1
00:00:35,202 --> 00:00:36,838
<i>New York City.</i>

2
00:00:36,938 --> 00:00:39,007
<i>Population: 100.</i>

3
00:00:39,106 --> 00:00:44,612
<i>A land full of CEOs,</i>
<i>VIPs and STIs.</i>

4
00:00:44,712 --> 00:00:45,713
<i>And with that many people,</i>

5
00:00:45,813 --> 00:00:49,651
<i>there's bound to be</i>
<i>a few great stories.</i>

6
00:00:49,751 --> 00:00:50,919
<i>Like this one.</i>

7
00:00:51,019 --> 00:00:54,822
<i>Our story begins</i>
<i>like all great stories,</i>

8
00:00:54,923 --> 00:00:57,224
<i>with two straight men.</i>

9
00:00:57,324 --> 00:01:00,227
Oh, fuck, I am good.

10
00:01:00,327 --> 00:01:03,297
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

11
00:01:03,397 --> 00:01:05,533
<i>This is Craig Tiddle.</i>

12
00:01:11,706 --> 00:01:14,042
<i>And this is Trevor Brock.</i>

13
00:01:14,141 --> 00:01:17,144
<i>They're twins.</i>
<i>Identical twins.</i>

14
00:01:17,244 --> 00:01:19,279
Fuck you! They are.

15
00:01:19,379 --> 00:01:21,716
<i>And how do I know all of this?</i>

16
00:01:21,816 --> 00:01:23,952
Because I'm God.

17
00:01:24,052 --> 00:01:25,587
That's right. God.

18
00:01:25,687 --> 00:01:29,089
He/him. The greatest
storyteller of all time.

19
00:01:29,189 --> 00:01:30,892
Check the sales of my book.

20
00:01:30,992 --> 00:01:33,160
Number-one bestseller
in the world.

21
00:01:33,260 --> 00:01:36,496
<i>They're highly successful</i>
<i>alpha males.</i>

22
00:01:36,598 --> 00:01:38,265
<i>Virile. Strong.</i>

23
00:01:38,365 --> 00:01:41,401
<i>And oh-so-very manly.</i>

24
00:01:52,847 --> 00:01:54,616
Fuck yeah.

25
00:01:54,716 --> 00:01:58,920
<i>Wow, those twins</i>
<i>really have it all.</i>

26
00:02:01,956 --> 00:02:03,658
Oh! Good morning!

27
00:02:04,826 --> 00:02:07,127
<i>Or do they?</i>

28
00:02:07,227 --> 00:02:09,764
<i>Craig and Trevor</i>
<i>don't know they're twins.</i>

29
00:02:09,864 --> 00:02:13,433
<i>They were separated at birth</i>
<i>and have never met.</i>

30
00:02:13,534 --> 00:02:17,038
<i>But that all changes today.</i>

31
00:02:26,714 --> 00:02:28,415
Oh, Craig, I think
you dropped your mug.

32
00:02:28,516 --> 00:02:30,450
Keep it, old lady.
I got a lot of mugs.

33
00:02:30,551 --> 00:02:31,819
I got a lot of everything.

34
00:02:31,919 --> 00:02:33,621
Wow, your life seems perfect.

35
00:02:33,721 --> 00:02:37,558
Trust me, my smelly friend,
it is.

36
00:02:37,659 --> 00:02:39,961
<i>♪ I got a mansion</i>
<i>in the Hamptons ♪</i>

37
00:02:40,061 --> 00:02:42,195
<i>♪ I got a bungalow upstate ♪</i>

38
00:02:42,295 --> 00:02:44,699
<i>♪ I got a penthouse</i>
<i>just for fucking ♪</i>

39
00:02:44,799 --> 00:02:46,668
<i>♪ And another</i>
<i>where I masturbate ♪</i>

40
00:02:46,768 --> 00:02:47,702
<i>♪ Pow ♪</i>

41
00:02:47,802 --> 00:02:49,871
<i>♪ The money just keeps</i>
<i>rolling in ♪</i>

42
00:02:49,971 --> 00:02:52,239
<i>♪ The good times never stop ♪</i>

43
00:02:52,339 --> 00:02:54,274
<i>♪ There's never been</i>
<i>a man like me ♪</i>

44
00:02:54,374 --> 00:02:56,944
<i>♪ And I'll always be on top ♪</i>

45
00:02:58,546 --> 00:02:59,947
Package for Trevor Brock.

46
00:03:00,048 --> 00:03:01,149
Fuck this tiny thing.

47
00:03:01,248 --> 00:03:03,885
I already got the biggest
package in town.

48
00:03:03,985 --> 00:03:06,054
<i>♪ My cock is fucking massive ♪</i>

49
00:03:06,154 --> 00:03:08,422
<i>♪ It always leaves</i>
<i>the ladies sore ♪</i>

50
00:03:08,523 --> 00:03:10,725
<i>♪ Seven inches long</i>
<i>Curves to the left ♪</i>

51
00:03:10,825 --> 00:03:12,760
<i>♪ Then it goes</i>
<i>ten inches more ♪</i>

52
00:03:12,860 --> 00:03:14,696
<i>-♪ Ooh! ♪</i>
<i>-♪ I got girls and cash ♪</i>

53
00:03:14,796 --> 00:03:15,697
<i>♪ Cars and booze ♪</i>

54
00:03:15,797 --> 00:03:18,032
<i>♪ I'm the cream</i>
<i>of the fucking crop ♪</i>

55
00:03:18,132 --> 00:03:20,267
<i>♪ There's never been</i>
<i>a man like me ♪</i>

56
00:03:20,367 --> 00:03:22,970
<i>♪ And I'll always be on top ♪</i>

57
00:03:25,073 --> 00:03:26,440
Thanks, doll.

58
00:03:26,874 --> 00:03:28,241
Mm-mm.

59
00:03:31,012 --> 00:03:32,379
Oop.

60
00:03:34,182 --> 00:03:35,550
You have a good day.

61
00:03:36,517 --> 00:03:37,484
Huh?

62
00:03:43,091 --> 00:03:44,424
Whoa.

63
00:03:56,571 --> 00:03:58,371
-You're welcome.
-You're welcome.

64
00:04:04,645 --> 00:04:06,848
<i>♪ I'm the best ♪</i>

65
00:04:06,948 --> 00:04:09,117
<i>♪ So fucking blessed ♪</i>

66
00:04:09,217 --> 00:04:12,019
<i>♪ Sexy, smart</i>
<i>It's just not fair ♪</i>

67
00:04:12,120 --> 00:04:14,789
<i>♪ I slay pussy everywhere ♪</i>

68
00:04:14,889 --> 00:04:16,190
<i>♪ I get what I want ♪</i>

69
00:04:16,289 --> 00:04:18,358
<i>♪ And what I got I flaunt ♪</i>

70
00:04:18,458 --> 00:04:21,996
<i>♪ And though some people</i>
<i>find it strange ♪</i>

71
00:04:23,463 --> 00:04:26,968
<i>♪ No one's gonna</i>
<i>make me change ♪</i>

72
00:04:37,277 --> 00:04:39,446
Oh, my God.

73
00:04:39,547 --> 00:04:40,882
Sorry, you just...

74
00:04:40,982 --> 00:04:41,749
You really look like me.

75
00:04:41,849 --> 00:04:44,085
I think you mean
that you look like me.

76
00:04:44,185 --> 00:04:45,987
-Craig Tiddle.
-Trevor Brock.

77
00:04:46,087 --> 00:04:47,454
-Whoa.
-Whoa.

78
00:04:47,555 --> 00:04:48,556
I think I got some lube
on you.

79
00:04:48,656 --> 00:04:51,058
Hey, no worries.
I'll save that for later.

80
00:04:51,159 --> 00:04:52,459
Say, where do you work?

81
00:04:52,560 --> 00:04:55,462
GVPI. It's my first day at the
new corporate headquarters.

82
00:04:55,563 --> 00:04:57,031
Hot damn! Me, too.

83
00:04:57,131 --> 00:04:58,599
You must be from
the downtown office?

84
00:04:58,699 --> 00:05:00,701
That I am. Take it you're
from the uptown branch?

85
00:05:00,802 --> 00:05:03,336
-My reputation precedes me.
-Nope. Never heard of you.

86
00:05:03,436 --> 00:05:05,273
Actually, I'm the one who's
never heard of you, so...

87
00:05:05,372 --> 00:05:06,373
Well, you should've
heard of me,

88
00:05:06,473 --> 00:05:07,942
because I'm
the number-one salesman

89
00:05:08,042 --> 00:05:09,110
this company's got.

90
00:05:09,210 --> 00:05:10,278
Hate to break it to you,
buddy,

91
00:05:10,377 --> 00:05:12,345
but last time I checked,
I was number one.

92
00:05:12,445 --> 00:05:13,748
Craig Tiddle's always on top.

93
00:05:13,848 --> 00:05:16,383
You might be on top of
a sex offenders registry,

94
00:05:16,483 --> 00:05:18,653
but I've always been
the best salesman.

95
00:05:18,753 --> 00:05:20,988
Fuck you, pal.
I've had a record month.

96
00:05:21,088 --> 00:05:23,323
While you were in bed
milking your morning wood,

97
00:05:23,423 --> 00:05:25,660
I've been pounding
the pavement making sales.

98
00:05:25,760 --> 00:05:26,961
If you think
I can't make sales

99
00:05:27,061 --> 00:05:28,196
and jerk off at the same time,

100
00:05:28,296 --> 00:05:29,797
you got another thing
coming because...

101
00:05:29,897 --> 00:05:32,266
<i>♪ I always get</i>
<i>the things I want ♪</i>

102
00:05:32,365 --> 00:05:34,334
<i>♪ There's no way I can flop ♪</i>

103
00:05:34,434 --> 00:05:36,971
<i>♪ There's never been</i>
<i>a man like me ♪</i>

104
00:05:37,071 --> 00:05:39,273
<i>♪ And I'll always be</i>
<i>I'll always be ♪</i>

105
00:05:39,372 --> 00:05:41,142
<i>♪ I'll always be on top ♪</i>

106
00:05:42,510 --> 00:05:44,145
<i>♪ Global Vroomba Parts ♪</i>

107
00:05:44,245 --> 00:05:45,680
<i>♪ No, we don't sell Vroombas ♪</i>

108
00:05:45,780 --> 00:05:47,380
<i>♪ Just the parts</i>
<i>Like the gears ♪</i>

109
00:05:47,480 --> 00:05:49,817
<i>♪ And the wheels</i>
<i>and those teeny tiny brushes ♪</i>

110
00:05:49,917 --> 00:05:51,418
Listen to me,
you piece of shit.

111
00:05:51,519 --> 00:05:52,687
The sooner you make me money,

112
00:05:52,787 --> 00:05:54,722
the sooner you can afford
health insurance.

113
00:05:54,822 --> 00:05:58,192
Health care is a luxury.

114
00:06:01,929 --> 00:06:04,665
This is... gorgeous.

115
00:06:04,765 --> 00:06:07,068
Beautiful. A beautiful space.

116
00:06:07,168 --> 00:06:08,536
Craig Tiddle,
Trevor Brock.

117
00:06:08,636 --> 00:06:10,137
My two top salesmen.

118
00:06:10,238 --> 00:06:12,273
Oh, um, actually,
I'm Trevor.

119
00:06:12,372 --> 00:06:13,507
Yeah, and I'm Craig.

120
00:06:13,608 --> 00:06:15,475
Oh, okay, well...

121
00:06:15,576 --> 00:06:17,645
You two motherfuckers look
like y'all could be twins.

122
00:06:17,745 --> 00:06:19,146
-Mm, I don't see it.
-I think we actually

123
00:06:19,247 --> 00:06:20,581
-look very dissimilar.
-Yeah.

124
00:06:20,681 --> 00:06:21,749
I guess it's just, uh, uh,

125
00:06:21,849 --> 00:06:23,551
some shit that I
really don't care about.

126
00:06:23,651 --> 00:06:25,987
I'm your new boss,
Gloria Masters.

127
00:06:26,087 --> 00:06:27,889
Wow, a-a lady boss.

128
00:06:27,989 --> 00:06:30,791
I guess it really is
the year that it is.

129
00:06:30,892 --> 00:06:32,526
-I'm crazy about that.
-Yes, the year of the pussy.

130
00:06:32,627 --> 00:06:34,562
Exactly. So, boss,
we were wondering,

131
00:06:34,662 --> 00:06:36,264
which one of us
is top salesman

132
00:06:36,364 --> 00:06:37,899
and which one is
a dumb little baby?

133
00:06:37,999 --> 00:06:39,100
Well, I'm glad you asked.

134
00:06:39,200 --> 00:06:42,069
As you can see right here,
I have installed a leaderboard

135
00:06:42,169 --> 00:06:43,337
that tracks y'all's sales.

136
00:06:43,436 --> 00:06:45,072
Plug 'er in, fellas.

137
00:06:51,045 --> 00:06:52,647
-Yes! Yes!
-Oh, no.

138
00:06:52,747 --> 00:06:55,216
Trevor Brock, my prize pig.

139
00:06:55,316 --> 00:06:57,151
But the rest
of you motherfuckers?

140
00:06:57,251 --> 00:06:58,719
Get to work.

141
00:06:58,819 --> 00:07:00,988
Hey, tough titty, Tiddle.

142
00:07:01,088 --> 00:07:04,025
Hey, but chin up, maybe you
could be my assistant.

143
00:07:04,125 --> 00:07:06,928
All my assistants
suck my dick.

144
00:07:11,732 --> 00:07:13,100
What in God's green hell?

145
00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:15,803
Mark me down
for 2,000 wheels, 2,000 gears

146
00:07:15,903 --> 00:07:17,939
and 3,000 of those
teeny tiny brushes.

147
00:07:18,039 --> 00:07:19,206
That's a big sale.

148
00:07:19,307 --> 00:07:20,508
Let this be a lesson to you.

149
00:07:20,608 --> 00:07:22,677
Use people, like pawns
on a checkerboard.

150
00:07:26,247 --> 00:07:27,882
Son of a fucking bitch.

151
00:07:27,982 --> 00:07:30,450
That's right.
Back where I belong.

152
00:07:30,551 --> 00:07:33,120
For now.
I'll admit, you're good.

153
00:07:33,220 --> 00:07:34,422
It's gonna be fun
to crush you.

154
00:07:34,522 --> 00:07:35,656
Right back at you.

155
00:07:35,756 --> 00:07:37,291
-May the best man...
-Win.

156
00:07:37,391 --> 00:07:39,293
Win. I was gonna say that.

157
00:07:39,393 --> 00:07:41,829
<i>♪ Craig Tiddle's</i>
<i>fucking awesome ♪</i>

158
00:07:41,929 --> 00:07:44,432
<i>♪ Trevor Brock</i>
<i>is off the charts ♪</i>

159
00:07:44,532 --> 00:07:46,667
<i>♪ They talk a lot</i>
<i>about their dicks ♪</i>

160
00:07:46,767 --> 00:07:48,970
<i>♪ And they sell</i>
<i>fucking Vroomba parts ♪</i>

161
00:07:49,070 --> 00:07:51,305
<i>♪ You won't ever</i>
<i>take me down ♪</i>

162
00:07:51,405 --> 00:07:53,574
<i>♪ I'll work until I drop ♪</i>

163
00:07:53,674 --> 00:07:56,177
<i>♪ There's never been</i>
<i>a man like me ♪</i>

164
00:07:56,277 --> 00:07:58,713
<i>♪ And I'll always be on top ♪</i>

165
00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:02,049
<i>♪ 15,000 gears ♪</i>

166
00:08:02,149 --> 00:08:03,617
<i>-♪ Money, money, money ♪</i>
<i>-♪ Craig Tiddle ♪</i>

167
00:08:03,718 --> 00:08:04,986
<i>-♪ Money, money, money ♪</i>
<i>-♪ Number one ♪</i>

168
00:08:05,086 --> 00:08:06,787
<i>♪ 20,000 wheels ♪</i>

169
00:08:06,887 --> 00:08:08,322
<i>-♪ Money, money, money ♪</i>
<i>-♪ Trevor Brock ♪</i>

170
00:08:08,422 --> 00:08:09,323
<i>-♪ Money, money, money ♪</i>
<i>-♪ Is getting it done ♪</i>

171
00:08:09,423 --> 00:08:10,458
<i>♪ 30,000 gears ♪</i>

172
00:08:10,558 --> 00:08:11,659
<i>♪ Craig Tiddle</i>
<i>You're the best ♪</i>

173
00:08:11,759 --> 00:08:12,727
<i>♪ 40,000 wheels ♪</i>

174
00:08:12,827 --> 00:08:14,562
<i>♪ Trevor Brock</i>
<i>Sign my chest ♪</i>

175
00:08:16,496 --> 00:08:18,199
I love fucking money!

176
00:08:18,299 --> 00:08:20,167
<i>♪ Who's it gonna be?</i>
<i>Who's it gonna be? ♪</i>

177
00:08:20,267 --> 00:08:21,502
<i>♪ Who's it gonna be?</i>

178
00:08:21,602 --> 00:08:24,238
<i>♪ Who's it gonna be?</i>
<i>Who's it gonna be? ♪</i>

179
00:08:28,542 --> 00:08:31,112
100,000 teeny tiny brushes!

180
00:08:32,113 --> 00:08:33,814
<i>♪ Look around ♪</i>

181
00:08:33,914 --> 00:08:36,050
<i>♪ It's plain to see ♪</i>

182
00:08:36,150 --> 00:08:40,554
<i>♪ There's never been</i>
<i>a man like me ♪</i>

183
00:08:42,390 --> 00:08:46,894
<i>♪ 'Cause I'm the fucking ♪</i>

184
00:08:46,994 --> 00:08:52,266
<i>♪ Top... ♪</i>

185
00:08:58,973 --> 00:09:00,007
Whew.

186
00:09:00,107 --> 00:09:01,275
Still at it, shrimp?

187
00:09:01,375 --> 00:09:02,643
Work hard, stay hard.

188
00:09:02,743 --> 00:09:04,345
Never been tied
for first before.

189
00:09:04,445 --> 00:09:05,980
I'm used to being
the total top.

190
00:09:06,080 --> 00:09:07,948
Oh, yeah, I'm gunning
for your ass, little boy.

191
00:09:08,049 --> 00:09:10,017
That's why I'm here late.

192
00:09:10,117 --> 00:09:11,419
-Grinding.
-Same.

193
00:09:11,520 --> 00:09:13,187
Definitely not because
I have nowhere to go

194
00:09:13,287 --> 00:09:14,922
and no one to see.

195
00:09:15,022 --> 00:09:16,824
Oh, I got a vast network
of meaningful relationships,

196
00:09:16,924 --> 00:09:18,426
for sure,
but no time for those now.

197
00:09:18,527 --> 00:09:21,062
I got to put in the hours so I
can stay ahead of you, Craig.

198
00:09:21,729 --> 00:09:22,930
-Trevor.
-Huh?

199
00:09:23,030 --> 00:09:25,666
You just called me Craig.
You're Craig. I'm Trevor.

200
00:09:25,766 --> 00:09:28,469
God,
you're such an idiot, Trevor.

201
00:09:28,569 --> 00:09:29,703
No, I'm Craig.

202
00:09:29,804 --> 00:09:31,906
-You're Trevor, Trevor.
-Damn it, we look alike.

203
00:09:32,006 --> 00:09:33,774
We do not. You have
long hair like a girl.

204
00:09:33,874 --> 00:09:35,376
You have short hair
like a lesbian girl.

205
00:09:35,476 --> 00:09:37,244
This haircut is
classic Trevor.

206
00:09:37,344 --> 00:09:39,013
Fuck. Classic Cr...
Fuck you!

207
00:09:39,113 --> 00:09:40,047
No, fuck you.

208
00:09:40,147 --> 00:09:42,283
-You don't get me.
-You don't get me, either.

209
00:09:42,383 --> 00:09:43,518
No one does.

210
00:09:51,526 --> 00:09:55,796
<i>♪ I'm in this struggle</i>
<i>all alone ♪</i>

211
00:09:55,896 --> 00:09:59,733
<i>♪ I don't know what to do ♪</i>

212
00:09:59,834 --> 00:10:03,370
<i>♪ I wish there was</i>
<i>someone who knew ♪</i>

213
00:10:03,471 --> 00:10:06,941
<i>♪ What I am going through ♪</i>

214
00:10:07,041 --> 00:10:10,344
<i>♪ This feeling</i>
<i>that I'm feeling ♪</i>

215
00:10:10,444 --> 00:10:14,081
<i>♪ It feels so very bad ♪</i>

216
00:10:14,181 --> 00:10:17,351
<i>♪ It's almost like</i>
<i>my life's a lie ♪</i>

217
00:10:17,451 --> 00:10:22,256
<i>♪ And actually I'm sad ♪</i>

218
00:10:22,356 --> 00:10:27,628
<i>♪ No one understands</i>
<i>what I've been through ♪</i>

219
00:10:28,996 --> 00:10:33,334
<i>♪ No one knows</i>
<i>what it's like to be ♪</i>

220
00:10:33,434 --> 00:10:36,637
<i>♪ A man</i>
<i>with my specific life ♪</i>

221
00:10:36,737 --> 00:10:39,608
<i>♪ Saying these</i>
<i>specific words ♪</i>

222
00:10:39,707 --> 00:10:43,644
<i>♪ The only one</i>
<i>who understands ♪</i>

223
00:10:43,744 --> 00:10:46,714
<i>♪ Is me ♪</i>

224
00:10:46,814 --> 00:10:48,916
Say, is this your family?

