[theme song plays]
♪ One, two One, two, three ♪
[vocalizing]
park.
-Cricket! Cricket! -Aah!
Get the doctor on speed dial, Dad,
because I am gonna play hardcore!
[laughing]
Like I was saying,
it's a perfect day at the park
to do gramma activities with my gramma!
What's that, now?
Oh, she's got a full day planned for you, Ma.
-We're gonna feed the duckies... -Duckies?
-and stroll around with parasols... -Parasols?
And then we'll rub lotion on each other's aching feet.
Tilly, what is that? A list of the lamest stuff ever?
I came to the park to do one thing
and one thing only--
sit on my butt and stare at this pothole.
You'd rather look at a hole than play with me?
Shh!
-Whoa, whoa! [grunts] -Ha-ha!
I'm not leaving this bench.
Gramma's being quite the prickly pear.
Well, that won't stop me from having
-a day of gramma activities. -[laughing] Ooh!
Making that pothole was the best thing I ever did.
Oh, Wyatt, you've finally finished your masterpiece--
a groundbreaking experiment in playground equipment.
Foam, sweet foam.
Oh, save some fun for the children, Wyatt.
[laughing] Yeah!
Welcome to my playground...
Little boy, the playground's over here.
Huh? That thing's a playground?
Well, it's a new kind of playground.
It's safe, and that makes it fun.
Looks boring!
Trees are nature's playground!
-What a curious little boy. -[child laughing]
No matter. Here comes another one now!
Whee! Oh.
Suddenly I don't feel like playing anymore.
I unveil a new playground,
and the children want nothing to do with it.
Hey, hey! Little boy!
Huh? You again? You're so boring!
I think you're exactly right. I am boring.
Do you think you could teach me about this "fun"?
You need a "fun" teacher, huh?
Well, you came to the right guy.
[yawns]
Time for some quality Bill time.
Huh? A Whisbee?
-Anyone lose a flying disc? -Right here, man!
Hey, man, toss it back!
Wow, those are some cool dudes.
Okay, Bill, don't mess this up.
Get ready. It's coming right back atcha, boys!
[grunts]
That one doesn't count! do-over!
Oh boy, Bill, the pressure is on!
Here... goes... nothing.
[grunts] Oh, no.
Uh, dude, it's cool.
Yeah, you just let us know when you figure that out.
Oh, uh, okay, guys! I'll let you know!
-[shouts, grunts] -Ooh!
And another one bites the dust.
[laughing]
-Hello. -What the heck?
Old Gramma, say hello to New Gramma.
Because you won't do gramma stuff with me,
I've replaced you with Phyllis.
I always keep an extra fig in my shoe.
I see. Sounds real fun.
Phyllis, you make me so much happier
than my old Gramma.
Well, I don't care.
Okay, Wyatt, fun lessons are now in session.
I will show you... the way of the fun.
Yes, please! [gasps]
-I win! Rule number one: life is a game. -What?
Rule number two: anything can be a sword.
-Fight me, ya dirty dog! [exclaiming] -[gasping]
-Okay, now you try. -Oh, okay. Arr.
-Murder! Blech! -Wait, what?
-Did that man just knock out that little boy? -What? No!
And now, for my third and final lesson.
-Arms up. -Arms up.
-Legs apart. -Legs apart.
-And... cartwheel! -[exclaiming, groaning]
[groans]
[laughing]
I feel so much pain,
and yet that was so much fun!
Exactly. That's why that playground you made was super boring--
-because you removed the risk of getting hurt. -[gasps]
What if we teamed up and designed a new playground?
One with danger. And risk.
We'll design the best playground ever!
[grunting]
O-Okay, fellas. Third time's the charm.
Oh, hey, look. It's that sweaty guy from earlier.
Bill, don't make a fool of yourself!
[grunts]
Yes.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
Bro, come on!
[awkward chuckle] Guess I don't know my own strength.
Uh, let me just get that.
Tilly don't need me to have fun,
and I don't need her either.
Now, where was I?
Oh, what a wonderful day for a scoot!
This oughta be good!
[Tilly laughing]
Don't mind us. We're just super happy over here.
Will you keep it down? You're gonna make me miss the...
Ow! Officer down! Officer down!
No!
Make sure you capture how happy we are.
Hey, Old Gramma.
New Gramma and I were just getting our caricatures done.
Weren't we, New Gramma?
Father always made time for supper.
Yeah, well, I just came over here to say
you made your dang point-- I will play with you.
-R-Really? You will? -As long as we don't have to do
any of that lame stuff you were talking about earlier.
All right, yeah, never mind. I'm stickin' with Phyllis.
What? You may not think you're replaceable,
but you are, Tilly Green!
