This programme contains very strong language.
Shauna Sharkey's niece works for the company, you see. Right.
Every voucher entitles you to a free item of make-up,
a lip liner, a mascara... Shite!
..an eyebrow pencil or what have you.
I nearly took her hand off, Mary. This is all I need. Gerry!
But there's a catch. I thought there might be.
The retailer will accept one voucher per customer only.
Now, what that means, Mary...
I know what it means, Sarah. Gerry!
It means I can't hand over 22 vouchers and say,
"Give us 22 items."
No? Gerry!
But if we were to head up to town with a bag of disguises.
Bag of disguises? Couple of quick changes
in the Richmond Centre toilets. No chance! Gerry!
Gerry! But the offer ends today, Mary.
Gerry! Gerry!
Gerry! Gerry! Gerry! Gerry! Gerry!
Was someone calling? Hot water's gone again.
That bloody boiler! We'll have to ring the plumber.
Mother, have you seen my fountain pen?
We're talking about free make-up here, Mary. The plumber?
The number's in my wee address book, Da.
I'm sick saying we need a new boiler.
Mammy, my fountain pen... We can't afford a new boiler.
Tight hole! No, no, no, no, no!
And let's face it, you could be doing with a bit of bronzer, Mary.
I had it down here last night, remember? I was working on my novel.
It's on the phone table there. My fountain pen?
My address book! I'm not looking for your address book!
You'd give Casper a run for his money, no offence. Jesus Christ!
I don't like strawberry Pop Tarts. I like chocolate Pop Tarts.
Mammy? Pen? Right, here you go. Here's a pen.
That's a Biro. I mean, I've seen corpses that are a better colour.
I can't write with a Biro!
Which means I end up eating them out of pity.
You might as well ask Van Gogh to paint with a trowel.
Oh, shut up, shut up, shut up!
Will you all just please shut up? I am sick of it!
I am sick of the boiler and the vouchers
and the fountain pens and the bastardin' Pop Tarts.
I am sick of the fact that I am responsible
for everything in this house, you useless, useless shites!
Enough is enough. You can all sort yourselves out for once!
Now...
I'm going to go upstairs and have a long, hot soak in the bath.
And I do not want disturbed - is that understood?
There's no hot water.
Christ almighty!
All right? Where's James?
Ach, Jesus Christ!
If I've left him on the bus again my ma's gonna go nuts.
Hi, guys! Bye guys!
They're doing this 24-hour danceathon thing.
They haven't slept. What? Why are they so bouncy?
They're off their tits on lemon sherbet.
Seriously, between them and Marcel Marceau over here, I... Ugh!
How's it going?
You're really not gonna talk for 24 hours?
Yeah, that's tough. You're better off not breathing.
Would she be, Orla? Or...would she be dead?
It's not doing me any harm.
What? I'm not breathing for Children in Need.
That's happening now, is it, you're currently not breathing?
Correct.
Grand. Well, I am planning on visiting the hospital.
I'm going to read the sick kids some of my work.
No, Erin. Them wains have suffered enough.
Well, what's your great philanthropic plans?
In English, please?
What are you doing for Children in Need?
I might cut my hair.
Charlene Kavanagh made a shit ton when she done it last year,
and I'm trying to save for a holiday, so...
You can't keep the money, Michelle. You've to give it to the charity.
What? Do you not just give them the hair? Ah, fer...
Hey, I passed! I passed!
What are you on about?
My driving test. I...I passed.
You were doing your driving test?
It's literally all I've talked about for weeks. Jesus Christ, James!
There's only so many ways I can say this....
We. Don't. Listen. To. You.
You've seen my instructor pick me up at the school gates a dozen times!
What did you think was going on?
I just thought he was some sort of creep.
Yet you didn't try to intervene?
You seemed happy enough. I see...
MUSIC: Intro to Feeling Hot Hot Hot by The Merrymen
# Ole, ole, ole, ole
# Ole, ole, ole, ole...
Oh, God, please no!
# Feeling hot hot hot
# Feeling hot hot hot #.
No, no, no, no.
MUSIC STOPS
Thank you, girls.
We won't forget that performance in a hurry...
..no matter how hard we try.
