Folks who are over 40,
who met online,
who have children by previous relationships
and none together, saying, you know,
"we... It's me and him, and we are figuring this out,
and we are riding this together
with the family who is intact
and who loves and is not fragmented."
when you're having kids when you first start off
in a...In a young marriage,
-that's your primary focus. -Right.
And at the time, you know, you're trying to work,
you're trying to build, at the same time,
you're trying to nurture and to parent,
and we were not parenting.
So we didn't have that history or background
to have some, you know,
something like a resource to fall back on
and say, "this is how you're supposed to do it."
-right, right. -We did not.
I was taught that go to school,
you get a good education.
You know, you get a great job,
you know, and I had a great job, you know,
I'm doing stuff, now I'm on tv and,
you know, all these things are going right.
And I'm like, "god, this is... Like,
you're gonna let this happen to me?
Like I'm not going to be able to be a mother?
Like, did I wait too long? Like, why me?"
um, you know, I'm like, you know,
feed the homeless, like what [laughs],
you know. What did... What did... What did I do?
So I was in the bathroom and I just pleaded,
I was like, "lord, you know, whatever it is,
whatever purpose this is,
whatever platform you give me,
I'll take it. But please don't take away
my opportunity of being a mother."
[upbeat music playing]
[erica] so we met online,
I had my private settings on
so that nobody could contact me
and so I contacted him with the,
-"hey, handsome." and... -Yeah.
That's all... That's all it really took...
-Yeah. -...For me.
We exchanged phone numbers and we talked for
almost three weeks, two weeks.
-Yeah, hours on end. -Um, yeah,
and so you got that high school feeling
of like falling asleep on the phone
-and like really, so... -Mmm-hmm.
...By the time I actually
met him in person,
I felt like I knew this person
deeper than any first date
I'd ever been on because it was just like
we had talked about all the big things.
And then eight weeks later,
he was down on one knee.
We got married exactly on 07/20 up a year
after we decided to be boyfriend and girlfriend.
Did we want kids right away? Probably not.
I think I grew up knowing something was wrong with me,
um, because I was never, like, really regular
and I used to tell my family I didn't want kids.
And I think that was like my defense mechanism too
if I couldn't have kids.
Um, and so when we met,
we had talked about kids and if kids was important
and I was like, "oh, I don't really want kids."
and he was like, "uh, I think,
you know, take it or leave it."
-yeah. -And so we were like, "okay.
Like, this will work." like if we don't have kids,
cool, if we a kid, cool.
His parents have been married
for 50 plus years
and I felt like that's such a great blueprint
being that he, you know, being a black man
and having this, you know,
amazing example, um, was rare.
I just didn't really digest marriage in a good light
until I saw his parents and saw that, okay,
through the test of time marriage means more
than just loving somebody,
it means more than just,
you know, an argument and making up.
There's a lot of sacrifice that comes with this.
So he knew he wanted to get married.
I want to just have kids.
I figured, you know, get a good man
because if it don't work out you have a good
father of your child, right?
-That's the way I started. -So, yeah, so, she used me.
-I did, I did. -Pretty much.
But I told him one day that I wanted it but...
No, yeah, we discussed.
-...I wanted a brown child... -Yeah.
...With, um, a... I wanted to raise black babies
with a black man, that's what I told him.
A strong black man, a strong...
A strong, I'm sorry, you remember that?
Yeah, I remember that. That was another moment,
-it was like... -It was a moment?
...I heard that before.
-Okay. All right. -Yeah.
We started dating in '85, actually got married in '89,
so, um, we had four years together.
So, we were ready by that time
we had then pursued our careers
and had done that type of thing and so we were...
Uh, we kind of planned it all out
and we're ready to have, uh, children.
So it was a very easy transition. Yeah.
We have so many shared values.
I grew up in a home, no father in home,
I didn't meet my father until I was 18.
I didn't live with my mother,
I live with my paraplegic grandmother
and my godmother so I had never really seen
a healthy relationship.
Ernest was total opposite,
parents married for like ever,
same household, very middle class father,
you know, and a job for 30 plus years,
mother works sometimes but at home a lot.
Uh, so our backgrounds were really different
in that regard but, I don't know,
I always knew, uh, no matter what,
I wanted to get married.
My biggest thing in life
was to have all of my kids
by one person in one home.
