1
00:00:18,019 --> 00:00:20,480
-In my head, kind of like...
-[man] Hey, Dan. You're up.
2
00:00:20,563 --> 00:00:21,689
{\an8}OK. I'll see you later.
3
00:00:30,865 --> 00:00:32,867
{\an8}["Telegram Sam" by T-Rex playing]
4
00:00:32,950 --> 00:00:35,244
{\an8}♪...with my corkscrew hair ♪
5
00:00:35,328 --> 00:00:39,082
[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome to the stage... Dan Soder!
6
00:00:39,165 --> 00:00:42,502
♪ Telegram Sam ♪
7
00:00:42,585 --> 00:00:45,421
♪ You're my main man ♪
8
00:00:45,505 --> 00:00:48,216
♪ Telegram Sam ♪
9
00:00:48,299 --> 00:00:51,135
♪ You're my main man ♪
10
00:00:51,219 --> 00:00:52,345
Thank you.
11
00:00:52,428 --> 00:00:53,554
[audience applauds]
12
00:00:53,638 --> 00:00:57,141
Oh, stop it. Thank you so much.
13
00:00:57,517 --> 00:00:59,227
[audience cheers]
14
00:01:01,020 --> 00:01:02,522
You guys!
15
00:01:03,689 --> 00:01:05,608
You're lying!
16
00:01:06,025 --> 00:01:07,235
Hello, everyone.
17
00:01:08,236 --> 00:01:10,780
Just to let you know about me,
I live with a roommate
18
00:01:10,863 --> 00:01:12,281
because my career is good.
19
00:01:12,907 --> 00:01:14,367
[audience laughs]
20
00:01:14,450 --> 00:01:16,619
Not great. A lot of SkyMiles.
21
00:01:17,662 --> 00:01:20,331
I also share a bathroom
with a full grown man, so...
22
00:01:21,082 --> 00:01:21,916
I didn't know...
23
00:01:21,999 --> 00:01:24,836
On Mother's Day last year,
I didn't know he was home.
24
00:01:25,253 --> 00:01:27,630
And he heard me, in the living room,
25
00:01:28,172 --> 00:01:29,757
use my "Grandma voice"
26
00:01:30,508 --> 00:01:32,468
on the phone with my grandma.
27
00:01:34,136 --> 00:01:36,848
So now I'm the beta in the apartment.
28
00:01:38,808 --> 00:01:42,061
It's hard to act tough when another man's
heard your grandma voice.
29
00:01:42,144 --> 00:01:44,856
"Did you drink all the milk?"
[as roommate] "You love your nana."
30
00:01:47,149 --> 00:01:50,278
The softest I can be is on the phone
with my 89-year-old grandma.
31
00:01:50,361 --> 00:01:53,447
The sweetest I can be, as a human being,
is when I call her.
32
00:01:53,531 --> 00:01:56,450
Everyone changes their voice
when they call their grandma.
33
00:01:56,534 --> 00:01:59,996
If you don't,
you're shattered on an emotional level.
34
00:02:00,913 --> 00:02:03,749
This isn't the voice I talk to her in.
I'm not a dickhead.
35
00:02:05,084 --> 00:02:09,046
I don't call her, like, "Hey, Nana. It's
your special little boy." I don't do that.
36
00:02:10,464 --> 00:02:13,342
I go seven octaves up.
I throw some honey on that shit.
37
00:02:14,302 --> 00:02:16,429
[squeaky voice] "Hi, Nana. It's me!
38
00:02:17,305 --> 00:02:19,390
I'm still a little boy!
39
00:02:20,141 --> 00:02:21,893
I don't have hair on my ding-ding."
40
00:02:21,976 --> 00:02:23,102
And shit like that.
41
00:02:25,479 --> 00:02:27,773
She's gonna think I'm six
until the very end.
42
00:02:30,318 --> 00:02:31,944
Yeah. That's a good test, ladies.
43
00:02:32,028 --> 00:02:34,614
Have your boyfriend call his grandma
in front of you.
44
00:02:35,198 --> 00:02:37,200
See the kind of man
you're putting inside of you.
45
00:02:37,283 --> 00:02:39,076
[audience laughs]
46
00:02:40,453 --> 00:02:42,330
Just saying, it's a good litmus test.
47
00:02:43,414 --> 00:02:44,248
More than likely,
48
00:02:44,332 --> 00:02:46,751
you have nothing to worry about
and he has a great Grandma voice.
49
00:02:46,834 --> 00:02:48,336
You should maybe marry him.
50
00:02:49,045 --> 00:02:51,964
You are running a chance
that he might call her and be like,
51
00:02:52,048 --> 00:02:54,425
[deep voice] "Where's that $5 check
in my birthday card?"
52
00:02:58,804 --> 00:03:00,765
[as woman] "I am fucking a monster."
53
00:03:01,682 --> 00:03:05,394
[deep voice] "Next time I see you,
Wrinkles, it's gonna be all hip punches."
54
00:03:05,895 --> 00:03:07,396
[audience laughs]
55
00:03:07,855 --> 00:03:09,440
We've got a problem here.
56
00:03:10,274 --> 00:03:12,193
I love my grandma. I love her very much.
57
00:03:12,276 --> 00:03:15,655
I love her so much,
I've never gotten high while visiting her.
58
00:03:17,031 --> 00:03:20,493
Yeah. If you know me,
that is a major accomplishment.
59
00:03:21,077 --> 00:03:24,330
Also, there's not a better time to be high
60
00:03:24,747 --> 00:03:27,041
than when you're with
an 89-year-old person.
61
00:03:28,125 --> 00:03:31,170
They move at the exact same pace
as potheads.
62
00:03:32,421 --> 00:03:36,384
Sober, I get annoyed at how long
it takes my grandma to stir an iced tea.
63
00:03:37,969 --> 00:03:39,178
Stoned?
64
00:03:39,595 --> 00:03:42,181
I just see a thorough stirrer,
that's all I see.
