66 00:02:43,130 --> 00:02:46,765 um, because I was never, like, really regular 67 00:02:46,800 --> 00:02:49,518 and I used to tell my family I didn't want kids. 68 00:02:49,553 --> 00:02:52,271 And I think that was like my defense mechanism too 69 00:02:52,306 --> 00:02:53,972 if I couldn't have kids. 70 00:02:54,007 --> 00:02:57,442 Um, and so when we met, 71 00:02:57,478 --> 00:02:59,645 we had talked about kids and if kids was important 72 00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:01,813 and I was like, "oh, I don't really want kids." 73 00:03:01,848 --> 00:03:03,365 and he was like, "uh, I think, 74 00:03:03,400 --> 00:03:04,733 you know, take it or leave it." 75 00:03:04,785 --> 00:03:06,535 -yeah. -And so we were like, "okay. 76 00:03:06,570 --> 00:03:08,120 Like, this will work." like if we don't have kids, 77 00:03:08,155 --> 00:03:09,571 cool, if we a kid, cool. 78 00:03:09,623 --> 00:03:10,739 His parents have been married 79 00:03:10,791 --> 00:03:12,374 for 50 plus years 80 00:03:12,409 --> 00:03:14,910 and I felt like that's such a great blueprint 81 00:03:14,962 --> 00:03:16,912 being that he, you know, being a black man 82 00:03:16,964 --> 00:03:18,380 and having this, you know, 83 00:03:18,415 --> 00:03:21,833 amazing example, um, was rare. 84 00:03:21,868 --> 00:03:24,970 I just didn't really digest marriage in a good light 85 00:03:25,005 --> 00:03:28,590 until I saw his parents and saw that, okay, 86 00:03:28,642 --> 00:03:30,392 through the test of time marriage means more 87 00:03:30,427 --> 00:03:31,643 than just loving somebody, 88 00:03:31,679 --> 00:03:32,978 it means more than just, 89 00:03:33,013 --> 00:03:35,397 you know, an argument and making up. 90 00:03:35,432 --> 00:03:37,149 There's a lot of sacrifice that comes with this. 91 00:03:37,184 --> 00:03:39,985 So he knew he wanted to get married. 92 00:03:40,020 --> 00:03:41,820 I want to just have kids. 93 00:03:41,855 --> 00:03:43,572 I figured, you know, get a good man 94 00:03:43,607 --> 00:03:45,741 because if it don't work out you have a good 95 00:03:45,776 --> 00:03:48,577 father of your child, right? 96 00:03:48,612 --> 00:03:51,163 -That's the way I started. -So, yeah, so, she used me. 97 00:03:51,198 --> 00:03:52,748 -I did, I did. -Pretty much. 98 00:03:52,783 --> 00:03:54,449 But I told him one day that I wanted it but... 99 00:03:54,501 --> 00:03:55,784 No, yeah, we discussed. 100 00:03:55,836 --> 00:03:57,419 -...I wanted a brown child... -Yeah. 101 00:03:57,454 --> 00:04:00,038 ...With, um, a... I wanted to raise black babies 102 00:04:00,073 --> 00:04:01,340 with a black man, that's what I told him. 103 00:04:01,375 --> 00:04:02,791 A strong black man, a strong... 104 00:04:02,843 --> 00:04:04,259 A strong, I'm sorry, you remember that? 105 00:04:04,295 --> 00:04:05,794 Yeah, I remember that. That was another moment, 106 00:04:05,846 --> 00:04:06,878 -it was like... -It was a moment? 107 00:04:06,913 --> 00:04:08,680 ...I heard that before. 108 00:04:08,716 --> 00:04:10,599 -Okay. All right. -Yeah. 109 00:04:10,634 --> 00:04:13,218 We started dating in '85, actually got married in '89, 110 00:04:13,253 --> 00:04:15,304 so, um, we had four years together. 111 00:04:15,356 --> 00:04:16,722 So, we were ready by that time 112 00:04:16,757 --> 00:04:18,690 we had then pursued our careers 113 00:04:18,726 --> 00:04:20,809 and had done that type of thing and so we were... 114 00:04:20,861 --> 00:04:22,694 Uh, we kind of planned it all out 115 00:04:22,730 --> 00:04:25,197 and we're ready to have, uh, children. 116 00:04:25,232 --> 00:04:28,033 So it was a very easy transition. Yeah. 117 00:04:28,068 --> 00:04:29,401 We have so many shared values. 118 00:04:29,436 --> 00:04:31,987 I grew up in a home, no father in home, 119 00:04:32,039 --> 00:04:34,406 I didn't meet my father until I was 18. 120 00:04:34,441 --> 00:04:35,824 I didn't live with my mother, 121 00:04:35,876 --> 00:04:37,876 I live with my paraplegic grandmother 122 00:04:37,911 --> 00:04:40,879 and my godmother so I had never really seen 123 00:04:40,914 --> 00:04:42,748 a healthy relationship. 124 00:04:42,783 --> 00:04:44,549 Ernest was total opposite, 125 00:04:44,585 --> 00:04:47,252 parents married for like ever, 126 00:04:47,287 --> 00:04:51,923 same household, very middle class father, 127 00:04:51,958 --> 00:04:54,676 you know, and a job for 30 plus years, 128 00:04:54,728 --> 00:04:57,145 mother works sometimes but at home a lot. 129 00:04:57,181 --> 00:04:59,431 Uh, so our backgrounds were really different 130 00:04:59,466 --> 00:05:01,650 in that regard but, I don't know, 131 00:05:01,685 --> 00:05:03,652 I always knew, uh, no matter what, 132 00:05:03,687 --> 00:05:04,820 I wanted to get married. 133 00:05:04,855 --> 00:05:06,154 My biggest thing in life 134 00:05:06,190 --> 00:05:08,273 was to have all of my kids 135 00:05:08,308 --> 00:05:10,525 by one person in one home. 136 00:05:10,577 --> 00:05:14,029 That just having grown up without that, 137 00:05:14,081 --> 00:05:16,081 that was really important to me. 138 00:05:16,116 --> 00:05:18,667 When we married, he had a daughter, 139 00:05:18,702 --> 00:05:20,502 I had a son, so we gained, 140 00:05:20,537 --> 00:05:22,037 you know, one of each. 141 00:05:22,089 --> 00:05:25,257 And, um, you know, my son was little, 142 00:05:25,292 --> 00:05:26,708 -he was like 10. -Mmm-hmm. 143 00:05:26,760 --> 00:05:28,927 And it had been he and I 144 00:05:28,962 --> 00:05:31,046 and, you know, he's a mama's baby, 145 00:05:31,098 --> 00:05:32,514 that's my boy. 146 00:05:32,549 --> 00:05:34,266 And then here comes this guy, 147 00:05:34,301 --> 00:05:36,468 like, no you need... And I'm like, 148 00:05:36,503 --> 00:05:39,521 "dude, no, don't do it." 149 00:05:39,556 --> 00:05:41,056 so... [laughs] 150 00:05:41,108 --> 00:05:44,693 so that was really an area where I said, 151 00:05:44,728 --> 00:05:47,896 "okay, this is going to be work," 152 00:05:47,948 --> 00:05:51,900 because neither one of us had a down path. 153 00:05:51,935 --> 00:05:55,070 My mother was really influential in me 154 00:05:55,122 --> 00:05:57,873 understanding, you know, the definition of love. 155 00:05:57,908 --> 00:06:01,293 My mother was a single parent for day... 156 00:06:01,328 --> 00:06:04,796 From day one and she also somehow 157 00:06:04,832 --> 00:06:06,715 figured out how to have a soft hand 158 00:06:06,750 --> 00:06:08,834 and to teach us that love was not scary. 159 00:06:08,869 --> 00:06:11,086 That being vulnerable was actually 160 00:06:11,138 --> 00:06:12,721 a sign of strength and not weakness. 161 00:06:12,756 --> 00:06:14,673 And so I try to carry that 162 00:06:14,708 --> 00:06:16,091 in my intimate relationships 163 00:06:16,143 --> 00:06:18,310 and my parenting and also in my friendships. 164 00:06:18,345 --> 00:06:20,228 Where, you know, he grew up in a household 165 00:06:20,264 --> 00:06:21,763 where his father has passed 166 00:06:21,815 --> 00:06:24,933 but his parents were married for over 55 years. 167 00:06:24,985 --> 00:06:28,236 Um, and, uh, he has, uh, a perspective 168 00:06:28,272 --> 00:06:31,523 and maybe too part of me not having... 169 00:06:31,558 --> 00:06:33,942 Never seeing that in my household, 170 00:06:33,994 --> 00:06:35,911 I also had kind of a fantasy 171 00:06:35,946 --> 00:06:37,996 about what marriage was, 172 00:06:38,031 --> 00:06:40,532 what a husband was, what it meant to be a wife. 173 00:06:40,567 --> 00:06:42,534 I didn't know what that really meant, 174 00:06:42,569 --> 00:06:44,536 like walking that out every day. 175 00:06:44,571 --> 00:06:47,005 Oh, I've learned, um, [laughs] 176 00:06:47,040 --> 00:06:50,258 I've learned, um, but he came into it 177 00:06:50,294 --> 00:06:52,544 with a very different kind of understanding 178 00:06:52,579 --> 00:06:54,679 of how couples work. 179 00:06:54,715 --> 00:06:56,298 At the beginning of our relationship, 180 00:06:56,350 --> 00:06:58,049 we always talked about how important it was for us 181 00:06:58,084 --> 00:07:03,138 to have an amazing black son. 182 00:07:03,190 --> 00:07:05,056 And we thought like it is our obligation 183 00:07:05,091 --> 00:07:08,560 to help mold, 184 00:07:08,595 --> 00:07:12,030 uh, this amazing black human. 185 00:07:12,065 --> 00:07:14,032 Because, you know, it's a... 186 00:07:14,067 --> 00:07:16,284 Here's an opportunity to shine a light on someone 187 00:07:16,320 --> 00:07:18,787 who has always been told they don't have the light, 188 00:07:18,822 --> 00:07:20,455 they don't have these opportunities. 189 00:07:20,491 --> 00:07:22,791 But we're here to tell him that, like, 190 00:07:22,826 --> 00:07:25,210 it's all a lie, that's all false, 191 00:07:25,245 --> 00:07:27,162 it's all false, and here are the possibilities 192 00:07:27,214 --> 00:07:28,580 right in front of you. And then we're here 193 00:07:28,615 --> 00:07:30,215 to show you look how you soar. 194 00:07:30,250 --> 00:07:31,800 So that's what we wanna give 195 00:07:31,835 --> 00:07:36,805 to this amazing little brown nugget. 