That just having grown up without that,
that was really important to me.
When we married, he had a daughter,
I had a son, so we gained,
you know, one of each.
And, um, you know, my son was little,
-he was like 10. -Mmm-hmm.
And it had been he and I
and, you know, he's a mama's baby,
that's my boy.
And then here comes this guy,
like, no you need... And I'm like,
"dude, no, don't do it."
so... [laughs]
so that was really an area where I said,
"okay, this is going to be work,"
because neither one of us had a down path.
My mother was really influential in me
understanding, you know, the definition of love.
My mother was a single parent for day...
From day one and she also somehow
figured out how to have a soft hand
and to teach us that love was not scary.
That being vulnerable was actually
a sign of strength and not weakness.
And so I try to carry that
in my intimate relationships
and my parenting and also in my friendships.
Where, you know, he grew up in a household
where his father has passed
but his parents were married for over 55 years.
Um, and, uh, he has, uh, a perspective
and maybe too part of me not having...
Never seeing that in my household,
I also had kind of a fantasy
about what marriage was,
what a husband was, what it meant to be a wife.
I didn't know what that really meant,
like walking that out every day.
Oh, I've learned, um, [laughs]
I've learned, um, but he came into it
with a very different kind of understanding
of how couples work.
At the beginning of our relationship,
we always talked about how important it was for us
to have an amazing black son.
And we thought like it is our obligation
to help mold,
uh, this amazing black human.
Because, you know, it's a...
Here's an opportunity to shine a light on someone
who has always been told they don't have the light,
they don't have these opportunities.
But we're here to tell him that, like,
it's all a lie, that's all false,
it's all false, and here are the possibilities
right in front of you. And then we're here
to show you look how you soar.
So that's what we wanna give
to this amazing little brown nugget.
Yeah, so, that's the long way
-of saying we're gonna have a boy. -Yeah.
-We got married October... -October.
...Of '91 and then three months after that,
um, I was pregnant with our first child.
So we were really... Uh, it was this... It was a...
It was a whirlwind of possibilities,
a legacy for us. We were young
and that's how we were talking.
-Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm. -It was like, this is us,
this is our chance to make right...
-Yeah, 20s. -...All the wrong
that had been done to us in our life
or what we had to experience as children.
Um, we get to start our life
and we get to kind of do it our way.
So, although I was divorced,
uh, I hadn't really broken everything off,
I hadn't set boundaries.
So, uh,
there was a text and erica said,
"listen, you need to make a choice, okay?
Um, you can have what's outside of this house
or you can, uh, do what need to be done
so that we can be together."
she's like, "I'm... Uh, I'm not desperate
and I'm not begging nobody."
uh, there were tears coming out of her eyes
and that hurt me to see her
in that state of mind because, you know,
I wanted her but I didn't know
how to have a relationship with my daughter,
um, and she was like, uh, "I'll help you all
through that, you know, but, you know,
you can't have your feet in two separate places."
and, you know, I just, uh,
"took the leap of faith" that, you know,
because I believe that god brought her
so I did what I needed to do
and I've never looked back since then.
One time when she and I were on the phone,
I was using colorful language, she was like,
"you talk like that in front of your daughter?"
and I'm like, "uh, yeah."
and she was like, "you do realize
if you talk like that to her,
she'll get so used to it
and if a man talks like that to her
who's not her father,
it won't mean anything,
you know, she'll be used to it."
so I was like, "oh." so, I stopped that
and when I stopped that, like, in the beginning,
-because my daughter was...
-Fifteen. -...Fifteen?
-Mmm-hmm. -And she was like,
"oh, so, now you're dr. Phil-ing me."
you know, I'm like, "hey, you need to understand
you're a queen and the way...
The mistakes that I have made in the beginning,
I'm sorry, you know, uh, I-I-I-I love you,"
this and that and other things.
So, you know, that was a change.
We went and did the infertility like diagnostic
and we found out that, um, I had uterine cancer.
And so that was like another big blow.
We had discussed obviously having a family and, uh...
Having a family came first because of the time.
-Well... -I guess we were just like,
"yeah, let's, you know, let's go for it."
well, we stopped, let's be... Let me just be real, honey,
we stopped using protection, that's number one.
-I mean, I get that. -Right, that's...
But when you stop using protection,
-I think the converse... -That's how to have kids.
