1 00:00:01,202 --> 00:00:03,535 We were broke, like, we was struggling... 2 00:00:03,571 --> 00:00:04,837 -Yeah. -...In orange county. 3 00:00:04,872 --> 00:00:06,939 I remember one night, we had literally 4 00:00:06,974 --> 00:00:08,474 got coupons in the mail for, like, 5 00:00:08,509 --> 00:00:11,677 free mcmuffins, free orange juice, and eggs. 6 00:00:11,712 --> 00:00:13,612 And we were like, okay, we're gonna use this, 7 00:00:13,647 --> 00:00:15,981 and we went through all the change in our car, 8 00:00:16,017 --> 00:00:18,283 ashtray, picking up the mats, getting change. 9 00:00:18,319 --> 00:00:20,486 -Mmm-hmm. -We came up with $2.37, 10 00:00:20,521 --> 00:00:21,687 and we was like, we're gonna use this 11 00:00:21,722 --> 00:00:23,155 and go buy oodles of noodles... 12 00:00:23,190 --> 00:00:24,623 -[chuckles] -...And [laughs] use these... 13 00:00:24,658 --> 00:00:26,058 -Egg mcmuffins. -Yeah. 14 00:00:26,093 --> 00:00:28,293 Use these coupons so that we can make it 15 00:00:28,329 --> 00:00:30,662 to the next week, you know, until we get paid. 16 00:00:30,698 --> 00:00:33,499 If you give me $20, at the end of the week, I'll have 17. 17 00:00:33,534 --> 00:00:35,334 -He'll be asking me for three. -Mmm-hmm. 18 00:00:35,369 --> 00:00:36,702 So, we know that. 19 00:00:36,737 --> 00:00:39,171 So I'm like, if we do it that way, 20 00:00:39,206 --> 00:00:40,672 and I have money... My money up here 21 00:00:40,708 --> 00:00:42,508 and you're doing... And then you spent 22 00:00:42,543 --> 00:00:43,876 all your money, and I'm like, 23 00:00:43,911 --> 00:00:46,311 oh, let's go on a trip this summer. 24 00:00:46,347 --> 00:00:49,548 -And your account is zero. -Minus. 25 00:00:49,583 --> 00:00:51,150 Minus. [laughs] 26 00:00:51,185 --> 00:00:54,319 then, so maybe we wanna think of some other way 27 00:00:54,355 --> 00:00:55,888 to handle what's left over, 28 00:00:55,923 --> 00:00:57,856 once we pay all of our bills. 29 00:00:57,892 --> 00:00:59,658 I think at least five to six years 30 00:00:59,693 --> 00:01:01,093 before I got to a place where I was 31 00:01:01,128 --> 00:01:03,529 absolutely comfortable with saying 32 00:01:03,564 --> 00:01:05,330 she's in charge. 33 00:01:05,366 --> 00:01:07,099 I'm sure the first couple years, it was... 34 00:01:07,134 --> 00:01:09,401 It was more a conversation... Private conversation, 35 00:01:09,437 --> 00:01:10,936 -you in charge. -[laughs] 36 00:01:10,971 --> 00:01:12,938 um, but publicly, I wasn't gonna say that. 37 00:01:12,973 --> 00:01:14,373 -Right. -I wouldn't go say that to my boys, 38 00:01:14,408 --> 00:01:15,941 like, hey, you know, my wife is in charge 39 00:01:15,976 --> 00:01:17,376 and I got my allowance. 40 00:01:17,411 --> 00:01:19,912 But now, I'm 45, I tell people straight out, 41 00:01:19,947 --> 00:01:22,448 yeah, I got my allowance today, I'm good. 42 00:01:22,483 --> 00:01:25,484 [dramatic music playing] 43 00:01:54,315 --> 00:01:55,948 [tank] I've kind of been on my own time, 44 00:01:55,983 --> 00:01:58,884 doing my own thing, and now that we are married 45 00:01:58,919 --> 00:02:01,053 and now that we are sharing... 46 00:02:01,088 --> 00:02:04,623 Like, sharing everything, 47 00:02:04,658 --> 00:02:09,761 the idea of sharing everything is a very... 48 00:02:09,797 --> 00:02:13,265 Is a very immense concept that... 49 00:02:13,300 --> 00:02:15,000 Yeah, he wasn't a sharer. [laughs] 50 00:02:15,035 --> 00:02:17,970 ...That is tough 51 00:02:18,005 --> 00:02:20,906 to get a hold of, 52 00:02:20,941 --> 00:02:24,910 you know what I mean? Because, um, 53 00:02:24,945 --> 00:02:27,246 even, like, the business, I guess, 54 00:02:27,281 --> 00:02:30,115 kind of carries over into your personal, 55 00:02:30,151 --> 00:02:32,518 where, you know, like, I'm the owner of my business, 56 00:02:32,553 --> 00:02:34,920 I do things my way, I get up when I wanna get up, 57 00:02:34,955 --> 00:02:37,256 like, I move how I wanna move, you know what I mean? 58 00:02:37,291 --> 00:02:40,692 And so a lot of that carried over 59 00:02:40,728 --> 00:02:43,028 into us, 60 00:02:43,063 --> 00:02:44,596 like, you don't tell me what to do, 61 00:02:44,632 --> 00:02:46,431 like, I move where I move, you're not my mama, 62 00:02:46,467 --> 00:02:48,667 like, you're my woman, you know what I'm saying? 63 00:02:48,702 --> 00:02:50,002 Like... You know what I'm saying? 64 00:02:50,037 --> 00:02:51,937 Like, I got to get this money, okay? 65 00:02:51,972 --> 00:02:53,272 All right? You gonna get this money? 66 00:02:53,307 --> 00:02:55,040 No. Well, I'll get... Like, it's... 67 00:02:55,075 --> 00:02:57,809 And it's like... It's like, well, hold on, that's... 68 00:02:57,845 --> 00:03:00,812 And so, the idea of consideration, 69 00:03:00,848 --> 00:03:04,016 um, and her feelings completely 70 00:03:04,051 --> 00:03:06,952 and understanding that we are not separate anymore, 71 00:03:06,987 --> 00:03:11,390 we are one, um, it's still the process. 72 00:03:11,425 --> 00:03:13,225 So, real talk. 73 00:03:13,260 --> 00:03:15,561 I, um... 74 00:03:15,596 --> 00:03:17,462 [laughs] 75 00:03:17,498 --> 00:03:20,132 I left my mom's house 76 00:03:20,167 --> 00:03:21,700 and moved into the house we bought. 77 00:03:21,735 --> 00:03:24,469 I had gone from one situation, 78 00:03:24,505 --> 00:03:28,240 um, being a semi-independent adult 79 00:03:28,275 --> 00:03:30,475 to being a husband. 80 00:03:30,511 --> 00:03:33,312 Um, and that was scary and crazy, 81 00:03:33,347 --> 00:03:35,681 and she had been on her own for so long. 82 00:03:35,716 --> 00:03:37,516 We got married, I was 24, you were 29. 83 00:03:37,551 --> 00:03:40,052 -Yes. -Yeah. But it took... 84 00:03:40,087 --> 00:03:42,387 -Yeah. -It took time for me 85 00:03:42,423 --> 00:03:45,591 to get over my whole little ego spiel 86 00:03:45,626 --> 00:03:47,359 and realize that she's better 87 00:03:47,394 --> 00:03:48,894 at managing the checkbook, 88 00:03:48,929 --> 00:03:50,729 at, when it comes to taking care of the bills, 89 00:03:50,764 --> 00:03:52,064 making sure people get paid, 90 00:03:52,099 --> 00:03:53,365 making sure things happen, 91 00:03:53,400 --> 00:03:55,167 um, setting a payment plan, 92 00:03:55,202 --> 00:03:57,069 sticking to it, sticking to a budget, 93 00:03:57,104 --> 00:03:58,370 -that was her. -Yes. 94 00:03:58,405 --> 00:04:00,272 But, you know, me, I'm the man, 95 00:04:00,307 --> 00:04:01,607 don't tell me what to do, 96 00:04:01,642 --> 00:04:03,342 I'm still 20-something years old. 97 00:04:03,377 --> 00:04:06,545 It took me a little while to say, hey, you know what? 98 00:04:06,580 --> 00:04:08,347 For the sake of team radcliffe... 99 00:04:08,382 --> 00:04:10,115 -Yes. -...You're better at this, 100 00:04:10,150 --> 00:04:12,017 so you handle that, 101 00:04:12,052 --> 00:04:14,553 and you just tell me what we need to do, 102 00:04:14,588 --> 00:04:15,854 and I'll follow your lead on that. 103 00:04:15,889 --> 00:04:17,356 But it wasn't overnight. 104 00:04:17,391 --> 00:04:18,757 -No. -It wasn't overnight. 105 00:04:18,792 --> 00:04:20,092 -It took... -...Because you have to deal 106 00:04:20,127 --> 00:04:21,627 with that ego. 107 00:04:21,662 --> 00:04:23,362 You know, we've been together, 108 00:04:23,397 --> 00:04:26,798 uh, through some of my worst financial woes, 109 00:04:26,834 --> 00:04:28,934 you know what I mean, uh, and managing athletes 110 00:04:28,969 --> 00:04:30,769 for 20 years, you know. 111 00:04:30,804 --> 00:04:33,038 There's a period of time where I put my focus 112 00:04:33,073 --> 00:04:36,742 on working with younger, uh, athletes and kids 113 00:04:36,777 --> 00:04:38,810 that were barely... 114 00:04:38,846 --> 00:04:40,212 You know, I mean, they weren't projected 115 00:04:40,247 --> 00:04:41,980 to necessarily make it to the nba. 116 00:04:42,016 --> 00:04:44,750 I had really committed my time to kind of helping guys 117 00:04:44,785 --> 00:04:46,151 that were really on the borderline 118 00:04:46,186 --> 00:04:47,552 of having a career, 119 00:04:47,588 --> 00:04:50,055 and, uh, you know, that end up being... 120 00:04:50,090 --> 00:04:53,258 I mean, that and a client who did give a... 121 00:04:53,294 --> 00:04:55,727 To... Whatever... About paying his agent fees, 122 00:04:55,763 --> 00:04:56,995 and owed a lot of money. 123 00:04:57,031 --> 00:04:58,430 But that being said, uh, you know, 124 00:04:58,465 --> 00:05:01,166 I went through a period where, you know, um, 125 00:05:01,201 --> 00:05:03,335 man, the finances were non-existent... 126 00:05:03,370 --> 00:05:05,137 I mean, she made funds, she's like, yo, 127 00:05:05,172 --> 00:05:07,172 she's a very... She's like, your company, 128 00:05:07,207 --> 00:05:08,974 I mean, it's been great, you know what I'm saying? 129 00:05:09,009 --> 00:05:11,476 But it is now turned into a foundation. 130 00:05:11,512 --> 00:05:12,911 [laughs] you know what I mean? 131 00:05:12,946 --> 00:05:14,579 Which was heartbreaking for me... 132 00:05:14,615 --> 00:05:16,181 -[laughs] -...But the reality is, 133 00:05:16,216 --> 00:05:18,350 I mean, anything that you're working at daily, 134 00:05:18,385 --> 00:05:20,419 and you're not receiving 135 00:05:20,454 --> 00:05:22,354 financial compensation, you know what I'm saying, 136 00:05:22,389 --> 00:05:24,790 of some sort, to take care of what you need to take care. 137 00:05:24,825 --> 00:05:27,025 I mean, and it had become that, and it was... 138 00:05:27,061 --> 00:05:29,161 It was... It was heartbreaking to me because, 139 00:05:29,196 --> 00:05:32,264 you know, my job, and what I did 140 00:05:32,299 --> 00:05:34,499 was about helping, you know, 141 00:05:34,535 --> 00:05:36,702 which, majority are, young black men. 142 00:05:36,737 --> 00:05:39,338 When we moved in together, it was... 143 00:05:39,373 --> 00:05:41,940 -Some crazy circumstances. -...Moving across the country 144 00:05:41,975 --> 00:05:43,675 together, to laguna. 145 00:05:43,711 --> 00:05:46,378 -And, uh... -Orange county, california. 146 00:05:46,413 --> 00:05:47,713 Pursuit of her dream... 147 00:05:47,748 --> 00:05:49,181 -Yeah. -...Which is to be an actress. 148 00:05:49,216 --> 00:05:50,949 -Everybody were like... -Everybody's saying... 149 00:05:50,984 --> 00:05:52,117 -...Y'all crazy. -...Y'all crazy. 