-In my head, kind of like... -[man] Hey, Dan. You're up.
OK. I'll see you later.
["Telegram Sam" by T-Rex playing]
♪...with my corkscrew hair ♪
[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage... Dan Soder!
♪ Telegram Sam ♪
♪ You're my main man ♪
♪ Telegram Sam ♪
♪ You're my main man ♪
Thank you.
[audience applauds]
Oh, stop it. Thank you so much.
[audience cheers]
You guys!
You're lying!
Hello, everyone.
Just to let you know about me, I live with a roommate
because my career is good.
[audience laughs]
Not great. A lot of SkyMiles.
I also share a bathroom with a full grown man, so...
I didn't know...
On Mother's Day last year, I didn't know he was home.
And he heard me, in the living room,
use my "Grandma voice"
on the phone with my grandma.
So now I'm the beta in the apartment.
It's hard to act tough when another man's heard your grandma voice.
"Did you drink all the milk?" [as roommate] "You love your nana."
The softest I can be is on the phone with my 89-year-old grandma.
The sweetest I can be, as a human being, is when I call her.
Everyone changes their voice when they call their grandma.
If you don't, you're shattered on an emotional level.
This isn't the voice I talk to her in. I'm not a dickhead.
I don't call her, like, "Hey, Nana. It's your special little boy." I don't do that.
I go seven octaves up. I throw some honey on that shit.
[squeaky voice] "Hi, Nana. It's me!
I'm still a little boy!
I don't have hair on my ding-ding."
And shit like that.
She's gonna think I'm six until the very end.
Yeah. That's a good test, ladies.
Have your boyfriend call his grandma in front of you.
See the kind of man you're putting inside of you.
[audience laughs]
Just saying, it's a good litmus test.
More than likely,
you have nothing to worry about and he has a great Grandma voice.
You should maybe marry him.
You are running a chance that he might call her and be like,
[deep voice] "Where's that $5 check in my birthday card?"
[as woman] "I am fucking a monster."
[deep voice] "Next time I see you, Wrinkles, it's gonna be all hip punches."
[audience laughs]
We've got a problem here.
I love my grandma. I love her very much.
I love her so much, I've never gotten high while visiting her.
Yeah. If you know me, that is a major accomplishment.
Also, there's not a better time to be high
than when you're with an 89-year-old person.
They move at the exact same pace as potheads.
Sober, I get annoyed at how long it takes my grandma to stir an iced tea.
Stoned?
I just see a thorough stirrer, that's all I see.
You're really gonna enjoy that iced tea, Nana. You worked very hard on it.
Sometimes I think about getting high with my grandma.
Whoa!
Can't wait till the cataracts get that bad.
Just blow it in her face, like a cat.
She'll be like, "Dan? Dan?
Dan, I'm ripped!"
Both of us get into her soap operas.
I'm like, "Devon wasn't dead the entire time?"
She's like, "I know!"
It's a mind fuck!
I don't even jerk off when I visit my grandma.
Yes, you're right, I am the greatest grandson of all time.
It's such a divisive sentence.
You say that to women and they're like, "OK...
Fucking zoo animal!"
You say that sentence to men and they're like, "Bullshit!
Absolute bullshit.
There's no way you don't."
I've never jerked... Never, ever! I've wanted to. I've had to.
But I didn't.
There are multiple reasons why I don't. Here's a hypothetical...
What if I'm mid-jerk,
and I just catch a grandma smell?
That could fuck some shit up.
[audience groans]
That will fry some wires.
Sit in a warm shower, trying to work one out.
"Is that lavender? Why do I smell lavender?
I don't wanna finish this.
I want a warm cookie and a story about my dad when he was a boy."
Sorry I had to come out with jerking off at Grandma material at the top.
I am a 33-year old pothead.
[audience members cheer]
No...
not really.
And I liked the delayed claps. That's fun.
Those are lifers.
They're like, "What?"
[audience laughs]
It's not as cool as it used to be, when I was a teenager.
Now I'm just an older stoner, I'm starting to talk like a pothead.