65
00:03:44,517 --> 00:03:48,229
You're really gonna enjoy that iced tea,
Nana. You worked very hard on it.
66
00:03:51,232 --> 00:03:53,985
Sometimes I think about getting high
with my grandma.
67
00:03:54,068 --> 00:03:55,152
Whoa!
68
00:03:55,611 --> 00:03:57,905
Can't wait till the cataracts
get that bad.
69
00:03:58,906 --> 00:04:01,033
Just blow it in her face, like a cat.
70
00:04:02,326 --> 00:04:04,620
She'll be like, "Dan? Dan?
71
00:04:06,414 --> 00:04:07,873
Dan, I'm ripped!"
72
00:04:09,667 --> 00:04:11,919
Both of us get into her soap operas.
73
00:04:12,003 --> 00:04:14,297
I'm like,
"Devon wasn't dead the entire time?"
74
00:04:14,380 --> 00:04:16,299
She's like, "I know!"
75
00:04:17,341 --> 00:04:18,759
It's a mind fuck!
76
00:04:22,305 --> 00:04:24,473
I don't even jerk off
when I visit my grandma.
77
00:04:24,849 --> 00:04:28,227
Yes, you're right,
I am the greatest grandson of all time.
78
00:04:30,563 --> 00:04:31,897
It's such a divisive sentence.
79
00:04:31,981 --> 00:04:34,275
You say that to women
and they're like, "OK...
80
00:04:34,775 --> 00:04:36,402
Fucking zoo animal!"
81
00:04:37,862 --> 00:04:40,489
You say that sentence to men
and they're like, "Bullshit!
82
00:04:42,533 --> 00:04:43,784
Absolute bullshit.
83
00:04:44,410 --> 00:04:45,703
There's no way you don't."
84
00:04:45,786 --> 00:04:48,956
I've never jerked... Never, ever!
I've wanted to. I've had to.
85
00:04:50,333 --> 00:04:51,250
But I didn't.
86
00:04:53,044 --> 00:04:55,796
There are multiple reasons why I don't.
Here's a hypothetical...
87
00:04:55,880 --> 00:04:57,590
What if I'm mid-jerk,
88
00:04:58,007 --> 00:05:00,009
and I just catch a grandma smell?
89
00:05:00,092 --> 00:05:01,510
That could fuck some shit up.
90
00:05:01,594 --> 00:05:02,678
[audience groans]
91
00:05:03,220 --> 00:05:04,972
That will fry some wires.
92
00:05:06,098 --> 00:05:08,225
Sit in a warm shower,
trying to work one out.
93
00:05:08,309 --> 00:05:10,728
"Is that lavender?
Why do I smell lavender?
94
00:05:12,104 --> 00:05:13,522
I don't wanna finish this.
95
00:05:15,941 --> 00:05:19,278
I want a warm cookie and a story
about my dad when he was a boy."
96
00:05:21,072 --> 00:05:24,492
Sorry I had to come out with jerking off
at Grandma material at the top.
97
00:05:26,952 --> 00:05:28,454
I am a 33-year old pothead.
98
00:05:28,537 --> 00:05:29,622
[audience members cheer]
99
00:05:29,705 --> 00:05:30,581
No...
100
00:05:30,664 --> 00:05:31,499
not really.
101
00:05:31,582 --> 00:05:33,626
And I liked the delayed claps. That's fun.
102
00:05:34,585 --> 00:05:35,461
Those are lifers.
103
00:05:35,544 --> 00:05:36,670
They're like, "What?"
104
00:05:36,754 --> 00:05:38,172
[audience laughs]
105
00:05:38,798 --> 00:05:41,383
It's not as cool as it used to be,
when I was a teenager.
106
00:05:41,467 --> 00:05:44,845
Now I'm just an older stoner,
I'm starting to talk like a pothead.
107
00:05:44,929 --> 00:05:46,180
That's not cool...
108
00:05:47,056 --> 00:05:47,890
at all.
109
00:05:47,973 --> 00:05:49,183
I thought I'd beat that.
110
00:05:49,600 --> 00:05:52,478
They show you that video
when you're young, of potheads,
111
00:05:52,561 --> 00:05:55,231
and it's always the same,
stereotypical voice:
112
00:05:55,815 --> 00:05:57,274
[high-pitched voice] "Hey, man."
113
00:05:57,358 --> 00:05:58,192
Like, I'm not...
114
00:05:58,609 --> 00:06:01,153
I'm not gonna fucking talk like that.
I'm not a dickhead.
115
00:06:03,697 --> 00:06:07,118
About a month ago, I witnessed
a car accident right in front of my face.
116
00:06:07,493 --> 00:06:09,745
My only reaction was...
117
00:06:10,162 --> 00:06:12,331
"Oh!
118
00:06:13,082 --> 00:06:15,167
No!
119
00:06:15,876 --> 00:06:17,378
What?
120
00:06:18,462 --> 00:06:20,214
That's a lot of metal.
121
00:06:21,882 --> 00:06:23,634
I am hungry."
122
00:06:24,635 --> 00:06:26,679
Then I left, because the police
were on their way.
123
00:06:27,096 --> 00:06:28,013
And I...
124
00:06:28,764 --> 00:06:29,932
I clearly had weed on me.
125
00:06:31,725 --> 00:06:33,227
I still play video games,
126
00:06:33,686 --> 00:06:37,231
which I catch a lot of shit about
from my friends' wives.
127
00:06:40,067 --> 00:06:42,903
[deep voice] Because I ain't got no wife
to tell me what to do!
128
00:06:42,987 --> 00:06:44,196
[audience laughs]
129
00:06:44,822 --> 00:06:48,200
One of my friend's wives talks shit
to my face all the time.
130
00:06:48,284 --> 00:06:51,662
She's like, "You're 33.
You should stop playing video games."
131
00:06:52,538 --> 00:06:57,334
Like, "Yeah, you have a DVR
full of The Real Housewives
132
00:06:58,085 --> 00:07:00,671
of some shit city I don't care about.