150 00:05:52,152 --> 00:05:53,185 -Yeah. Yeah. -Yeah. 151 00:05:53,220 --> 00:05:55,020 I know, with me, with my family, 152 00:05:55,055 --> 00:05:59,624 it was, boy, you whipped, you know. 153 00:05:59,660 --> 00:06:01,460 They used a little bit of different language, 154 00:06:01,495 --> 00:06:03,628 but, you know, that's the nature of it. 155 00:06:03,664 --> 00:06:08,633 That's what they were saying, but yeah, they was, like, uh, 156 00:06:08,669 --> 00:06:11,036 you sure you going out here for the right reasons, 157 00:06:11,071 --> 00:06:13,038 and it's because you ain't lived enough? 158 00:06:13,073 --> 00:06:14,473 -Because I was already there. -Yeah. 159 00:06:14,508 --> 00:06:16,208 I had moved three months before. 160 00:06:16,243 --> 00:06:17,676 -Uh-hmm. -So I decided, 161 00:06:17,711 --> 00:06:19,077 I'm going to california, 162 00:06:19,113 --> 00:06:21,012 and you do what you're gonna do 163 00:06:21,048 --> 00:06:22,981 or you come and move with me, you know? 164 00:06:23,016 --> 00:06:24,216 And so I went first, 165 00:06:24,251 --> 00:06:25,417 and I was there for a couple months. 166 00:06:25,452 --> 00:06:26,985 I didn't tell him how bad it was, 167 00:06:27,020 --> 00:06:28,553 I was renting this room, but this woman was taking 168 00:06:28,589 --> 00:06:30,322 all my money, I was working two jobs, 169 00:06:30,357 --> 00:06:33,358 nowhere near la, ain't doing nobody acting, okay? 170 00:06:33,394 --> 00:06:36,027 [laughs] couldn't even find la on my own, okay? 171 00:06:36,063 --> 00:06:39,865 Um, but I just knew I wanted him to be with me, 172 00:06:39,900 --> 00:06:41,733 and plan was, he was gonna come out, 173 00:06:41,769 --> 00:06:44,236 and we would go get our own apartment in la. 174 00:06:44,271 --> 00:06:46,171 But I ain't tell him that I can't afford 175 00:06:46,206 --> 00:06:48,407 to even save a dollar, really, right? 176 00:06:48,442 --> 00:06:50,776 -Set a brother up. -And so when he got here, 177 00:06:50,811 --> 00:06:53,078 you know, when he got to laguna, 178 00:06:53,113 --> 00:06:54,946 you know, after three months of me being here, 179 00:06:54,982 --> 00:06:57,582 he was like, girl, this crazy, what you doing? 180 00:06:57,618 --> 00:06:59,284 He was like, no, we need to save up money 181 00:06:59,319 --> 00:07:01,119 and move back to north carolina, 182 00:07:01,155 --> 00:07:03,455 and then save up there because it's cheaper. 183 00:07:03,490 --> 00:07:05,791 And then move to la after one year, 184 00:07:05,826 --> 00:07:08,059 and then you can really pursue your acting. 185 00:07:08,095 --> 00:07:11,897 And I thought, okay, well, sound like a good plan. 186 00:07:11,932 --> 00:07:13,598 And the one-year plan turned into, 187 00:07:13,634 --> 00:07:15,467 -of course, five years... -Yeah. 188 00:07:15,502 --> 00:07:17,469 ...And a baby, and we got married, 189 00:07:17,504 --> 00:07:20,906 and I completely forgot about my dream of acting. 190 00:07:20,941 --> 00:07:22,908 I convinced myself I couldn't have it, so... 191 00:07:22,943 --> 00:07:26,611 Um, but yeah, we struggled 192 00:07:26,647 --> 00:07:29,214 for a very long time. 193 00:07:29,249 --> 00:07:34,286 Karl came from six brothers and sisters, 194 00:07:34,321 --> 00:07:35,620 things being rationed out, 195 00:07:35,656 --> 00:07:37,722 but, like, always taken care of. 196 00:07:37,758 --> 00:07:40,158 -Mmm-hmm. -So he never felt lack, 197 00:07:40,194 --> 00:07:43,128 and he saw that done with little. 198 00:07:43,163 --> 00:07:45,330 I came from, like, having what I needed 199 00:07:45,365 --> 00:07:46,832 and it was only the two of us, 200 00:07:46,867 --> 00:07:50,302 and so money never really meant much to me, 201 00:07:50,337 --> 00:07:53,071 but karl, once he got out there 202 00:07:53,106 --> 00:07:54,739 and started making his money, 203 00:07:54,775 --> 00:07:56,241 it was important to him. 204 00:07:56,276 --> 00:07:59,010 And it was needed to be saved and held onto, 205 00:07:59,046 --> 00:08:01,780 and I'm like, you could die tomorrow, 206 00:08:01,815 --> 00:08:04,950 like, live your life, spend your money, like... 207 00:08:04,985 --> 00:08:07,118 And a little of that, I had to pull back on, right? 208 00:08:07,154 --> 00:08:08,420 Because at some point, you have to learn 209 00:08:08,455 --> 00:08:09,788 to be an adult and save. 210 00:08:09,823 --> 00:08:12,858 But when he met me, I was just like... 211 00:08:12,893 --> 00:08:15,427 -She made her own money. -I was my own trick. 212 00:08:15,462 --> 00:08:17,329 -Yeah, yeah. -Like, I was just like tricking by herself, 213 00:08:17,364 --> 00:08:18,797 like, I was just, like, 214 00:08:18,832 --> 00:08:20,365 oh, I bought this for you, right? 215 00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:22,133 And just leaving some for myself on the counter, 216 00:08:22,169 --> 00:08:24,536 like, I would just... And a part of it 217 00:08:24,571 --> 00:08:25,971 was my depression. 218 00:08:26,006 --> 00:08:28,974 A part of it was me retail therapying myself 219 00:08:29,009 --> 00:08:31,443 -out of, like, sad moments? -Mmm-hmm. 220 00:08:31,478 --> 00:08:33,278 And I think that that dwindled 221 00:08:33,313 --> 00:08:34,546 the longer we were married, 222 00:08:34,581 --> 00:08:37,048 and came back during certain times 223 00:08:37,084 --> 00:08:39,551 because when we're going through infertility, 224 00:08:39,586 --> 00:08:41,019 the amazon man knew me by name, 225 00:08:41,054 --> 00:08:43,154 like, because I was just... 226 00:08:43,190 --> 00:08:44,656 I would shop through my problems. 227 00:08:44,691 --> 00:08:46,791 I think people especially think 228 00:08:46,827 --> 00:08:48,460 when you're over 40 229 00:08:48,495 --> 00:08:51,296 and you got two people who are working in careers, 230 00:08:51,331 --> 00:08:53,999 and they come together that money is a problem, 231 00:08:54,034 --> 00:08:57,569 money's never been a problem in our, uh, marriage, 232 00:08:57,604 --> 00:09:00,405 because like she said, I knew I was bad with it, 233 00:09:00,440 --> 00:09:02,240 she knew she was good with it. 234 00:09:02,276 --> 00:09:04,576 Uh, like viola davis said, 235 00:09:04,611 --> 00:09:06,645 when I came, my credit was horrible. 236 00:09:06,680 --> 00:09:08,213 -[laughs] -I like to say now, 237 00:09:08,248 --> 00:09:10,382 I have some of the best credit I've ever had... 238 00:09:10,417 --> 00:09:11,850 His credit is better than mine. 239 00:09:11,885 --> 00:09:13,885 ...Because, you know, 240 00:09:13,921 --> 00:09:15,820 she said, trust the process. 241 00:09:15,856 --> 00:09:18,223 And I have an allowance, you know. 242 00:09:18,258 --> 00:09:19,824 At first, I hated that, 243 00:09:19,860 --> 00:09:22,894 but there's nothing that I don't want for, 244 00:09:22,930 --> 00:09:24,496 you know, the allowance, actually... 245 00:09:24,531 --> 00:09:27,432 Because she asked me, she said, okay, if I... 246 00:09:27,467 --> 00:09:28,867 We sat down, she said, 247 00:09:28,902 --> 00:09:31,036 how much do you think you need to spend? 248 00:09:31,071 --> 00:09:32,404 So me being uh, you know... 249 00:09:32,439 --> 00:09:35,073 Oh, I said, I need $200 a month. 250 00:09:35,108 --> 00:09:37,175 She said, okay, you know what? I'mma give you... 251 00:09:37,210 --> 00:09:39,911 I'mma give you $300 a month, 252 00:09:39,947 --> 00:09:42,881 that way, you know, you won't be dipping into it. 253 00:09:42,916 --> 00:09:45,417 You know, $300 a month is actually more than enough 254 00:09:45,452 --> 00:09:47,052 because, you know, we get paid every two weeks, 255 00:09:47,087 --> 00:09:49,187 so I'm getting a hundred and fifty dollars 256 00:09:49,222 --> 00:09:52,457 every two weeks. So, uh... 257 00:09:52,492 --> 00:09:53,959 -Nothing goes in... -And... 258 00:09:53,994 --> 00:09:55,694 You know, like, I don't dip into the house. 259 00:09:55,729 --> 00:09:57,395 Now, every now and then, she get on me, 260 00:09:57,431 --> 00:09:59,097 she'd be like, how much money you got in your account? 261 00:09:59,132 --> 00:10:01,700 -[laughs] -I'm like, why? It's my account. 262 00:10:01,735 --> 00:10:04,903 But... And just say that that $300 a month 263 00:10:04,938 --> 00:10:06,805 is just discretionary, whatever. 264 00:10:06,840 --> 00:10:08,073 -Yeah. -It's like, you know, 265 00:10:08,108 --> 00:10:10,075 there's all other kinds of stuff 266 00:10:10,110 --> 00:10:11,543 that comes out of that, that's not clothes 267 00:10:11,578 --> 00:10:13,078 or shoes or whatever. 268 00:10:13,113 --> 00:10:15,313 That's, you know, his 7-eleven runs 269 00:10:15,349 --> 00:10:16,881 -or fishing gear or... -Yeah. 270 00:10:16,917 --> 00:10:18,883 He's a hobby... He's a hobby hopper. 271 00:10:18,919 --> 00:10:21,252 So this... His current hobby is fishing. 272 00:10:21,288 --> 00:10:24,756 It's about 2,500 fishing reels and bobbers. 273 00:10:24,791 --> 00:10:26,291 So that's just... 274 00:10:26,326 --> 00:10:28,727 Do whatever you want with that... With that... 275 00:10:28,762 --> 00:10:30,495 -Uh, with that money. -Shoe money. It's shoe money. 276 00:10:30,530 --> 00:10:32,464 Oh, yeah, he'll buy shoes, too, a lot of shoes. 277 00:10:32,499 --> 00:10:33,598 But you buy shoes, too. 278 00:10:33,634 --> 00:10:34,966 -Well... Okay. -Okay. 279 00:10:35,002 --> 00:10:36,468 In the beginning, we did one account. 280 00:10:36,503 --> 00:10:38,903 -Right. -But I was burning 281 00:10:38,939 --> 00:10:41,506 my atm card up bad, real bad. 282 00:10:41,541 --> 00:10:42,774 And so... 283 00:10:42,809 --> 00:10:44,476 Yeah. And I would be like... 284 00:10:44,511 --> 00:10:46,144 But she's also ocd 285 00:10:46,179 --> 00:10:47,412 when it comes to certain stuff, 286 00:10:47,447 --> 00:10:49,981 so I would be at the restaurant 287 00:10:50,017 --> 00:10:51,583 with my boys, 288 00:10:51,618 --> 00:10:53,918 and I would literally have just swiped my card, 289 00:10:53,954 --> 00:10:55,320 and I get a phone call. 290 00:10:55,355 --> 00:10:57,255 Um, what's this 13 dollars and 53 cents 291 00:10:57,290 --> 00:10:58,757 you just spend at... 292 00:10:58,792 --> 00:11:01,693 I'm like, cia up in this piece? 