But I'm saying that's when we decided,
like, we're okay if we get pregnant.
Um, and because we're okay if we get pregnant
meant that we're okay if we do this thing together
because we're engaged and if it happens before...
Yeah, I was... I mean, when I proposed to her,
I was like, "yo, this is it." you know what I'm saying?
You don't propose to somebody you think
you just about to be with for a few, you know...
You know, a few moments here and there,
like, yo, this is it.
So, um...
So it was okay that, you know,
-we, you know... -Yes.
-And I was in, I was... -...Don't do this in the order
that most people do it, you know what I'm saying?
Let's start a family so, and...
-I would... -And that we have learned
a lot about fertility.
We always knew that we wanted to be parents.
-Right. -We always knew
that that was part of...
That was gonna be part of the picture
that we decided to paint.
It just got really tricky when it...
When it came to timing.
Because there was a point in time where, like,
adair's business is really busy
and then there's the moments where mine aren't.
And then there... Then just, you know, this...
The past two years,
both of our business at the exact same time
is soaring.
And for adair, adair is very much
kind of like,
"it's fine, it's fine."
I'm the one on the other end just kind of thinking,
trying to be the ultimate parent,
like I wanna make sure that I'm available,
my child sees me,
my child feels me, my child hears me.
But I was so concerned
because I'm all over the planet.
And that became, uh,
a really, really tough conversation time
all the time and adair got to a point
where he was just like,
"well, look, I mean,
you said we're gonna do this and now is the time."
I mean, we're lucky to be in a situation
where, like, we're doing a surrogate situation
so we have the opportunity to kind of time things.
I was using that to my advantage, I was like,
"oh, I could just wait.
Oh, wait, hold on,
just joking,
not going to doctor this week.
Put something on my calendar."
like I was just... So I had the opportunity
to do all of that and then when adair got...
Kind of hit the game and that he was like,
"oh, I see what you're doing."
I was accustomed to just being us.
-And then... [clears throat] -well, not long.
...Not long after that,
now we have a child
that is coming.
I had to mentally adjust.
I had to mentally adjust because it's something
that I wasn't planning.
-Right. -And I don't wanna say my...
The nicknames that I have for my children.
I'm gonna tell you, he calls my kids,
oops, darn, and, oh, well.
That's what he used to call my kids.
[keith] that's how you got... Yeah, okay.
And it was literally...
He was not excited, each one of them,
he was not excited and so I got over the fact
that he's... You know, I just told him,
you know, after.
Because what was kind of shocking
is so we had our son...
-Mmm-hmm. -...And then, um,
I'm finishing up nursing school,
so I think, but I have to have my son
so I have to stop, and then I'm back
-in nursing school... -Mmm-hmm.
...And I get pregnant again
and my son is only six months old.
-[keith] mmm-hmm. -[dretona] so now...
-[keith] mmm-hmm. -[dretona] ...We are onto
baby number two.
Can you see the stress?
[laughs]
it wasn't until something clicked
like a month after we were married
and I can't remember what it was,
but I remember looking at him and going,
"I wanna see what a little me and a little him looks like."
like I want... I want to... I wt that.
And it was the first time I was, like,
courageous enough to, like,
look into what was going on with me.
We went and did the infertility,
like, diagnostic
and we found out that, um,
I had uterine cancer
and so that was like another big blow.
One, we didn't know if we could have a baby.
So we had to talk about ways to treat
that would save our fertility issues
or our fertility options
and so at the time,
I was also 321 pounds.
And so we went to a fertility clinic, um,
we got through treating hormonally
so that allowed us to go around
taking my uterus out.
Um, and the first infertility clinic we got to
once I was in for remission,
they just went for it.
So they were like, "we'll see what happens."
you know, and we got pregnant the first round
and we've lost that baby at six weeks.
And I think it was a large part
due to my weight and just like the environment.
And they said that, you know,
it's an abnormal embryo.
Um, but I think as a woman,
we always find ways to blame ourselves for things.
I dropped to my knees, um, well,
he probably didn't know that, but, um,
gosh, I'm getting emotional.
But, um, I dropped to my knees
because in that moment I realized that, um,
this may not happen for me.
I came from a single-parent household,
which meant, uh, you know,
my mother raised us "successfully".
