NARRATOR: 'Once upon a time, there was a little girl called Zoe.
'She lived...not there,
'not there,
'but here, all the way up on the 37th floor.
'Zoe lived with her mum and dad.'
Raspberry ripple.'Her dad worked in an ice cream factory.
'He packed boxes, but his dream was to invent a brand-new flavour of ice cream,
'the flavour that would make them all rich.
'But when Zoe's mum died,
'so did his dream.
'Soon after, the factory closed down
'and he lost his job.
'He met a new woman, Sheila.'
FORCED COUGH
'They married.
'But for Zoe, no-one could replace her mum.
'She missed her with all her heart.'
# Having the time of your life
# See that girl... #
Your mum always said you'd be great on a show like this.
Maybe one day, Dad.
'Whilst Dad struggled to make ends meet,
'Zoe dreamt of being an animal trainer.'
Ready? Open your eyes.
Oh!
Do you like him?
What are you gonna call him? Gingernut.Great name.
Two, one, jump. Jump over!
'Zoe spent every night trying to teach Gingernut tricks
'in the hope that one day they'd be stars.
'But things don't always happen to plan.'
No!
Sheila! It's Gingernut. He's not well!
I don't care.Please help!
Oh dear, oh dear, and all that stuff!
Is Gingernut gonna be OK?
Not really. He's snuffed it.
Heart-breaking, innit?
Come on, let's flush it down the bog.No!
We have to have a service for Gingernut.
Say a poem.
If it's yellow, let it mellow,
if it's brown, flush it down.
There, that were lovely, weren't it?
PHONE BEEPS
Oh, I've sold the cage on eBay. Result!
Oh, no. It's a floater.
Oi!
Tina Trotts, it's not funny the 100th time!
Yeah, it is!
101!
Dad!Zoe, what's the matter?
It's Gingernut. He's dead.
Oh, I'm sorry, love.
What time do you finish work today?
I thought we could go to the park after school like we used to.
I'd love to, but when I finish this, I have to go and put on my chicken costume and give out free nuggets.
Why do you have to work all the time? Your mum needs stuff.She's not my mum. Never was and never will be.
Zoe, wait! Zoe!
Roll up, kiddies! Get your breakfast here!
Burger in a bap. Sausage in a bap.
Or for the "vegetablarians",
bap in a bap.
Good morning, school. ALL SOUND BORED: Good morning, Headmaster.
Such enthusiasm(!)
Right, now, this morning, I received a letter from the local council.
They informed me
that we have come top in a list of unhealthiest schools in the country.
CHEERING
No, no, no. No!
Don't clap. It's not a good thing.
It is a bad thing.
MUTTERING I understood, Headmaster.
Thank you, Miss Maxwell. It's a BAD thing!
It certainly is. That is why the governors have requested
that the very lively TV chef...
(Charlie Jacobs.) ..Charlie Jacobs comes here
to teach you all about healthy eating.
That's a GOOD thing. It is, Miss Maxwell.
(Judith.)
They've loved each other for years.
He's just too shy to do anything about it.
So beautifully tragic.Just tragic.
BELL RINGS How's prep for the talent show?
Has Gingernut run through a cardboard tube yet?
No. He's...dead.
Oh, no. Hug?
How did he...you know, go?
I don't know. My stepmum might have had something to do with it.
No-one's that evil, surely?
Well, I don't think any of us stand a chance in this talent show.
Do we? Not against the teacher's pet.
# Because the greatest love of all is happening to me-e-e
# I found the greatest love of all
# Inside of me... #
Jemma...
I didn't like it.
Oh.
I loved it!I just hope the judges agree with you.
There's just one judge.
Me.
LOUD BANG
Oh, dear, my hand slipped.
That was well funny, teens.
Yeah, double well funny, teens.
Hey, wait. Weren't they my crisps?
Excuse me. Future star coming through.
There you go, lads.You're not having something from Burt's van?
Anything's better than school dinners. Hello, my dears. What will it be?
A burger, please, Burt, and what's the smallest fries you do?
Extra, extra...large.
Just the burger. Sure you don't want one?
Sorry, my dear, was that a nod or a shake? Me glasses are covered in grease.