293 00:11:01,728 --> 00:11:03,261 -[laughs] -yeah. 294 00:11:03,296 --> 00:11:05,430 So, it took a long time for you to tell me. 295 00:11:05,465 --> 00:11:06,931 Yeah. Because I always knew 296 00:11:06,967 --> 00:11:09,434 what we needed... What we needed to pay out. 297 00:11:09,469 --> 00:11:10,935 He didn't. 298 00:11:10,971 --> 00:11:12,504 -So, it's just like... -Nope. 299 00:11:12,539 --> 00:11:14,606 ...If he's gonna write a check 300 00:11:14,641 --> 00:11:16,174 or he's gonna spend money, it's like, 301 00:11:16,209 --> 00:11:18,510 we need to... We need to run that by each other. 302 00:11:18,545 --> 00:11:20,712 Now, but he will say that I just do it 303 00:11:20,747 --> 00:11:22,514 -without him knowing. -Yeah. 304 00:11:22,549 --> 00:11:24,516 -Because I always knew... -Yeah, see that's... 305 00:11:24,551 --> 00:11:26,051 -...What was available. -That's the flip side. 306 00:11:26,086 --> 00:11:28,053 So that was... That was the... 307 00:11:28,088 --> 00:11:30,055 So it took me, like, five to six years to say... 308 00:11:30,090 --> 00:11:31,723 To relinquish control, 309 00:11:31,758 --> 00:11:35,060 but then it took maybe another five years 310 00:11:35,095 --> 00:11:36,961 for me to be able to articulate 311 00:11:36,997 --> 00:11:39,297 -how I was feeling about it. -Yeah. 312 00:11:39,332 --> 00:11:41,800 I have... I had to have about a couple hundred thousand, 313 00:11:41,835 --> 00:11:46,805 and I had about $3,500 left in the bank. 314 00:11:46,840 --> 00:11:48,573 I was like, 315 00:11:48,608 --> 00:11:49,874 I have really spent all my money 316 00:11:49,910 --> 00:11:53,044 at the strip club? 317 00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:54,579 -Stupid. -That's... Yeah. 318 00:11:54,614 --> 00:11:56,114 [laughs] 319 00:11:57,784 --> 00:12:00,518 I have the... You know, this alter ego, 320 00:12:00,554 --> 00:12:02,721 -his name is frank the tank. -[chuckles] 321 00:12:02,756 --> 00:12:06,024 so we never want frank the tank... 322 00:12:06,059 --> 00:12:08,093 -[laughter] -...To come out, 323 00:12:08,128 --> 00:12:09,360 -because... -[producer laughs] 324 00:12:09,396 --> 00:12:10,895 ...Frank the tank is a wild boy. 325 00:12:10,931 --> 00:12:12,864 [laughs] 326 00:12:12,899 --> 00:12:14,599 we don't... We don't want frank... 327 00:12:14,634 --> 00:12:17,302 Like, frank the tank... 328 00:12:17,337 --> 00:12:18,536 I remember... I remember one day, 329 00:12:18,572 --> 00:12:19,938 I woke up, and this is... 330 00:12:19,973 --> 00:12:23,608 Yeah, this is early, um, when I first started 331 00:12:23,643 --> 00:12:25,877 getting my little bit of money. 332 00:12:25,912 --> 00:12:28,146 And I woke up, 333 00:12:28,181 --> 00:12:30,048 and I was sleeping on the floor, 334 00:12:30,083 --> 00:12:31,983 in my mama house. 335 00:12:32,018 --> 00:12:35,553 I had a bunch... Pairs of shoes, 336 00:12:35,589 --> 00:12:38,590 um, no car, 337 00:12:38,625 --> 00:12:40,125 and I checked my account. And I had... 338 00:12:40,160 --> 00:12:42,227 I had to have about a couple hundred thousand, 339 00:12:42,262 --> 00:12:47,298 and I had about $3,500 left in the bank. 340 00:12:47,334 --> 00:12:49,134 And I was like, 341 00:12:49,169 --> 00:12:50,401 I've really spent all my money 342 00:12:50,437 --> 00:12:53,638 at the strip club? 343 00:12:53,673 --> 00:12:55,073 -Stupid. -That's... Yeah. 344 00:12:55,108 --> 00:12:56,641 [laughs] 345 00:12:56,676 --> 00:12:58,643 I've really spent 346 00:12:58,678 --> 00:13:00,678 all my money at the strip club. 347 00:13:00,714 --> 00:13:04,949 And you'd think that that would have taught me 348 00:13:04,985 --> 00:13:07,085 not to do that again. 349 00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:10,188 -Wrong. -[laughs] 350 00:13:10,223 --> 00:13:14,359 wrong, see, because now, I moved to la. 351 00:13:14,394 --> 00:13:16,661 These are different strip clubs. 352 00:13:16,696 --> 00:13:19,364 And they have to know my name. 353 00:13:19,399 --> 00:13:20,799 -So you got to do it all over? -I got to do it. 354 00:13:20,834 --> 00:13:22,767 [laughter] 355 00:13:22,803 --> 00:13:27,038 he's the type that he will... 356 00:13:27,073 --> 00:13:28,807 Not buy anything, 357 00:13:28,842 --> 00:13:31,142 and then come home with a $12,000 motorcycle. 358 00:13:31,178 --> 00:13:32,710 -And you're like... -Yeah. Hey... 359 00:13:32,746 --> 00:13:35,380 -Excuse me? Excuse me? What? -That's a good buy. 360 00:13:35,415 --> 00:13:38,283 But will check me on the six amazon packages 361 00:13:38,318 --> 00:13:40,885 that totaled $36, that are on our... 362 00:13:40,921 --> 00:13:42,854 -On our front steps. -First of all, 363 00:13:42,889 --> 00:13:45,190 you ain't never bought six amazon packages 364 00:13:45,225 --> 00:13:47,492 that totaled up to $36, like... 365 00:13:47,527 --> 00:13:50,128 What I... We just differ in how we spend money. 366 00:13:50,163 --> 00:13:52,030 I spend in little bits here and there 367 00:13:52,065 --> 00:13:54,232 that add up to a lot. And he will go out 368 00:13:54,267 --> 00:13:55,533 -and just... -That add up to $12,000. 369 00:13:55,569 --> 00:13:56,835 -Yeah. They probably do. -Yeah. 370 00:13:56,870 --> 00:13:58,970 They probably do. But I think 371 00:13:59,005 --> 00:14:01,239 because he sees it so much 372 00:14:01,274 --> 00:14:03,208 he's like you're spending a lot, you know, 373 00:14:03,243 --> 00:14:04,342 and I'm like, not really. 374 00:14:04,377 --> 00:14:06,644 And I have an amazon therapy 375 00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:09,080 that I do, where I shop. 376 00:14:09,115 --> 00:14:11,316 -That is the worst... -[laughs] 377 00:14:11,351 --> 00:14:13,685 -...Saving... -I shop just for fun. 378 00:14:13,720 --> 00:14:15,053 And then at the end of the month I have a lot 379 00:14:15,088 --> 00:14:16,554 of things that I don't end up needing, 380 00:14:16,590 --> 00:14:18,823 like, I'll buy a six outfits for one thing. 381 00:14:18,859 --> 00:14:20,158 And then I return five of them 382 00:14:20,193 --> 00:14:21,426 and then it's like a savings account, 383 00:14:21,461 --> 00:14:22,861 because at the end of the month 384 00:14:22,896 --> 00:14:25,063 that money is back in my account, right? 385 00:14:25,098 --> 00:14:27,165 And then I just transfer it into to my savings. 386 00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:28,666 I'm like I didn't use that money. 387 00:14:28,702 --> 00:14:31,870 That is the worst saving account idea ever. 388 00:14:31,905 --> 00:14:34,672 But if I like I got to spend it already 389 00:14:34,708 --> 00:14:36,007 and then at the end of the month 390 00:14:36,042 --> 00:14:37,342 it's back on my savings account, 391 00:14:37,377 --> 00:14:39,544 -why does it matter? -It matters... 392 00:14:39,579 --> 00:14:41,412 I'll tell you why. It matters... 393 00:14:41,448 --> 00:14:43,047 Notice his hand came from away from me. 394 00:14:43,083 --> 00:14:44,682 I'm glad... I'm glad we're talking about this. 395 00:14:44,718 --> 00:14:46,351 He was cuddled up and now we talk about finances... 396 00:14:46,386 --> 00:14:47,552 -Oh. -His hands are over there. 397 00:14:47,587 --> 00:14:49,020 [laughs] 398 00:14:49,055 --> 00:14:52,290 if you're putting away $300 a month. 399 00:14:52,325 --> 00:14:54,125 -Mmm-hmm. -For your amazon purchases. 400 00:14:54,160 --> 00:14:56,594 And you're spending years-- year and you're returning 401 00:14:56,630 --> 00:14:57,896 and you're getting the money back. 402 00:14:57,931 --> 00:14:59,964 -Right. -And it goes a whole year 403 00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:01,599 -of doing this, right? -Uh-huh. 404 00:15:01,635 --> 00:15:04,936 And your savings account is like at 3000 or 36, 405 00:15:04,971 --> 00:15:07,939 -I wouldn't say anything. -Yeah. 406 00:15:07,974 --> 00:15:09,908 But if it's still at about the same amount 407 00:15:09,943 --> 00:15:11,442 when it started at the beginning of the year... 408 00:15:11,478 --> 00:15:13,711 -[laughs] -you ain't doing much saving. 409 00:15:13,747 --> 00:15:16,581 But that's because it's a... It's a process. 410 00:15:16,616 --> 00:15:18,316 -Is that right? -It just... It is. Like and... 411 00:15:18,351 --> 00:15:19,884 -Shopping. -And there's something to be said 412 00:15:19,920 --> 00:15:22,320 about being up at 2:00 am nursing. 413 00:15:22,355 --> 00:15:24,122 -And all of you have there... -You were doing this... 414 00:15:24,157 --> 00:15:25,990 -...Is this phone. -You were doing this before the baby. 415 00:15:26,026 --> 00:15:27,392 I know but now I have an excuse. 416 00:15:27,427 --> 00:15:29,727 [laughs] 417 00:15:29,763 --> 00:15:32,563 I did... I did it before, yeah. 418 00:15:32,599 --> 00:15:33,932 No, I have a problem. 419 00:15:33,967 --> 00:15:35,733 When you're in charge, whether... 420 00:15:35,769 --> 00:15:37,502 Whoever in the relationship, when... If you're the one 421 00:15:37,537 --> 00:15:39,938 that's writing the checks, you know what's in the account. 422 00:15:39,973 --> 00:15:41,506 You know what's not in the account, 423 00:15:41,541 --> 00:15:44,342 so when you're the other person, there's a... 424 00:15:44,377 --> 00:15:45,977 There's a level of humility like, 425 00:15:46,012 --> 00:15:50,281 hey, can I have $30 to go buy some drawers, you know. 426 00:15:50,317 --> 00:15:52,317 [laughs] can I go buy some socks, 427 00:15:52,352 --> 00:15:53,952 you know, you... It can be demeaning, 428 00:15:53,987 --> 00:15:56,120 it can be, you know, it makes you feel 429 00:15:56,156 --> 00:15:57,789 almost like child, right? 430 00:15:57,824 --> 00:16:00,358 And then the other person because they have control, 431 00:16:00,393 --> 00:16:01,759 they see it. 432 00:16:01,795 --> 00:16:02,927 When they would need to do something 433 00:16:02,963 --> 00:16:04,429 -they just make a move. -Right. 434 00:16:04,464 --> 00:16:06,664 So it felt for a long time like, 435 00:16:06,700 --> 00:16:08,967 oh, you just get to go spend whatever you want to. 436 00:16:09,002 --> 00:16:12,103 I come, you got boxes and bags. 437 00:16:12,138 --> 00:16:13,638 And I got to ask for permission 438 00:16:13,673 --> 00:16:15,673 to go get some da-don-de-dons, you know? 439 00:16:15,709 --> 00:16:18,109 But everything was always taken care of. 440 00:16:18,144 --> 00:16:19,644 -It was. -And everything, but I understand... 441 00:16:19,679 --> 00:16:21,145 -But the freedom... -...What you're saying. 442 00:16:21,181 --> 00:16:23,548 Yeah. I felt like I had to ask permission. 