133
00:07:02,006 --> 00:07:05,259
You're gonna watch seven hours
of cat-faced women
134
00:07:05,718 --> 00:07:07,553
throw wine onto each other.
135
00:07:09,221 --> 00:07:11,932
Last Tuesday, I won a Super Bowl."
136
00:07:13,517 --> 00:07:14,810
[audience applauds]
137
00:07:14,894 --> 00:07:16,979
-So...
-[audience member] Get out of here!
138
00:07:18,939 --> 00:07:20,941
A little respect, OK?
139
00:07:22,359 --> 00:07:23,235
Now, it's better.
140
00:07:23,319 --> 00:07:25,946
Video games... It depends on
what kind of lazy you are.
141
00:07:26,030 --> 00:07:28,365
We're all laying around
looking at our phones.
142
00:07:28,824 --> 00:07:30,284
It's what life is now.
143
00:07:30,367 --> 00:07:33,204
Sometimes I get scared,
so that's why I play video games.
144
00:07:33,287 --> 00:07:34,246
I know. You know...
145
00:07:34,330 --> 00:07:36,332
I get scared of McDonald's commercials.
146
00:07:36,415 --> 00:07:39,376
McDonald's is starting to sell its food
as actual food.
147
00:07:39,460 --> 00:07:41,086
That's very off-putting.
148
00:07:42,046 --> 00:07:45,549
All their commercials now are like,
"McDonalds. Now it's real."
149
00:07:45,633 --> 00:07:46,967
[audience laughs]
150
00:07:49,553 --> 00:07:50,429
What was it?
151
00:07:52,056 --> 00:07:54,016
Don't worry, it's real now!
152
00:07:54,475 --> 00:07:57,061
I've been putting it
in my body for 30 years!
153
00:07:57,811 --> 00:08:00,564
It's why I like Taco Bell.
"Taco Bell, are you real food?"
154
00:08:00,648 --> 00:08:02,566
Like, no. "Crunchy." Alright.
155
00:08:03,234 --> 00:08:04,360
Good side step.
156
00:08:05,986 --> 00:08:07,696
That's a solid side step.
157
00:08:10,115 --> 00:08:13,327
I heard you guys use cat meat.
"Do you want a Fourth Meal?" "I do!"
158
00:08:14,537 --> 00:08:15,955
I have no further questions.
159
00:08:17,706 --> 00:08:19,750
That's what it is, man. Phones are just...
160
00:08:19,833 --> 00:08:22,962
They fuck us up. I get scared.
I read shit that freaks me out.
161
00:08:23,045 --> 00:08:26,966
I read a news article recently that said
top geologists believe Miami, Florida
162
00:08:27,049 --> 00:08:30,302
will be completely under water
in 25 years.
163
00:08:30,386 --> 00:08:31,220
Gone.
164
00:08:31,303 --> 00:08:34,431
That's insane that
there are gonna be history classes
165
00:08:34,515 --> 00:08:38,394
where they're teaching kids
about the lost city of Miami.
166
00:08:38,477 --> 00:08:39,812
[audience laughs]
167
00:08:40,396 --> 00:08:41,522
Students will be like,
168
00:08:41,605 --> 00:08:45,401
"Hey, what were the people doing
as their city just slipped into the sea?"
169
00:08:45,985 --> 00:08:47,987
Cocaine and rollerblading. Mostly.
170
00:08:50,239 --> 00:08:51,282
There...
171
00:08:52,616 --> 00:08:55,202
There were a lot of pool parties
with deejays at them.
172
00:08:55,286 --> 00:08:56,245
That's...
173
00:08:56,328 --> 00:08:58,289
kind of insensitive, in hindsight.
174
00:09:02,751 --> 00:09:03,794
It just makes me wonder
175
00:09:03,877 --> 00:09:06,922
if Atlantis was the douche bag city
before it went under water.
176
00:09:09,550 --> 00:09:12,803
You're like, "I've got a cousin who lives
in Atlanta. She's a party promoter."
177
00:09:12,886 --> 00:09:14,305
You're like, "Oh!
178
00:09:14,805 --> 00:09:16,724
What a dickwad."
179
00:09:18,183 --> 00:09:20,102
I think technology is tearing us apart.
180
00:09:20,185 --> 00:09:22,313
It's the worst thing
to happen to humanity.
181
00:09:22,396 --> 00:09:24,648
We're too vulnerable for technology.
182
00:09:24,732 --> 00:09:27,818
We're the only self-loathing species
on this planet.
183
00:09:27,901 --> 00:09:29,028
Technology proves it.
184
00:09:29,111 --> 00:09:32,906
We're the only species
that walks around like, "I hate myself."
185
00:09:34,033 --> 00:09:34,992
It's lonely!
186
00:09:35,075 --> 00:09:38,370
It would be nice to know
there's a horse somewhere in a field,
187
00:09:38,454 --> 00:09:41,332
saying, "You know what?
I'm gonna start running tomorrow.
188
00:09:42,875 --> 00:09:44,752
I'm gonna cut down on carrots.
189
00:09:45,502 --> 00:09:47,713
I'm gonna stop shitting
everywhere I walk.
190
00:09:49,256 --> 00:09:51,550
I wanna have butt cheeks
that fall right out."
191
00:09:54,094 --> 00:09:57,473
I live in New York City.
No one looks up from their phones... ever!
192
00:09:58,098 --> 00:09:58,932
It's creepy.
193
00:09:59,016 --> 00:10:00,601
No one looks up from their phones
194
00:10:00,684 --> 00:10:04,313
in historically one of the most
dangerous cities in the United States.
195
00:10:04,813 --> 00:10:06,398
No one's looking up.
196
00:10:06,940 --> 00:10:12,029
Yellowstone National Park, 20 years ago,
introduced a pack of Canadian wolves,
197
00:10:12,112 --> 00:10:15,366
and it completely changed
the ecosystem for the better.
198
00:10:15,783 --> 00:10:17,534
That's what we need to do in New York.
199
00:10:18,577 --> 00:10:21,330
Just 12 packs of wolves, let them go.