It was a shake, so that's a "no", thanks.
You don't know what you're missing.
What kind of meat is it?Good meat.
I'll get me special sauce on that.
That's enough.
Thanks.
Bon "appetite".
It's got a kick to it all right. Want a bite?
Don't want to spoil your tea? What tea?
Don't touch me crisps!
DOORBELL RINGS
Get that!
Can we come in, miss? Who is it?The police.
Tell 'em to bog off!Come in.
I meant to pay for these crisps, but they must have fallen off the shelf into my handbag.
Madam, we're just doing door-to-door inquiries. A health inspector was inspecting local fast-food vans.
He's gone missing. We think he might be...dead.
Right, nothing serious then.
Go on, Jezza, slam him!
If you do see anything suspicious, here is my card.
Yeah, yeah.Just mine!
And thank you for your time. Can you shut up while Jezza Kyle's on?Sorry.
What's he doing with her? She's well rank.Sorry to disturb you. Don't keep apologising.
We're doing our job.Sorry. Stop apologising.Shut it!
BOTH: Sorry!
You witches!
SOBBING Poor thing.
Someone has it even worse than me.
And there's a rat in my room. Great(!)
SQUEAKS Aw!
You're little, aren't you? SQUEAKS
You need to get back to your mum.
SQUEAKS
You don't have a mum either...?
You don't...understand me, do you?
MOBILE PHONE JINGLE
Harry?Talent show update.
No, Harry, could you call back? Sure. When?Right now.
MOBILE PHONE JINGLE
I don't believe it. You want to dance?
Can't stop. Explain tomorrow. Bye.
I could be your trainer. Would you like that?
These were my mum's.
MUSIC: Dancing Queen - ABBA
When my mum taught me to dance,
she said, "You have to feel the music, like this."
Hmm, almost. It's more like this.
# Having the time of your life... #
Yes, that's it. You're a genius.
# Watch that scene Diggin' the dancing queen... #
KNOCK AT DOOR Turn it down!
I can barely hear myself trump. Sorry.
You will be.
# Looking out for the place to go
# Where they play the right music... #
We'll have to keep you secret from her. OK?
Remember, best behaviour.
SQUEAKS
Oi!
Slobber!
How original(!) All right, I'm trying.
Hi, Dad.I got you a present.
Sorry about Gingernut.
I got you this.
Thanks, Dad. You're the best.
Oh, I wish I was.
'Remember, today is Healthy Eating Day.'
Come on, kids. Dump that junk. In there, come on.
Don't! Not today!
Go away!This is my pitch.
Not today, it isn't. Selling burgers is my life. I'm a friend to these kiddies.
The other day, I visited one who was in hospital for obesity.
I brought him a bag of burgers.
We have a special visitor at the school today and the last thing we need here is you, so shoo!
No more meal deals for you.
Headmaster! Are you all right? Shall I give you the kiss of life?
TYRES SCREECH
I have to show you something. In private.
Sounds inappropriate... Let's do it!
I've got a rat in my pocket
and he's a wicked dancer.
Zoe, Zoe, Zoe. I'm afraid you're imagining it.
Your unhappy childhood has clearly led you to construct a powerful fantasy life.
OK.
Phone.
# Doh...doh-doh-doh, doh-doh-doh
# Doh-doh, doh-doh-doh, doh-doh-doh
# Come on! Doh...doh-doh-doh, doh-doh-doh
# Don't believe me, just watch... #
That is the most amazing thing I have ever seen.
# Don't believe me, just watch... #
Oh, no.
Here we go.
It gives me enormous pleasure
to introduce our special guest.
Now, you may have seen him
on TV in, um...
Hey! CHEERING
Ha-ha! All right, kids? How are we doing?
I haven't finished your introduction.Big respect to the Big F...Mr Fellowes.
..for letting me come and tell all of you about veggies.
Now, hey, hey, hey, I know some of you think they're "yucksome".
But I'm telling you, they're not just "delish", yeah?
They're wicked "delish". Check this out.
Ho, ho, ho, ho-ho!
Oh, my days!
Completely normal pizza?