-You are! -Yeah, good luck.
There are a million grammas but only one Tilly.
-Wa-hoo! -We did it!
Okay, New Gramma Phyllis, we're going paddle-boating.
-Are we going to the zoo? -No, we're going paddle-boating.
Oh, I love the zoo!
Okay, well, um, onward!
Oh, my gosh! Tilly, is that you?
Yes, it clearly is. What is it?
I just didn't want you to take off
before you met my new little granddaughter,
whose name is, I wanna say...
-Sparkles. -It's Rochelle.
She said she'd pay me $15 to be her granddaughter.
Ha-ha-ha! [whispering] Now it's 10.
Ooh, we got our caricatures done too.
Pretty cool, huh?
Oh, wow. A monster truck. That's not cool.
Dang it, who am I kiddin'? Yes, it is!
See ya later, Old Granddaughter.
Old Granddaughter? [seethes] That does it!
-Ah! -[laughing] Phyllis just told me the funniest joke
about a chicken crossin' a road.
-It was so funny! -[exclaims]
Did I make an oopsie?
You just don't get it, girl! [shouts]
Oh! Come on, Whisbee, where are ya?
[gasps] Yes! Good news, new friends!
The fun is not over yet!
Look, it's really okay. Just don't worry about it.
It's getting late. We're gonna go ahead and get out of here.
[gasps] No!
All right, Bill, this is your last chance.
Introducing the most fun playground
ever built of all time!
-We've minimized safety... -To maximize fun!
-Welcome to Fun-Topia! -[all gasp]
♪ Come with me Little boy ♪
♪ And live the magical Dream of fun ♪
♪ There's no rules to tell you "no" ♪
♪ Not a single one♪
-♪ Danger ♪ -♪ Sharp edges ♪
♪ And a rusty screw ♪
♪ It's a risky paradise ♪
♪ There's big holes To fall into ♪
♪ And a slide ♪
It's kinda shaky.
♪ We know ♪
You've been a jerk to me all day!
Well, I could say the same about you!
-Let's finish this! -With pleasure!
[both exclaiming]
Okay, Bill, it's time to prove
you can impress a couple of cool dudes
and throw this Whisbee!
Hee-yah!
-Whoa! -Bill, what did you do?
-[squawks] -Jimmy!
All right! Huh?
[gasps, screams]
[gasps]
[all exclaiming]
-Oh, boy. -Is this your sick idea of fun?
Where's my son supposed to play now?
[all complaining]
Wyatt, what do we do? Wyatt?
I was merely a pawn in the child's scheme!
-He's the mastermind! -After him!
Ah, beans.
[gasping]
[growling]
Listen lady, I didn't sign up for this.
I got my whole life ahead of me!
Obviously, your granddaughter cares about you.
-Why would she go through all this trouble if she didn't? -Huh?
Oh, my gosh, you're right. We gotta stop this thing!
Oh, no, no, no, no.
[all screaming]
-[panting] -[shouting]
Aah! Stop chasin' me!
I didn't mean to ruin your playground.
I was just trying to improve it.
Well, you ruined it! And now we're gonna ruin you!
Oh, they can climb, they can climb! [exclaims]
I just wanted to make that boring playground as fun as...
as fun as trees. [gasps] That's it!
Stop! Look around you.
We don't need a playground to have fun.
Trees are nature's playground.
Look at all of us up here like a bunch of
-ring-tailed lemurs. -[laughs]
Who's Daddy's little ring-tailed lemur?
That's the spirit! Hooray for trees!
Whoa-oa! [groans] I'm okay.
Hey, wait! You don't have to leave! I'll get your Whisbee!
No, really, dude, it's okay.
-Don't worry about it. -[both] Hey!
[gasps]
Nice throw, dude.
Yes! Ye-e-s!
[gasps] Tilly!
Oh, goodness, there you are, Tilly.
-What do you want? -Tilly, I'm sorry.
I don't blame you for replacing me.
It's not that I don't want to play with you.
I just don't want to do stuff
that makes me feel like an old lady.
I don't think of myself as an old lady, and I don't want to.
Really? I didn't even think about that.
I just like to do stuff that old ladies
also like to do, I guess.
Well, I suppose I could put aside my pride
and play with my granddaughter.
Doesn't hurt that you're cute too.
Ooh! Come here!
Yeah, the water isn't deep at all.
I took this 20 from your pocket.
Phyllis and I are gonna go get ice cream
and try to forget about... all this.
-That was weird, wasn't it? -Kiddo, you have no idea.
-Do you wanna feed the duckies? -Yeah, sure.
Here ya go, little babies.
Ooh, this one's flappin' at me. What's that mean?