200
00:10:21,955 --> 00:10:24,124
No one would look down at their phone.
No one!
201
00:10:24,208 --> 00:10:26,377
You'd have a death wish
to look at your phone,
202
00:10:26,460 --> 00:10:28,253
or be the toughest person alive.
203
00:10:28,879 --> 00:10:31,507
"What the hell is he doing?"
"He's checking Twitter."
204
00:10:31,590 --> 00:10:32,508
"What a badass!"
205
00:10:32,591 --> 00:10:34,259
[audience laughs]
206
00:10:36,136 --> 00:10:39,264
I'll get to be Liam Neeson in The Grey.
That's pretty awesome.
207
00:10:40,516 --> 00:10:41,975
I forgot most of you have jobs,
208
00:10:42,059 --> 00:10:44,269
and don't smoke weed
and watch movies all day.
209
00:10:46,188 --> 00:10:48,065
Just to catch you up on what The Grey is,
210
00:10:48,148 --> 00:10:52,695
that is a movie where Liam Neeson
fights wolves with his bare hands...
211
00:10:54,071 --> 00:10:55,739
after a plane crash.
212
00:10:57,282 --> 00:11:00,452
That's how tough he got in his own head
after the third Taken.
213
00:11:03,330 --> 00:11:04,832
He called a meeting, and he was like,
214
00:11:04,915 --> 00:11:06,709
[in Irish accent]
"I want to fight wolves."
215
00:11:08,085 --> 00:11:10,421
They're like,
"Will you use a sword or a knife?"
216
00:11:10,504 --> 00:11:13,006
He's like, "No, tiny liquor bottles."
217
00:11:15,759 --> 00:11:18,345
Here's another benefit of my wolf policy.
218
00:11:18,887 --> 00:11:22,724
One month after the wolves are released,
there will be no need for CrossFit.
219
00:11:22,808 --> 00:11:24,017
It'll shut down.
220
00:11:24,768 --> 00:11:27,771
CrossFit will go out.
God, you guys tightened up on that one.
221
00:11:29,815 --> 00:11:33,402
I think I underestimated the popularity
of CrossFit in Los Angeles.
222
00:11:33,986 --> 00:11:37,489
Like, "What the hell do you mean?
My core is as strong as ever."
223
00:11:40,659 --> 00:11:45,038
They opened a CrossFit directly across
the street from my house in Queens.
224
00:11:45,122 --> 00:11:47,166
So now, every afternoon,
225
00:11:47,249 --> 00:11:50,002
I get high, and I watch people flip tires.
226
00:11:50,878 --> 00:11:52,421
It's fun. It's fun.
227
00:11:53,714 --> 00:11:55,841
I feel like a shitty construction foreman.
228
00:11:56,633 --> 00:11:58,844
Like, "Keep building!
229
00:11:59,511 --> 00:12:01,221
I'm gonna nap again."
230
00:12:01,972 --> 00:12:04,433
It has so much "tank top confidence"
for one place,
231
00:12:04,516 --> 00:12:06,935
it fucks up the energy
of the neighborhood.
232
00:12:07,603 --> 00:12:09,771
That's what it is.
"Tank top confidence"...
233
00:12:09,855 --> 00:12:12,483
Ladies, I don't know if you know,
men's body issues...
234
00:12:13,192 --> 00:12:16,236
Like, "tank top confidence"
means you are doing well.
235
00:12:16,320 --> 00:12:17,654
[audience laughs]
236
00:12:17,738 --> 00:12:21,116
I'm down at "T-shirt in a pool" level.
That's where...
237
00:12:22,993 --> 00:12:25,787
"Take off the shirt."
I'm like, "I can't. I'm sunburned!"
238
00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:28,957
Then you get to "tank top confidence."
239
00:12:29,041 --> 00:12:31,543
Beyond that,
it goes to "jewelry confidence."
240
00:12:32,044 --> 00:12:34,171
If you're a man
who can wear a lot of jewelry,
241
00:12:34,254 --> 00:12:35,923
that's a shit-ton of confidence.
242
00:12:36,548 --> 00:12:39,676
Above that
is "jewelry in a tank top" confidence.
243
00:12:41,386 --> 00:12:45,432
At that point, you're exclusively fucking
in front of mirrors. That's what I...
244
00:12:45,933 --> 00:12:47,851
Like, you only fuck in front of a mirror.
245
00:12:48,894 --> 00:12:50,896
I do not. I cover up all my mirrors.
246
00:12:50,979 --> 00:12:52,356
[audience laughs]
247
00:12:52,898 --> 00:12:55,317
When I fuck, I sit Shiva.
That's what it's like.
248
00:12:57,444 --> 00:13:00,072
A couple people caught
the Jewish funeral reference.
249
00:13:01,865 --> 00:13:04,159
Yeah, I don't know.
Like, there are levels.
250
00:13:04,243 --> 00:13:08,580
The highest level of male confidence is,
when you reach the final stage,
251
00:13:08,664 --> 00:13:10,874
you just grow a man bun
and become an asshole.
252
00:13:10,958 --> 00:13:12,000
That's what happens.
253
00:13:12,626 --> 00:13:13,794
[audience member whoops]
254
00:13:13,877 --> 00:13:15,921
Sorry.
I felt half the crowd checked out on that.
255
00:13:16,672 --> 00:13:19,299
I knew that was gonna happen.
I knew that would happen.
256
00:13:20,342 --> 00:13:21,468
I will not be surprised
257
00:13:21,552 --> 00:13:24,680
if there are four shitty samurais
waiting for me after the show.
258
00:13:25,013 --> 00:13:27,891
"Better rubber band up
halfway through your little skit."
259
00:13:30,102 --> 00:13:33,397
I'll give the man bun this:
at least you see it coming. That's nice.
260
00:13:34,314 --> 00:13:35,941
A guy turns the corner in a man bun.
261
00:13:36,024 --> 00:13:37,234
You're like, "OK...