That's not cool...
at all.
I thought I'd beat that.
They show you that video when you're young, of potheads,
and it's always the same, stereotypical voice:
[high-pitched voice] "Hey, man."
Like, I'm not...
I'm not gonna fucking talk like that. I'm not a dickhead.
About a month ago, I witnessed a car accident right in front of my face.
My only reaction was...
"Oh!
No!
What?
That's a lot of metal.
I am hungry."
Then I left, because the police were on their way.
And I...
I clearly had weed on me.
I still play video games,
which I catch a lot of shit about from my friends' wives.
[deep voice] Because I ain't got no wife to tell me what to do!
[audience laughs]
One of my friend's wives talks shit to my face all the time.
She's like, "You're 33. You should stop playing video games."
Like, "Yeah, you have a DVR full of The Real Housewives
of some shit city I don't care about.
You're gonna watch seven hours of cat-faced women
throw wine onto each other.
Last Tuesday, I won a Super Bowl."
[audience applauds]
-So... -[audience member] Get out of here!
A little respect, OK?
Now, it's better.
Video games... It depends on what kind of lazy you are.
We're all laying around looking at our phones.
It's what life is now.
Sometimes I get scared, so that's why I play video games.
I know. You know...
I get scared of McDonald's commercials.
McDonald's is starting to sell its food as actual food.
That's very off-putting.
All their commercials now are like, "McDonalds. Now it's real."
[audience laughs]
What was it?
Don't worry, it's real now!
I've been putting it in my body for 30 years!
It's why I like Taco Bell. "Taco Bell, are you real food?"
Like, no. "Crunchy." Alright.
Good side step.
That's a solid side step.
I heard you guys use cat meat. "Do you want a Fourth Meal?" "I do!"
I have no further questions.
That's what it is, man. Phones are just...
They fuck us up. I get scared. I read shit that freaks me out.
I read a news article recently that said top geologists believe Miami, Florida
will be completely under water in 25 years.
Gone.
That's insane that there are gonna be history classes
where they're teaching kids about the lost city of Miami.
[audience laughs]
Students will be like,
"Hey, what were the people doing as their city just slipped into the sea?"
Cocaine and rollerblading. Mostly.
There...
There were a lot of pool parties with deejays at them.
That's...
kind of insensitive, in hindsight.
It just makes me wonder
if Atlantis was the douche bag city before it went under water.
You're like, "I've got a cousin who lives in Atlanta. She's a party promoter."
You're like, "Oh!
What a dickwad."
I think technology is tearing us apart.
It's the worst thing to happen to humanity.
We're too vulnerable for technology.
We're the only self-loathing species on this planet.
Technology proves it.
We're the only species that walks around like, "I hate myself."
It's lonely!
It would be nice to know there's a horse somewhere in a field,
saying, "You know what? I'm gonna start running tomorrow.
I'm gonna cut down on carrots.
I'm gonna stop shitting everywhere I walk.
I wanna have butt cheeks that fall right out."
I live in New York City. No one looks up from their phones... ever!
It's creepy.
No one looks up from their phones
in historically one of the most dangerous cities in the United States.
No one's looking up.
Yellowstone National Park, 20 years ago, introduced a pack of Canadian wolves,
and it completely changed the ecosystem for the better.
That's what we need to do in New York.
Just 12 packs of wolves, let them go.
No one would look down at their phone. No one!
You'd have a death wish to look at your phone,
or be the toughest person alive.
"What the hell is he doing?" "He's checking Twitter."
"What a badass!"
[audience laughs]
I'll get to be Liam Neeson in The Grey. That's pretty awesome.
I forgot most of you have jobs,
and don't smoke weed and watch movies all day.
Just to catch you up on what The Grey is,
that is a movie where Liam Neeson fights wolves with his bare hands...
after a plane crash.
That's how tough he got in his own head after the third Taken.
He called a meeting, and he was like,
[in Irish accent] "I want to fight wolves."
They're like, "Will you use a sword or a knife?"