196 00:07:36,840 --> 00:07:39,508 Yeah, so, that's the long way 197 00:07:39,560 --> 00:07:42,093 -of saying we're gonna have a boy. -Yeah. 198 00:07:42,128 --> 00:07:44,596 -We got married October... -October. 199 00:07:44,631 --> 00:07:47,983 ...Of '91 and then three months after that, 200 00:07:48,018 --> 00:07:50,602 um, I was pregnant with our first child. 201 00:07:50,637 --> 00:07:53,188 So we were really... Uh, it was this... It was a... 202 00:07:53,240 --> 00:07:57,609 It was a whirlwind of possibilities, 203 00:07:57,644 --> 00:08:00,111 a legacy for us. We were young 204 00:08:00,146 --> 00:08:01,613 and that's how we were talking. 205 00:08:01,648 --> 00:08:03,532 -Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm. -It was like, this is us, 206 00:08:03,584 --> 00:08:06,668 this is our chance to make right... 207 00:08:06,703 --> 00:08:08,670 -Yeah, 20s. -...All the wrong 208 00:08:08,705 --> 00:08:10,505 that had been done to us in our life 209 00:08:10,541 --> 00:08:13,625 or what we had to experience as children. 210 00:08:13,660 --> 00:08:16,411 Um, we get to start our life 211 00:08:16,446 --> 00:08:19,881 and we get to kind of do it our way. 212 00:08:19,917 --> 00:08:22,767 So, although I was divorced, 213 00:08:22,803 --> 00:08:25,937 uh, I hadn't really broken everything off, 214 00:08:25,973 --> 00:08:27,939 I hadn't set boundaries. 215 00:08:27,975 --> 00:08:29,975 So, uh, 216 00:08:30,010 --> 00:08:35,030 there was a text and erica said, 217 00:08:35,065 --> 00:08:39,034 "listen, you need to make a choice, okay? 218 00:08:39,069 --> 00:08:42,954 Um, you can have what's outside of this house 219 00:08:42,990 --> 00:08:46,575 or you can, uh, do what need to be done 220 00:08:46,627 --> 00:08:48,460 so that we can be together." 221 00:08:48,495 --> 00:08:50,579 she's like, "I'm... Uh, I'm not desperate 222 00:08:50,631 --> 00:08:52,664 and I'm not begging nobody." 223 00:08:52,699 --> 00:08:54,883 uh, there were tears coming out of her eyes 224 00:08:54,918 --> 00:08:58,670 and that hurt me to see her 225 00:08:58,705 --> 00:09:01,506 in that state of mind because, you know, 226 00:09:01,541 --> 00:09:03,508 I wanted her but I didn't know 227 00:09:03,543 --> 00:09:06,678 how to have a relationship with my daughter, 228 00:09:06,713 --> 00:09:11,566 um, and she was like, uh, "I'll help you all 229 00:09:11,602 --> 00:09:14,402 through that, you know, but, you know, 230 00:09:14,438 --> 00:09:18,189 you can't have your feet in two separate places." 231 00:09:18,224 --> 00:09:21,076 and, you know, I just, uh, 232 00:09:21,111 --> 00:09:23,078 "took the leap of faith" that, you know, 233 00:09:23,113 --> 00:09:25,614 because I believe that god brought her 234 00:09:25,666 --> 00:09:28,283 so I did what I needed to do 235 00:09:28,335 --> 00:09:30,368 and I've never looked back since then. 236 00:09:30,403 --> 00:09:32,504 One time when she and I were on the phone, 237 00:09:32,539 --> 00:09:34,923 I was using colorful language, she was like, 238 00:09:34,958 --> 00:09:36,625 "you talk like that in front of your daughter?" 239 00:09:36,677 --> 00:09:39,961 and I'm like, "uh, yeah." 240 00:09:40,013 --> 00:09:41,846 and she was like, "you do realize 241 00:09:41,882 --> 00:09:43,632 if you talk like that to her, 242 00:09:43,684 --> 00:09:45,050 she'll get so used to it 243 00:09:45,085 --> 00:09:46,851 and if a man talks like that to her 244 00:09:46,887 --> 00:09:48,520 who's not her father, 245 00:09:48,555 --> 00:09:49,938 it won't mean anything, 246 00:09:49,973 --> 00:09:51,439 you know, she'll be used to it." 247 00:09:51,475 --> 00:09:54,526 so I was like, "oh." so, I stopped that 248 00:09:54,561 --> 00:09:56,811 and when I stopped that, like, in the beginning, 249 00:09:56,863 --> 00:09:58,980 -because my daughter was... 250 00:09:59,032 --> 00:10:00,148 -Fifteen. -...Fifteen? 251 00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:01,483 -Mmm-hmm. -And she was like, 252 00:10:01,535 --> 00:10:03,535 "oh, so, now you're dr. Phil-ing me." 253 00:10:03,570 --> 00:10:06,655 you know, I'm like, "hey, you need to understand 254 00:10:06,707 --> 00:10:08,540 you're a queen and the way... 255 00:10:08,575 --> 00:10:10,408 The mistakes that I have made in the beginning, 256 00:10:10,443 --> 00:10:13,495 I'm sorry, you know, uh, I-I-I-I love you," 257 00:10:13,547 --> 00:10:14,746 this and that and other things. 258 00:10:14,781 --> 00:10:17,215 So, you know, that was a change. 259 00:10:17,250 --> 00:10:21,670 We went and did the infertility like diagnostic 260 00:10:21,722 --> 00:10:25,807 and we found out that, um, I had uterine cancer. 261 00:10:25,842 --> 00:10:28,910 And so that was like another big blow. 262 00:10:30,647 --> 00:10:32,230 We had discussed obviously having a family and, uh... 263 00:10:32,265 --> 00:10:34,699 Having a family came first because of the time. 264 00:10:34,735 --> 00:10:36,234 -Well... -I guess we were just like, 265 00:10:36,269 --> 00:10:37,452 "yeah, let's, you know, let's go for it." 266 00:10:37,487 --> 00:10:38,486 well, we stopped, let's be... Let me just be real, honey, 267 00:10:38,538 --> 00:10:40,739 we stopped using protection, that's number one. 268 00:10:40,774 --> 00:10:42,824 -I mean, I get that. -Right, that's... 269 00:10:42,876 --> 00:10:44,459 But when you stop using protection, 270 00:10:44,494 --> 00:10:46,328 -I think the converse... -That's how to have kids. 271 00:10:46,380 --> 00:10:47,746 But I'm saying that's when we decided, 272 00:10:47,781 --> 00:10:50,048 like, we're okay if we get pregnant. 273 00:10:50,083 --> 00:10:52,000 Um, and because we're okay if we get pregnant 274 00:10:52,052 --> 00:10:53,918 meant that we're okay if we do this thing together 275 00:10:53,953 --> 00:10:55,086 because we're engaged and if it happens before... 276 00:10:55,121 --> 00:10:56,504 Yeah, I was... I mean, when I proposed to her, 277 00:10:56,556 --> 00:10:58,223 I was like, "yo, this is it." you know what I'm saying? 278 00:10:58,258 --> 00:10:59,808 You don't propose to somebody you think 279 00:10:59,843 --> 00:11:01,810 you just about to be with for a few, you know... 280 00:11:01,845 --> 00:11:03,094 You know, a few moments here and there, 281 00:11:03,129 --> 00:11:04,062 like, yo, this is it. 282 00:11:04,097 --> 00:11:05,430 So, um... 283 00:11:05,465 --> 00:11:07,315 So it was okay that, you know, 284 00:11:07,351 --> 00:11:09,017 -we, you know... -Yes. 285 00:11:09,069 --> 00:11:10,685 -And I was in, I was... -...Don't do this in the order 286 00:11:10,737 --> 00:11:12,237 that most people do it, you know what I'm saying? 287 00:11:12,272 --> 00:11:15,106 Let's start a family so, and... 288 00:11:15,141 --> 00:11:16,991 -I would... -And that we have learned 289 00:11:17,027 --> 00:11:19,194 a lot about fertility. 290 00:11:19,246 --> 00:11:22,197 We always knew that we wanted to be parents. 291 00:11:22,249 --> 00:11:23,998 -Right. -We always knew 292 00:11:24,034 --> 00:11:26,501 that that was part of... 293 00:11:26,536 --> 00:11:28,503 That was gonna be part of the picture 294 00:11:28,538 --> 00:11:30,588 that we decided to paint. 295 00:11:30,624 --> 00:11:32,674 It just got really tricky when it... 296 00:11:32,709 --> 00:11:34,209 When it came to timing. 297 00:11:34,261 --> 00:11:37,879 Because there was a point in time where, like, 298 00:11:37,931 --> 00:11:40,265 adair's business is really busy 299 00:11:40,300 --> 00:11:42,300 and then there's the moments where mine aren't. 300 00:11:42,335 --> 00:11:45,136 And then there... Then just, you know, this... 301 00:11:45,171 --> 00:11:46,604 The past two years, 302 00:11:46,640 --> 00:11:49,307 both of our business at the exact same time 303 00:11:49,342 --> 00:11:51,142 is soaring. 304 00:11:51,177 --> 00:11:53,695 And for adair, adair is very much 305 00:11:53,730 --> 00:11:55,530 kind of like, 306 00:11:55,565 --> 00:11:57,649 "it's fine, it's fine." 307 00:11:57,684 --> 00:12:00,652 I'm the one on the other end just kind of thinking, 308 00:12:00,687 --> 00:12:02,454 trying to be the ultimate parent, 309 00:12:02,489 --> 00:12:05,957 like I wanna make sure that I'm available, 310 00:12:05,992 --> 00:12:07,409 my child sees me, 311 00:12:07,461 --> 00:12:10,078 my child feels me, my child hears me. 312 00:12:10,130 --> 00:12:12,213 But I was so concerned 313 00:12:12,249 --> 00:12:14,916 because I'm all over the planet. 314 00:12:14,968 --> 00:12:17,552 And that became, uh, 315 00:12:17,587 --> 00:12:21,423 a really, really tough conversation time 316 00:12:21,475 --> 00:12:23,007 all the time and adair got to a point 317 00:12:23,042 --> 00:12:24,559 where he was just like, 318 00:12:24,594 --> 00:12:26,428 "well, look, I mean, 319 00:12:26,480 --> 00:12:28,480 you said we're gonna do this and now is the time." 320 00:12:28,515 --> 00:12:30,315 I mean, we're lucky to be in a situation 321 00:12:30,350 --> 00:12:32,734 where, like, we're doing a surrogate situation 322 00:12:32,769 --> 00:12:35,737 so we have the opportunity to kind of time things. 