225
00:10:49,016 --> 00:10:51,952
What? No. But I
definitely have a real family.

226
00:10:52,052 --> 00:10:53,954
And they're rich and smart
and kind and real.

227
00:10:54,054 --> 00:10:56,525
Oh, me, too. I got a birth
mommy and a birth daddy,

228
00:10:56,625 --> 00:10:59,093
same as everybody else.

229
00:10:59,193 --> 00:11:01,829
<i>♪ Growing up with just a mom ♪</i>

230
00:11:01,929 --> 00:11:05,032
<i>♪ It left a gaping hole ♪</i>

231
00:11:05,132 --> 00:11:08,135
<i>♪ My single dad</i>
<i>He did his best ♪</i>

232
00:11:08,235 --> 00:11:11,338
<i>♪ But life</i>
<i>She took her toll ♪</i>

233
00:11:11,438 --> 00:11:14,609
<i>♪ With Pops</i>
<i>I could have fished for fish ♪</i>

234
00:11:14,708 --> 00:11:17,344
<i>♪ My fastball we'd perfect ♪</i>

235
00:11:17,444 --> 00:11:20,848
<i>♪ With Mom</i>
<i>I could have learned to bake ♪</i>

236
00:11:20,948 --> 00:11:25,886
<i>♪ Or show women respect ♪</i>

237
00:11:25,986 --> 00:11:32,026
<i>♪ No one understands</i>
<i>what I've been through ♪</i>

238
00:11:32,126 --> 00:11:36,598
<i>♪ No one knows</i>
<i>what it's like to be ♪</i>

239
00:11:36,697 --> 00:11:39,800
<i>♪ A man</i>
<i>with my specific life ♪</i>

240
00:11:39,900 --> 00:11:42,970
<i>♪ Saying these</i>
<i>specific words ♪</i>

241
00:11:43,070 --> 00:11:47,074
<i>♪ The only one</i>
<i>who understands ♪</i>

242
00:11:47,174 --> 00:11:49,109
<i>♪ Is me ♪</i>

243
00:11:49,210 --> 00:11:52,947
<i>♪ If you think</i>
<i>I've had it easy ♪</i>

244
00:11:53,047 --> 00:11:55,684
<i>♪ Then you're wrong ♪</i>

245
00:11:55,783 --> 00:11:59,019
<i>♪ The road's been</i>
<i>fucking hard ♪</i>

246
00:11:59,119 --> 00:12:02,022
<i>♪ And fucking long ♪</i>

247
00:12:02,122 --> 00:12:04,959
<i>♪ Everything I ever got ♪</i>

248
00:12:05,059 --> 00:12:08,095
<i>♪ I got all on my own ♪</i>

249
00:12:08,195 --> 00:12:11,065
<i>♪ I rose up from the ashes ♪</i>

250
00:12:11,165 --> 00:12:15,836
<i>♪ Of my single-parent home ♪</i>

251
00:12:15,936 --> 00:12:18,973
<i>♪ 'Cause I've always</i>
<i>been a fighter ♪</i>

252
00:12:19,073 --> 00:12:22,309
<i>♪ Since the day</i>
<i>that I was born ♪</i>

253
00:12:22,409 --> 00:12:28,315
<i>♪ On January 3rd, 1986 ♪</i>

254
00:12:28,415 --> 00:12:34,388
<i>-♪ At 5:08 a.m. ♪</i>
<i>-♪ At 5:07 a.m. ♪</i>

255
00:12:34,488 --> 00:12:35,923
Wait, what the fuck, dude?

256
00:12:36,023 --> 00:12:39,628
Yeah, there are a lot of
similarities happening here.

257
00:12:39,728 --> 00:12:41,028
-What is that?
-This?

258
00:12:41,128 --> 00:12:42,731
Oh, the only thing I have

259
00:12:42,830 --> 00:12:44,398
from the dad
I never knew is...

260
00:12:44,498 --> 00:12:46,233
Half of a locket.

261
00:12:46,333 --> 00:12:48,302
This is the only thing
I have from my mom.

262
00:12:48,402 --> 00:12:50,904
I've never understood mine.
It just says "our bo."

263
00:12:51,005 --> 00:12:52,940
I think it must be
an ancient Indigenous saying.

264
00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:54,576
Mine only says "toys."

265
00:12:54,676 --> 00:12:56,977
Huh. But what if...?

266
00:12:59,079 --> 00:13:01,148
"Our two boys."

267
00:13:01,248 --> 00:13:03,150
Oh, my God. Does this mean...

268
00:13:03,250 --> 00:13:04,719
Hold on, sorry,
you thought that said "toys"?

269
00:13:04,818 --> 00:13:06,987
Yeah, T-W-O-Y-S, toys.

270
00:13:07,087 --> 00:13:08,556
No, there's not a "W" in toys.

271
00:13:08,657 --> 00:13:09,658
Damn it all to fuck, Craig!

272
00:13:09,758 --> 00:13:11,125
Who cares about
letters right now?

273
00:13:11,225 --> 00:13:13,360
You only have a dad.
I only have a mom.

274
00:13:13,460 --> 00:13:15,796
We were born on the same day,
almost down to the minute.

275
00:13:15,896 --> 00:13:17,031
We must be brothers.

276
00:13:17,131 --> 00:13:18,499
Not just brothers, Trevor.

277
00:13:18,600 --> 00:13:19,567
Twins.

278
00:13:19,668 --> 00:13:21,503
Wow, we're twins.

279
00:13:21,603 --> 00:13:23,003
We're fucking identical twins.

280
00:13:24,204 --> 00:13:29,276
<i>♪ No one understands</i>
<i>what I've been through ♪</i>

281
00:13:30,344 --> 00:13:34,348
<i>♪ No one knows</i>
<i>what it's like to be ♪</i>

282
00:13:34,448 --> 00:13:36,817
<i>♪ A man who thought</i>
<i>he was alone ♪</i>

283
00:13:36,917 --> 00:13:38,753
<i>♪ But then found out</i>
<i>he had a twin ♪</i>

284
00:13:38,886 --> 00:13:41,523
<i>♪ Who works at</i>
<i>the same fucking job ♪</i>

285
00:13:42,590 --> 00:13:47,227
<i>♪ What a big coincidence ♪</i>

286
00:13:47,328 --> 00:13:54,234
<i>♪ The only one</i>
<i>who understands ♪</i>

287
00:13:55,770 --> 00:14:01,141
<i>♪ Is we ♪</i>

288
00:14:03,578 --> 00:14:07,481
<i>♪ Is we ♪</i>

289
00:14:08,949 --> 00:14:14,321
<i>♪ Is we ♪</i>

290
00:14:19,561 --> 00:14:21,895
Gears. Wheels.

291
00:14:21,995 --> 00:14:23,631
Teeny tiny brush... Wow.

292
00:14:23,732 --> 00:14:28,168
L, M, N, O...

293
00:14:28,268 --> 00:14:29,370
P.

294
00:14:36,343 --> 00:14:37,945
-Hey.
-Hey.

295
00:14:39,614 --> 00:14:40,815
This is crazy, right?

296
00:14:40,914 --> 00:14:42,449
Totally crazy. I mean...

297
00:14:42,550 --> 00:14:44,753
What are the odds of working
with your long-lost twin?

298
00:14:44,853 --> 00:14:46,954
I don't know, one in four,
three in four?

299
00:14:47,054 --> 00:14:48,623
-It's crazy.
-Crazy.

300
00:14:48,723 --> 00:14:49,724
But wait.

301
00:14:49,824 --> 00:14:51,892
I can't believe
Mom and Dad split us up.

302
00:14:51,992 --> 00:14:53,528
Like, is that abuse?

303
00:14:53,628 --> 00:14:54,863
Did they abuse us?

304
00:14:54,962 --> 00:14:56,897
We definitely
experienced abuse-ment.

305
00:14:56,997 --> 00:14:59,032
-Oh, my God.
-I mean, don't get me wrong.

306
00:14:59,133 --> 00:15:00,267
My life is awesome.

307
00:15:00,367 --> 00:15:02,369
No, no, no, no,
m-m-mine is awesome, too.

308
00:15:02,469 --> 00:15:04,304
-I have an amazing job.
-Amazing job.

309
00:15:04,405 --> 00:15:05,673
I'm always dating
some big-tit lady.

310
00:15:05,774 --> 00:15:07,074
Stunning big-tit ladies.

311
00:15:07,174 --> 00:15:08,843
I always get
the things I want.

312
00:15:08,942 --> 00:15:10,144
Except for a real family.

313
00:15:10,244 --> 00:15:12,212
Single-parent homes
are not real families.

314
00:15:12,312 --> 00:15:13,548
That's true.

315
00:15:13,648 --> 00:15:15,249
Hmm.

316
00:15:16,016 --> 00:15:18,318
What do we do?

317
00:15:18,419 --> 00:15:20,988
You know, if Mom and Dad
got married again,

318
00:15:21,088 --> 00:15:23,357
then we'd have a real family.

319
00:15:23,457 --> 00:15:24,626
What if...

320
00:15:25,827 --> 00:15:28,362
What if we tricked them
into getting back together?

321
00:15:28,462 --> 00:15:30,297
Keep talking
until I understand.

322
00:15:30,397 --> 00:15:32,132
We trick Mom and Dad
into thinking

323
00:15:32,232 --> 00:15:33,535
they need to get
married again.

324
00:15:33,635 --> 00:15:34,903
Oh, my God, yes.

325
00:15:35,002 --> 00:15:36,805
I'll go talk to Dad now
and trick him

326
00:15:36,905 --> 00:15:38,673
into getting back together
with Mom.

327
00:15:38,773 --> 00:15:40,340
Well, uh, no offense,

328
00:15:40,441 --> 00:15:41,975
-but you'd probably
fuck it up.
-Oh.

329
00:15:42,075 --> 00:15:43,611
I should be the one
to trick Dad.

330
00:15:43,711 --> 00:15:44,846
But you've never met him.

331
00:15:44,945 --> 00:15:46,480
Baby, I'm the number-one
salesman.

332
00:15:46,581 --> 00:15:47,481
I could trick anybody.

333
00:15:47,582 --> 00:15:50,017
Okay, hold up,
I'm the number-one salesman.

334
00:15:50,117 --> 00:15:51,318
If anybody's gonna
trick a parent

335
00:15:51,418 --> 00:15:52,986
they've never met,
it's gonna be me.

336
00:15:53,086 --> 00:15:55,022
While you're tricking Dad,
I'll trick Mom.

337
00:15:55,122 --> 00:15:56,724
And I'll do it better.

338
00:15:56,825 --> 00:15:58,258
All right, then.
It's settled.

339
00:15:58,358 --> 00:16:00,528
We're switching places to
trick the parent we never knew

340
00:16:00,628 --> 00:16:01,696
into getting married again.

341
00:16:01,796 --> 00:16:03,030
-Fine. Fine.
-Fine.

342
00:16:03,130 --> 00:16:04,933
Which means
we're going to need...

343
00:16:05,032 --> 00:16:06,901
Disguises!

344
00:16:07,000 --> 00:16:09,436
Wow, you look so good, King.

345
00:16:09,537 --> 00:16:10,605
You, too, King.

346
00:16:10,705 --> 00:16:12,607
I mean, obviously, I would've
preferred a lace front,

347
00:16:12,707 --> 00:16:15,275
but sometimes a shake and go
can get the job done.

348
00:16:15,375 --> 00:16:17,044
-Right.
-So, what's Mom like?

349
00:16:17,144 --> 00:16:18,245
At the very least,
I hope she fulfills

350
00:16:18,345 --> 00:16:20,113
every single expectation
I have of her.

351
00:16:20,214 --> 00:16:22,015
-That's reasonable.
-Just, like, an awesome,

352
00:16:22,115 --> 00:16:23,984
conventional, elegant mommy.

353
00:16:24,084 --> 00:16:26,053
God, if she's, like,
a kooky old eccentric lady,

354
00:16:26,153 --> 00:16:28,255
I don't know
what the fuck I'll do.

355
00:16:28,355 --> 00:16:31,325
Yeah, um, let's, uh, let's
change the subject entirely.

356
00:16:31,425 --> 00:16:33,360
-Huh?
-Tell me about Dad.

357
00:16:33,460 --> 00:16:34,294
Oh, our dad?

358
00:16:34,394 --> 00:16:35,864
-Yeah, our dad.
-Um...

359
00:16:35,964 --> 00:16:37,498
Is he a big, strong
macho guy like me?

360
00:16:37,599 --> 00:16:39,433
I hope he's a big macho guy
like me!

361
00:16:39,534 --> 00:16:41,268
Yeah, listen, I would
obviously love to talk

362
00:16:41,368 --> 00:16:43,003
about that, but look,
oh, God, it's Mom's house.

363
00:16:43,103 --> 00:16:44,071
So I got to go right now.

364
00:16:44,171 --> 00:16:45,138
Oh, God!

365
00:16:45,239 --> 00:16:48,208
Okay, bye-bye.

366
00:16:48,308 --> 00:16:49,978
Drive, you piece of shit!

367
00:16:50,612 --> 00:16:52,614
Okay, Craig,
you got this.

368
00:16:52,714 --> 00:16:54,816
Shit! Fuck! Damn! No!

369
00:16:54,916 --> 00:16:56,483
You're Trevor now,
all right?

370
00:16:56,584 --> 00:16:59,086
And Trevor is gonna knock
on the door.

371
00:17:10,732 --> 00:17:12,065
Hello?

372
00:17:13,668 --> 00:17:14,869
Mom?

373
00:17:14,969 --> 00:17:17,070
Why, Trevor,

374
00:17:17,170 --> 00:17:19,439
what a nice surprise.

375
00:17:20,608 --> 00:17:21,676
Mom!

376
00:17:21,776 --> 00:17:23,578
That's right, it's me.

377
00:17:23,678 --> 00:17:25,178
-Good old Mom.
-Right.

378
00:17:25,279 --> 00:17:27,782
And I'm... Trevor.

379
00:17:27,882 --> 00:17:30,284
-Yes, you are.
-So...

380
00:17:30,384 --> 00:17:32,452
Mom, you're
in a wheelchair now?

381
00:17:32,554 --> 00:17:36,423
Well, Trevor, I've been in
this wheelchair since January.

382
00:17:36,524 --> 00:17:39,561
Yes, and I haven't been here
since then, so...

383
00:17:39,661 --> 00:17:41,996
January of 1979.

384
00:17:42,095 --> 00:17:43,631
Cool, so I do know this.

385
00:17:43,731 --> 00:17:47,100
Darling, what's the matter?
You're not acting yourself.

386
00:17:47,200 --> 00:17:48,836
And what's with that hair?

387
00:17:48,937 --> 00:17:52,907
I don't remember it being
this fake and shitty looking.

388
00:17:53,007 --> 00:17:54,542
It's a wig. Dah!

389
00:17:54,642 --> 00:17:58,546
I mean, um,
I'm growing it out for a wig.

390
00:17:58,646 --> 00:18:00,113
Yeah, Locks for Love.

391
00:18:00,213 --> 00:18:01,883
-Oh.
-I'm gonna give some bald,

392
00:18:01,983 --> 00:18:03,317
barren women a second chance.

393
00:18:03,417 --> 00:18:06,286
Well, I was just about
to have some tea.

394
00:18:06,386 --> 00:18:08,355
Won't you join me?

395
00:18:08,455 --> 00:18:10,525
Mom, it's really good
to see you.

396
00:18:10,959 --> 00:18:12,125
Really actually good.

397
00:18:12,225 --> 00:18:15,029
Well, it is really good
to see you, too, dear,

398
00:18:15,128 --> 00:18:18,032
always, my darling boy.

399
00:18:18,131 --> 00:18:20,467
My only darling boy.

400
00:18:21,101 --> 00:18:22,870
The only boy I ever had.

401
00:18:22,971 --> 00:18:24,171
-Sure, yeah.
-Yes.

402
00:18:24,271 --> 00:18:26,106
The only boy that ever came

403
00:18:26,206 --> 00:18:28,475
rocketing out of my vagina.

404
00:18:28,576 --> 00:18:29,376
Okay.

405
00:18:29,476 --> 00:18:31,278
I would've probably
had another one

406
00:18:31,378 --> 00:18:32,981
just like you, but I didn't.

407
00:18:33,081 --> 00:18:35,049
-The more you...
-I had a vasectomy.

408
00:18:35,148 --> 00:18:37,484
One second
after you was born,

409
00:18:37,585 --> 00:18:39,020
-Wow.
-I had a vasectomy.

410
00:18:39,152 --> 00:18:41,254
They snipped it.

411
00:18:42,657 --> 00:18:44,559
So, Mom...

412
00:18:44,659 --> 00:18:46,226
It's been a minute,
what have you been up to?

413
00:18:46,326 --> 00:18:49,063
Oh, my gosh, Trevor!

414
00:18:49,162 --> 00:18:51,331
Well, you know me.

415
00:18:51,431 --> 00:18:52,332
I do.

416
00:18:52,432 --> 00:18:53,901
And all the things
I get up to.

417
00:18:54,002 --> 00:18:56,571
Any specifics about it,
though, would be appreciated.

418
00:18:56,671 --> 00:18:58,640
Tell me it
as if I didn't know,

419
00:18:58,740 --> 00:19:00,875
-even though of course I do.
-Ah, this morning,

420
00:19:00,975 --> 00:19:04,779
Patricia and I watched a film
from the Criterion Collection.

421
00:19:04,879 --> 00:19:07,515
-You know Patricia, of course.
-If you say so.

422
00:19:07,615 --> 00:19:10,384
Mom, you seem so cultured.

423
00:19:10,484 --> 00:19:13,220
Well, I'm glad you're
finally recognizing that.

424
00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:17,025
Yeah, me, too, it's time
that someone fina...

425
00:19:17,125 --> 00:19:19,661
Uh, that's sand.

426
00:19:19,761 --> 00:19:21,562
Oh, my God.

427
00:19:21,663 --> 00:19:24,932
I switched the tea
and the sand again.

428
00:19:25,033 --> 00:19:26,166
Again?

429
00:19:26,266 --> 00:19:28,936
I'm going fast.

430
00:19:29,037 --> 00:19:31,105
I make my own sand, you know.

431
00:19:31,204 --> 00:19:32,740
-Do you?
-Yes, I do.

432
00:19:32,840 --> 00:19:33,908
Out of what?

433
00:19:34,008 --> 00:19:35,342
Out of sand.

434
00:19:35,442 --> 00:19:37,078
Here you go, darling.

435
00:19:37,177 --> 00:19:38,311
-Thank you.
-Oh, my gosh,

436
00:19:38,412 --> 00:19:40,081
wait a minute, not so fast.

437
00:19:40,180 --> 00:19:41,516
That'll be your reward.

438
00:19:41,616 --> 00:19:43,151
Before you go,
I need you to grab

439
00:19:43,250 --> 00:19:45,153
something down for me, please?

440
00:19:45,252 --> 00:19:47,021
-Yeah, fucking sure. Um...
-Yes, yes.

441
00:19:47,121 --> 00:19:48,488
It's that one right there.

442
00:19:48,589 --> 00:19:50,424
-This one?
-Nope, that one.

443
00:19:50,525 --> 00:19:52,894
-So this one?
-No, that one.

444
00:19:52,994 --> 00:19:55,362
-Okay, then this one?
-No, darling, that one.

445
00:19:55,462 --> 00:19:56,531
-Here?
-Darling?

446
00:19:56,631 --> 00:19:58,132
Let's calm down, look at me.

447
00:19:58,231 --> 00:20:00,001
-Do you see my finger?
-I do.

448
00:20:00,101 --> 00:20:01,636
-This is called pointing.
-Yeah.

449
00:20:01,736 --> 00:20:03,805
If you draw
a little dotted line

450
00:20:03,905 --> 00:20:06,206
from the tip of my finger
and you go poop, boop, boop.

451
00:20:06,306 --> 00:20:08,208
Yeah, boop, boop, boop,
boop, boop right to here.

452
00:20:08,308 --> 00:20:09,510
-This is the one?
-No!

453
00:20:09,610 --> 00:20:10,878
-Here?
-Let me, okay, let me...