443 00:16:23,583 --> 00:16:25,984 And I felt like you was just balling out. 444 00:16:26,019 --> 00:16:27,618 And that wasn't necessarily the case, 445 00:16:27,654 --> 00:16:29,554 but that was my perception. 446 00:16:29,589 --> 00:16:32,056 Even though I will say 447 00:16:32,092 --> 00:16:34,692 you did spend I a little more freer than I did, 448 00:16:34,728 --> 00:16:36,494 -'cause you saw it. -Yes. 449 00:16:36,529 --> 00:16:38,029 So by the time I got to whatever 450 00:16:38,064 --> 00:16:39,564 I've got a list of stuff in my head. 451 00:16:39,599 --> 00:16:41,165 I know I need to get a pair of shoes, I need... 452 00:16:41,201 --> 00:16:42,667 And I don't say anything because I'm figuring 453 00:16:42,702 --> 00:16:44,035 things were tight. 454 00:16:44,070 --> 00:16:45,636 And then I see you got bags, like well, 455 00:16:45,672 --> 00:16:47,038 hey, I need a little something. 456 00:16:47,073 --> 00:16:48,706 But by then we're like, oh, well, we got $63 457 00:16:48,742 --> 00:16:50,708 till next pay day. I'm like, 458 00:16:50,744 --> 00:16:52,510 -oh, thank you. -That's real too. 459 00:16:52,545 --> 00:16:53,811 [laughs] 460 00:16:53,847 --> 00:16:56,014 I always know what was available so... 461 00:16:56,049 --> 00:16:57,415 Yeah, and I didn't know it was problem 462 00:16:57,450 --> 00:16:59,317 until I knew it was problem 463 00:16:59,352 --> 00:17:01,219 'cause he didn't say that right off. 464 00:17:01,254 --> 00:17:02,887 I think it was just kind of doing like this. 465 00:17:02,922 --> 00:17:04,489 And then it was to find the words to say it. 466 00:17:04,524 --> 00:17:06,024 And then I felt like when I was initially saying 467 00:17:06,059 --> 00:17:07,692 something it wasn't being heard, 468 00:17:07,727 --> 00:17:09,327 so I'm trying to find a way to say it 469 00:17:09,362 --> 00:17:11,863 effectively without sounding like a spoiled brat. 470 00:17:11,898 --> 00:17:15,099 I saw his financial component waning, 471 00:17:15,135 --> 00:17:16,734 his health deteriorated. 472 00:17:16,770 --> 00:17:18,503 -His... -Yeah. My health got bad. 473 00:17:18,538 --> 00:17:20,171 His mannerisms changed. 474 00:17:20,206 --> 00:17:22,240 I had a auto immune disease and didn't know it. 475 00:17:22,275 --> 00:17:24,208 He was jekyll and hyde. 476 00:17:25,612 --> 00:17:26,511 He gave his all to all of his clients, 477 00:17:26,546 --> 00:17:27,812 whether they were nba champions or not. 478 00:17:27,847 --> 00:17:31,516 And when I saw his financial component waning, 479 00:17:31,551 --> 00:17:33,184 his health deteriorated. 480 00:17:33,219 --> 00:17:34,852 -His... -Yeah. My health got bad. 481 00:17:34,888 --> 00:17:36,421 His mannerisms changed. 482 00:17:36,456 --> 00:17:38,556 I had a auto immune disease and didn't know it. 483 00:17:38,591 --> 00:17:41,426 -He was jekyll and hyde. -And, um... 484 00:17:41,461 --> 00:17:43,361 So, you know, distressed. I mean, stress is a killer. 485 00:17:43,396 --> 00:17:45,496 So, you know, I'm dealing with all this financial stress. 486 00:17:45,532 --> 00:17:48,166 And, you know, I mean this is the first time 487 00:17:48,201 --> 00:17:50,535 in I don't know how long that I have not been 488 00:17:50,570 --> 00:17:52,937 able to maintain and take care... 489 00:17:52,972 --> 00:17:55,039 I mean, live beyond what I want to do 490 00:17:55,075 --> 00:17:56,707 and take care of myself. 491 00:17:56,743 --> 00:17:58,276 Working in an entertainment industry, 492 00:17:58,311 --> 00:18:00,445 it is no such thing as security. There is no... 493 00:18:00,480 --> 00:18:02,013 I mean it's hills and valleys, and everything. 494 00:18:02,048 --> 00:18:03,214 There's no such thing as a foundation 495 00:18:03,249 --> 00:18:04,715 'cause you create your own. 496 00:18:04,751 --> 00:18:06,184 But the foundation you create are the people 497 00:18:06,219 --> 00:18:07,552 that you stand with. 498 00:18:07,587 --> 00:18:09,554 And for me standing with him meant that 499 00:18:09,589 --> 00:18:13,357 even when his resources and finances were... 500 00:18:13,393 --> 00:18:14,759 How do you say... 501 00:18:14,794 --> 00:18:17,862 ...Were non-existent, I paid his bills. 502 00:18:17,897 --> 00:18:19,430 You know what I mean? I made sure he was good 503 00:18:19,466 --> 00:18:21,866 so that he can have the mentality, the mental to... 504 00:18:21,901 --> 00:18:23,534 The mental space to clear his mind and figure out 505 00:18:23,570 --> 00:18:25,403 what is my transition, you know. 506 00:18:25,438 --> 00:18:27,538 And it wasn't that he wasn't making money. 507 00:18:27,574 --> 00:18:29,440 The money wasn't coming in because if those guys 508 00:18:29,476 --> 00:18:30,908 don't pay their dues, he don't get paid. 509 00:18:30,944 --> 00:18:32,410 Yeah. If they don't pay the agent fees, 510 00:18:32,445 --> 00:18:33,711 -I don't get paid. -So there was months 511 00:18:33,746 --> 00:18:35,046 that he went without getting paid. 512 00:18:35,081 --> 00:18:36,447 And eventually I was like I got you, 513 00:18:36,483 --> 00:18:38,449 whatever we need to do, you know, let me... 514 00:18:38,485 --> 00:18:39,650 Let me do it. And at times you were like 515 00:18:39,686 --> 00:18:40,818 okay, now, wait a minute now. 516 00:18:40,854 --> 00:18:42,820 Last year I was repositioned 517 00:18:42,856 --> 00:18:46,424 out of a job that I thought I was going to retire in. 518 00:18:46,459 --> 00:18:50,261 And to call erica took a lot 519 00:18:50,296 --> 00:18:53,431 to walk from that gate to my car. 520 00:18:53,466 --> 00:18:56,734 And erica said to me, 521 00:18:56,769 --> 00:18:58,002 just get in the car and come home. 522 00:18:58,037 --> 00:18:59,337 I'll meet you at home. 523 00:18:59,372 --> 00:19:02,240 And then I wanted to sit here. 524 00:19:02,275 --> 00:19:05,243 I wanted to have penny party and she was like 525 00:19:05,278 --> 00:19:08,279 okay, let me show you this, this, this 526 00:19:08,314 --> 00:19:10,081 will all be taken care of, 527 00:19:10,116 --> 00:19:12,116 don't worry about it, okay? 528 00:19:12,152 --> 00:19:14,152 Just 'cause somebody else didn't see your value, 529 00:19:14,187 --> 00:19:17,355 please don't put, you know, a whole bunch into that. 530 00:19:17,390 --> 00:19:19,824 As I was looking for another job, 531 00:19:19,859 --> 00:19:23,027 you know, I was in a funk, 532 00:19:23,062 --> 00:19:25,296 but she never was and she would always 533 00:19:25,331 --> 00:19:28,933 come on, you know, let's, you know... 534 00:19:28,968 --> 00:19:31,202 Let's do this, let's do that. 535 00:19:31,237 --> 00:19:33,271 I know that she has my back. 536 00:19:33,306 --> 00:19:35,339 I know that there's no situation, 537 00:19:35,375 --> 00:19:37,975 you know, unless it's something that... 538 00:19:38,011 --> 00:19:41,479 Like, early on we also wrote down deal breakers. 539 00:19:41,514 --> 00:19:43,881 I know what I need not do, 540 00:19:43,917 --> 00:19:48,119 you know, to lose my wife's support, confidence. 541 00:19:48,154 --> 00:19:49,720 Anything else is open game. 542 00:19:49,756 --> 00:19:52,490 When I was officiating football it was her 543 00:19:52,525 --> 00:19:54,859 who said so you want to move to the next level 544 00:19:54,894 --> 00:19:56,394 but you just not really doing it, 545 00:19:56,429 --> 00:19:58,362 so I started going to football camps. 546 00:19:58,398 --> 00:20:00,198 You know, when I didn't get picked up, 547 00:20:00,233 --> 00:20:03,868 you know, by she was like okay, you know, 548 00:20:03,903 --> 00:20:05,403 there's next year. 549 00:20:05,438 --> 00:20:08,072 You know, she was always there, always there. 550 00:20:08,107 --> 00:20:09,907 It seemed like every year and half I was going 551 00:20:09,943 --> 00:20:12,076 to a different job and I needed something more stable, 552 00:20:12,111 --> 00:20:14,312 so I mean we've gone through this ebbs and flows. 553 00:20:14,347 --> 00:20:16,414 And then there was a season where we were both 554 00:20:16,449 --> 00:20:17,715 working for the sheriff's department 555 00:20:17,750 --> 00:20:19,750 -making very good money. -Mmm-hmm. 556 00:20:19,786 --> 00:20:22,220 We moved to a bigger house in downey, 557 00:20:22,255 --> 00:20:23,654 you know, a million dollar home. 558 00:20:23,690 --> 00:20:25,323 And she's driving a mercedes. 559 00:20:25,358 --> 00:20:27,758 I'm driving a pimped out eddie bauer expedition. 560 00:20:27,794 --> 00:20:29,427 -Life is good. -Mmm-hmm. 561 00:20:29,462 --> 00:20:32,763 And then there's this whole call to ministry thing. 562 00:20:32,799 --> 00:20:34,098 And I leave the sheriff's department 563 00:20:34,133 --> 00:20:35,866 to go work full time at a church. 564 00:20:35,902 --> 00:20:37,368 -She gets... -Yeah. That was... 565 00:20:37,403 --> 00:20:39,203 Yeah. She gets injured on her... In her back. 566 00:20:39,239 --> 00:20:40,838 -Yeah. -And then we lose our house. 567 00:20:40,873 --> 00:20:42,540 We end up having to do a short sale. 568 00:20:42,575 --> 00:20:44,108 -We got stuff with one of those... -Bankruptcy. 569 00:20:44,143 --> 00:20:46,043 -Yeah. So... -Sounds like... Yeah, we've had. 570 00:20:46,079 --> 00:20:47,345 We've had so many ebbs and flows 571 00:20:47,380 --> 00:20:50,948 and then we were renting homes for years. 572 00:20:50,984 --> 00:20:53,884 And with all of that I think her sister suggested 573 00:20:53,920 --> 00:20:56,187 that we go sit and talk with somebody. 574 00:20:56,222 --> 00:20:58,389 And we come out of a christian tradition 575 00:20:58,424 --> 00:21:00,091 -that didn't... -Didn't support that. 576 00:21:00,126 --> 00:21:01,726 ...Talk about that. It was mental health 577 00:21:01,761 --> 00:21:03,561 -was the devil. -And culture. 578 00:21:03,596 --> 00:21:05,229 Culturally it was just wasn't 579 00:21:05,265 --> 00:21:07,298 something that was, like, 580 00:21:07,333 --> 00:21:09,734 he encouraged to do. It's oh, that is cursed, 581 00:21:09,769 --> 00:21:10,768 oh, you'll work through it, 582 00:21:10,803 --> 00:21:11,736 you'll get over it. 583 00:21:11,771 --> 00:21:14,238 And then being pastor, 584 00:21:14,274 --> 00:21:16,607 and pastor's wife is really like okay. 585 00:21:16,643 --> 00:21:17,742 You know, you're thinking to back out here, 586 00:21:17,777 --> 00:21:19,543 when I started there I'm thinking back out here, okay. 587 00:21:19,579 --> 00:21:20,945 And people you're the pastor's wife 588 00:21:20,980 --> 00:21:22,313 you have also have this faith and all this 589 00:21:22,348 --> 00:21:24,148 whatever it's like, you know, but I'm going crazy. 