262
00:13:37,943 --> 00:13:39,528
I don't like you."
263
00:13:40,487 --> 00:13:43,490
It's better than the ponytail.
That's a sneaky-ass haircut.
264
00:13:44,491 --> 00:13:46,827
Have you ever had
a long conversation with a man
265
00:13:46,910 --> 00:13:48,704
and then realized he had a ponytail?
266
00:13:49,329 --> 00:13:51,248
It's a fucking game changer.
267
00:13:52,666 --> 00:13:55,544
First half of the conversation,
I'm gripped on every word.
268
00:13:55,627 --> 00:13:57,796
Like,
"This guy has really got it together.
269
00:13:58,422 --> 00:14:00,799
His hair is all slicked back,
270
00:14:01,425 --> 00:14:04,219
like a successful basketball coach."
271
00:14:04,303 --> 00:14:05,721
[audience laughs]
272
00:14:06,972 --> 00:14:10,183
Then he turns his head,
and I'm like, "Oh, fuck you! A ponytail?"
273
00:14:13,020 --> 00:14:15,063
He'd better be a taekwondo instructor.
274
00:14:17,024 --> 00:14:19,776
I don't know. That's so much confidence.
275
00:14:19,860 --> 00:14:22,029
I think that's where catcalling came from.
276
00:14:22,112 --> 00:14:23,864
It was that level of confidence.
277
00:14:24,239 --> 00:14:26,116
If you don't know what catcalling is,
278
00:14:26,199 --> 00:14:30,120
women in the streets are being verbally,
sexually harassed by men.
279
00:14:30,787 --> 00:14:33,540
As a man, I do find it disgusting.
280
00:14:33,624 --> 00:14:36,960
And, as a man, I am blown away...
281
00:14:38,211 --> 00:14:39,755
by the confidence...
282
00:14:40,631 --> 00:14:42,007
those men possess...
283
00:14:43,467 --> 00:14:45,052
in their penises,
284
00:14:45,510 --> 00:14:47,930
that their initial reaction
to a beautiful woman
285
00:14:48,013 --> 00:14:50,223
is just to shout and offer dick.
286
00:14:51,099 --> 00:14:52,309
That's crazy.
287
00:14:52,935 --> 00:14:57,606
They see a hot girl. "I'm gonna fuck you!"
That's nuts! That's nuts!
288
00:14:57,981 --> 00:15:01,193
I always react to beautiful women
like I just missed the subway.
289
00:15:01,276 --> 00:15:03,695
I'm like, "Oh...
290
00:15:04,363 --> 00:15:05,906
Goddamn it.
291
00:15:07,991 --> 00:15:09,117
Fuck!"
292
00:15:09,201 --> 00:15:10,619
[audience laughs]
293
00:15:12,329 --> 00:15:14,206
Then someone walks a fat bulldog by me.
294
00:15:14,289 --> 00:15:16,917
I'm like, "Look at that ass.
I'm gonna grab that ass.
295
00:15:18,669 --> 00:15:20,337
You better shake that shit.
296
00:15:21,546 --> 00:15:23,215
You are all English."
297
00:15:26,468 --> 00:15:28,720
Yeah, I don't know. I'm fucked.
298
00:15:30,555 --> 00:15:34,518
I'm fucked. I'm a pothead and I'm single.
It's a terrible combination.
299
00:15:35,102 --> 00:15:38,271
Drunk guys are good at being single
because they're confident. They're numb.
300
00:15:38,855 --> 00:15:41,858
They make eye contact with a woman
at a bar, they're like, "She wants it."
301
00:15:44,277 --> 00:15:45,404
I'm high all the time.
302
00:15:45,487 --> 00:15:48,490
If I make eye contact with a woman,
I'm like, "She heard all my thoughts!
303
00:15:50,575 --> 00:15:52,119
Run!
304
00:15:52,869 --> 00:15:54,871
Run to the nearest blanket!"
305
00:15:54,955 --> 00:15:56,206
[audience laughs]
306
00:15:58,834 --> 00:16:01,545
My friend tried setting me up
with her friend recently.
307
00:16:01,628 --> 00:16:04,756
We were gonna go on a date
and then the girl texted me,
308
00:16:04,840 --> 00:16:07,718
"Is it a problem if I bring my two cats?"
309
00:16:09,052 --> 00:16:10,971
That's the definition of a problem.
310
00:16:12,431 --> 00:16:14,766
Why would that ever be a good idea?
311
00:16:15,225 --> 00:16:17,728
To bring two of the most agile animals
to a first...?
312
00:16:19,521 --> 00:16:22,399
I appreciate she led with the crazy,
though. That was nice.
313
00:16:22,983 --> 00:16:26,445
Just right up front, like, "I'm
a cat lady." Alright. Good for you.
314
00:16:27,571 --> 00:16:30,907
I feel like dating would be a lot more
successful if we led with crazy.
315
00:16:31,450 --> 00:16:34,536
Seeing if they stick around
after you say all the insane shit.
316
00:16:36,038 --> 00:16:38,832
On the first date:
"How do you feel about night terrors?
317
00:16:41,501 --> 00:16:44,713
Because if this goes well,
I will wake you up in three months...
318
00:16:45,422 --> 00:16:47,340
screaming at the wall."
319
00:16:49,593 --> 00:16:52,721
She's like, "I'm in."
You're like, "Let's see where this goes."
320
00:16:53,972 --> 00:16:55,474
I'm not good at relationships.
321
00:16:55,557 --> 00:16:59,061
Last year, I went through two break-ups
with the same girl.
322
00:17:00,645 --> 00:17:02,272
Yeah. That's a real fun one.
323
00:17:03,482 --> 00:17:07,152
You ever broken up with someone
and just trashed them to all your friends?
324
00:17:07,652 --> 00:17:10,489
Then you show up with them, like, "Hey!
325
00:17:10,572 --> 00:17:11,823
[audience laughs]
326
00:17:14,201 --> 00:17:16,912
Let's keep what I said between us, huh?