454
00:20:10,978 --> 00:20:11,979
I need to calm down.

455
00:20:12,080 --> 00:20:13,014
Could you describe it?

456
00:20:13,114 --> 00:20:14,716
Darling, I'm not
going to spoil you.

457
00:20:14,816 --> 00:20:17,618
How about a single adjective
of-of any of these?

458
00:20:17,719 --> 00:20:20,253
Not over there.
Look, this is like this.

459
00:20:20,353 --> 00:20:21,889
-Here again.
-Not that one.

460
00:20:21,989 --> 00:20:23,124
-Is it this one?
-Yeah!

461
00:20:23,223 --> 00:20:24,826
Oh, motherfucker. Goddamn it.

462
00:20:24,926 --> 00:20:27,327
I could think of words
you could've used.

463
00:20:27,427 --> 00:20:29,931
Ooh, well,
that was quite an ordeal.

464
00:20:30,031 --> 00:20:31,766
-Yeah, I'll say.
-Oh, my God.

465
00:20:31,866 --> 00:20:33,333
No, no, no, no, please.

466
00:20:33,433 --> 00:20:35,302
That's Jerome.
He's easily aroused.

467
00:20:35,402 --> 00:20:37,105
Don't get him
anywhere near me.

468
00:20:37,205 --> 00:20:38,238
You have sex with this?

469
00:20:38,338 --> 00:20:39,741
Darling, of course.

470
00:20:39,841 --> 00:20:42,076
Look at him,
how could I possibly resist?

471
00:20:42,176 --> 00:20:44,178
-He? It's a he?
-He's a they.

472
00:20:44,277 --> 00:20:46,514
Oh, God, well, I--
Now that I know that you

473
00:20:46,614 --> 00:20:49,584
fuck this little gay boot,
I'd love to put it somewhere.

474
00:20:49,684 --> 00:20:51,251
I think you should put him
right down there

475
00:20:51,351 --> 00:20:53,221
next to Patricia,
she can handle it.

476
00:20:53,353 --> 00:20:55,355
This is Patricia,
who you saw the movie with?

477
00:20:55,455 --> 00:20:57,992
Darling, of course.
You know Patricia.

478
00:20:58,092 --> 00:21:00,194
And I would ask you
to unhand her!

479
00:21:00,293 --> 00:21:01,662
Okay, Mommy, you know what?

480
00:21:01,763 --> 00:21:03,531
I think maybe you need to get
out of the house a little bit.

481
00:21:03,631 --> 00:21:06,500
Darling,
why would I leave the house?

482
00:21:06,601 --> 00:21:09,003
I have everything
I need right here.

483
00:21:09,103 --> 00:21:10,171
Yeah, sure.

484
00:21:10,270 --> 00:21:13,174
I lead a charmed life, Trevor.

485
00:21:13,273 --> 00:21:15,076
Don't you understand?

486
00:21:19,446 --> 00:21:23,584
<i>♪ My life's been quite</i>
<i>the wild ride ♪</i>

487
00:21:23,684 --> 00:21:25,953
<i>♪ Intrigue, thrills ♪</i>

488
00:21:26,053 --> 00:21:28,723
<i>♪ Romance ♪</i>

489
00:21:28,823 --> 00:21:32,660
<i>♪ I may have reached</i>
<i>my twilight years ♪</i>

490
00:21:32,760 --> 00:21:37,632
<i>♪ But it's all still</i>
<i>song and dance ♪</i>

491
00:21:38,266 --> 00:21:39,934
<i>♪ Seasons come ♪</i>

492
00:21:40,034 --> 00:21:42,603
<i>♪ And seasons go ♪</i>

493
00:21:42,703 --> 00:21:48,075
<i>♪ My years keep flying by ♪</i>

494
00:21:48,176 --> 00:21:52,379
<i>♪ And now I sit here</i>
<i>in my house</i>
<i>until the day I die ♪</i>

495
00:21:52,479 --> 00:21:54,949
Trevor,
I'm an independent woman.

496
00:21:55,049 --> 00:21:59,086
I do what I want when I want
with whom I want.

497
00:21:59,187 --> 00:22:01,488
-I am very confused.
-I'm afraid

498
00:22:01,589 --> 00:22:03,524
you simply don't understand

499
00:22:03,624 --> 00:22:07,360
what a gas it is
when you get to be my age.

500
00:22:07,460 --> 00:22:08,830
<i>♪ I'm 93 ♪</i>

501
00:22:08,930 --> 00:22:10,298
<i>♪ No, 94 ♪</i>

502
00:22:10,397 --> 00:22:11,966
That can't be right.

503
00:22:12,066 --> 00:22:13,366
<i>♪ Just wait, there's more ♪</i>

504
00:22:13,466 --> 00:22:16,304
<i>♪ My back is broke</i>
<i>My tits, they sag ♪</i>

505
00:22:16,403 --> 00:22:19,339
<i>♪ I have to pee into a bag ♪</i>

506
00:22:19,439 --> 00:22:22,543
<i>♪ I have three toes</i>
<i>My eyes are coins ♪</i>

507
00:22:22,643 --> 00:22:25,613
<i>♪ A mouse named Pip</i>
<i>lives in my loins ♪</i>

508
00:22:25,713 --> 00:22:28,448
<i>♪ I smell like milk</i>
<i>Well, more like cheese ♪</i>

509
00:22:28,549 --> 00:22:31,986
<i>♪ My nipples wink</i>
<i>I never sneeze ♪</i>

510
00:22:32,086 --> 00:22:34,522
<i>♪ I cannot remember</i>
<i>the year I was born ♪</i>

511
00:22:34,622 --> 00:22:37,625
<i>♪ I sculpt all my friends</i>
<i>out of clay ♪</i>

512
00:22:37,725 --> 00:22:40,862
<i>♪ I've seen every movie</i>
<i>And most of them thrice ♪</i>

513
00:22:40,962 --> 00:22:44,165
<i>♪ For breakfast</i>
<i>I only eat hay ♪</i>

514
00:22:44,265 --> 00:22:46,167
Well, this has been fun,
but I got to be

515
00:22:46,267 --> 00:22:47,902
anywhere but here.

516
00:22:48,002 --> 00:22:50,972
<i>♪ I keep all my ice cubes</i>
<i>inside of my purse ♪</i>

517
00:22:51,072 --> 00:22:53,875
<i>♪ I have a whole room</i>
<i>full of geese ♪</i>

518
00:22:53,975 --> 00:22:56,611
<i>♪ I only read backwards</i>
<i>I never use spoons ♪</i>

519
00:22:56,711 --> 00:22:59,080
<i>♪ My mother is also my niece ♪</i>

520
00:22:59,180 --> 00:23:01,682
<i>♪ My organs are cotton</i>
<i>I cry melted butter ♪</i>

521
00:23:01,782 --> 00:23:04,151
<i>♪ I have no reflection</i>
<i>I bathe in asbestos ♪</i>

522
00:23:04,252 --> 00:23:06,453
<i>♪ The world is a riddle</i>
<i>I might be the devil ♪</i>

523
00:23:06,554 --> 00:23:09,090
<i>♪ My pussy fell off</i>
<i>once in Greece, hey! ♪</i>

524
00:23:10,490 --> 00:23:12,492
Who saw that coming?

525
00:23:12,593 --> 00:23:14,795
I did.

526
00:23:16,130 --> 00:23:17,098
Craig.

527
00:23:17,598 --> 00:23:19,533
My favorite son.

528
00:23:20,101 --> 00:23:21,569
My only son.

529
00:23:21,669 --> 00:23:23,436
-What a surprise.
-Yeah.

530
00:23:23,537 --> 00:23:25,106
I thought I'd swing by.

531
00:23:25,206 --> 00:23:26,874
Oh.

532
00:23:26,974 --> 00:23:28,576
A hug.

533
00:23:28,676 --> 00:23:31,913
Well, this is new.

534
00:23:32,013 --> 00:23:33,147
Uh...

535
00:23:34,382 --> 00:23:35,716
Don't forget to let go.

536
00:23:35,816 --> 00:23:37,752
Otherwise,
we're just wrasslin'.

537
00:23:40,121 --> 00:23:41,689
Wow.

538
00:23:42,390 --> 00:23:44,258
Swanky digs, Dad.

539
00:23:44,358 --> 00:23:46,594
-Oh, hush.
-No, I mean it.

540
00:23:46,694 --> 00:23:49,730
This place is so nice
and clean and chic and...

541
00:23:49,830 --> 00:23:52,099
God, I wish I'd grown up here.

542
00:23:53,000 --> 00:23:55,536
What are talking about, Craig?
You did grow up here.

543
00:23:55,636 --> 00:23:57,805
And I wish
I could grow up here again.

544
00:23:57,905 --> 00:24:00,174
-Shame how time works.
-Yeah.

545
00:24:00,274 --> 00:24:02,310
It really sucks.
Care for a mimosa?

546
00:24:02,410 --> 00:24:03,978
Oh.

547
00:24:04,078 --> 00:24:06,814
Don't judge,
but I've already had one...

548
00:24:06,914 --> 00:24:07,748
pitcher.

549
00:24:07,848 --> 00:24:09,884
Come on.

550
00:24:09,984 --> 00:24:11,352
Just kidding.

551
00:24:11,451 --> 00:24:13,154
But I do drink every morning.

552
00:24:13,254 --> 00:24:14,655
-Sure.
-Cheers.

553
00:24:16,757 --> 00:24:17,692
Mmm.

554
00:24:17,792 --> 00:24:20,328
Craig, I'm glad
you're here actually.

555
00:24:20,428 --> 00:24:22,797
Same, Dad.
What do you want to do first?

556
00:24:22,897 --> 00:24:26,067
Play catch in the yard?
Not talk about our feelings?

557
00:24:27,401 --> 00:24:29,570
Funny you should mention
feelings.

558
00:24:32,039 --> 00:24:34,175
Uh...

559
00:24:38,913 --> 00:24:39,914
Wow.

560
00:24:40,014 --> 00:24:41,782
Okay.

561
00:24:41,882 --> 00:24:44,051
I've been meaning
to tell you for some time.

562
00:24:45,119 --> 00:24:48,022
There's no easy way
to say this, but...

563
00:24:48,622 --> 00:24:50,958
-But...
-But what?

564
00:24:53,461 --> 00:24:54,595
I'm gay.

565
00:24:57,098 --> 00:24:59,567
Wait, wait, uh,
this is something that I,

566
00:24:59,667 --> 00:25:01,869
Craig, didn't know about
until just now?

567
00:25:01,969 --> 00:25:02,903
That's correct.

568
00:25:03,004 --> 00:25:04,972
Um, okay, great,
then I can freely say,

569
00:25:05,072 --> 00:25:08,509
what the fuck, Dad,
you're gay?

570
00:25:08,609 --> 00:25:10,544
Well, I was hoping
for a little more enthusiasm,

571
00:25:10,644 --> 00:25:12,913
but yes, Craig, I'm gay.

572
00:25:13,014 --> 00:25:15,649
Queer as a three-dollar bill
and just as thin.

573
00:25:15,750 --> 00:25:17,651
-Well, let's not go c--
-Shh. Daddy's talking.

574
00:25:17,752 --> 00:25:19,620
-Mm-hmm.
-Honestly,

575
00:25:19,720 --> 00:25:22,356
the signs have been there
for ages.

576
00:25:22,456 --> 00:25:24,058
I'm only now realizing it.

577
00:25:24,158 --> 00:25:27,361
I am and have always been
a normal homosexual man

578
00:25:27,461 --> 00:25:30,998
who does all the normal things
normal homosexual men do.

579
00:25:31,098 --> 00:25:34,035
-Like what?
-Well, I'll tell you.

580
00:25:35,069 --> 00:25:37,338
<i>♪ I wake up, drink my coffee ♪</i>

581
00:25:37,438 --> 00:25:39,607
<i>♪ Have brunch around 11:00 ♪</i>

582
00:25:39,707 --> 00:25:41,675
<i>♪ Walk my bichon frise ♪</i>

583
00:25:41,776 --> 00:25:44,078
<i>♪ Then nap till</i>
<i>half past 7:00 ♪</i>

584
00:25:44,178 --> 00:25:46,515
<i>♪ A night out</i>
<i>at the symphony ♪</i>

585
00:25:46,614 --> 00:25:48,682
<i>♪ Such elegance, what poise ♪</i>

586
00:25:48,783 --> 00:25:50,918
<i>♪ Or maybe</i>
<i>I'll just stay at home ♪</i>

587
00:25:51,018 --> 00:25:52,820
<i>♪ With my two Sewer Boys ♪</i>

588
00:25:52,920 --> 00:25:53,854
What?

589
00:25:53,954 --> 00:25:57,091
<i>♪ The answer</i>
<i>is perfectly clear ♪</i>

590
00:25:57,191 --> 00:26:02,531
<i>♪ It's a gay old life</i>
<i>being queer ♪</i>

591
00:26:02,630 --> 00:26:05,032
I'm so sorry,
did you say "Sewer Boys"?

592
00:26:05,132 --> 00:26:08,936
Oh, come on, Craig.
You know my Sewer Boys.

593
00:26:14,108 --> 00:26:15,544
No!

594
00:26:15,643 --> 00:26:19,180
No! No!

595
00:26:19,280 --> 00:26:23,851
No! No! No!

596
00:26:23,951 --> 00:26:26,087
Christ on a crutch,
Craig.

597
00:26:26,187 --> 00:26:27,188
Are you all right?

598
00:26:27,288 --> 00:26:30,357
You sounded like Maria Callas
on a rough matinee.

599
00:26:30,458 --> 00:26:32,193
What the fuck are
those things?

600
00:26:32,293 --> 00:26:34,495
My Sewer Boys.

601
00:26:34,595 --> 00:26:37,098
Pale little inbred creatures,

602
00:26:37,198 --> 00:26:37,965
live underground.

603
00:26:38,065 --> 00:26:40,501
Only communicate
in clicks and whistles.

604
00:26:42,903 --> 00:26:45,306
I-I'm very confused.

605
00:26:45,406 --> 00:26:46,774
You do seem a bit off, dear.

606
00:26:46,874 --> 00:26:48,275
And what's with your hair?

607
00:26:48,375 --> 00:26:50,878
I don't remember it being
this fake or shitty looking.

608
00:26:50,978 --> 00:26:52,947
Oh, God, who cares
about wigs right now?

609
00:26:53,047 --> 00:26:54,583
Those things are disgusting.

610
00:26:54,682 --> 00:26:56,951
They're not disgusting,
they're gay culture.

611
00:26:57,051 --> 00:26:59,386
Gay culture?
Well, they don't seem gay.

612
00:26:59,487 --> 00:27:01,021
They seem dangerous.

613
00:27:01,122 --> 00:27:04,258
Well, I appreciate
your concern, but...

614
00:27:04,358 --> 00:27:09,096
<i>♪ There's nothing dangerous</i>
<i>about vacationing in Spain ♪</i>

615
00:27:09,196 --> 00:27:10,798
<i>♪ That is</i>
<i>until you've thrown ♪</i>

616
00:27:10,898 --> 00:27:13,568
<i>♪ Half of your savings</i>
<i>down the drain ♪</i>

617
00:27:13,667 --> 00:27:16,003
<i>♪ But money should be spent</i>
<i>on things ♪</i>

618
00:27:16,103 --> 00:27:18,239
<i>♪ Both lovely and refined ♪</i>

619
00:27:18,339 --> 00:27:20,741
<i>♪ The Sewer Boys</i>
<i>drink blood for fun ♪</i>

620
00:27:20,841 --> 00:27:22,476
<i>♪ And also read my mind ♪</i>

621
00:27:22,577 --> 00:27:26,714
<i>♪ Don't get in a tizzy</i>
<i>My dear ♪</i>

622
00:27:26,814 --> 00:27:29,483
<i>♪ It's a gay old life ♪</i>

623
00:27:29,584 --> 00:27:32,887
<i>♪ Being queer ♪</i>

624
00:27:32,987 --> 00:27:35,524
What do you mean,
they read your mind?

625
00:27:35,624 --> 00:27:37,691
Uh-oh, someone's hungry.

626
00:27:39,493 --> 00:27:40,995
Oh, God.

627
00:27:42,363 --> 00:27:43,264
Ah.

628
00:27:43,364 --> 00:27:45,432
They'll do anything
for a little deli meat.

629
00:27:45,534 --> 00:27:48,702
No, I hate this.

630
00:27:49,370 --> 00:27:50,871
What are you doing?

631
00:27:57,011 --> 00:27:59,246
-Oh.
-All right,
it's your turn.

632
00:28:02,316 --> 00:28:04,818
Oh, there's got to be
a different way to feed them.

633
00:28:05,352 --> 00:28:06,687
No!

634
00:28:09,290 --> 00:28:10,791
All right, all right.

635
00:28:14,161 --> 00:28:17,198
Hey, let's brainstorm
some ideas together, Papa.

636
00:28:17,298 --> 00:28:18,165
Maybe a bowl.

637
00:28:18,265 --> 00:28:20,801
Have you thought about
a fucking bowl?

638
00:28:20,901 --> 00:28:22,803
Nope, this is how
we've always done it.

639
00:28:22,903 --> 00:28:24,772
Dinnertime with my Sewer Boys,

640
00:28:24,872 --> 00:28:26,340
Backpack and Whisper.

641
00:28:26,440 --> 00:28:27,576
Those are their names?

642
00:28:27,676 --> 00:28:28,610
Watch your talons.

643
00:28:28,709 --> 00:28:30,645
Talons.

644
00:28:30,744 --> 00:28:33,515
-Want some ham?
-No, I don't want any ham!

645
00:28:33,615 --> 00:28:35,517
I feel like I'm in
a fucking nightmare!

646
00:28:35,617 --> 00:28:37,985
Oh, I understand, son.

647
00:28:39,053 --> 00:28:42,723
Coming out can be
just as hard on the family.

648
00:28:42,823 --> 00:28:45,694
But it's a journey
we'll go on together.

649
00:28:45,793 --> 00:28:47,962
I'm not talking about
coming out.

650
00:28:48,062 --> 00:28:50,331
I'm talking about
the fucking monsters.

651
00:28:51,432 --> 00:28:55,436
Oh, shh! Don't say that
in front of them.

652
00:28:55,537 --> 00:28:56,705
You'll hurt their feelings.

653
00:28:56,804 --> 00:28:59,006
Their feelings? They feel?

654
00:28:59,106 --> 00:29:02,142
What are they?
Explain them to me!

655
00:29:03,377 --> 00:29:05,179
Well, it's a long story.

656
00:29:06,280 --> 00:29:07,381
Very well.

657
00:29:07,481 --> 00:29:08,816
Oh, yeah. Get a hat.

658
00:29:08,916 --> 00:29:10,552
<i>♪ Many decades ago ♪</i>

659
00:29:10,652 --> 00:29:12,086
<i>♪ I was down in the sewer ♪</i>

660
00:29:12,186 --> 00:29:14,355
-Why?
-Shh, Daddy's singing.

661
00:29:14,455 --> 00:29:17,258
<i>♪ Rowing my boat through</i>
<i>the slime and manure ♪</i>

662
00:29:17,358 --> 00:29:19,126
How did you get a boat
into the sewer?

663
00:29:19,226 --> 00:29:21,061
You want to hear the story
or not?

664
00:29:21,161 --> 00:29:24,331
<i>♪ Collecting adventures</i>
<i>and treasures galore ♪</i>

665
00:29:24,431 --> 00:29:29,136
<i>♪ But I couldn't guess</i>
<i>what fate had in store ♪</i>

666
00:29:29,236 --> 00:29:31,573
<i>♪ I rounded a bend</i>
<i>and what did I see? ♪</i>

667
00:29:31,673 --> 00:29:35,042
<i>♪ Two creatures so bloody</i>
<i>So foul, so carefree ♪</i>

668
00:29:35,142 --> 00:29:38,546
<i>♪ They were taking a bath</i>
<i>in the corpse of a swine ♪</i>

669
00:29:38,647 --> 00:29:40,749
<i>♪ And that's when I knew ♪</i>

670
00:29:40,848 --> 00:29:44,485
<i>♪ They had to be mine ♪</i>

671
00:29:45,720 --> 00:29:48,022
<i>♪ I tried to entice them ♪</i>

672
00:29:48,122 --> 00:29:50,592
<i>♪ But they were too quick ♪</i>

673
00:29:50,692 --> 00:29:52,761
<i>♪ Tried to rip out</i>
<i>my trachea ♪</i>

674
00:29:52,860 --> 00:29:55,195
<i>♪ Bite off my dick ♪</i>

675
00:29:55,296 --> 00:29:57,331
<i>♪ With a club</i>
<i>I subdued them ♪</i>

676
00:29:57,431 --> 00:30:00,769
<i>♪ And made to depart ♪</i>

677
00:30:00,868 --> 00:30:03,705
<i>♪ And I stole</i>
<i>the two creatures ♪</i>

678
00:30:03,804 --> 00:30:08,075
<i>♪ Who'd stolen my heart ♪</i>

679
00:30:08,442 --> 00:30:09,410
Jesus.