She has three successful children,
college-educated, all that good stuff,
and we love each other, like we're close.
So she did a pretty good job, decent job,
um, by herself, which taught me
that you do it by yourself.
So to see a man discipline
or to hear a man raise his voice at a child,
I was like, "oh, no.
Oh, oh, wait, wait."
like, I can raise my voice and tell them
to sit down and stop it.
But to hear him, I didn't know...
I had no way to process that
or to... I didn't know what to do.
So then I'm like, "you can't do that."
he's like, "I can't tell the kids what to do?"
"no."
does that work, right?
So I had to figure out like,
"okay, that's my stuff."
we had to learn how to develop
our own parenting style, our own...
-Mmm-hmm. -...Co-parenting style.
We had to learn how to respond
and not react and talk about a united front.
Ernest is like the best dad
literally on the planet
because he was never one of those guys
that felt like you're the mother,
you're responsible.
I was weird hours, out a lot,
ernest was the one that was definitely more of...
Not mr. Mom because he worked a full-time job too.
But more of the "traditional"
parenting roles, I would say,
he assumed who was going to do what with our kids
was never really an issue.
Our son marty, our youngest son, uh, has...
Uh, was born and then shortly after his birth,
at about two years,
he was diagnosed with autism.
Our daughter, six months after she was born,
was diagnosed with this disorder,
condition called neurofibromatosis...
-Right. -...Where she just started
growing tumors like all over her body.
-Mmm-hmm. -And we were in total shock.
There was a point where you didn't think
of future anymore.
You know what I'm saying? It wasn't like, "okay.
We're thinking of goals."
and, you know, when we first got married,
it was all about years down the line.
Now, it's like right now, like how are we gonna...
-Right. -...Make it right now
because this is a lot.
This is a lot to now have to deal with.
-And, um... -Right.
...Back and forth to doctor's appointments
and not knowing
what's gonna happen with our daughter.
And, um, he's having to work,
I was now a new nurse.
And so, you know,
my dream was to be a nurse, right?
So I'm supposed to start my career.
And my career really can't start
because I now have to nurture
and take care of a child
that is diagnosed with, um,
an incurable condition,
and so it was just work.
So I ended up having weight loss surgery.
So they took eighty percent of my stomach
and I lost a hundred and five pounds
and we went back.
So before that, we had done a retrieval
and gotten eight eggs.
After the weight loss surgery,
we got 28 eggs.
So it clearly made a difference.
And it was our last,
kind of, hoorah and, um,
it didn't work.
And I don't know,
I was just broken, you know.
You feel like I'm going through this thing
that my body is made to do and I can't do it,
even with assistance, I can't do it.
And we've decided now
that we want a child and so now,
it becomes I can't give him this child.
Um, so he just, kind of, like,
stopped me and he was just like,
"okay, what are the next steps?"
we were just, like, we're gonna throw
everything we got at this last try.
-And that wasn't cheap. -That's a lot of money.
-It was like, what, 15? -Yeah.
-It was like 16 grand. -Like 15? Yeah.
So he busted his butt
to get the money to do this last cycle
that we had to pay out of pocket for
and that's when it really hit me
that, like, there's so many men out here
who are like complaining about child support
and this and dah, dah, dah, dah.
And this man loved me enough
to pay to have a child with me
and to show me that he valued
like us having a family
and like it was that important to him.
Um, it was huge for me.
There was two people that shifted that for me.
One was adair
because I saw how it really bothered
and actually hurt him because we were very clear...
We're very clear on everything and we're best friends,
we talk about everything.
So when I realized and I saw the emotion
and how that was actually screwing with him,
it didn't make me feel good.
But then our...
One of our best friends, who are actually a couple,
they were like, "come on, jason.
You're gonna... You're gonna be such a great father."
and this is... They were saying that to us,
to me over dinner
and it took someone on the outside
who is also very close to us
and actually went through surrogacy as well
to say something like that.
That's what, kind of, triggered me to do it.
I want to get my follicles checked
because that's where you figure out
how fertile you are,
but they took a blood test first.
When my blood test came back, they said,
"dr. Haken would like to talk to you about your results."
that's never good.
Went in, he said, "you have, for your age,
ovarian aging and that means that your, um, egg...
Your egg count and your reserve is five to...
Five years or more older than you.