Now, amidst the merriment, it's easy to forget
there is a serious and rather depressing side to Children in Need,
mainly the fact that Father Peter has decided to come
and talk to us about it.
Father?
Holy Christ. That pony tail is gonna bring my breakfast up.
SHE WRETCHES
Great stuff. Thank you, Sister.
Firstly, well done on the almighty effort so far.
We'll be announcing the grand total raised
at our Stars in their Eyes evening on Friday.
And tonight, Matthew, I'm gonna be...nowhere near that shit.
Fantastic way to round off this week of complete madness.
I don't know whose idea it was, but it was genius.
It was your idea. Ah, now.
You said, "Can we have a Stars in their Eyes night?"
Is that right? Well, sure, there you are.
And I said absolutely not. I see. Well, sure all's well...
And then you started begging. ..that ends well, as they say.
At one point it looked like you were going to cry.
I think you've maybe slightly misremembered there.
And we've got a pretty exciting first prize lined up.
The winner will get a chance to...
Drum roll, please, Sister. Have you lost your actual mind?
..perform their song live on TV. What about that now?
MICHELLE GASPS
Yes!
Sarah? Is that...
Are you wearing a wig?
I don't want to get into it, Gerry. Good, neither do I.
I thought I'd nip back before Mary gets out of work
and give the place a bit of a going over.
She didn't go to work. What?
I don't know what's going on with her, Gerry, but I'm worried.
She's banging on about feminism.
She's talking about joining the Women's Coalition.
Oh, Jesus!
You all right there, love?
I've always wanted to read this book. Right.
Never got around to it.
There was always something more "important" to do.
Oh, God, not the finger quoting thing.
I've said she doesn't need to worry about dinner.
I'm cooking tonight...
..as soon as I've defrosted this thing.
HAIRDRYER HUMS
Fantastic!
DOOR KNOCKS It's open!
There's gonna be some changes around here.
The highlight of my year shouldn't be a spate of good washing weather.
I need some variety. Some spontaneity.
Jesus, I need some excitement!
You called for a plumber?
# Need somebody...
MUSIC: You Might Need Somebody by Shola Oma
You're the plumber?
That's right. You're not the usual fella.
Frankie, no. Er, unfortunately Frankie passed away.
Happy days.
Yeah, sorry. I'm Gabriel.
Me too. Excuse me?
Mary! Mary. I'm Mary.
A-and-and this is my husband, erm...
Oh! God!
Gerry. Right.
I'm Sarah. I'm completely unattached.
OK.
Christ, but you're a fine looking specimen.
Thank you. Um...
Ah! Emily Bronte. Wow, what a genius.
We'll have to take your word for it, Gabriel, for we don't know her.
You've read it? It's, like, my favourite novel. It's so romantic.
I wouldn't really... I've only started, I don't..
All that forbidden desire.
Not being allowed something just makes you want it all the more...
..I suppose.
Yip.
This boiler's not gonna fix itself now, is it, Gabriel?
After me...
Dear Jesus!
You said this was dicky, Michelle.
That was before the BBC Northern Ireland thing.
This could be life-changing.
You know, Pamela Anderson was just an ordinary girl
at a football match when a roving camera stuck her on
the big screen and then, boom.
Yeah, but she looks like Pamela Anderson.
OK, James,
it's hard for you to see it because we're related,
but I'm a ride. I am a massive fucking ride.
Hey, guys. Not thinking of entering, are you?
We might be.
That's cute. So cute.
Oh, bring it on, bitches.
Christ, you'd need an A-level in chemistry
to decipher these instructions.
I'll take Gabriel up a cup of tea.
I think he's probably grand,
seeing as it's only about 60 seconds
since you brought him up the last one.
He's such a civil fella, isn't he?
Oh, he's great altogether.
You could have bagged yourself a man like that, love.
Wise up, Daddy. Hardly. It's true.
Never understand why you settled for thon thing.
Ach, I wouldn't be interested in a man like Gabriel, Daddy.
Thank you, love.
You'd be tortured, you'd be getting the women off.
Aye, true enough.
At least, with Gerry, you've none of that worry. Excuse me?
It's not just the looks thing. He's really bright, too.
That'd be intimidating, you know.