323 00:12:35,772 --> 00:12:37,322 I was using that to my advantage, I was like, 324 00:12:37,357 --> 00:12:38,523 "oh, I could just wait. 325 00:12:38,558 --> 00:12:39,574 Oh, wait, hold on, 326 00:12:39,609 --> 00:12:40,608 just joking, 327 00:12:40,660 --> 00:12:41,993 not going to doctor this week. 328 00:12:42,028 --> 00:12:43,912 Put something on my calendar." 329 00:12:43,947 --> 00:12:45,914 like I was just... So I had the opportunity 330 00:12:45,949 --> 00:12:47,449 to do all of that and then when adair got... 331 00:12:47,501 --> 00:12:49,200 Kind of hit the game and that he was like, 332 00:12:49,235 --> 00:12:51,619 "oh, I see what you're doing." 333 00:12:51,671 --> 00:12:54,672 I was accustomed to just being us. 334 00:12:54,708 --> 00:12:56,541 -And then... [clears throat] -well, not long. 335 00:12:56,576 --> 00:12:57,842 ...Not long after that, 336 00:12:57,878 --> 00:13:01,012 now we have a child 337 00:13:01,047 --> 00:13:02,380 that is coming. 338 00:13:04,217 --> 00:13:06,851 I had to mentally adjust. 339 00:13:06,887 --> 00:13:09,103 I had to mentally adjust because it's something 340 00:13:09,139 --> 00:13:12,023 that I wasn't planning. 341 00:13:12,058 --> 00:13:14,442 -Right. -And I don't wanna say my... 342 00:13:14,478 --> 00:13:16,694 The nicknames that I have for my children. 343 00:13:16,730 --> 00:13:18,696 I'm gonna tell you, he calls my kids, 344 00:13:18,732 --> 00:13:20,315 oops, darn, and, oh, well. 345 00:13:20,367 --> 00:13:22,183 That's what he used to call my kids. 346 00:13:22,219 --> 00:13:24,018 [keith] that's how you got... Yeah, okay. 347 00:13:24,054 --> 00:13:25,386 And it was literally... 348 00:13:25,422 --> 00:13:28,039 He was not excited, each one of them, 349 00:13:28,074 --> 00:13:31,292 he was not excited and so I got over the fact 350 00:13:31,328 --> 00:13:32,877 that he's... You know, I just told him, 351 00:13:32,913 --> 00:13:33,962 you know, after. 352 00:13:33,997 --> 00:13:35,747 Because what was kind of shocking 353 00:13:35,782 --> 00:13:37,799 is so we had our son... 354 00:13:37,834 --> 00:13:39,501 -Mmm-hmm. -...And then, um, 355 00:13:39,553 --> 00:13:42,003 I'm finishing up nursing school, 356 00:13:42,055 --> 00:13:43,555 so I think, but I have to have my son 357 00:13:43,590 --> 00:13:45,006 so I have to stop, and then I'm back 358 00:13:45,058 --> 00:13:46,257 -in nursing school... -Mmm-hmm. 359 00:13:46,292 --> 00:13:48,393 ...And I get pregnant again 360 00:13:48,428 --> 00:13:50,812 and my son is only six months old. 361 00:13:50,847 --> 00:13:52,847 -[keith] mmm-hmm. -[dretona] so now... 362 00:13:52,899 --> 00:13:54,482 -[keith] mmm-hmm. -[dretona] ...We are onto 363 00:13:54,518 --> 00:13:55,733 baby number two. 364 00:13:55,769 --> 00:13:56,651 Can you see the stress? 365 00:13:56,686 --> 00:13:58,186 [laughs] 366 00:13:58,238 --> 00:14:01,489 it wasn't until something clicked 367 00:14:01,525 --> 00:14:04,025 like a month after we were married 368 00:14:04,077 --> 00:14:05,693 and I can't remember what it was, 369 00:14:05,745 --> 00:14:08,162 but I remember looking at him and going, 370 00:14:08,198 --> 00:14:10,582 "I wanna see what a little me and a little him looks like." 371 00:14:10,617 --> 00:14:12,700 like I want... I want to... I wt that. 372 00:14:12,752 --> 00:14:14,702 And it was the first time I was, like, 373 00:14:14,754 --> 00:14:16,170 courageous enough to, like, 374 00:14:16,206 --> 00:14:19,123 look into what was going on with me. 375 00:14:19,158 --> 00:14:21,459 We went and did the infertility, 376 00:14:21,494 --> 00:14:23,378 like, diagnostic 377 00:14:23,430 --> 00:14:26,264 and we found out that, um, 378 00:14:26,299 --> 00:14:27,632 I had uterine cancer 379 00:14:27,667 --> 00:14:30,602 and so that was like another big blow. 380 00:14:30,637 --> 00:14:32,637 One, we didn't know if we could have a baby. 381 00:14:32,672 --> 00:14:34,606 So we had to talk about ways to treat 382 00:14:34,641 --> 00:14:37,058 that would save our fertility issues 383 00:14:37,110 --> 00:14:38,893 or our fertility options 384 00:14:38,945 --> 00:14:41,062 and so at the time, 385 00:14:41,114 --> 00:14:43,364 I was also 321 pounds. 386 00:14:43,400 --> 00:14:46,618 And so we went to a fertility clinic, um, 387 00:14:46,653 --> 00:14:49,571 we got through treating hormonally 388 00:14:49,623 --> 00:14:52,457 so that allowed us to go around 389 00:14:52,492 --> 00:14:54,459 taking my uterus out. 390 00:14:54,494 --> 00:14:57,462 Um, and the first infertility clinic we got to 391 00:14:57,497 --> 00:14:59,047 once I was in for remission, 392 00:14:59,082 --> 00:15:00,548 they just went for it. 393 00:15:00,584 --> 00:15:02,417 So they were like, "we'll see what happens." 394 00:15:02,469 --> 00:15:05,303 you know, and we got pregnant the first round 395 00:15:05,338 --> 00:15:08,339 and we've lost that baby at six weeks. 396 00:15:08,374 --> 00:15:10,842 And I think it was a large part 397 00:15:10,877 --> 00:15:13,227 due to my weight and just like the environment. 398 00:15:13,263 --> 00:15:14,896 And they said that, you know, 399 00:15:14,931 --> 00:15:16,431 it's an abnormal embryo. 400 00:15:16,483 --> 00:15:18,650 Um, but I think as a woman, 401 00:15:18,685 --> 00:15:21,519 we always find ways to blame ourselves for things. 402 00:15:21,554 --> 00:15:23,938 I dropped to my knees, um, well, 403 00:15:23,990 --> 00:15:26,858 he probably didn't know that, but, um, 404 00:15:26,893 --> 00:15:28,409 gosh, I'm getting emotional. 405 00:15:28,445 --> 00:15:30,278 But, um, I dropped to my knees 406 00:15:30,330 --> 00:15:33,865 because in that moment I realized that, um, 407 00:15:33,900 --> 00:15:35,500 this may not happen for me. 408 00:15:36,653 --> 00:15:37,785 I came from a single-parent household, 409 00:15:37,820 --> 00:15:39,621 which meant, uh, you know, 410 00:15:39,656 --> 00:15:42,457 my mother raised us "successfully". 411 00:15:42,492 --> 00:15:44,208 She has three successful children, 412 00:15:44,260 --> 00:15:45,960 college-educated, all that good stuff, 413 00:15:45,995 --> 00:15:48,630 and we love each other, like we're close. 414 00:15:48,665 --> 00:15:51,299 So she did a pretty good job, decent job, 415 00:15:51,334 --> 00:15:54,852 um, by herself, which taught me 416 00:15:54,888 --> 00:15:56,721 that you do it by yourself. 417 00:15:56,773 --> 00:15:59,357 So to see a man discipline 418 00:15:59,392 --> 00:16:03,111 or to hear a man raise his voice at a child, 419 00:16:03,146 --> 00:16:04,862 I was like, "oh, no. 420 00:16:04,898 --> 00:16:07,031 Oh, oh, wait, wait." 421 00:16:07,067 --> 00:16:09,450 like, I can raise my voice and tell them 422 00:16:09,486 --> 00:16:11,035 to sit down and stop it. 423 00:16:11,071 --> 00:16:13,071 But to hear him, I didn't know... 424 00:16:13,123 --> 00:16:16,240 I had no way to process that 425 00:16:16,292 --> 00:16:18,209 or to... I didn't know what to do. 426 00:16:18,244 --> 00:16:20,378 So then I'm like, "you can't do that." 427 00:16:20,413 --> 00:16:22,747 he's like, "I can't tell the kids what to do?" 428 00:16:22,799 --> 00:16:23,915 "no." 429 00:16:23,967 --> 00:16:25,133 does that work, right? 430 00:16:25,168 --> 00:16:27,752 So I had to figure out like, 431 00:16:27,804 --> 00:16:30,088 "okay, that's my stuff." 432 00:16:30,140 --> 00:16:31,839 we had to learn how to develop 433 00:16:31,874 --> 00:16:33,975 our own parenting style, our own... 434 00:16:34,010 --> 00:16:35,593 -Mmm-hmm. -...Co-parenting style. 435 00:16:35,645 --> 00:16:37,729 We had to learn how to respond 436 00:16:37,764 --> 00:16:41,399 and not react and talk about a united front. 437 00:16:41,434 --> 00:16:43,685 Ernest is like the best dad 438 00:16:43,720 --> 00:16:45,486 literally on the planet 439 00:16:45,522 --> 00:16:48,156 because he was never one of those guys 440 00:16:48,191 --> 00:16:50,408 that felt like you're the mother, 441 00:16:50,443 --> 00:16:51,609 you're responsible. 442 00:16:51,661 --> 00:16:54,245 I was weird hours, out a lot, 443 00:16:54,280 --> 00:16:57,365 ernest was the one that was definitely more of... 444 00:16:57,400 --> 00:16:59,951 Not mr. Mom because he worked a full-time job too. 445 00:17:00,003 --> 00:17:03,454 But more of the "traditional" 446 00:17:03,506 --> 00:17:05,339 parenting roles, I would say, 447 00:17:05,375 --> 00:17:08,509 he assumed who was going to do what with our kids 448 00:17:08,545 --> 00:17:10,878 was never really an issue. 449 00:17:10,913 --> 00:17:13,931 Our son marty, our youngest son, uh, has... 450 00:17:13,967 --> 00:17:16,634 Uh, was born and then shortly after his birth, 451 00:17:16,686 --> 00:17:17,769 at about two years, 452 00:17:17,804 --> 00:17:19,854 he was diagnosed with autism. 