Your chances of getting pregnant on your own
could be very slim, but that's what ivf is for.
Let's go check and see."
so at that point I started crying in the office,
I was like, "can you give me a minute?"
I went to the bathroom and I dropped to my knees.
Um, well, he probably didn't know that but, um,
gosh, I'm getting emotional.
But, um, I dropped to my knees
because in that moment I realized that, um,
this may not happen for me.
I come out the bathroom and get it together.
I love to say, "get it together, kita."
so I get it together and I'm like
whatever news he's gonna tell me from this ultrasound,
he said, "I'll be able to see exactly
how old your egg count really is.
If it's 40, if it's 45, or whatever."
so we go in and we do the ultrasound
and when they do it on you in an ultrasound,
it's the same thing they do when you're pregnant.
They go in, they put the wand,
I call her wanda
because I've seen wanda a lot.
So they took wanda, he goes he's in,
and he's like, "hmm.
Hmm. Hmm."
and I'm just like, "what?
That's not good. He's like humming me."
"well, I'll give you the not so good news.
You know what I mean? The not so good news
is you have fibroids.
And it's a huge fibroid.
You have to have surgery immediately.
The good news is that, actually,
you don't have a severe case of ovarian aging.
What you do have is the fact that
your fibroid is sucking up out everything
and what it does is..." he said my fibroid
was about as big as a small grape fruit.
And because I'm small, that meant that
even if I were to get pregnant,
I would miscarry every single time.
When I first... Finally got my first job
it was like, "okay. I'm going to work."
you know, "you're at home with the babies."
and then, you know, it was back and forth.
When she gets off then I go to work
-and it's like... -Tag, you're it.
-We did what we had to do. -Mmm-hmm.
Though we, kind of, came and went.
It's like survival mode. Yeah.
Because our primary focus at that time
-was our children. -Yeah.
And especially with the one who had a disease.
You know, in the back of your mind,
you're dealing with like, "who gave it to her?"
you know what I'm saying? It's that type of thing
and it's really crazy. It's like, how...
Should we have gotten genetic testing
before we got married?
And maybe we don't have good genes.
You know? And then they said,
"don't have another kid because that kid
-could have been worse." -if you do... Right.
And then we get pregnant with our third.
[laughs]
-ah. -And she doesn't have...
-She... No. She did not. -...A trace.
That's right. So we found out later
that my middle, um, vial daughter was a...
It was a spontaneous mutation.
And so, that was it but, um, you know,
she dealt with her condition just lifelong.
So our early years
-in our marriage was tough. -Yeah.
The day we got our son's autism diagnosis
was just probably one of the hardest days
in my life. I just remember
we went out to our car
and we just stood there
and we both just cried.
We were just devastated...
I mean, we had two daughters that we were all so excited.
This is ernest iii.
No, we didn't know much about autism,
how are we... I don't even know
if we do anything about it.
Uh, and it was... It was just a really,
kind of, gut-wrenching
thing to hear.
Uh...
And we right then jumped in, took about our horns
and, um, just studied
and just took it to another whole level.
Big thing that I credit her for was getting in there
and figuring out, uh, how to get him some assistance
early on, early intervention,
and that's been really critical
to the development of...
But that didn't happen right away.
I mean you, kind of, jumped into that part
where we were really good. I mean, in the early days,
it was really tough.
I couldn't say the word.
I was really sad about it.
I was depressed about it.
And we...
Remember we started getting those books.
We were like reading everything.
We were online. We were... We were just...
That's when I'm making simultaneous
with the emotional upheaval.
Um, she really took the labor on
in terms of the research and, um...
So he wants to make me the hero of this story
-[laughs]. -Well, I mean, both we met
the challenge together
but, uh, she has to be credited I think with, um,
leading the charge in terms of, kind of, figuring out
and, uh, getting some assistance
from a friend of hers and a particular doctor,
interventionist, um, to start to getting him assistance.
For me, um...
In all honesty,
I lived in a lot of fear.
Sydney has always been a...
Um...
-She's always been a... -Aw.
A turning point for me.
And I think that's why I deal with her
the way that I do
because... I could've lost her.
And again, I don't know what that look like.
I don't know how we could have handled that
but, um...
To this day, I guess, you know, uh,
she's like daddy's girl to me.
-Because I... -She is.
-She's... -Not like.