No, because instead of salty pepperoni,
we've got Brussels sprouts.
F-meister, mate, have a taste.
Oh, right, yeah. Yeah!
Here we go.
Hmm!
Do we have any water?Water?
I tell you what, I've got something better.
Yeah? How about some refreshing "beats"?
Yeah, come on!
All right, here we go!
# Boom, my rainbow plate
# Yeah, Snapchat that, classmate
# I'm here to slice the plus-sized lie that veggies don't taste great... #
Maybe he needs the toilet.
After me! # Tell your mum, tell your pals, if you eat less meat, you get healthy bowels
# Tell your mum, tell your pals, if you eat less meat, you get healthy bowels... #
If you need to go, go now.
I can't just keep calling you "you". You need a name. Everyone needs a name.
SQUEAKS
Armitage. What do you think?
SQUEAKS Good. Armitage, it is.
# Tell your mum, tell your pals, if you eat less meat, you get healthy bowels... #
Shut up!Yes, Tina. Sorry, Tina.
Ssh... SQUEAKS
BANGS ON DOOR Who's in there?
Just me, your good friend Zoe.
What are you doing?
Having a wee, of course.
Psssss!
I'm gonna count to one.
Oh, hello, my good friend Tina.
Goodbye, my good friend Tina. Where do you think you're going?
You're not allowed in here. Me and my gang use these bogs for selling our stolen stuff.
So you best buy something.
Trainers come in pairs.
I know that, Ein-"stain", but they only put one out on the shelves.
I don't have any money.I bet you do.
Not in there!Aaaaagh! Someone will hear!
Aaaagh!
Aaaagh, aaaagh!
SCREAMING CONTINUES
What's going on? Aaagh! A rat in the school!
What's all this noise? Aaaagh, a rat!
It won't come off!It's my rat!
Your rat? Get Tina Trotts to the sickbay and you wait in my office!
You are expelled.No, please.
All right then, suspended.
Thank you. As long as I'm back in school in time for the talent show.
I'm teaching Armitage here to dance. Over my dead from bubonic plague body!
Animal acts are banned from my talent show.
Can't I just show you what Armitage can do?Well, I would be curious.
No! You heard what Miss Maxwell said.
No!Now get out and take your little...
health risk with you.
Hear, hear!
I like the way you shouted at her.
Oh...
I can shout at you any time if...
if you like.Um...
I've got some headmastery things to do.
Yes. Yes, of course.
Yes...
Goodbye!
Oh...
HE SIGHS
SQUEAKS Not now.
I can smell a rat.
SNIFFS
TURNS ON IGNITION
A-ha, Miss Zoe!
My favourite customer!
Hi, Raj.Let me tell you about today's special offer -
103 Creme Eggs for the price of 102!
Sorry, Raj. No money. Not even a penny?
For that, you can have one Tic Tac or two-thirds of a Wotsit.
I've got zilch. Oh, but you look hungry.
Here, have a small nibble on a chocolate bar.
Thank you. Try and eat around the edges.
Then I can put it back and the next customer will never know.
HE CHUCKLES
I can't help noticing.
Is that a rat?
Yeah, he's called Armitage. You bring a rat into my shop?
I'm so sorry, Raj. I wasn't thinking. I am pleased you did.
He's adorable!I wanted to enter us into the school talent show.
I would love to be on a TV talent show, but I have no talent.
I suppose I can be a judge.
There must be something you could do. I can identify chocolate bars blindfolded.
So what would you and Armitage do? Dance.
HE LAUGHS
SQUEAKS
Don't worry, we're still working on that.
Wow! I never knew rats could dance.
It just shows you should never judge a book by its cover.
I love him!
Armitage is always welcome in my shop.
But aren't you worried about health inspectors?Oh, he came recently, that poor man who went missing.
Look!
He gave you a cross.
No, no, no, it's an "x". It stands for "excellent".
You got suspended?Yeah.Cool.
I don't care about missing lessons, but we're not allowed to do the talent show.Why?
Miss Maxwell says animal acts are banned.What's her problem?Dunno.
Maybe she's racist against rats.
Rattist.Exactly.
It's just not fair. You can't give up.No?