680
00:30:11,378 --> 00:30:15,482
<i>♪ My boy</i>
<i>There's no reason to jeer ♪</i>

681
00:30:15,583 --> 00:30:19,554
<i>♪ It's a gay old life ♪</i>

682
00:30:19,654 --> 00:30:21,723
<i>♪ Being ♪</i>

683
00:30:21,822 --> 00:30:26,126
<i>♪ Queer... ♪</i>

684
00:30:26,226 --> 00:30:27,595
<i>♪ I bathe in bleach ♪</i>

685
00:30:27,696 --> 00:30:29,163
<i>♪ There's skiing up in Aspen ♪</i>

686
00:30:29,263 --> 00:30:30,964
<i>-♪ I play the horn ♪</i>
<i>-♪ And sailing of West Palm ♪</i>

687
00:30:31,065 --> 00:30:32,132
<i>♪ One time I died ♪</i>

688
00:30:32,232 --> 00:30:33,668
<i>♪ The snow is fine as powder ♪</i>

689
00:30:33,768 --> 00:30:35,436
<i>-♪ I suck on corn ♪</i>
<i>-♪ The waves are always calm ♪</i>

690
00:30:35,537 --> 00:30:37,438
<i>-♪ I poison fruit ♪</i>
<i>-♪ But no matter where I am ♪</i>

691
00:30:37,539 --> 00:30:38,839
<i>-♪ I kissed a chair ♪</i>
<i>-♪ There is no way ♪</i>

692
00:30:38,939 --> 00:30:40,374
<i>♪ I can resist</i>
<i>the urge to climb ♪</i>

693
00:30:40,474 --> 00:30:41,942
<i>-♪ I juggle for exercise ♪</i>
<i>-♪ Below the streets ♪</i>

694
00:30:42,042 --> 00:30:43,477
<i>-♪ Never use alphabet ♪</i>
<i>-♪ And smell ♪</i>

695
00:30:43,578 --> 00:30:44,912
<i>-♪ And a tornado's my friend ♪</i>
<i>-♪ That stinky mist ♪</i>

696
00:30:45,012 --> 00:30:46,648
<i>♪ The answer is ♪</i>

697
00:30:46,748 --> 00:30:48,982
<i>♪ Perfectly clear ♪</i>

698
00:30:49,083 --> 00:30:53,187
<i>♪ It's a gay old life ♪</i>

699
00:30:53,287 --> 00:30:55,724
<i>♪ Being queer ♪</i>

700
00:30:55,824 --> 00:31:01,362
<i>♪ I have no pussy ♪</i>

701
00:31:04,733 --> 00:31:06,634
<i>Those foolish boys.</i>

702
00:31:06,735 --> 00:31:08,670
<i>What, oh, what will they do?</i>

703
00:31:13,608 --> 00:31:16,845
Craig Tiddle's phone,
Craig Tiddle speaking. Ah!

704
00:31:16,944 --> 00:31:18,513
Why didn't you tell me
Dad was a gay man

705
00:31:18,613 --> 00:31:20,381
obsessed with Sewer Boys?

706
00:31:20,481 --> 00:31:21,516
Because I was ashamed.

707
00:31:21,616 --> 00:31:23,350
You don't know what it's like
to feed Boar's Head ham

708
00:31:23,450 --> 00:31:25,854
to those slimy little demons
your whole life.

709
00:31:25,953 --> 00:31:28,288
Why didn't you tell me
Mom's pussy fell off?

710
00:31:28,389 --> 00:31:30,558
You weren't there.
It was really disturbing.

711
00:31:30,658 --> 00:31:32,527
Well, I'm sure it was,
but not knowing really--

712
00:31:32,627 --> 00:31:35,864
No, Craig. It was awful.

713
00:31:35,963 --> 00:31:38,800
It crawled away like
a fucking cockroach.

714
00:31:38,899 --> 00:31:40,033
Mom was screaming at me,

715
00:31:40,134 --> 00:31:43,270
"Kill it! Kill it!"

716
00:31:43,370 --> 00:31:46,140
I raised my flip-flop
to deal the death blow,

717
00:31:46,240 --> 00:31:48,375
and it stared me
straight in the eyes.

718
00:31:48,475 --> 00:31:50,377
It had eyes now.

719
00:31:50,477 --> 00:31:53,480
"Dream of this,"
the pussy said to me.

720
00:31:53,581 --> 00:31:55,249
"Dream of this every night."

721
00:31:56,116 --> 00:31:57,519
And I do, Craig.

722
00:31:58,419 --> 00:31:59,420
I do.

723
00:32:00,487 --> 00:32:01,922
Well, our parents
are fucking freaks,

724
00:32:02,022 --> 00:32:03,290
and there's nothing
we can do about it.

725
00:32:03,390 --> 00:32:04,158
What do you mean?

726
00:32:04,258 --> 00:32:05,292
I mean that I thought our plan

727
00:32:05,392 --> 00:32:07,261
was going to be easy,
and it was not.

728
00:32:07,361 --> 00:32:08,962
But I still want to be
brothers, no homo.

729
00:32:09,062 --> 00:32:10,230
Want to be brothers,
no homo, too.

730
00:32:10,330 --> 00:32:11,599
Well, then we have to do this.

731
00:32:11,699 --> 00:32:13,701
But our parents
are completely incompatible.

732
00:32:13,802 --> 00:32:15,969
Mom has no pussy.

733
00:32:16,069 --> 00:32:18,172
Dad is a gay.

734
00:32:18,272 --> 00:32:21,442
I want this to work, okay?
But it just feels...

735
00:32:22,644 --> 00:32:24,178
impossible.

736
00:32:24,278 --> 00:32:26,548
Anything's possible
if you force it to be.

737
00:32:26,648 --> 00:32:28,583
-But--
-Shh.

738
00:32:35,289 --> 00:32:37,826
<i>♪ When I was</i>
<i>picking colleges ♪</i>

739
00:32:37,926 --> 00:32:40,461
<i>♪ My sights were set</i>
<i>on Brown ♪</i>

740
00:32:40,562 --> 00:32:43,497
<i>♪ But my scores</i>
<i>were all so miserable ♪</i>

741
00:32:43,598 --> 00:32:45,966
<i>♪ That they just</i>
<i>turned me down ♪</i>

742
00:32:46,066 --> 00:32:49,036
<i>♪ So I went</i>
<i>and saw the chancellor ♪</i>

743
00:32:49,136 --> 00:32:51,305
<i>♪ To make him think again ♪</i>

744
00:32:51,405 --> 00:32:53,106
<i>♪ And when he still refused ♪</i>

745
00:32:53,207 --> 00:32:58,913
<i>♪ I roofied him</i>
<i>And then he let me in ♪</i>

746
00:32:59,012 --> 00:33:01,048
<i>♪ You can't give up ♪</i>

747
00:33:01,148 --> 00:33:04,151
<i>♪ When people tell you no ♪</i>

748
00:33:04,251 --> 00:33:06,086
<i>♪ You can't give up ♪</i>

749
00:33:06,186 --> 00:33:09,524
<i>♪ If you want it, make it so ♪</i>

750
00:33:10,859 --> 00:33:13,026
<i>♪ Life's a game of poker ♪</i>

751
00:33:13,126 --> 00:33:15,563
<i>♪ And I only play to win ♪</i>

752
00:33:15,663 --> 00:33:18,700
<i>♪ So if someone says</i>
<i>don't do a thing ♪</i>

753
00:33:18,800 --> 00:33:21,368
<i>♪ Just do that thing again ♪</i>

754
00:33:22,436 --> 00:33:25,038
<i>♪ Last year I found a condo ♪</i>

755
00:33:25,138 --> 00:33:27,474
<i>♪ So high up in the sky ♪</i>

756
00:33:27,575 --> 00:33:30,645
<i>♪ But the grandmother</i>
<i>who lived there ♪</i>

757
00:33:30,745 --> 00:33:33,146
<i>♪ She wouldn't let me buy ♪</i>

758
00:33:33,247 --> 00:33:35,650
<i>♪ So I framed her ass</i>
<i>for larceny ♪</i>

759
00:33:35,750 --> 00:33:38,318
<i>♪ And now she rots in jail ♪</i>

760
00:33:38,418 --> 00:33:40,220
<i>♪ Then I roofied a whole bar ♪</i>

761
00:33:40,320 --> 00:33:42,022
<i>♪ And we all killed ♪</i>

762
00:33:42,122 --> 00:33:45,927
<i>♪ A humpback whale ♪</i>

763
00:33:46,026 --> 00:33:47,729
<i>♪ You can't give up ♪</i>

764
00:33:47,829 --> 00:33:50,832
<i>♪ When people tell you no ♪</i>

765
00:33:50,932 --> 00:33:52,734
<i>♪ You can't give up ♪</i>

766
00:33:52,834 --> 00:33:55,803
<i>♪ If you want it, make it so ♪</i>

767
00:33:57,304 --> 00:33:59,841
<i>♪ Life's a game of Boggle ♪</i>

768
00:33:59,941 --> 00:34:02,442
<i>♪ And I only play to win ♪</i>

769
00:34:02,544 --> 00:34:05,112
<i>♪ So if someone says</i>
<i>don't do a thing ♪</i>

770
00:34:05,212 --> 00:34:07,381
<i>-♪ Just do that thing ♪</i>
<i>-♪ And do that thing ♪</i>

771
00:34:07,481 --> 00:34:09,584
<i>♪ Again ♪</i>

772
00:34:09,684 --> 00:34:11,920
<i>♪ The losers are</i>
<i>all thinking ♪</i>

773
00:34:12,020 --> 00:34:15,122
<i>♪ There's some secret</i>
<i>to success ♪</i>

774
00:34:15,222 --> 00:34:17,892
<i>♪ And they also think</i>
<i>that "no" means "no" ♪</i>

775
00:34:17,992 --> 00:34:22,597
<i>♪ But really</i>
<i>"No" means "yes" ♪</i>

776
00:34:22,697 --> 00:34:27,702
<i>♪ "No" means "yes" ♪</i>

777
00:34:27,802 --> 00:34:29,704
<i>♪ You can't give up ♪</i>

778
00:34:29,804 --> 00:34:32,840
<i>♪ When people tell you no ♪</i>

779
00:34:32,941 --> 00:34:34,909
<i>♪ You can't give up ♪</i>

780
00:34:35,009 --> 00:34:39,179
<i>♪ If you want it, make it so ♪</i>

781
00:34:39,279 --> 00:34:41,415
<i>♪ Life's a fucking hand job ♪</i>

782
00:34:41,516 --> 00:34:44,284
<i>♪ And I only play to win ♪</i>

783
00:34:44,384 --> 00:34:46,320
<i>♪ So stroke my fucking cock ♪</i>

784
00:34:46,420 --> 00:34:49,524
<i>♪ Until I blast</i>
<i>all on your chin ♪</i>

785
00:34:49,624 --> 00:34:52,292
<i>♪ Then take that cum</i>
<i>and lube me up ♪</i>

786
00:34:52,392 --> 00:34:54,796
<i>♪ Until I come again ♪</i>

787
00:34:54,896 --> 00:34:57,732
<i>♪ And if someone says</i>
<i>don't do a thing ♪</i>

788
00:34:57,832 --> 00:34:59,801
<i>♪ Just do that thing</i>
<i>and do that thing ♪</i>

789
00:34:59,901 --> 00:35:01,002
<i>♪ And do that thing ♪</i>

790
00:35:01,101 --> 00:35:05,740
<i>♪ And do that thing... ♪</i>

791
00:35:05,840 --> 00:35:09,242
<i>♪ Again ♪</i>

792
00:35:09,343 --> 00:35:11,411
<i>♪ Do that thing again ♪</i>

793
00:35:17,552 --> 00:35:20,287
Ah. Should I open
another bottle?

794
00:35:20,387 --> 00:35:21,789
I know it's our second,

795
00:35:21,889 --> 00:35:23,123
but we're not Baptists.

796
00:35:26,126 --> 00:35:27,260
Are you sure
that thing's secure?

797
00:35:27,361 --> 00:35:28,462
Hardly.

798
00:35:28,563 --> 00:35:30,965
They've gotten out
so many times,

799
00:35:31,065 --> 00:35:33,534
animal control
made me tag them.

800
00:35:33,635 --> 00:35:36,104
Have you ever thought about
putting them down?

801
00:35:36,203 --> 00:35:39,040
Good grief, I'd sooner
put down my wine.

802
00:35:39,139 --> 00:35:40,575
Though I admit,
they're a handful.

803
00:35:40,675 --> 00:35:43,343
I haven't had a vacation
in years,

804
00:35:43,443 --> 00:35:46,080
and you know how
I love jet lag.

805
00:35:46,179 --> 00:35:48,516
Let's talk about
what I want to talk about.

806
00:35:48,616 --> 00:35:51,819
Like Mom, for example.
If she's real or whatever.

807
00:35:51,919 --> 00:35:53,353
How did you two meet?

808
00:35:53,453 --> 00:35:55,790
Oh! It's a funny story.

809
00:35:55,890 --> 00:35:57,491
We met in a graveyard.

810
00:35:57,592 --> 00:35:59,594
I was trying to find a kidney.

811
00:35:59,694 --> 00:36:02,530
They sell like hotcakes
on the black market.

812
00:36:02,630 --> 00:36:04,532
-You were graverobbing.
-Why, Trevor,

813
00:36:04,632 --> 00:36:07,501
you know that was my job
before the war.

814
00:36:07,602 --> 00:36:09,971
And after. Yahtzee.

815
00:36:10,071 --> 00:36:11,139
We're doing a puzzle.

816
00:36:11,238 --> 00:36:12,540
Puzzle.

817
00:36:13,641 --> 00:36:16,243
There was your mother,
up to her neck

818
00:36:16,343 --> 00:36:18,178
in freshly-tilled dirt.

819
00:36:18,278 --> 00:36:20,982
When I called out to her,
she pulled a gun on me.

820
00:36:21,082 --> 00:36:22,182
Thought I was a cop.

821
00:36:22,282 --> 00:36:24,652
Graverobbing was illegal
in those days.

822
00:36:24,752 --> 00:36:25,953
It's still illegal.

823
00:36:26,054 --> 00:36:27,421
Well, don't tell the police

824
00:36:27,522 --> 00:36:30,625
or they'll make me return
half my wardrobe.

825
00:36:30,725 --> 00:36:33,728
All this talk about Dad.
What is it, Father's Day?

826
00:36:33,828 --> 00:36:35,429
You know, the more
you yammer on about Dad,

827
00:36:35,530 --> 00:36:36,964
it makes me think
you miss him.

828
00:36:37,065 --> 00:36:39,100
Like you want to
see him again.

829
00:36:39,199 --> 00:36:40,902
-See your mother?
-Why not?

830
00:36:41,002 --> 00:36:43,705
You said so yourself, you're
fucking monster children...

831
00:36:43,805 --> 00:36:44,839
Sewer Boys! Sewer Boys!

832
00:36:44,939 --> 00:36:46,708
Whatever!

833
00:36:46,808 --> 00:36:50,011
Your Sewer Boys take up
so much of your time.

834
00:36:50,111 --> 00:36:52,113
When's the last time
you went out

835
00:36:52,212 --> 00:36:53,815
and had a little fun?

836
00:36:53,915 --> 00:36:55,917
A little daddy time?

837
00:36:56,017 --> 00:36:58,986
The last time I went out...

838
00:36:59,087 --> 00:37:01,455
I know the Nazis
were still a thing.

839
00:37:01,556 --> 00:37:03,256
God, whatever happened
to them?

840
00:37:03,356 --> 00:37:04,491
See, this is what I mean.

841
00:37:04,592 --> 00:37:06,561
You should leave the house
now and then.

842
00:37:06,661 --> 00:37:08,730
Hit the town,
look at a current globe,

843
00:37:08,830 --> 00:37:09,630
see Dad.

844
00:37:09,731 --> 00:37:11,231
I don't know about
seeing your mother,

845
00:37:11,331 --> 00:37:13,433
but... you're right.

846
00:37:13,534 --> 00:37:15,069
A little company
could be nice.

847
00:37:15,169 --> 00:37:17,872
Well, how about
you and me go to dinner?

848
00:37:17,972 --> 00:37:19,807
Tomorrow night, 8:00 p.m.?

849
00:37:19,907 --> 00:37:21,075
Tomorrow night?

850
00:37:21,175 --> 00:37:23,310
Let's just have drinks
here instead, eh?

851
00:37:23,410 --> 00:37:25,747
Or, or...
we could go somewhere better.

852
00:37:25,847 --> 00:37:28,116
The kind of place where
you could fall in love again.

853
00:37:28,216 --> 00:37:29,751
A place like

854
00:37:30,218 --> 00:37:32,352
La Chateaux.

855
00:37:32,452 --> 00:37:36,023
The most romantic restaurant
in all of New York?

856
00:37:36,124 --> 00:37:37,658
Odd place to go with your son.

857
00:37:37,759 --> 00:37:38,926
Well, I already
made a reservation,

858
00:37:39,026 --> 00:37:41,662
so enjoy your empty evening
full of nothing

859
00:37:41,763 --> 00:37:43,097
but the silence
of your own thoughts.

860
00:37:43,197 --> 00:37:46,399
And I loved that idea you had
about dinner at La Chateaux.

861
00:37:46,500 --> 00:37:48,569
Wait a minute,
wasn't that your idea?

862
00:37:48,669 --> 00:37:51,139
Yup, that's right, a dinner
that's definitely your idea,

863
00:37:51,239 --> 00:37:52,607
and definitely with me.

864
00:37:52,707 --> 00:37:53,641
Bye, Mommy.

865
00:37:53,741 --> 00:37:54,876
Well, we'll see.

866
00:37:54,976 --> 00:37:57,745
I mean, uh, it was lovely
of you to come over, though.

867
00:37:57,845 --> 00:38:00,214
I hope you'll come back...

868
00:38:00,313 --> 00:38:01,414
soon.

869
00:38:01,516 --> 00:38:02,750
Come back soon.