He's like, "No, tiny liquor bottles."
Here's another benefit of my wolf policy.
One month after the wolves are released, there will be no need for CrossFit.
It'll shut down.
CrossFit will go out. God, you guys tightened up on that one.
I think I underestimated the popularity of CrossFit in Los Angeles.
Like, "What the hell do you mean? My core is as strong as ever."
They opened a CrossFit directly across the street from my house in Queens.
So now, every afternoon,
I get high, and I watch people flip tires.
It's fun. It's fun.
I feel like a shitty construction foreman.
Like, "Keep building!
I'm gonna nap again."
It has so much "tank top confidence" for one place,
it fucks up the energy of the neighborhood.
That's what it is. "Tank top confidence"...
Ladies, I don't know if you know, men's body issues...
Like, "tank top confidence" means you are doing well.
[audience laughs]
I'm down at "T-shirt in a pool" level. That's where...
"Take off the shirt." I'm like, "I can't. I'm sunburned!"
Then you get to "tank top confidence."
Beyond that, it goes to "jewelry confidence."
If you're a man who can wear a lot of jewelry,
that's a shit-ton of confidence.
Above that is "jewelry in a tank top" confidence.
At that point, you're exclusively fucking in front of mirrors. That's what I...
Like, you only fuck in front of a mirror.
I do not. I cover up all my mirrors.
[audience laughs]
When I fuck, I sit Shiva. That's what it's like.
A couple people caught the Jewish funeral reference.
Yeah, I don't know. Like, there are levels.
The highest level of male confidence is, when you reach the final stage,
you just grow a man bun and become an asshole.
That's what happens.
[audience member whoops]
Sorry. I felt half the crowd checked out on that.
I knew that was gonna happen. I knew that would happen.
I will not be surprised
if there are four shitty samurais waiting for me after the show.
"Better rubber band up halfway through your little skit."
I'll give the man bun this: at least you see it coming. That's nice.
A guy turns the corner in a man bun.
You're like, "OK...
I don't like you."
It's better than the ponytail. That's a sneaky-ass haircut.
Have you ever had a long conversation with a man
and then realized he had a ponytail?
It's a fucking game changer.
First half of the conversation, I'm gripped on every word.
Like, "This guy has really got it together.
His hair is all slicked back,
like a successful basketball coach."
[audience laughs]
Then he turns his head, and I'm like, "Oh, fuck you! A ponytail?"
He'd better be a taekwondo instructor.
I don't know. That's so much confidence.
I think that's where catcalling came from.
It was that level of confidence.
If you don't know what catcalling is,
women in the streets are being verbally, sexually harassed by men.
As a man, I do find it disgusting.
And, as a man, I am blown away...
by the confidence...
those men possess...
in their penises,
that their initial reaction to a beautiful woman
is just to shout and offer dick.
That's crazy.
They see a hot girl. "I'm gonna fuck you!" That's nuts! That's nuts!
I always react to beautiful women like I just missed the subway.
I'm like, "Oh...
Goddamn it.
Fuck!"
[audience laughs]
Then someone walks a fat bulldog by me.
I'm like, "Look at that ass. I'm gonna grab that ass.
You better shake that shit.
You are all English."
Yeah, I don't know. I'm fucked.
I'm fucked. I'm a pothead and I'm single. It's a terrible combination.
Drunk guys are good at being single because they're confident. They're numb.
They make eye contact with a woman at a bar, they're like, "She wants it."
I'm high all the time.
If I make eye contact with a woman, I'm like, "She heard all my thoughts!
Run!
Run to the nearest blanket!"
[audience laughs]
My friend tried setting me up with her friend recently.
We were gonna go on a date and then the girl texted me,
"Is it a problem if I bring my two cats?"
That's the definition of a problem.
Why would that ever be a good idea?
To bring two of the most agile animals to a first...?
I appreciate she led with the crazy, though. That was nice.
Just right up front, like, "I'm a cat lady." Alright. Good for you.
I feel like dating would be a lot more successful if we led with crazy.