If you're that hot, you should at least have
the common decency to be a bit thick.
If I was with someone too clever, I'd feel all out of my depth.
Um, fairly straightforward in the end.
I'm sure you probably could have handled it, Gerry.
Oh, I doubt that very much, Gabriel,
what with me being of subnormal intelligence.
Sure, there's chimpanzees with more wit.
That's no word of a lie.
You'll take a cup of tea before you go?
I'm sure the man has places to be, Mary.
Ah, if you're making one.
Mary tells us you've just moved here, Gabriel.
Yeah, that's right. I'm from Kildare originally.
Very sorry to hear that, son.
Thank you. Yeah, me and the wife, well, we separated recently.
God, that's terrible, so it is.
I say separated.
The truth is she ran off with my friend.
Jesus, what must the friend look like?
It was hard for my daughter,
everyone knowing our business and stuff. So...
She left your daughter behind? Yeah.
And you're raising her? Yeah.
That must be tough, son.
It's a privilege, Joe.
Oh, come on.
She's 12 now. She says I baby her.
Mammy. The girls are gonna stay over tonight
because we need to rehearse because Jenny Joyce is such a...
Oh-ho-ho-ho.
Fuck me sideways.
Language, Michelle.
Ach, Mary, come on, that's ridiculous.
Even so. This is Gabriel,
our new plumber. This is our daughter, Erin.
Well, hello there.
Well, hello, Erin.
And what age are you?
Not five?
I knew it was too good to be true.
I think the best thing we could do is just to get
the routine on its feet. I agree.
I know we're gonna smash this, girls.
We are gonna lift that trophy.
We are gonna perform live on the motherfucking BBC
and we're gonna wipe that smile off Jenny Joyce's stupid face.
Yeah.
Let's do it. Hit it!
MUSIC DIES
How many times do I have to fucking explain it?
It is two steps forward, two steps back.
It couldn't be any fucking simpler.
What the fuck is wrong with you all?
You're the one that's out of time. Say that again, James,
and I will floor you. I will lay you out.
I think the first bit is pretty good.
The first bit's shite, Erin.
You look like you're being electrocuted,
and what the fuck do you think you're doing, Clare, the Haka?
Fuck!
Come on, Mary. I can't, Gabriel.
No-one needs to find out.
No, look, look, it's not like I'm not flattered.
You call me when you change your mind.
When? You're sure of yourself.
I know how to get what I want.
Mary. I've got a bit of a vegetable situation going on here.
I'm coming!
It's not my fault your choreography is pedestrian, Michelle.
Kiss my actual hole, Erin.
Look, I think we all just need to calm down.
BOTH: Piss off, James!
OK, that, is it? I'm going solo.
Oh, Christ, here we go.
Screwdriver.
Um, bell. Apron.
Fanny. Big fanny?
Fanny pain. The plumber was trying to get off with Erin's ma.
The plumber was trying to get off with Erin's ma,
and now I need to give all of my sponsorship money back.
We're gonna need more details, Clare.
I saw them together in the hall.
He was whispering things to her, you know, suggestive things.
My ma? He was coming onto my ma?
What is he, some sort of reverse paedophile?
I bet Mary told him where to go.
Not exactly.
How's rehearsals going, girls?
Um, I think mine might be a wee bit frozen.
It's called "al dente", Michelle.
Oh. Right.
You didn't have to dress for dinner, Mary.
I'm not having dinner, Sarah. Why not?
Well, firstly, because I value my life,
and, secondly, I'm heading out.
Where?
Eileen Rafferty turned 50, so she's having this party.
Eileen Rafferty turned 50 last year, did she not?
Aye. Aye, well, if you'd let me finish,
she's having this party for her mother.
Did her mother not pass away there?
That's right, she did.
So we're just gonna... We're just gonna have
a couple of drinks in her memory.
Is Eileen not teetotal, Mary?
Oh, my God, how do you know so much about Eileen Rafferty?
What are you, a stalker?
If a woman's 50 and there's not a wrinkle on her,
I take an interest, Mary.
Well, she'll be on the Fanta Orange.
HORN BEEPS There's my taxi. See you later.
Fanta Orange, so that's her secret.
That Eileen Rafferty story did not add up, girls.