870
00:38:11,092 --> 00:38:16,564
<i>♪ The phone, it never rings ♪</i>

871
00:38:18,099 --> 00:38:23,538
<i>♪ The door, it never knocks ♪</i>

872
00:38:24,939 --> 00:38:30,077
<i>♪ I sit here</i>
<i>with my bric-a-brac ♪</i>

873
00:38:30,178 --> 00:38:33,181
<i>♪ Oh, my tchotchkes ♪</i>

874
00:38:33,281 --> 00:38:36,884
<i>♪ And my clocks ♪</i>

875
00:38:38,820 --> 00:38:43,423
<i>♪ I don't think</i>
<i>it's a problem ♪</i>

876
00:38:43,524 --> 00:38:50,097
<i>♪ That I hate to go outside ♪</i>

877
00:38:50,198 --> 00:38:53,301
<i>♪ Though I worry ♪</i>

878
00:38:53,400 --> 00:38:57,138
<i>♪ It'll take them weeks ♪</i>

879
00:38:57,238 --> 00:39:00,808
<i>♪ To find my body ♪</i>

880
00:39:00,908 --> 00:39:04,512
<i>♪ Once I've died ♪</i>

881
00:39:05,046 --> 00:39:06,781
<i>♪ I'm lonely ♪</i>

882
00:39:06,881 --> 00:39:10,350
<i>♪ I'm lonely, I'm lonely</i>
<i>I'm lonely, I'm lonely ♪</i>

883
00:39:10,450 --> 00:39:12,019
<i>♪ I'm lonely ♪</i>

884
00:39:12,119 --> 00:39:13,486
<i>♪ So lonely ♪</i>

885
00:39:13,588 --> 00:39:18,125
<i>♪ So fucking lonely</i>
<i>all the time ♪</i>

886
00:39:19,227 --> 00:39:22,429
<i>♪ I am a person ♪</i>

887
00:39:22,530 --> 00:39:24,198
<i>♪ Who's lonely ♪</i>

888
00:39:24,298 --> 00:39:29,070
<i>♪ My Sewer Boys</i>
<i>They bring me joy ♪</i>

889
00:39:31,005 --> 00:39:36,577
<i>♪ They have</i>
<i>throughout the years ♪</i>

890
00:39:38,045 --> 00:39:39,513
<i>♪ But I admit ♪</i>

891
00:39:39,614 --> 00:39:42,583
<i>♪ They've scared away ♪</i>

892
00:39:42,683 --> 00:39:46,354
<i>♪ My wife, my son ♪</i>

893
00:39:46,453 --> 00:39:49,389
<i>♪ My peers ♪</i>

894
00:39:49,489 --> 00:39:52,927
<i>♪ Could it be ♪</i>

895
00:39:53,027 --> 00:39:56,631
<i>♪ I've hid behind ♪</i>

896
00:39:56,731 --> 00:40:03,403
<i>♪ My sweet, delightful pets? ♪</i>

897
00:40:04,872 --> 00:40:07,642
<i>♪ That they've mired me ♪</i>

898
00:40:07,742 --> 00:40:10,578
<i>♪ In crippling debt ♪</i>

899
00:40:10,678 --> 00:40:15,448
<i>♪ And been the cause</i>
<i>of my death threats ♪</i>

900
00:40:18,052 --> 00:40:19,486
<i>♪ I'm lonely ♪</i>

901
00:40:19,587 --> 00:40:24,125
<i>♪ I'm lonely, I'm lonely</i>
<i>I'm lonely ♪</i>

902
00:40:24,959 --> 00:40:26,459
<i>♪ So lonely ♪</i>

903
00:40:26,560 --> 00:40:31,899
<i>♪ So lonely and so all alone ♪</i>

904
00:40:31,999 --> 00:40:35,870
<i>♪ I am a person ♪</i>

905
00:40:35,970 --> 00:40:38,639
<i>♪ Was it wrong to throw away ♪</i>

906
00:40:38,739 --> 00:40:41,208
<i>♪ The marriage that I had? ♪</i>

907
00:40:41,309 --> 00:40:42,777
<i>♪ Was it wrong? ♪</i>

908
00:40:42,877 --> 00:40:44,812
<i>♪ To split my children up ♪</i>

909
00:40:44,912 --> 00:40:48,182
<i>♪ Is there a chance</i>
<i>that was bad? ♪</i>

910
00:40:48,282 --> 00:40:49,817
<i>♪ That was bad ♪</i>

911
00:40:49,917 --> 00:40:52,485
<i>♪ Am I wrong to live my life ♪</i>

912
00:40:52,586 --> 00:40:55,056
<i>♪ The way I do now? ♪</i>

913
00:40:57,224 --> 00:40:59,660
<i>-♪ Should I try to change? ♪</i>
<i>-♪ Yes ♪</i>

914
00:40:59,760 --> 00:41:02,063
<i>-♪ Some way ♪</i>
<i>-♪ Please ♪</i>

915
00:41:02,163 --> 00:41:03,230
<i>♪ Somehow ♪</i>

916
00:41:03,331 --> 00:41:04,298
<i>♪ Change ♪</i>

917
00:41:04,398 --> 00:41:06,434
<i>♪ I have so much to share ♪</i>

918
00:41:06,534 --> 00:41:07,535
<i>♪ Change ♪</i>

919
00:41:07,635 --> 00:41:09,704
<i>♪ Does anybody care? ♪</i>

920
00:41:09,804 --> 00:41:13,274
<i>♪ Please, God</i>
<i>If you're listening ♪</i>

921
00:41:13,374 --> 00:41:16,944
<i>♪ Just trust me</i>
<i>I'm Christian now ♪</i>

922
00:41:17,044 --> 00:41:22,249
<i>♪ Answer my</i>
<i>motherfucking prayer ♪</i>

923
00:41:22,350 --> 00:41:25,052
Oh, not now. Not now.

924
00:41:30,091 --> 00:41:32,560
<i>♪ I'm lonely ♪</i>

925
00:41:32,660 --> 00:41:36,998
<i>♪ I'm so lonely ♪</i>

926
00:41:37,098 --> 00:41:38,833
<i>♪ So lonely ♪</i>

927
00:41:38,933 --> 00:41:43,504
<i>♪ So lonely, I'm all alone ♪</i>

928
00:41:43,604 --> 00:41:46,574
<i>-♪ I'm lonely ♪</i>
<i>-♪ I'm lonely ♪</i>

929
00:41:46,674 --> 00:41:48,376
<i>♪ So very lonely ♪</i>

930
00:41:48,476 --> 00:41:50,578
<i>♪ You know I'm lonely ♪</i>

931
00:41:50,678 --> 00:41:54,215
<i>♪ I am a person ♪</i>

932
00:41:55,850 --> 00:41:58,619
<i>-♪ Who's ♪</i>
<i>-♪ Who's ♪</i>

933
00:42:00,521 --> 00:42:02,656
<i>♪ Lonely ♪</i>

934
00:42:02,757 --> 00:42:06,293
<i>-♪ Lonely ♪</i>
<i>-♪ Lonely ♪</i>

935
00:42:06,394 --> 00:42:09,230
<i>♪ Lonely ♪</i>

936
00:42:09,330 --> 00:42:16,203
<i>-♪ Lonely ♪</i>
<i>-♪ Lonely ♪</i>

937
00:42:21,909 --> 00:42:23,911
Mom called me confirming
she's on for dinner tonight.

938
00:42:24,011 --> 00:42:26,515
Oh, Dad has left me,
like, 14 voice mails.

939
00:42:26,614 --> 00:42:28,783
-The plan is working, King.
-Hell yeah, King.

940
00:42:28,883 --> 00:42:30,985
There's no way this can
possibly go wrong.

941
00:42:31,085 --> 00:42:32,853
Uh... Oh, uh-uh.

942
00:42:32,953 --> 00:42:35,656
Tiddle, Brock, what the hell
y'all two doing here?

943
00:42:35,756 --> 00:42:36,924
We're keeping
your company afloat.

944
00:42:37,024 --> 00:42:38,292
-You're welcome.
-I don't know

945
00:42:38,392 --> 00:42:39,528
if estrogen
makes you forgetful,

946
00:42:39,627 --> 00:42:40,828
but we're your
top two salesmen.

947
00:42:40,928 --> 00:42:42,329
Uh, you're not
my two top salesmen.

948
00:42:42,430 --> 00:42:44,098
Check the board.

949
00:42:49,403 --> 00:42:50,371
Okay, so we missed a day

950
00:42:50,471 --> 00:42:51,739
and we fell down
a slot or two. Big deal.

951
00:42:51,839 --> 00:42:54,075
Bid deal? Y'all ain't been
here in two fucking weeks.

952
00:42:54,175 --> 00:42:55,876
-Two fucking weeks?
-Two fucking weeks?

953
00:42:55,976 --> 00:42:57,645
-'Cause we got that wig.
-That's it.

954
00:42:57,745 --> 00:42:59,380
-That's where the time went.
-Yeah.

955
00:42:59,480 --> 00:43:01,282
Y'all fucked up.
So guess what?

956
00:43:01,382 --> 00:43:03,184
Because y'all haven't been
making me no money,

957
00:43:03,284 --> 00:43:04,251
y'all are dead to me.

958
00:43:04,351 --> 00:43:05,554
-What?
-You haven't been selling

959
00:43:05,653 --> 00:43:07,121
any fucking wheels,
any fucking gears,

960
00:43:07,221 --> 00:43:08,689
and y'all damn sure
ain't been selling

961
00:43:08,789 --> 00:43:10,858
no teeny tiny fucking brushes.

962
00:43:10,958 --> 00:43:13,661
Okay. I know we're not
supposed to say this anymore

963
00:43:13,761 --> 00:43:15,530
because it's not
acceptable or whatever,

964
00:43:15,629 --> 00:43:17,731
but you're being a bitch.

965
00:43:17,832 --> 00:43:18,899
Yeah,
and I would say that

966
00:43:18,999 --> 00:43:20,134
the way
you're acting right now

967
00:43:20,234 --> 00:43:21,635
is actually very bitch-y.

968
00:43:21,735 --> 00:43:24,638
Okay, well, I can show
y'all two bitches a bitch.

969
00:43:26,373 --> 00:43:27,641
<i>♪ They say boys'll be boys ♪</i>

970
00:43:27,741 --> 00:43:28,976
<i>♪ Man, what a crock of shit ♪</i>

971
00:43:29,076 --> 00:43:30,512
<i>♪ These men</i>
<i>They hold all the cards ♪</i>

972
00:43:30,611 --> 00:43:31,679
<i>♪ It makes me want to spit ♪</i>

973
00:43:31,779 --> 00:43:32,913
<i>♪ They always</i>
<i>fucking shit up ♪</i>

974
00:43:33,013 --> 00:43:34,348
<i>♪ They're always</i>
<i>making a mess ♪</i>

975
00:43:34,448 --> 00:43:37,051
<i>♪ But I'mma tell you</i>
<i>the secret to my success ♪</i>

976
00:43:37,151 --> 00:43:39,420
<i>♪ Men are all stupid</i>
<i>Weak little boys ♪</i>

977
00:43:39,521 --> 00:43:42,156
<i>♪ They're not very smart</i>
<i>They just make lots of noise ♪</i>

978
00:43:42,256 --> 00:43:43,457
<i>♪ They got their nose</i>
<i>up my ass ♪</i>

979
00:43:43,558 --> 00:43:44,692
<i>♪ They want to be</i>
<i>teacher's pet ♪</i>

980
00:43:44,792 --> 00:43:45,960
<i>♪ And so I keep them</i>
<i>on their toes ♪</i>

981
00:43:46,060 --> 00:43:47,061
<i>♪ And make those</i>
<i>fuckers sweat ♪</i>

982
00:43:47,161 --> 00:43:48,729
<i>-♪ Girls ♪</i>
<i>-♪ Girls ♪</i>

983
00:43:48,829 --> 00:43:50,331
<i>♪ Sit on your throne</i>
<i>and just act like a queen ♪</i>

984
00:43:50,431 --> 00:43:53,134
<i>♪ And these boys will be</i>
<i>dying to kiss the ring ♪</i>

985
00:43:53,234 --> 00:43:55,669
<i>♪ Train them to beg</i>
<i>like the dogs that they are ♪</i>

986
00:43:55,769 --> 00:43:57,705
<i>♪ And you'll find</i>
<i>that it ain't no thing ♪</i>

987
00:43:57,805 --> 00:44:01,142
<i>♪ To out-alpha the alpha ♪</i>

988
00:44:01,242 --> 00:44:02,843
<i>♪ Mm-hmm ♪</i>

989
00:44:02,943 --> 00:44:05,547
<i>-♪ Outfox the fox ♪</i>
<i>-♪ Ah, yeah ♪</i>

990
00:44:05,646 --> 00:44:08,349
<i>♪ Outfox the fox ♪</i>

991
00:44:08,449 --> 00:44:10,818
<i>♪ Outsmart all these dummies ♪</i>

992
00:44:10,918 --> 00:44:13,487
<i>♪ Outsmart all these dummies ♪</i>

993
00:44:13,588 --> 00:44:16,056
<i>♪ Out-fuck all these cocks ♪</i>

994
00:44:16,157 --> 00:44:18,627
<i>♪ Out-fuck all these cocks ♪</i>

995
00:44:18,726 --> 00:44:21,195
<i>♪ They'll cop a feel</i>
<i>or smack yo ass ♪</i>

996
00:44:21,295 --> 00:44:23,797
<i>♪ And then they'll suck</i>
<i>their little thumbs ♪</i>

997
00:44:23,898 --> 00:44:26,800
<i>♪ These boys all want</i>
<i>a kiss from mommy ♪</i>

998
00:44:26,901 --> 00:44:28,836
<i>♪ They're all scummy</i>
<i>sacks of cum ♪</i>

999
00:44:28,936 --> 00:44:31,739
<i>♪ So put your foot</i>
<i>right on they throat ♪</i>

1000
00:44:31,839 --> 00:44:35,309
<i>♪ If they are standing</i>
<i>in your way and just ♪</i>

1001
00:44:35,409 --> 00:44:39,947
<i>♪ Make those fuckers pay ♪</i>

1002
00:44:45,686 --> 00:44:46,987
<i>♪ Stackin' my dollars</i>
<i>Making my coin ♪</i>

1003
00:44:47,087 --> 00:44:48,255
<i>♪ Got drip</i>
<i>in the back of my truck ♪</i>

1004
00:44:48,355 --> 00:44:49,757
<i>♪ Bank vault apartment</i>
<i>Swimming in cash ♪</i>

1005
00:44:49,857 --> 00:44:51,125
<i>♪ Scrooge McFucking McDuck ♪</i>

1006
00:44:51,225 --> 00:44:53,227
<i>♪ I always stay stunnin'</i>
<i>My shit is brand-new ♪</i>

1007
00:44:53,327 --> 00:44:55,462
<i>♪ My tuna is ahi</i>
<i>My beef is Wagyu ♪</i>

1008
00:44:55,564 --> 00:44:57,498
<i>♪ Y'all are just servants</i>
<i>This is my palace ♪</i>

1009
00:44:57,599 --> 00:44:58,832
<i>♪ Built it brick by brick ♪</i>

1010
00:44:58,933 --> 00:45:00,067
<i>♪ So get in a line</i>
<i>Drop on your knees ♪</i>

1011
00:45:00,167 --> 00:45:01,202
<i>♪ And suck my fucking dick ♪</i>

1012
00:45:01,302 --> 00:45:02,604
<i>♪ Then eat my ass</i>
<i>Lick my pussy ♪</i>

1013
00:45:02,703 --> 00:45:03,871
<i>♪ And find my clit ♪</i>

1014
00:45:03,971 --> 00:45:05,072
<i>♪ Just keep on fucking</i>
<i>I'm not done ♪</i>

1015
00:45:05,172 --> 00:45:06,340
<i>♪ I'll tell you when to quit ♪</i>

1016
00:45:06,440 --> 00:45:07,576
<i>♪ Hell, yeah, I'm raw ♪</i>

1017
00:45:07,676 --> 00:45:08,876
<i>♪ Bitch, I'm the star ♪</i>

1018
00:45:08,976 --> 00:45:11,212
<i>♪ And yes, I'm real, boy</i>
<i>There's no HR ♪</i>

1019
00:45:11,312 --> 00:45:13,914
<i>♪ I'm the fucking dom</i>
<i>Don't need a fucking man ♪</i>

1020
00:45:14,014 --> 00:45:15,983
<i>♪ And by now</i>
<i>you know my plan ♪</i>

1021
00:45:16,083 --> 00:45:18,653
<i>♪ Out-alpha the alpha ♪</i>

1022
00:45:18,752 --> 00:45:20,821
<i>♪ Out-alpha the alpha ♪</i>

1023
00:45:20,921 --> 00:45:23,123
<i>♪ Out-screw the cock ♪</i>

1024
00:45:23,224 --> 00:45:26,528
<i>♪ Yeah, out-screw</i>
<i>these cocks ♪</i>

1025
00:45:26,628 --> 00:45:28,663
<i>♪ Outplay all these losers ♪</i>

1026
00:45:28,762 --> 00:45:31,666
<i>♪ Outplay all these losers ♪</i>

1027
00:45:31,765 --> 00:45:34,401
<i>♪ Out-juice all these nuts ♪</i>

1028
00:45:34,501 --> 00:45:37,672
<i>♪ Out-juice all these nuts ♪</i>

1029
00:45:37,771 --> 00:45:40,107
<i>♪ These baby boys</i>
<i>can't keep the pace ♪</i>

1030
00:45:40,207 --> 00:45:42,743
<i>♪ They're all</i>
<i>so fucking slow ♪</i>

1031
00:45:42,843 --> 00:45:45,680
<i>♪ They love acting like</i>
<i>they run the place ♪</i>

1032
00:45:45,779 --> 00:45:48,082
<i>♪ But I'm the CEO ♪</i>

1033
00:45:48,182 --> 00:45:50,685
<i>♪ These men are</i>
<i>fucking dinosaurs ♪</i>

1034
00:45:50,784 --> 00:45:53,087
<i>♪ About to be destroyed ♪</i>

1035
00:45:53,187 --> 00:45:57,925
<i>-♪ And I'm the asteroid ♪</i>
<i>-♪ And I'm the asteroid ♪</i>

1036
00:45:58,025 --> 00:46:00,327
<i>♪ They've called me shrill</i>
<i>They've called me slut ♪</i>

1037
00:46:00,427 --> 00:46:02,896
<i>♪ They've called me ice queen</i>
<i>And what's more ♪</i>

1038
00:46:02,997 --> 00:46:05,799
<i>♪ They've called me crazy</i>
<i>Called me loud ♪</i>

1039
00:46:05,899 --> 00:46:09,069
<i>♪ They've called me bitch</i>
<i>and cunt and whore ♪</i>

1040
00:46:09,169 --> 00:46:11,539
<i>♪ Imagine, if you will ♪</i>

1041
00:46:11,640 --> 00:46:14,341
<i>♪ We murdered all the males ♪</i>

1042
00:46:14,441 --> 00:46:16,711
<i>♪ A woman-driven world ♪</i>

1043
00:46:16,810 --> 00:46:19,681
<i>♪ Where equity prevails ♪</i>

1044
00:46:19,780 --> 00:46:22,082
<i>♪ Sadly</i>
<i>That's not how it is ♪</i>

1045
00:46:22,182 --> 00:46:24,318
<i>♪ But don't you get upset ♪</i>

1046
00:46:24,418 --> 00:46:27,154
<i>♪ I'll put those boys</i>
<i>right in their place ♪</i>

1047
00:46:27,254 --> 00:46:28,956
<i>♪ Goddamn, that makes me wet ♪</i>

1048
00:46:32,727 --> 00:46:35,396
Trevor, Craig, you're fired.

1049
00:46:36,864 --> 00:46:38,700
<i>♪ Out-alpha the alpha ♪</i>

1050
00:46:38,799 --> 00:46:41,435
<i>♪ Out-alpha the alpha ♪</i>

1051
00:46:41,536 --> 00:46:43,904
<i>♪ Outfox the fox ♪</i>

1052
00:46:44,004 --> 00:46:46,574
<i>♪ Outfox the fox, ah ♪</i>

1053
00:46:46,675 --> 00:46:48,777
<i>♪ Outsmart all these dummies ♪</i>

1054
00:46:48,876 --> 00:46:51,746
<i>♪ Outsmart all the dummies ♪</i>

1055
00:46:51,845 --> 00:46:54,516
<i>♪ Out-fuck all these cocks ♪</i>

1056
00:46:54,616 --> 00:46:56,884
<i>♪ Out-fuck all these cocks ♪</i>

1057
00:46:56,984 --> 00:46:59,987
<i>♪ Out-alpha the alpha ♪</i>

1058
00:47:00,087 --> 00:47:02,590
<i>♪ Out-alpha the alpha</i>
<i>Out-alpha the alpha ♪</i>

1059
00:47:02,691 --> 00:47:04,825
<i>♪ Out-alpha the alpha ♪</i>

1060
00:47:04,925 --> 00:47:07,762
<i>♪ Ah ♪</i>

1061
00:47:10,532 --> 00:47:12,466
Bitch, that was fun.

1062
00:47:12,567 --> 00:47:14,803
Okay, now, back to the story.

1063
00:47:30,050 --> 00:47:31,485
You know,
fuck that fucking job.

1064
00:47:31,586 --> 00:47:33,854
-Who needs that fucking job?
-Shh!

1065
00:47:33,954 --> 00:47:35,724
-Ugh.
-Rude.

1066
00:47:35,824 --> 00:47:38,359
-Oh! Look, look, look.
-Oh, oh.

1067
00:47:39,026 --> 00:47:41,596
Excuse me.
Excuse me, ma'am.

1068
00:47:44,632 --> 00:47:45,866
M-Ma'am?

1069
00:48:04,284 --> 00:48:06,987
Ugh. Ugh.

1070
00:48:12,993 --> 00:48:15,028
Well, this is ridiculous.

1071
00:48:15,129 --> 00:48:16,397
I don't see him anywhere.

1072
00:48:16,497 --> 00:48:18,999
I'm just going to go
right back ho...

1073
00:48:19,534 --> 00:48:22,069
-Evelyn?
-Harris?

1074
00:48:22,169 --> 00:48:24,138
What are you doing here?

1075
00:48:24,238 --> 00:48:25,840
I'm having
a romantic dinner...

1076
00:48:25,939 --> 00:48:27,040
-...with Trevor.
-...with Craig.

1077
00:48:27,141 --> 00:48:29,476
Oh, my God.

1078
00:48:29,577 --> 00:48:30,745
The twins.

1079
00:48:30,845 --> 00:48:33,013
The twins must have
found one another,

1080
00:48:33,113 --> 00:48:35,416
switched places to meet
the parent they never knew

1081
00:48:35,517 --> 00:48:38,452
and then tricked us into
coming here and reuniting.

1082
00:48:38,986 --> 00:48:40,522
Those rascals.

1083
00:48:40,622 --> 00:48:42,690
Well, I'm flummoxed.

1084
00:48:42,791 --> 00:48:44,458
I'm dumbfounded.

1085
00:48:44,559 --> 00:48:47,127
Those were always
two of your best qualities.

1086
00:48:47,227 --> 00:48:50,297
Oh, Harris.

1087
00:48:50,397 --> 00:48:53,635
My God, Evelyn.
How long has it been?

