Now this is what I call an authentic medieval costume.
I’ll say. Your mother bought it from the history museum.
It’s priceless, dear.
So wear a bib if you’re going to eat.
Vasquez!
[grunts]
A bib for Master Remy.
You look different.
Why aren’t you wearing your customary sweater vest?
I, Sir Remy Remington,
am attending the community center’s annual medieval party.
We dress up how they did in the olden times.
Then I must select a costume at once.
I’m ready.
Oh, you don’t need to come.
I’ll be fine on my own.
You without a bodyguard?
Good one, Master Remy. [laughs]
Actually, we think he’s earned some independence.
We’re benching you, man. Take the night off.
You hear that, Vasquez?
[slowing] I don’t need you anymore!
[echoing] ...anymore. ...anymore.
[Rashida] Oh, look, the Greens are here.
- Good morrow, Lord Remington. - How fare ye?
[Vasquez] He doesn’t need me? He doesn’t need me?
Well, I must be off. My chariot awaits!
[Vasquez] Ah! Wait!
Master Remy... Oh!
[groans]
- Vasquez? - Vasquez?
- [both] Vasquez?
[groans] What happened?
You had a panic attack.
Attack? Where? Who?
No, no, we’re talking about anxiety.
You got blitzed by your own brain.
We thought you might want somebody to talk to,
so we called our mobile therapist.
Therapist?
- Good luck, buddy. - Hope you feel better.
[sighs]
It’s nice to meet you, Vasquez.
My name is Dr. Maya Bloom,
and this is a safe space to be vulnerable.
- Hmph! - Now,
what brings me in today?
The Remingtons are trying to keep me from doing my job!
And I take it that wounded you?
Wounded? Do I look like I’m bleeding?
Not on the outside, no.
But when we care about someone and they hurt us,
we feel it in our hearts just as deeply.
Don’t you have someone you care about?
Huh?
Master Remy.
I almost die at least once a day trying to protect him.
He hangs with a well-meaning, but very reckless country boy.
I see.
Now tell me, how did you and Remy meet?
It was late one night, many moons ago.
I was working with my former brotherhood.
A group of mercenaries called...
[all grunt]
...the Order of the Fang.
Wait, so you were a criminal?
Lady, is this a safe space or not?
It is. Please continue.
[thieves panting]
[Vasquez] We heard a Big City couple were in possession
of our ancient scroll of dark secrets.
They purchased it from a natural history museum
to include in their personal collection.
They are very wealthy.
The lost scroll!
Viper Fang, I found it.
Good work, Tiger Fang.
[Vasquez] Little did we know...
[door handle rattling]
...we were in for a surprise.
- [crying] - Uh-oh.
Somebody’s ready for bed.
They’re back early.
Fangs, shadow formation.
Russ, why don’t you grab that ancient scroll Remy likes
from the gallery?
[Russell] Kid loves that thing like a blankie.
There it is.
This thing is cool.
[hums]
[gasps] The scroll.
[whimpering and crying]
[Russell] Here you go, bud.
Our beautiful little nerd.
I love him so much.
Now’s our chance.
Excellent.
[grunting]
Baby, you must give me the scroll.
[straining]
[cries]
- Shh! Here! Here! - [coos]
The baby’s cries will alert his parents.
No matter. Take the baby as well.
Take him?
The first time I picked up Master Remy,
- I knew. - [cooing]
He was the most pure, innocent being I had ever seen.
The true embodiment of all things good.
- [Remy giggling] - Huh?
Come on, Tiger Fang. What’s the holdup?
I don’t think we should take him.
Why not? The baby will love the Order.
And if it doesn’t, we’ll throw it in the dungeon until it does.
What? What are you doing?
I can’t explain it,
but I feel in my heart this baby must follow
a different path.
[coos and blows raspberry]
But, Tiger Fang. The scroll!
Forget the scroll.
I have always followed the ways of the Order,
but this time, I must do things my way.
I cannot let you take the infant.
[gasps] The Master will be most displeased with your betrayal.
So be it!
[whistles] Well, boys.
Looks like the objective’s changed.
Eliminate Tiger Fang!
[grunting]
[growls]
[yells]
- [cooing] - [blows landing]
- [grunts] - Ah!
Come on, Tiger Fang.
You’d really throw everything away for this stinky baby?
- What’s going on in here? - [gasps]
[Rashida] They have Remy!
[toy squeaks]
Uh-oh.
[grunting]
Get back!
Huh?
No, no, no-- Whoa!
[giggles]
- [both gasp] - He’s good.