Whatever she needs, fine,
I'll do it because, um,
we were at that point,
at a... In our lives where
we didn't know from one day to another
if she was gonna be able to. But now...
But she also gave us that balance.
It was just like everything was based on her,
like our life literally took a turn.
And like I said, being a young couple,
we didn't know, um, the one way or the other
but, yeah, it was just... Yeah.
So I totally agree with that.
It was this balance
but we then saw hope through her.
So I was like, "okay, you know what?
We got this."
I remember somebody making the comment,
"oh, you're having a designer baby."
and I just, like, broke down
and he was just like,
"why do you care what these people think?
Like, anybody who loves you
wouldn't say something like that."
I think one of biggest things that
probably prevent people from getting a diagnosis
is the shame
and then the shame leads to isolation.
I remember we went to a birthday party,
he was on a preschool,
and it was at a gymnastic center.
And so, we were in a certain part of the center
and the other part of the center
they were having gymnastic classes
and marty wouldn't stay with the group.
He kept wanting to run off
to the other, uh, part of the gym
to watch what was happening with the other kids.
And it was really annoying the mother
who was hosting this party,
uh, so much so that, uh,
she didn't quite ask us to leave
but it felt like she really wanted us to leave.
And it was so painful for me
and I, kind of, cried and then I went to my car
and I was just, you know, "should I just leave?"
because I know she didn't want me to be there.
And marty couldn't partake with the other kids.
He wasn't playing the games with the other kids.
And, you know, I stopped and I said,
"you know what, if I leave this party now,
I'm gonna be leaving functions
for the rest of my life. I'm never going to be able
to do anything with my son."
and my son... She invited us
and there's nothing wrong with my son.
And so what if he wants to run over to the other side
and play with those kids? It's... And I just...
We walked back in and we stayed.
And it was those kinds of experiences
that helped me, I think,
become an advocate in this area
because there were so many small things.
I look back, I call them small now,
they weren't small at the time,
they were huge,
because everybody wants their kid to be accepted.
Nobody wants their kid to be the odd kid out.
And simple things like play dates,
nobody would invite him.
You know, he wouldn't get invited.
And so our family,
ernest was always like, you know,
"if you're gonna invite the martins,
the martins are all of us."
but that wasn't as easy for me.
If you want to consider having, um, a child
and you do have to have a fibroid surgery,
make sure you have a fertility doctor
do your surgery because they will reserve
-and preserve... -Yeah. Because they're more
conscious of what you need to actually become pregnant
in your lining,
which is all the stuff that we learned.
-Um... So, yes. -Come on with the md words
-over here. -So, yeah. So she had the...
-She had the surgery. Um... -So I had the surgery
and I went to lunch and come back home.
She went to lunch with a friend of ours.
The next morning I had cramps.
I was on the phone with a client
and even though I had the surgery
I hadn't told anybody about it.
-So I'm still on the phone... -She's great at that.
...Cramping and while I'm on the phone with her,
I'm also clotting out a lot of blood.
And in the midst of that, like I said, with fertility
and trying to get to that space,
I knew something was wrong because I then felt dizzy.
I was gonna lay down in the bathroom
-because that's how we got... -So I rush over there
to, um, help her out, to get a pillow.
And I realize as I pick her...
Because she was sitting on the...
-On the potty. -On... Yeah, on the potty.
And, um, so I went to pick her up
and literally, blood was pouring out of her
as I picked her up and I'm like,
"oh, my god." like, pouring out of.
And I'm... And she's like, "oh, I'm about to faint."
-and I passed out. [laughs] -and I'm like... I'm like, no.
I was like, you know... You know, stay...
-It was a lot of blood, yeah. -So I had to, um...
-You said it was a massacre. -It was... It was one
of the scariest days of my life because, I mean,
literally, we had to call the ambulance,
uh, because she had... She did...
-I was passed out, yeah. -...Kind of pass out.
When our daughter was first diagnosed,
it was the idea that it crossed my mind
that...
You know, I don't wanna be selfish in this,
but I did have dreams
that I think may not ever happen.
And it was just like,
"am I really... How do I settle gracefully
and still be a good partner in this relationship
when now I'm going to settle?"
I'm gonna take a back seat because
I'm needed in a different capacity
than what I imagine doing when I was a little girl.