Do you think your ma's getting plumbed by the plumber?
Well, I never trusted her, not since the day I met her.
She's your auntie, Orla.
The day you met her you were a new-born baby.
Exactly.
He wrote something.
There was a note. She put it on the shelf.
It's an address.
Do you think it's his address?
Do you think your ma's meeting him there?
Do you think that's where they're going to do the deed?
By "do the deed" I mean ride. Yes, thank you, Michelle.
I have to get to the bottom of this.
That's halfway up Pump Street. James can drive now.
He doesn't have a car.
Your da does.
He'd never let us borrow it. He wouldn't have to know.
Absolutely not!
HORNS HONK
Couldn't he speed up a wee bit?
No, I couldn't! Are we even moving?
I simply will not negotiate when it comes to road safety.
Christ, that's some gaff.
I think plumbers do all right, you know.
He's alone. She's not.
Erin, are you OK?
What you need to do is bring it a bit more downstage.
No, no - downstage?
No, no - downstage!
How many times? Downstage is up, upstage is down.
But that doesn't make any sense.
It's theatre. It's not supposed to make sense.
I need to speak to the stage manager.
What now?
OK, now...
With the smoke machine, when the contestants come out,
really go for it.
Don't be shy. Give it a good blast.
I'll give you a kick up the arse.
Testing, testing. One, two...
MUSIC: Got the Feelin' by Five
# Na na na na na na na nah
# Na na na na na na na
# Na na na na na na na nah
# La-la-la-la-la-la-la...
# Na na na na na na na
# Na na na na na na na nah
# Na na na na na na na #.
Hey, gang. Ready to do this thing?
Erin, we're just a bit worried.
Don't be.
We are going to smash it out there.
I don't mean the performance.
I mean, I'm also worried about the performance.
I've been having recurring nightmares about the performance.
About last night, Erin...
Your ma and the plumber.
Maybe you should speak to her, Erin. And say what?
How could you do it?
How could you betray Daddy like that?
How could you make me doubt everything I ever thought I knew?
Who even are you, Mammy?
And shimmy.
Four, please. No bother at all.
Once you've bought the tickets, you've donated to the charity.
You don't actually have to sit through this ordeal.
Our girls are performing. And?
Well, we'd like to see them. Oh!
CB RADIO: Sister Michael, you're needed backstage ASAP, over.
Sorry, just let me deal with this.
Ahem!
Let's welcome our first contestant, Miss Tina O'Connell.
Hello, there, Tina.
All right?
Now, you've been a fan of this artist for some time.
Is that correct?
Aye.
Great stuff.
Now, we'll give a few clues about that person in just a moment.
Now, I believe you first realised you sounded like this person
when you were in the bath.
Aye.
Would you like to tell us about that?
I was singing in the bath and my ma heard me and she said,
"Tina, you sound a bit like Meat Loaf."
There's no, need for the clues now, Tina, is there?
Who are you gonna be tonight, Tina?
Tonight, Father... Matthew.
Tonight, Father Matthew... No, just Matthew, like in the show.
Seen the show, haven't you, Tina?
Tonight, Matthew, I'm going to be Meat Loaf.
# I would do anything for love, but I won't do that
Sorry we're late.
# No, I won't do that
Gabriel, it's yourself.
I hope you don't mind me gate-crashing.
Mary mentioned it and I thought the little one might enjoy it.
Mind? Not at all. Sure why would I mind?
# And some days it don't come hard
# Some days it don't come at all, and these are the days...#
God, I would just like to take this opportunity
to thank you for our friendship,
and for the fact that this costume makes my rack look so, so cracker.
Amen.
# Stay with me
# You'd better hope and pray that you make it safe
# Back to your own world...#
Please welcome to the stage, Erin, Orla, Clare, Michelle and James.
APPLAUSE
The act you're going to perform for us tonight,
well, they're absolutely huge.
That's right, Peter. Matthew.
Matthew! Shit! I got it right in rehearsal, I just...
It doesn't matter. No, I fucked it.
OK. Give us some clues, girls.
Well, Peter... They are English, but we still like them.
They're also probably better known by their nicknames.
Which are? And I think this just might give it away now.