590 00:21:24,183 --> 00:21:26,117 I need somebody just knows more than I do. 591 00:21:26,152 --> 00:21:29,053 Yes. I need to be equipped with tools for this 592 00:21:29,088 --> 00:21:31,922 because when I'm in my head I'm in my head. 593 00:21:31,958 --> 00:21:34,392 And it... It can be a dangerous place 594 00:21:34,427 --> 00:21:36,460 when you don't have anyone to give you direction 595 00:21:36,496 --> 00:21:38,929 on how this process to just let's think 596 00:21:38,965 --> 00:21:41,065 of this a different way, you know? 597 00:21:41,100 --> 00:21:42,900 Yeah. We had done premarital counseling right 598 00:21:42,935 --> 00:21:44,335 -before we got married. -Yes. 599 00:21:44,370 --> 00:21:47,138 But therapy counseling wasn't on the radar 600 00:21:47,173 --> 00:21:49,573 until hit that spot about seven years in. 601 00:21:49,609 --> 00:21:52,443 And I'm so glad that we went. 602 00:21:52,478 --> 00:21:54,078 Yeah. She was extremely helpful. 603 00:21:54,113 --> 00:21:56,347 She was patient, she was insightful, 604 00:21:56,382 --> 00:21:59,150 and she really helped us 605 00:21:59,185 --> 00:22:01,152 get through to meet 606 00:22:01,187 --> 00:22:03,487 the lowest spot in my marriage. 607 00:22:03,523 --> 00:22:05,356 -Yeah. -That's true. 608 00:22:07,827 --> 00:22:09,627 -Absolutely. -[laughs] 609 00:22:09,662 --> 00:22:11,362 -what is it? -I'm a grown-ass man 610 00:22:11,397 --> 00:22:12,863 and a suit or out a suite, 611 00:22:12,899 --> 00:22:15,032 you know what I'm saying? You know, yeah. 612 00:22:15,068 --> 00:22:16,934 You know I'm saying? You know, 613 00:22:16,969 --> 00:22:18,869 I hadn't been in this position 614 00:22:18,905 --> 00:22:20,604 in a very long time, you know, 615 00:22:20,640 --> 00:22:23,708 my company did well from the inception of it 616 00:22:23,743 --> 00:22:27,178 for, you know, close to 15 years. 617 00:22:27,213 --> 00:22:29,680 So it was... I mean it's for... 618 00:22:29,716 --> 00:22:32,016 Most man that are prideful men 619 00:22:32,051 --> 00:22:33,718 that are raised to take care of families, 620 00:22:33,753 --> 00:22:35,386 you know, you have a point where your finances 621 00:22:35,421 --> 00:22:37,221 ain't right. You know, it messes with you, 622 00:22:37,256 --> 00:22:38,823 you know what saying? And you don't want 623 00:22:38,858 --> 00:22:40,658 to ask for help. I mean it was uncomfortable 624 00:22:40,693 --> 00:22:42,193 if I if ever had to maintain anything. 625 00:22:42,228 --> 00:22:43,961 But she did a pretty good job 626 00:22:43,996 --> 00:22:45,863 and, you know, and stepping in 627 00:22:45,898 --> 00:22:47,665 and making sure that what need to get 628 00:22:47,700 --> 00:22:48,733 -taken got taken care off. -Did you say 629 00:22:48,768 --> 00:22:49,967 -pretty good job? -I mean I'm being honest 630 00:22:50,002 --> 00:22:51,402 with you now. I didn't have to have ask you 631 00:22:51,437 --> 00:22:52,670 a couple times, like, girl [indistinct] 632 00:22:52,705 --> 00:22:54,305 -what's up... -[laughs] 633 00:22:54,340 --> 00:22:55,906 you can go pay that car though? 634 00:22:55,942 --> 00:22:57,408 Like what we... What we we doing you know? 635 00:22:57,443 --> 00:22:58,743 You know I'm saying and, you know, but... 636 00:22:58,778 --> 00:23:00,711 But what I told him was, it taught us both something, 637 00:23:00,747 --> 00:23:03,214 'cause I said, you know, we both do the same things 638 00:23:03,249 --> 00:23:05,149 and you are proud if you don't want to ask help. 639 00:23:05,184 --> 00:23:07,351 I was like I just need to know where you need me 640 00:23:07,387 --> 00:23:09,487 to insert, where do you need me to... 641 00:23:09,522 --> 00:23:11,422 She, you know, she tell me, she's, like, look, 642 00:23:11,457 --> 00:23:12,523 -you have that... -What did I say? 643 00:23:12,558 --> 00:23:15,426 ...Pride, you know. 644 00:23:15,461 --> 00:23:17,261 -And you have to know... -Did I say it like that? 645 00:23:17,296 --> 00:23:19,163 ...Be willing to be vocal, and I was like, 646 00:23:19,198 --> 00:23:20,698 now get out of here, man. 647 00:23:20,733 --> 00:23:22,333 Come on drop that pride, like, 648 00:23:22,368 --> 00:23:23,734 oh, you know, what's up with these bills 649 00:23:23,770 --> 00:23:25,536 didn't get paid. I need you to step up 650 00:23:25,571 --> 00:23:26,670 and make this happen. 651 00:23:26,706 --> 00:23:27,571 You know what I mean? What's up? 652 00:23:27,607 --> 00:23:29,240 You know, really. 653 00:23:29,275 --> 00:23:30,541 Give me five years, 654 00:23:30,576 --> 00:23:32,877 I'mma be a a-list celebrity, okay? 655 00:23:32,912 --> 00:23:35,379 And he... In 2009 don't worry about it, 656 00:23:35,415 --> 00:23:37,047 -I got you. Okay. -Hey, you just... 657 00:23:37,083 --> 00:23:38,549 You just... You just 10 years... 658 00:23:38,584 --> 00:23:39,850 I'm 10 years late on it, okay. 659 00:23:39,886 --> 00:23:41,886 -...To let me know, so. -Then 15 years. 660 00:23:43,222 --> 00:23:44,188 The way we handle our finances, 661 00:23:44,223 --> 00:23:47,358 I use to let outsiders get in my head about it. 662 00:23:47,393 --> 00:23:51,362 And because we used to have a joint account 663 00:23:51,397 --> 00:23:53,330 and it was like why you spending that, 664 00:23:53,366 --> 00:23:55,399 why are you going to panda express, why are you? 665 00:23:55,435 --> 00:23:57,034 And he was like don't check me about my food 666 00:23:57,069 --> 00:24:00,471 and fought more about it that way. 667 00:24:00,506 --> 00:24:02,339 And so, I remember telling someone, 668 00:24:02,375 --> 00:24:03,574 oh we're going to have separate accounts 669 00:24:03,609 --> 00:24:04,909 and they're like that's not marriage. 670 00:24:04,944 --> 00:24:06,510 I'm like that's not your marriage, 671 00:24:06,546 --> 00:24:07,511 like, that's my marriage. 672 00:24:07,547 --> 00:24:09,146 And that's what helps us 673 00:24:09,182 --> 00:24:11,482 so we have our bills. We say this is what I need 674 00:24:11,517 --> 00:24:13,150 from you every month, this is what I need 675 00:24:13,186 --> 00:24:15,352 from you every month it goes into a main account. 676 00:24:15,388 --> 00:24:17,154 And then everything gets drafted from there. 677 00:24:17,190 --> 00:24:19,356 And what you do with your money, 678 00:24:19,392 --> 00:24:20,925 and what you do with yours is good 679 00:24:20,960 --> 00:24:22,560 as long as none of our bills fall through, 680 00:24:22,595 --> 00:24:24,495 as long as we stay on track with our goals 681 00:24:24,530 --> 00:24:26,330 -for we're saving for. -Mmm-hmm. 682 00:24:26,365 --> 00:24:29,266 We're... We've found a way to make it work for us. 683 00:24:29,302 --> 00:24:31,268 -That works for us. -Yeah. And it was... 684 00:24:31,304 --> 00:24:33,671 ...It was mostly about me not worrying 685 00:24:33,706 --> 00:24:35,172 about what people think about us having... 686 00:24:35,208 --> 00:24:37,241 But like what if he's taking a girl on a date. 687 00:24:37,276 --> 00:24:39,243 I'm like first of all that's not the man I married, 688 00:24:39,278 --> 00:24:40,945 so I'm not worried about things like that 689 00:24:40,980 --> 00:24:42,379 that you're worried about. 690 00:24:42,415 --> 00:24:44,181 So, maybe you should worry about that. 691 00:24:44,217 --> 00:24:45,716 Yeah. 'cause when she start confronting me 692 00:24:45,751 --> 00:24:47,785 about my panda trips, I said can't have this, 693 00:24:47,820 --> 00:24:49,687 -this is too much. -Yeah. Yeah. 694 00:24:49,722 --> 00:24:52,756 -I'm a grown man. -Man. [laughs] 695 00:24:52,792 --> 00:24:56,093 and I can't even go get a two combo, man. 696 00:24:56,128 --> 00:24:57,761 I need my orange chicken. 697 00:24:57,797 --> 00:24:59,630 I had to have something, you know, 698 00:24:59,665 --> 00:25:01,532 you always want to deflect onto someone, 699 00:25:01,567 --> 00:25:03,601 like, take away from my amazon hurts, 700 00:25:03,636 --> 00:25:05,269 and like well, you went to panda. 701 00:25:05,304 --> 00:25:06,437 -But you did this? -But it's panda, 702 00:25:06,472 --> 00:25:07,538 who doesn't like panda? 703 00:25:07,573 --> 00:25:09,039 Who doesn't like amazon? 704 00:25:09,075 --> 00:25:11,475 And I guess who ask to ask her permission. 705 00:25:11,511 --> 00:25:13,244 To go to the strip club. 706 00:25:13,279 --> 00:25:15,579 I was blowing money fast it was horrible. 707 00:25:15,615 --> 00:25:19,049 And it was like, you get set caught up in it. 708 00:25:19,085 --> 00:25:20,818 I was caught up in hollywood. 709 00:25:20,853 --> 00:25:22,286 And when I walk in the strip club 710 00:25:22,321 --> 00:25:24,288 the hostess, they knew my name. 711 00:25:24,323 --> 00:25:28,125 And it's uh-oh that boy walked in here, make way. 712 00:25:28,160 --> 00:25:29,793 Sitting me at the front stage, 713 00:25:29,829 --> 00:25:32,096 I'm giving my love offering together. 714 00:25:32,131 --> 00:25:34,732 And I was just... It was just a thing 715 00:25:34,767 --> 00:25:38,002 that I was just in 716 00:25:38,037 --> 00:25:40,337 -and I didn't... -Look how excited 717 00:25:40,373 --> 00:25:41,972 he got talking about it though. 718 00:25:42,008 --> 00:25:44,008 -...The frank the tank. -You see his eyes light up. 719 00:25:44,043 --> 00:25:47,945 -[laughter] -frank the tank, right? 720 00:25:47,980 --> 00:25:49,747 And then she's like this so where are you at? 721 00:25:49,782 --> 00:25:51,248 I was like, well we just went to this little strip club. 722 00:25:51,284 --> 00:25:52,616 Little strip club? I know it just... 723 00:25:52,652 --> 00:25:54,018 That ain't no little strip club. 724 00:25:54,053 --> 00:25:55,085 ...A little strip club. You know, 725 00:25:55,121 --> 00:25:57,087 we have some wings... 726 00:25:57,123 --> 00:25:58,822 We have some wings. I have wings, blue cheese. 727 00:25:58,858 --> 00:26:00,291 That was good for the food right? 728 00:26:00,326 --> 00:26:02,026 Yeah. Blue cheese you get any dancers. 729 00:26:02,061 --> 00:26:03,861 I had a couple of dancers there's not a lot of dancers, 730 00:26:03,896 --> 00:26:04,828 like, you know, there were... 731 00:26:04,864 --> 00:26:06,297 There were girls dancing, 732 00:26:06,332 --> 00:26:08,098 you know what I'm saying? And then she can't wait to, 733 00:26:08,134 --> 00:26:09,500 but how much money you spent? 