1088
00:48:53,735 --> 00:48:56,638
260 years.

1089
00:48:56,738 --> 00:49:01,375
It's been 260 years
since we last saw one another?

1090
00:49:01,475 --> 00:49:04,945
Oh, I thought you meant since
the French and Indian War.

1091
00:49:05,045 --> 00:49:08,215
Oh, I have no idea how long
it's been since we...

1092
00:49:09,283 --> 00:49:10,919
split up.

1093
00:49:11,018 --> 00:49:14,622
Yes, well, at any rate,
it's been a long time.

1094
00:49:15,155 --> 00:49:18,125
Yes. Yes, it has.

1095
00:49:19,761 --> 00:49:21,094
<i>Garcon?</i>

1096
00:49:22,062 --> 00:49:24,998
<i>-Garcon?</i>
-Yes, madame?

1097
00:49:25,098 --> 00:49:27,401
Um, my apologies, but, uh,

1098
00:49:27,501 --> 00:49:30,237
we're actually going to have
to cancel our reservation.

1099
00:49:30,337 --> 00:49:32,807
Yes, there's been a mistake.

1100
00:49:32,907 --> 00:49:34,174
-Oh, ooh.
-Oh, oh.

1101
00:49:34,274 --> 00:49:36,009
Ah, but I hear that this wine

1102
00:49:36,109 --> 00:49:38,045
will be of particular interest
to you both.

1103
00:49:38,145 --> 00:49:41,148
It's a 1970 Domaine Leroy,
like you had

1104
00:49:41,248 --> 00:49:42,584
-on your honeymoon.
-Like we had on our honeymoon.

1105
00:49:42,684 --> 00:49:44,953
And it's in a bottle.

1106
00:49:45,052 --> 00:49:48,088
Well, it is a very nice wine.

1107
00:49:48,790 --> 00:49:51,058
And it is free, after all.

1108
00:49:51,158 --> 00:49:53,761
-It's not. Enjoy.
-Mmm.

1109
00:49:55,830 --> 00:49:57,197
A toast,

1110
00:49:57,297 --> 00:49:59,500
to our clever, stubborn boys.

1111
00:49:59,601 --> 00:50:02,804
They are the one thing
we got mostly right.

1112
00:50:02,904 --> 00:50:05,138
Mostly.

1113
00:50:06,741 --> 00:50:09,711
And... dissolve.

1114
00:50:09,811 --> 00:50:12,145
-Mmm.
-God, I've missed this.

1115
00:50:12,246 --> 00:50:14,582
And I haven't even thought
about the Sewer Boys once.

1116
00:50:14,682 --> 00:50:18,720
Those fucking things
are still alive? Ugh.

1117
00:50:18,820 --> 00:50:21,121
God, how old are they now?

1118
00:50:21,221 --> 00:50:22,489
They're younger, actually.

1119
00:50:22,590 --> 00:50:25,527
They operate outside
of linear time.

1120
00:50:25,627 --> 00:50:28,028
Sure. I'm familiar.

1121
00:50:29,664 --> 00:50:32,667
What went wrong
between us, Evelyn,

1122
00:50:32,767 --> 00:50:34,401
all those many moons ago?

1123
00:50:34,501 --> 00:50:37,572
Oh, what goes wrong
with any couple?

1124
00:50:37,672 --> 00:50:39,774
We were young and foolish.

1125
00:50:39,874 --> 00:50:42,075
-We drifted apart.
-Hmm.

1126
00:50:42,175 --> 00:50:44,244
And you did start fucking men.

1127
00:50:45,045 --> 00:50:47,247
All the time, fucking men.

1128
00:50:48,883 --> 00:50:51,619
There are always little clues
that a person might be gay.

1129
00:50:51,719 --> 00:50:54,822
Well, it hardly matters now,
since my pussy fell off.

1130
00:50:54,923 --> 00:50:56,758
Yes, it hardly matters now.

1131
00:50:58,860 --> 00:51:00,360
I'm sorry, what?

1132
00:51:01,128 --> 00:51:02,429
Delicious.

1133
00:51:04,766 --> 00:51:06,099
Hmm.

1134
00:51:06,199 --> 00:51:07,802
Evelyn, is something
the matter?

1135
00:51:09,037 --> 00:51:11,271
Oh, you're choking. Oh!

1136
00:51:11,371 --> 00:51:12,172
Yes.

1137
00:51:17,045 --> 00:51:17,979
Hmm?

1138
00:51:18,078 --> 00:51:20,247
Oh. Harris?

1139
00:51:20,615 --> 00:51:21,716
Yes?

1140
00:51:21,816 --> 00:51:23,551
You're still holding onto me.

1141
00:51:23,651 --> 00:51:25,987
-Oh, I'm sorry.
-Oh, no, no. It's fine.

1142
00:51:26,086 --> 00:51:27,220
-It's...
-Oh.

1143
00:51:27,321 --> 00:51:28,957
It's more than fine.

1144
00:51:33,795 --> 00:51:35,429
What are we even doing?

1145
00:51:35,530 --> 00:51:36,564
I'm not sure.

1146
00:51:38,600 --> 00:51:40,133
Aren't you gay?

1147
00:51:40,233 --> 00:51:42,102
I-I don't know.
It's like I'm...

1148
00:51:42,202 --> 00:51:44,471
I'm attracted
to both men and women.

1149
00:51:44,572 --> 00:51:48,108
Huh. Well, now I have
heard everything.

1150
00:51:48,208 --> 00:51:51,980
But, uh, also,
and correct me if I'm wrong,

1151
00:51:52,080 --> 00:51:56,149
but, uh, didn't you just
say that your...

1152
00:51:58,052 --> 00:51:59,319
...pussy fell off?

1153
00:51:59,419 --> 00:52:03,323
Yes. Trevor had to kill it
with a flip-flop in Greece.

1154
00:52:03,423 --> 00:52:07,528
But what he doesn't know is,
I went back afterward,

1155
00:52:07,629 --> 00:52:11,065
scooped it up and put it
into a plastic bag,

1156
00:52:11,164 --> 00:52:14,736
and now I always
carry it with me

1157
00:52:14,836 --> 00:52:17,038
so that I feel like a woman.

1158
00:52:17,137 --> 00:52:19,306
Well, now
I've heard everything.

1159
00:52:19,406 --> 00:52:21,408
Oh, my God.

1160
00:52:21,509 --> 00:52:23,410
Well, that was unexpected.

1161
00:52:24,478 --> 00:52:26,848
-Uh, oh. Oh, I'm sorry.
-Oh.

1162
00:52:26,948 --> 00:52:28,215
These are yours,
those are mine.

1163
00:52:28,315 --> 00:52:29,684
I'm so embarrassed. Yes.

1164
00:52:29,784 --> 00:52:32,319
Yes.

1165
00:52:32,954 --> 00:52:34,022
Oh, my God.

1166
00:52:36,824 --> 00:52:37,792
So...

1167
00:52:39,292 --> 00:52:41,361
we can be together.

1168
00:52:41,461 --> 00:52:44,699
Why, yes. Yes, we can.

1169
00:52:53,041 --> 00:52:55,843
<i>♪ I thought these feelings ♪</i>

1170
00:52:55,943 --> 00:52:58,178
<i>♪ All had died ♪</i>

1171
00:52:58,278 --> 00:53:01,381
<i>♪ But now you're here ♪</i>

1172
00:53:01,481 --> 00:53:05,252
<i>♪ And now I find ♪</i>

1173
00:53:05,352 --> 00:53:10,290
<i>♪ I've missed you very much ♪</i>

1174
00:53:12,426 --> 00:53:17,330
<i>♪ I've missed your hair</i>
<i>Your eyes, your face ♪</i>

1175
00:53:17,431 --> 00:53:20,134
<i>♪ But now you're here ♪</i>

1176
00:53:20,233 --> 00:53:22,302
<i>♪ And now I yearn ♪</i>

1177
00:53:22,402 --> 00:53:27,909
<i>♪ For a tender lover's ♪</i>

1178
00:53:28,009 --> 00:53:30,210
<i>♪ Touch ♪</i>

1179
00:53:31,445 --> 00:53:32,980
-Wow.
-Wow.

1180
00:53:38,986 --> 00:53:42,322
<i>♪ I feel the beat, beat, beat</i>
<i>of your thumping heart ♪</i>

1181
00:53:42,422 --> 00:53:43,958
<i>♪ It's just my body</i>
<i>telling you ♪</i>

1182
00:53:44,058 --> 00:53:45,358
<i>♪ I'm ready to start ♪</i>

1183
00:53:45,459 --> 00:53:48,196
<i>♪ Well, let's do it now</i>
<i>because I'm ready to go ♪</i>

1184
00:53:48,295 --> 00:53:49,597
<i>♪ You know I like it rough ♪</i>

1185
00:53:49,697 --> 00:53:51,431
<i>♪ So don't you take it slow ♪</i>

1186
00:53:51,532 --> 00:53:54,535
<i>♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪</i>

1187
00:53:54,635 --> 00:53:56,170
<i>♪ I'm desperate</i>
<i>for your dick ♪</i>

1188
00:53:56,269 --> 00:53:57,939
<i>♪ Desperate for your pussy ♪</i>

1189
00:53:58,039 --> 00:53:59,239
<i>♪ Hungry for your dick ♪</i>

1190
00:53:59,339 --> 00:54:01,374
<i>♪ Give me</i>
<i>Give me that pussy ♪</i>

1191
00:54:01,475 --> 00:54:04,545
<i>♪ I got the taste, taste</i>
<i>taste of you on my tongue ♪</i>

1192
00:54:04,645 --> 00:54:07,648
<i>♪ I want to get real wild</i>
<i>like when we were young ♪</i>

1193
00:54:07,749 --> 00:54:10,852
<i>♪ Well, let's do it now</i>
<i>because I'm ready to go ♪</i>

1194
00:54:10,952 --> 00:54:14,188
<i>♪ Roll over here, baby</i>
<i>'Cause I'm fixing to blow ♪</i>

1195
00:54:14,287 --> 00:54:17,390
<i>♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪</i>

1196
00:54:17,491 --> 00:54:19,060
<i>♪ I'm desperate</i>
<i>for your snatch ♪</i>

1197
00:54:19,160 --> 00:54:20,962
<i>♪ I'm desperate</i>
<i>for your cock ♪</i>

1198
00:54:21,062 --> 00:54:22,163
<i>♪ I want vagina ♪</i>

1199
00:54:22,262 --> 00:54:24,832
<i>♪ I'm talking about penis ♪</i>

1200
00:54:40,347 --> 00:54:43,050
<i>♪ I'm desperate ♪</i>

1201
00:54:43,151 --> 00:54:48,055
<i>♪ For your love ♪</i>

1202
00:54:48,156 --> 00:54:49,857
<i>♪ Desperate for your love ♪</i>

1203
00:54:56,429 --> 00:54:57,965
And stay out.

1204
00:54:58,065 --> 00:55:01,235
Oh, I had a cape. Ugh.

1205
00:55:01,334 --> 00:55:03,470
<i>♪ We did it, we did it ♪</i>

1206
00:55:03,571 --> 00:55:04,539
<i>♪ We did it ♪</i>

1207
00:55:04,639 --> 00:55:05,673
Harris, we're being mugged.

1208
00:55:05,773 --> 00:55:07,141
-We're gonna die.
-No, no.

1209
00:55:07,241 --> 00:55:08,676
-No, darling.
-Huh? What?

1210
00:55:08,776 --> 00:55:10,178
It-it's our boys.

1211
00:55:10,278 --> 00:55:11,411
Oh, my God!

1212
00:55:11,512 --> 00:55:13,380
-It's so good to see you.
-Oh, yay.

1213
00:55:13,480 --> 00:55:15,983
To see you both together.

1214
00:55:16,083 --> 00:55:18,485
Now, why'd you switch places?

1215
00:55:18,586 --> 00:55:20,555
I guess we thought,
since you gave us up,

1216
00:55:20,655 --> 00:55:22,290
-maybe it meant you...
-Hated us.

1217
00:55:22,389 --> 00:55:24,525
Hated you? No.

1218
00:55:24,625 --> 00:55:26,359
We hardly even knew you.

1219
00:55:26,459 --> 00:55:29,664
We drew straws at the hospital
and each took a kid.

1220
00:55:31,165 --> 00:55:33,067
I just can't get over it.

1221
00:55:33,167 --> 00:55:34,936
All of us, reunited.

1222
00:55:35,036 --> 00:55:36,436
It's just like we planned.

1223
00:55:36,537 --> 00:55:38,873
And now that you're
back in love again,

1224
00:55:38,973 --> 00:55:40,875
you're gonna get married!

1225
00:55:40,975 --> 00:55:41,709
-What?
-What?

1226
00:55:41,809 --> 00:55:43,343
Get married! And when you do,

1227
00:55:43,443 --> 00:55:44,612
do you think you'll change
your last names?

1228
00:55:44,712 --> 00:55:46,346
Oh! Should we change
our last names?

1229
00:55:46,446 --> 00:55:48,216
-No, wait.
-We can all live together.

1230
00:55:48,316 --> 00:55:49,416
Then every day
would be like Christmas.

1231
00:55:49,517 --> 00:55:51,152
-Yes.
-Unless we're Jewish,

1232
00:55:51,252 --> 00:55:53,353
then every day
would be like Easter.

1233
00:55:53,453 --> 00:55:57,325
Boys, boys, please, I mean,
Craig, I just met you.

1234
00:55:57,457 --> 00:55:59,927
-I'm Trevor.
-Exactly. And I'm gay.

1235
00:56:00,027 --> 00:56:02,163
Yeah, but you just had hot,
awesome sex with Mom,

1236
00:56:02,263 --> 00:56:03,764
so now maybe you're straight.

1237
00:56:03,865 --> 00:56:06,033
It's clear that we were both
just longing

1238
00:56:06,133 --> 00:56:07,568
for some physical touch.

1239
00:56:07,668 --> 00:56:09,337
We were fucking horny.

1240
00:56:09,436 --> 00:56:13,207
Right, exactly,
but our marriage didn't work.

1241
00:56:13,307 --> 00:56:15,209
And I'm an independent woman.

1242
00:56:15,309 --> 00:56:19,847
I do not like
when people live with...

1243
00:56:27,355 --> 00:56:28,723
me.

1244
00:56:28,823 --> 00:56:33,294
And I-I feel like maybe I
haven't stressed this enough,

1245
00:56:33,393 --> 00:56:34,896
I do fuck men.

1246
00:56:34,996 --> 00:56:37,598
Not as often as I'd like,
but whenever I get the chance.

1247
00:56:37,698 --> 00:56:39,867
Boys, listen now.

1248
00:56:39,967 --> 00:56:41,736
We love you, but...

1249
00:56:42,236 --> 00:56:48,576
we will never...

1250
00:56:49,610 --> 00:56:51,612
get married again.

1251
00:56:54,081 --> 00:56:56,416
This is stupid!

1252
00:56:56,517 --> 00:56:59,120
I hate you!
And I hate both of you!

1253
00:56:59,220 --> 00:57:00,321
We lost everything

1254
00:57:00,420 --> 00:57:01,756
-because of you.
-No.

1255
00:57:01,856 --> 00:57:03,557
Now we don't even have
a family?

1256
00:57:03,658 --> 00:57:05,693
We can still be a family,

1257
00:57:05,793 --> 00:57:08,095
even if your mother and I
aren't together.

1258
00:57:08,195 --> 00:57:09,964
No, not the kind we wanted.

1259
00:57:10,064 --> 00:57:12,733
You split us up
when we were babies.

1260
00:57:12,833 --> 00:57:15,169
I mean, that's fucking psycho!

1261
00:57:15,269 --> 00:57:16,871
Boys, we didn't realize

1262
00:57:16,971 --> 00:57:18,973
that being lied to
your entire lives

1263
00:57:19,073 --> 00:57:20,675
would upset you this much.

1264
00:57:20,775 --> 00:57:23,411
But at least
we have each other now.

1265
00:57:23,511 --> 00:57:24,946
-No, no, no, no, no.
-No, no, no, no. No, Dad.

1266
00:57:25,046 --> 00:57:26,681
-Yay! Yay!
-No. No, Mommy.

1267
00:57:26,781 --> 00:57:28,683
-Yay. Yay.
-No, Mommy.

1268
00:57:28,783 --> 00:57:30,985
-No. No.
-Stop it. Stop it.

1269
00:57:32,320 --> 00:57:33,888
-Yay.
-No.

1270
00:57:35,589 --> 00:57:36,557
Come on, Craig.

1271
00:57:36,657 --> 00:57:37,825
-Trevor.
-Trevor.

1272
00:57:38,491 --> 00:57:40,027
Let's go.

1273
00:57:40,127 --> 00:57:41,762
-Yeah.
-Ugh.

1274
00:57:41,862 --> 00:57:43,998
Don't. Don't leave like this.

1275
00:57:44,932 --> 00:57:45,967
Oh...

1276
00:57:47,467 --> 00:57:49,704
Which one is which?

1277
00:57:50,470 --> 00:57:51,672
We can still fix this.

1278
00:57:51,772 --> 00:57:53,207
We just need to get
Mom and Dad to...

1279
00:57:53,307 --> 00:57:54,709
No, Trevor, just-- No.

1280
00:57:54,809 --> 00:57:56,577
-You don't mean that.
-I do.

1281
00:57:56,677 --> 00:57:59,847
I-I mean no,
and no means no this time.

1282
00:57:59,947 --> 00:58:02,149
I'm done, okay?
This is done.

1283
00:58:02,249 --> 00:58:03,417
What are you saying?

1284
00:58:03,517 --> 00:58:05,519
I-I don't know
what I'm saying.

1285
00:58:05,619 --> 00:58:07,989
I've never felt
this way before.

1286
00:58:08,089 --> 00:58:10,191
Usually when I want something,
I get it.

1287
00:58:10,291 --> 00:58:12,893
In fact, it almost feels like
society and all its systems

1288
00:58:12,994 --> 00:58:15,463
were built so that a man
who looks like me can succeed.

1289
00:58:15,563 --> 00:58:18,332
And so, now to want something
and not get it,

1290
00:58:18,432 --> 00:58:20,735
it-it makes me feel... feel...

1291
00:58:20,835 --> 00:58:22,803
-Feel what, Craig? What?
-Feelings!

1292
00:58:22,903 --> 00:58:25,573
Bad ones! And I want to
make them go away!

1293
00:58:25,673 --> 00:58:28,009
-This is just like you.
-Excuse me?

1294
00:58:28,109 --> 00:58:30,444
To give up.
I bet you give up
on your boner

1295
00:58:30,544 --> 00:58:31,712
before it's even fully hard.

1296
00:58:31,812 --> 00:58:34,015
Fuck you. I have never
given up on a semi.

1297
00:58:34,115 --> 00:58:35,750
My doctors say
I am medically horny.

1298
00:58:35,850 --> 00:58:38,452
I never lost anything
until you showed up.

1299
00:58:38,552 --> 00:58:40,054
You ruined my life!

1300
00:58:40,154 --> 00:58:41,622
You ruined mine, okay?

1301
00:58:41,722 --> 00:58:42,990
I knew this wouldn't work!

1302
00:58:43,090 --> 00:58:45,793
It would still work if you
weren't a fucking quitter.

1303
00:58:45,893 --> 00:58:48,562
We didn't quit. We failed!

1304
00:58:51,966 --> 00:58:53,067
Well, if that's how
you feel about it,

1305
00:58:53,167 --> 00:58:54,869
then I guess there's nothing
left to say.

1306
00:58:54,969 --> 00:58:56,470
I guess not.

1307
00:58:56,570 --> 00:58:58,039
Goodbye forever, Craig.

1308
00:58:58,139 --> 00:58:59,840
Goodbye to you, too.

1309
00:58:59,940 --> 00:59:01,409
For forever.

1310
00:59:15,289 --> 00:59:16,424
Wait, you...

1311
00:59:16,525 --> 00:59:18,259
You've lived next to me
this entire time?

1312
00:59:18,359 --> 00:59:19,794
I guess so.

1313
00:59:20,694 --> 00:59:22,129
That's weird.

1314
00:59:22,630 --> 00:59:24,065
Yeah.

1315
00:59:24,165 --> 00:59:25,166
That is weird.

1316
00:59:31,806 --> 00:59:37,344
<i>♪ No one understands</i>
<i>what I've been through ♪</i>

1317
00:59:39,880 --> 00:59:45,920
<i>♪ No one knows</i>
<i>what it's like to be ♪</i>

1318
00:59:46,921 --> 00:59:51,158
<i>♪ I just lost</i>
<i>my brother twin ♪</i>

1319
00:59:54,628 --> 00:59:59,166
<i>♪ Who also was</i>
<i>my only friend ♪</i>

1320
01:00:02,069 --> 01:00:07,274
<i>♪ The only one</i>
<i>who understands ♪</i>

1321
01:00:09,710 --> 01:00:11,045
<i>♪ Is... ♪</i>

1322
01:00:28,195 --> 01:00:29,497
Jesus, Craig.