327
00:17:18,288 --> 00:17:20,582
I got pretty fucking honest back there."
328
00:17:21,958 --> 00:17:23,585
She dumped me the first time.
329
00:17:23,919 --> 00:17:25,378
I got her the second time.
330
00:17:26,630 --> 00:17:28,381
Yeah. I'm a bigger fan of the sequel.
331
00:17:30,467 --> 00:17:31,885
There are these things in...
332
00:17:31,968 --> 00:17:34,387
I live in New York
where there are "Nor'easters"
333
00:17:34,471 --> 00:17:35,972
that we get on the East Coast,
334
00:17:36,056 --> 00:17:38,600
where it's a mix of a blizzard
and a hurricane.
335
00:17:38,683 --> 00:17:40,268
It's some apocalypse shit.
336
00:17:41,728 --> 00:17:43,980
And it's just like a driving blizzard.
337
00:17:44,064 --> 00:17:48,485
One hit New York last January,
and it shut the city down for three days.
338
00:17:48,944 --> 00:17:51,279
She dumped me right before that blizzard.
339
00:17:51,363 --> 00:17:52,322
[audience] Aww!
340
00:17:52,405 --> 00:17:53,824
It's a coincidence.
341
00:17:54,783 --> 00:17:59,204
Or, it's the most diabolical way
to break up with someone.
342
00:17:59,913 --> 00:18:01,957
She studied a weather pattern.
343
00:18:03,208 --> 00:18:06,211
It was like, "There's a cold gust
colliding with a warm front.
344
00:18:06,920 --> 00:18:07,963
Perfect.
345
00:18:09,131 --> 00:18:13,093
I'll snap this motherfucker's heart
before he's locked inside for three days."
346
00:18:14,511 --> 00:18:18,014
She broke up with me. I was just
trapped in doors with my emotions.
347
00:18:19,057 --> 00:18:22,602
I did what any man would do.
I smoked a fistful of mediocre weed.
348
00:18:23,436 --> 00:18:26,064
Then I watched
all of Making a Murderer, which...
349
00:18:26,148 --> 00:18:27,524
[audience applauds]
350
00:18:27,607 --> 00:18:29,276
No, no...
351
00:18:29,693 --> 00:18:31,820
That might be
the worst decision I've ever made.
352
00:18:32,571 --> 00:18:35,740
I have never been heartbroken,
stoned, alone, crying,
353
00:18:35,824 --> 00:18:39,035
talking to myself like
a wrongly-convicted Wisconsin teenager.
354
00:18:40,537 --> 00:18:42,414
That's a new form of heartbreak.
355
00:18:43,039 --> 00:18:46,251
Just walking around the house like,
"Did she love you or not?"
356
00:18:47,335 --> 00:18:48,920
"I don't know.
357
00:18:50,338 --> 00:18:52,382
I don't know."
358
00:18:53,425 --> 00:18:55,260
I had to dig my way out of heartbreak.
359
00:18:56,094 --> 00:18:57,512
I learned a valuable lesson.
360
00:18:57,596 --> 00:19:00,932
I learned no one can tell you're crying
when you're shoveling snow.
361
00:19:03,643 --> 00:19:06,188
It's legitimately
the perfect outdoor activity for crying.
362
00:19:06,521 --> 00:19:08,398
When you're standing there, like...
363
00:19:08,481 --> 00:19:10,066
[cries]
364
00:19:10,817 --> 00:19:14,279
...the trick is to emote on the down scoop
like, "She's gone!"
365
00:19:17,365 --> 00:19:20,827
All my neighbors are like, "This guy
really wants that sidewalk clear."
366
00:19:23,622 --> 00:19:25,624
I got back together with her,
because I'm weak.
367
00:19:27,542 --> 00:19:29,753
I talked a lot of shit
after the first breakup.
368
00:19:30,128 --> 00:19:31,922
"I'm never gonna talk to her again."
369
00:19:32,380 --> 00:19:34,257
She said, "You wanna hang out?"
"Yes."
370
00:19:34,341 --> 00:19:36,218
[audience laughs]
371
00:19:36,301 --> 00:19:37,719
We dated for two more months.
372
00:19:37,802 --> 00:19:43,350
And then I broke up with her
because she is a terrible person and...
373
00:19:44,267 --> 00:19:46,311
Most of you are friends with her. Awesome.
374
00:19:48,730 --> 00:19:51,358
This audience reacts
like we're at a fucking birthday party.
375
00:19:53,568 --> 00:19:56,071
"How could you?
Right before cake, how could you?"
376
00:19:56,738 --> 00:19:58,907
No one knows
they're with a terrible person.
377
00:19:58,990 --> 00:20:01,868
You don't know you're with
a stack of shit until you get out.
378
00:20:02,285 --> 00:20:04,079
It's like living in a house
that's haunted.
379
00:20:06,456 --> 00:20:09,709
At first, you're like,
"It's beautiful. It's available?"
380
00:20:10,168 --> 00:20:11,670
It's right in our range."
381
00:20:13,922 --> 00:20:17,717
You move in and after a week, the walls
start bleeding. "That's kind of weird."
382
00:20:17,801 --> 00:20:19,135
[audience laughs]
383
00:20:20,887 --> 00:20:22,514
Then the furniture gets tossed around.
384
00:20:22,597 --> 00:20:24,933
You're like,
"I don't know if I feel safe here."
385
00:20:25,976 --> 00:20:27,227
Then you finally get out,
386
00:20:27,310 --> 00:20:30,855
and you're like,
"Oh! That was a portal to hell.
387
00:20:31,898 --> 00:20:33,400
OK. Alright."
388
00:20:33,483 --> 00:20:34,818
[audience applauds]
389
00:20:39,656 --> 00:20:42,826
The entire time we dated, I was like,
"I love how sarcastic she is.
390
00:20:44,327 --> 00:20:46,288
She's so sarcastic."
391
00:20:46,871 --> 00:20:50,667
After a month of us being broken up, I
was like, "I think she meant all of that.
392
00:20:53,336 --> 00:20:54,671
She's a mean person."