734 00:26:09,535 --> 00:26:10,534 -Oh, I didn't... -That's really the first question. 735 00:26:10,570 --> 00:26:11,669 I didn't spend a lot of money at all. 736 00:26:11,704 --> 00:26:13,938 -How much did you spend? -How much did you spend, tank? 737 00:26:13,973 --> 00:26:16,173 I didn't... Babe maybe $3, 000, 738 00:26:16,208 --> 00:26:17,608 maybe $4,000 not that much. 739 00:26:17,643 --> 00:26:18,842 It's not that... It's not that crazy 740 00:26:18,878 --> 00:26:20,177 I'll make it back. 741 00:26:20,212 --> 00:26:22,346 I'm uh, I got this gig next week 742 00:26:22,381 --> 00:26:23,614 -that's gonna... -You know what bills we got? 743 00:26:23,649 --> 00:26:24,782 That could have went to. 744 00:26:24,817 --> 00:26:25,849 That's gonna replenish everything 745 00:26:25,885 --> 00:26:28,886 and you just hold on let me get this, you know. 746 00:26:28,921 --> 00:26:30,654 But I'm doing good... 747 00:26:30,690 --> 00:26:33,624 I'm doing good I tried to stay... 748 00:26:33,659 --> 00:26:37,328 I keep that to a minimum and I stay in safe places. 749 00:26:37,363 --> 00:26:41,298 -Amen. -To honor my wife. 750 00:26:41,334 --> 00:26:44,134 I think that, you know, whether it's money if I... 751 00:26:44,170 --> 00:26:45,536 Or whatever, one are the things 752 00:26:45,571 --> 00:26:48,639 that we really learned and agreed upon 753 00:26:48,674 --> 00:26:50,507 was that we didn't have 754 00:26:50,543 --> 00:26:52,643 to have traditional male, female roles. 755 00:26:52,678 --> 00:26:54,812 Whoever is best at whatever 756 00:26:54,847 --> 00:26:56,747 then you take on that task. 757 00:26:56,782 --> 00:26:58,582 Well, 'cause you ain't never take the trash out, okay? 758 00:26:58,618 --> 00:27:00,084 -Oh, I'm not good at that. -Okay. 759 00:27:00,119 --> 00:27:01,752 'cause that's not my... That's not my... 760 00:27:01,787 --> 00:27:04,355 That's not my gifting... That's not my gifting. 761 00:27:04,390 --> 00:27:06,724 So I'm okay with walking in my gift. 762 00:27:06,759 --> 00:27:09,893 -Okay. All right. -[laughs] 763 00:27:09,929 --> 00:27:12,730 so, yeah. I agree, like, money was never and... 764 00:27:12,765 --> 00:27:14,064 Yeah. That's never been an issue. 765 00:27:14,100 --> 00:27:15,699 ...It has never been an issue. 766 00:27:15,735 --> 00:27:18,936 And I think we figured out what has worked for us. 767 00:27:18,971 --> 00:27:20,337 And it's really worked out. 768 00:27:20,373 --> 00:27:24,041 Yeah. And, you know, we only have one account. 769 00:27:24,076 --> 00:27:26,944 You know, other than the, you know, 770 00:27:26,979 --> 00:27:29,113 the allowance account that I have. 771 00:27:29,148 --> 00:27:31,682 But there's only one account, you know. 772 00:27:31,717 --> 00:27:33,684 And if she does have another account 773 00:27:33,719 --> 00:27:35,786 where she's hiding money, excellent. 774 00:27:35,821 --> 00:27:37,554 But I don't want it to, you know, 775 00:27:37,590 --> 00:27:40,124 seem like I put all of the financial burdens 776 00:27:40,159 --> 00:27:41,759 -on her shoulders. -Um-um. 777 00:27:41,794 --> 00:27:43,060 'cause the one thing she does 778 00:27:43,095 --> 00:27:44,928 is she makes you to I pay the mortgage... 779 00:27:44,964 --> 00:27:46,764 And, you know, I get to pound my chest. 780 00:27:46,799 --> 00:27:50,367 I get to pay the mortgage though. But... 781 00:27:50,403 --> 00:27:52,569 -Yup. We worked it out. -Yeah. We worked it out, 782 00:27:52,605 --> 00:27:54,071 you know, we have worked it out. 783 00:27:54,106 --> 00:27:56,774 -So it works for us, you know. -Mmm-hmm. 784 00:27:56,809 --> 00:27:59,276 And I'm sure it doesn't work for everybody like that. 785 00:27:59,311 --> 00:28:00,644 Listen, any time I put something 786 00:28:00,680 --> 00:28:02,946 on the american express she hears about it. 787 00:28:02,982 --> 00:28:04,581 I'm okay with that. 788 00:28:04,617 --> 00:28:06,817 You know, it's checks and balances. 789 00:28:06,852 --> 00:28:08,585 All right? Checks and balances. 790 00:28:08,621 --> 00:28:12,222 And I have been trying for the last couple of years 791 00:28:12,258 --> 00:28:13,490 to retire my husband. 792 00:28:13,526 --> 00:28:16,393 It has been my ultimate goal. 793 00:28:16,429 --> 00:28:19,463 Our original plan was always he would, 794 00:28:19,498 --> 00:28:21,832 you know, be a policeman for five years. 795 00:28:21,867 --> 00:28:22,833 -And I... -This was... 796 00:28:22,868 --> 00:28:24,134 When we first moved to la, 797 00:28:24,170 --> 00:28:25,669 I was like, "babe, you go do that 798 00:28:25,705 --> 00:28:26,970 because it's good job. 799 00:28:27,006 --> 00:28:28,405 It's a good salary and benefits, right?" 800 00:28:28,441 --> 00:28:30,074 this was... This was her. 801 00:28:30,109 --> 00:28:31,175 -Okay. This is... -Yeah. 802 00:28:31,210 --> 00:28:32,976 ...What I brought... When I brought it to her... 803 00:28:33,012 --> 00:28:35,012 I brought it her, you know, 804 00:28:35,047 --> 00:28:36,280 "babe, what do you think about this? 805 00:28:36,315 --> 00:28:37,581 Do you think I could do this?" 806 00:28:37,616 --> 00:28:39,349 all right. And she was like, you... 807 00:28:39,385 --> 00:28:40,918 My wife has always told me I could do anything, right? 808 00:28:40,953 --> 00:28:42,453 -You can do anything. -Yes. 809 00:28:42,488 --> 00:28:43,821 She gonna help me do anything. 810 00:28:43,856 --> 00:28:46,090 But with this, it was like, 811 00:28:46,125 --> 00:28:47,591 "you only gonna do it for five years." 812 00:28:47,626 --> 00:28:48,992 -that's what it was. -Because my plan was 813 00:28:49,028 --> 00:28:50,527 in five years, oh, I'm a blow-up 814 00:28:50,563 --> 00:28:52,429 in five years. Give me five years. 815 00:28:52,465 --> 00:28:54,798 I'm gonna be at a a-list celebrity. Okay? 816 00:28:54,834 --> 00:28:57,301 Honey in 2009, don't worry about it. 817 00:28:57,336 --> 00:28:59,103 -I got you, okay? -You just... 818 00:28:59,138 --> 00:29:01,538 -You just 10 years... -I'm 10 years late 819 00:29:01,574 --> 00:29:04,508 on it, okay. Then 15 years, but, 820 00:29:06,245 --> 00:29:07,878 it has been my... 821 00:29:09,715 --> 00:29:12,516 Ultimate goal is to take my husband 822 00:29:12,551 --> 00:29:14,885 out of that environment. It was simply the fact 823 00:29:14,920 --> 00:29:16,787 that I'm not comfortable that my husband 824 00:29:16,822 --> 00:29:18,155 has to wear, uh, a bulletproof vest 825 00:29:18,190 --> 00:29:20,491 to go to work every day. 826 00:29:20,526 --> 00:29:22,559 I don't... I love that he is willing to die 827 00:29:22,595 --> 00:29:24,495 for strangers and other people 828 00:29:24,530 --> 00:29:26,163 but I much rather him 829 00:29:26,198 --> 00:29:29,066 only be willing to die for us in this house. Okay? 830 00:29:29,101 --> 00:29:30,868 So, there was a point in our relationship 831 00:29:30,903 --> 00:29:32,503 even when I did take the reins 832 00:29:32,538 --> 00:29:35,372 where I was like is this a cycle, 833 00:29:35,407 --> 00:29:37,975 like, we're now struggling together now, 834 00:29:38,010 --> 00:29:39,810 I'm holding the fort up like my mom used to. 835 00:29:39,845 --> 00:29:41,678 I'm trying to fee... Help him figure it out. 836 00:29:41,714 --> 00:29:43,213 And he was very angry. 837 00:29:43,249 --> 00:29:44,848 He was an a-hole at times. 838 00:29:44,884 --> 00:29:46,850 -He was snappy. -I was but, you know, 839 00:29:46,886 --> 00:29:48,652 -uh, I'm here to... -His libido was gone, 840 00:29:48,687 --> 00:29:50,187 -you know, it was just... -I'm here in this finance 841 00:29:50,222 --> 00:29:52,856 position, not because of my lack of work, 842 00:29:52,892 --> 00:29:54,391 because of somebody else's decision 843 00:29:54,426 --> 00:29:56,160 not to take care of their responsibilities. 844 00:29:56,195 --> 00:29:58,395 Hence, the closest person to you for that 845 00:29:58,430 --> 00:30:00,764 was me and you know, like proverbs says 15:1, 846 00:30:00,800 --> 00:30:02,266 when the tongue... That you got to hold the tongue 847 00:30:02,301 --> 00:30:04,168 that wrath is big. So there's a lot of times 848 00:30:04,203 --> 00:30:05,736 -that I had to hold my tongue. -She was... We're totally... 849 00:30:05,771 --> 00:30:07,938 She will... She's like my dad. 850 00:30:07,973 --> 00:30:10,741 She will pray the sun until the sun come up. 851 00:30:10,776 --> 00:30:12,276 -No, I don't. -You know I'm saying? 852 00:30:12,311 --> 00:30:13,710 And it comes up every day. 853 00:30:13,746 --> 00:30:16,346 I'm my dad and my mom. My mom... 854 00:30:16,382 --> 00:30:18,715 He sees the glass half empty, I always see the... 855 00:30:18,751 --> 00:30:20,284 You know, well, not only that. 856 00:30:20,319 --> 00:30:22,286 -...When runneth over. -And she's... Yeah, 857 00:30:22,321 --> 00:30:24,922 I think, she's always been more hopeful, 858 00:30:24,957 --> 00:30:27,191 whereas, you know, I'm not worried 859 00:30:27,226 --> 00:30:28,425 about tomorrow because I'm looking 860 00:30:28,460 --> 00:30:29,760 at the balance today. 861 00:30:29,795 --> 00:30:31,094 You know what I'm saying? 862 00:30:31,130 --> 00:30:32,763 And you can be hopeful that to balance 863 00:30:32,798 --> 00:30:34,298 is going to be different tomorrow 864 00:30:34,333 --> 00:30:35,732 -but today, so... -But that's why I felt... 865 00:30:35,768 --> 00:30:38,602 That's why I felt the need to not be honest 866 00:30:38,637 --> 00:30:40,737 with him in a moment but I did journal about it 867 00:30:40,773 --> 00:30:42,139 and I was like, "I don't really know 868 00:30:42,174 --> 00:30:44,241 what this is, but, uh, I really want 869 00:30:44,276 --> 00:30:46,777 to figure out what we're going to do for him." 870 00:30:46,812 --> 00:30:48,212 I was calling people to see like, 871 00:30:48,247 --> 00:30:49,980 okay, what could he do on the inside? 872 00:30:50,015 --> 00:30:50,914 He knows a lot of people 873 00:30:50,950 --> 00:30:52,316 and he didn't want to go inside. 874 00:30:52,351 --> 00:30:53,417 He's like, I don't want to work 875 00:30:53,452 --> 00:30:55,152 for anybody else but myself. 