Seeing if they stick around after you say all the insane shit.
On the first date: "How do you feel about night terrors?
Because if this goes well, I will wake you up in three months...
screaming at the wall."
She's like, "I'm in." You're like, "Let's see where this goes."
I'm not good at relationships.
Last year, I went through two break-ups with the same girl.
Yeah. That's a real fun one.
You ever broken up with someone and just trashed them to all your friends?
Then you show up with them, like, "Hey!
[audience laughs]
Let's keep what I said between us, huh?
I got pretty fucking honest back there."
She dumped me the first time.
I got her the second time.
Yeah. I'm a bigger fan of the sequel.
There are these things in...
I live in New York where there are "Nor'easters"
that we get on the East Coast,
where it's a mix of a blizzard and a hurricane.
It's some apocalypse shit.
And it's just like a driving blizzard.
One hit New York last January, and it shut the city down for three days.
She dumped me right before that blizzard.
[audience] Aww!
It's a coincidence.
Or, it's the most diabolical way to break up with someone.
She studied a weather pattern.
It was like, "There's a cold gust colliding with a warm front.
Perfect.
I'll snap this motherfucker's heart before he's locked inside for three days."
She broke up with me. I was just trapped in doors with my emotions.
I did what any man would do. I smoked a fistful of mediocre weed.
Then I watched all of Making a Murderer, which...
[audience applauds]
No, no...
That might be the worst decision I've ever made.
I have never been heartbroken, stoned, alone, crying,
talking to myself like a wrongly-convicted Wisconsin teenager.
That's a new form of heartbreak.
Just walking around the house like, "Did she love you or not?"
"I don't know.
I don't know."
I had to dig my way out of heartbreak.
I learned a valuable lesson.
I learned no one can tell you're crying when you're shoveling snow.
It's legitimately the perfect outdoor activity for crying.
When you're standing there, like...
[cries]
...the trick is to emote on the down scoop like, "She's gone!"
All my neighbors are like, "This guy really wants that sidewalk clear."
I got back together with her, because I'm weak.
I talked a lot of shit after the first breakup.
"I'm never gonna talk to her again."
She said, "You wanna hang out?" "Yes."
[audience laughs]
We dated for two more months.
And then I broke up with her because she is a terrible person and...
Most of you are friends with her. Awesome.
This audience reacts like we're at a fucking birthday party.
"How could you? Right before cake, how could you?"
No one knows they're with a terrible person.
You don't know you're with a stack of shit until you get out.
It's like living in a house that's haunted.
At first, you're like, "It's beautiful. It's available?"
It's right in our range."
You move in and after a week, the walls start bleeding. "That's kind of weird."
[audience laughs]
Then the furniture gets tossed around.
You're like, "I don't know if I feel safe here."
Then you finally get out,
and you're like, "Oh! That was a portal to hell.
OK. Alright."
[audience applauds]
The entire time we dated, I was like, "I love how sarcastic she is.
She's so sarcastic."
After a month of us being broken up, I was like, "I think she meant all of that.
She's a mean person."
I don't think she's mean. She was a wealthy person.
I've never dated a wealthy person before.
I learned they're very cold on the inside.
They hate emotion, because that's what poor people love with.
[audience laughs]
I'm finding out everyone's tax brackets tonight, huh?
Some of you are doing pretty fucking well for yourselves.
A lot of you clammed up, like, "What do you mean that's what they use?
What an inefficient fuel source."
I cried in front of her once. I felt like a dog shitting on her carpet.
She was like, "Go outside. Don't do that inside.
Which poor person is crying on my carpet?
Rub his nose in it. I don't want him to do it again."
She hated that I grew up without money. But she'd never say it. That's the trick.
She just hated shit that I liked that reminded her I grew up without money.
I told her that I like ranch salad dressing.
Because it's delicious.
It turns out I might as well have told her that I eat human shit.
She's like, "You like ranch?"
And I'm like, "No, no, no. I love it.
It's from Hidden Valley. It's the best."