453 00:17:19,889 --> 00:17:22,106 Our daughter, six months after she was born, 454 00:17:22,142 --> 00:17:24,859 was diagnosed with this disorder, 455 00:17:24,894 --> 00:17:26,310 condition called neurofibromatosis... 456 00:17:26,362 --> 00:17:28,312 -Right. -...Where she just started 457 00:17:28,364 --> 00:17:30,865 growing tumors like all over her body. 458 00:17:30,900 --> 00:17:33,901 -Mmm-hmm. -And we were in total shock. 459 00:17:33,936 --> 00:17:35,953 There was a point where you didn't think 460 00:17:35,989 --> 00:17:37,622 of future anymore. 461 00:17:37,657 --> 00:17:39,490 You know what I'm saying? It wasn't like, "okay. 462 00:17:39,542 --> 00:17:41,492 We're thinking of goals." 463 00:17:41,544 --> 00:17:43,127 and, you know, when we first got married, 464 00:17:43,163 --> 00:17:45,830 it was all about years down the line. 465 00:17:45,882 --> 00:17:48,883 Now, it's like right now, like how are we gonna... 466 00:17:48,918 --> 00:17:50,885 -Right. -...Make it right now 467 00:17:50,920 --> 00:17:52,470 because this is a lot. 468 00:17:52,505 --> 00:17:55,256 This is a lot to now have to deal with. 469 00:17:55,291 --> 00:17:56,808 -And, um... -Right. 470 00:17:56,843 --> 00:17:58,810 ...Back and forth to doctor's appointments 471 00:17:58,845 --> 00:18:00,845 and not knowing 472 00:18:00,897 --> 00:18:02,680 what's gonna happen with our daughter. 473 00:18:02,732 --> 00:18:05,566 And, um, he's having to work, 474 00:18:05,602 --> 00:18:08,319 I was now a new nurse. 475 00:18:08,354 --> 00:18:10,605 And so, you know, 476 00:18:10,640 --> 00:18:12,940 my dream was to be a nurse, right? 477 00:18:12,975 --> 00:18:15,276 So I'm supposed to start my career. 478 00:18:15,311 --> 00:18:18,412 And my career really can't start 479 00:18:18,448 --> 00:18:21,999 because I now have to nurture 480 00:18:22,035 --> 00:18:23,618 and take care of a child 481 00:18:23,653 --> 00:18:26,204 that is diagnosed with, um, 482 00:18:26,256 --> 00:18:27,839 an incurable condition, 483 00:18:27,874 --> 00:18:31,092 and so it was just work. 484 00:18:31,127 --> 00:18:33,377 So I ended up having weight loss surgery. 485 00:18:33,429 --> 00:18:35,213 So they took eighty percent of my stomach 486 00:18:35,265 --> 00:18:38,800 and I lost a hundred and five pounds 487 00:18:38,835 --> 00:18:40,635 and we went back. 488 00:18:40,670 --> 00:18:42,186 So before that, we had done a retrieval 489 00:18:42,222 --> 00:18:43,271 and gotten eight eggs. 490 00:18:43,306 --> 00:18:45,606 After the weight loss surgery, 491 00:18:45,642 --> 00:18:47,058 we got 28 eggs. 492 00:18:47,110 --> 00:18:48,693 So it clearly made a difference. 493 00:18:48,728 --> 00:18:51,229 And it was our last, 494 00:18:51,281 --> 00:18:54,232 kind of, hoorah and, um, 495 00:18:54,284 --> 00:18:55,650 it didn't work. 496 00:18:55,685 --> 00:18:57,368 And I don't know, 497 00:18:57,403 --> 00:18:58,820 I was just broken, you know. 498 00:18:58,855 --> 00:19:00,738 You feel like I'm going through this thing 499 00:19:00,790 --> 00:19:02,657 that my body is made to do and I can't do it, 500 00:19:02,692 --> 00:19:04,709 even with assistance, I can't do it. 501 00:19:04,744 --> 00:19:07,461 And we've decided now 502 00:19:07,497 --> 00:19:08,963 that we want a child and so now, 503 00:19:08,998 --> 00:19:10,715 it becomes I can't give him this child. 504 00:19:10,750 --> 00:19:13,050 Um, so he just, kind of, like, 505 00:19:13,086 --> 00:19:14,502 stopped me and he was just like, 506 00:19:14,537 --> 00:19:17,088 "okay, what are the next steps?" 507 00:19:17,140 --> 00:19:18,422 we were just, like, we're gonna throw 508 00:19:18,474 --> 00:19:20,424 everything we got at this last try. 509 00:19:20,476 --> 00:19:22,176 -And that wasn't cheap. -That's a lot of money. 510 00:19:22,211 --> 00:19:23,477 -It was like, what, 15? -Yeah. 511 00:19:23,513 --> 00:19:24,812 -It was like 16 grand. -Like 15? Yeah. 512 00:19:24,848 --> 00:19:27,682 So he busted his butt 513 00:19:27,717 --> 00:19:30,434 to get the money to do this last cycle 514 00:19:30,486 --> 00:19:32,153 that we had to pay out of pocket for 515 00:19:32,188 --> 00:19:35,139 and that's when it really hit me 516 00:19:35,175 --> 00:19:36,807 that, like, there's so many men out here 517 00:19:36,843 --> 00:19:39,160 who are like complaining about child support 518 00:19:39,195 --> 00:19:40,194 and this and dah, dah, dah, dah. 519 00:19:40,229 --> 00:19:41,612 And this man loved me enough 520 00:19:41,664 --> 00:19:44,198 to pay to have a child with me 521 00:19:44,233 --> 00:19:46,200 and to show me that he valued 522 00:19:46,235 --> 00:19:47,702 like us having a family 523 00:19:47,737 --> 00:19:50,087 and like it was that important to him. 524 00:19:50,123 --> 00:19:52,373 Um, it was huge for me. 525 00:19:52,408 --> 00:19:54,675 There was two people that shifted that for me. 526 00:19:54,711 --> 00:19:56,344 One was adair 527 00:19:56,379 --> 00:19:59,547 because I saw how it really bothered 528 00:19:59,582 --> 00:20:02,216 and actually hurt him because we were very clear... 529 00:20:02,251 --> 00:20:04,969 We're very clear on everything and we're best friends, 530 00:20:05,021 --> 00:20:06,604 we talk about everything. 531 00:20:06,639 --> 00:20:08,689 So when I realized and I saw the emotion 532 00:20:08,725 --> 00:20:10,558 and how that was actually screwing with him, 533 00:20:10,593 --> 00:20:12,610 it didn't make me feel good. 534 00:20:12,645 --> 00:20:14,528 But then our... 535 00:20:14,564 --> 00:20:17,481 One of our best friends, who are actually a couple, 536 00:20:17,533 --> 00:20:19,450 they were like, "come on, jason. 537 00:20:19,485 --> 00:20:22,203 You're gonna... You're gonna be such a great father." 538 00:20:22,238 --> 00:20:24,322 and this is... They were saying that to us, 539 00:20:24,374 --> 00:20:25,656 to me over dinner 540 00:20:25,708 --> 00:20:28,492 and it took someone on the outside 541 00:20:28,544 --> 00:20:30,211 who is also very close to us 542 00:20:30,246 --> 00:20:32,630 and actually went through surrogacy as well 543 00:20:32,665 --> 00:20:34,548 to say something like that. 544 00:20:34,584 --> 00:20:37,919 That's what, kind of, triggered me to do it. 545 00:20:37,954 --> 00:20:39,720 I want to get my follicles checked 546 00:20:39,756 --> 00:20:41,005 because that's where you figure out 547 00:20:41,057 --> 00:20:42,807 how fertile you are, 548 00:20:42,842 --> 00:20:45,092 but they took a blood test first. 549 00:20:45,127 --> 00:20:46,928 When my blood test came back, they said, 550 00:20:46,963 --> 00:20:48,846 "dr. Haken would like to talk to you about your results." 551 00:20:48,898 --> 00:20:50,231 that's never good. 552 00:20:50,266 --> 00:20:53,234 Went in, he said, "you have, for your age, 553 00:20:53,269 --> 00:20:57,071 ovarian aging and that means that your, um, egg... 554 00:20:57,106 --> 00:21:00,775 Your egg count and your reserve is five to... 555 00:21:00,810 --> 00:21:02,243 Five years or more older than you. 556 00:21:02,278 --> 00:21:04,028 Your chances of getting pregnant on your own 557 00:21:04,080 --> 00:21:06,781 could be very slim, but that's what ivf is for. 558 00:21:06,816 --> 00:21:08,366 Let's go check and see." 559 00:21:08,418 --> 00:21:10,952 so at that point I started crying in the office, 560 00:21:10,987 --> 00:21:12,536 I was like, "can you give me a minute?" 561 00:21:12,588 --> 00:21:15,373 I went to the bathroom and I dropped to my knees. 562 00:21:15,425 --> 00:21:19,593 Um, well, he probably didn't know that but, um, 563 00:21:19,629 --> 00:21:20,845 gosh, I'm getting emotional. 564 00:21:20,880 --> 00:21:22,930 But, um, I dropped to my knees 565 00:21:22,966 --> 00:21:26,384 because in that moment I realized that, um, 566 00:21:26,436 --> 00:21:27,952 this may not happen for me. 567 00:21:29,272 --> 00:21:31,739 I come out the bathroom and get it together. 568 00:21:31,774 --> 00:21:33,607 I love to say, "get it together, kita." 569 00:21:33,642 --> 00:21:35,242 so I get it together and I'm like 570 00:21:35,278 --> 00:21:37,028 whatever news he's gonna tell me from this ultrasound, 571 00:21:37,080 --> 00:21:38,946 he said, "I'll be able to see exactly 572 00:21:38,981 --> 00:21:41,699 how old your egg count really is. 573 00:21:41,751 --> 00:21:44,368 If it's 40, if it's 45, or whatever." 574 00:21:44,420 --> 00:21:46,671 so we go in and we do the ultrasound 575 00:21:46,706 --> 00:21:48,456 and when they do it on you in an ultrasound, 576 00:21:48,491 --> 00:21:50,041 it's the same thing they do when you're pregnant. 577 00:21:50,093 --> 00:21:51,175 They go in, they put the wand, 578 00:21:51,210 --> 00:21:52,460 I call her wanda 579 00:21:52,495 --> 00:21:54,211 because I've seen wanda a lot. 580 00:21:54,263 --> 00:21:56,597 So they took wanda, he goes he's in, 581 00:21:56,632 --> 00:21:58,299 and he's like, "hmm. 582 00:21:58,334 --> 00:22:01,719 Hmm. Hmm." 583 00:22:01,771 --> 00:22:03,104 and I'm just like, "what? 584 00:22:03,139 --> 00:22:04,972 That's not good. He's like humming me." 585 00:22:05,007 --> 00:22:06,974 "well, I'll give you the not so good news. 586 00:22:07,009 --> 00:22:08,642 You know what I mean? The not so good news 587 00:22:08,677 --> 00:22:11,028 is you have fibroids. 