Here you go, little guy.
It’s no use.
- Oh, no! - Save our baby, mysterious stranger!
The child is ours! [hisses]
No, he’s not!
Ah! I’m lactose intolerant!
[all scream]
[Viper Fang] This isn’t over, Tiger Fang!
Hey, man, you know how to kick some butt.
You saved our precious baby boy.
How can we ever repay you, Mister...
The name is Tiger F-- Uh... Vasquez.
Well, Mr. Tigerfuhvasquez--
Can I just call you Vasquez?
- Mm. - Cool.
Seeing how you expertly protected our son from all that danger,
we’d love to hire you as a bodyguard.
I accept.
From this day onward,
I will be there for him. Always.
Master Remy was too young to remember that night.
- But ever since then, I kept my word. - Whee!
[children laughing]
I was the barrier between him and imminent danger.
- Hyah! - [squawks]
He’s never known life without me by his side.
Hmm, that’s true.
You’ve protected him, taught him many things
and helped him grow.
Yes! You get it.
And now you’re coming to terms with that reality
that he’s ready to go and do some things on his own?
No! You don’t get it. He needs me.
I must protect him always.
- [watch beeps] - [gasps] Oh, no.
Master Remy’s sweat tracker.
His skin moisture level went from clammy to glistening.
Master Remy’s in danger. I must go to him.
But our session isn’t over.
Then we must go to him.
♪ Whisk, O thee merry ♪
♪ Thy feet, they be weary ♪
♪ For a cuda named Barry ♪
[hums]
My royal subjects,
your queen is not pleased with having to wait in line
like some kind of basic pleb!
Why, greetings, Your Majesty.
As your lady-in-waiting,
it is my sacred duty to wait in this line
for your red sugary beverage.
Prithee, away.
Thanks, Tilly. I will prithee away.
It’s a living.
Okayeth, Remy.
Getteth ready for a noodle inneth your noggin.
I, the esteemed and chivalrous Sir Remy Remington,
accept your challenge!
Now mount thine steed!
Vasquez, are you familiar with the term "helicopter parent"?
No! Come.
This way.
Master Remy?
Hmm.
Master Remy! Jousting?
Cricket?
It’s going downeth!
[gasps] Nobody told me he’d be competing
in a dangerous sporting event.
[growls]
[laughing]
I will protect you, Master Remy,
from any harm that shall befall you.
No matter what.
No matter what!
Vasquez, let’s think about this.
[both yelling excitedly]
[gasps] No!
I could have saved him! [sobs]
Focus, Vasquez. You’re close to a breakthrough.
I’ll break through anything to protect Master Remy.
Starting with this glass!
Hold on. Look at Remy.
Does he really look like the helpless boy
you saved from danger so long ago?
Huh?
[groaning]
[laughs] Hark!
Let us continue in our revelry!
So it’s true.
Master Remy really doesn’t need me anymore.
- [sobs] - [party favors blowing]
Exactly.
Congratulations, Mr. Vasquez.
[whimpering] This is a good thing?
Well, it certainly is a natural thing.
Relationships can grow and change.
Even bodyguarding ones.
- [watch beeps] - Oop!
Well, looks like our time is up.
- Goodbye, Vasquez. - Huh?
[gasps] Huh?
If you’d like to chat again, you have my card.
Wait! Wait! I don’t understand.
What do I do now?
Oh, please, after thee.
And after thee. Oh, after thee.
I am the lady-in-waiting.
[sighs] ’Tis bliss.
Sir Vasquez!
Thou should’ve seeneth it!
I, Sir Remy, ’twere master of the joust!
Sure, Cricket had lanced me a few times,
but that hath made it all the more jovial.
Whateth can I sayeth?
I’m very glad you had a good time
all on your own, Master Remy.
You didn’t need me after all.
I did miss you, though.
I still want you around,
even if I don’t need you.
Really?
I understand now.
I don’t need to protect you all the time,
but that doesn’t mean I’m gonna lose you.
Of course not!
You may not always be my bodyguard,
but you’ll always be my buddyguard.
[laughs] Oh!
♪ I got sweat in my eyes ♪
♪ Lost a bet, got bit by 100 flies ♪
♪ I fell out a big old tree ♪
♪ Hit every branch And scraped up both my knees ♪
♪ I got chased by a dog ♪
♪ Licked by a frog ♪
♪ Got a rash on my leg ♪
♪ Dropped a dozen eggs ♪
♪ I got splinters in seven of ten ♪
♪ And tomorrow I’ll do it all again ♪