-It means he likes you. -Really?
Nah, he's just hungry.
-[kids whoop!
-What are y'all doin'? -[whooping]
We are livin', Papa!
Faster, Tilly! quit holdin' back!
That thing ain't a toy.
You're gonna hit a tree if you're not careful!
What'd you say, Dad?
[both groaning]
I'm comin', I'm comin'.
Now, who wants peas and who wants carrots?
[both, weakly] Peas.
-You can't both have peas. -[Gramma] Goodness goblins.
Is that my grandchildren or just road kill?
Gramma, is that you?
Gramma, we're in pain!
Well, that'll teach you to mess with the tractor.
Ow. Ow.
Huh. You're not playin', are ya?
[inhales] All right, let Gramma handle this.
Y'all sit tight. I know just what to do.
[both, weakly] Peas.
Oh! There's just one bag!
Lightly. Lightly. Ow, ow, ow!
Sweetie, I didn't even touch you!
[sniffs] What is that delicious aroma?
Huh? I smell it too. It's coming from the kitchen.
[sniffs, gasps] Could it be?
[Bill] Feel-better butter biscuits!
Come and get 'em!
I'll be darned.
Ma hasn't made these in years!
Shh! Don't think. Just eat.
[both sighing contentedly]
-More, please! -Help yourselves, sweeties.
I still remember when you made me feel-better biscuits.
Well you're gonna have to keep remembering.
This ain't about you. Now, how y'all feelin'?
-So much better. -Mm-hmm!
Good. And what do we say?
-Thanks, Gramma! -Aw, little sugar and spice.
Now, get outta here, ya scamps!
[laughing]
Uh, what about me?
-You can lick the pan. -I'll take it!
[Cricket grunting]
[sighs] Nope. Still can't fly.
You got real close that time, though.
-Hmm, maybe if I attach a chicken to each arm? -Maybe.
-[stomach grumbles] -Hey, I'm getting kinda hungry.
Now that you mention it, so am I.
You think Gramma would make us more of those biscuits?
I don't see why not. We should go ask.
Yeah.
Aw, dang it. Almost had it.
What do you want? I'm busy.
Hey, Gramma. It's Cricket and Tilly
from a few doors down, and we were just wondering
if you could make us some of those delicious
feel-better butter biscuits.
They were so good, and they made us so happy.
Aw, sweetie, I'd love to. But the answer is no.
-Why not?
Sorry, sweeties. Them's the rules.
Now, leave me be. I'm in the middle of something.
Gramma, wait!
[screams]
My bedroom is private property, boy!
You know better than to come into my room uninvited.
I'm sorry, Gramma. We just really want those...
biscuits.
-[frustrated sigh] -[Bill laughing]
Father, why are you laughing?
If you want Gramma's biscuits, you gotta get hurt.
Let me break it down for you.
Your mom only got 'em once,
after that big motorcycle crash,
and I haven't had 'em since I lost my finger to the hay baler.
Those biscuits were so dang good,
it made me want to lose another finger.
Surely I don't need all of them.
Dad, you're right. Tilly, if we want biscuits,
we gotta get hurt real bad.
Sounds like a good plan, brother.
Except for the "getting hurt" part. That sounds painful.
Well, maybe we don't need to get hurt.
Maybe we just need to make Gramma think we got hurt.
-Oh, my little Dirtbag. -[purring]
Wake up, little baby. Wake up.
Wake up! Aw, you're awake?
[Cricket] Aah! Gramma, come here quick! Help us! -[Tilly] Gramma, help, help!
Cricket? Tilly? What are y'all doing?
You're not supposed to be up there!
-Okay, Tilly, now! -[both shout]
-Oh, my goodness! -[panicked shouting]
[Tilly] Ah, cactus! No!
Oh, their little spines!
No-o-o!
Why would he do that?!
[shouting]
Hold on, babies, I'm coming!
[both grunt]
Bleh!
-Kids! Are you okay? -G-Gramma?
Gramma, we don't feel too hot.
We could really use some of those biscuits.
Biscuits come later, my sweet darlings.
Right now I need to reset your spines.
-Do what, now? -Haven't used this technique since the war.
Now, hold still.
I'd say this won't hurt much, but I ain't no liar.
[grunts] Gramma, we're fine! We lied! We're not really hurt!
Dang it, Cricket, we were so close!
I mean, oh, my bones!
They are in disarray!
I can't believe this! You bamboozled me!
[grunts] Gramma, no, wait! We just wanted the biscuits!
Well, the only thing you're getting from me is... disappointment.
-Oh! My heart! -Gramma, please! We're sorry!
[both protesting, groaning]
-Well, that was a bust. -Cricket, we gotta do something.