588 00:22:11,064 --> 00:22:12,396 And it's a huge fibroid. 589 00:22:12,448 --> 00:22:14,265 You have to have surgery immediately. 590 00:22:14,300 --> 00:22:16,534 The good news is that, actually, 591 00:22:16,569 --> 00:22:19,537 you don't have a severe case of ovarian aging. 592 00:22:19,572 --> 00:22:21,539 What you do have is the fact that 593 00:22:21,574 --> 00:22:25,076 your fibroid is sucking up out everything 594 00:22:25,128 --> 00:22:27,044 and what it does is..." he said my fibroid 595 00:22:27,080 --> 00:22:29,330 was about as big as a small grape fruit. 596 00:22:29,365 --> 00:22:31,332 And because I'm small, that meant that 597 00:22:31,367 --> 00:22:32,633 even if I were to get pregnant, 598 00:22:32,668 --> 00:22:34,752 I would miscarry every single time. 599 00:22:34,804 --> 00:22:36,887 When I first... Finally got my first job 600 00:22:36,923 --> 00:22:39,640 it was like, "okay. I'm going to work." 601 00:22:39,675 --> 00:22:41,759 you know, "you're at home with the babies." 602 00:22:41,811 --> 00:22:43,477 and then, you know, it was back and forth. 603 00:22:43,513 --> 00:22:45,312 When she gets off then I go to work 604 00:22:45,348 --> 00:22:46,647 -and it's like... -Tag, you're it. 605 00:22:46,682 --> 00:22:49,233 -We did what we had to do. -Mmm-hmm. 606 00:22:49,268 --> 00:22:51,435 Though we, kind of, came and went. 607 00:22:51,487 --> 00:22:53,938 It's like survival mode. Yeah. 608 00:22:53,990 --> 00:22:56,190 Because our primary focus at that time 609 00:22:56,225 --> 00:22:58,576 -was our children. -Yeah. 610 00:22:58,611 --> 00:23:02,580 And especially with the one who had a disease. 611 00:23:02,615 --> 00:23:04,248 You know, in the back of your mind, 612 00:23:04,283 --> 00:23:06,917 you're dealing with like, "who gave it to her?" 613 00:23:06,953 --> 00:23:08,702 you know what I'm saying? It's that type of thing 614 00:23:08,737 --> 00:23:11,122 and it's really crazy. It's like, how... 615 00:23:11,174 --> 00:23:12,873 Should we have gotten genetic testing 616 00:23:12,908 --> 00:23:14,258 before we got married? 617 00:23:14,293 --> 00:23:16,377 And maybe we don't have good genes. 618 00:23:16,412 --> 00:23:17,628 You know? And then they said, 619 00:23:17,680 --> 00:23:19,764 "don't have another kid because that kid 620 00:23:19,799 --> 00:23:21,265 -could have been worse." -if you do... Right. 621 00:23:21,300 --> 00:23:23,134 And then we get pregnant with our third. 622 00:23:23,186 --> 00:23:26,187 [laughs] 623 00:23:27,390 --> 00:23:29,140 -ah. -And she doesn't have... 624 00:23:29,192 --> 00:23:31,725 -She... No. She did not. -...A trace. 625 00:23:31,760 --> 00:23:33,527 That's right. So we found out later 626 00:23:33,563 --> 00:23:37,314 that my middle, um, vial daughter was a... 627 00:23:37,366 --> 00:23:39,283 It was a spontaneous mutation. 628 00:23:39,318 --> 00:23:42,570 And so, that was it but, um, you know, 629 00:23:42,605 --> 00:23:44,488 she dealt with her condition just lifelong. 630 00:23:44,540 --> 00:23:46,624 So our early years 631 00:23:46,659 --> 00:23:49,710 -in our marriage was tough. -Yeah. 632 00:23:49,745 --> 00:23:52,379 The day we got our son's autism diagnosis 633 00:23:52,415 --> 00:23:55,382 was just probably one of the hardest days 634 00:23:55,418 --> 00:23:57,885 in my life. I just remember 635 00:23:57,920 --> 00:24:00,304 we went out to our car 636 00:24:00,339 --> 00:24:03,140 and we just stood there 637 00:24:03,176 --> 00:24:06,427 and we both just cried. 638 00:24:06,462 --> 00:24:09,763 We were just devastated... 639 00:24:09,798 --> 00:24:12,149 I mean, we had two daughters that we were all so excited. 640 00:24:12,185 --> 00:24:14,819 This is ernest iii. 641 00:24:14,854 --> 00:24:16,987 No, we didn't know much about autism, 642 00:24:17,023 --> 00:24:17,988 how are we... I don't even know 643 00:24:18,024 --> 00:24:19,607 if we do anything about it. 644 00:24:19,642 --> 00:24:24,528 Uh, and it was... It was just a really, 645 00:24:24,580 --> 00:24:27,948 kind of, gut-wrenching 646 00:24:27,983 --> 00:24:30,034 thing to hear. 647 00:24:30,086 --> 00:24:32,586 Uh... 648 00:24:32,622 --> 00:24:34,622 And we right then jumped in, took about our horns 649 00:24:34,657 --> 00:24:37,007 and, um, just studied 650 00:24:37,043 --> 00:24:39,126 and just took it to another whole level. 651 00:24:39,161 --> 00:24:41,545 Big thing that I credit her for was getting in there 652 00:24:41,597 --> 00:24:44,348 and figuring out, uh, how to get him some assistance 653 00:24:44,383 --> 00:24:45,549 early on, early intervention, 654 00:24:45,601 --> 00:24:46,934 and that's been really critical 655 00:24:46,969 --> 00:24:48,602 to the development of... 656 00:24:48,638 --> 00:24:50,354 But that didn't happen right away. 657 00:24:50,389 --> 00:24:53,140 I mean you, kind of, jumped into that part 658 00:24:53,175 --> 00:24:55,809 where we were really good. I mean, in the early days, 659 00:24:55,844 --> 00:24:57,228 it was really tough. 660 00:24:57,280 --> 00:24:59,146 I couldn't say the word. 661 00:24:59,181 --> 00:25:00,698 I was really sad about it. 662 00:25:00,733 --> 00:25:04,235 I was depressed about it. 663 00:25:04,287 --> 00:25:05,786 And we... 664 00:25:05,821 --> 00:25:07,154 Remember we started getting those books. 665 00:25:07,189 --> 00:25:08,989 We were like reading everything. 666 00:25:09,024 --> 00:25:10,958 We were online. We were... We were just... 667 00:25:10,993 --> 00:25:12,576 That's when I'm making simultaneous 668 00:25:12,628 --> 00:25:14,461 with the emotional upheaval. 669 00:25:14,497 --> 00:25:16,380 Um, she really took the labor on 670 00:25:16,415 --> 00:25:19,166 in terms of the research and, um... 671 00:25:19,201 --> 00:25:21,669 So he wants to make me the hero of this story 672 00:25:21,704 --> 00:25:23,170 -[laughs]. -Well, I mean, both we met 673 00:25:23,205 --> 00:25:24,755 the challenge together 674 00:25:24,807 --> 00:25:27,007 but, uh, she has to be credited I think with, um, 675 00:25:27,042 --> 00:25:29,593 leading the charge in terms of, kind of, figuring out 676 00:25:29,645 --> 00:25:31,428 and, uh, getting some assistance 677 00:25:31,480 --> 00:25:33,898 from a friend of hers and a particular doctor, 678 00:25:33,933 --> 00:25:38,736 interventionist, um, to start to getting him assistance. 679 00:25:38,771 --> 00:25:42,823 For me, um... 680 00:25:42,858 --> 00:25:44,808 In all honesty, 681 00:25:44,844 --> 00:25:46,744 I lived in a lot of fear. 682 00:25:46,779 --> 00:25:51,248 Sydney has always been a... 683 00:25:51,284 --> 00:25:52,499 Um... 684 00:25:54,687 --> 00:25:56,537 -She's always been a... -Aw. 685 00:25:56,572 --> 00:25:58,706 A turning point for me. 686 00:25:58,741 --> 00:26:01,041 And I think that's why I deal with her 687 00:26:01,076 --> 00:26:02,626 the way that I do 688 00:26:02,678 --> 00:26:07,765 because... I could've lost her. 689 00:26:07,800 --> 00:26:11,101 And again, I don't know what that look like. 690 00:26:11,137 --> 00:26:13,687 I don't know how we could have handled that 691 00:26:13,723 --> 00:26:17,524 but, um... 692 00:26:17,560 --> 00:26:19,777 To this day, I guess, you know, uh, 693 00:26:19,812 --> 00:26:21,028 she's like daddy's girl to me. 694 00:26:21,063 --> 00:26:22,646 -Because I... -She is. 695 00:26:22,698 --> 00:26:24,231 -She's... -Not like. 696 00:26:24,266 --> 00:26:28,235 Whatever she needs, fine, 697 00:26:28,270 --> 00:26:30,988 I'll do it because, um, 698 00:26:31,040 --> 00:26:32,906 we were at that point, 699 00:26:32,941 --> 00:26:34,908 at a... In our lives where 700 00:26:34,943 --> 00:26:37,294 we didn't know from one day to another 701 00:26:37,330 --> 00:26:39,913 if she was gonna be able to. But now... 702 00:26:39,948 --> 00:26:41,915 But she also gave us that balance. 703 00:26:41,950 --> 00:26:43,751 It was just like everything was based on her, 704 00:26:43,786 --> 00:26:47,304 like our life literally took a turn. 705 00:26:47,340 --> 00:26:49,556 And like I said, being a young couple, 706 00:26:49,592 --> 00:26:53,177 we didn't know, um, the one way or the other 707 00:26:53,229 --> 00:26:55,312 but, yeah, it was just... Yeah. 708 00:26:55,348 --> 00:26:57,014 So I totally agree with that. 709 00:26:57,066 --> 00:26:58,766 It was this balance 710 00:26:58,801 --> 00:27:00,768 but we then saw hope through her. 711 00:27:00,803 --> 00:27:01,935 So I was like, "okay, you know what? 712 00:27:01,970 --> 00:27:03,354 We got this." 713 00:27:03,406 --> 00:27:06,023 I remember somebody making the comment, 714 00:27:06,075 --> 00:27:08,409 "oh, you're having a designer baby." 715 00:27:08,444 --> 00:27:10,277 and I just, like, broke down 716 00:27:10,312 --> 00:27:12,196 and he was just like, 717 00:27:12,248 --> 00:27:14,782 "why do you care what these people think? 