And every goal that I had ever written down
and all of that stuff is ultimately
not going to happen.
Then when we were able to sit down
and have that conversation
about bringing forth my best self
and, you know, him doing the same thing,
it gave me hope and I realize
that you really can do it all.
It just doesn't have to look like everybody else.
-You just have to figure out -right.
-...What works best for us. -For us.
-Right. -And we have been really good
at figuring out what works for us
and not basing that on any other couple.
I didn't get postpartum.
But during my pregnancy, I dealt with depression
and it was this added guilt of,
"but you wanted this, but you tried five years
to get this, this is what you guys wanted."
and just nobody understanding me but him.
And him being like, "you're still a person.
You're still gonna have pains
that every other mom goes through,
whether you wanted this or not.
And-and that being grateful and being sad
or being hurt or anything,
those can exist in the same space."
there's a lot of people who will judge you
-when you're pregnant. -Yeah.
And you went through ifv
and you're like, "well, you wanted it.
Why are you complaining?
This is what you wanted."
-you pay for it. -And you do fight for it.
You pay for it all your life, and it just...
Still, you can still feel those same emotions
if you pay for it, if you didn't.
-Yeah. -If you got lucky
or you didn't get lucky, like,
it's just your... You can only be human.
-Right. -And that's what it is.
And another piece of the ivf,
everyone's so judgmental about ivf.
And I remember somebody making a comment,
"oh, you're having a designer baby."
and I just, like, broke down.
And he was just like,
"why do you care what these people think?
Like, anybody who loves you
wouldn't say something like that.
So stop thinking about what people who haven't..."
he's like, "everybody has an opinion, you know?
Like, don't worry about that."
and that's one of the things that I think
he's helped me with the most is to...
Stop caring about what other people think about you.
Yeah. Karl could make the most random crazy decision
and be okay with whatever came his way with it,
because he's happy with it.
And I admire that about him and I envy that about him.
-But it's been helping me... -You have to get in the boat.
Yeah. I gotta get on the boat.
Get on the boat.
Yeah. I was scared of water. [laughs]
-right. You got a life raft. -Right.
So then it got to be... We got to be like a joke.
Uh, you know, we could joke about it.
And we could laugh about it.
Uh, our church, go to a big black noisy church
and people would have the nerve to look at you
when marty's making noise.
And I would just stand there like, "really?
All this screaming going on this church
and marty is the problem?" [laughs] that's so...
After a while, the kids,
you know, I would go without them,
and it was the family and they would bring
their disabled kids, and a couple of unexpected,
but these kids are screaming and I would purposefully sit
by them even though I don't have marty with me.
And a girlfriend of mine was,
"why you always have to sit over there?"
I said so that I can stare back at the people
at this church with all their judgment
and make this family feel like it's okay
to be in this loud, noisy church,
and that these kids are okay to be here.
And so... But that took a lot of time,
it took a lot of courage and strength on my part
to get to that place,
not just stand up for marty,
I could stand up for that family and...
You know, the-the other work that I do, kind of,
you know, flows from there.
I got pregnant right after that
and then I had a miscarriage
which could've been two things, he said.
One that my lining wasn't healthy
or two, that my quality of eggs still isn't good.
So he said, "let's just take a break
and do ivf in the next three months.
We went back in January,
you know, the holiday's passed,
we're having a good time, you know,
enjoying one another.
And we go in January to start the ivf.
He's like, "okay, well, let me go in and..."
she had to do an exam. You know what I'm saying?
Before they start the process.
-So he wants to see... -Yeah.
You know, how she's naturally...
Whatever.
So he's recording
-the process of the... -Right.
Of-of dr. Haken and...
Yeah, because, you know, he's about to give us
the feedback on, you know, how...
-When we started. -Her lining
and when she restart, blah, blah, blah.
And in the process, he was like,
"do you hear that?" and we was like...
And it's like, boom, boom. I was like,
-"oh, my god. What is that?" -I thought it was
-my heartbeat. I was like... -She-she said...
-Yeah, she said... -I'm a little blondish.
She's like, "is that my heartbeat?"
I said, "is that my heartbeat?"
and he said, "yeah, it's a heartbeat.
But it's not yours.
"you're pregnant."
so not only was I pregnant,
-I didn't know I was pregnant. -And I was just shocked. I was like...
To the point of having a heartbeat.