876 00:30:55,187 --> 00:30:58,989 She's really for me a system of accountability 877 00:30:59,024 --> 00:31:00,824 that I do need. 878 00:31:00,860 --> 00:31:03,260 That I didn't know I needed, you what I mean? 879 00:31:03,295 --> 00:31:06,129 Because the whole time I've been fighting 880 00:31:06,165 --> 00:31:10,167 this idea of getting out from under my mom. 881 00:31:12,037 --> 00:31:13,503 Every year at our... We got this from my parents. 882 00:31:13,539 --> 00:31:14,905 Every year for our anniversary, 883 00:31:14,940 --> 00:31:16,874 we sit down and we make... We go to dinner 884 00:31:16,909 --> 00:31:18,742 and we make three individual goals 885 00:31:18,777 --> 00:31:20,310 and then three couple goals. 886 00:31:20,346 --> 00:31:21,812 But what we did this year 887 00:31:21,847 --> 00:31:23,814 that was different than the past four years. 888 00:31:23,849 --> 00:31:25,716 Is we've set monthly check-ins. 889 00:31:25,751 --> 00:31:26,650 -Mm-hmm. -So instead of, like, 890 00:31:26,685 --> 00:31:28,085 setting our goal 891 00:31:28,120 --> 00:31:29,353 what, like at the anniversary 892 00:31:29,388 --> 00:31:31,021 and then getting to the next anniversary 893 00:31:31,056 --> 00:31:32,222 and being like, "we didn't do 894 00:31:32,258 --> 00:31:33,857 -none that stuff." -yeah. Yeah. 895 00:31:33,893 --> 00:31:35,425 We meet every month now we're like, "okay. 896 00:31:35,461 --> 00:31:36,526 Where are you at with this goal? 897 00:31:36,562 --> 00:31:37,861 Where you at with this goal?" 898 00:31:37,897 --> 00:31:40,030 and I think that that's helping 899 00:31:40,065 --> 00:31:41,598 because I do... I will say, 900 00:31:41,634 --> 00:31:43,734 I have more conviction about my amazon purchases 901 00:31:43,769 --> 00:31:45,669 and I've not purchased 902 00:31:45,704 --> 00:31:47,704 a lot of things that I wanted to purchase. 903 00:31:48,574 --> 00:31:50,340 Meanwhile, I'm staring at all my amazon 904 00:31:50,376 --> 00:31:51,975 -bags. -See? I'm just... 905 00:31:54,213 --> 00:31:56,847 But they're in that pile because they're going back. 906 00:31:56,882 --> 00:31:58,382 -Are they? -Yes. 907 00:31:58,417 --> 00:32:00,017 It's been in that pile for few weeks now. 908 00:32:00,052 --> 00:32:01,585 I know. 909 00:32:01,620 --> 00:32:03,053 I got some decisions to make. 910 00:32:03,088 --> 00:32:05,889 A lot of guys like they go into this place 911 00:32:05,925 --> 00:32:08,458 and they're looking to cash in. 912 00:32:08,494 --> 00:32:11,762 So, they're throwing the money up. 913 00:32:11,797 --> 00:32:14,564 They're buying the bottles looking to hook something. 914 00:32:14,600 --> 00:32:16,934 You know, I'm saying? I'm doing it. 915 00:32:16,969 --> 00:32:18,402 I'm literally doing it 916 00:32:18,437 --> 00:32:20,270 because it makes me feel good. 917 00:32:20,306 --> 00:32:21,905 It makes me feel like, 918 00:32:21,941 --> 00:32:24,641 it made me feel like I was somebody. 919 00:32:24,677 --> 00:32:26,777 You know I'm saying? I was and I wasn't somebody 920 00:32:26,812 --> 00:32:31,481 I was the somebody, everybody's watching me. 921 00:32:31,517 --> 00:32:34,084 You know I'm saying? And so like, I wouldn't like, 922 00:32:34,119 --> 00:32:36,653 it was like you would have think that I had 923 00:32:36,689 --> 00:32:39,723 like a gang of dancer girlfriends and all of that. 924 00:32:39,758 --> 00:32:41,591 No. It was... It's never like that. 925 00:32:41,627 --> 00:32:44,061 I would literally go in there and throw all my money 926 00:32:44,096 --> 00:32:46,430 and leave by myself 927 00:32:46,465 --> 00:32:48,799 and I didn't feel empty. I felt fulfilled. 928 00:32:48,834 --> 00:32:50,267 I only felt empty 929 00:32:50,302 --> 00:32:51,601 when I went to bank of america. 930 00:32:51,637 --> 00:32:54,237 That was the only time I felt empty, 931 00:32:54,273 --> 00:32:57,174 -but outside of that... -Low funds? 932 00:32:57,209 --> 00:32:59,009 Low funds. You know I'm saying? 933 00:32:59,044 --> 00:33:00,310 You get them insufficient fund 934 00:33:00,346 --> 00:33:01,611 letters in the mail. 935 00:33:01,647 --> 00:33:03,947 You owe us $35 times a hundred, 936 00:33:03,983 --> 00:33:06,316 you know, it was something else. 937 00:33:06,352 --> 00:33:08,018 It's a lot going on back then. 938 00:33:08,053 --> 00:33:09,486 Babe, it's a lot... It's lot I had to get over. 939 00:33:09,521 --> 00:33:11,254 -Thank god you got me. -I have to find myself. 940 00:33:11,290 --> 00:33:14,191 Amen. You saved me. You saved me. 941 00:33:14,226 --> 00:33:16,293 And she's really for me 942 00:33:16,328 --> 00:33:19,629 a system of accountability that I do need. 943 00:33:19,665 --> 00:33:22,199 That I didn't know I needed. You what I mean? 944 00:33:22,234 --> 00:33:25,202 Because the whole time I'd been fighting 945 00:33:25,237 --> 00:33:28,839 this idea of getting out from under my mom 946 00:33:28,874 --> 00:33:31,875 because my mom is like, like I said, 947 00:33:31,910 --> 00:33:33,543 she ruled with an iron fist, 948 00:33:33,579 --> 00:33:35,345 so I just always felt like I never wanted 949 00:33:35,381 --> 00:33:36,947 to be controlled like that. 950 00:33:36,982 --> 00:33:38,782 I can control my life. You know my mom, 951 00:33:38,817 --> 00:33:40,450 I went through enough of that with my mama, 952 00:33:40,486 --> 00:33:42,219 you know I'm saying? 953 00:33:42,254 --> 00:33:47,457 But growing, being able to look back 954 00:33:47,493 --> 00:33:50,694 and see that I've always thrived 955 00:33:50,729 --> 00:33:53,497 in systems of accountability. 956 00:33:53,532 --> 00:33:58,235 And so, I needed her more than I actually knew. 957 00:33:58,270 --> 00:33:59,569 You know what I mean? 958 00:33:59,605 --> 00:34:03,373 Um, it would save me from myself. 959 00:34:03,409 --> 00:34:06,243 Where did we learn how to communicate, 960 00:34:06,278 --> 00:34:08,178 um, about our finances? 961 00:34:08,213 --> 00:34:10,914 To me, it comes back to our friendship 962 00:34:10,949 --> 00:34:13,350 that from early on in our friendship. 963 00:34:13,385 --> 00:34:15,685 We had the practice of just having 964 00:34:15,721 --> 00:34:17,587 -awkward conversations. -Yes. 965 00:34:17,623 --> 00:34:19,156 So it's not that we always get it right. 966 00:34:19,191 --> 00:34:20,590 -Right. -Sometimes we walk away 967 00:34:20,626 --> 00:34:22,025 thinking, "oh, I know she heard me." 968 00:34:22,061 --> 00:34:23,493 oh, you know, she like, oh, I know he got... 969 00:34:23,529 --> 00:34:24,895 And then we screw it up again. 970 00:34:24,930 --> 00:34:26,496 Oh, yes. So we keep trying. 971 00:34:26,532 --> 00:34:28,498 It's like keep talking, keep talking 972 00:34:28,534 --> 00:34:31,535 keep forgiving, and continue to be open, 973 00:34:31,570 --> 00:34:33,770 because it's like your point of view might be 974 00:34:33,806 --> 00:34:37,174 completely different from the other, you know, 975 00:34:37,209 --> 00:34:38,208 -and it's just like... -But we're gonna keep talking. 976 00:34:38,243 --> 00:34:40,010 We're gonna keep talking, 977 00:34:40,045 --> 00:34:42,179 because if you don't talk then you allow yourself 978 00:34:42,214 --> 00:34:44,214 to feed off of something and I feel like 979 00:34:44,249 --> 00:34:46,416 whatever you nurture is what's going to grow. 980 00:34:46,452 --> 00:34:48,051 So if we're not talking 981 00:34:48,087 --> 00:34:49,419 then whatever is in my head that's negative. 982 00:34:49,455 --> 00:34:51,021 That's what I'm nurturing. 983 00:34:51,056 --> 00:34:52,289 That's what's growing until it pops. 984 00:34:52,324 --> 00:34:53,790 And if I don't talk, 985 00:34:53,826 --> 00:34:55,559 I have a whole argument with you in my head. 986 00:34:55,594 --> 00:34:57,127 Like I know what you're gonna say 987 00:34:57,162 --> 00:34:58,528 -when you gonna say. -Yes. 988 00:34:58,564 --> 00:35:00,197 I have the entire argument in my head. 989 00:35:00,232 --> 00:35:02,365 So I've argued with you five times before I come. 990 00:35:02,401 --> 00:35:04,534 So it's easier to just have those 991 00:35:04,570 --> 00:35:05,702 -difficult conversations. -Yes. 992 00:35:05,737 --> 00:35:07,104 And those were important for us 993 00:35:07,139 --> 00:35:09,806 because financially, we went through... 994 00:35:09,842 --> 00:35:12,776 In 22 years we've gone through a lot of this. 995 00:35:12,811 --> 00:35:14,244 I'm a daddy's girl, right? 996 00:35:14,279 --> 00:35:15,979 Always have been a daddy's girl. 997 00:35:16,014 --> 00:35:18,982 Um, and I was so dependent on my daddy. 998 00:35:19,017 --> 00:35:20,250 And so if anything would go wrong, 999 00:35:20,285 --> 00:35:21,952 I'd like, "I can call my daddy." 1000 00:35:21,987 --> 00:35:23,453 you know, we need some money. I'mma call my daddy. 1001 00:35:23,489 --> 00:35:25,122 And he had to teach me, "no. 1002 00:35:25,157 --> 00:35:27,657 If I'm with you now, it's me and you." 1003 00:35:29,128 --> 00:35:30,060 ght? 1004 00:35:30,095 --> 00:35:31,595 Always have been a daddy's girl. 1005 00:35:31,630 --> 00:35:34,464 Um, and I was so dependent on my daddy. 1006 00:35:34,500 --> 00:35:35,765 And so, if anything would go wrong, 1007 00:35:35,801 --> 00:35:37,501 I'd be like, "I can call my daddy." 1008 00:35:37,536 --> 00:35:38,602 you know, we need some money, I'mma call my daddy. 1009 00:35:38,637 --> 00:35:40,303 And he had to teach me, 1010 00:35:40,339 --> 00:35:43,273 "no. If I'm with you now, it's me and you. 1011 00:35:43,308 --> 00:35:44,341 You can't just call your daddy. 1012 00:35:44,376 --> 00:35:46,443 He had never respect me, right?" 1013 00:35:46,478 --> 00:35:48,945 so I learned to lean on my husband 1014 00:35:48,981 --> 00:35:50,614 who was my boyfriend at the time. 1015 00:35:50,649 --> 00:35:52,816 And it was no longer. 1016 00:35:52,851 --> 00:35:55,752 I need help from anybody other than him 1017 00:35:55,787 --> 00:35:57,687 and vice versa. 1018 00:35:57,723 --> 00:35:59,689 So it just became 1019 00:35:59,725 --> 00:36:01,791 what do we need from each other 1020 00:36:01,827 --> 00:36:03,693 and it was hard, 1021 00:36:03,729 --> 00:36:05,128 there was... But it was certain times, 1022 00:36:05,164 --> 00:36:06,530 especially when you are struggling 1023 00:36:06,565 --> 00:36:07,864 and you don't know anybody else 1024 00:36:07,900 --> 00:36:09,499 and you're all alone. 1025 00:36:09,535 --> 00:36:12,135 We were... We became each other's best friend. 