Did Lady Gaga give up when art pop bombed in America?I've no idea.
Did Rihanna throw in the towel when the video for Pour It Up was banned? I imagine not.
Did Beyonce stop making music when her marriage to Jay-Z... I can see where this is going.
These sisters had it, they lost it, but they got it back on their own terms.
Right, so, basically, don't give up? Yeah.Got it.
You took your time. There's someone here for you.
GROWLING
Why is the burger man here? I'm not the burger man.
I'm the pest control man.
No, you're called Burt and you run the burger van.
I am not Burt. You look exactly like him.
I'm his twin brother.
What's your name then?
Burt.
Right.My family were very poor. They could only afford the one name.
I am Burt, the pest control man.
Have a look. My van is out there.
And I hear you've got a little...
..problem.With a horrible rat. The school called.
Now, you will go
and put it in there.
I don't have a rat.You're lying.
SNIFFS I can smell a rat from miles away.
Little ones smell especially sweet.
What do you do to the rats once you've caught 'em?
I hit them with this mallet.
And then I pulverise them.
Oh! Is it painful?
Very.
Oh, Burt!Maybe I could take you out one evening and talk you through the pulverisation process.
Oh, yeah. I'd like that.
A lot.Tomorrow night?
Meet me round the back of the bins.
Seven o'clock. Don't be late.
Listen, thanks so much for visiting and hitting on my married stepmum, but there's no rats here.
She's lying, the little toerag! I can see it wiggling in her blazer.
You win. Give me the cage and I'll put him in.
You're doing the right thing.
Clever girl.
Prawn cocktail?Uh-huh.
Very posh.
Goodbye, my friend.
Duh-duh! Shame, really.
Now can I watch you pulverising him? I've got to hit it with this mallet first.
You wicked child!
Oh!
Run!
He won't get far. No rat has ever out-smarted me.
And when I find him, I'm going to make him suffer
for a long...long...time!
HE GROWLS
Until tomorrow night, my sweet.
Hmm...
How dare you, making me look bad in front of that nice man!
You go to your room and you don't come out until spring.
Wait till I tell Dad about this!
You wouldn't dare.
I have to get out and find Armitage.
What are you doing in there?
You'd better have some grub. I don't want you dying on me.
You need a wash, dirty little creature.
RADIO ON
Hang on.
You little toerag!
Tina?Nobody's taking Rabbit.
You!
You get here! I'm gonna snap you apart!
I'm gonna tear you to bits! Come here!
Aaaaagh!
Aaagh!Aaagh!
COUGHING Come here!
Aaagh!
Agh! I'm stuck!Hold on, I'm trying!
Aaaagh!
Armitage! Armitage, I was so worried. I thought that...
Gotcha! HE LAUGHS
I sniff you here, I sniff you there.
I sniff you everywhere!
This is the last time I'm gonna be nice.
Give me that rat. You'll have to learn to fly first.
He's smart. He'll run. He'll run for miles.
I'll find him. Just you see.
Ow!
I'll get you, little rat.
Armitage, he's gone. You can come back now, Armitage.
Armitage?
Zoe? What are you doing out so late?
Sorry, Dad. Come on, you should be in bed.
Just to warn you, my room's a bit of a mess.
So what's new?
Who's Armitage?Um...
Oh, Gary, my love.
It'll be so nice looking after my darling stepdaughter all day.
That's nice, isn't it, Zoe? So good to see you two finally getting along.
What's that? Oh, a slight bit of dandruff.
Oh.
Have a great day, you two.
Oh, we will. Won't we, poppet?
If you ever tell your dad about me and Burt, I will put you in an orphanage.
Do you understand?
Armitage! Armitage!
Armitage, please!
Armitage!
I can't find him, Raj. I don't know what to...
Armitage!
See, my friend, I told you she would come.
How did he get here?
He was sitting outside the window. He must have remembered getting a treat last time.
Miss Zoe, you are upset.
Who is making you unhappy? Who isn't?
That big, fat bully Tina Trotts, that meanie Miss Maxwell and my evil dragon of a stepmum.
"Tut" and another "tut"!
What did I tell you about judging books by their covers?