Because this is the last thing we expected, we're expecting, "okay, well,
when are we gonna sign up to get these shots done?"
blah, blah, blah. And here we go...
But it's amazing what your body does
when you're told to just stop.
I went to that same bathroom afterwards and...
That I had collapsed at and I was like,
"thank you, lord. I hear you.
Not only do I hear you, I hear the heartbeat."
so the same place... I'm getting emotional.
The same place, it was actually the same room
that he told me the scenario was,
in the same bathroom I realize,
"wow, lot of times, you know, it's not about...
What you want, it's when god is ready to give it to you."
after all the ivf stuff,
if it didn't work,
I thought about...
-Maybe adoption. -Mmm-hmm.
Maybe, uh, a surrogate, you know?
Just all... Everything added then if nothing,
at the end of the day, nothing-nothing,
then...
Yeah, I would've been fine with that too.
I just wanted to make sure I can do everything
in my power to help my wife and, uh, achieve a goal.
Going through that process,
karl was very intentional about making me laugh.
He would find any...
I have videos of him just like...
Just doing silly things to just make me smile
when I was down or, like, in that long break that...
We took like a six or seven-month break...
-Mmm-hmm. -...Um, before the last time
that we tried it.
And we did what we were calling
the joys of infertility tour.
So we did all the things
you can't do when you're pregnant.
It was so fun and I think that that joy
played a large part in our success
in our last round.
I think I went into that last round
realizing how much fun that you can have
without a child.
You know, like, do we want a child? Absolutely.
But we can still enjoy our life.
And so I think that's what that showed me.
And I think it did lift a lot off of me
and I didn't go into that last round so, like,
-"oh, everything's on me." -mmm-hmm.
Like, if it doesn't work out,
it's my fault, you know?
It was just like... If it doesn't work out,
I know that I have a marriage
that can get through this.
I know that I have a marriage that is okay,
child or no child.
-Yes. -So...
People would talk about, "oh, marriage is work."
it's like... Like, it's arduous work,
like, you know, digging ditches
or something like that.
And so I don't think that
in our marriage is hard work.
I think it's work, meaning effort.
-Mmm-hmm. -That we have to be, uh...
You know, put effort and be mindful of what we want
and then put effort towards making that thing
-come into fruition every day. -Mmm-hmm.
I definitely think, um, being loved by my family
the way that I was loved just really unconditionally,
um, I never... Uh, I would always say,
and jason has a similar story,
I never had to come out, per se.
When it comes to my love for jason and loving him
a thousand percent completely,
it's the way that I was loved.
-Yeah, it's your experience. -It's my experience.
It's your... It's your experience.
It's the way that I was loved.
-Yeah. -So I'm giving him
what I got. I don't know any other way.
I think what's really beautiful is that
adair grew up in the bronx in new york.
I grew up in st. Louis, missouri
in the middle of america, right?
And you have these...
Exact experiences.
We had very important,
sensible, loving, smart parents
who decided to teach us
and love us fully, you know?
So that's all we know,
that's legit all we know.
And if it does not feel like that, let it come...
Let it be in a work relationship,
a friendship, and our marriage.
That is not where we need to exist.
It doesn't make any sense.
The way that I love adair
is the mirror of the way that I was taught to love.
And, you know, it... It's... It... So I...
What I'm excited about is the combination
of how he was taught love and how I was taught to love
and, like, how we can actually implement that
in another black... Little black boy's life.
It's gonna be epic. It's gonna be epic.
It's gonna be some obama-ness happening.
With a little bit of yara shahidi.
-Like, something like that. -Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.
[mellow music playing]
[man] I was just scared. I was just, like,
scared to mess it up, you know what I mean?
And not knowing if I was in a place to where I wouldn't.
I can't impose my will
on her or my beliefs and say,
"this is how it's going to be, or else."
because whenever you throw an "or else" in there,
then, you gonna get...
-Or else. Mmm-hmm. -...Or else.
But I remember going to the doctor and...
In there and, you know... I don't wanna stay
and, you know, we got kids
and it's just tough, it's...
The weight is heavy.
Um, but I stood.
I just said, "honey, I got to do it
so I can have myself back."
and, uh, we went through that.
I'd never seen him so afraid.
Like, that was the first time I've ever seen ron just...
I-I saw you just freak out.