Ginger! Baby! Sporty!
Scary and Posh!
TOGETHER: Tonight, Matthew, we're gonna be The Spice Girls!
Girl power!
APPLAUSE
MUSIC INTRO: Who Do You Think You Are by The Spice Girls
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
THEY MIME
# The race is on to get out of the bottom
# The top is high so your roots are forgotten
# Giving is good, as long as you're getting
# What's driving you is ambition, I'm betting.
# I said-a who-oo-oo do you think you are?
# Do you think you are?
# I said-a who-oo-oo?
# Some kind of superstar?
# You have got to
# Swing it, shake it, move it, make it, who do you think you are?
# Trust it, use it, prove it, groove it, show me how good you are
# Swing it, shake it, move it, make it, who do you think you are?
# Trust it, use it, prove it, groove it, show how good you are
Are they good?
How are they good?!
# You're swelling out in the wrong direction
# You've got the bug, superstar, you've been bitten
# Your trumpet's blowing for far too long
# Climbing the snake up the ladder, but you're wrong
MARY GIGGLES
MUSIC FADES
DISTORTED: # ...do you think you are?
# Do you think you are?
# I said, who-oo-oo?
MUSIC RETURNS
# Some kind of superstar?
Michelle? Keep on going!
BACKING TRACK CONTINUES
THEY STRUGGLE TO CONTINUE
Fuck!
MUSIC STOPS
Erin? Leave me alone!
Erin, love, what's wrong?
Don't you "Erin, love" me! I'm sorry?
I know what you've been up to.
Our secret lottery numbers, Mary.
You do secret lottery numbers?
I know about you and Gabriel. What? What?
Clare heard you arranging your dirty little rendezvous.
All right, Mary, how's it going?
Admit it, Gabriel - you're just a pervert
with a jazzy-jumpered Ma fetish!
I'd rather not admit that, if you don't mind.
I know you went to his fancy house.
I've never been to his house! We saw you, Mammy. Stop lying!
Oh...
Oh, God! You're having an affair with the plumber!
You're having an affair with Frankie? Frankie's dead, Da.
Gabriel. She's having an affair with Gabriel!
How the hell did you manage that?
I'm not having an affair with Gabriel!
Just tell them the truth, Mary.
Oh, should she, now? You absolute bastard!
Prick!
Hey, that's enough of that now. Stop it! Make me!
If one of you doesn't hit the other one soon...
..I'll knock the pair of you out.
Do it, Granda! Pack it in!
Look, when Gabriel was fixing the boiler,
I brought him up a couple of cups of tea.
Couple of dozen! We got chatting.
Jesus...Christ!
He told me that he was taking these night classes in English literature.
He wants to do a degree.
He convinced me to come along and check it out.
That house was the tutor's house, Erin!
There was eight other people there.
So why were you drinking wine, Mammy?
Because everybody was drinking wine.
There was cheese as well.
Blue stuff. Stinking!
So stinking.
I don't understand why you wouldn't just tell me.
Why the hell should she have to tell you?
Da, please! The fella's a control freak, Mary.
Is it any wonder you had an affair? I didn't have an affair!
I didn't want to say anything, because...
Because, well, the idea that someone like me could go back to school,
the idea that someone like me might even go to university,
well, it didn't seem possible.
I thought there's no point in telling anybody about all this
because it's not actually going to happen.
It's...it's not real.
Well...
..let's make it real, if it's what you want.
Do you mean that?
There's nothing you can't do, love - nothing.
Absolute arsehole.
How could you, Mammy?
I wanted to be the first person in our family to go to university,
and now you're absolutely stealing my thunder.
Really, Erin?
# Stay with me
# You'd better hope and pray that you make it safe...#
She hasn't got a fucking note in her head!
This went next door by mistake. Looks like a speeding notice.
Speeding notice?
No, it's the opposite of a speeding notice.
It says our car was driving dangerously slowly
over Craigavon Bridge on Tuesday night.
You said you were in on Tuesday night.
I was. I was watching Taggart.
Are you having an affair?
Is that what's going on here?
Let's go!
# I would do anything for love
# I'd run right into hell and back
# And I would do anything for love
# But I won't do that
# No, I won't do that #.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media