Come off it, Raj. They're all horrible.
Tina has been here many times. She is probably my favourite shoplifter.
Last time I caught her, we had a nice chat and she opened up about how miserable her life is.
Yeah, she lives in the flat next door. I heard her crying.Poor thing.
She's a nice girl underneath it all.
Maybe, but what about Miss Maxwell?
Your teacher has had a life of disappointments, but she has a good heart.
She always tells me to keep the change if it's one pence or less.
And my stepmum?
Well, she...
When she...
No, I can't think of anything nice to say about her.
SQUEAKS
Nice to have me back, kiddies?
Hey! All right, kids?
Listen, if it's snack time, don't have a burger. Why not try
some of my delicious rhubarb and beetroot hummus? Am I right? Hey!
Look at their little faces.
Come on!
If you eat it, I'll buy you all some chocolate. CHEERING
There we go. Look at that.
Kiddies? Kiddies!
Oh... Oh, brilliant.
Hello, mate.Who are you?
A-Are you joking? Mate, I'm Charlie Jacobs.
Charlie Jacobs. 15-minute meals!
Charlie Jacobs, one-minute meals. ..No?
Charlie Jacobs, five-second meals?
Um...
What's your name, my working-class chum?Burt.
Right. Listen, Burt...now that I'm here, school dinners are going to get very healthy and pukka delish.
Yeah? So sorry, mate, but kiddies aren't going to want your burgers any more! Laters!
Enough is enough.
I'm looking for another missing person.Stop losing them, then!
It's Charlie Jacobs, the TV chef. I've got all his cookbooks. And his calendars.
Oh, and a poster where he's licking a spoon, but when I look at it I go all...funny.
Well, I ain't seen him. He came to my school. To make one of his TV programmes.
That's right.Do you have any idea who might want him out of the way? No, she don't!Let the girl speak.
Well, Charlie Jacobs was trying to get us to eat healthy food,
so...Burt the burger man... Don't believe her!Why not? You can't trust her.
She's been suspended from school. Smuggled in a rat and it bit one of the other girls.Well...
Thank you for your time, madam.
We're sorry...not sorry for disturbing you.
Don't do it again. We won't. Sorry...
Come on, let's go.Sorry. I'm taking you on a course. Assertive Policing.
Will there be biscuits?Probably!
DOOR SLAMS Sorry!
I don't want to hear another thing out of you. I've only got seven hours to get ready for my hot date!
MUSIC: "Dancing Queen" by ABBA
Ahem!
What's the matter? Never seen a beautiful woman before?
MUSIC OFF
No!
Not when you're upsetting the neighbours. Tell your dad I'm at the bingo.
Burt!
Awright, darling?
Hello, handsome.
How do I look?
Mmm...good enough to eat.
So...what are we gonna do?
We're gonna have the most magical night of our lives?
Then I've got to clean out the grease traps. Get in.
Ooh!
# They say we're young and we don't know... #
Right now, flip your arm over your head.
# Well, I don't know if all that's true
# But you got me and, baby, I've got you... #
Give us a beautiful smile.
# Babe, I got you, babe...# Will that do?Very nice.
# I got you, babe... #
Right. Now open your eyes.
# They say our love won't pay the rent... #
ALARM RINGS
Diamonds.
They go with your eyes.
Perfect.
# Babe
# I got you, babe... #
That were a perfick evening. I forgot what true happiness felt like.
It was all right. I'd give it...
six out of ten. I wish I could kiss you good night, but I'm shackled to another.
The fates are against us. We can never be.
Oh. Well, see you around. No, Burt! You're right! A beauty like mine must be set free.
Hmm.
Phwoar.
It's OK, Armitage. I'm going to lock the door and keep you safe.
Nobody's going to...
..get you.
That better not be the rat that bit me.No, it's...a different one.
OK. It is. But don't judge a book by its cover. Really, he's a pussycat.
No, really, he's a rat. HE HISSES
You stop that! If Raj says Tina's a nice girl, she must be.
Did Raj say that?Yeah.
Nobody's ever called me nice before.
I've got something I need to say. What?
I'm...sorry.You what?