393
00:20:55,714 --> 00:20:58,174
I don't think she's mean.
She was a wealthy person.
394
00:20:58,591 --> 00:21:00,635
I've never dated a wealthy person before.
395
00:21:00,719 --> 00:21:04,264
I learned they're very cold on the inside.
396
00:21:05,598 --> 00:21:08,852
They hate emotion,
because that's what poor people love with.
397
00:21:09,352 --> 00:21:10,729
[audience laughs]
398
00:21:11,980 --> 00:21:14,691
I'm finding out everyone's
tax brackets tonight, huh?
399
00:21:15,734 --> 00:21:18,528
Some of you are doing
pretty fucking well for yourselves.
400
00:21:19,529 --> 00:21:22,866
A lot of you clammed up, like,
"What do you mean that's what they use?
401
00:21:24,284 --> 00:21:26,328
What an inefficient fuel source."
402
00:21:30,415 --> 00:21:33,418
I cried in front of her once. I felt
like a dog shitting on her carpet.
403
00:21:34,461 --> 00:21:37,339
She was like,
"Go outside. Don't do that inside.
404
00:21:37,422 --> 00:21:40,175
Which poor person
is crying on my carpet?
405
00:21:41,176 --> 00:21:43,595
Rub his nose in it.
I don't want him to do it again."
406
00:21:45,055 --> 00:21:49,100
She hated that I grew up without money.
But she'd never say it. That's the trick.
407
00:21:49,184 --> 00:21:52,771
She just hated shit that I liked
that reminded her I grew up without money.
408
00:21:53,438 --> 00:21:56,608
I told her that I like
ranch salad dressing.
409
00:21:59,194 --> 00:22:00,612
Because it's delicious.
410
00:22:02,030 --> 00:22:05,367
It turns out I might as well have told her
that I eat human shit.
411
00:22:06,618 --> 00:22:08,078
She's like, "You like ranch?"
412
00:22:08,161 --> 00:22:10,705
And I'm like, "No, no, no. I love it.
413
00:22:12,499 --> 00:22:14,793
It's from Hidden Valley. It's the best."
414
00:22:16,878 --> 00:22:19,214
What, you think I like
that Wish-Bone bullshit?
415
00:22:19,881 --> 00:22:22,550
It's gas station ranch.
Get the fuck out of here!
416
00:22:22,634 --> 00:22:24,427
[audience member applauds]
417
00:22:24,511 --> 00:22:27,305
I want it from the Valley,
and I want it kept a secret.
418
00:22:29,224 --> 00:22:31,101
I'm a ranch hardliner.
419
00:22:32,185 --> 00:22:35,021
I like professional wrestling.
She fucking hated that.
420
00:22:35,105 --> 00:22:36,523
She hated it.
421
00:22:36,606 --> 00:22:38,942
Three lonely men are like, "Yeah.
422
00:22:40,443 --> 00:22:42,987
Yeah, Mania will be awesome!"
423
00:22:44,572 --> 00:22:47,242
Ladies, listen, I get it that it's silly,
424
00:22:47,325 --> 00:22:50,036
that I'm a grown man
who likes professional wrestling.
425
00:22:50,120 --> 00:22:52,956
I know it's silly,
but don't treat me like I'm dumb.
426
00:22:54,082 --> 00:22:55,917
She was like, "You know it's fake?"
427
00:22:57,252 --> 00:22:58,253
"Yeah."
428
00:22:59,712 --> 00:23:01,631
[as woman] "You know they're on steroids?"
429
00:23:02,841 --> 00:23:03,716
"Yeah."
430
00:23:05,218 --> 00:23:09,848
I'm sorry, do steroids ruin the integrity
of a fake fight for you?
431
00:23:09,931 --> 00:23:11,558
[audience laughs]
432
00:23:12,809 --> 00:23:16,437
I hate to fuck you up right now,
but The Undertaker's never been dead.
433
00:23:16,521 --> 00:23:17,689
Not once.
434
00:23:17,772 --> 00:23:19,524
He's been alive the entire time.
435
00:23:19,607 --> 00:23:21,317
It's like an opposite Sixth Sense.
436
00:23:25,029 --> 00:23:26,489
The truth is, I'm just bitter.
437
00:23:27,824 --> 00:23:29,367
I liked her. I liked her a lot.
438
00:23:29,450 --> 00:23:30,702
And we broke up
439
00:23:30,785 --> 00:23:34,038
before I could get to the best part
of dating a wealthy girl:
440
00:23:34,622 --> 00:23:38,418
that part where her dad offers me a check
to stay away from her.
441
00:23:38,501 --> 00:23:40,128
[audience cheers]
442
00:23:40,211 --> 00:23:43,131
I thought that's what they do
to poor boyfriends in movies.
443
00:23:43,631 --> 00:23:47,677
Like, "How much money
is it gonna take for you to go away?"
444
00:23:47,760 --> 00:23:49,470
[audience laughs]
445
00:23:50,597 --> 00:23:51,598
One Verizon bill.
446
00:23:54,809 --> 00:23:56,644
You pay for May, I'll fuck off.
447
00:23:57,604 --> 00:23:58,771
Right now.
448
00:23:58,855 --> 00:24:00,440
I went way over my data.
449
00:24:01,691 --> 00:24:04,319
One thing I respect,
that I learned about wealthy people,
450
00:24:04,402 --> 00:24:06,821
is they are upfront and honest
about their greed.
451
00:24:06,905 --> 00:24:08,364
They're like, "I love money."
452
00:24:08,448 --> 00:24:09,782
You're like, "Alright.
453
00:24:11,242 --> 00:24:12,785
Good for you, I guess."
454
00:24:13,286 --> 00:24:17,165
Sometimes we lie to ourselves with
how important money is in this country.
455
00:24:17,540 --> 00:24:21,669
There's always that thing. We're like,
"In America, number one is family."
456
00:24:24,672 --> 00:24:25,548
Is it?
457
00:24:27,091 --> 00:24:28,176
Is it?