718 00:27:14,817 --> 00:27:16,917 Like, anybody who loves you 719 00:27:16,952 --> 00:27:18,452 wouldn't say something like that." 720 00:27:19,588 --> 00:27:22,506 I think one of biggest things that 721 00:27:22,541 --> 00:27:25,142 probably prevent people from getting a diagnosis 722 00:27:25,194 --> 00:27:27,027 is the shame 723 00:27:27,063 --> 00:27:29,029 and then the shame leads to isolation. 724 00:27:29,065 --> 00:27:31,065 I remember we went to a birthday party, 725 00:27:31,100 --> 00:27:32,366 he was on a preschool, 726 00:27:32,401 --> 00:27:35,452 and it was at a gymnastic center. 727 00:27:35,488 --> 00:27:37,988 And so, we were in a certain part of the center 728 00:27:38,040 --> 00:27:39,239 and the other part of the center 729 00:27:39,274 --> 00:27:40,991 they were having gymnastic classes 730 00:27:41,043 --> 00:27:43,377 and marty wouldn't stay with the group. 731 00:27:43,412 --> 00:27:44,912 He kept wanting to run off 732 00:27:44,947 --> 00:27:47,965 to the other, uh, part of the gym 733 00:27:48,000 --> 00:27:50,050 to watch what was happening with the other kids. 734 00:27:50,086 --> 00:27:51,552 And it was really annoying the mother 735 00:27:51,587 --> 00:27:53,337 who was hosting this party, 736 00:27:53,389 --> 00:27:55,889 uh, so much so that, uh, 737 00:27:55,925 --> 00:27:57,891 she didn't quite ask us to leave 738 00:27:57,927 --> 00:28:00,260 but it felt like she really wanted us to leave. 739 00:28:00,295 --> 00:28:02,062 And it was so painful for me 740 00:28:02,098 --> 00:28:04,381 and I, kind of, cried and then I went to my car 741 00:28:04,417 --> 00:28:06,433 and I was just, you know, "should I just leave?" 742 00:28:06,468 --> 00:28:08,152 because I know she didn't want me to be there. 743 00:28:08,187 --> 00:28:10,654 And marty couldn't partake with the other kids. 744 00:28:10,690 --> 00:28:13,607 He wasn't playing the games with the other kids. 745 00:28:13,642 --> 00:28:16,193 And, you know, I stopped and I said, 746 00:28:16,245 --> 00:28:18,195 "you know what, if I leave this party now, 747 00:28:18,247 --> 00:28:19,830 I'm gonna be leaving functions 748 00:28:19,865 --> 00:28:23,083 for the rest of my life. I'm never going to be able 749 00:28:23,119 --> 00:28:24,368 to do anything with my son." 750 00:28:24,420 --> 00:28:26,537 and my son... She invited us 751 00:28:26,589 --> 00:28:28,589 and there's nothing wrong with my son. 752 00:28:28,624 --> 00:28:31,792 And so what if he wants to run over to the other side 753 00:28:31,827 --> 00:28:34,928 and play with those kids? It's... And I just... 754 00:28:34,964 --> 00:28:37,097 We walked back in and we stayed. 755 00:28:37,133 --> 00:28:40,768 And it was those kinds of experiences 756 00:28:40,803 --> 00:28:41,969 that helped me, I think, 757 00:28:42,004 --> 00:28:43,721 become an advocate in this area 758 00:28:43,773 --> 00:28:46,523 because there were so many small things. 759 00:28:46,559 --> 00:28:47,891 I look back, I call them small now, 760 00:28:47,943 --> 00:28:49,109 they weren't small at the time, 761 00:28:49,145 --> 00:28:50,694 they were huge, 762 00:28:50,730 --> 00:28:52,730 because everybody wants their kid to be accepted. 763 00:28:52,782 --> 00:28:55,866 Nobody wants their kid to be the odd kid out. 764 00:28:55,901 --> 00:28:57,868 And simple things like play dates, 765 00:28:57,903 --> 00:28:59,870 nobody would invite him. 766 00:28:59,905 --> 00:29:01,538 You know, he wouldn't get invited. 767 00:29:01,574 --> 00:29:04,658 And so our family, 768 00:29:04,693 --> 00:29:07,327 ernest was always like, you know, 769 00:29:07,362 --> 00:29:08,996 "if you're gonna invite the martins, 770 00:29:09,031 --> 00:29:11,548 the martins are all of us." 771 00:29:11,584 --> 00:29:13,584 but that wasn't as easy for me. 772 00:29:13,636 --> 00:29:16,754 If you want to consider having, um, a child 773 00:29:16,806 --> 00:29:18,555 and you do have to have a fibroid surgery, 774 00:29:18,591 --> 00:29:20,140 make sure you have a fertility doctor 775 00:29:20,176 --> 00:29:22,176 do your surgery because they will reserve 776 00:29:22,211 --> 00:29:23,927 -and preserve... -Yeah. Because they're more 777 00:29:23,979 --> 00:29:26,396 conscious of what you need to actually become pregnant 778 00:29:26,432 --> 00:29:27,681 in your lining, 779 00:29:27,716 --> 00:29:29,349 which is all the stuff that we learned. 780 00:29:29,384 --> 00:29:31,435 -Um... So, yes. -Come on with the md words 781 00:29:31,487 --> 00:29:33,320 -over here. -So, yeah. So she had the... 782 00:29:33,355 --> 00:29:34,988 -She had the surgery. Um... -So I had the surgery 783 00:29:35,024 --> 00:29:36,406 and I went to lunch and come back home. 784 00:29:36,442 --> 00:29:37,741 She went to lunch with a friend of ours. 785 00:29:37,777 --> 00:29:39,443 The next morning I had cramps. 786 00:29:39,495 --> 00:29:40,911 I was on the phone with a client 787 00:29:40,946 --> 00:29:42,246 and even though I had the surgery 788 00:29:42,281 --> 00:29:43,997 I hadn't told anybody about it. 789 00:29:44,033 --> 00:29:45,666 -So I'm still on the phone... -She's great at that. 790 00:29:45,701 --> 00:29:47,201 ...Cramping and while I'm on the phone with her, 791 00:29:47,236 --> 00:29:49,286 I'm also clotting out a lot of blood. 792 00:29:49,338 --> 00:29:51,505 And in the midst of that, like I said, with fertility 793 00:29:51,540 --> 00:29:53,173 and trying to get to that space, 794 00:29:53,209 --> 00:29:55,759 I knew something was wrong because I then felt dizzy. 795 00:29:55,795 --> 00:29:57,427 I was gonna lay down in the bathroom 796 00:29:57,463 --> 00:29:59,096 -because that's how we got... -So I rush over there 797 00:29:59,131 --> 00:30:02,466 to, um, help her out, to get a pillow. 798 00:30:02,518 --> 00:30:04,184 And I realize as I pick her... 799 00:30:04,220 --> 00:30:06,470 Because she was sitting on the... 800 00:30:06,522 --> 00:30:08,605 -On the potty. -On... Yeah, on the potty. 801 00:30:08,641 --> 00:30:11,475 And, um, so I went to pick her up 802 00:30:11,527 --> 00:30:14,812 and literally, blood was pouring out of her 803 00:30:14,864 --> 00:30:16,146 as I picked her up and I'm like, 804 00:30:16,198 --> 00:30:18,148 "oh, my god." like, pouring out of. 805 00:30:18,200 --> 00:30:20,117 And I'm... And she's like, "oh, I'm about to faint." 806 00:30:20,152 --> 00:30:22,953 -and I passed out. [laughs] -and I'm like... I'm like, no. 807 00:30:22,988 --> 00:30:24,571 I was like, you know... You know, stay... 808 00:30:24,606 --> 00:30:26,957 -It was a lot of blood, yeah. -So I had to, um... 809 00:30:26,992 --> 00:30:28,542 -You said it was a massacre. -It was... It was one 810 00:30:28,577 --> 00:30:30,077 of the scariest days of my life because, I mean, 811 00:30:30,112 --> 00:30:31,879 literally, we had to call the ambulance, 812 00:30:31,914 --> 00:30:33,330 uh, because she had... She did... 813 00:30:33,382 --> 00:30:35,299 -I was passed out, yeah. -...Kind of pass out. 814 00:30:35,334 --> 00:30:37,835 When our daughter was first diagnosed, 815 00:30:37,887 --> 00:30:40,921 it was the idea that it crossed my mind 816 00:30:40,956 --> 00:30:43,223 that... 817 00:30:43,259 --> 00:30:46,310 You know, I don't wanna be selfish in this, 818 00:30:46,345 --> 00:30:49,763 but I did have dreams 819 00:30:49,798 --> 00:30:52,566 that I think may not ever happen. 820 00:30:52,601 --> 00:30:54,101 And it was just like, 821 00:30:54,136 --> 00:30:58,322 "am I really... How do I settle gracefully 822 00:30:58,357 --> 00:31:02,492 and still be a good partner in this relationship 823 00:31:02,528 --> 00:31:04,995 when now I'm going to settle?" 824 00:31:05,030 --> 00:31:07,664 I'm gonna take a back seat because 825 00:31:07,700 --> 00:31:10,667 I'm needed in a different capacity 826 00:31:10,703 --> 00:31:13,086 than what I imagine doing when I was a little girl. 827 00:31:13,122 --> 00:31:15,422 And every goal that I had ever written down 828 00:31:15,457 --> 00:31:17,424 and all of that stuff is ultimately 829 00:31:17,459 --> 00:31:19,376 not going to happen. 830 00:31:19,428 --> 00:31:22,596 Then when we were able to sit down 831 00:31:22,631 --> 00:31:24,715 and have that conversation 832 00:31:24,767 --> 00:31:28,302 about bringing forth my best self 833 00:31:28,337 --> 00:31:31,438 and, you know, him doing the same thing, 834 00:31:31,473 --> 00:31:33,557 it gave me hope and I realize 835 00:31:33,609 --> 00:31:36,944 that you really can do it all. 836 00:31:36,979 --> 00:31:39,062 It just doesn't have to look like everybody else. 837 00:31:39,114 --> 00:31:40,314 -You just have to figure out -right. 838 00:31:40,349 --> 00:31:43,233 -...What works best for us. -For us. 839 00:31:43,285 --> 00:31:46,203 -Right. -And we have been really good 840 00:31:46,238 --> 00:31:48,956 at figuring out what works for us 841 00:31:48,991 --> 00:31:52,159 and not basing that on any other couple. 