I'm sorry!For flobbing on my head? Yeah. And all the other stuff I've done to you.
Was that you I heard crying? You won't tell nobody?!No!
It's my dad.
He...bullies me.
Maybe that's why you bully people.
I never thought of it like that.
Oh...
He won't bite you again. Really?Promise.
See? He likes you.
Maybe he ain't that bad after all. Guess what. He dances.
Shut up!He does.
I wanted to enter him in the school talent show, but Maxwell banned all animal acts.Ain't you seen YouTube?
What?
'So will the winner of Britain's Golden Voice be'
schoolteacher Judith Maxwell?
Or Cookie the cat?
Remember, there's £1,000 up for grabs and the chance to perform for Princess Anne.
Good luck to you both.
I can now reveal that the winner is...
Cookie the cat! CHEERING
He can't sing.
It's a cat!
It just miaows vaguely in tune. BOOING
Princess Anne doesn't even like cats. She's into horses!
And what in heaven's name is a cat going to spend 10,000...
Amazing! You can see why she hates animals.
Well, it's not Armitage's fault. You've still got to enter him. The school will go bonkers for him.
Maxwell can do one.I'm not sure what that means, but yes, thank you.
The problem is my stepmum broke my only music tape.Hey! I've got loads of dance music CDs.
I used to nick 'em from the old record shop. Then it closed down.
Beyonce OK?
MUSIC PLAYS Yeah, perfect.
You're not going to believe it. Two, three, four.
# Got me looking so crazy right now Your love's got me looking so crazy right now
# Got me looking so crazy right now Your touch got me looking so crazy right now
# Looking so crazy in love Looking so crazy in love
# Uh-oh, uh-oh... #
Well, you get the idea. That was well wicked.
You are so going to win. Really?Yeah! Right, shall we go rob the offie?Er, I don't think so.
BURT CHUCKLES
I work day and night and you spend every penny of it on crisps!
It's not enough! A real man provides and has his own business with a deep-fat fryer.
It's my only day off in a month. I am going to the pub.Don't bother coming back, you useless git!
It's OK, Armitage. Don't be scared.
Armitage?
They must have got in this way!
Burt!
What can I do?Go to school and sign us up for the talent show.
I'm going to get my dance partner back.OK.
Aaaaaaah!
Give us a lift with this, mate.
Where did she just come from?!
All right, Harry? I've only got a pound on me. Here. Me and Zoe are mates now.
So that means we're mates, too. That's not how it works.
Do you want another dead leg? I guess we're besties!
SQUEALING
No!
MINCER SHUTS DOWN
Zoe, my dear.
I knew you were hiding in my van.
I have an excellent sense of smell.
Not just for rats, but also...
..for kiddies.
You're turning rats into burgers.
Oh, you've finally worked it out! I worked it out ages ago.
A likely story. And I don't just turn rats into burgers.
I also turn Health Inspectors into burgers! And...
TV chefs! Ta-da!
Ha ha ha ha!
Guess who's next.
Your mum.
No...
Father Christmas.No!
Iggle Piggle! No, it's you! It's obviously you!
You're today's special!
Ow!
You shouldn't have done that.
You don't have any eyes!
No, child,
I am completely blind.But you can't drive a van if you're blind!
I DRIVE...by sense of smell.
Very safely. In the whole 27 years I've been driving,
I've only run over 59 people.
Why don't you have any eyes?
One night...
I was about to deep fry a live rat
when the wretched creature bit my hand.
My mallet fell out of my hand and into the fryer
sending fat flying into my eyes, frying them instantly!
Disgusting.They were delicious, actually, with some salt and pepper.
Now...I'm going to turn you into my very first...
..child burger.
Ah!
I'm gonna get you.
TYRES SCREECH
Ah. Miss Tina,
Master Harry.
My two most favouritest customers.
BOTH: Hi, Raj. I'm so looking forward to seeing Zoe and Armitage up on the stage.
FANFARE PLAYS
Right.
Um...welcome to Our School's Got Abil-i-ties.
This is your chance to show us your skills.
Thank you, Headmaster.
Good luck to ALL the contestants.