What, you think I like that Wish-Bone bullshit?
It's gas station ranch. Get the fuck out of here!
[audience member applauds]
I want it from the Valley, and I want it kept a secret.
I'm a ranch hardliner.
I like professional wrestling. She fucking hated that.
She hated it.
Three lonely men are like, "Yeah.
Yeah, Mania will be awesome!"
Ladies, listen, I get it that it's silly,
that I'm a grown man who likes professional wrestling.
I know it's silly, but don't treat me like I'm dumb.
She was like, "You know it's fake?"
"Yeah."
[as woman] "You know they're on steroids?"
"Yeah."
I'm sorry, do steroids ruin the integrity of a fake fight for you?
[audience laughs]
I hate to fuck you up right now, but The Undertaker's never been dead.
Not once.
He's been alive the entire time.
It's like an opposite Sixth Sense.
The truth is, I'm just bitter.
I liked her. I liked her a lot.
And we broke up
before I could get to the best part of dating a wealthy girl:
that part where her dad offers me a check to stay away from her.
[audience cheers]
I thought that's what they do to poor boyfriends in movies.
Like, "How much money is it gonna take for you to go away?"
[audience laughs]
One Verizon bill.
You pay for May, I'll fuck off.
Right now.
I went way over my data.
One thing I respect, that I learned about wealthy people,
is they are upfront and honest about their greed.
They're like, "I love money."
You're like, "Alright.
Good for you, I guess."
Sometimes we lie to ourselves with how important money is in this country.
There's always that thing. We're like, "In America, number one is family."
Is it?
We lie to ourselves.
I think the number one in America is money.
The very distant second: family.
That's not my personal outlook.
I'm saying, if you watch the news, that's the feeling you get.
You always see news stories where someone dies in a fucked up way.
And their family sues a major company
and gets a shit-ton of money.
Then one asshole in the family goes in front of the news, sad,
like, "This $75 million...
will never...
replace...
my Uncle David.
[audience laughs]
Bullshit.
It's bullshit.
Bullshit.
I've never met that guy, but that's a lot of fucking money.
I love my mom more than anybody. She raised me completely by herself.
For $55 million, you could take her out.
I'll build her a statue, and I'll visit it every day...
wearing my new mink coat.
Like, "I miss you, Momsie.
I'm gonna go fly somewhere warm now."
Outside of my grandma and mom,
I'm not sure anyone in my family is worth more than $2 million.
Are we being completely honest? $1,000. You can take the entire...
I'm at garage sale prices with most of those people.
My cousin in Oakland has a five-year-old daughter
who's the meanest person I've ever met in my life.
You could take that tiny, vicious bitch for 20 bucks.
[audience applauds]
Not my seed, not my problem.
She's a bad person.
No one stops it.
No one pulls her aside and says, "Stop being mean."
They pad these excuses on top to allow her to be that way.
They walk around like, "Isn't she sassy?
She's so sassy."
Nah, she's a piece of shit.
I'm sorry, but...
I've looked in her eyes. She's a broken person. I don't know what it is.
My grandma calls her a diva. That's the one I've never fucking understood.
This little girl will be a monster to my grandma's face,
and she'll walk out the room like, "What a diva!"
She doesn't have five platinum albums.
She's never sold out the Apollo. She's a fucking mean, tiny person.
She's a prequel to an asshole. That's all she is.
[audience laughs]
Last year at Thanksgiving,
she walks up to me in the middle of the meal and goes,
"Why are you still talking?"
That's it. That's it.
I'm 33, she's 5. She shut me down. I had nothing.
I had nothing. I just went out back and shadowboxed for seven minutes.
[audience laughs]
I was in the backyard thinking of comebacks like it was fucking 8 Mile.
[audience applauds]
Well, I know who your real dad is! I can't...
[audience groans]
You guys were a lot of fun. Thank you.
[audience applauds]
Thanks for coming out.
Have a good night. Bye, everybody!
[announcer] Give it up for Dan Soder!
["Telegram Sam" by T-Rex playing]