1026 00:36:12,171 --> 00:36:15,338 It was we all we got. It was just me and him. 1027 00:36:15,374 --> 00:36:17,374 We're the only ones who understand this love. 1028 00:36:17,409 --> 00:36:19,543 We the only ones who are in it. 1029 00:36:19,578 --> 00:36:21,845 I see you and you see me. 1030 00:36:21,880 --> 00:36:25,282 And we just gonna do whatever we feel we should do. 1031 00:36:25,317 --> 00:36:28,151 I went from running a company to going to work 1032 00:36:28,187 --> 00:36:31,154 with guy that I used to refer on my, uh, limo clients, 1033 00:36:31,190 --> 00:36:34,124 uh, to, I worked for $15 an hour. 1034 00:36:34,159 --> 00:36:36,226 -He did. -And you talking about humble. 1035 00:36:36,261 --> 00:36:39,162 -That is some humble as pie. -I made his lunch. It sure was. 1036 00:36:39,198 --> 00:36:41,064 I mean it was but, you know, 1037 00:36:41,099 --> 00:36:42,699 it was a moment for me to grow 1038 00:36:42,734 --> 00:36:44,234 -and I knew as a boss. -Mm-hmm. 1039 00:36:44,269 --> 00:36:46,636 I'm not going in here to work for this man 1040 00:36:46,672 --> 00:36:48,205 for $15 an hour. 1041 00:36:48,240 --> 00:36:50,240 I am going in here to get a degree 1042 00:36:50,275 --> 00:36:52,475 -in how to run this business. -Right. 1043 00:36:52,511 --> 00:36:53,810 And that's what I did. So, I went to work for him... 1044 00:36:53,845 --> 00:36:55,378 And there was several conversations 1045 00:36:55,414 --> 00:36:57,380 we'd have to talk him out. And I had to tell him 1046 00:36:57,416 --> 00:36:59,082 -because he's big on respect. -Yeah. 1047 00:36:59,117 --> 00:37:01,751 He's big on, you know, being respecting. 1048 00:37:01,787 --> 00:37:04,321 He felt like as a man you... That's what's important. 1049 00:37:04,356 --> 00:37:05,222 And I told him, I said, 1050 00:37:05,257 --> 00:37:06,756 "you're going through a transition." 1051 00:37:06,792 --> 00:37:07,891 I said, "and there are some things 1052 00:37:07,926 --> 00:37:09,659 that god is humbling you with. 1053 00:37:09,695 --> 00:37:12,329 And a lot of times in this process and this transition, 1054 00:37:12,364 --> 00:37:14,197 it's really not about the other person. 1055 00:37:14,233 --> 00:37:16,066 A lot of times is about you and your growth." 1056 00:37:16,101 --> 00:37:18,235 this is what this man did and I will... 1057 00:37:18,270 --> 00:37:20,070 I will toot your horn since you know, 1058 00:37:20,105 --> 00:37:22,439 um, you know, I kind of did a good job, 1059 00:37:22,474 --> 00:37:24,007 um, carrying the load. 1060 00:37:24,042 --> 00:37:26,076 So, for christmas what he ended up doing 1061 00:37:26,111 --> 00:37:27,911 in this is again moving into that 1062 00:37:27,946 --> 00:37:29,846 following January of us getting pregnant. 1063 00:37:29,881 --> 00:37:33,450 He gave me, um, a lump of money. 1064 00:37:33,485 --> 00:37:36,019 Now, he from chicago, it was a wad of money, 1065 00:37:36,054 --> 00:37:38,088 but I think he went to cvs 1066 00:37:38,123 --> 00:37:39,522 and got like this bird nest thing. 1067 00:37:39,558 --> 00:37:40,924 I don't know what this thing was, 1068 00:37:40,959 --> 00:37:42,726 but he had pushed a bunch of money in it, 1069 00:37:42,761 --> 00:37:44,027 it was so trahgetto, 1070 00:37:44,062 --> 00:37:46,229 it was so like love and basketball 1071 00:37:46,265 --> 00:37:48,231 like meets the notebook, but I saw it 1072 00:37:48,267 --> 00:37:50,233 and I'm thinking what is this bird like 1073 00:37:50,269 --> 00:37:52,269 light chandelier thing and I still have it. 1074 00:37:52,304 --> 00:37:55,905 There was... Can I tell him how much was in it. 1075 00:37:55,941 --> 00:37:59,142 There was $25,000 in this 1076 00:37:59,177 --> 00:38:01,444 and what he said was this is our nest egg 1077 00:38:01,480 --> 00:38:03,280 towards our future. 1078 00:38:03,315 --> 00:38:05,815 He's like so, it's a down payment on the house, 1079 00:38:05,851 --> 00:38:07,484 you know, we have a baby coming. 1080 00:38:07,519 --> 00:38:09,486 I don't want you to worry about a client. 1081 00:38:09,521 --> 00:38:11,488 I don't want you to worry a about a photo shoot. 1082 00:38:11,523 --> 00:38:12,989 I don't want to worry about nothing else 1083 00:38:13,025 --> 00:38:14,424 but what you need to do. 1084 00:38:14,459 --> 00:38:16,059 We've had some deep roller coasters 1085 00:38:16,094 --> 00:38:18,061 and it was like those are things 1086 00:38:18,096 --> 00:38:19,629 -that can make or break it. -Had destroy a lot of couples. 1087 00:38:19,665 --> 00:38:21,831 It can really get intense in there 1088 00:38:21,867 --> 00:38:24,467 because it's just like... It's like 1089 00:38:24,503 --> 00:38:26,469 -when money is an issue... -No. 1090 00:38:26,505 --> 00:38:28,672 -Money, communication... -Money and sex. 1091 00:38:28,707 --> 00:38:30,907 -Yeah, it's, like... -Money, sex. They... 1092 00:38:30,942 --> 00:38:32,676 They can really... 1093 00:38:32,711 --> 00:38:33,943 -Those are the multipliers. -Yes. 1094 00:38:33,979 --> 00:38:35,312 They exacerbate 1095 00:38:35,347 --> 00:38:36,813 -everything else. -Everything else. 1096 00:38:36,848 --> 00:38:38,348 If your money is good and your sex is good. 1097 00:38:38,383 --> 00:38:39,749 You can look over everything else. 1098 00:38:39,785 --> 00:38:41,484 If your money is bad in the sex is bad. 1099 00:38:41,520 --> 00:38:43,620 You are every, "why is that thing? 1100 00:38:43,655 --> 00:38:45,588 Why is that on the floor? Why you got lint on your..." 1101 00:38:45,624 --> 00:38:47,324 -everything is hard. -Yeah. Yes. 1102 00:38:47,359 --> 00:38:50,093 Most of our ebbs and flows financially 1103 00:38:50,128 --> 00:38:53,196 were really just us getting closer together. 1104 00:38:53,231 --> 00:38:55,498 They were financial issues. And I did feel, 1105 00:38:55,534 --> 00:38:57,100 especially when we had the first one 1106 00:38:57,135 --> 00:38:58,601 and we were losing the house and the cars 1107 00:38:58,637 --> 00:39:00,303 and we had to downsize the cars. 1108 00:39:00,339 --> 00:39:01,671 We went from, you know, 1109 00:39:01,707 --> 00:39:03,273 from the mercedes to the... To the toyota, 1110 00:39:03,308 --> 00:39:05,208 -uh, you know to the mazda. -But I liked my toyota, 1111 00:39:05,243 --> 00:39:06,776 -I'm cool. -Right. 1112 00:39:06,812 --> 00:39:09,546 Like those were for me, I did feel 1113 00:39:09,581 --> 00:39:11,548 like a traditional typical male ego 1114 00:39:11,583 --> 00:39:13,817 like, "man, is she gonna still rock with me, 1115 00:39:13,852 --> 00:39:16,119 after we go from a million-dollar home 1116 00:39:16,154 --> 00:39:18,221 to just renting a house? 1117 00:39:18,256 --> 00:39:21,024 Um, is she gonna rock with me when she was in a mercedes 1118 00:39:21,059 --> 00:39:23,326 and now she's in a mazda or toyota?" 1119 00:39:23,362 --> 00:39:24,994 um, I did feel like that, 1120 00:39:25,030 --> 00:39:26,363 but one thing we kept telling each other, 1121 00:39:26,398 --> 00:39:27,897 you know, money will come and go 1122 00:39:27,933 --> 00:39:29,966 -but we got love in spades. -Love and spades. 1123 00:39:30,001 --> 00:39:31,167 -This ain't gonna break us. -Yeah, we got love and spades. 1124 00:39:31,203 --> 00:39:32,836 This ain't gonna break us. It shook us 1125 00:39:32,871 --> 00:39:34,204 but it wasn't gonna break us. 1126 00:39:34,239 --> 00:39:35,572 -Yeah. So those... -And then... 1127 00:39:35,607 --> 00:39:38,041 Those things kept us I think, stronger. 1128 00:39:38,076 --> 00:39:40,377 Like, honestly allowed us to see 1129 00:39:40,412 --> 00:39:42,379 that it wasn't about the money. 1130 00:39:42,414 --> 00:39:44,848 It wasn't about the cars that we just genuinely, 1131 00:39:44,883 --> 00:39:46,182 we had each other's back we... 1132 00:39:46,218 --> 00:39:47,917 -Yes. And we kept talking. -Yeah. 1133 00:39:47,953 --> 00:39:49,919 And so we were make... I would make 1134 00:39:49,955 --> 00:39:52,489 conscious efforts to try and say things 1135 00:39:52,524 --> 00:39:54,491 that are supportive, that are uplifting, 1136 00:39:54,526 --> 00:39:56,426 that are going to be encouraging. 1137 00:39:56,461 --> 00:39:58,595 It's like, "okay. Yeah, this can happen, 1138 00:39:58,630 --> 00:40:00,397 whatever, but I ain't going nowhere. 1139 00:40:03,635 --> 00:40:06,202 There was just so many small things. 1140 00:40:06,238 --> 00:40:07,871 I look back, I call them small now, 1141 00:40:07,906 --> 00:40:10,273 they weren't small, at the time, they were huge, 1142 00:40:10,308 --> 00:40:12,675 because everybody wants their kid to be accepted. 1143 00:40:12,711 --> 00:40:15,578 Nobody wants their kid to be the odd kid out. 1144 00:40:15,614 --> 00:40:17,714 And simple things like play-days. 1145 00:40:17,749 --> 00:40:19,115 Nobody would invite. 1146 00:40:19,151 --> 00:40:20,717 I was in the bathroom and I just pleaded 1147 00:40:20,752 --> 00:40:22,452 I was like, "lord, you know, whatever it is, 1148 00:40:22,487 --> 00:40:24,020 whatever purpose this is, 1149 00:40:24,055 --> 00:40:26,256 whatever platform you give me, I'll take it. 1150 00:40:26,291 --> 00:40:28,191 But please don't take away 1151 00:40:28,226 --> 00:40:30,894 my opportunity of being a mother." 1152 00:40:30,929 --> 00:40:32,195 when she and I were on the phone, 1153 00:40:32,230 --> 00:40:34,197 I was using some colorful language. 1154 00:40:34,232 --> 00:40:35,532 She was like, "you talk like that 1155 00:40:35,567 --> 00:40:36,466 in front of your daughter?" 1156 00:40:36,501 --> 00:40:39,903 and I'm like, "uh, yeah." 1157 00:40:39,938 --> 00:40:41,604 and she was like, "you do realize 1158 00:40:41,640 --> 00:40:44,874 if you talk like that to her, she'll get so used to 1159 00:40:44,910 --> 00:40:48,211 and if a man talks like that to her who's not her father, 1160 00:40:48,246 --> 00:40:49,779 it won't mean anything." 1161 00:40:49,815 --> 00:40:51,548 they were like, "come on jason. 1162 00:40:51,583 --> 00:40:54,284 You gonna... You gonna be such a great father." 1163 00:40:54,319 --> 00:40:56,419 and this is... They were saying that to us... 1164 00:40:56,455 --> 00:40:58,221 To me over dinner 1165 00:40:58,256 --> 00:41:00,924 and, uh, it took someone on the outside 1166 00:41:00,959 --> 00:41:02,725 who is also very close to us 1167 00:41:02,761 --> 00:41:05,061 and actually went through surrogacy as well 1168 00:41:05,096 --> 00:41:06,729 to say something like that. 1169 00:41:06,765 --> 00:41:09,766 [dramatic music playing]