Now, as the sole judge, I know it's going to be very hard to pick a winner,
but I'm going to.
Thank you, Miss Maxwell. And so, without further ado...No sign of Zoe.What are we gonna do?
Yeah.
I can see her now.
'ey! Can't you read? No children. No Europeans.
I need to talk to my dad.I couldn't give a stuff, love.I'll report you for allowing underage drinkers.
Like who?
Ugh!
Sorry.
Don't you worry, chuck.
DAD!A raspberry ripple!
Oh, Zoe. What are you doing here? You were asleep.Too many nightshifts.I need your help.
A man wants to turn my pet rat into a burger.Come off it, Zoe.
Nobody serves food like that. Do they?Oh...no, no. Of course not, pal.
Dad, have I ever lied to you?No. And have I ever complained to you,
even though you married the worst woman in the world and she made my life a misery.No, not once.
I'm sorry. I just wanted you to have a new mum.
She's not my mum, never has been. I should have paid for internet dating.Dad...
you need to believe me. Burt wants to turn my rat into a burger, and me!Kids?
Into burgers? They should make that illegal.
It is.Is it?
Oh.
Right! I'm coming to help.
# Twinkle twinkle, little star How I wonder what you are! #
APPLAUSE
I suppose that was all right if you like that sort of thing. Now, the act we've all been waiting for.
I give you...
Gemma!
Thank you.
Today I'd like to perform a tribute
to a very special person
who was the subject of a great injustice when she lost a talent show to a cat
singing Bohemian Rhapsody. Miss Maxwell, this is for you.
# And I-I-I
# Will always love you-u-u-u
# Bittersweet
# Memories
# That's all I'm taking with me-e-e
# So goodbye
# Please don't cry
# We both know
# I'm not what you nee-eed
# And I-I-I
# Will always love you-u-u
# I will always
# Lo-o-ove
# You-u-u-u-u-u! #
APPLAUSE
Oh, my goodness! You've got a spontaneous standing ovation!
Oh, thank you, thank you.
That was, in fact, the final act.
So...
after much deliberation,
the winner is...
Actually, we haven't performed yet.
There's no time.
Are you quite sure about that?
Er...
As it turns out, we do have a few minutes.
Um, introducing...
Harry and the very charming Tina.
CHEERS AND WHISTLES
This is the old ice cream factory where I used to work. It's creepy in here.
Oh, my word.I know. We have to find Armitage and set them all free.
Gotcha!
Who's that with her?
My idiot husband.I'm beginning to suspect you aren't the one.
Shut it! I've found a real man now.
We're going to run away together to somewhere romantic, open a burger van by the side of the motorway.
Got to get the rat.
You killed Ginger Nut, didn't you? Of course! Nasty little thing.
And now we're going to kill your precious little rat.
Armitage!
You give my daughter her pet back right now!
Not a chance! The small ones are more juicy.
You two will be a bit tougher.
Go on! Get in!
What are we going to do? Get Armitage back.I'm scared. Don't worry.
DANCE TRACK
Yes, thank you, thank you. And now at very long last,
the fragrant Miss Maxwell will announce the winner.
Thank you, darling...Headmaster. So the winner is...
Hang on! We've got a special guest.
Go on! Get up the ladder!
Burt? Can I come up, too, and watch it go through the mincer?
Of course you can, my angel in leggings. Thank you, my hairy-faced hunk.
Ha! Now we've got 'em. So...
..who wants to be first in the mincer?What?! Fatty or skinny?
That's a bit harsh. You leave my daughter alone.
All right then, fatty. You can be first.
No!
Go on, get in the mincer or he'll kill ya!He'll kill me anyway! Fair point. Get in!
Aaargh!
Oh, no, no, no, no.
No, fatty. I want you to suffer.
I want you to see what the mincer can do.
Now, Zoe...
say goodbye to your little baby.
Armitage, no!
Oh!
Ah...!Oh, no! Burt!
I've got you!
Dad! Get back!
Ohhhh!
Throw us Armitage and we'll help you out.
No! I'm going to pulverise this rat if it's the last thing I do.
Gary! Please! I've always loved you.
And you...Chloe.
Zoe!