1323
01:00:29,598 --> 01:00:31,065
You look like shit.

1324
01:00:31,165 --> 01:00:32,700
I'm fine. Can it.

1325
01:00:32,800 --> 01:00:34,536
Hey, that's my job.

1326
01:00:34,635 --> 01:00:35,636
Shut up.

1327
01:00:35,736 --> 01:00:36,737
No, you shut up.

1328
01:00:36,837 --> 01:00:38,139
You know what?

1329
01:00:38,239 --> 01:00:39,940
Actually, fuck off.

1330
01:00:40,875 --> 01:00:42,843
Get the fuck out of here!

1331
01:00:47,982 --> 01:00:50,017
Oh, hey, hey.
Can I bum one of those?

1332
01:00:50,117 --> 01:00:52,019
Man, I already gave you
a whole pack.

1333
01:00:52,119 --> 01:00:54,421
Aren't you supposed to be
some sort of hung hotshot?

1334
01:00:54,523 --> 01:00:55,956
He was once.

1335
01:00:56,690 --> 01:00:58,225
But he got fired.

1336
01:00:58,325 --> 01:00:59,594
And I heard

1337
01:00:59,693 --> 01:01:01,762
that while his penis is large,

1338
01:01:01,862 --> 01:01:03,931
it's only slightly
above average.

1339
01:01:05,499 --> 01:01:07,636
No. That's not true.

1340
01:01:07,735 --> 01:01:09,436
It's very large!

1341
01:01:10,204 --> 01:01:11,372
Come back!

1342
01:01:13,774 --> 01:01:15,176
-Harris.
-Hmm?

1343
01:01:16,277 --> 01:01:17,978
I'm worried.

1344
01:01:18,679 --> 01:01:19,713
About us?

1345
01:01:19,813 --> 01:01:21,215
No, not about us.

1346
01:01:21,315 --> 01:01:23,884
We'll be friends,
and sometimes we'll fuck.

1347
01:01:23,984 --> 01:01:26,854
Okay, yes, same page,
precisely.

1348
01:01:26,954 --> 01:01:30,257
I was talking about the boys.

1349
01:01:30,357 --> 01:01:31,325
Oh, them.

1350
01:01:31,425 --> 01:01:33,160
What are we going to do?

1351
01:01:33,894 --> 01:01:35,029
I don't know.

1352
01:01:35,129 --> 01:01:36,764
Should we drown them
in the bathtub

1353
01:01:36,864 --> 01:01:38,766
in the old-fashioned way?

1354
01:01:41,468 --> 01:01:42,836
<i>They didn't drown them.</i>

1355
01:01:42,937 --> 01:01:45,039
They kidnapped them.

1356
01:01:48,275 --> 01:01:49,743
Surprise!

1357
01:01:49,843 --> 01:01:52,246
Mom? Dad? What the fuck?

1358
01:01:52,346 --> 01:01:54,982
-And where's my beard?
-Where's my beard?

1359
01:01:55,082 --> 01:01:56,450
Those beards
were fucking awesome.

1360
01:01:56,551 --> 01:01:57,586
Yes.

1361
01:01:57,686 --> 01:01:59,753
-No, they were fake.
-And shitty looking.

1362
01:01:59,853 --> 01:02:01,155
Exactly.

1363
01:02:01,255 --> 01:02:04,526
Boys, we see now that
splitting you up at birth

1364
01:02:04,626 --> 01:02:06,093
was borderline abusive,

1365
01:02:06,827 --> 01:02:08,796
but parenting's hard.

1366
01:02:08,896 --> 01:02:11,865
Everyone makes mistakes,
right?

1367
01:02:11,966 --> 01:02:14,768
That's it?
That's why you kidnapped us?

1368
01:02:14,868 --> 01:02:17,972
Oh, can you even kidnap
an adult?

1369
01:02:18,072 --> 01:02:20,040
-Yes.
-Listen,

1370
01:02:20,140 --> 01:02:21,942
we didn't want
to be kidnapped, all right?

1371
01:02:22,042 --> 01:02:23,811
-We wanted you to apologize.
-Right.

1372
01:02:23,911 --> 01:02:25,813
We are apologizing.

1373
01:02:25,913 --> 01:02:28,115
We're sorry that
you're mad at us,

1374
01:02:28,215 --> 01:02:30,184
and we'd rather
that you not be.

1375
01:02:30,284 --> 01:02:32,786
You know what? We would love
to not be mad at you,

1376
01:02:32,886 --> 01:02:36,357
if you would just do
what we want and get married.

1377
01:02:36,457 --> 01:02:39,226
Oh, eat me. Not again.

1378
01:02:39,326 --> 01:02:42,530
You two really are stubborn.

1379
01:02:42,631 --> 01:02:43,764
You two are stubborn.

1380
01:02:43,864 --> 01:02:44,898
Uh-oh, dinnertime.

1381
01:02:44,999 --> 01:02:46,767
-Why won't you change for us?
-Yes.

1382
01:02:46,867 --> 01:02:50,337
I don't even know
what there is to change.

1383
01:02:51,372 --> 01:02:53,340
This, Dad. Change this.

1384
01:02:53,440 --> 01:02:56,277
Oh! Now you've upset them.

1385
01:02:56,377 --> 01:02:58,178
-Oh.
-Oh. Careful.

1386
01:02:58,279 --> 01:02:59,880
They don't like
sudden movements.

1387
01:02:59,980 --> 01:03:01,415
-Ugh.
-Oh!

1388
01:03:01,516 --> 01:03:02,717
Oh!

1389
01:03:02,816 --> 01:03:05,152
Oh, they're out. They're out.
Ew, ew, ew!

1390
01:03:05,252 --> 01:03:08,822
Motherfucker!

1391
01:03:08,922 --> 01:03:11,726
Shut up!

1392
01:03:11,859 --> 01:03:14,428
Backpack. Whisper.
Dear God, no!

1393
01:03:16,598 --> 01:03:18,165
Sewer Boys.

1394
01:03:18,533 --> 01:03:20,267
My Sewer Boys.

1395
01:03:22,303 --> 01:03:25,306
They've returned
to the slimy depths

1396
01:03:25,406 --> 01:03:27,107
from whence they came.

1397
01:03:31,680 --> 01:03:32,946
They've gone down the pipes.

1398
01:03:33,047 --> 01:03:35,282
-Oh.
-Back into the sewers.

1399
01:03:35,382 --> 01:03:36,216
I have to go after them.

1400
01:03:36,317 --> 01:03:37,652
Go after them?

1401
01:03:37,752 --> 01:03:39,853
But he's, like,
40 years old, I bet.

1402
01:03:39,953 --> 01:03:41,922
What do we all
think of this cape?

1403
01:03:42,022 --> 01:03:43,490
I know,

1404
01:03:43,591 --> 01:03:46,695
it's too drab. I'm gonna go
with the Valentino.

1405
01:03:46,795 --> 01:03:49,830
Are you sure
this is a good idea?

1406
01:03:49,930 --> 01:03:51,733
Sure as schadenfreude.

1407
01:03:51,832 --> 01:03:53,233
I'm going in.

1408
01:03:53,334 --> 01:03:57,605
A sometimes-gay man
all alone in the sewers?

1409
01:03:57,706 --> 01:04:00,207
Seems dangerous.

1410
01:04:00,307 --> 01:04:01,342
It is,

1411
01:04:02,109 --> 01:04:04,378
but those Sewer Boys,

1412
01:04:04,478 --> 01:04:06,013
they're my whole life.

1413
01:04:08,415 --> 01:04:09,751
<i>Au revoir,</i> my dear.

1414
01:04:09,850 --> 01:04:11,985
Oh, oh.

1415
01:04:13,954 --> 01:04:16,624
Goddamn it.

1416
01:04:16,725 --> 01:04:19,259
I just got these pants.

1417
01:04:20,127 --> 01:04:21,796
Come on, Mom,
let's get you home.

1418
01:04:21,895 --> 01:04:22,963
But Harris is all alone and...

1419
01:04:23,063 --> 01:04:24,231
Oh, fuck him.

1420
01:04:24,331 --> 01:04:25,966
And what do you care?
Don't you have to go back

1421
01:04:26,066 --> 01:04:28,068
to shutting out
the entire world?

1422
01:04:29,704 --> 01:04:32,640
<i>♪ I'm 93 ♪</i>

1423
01:04:32,741 --> 01:04:35,810
<i>♪ No, 94 ♪</i>

1424
01:04:35,909 --> 01:04:39,046
<i>♪ That's not so bad ♪</i>

1425
01:04:39,146 --> 01:04:42,483
<i>♪ I do want ♪</i>

1426
01:04:42,584 --> 01:04:45,587
<i>♪ More ♪</i>

1427
01:05:04,739 --> 01:05:08,275
I'm coming, Harris!

1428
01:05:08,375 --> 01:05:10,244
What the fuck?

1429
01:05:10,344 --> 01:05:11,679
Jesus Christ.

1430
01:05:11,780 --> 01:05:14,448
Ugh. We're not going
in there, right?

1431
01:05:14,549 --> 01:05:16,316
No fucking way.

1432
01:05:19,953 --> 01:05:21,922
-I'm gonna go in.
-Okay, then me, too.

1433
01:05:22,022 --> 01:05:24,458
Whee!

1434
01:05:32,567 --> 01:05:34,368
<i>♪ I must run ♪</i>

1435
01:05:34,468 --> 01:05:36,303
<i>♪ To my boys ♪</i>

1436
01:05:36,403 --> 01:05:39,306
<i>♪ I must go</i>
<i>I must run to my boys ♪</i>

1437
01:05:39,406 --> 01:05:40,675
Dad!

1438
01:05:40,775 --> 01:05:42,544
<i>♪ My God, they came ♪</i>

1439
01:05:42,644 --> 01:05:44,478
<i>♪ Could it be that</i>
<i>I was wrong? ♪</i>

1440
01:05:45,680 --> 01:05:48,949
<i>♪ Was I running</i>
<i>from my family all along? ♪</i>

1441
01:05:54,121 --> 01:05:55,890
<i>♪ Harris is so brave ♪</i>

1442
01:05:55,989 --> 01:05:57,926
<i>♪ The boys each found</i>
<i>their twin ♪</i>

1443
01:05:58,058 --> 01:06:00,060
<i>♪ These men have charged</i>
<i>back in my life ♪</i>

1444
01:06:00,160 --> 01:06:02,429
<i>♪ And changed it from within ♪</i>

1445
01:06:02,530 --> 01:06:04,465
<i>♪ Up is down ♪</i>

1446
01:06:04,566 --> 01:06:06,668
<i>♪ Left is right ♪</i>

1447
01:06:06,768 --> 01:06:09,604
<i>♪ And even underground ♪</i>

1448
01:06:09,704 --> 01:06:12,406
<i>♪ My world feels bright ♪</i>

1449
01:06:16,678 --> 01:06:18,278
<i>♪ I'm sorry we fought ♪</i>

1450
01:06:18,378 --> 01:06:20,582
<i>♪ Oh, my God, dude, me, too ♪</i>

1451
01:06:20,682 --> 01:06:24,752
<i>♪ My life's so much better</i>
<i>when I am with you ♪</i>

1452
01:06:24,853 --> 01:06:26,754
<i>♪ It's not what I wanted ♪</i>

1453
01:06:26,855 --> 01:06:28,923
<i>♪ And yet, could it be? ♪</i>

1454
01:06:29,022 --> 01:06:32,392
<i>♪ Do we have a family? ♪</i>

1455
01:06:37,599 --> 01:06:38,867
<i>♪ I must run ♪</i>

1456
01:06:38,967 --> 01:06:40,768
<i>-♪ Harris is so brave ♪</i>
<i>-♪ You're so fucking awesome ♪</i>

1457
01:06:40,869 --> 01:06:44,572
<i>-♪ Dude, you're awesome, too ♪</i>
<i>-♪ My life's so much better ♪</i>

1458
01:06:44,672 --> 01:06:46,273
<i>-♪ When I am with you ♪</i>
<i>-♪ These men ♪</i>

1459
01:06:46,373 --> 01:06:47,742
<i>-♪ Have charged back ♪</i>
<i>-♪ They're here ♪</i>

1460
01:06:47,842 --> 01:06:49,376
<i>-♪ In my life ♪</i>
<i>-♪ I fear that I was wrong ♪</i>

1461
01:06:49,476 --> 01:06:52,780
<i>♪ I've been running</i>
<i>from my family all along ♪</i>

1462
01:06:52,881 --> 01:06:54,549
<i>♪ Do we have a family? ♪</i>

1463
01:06:58,151 --> 01:06:59,954
<i>♪ I can't believe ♪</i>

1464
01:07:00,053 --> 01:07:01,956
<i>♪ We are together ♪</i>

1465
01:07:02,055 --> 01:07:03,357
<i>♪ Underneath the city ♪</i>

1466
01:07:03,457 --> 01:07:05,793
<i>♪ Where it smells like piss ♪</i>

1467
01:07:05,894 --> 01:07:07,662
<i>♪ As a unit ♪</i>

1468
01:07:07,762 --> 01:07:09,998
<i>♪ We are so much better ♪</i>

1469
01:07:10,097 --> 01:07:13,001
<i>♪ I never thought</i>
<i>it would be like this ♪</i>

1470
01:07:13,100 --> 01:07:14,936
<i>♪ Also, it smells like piss ♪</i>

1471
01:07:15,035 --> 01:07:18,071
<i>♪ It smells like piss ♪</i>

1472
01:07:18,171 --> 01:07:19,674
<i>♪ We're all down here together</i>
<i>in the sewer ♪</i>

1473
01:07:19,774 --> 01:07:21,709
<i>♪ And it smells like</i>
<i>fucking piss ♪</i>

1474
01:07:24,646 --> 01:07:25,780
Backpack. Whisper.

1475
01:07:25,880 --> 01:07:28,382
Die, Sewer Boys, die.

1476
01:07:28,482 --> 01:07:29,751
Dear God!

1477
01:07:29,851 --> 01:07:32,587
No!

1478
01:07:32,687 --> 01:07:34,221
No! Oh...

1479
01:07:34,321 --> 01:07:36,724
Die, die, die!

1480
01:07:36,824 --> 01:07:38,191
-Oh! Oh, God.
-Oh!

1481
01:07:38,292 --> 01:07:40,227
Okay. All right,
all right, all right,

1482
01:07:40,327 --> 01:07:41,763
all right, all right.

1483
01:07:43,798 --> 01:07:47,702
Mama's gonna need you
to be brave, baby girl.

1484
01:07:48,770 --> 01:07:50,905
I know, I know,

1485
01:07:51,271 --> 01:07:52,941
but you got this.

1486
01:07:53,041 --> 01:07:54,374
All right.

1487
01:08:07,120 --> 01:08:08,723
Oh!

1488
01:08:13,460 --> 01:08:14,428
Ooh!

1489
01:08:14,529 --> 01:08:15,597
Oh, my God.

1490
01:08:15,697 --> 01:08:19,232
Eat my snatch,
you government piece of shit.

1491
01:08:19,333 --> 01:08:21,301
Are you all right? Oh...

1492
01:08:21,401 --> 01:08:24,271
Jesus, Mom,
your pussy saved the day.

1493
01:08:24,371 --> 01:08:26,074
Backpack. Whisper.

1494
01:08:26,173 --> 01:08:28,408
Oh.

1495
01:08:30,377 --> 01:08:33,081
Wait a minute, are those...

1496
01:08:33,180 --> 01:08:35,182
their parents?

1497
01:08:35,282 --> 01:08:38,385
They're so fake
and shitty looking.

1498
01:08:39,386 --> 01:08:41,823
All right,

1499
01:08:41,923 --> 01:08:42,957
let's grab
the little abortions

1500
01:08:43,057 --> 01:08:44,324
and get the fuck out of here.

1501
01:08:47,528 --> 01:08:48,495
No.

1502
01:08:49,429 --> 01:08:51,599
-Let them stay.
-What?

1503
01:08:51,699 --> 01:08:52,967
But you love them.

1504
01:08:53,067 --> 01:08:55,003
I do,

1505
01:08:55,103 --> 01:08:56,738
but they deserve to be
with their family.

1506
01:08:58,940 --> 01:09:00,140
And...

1507
01:09:00,842 --> 01:09:02,543
maybe when they're gone...

1508
01:09:04,045 --> 01:09:05,913
I'll finally have time
to be with mine.

1509
01:09:06,014 --> 01:09:11,853
Aw...

1510
01:09:11,953 --> 01:09:13,286
-Does he mean us?
-Yeah.

1511
01:09:13,387 --> 01:09:15,222
-I think he means us.
-Oh, good. Okay.

1512
01:09:15,322 --> 01:09:16,824
Goodbye, Backpack.

1513
01:09:16,924 --> 01:09:19,226
-Bye.
-Goodbye, Whisper.

1514
01:09:19,961 --> 01:09:22,429
Goodbye, Daddy.

1515
01:09:27,935 --> 01:09:29,637
Take care of yourselves.

1516
01:09:37,111 --> 01:09:40,280
Boys, I...
I'm-I'm so sorry.

1517
01:09:41,248 --> 01:09:42,550
I was wrong.

1518
01:09:42,650 --> 01:09:43,851
And I was wrong.

1519
01:09:43,951 --> 01:09:45,586
We were wrong, too.

1520
01:09:45,687 --> 01:09:47,220
-Mm.
-Big hug?

1521
01:09:47,320 --> 01:09:48,556
-Oh, yeah.
-Big hug.

1522
01:09:48,656 --> 01:09:49,957
Family hug.

1523
01:09:50,058 --> 01:09:51,125
<i>And so the twins</i>

1524
01:09:51,224 --> 01:09:52,894
<i>finally got the family</i>

1525
01:09:52,994 --> 01:09:54,696
<i>they never knew they wanted.</i>

1526
01:10:01,869 --> 01:10:03,604
<i>They even decided</i>
<i>to move in together,</i>

1527
01:10:03,705 --> 01:10:06,774
<i>to a little shitbox</i>
<i>on the Lower East Side.</i>

1528
01:10:13,047 --> 01:10:14,347
No.

1529
01:10:14,448 --> 01:10:15,950
No, I don't want...

1530
01:10:16,784 --> 01:10:17,852
Whatever.

1531
01:10:17,952 --> 01:10:19,921
No, not me. I can't.

1532
01:10:23,290 --> 01:10:25,760
-Craig, what's wrong?
-Trevor, what's wrong?

1533
01:10:25,860 --> 01:10:27,494
I was having a nightmare.

1534
01:10:27,595 --> 01:10:29,731
-A nightmare I was gay.
-Me, too.

1535
01:10:29,831 --> 01:10:32,265
I was having a gay nightmare,
and I was gay in it.

1536
01:10:32,365 --> 01:10:34,736
Oh, come here. I got you.

1537
01:10:34,836 --> 01:10:37,138
-You're not gay.
-You're not gay either.

1538
01:10:37,237 --> 01:10:38,606
I've got you.

1539
01:10:43,243 --> 01:10:44,444
Oh.

1540
01:10:44,545 --> 01:10:46,814
-What is it?
-I don't know.

1541
01:10:46,914 --> 01:10:50,084
I guess I just thought that if
I got everything I ever wanted

1542
01:10:50,184 --> 01:10:52,019
-I'd somehow feel...
-Complete?

1543
01:10:52,120 --> 01:10:54,387
Yeah, but I guess
I still feel...

1544
01:10:54,488 --> 01:10:56,624
-Empty inside?
-Yeah.

1545
01:10:56,724 --> 01:10:58,059
It's like I just wish
there was...

1546
01:10:58,159 --> 01:10:59,292
Someone who has gone through

1547
01:10:59,392 --> 01:11:00,327
exactly what you've
gone through

1548
01:11:00,427 --> 01:11:01,996
and know exactly how you feel?

1549
01:11:02,096 --> 01:11:03,865
Oh, my God,

1550
01:11:03,965 --> 01:11:05,566
I do have that person.

1551
01:11:05,666 --> 01:11:07,400
-That person is...
-Me.

1552
01:11:07,501 --> 01:11:10,238
No. I was gonna say "you."

1553
01:11:10,337 --> 01:11:13,641
But, Trevor,
when you say "you,"

1554
01:11:13,741 --> 01:11:15,442
it means "me."

1555
01:11:16,644 --> 01:11:17,945
I...

1556
01:11:18,045 --> 01:11:19,747
I love you, Craig.

1557
01:11:21,281 --> 01:11:23,283
I love you, too, Trevor.

1558
01:11:49,442 --> 01:11:51,378
Oh, yeah!

1559
01:11:56,584 --> 01:11:58,820
Aw, fuck!