842 00:31:52,194 --> 00:31:54,161 I didn't get postpartum. 843 00:31:54,196 --> 00:31:56,830 But during my pregnancy, I dealt with depression 844 00:31:56,865 --> 00:31:59,917 and it was this added guilt of, 845 00:31:59,969 --> 00:32:02,219 "but you wanted this, but you tried five years 846 00:32:02,254 --> 00:32:03,921 to get this, this is what you guys wanted." 847 00:32:03,973 --> 00:32:07,057 and just nobody understanding me but him. 848 00:32:07,092 --> 00:32:08,926 And him being like, "you're still a person. 849 00:32:08,978 --> 00:32:10,928 You're still gonna have pains 850 00:32:10,980 --> 00:32:12,479 that every other mom goes through, 851 00:32:12,514 --> 00:32:13,931 whether you wanted this or not. 852 00:32:13,983 --> 00:32:17,234 And-and that being grateful and being sad 853 00:32:17,269 --> 00:32:19,403 or being hurt or anything, 854 00:32:19,438 --> 00:32:21,405 those can exist in the same space." 855 00:32:21,440 --> 00:32:22,773 there's a lot of people who will judge you 856 00:32:22,825 --> 00:32:23,941 -when you're pregnant. -Yeah. 857 00:32:23,993 --> 00:32:25,325 And you went through ifv 858 00:32:25,361 --> 00:32:26,610 and you're like, "well, you wanted it. 859 00:32:26,662 --> 00:32:28,161 Why are you complaining? 860 00:32:28,197 --> 00:32:29,663 This is what you wanted." 861 00:32:29,698 --> 00:32:31,164 -you pay for it. -And you do fight for it. 862 00:32:31,200 --> 00:32:33,533 You pay for it all your life, and it just... 863 00:32:33,568 --> 00:32:35,752 Still, you can still feel those same emotions 864 00:32:35,788 --> 00:32:37,254 if you pay for it, if you didn't. 865 00:32:37,289 --> 00:32:38,372 -Yeah. -If you got lucky 866 00:32:38,407 --> 00:32:40,257 or you didn't get lucky, like, 867 00:32:40,292 --> 00:32:42,342 it's just your... You can only be human. 868 00:32:42,378 --> 00:32:43,877 -Right. -And that's what it is. 869 00:32:43,912 --> 00:32:45,762 And another piece of the ivf, 870 00:32:45,798 --> 00:32:48,515 everyone's so judgmental about ivf. 871 00:32:48,550 --> 00:32:51,184 And I remember somebody making a comment, 872 00:32:51,220 --> 00:32:53,603 "oh, you're having a designer baby." 873 00:32:53,639 --> 00:32:55,555 and I just, like, broke down. 874 00:32:55,590 --> 00:32:57,357 And he was just like, 875 00:32:57,393 --> 00:32:59,977 "why do you care what these people think? 876 00:33:00,029 --> 00:33:02,062 Like, anybody who loves you 877 00:33:02,097 --> 00:33:03,697 wouldn't say something like that. 878 00:33:03,732 --> 00:33:06,066 So stop thinking about what people who haven't..." 879 00:33:06,101 --> 00:33:08,118 he's like, "everybody has an opinion, you know? 880 00:33:08,153 --> 00:33:09,653 Like, don't worry about that." 881 00:33:09,705 --> 00:33:11,905 and that's one of the things that I think 882 00:33:11,940 --> 00:33:17,127 he's helped me with the most is to... 883 00:33:17,162 --> 00:33:19,212 Stop caring about what other people think about you. 884 00:33:19,248 --> 00:33:23,417 Yeah. Karl could make the most random crazy decision 885 00:33:23,452 --> 00:33:27,587 and be okay with whatever came his way with it, 886 00:33:27,622 --> 00:33:29,306 because he's happy with it. 887 00:33:29,341 --> 00:33:32,559 And I admire that about him and I envy that about him. 888 00:33:32,594 --> 00:33:34,895 -But it's been helping me... -You have to get in the boat. 889 00:33:34,930 --> 00:33:36,313 Yeah. I gotta get on the boat. 890 00:33:36,348 --> 00:33:37,564 Get on the boat. 891 00:33:37,599 --> 00:33:39,566 Yeah. I was scared of water. [laughs] 892 00:33:39,601 --> 00:33:41,735 -right. You got a life raft. -Right. 893 00:33:43,021 --> 00:33:44,321 So then it got to be... We got to be like a joke. 894 00:33:44,356 --> 00:33:46,323 Uh, you know, we could joke about it. 895 00:33:46,358 --> 00:33:47,941 And we could laugh about it. 896 00:33:47,993 --> 00:33:53,113 Uh, our church, go to a big black noisy church 897 00:33:53,165 --> 00:33:55,949 and people would have the nerve to look at you 898 00:33:56,001 --> 00:33:57,751 when marty's making noise. 899 00:33:57,786 --> 00:33:59,953 And I would just stand there like, "really? 900 00:34:00,005 --> 00:34:01,621 All this screaming going on this church 901 00:34:01,673 --> 00:34:04,341 and marty is the problem?" [laughs] that's so... 902 00:34:04,376 --> 00:34:05,842 After a while, the kids, 903 00:34:05,878 --> 00:34:07,344 you know, I would go without them, 904 00:34:07,379 --> 00:34:08,929 and it was the family and they would bring 905 00:34:08,964 --> 00:34:11,515 their disabled kids, and a couple of unexpected, 906 00:34:11,550 --> 00:34:13,467 but these kids are screaming and I would purposefully sit 907 00:34:13,502 --> 00:34:15,869 by them even though I don't have marty with me. 908 00:34:15,904 --> 00:34:17,304 And a girlfriend of mine was, 909 00:34:17,339 --> 00:34:18,705 "why you always have to sit over there?" 910 00:34:18,741 --> 00:34:20,974 I said so that I can stare back at the people 911 00:34:21,009 --> 00:34:23,510 at this church with all their judgment 912 00:34:23,545 --> 00:34:26,980 and make this family feel like it's okay 913 00:34:27,015 --> 00:34:29,649 to be in this loud, noisy church, 914 00:34:29,685 --> 00:34:32,619 and that these kids are okay to be here. 915 00:34:32,654 --> 00:34:34,654 And so... But that took a lot of time, 916 00:34:34,706 --> 00:34:36,990 it took a lot of courage and strength on my part 917 00:34:37,042 --> 00:34:39,042 to get to that place, 918 00:34:39,077 --> 00:34:40,494 not just stand up for marty, 919 00:34:40,529 --> 00:34:43,046 I could stand up for that family and... 920 00:34:43,081 --> 00:34:45,382 You know, the-the other work that I do, kind of, 921 00:34:45,417 --> 00:34:47,634 you know, flows from there. 922 00:34:47,669 --> 00:34:49,386 I got pregnant right after that 923 00:34:49,421 --> 00:34:50,804 and then I had a miscarriage 924 00:34:50,839 --> 00:34:52,472 which could've been two things, he said. 925 00:34:52,508 --> 00:34:54,307 One that my lining wasn't healthy 926 00:34:54,343 --> 00:34:57,227 or two, that my quality of eggs still isn't good. 927 00:34:57,262 --> 00:34:58,812 So he said, "let's just take a break 928 00:34:58,847 --> 00:35:01,848 and do ivf in the next three months. 929 00:35:01,900 --> 00:35:03,150 We went back in January, 930 00:35:03,185 --> 00:35:04,568 you know, the holiday's passed, 931 00:35:04,603 --> 00:35:06,319 we're having a good time, you know, 932 00:35:06,355 --> 00:35:07,687 enjoying one another. 933 00:35:07,739 --> 00:35:10,857 And we go in January to start the ivf. 934 00:35:10,909 --> 00:35:12,492 He's like, "okay, well, let me go in and..." 935 00:35:12,528 --> 00:35:14,327 she had to do an exam. You know what I'm saying? 936 00:35:14,363 --> 00:35:15,495 Before they start the process. 937 00:35:15,531 --> 00:35:16,746 -So he wants to see... -Yeah. 938 00:35:16,782 --> 00:35:18,448 You know, how she's naturally... 939 00:35:18,483 --> 00:35:19,533 Whatever. 940 00:35:19,585 --> 00:35:21,084 So he's recording 941 00:35:21,119 --> 00:35:22,836 -the process of the... -Right. 942 00:35:22,871 --> 00:35:24,371 Of-of dr. Haken and... 943 00:35:24,423 --> 00:35:25,872 Yeah, because, you know, he's about to give us 944 00:35:25,924 --> 00:35:28,041 the feedback on, you know, how... 945 00:35:28,093 --> 00:35:29,459 -When we started. -Her lining 946 00:35:29,494 --> 00:35:32,212 and when she restart, blah, blah, blah. 947 00:35:32,264 --> 00:35:34,714 And in the process, he was like, 948 00:35:34,766 --> 00:35:36,216 "do you hear that?" and we was like... 949 00:35:36,268 --> 00:35:37,767 And it's like, boom, boom. I was like, 950 00:35:37,803 --> 00:35:39,186 -"oh, my god. What is that?" -I thought it was 951 00:35:39,221 --> 00:35:40,554 -my heartbeat. I was like... -She-she said... 952 00:35:40,606 --> 00:35:42,522 -Yeah, she said... -I'm a little blondish. 953 00:35:42,558 --> 00:35:43,640 She's like, "is that my heartbeat?" 954 00:35:43,675 --> 00:35:45,108 I said, "is that my heartbeat?" 955 00:35:45,143 --> 00:35:46,560 and he said, "yeah, it's a heartbeat. 956 00:35:46,612 --> 00:35:47,861 But it's not yours. 957 00:35:47,896 --> 00:35:49,112 "you're pregnant." 958 00:35:49,147 --> 00:35:51,198 so not only was I pregnant, 959 00:35:51,233 --> 00:35:53,149 -I didn't know I was pregnant. -And I was just shocked. I was like... 960 00:35:53,184 --> 00:35:55,402 To the point of having a heartbeat. 961 00:35:55,454 --> 00:35:57,454 Because this is the last thing we expected, we're expecting, "okay, well, 962 00:35:57,489 --> 00:35:59,573 when are we gonna sign up to get these shots done?" 963 00:35:59,625 --> 00:36:01,491 blah, blah, blah. And here we go... 964 00:36:01,526 --> 00:36:02,792 But it's amazing what your body does 965 00:36:02,828 --> 00:36:04,544 when you're told to just stop. 966 00:36:04,580 --> 00:36:06,963 I went to that same bathroom afterwards and... 967 00:36:06,999 --> 00:36:08,665 That I had collapsed at and I was like, 968 00:36:08,700 --> 00:36:10,667 "thank you, lord. I hear you. 969 00:36:10,702 --> 00:36:12,669 Not only do I hear you, I hear the heartbeat." 