Bye-bye, my little juicy rat...
Aaaargh!
I want a divorce. I think you already got one.
Now come on, Dad, we have to set the rats free.All of them?
If the council finds this place, they'll kill them all.
You're right. PHONE BEEPS
Dad, we've got to get to the talent show.
Don't worry, Armitage. I'll think of something. ..We'll be back. Promise.
Galaxy Caramel.
Picnic bar.
That is a Flake Dip.
GASPS No - a Ripple!
Er, thank you, man who almost certainly isn't a pupil.
Er, right.
That finally concludes our talent show.
Thank you, Headmaster. Masterfully done.
Oh, no, thank YOU. No, thank YOU for everything.
Now I think we all know that there can only be one winner.
And it's no surprise...Wait! ..that the winner is...Wait!
I want to enter.
Not with a rat, I hope.Yes, with a rat.We have a dance routine.
Well, you're too late.Please. I want to show what rats can do.
Give us disease through their wee-wee. Well aware of that.
Now, without further ado, the winner is...Gemma!
Oh! My goodness.
I never believed that this would happen in a thousand years.
Should I sing the song again? I can wear the winner's crown now that I happened to bring.
Please do, love.
Stupid old trout. Falls for it every time.
Well, don't just sit there. Come help me put my crown on.
Come on, hurry. It's quite sad how pathetic Maxwell really is.
I'll do it.
Imagine - getting beat by a cat!
GASPS
What a loser. LOUDER GASPS
Did you bring your music?Yes!
Give it here, love. I'll put it on. You go, girl!
BOOING
No. Get off the stage, Gemma. I'd rather watch a rat.
CHEERS AND WHISTLES
MUSIC STARTS
# You can dance
# You can jive
# Having the time of your life
# See that girl Watch that scene
# Digging the dancing queen
# Friday night and the nights are low
# Looking out for the place to go
# Where they play the right music
# Getting in the swing You come to look for a king
# Anybody could be that guy
# Night is young and the music's high
# With a bit of rock music Everything is fine
# You're in the mood for a dance
# And when you get the chance...
# You are the dancing queen
# Young and sweet Only seventeen
# Dancing queen
# Feel the beat from the tambourine, oh, yeah
# You can dance
# You can jive
# Having the time of your life Oo-oo
# See that girl
# Watch that scene Digging the dancing queen... #
CHEERING
Woo-oo!
CHANTING: Give her the prize! Give her the prize!
Miss... I think you should keep it.
That cat was only really miaowing Bohemian Rhapsody. It didn't deserve to win.Oh!
I've finally won something.Yes.
My heart.
GASPS
Listen up, everyone! It seemed like you all loved Armitage, right?
Yes!Well, rats are kind and the cleverest animals there are.
What about dolphins? Apart from dolphins, they're the cleverest animals there are
and they absolutely make the best pets. So I've got a favour to ask.
There's yours. Take good care of him.
Here's your rat. Look after it.
Oh...
Goodness. You're very wriggly.
SIREN
Freeze! You're all under arrest. You're a bit late.Sorry.
Here you are. Ma'am, do you know what?
This is something I thought I'd never see in this town. What?A happy ending.
Too much.Sorry.
'Welcome to your new home.'
Your name is Little Raj.
'Things were pretty good after that. Dad turned Burt's burger van into an ice cream van.
'At last he could sell the flavours he invented - chocolate supreme, fudge explosion, chocolate rainbow.'
Today's special is toffee tidal wave!
It's delicious, Dad!
MUSIC STARTS
'When Zoe told her dad how Tina didn't get on with her family,
'he asked her to come and live with them. Now Zoe had a sister.
'And that meant I had two sisters.
'I, Armitage, had a family that loved me.
'Not bad for a rat. Not bad at all.'
# Sun is shining in the sky
# There ain't a cloud in sight
# It's stopped raining
# Everybody's in the hay
# And don't you know It's a beautiful new day
# Hey-hey-hey
# Mr Blue Sky Please tell us why
# You had to hide away for so long So long
# Where did we go wrong?
# Hey there, Mr Blue Sky We're so pleased to be with you... #
Subtitles by Red Bee Media
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