My body's rejecting all other foods!
-I need those biscuits! -You know what?
We don't need Gramma to make biscuits for us.
We can make 'em ourselves.
I like where your head's at, brother.
Now, what's in biscuits?
Well, biscuits are made out of bread.
Bread. Got it. All right, what's next?
I know Papa adds flower to this kind of stuff.
Yep, yep, yep. And some honey mustard
to give it that nice golden color.
And finally, the eggs.
What do you think, one or two?
Mm, three?
Time to stir.
Tilly, are you ready
for the best biscuits you've ever tasted?
Lookin' good. Lookin' good.
Well, what are we waiting for? Let's try 'em.
[exclaims]
[whimpers, squeaks]
[both] Blech!
What have we done?
Gaah! I just want biscuits!
[chuckles] Welcome to the club.
I've been trying to get my hands on a feel-better butter biscuit for years.
Did you really think you could simply bake 'em on your own?
-Yes. -You always tell us to believe in ourselves.
Fools, both of you!
-Rude. -Yeah, Dad. What the heck?
Oh, sorry, kids. It's just,
I've tried countless times to make those biscuits.
But it's useless without Gramma's secret recipe book.
Gramma's secret recipe book?
Yeah. Her secret recipe book. She keeps it hidden in her room.
-Hidden in her room? -Th-That's what I just said.
-That's what you just said? -How hard did you hit your head earlier?
What Cricket means is we just got to
sneak into Gramma's room and find her recipe book.
Well, I suppose, but are you really crazy enough to cross your Gramma?
You bet.
Sounds like a plan.
And now back to "The Last Days of our Lives."
[woman on TV] Eustace, I love you.
-I've always loved you. -What?
Ooh, steamy.
All right, Gramma's busy watching her show.
That gives us some time to search her room for the recipe book.
But we got to get in and out as fast as possi...ble...
Dad, what are you wearing?
You said, wear black. This is the only black shirt I have.
-Well, do something about that nonsense. -Oh, okay.
-[rattling] -Dang, it's locked.
I got this. Papa, give me your credit card.
Sweetie, where did you learn to...
Shh, Papa. We're on a mission.
Remember, that recipe book could be anywhere,
so leave no stone untur-- Whoa!
Oh, my gosh, this whole place is booby-trapped!
-It's what? -[clattering]
[screams]
Oh. I see what you mean.
Tilly, what happened? [exclaiming]
[grunting]
[relieved sigh] Oh! This was a mistake!
Papa, hang on! I'm coming!
[screaming]
Never mind.
Tilly! Cricket! We gotta get out of here!
Not yet! That recipe book's gotta be around here somewhere!
-[beeping] -Huh?
[screams]
"Thunk"? What kind of pillow goes thunk?
[gasps] Aha! I found it!
Package secure. Time to read that recipe.
[air horn blares]
Do you think she heard that?
-Trespassers! -[screams] Ma!
I'm sorry. We surrender. We surrender.
Kids, say you surrender.
If we surrender, will you make us more biscuits?
-No. -Then never!
[groans] Well, I'm out of ideas.
Gramma, if you want this book,
you'll have to pry it from my buttery, unwashed hands.
All right, bucko, if that's how you wanna play it.
[cries out]
-[shouting] -[gasping]
You don't know what you're doing, boy!
Trust me, it's better this way!
Oh yeah? Well, it's "butter" this way!
Wha?
-Gotcha! -[grunts]
-Thanks, Tilly. -No biscuits, no glory!
Ha-ha! I have the high ground!
Nothing can stop me.
Now I can make biscuits whenever I want.
-That's the problem! -Huh?
Listen, those biscuits are special.
And if something happens all the time, well,
it stops being special.
Plus, well, you know,
it makes me feel special,
like you guys need me.
Oh, but go on.
Enjoy your biscuits whenever you want.
Those biscuits are the best thing I've ever eaten.
They really are special. So... let's keep it that way.
[gasps] That's...
That's real sweet of you, Cricket.
Oh, well, look at that.
The fifth tear I've ever shed.
All right, ya'll get over here.
[all] Aw!
Now, nobody move.
I gotta turn off the booby traps.
Do what now?
[all screaming]
[alarm beeping]
[munching contentedly]
[all gulp, sigh]
Okay, let's go to the hospital.
my eyes ♪
♪ I lost a bet and got bit By a hundred flies ♪
♪ And I fell out A big, old tree ♪
♪ Hit every branch And scraped up both my knees ♪
♪ A got chased by a dog Bit by a frog ♪
♪ Got a rash on my legs Dropped a dozen eggs ♪
♪ I got splinters At seven and 10 ♪
♪ And tomorrow I'll do it all again ♪