1560
01:11:58,920 --> 01:12:01,388
Oh, yeah! Oh!

1561
01:12:09,764 --> 01:12:12,967
What the fuck?

1562
01:12:20,107 --> 01:12:22,342
-Oh, my God.
-Oh, wow.

1563
01:12:24,612 --> 01:12:27,447
-That was so hot.
-That was so hot.

1564
01:12:27,548 --> 01:12:30,350
And easy. Everything made
sense and was comfortable.

1565
01:12:30,450 --> 01:12:32,053
Easy, easy.

1566
01:12:32,153 --> 01:12:34,055
-Anal's easy.
-Anal is easy.

1567
01:12:34,155 --> 01:12:36,057
It takes no practice to learn.

1568
01:12:36,157 --> 01:12:37,291
I didn't douche.
Did you douche?

1569
01:12:37,390 --> 01:12:39,260
I didn't. No. I don't know
what douching is.

1570
01:12:39,392 --> 01:12:40,628
Yeah.

1571
01:12:43,231 --> 01:12:44,665
So, then after cumming,

1572
01:12:44,765 --> 01:12:47,068
we laid there cuddling
all night.

1573
01:12:47,168 --> 01:12:49,036
-It was beautiful.
-I feel so lucky

1574
01:12:49,136 --> 01:12:51,906
to have found the only person
in the whole world

1575
01:12:52,006 --> 01:12:54,075
who is as smart, awesome,

1576
01:12:54,175 --> 01:12:56,110
big-dicked, and smart as me.

1577
01:12:56,210 --> 01:12:57,645
And as fate would have it,

1578
01:12:57,745 --> 01:13:00,081
the person most like me

1579
01:13:00,181 --> 01:13:02,650
is my identical twin. Crazy.

1580
01:13:02,750 --> 01:13:04,384
-Crazy.
-It's crazy.

1581
01:13:04,484 --> 01:13:06,120
-It's crazy.
-Crazy.

1582
01:13:06,220 --> 01:13:07,387
-Babe, look at me.
-Yeah?

1583
01:13:07,487 --> 01:13:09,857
-It's crazy.
-I'm sorry, I just...

1584
01:13:09,957 --> 01:13:11,692
I find this so moving.

1585
01:13:12,459 --> 01:13:14,427
Okay, if anyone has any reason

1586
01:13:14,528 --> 01:13:16,429
this couple should not be wed,

1587
01:13:16,530 --> 01:13:18,398
speak now or forever
hold your...

1588
01:13:24,005 --> 01:13:26,107
This is not
what the Bible says.

1589
01:13:26,207 --> 01:13:27,708
What the fuck?

1590
01:13:27,808 --> 01:13:29,877
You do the math.
This don't work.

1591
01:13:29,977 --> 01:13:33,314
Stop, stop, stop,
you fucking assholes!

1592
01:13:33,413 --> 01:13:35,750
I command you.

1593
01:13:35,850 --> 01:13:39,186
-Why should we listen to you?
-Yeah!

1594
01:13:39,287 --> 01:13:43,057
Because I am God!

1595
01:14:00,274 --> 01:14:03,077
Now listen and listen good,

1596
01:14:03,177 --> 01:14:04,412
you self-righteous,

1597
01:14:04,512 --> 01:14:06,781
judgmental flops.

1598
01:14:06,881 --> 01:14:09,482
Two twin brothers
marrying each other,

1599
01:14:09,583 --> 01:14:11,352
it sounds like an abomination,

1600
01:14:11,451 --> 01:14:13,654
and yet, it's not.

1601
01:14:14,487 --> 01:14:17,658
Because love in all its forms,

1602
01:14:17,758 --> 01:14:21,595
is a divine thing
given to you by me,

1603
01:14:21,696 --> 01:14:24,699
who, again, is God.

1604
01:14:24,799 --> 01:14:27,500
But, Father,
they're fucking twins.

1605
01:14:27,601 --> 01:14:29,203
Is that Sister Tammy?

1606
01:14:29,737 --> 01:14:31,806
You shouldn't judge.

1607
01:14:31,906 --> 01:14:33,841
An apple a day
keeps the doctor away,

1608
01:14:33,941 --> 01:14:36,877
but cum ain't apples.

1609
01:14:36,978 --> 01:14:38,346
-Gross!
-Who is?

1610
01:14:38,446 --> 01:14:39,780
They are.

1611
01:14:39,880 --> 01:14:41,882
I don't do any
of that nasty stuff.

1612
01:14:41,983 --> 01:14:44,719
I only have procreative sex
with my wife.

1613
01:14:44,819 --> 01:14:46,787
-Yeah!
-Lights off, eyes closed,

1614
01:14:46,887 --> 01:14:48,656
just as you intended, my Lord.

1615
01:14:48,756 --> 01:14:51,959
Don't put that shit
on me, Steve.

1616
01:14:52,059 --> 01:14:54,829
Fucked up men, Yes, men,

1617
01:14:54,929 --> 01:14:57,497
took my words
and changed the meaning.

1618
01:14:57,598 --> 01:15:01,602
I mean, you sticking
your sloppy hard wiener

1619
01:15:01,702 --> 01:15:04,405
into your wife's wet hole?

1620
01:15:04,505 --> 01:15:06,407
That's disgusting, too.

1621
01:15:06,507 --> 01:15:08,743
Well, goddamn,
if he ain't right about that.

1622
01:15:08,843 --> 01:15:09,810
When he explained it
like that,

1623
01:15:09,910 --> 01:15:10,911
-I got it.
-I never thought of it

1624
01:15:11,012 --> 01:15:12,279
-in that way.
-I mean, it makes sense.

1625
01:15:12,380 --> 01:15:14,615
Look at these twins.

1626
01:15:14,715 --> 01:15:17,551
They're vile. Misogynists.

1627
01:15:17,651 --> 01:15:19,286
Pigs. Perverts.

1628
01:15:19,387 --> 01:15:22,223
-Depraved little sex pests...
-Okay, we get it, God.

1629
01:15:22,323 --> 01:15:23,891
Yeah, relax, God.

1630
01:15:24,692 --> 01:15:26,660
But they love themselves,

1631
01:15:26,761 --> 01:15:29,697
in every sense of the word.

1632
01:15:29,797 --> 01:15:32,233
That's why
I brought them together,

1633
01:15:32,333 --> 01:15:34,001
to teach you

1634
01:15:34,101 --> 01:15:36,837
that all love is love.

1635
01:15:37,972 --> 01:15:40,875
Damn, this story
ended up good.

1636
01:15:40,975 --> 01:15:45,146
Oh, fuck it, I'm putting
this one in the Bible.

1637
01:15:49,650 --> 01:15:51,118
Oh, Harris.

1638
01:15:52,420 --> 01:15:55,189
<i>♪ We share a love ♪</i>

1639
01:15:55,289 --> 01:15:58,259
<i>♪ That can't be ignored ♪</i>

1640
01:15:58,359 --> 01:16:00,761
<i>♪ A love sent to us ♪</i>

1641
01:16:00,861 --> 01:16:02,563
<i>♪ From our holy fucking Lord ♪</i>

1642
01:16:02,663 --> 01:16:04,298
This guy.

1643
01:16:04,398 --> 01:16:07,201
<i>♪ I have no pussy ♪</i>

1644
01:16:07,301 --> 01:16:10,304
<i>♪ And I'm straight and gay ♪</i>

1645
01:16:10,404 --> 01:16:12,807
<i>♪ People may judge us ♪</i>

1646
01:16:12,907 --> 01:16:19,380
<i>♪ But this is what we'll say ♪</i>

1647
01:16:19,480 --> 01:16:22,349
<i>♪ All love is love ♪</i>

1648
01:16:22,450 --> 01:16:25,352
<i>♪ Even when it's ugly ♪</i>

1649
01:16:25,453 --> 01:16:28,255
<i>♪ All love is love ♪</i>

1650
01:16:28,355 --> 01:16:31,325
<i>♪ Even when it's wrong ♪</i>

1651
01:16:31,425 --> 01:16:33,861
<i>♪ All love is love ♪</i>

1652
01:16:33,961 --> 01:16:38,899
<i>♪ Like a woman who fucks men</i>
<i>made out of sand ♪</i>

1653
01:16:38,999 --> 01:16:41,669
<i>♪ All love is gross ♪</i>

1654
01:16:41,769 --> 01:16:44,839
<i>♪ But all love is love ♪</i>

1655
01:16:44,939 --> 01:16:47,208
<i>♪ You are my brother ♪</i>

1656
01:16:47,308 --> 01:16:50,811
<i>♪ My family, my kin ♪</i>

1657
01:16:50,911 --> 01:16:53,447
<i>♪ We share a bond ♪</i>

1658
01:16:53,548 --> 01:16:56,717
<i>♪ That comes</i>
<i>from deep within ♪</i>

1659
01:16:56,817 --> 01:16:58,752
<i>♪ But our love has grown ♪</i>

1660
01:16:58,853 --> 01:17:02,490
<i>♪ Now it's ancient</i>
<i>and divine ♪</i>

1661
01:17:02,591 --> 01:17:05,025
<i>♪ We'll fuck</i>
<i>each other's assholes ♪</i>

1662
01:17:05,126 --> 01:17:11,832
<i>♪ Till we can't tell yours</i>
<i>from mine ♪</i>

1663
01:17:11,932 --> 01:17:14,835
<i>♪ All love is love ♪</i>

1664
01:17:14,935 --> 01:17:18,172
<i>♪ Even when it's ugly ♪</i>

1665
01:17:18,272 --> 01:17:20,741
<i>♪ All love is love ♪</i>

1666
01:17:20,841 --> 01:17:24,278
<i>♪ Even when it's wrong ♪</i>

1667
01:17:24,378 --> 01:17:26,113
<i>♪ All love is love ♪</i>

1668
01:17:26,213 --> 01:17:30,552
<i>♪ Like a man who gets</i>
<i>a blow job from a horse ♪</i>

1669
01:17:30,651 --> 01:17:34,221
-Wow.
<i>-♪ All love is gross ♪</i>

1670
01:17:34,321 --> 01:17:37,258
<i>♪ But all love is love ♪</i>

1671
01:17:38,659 --> 01:17:40,027
-Oh!
-Oh!

1672
01:17:40,127 --> 01:17:43,130
I now pronounce
these twin brothers

1673
01:17:43,230 --> 01:17:44,431
legally married.

1674
01:17:49,270 --> 01:17:51,438
That's got to be a first.
That's got to be a first.

1675
01:17:52,306 --> 01:17:53,974
God loves all of you

1676
01:17:54,074 --> 01:17:56,410
because God is all of you.

1677
01:17:57,244 --> 01:17:59,346
God is man and woman.

1678
01:17:59,446 --> 01:18:01,849
God is Black and white.

1679
01:18:01,949 --> 01:18:04,151
God is straight and gay.

1680
01:18:04,251 --> 01:18:06,555
What, hold on, what?
You're gay?

1681
01:18:06,655 --> 01:18:07,955
Yeah, obviously...

1682
01:18:08,055 --> 01:18:09,890
...amongst other things,
but my point is that...

1683
01:18:09,990 --> 01:18:12,159
No, totally, we hear you.
God is gay.

1684
01:18:13,794 --> 01:18:18,499
<i>♪ All love is love</i>
<i>All love is love ♪</i>

1685
01:18:18,600 --> 01:18:20,801
<i>♪ God is a faggot ♪</i>

1686
01:18:20,901 --> 01:18:22,436
<i>♪ And all love is love ♪</i>

1687
01:18:22,537 --> 01:18:23,672
That's not exactly my point.

1688
01:18:23,771 --> 01:18:28,275
<i>♪ All love is love</i>
<i>All love is love ♪</i>

1689
01:18:28,375 --> 01:18:33,214
<i>♪ God is a faggot</i>
<i>and all love is love ♪</i>

1690
01:18:33,314 --> 01:18:37,952
<i>♪ All love is love</i>
<i>All love is love ♪</i>

1691
01:18:38,052 --> 01:18:42,323
<i>♪ God is a faggot</i>
<i>and all love is love ♪</i>

1692
01:18:42,423 --> 01:18:43,457
Everybody!

1693
01:18:44,825 --> 01:18:46,060
Sing along!

1694
01:18:47,361 --> 01:18:48,362
Can't hear you.

1695
01:18:49,631 --> 01:18:51,031
You're a bigot!

1696
01:18:52,866 --> 01:18:54,935
<i>-♪ All love is love ♪</i>
-That's what I said.

1697
01:18:55,035 --> 01:18:56,870
<i>-♪ All love is love ♪</i>
-Even incest.

1698
01:18:56,971 --> 01:18:58,872
<i>-♪ All love is love ♪</i>
-Love a fruit.

1699
01:18:58,973 --> 01:19:00,007
<i>♪ All love is love ♪</i>

1700
01:19:00,107 --> 01:19:02,042
-Hallelujah!
<i>-♪ All love is love ♪</i>

1701
01:19:02,142 --> 01:19:03,944
<i>-♪ All love is love ♪</i>
<i>-♪ All love is love ♪</i>

1702
01:19:04,044 --> 01:19:05,112
<i>♪ All love is love ♪</i>

1703
01:19:05,212 --> 01:19:06,947
<i>-♪ All love is love ♪</i>
<i>-♪ Oh ♪</i>

1704
01:19:07,047 --> 01:19:09,016
<i>-♪ All love is love ♪</i>
<i>-♪ God is a faggot ♪</i>

1705
01:19:09,116 --> 01:19:11,118
<i>-♪ All love is love ♪</i>
<i>-♪ Sing God is a faggot ♪</i>

1706
01:19:11,218 --> 01:19:13,688
<i>-♪ All love is love ♪</i>
<i>-♪ Oh, God is a faggot ♪</i>

1707
01:19:13,787 --> 01:19:14,822
<i>-♪ All love is love ♪</i>
<i>-♪ Yeah ♪</i>

1708
01:19:14,922 --> 01:19:16,390
<i>♪ All love is love ♪</i>

1709
01:19:16,490 --> 01:19:17,659
Yay, yeah!

1710
01:19:23,665 --> 01:19:25,266
Check out
the New New Testament.

1711
01:19:25,366 --> 01:19:26,735
Coming this Christmas.

1712
01:19:26,834 --> 01:19:29,604
♪ And all love

1713
01:19:29,704 --> 01:19:32,707
<i>♪ Is love ♪</i>

1714
01:19:41,716 --> 01:19:44,485
The end.

1715
01:19:51,825 --> 01:19:53,494
-Surprise!
-Surprise!

1716
01:19:53,595 --> 01:19:55,530
Oh, I looked
right into camera.

1717
01:20:04,572 --> 01:20:06,541
It doesn't really go in there.

1718
01:20:08,576 --> 01:20:10,010
-Spit it?
-Yeah.

1719
01:20:20,487 --> 01:20:22,156
Yes, we can.

1720
01:20:29,863 --> 01:20:32,399
Uh, whatever. Y'all fucked up.

1721
01:20:35,637 --> 01:20:38,807
Kids, listen, we love you, but

1722
01:20:38,906 --> 01:20:43,477
we will never... get married.

1723
01:20:45,412 --> 01:20:46,480
Mom?

1724
01:20:52,186 --> 01:20:54,254
Let's go home
and discuss it, eh?

1725
01:20:54,355 --> 01:20:56,691
Let's go home
and get in the bed

1726
01:20:56,791 --> 01:20:58,459
and discuss it in my puss.

1727
01:21:02,363 --> 01:21:04,833
...if you do what
we want and get married.

1728
01:21:04,932 --> 01:21:07,134
Oh, for fuck's sake.

1729
01:21:07,234 --> 01:21:08,369
Eat me.

1730
01:21:13,006 --> 01:21:14,942
Tiddles. Titties. Craig.

1731
01:21:15,042 --> 01:21:17,277
Trevor Brock.
My two top salesmen.

1732
01:21:17,378 --> 01:21:19,647
I feel like it says "Titties."
I keep forgetting.

1733
01:21:32,426 --> 01:21:35,896
Of all the humiliations
I've had in show business,

1734
01:21:35,996 --> 01:21:37,331
and they are legion,

1735
01:21:37,431 --> 01:21:40,134
this may be the most
humiliating moment...

1736
01:21:40,234 --> 01:21:42,403
...I've ever had.

1737
01:21:52,747 --> 01:21:54,081
<i>Set.</i>

1738
01:21:55,617 --> 01:21:57,217
My prize pig.

1739
01:21:57,317 --> 01:21:58,653
I wanna be a prize pig.

1740
01:21:58,753 --> 01:21:59,920
Hey, baby,

1741
01:22:00,020 --> 01:22:02,891
you could be a prize pig
in my bed when I fuck you.

1742
01:22:08,663 --> 01:22:10,632
Okay.

1743
01:22:12,399 --> 01:22:13,934
Oh, my God.

1744
01:22:15,068 --> 01:22:17,404
Oh, my God.

1745
01:22:17,504 --> 01:22:21,308
I am the lady, the bitch,
the boss, rich...

1746
01:22:21,408 --> 01:22:23,043
Don't put a gender
on my title.

1747
01:22:23,143 --> 01:22:24,846
Yeah, and, lady,
I'm Craig, so...

1748
01:22:24,945 --> 01:22:27,080
Lady? Yes, um, well...

1749
01:22:27,181 --> 01:22:28,850
I forgot what the fuck
I was supposed to say.

1750
01:22:31,018 --> 01:22:32,620
Oh, this time,
let's improvise.

1751
01:22:32,720 --> 01:22:34,689
Oh, God, no.

1752
01:22:34,789 --> 01:22:36,356
That's-that's bad.

1753
01:22:36,457 --> 01:22:38,760
'Cause then it's just
a lot of potty talk.

1754
01:22:38,860 --> 01:22:40,829
-Mom!
-Dad!

1755
01:22:40,929 --> 01:22:42,530
-Dad?
-Mommy!

1756
01:22:42,630 --> 01:22:43,598
Cut!

1757
01:22:45,299 --> 01:22:47,167
I hope he's a big macho guy
like me.

1758
01:22:47,267 --> 01:22:50,103
Um, yeah, listen, I would love
to talk about that, obviously,

1759
01:22:50,204 --> 01:22:52,507
but this is actually Mom's
house, so I got to go now.

1760
01:22:52,607 --> 01:22:53,608
Oh, God!

1761
01:22:55,743 --> 01:22:57,779
Okay, bye-bye.

1762
01:22:57,879 --> 01:22:59,012
Yeah, that's good,
but I think

1763
01:22:59,112 --> 01:23:01,181
also maybe a little more
open-handed, if possible.

1764
01:23:01,281 --> 01:23:02,382
-Okay.
-Yeah, like that.

1765
01:23:02,483 --> 01:23:03,952
-That's good. Okay, good.
-Yeah. Oh, God.

1766
01:23:04,051 --> 01:23:05,152
-Thank you.
-Oh, God.

1767
01:23:05,252 --> 01:23:06,521
-Ugh. God...
-Oh, God.

1768
01:23:06,621 --> 01:23:07,856
Open-handed pussy.

1769
01:23:15,162 --> 01:23:17,632
Hop on.

1770
01:23:17,732 --> 01:23:18,967
Yeah, get right under here,

1771
01:23:19,066 --> 01:23:20,635
-you'll feel much better.
-Okay.

1772
01:23:20,735 --> 01:23:22,102
-Oh. Oh.
-Oh!

1773
01:23:25,573 --> 01:23:27,441
Shh.

1774
01:23:32,514 --> 01:23:34,983
Shh.

1775
01:23:35,082 --> 01:23:36,918
<i>-♪ I loved a girl some... ♪</i>
-Shh.

1776
01:23:40,788 --> 01:23:43,725
Single-parent families
are not homes, that's true.

1777
01:23:43,825 --> 01:23:46,193
Single-parent homes
are not families, that's true.

1778
01:23:46,293 --> 01:23:49,463
Single-parent families are not
homes, that's true. Fuck!

1779
01:23:53,233 --> 01:23:56,771
That's-that's my other
autobiography title.

1780
01:23:56,871 --> 01:23:58,873
"Fresh bag of ham."

1781
01:23:58,973 --> 01:24:02,544
No! No!

1782
01:24:02,644 --> 01:24:04,512
No!

1783
01:24:05,379 --> 01:24:08,048
Surprise, I'm in this movie.

1784
01:24:10,083 --> 01:24:13,855
<i>♪ I do want ♪</i>

1785
01:24:13,955 --> 01:24:16,423
<i>♪ More... ♪</i>

1786
01:24:16,524 --> 01:24:19,861
Sorry.
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

1787
01:24:19,961 --> 01:24:21,729
And cut.

1788
01:25:49,282 --> 01:25:53,253
<i>♪ It's a gay old life ♪</i>

1789
01:25:53,353 --> 01:25:58,893
<i>-♪ Being queer ♪</i>
<i>-♪ I have no pussy ♪</i>