970 00:36:12,704 --> 00:36:15,088 so the same place... I'm getting emotional. 971 00:36:15,140 --> 00:36:17,340 The same place, it was actually the same room 972 00:36:17,375 --> 00:36:18,808 that he told me the scenario was, 973 00:36:18,844 --> 00:36:20,477 in the same bathroom I realize, 974 00:36:20,512 --> 00:36:22,929 "wow, lot of times, you know, it's not about... 975 00:36:22,981 --> 00:36:26,933 What you want, it's when god is ready to give it to you." 976 00:36:26,985 --> 00:36:29,686 after all the ivf stuff, 977 00:36:29,721 --> 00:36:31,488 if it didn't work, 978 00:36:31,523 --> 00:36:32,822 I thought about... 979 00:36:32,858 --> 00:36:34,157 -Maybe adoption. -Mmm-hmm. 980 00:36:34,192 --> 00:36:37,661 Maybe, uh, a surrogate, you know? 981 00:36:37,696 --> 00:36:41,615 Just all... Everything added then if nothing, 982 00:36:41,667 --> 00:36:43,617 at the end of the day, nothing-nothing, 983 00:36:43,669 --> 00:36:45,835 then... 984 00:36:45,871 --> 00:36:47,921 Yeah, I would've been fine with that too. 985 00:36:47,956 --> 00:36:49,506 I just wanted to make sure I can do everything 986 00:36:49,541 --> 00:36:54,344 in my power to help my wife and, uh, achieve a goal. 987 00:36:54,379 --> 00:36:55,962 Going through that process, 988 00:36:56,014 --> 00:36:58,798 karl was very intentional about making me laugh. 989 00:36:58,850 --> 00:37:01,351 He would find any... 990 00:37:01,386 --> 00:37:03,637 I have videos of him just like... 991 00:37:03,689 --> 00:37:06,940 Just doing silly things to just make me smile 992 00:37:06,975 --> 00:37:10,277 when I was down or, like, in that long break that... 993 00:37:10,312 --> 00:37:12,445 We took like a six or seven-month break... 994 00:37:12,481 --> 00:37:14,230 -Mmm-hmm. -...Um, before the last time 995 00:37:14,265 --> 00:37:15,615 that we tried it. 996 00:37:15,651 --> 00:37:17,534 And we did what we were calling 997 00:37:17,569 --> 00:37:19,486 the joys of infertility tour. 998 00:37:19,538 --> 00:37:21,237 So we did all the things 999 00:37:21,272 --> 00:37:22,656 you can't do when you're pregnant. 1000 00:37:22,708 --> 00:37:25,792 It was so fun and I think that that joy 1001 00:37:25,827 --> 00:37:28,411 played a large part in our success 1002 00:37:28,446 --> 00:37:29,713 in our last round. 1003 00:37:29,748 --> 00:37:31,665 I think I went into that last round 1004 00:37:31,717 --> 00:37:33,883 realizing how much fun that you can have 1005 00:37:33,919 --> 00:37:35,418 without a child. 1006 00:37:35,453 --> 00:37:37,504 You know, like, do we want a child? Absolutely. 1007 00:37:37,556 --> 00:37:39,055 But we can still enjoy our life. 1008 00:37:39,091 --> 00:37:40,974 And so I think that's what that showed me. 1009 00:37:41,009 --> 00:37:43,176 And I think it did lift a lot off of me 1010 00:37:43,228 --> 00:37:47,097 and I didn't go into that last round so, like, 1011 00:37:47,132 --> 00:37:48,515 -"oh, everything's on me." -mmm-hmm. 1012 00:37:48,567 --> 00:37:49,683 Like, if it doesn't work out, 1013 00:37:49,735 --> 00:37:51,318 it's my fault, you know? 1014 00:37:51,353 --> 00:37:52,402 It was just like... If it doesn't work out, 1015 00:37:52,437 --> 00:37:53,486 I know that I have a marriage 1016 00:37:53,522 --> 00:37:55,522 that can get through this. 1017 00:37:55,574 --> 00:37:57,524 I know that I have a marriage that is okay, 1018 00:37:57,576 --> 00:37:58,858 child or no child. 1019 00:37:58,910 --> 00:38:00,577 -Yes. -So... 1020 00:38:00,612 --> 00:38:03,196 People would talk about, "oh, marriage is work." 1021 00:38:03,248 --> 00:38:05,198 it's like... Like, it's arduous work, 1022 00:38:05,250 --> 00:38:06,666 like, you know, digging ditches 1023 00:38:06,702 --> 00:38:08,201 or something like that. 1024 00:38:08,253 --> 00:38:10,620 And so I don't think that 1025 00:38:10,655 --> 00:38:13,123 in our marriage is hard work. 1026 00:38:13,158 --> 00:38:15,291 I think it's work, meaning effort. 1027 00:38:15,326 --> 00:38:18,128 -Mmm-hmm. -That we have to be, uh... 1028 00:38:18,163 --> 00:38:23,466 You know, put effort and be mindful of what we want 1029 00:38:23,501 --> 00:38:26,302 and then put effort towards making that thing 1030 00:38:26,337 --> 00:38:28,271 -come into fruition every day. -Mmm-hmm. 1031 00:38:28,306 --> 00:38:32,692 I definitely think, um, being loved by my family 1032 00:38:32,728 --> 00:38:36,112 the way that I was loved just really unconditionally, 1033 00:38:36,148 --> 00:38:38,398 um, I never... Uh, I would always say, 1034 00:38:38,450 --> 00:38:40,033 and jason has a similar story, 1035 00:38:40,068 --> 00:38:42,535 I never had to come out, per se. 1036 00:38:42,571 --> 00:38:46,373 When it comes to my love for jason and loving him 1037 00:38:46,408 --> 00:38:48,324 a thousand percent completely, 1038 00:38:48,359 --> 00:38:50,377 it's the way that I was loved. 1039 00:38:50,412 --> 00:38:51,878 -Yeah, it's your experience. -It's my experience. 1040 00:38:51,913 --> 00:38:53,046 It's your... It's your experience. 1041 00:38:53,081 --> 00:38:54,247 It's the way that I was loved. 1042 00:38:54,299 --> 00:38:55,665 -Yeah. -So I'm giving him 1043 00:38:55,700 --> 00:38:57,584 what I got. I don't know any other way. 1044 00:38:57,636 --> 00:38:59,502 I think what's really beautiful is that 1045 00:38:59,537 --> 00:39:02,389 adair grew up in the bronx in new york. 1046 00:39:02,424 --> 00:39:03,973 I grew up in st. Louis, missouri 1047 00:39:04,009 --> 00:39:05,592 in the middle of america, right? 1048 00:39:05,644 --> 00:39:10,063 And you have these... 1049 00:39:10,098 --> 00:39:11,981 Exact experiences. 1050 00:39:12,017 --> 00:39:15,468 We had very important, 1051 00:39:15,504 --> 00:39:19,806 sensible, loving, smart parents 1052 00:39:19,841 --> 00:39:23,943 who decided to teach us 1053 00:39:23,995 --> 00:39:26,413 and love us fully, you know? 1054 00:39:26,448 --> 00:39:28,114 So that's all we know, 1055 00:39:28,166 --> 00:39:29,999 that's legit all we know. 1056 00:39:30,035 --> 00:39:32,118 And if it does not feel like that, let it come... 1057 00:39:32,170 --> 00:39:34,370 Let it be in a work relationship, 1058 00:39:34,405 --> 00:39:36,289 a friendship, and our marriage. 1059 00:39:36,341 --> 00:39:38,291 That is not where we need to exist. 1060 00:39:38,343 --> 00:39:39,926 It doesn't make any sense. 1061 00:39:39,961 --> 00:39:41,461 The way that I love adair 1062 00:39:41,513 --> 00:39:44,848 is the mirror of the way that I was taught to love. 1063 00:39:44,883 --> 00:39:47,851 And, you know, it... It's... It... So I... 1064 00:39:47,886 --> 00:39:50,136 What I'm excited about is the combination 1065 00:39:50,188 --> 00:39:53,690 of how he was taught love and how I was taught to love 1066 00:39:53,725 --> 00:39:55,892 and, like, how we can actually implement that 1067 00:39:55,927 --> 00:39:59,479 in another black... Little black boy's life. 1068 00:39:59,531 --> 00:40:01,981 It's gonna be epic. It's gonna be epic. 1069 00:40:02,033 --> 00:40:05,318 It's gonna be some obama-ness happening. 1070 00:40:05,370 --> 00:40:07,871 With a little bit of yara shahidi. 1071 00:40:07,906 --> 00:40:10,373 -Like, something like that. -Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm. 1072 00:40:10,408 --> 00:40:14,461 [mellow music playing] 1073 00:40:14,496 --> 00:40:16,546 [man] I was just scared. I was just, like, 1074 00:40:16,581 --> 00:40:18,414 scared to mess it up, you know what I mean? 1075 00:40:18,449 --> 00:40:21,918 And not knowing if I was in a place to where I wouldn't. 1076 00:40:21,953 --> 00:40:24,254 I can't impose my will 1077 00:40:24,289 --> 00:40:27,006 on her or my beliefs and say, 1078 00:40:27,058 --> 00:40:29,809 "this is how it's going to be, or else." 1079 00:40:29,845 --> 00:40:32,145 because whenever you throw an "or else" in there, 1080 00:40:32,180 --> 00:40:35,064 then, you gonna get... 1081 00:40:35,100 --> 00:40:36,649 -Or else. Mmm-hmm. -...Or else. 1082 00:40:36,685 --> 00:40:38,685 But I remember going to the doctor and... 1083 00:40:38,737 --> 00:40:41,738 In there and, you know... I don't wanna stay 1084 00:40:41,773 --> 00:40:43,239 and, you know, we got kids 1085 00:40:43,275 --> 00:40:44,774 and it's just tough, it's... 1086 00:40:44,809 --> 00:40:46,242 The weight is heavy. 1087 00:40:46,278 --> 00:40:48,661 Um, but I stood. 1088 00:40:48,697 --> 00:40:50,246 I just said, "honey, I got to do it 1089 00:40:50,282 --> 00:40:52,198 so I can have myself back." 1090 00:40:52,250 --> 00:40:54,033 and, uh, we went through that. 1091 00:40:54,085 --> 00:40:56,169 I'd never seen him so afraid. 1092 00:40:56,204 --> 00:40:59,506 Like, that was the first time I've ever seen ron just... 1093 00:40:59,541 --> 00:41:01,424 I-I saw you just freak out.