458
00:24:29,385 --> 00:24:30,511
We lie to ourselves.
459
00:24:30,595 --> 00:24:34,682
I think the number one in America
is money.
460
00:24:35,391 --> 00:24:37,769
The very distant second: family.
461
00:24:39,562 --> 00:24:41,356
That's not my personal outlook.
462
00:24:41,439 --> 00:24:44,442
I'm saying, if you watch the news,
that's the feeling you get.
463
00:24:44,525 --> 00:24:47,695
You always see news stories
where someone dies in a fucked up way.
464
00:24:47,779 --> 00:24:50,156
And their family sues a major company
465
00:24:50,573 --> 00:24:52,075
and gets a shit-ton of money.
466
00:24:53,076 --> 00:24:55,995
Then one asshole in the family
goes in front of the news, sad,
467
00:24:56,579 --> 00:24:59,540
like, "This $75 million...
468
00:25:02,043 --> 00:25:03,211
will never...
469
00:25:04,087 --> 00:25:05,588
replace...
470
00:25:06,130 --> 00:25:08,049
my Uncle David.
471
00:25:08,132 --> 00:25:09,133
[audience laughs]
472
00:25:09,217 --> 00:25:10,134
Bullshit.
473
00:25:10,885 --> 00:25:12,011
It's bullshit.
474
00:25:12,512 --> 00:25:13,638
Bullshit.
475
00:25:14,180 --> 00:25:16,975
I've never met that guy,
but that's a lot of fucking money.
476
00:25:17,600 --> 00:25:21,771
I love my mom more than anybody.
She raised me completely by herself.
477
00:25:22,605 --> 00:25:24,524
For $55 million, you could take her out.
478
00:25:26,317 --> 00:25:28,987
I'll build her a statue,
and I'll visit it every day...
479
00:25:29,946 --> 00:25:31,781
wearing my new mink coat.
480
00:25:32,824 --> 00:25:34,951
Like, "I miss you, Momsie.
481
00:25:36,828 --> 00:25:39,038
I'm gonna go fly somewhere warm now."
482
00:25:40,665 --> 00:25:42,125
Outside of my grandma and mom,
483
00:25:42,208 --> 00:25:45,211
I'm not sure anyone in my family
is worth more than $2 million.
484
00:25:46,629 --> 00:25:50,049
Are we being completely honest?
$1,000. You can take the entire...
485
00:25:50,133 --> 00:25:52,719
I'm at garage sale prices
with most of those people.
486
00:25:53,344 --> 00:25:55,805
My cousin in Oakland
has a five-year-old daughter
487
00:25:55,888 --> 00:25:58,308
who's the meanest person
I've ever met in my life.
488
00:25:59,309 --> 00:26:02,312
You could take that tiny, vicious bitch
for 20 bucks.
489
00:26:02,395 --> 00:26:04,230
[audience applauds]
490
00:26:04,314 --> 00:26:06,107
Not my seed, not my problem.
491
00:26:07,275 --> 00:26:08,735
She's a bad person.
492
00:26:09,360 --> 00:26:10,778
No one stops it.
493
00:26:12,030 --> 00:26:14,490
No one pulls her aside
and says, "Stop being mean."
494
00:26:15,199 --> 00:26:18,244
They pad these excuses on top
to allow her to be that way.
495
00:26:18,619 --> 00:26:20,663
They walk around like, "Isn't she sassy?
496
00:26:22,874 --> 00:26:24,542
She's so sassy."
497
00:26:25,543 --> 00:26:26,919
Nah, she's a piece of shit.
498
00:26:27,545 --> 00:26:28,796
I'm sorry, but...
499
00:26:28,880 --> 00:26:32,300
I've looked in her eyes. She's
a broken person. I don't know what it is.
500
00:26:32,842 --> 00:26:37,096
My grandma calls her a diva. That's
the one I've never fucking understood.
501
00:26:37,513 --> 00:26:40,224
This little girl will be a monster
to my grandma's face,
502
00:26:40,308 --> 00:26:42,643
and she'll walk out the room like,
"What a diva!"
503
00:26:43,311 --> 00:26:45,271
She doesn't have five platinum albums.
504
00:26:46,606 --> 00:26:50,485
She's never sold out the Apollo.
She's a fucking mean, tiny person.
505
00:26:51,611 --> 00:26:54,155
She's a prequel to an asshole.
That's all she is.
506
00:26:54,238 --> 00:26:55,698
[audience laughs]
507
00:26:55,782 --> 00:26:56,949
Last year at Thanksgiving,
508
00:26:57,033 --> 00:26:59,202
she walks up to me
in the middle of the meal and goes,
509
00:26:59,285 --> 00:27:00,703
"Why are you still talking?"
510
00:27:01,329 --> 00:27:03,998
That's it. That's it.
511
00:27:04,082 --> 00:27:07,335
I'm 33, she's 5.
She shut me down. I had nothing.
512
00:27:07,418 --> 00:27:11,255
I had nothing. I just went out back
and shadowboxed for seven minutes.
513
00:27:11,339 --> 00:27:12,673
[audience laughs]
514
00:27:13,466 --> 00:27:16,928
I was in the backyard thinking of
comebacks like it was fucking 8 Mile.
515
00:27:18,596 --> 00:27:21,015
[audience applauds]
516
00:27:23,393 --> 00:27:26,229
Well, I know who your real dad is!
I can't...
517
00:27:26,312 --> 00:27:27,230
[audience groans]
518
00:27:27,313 --> 00:27:29,065
You guys were a lot of fun. Thank you.
519
00:27:29,148 --> 00:27:31,025
[audience applauds]
520
00:27:31,109 --> 00:27:32,402
Thanks for coming out.
521
00:27:33,486 --> 00:27:35,196
Have a good night. Bye, everybody!
522
00:27:35,279 --> 00:27:37,323
[announcer] Give it up for Dan Soder!
523
00:27:37,407 --> 00:27:39,575
["Telegram Sam" by T-Rex playing]